Grief Out Loud

Latest Episodes:

The Realities of Black Grief – Doneila McIntosh, M.Div., M.A. Jan 05, 2024

Show notes

The reality for Black individuals and families living in the U.S. is that death happens more often and earlier on than for their white counterparts. In the last two decades, these higher rates of mortality resulted in 1.63 million excess deaths for Black Americans compared to white Americans. Doneila McIntosh brings her personal and professional experiences with this reality to her work as a researcher studying the intersections of disenfranchised grief among African American families. Disenfranchised grief occurs when a loss isn't recognized or seen as valid, often the result of stigma. The disenfranchisement of Black grief is rooted in racism, which influences both the disproportionate rates of mortality and the lack of support for grief and grief expression.

Doneila McIntosh is a doctoral student at the University of Minnesota in Family Social Science with an emphasis in Marriage and Family Therapy. Doneila has a Master of Divinity (M.Div.) in Theological Studies and a Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology (M.A.). Prior to becoming a psychotherapist, she worked as a chaplain for nearly 10 years.

We discuss:

Doneila's current research on understanding the impact of disproportionate rates of death and grief in the African American community.
Her personal and professional motivation to do this work.
The desecration of sacred Black grief spaces.
How structural racism leads to Doneila and other researchers having to "prove" the reality of disproportionate rates of death for Black people living in the U.S.
The disenfranchisement of African American grief.
How the language we use to talk about grief is rooted in culture and how that can be a strength.
The gap in the research literature about Black and African American grief.
Culturally specific interventions to support grief.
How culture shapes grief expression.
Doneila's work to become literate in the historical & current context of Black grief and the cultural strengths she uncovered along the way.
How her family honors her grandfather's legacy.

Follow Doneila on IG @doneila_mcintosh

You Have A Life Worth Rebuilding - Melissa Pierce & The Widow Squad Dec 20, 2023

Show notes

What started out as an average winter morning ended up being one that would change everything in Melissa Pierce's life. She went to wake up her husband Dave for their son's basketball game and found him unresponsive. Dave had died during the night and the cause of death was never determined. Melissa jumped into figuring out logistics - planning a memorial, getting her sons to school, moving their family, working a full-time job - but eventually she had to figure out herself. It meant focusing on what she was thinking, feeling, and needing in her grief. That shift to prioritizing self-care ended up changing everything, again.

We discuss

How Melissa and Dave met and fell in love

The process of adopting their two sons

How the shock of Dave's sudden death led to what Melissa calls "Zombie mode"

Being the person who found Dave when he died and how that impacted her grief

Grieving when the cause of death is undetermined

The financial, logistical, and emotional reality of being a solo parent

Having to tell her sons that their dad died

When Melissa started to feel her feelings in grief

The physical toll of grief

Where Melissa turned for support

How prioritizing self-care changed everything

The origin story of the Widow Squad community

Melissa is the author of Filled With Gold: A Widow's Story, co-founder of The Widow Squad community, and co-host of The Widow Squad podcast.

Listen to The Widow Squad podcast Episode 41- Holidays and Grief: Strategies to Get Through the Holidays After Your Spouse Dies.

"So Sorry For Your Loss" - Dina Gachman Dec 20, 2023

Show notes

Dina Gachman's mother died of cancer in 2018 and less than three years later her sister died of alcoholism. A career journalist, Dina turned to writing as one way to make sense of these world altering losses. She recently published, "So Sorry for Your Loss," a series of essays that combine personal reflections with information she gathered from professionals working in the world of grief.

In this conversation we discuss:

How recalling memories of her mom and sister has become less painful
Parenting a young child while grieving
How she realized she needed additional support
Finding comfort in the Continuing Bonds theory
When grief feels like agitation
Approaching the five-year anniversary of her mother's death
How her mom continued to care for her even as she was dying
The expectation vs. reality of hospice care
Using humor as a way to cope - and carry on her mom's legacy
Grieving two losses in such close succession
Recognizing that grief started when her mom was diagnosed, years before her death
The gift of growing up in an emotionally expressive family
GIEAs - Grief Induced Emotional Avalanches

Dina Gachman is an award-winning journalist, Pulitzer Center Grantee, and a frequent contributor to the New York Times, Vox, Texas Monthly and more. She's a New York Times bestselling ghostwriter, and the author of Brokenomics: 50 Ways to Live the Dream on a Dime.

How To Talk About What Happened - Adam Sawyer Dec 13, 2023

Show notes

In January of 2022, Adam Sawyer had everything he dreamed of and more. His partner Kara was the love of his life. Their cat Lela was his all-time favorite animal. Their off the grid house, Whiskey Jane, was the best place he had ever lived.

By the end of February, 2022, Adam lost all three of them. Kara and Lela died when Whiskey Jane was destroyed in a fire.

We discuss

Getting "the call" about the fire
Being fully immersed in grief with no responsibilities
Nature's role in Adam's healing process
Examining the ways he tells people about his losses
The parallels between grief and his recovery from heroin addiction
Adam's first glimmers of hope
Finding a new home, a new purpose, and a new romantic connection
What it's been like to go public with his story through writing and presentations
How Adam stays connected to his grief

Find Adam on Substack and Facebook

It's Okay That It's Not The Same - Grief At The Holidays Dec 01, 2023

Show notes

It's our fifth annual holidays & grief episode! This time of year can be grueling for anyone, but particularly for those who are grieving. So, each year we put out an episode to help you feel less alone and hopefully more equipped to traverse the next few weeks. Today's guest, Melissa Peede Thompson, M.S., is a Grief Services Coordinator at Dougy Center. While she has lots of professional knowledge in this realm, we asked her to talk about her personal experience of grieving during the holidays. Melissa was six when her sister died of gun violence. She was 13 when her father died in a motorcycle accident. And she was a young adult when her grandparents died. Each loss shaped - and continues to shape - how Melissa and her family approach this time of year. We discuss:

How her sister's death impacted her parents at the holidays
What she remembers about the first Christmas after her dad died
Grieving for her her grandparents before they died
How the holidays can feel empty, even when the house is full
Melissa's realization that grief has left her a little bit "Grinchy"
What she's doing to shift how she thinks and feels about the holidays
Learning to appreciate being able to spend time with the people who are still alive
Why St. Patrick's Day became her favorite holiday
Taking the pressure off trying to make the holidays feel the same after someone dies

If you missed our past Holidays & Grief episodes, be sure to listen to Ep. 27, 98, 174, 240.

Tips For Getting Through the Holidays & Holiday Plan Worksheet.

Tending To Trauma In Grief - Meghan Riordan Jarvis Nov 22, 2023

Show notes

When Meghan Riordan Jarvis's mother died suddenly, just two years after her father died of cancer, she watched herself grieving from two perspectives. One as a daughter and the other as a trauma-informed therapist. As a daughter she was devastated and deeply impacted on all levels. As a therapist, she recognized in her grief signs of PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder. The therapist part of her also realized she wasn't getting better on her own and needed the next level of care. Meghan's new book, End of the Hour, A Therapist's Memoir, chronicles the unresolved trauma of her early life, how it resurfaced after her parents died, and how she tended to both her grief and trauma.

We discuss:

Meghan's relationship to memories of her parents
How she grieved differently for her father and mother - and why
Her childhood experience of grief and how that led to her developing PTSD
The signs that let her know she needed the next level of care
How she came to write her new memoir
The various trauma interventions she tried - and which ones helped

Grief is My Side Hustle website Grief is My Side Hustle podcast @meghan.riordan.jarvis on IG @griefismysidehustle on Fbook

I've Missed Him At Every Milestone - Bridget Nov 16, 2023

Show notes

Bridget was in high school when her dad died of a heart attack in 2020. Their relationship was complicated. She loved the way her more creative side came out when they spent time together, but she also struggled with how he kept a lot of his history from her. In grieving for him, Bridget's had to reckon with two things being true at the same time. The first is that in some ways Bridget's life became easier and more stable after he died. The second is the reality that she still loves him, misses him, and wishes he could be there for all the milestones unfolding in her life.

This series is a part of an ongoing collaboration between Dougy Center and the New York Life Foundation. We are deeply grateful for New York Life Foundation's tireless support and advocacy on behalf of children and teens who are grieving.

Download a copy of the New York Life Foundation's newest resource for teens who are grieving - Lost in the Middle.

It Was Such A Shock - John Nov 10, 2023

Show notes

When John's father died of suicide in 2021 it came as a complete shock. John couldn't square the dad he knew as cool and levelheaded with the reality that he took his life. He tried to figure it out - what was going on for his dad that led him to this? Over time, John began to better understand some of the factors that contributed to his dad's death. Throughout it all, he turned to his family, friends, and himself for support in navigating this new world without his dad.

Download a copy of the New York Life Foundation's newest resource for teens who are grieving - Lost in the Middle.

If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please reach out. You can call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or text HELLO to 741741.

I Think He'd Be Proud Of Me - Sonja Nov 03, 2023

Show notes

Sonja was 15 when we recorded in the summer of 2023, but was just 10 when her father, Matt, died in September 2018 from injuries due to a car accident. Sonja, her mom, and two younger siblings lived in NYC at the time of his death. They eventually moved across the country to Portland, Oregon where they attended peer grief support groups at Dougy Center. Sonja shares what she remembers about hearing that her dad was in an accident, how their community showed up while he was in the hospital, and how they kept showing up after he died. We also talk about her dad and what it's like to be the oldest sibling who had the most time and memories with him.

Download a copy of the New York Life Foundation's newest resource for teens who are grieving - Lost in the Middle.

When Your Spouse Dies Of Suicide - Alexandra Wyman Oct 21, 2023

Show notes

Alexandra Wyman and her husband Shawn had a bit of a whirlwind life. They got married in 2018, had their son in 2019, and then in 2020 Shawn died of suicide. His death created a different type of whirlwind. The kind where Alexandra had to rebuild her life as a solo parent dealing with the intense swirl of guilt, sadness, anger, and confusion. As the shock wore off, Alexandra started to write down what she was going through and learning along the way. This led to her new book, The Suicide Club - What To Do When Someone You Love Chooses Death, and her podcast, The Widow's Club.

We discuss:

Who Alexandra is in addition to her grief
How Shawn lived as a husband and father
The day Alexandra got the news of his death
The early days of grief
The importance of daily rituals and routines
Working on the intense guilt and self-doubt she felt in grief
Figuring out how to set boundaries
Having her marriage be under the microscope
Learning to be a solo parent
How she talks to her son about Shawn's death
Finding the support of other widows who are grieving a death by suicide
Grief tantrums - as an adult

Alexandra's website - Forward to Joy

If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out for support. You can call the National LifeLine at 988 or text HELLO to 741741.

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