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My wife & I have struggled w/our sex lives for the vast majority of our 25 year marriage.
She had abandonment issues which led her to become what's known as an Intimacy Anorexic. That's someone who has an addiction to avoid intimacy…& not just sexual intimacy, but even in social relationships & family relationships.
I had self-image, self-worth, low-EQ issues which led me to refrain from ever speaking up to ever share my thoughts on my desires or love languages.
Some of that was exacerbated by kathy's abandonment b/c she is also a Choleric Melancholy & has always been very confident in herself & has always known what she wants & doesn't want…for the most part.
So in the first couple years of our marriage, when I would express that my love languages were running low, she would roll her eyes, huff & puff a couple times & mockingly touch my arm or pat me on the head & say "is that enough?" "can I be done?".
Well, after 2 years of that, I was done. And compound that w/all my own emotional dysfunction & insecurities, I stopped ever addressing how my love tanks were doing.
for those unfamiliar w/Love Languages (Gary Chapman):
Gifts
Touch
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
That "little" dynamic between the 2 of us: her deep abandonment issues (that she was completely unaware of at the time) & my emotional neediness, people-pleasing addiction, self-sabotage (I deserve the way she's treating me. I don't deserve to have my love languages spoken.) led to some massive train wrecks throughout the years.
But thankfully after 20 years of some deep relationship dysfunction, we started going to counseling & that began both of our emotional growth journey.
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Today, I got some really disturbing news from a dear friend of mine. He lost his 26 y/o daughter (& mother of a 2 y/o) to a drug overdose. I was wrecked.
Yesterday, prior to the troubling news, we had received some of the most exciting, overwhelming news we've ever received.
Needless to say, I woke up this morning w/LOTS of emotions.
I did a couple of my EQ exercises after my bible study.
Once I knew Kathy was awake, I went upstairs & told her I wanted to have our "NBC" (Naked Boardroom Chat) where we both get buck naked & just talk.
It's incredibly intimate, which I love, and it's still a bit uncomfortable for her, but I appreciate her obliging. I shared a bunch of my thoughts & emotions from a very rollercoaster 24 hours and we had an amazing conversation.
I then asked if she was open to continuing our NBC to the shower. That's the other spot we have our greatest, deepest chats b/c there's no distractions.
She agreed.
We had another amazing therapeutic conversation.
This time it led to sex, but it doesn't always lead to sex. It doesn't have to lead to sex. Personally I appreciate tremendously the intimacy.
I was so ridiculously proud of myself having the courage to address the desires of my heart to have intimate conversation, i.e.: "NBC", & I'm so thankful that my wife was flexible & obliged.
It was so timely.
Who would've ever thought that after 25 years of marriage, our sex life could improve? I sure didn't think it was possible based on where we both came from emotionally. That's the power of emotional growth & emotional healing.
Unaddressed emotional issues don't get better over time; they actually compound.
Emotionally healthy people help heal other people emotionally.
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Books Mentioned:
Personality Plus, by Florence Littauer
StrengthsFinder2.0, by Tom Rath
Becoming A King, by Morgan Snyder
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