Disrupting Divorce: Conversations for Women

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EP65: Understanding the Knowledge Gap with Paul Adams Sep 20, 2019

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In this episode, we discuss: The importance of a Wealth Coordination Account Understanding long-term planning for your long-term future Resources and tips related to understanding your knowledge gap TRANSCRIPT: Rhonda: All right. Well, thank you so much for joining us for another episode. And I am so excited to be able to introduce to you my friend, Paul Adams. And he and I met via LinkedIn. All good things start there. And there was something about your profile that just captured my attention and I actually didn't even really know what you did when I said, "Hey, let's connect." And so, you are the Founder and CEO of an organization called Sound Financial Group. And you're also a fellow podcaster and entrepreneur. Paul: Indeed. Rhonda: And so, I just want to thank you for taking time to join us today. Paul: I got to tell you, I'm so happy to be here. Just our phone conversations we've had leading up to this, and you mentioned about creating a friendship. And I even was talking to my wife this morning and saying, "Yeah, I'm going to be on a friend's podcast this morning." And it was just like, "Oh, yeah, that's kind of nice." Versus somebody has a show somewhere that asked me to be on it. It just felt wonderful and warm and just getting a chance to reconnect this morning. Rhonda: Yeah, absolutely. Well, and I have certainly been in the financial industry and you are with an organization that happens to be in their headquarters in Milwaukee. Paul: Yeah, at the very beginning of my career. Rhonda: Right. Right, at the very beginning of your career. So, I just want to take some time and share, what are some of the trends that you're seeing? Obviously, our focus is women. Paul: And I think that if, for any of us, it's where is my knowledge gap? And when I say knowledge, I mean the capacity to act, not just understand it. If we were thinking of it like parachuting, understanding would be like, "I know the plane goes up to 13,000 feet, somebody jumps, they count to 10, they pull this thing here, and then they steer themselves with two cables they hold in their right and left hand, and it pulled them both down near the ground and they land." That's understanding. Paul: Knowledge is hurling yourself into the abyss and landing and not dying. That is the difference. And I think people tend to collapse the understanding and knowledge. And especially when we're divorced, prior to that, it may have been, at least we see this often, I don't know about you, but we'll see oftentimes that the wife will handle a ton of the bills, and then the husband tends to handle a lot of the long-term strategy and investments. And they both have an understanding of the other one. Paul: Now, it's a lot easier for the divorced husband to get a handle on the bills because it's a fast iteration cycle. They got to deal with the bills every 30 days. So, I don't know, after doing it for four or five months, you're back on plane and you know what you're doing. But when there is this... And it really is one of the longest feedback loops we deal with in our entire life. It's a 40-year feedback loop from 22 to 65. You have one time that you get feedback, and filling a glass of water, we're all used to it. We've all gotten our hands wet as kids when we overfill the glass, that we're listening and feeling the weight of the glass, and we turn off the spigot at the right time. Paul: If you perform really badly at work, somebody's going to let you know in a few weeks. You eat too much, over 7 to 10 days, you'll actually start gaining weight, and the feedback is in the scale. Bad behavior in all those areas equals bad short-term outcome. Paul: Here's the problem. With money, the feedback loop is like a negative feedback loop in that you can make bad decisions with money. And know how they feel in the short run? Awesome. It feels so good. You can get the brightness on your kids' eyes because you got them a cool new toy. Or all the Instagram likes because of the killer vacation you went on. All those things feel wonderful. The new car smell. Nice, so wonderful. And those are all things that, in the long run, the one-time feedback loop is you spend the rest of your life in some version of poverty below what you would have chosen. Paul: And so, one of the things we have to do is get those shorter iterations occurring through these coaching conversations around money so that everyone, and I think divorced women are particularly susceptible to having somebody that looks trustworthy, somebody who's super friendly, who's a friend of a friend, who may just be selling product. And one of the things we encourage people to think about is, is the advisor's revenue model only you acquiring product from them? Paul: And if that is their primary revenue model and they're not charging you a fee upfront so that they can support their business and themselves without needing to sell you a product, then that should give you at least a moment of pause, to stop and reflect and say, "Is there a chance that products could be recommended to me because of the advisor's revenue model, not because of what's right for me?" And not that the advisors are unethical or making bad decisions, any of that. It's just that, clearly, they can't work with 100 clients and not have any of them acquire product. Paul: But we and some other advisors out there, will do something similar to that, where we charge a fee upfront. It retains us for that first year, which is that timeline of a divorce. It never occurred to me how those line up that way. And then we coach them throughout the year, and we may meet them as many as 15 times over the first year, but that primary coaching to get spooled up and get all the things corrected in their financial life, et cetera, not counting ushering them through the divorce is about 6 to 10 meetings over about 10 to 14 weeks. Rhonda: Yeah. And I think that's spot on. Prudential did a longitudinal study. And what they found was that it was the knowledge plus experience that really helps the women build the confidence. Because if you have the knowledge without the experience, that's theory. If you have the experience without the knowledge, then you're just going through things hoping that you're not making too many mistakes. Paul: I was going that was a terrible idea, I shouldn't do that again. Rhonda: But it's those two things when they can work in tandem that really helps women build the confidence. And when I think that is one thing that, as we look at some of these studies, women have a great opportunity to step into power as it relates to their financial lives. It's just that they may not have had the experience because, statistically speaking, and you alluded to this, women are doing the day to day stuff, but they aren't necessarily as involved in the big picture things. And so, when they're thrust into that environment, it's uncomfortable and overwhelming and intimidating and all of those kinds of things all at once. Right? Paul: And I think there's probably a lot of domains that are that way. The trouble about the long-term planning for your long-term future is that's the one thing out of all the things that are coming at women going through divorce, it's the one thing that they really can, in the short run, put their head in the sand and avoid all the negative consequences. They are coming, but they're not here yet. And so, they can deal with all the things that are urgent and forget the things that are necessary. Rhonda: Yeah. Well, and I think too, it's history. Like you said, the feedback loop is so long, and even from the time that they got married until potentially the time that they're getting divorced, there's all of those habits and behaviors that they're now dealing with. Plus, let's face it, everything's always goes back to our childhood. There's always some connection between, "Hey, this is my attitude and belief about money as a kid. Here was how it was modeled. I brought that into the marriage. Now somebody always has to take the lead, and now I'm thrust into having to take the lead myself." You know? Paul: Yes. Yeah. And, you're right, it's so tough for them to make that gear shift. And we recommend people do something that's super subtle, easy, anybody can start it. Anyone of your listeners can do this right after the call. And we talk about the importance of somebody really understanding their own freedom and agency and choice. And we need to take that back immediately in people's lives around their money. Rhonda: Yep. Paul: Financial institutions ideally would like you to take your regular household checking and start choosing a financial product that you can automatically deposit via bank draft to. And we teach our clients to set up a separate checking account whose only purpose is to purchase assets. That's it. It shouldn't be buying anything else. It only buys assets. And we define an asset. An asset is anything that puts money in your pocket now or has the ability to put money in your pocket later. Paul: And it doesn't matter if it's just $25 a month. To shorten that feedback loop, we're simply saying we're going to put in $25 here and that is for my long-term wealth building. And then I'm going to put in $25 next month here. Now, for some people in some amounts of wealth, it might be 1000, it might be 2000, we have clients it's $30,000 a month they're doing. The key, and for the women that we've helped journey through getting their financial knowledge up to where they are financially during the divorce, is simply having a wealth coordination account means that when those payments start coming in, they realize, "Well, my bills are only 10,000 but I just got a $20,000 support payment during the trial period." Great. Let's just put that 10,000 aside. Paul: If the divorce attorneys are not saying that you need to keep your monthly spending up for a period of time while we finish the divorce. And then when they're complete and the divorce element goes in, where do most people put that first check? It's like there is a million dollars of liquidation. I guess I just go put it in my checking account if they haven't been working with a coach. Rhonda: Right. Paul: And whenever money goes in the household checking account, whether it's for a couple or a single individual, some of it is bound to get lost in the sauce of life. And by just putting it in the wealth coordination account, now you're sitting there and you're like, "Well heck, I don't know what assets I'm going to buy." But if you're resolved it's going to buy assets. At least it's not buying liabilities. Little steps here. We're not talking about big complicated things. Let's just make sure we don't buy stuff that costs us more in the future. Rhonda: And I love that. And you have a podcast episode that you focus specifically on that concept. As I was listening to some of your podcasts, that was one that really resonated with me because it's simple and it's not requiring women to make a big decision right now. Paul: Yes, that's right. Yes. The cognitive load of somebody saying, "Let's budget for this financial tool, and this is the financial tool you should use," being collapsed. The cognitive load is so high in making that decision versus simply being able to say, "Oh, all I need to do is set the money aside. I'll figure out what it purchases later." You make a good point. I was going to see if I could quickly find the name of that episode. So give me just a second, because I'm sure your audience right now is thinking to themselves, "Don't say that's a great episode of Paul's, not tell us." Rhonda: That's right. Yes. Paul: So, my podcast is Your Business Your Wealth. That's episode 131, Wealth Coordination Account. Rhonda: Perfect. And that reminded me too, this was a woman that I had met with a couple of years ago, and I was actually still in the financial industry at that point. And I remember, she had lost her husband. It was actually she was a widow, not a divorcee. But the concept is still similar. And I was so frustrated because there were two companies, two advisors from two separate companies, that were literally swarming her like vultures. And there was the one guy who called her probably every single day, literally called her every day. And I was like, "Okay, timeout. I'm going to encourage you to do nothing." And anybody who knows our personalities, would we ever tell somebody to do nothing? Paul: Nope. Rhonda: But in this case it made sense, just hang tight. Okay? You do not have to make a decision today, and you don't even have to make a decision tomorrow. Give yourself some space and permission, space and permission to just be. Paul: We are raised as kids with that, don't just stand there, do something. But sometimes we need to be, don't just do something, stand there. And that one's a lot harder. It's always easy to make a move. It's real tough to just sit with it and go, "Okay, I'm going to think about it for a while. I'm going to plan." And I think that example of those two advisors, I'm going to go out on a crazy limb here and say probably neither of those advisers had gotten an upfront annual engagement, some kind of retainer, to then be able to coach her throughout the year. They were calling, they had pitched a product, and they were calling to say, "Are you ready to execute on the product yet? Are you ready to execute on the product yet? How are things going? Do you want to meet for lunch? Because at some point during lunch I'll just bring up the product again." Paul: That is how that normally goes. And I know because that's how I was trained originally. That's exactly the process I went through as an advisor. And it took a lot to escape the gravitational pull of all those practices to have a different way to be able to serve and engage clients. Rhonda: Yeah, absolutely. And so that's why I think, yeah, that wealth coordination account, it's simple, it's easy. Again, they can go to whatever bank or credit union they're currently using and say, "Hey, I just need to set up." And finding, to that point, finding a bank that gives you the opportunity to go into one dashboard, see what you have going on, and set up those really simple automatic contributions to their wealth accumulation account. Paul: And the one thing that we do say a little different, if people want to put some amount that's regular and automatic going into the wealth coordination account, we're a fan of that. We also say, by the way, this is going to sound a little bit heretical to people who are more steeped in finance. We say it ought to be a checking account, we don't care what the interest is, because when you buy an asset you've got to write a check, so you better have a checking account you're writing it from, otherwise it has a chance to flow through another account that could be a consumption account. Once it's in there, you want it to be sacrosanct, it's an asset purchasing tool. And then, ultimately, we'll have enough assets to have enough passive income to not reach retirement. Paul: We don't talk with our clients about retirement, in fact our first conversation with clients that we currently call our philosophy conversation. We…

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EP64: Preparing for Dating After Divorce with Lori Mendelsohn Aug 16, 2019

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In this episode, we discuss: How to position yourself to prepare for dating after divorce How to set yourself up for success when you enter the dating arena Tips on first dates TRANSCRIPT: Rhonda: Thank you so much for joining us for another episode. I am delighted to be able to have a very special guest on with us today. It's interesting because we are going to be talking about dating. You might be thinking, "Okay, Rhonda, I'm super overwhelmed and just really having a challenging time." This is probably one of the last things that you feel like you want to talk about. But as I was thinking about who to bring on, I really think that this is an important conversation. The reason for that is because when I started my business, gosh, five years ago, the why on why I was doing my business is actually different or a little different than the reason that I'm doing it today. The reason that I started my business was because, hey, I just really felt emotionally compelled to wanting to help people that were in a challenging spot. There were a lot of things that had, had happened in my childhood that I can relate to. The feeling of abandonment, the feeling of frustration, the feeling of overwhelm. Rhonda: A lot of that came from my dad being an alcoholic and just seeing the dynamic that my parents had. Well, recently, I celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary and it's really prompted me to be thinking about my why. I believe that my why has shifted in a sense that I want women to really experience what I have. My husband, there isn't a day that he doesn't get up and say something complimentary like, "Hey, good morning beautiful, good morning whatever, right?" He's just a very kind, respectful, thoughtful person. It's prompted me after two decades to really reflect on where we're at, and I was not in that spot 20 years ago. I was a mess and the consistency that he has brought to my life has allowed me to be able to do what I'm doing. Really, Lori, the passion for this conversation comes from me wanting for other women what I have. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't have any brothers, so this is where you come in. Lori: It's wonderful out there. Rhonda: Thank you. Lori: Yes, I'm the brother that you don't ever have. Rhonda: That's right, you know. I want to introduce our listeners to Lori Mendelsohn and she is the owner and founder of SmartFunnySingle, and she has over 33 years in the fashion industry and 12 years as an award-winning entrepreneur. Thank you so much for joining us today. Lori: Rhonda, it is so my pleasure and I also want to thank you, first of all, for having me on and giving me this opportunity to talk and share about experiences that I have gone through from divorce. Again, I want to thank you for your help in helping me get through that divorce and introducing me to someone who could help me in that path, my attorney. I don't know if you recall the day that we met, I stood up and I had just experienced domestic abuse for the first time and I knew that that was the pivotal point that my marriage was over, and I was scared. You walked up to me and you told me that you could help me, and I will never forget that moment because my head was just spinning and reeling, and I was so afraid and so discombobulated. I don't use that word that often and destabilized and you helped me at that moment. That was when I really needed help, I didn't know what to do. I was terrified, so thank you. Rhonda: You are most welcome. Yeah, I do remember that, and I have goosebumps just having you share that because I remember exactly where we were. Lori: Yeah. Well, I'd like to share what happened if I could. It'll just take a second. Rhonda: Yeah. Lori: I was invited by a mutual friend to a networking event, and every woman stood up and had a minute spiel about her business, and I stood up and I started to talk about my business. I said, "I experienced domestic abuse for the first time today. My husband just put his fist through the kitchen sink and hit it and I'm afraid that that's going to be my head and I don't know what to do, and I don't know if I can even go home." I started crying and it was a very powerful moment and you were there and, again, thank you. Rhonda: I'm glad that you mentioned that because you are somebody, and I know that we haven't known each other for a really long time but we've known each other long enough that you get a really good sense of people. Here you are, an accomplished business owner, a woman who I think people really view as having her shit together. I don't even swear on my podcast. Rhonda: You are a confident person, you'd have some really great successes in your business, right? Lori: Yep, very successful. Rhonda: Right and here you are feeling like, "Oh my gosh, everything's now unraveling or I'm feeling frustrated, I'm feeling afraid." The domestic violence piece of it doesn't see different barriers. Doesn't see economic barriers, doesn't... I mean, it surpasses all of those things. From a perspective, from an outside perspective in and not from what I see through this, but I think a lot of people will say, "Well she's going to have access to resources, she's resourceful, she's going to..." But in that moment, you're not thinking clearly. You maybe don't have all the resources that you need as you're going through divorce. Like you're focused on your business, and you know what, I think it's just an encouragement, I think, for women to say, "Hey, listen, it is okay when we find ourselves in that vulnerable spot, the question is what do we do with it?" Lori: Right. Rhonda: There's a quote by Kristin Armstrong, which is just one of my absolute favorites, which is "when you find yourself in a vulnerable spot, the best thing that you can do is surround yourself with the strongest, finest, most positive people that you can find." That has been something that I have built my business on over the last five years, I implicitly believe that that's true. Because you don't want to be taken advantage of, and it's just really important that you find that team of people that can come alongside and support you in whatever fashion that looks like, and whatever support that you feel like you need. Lori: Agreed. Rhonda: I think that that's just a really powerful testimony for the women that are listening that our feeling like overwhelmed or feel shame or feel sad or whatever, it's okay to feel those emotions. The question becomes, "Yeah, what are we going to do with it?" Lori: Right. It's funny, after this whole thing happened and I went to my hairdresser, he used a very different quote which was Winston Churchill's which is "when you're in the middle of battle, you keep going." I'm one of those people who has pretty much been self-supportive, self-propelled that, "Well, I can figure all this out on my own. I really don't need any help." I found when I released that, that there are people who wanted to help me, it made things so much easier. That there is a weight and just sitting here talking to you about this, Rhonda, I just relaxed when I said that. I'm getting goosebumps now because when you release it, you allow others who want to help, help you and it gives them a gift as well and that's very powerful. Rhonda: I remember you also mentioned to me something about you just felt like you were in the midst of trying to swim through murky waters. You kept trying... Do you remember telling me that? Lori: Yes, but it was I felt like I was swimming through mud, and I felt like I was swimming through mud literally for about a year. After he moved out, after the divorce, after rebuilding, after figuring out, "Okay, I can't keep swimming in this pool, I need to see daylight again. I need to get myself out of this." Rhonda: Yeah. We've said this on other podcasts too, it's like women have told me, and I'm sure that you would attest this too, it's like nobody would even wish this on their worst enemy. It is by far one of the most challenging things that people have to go through, and especially, for women. Not just women, but we have our own unique set of challenges that come with us. I think it's exciting to see that you are on the other side of it and now you have within the last, what has it been, last year or so? Lori: Yes. Rhonda: Been doing your own business? Lori: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Rhonda: Tell us a little bit about that journey and how you got to this place now and then we'll dive into some tips on dating? Lori: Sure. Speaking about going through divorce myself, so a little bit of background. This was my third marriage, and this was the marriage that I really wanted to last my lifetime. To me, divorce wasn't ever going to be an option, but it started unraveling to the point that we were just two people living in the same household. I had a sense that something was up with him but, of course, he denied it. We went for therapy and our journey together was, "Well, let's try to work it out." But I realized afterwards that I was the one who wanted to work it out because he had other things going on in the background. But I, at the time of our marriage, I had transitioned from a 33-year fashion career where I was designing for a lot of very large companies in New York and LA. The company that I was working for, New Berlin, Wisconsin, closed the division that I was heading up and designing. Lori: It was at the height of the recession in 2008 and I started a dog walking business. There were no jobs to be had, and I figured, "Okay, well if I'm going to be miserable, I may as well be around animals." I started walking dog and over the course of nine and a half years, built the business to be the largest and highest awarded in the State of Wisconsin. I had 30 employees at one time, and we had about 4500 active clients. Rhonda: Wow. Lori: It turned out to be quite a large business. During the course of that, I lost sight of things that were important in the marriage, spending time, but here I was building, building, building, and trying to build something for our future together. I realized I had a big part in the divorce, but I didn't think that it would end on a violent act, and I certainly that never even came into my realm. He moved out. I went through the darkest days of my life. There were days that if I didn't have dogs, I wouldn't have gotten out of bed. I wouldn't have moved. I would have taken my sheets and covered my entire body and probably had people come over and bring food or ordered food. But I had to go through it to get over it and people were saying, "Well, you should start dating." I'm like, "That's the last thing I want to do." I didn't even want to get near a man. I didn't want to be touched; I didn't want to be held. I just I wanted to die Rhonda, I really was that sad. Lori: I felt like God I really failed. I did so much self-blame. If only I hadn't had this business, we'd be happy now. I was in therapy the entire time and I realized, eventually, it was only 50% my fault. He needed to lean in too, he needed to work at it as much as I did. I don't want to position this man as a complete asshole, just a partial one. But it took me about a year and a couple of months to say, "You know what, okay, I'm ready to just start jumping in the water, putting my big toe in the water and seeing what it's like." I went online, I couldn't do it, I couldn't ever go out with someone. I'd make dates and I'd break them. I just couldn't get myself to do it. Then one day my best friend, I encouraged her to go online. She was about as afraid as I was. She saw someone online for me and she contacted him and said I'm not good for you, but I think that my best friend is going to be perfect for you. Lori: We went out and we had some magical dates together and it didn't work out. But it opened me up and it made me realize that, "Yeah, you know what, there's life again. There is fun to be had. There are interesting people out there." Even though I am scared, and I'll say the word again, shitless, I'm going to keep going. The more that I dated, the more that I realized it's not about... This is something that I always had trouble with, was self-worth. I realized I'm not going to position this anymore like, "Oh, God, I'm so lucky to be going out with this man." I now pivoted it to, "Okay, what does this man offer me that I want and need in my next relationship?" I completely did 180 on going from, "oh, well, he liked me." And singing that song, It must be him, oh my god..." You know, the Vikki Carr song to does this person really add value to my life? Lori: Because now I've gone through hell and back and now, I'm confident in who I am, what I can offer, what I bring, what value I have, does that person fit into what I need and want? That's what I'm hoping, every woman who is listening to this or maybe going through this can get to that point. Because until you get to that point, you're always putting yourself in a very vulnerable position. Dating is vulnerable enough, it's emotional. It's you have to get yourself prepared emotionally, physically. It's like going on a job interview a lot of the time, but the more you do it, it's really truly a numbers game. The more you do it, the easier it becomes and the more focused you become on what it is that you want and need. Rhonda: Yeah, absolutely. I love that, I love that perspective. Lori: Thank you. Rhonda: Yeah, I think it's healthy, I think it's good, and so okay. I just want to- Lori: Rhonda, I want to share, let me just interrupt you one sec. Recently, I've been speaking to a couple, they're a couple and they're also couples' therapists and I asked her... She recently went through a divorce and now she's remarried to her business partner, "How many dates did you go on?" She said, "I went on 157 dates." My response was, "I'd rather swallow bugs but how did you do it?" She said, "Around date 75, I pivoted, and I pivoted to the point where I looked at this person in a very different way, and getting back to what value does this person bring to me?" That's what I would love everyone to get to. Rhonda: Oh my gosh, absolutely, absolutely. Gosh, that's so good. What I was going to ask you was, okay, so it's different, right? Like dating when you're a middle-aged woman than when we were in our 20s. Lori: Exactly, yeah. Rhonda: Right? Lori: It's a little bit different, yeah. Rhonda: Okay. Let's just have a little bit of fun here. I would love for you to share what has been like the most interesting, crazy situation that you've experienced so far? Because I know that you have some. Lori: Okay, I do, I do. All of my single girlfriends we could all compile a book and I'm sure that there are millions of women out there who say, "Oh my god, I need to write a book about this dating experience." But two of them come to mind. One of them was about a month ago, and I'm on the dating app called Bumble and I met someone who is a professor at Northwestern University, so he's smart and has a good job. He's also an inventor and he invented a tool, and I won't go into the name to protect the innocent. But he invented a tool wh…

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EP63: Avoiding Economic Devastation Through Divorce Mediation with Alex Jacobson Aug 02, 2019

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In this episode, we discuss: Family law matters can be resolved amicably through mediation The process of divorce does not need to be economically devastating Mediation provides an opportunity to minimize your children's exposure to the divorce process TRANSCRIPT: Rhonda: Thank you so much for joining us for another episode. I am so excited to be able to introduce you today to Alex Jacobson. She is the founder of Jacobson Mediation Group out of the Greater Chicago area and she's a former divorce lawyer turned divorce mediator. What a mouthful that is. Thank you so much for joining us today. Alex: Thank you. Thank you for having me. Rhonda: Well, let's talk a little bit about what prompted you to move in the direction of building your practice around mediation. Give us a little backstory on what led you to where you're at today. Alex: Certainly, so I was a divorce lawyer for the past 12 years. I practiced at one of the premier divorce firms in Chicago doing all matters related to divorce and matrimonial issues, so that included child custody, property division, child support, spousal support, premarital agreement, postnuptial agreements, all the above. And as my practice grew, it became increasingly apparent that even in the highest complex situation, matters can be resolved outside of the courtroom. And I just found that after practicing at that level, that once you are in the courtroom, you really can't unring that bell. Once people start slinging the mud, it's difficult to go back to co-parenting or to reach an agreement that is reasonable for both parties. And once the judgment is imposed upon you by a judge, it may or may not meet the needs of your family. It may or may not be narrowly tailored to the needs of your family. And so, I just simply found that alternative dispute resolution was just a better way to resolve these types of cases. Rhonda: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So, talk to us a little bit about, I mean obviously, there's a lot of different ways that mediation can be used throughout the divorce process. Are you, tell us a little bit about what you're seeing as far as trends? Are people moving in the direction of mediation only? Meaning you've got that neutral third party who is facilitating the conversation between the parties? Or are you, and or are you also seeing where people have attorneys and then they're utilizing mediators to be able to close the gap on our particular issue? Alex: So, I'm seeing both, in fact, depending on the issues that are being addressed. So in the first instance, I would, I would say that parenting issues often can be resolved with the parties without their attorneys being present because quite simply they are the key people that know what their children need and how to craft an agreement that meets the needs of their children, their extracurriculars, the extent that their child has a special need. They are the two people and the two people primarily who know what those needs are and who can speak to those issues and in the best way. When it comes to financial issues, they're oftentimes one or both parties who really are not equipped to handle the financial issues on her own and really look to their attorneys to provide them with the guidance that they need. And my role is to facilitate the discussion and help navigate that conversation. Alex: And, and whether attorneys are involved also depends on what phase in the case mediation comes in. So for example, cases may or may not begin sort of with a bang and there are some temporary issues that need to be resolved immediately. So, who's going to pick up Tommy from soccer practice? Who's going to pay for school tuition this month? Who's going pay the mortgage bill? These are immediate issues that the people need a band-aid for immediately while they're working on a more global resolution of all the issues in the case. So those immediate issues may be addressed with just the parties present without attorneys involved. And then once everyone has done their discovery and they're prepared to address all the issues in the divorce case, that is when the attorneys may come in and participate in the process. Rhonda: So I love one of the things that you said, I just want to touch on, because I see this in the women that I'm working with, which is, there are some of those immediate things that do need to be resolved or taken care of the day-to-day stuff. Like you said, who's going to pick up so-and-so from soccer practice and let's talk about who's going to pay the bills, you know, or which bills they're going to pay. So, if somebody is listening today and they're feeling frustrated because they perhaps feel like, you know, people aren't listening to them like, hey well we'll get to that later, we'll get to that later. Cause I mean the divorce process in and of itself, there are certain kind of key milestones and sometimes those things don't get talked about traditionally until later. What are some of the things that women could say, "Hey listen, this is an important concern or issue for me," so they can really get or bend the ear of their attorney and or mediator? Alex: Well, I mean and certainly in Chicago and I believe in many other courts, all parenting issues must be mediated before a judge will provide a hearing or a trial date. And judges also it's permissive for them to send financial matters. So, I would impress upon these women to, or anybody, to seek the opportunity, typically in mediation from the outset. So, they can address the immediate issues without going through the periods of frustration, without having them be resolved. And you know, the uncertainty is really unnerving for all people and quite frankly, that spills over to the children. And so, it's best for everybody involved if you can avoid that uncertainty and sort of assign these tasks as the process is going along. Rhonda: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Well, let's transition into talking about a couple of key things related to mediation. And the first thing that I know that you wanted to share was around the fact that family matters can be resolved through mediation. So, talk to us a little bit about that. I know we've kind of highlighted that a little, but let's take a little bit deeper. From your experience, and now the good news is you kind of have been on both sides of the litigation side and now you've moved into more of the mediation side. You know, talk to us about how those are, how some of those things are getting resolved. Alex: Certainly. So, I mean, there are very few cases in the family law realm that are so clearly black and white and there are many shades of gray. And it's just a matter of appealing to what's important to the two people who are crafting the agreement. And even people, we're, we're taping this on a Monday. So even people who couldn't agree that today is Monday after working through the issues in their particular case, can ultimately reach an agreement that it's Monday. It's possible and it's possible to do it in an amicable way. It's possible to do it in a way that, through the process or sitting in the same room together or alternatively they're sitting in separate rooms together and the mediator is shuttling between them and, going through all of the terms that need to be addressed in a way that is productive with, avoiding the mudslinging and it's, and it truly is possible. Rhonda: Yeah. So, what role would you say, I mean, so the parties, right? I mean, if they're using mediation as their primary method, need to be organized and come to the table with, completing assignments or conversations or whatever that the mediator's kind of helping them to kind of work through. Who is kind of identifying the agenda? I mean, so the, for the people that are considering going through mediation, what kinds of things should they doing to make sure that they're as prepared as possible for those mediation meetings? Alex: Certainly, that's a very good point. I mean, the mediation can only be as productive as the party preparation for the process. So, at the outset, I as a mediator find out what issues are being discussed, whether it's only parenting issues, whether it's financial and parenting issues. And in order to make the process most productive, the parties need to complete their financial affidavits. They need to know what their income situations are, what their, what their other spouse's income situations are, what assets exist, what are their expenses, what are their expenses now, and what are their expenses likely to be in the next few years. I mean, the goal is to anticipate as many possible contingencies as you can so you can address them in agreement, in the agreement to avoid litigation down the road. So, I set the agenda, I give the homework and timelines for the homework to be completed in order for the process to be the most productive possible. Rhonda: Yeah, I love that. And I think, just having some clarity right, on you whose role is helpful through this process because people don't know what they don't know. Right? They don't know what they don't know and if they've never been through that course before, and/or if they're considering mediation as an option then I think those are some of the things that are helpful for them to know. Alex: Certainly, and, and knowledge is power, and knowledge is being more informed certainly allows somebody to participate in a more meaningful way in the process. And that's critically important, especially for a spouse who, may not have been well versed in the finances of a family prior to the process beginning. And look, there is no shame in that. I mean, when you're living together and you're married, there's a division of labor in the home and the fact that one parent may not have been responsible for paying the bills or knowing what their savings, where their savings was even located, let alone how much existed. That's, that's a normal arrangement in a, in a family. And that by virtue of a divorce, you know, changes. Everybody needs to be informed. Rhonda: Yeah, absolutely. Well, and I have said on many of the previous podcast recordings the formula for having financial confidence is the knowledge plus the experience because you can't have one without the other. Right? And so, if they maybe have the knowledge but don't have the experience, that may impact their confidence. But as they go through this process and ask questions and they take an interest, hey, you know what? You can gain the knowledge; you can gain the experience. Ultimately at the end you're going to come out having more confidence as you step into that role because not only will you be forced to do it, I guess is the bottom line. I mean, whether you want to or not, you're going to have to step up and, and take ownership of the finances. And so, we can use that divorce process as a great way for women to navigate through that and kind of gear up for having to take some of those things over on their own. Alex: Right. Absolutely. And I would also point out that for the most part, mediation is a voluntary process. So, whereas in litigation, you might be in a circumstance where you feel like one party may feel like they're being shielded from obtaining the necessary information to be informed. And in mediation, the documents are being produced voluntarily. The financial information is being exchanged voluntarily so that everybody is armed and prepared to participate in the process. And you avoid that. Ideally, you're avoiding the feeling of being in the dark. Rhonda: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So, let's move on to talk about, I always say divorce isn't free. So, the question becomes how people want to spend dollars to go through the process. And one of the things that you had mentioned was that divorce does not have to be just economically devastating for people. And so, talk to us a little bit about that. Alex: Certainly. So, I mean, when you're in the courtroom a whole host of things happen. At a minimum, each party is more likely than not represented by counsel. There are court appearances that are meaningful and court appearances that are less meaningful, but nevertheless you're incurring fees for all of them. Court appearances can be delayed, they can be canceled, they can, and every single time your attorneys need to prepare and get up to speed in order to, to be productive in, in the courtroom. In the context of mediation, you are streamlining that process. You may or may not have your attorneys present. Everybody is prepared to proceed on a set day. And ideally because the process is being streamlined, you are avoiding significant fees that would, that are associated with the litigation process. Rhonda: Yeah, absolutely. Well, and I know that, you know, depending on what part of the country people are in, the range in which the divorce process on average, the cost on average, the duration on average. Again, we've got some national statistics around that, but each state or region or area may have may differentiate a little bit amongst you know, those areas. But on average, you know, the average cost for divorce is $15,000 and the average duration is a year. So that much we know. Alex: Which is absolutely wild. I mean, I could have a case referred to me, this week have their task list set out for the next two weeks, have mediation session the following week. And when it's all said and done, if we've reached anywhere, but you know, north of $3,500 to $4,000 just for the mediator, I would be shocked. You can wrap it up within. And that doesn't include attorney's fees to the extent that attorneys are being involved. But I mean, you can see that the process can be so slimmed down in a, in a major, major way. Rhonda: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Alex: And by the way, you know, there's also a range of mediators' fees. You know, certainly in Chicago there are former judges that are doing this that can command, you know, a significantly higher rate and they're tending to cases where perhaps their hourly rate doesn't necessarily factor into the analysis. Mediation isn't just, isn't just for wealthy people. And there are plenty of other professionals. I, for example, practiced for 12 years, I have significant experience, but I'm not commanding the hourly rate that a former judge does. Rhonda: Yeah, absolutely. Well, and I think too, it's for people to look at the different options and ask themselves a couple of questions. So, like as I'm working with clients and coaching them through, ultimately, it's up to them and in working with the attorney or mediator to figure out what process is best. But I can take them through a simple exercise that says, okay, here's pro se, here's mediation, here's litigation, here's collaborative. Let's just talk about the definition of each of those and then what are the pros and cons? What do you see as the pro or con of each of these areas? And what ends up happening is they come out of there and like, okay, I have a little more clarity on what really seems to resonate with me knowing my husband and how he might respond, what seems like the best option. Rhonda: And then they can start kind of exploring that because they have a lot of choices on what they feel like might be best. Now they're also, I think there's value in getting input from the professionals as well. But to be able to take some time and just think through all those options I think is good. And for some people, you know, it isn't as much abou…

Full show notes at the publisher

EP62: Divorce is a Marathon, Let's Run it Together with Rhonda Noordyk, CFEI Jul 12, 2019

Show notes

In this episode, we discuss:

The importance of having a core team
How the Women's Financial Wellness Center can help you in your divorce marathon
Finishing the marathon a more confident, solid, financially savvy woman that is ready to enter her next chapter!

TRANSCRIPT:

Thank you so much for joining me. Today is actually going to be a solo episode, and I am so excited to just be able to spend a little bit of time and chat with you. You know, I love doing the interviews, but sometimes it's nice to be able to just share some of the thoughts and things that I am seeing or thinking about.

So, thank you so much for joining me today. You know, as I was thinking about what I wanted to share, I think the main, overarching message is that you're not alone. And the vision that I've been having lately in certain conversations and just pictures in my mind has been a marathon. And whether you're a runner or not, you know, when we think about something that is time-consuming and takes training, and the actual journey itself is quite lengthy, and, you know, there's certain parameters along the way. There are mile markers. There are a lot of unknowns. We don't know if it's going to be raining. We don't know if it's going to be sunny. We don't know if it's going to be super-hot. We don't know if it's going to be windy.

You know, if we have a map, we may be able to identify, "Hey, are there some hills? What's the terrain look like?" So, we can build in some of the things we know. We know where the mile markers are going to be, and we know what the general path is going to be. But along that path, if you will, along that 26.1-mile journey, there's a lot of things we don't know.

And, you know, that's really the premise of the divorce process, right? Divorce is really a great training ground for us, as women, to step into our own. And I know sometimes in the midst of it, it's hard to see, like, "Hey, I'm going to actually come out of this stronger, or I'm going to feel relieved. I'm going to have more confidence on the other side."

But it's true. It happens, every single time. The unfortunate thing is, we can't get to the end of the race until we've put in the 26.1 miles. You have to cross the finish line. And, you know, when I think about the divorce process, even along the way, there's going to be some flags, right? And we want to make sure we avoid the red ones.

And, so, you can either go and run this race all by yourself and do it as a solo journey, or you can decide that you want to do it with other people. And, as it relates to the divorce process, what I mean by that is, I really believe that divorce is not a do-it-yourself project. It's not something that you should do on your own, a) because the average divorce is 52 weeks. That's an entire year. Don't isolate yourself. Find support. Surround yourself with people that are positive and encouraging.

I had somebody send me a message the other day, and she said, "Rhonda, I feel kind of sad." She said, "I was thinking about you, and how you only get to see women when they're in their saddest moments, their darkest times, their most vulnerable spot."

And I responded to her, and I said, "I really appreciate that because, you know, it certainly has forced me to build in very structured self-care, so that I can make sure that my cup is full, and that I'm operating with tons of energy, and I'm healthy and have great vitality, so that I can pour into the women that need me most."

But the second thing I said to her was, "You know what? I also get to see women when they are crossing the finish line, and I have the privilege of seeing the transformation."

And every time a woman, you know, crosses that finish line, and the divorce is over, she and I kind of take a brief snapshot back and say, "Gosh, you remember when we first met, and here you were in this spot, and you were super overwhelmed, and you were, you know, uncertain about how you were going to do all these things, look at all of the things that you've accomplished. Look at all of the changes that you've gone through, and you're still standing."

And while you might be tired, and you need to take a break, right, and refuel and fill up those electrolytes and get some rest, right, that probably has been missing over the months of the divorce process, it's just really an honor to be able to see women on the other side.

So, as you are going through this journey, the importance of having support, not only from friends and family, but also from professionals that are passionate about helping women, in my case, you know, I feel called to help women that are going through divorce. And the level of passion and commitment that I bring to the work that I do, is really, really important because, for me, it's not a job. This is my life's work, and I put my heart and soul into every single person that I talk to, every single podcast that we do, every single challenge that comes up that we're trying to figure out how to navigate through but, to that point, I'm one person, right?

And I believe that there needs to be a team of people that come alongside and support you. And from a professional perspective, I think there needs to be a core team. And that core team really has three legs on the stool, if you will. The first one is an attorney, and there's a variety of different ways that you can engage legal counsel, whether it's mediation, whether it's having an attorney that's representing you, whether it's collaborative divorce, and the list goes on, but making sure that you have legal counsel, number one.

Number two, making sure that you have a financial expert as part of your team. You know, the attorneys do actually run a lot of the numbers typically, but they're not analyzing the data. They're not helping you necessarily think through what that means for you in the short term, as well as the long term, and that's where my role comes in, right? Like, we sit down, we not only create a budget and a snapshot for today, but we say, "Okay, what's that going to look like a year from now?" Or, "Gosh, how are those decisions that you're being asked to make right now going to impact you, not just now, but also in the future, right?"

And, so, it's just a really important conversation to be having, and there's several, very important, key financial conversations that happen on our journey, right? On our 52-week journey, there's a lot of questions. "Do I keep the house? Do I sell the house? What's my budget? How much do I really need to make sure that I can live comfortably? Do I have to get a job?"

All of those questions are things that I can help answer, right? And if I can't answer them directly, I have a team of people that can help us. So my approach is very holistic, and I bring in the experts that we need.

"Do I keep the house?" Well, let's have a mortgage expert run some of the numbers, right, so we can get the facts. Anybody who has listened to other podcasts or has worked with me directly knows I am all about, "Let's just get the facts." Because I believe that once women have the facts, we're going to make really good decisions, right? Women are smart. It's just that we need to be able to have the right team of people, the right education, the right knowledge, with guided experience, right, and have somebody walk alongside so that you can make really good decisions. And, ultimately, that helps build your confidence, which is super cool.

So you've got the attorney. You've got the financial expert, and then you also have a therapist, so you've got the two main aspects of the divorce process covered, the financial and the emotional, and then you've also got that legal component as well. So that's your core team, right?

And once you've identified the core team, and hopefully, right, I'm part of that core team, because I would love the ability to be able to help you, we can also identify who are those other people that are part of the support team? These are people that maybe aren't involved in the day-to-day things of the divorce process, but their input, their expertise, is very important. So that might be a mortgage broker or a real estate agent or a CPA, or a business valuation expert, and the list goes on, right?

And, so, my job is to help you also assemble that support team based on what it is that you need. And, you know, if you're feeling like, "Gosh, this whole house thing is really keeping me up at night," then that's what we start with. We can try to start to identify the answers to some of those questions.

That being said, sometimes we might not know the answer or have enough information to answer the questions until mile 10, okay? So, we just have to be willing to say, "Hey, there's a couple of key things that have to get in place first, and then we can maybe answer some of those other questions."

For me, the budget is always at the top of the list as far as where we start, because once we can plug in some numbers and get a good, overall sense of what's going on, it will allow us to say, "Hey, can you stay? Yes or no?" We might start to get some ... That might start to be a little more clear now, right?

But the budget's always a work in progress, right? It's not one-and-done. So we'll do a first version, and then sometimes we got to make updates and changes and tweaks, and we play around with the numbers, and we run different scenarios and, at the end of the day, again, women have a lot of really great information and the facts and a team of people that can help them make good decisions.

So, you know, who's going to be on your core team? Who do you need to be on your support team, and who are going to be the people that refresh you along the way, right? Who are the people that are standing along with that cold glass of water, that cold cup of water that you can grab while you're running your race?

So, I just want to thank you so much for chiming in today. It has been a privilege to be able to spend time with you. Please make sure that you reach out to us, whether it's to schedule a 30-minute consult with me. Let's hop on the phone. Let's talk about your personal situation and see how I might be able to help you.

We've got free resources and checklists and tools, but then if you say, "Hey, Rhonda, I think I need a little more guidance," we've got coaching packages to be able to help you with that, and we can figure out what would be the best fit for you and what it is that you need.

In addition to that, make sure you check us out on social media. We are on Facebook, Instagram, and I'm on LinkedIn.

So I just want to thank you for your time today. Remember, don't travel alone. Let's start training for this marathon. Let's make sure we've got all of the things that we need in place to make sure that we finish strong, and end the race a more confident, solid, financially savvy woman to enter this next chapter.

CONTACT INFORMATION:

Rhonda Noordyk, CFEI

Founder & Owner

The Women's Financial Wellness Center

rhonda@wfwcllc.com

(262) 522-1502

LinkedIn | Facebook | Instagram | YouTube

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EP61: Work at Home Success: Lessons Learned from 24-Years of Working from Home with Lesley Pyle Jul 05, 2019

Show notes

In this episode, we discuss: Five things you need to know before you start working from home. What does it take to be successful working from home? What are the biggest mistakes people make when starting to work from home? About our guest: Lesley Pyle is the founder of HireMyMom.com, a boutique service connecting Entrepreneurs and Small Businesses with top-notch Virtual Professionals across the country. She began her work-at-home career in 1996 with the launch of her first website: Home-Based Working Moms. She has a Master's degree in Public Relations from the University of Stirling, Scotland while on a full academic scholarship and as an Ambassador of Goodwill for Rotary International. She also has a BA in Journalism / Public Relations from Texas State University. Pyle has been featured in numerous publications including Forbes, Entrepreneur, Wall Street Journal and USA Today. She and her husband live in Texas and have four children. Rhonda: Thank you so much for joining us! I am really excited to be able to introduce to Lesley Pyle, and she is the founder of Hire My Mom, which is a boutique service connecting entrepreneurs and small businesses. She began her work-at-home career in 1996 with the launch of her first website, Home-Based Working Mom. So, for all of us moms out there, we can relate to her business. Whether it's a full-time hustle, a side hustle, we're going to be sharing some tips on working from home. Lesley has a master's degree in public relations from the University of Stirling in Scotland and she also has some additional credentials as well. She has a bachelor's degree, bachelor's of arts actually in journalism and public relations from Texas State University. As I was looking through your credentials, isn't it fun that we have the opportunity to be able to use our journalism and public relations backgrounds to be able to share something we're super passionate about? Lesley: Yeah. You know, I was so thankful that I did have that background because it comes in handy no matter what business you have, to have a PR and marketing background. So, I credit that with helping me get my business off the ground because- Rhonda: Yeah, absolutely. Lesley: ... so many of us start on a shoestring budget, so being able to do some marketing and PR, in the beginning, was really helpful. Rhonda: Yeah, absolutely. Well, thank you so much for joining us today. Lesley: Yeah. Thank you. Pleasure to be here. Rhonda: So, share with us ... I know you've had several articles written, Huffington Post. What are some of the other places that you have written articles for or been - Lesley: I wrote ... Yeah, I wrote for Women Entrepreneur for quite a while and then I've written for some ... one-time posts on various parenting and work from home blogs. So, yeah. 24 years of doing this, so it's been ... A lot's changed over the years. Rhonda: Right? Well, when you and I chatted prior to doing the recording, that was one of the things that we were talking about is how things have shifted so much over the years. You know, I'd love for you to share, from your perspective, some of the things that you've seen as far as some of the shifts. Lesley: Yeah, most definitely. So, when I first started out 24 years ago, working from home was not so widely accepted. So, I basically .. When I started freelancing, I didn't tell my clients that I work from home because I knew it was going to be not as well received. Today, everybody thinks it's great and they're jealous if you work from home, but back then it was like, "Oh, you must not be very good at what you do if you work from home." So, that's been the biggest change. Lesley: With the advent of all the technology we have today with the Internet and with cell phones and email, none of that existed back ... Well, I think we had ... I did have a website, but I don't even know if I had email originally. But so much has changed and it just makes working from anywhere so possible now. With moms wanting that flexibility to work from home, not just moms that are searching for work, but moms who are business owners, a lot of them want to work from home, too, because that flexibility is just so helpful and beneficial for moms. So, I don't know about you, but I had ... When my babies were young, I had somebody come in and watch them while I work. That worked out beautifully. Then as they got older, they could go to a mother's day out or a preschool for a few hours a day and that sort of thing. Then, transition. Now, they're all in school. Rhonda: I know, right? It's like, "Oh, my gosh." Well, I think a lot of times, people start, they want the flexibility, and yet I think it takes the right person and right personality to be able to be disciplined and navigate through all of those pieces because ... I don't know that balance is really the right word because I don't know if you can ever have balance, but it's prioritizing those things and then also knowing like, "Hey, we might have to work a little bit longer this day so that we can do this on this day," you know? Lesley: Exactly. I find myself doing that. So, I may get up early one day and get a lot done because I want to do something that afternoon with my only one that's still at home or vice versa. I may work in the evening if I need to catch up on something if I've taken off a few hours during the day to go have fun or run errands or whatever it might be. So, yeah, it's such a huge benefit to be able to work that flexibility. Rhonda: Well, like you said, it is more widely accepted for people to stay at home. So, let's talk a little bit about some of the successes and lessons that you've learned from 24 years of working. Not only working from home yourself, but really helping other women work from home as well. So,- Lesley: Yeah. Rhonda: So, what are five things that women need to know before starting to work from home? Lesley: I think one of the biggest mistakes I see moms make is they jump right into something because they just want to work at home. So, the first thing that comes along, they're like, "I'm going to do it. I can make money." Well, that doesn't always work. It may work for some people, but I really think the best thing to do is to really spend time thinking about your true strengths, your passion, your experience, your education, and how those all fit together, and what could you do with that combination of skills and passions. I think you'll be so much more successful. Lesley: It may not be something that you can start and be up and running and making money the next day, but I think the old saying "Find what you love and the money will follow," is so true because I love what I do, so working is never like, "Oh, I've got to work today." Working is like, "Yay! I'm going to work today. What fun am I going to have?" because every day's a little bit different and I interact with different moms and business owners. So, that's my first recommendation is find something that you're passionate about. Lesley: Then, also consider the viability of your business. So, if you want to do something and there's no market for it or the market is saturated, maybe you need to go to plan B because if there's too much competition, it may be hard for you to make an income. But there's always room, you know. On the other hand, if what you do is really good and you can find your unique selling point, then you can always give it a go. Lesley: I also think it's really important to be a motivated self-starter because you don't have a boss looking over your shoulder and telling you to get in there and get to work. So, if that's not your personality, either you got to figure out how to make yourself become more motivated and self-start or maybe find something else where you are working for someone else. Lesley: Then, I think it's important to develop a plan, even if it's informal, where you write down your business idea, who your market is, how you think you can target them through whatever advertising, marketing, direct mail, whatever works for you, or direct email more these days. Lesley: Then, my final piece of advice is to commit yourself to at least six months. Don't give up too quickly because it does take time to get a business up and running, and sometimes it takes up to 12 months. So, if you're not making money the first month, don't give up. I know when I first started 24 years ago, I had such passion to make it work because I did not ... I took my baby girl to daycare for two weeks and I cried every day. This was me thinking ... I never thought I would be a stay-at-home mom. I used to think that was such a boring life, like, "Who wants to do that?" So, I had always envisioned myself as being this big, corporate career lady with my briefcase and my stilettos and I was going for it. Then, I had a baby and all of that just changed for me. Lesley: I was like, "I cannot bear to leave her in somebody else's care." So, when I quit after two weeks, my motivation was, "I better get some clients fast because we couldn't afford for me not to work." So, that was my motivation, and it pushed me out of my comfort zone because, normally, I'm not the type that would just cold call or call someone up and say, "Hey, do you need blah blah, blah?" but I did because I was really determined to make it work. So, if you're that determined, I think you've got your foot off to the right start. Rhonda: Yeah, absolutely. Well, I think, too, it's ... Part of the tip, too, is identifying needs, right? A lot of the businesses are started because there's a need of something. "We're going to help solve a problem for something," whatever that something is,- Lesley: Right. Rhonda: ... right? Lesley: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Most definitely. Rhonda: So, no, those are definitely some really great tips. So, let's talk a little bit about what it takes for women to be successful when they are working from home. Lesley: Okay. Yeah. I think some of the personality traits I've already mentioned, to be motivated, self-starter, perseverance, drive, determination. Because let's face it, you don't always have good days in your business. There are bad days. There are good days. So, just to persevere when you do have those bad days or there's difficult clients or things don't go right, that sort of thing. Lesley: It's also very important to be organized because, at least in the beginning, you're most likely going to be doing everything yourself, and so to be organized and have ... I like to sometimes time block my schedule so that I know for one hour I'm doing email, for the next hour, I might do social media, for the next hour, I might work on a project, and to give myself an organized daily outline of what my day is going to look like. Of course, you got to have flexibility sometimes because things happen, but that works well for me. The ability to manage your time well and to not allow yourself to get stuck viewing social media or whatever it is that might pull you away from getting work done. Lesley: I also think it's important to be a continual learner. Like I said, I've been doing this for a long time, but I still try to listen to podcasts and read books and stay up-to-date on new trends. There's always so much more to learn. I feel like there is so much more I could do and learn. You just don't have enough time. But to be a continual learner and to have that as your mindset, like, "I'm not going to get stuck and just do things the same way forever," because you want to stay current with everything. It's also important to adapt to changes. There may be something that changes in your industry or in your market, maybe new competitors to come in, and just being able to adapt and change. Lesley: So, I know with Hire My Mom, when I first started Hire My Mom, which is 12 years ago, there was not many other sites like Hire My Mom, but now there's quite a few. There's Fiverr and Upwork and FlexJobs and all these others, so what I've tried to do is stay in my lane and differentiate what is ... how is my Hire My Mom different? Well, we're different in that we're a boutique site. We're a lot smaller than those other big sites. We don't have a staff of 200 people. I have a team of three, so we're much smaller and we cater, obviously, to moms and small businesses and entrepreneurs. So, we don't go after the Marriotts and the big companies that do have work from home options. We just try to cater directly to our audience and provide the best service we can, a personalized service that you don't get on the bigger sites. Lesley: Then, like I said before, just having a passion for what you do I think is so important because when I talk to prospective business owners, I think they can tell that I truly enjoy what I do because I'm both an entrepreneur and a mom, so I fit both sides of my market and I'm passionate about being a mom and I'm passionate about being an entrepreneur, and I think that comes out when I talk to people. It's not something I have to manufacturer because it's truly something that I love. Lesley: Then lastly, I would say the ability to continue when other things are calling you. So, if you work from home, you can guarantee that you'll have distractions, whether it's the neighbors that want to come over and chit-chat or the laundry that's piling up or the grocery store that's calling you, and none of those things are bad, but you just have to know when to say, "No," to those things and let your ... get the work done that you need to get done for that day. Rhonda: You know, one of the ... I just love this conversation because I think, A, there's plenty of moms that are listening to the podcast right now that are trying to figure out, "Okay. Well, what am I passionate about? Where can I look to find gigs that I can do from home?" and there's also entrepreneurs that are looking for people to be able to help. Lesley: Right. Rhonda: One of the things that I ... There were two words that I wrote down that our conversation prompted me to think of. One is ... I think one of the things that we need to be very intentional about, especially when we're working from home, is not to be isolated because it's very easy to stay home, right? I mean, you've got ... Your kids are home, you're busy, you're working from home, and I think being intentional about finding specific groups or a group that you can be part of so that you can get out and meet people and talk to people,- Lesley: Right. Rhonda: So, just making sure that we're intentional of doing that because I think it's easy to do. Lesley: It is. Rhonda: Days go, weeks go by, and you're like, "I haven't even hardly left my house." Lesley: Right. That, I think, is a great tip as well. So, I do that. I make myself get out, too. I usually go to the gym and I'll do a workout class or something, so I'll have interaction there. I feel like it gets my mindset in the right place because I've got those endorphins running, I feel good, I've done something good for my self-care. Then I do a weekly women's group. We either have a prayer group or a Bible study, and so I connect in that way each week, too. Occasionally, I'll do the girls' lunch. Last week, I met with two other Hire My Mom ladies that are here in my area, in the Woodlands Spring near…

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EP60: Building Your Brand in the Midst of a Storm with Stacy Kaat Jun 28, 2019

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In this episode, we discuss: The importance of having a vision and writing it down Hire a coach to help you! Surround yourself with the BEST people! Rhonda: I am so excited to be joined today with my friend, Stacy Kaat. And she's not only a number one bestselling author, a speaker and also personal brand coach, she's also a woman who has gone through divorce and knows what many of you who are listening today are going through, what you're feeling like, some of the challenges you may be experiencing. And Stacy and I met several years ago, and it felt like we had known each other for a long time and I'm so grateful that we have had the opportunity to stay in touch. Thank you for joining us today. Stacy: Well thank you for having me, Rhonda. I haven't really publicly spoken about my divorce, so this is kind of fun and a little bit scary. Rhonda: I know that there's an element of vulnerability that comes with sharing our stories. I just want to say; you are welcome to share as much or as little as you want here today. And then we're going to transition into some keys on the personal branding side, but I just really feel like having this conversation is important because there may be women that are listening that are really going to resonate with what it is that you have to share. Thank you. Stacy: You're welcome. Rhonda: So, go ahead and share with us a little bit about your divorce story here as we're grabbing our coffee here on a chilly day here in Wisconsin, right, or tea? Stacy: A rainy day at the end of June. Rhonda: If you're listening, grab a beverage. You can decide if it's alcoholic or not, right? Stacy: You can always put a little of that Baileys in your coffee! Rhonda: I mean, right? Just saying. Stacy: Why not? So, I was divorced I think about, or married, I'm sorry, married, about 15 years. And he was a great guy. There was a lot of great things about him, but he was kind of heading in a different direction and I was heading in another direction and there were a few main things along that path that happened that last year or so that really changed the course and kind of led toward the divorce. I think one of them was a family vacation that we were on. And I just remember his sister asking me ... She was about my age, in her late 40s, and she's like, "A lot of my friends are getting divorced. How about you?" And I said, "Well, a few of them are, but yeah, most of my friends are still married. Some of the marriages are rocky." She said, "Well, how do you feel?" And I said, "Well, I could take it or leave it." And I was kind of shocked that had come out of my mouth. I was like, "Wow, that just came out of my mouth." Stacy: But I think the reality of it was, is that in my mind, maybe not consciously, I knew it was going to happen. We had moved from one house to another, we downsized, we got rid of a lot of things. We were simplifying our lives. We were paying off our debt. We had accumulated debt during that whole real estate crash. And there was a lot of things that happened. Stacy: I just want to say this again that the man that I ... Dave, he was a great guy. And he was very supportive of me our entire marriage. Everything I wanted to do, he supported me. Any idea I had, he supported me. And so, this wasn't a case of "he's not a nice guy, he doesn't treat me well, we don't get along", because we did. We got along really well. I could sense that his life path, the way his lifestyle was going, was not what I wanted. I had envisioned more of a very healthy lifestyle. I love being outdoors and I like to kayak and eat healthily, grow things in the garden and things like that. And that was the kind of lifestyle that I wanted, and I didn't feel that was happening anymore. We were starting to separate. Stacy: I was taking a class, and one night I was getting ready to leave for class and I was wearing a black dress and a black jacket. I was all dressed up for this specific class. And I gave him a hug and a kiss goodbye. And I said, "I'll see you later." And he said, "I fear you." And I'm like, "What do you mean? You think I'm going to shoot you?" I was carrying a gun because I was going to a concealed carry class, and that day we had to dress up and pretend we were going to a wedding and how are you going to conceal? So, I was wearing this dress. Of course, I probably looked kind of cute, right? And it must've just been like, wow, he saw me looking the way I did and kind of saying goodbye, and he just said that to me and I was shocked. And then he said, "I fear you're going to leave me." Stacy: I don't even know what I said. I cannot remember what I said. All I know is...I got into my car and all the way to the class, I just thought, "I think I'm getting divorced." So it was really a weird awakening like he knew, but I didn't really know. I mean, he kind of confronted me with something that must've been on his mind for a while. And then in my mind, I guess I just was ignoring the signs or ignoring the feelings because I thought, "Hey, I got married. I'm married. I have a child and this is how my life is supposed to be. This is the path I chose. I didn't plan on getting divorced. I'm not getting divorced." That was how I always felt. Stacy: That was kind of the beginning of it. I wrote him a really long note, kind of discussing some of my disappointment in our relationship, which was, I don't know, something I really don't want to get into. Then he read the letter and the next day he said, "Do you want me to leave?" And I was like, "I think I need a little time to think about that." This happened really fast, in just a couple of days, right? All of a sudden it went from normal to like, holy crap, there's this note and he thinks I'm going to leave him and now he's asking if he should leave. So yeah, that's kind of how it began. Stacy: And then I spent about a month in deep thought, "What am I going to do with my life?" I did not have a job. I was just working around the house, doing my gardening thing, fixing up houses. We owned a rental property at the time. I was taking care of that, taking care of our kid, and doing all that kind of stuff. So, I went on a little vacation by myself or with some other people, but not with him, and I came back still undecided, and we went out that night. When I got back, we went up to see a band that was playing, and I asked him to dance and he said no. And then I knew the answer. He didn't want to dance with me. So, then I think it was a couple of days later I asked him to leave. Rhonda: Well, and anybody that knows you, gets to know you or has the opportunity to follow you online, you can just see the light that you bring, right? I mean, so you are a dancing type of person, right? Full of energy, full of life, so in that moment it was probably the symbolism as much as it was the fact that he didn't want to dance, right? Stacy: Yeah. The whole thing is kind of surreal now that I'm talking about it again because this was six years ago. Yeah. Six summers ago in August. Rhonda: I think one of the things that I think we often find or I see for women that are in mid-life, right, that are going through divorce is you're not only dealing with the stuff with your spouse but your parents as well, right? And you're aging and so you're trying to find your way in that. So at the time that you had gotten divorced, your mom was still around. Correct? Stacy: When I asked him to leave, right after he moved out, about a month later, my mom told me she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was like, "Whoa." Yeah, that was really big. So yeah, that all happened at the same time. I was in shock with that. So here I am going, "Oh my gosh, what am I going to do with my life?" And he had just moved out and so I spent a lot of time with my mom and just to see her and see her as much as I could before we got ... We didn't get divorced until a little over a year later. We kind of hung on. He didn't live with me, but we stayed married because then I would have health insurance. And like I said, I didn't have a job and I didn't know what I was going to do with my life because I quit photography for a while, and I was doing the real estate stuff. I didn't have a paying job. Rhonda: Right. Well, and it's tough because I think, and the reason, and I know it's emotional, right? Because it's like you've got the two people that are closest to you in your life at that point that are either parting ways are going to be parting ways and it's just a matter of time, right? I think as we were kind of preparing for our time together, I know that a lot of the suggestions or tips that you have for the woman that are going through a divorce stem from that time period, right, when you were in the midst of it? And honestly, I think you and I must have met just shortly after the divorce because it's not been that long. If you really look at it, it's not been that long. It feels like it was longer. Kind of looking at, here you are, you're needing to reinvent yourself, right? Or pick up things that were passionate to you that maybe you had left along the side? So, talk to us just a little bit about that. Stacy: I really was kind of at a loss because I didn't know if I wanted to go back to photography. I was shooting weddings and portraits, and I kind of really got tired of doing that and I wasn't sure that I wanted to do that anymore. So really, I just went and got a job at Home Depot in the garden department and they need summertime help, right? I stayed unemployed after he left until the next spring because I was dealing with my mom and I was going back and forth to see her a lot. And she stayed around for a while yet. Stacy: So, I got this job at Home Depot and that was kind of like, "Okay, well this is fun, and I can Zen out on these flowers for a really long time." They just had me watering flowers. I am in total Zen mode and I feel really good about this, but "Wow, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I'm sure I'm not going to stay here. This is really not challenging, even though it felt good for the time being, and it was kind of fun helping people. I enjoyed that. But I thought, "I got to go back to work." Stacy: That job ended in July when the garden center kind of slows down and they kind of let me go and I was like, "Woohoo, it's 4th of July. I'm going to have a little bit of fun for 4th of July, and then August 1st, I am going back to work." So, I decided, "I'm just going to go to a networking event. I'm going to meet some people and I'm just going to throw it out there. Hey, I'm a photographer." That's what I did. I guess at that time I must've set up a Facebook page, a LinkedIn page, probably just those two. I'm sure that's what I did. I can barely remember anymore. And I just said, "Okay, I'm going to start doing photography." And I just told people, "Yeah, I do photography. I don't know exactly what it is that I'm doing. I'll photograph anything but just don't make me photograph your wedding. I don't want to do that. I'm done with that." Stacy: Then when I got on LinkedIn and I started looking at all the pictures and making connections and then going to networking groups and meeting the people and then connecting with them online, I realized there was a really big disconnect between what I saw online and what I saw in person. That's where the personal branding thing started taking shape, even though I didn't know it then. But that's when I was like, "You need to get a better headshot. You need to look like you look like in person. I want to feel like I'm virtually handshaking you, like it's you that I see, not somebody that's five years younger, 20 pounds skinnier, and different glasses. It doesn't look like you." And that really was odd to me and it still is when I see that today. It kind of makes me laugh. Stacy: That kind of started me on that path of, "Oh my gosh, these people need my help," because the world had changed in 10 years, right? There was no Facebook. People didn't have websites. We didn't have as many small businesses and entrepreneurs back then as we do now. With this surge of entrepreneurs, they needed more than a headshot. They needed other pictures and stuff, too. What happened then is it was a real slow progression. And as that progressed, I realized I kind of needed some help with my whole life because I was having a hard time focusing and dealing with the divorce, dealing with my mom dying. I need to find a place to live. I had a daughter still living at home with me. Stacy: So, I hired a life coach, a person who helped me separate the different segments of my life and set goals in each place and helped me with my mindset and creating a positive outlook for the future. How am I going to deal with my mom? How am I going to deal with the divorce? How am I going to deal with finding a place to live and making it a place I love to live? Where am I going to have my office and my studio? She helped me build that just by giving me the tools to manage all that. That was really cool. I totally forgot what your question is. I feel like I'm rambling now, but- Rhonda: Good. I think the importance, right, of having a vision, writing it down, segmenting out these areas of our lives, because I think as women, it is so easy for us to just be swirling all of he stuff and the negative stuff ends up clouding the positive stuff when there really are some positive things that are happening that we can celebrate, right? Stacy: Totally. Rhonda: But it's hard. I think guys have an easier time, right, of like, okay, they're very segmented. "This is my life and I'm going to put it up on the shelf and decide when I'm going to take it down," whereas we, not so much, right? Stacy: Yeah. We're a little more swirly with everything. Rhonda: Having the vision and writing it down in those respective categories, I think, is great. I know that was one of the things that helped you, hiring the coach, certainly. Another tip for people that are listening, you know, I think you and I met, fortunately met when I think we were supposed to meet, right? But, I wish in some instances that I meet women before they start that journey because I can help them along and be that coach that's helping them, and there's some aspects of that that we pull in other experts that specialize in certain areas, but having somebody to kind of walk through as they're reinventing themselves and asking those tough questions, and a coach, I mean, man, it's important. It really is important. Stacy: It is. Luckily, I had a lawyer who was a mediator and so her whole idea was that everything should be good for everybody in the party, for me, for my daughter and for my ex-husband. It was nice having that type of an attorney, and my husband chose not to have an attorney, and so that kind of made it easier, too, to a certain degree. My divorce was probably less complicated than most people's divorces would be because he was just, "Well, whatever you want." And of course, I was taking him into consideration. I said, "Do you want the house? Do you not want the house? Do you want to sell the house?" And he said, "I want the house." I said, "Okay, the house i…

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EP59: How to Have Essential Conversations with Your Parents About Their Finances with Cameron Huddleston Jun 21, 2019

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In this episode, we discuss: Why divorced women should talk to their parents about their parents' finances How to start the conversation and what to gather 🌟 Master Your Next Move in Divorce: Watch our FREE Masterclass and learn how to empower your divorce journey with confidence, clarity, and control. 🎥 FREE MASTERCLASS: Get Instant Access TRANSCRIPT: Rhonda: All right. I am so excited to be able to interview today, Cameron Huddleston. She is the author of Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk: How to Have Essential Conversations with Your Parents About Their Finances. She is an award-winning personal finance journalist, and life and money columnist for GoBankingRates. So, thank you so much for joining us today. Cameron H.: Thank you so much for having me on your show. Rhonda: So, this is a topic that anybody who's had any conversation with me or seen some of the things that we've been doing here at the Women's Financial Wellness Center, I have been a champion for having the conversation with our parents about money. Some might think, "Okay, Rhonda. Well, I thought this was a podcast about women going through divorce." Yes, it is. You're in the right place. But I also feel like as women are going through these challenges, we know that most of our clients are 45 to 65, and that also means that their parents are aging. Rhonda: So, it's not uncommon for them to be dealing with a divorce, and yet trying to help mom and dad navigate through their personal aspect related to finances. So, I am so excited to be able to dive into this topic. Let's start with, first, the why. So, we're going to talk about the why, the how, and the what. So why should divorced women talk to their parents about the parents' finances? Cameron H.: Obviously, everyone should be having these conversations, but I really do think women, in particular, and that includes divorced women, absolutely must have these conversations because women are much more likely than men to become caregivers for their parents. I mean, more than half of caregivers are women. And so, this can impact your finances big time. Rhonda: Yes, absolutely. Cameron H.: Big time because most people do not have any sort of long-term care plan. They don't have long-term care insurance. And if they don't have that, then they often don't have any other way to pay for long-term care. So that means their children are their long-term care plan. And as a woman, you are most likely going to be that caregiver, that long-term care plan for your parents. You want to know this before you're in a situation where you have to step in and start providing care because, like I said, this will impact your finances. Cameron H.: Being a caregiver is a full-time job. I know this because my mother has Alzheimer's. She was diagnosed 10 years ago when I was 35 and she was 65. I had young kids at the time. I still had a child in diapers at the time. I always thought my mother was going to be there for me to help me with my kids. But the roles were flipped entirely. I had to step in and start helping her with her finances, and then help provide care for her. She lived with us for a little while. And then it got to the point where it was too hard for me to juggle caring for my mom and for my kids. Even with the help, even with a hired helper, it was still too much. Cameron H.: Fortunately, we had some conversations and I knew ... Obviously, we had conversations because I had to get her in to meet with an attorney to get her legal documents updated so I could legally step in and start managing her finances for her. And this is so, so important. This is one of the key reasons why you must have these conversations because you have to be mentally competent to sign a will, or living trust, a power of attorney, and advanced healthcare directive. And so, if you wait until mom and dad are already having health issues, it can be too late. Cameron H.: And just for people who don't know, people are pretty aware of what a will does. But a power of attorney lets you name someone to make financial decisions for you if you no longer can, and the advance healthcare directive lets you name someone to make healthcare decisions for you, and also spells out that end of life care you want like whether you want to be on life support. And so, I did this with my mother in the very, very early stages of her dementia when she was still competent enough. If I had not done this, I would not have been able to step in and start managing her finances for her without going through very expensive and lengthy court proceedings to be named her conservator. So, we had done these things. Cameron H.: But like I said, as I stepped in and started caring for her, it was difficult. Finances aside, emotionally it was difficult, and it was too much of a tug of war on me. And I really wish I had had conversations with my mother before she started having issues. Because once we were already there, we weren't talking about hypotheticals. We were in the thick of it. And of course, she was having memory issues. So those conversations weren't easy. If we had had them earlier and I had said, "Mom, let's figure out what sort of long-term care you would want if you ever need it," just would've been so much easier if we had had those conversations in advance. Rhonda: Right. Absolutely. Well, and I'm also thinking one of the things that I did and having that conversation with my parents was I set up my birthday as a deadline. Like, "Hey, I need to have this conversation before ..." We'll just take a date, my 39th birthday. And you're like, "Oh, I really don't want to have this conversation." And I know you talk about this in the book like, "Well, what if the fear? What if they think I'm trying to skew the results, or influence their decision making, or whatever?" Rhonda: I had a good friend who at the time was into the death care industry. So, she owned a cemetery. She's like, "Rhonda, you know this is important." I'm like, "I know. And I know that I encourage other people to have these conversations, so I know that I have to do it." And so, I set my birthday, which is April 6th, as the deadline. Well, only as good friends do, she called me on April 5th and said, "Have you had the conversation?" And I said, "No, but I have 24 hours yet." Rhonda: I did end up calling my parents and having that conversation. And it's one of those where you're like, "Women are often the ones we've got an initiate," right? And I know you talk about this in your book and we'll get into a little bit like, okay, well how do you even start the conversation? And I was like, "Well, I'm going to start by saying here are my wishes. By the way, what are yours?" And it opened the doors, and then you're like, "Okay, well we can check that off the list for now. We'll revisit it later." But at least we were able to start having those conversations. Rhonda: One of the other things that you said that I think is important is it can impact us as women, our financial situation if our parents haven't planned. And not only when they're alive, but also in planning their end of life expenses as well. Because I always say, you can only pass the hat around so many times at the funeral. Somebody's got to write a check, right? And so, that somebody would be the next of kin, aka … us. Cameron H.: Right. Right. Rhonda: And they don't wait. I mean, the funeral homes do not do payment plans. So, it is at the time of service that somebody needs to pay. So, there are lots of phases to that that could really impact your finances as well. Cameron H.: Certainly, because you will have to be involved in your parents' finances one way or the other. Maybe your parents will never need you to care for them. Maybe they will never need you to help them out financially as they age. But like you said, I mean, we all die. If your parents have not planned for that, and maybe they don't have money to pay for their funeral, maybe they don't have a will, it will impact you. I mean, it will impact you even if they have plan because you're going to have to get in there and sort everything out if you've been named the executor of their will, or maybe you and your siblings have to do it together. Cameron H.: But if they don't have a will, it can lead to fighting if they don't have any finances, nothing set. If they don't have any money set aside to pay for their funeral, then yes, they're going to be passing the hat around you and your siblings, or if it's just you, someone's going to have to pay for it. Rhonda: Yeah, absolutely. And I think that's ... It's hard to have those conversations or start the conversations. But you don't want to be in that spot where you wish should've, could've, would've had, something as simple as making sure that you're on the same page. And I think too, the power of attorney role, like, "Oh, this is a really honored spot to be." It is, but it comes with a boatload of work. Right? Cameron H.: A ton. It's not an easy job. Rhonda: No, it isn't. And unfortunately, like you said, these types of situations don't always bring out the best in people, right? Because they're stressed, and they're tired, and overwhelmed. And if they don't feel like they're bringing the knowledge to the table, everybody kind of has their best interest in mind, right? I mean, that's just human nature, at least initially. And so, it can really make those situations very challenging. Cameron H.: I think, though, you brought up something. Women who are going through a divorce, or who have recently gone through one, are honestly in a very good position to bring up this conversation with their parents because they can talk about some of the experiences they have. Like, "Mom and dad, obviously you know I just went through a divorce, and I realized I needed to update my will. I needed to change the beneficiaries on my life insurance and my retirement account. And when I was doing this, it made me think about you. I just wanted to make sure ..." And maybe your parents have gone through a divorce themselves, or maybe they did these things years ago, and they haven't updated their will, or they never got around to it. Cameron H.: "Mom and dad, I just went through this process myself. I just kind of wanted to check in to see where you guys stand with this? Have you drawn up a will? Have you updated it recently to reflect any changes in your life? Have you updated your beneficiaries on your insurance policies, on your retirement accounts? I know I did this, and I'm so glad I got around to doing it. Unfortunately, it was a bad situation that forced me to do it, but I just thought I check in to see whether you've done this." Cameron H.: You can use your own life event to start these conversations with your parents. Talk about yourself and your own experiences. That can really open the door to conversations with your parents. It's not going to be like you're coming out of the blue and bringing it up. You have a reason to start the conversations. Rhonda: Yeah, absolutely. I think that is so spot on, right? Because they are in the middle of it. Once the divorce is final, whatever estate planning that woman and her husband had in place is then null and void. So, they do have to go through that reestablishing the estate plan, identifying what their wishes are. And so, I think it is a great, natural time to have those conversations. I love that you brought that up. Cameron H.: And I was going to say too that I ... One of the reasons I knew I had to get my mother in to update her documents is because she had gone through a divorce. She and my father divorced several years before she had Alzheimer's diagnosis. And I had a feeling she probably hadn't updated her own documents. And so, I wanted to make sure she had done that before again. Certainly, life events are a good way to start these conversations. Rhonda: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Let's talk a little bit about ... I know in your work, and I had the privilege to preview it. And so, thank you for that opportunity. I can't wait to get a hard copy. One of the things that you talk about in there, which I just chuckled because my kids are at this age where I can totally relate, and that is starting that conversation with our parents is kind of like having that preteen or teen birds and the bees conversation. Like you know you need to have the conversation, and somebody's got to go first. Cameron H.: You know, I'm so glad you brought that up because this conversation is often equated with the birds and the bee talk. GoBankingRates just released a survey. They asked adults across America whether they've had detailed conversations with their parents about their finances. 73% have not. 73% have not. GoBankingRates also asked, "What conversation would you rather have? Are you more comfortable having with your parents than talking to them about money?" And what blew me away is that, and this is a small percentage, but it's still there. Cameron H.: 9% of people said they would rather talk to their parents about their parents' romantic life than talk to them about their finances. And I was like, "Who are these people? How can talking about money, about your parents' finances, be scary talking to your parents about their sex lives?" That is a conversation I never would want to have. It's way too awkward. But there are people out there who think that's less scary than talk to their parents about money. Cameron H.: I get it. It can seem scary. It can seem awkward, but you do have to keep in mind that as awkward as the conversation might seem, these are your parents. They love you, and they might seem and feel a little bit uncomfortable when you bring it up, but they're probably not going to be so mad at you that they're never going to talk to you again. If you point out to them the reason why you're having this conversation because you're looking out for their best interest, which is ... That's why we as parents had these conversations with our kids about the birds and the bees. It's your job as a parent, and you can ... You can even use that, "Mom and dad, do you remember when you had that conversation with me, that awkward conversation when I was a kid about the birds and the bees? Why did you have that conversation?" Cameron H.: And of course, they're going to say something like, "Well, it's my job as a parent. You have to have those uncomfortable conversations sometimes." And then you say, "Yeah, you're right. And I know this might seem a little bit uncomfortable now. But as your child, I feel like it's my job to also look out for you. And so, I want to have this conversation with you now because I want to make sure that as you get older, I'm going to be able to provide that care that you provided for me. And to do that, we need to have this conversation, and I don't want you to think of it as uncomfortable. No matter how uncomfortable you think it is talking about money, if we don't have the conversation, the consequences could be a lot worse. I might not legally be able to step in and help you. We might not have a plan for what sort of care you want. Having these conversations now really will give us all peace of mind and make things easier as you get older." Rhonda: Yeah, absolutely. And make sure that, like you said, that you can execute w…

Full show notes at the publisher

EP58: Healing After an Affair with Melissa Davis Jun 14, 2019

Show notes

Melissa Davis, an affair survivor, joins us today to talk about healing after an affair. It is never an easy conversation and a lot of women are facing this subject. Being able to heal through the affair is so crucial for women. Carrying unhealed wounds is trauma – a big thing in your life that you have to deal with, or it will keep coming back up. Your body and mind must deal with it so breathing through it helps it. If you do not make the choice to heal, then you are just going to carry around this heavy weight that you do not want to have with you. It comes down to choices. A strong, fierce woman who can handle everything or hold on to it and become bitter and resentful. In order to move forward with other relationships, we need to go through the healing process. It's not easy – it is painful, yes, but necessary. Allow yourself as many ugly cries as you must in order to heal and move forward.

When we choose to be mindful and pay attention to our thoughts, that really starts to help us realize the truths. Melissa shares that her husband was having many affairs and with people that she knew, and thought loved her. We must remember that both women and men that have partners that are unfaithful to them go through the grief process – the same timeline of misery. Women never go through things in vain. There is always a deeper purpose and a deeper meaning. You must breathe through the pain. Your life is not over even though it is overwhelming – you still have a lot to offer.

Our belief is that whether you choose to stay or go you want to make that choice from a healthy place in your heart and mind. You must start addressing some of that healing to really know what you need.

In this episode, we discuss:

Why healing from an affair is crucial
What makes After the Affair different
A helpful tip to use when you keep having flashbacks or obsessive thoughts
Having the right resources and tools to help you through the emotional and financial stuff
What your core team is so you can move forward and make good decisions

"Grieving, it's like exhaling after holding your breath for far too long."

RESOURCES:

Julia Kristina on YouTube

Melissa Davis

Affair Survivor

After The Affair

(828) 773-7735

contact@aftertheaffair.co

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EP57: 5 Items Every Newly Divorced Woman Needs in Her Power of Attorney (POA) with Beth Ruthmansdorfer Jun 07, 2019

Show notes

Beth Ruthmansdorfer, Attorney with Moertl, Wilkins & Campbell, S.C., joins us to discuss the various ways that setting up authority in your Financial Power of Attorney (POA) is beneficial to you including your business, pets, children, and other assets that you have especially while going through and post-divorce. Assigning authority within your Financial POA is important because it gives you control over where your assets go in the case that something happens to you. The 5 items that every newly divorced woman needs in her POA are:

Beneficiary designations – this is important because if an accident happens and the estate plan is not done yet you need to have your agent have the authority to be able to add the beneficiary on those assets to make sure the plan works (i.e., life insurance and retirement accounts). There is still a lot of clean-up to do post-divorce. You want to make sure your ex-spouse is not listed as a beneficiary on your accounts and assets.
Creating and Funding Trusts – making sure the adequate paperwork is done to complete the process. This is important because you might not have gotten started, but your agent can finish the process if the agent is specified in the POA.
HIPAA – if we are not physically able to pay our bills then we want our Financial POA to have the authority to pay our medical bills and get a second opinion or can look at the medical pieces in order to do a proper analysis.
Business – if an individual opens a business and something happens to them physically where they are not able to manage it or they cannot pay the bills, somebody needs to have the authority to manage those business assets.
Pets – having the authority in the POA to have someone care, manage, and pay for your pet is important because there are a lot of veterinarians that will not release any information about the animal to anyone that is not the owner of the animal.

The more authorities that you lay out in your Financial Power of Attorney, the less likely you are having to go to a court of law to ask for permission.

In this episode, we discuss:

Financial Power of Attorney
Beneficiary designations
Naming minor children as beneficiaries
Estate Planning: Importance of having a Trust in place
Creating and funding Trusts
Post-divorce storm clean-up
HIPAA

RESOURCES:

Legal Empowerment for Women Through Estate Planning

Post-Divorce Storm Clean-Up with Rhonda Noordyk

Elizabeth Ruthmansdorfer

Attorney

Moertl, Wilkins & Campbell, S.C.

(414) 376-4366

eruthmansdorfer@lawmwc.com

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EP56: How to Become a Difference Maker with Heather Schaefer May 31, 2019

Show notes

Women, in general, are natural givers especially when they are empowered and confident. During divorce, especially during the midst of divorce, confidence can be impacted by what you wear, your financial situation and even the people that you surround yourself with. There are things that you can do that will boost your confidence and help you to move forward.

Heather Schaefer, Personal Stylist and Chief Team Builder, is passionate about helping people to be difference makers. Her mission is to empower women to be confident in their own skin and become difference makers in their home, their workplace, and their community. In this episode, she explains that the common thread amongst women is that we like to look good. Not for other people but for ourselves. When we put on our super suit, that first layer of clothing, it helps us work better, be kinder, our attitude shifts, and our posture changes. Dress with confidence, it helps you feel like you can take on the day!

When it comes to financial confidence, think outside the box. There are more people today that are generating more than one income. Having that extra income allows you the freedom and flexibility to do the things you want to do when you want to do them. The market right now is great for thinking outside the box like working from home or job sharing. When it comes to running your own business be sure to narrow your niche with what you are offering and know the solutions you can solve for other people.

Our community can be so greatly impacted when women can have more flexible income and freedom in how much they give. When we are going through a life change or a struggle, there is so much that can happen when we step outside of ourselves and think of another person first. When we do that, it will build up your confidence as well as the person that you are serving, that you are walking alongside. Surround yourself with people that want to pour into you, that are the most positive, supportive people that you can find. When you come out of your struggle, you will be stronger and more confident.

In the words of Sandra Yancy, Founder of eWomen Network – "Every master begins as a disaster."

In this episode, we discuss: