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8 Life Lessons Every Dad Should Teach His Daughter - Ep 171 Jun 12, 2018

Show notes

I wanted to create an episode that I thought would be really important for my young daughter to listen to. This episode is from the perspective of me talking to her. If you are able to communicate and teach these lessons to your own daughter, that is awesome. However, you can also listen to this podcast with her and use it as reference to talk about the different points. We will cover 8 life lessons every dad can teach his daughter:
#1 - You are capable of solving problems yourself - You don't need to depend on anyone, especially a boy. Whether it's for emotional, financial, or any other support, you are totally capable of being self-sufficient and taking care of yourself.
2 - You are perfect the way you are - Every person is unique and perfect in their own way. Nobody (including friends, family, the media, or anyone else) gets to dictate what perfection is. You are perfect the way you are.
#3 - You can do anything boys can do - Now, I do think celebrating the differences between boys and girls (men and women) is good. We are different and that makes us each great. But you will not hear me say "that's for boys". You can work on cars, learn martial arts, or shoot a basketball. I will not limit you and don't let anyone else do it either.
#4 - Stand your ground - You have a right to believe what you want. Protect and defend yourself as well as those you love. Your views are just as valuable as anyone else's.
#5 - Your affection is yours to give - You have control over your body and get to choose who you want to give affection to. You should never feel obligated (even with family) to have to hug or kiss anyone. You affection is yours to give
#6 - Be empathetic - Learn to put yourself in other people's shoes. This may include helping people or simply understanding someone else's perspective. Empathy is powerful.
#7 - Respect Yourself and Others - Know your worth and learn how to say no. For others, you may not always agree with someone, but allow them to express their views.
#8 - You are in charge of your emotions - You are the one who decides what something means. You get to choose your story and how things effect you. Just a tip, choosing happiness is a lot better but it's totally up to you.
Well, we want to hear from you. Are there some other life lessons you think are valuable? Leave your feedback in the comments section below.

Why Your Wife Isn’t Paying Attention To You After Having a Child – Get Some More Attention – Dudes To Dads Ep 170 Jun 05, 2018

Show notes

You just had a child, whether you have a newborn, or your child is now a toddler, she's tired. She's tired of cleaning up after the kid, tired of taking the child places, and most likely tired of you complaining. While for some guys it may be as simple as you are just wanting more physical intimacy, but for other it may just be that you want her to recognize that you are in the house. There may be an entire spectrum. So I wanted to put together a few tips for guys to help them with their situation. As always, none of this advice has anything to do with my own personal experience. I got these from a friend :) 1) Stop complaining - Nobody wants to hear you complain. When someone complains to you, does it motivate you to act? 2) Don't Try to Always Be Right - It is so not worth it. You need to learn quickly that arguing or more importantly being right, really doesn't get you anything. 3) Be empathetic - You need to understand that being a mom is hard. It is often a thankless job and the demands are heavy. When she is complaining about something, listen. Really listen. 4) Positive re-inforcement - Many women after having kids begin to feel like they are not "good enough", "sexy enough" or whatever enough is in their head. If we are making demands on them, this will only add to the fire. Providing them positive re-inforcement and showing appreciation will go a long way. A comment like "I really appreciate you being able to make dinner. 5) Lower or eliminate your expectations - Top putting expectations on the other person. She should be doing the same for you too. Sure there are elements in parenting that require expectations but for things like paying attention to you, you are going to have to back off. Offer her attention or affection with no expectations. 6) Figure out her love language - She may not care that you buy her a gift but really would love if you cleaned something. Figure out what which language she is and do that more. 7) Give her some R&R time - If she is with the children all the time, give her a break and allow her to sleep in, get a massage, or do nothing at all. Maybe even setup a regular schedule that allows her to re-charge at regular intervals. If you are wanting more, I know it's hard to not want more but that how it works. When it doesn't become about you, that's when you are more inclined to get the attention you deserve. You do deserve attention, you just need to be aware that your wife deserves the type of attention she wants too.

Traveling with a Toddler – Long Car Rides & Flights – Dudesto Dads Ep 169 May 29, 2018

Show notes

I recalled having a lot of anxiety before any traveling we did when our kids were toddlers. A long car ride or a long flight can be a nightmare if you are not well prepared. I figured I would offer some tips to surviving the trip: For car rides: 1) Schedule the ride around nap time if you can. Kids will sleep in the car. If you have a long car ride ahead, know if your child is more cranky before or after their nap and time the ride accordingly. 2) Pack snacks - Then pack more snacks. Nothing generates hunger like boredom. But use them when you absolutely need it. Bring water, fruit, crackers (of course any that don't make too much of a mess). 3) Plan to stop - Even if nobody requests to stop, do it anyway. Take a bathroom break. Even if it's 5 or 10 minutes. Get them to walk around, stretch, etc. Ok this one may be even more for me but it's important for them too. 4) Play seeing or verbal games - We used to play alphabet all of the time as kids and still play with ours. If they are old enough, you look for signs that contain the letter and go through the alphabet. 5) Bring entertainment - Books to read coloring books, stuffed animal or action figured. While I'm not a big fan of occupying a child's time with electronics, a long road trip may be the one time where rules go out the window. For short rides I don't think it's a good idea as they then don't have the ability to entertain themselves. But for long trips, it may be an ipad or a movie that can pass some of the time. You will still want to limit too much screen time. Audio stories - Instead of a movie, I really liked the idea of an audio book or story. This may they get to use more of their imagination. You can use a phone or even an mp3 player to find stories. 6) Rotate Seats - If you have more than one child, put them in different places halfway through the trip. A plane requires primarily the same things with a few small differences 1) Schedule when they are their happiest. Unlike the car ride which is best scheduled around naps, I have found they don't sleep on the plane. It's too exciting. So we scheduled the trips in the early morning because my kids were always at their best in the mornings. 2) Give yourself some extra time - Airlines already require you to be there so early but with kids, it makes sense. Everything just takes a little longer. 3) While you can't stop the plane, do still get up and walk around. You may even want to schedule this once an hour so you don't get to the point when you have to do it. 4) Go nonstop - The least amount of travel time is preferred and their is only one takeoff for hurting ears. You'll get to know your child. If you have to break it up into stops, then ok, but it was never my preference. 5) Bring lollipops or gum - They usually have problems with their ears so bring them something to suck on which will help their ears pop. This can be painful. 6) Have them sit near the window - The aisle can be a little dangerous with carts and people walking by. 7) Bring snacks that last - Raisins, goldfish, pretzels, grapes. Anything that can be eating one at a time and can take a long time to eat. For you, meditate and get a good night's sleep if you can/ Traveling with a toddler is not easy. You'll want to be refreshed and ready to take it on so you are not stressed.

How to Get Your Child To Listen – Raising a Good Listener – Dudes To Dads Ep 168 May 22, 2018

Show notes

I said I was going to write a book called 1000 times because that is how many times it feels that we need to say something as parents before our child gets it. In Episode 144 - we talked about 11 ways to improve your listening skills. But this is for us as adults. what about getting our kids to listen to us? It is a big problem. Like so many parenting issues, the problem might not be so much the child's fault as it is our fault for not doing the right things. Usually listening means we want them to do something they are supposed to do anyway. We resort to repeating oursevles, nagging, or even ignoring it. If we are to do the opposite it means we don't repeat ourselves, we take action quickly, and we allow natural consequences to happen. This starts when they are toddlers and doesn't happen overnight. Ifn fact for many it is a really long, drawn out process of pain. Once they get into teen years, you hope you have trained them to take care of themselves. Either way, here are some ways to improve their listening: 1) Monkey see monkey do - check yourself and make sure you are listening to your kids when they ask you something 2) Use less words - In fact use one word if you can. "upstairs" "eat" . We often confuse our kids with too many words and have too many commands. 3) Create a routine - Make a morning and evening schedule. This does help but begins to crumble quickly if you don't refer and stick to the schedule or are the cause of the schedule to not be followed. 4) Ask questions - What do we do next? What do we do after we take a bath? 5) Positive re-inforcement - When they do it right, make a big deal about it!! You were so helpful getting into the car on time this morning. It is really appreciated. 6) Be Direct - Don't say "Maybe you should clean up your room" or "I think it would be a good idea if you put your dishes away" and instead say "Please clean your room" and "Your dishes need to be put away after dinner" Of course it would be better to ask questions here but if you don't, be direct. 7) Make sure you have their attention - If they are in the middle of a video game, they are not going to hear you. Usually eye contact is also going to indicate at least you have some attention. Yelling upstairs or down the hall can also be a little difficult to get their full attention. If it's important, go to them and say it directly. 8) Natural consequences - Let the consequences happen if they don't listen. For example, if they are consistently late for school, if you have other children (and a spouse who will be home) then let them know the car is leaving at whatever time with our without them. And do it. If they are the only one going to school, then you indicate the leaving time and say if they are not ready, you are not taking them and stay home. We just want our kids to be compliant. I know I personally struggle with my kids listening but it really can come down to not approaching the situation correctly. These are all activities that we need to consider doing to get our kids listening to us.

Achieving Self Acceptance – Your Emotional Well-being Is at Stake – Dudes To Dads Podcast Ep 167 May 15, 2018

Show notes

Self-esteem is a popular word that is used in self-improvement. People strive to have self-esteem (feeling good about yourself). Having confidence in our own abilities or worth. The key is that we evaluate our worth. This is not a great concept to help people. Self-acceptance on the other hand allows you to be aware of both strengths and weaknesses. But allows you to accept all of them. It allowing your to not have to wish you were different than you actually are. So how can we increase our self-acceptance: 1) Practice gratitude - This forces you to focus on the positive things in your life. Be grateful for what you have. you then begin to ignore the negative. 2) Celebrate your strengths - Think about the things you are good at and focus on them. Do not spend time on the things you are not good at. 3) Help others - Being unselfish can help you feel good. When we help others, there is actually chemical reactions that happens in the body. We can also feel better about ourselves when we help other people. Sometimes it just feels good to help others. 4) Don't Take Things Personally - It's not all about you. When people are critical, they are the one with the issue. When someone is mean, they are the one with the anger problem. It's not your issue. 5) Lower Your Expectations - Are your expectations too high? The answer is yes if you are not accepting yourself. It's ok to have goals but when your expectations are too high, you will never meet them. If you require yourself to meet your own expectations in order to be happy, it's a losing proposition. 6) Surround yourself with positive people - You should take inventory of those around you. If the people around you are not supportive or are negative, consider not being around them or reduce how much time you do spend with them.

Unconditional Love vs Conditional Love – Dudes To Dads Podcast Ep 166 May 09, 2018

Show notes

I wanted to discuss the topic of love. Specifically the differences of unconditional love versus conditional love and how important it is for our kids. Unconditional love means you love someone regardless of what they do. This can mean what they do for you, how they act, etc Conditional love typically means we require someone to be a certain way or do certain things in order for us to love them. However there are still circumstances I recall (and I'm sure tons of kids do) where you feel like you need to make a specific choice or your parents will get mad, or even worse, you feel like they won't love you. I recall the conversation many many times in which my parents made the statement, "we will love you regardless of anything". This may have applied to a situation in which I was in trouble, not wanting to tell the truth , or just something had happened. Children need to feel that your love is unconditional! Often time we mix up love with approval: Here are some things to never (or very rarely do): 1) Withhold affection because they didn't do something right 2) Let their accomplishments effect your mood. When they win you are happy and when they lose you are sad/mad. 3) Expect them to be a way they are not. For example if your child is not good at sports and you are getting really frustrated and upset that they are not good at it, that's conditional love. Here are a few ways to do it: Say it clearly and repeatedly - let them know that no matter what, you will love them. If they fail a test, it has nothing to do with your love. If they lose a game in sports, it doesn't effect your love. Even when they lie, it doesn't effect how you love them. Focus on the positive - If your child is bossy, you can say "You really like to take charge of the situation. This is going to help you be a good leader." You will then need to teach them about cooperation and working with others. Listen & Notice them - Be sure to let them see and feel that you are listening. Be empathetic. Also regularly point out things about them that you love: inside and out. Accept their Faults & Mistakes - In the last episode we talked about what to do when they make a mistake. This is crucial. You are not punishing them, you are trying to teach them how to do things correctly and take care of themselves. Be sure to forgive them when they do make mistakes. They need to know your love is not conditioned based on them behaving correctly.

How to React When Kids Make Mistakes – Dudes To Dads Ep 165 May 02, 2018

Show notes

Our job as parents is to teach. I have talked about looking at yourself as a coach in your child's life. How we react and respond to them begins to shape their behavior. It will also shape the relationship we build with them. Let's start with a discussion about how we typically react to something unpleasant when dealing with adults. Alan, as an example. I don't know whether you share a checking account or not, but if you did and your girlfriend spend what you both would consider a lot of money on an outfit...what would your reaction be? I can tell you what mine used to be: "YOUR KIDDING! HOW COULD YOU SPEND THAT MUCH. WE CAN'T AFFORD IT." or another example: Your wife says: "I was at the store and this guy asked me out." I would have probably responded with "you told him you were married, right? What were you doing that he thought it was ok to do that?" If you don't want to know these things, then certainly you can say that. But if you wanted to keep communication lines with your wife open and you don't want lies or things being done behind your back, how you react is important. This is how children learn to lie. They quickly figure out that if they tell the truth, they get in trouble. So they think they are avoiding getting in trouble by lying. So let's go over a few situations that could happen with kids and how I would suggest to react to it. 1) Lying - Whether you catch your child in the lie or they come clean, both of them offer the opportunity to teach. In our house for example we have always said: "If you tell the truth, you won't get in trouble," Although my children quickly learned in our house we really don't do punishment (as we also don't do rewards). If your child comes clean from a lie, the best way to respond is to say "Thank you for telling me. I really appreciate it. How do you think you could have handled that differently? If there is a natural consequence from the lie, then ok. But there really isn't a good reason to punish them. They will only learn to be better liers. It's not going to keep them from lying next time. 2) Bad Grades - Another common scenario is a child coming home with grades that you are not happy with. The normal response is they either get grounded for bad grades or parents try to reward their kids for good grades. I am against this. The grades are for them not you. If your child is not doing well in school, (talking about younger children), they either have learning challenges or they need to be parented differently. You may need to spend more time with them, talk to their teacher, and figure out what is going on. As they get older, the theme that "it is for them" needs to be re-inforced. Offer help instead of punishment. 3) Got in trouble at school. Sometimes you have to let natural consequences happen. They get detention or some other punishment from school. But punishing them at home as well isn't going to help. You want to first understand why it's happening and then provide support on how it can be fixed or avoided the next time. 4) Drinking or smoking. Here is a scenario: your 16 or 17 year old child comes to you and says, "Dad I was at a party last night and I tried alcohol". Most dads fly off the handle and explain how this doesn't happen in their house and how they are underaged, etc. Usually followed by some yelling. The best way to handle this is to first say, "I really appreciate you coming to me and trusting me". Then it's an honest discussion about first them knowing you don't agree with it or approve it, but they make their own decisions." Something to the effect of, "my job as a parent is to help you learn how to make decisions for yourself. You are going to be faced with some really difficult challenges. People are going to be offering you drinks, drugs, and other things. You then have to make the decision for yourself and your health. If you are ever in a scenario you want to get out of, feel unsafe,

Signs You Are Judgmental and What To Do About It – Dudes To Dads Podcast Ep 164 Apr 24, 2018

Show notes

We have so many areas of our life when being judgmental can show up. It happens inside families, at work, with your friends, or even strangers on the street. For many, the opportunity to judge is abundant. But why do we do it and how do we know if we are judgmental? There are some good things related to the why. It may help keep us safe, avoid bad situations. Others say we usually judge others in the areas we feel the weakest. Think about it: "Look at that overweight person" - translation is that I don't feel great about my own appearance but it makes me feel better to make fun of someone else who looks worse than me" "Look at that snob in his fancy car" - translation - I am upset I can't afford that nice of a car" "That guy can't control his kids" - Translation - I'm not confident in my own parenting but it makes me feel better to see someone struggling more than me" How do we know if we are judgmental? If you have to ask, you probably are. Are you judgmental? See if any of these seem familiar 1) You are intolerant of people different from yourself 2) Your first impression is seeing someone's flaws 3) You judge people on appearance 4) You think everyone is out to get you 5) You do not trust others 6) You gossip about others 7) You have low self-acceptance 8) You judge yourself 9) You have a pessimistic or negative outlook Let's discuss how not to be judgmental: 1) Identify and admit you are judgmental. Recognize that you often think negatively of people, maybe even verbalizing it. Also, are you being judgmental and critical of yourself. Acknowledging it is the first step. 2) Practice self-acceptance - Being judgmental starts from within. Is is very clear that we have our own issues which cause us to then be critical of other people. This is the most important step in recovering from judgmentalism. We often have such high expectations of ourselves. It is not easy, but the first thing is to begin embracing who you are. It's ok to want to get "better" but it doesn't mean you can't appreciate your current state. The next episode we will dedicate to becoming more self-accepting 3) Look deeper - We jump to conclusions about people all the time. Someone shows up late and you judge them. Someone is mean and you judge them. What if something much deeper is going on with them. The person who showed up late, had received a phone call and was crying before they arrived. They didn't want anyone to see their tears. The person who was mean has someone who is mean to them all the time. We jump to conclusions all the time without really understanding what could be going on with someone. 4) Show empathy - Putting yourself in someone else's shoes allows us to show compassion. Being judgmental is really being selfish and thinking it's all about you. When you are empathetic, you are sending the messages that you care and it's not about you. 5) Practice mindfulness - Meditation, breathing exercises, are all about paying attention to the present moment. When you feel yourself about to judge, take in the surroundings. Focus on other things around you that are positive. Switch your focus and think good thoughts instead. We are all guilty of being judgmental. It is something that can be worked on to be improved. Of course remember, that it first starts with working on yourself.

Anger Management for Kids – Dudes To Dads Podcast Ep 163 Apr 17, 2018

Show notes

As kids develop their emotions develop as well. You may experience this yourself as a parent or have seen other kids......hitting their parents, being disrespectful. I recall as a kid getting really angry a lot. I don't remember why other than it was something to use in order to get people to leave me alone....either my sisters to stop teasing me and something else. I think it's important to help kids deal with anger. Given the tools when they are young can hopefully help them as they get older and avoid problems in their later years. First we need to identify anger issues in kids: - Trouble calming down - Isn't considerate of other people's feelings - Consistently needs reminders about controlling temper - Being aggressive towards others So what are some ways we can help our kids manage their anger: 1) Monkey See, Monkey do - Take some inventory of yourself. Do you yell too much, get angry more than you need to. are you providing a good example on how to deal with anger? You can't rightfully teach it if you are not practicing it yourself. 2) Talk about feelings - Emotional intelligence and learning about what the different emotions are is crucial. Teach your child all about the different emotions. I want to be very clear. It is totally acceptable to feel emotion, in fact it is encouraged. We want our kids to feel emotions. We just want them to be able to manage them. 3) Teach Coping Skills - Twist a towel - Use a punching bag or pillow - Create a control spot - Self-talk - Use breathing techniques 4) Establish anger rules - Do this when they are not angry...no slamming doors, no physically touching someone else, no throwing things, etc. 5) Minimize talking - They aren't going to be taking in information very well when they are angry. Use few if any words. If you do speak, be very calm and neutral. When we yell back it doesn't help the situation. 6) Use empathy - Say words such as "You are really mad, I understand". "I know you are really upset. I love you. 7) Makeup - They need to apologize to whoever they got angry towards. If their behavior is bad, they need to know their behavior may have been bad but they are not a bad person. We just need to learn to manage the anger better. 8) Get Professional help - If things don't seem to be getting better, seek a professional. There could be other things going on that you are either not aware of or could be some of the cause of it. I know we never want to believe we are causing something negative like that but it can happen.

6 Life Lessons I Learned As a Father – Dudes To Dads Podcast Ep 162 Apr 10, 2018

Show notes

The problem is that most of that advice doesn't really help you deal with the serious stuff you face as a new dad. I am going over 6 very valuable lessons that I learned as a new dad. I'm hoping these help you along your journey. #1. It's not all about me - So reality kicks in and you are forced to realize that another human being is dependent on you.....and if you are in relationship, that dependency gets compounded. The decisions and choices you make, now effect other people. I learned it can actually be enjoyable to focus on helping other people. #2. Enjoy the present - I remember thinking: I can't wait until she can talk or it will be so much fun when he and I can play catch. Sure it's ok to think about the future, but try to live in the moment as it relates to your child. You don't realize how fast it goes by until you live through it and have the chance to look back. Don't miss the opportunities to be present. #3. Focus on the positive - You are going to be faced with some seriously rough times. These may be difficult times with the child, your spouse, or even within yourself. Think about the things your child is doing well. Think about the elements of your relationship that work. and think about the elements within yourself that are positive. Here's a hint: express gratitude whenever you can. #4. Nothing is forever - As I just mentioned, you are going to be faced with difficult times. The good news: they don't last forever. This too shall pass. Remembering this can help get you through difficult times. It can also help you be more present, as the positive things don't last forever either. #5. They watch every thing you do - If you want them to be nice, YOU better be nice. From the great things you do, all the way down to the bad habits you have, the little one is watching. If you need a reason to keep yourself in check, having a child can do it. Monkey see, monkey do. #6. Empathy solves many problems - If you have watched some of my other videos, you've probably heard me talk about empathy before. Learn to put yourself in their shoes. Truly look at the world from a 3 year old's perspective. Heck, you may even open up to look at things from your wife's perspective. Having empathy is life changing....both for you and those around you.

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