Dad University Podcast

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Helping Your Elderly Parents – Dudes To Dads Ep 190 Oct 23, 2018

Show notes

One of the things I think we don't prepare for very well (at least in America), is our aging parents and how we deal with that. Kind of like parenting, you aren't given an instruction manual but even worse, it's not really talked about. Dealing with aging parents can be difficult. Whether it's physical, financial, or emotional issues, we just aren't prepared for these changes. So in this episode, I thought we would cover some of the things that you may experience as your parents get older. I think it's important to have some awareness that you may face some of these issues. My hope is that you will realize you are not alone and they are actually quite common. Then we'll get into some things you can do to make the situation less difficult for you and them. Let's first go over some things you might experience as your parents are aging: #1 - You may feel angry or scared - It's not easy to deal with seeing them physically change, roles changing, and dealing with the different relationship dynamic. They may not be able to do the same things as they used to and and we can sometimes get upset at that. #2 - There could be financial stress - Depending if they have done their own financial planning, insurance, or long term care, you may want to seek the advice of a professional here. There are experts who specialize in helping older people with finances. You want to make sure it's not going to be a financial burden on you as they age. #3 - They may be in denial - They may not want to admit that they need help or that they are getting older. It's often hard to admit you can't do things you once did. #4 - Understand they are just going to forget things - Even if they aren't diagnosed with dementia or a disease, our memories are effected by age. You may find yourself repeating things over and over. Try your best to be patient with them. #5 - You may feel guilty- This usually has to do with two things (how much time you spend and how you treat them). If you live far away this may especially ring true. You might feel guilty for not spending enough time with them. You may also get upset or frustrated with them for some reason and then will feel guilty about that. But here's the thing, if you feel guilty, you probably are. So what can you do to make the situation a little less difficult on yourself and them? Here are some tips: #1 - Takes things slow - You must have patience and know that things are going to take you a lot longer than you planned. They may move pretty slow or talk pretty slow. You need to be considerate of that. #2 - Have a plan - Do they have medical directives? Has any estate planning or wills been done? It's best to do these earlier rather than later. It may be uncomfortable to talk about these things but it's going to save a lot of hassle. #3 - Be empathetic that change is hard - Whether they need to downsize where they live or go into a home or senior center, change is not easy. Instead of trying to convince them that the new place is so much better and fun, be empathetic to them that you understand it is a difficult transition. #4 - Ask for help - Don't try to do everything yourself. Call on family members, friends, and even caregivers to assist when they can. If someone needs to be hired or they need more permanent assistance and financially that is an option, it could be worth considering. #5 - Help them Be Social - Include them in social activities. Whether it's for one of your child's events or just going to hangout. Let them know you would like for them to be present and assist them in participating. #6 - Focus on the present - Try to focus on the moments that you have and enjoy the time you are able to spend with them. Don't spend your time worrying about what is going to happen. While it's easier said than done, you want to focus on the present moment

Distracted Parenting is Hurting Your Child – Dudes To Dads Ep 189 Oct 17, 2018

Show notes

Here are some examples that you might identify with: 1) You are at the playground and instead of participating with your child (or let's say even watching your child), you are on your phone. Your child asks you to come on the monkey bars and you are on Facebook. 2) Your are eating dinner and you are responding to email instead of interacting with the people around you. 3) You are at your child's sporting event and instead of watching the game, you are shopping on Amazon. These 3 scenarios are examples of distracted parenting. Distracted parenting is the overuse of electronic devices, primarily phones, in the presence of your children. We often think that these types of situations don't matter, but they do. You will see a child look over at their parents, only to see that their face is buried in their phone. In previous days before phones this would have been reading a newspaper at the breakfast table or while your child is in the same room and wanting to play a game. Sure we don't have to be their entertainment 24/7, but they do deserve having us interact with them. We can't always be their entertainment as they need to learn to entertain themselves. We often justify the distraction because it's work or something we deem as "really important". The truth is that we make the decision that the screen interaction is more important than the interaction with the child or watching the child. We need to set the example for our kids in that the device is not a priority. It certainly is not more important than the relationship with your child. So if there are good opportunities to watch your child or even better participate, take them. So what are some ways you can stop being a distracted parent: 1) First and foremost you have to want to stop. If you don't want to, you can't go to the next item on the list. 2) Become aware of your use. Are you using it in place on interacting with your child? 3) Turn off notifications. If the phone doesn't beep or vibrate, you will be less inclined to pick it up. 4) Don't bring it. Leave it in the car so you can be present. 5) At night when you come home from work, put your phone in "phone jail". You can't get it from jail until your kids go to bed. 6) If you "have to use it" maybe setup boundaries with the child. For example, I need to make this call for 10 minutes and then will put my phone away. Be sure to do what you say as your child learns that your word means something. You don't have to be focused on your child 100% of the time, but showing your child how important they are goes a long way.

6 Reasons Why Being a Dad is Awesome – Dudes To Dads Ep 188 Oct 10, 2018

Show notes

If you are new dad or soon to be dad, you hear a lot about the challenges that come with fatherhood: "Oh man you are never going to get any sleep" or how about this one: "forget about going out with your friends anymore." and the ever so positive....."whoa kids are so expensive. You just wait." Well I'm here to tell you that being a dad is incredible. There are many reasons why the journey is awesome, but I have narrowed it down to my 6 favorites things about being a dad. There is enough negativity going on in this world, let's focus on some good stuff. Like fatherhood. There just is nothing else like it. I wanted to share with you 6 of the best things about being a dad. #1 - Your child thinks you're superhero – well maybe not literally but pretty darn close. The way they look up to you, it's an incredible feeling to have someone think you are that great. It's a little bit of pressure sometimes but an amazing nonetheless. #2 - Their hugs and kisses - When you come home from work and they run to see you and give you a big hug...there isn't much that can top that. Parents are typically initiating affection more often than the child, but when they do, it is really pure. #3 - The feeling you get when something you have been trying to teach them finally clicks - This can be from teaching them good manners and they actually say please and thank you on their own to them learning how to ride a bike and you letting go for the first time. These kind of moments are special and give you that warm and fuzzy feeling. #4 - It teaches you to focus on what really is important - Sure my sports car and business were really important when my first child was born but you begin to realize that nobody on their death bed ever says "I should have spent more time at the office". Learning to have multiple facets of your life in harmony became the goal for me. Things didn't necessarily get eliminated, it's just my priorities begin to shift when I became a dad. That's the choice I want to make. #5 - It teaches you to slow down. No matter how fast you want to go, when you are dealing with a baby or toddler, it is at their pace. You can't hurry the process. Just the other day, I saw a toddler outside the gym. He was maybe the age where he had only been walking for a short bit. There were flowers out front and he stopped to smell the flowers. His mom, who obviously had to get to a class, was in a hurry but saw he was really enjoying the flowers. She let him smell them for for a bit and then grabbed his hand to go in. But I will say she let him stand there a lot longer than I would have thought. #6 - It makes you want to be a better man - when you start realizing that another human really depends on you, you want to step up your game. You start thinking about things like your legacy and how you can positively impact those around you. As I said in the beginning, being a dad is incredible. It's also what you make of it. Be sure to enjoy the journey and know that your role as a father is so important. We are very grateful that you are part of Dad University.

Boys Will Be Boys is BS – Dudes To Dads Ep 187 Oct 03, 2018

Show notes

You may have hear the term before "Boys Will be Boys". When someone says this, what does this mean to you? It's a term used to express the view that mischievous or childish behavior is typical of boys or young men and should not cause surprise when it occurs. Today we are going to talk about why that phrase is total BS. There are numerous areas where the term Boys Will Be Boys could be applied: 2 young boys wrestling aggressively, a boy with an extremely messy room and lack of hygeine, or a teenage boy playing pranks on unsuspecting strangers. It's often about recklessness and rowdiness. When people say it, they are attempting to justify the reason why boys or young men act in these ways. But for today, I want to focus on the specific topic of male behavior towards women. There is a lot of attention on this topic right now: lawsuits, people going to jail, political wars, and more. It is crucial as a man and as a father, to teach your son how to treat other people in a positive way. [Lean in] If you don't have this one down yourself, you need to do some work. Let's look at a couple of scenarios: You are driving in the car with your 10 year old son and you are at a stop light. 3 young women walk across the street and you see your son staring with interest at them. You then make a comment about how they look. While you may think you didn't say anything inappropriate, you just taught your son that it is ok to judge a girl's appearance. If you want to think it, that's up to you, but don't say it. Here's another scenario: Your teenage son is hanging out upstairs in his room on a weekend night. You go into his room and say "why are you hanging out here. Why don't you go out and get yourself some." This totally objectifies women as if they are something to conquer for yourself. Teenage boys have raging hormones but maybe a talk about how to strike up a conversation with someone would be more valuable. What your hearing in these examples is that we can say things to our sons without really thinking of the impact it can have on their perception and ultimately the treatment, of women. You are also going to experience situations in which your son will say or do something that is not ok. It's important you point out that what they say or did is not ok and discuss how they could have handled it better. You letting it go is saying that it is acceptable. Even when they are young and before any sex talk, you should be having ongoing dialogue about appropriate behavior, communicating properly with others, and even sexual harassment. Of course there are going to be large variances in what people feel is appropriate. But if we start our sons off right from a young age, we can drastically reduce the negative impact we are seeing in society from these situations.

Stop Over Posting Your Kids on Social Media? No More Sharenting! Dudes To Dads Ep 186 Sep 26, 2018

Show notes

I'm not really a controversial guy, but boy do people have strong feelings about this one. It is true that moms have a tendency to post much more about their kids than dads do, but dads are guilty as well. The topic for today's episode is sharenting The topic of sharenting has become pretty serious. There are some issues that come along with sharenting. Let's look at some of these issues: 1) Legal issues - an 18 year old girl is suing her parents for posting a baby picture she didn't like. She didn't consent to it being posted. There could be all kinds of legal issues in the future with parents not getting the consent of their children before posting. 2) Body Image Issues - Starting kids off young with the idea that likes and views matter is not good. Social media will judge anything, even a young child's appearance. 3) Digital Narcissism - The posting of accomplishments or something great your kid did actually makes you think you are great. This isn't good for you or them. Your self worth should not come from the accomplishments of your child. 4) Security Issues - Children's identities are being stolen or their safety is at greater risk because their identity is known. People think "That would never happen to my child". I only post pictures of whatever". The reality is that it is happening more and more. So how do we navigate this as parents? What is ok to post and what is not? Parents are now making money off of content of their kids. It has become a business in itself with content creators having their children as a big part of their content. Personally, I think the negatives drastically outweigh the positives when it comes to posting content about kids. If you are going to post, maybe you considering asking yourself some questions before doing it: 1) Did I get the consent of my child to post? If they are too young to make that decision, then you'll need to ask some additional questions to yourself. 2) Why am I posting? Am I doing this to feel better about myself? Because most of the time, there is zero value to the child for you posting. 3) Will my child ever be upset or embarrassed of the post? Are you talking about something negative they did or how much they frustrated you? Think about how they may feel. 4) Do you want this to be part of your children's digital archive? Posts are digital tattoos. They are permanent. You need to be mindful of how the content could affect their life in any way in the future. We all think our children are the cutest, smartest, most talented people in the world. We want people like, share, and provide positive comments about what we post. Unfortunately it really only does something for you and not the child. Let's agree to stop sharenting.

Pushing Yourself Beyond Limits – Interview with Ultramarathon Runner Dad Alex Nemet – Dudes To Dads Ep 185 Sep 18, 2018

Show notes

In this episode we talk with Alex Nemet, an ultramarathon runner who has learned to push himself beyond his limits. Here are some of his stats: - He has been doing these races for over 15 years - He is approaching 50 - 100 mile + races - He has climbed the highest peaks on 5 of the 7 continents - One of his races included 352 miles across the arctic - pulling a 60 pound sled, not by dogs, he was the dog - At the time of this interview, he is in the middle of going after the triple crown of 200 mile races - he's done 2 of 3 in the span 4 weeks. Here are some of the questions Alex answers: When did you do your first race? How ling was it? How did you decide to build up the amount? What was the reason you did your first race? How do you become mentally strong to overcome your own limiting beliefs. How did your first race go? In addition to races you have also gone on expeditions? What have those been like? How did you prepare? Food, your body, clothing, What do you feel like right before a race? How many people start vs how many people finish? What about sleep or lack of it? How much do you sleep during the race? What does it feel like during the race? You talked about hallucinations. What brings that on? What about night time? You run in the middle of the night? How do you do that with no or little instruction on where to go? Is this fun for you? What do you think is the driving force behind your desire to do this? As a dad, what do your kids think of it? Are they simply like "ok dad, we'll see you in a few days?"

Stop Being Needy and You Will Get What You Need – Dudes To Dads Ep 184 Sep 11, 2018

Show notes

I think stereotypically in the beginning of relationships, women are typically considered more needy than men. However I think there is a shift for married men and especially when the kids come into the picture.....we become more needy. Our expectations may increase this can manifest with various needs: We need everything to be clean We need more attention from our wife We need our kids to listen to us We need our free time We need more sex We need this, we need that Let me make a disclaimer, if you are not complaining or thinking you need anything, then you are on the right track and this episode isn't for you. But if you have thought things you need in your life, you might want to listen. What we need to do is to reduce our need to need and instead look at the reality of need versus want. A need is something you can't live without: food, water, clothing, shelter....maybe then there are some things you would categorize as needs because you really feel like you couldn't live without them: music, exercise, etc. But many of the things we state as needs are really called wants. Let's review the list and substitute with want: I want everything to be clean I want more attention from our wife I want my kids to listen to me I want free time I want more sex You get the idea Wanting more of something isn't necessarily bad, but when you are requiring the action or participation of another person, you are more than likely going to fail at getting what you want by complaining about it. Let's take cleaning as an example. If you really want things to be clean and your spouse just isn't doing as good of a job as you feel they should, you have 3 options: - Clean it yourself - Hire someone to clean it - Lower your expectations Requiring your wife to clean more isn't going to work (in the long run). These kind of expectations build up resentment. You can end up in multiple parts of your life driving yourself crazy and those around you because of the "needs" you have. You have to realize that these are usually wants. Break each "want" down and understand what are the options for you to solve this need (which is actually a want) When you start removing the expectations of others and realize that your needs and wants are your own responsibility, it's amazing how others around you will respond. You'll get what you need.

Horrible Parenting Styles – The Helicopter, The Lawnmower, The Tiger, & More – Dudes To Dads Ep 183 Sep 04, 2018

Show notes

In this episode we are going over some bad parenting styles and their effects on kids. 1) Helicopter Parents - First used in 1969 in the book Parents & Teenagers by Dr. Haim Ginott's. Teens said their parents would hover over them like a helicopter; This is when parents are over focused on their kids. It's really over parenting. They are driven by fear, whether they think something bad will happen to their kid or they will feel embarassed themsevles. The parent might make sure they get a certain teacher at the school, getting over involved in their homework, and even directing their social activity. This may be ok for really small children but as they get older, it' doesn't work. But being faced with challenges and failing is necessary for growing and building resiliency. Sure we don't like to see our kids struggle but we have to prepare them for the real world. The consequences of helicopter parenting: Low self esteem - Everything is handled for them so they don't believe they can do anything themselves Anxiety - mental control is not developed as well as their self-regulation They feel entitled - They think they are the center of the universe Coping skills are not developed - They don't know how to handle situations because it was handled for them 2) Lawnmower Parents - They mow obstacles down in front of their kids so they don't experience them. It's so they don't need to face failure, adversity, or struggles. While their intentions might be good, the practicality of it is really bad. Most of the time lawnmower parents act the way they do because of their own issues in their life. They may have really struggled when they were young and don't want their child to struggle. or they felt abandoned by their parents when they really needed them. In any case they are wanting to help their child but it really doesn't help, in fact it ruins them. They simply won't know what to do or how to handle struggles in their life. So what are the consequences of lawnmover parenting: Don't know how to handle conflict - They havne't experienced it so that muscle wasn't developed They blame other people - It couldn't be their fault, nothing ever is. They don't take responsibility for their own issues Give up on things easily - It's too hard, so it's just better not to do it. Call on others (like their parents) to help them. Someone else will handle it so Stress and failure are really strong cryptonite to people who have been parented this way. They may find other ways of dealing with these kind of problems, like addiction. This can also be called Bulldoze parenting, Snowplough Parenting. Basically anything that can push the obstacles out of the child's way. 3) Tiger Parenting - This term was coined by Amy Chua in a 2011 memoir. It was originally a Chinese-American concept known for being strict and demanding. They parallelled it with strict households throughout parts of Asia. They put their children's academics and careers before anything else. Their child's only option is to succeed. This is very similar to a stage mother in Hollywood who forces her child to act or perform. Some of the consequences: depression anxiety poor social skills focus on the negative The parents may think of success differently than the child but the child's opinion doesn't really matter. They are accomplishing things for their parents. It makes the parent feel good without recognition of how the child might feel. I would imagine the relationships of these parents/child isn't very admirable as they get older. 4) Honorable mention The Outsourcer - get other people to parent your kids, like caretakers and nannys Underparents - slackers or free range, they just too lazy to do anything Narcissistic Parenting - Just feeding their own ego and driven by their own needs Toxic Parenting - This covers any type that is negative but basically means neglect, abuse both physical and emotional.

Does Grounding Your Kid Work? – Dudes to Dads Ep 182 Aug 28, 2018

Show notes

In episode 105 we talked about how punishing your kids doesn't work. We discussed why people punish their kids and then provided some tips on what to do. One of the things I wanted to expand on was talking about specific scenarios that happen with your kids and how we can handle them. Parents often solve the problem with grounding their child. Grounding is probably one of the biggest parenting traps because we think that it works but the reality is that it doesn't. Let's look at even a more crazy situation: prison. Did you know that around 77% of prisoners who are released, get arrested again. Certainly there are other factors but we certainly have to look at the fact that prison is not "fixing" people so they won't do bad things anymore. Punishment doesn't work. Just like prison, grounding doesn't work. When I was growing up, I noticed i was disciplined differently than many of my friends. I would knock on my friends door and find out they were grounded. They were confined to their room or something like that and on "house arrest". They weren't able to play, use the phone, etc. My parents took a different approach. When I did something wrong, my parents (especially my mom) would explain what I did wrong and we would figure out ways to fix the issue and talk about it. I do recall when I was probably about 10 years old, my mom got really upset at something I did and told me to go to my room and that I was grounded. She then came back about 15-20 minutes later and said "forget what I said, grounding you is stupid" or something like that. But they way it was handled for me, allowed me to learn right from wrong and make the decisions that were good for me. This is not giving myself credit, this is giving my parents credit. So I want discuss some scenarios where your child might do something wrong and normally a parent my ground them. I'd like to discuss how it could be handled without grounding....and so that your child learns something: 1) What if your kid got in trouble at school for making out with their boyfriend/girlfriend behind the bleechers? //If you ground them, they are just going to sneak around 2) What do you do if your kid hit another kid and got in trouble at school and went to the principals's office? Your child wasn't defending themself. They got angry and hit them. //Grounding them doesn't relate to the problem. I would talk to my child about how hitting is not ok. It is not the way to solve problems. I would require my child to apologize to the other child as well as do something nice for them and have them come up with a solution. r 3) Your kid steals something from the store. Doesn't get caught from the store but you find it in their room? //Grounding just makes them be better at avoiding getting caught. It's a common thing with young kids as they learn about ownership. They may not really even understand money. You make them take it back to the store and apologize to the manager or store owner. You also discuss how stealing is not ok, and they can ultimately go to jail. 4) Your child talked back to the teacher and got detention. //detention is the punishment. Ask what they can do to make it up to the teacher. Of course they need to apologize, but possibly right them a letter, or offer to help the teacher in class. Discuss being respectful and how if you want to be respected, you have to provide respect. How it's not fair to other students for you to disrupt. In all of these scenarios, punishment doesn't really teach about what is right. The child just learn how to better avoid punishment. Many argue they will just do it again because there isn't consequences. Many of them do have consequences: detention for school, and/or jail if its outside school. Jail is not a place you want to be. We are all trying to raise ethical and moral children. Punishing them just isn't the best way to get them there.

Social Anxiety and How to Overcome It – Dudes To Dads Ep 181 Aug 21, 2018

Show notes

I have heard this topic come up more and more lately. I know a few people that suffer from this. I have seen some discussions in the Dad Facebook groups about it. And then I recently saw a brief clip of Henry Rollins on the Joe Rogan podcast in which after Henry got done saying all of these things about himself, Joe says, well it sounds like you have social anxiety. On a tangent, if you know of Henry Rollins, it's a really interesting interview. He has no friends (or very few, no family, no wife, etc and prefers to be alone. He gets on stage and has no problem performing in front of thousands of people but doesn't want to be "with" people...only performing, it's much easier. Social anxiety is a disorder, it's social phobia. And some say it is the most common mental disorder. In other words, a lot of people have it and have to deal with it. It's not just being a little uncomfortable, it's being really uncomfortable. Here are a few common situations that can trigger it: Speaking in public Making eye contact Public Restrooms Eating in front of others Dating Talking to People Some people might have difficulty with one issue or many. I have been lucky that for my entire life, I have been pretty outgoing. However I can see how this could be extremely difficult. So I started learning about it a little more and wanted to offer some help if there is anyone in our audience that suffers from this. There seems to be a few common fears with people who suffer from this: Worried about offending someone Concerned about being humiliated or embarrassed Being judged by others It may show itself similar to a panick attack: Stomach issues or running to the bathroom Out of breath Dizziness Tightening of muscles Rapid heartbeat They say it can start as early as 13. Often history of being teased, bullied, or even abuse. Shy kids are more likely to have it but also controlling or overbearing parents. The end result can be Low self esteen Depression Negative thoughts Poor social skills Very sensitive to criticism So here are some ways you can begin to deal with social anxiety: 1) Tell others - It might be hard but open up to your family or close friends about it. This will help get rid of or reduce any shame associated with it. 2) Meditation or Breathing Exercises - Both of these can help you relax in situations as your heartrate increases or your muscles get more tense. It becomes a cycle that you will need to break 3) Think of Worse Case Scenarios - My mom taught me this one. When I was nervous about something, she would ask, "What is the worst thing that can happen". For a speech it might be "I forget my words and look stupid". She would then say something like "that is why you have it written down in front of you". There is usually a way to hedge the situation. I'm scared to go to the party. What is the worst thing? I won't know anyone and will feel stupid. As you can see, a lot of these have the same theme. 4) Change Your Focus - Instead of focusing on yourself, focus on the other person, or the location, or something else that is going on. People in these situations are so focused on how they appear or are acting. 5) Feel the fear and do it anyway - Facing your feels can be incredibly difficult, but it can also build your confidence. Start with baby steps and you may begin to realize that you can overcome it. The anxiety doesn't have to control you, you can control it. 6) Accept Yourself - This sounds easy and I understand it can be hard....but stop trying to be perfect. Nobody is. Accepting yourself is so crucial in overcoming this. I hope those of you listening that deal with this have gotten something out of it. We would love to hear from you.

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