Show notes
Tools For Transitions Beyond Narcissism - Yes, Reality Changes
Kathryn Mitchem is a Mind-Body Transition Expert and Coach. She works one on one, in groups, and through a variety of online programs such as Divorce 9-1-1 and The Worry Detox with people facing harsh transitions such as divorce, career change, health challenges and other midlife messes. She supports her clients as they learn to navigate through the complicated emotions and ongoing worry that arises with unexpected change and crisis.
Kathryn teaches lifestyle tools including Yoga and Meditation for immediate use in ten minutes or less to help to cope with the extreme stress and uncertainty that these changes bring.
Her tools provide a renewed ability to see more clearly what the next step is in each process and to move forward with a sense of improved internal trust and self-reliance. We invited her for this interview to share her easily available street options for improved next steps.
Her Specialty: Recovery From Life Downstream From A Terminal Narcissist
She coaches women on successfully breaking ties with a Narcissist. The most deceptive challenge with narcissistic entitlement is their passivity, their nuance of seductive vulnerability whilst planning to use your good will to advance their own interests. Another point often overlooked, is their fascination with scalability, big numbers. They chase their scalable dragons and eat you for dinner while they smile over your eviscerated heart. Big numbers are their real partner, not you. Success is the identity they chase, and they always forget who helped them when they arrive.
They hint that they will take you with them, but all the apparent signs of thoughtful connectedness only become part of their self-serving game.
*Photo by Ian Froome on Unsplash
Ed. Note: Own Yourself
Remember that your pain, your unhappiness, is a gratification to their reductionistic, self-serving and internally starving brain. Your obvious vulnerability makes them more secure. They make it look like nothing is happening as their next work is to take your entire identity and refocus your goals on their own comfort, money, success, public image.
Also, remember that the reason you stay is quite simple: you think you can help them. Up close their vulnerability is palpable to you, and your fix-it drive strives to save the day - until you look up because your head was severed off and is rolling down the road. Then you wake up.
Pain becomes your most effective teacher.
When the student is ready the lesson appears.
~ Charles Parker - Deep Recovery
Further, remember that narcissism is not gender-specific. It doesn't just live in the minds of men and husbands, it can also arise downstream from women friends - and a wife.
Kathryn Breaks It Down
Mitchem just made an appearance on Fox News San Antonio’s Daytime at Nine program, where she outlined the 5 crucial steps to moving on from a narcissistic ex - http://foxsanantonio.com/daytime-at-9/divorcing-a-narcissist
Step 1 Learn the Characteristics of a Narcissistic – The Demystification Process.
Classic narcissists lack empathy. They are unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. They do not consider or care about, the pain they inflict on others.
They have a grandiose sense of self and believe they can choose to act outside of legal boundaries and/or commitments.
They are also masters of projection and dishonesty. They project their own subconscious negative self-judgments onto their targets.
Read and become familiar with more characteristics of narcissistic behavior so that you'll be prepared for other challenges that may come your way.
Step 2 Never Believe Their Criticism of You, and Most Importantly, Take Time to Heal.
While you are in the healing process, create a pocket of space in the world that the narcissist in your life cannot access or touch, so that you can get stronger. Whether it includes working with a therapist, life coach, support group, yoga or self-improvement course; sequester the people, place, and atmosphere where you are working on your healing, away from the narcissist.
Step 3 Accept That You Will Never Change His View of You or Gain His Approval. Once you are out of his life you have no value in his eyes; you become the enemy because you have threatened his fragile sense of self. This means he will lash out, belittle you and react with rage. Be prepared. Continue to work on loving yourself again, or maybe for the first time in your life. Act to affirm your new beliefs about yourself to reinforce these new positive beliefs. For example, if through your healing process you discover a hidden talent or interest, begin pursuing it; don’t wait.
Step 4 In Co-Parenting, Work on Strengthening YOUR Relationship with Your Children. Don’t Worry About His. Children are smart and often know the difference between authentic connection and love, and manipulation. Work on creating safe and trusting bonds with your children so they have at least one reliable parent who is putting their needs first. Lead by example in modeling positive, constructive expressions of love.
Step 5 Set Firm Boundaries (Including Legal Boundaries) and Limit Engagement. A narcissistic ex may threaten to “destroy” you when you start to stand up for what you and your children need to move forward. They may threaten to take your kids away, or never give you a penny in child support or alimony. Unfortunately, this extreme rhetoric is textbook for the narcissist.
- Don’t be afraid to utilize the law to enforce what has been agreed upon or for your personal safety. It is made to protect you and your children so that you can successfully move on with your life.
- Do NOT reply to or engage with threatening emails or phone calls. Remain informed about your legal rights and lean on your support system.
- If panic begins to take hold, work with a professional counselor, life coach or therapist to practice breathing, meditation, talk therapy and other mindfulness techniques.
- These practices will pull you out of “panic mode” and help you disengage from your ex’s distorted belief system so you do not adopt it as your own.
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Kathryn Mitchem is available to expand upon the above points and to comment on related topics and issues. She can offer specific insights from her practice and her experience.
Kathryn Connections and Book
Her website - https://www.kathrynmitchem.com/
Her Divorce 911 program - https://www.kathrynmitchem.com/divorce
Her Life Coaching Methods - https://www.kathrynmitchem.com/about/
Thinking Fast and Slow - Kahneman - Global Amazon Link - Recommended beyond black and white, beyond reptilian responses.
Additional CBJ Guests On Transitions, Relationships, Narcissism
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http://corebrainjournal.com/208
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Thanks
Thanks, Kathryn, for joining us here at CBJ to review these useful insights to tune up self-management practices in or out of troubled relationships with confusing communications and feelings.
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Our Next CoreBrain Journal Episode
209 Judy Tsafrir MD is a board certified, conventionally trained adult and child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, a Harvard Medical School faculty member, with a private practice of holistic adult and child psychiatry located in Newton, Massachusetts. She maintains a deep curiosity about development and healing, and with an open mind uses diverse approaches to help patients.
She is familiar with a traditional medical/psychiatric diagnostic and treatment paradigm and is now much more drawn to the functional medicine model. She addresses the root causes of illness, rather than simply suppressing symptoms with pharmaceuticals.
She is also skilled in the use of energetic/spiritual methodologies, and is trained in a variety of energetic approaches including Kundalini Yoga, Reiki, Astrology, the Tarot, and Shamanism, and includes these modalities when there is interest.
You will much enjoy her spirited and straightforward assessment of the current evolution of psychiatric practice.
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