Absolutely Not

Latest Episodes:

No Passport, No Problem Jun 15, 2022

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather has had a fully mental breakdown from the complete shitshow that has been her wedding prep. She has finally turned into one of THOSE brides and is about to hoard the wedding gifts and tell everyone to fuck off. Honestly- she's probably spending too much time in her sauna bag and its quickly kiling off her brain cells- but who is even paying attention anymore. She hit the Absolutely Not line- She's unglued, unhinged and unwell!

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Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Garage Triage Jun 08, 2022

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather hits the hotline- only to double down on the fact that women might be the REAL scammers. We've got a lady running an ER out of her garage, A time traveler, a handful of bad drivers and a sweet woman named Abby prepping for a colonoscopy- All that and more!

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Match with your dedicated therapist today at talkspace.com, and use promo code absolutely during sign-up to get $100 off your first month.

Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months at ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY.

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Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

"SAUVY B SUNRISE" Jun 01, 2022

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back from her final farewell tour performance. Just when she thought it was time to get an IV drip of propofol for her medically induced coma, her friends throw her a surprise party filled with drag queens, secrets and snacks! Heather breaks down what a wild week its been and also hits the Absolutely Not Line and more!

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Follow Ashland on Instagram @ashlandhardseltzer

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Go to grove.com/ABSOLUTELY today to get a free gift set worth up to fifty dollars with your first order.

Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

FULLY BOOKED May 25, 2022

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely not podcast, Heather is letting you know, School is out for summer and bitch we are fully booked! It doesn't matter if you are hustlin' as a lifeguard, taking the kids to camp or treating yourself to a hoagie by the highway, Summer 2023 bout to be on and poppin!

Visit Brooklinen.com and use Promo code [absolutelynot] for $20 off your purchase of $100

Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely

Athletic Greens is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at AthleticGreens.com/absolutely

Follow Ashland on Instagram @ashlandhardseltzer

Right now, for a limited time, you can save $10 on your first purchase when you go to StoryWorth.com/absolutely

Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Core Memory May 20, 2022

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather takes you down memory lane and drives you right into the "Core MeMories" of your childhood- from the sheer joy you'd feel on a field trip day, to the sadness you felt if your mom was late to chaperone- It's a whirlwind of emotion and its all flooding back after hitting the Absolutely Not Line.

Check out squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

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Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today.

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Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Sorry You're Detained! May 11, 2022

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back south of the border from her weekend of shows in Toronto. After getting held up at the border, listening to a threesome all night and crushing an international Nordstrom- she lives to tell about it- We also have a surprise appearance from Robin McMahan to spill the tea on the latest suburbian drama!

Get 5% off + a free Pique sampler pack (with 6 of their best-selling flavors) when you purchase 2+ cartons with code ABSOLUTELY at piquelife.com/absolutely

Athletic Greens is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at athleticgreens.com/absolutely

Ashland is gluten free, malt free, zero carbs, sugar free, no fat, and 100 calories. For more follow them on instagram at @ashlandhardseltzer

To grab your two pills a day, head to moonjuice.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 20% off.

Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

No Reservations May 04, 2022

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast - Heather is back in the LA studios fresh from a midwest weekend on tour. She's working, but apparently not enough to save her from being humbled in a burger joint by general manager who takes his job REAL serious.

Head to squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Match with your dedicated therapist today at talkspace.com, and use promo code absolutely during sign-up to get $100 off your first month.

Get $20 off your fertility test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely.

Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months at ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY.

Get free shipping on all water and merch at LiquidDeath.com/ABSOLUTELY.

Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

"Trauma in the Drama" with guest Christina Tompkins Apr 27, 2022

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather is back from a 3-day bender on the West coast. She saw a mormon trying to escape in Salt Lake, a man with a neck tat cry in Phoenix and a drive-by in Sacramento. Three amazing shows but spilling all the tea, with Tina T.

Visit Brooklinen.com and use Promo code [absolutelynot] for $20 off your purchase of $100

Go to DRINKOLIPOP.com/ABSOLUTELY or use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 20% off plus free shipping.

Visit athleticgreens.com/absolutely for a free one year supply and five free travel packs with your first purchase.

Use code HEATHER at checkout for 25% off your first month or diagnostic test at allarahealth.com

Go to Grove.com/ABSOLUTELY today to get a free gift set worth up to fifty dollars with your first order.

Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Deflection Beauty Apr 20, 2022

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is celebrating the Rising of the lord, with some street safety tips and life advice. She is so full of knowledge and shit at the same time it's alarming. She hits the Absolutely-NOT-Line to solve some of y'alls problems and realizes you all need a lot more than Jesus.

Check out Squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Get a FREE 1 year s pply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at AthleticGreens.com/absolutely.

Go to Framebridge.com and use promo code ABSOLUTELY to save an additional 15% off your first order.

Use code HEATHER at checkout for 25% off your first month or diagnostic test at AllaraHealth.com/heather

Upgrade your bra today and get 20% off your first order today at ThirdLove.com/absolutely

Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

"MASTER SCAMMERS" with Raymond Padilla Apr 13, 2022

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather has on her man of honor, Raymond Padilla, and they give you a play by play of how they scammed their way into the Masters this weekend. There were a lot of chicken salad sandwiches and white wine to be had, but most importantly they learned about themselves.

Get 5% off + a free Pique sampler pack (with 6 of their best-selling flavors) when you purchase 2+ cartons at PiqueLife.com/absolutely with code ABSOLUTELY.

Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today.

Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely.

Go to ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the page, and type in ABSOLUTELY to get a 60-day free trial.

Visit Seed.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code [ABSOLUTELY] to redeem 20% off your first month of Seed’s Daily Synbiotic.

Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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