Absolutely Not

Latest Episodes:

Lobster Zaddy Mar 15, 2023

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather is fresh off her shows in New England and ready to buy a house next to the Bush family on the beach. She felt the cool crisp seabreeze across her tits and its reinvigorated her to take on turning 36 with gusto! She makes a list of all of the things she still wants to do before 40 and it turns out its just two things. She also hits the hotline and answers your questions like "do you want my grandma" and "why did a woman in florida try and break into my hotel". Its Heather's birthday episode and she is just getting the party started!

Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.

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Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

White House Riff Raff Mar 09, 2023

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back from serving her country by performing comedy for drunk white women. Not only did she get to visit the white house, but bamboozled her way into the hearts of the national press and will never have to worry about unflattering TMZ photos ever again. She also hits the hotline and tries to make sense of why women can't open marinara jars and how do we stop our elderly mothers from getting swindled by ex-cons. That and more!

Head to squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

As a listener of this podcast, you'll get $100 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com/ABSOLUTELY

Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today.

Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely

Angie's Boomchickapop brings you a boom of bold, craveable flavor. Try for yourself by visiting www.boomchickapop.com

Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

She.E.O. with Raymond Padilla Mar 03, 2023

Show notes

On this bonus episode of the Absolutely Not podcast- Heather is back in the studio with friend of the pod, Raymond Padilla, to talk what they're giving up for lent, Ray getting high on THC drinks and channel their inner Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. Then they hit the Instagram DMs for some listener Q&A.

Episode Sponsor:

Angie’s BOOMCHICKAPOP popcorn brings you a BOOM of bold, craveable flavorthat you can enjoy at any time, on any occasion. You can try Angie’s BOOMCHICKAPOP for yourself by visiting www.boomchickapop.com

Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Insanity Mode Mar 01, 2023

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast - Heather is fresh from the Philly show where she may or may not have gotten in trouble for being a little too honest with the sports takes a little too soon. She got cookies hand-delivered to the stage by one of her favorite chefs, and later it almost got sticky for everyone at the Ritz-Carlton Club. Heather also hits the Absolutely Not line to discuss Uber drivers doing too much, when to die with the lie, and doubling down on some get back for one of last week’s callers.

Episode Sponsors:

Grab your Liquid I.V. in bulk nationwide at Costco or you can get 20% off when you go to LIQUIDIV.com and use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout.

Athletic Greens is giving you a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 free travel packs with your first purchase at athleticgreens.com/ABSOLUTELY.

Take your FREE in-depth hair consultation and get 15% off your first order today at Prose.com/absolutely.

Go to HelloFresh.com/absolutely65 and use code absolutely65 for 65% off plus free shipping.

Try Angie's BOOMCHICKAPOP for yourself by visiting www.boomchickapop.com

Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

LAST OF THE LITTER BABY Feb 22, 2023

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not podcast- Heather introduces her new little nugget Macaroni to the world with a real attitude. Heather is coming in hot because she already knows some woman named Willow is gonna bitch that she didn't rescue- but the defense will rest that she freaking TRIED! Heather also hits the Absolutely Not line to answer questions like- "what to do if you get a pube stuck in your throat?" to "why did my boyfriend break up with me after he found out I have an incurable disease?" Were solving the world's problems one voicemail at a time!

Head to squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFER CODE:ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Starface is offering all Absolutely Not listeners free shipping on your first Micro-Cloud order. Just enter the promo code Absolutely at checkout at starface.world

Don’t sleep on savings. Brooklinen’s President’s Day Sale is happening now. Listening after the sale? Get the deals of your dreams at Brooklinen.com with promo code absolutelynot

You can grow thicker, healthier hair AND support the show by going to Nutrafol.com and entering the promo code ABSOLUTELY to save fifteen dollars off your first month’s subscription

Athletic Greens is giving you a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 free travel packs with your first purchase at AthleticGreens.com/absolutely

Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Security Breach Feb 15, 2023

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather is back from a weekend sling jokes in the midwest! She saw a woman smoke a blunt while buying Zyrtec, ate some pasta in Ohio, and had a lovely gal sneak into her dressing room in indiana! I FOUND YOU!!! If the midwest doesn't keep you on your toes, well then hell, nothing will! She hits the Absolutely Not line to learn about the beef between Iowa and Indiana and has a moment of self reflection.

For a limited time, Starface is offering all Absolutely Not listeners free shipping on your first Micro-Cloud order. Just enter the promo code Absolutely at Starface.world

Athletic Greens is giving you a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D and 5 free travel packs with your first purchase at AthleticGreens.com/absolutely

Right now, Modern Fertility is offering my listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely

For listeners of the show, Dipsea is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/absolutely

Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today.

Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

"Year of the Rabbit" with Christina Tompkins Feb 08, 2023

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather is sitting down with business gal and bff, Christina Tompkins- also know as TINA! They are reporting live from the turks and caicos on a very important Business trip, or at least that's what the accountant told them to say it was. They cover everything from vacation enemies, Robin's cough, what to look for in a man and a primary care physician. They solve to world one problem at a time, why? Because it's the year of the Rabbit!

Head to squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today

As a listener of this podcast, you’ll get $100 off of your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com/ABSOLUTELY

Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Pink Tree Problems Feb 01, 2023

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast - Heather is home from a wild weekend of shows in Augusta and Charleston. A woman tried to sit in Jeff's lap, she found a scammer at a hotel valet in Augusta and her to-do list is too long but she's keeping the attitude fresh.... until she fights with a crazy woman who is calls into the hotline to justify keeping her christmas tree up all year. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

For a limited time, Starface is offering all Absolutely Not listeners free shipping on your first Micro-Cloud order. Just enter the promo code Absolutely at checkout at Starface.world

For listeners of the show, Dips is offering an extended 30-day free trail when you go to DipseaStories.com/absolutely

Grab your Liquid I.V.in bulk nationwide at Costco, or you can get 20% off when you go to LiquidIV.com and use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout

Go to HelloFresh.com/absolutely21 and use code absolutely21 for 21 free meals plus free shipping

Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Red Delicious Jan 25, 2023

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back from Texas with cedar fever and some new boots. She is taking a quick breath before she is back on the road again this weekend to listen to your insane voicemails. One girl is starting a business and another is hooking up with a Bouncer who threw her out. It's a wild ride and we're leaving no stone unturned.

For a limited time, Starface is offering all Absolutely Not listeners freeshipping on your first Micro-Cloud order. Just enter the promo code Absolutely at checkout at Starface.world

Athletic Greens is giving you a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 free travel packs with your first purchase at athleticgreens.com/ABSOLUTELY

You can grow thicker, healthier hair AND support the show by going to Nutrafol.com and entering the promo code ABSOLUTELY to save fifteen dollars off your first month’s subscription

It’s the time to treat yourself this New Year. Go to printfresh.com/ABSOLUTELYNOT or use code ABSOLUTELYNOT for 15% off your first order

Right now, Modern Fertility is offering my listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely

Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It's About the Journey Jan 18, 2023

Show notes

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is reporting live, from Austin,Texas! She narrowly made it to her hotel after riding in a maroon escalade with a drug dealer named Charlie, but is staying positive and looking at the brighter side of life. She got into a soft encounter with a woman doused in Aussie mouse and a man making 10 million dollar deals on the tarmac. She also hits the Absolutely NOT line to discuss y'all's bullshit too.

Check out squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

For a limited time, Brooklinen is offering 15% off comforters. Listening after the sale? Visit Brooklinen.com today and use code absolutelynot for $20 off plus free shipping.

Visit www.californiaprunes.org for recipes, and be sure to look for California prunes at your favorite supermarket or specialty shop.

Take your FREE in-depth hair consultation and get 15% off your first order today at Prose.com/absolutely.

Produced by Dear Media

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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