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What Fresh Hell: Parenting, Relationships, and Making Life Better, with Two Funny Moms

When you’re a parent, every day brings a “fresh hell” to deal with. In other words, there’s always something. Think of us as your funny mom friends who are here to remind you: you’re not alone, and it won’t always be this hard.
We’re Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables, both busy moms of three kids, but with completely different parenting styles. Margaret is a laid-back to the max; Amy never met a spreadsheet or an organizational system she didn’t like.
In each episode of “What Fresh Hell” we offer lots of laughs, but also practical advice, parenting strategies, and tips to empower you in your role as a mom. We explore self-help techniques, as well as ways to prioritize your own needs, combat stress, and despite the invisible workload we all deal with, find joy amidst the chaos of motherhood.
If you’ve ever wondered “why is my kid…” then one of us has probably been there, and we’re here to tell you what we’ve learned along the way.
We unpack the behaviors and developmental stages of toddlers, tweens, and teenagers, providing insights into their actions and equipping you with effective parenting strategies.
We offer our best parenting tips and skills we’ve learned. We debate the techniques and studies that are everywhere for parents these days, and get to the bottom of what works best to raise happy, healthy, fairly well-behaved kids, while fostering a positive parent-child relationship.
If you’re the default parent in your household, whether you’re a busy mom juggling multiple pickups and dropoffs, or a first-time parent seeking guidance, this podcast is your trusted resource. Join our community of supportive mom friends laughing in the face of motherhood!
whatfreshhellpodcast.com

Copyright: Copyright © 2016-2023 What Fresh Hell, LLC

Latest Episodes:

When It's Okay To Be Emotional In Front of Our Kids Mar 03, 2021

Show notes

Is it okay for us to be emotional in front of our kids?

Julie, one of our podcast listeners, asked this question in our Facebook group:

Is it good for kiddos to see their moms have emotions? And how can we talk through our emotions with our kids? My grandmother lost her husband when my dad was 11 years old. She had four kids, no job.She had to take care of everything. Once I asked her how she coped with all of that, and she said she just held it together, always, except when she cried in the shower at night. At first, I thought, wow, how strong of her. Now that I have kids, I kind of wonder: is shower crying always good? Never good. Sometimes good?

Shower crying is definitely better than swallowing emotions entirely. And there are times when our emotions, and/or the situations causing them, are too unsettling for our kids to handle. Sometimes it's good for kids to see our emotions, but we shouldn't be asking kids to hold them for us.

But studies show that children whose mothers express emotions like sadness or loneliness in their presence are more emotionally literate as they grow. By serving as “emotional coaches” for our kids, and modeling how we process difficult moments in our own lives, we can raise kids more able to handle such moments themselves.

In this episode we discuss when it’s okay to be emotional in front of our kids, why suppressing our emotions entirely might not work as well as we think it does, and when shower cries are most certainly called for. Good news: we don't have to fear that showing our vulnerability is a bad thing.

Our listener Jennifer summed it up best: "I don’t hide the most intense parts of being human from the people I’m trying to help on their journey as humans.”

Here are links to some of the writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode:

John Lamble for The Conversation: Should you hide negative emotions from children?

Gottman Institute: Parental Meta-Emotion Philosophy and the Emotional Life of Families

Bonnie Le for Personality and Social Psychology: The Costs of Suppressing Negative Emotions and Amplifying Positive Emotions During Parental Caregiving

Judy Dunn and Jane Brown for Developmental Psychology: Family Talk About Feeling States and Children's Later Understanding Of Others' Emotions

Woody Harrelson explains how to handle unpleasant emotions on Cheers

"Turn it Off" from The Book of Mormon

Toilet-Training Toddler Declares, 'I Didn't Poop, I Peed!'

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Ask Margaret - How Should I Talk to My Child's Caregiver About Discipline? Mar 01, 2021

Show notes

Leaving our kids in the care of others is stressful and tends to bring out a strong need for control. But when it comes to working with a nanny or a day care provider, this may not be the best approach.

Rather than trying to control everything your nanny or caregiver does, try to be clear from the very beginning about your expectations about discipline and any other issues that are important to you. Prepare questions when you interview a caregiver that explore a range of scenarios that may come up.

Some examples:

When a child doesn't listen to your instructions, how would you respond?
Have you worked with children who you had to discipline repeatedly? How did you handle it?
What are your favorite kinds of meals to prepare? What foods do you think it's important for kids to eat?

Once you've employed your caregiver, revisit these conversations often. Strategize at the end of the day about behavior problems that are coming up and how to handle them. Another good idea is to write down your expectations and then prioritize them. For your family, wearing seatbelts and using sunscreen might be non-negotiables, but when it comes to eating healthy, there might be room for the occasional ice cream cone after a day at the park.

Being clear with your own expectations means you don't have to have the same conversations over and over– and allows your caregiver to feel more secure in his or her role with your child. A caregiver is not a computer that accepts "if/then" instructions. Being extremely clear on your absolutes and then allowing your caregiver to function with some degree of independence will lead to a happier relationship for everyone.

In this episode Margaret cites this article from Very Well Family: https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-get-your-nanny-on-board-with-your-discipline-1095068

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Extremely Achievable Family Traditions Feb 24, 2021

Show notes

What are some small traditions we can lean on right now to create more joy and meaning for our families? We’re talking LITTLE. Preferably free. Not exhausting. Super fun. Lifetime of memories created.

Our listener Lee inspired this topic in our Facebook group:

What about an episode about fun or special traditions for the rest of the year? When I was growing up, the “birthday person” always got breakfast in bed. I’ve brought the tradition to my own family as an adult, and it’s such a fun and special way to start the day. I’ve been trying to build more traditions for my young family (my kids are 3 and 6), especially during the pandemic, since we haven’t seen our extended family much, and a lot of our other markers are missing.

In this episode we discuss some of our (and our listeners’) favorite family traditions.

A few Rules of Traditions we discovered while recording this episode:

Giving the ordinary a special name, song, day of the week is part of what makes it a tradition. Pizza Friday! Porch Popsicle Time! It’s all in the branding.
Traditions are like leprechauns: if you go looking for one, you probably won’t find it, but you can tell when one has appeared. Keep your eyes and ears open for fun moments that can become traditions simply by repeating them.
Limitations are where the ingenuity– and the fun– comes in. What Rube Goldberg creation can be made exclusively with what’s in this junk drawer? What famous painting can we recreate using old bedsheets?

This moment we’re all in is tough. It’s also a crucible where family traditions might be formed. Even thinking about tradition-making has lifted our spirits– the idea that we can find “little fun” that might somehow become what will be remembered of this year we’ve all spent mostly at home.

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Ask Amy- Should I Be Worried About My Teen's Isolation? Feb 22, 2021

Show notes

When is a teen happily isolated– or at least content– and when is it something a parent should be concerned about, particularly during the pandemic?

This week's question comes from Kate in our Facebook group:

When should one worry about a teenager's lack of desire to be with friends? For my 15-year-old it’s always been an issue, but since we moved two years ago, he’s been even more in the “I don’t care” camp than before. Outside of soccer and school, he doesn’t ever see friends, and says he doesn’t want to. All this is only made worse by the pandemic.

Over the last year most of us have had more access to our kids' moment-to-moment existences than we had previously. That means we’re seeing more of things that might have always been there, and are therefore fine– and things that are new to us and actually should spark our concern.

Some introverted children really are more content right now. If an adolescent is not expressing signs of depression and anxiety, than a teenager in his room all the time might be a content hermit, even if that has not been his parent's pandemic experience.

Some sadness is fine too. Sadness makes sense right now. So how can a parent tell the difference between content self-isolation, some sadness about this tough moment, and depression?

NYU child psych Dr. Aleta Angelosante offers this checklist of what to watch for in a teenager's mood:

https://nyulangone.org/news/checking-your-teenagers-mood-during-covid-19-pandemic

In this episode, Amy discusses some of the behaviors to watch for, and how to address concerns you might have with your teen. Don't put off the conversation because it might go poorly; it very well may, but your loving concern will be heard.

I’m putting resources in the show notes- reach out to pediatrician- get a telehealth appointment with a professional if necessary, it can work a lot better than you’d think. one thing the pandemic has actually made easier.

Dr. Angelosante further suggests these resources for parents. If you have concerns, don't hesitate to reach out to your child's pediatrician, or to a mental health professional.

Anxiety and Depression Association of America: Watch, Ask and Listen: How to Tell if Your Child or Teen Is Anxious or Depressed
Society of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology: Effective Child Therapy
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services: Resources to Support Adolescent Mental Health

Send us your parenting questions- we might answer yours next! Email us- questions@whatfreshhellpodcast.com.

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Moms Are Not Okay Feb 17, 2021

Show notes

How we doing, moms? If you're anything like us, your domestic situation has blown past “getting old” to “seriously guys, we cannot do this anymore” to fetal-position numbness and beyond. And there’s nothing for dinner, and the 5th grader is failing math, and our boss just asked if that wasn’t “someone’s kid” he just heard on the background of our work Zoom call. (Why yes. Yes, it was.)

The New York Times recently released a series called “The Primal Scream” examining the pandemic’s effect on working moms in America. As we come up on the one-year anniversary of this crisis we thought would take a couple of weeks, let's face it: all moms are kind of falling apart. As Dekeda Brown, a mother of two profiled in the Times’ stories, explains:

“We are holding together with the same tape that we have been using since March.”

In this episode, we discuss how it’s going for us (not great) and offer a few solutions for making this Groundhog-Day time a tad more survivable.

Here are some of the articles we mention in this episode:

Jessica Bennett for NYT: Three American Mothers, On The Brink

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2021/02/04/parenting/covid-pandemic-mothers-primal-scream.html

Jessica Grose for NYT: America’s Mothers Are In Crisis

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/04/parenting/working-moms-mental-health-coronavirus.html

Laurel Elder: Parenthood and Politics in the Era of Covid-19

https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=3762600

Pooja Lakshmin for NYT: How Society Has Turned Its Back On Mothers

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/04/parenting/working-mom-burnout-coronavirus.html

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Ask Margaret - Do I Get a Say On Who My Kids' Friends Are? Feb 15, 2021

Show notes

This week's listener question comes from Kristen in our Facebook group:

How much input should I have on my kids' choice of friends?

This is a hard one. Ceding control over our kids' lives is anxiety-producing, and one of the first ways we need to practice letting go is when our kids choose friends that - let's say - wouldn't have been our first choice for them.

So that's the bad news.

The good news is that we do still have a role to play in this situation. Just as with our own kids, when we address the behavior of our kids' friends, rather than their character, we'll get better results. We can (and should!) verbalize things like "I don't like when I see [insert friend's name] using bad language." That message will be heard by our child with a lot less defensiveness than if we say "That [insert friend's name] is such a bad kid!"

Here are other things you can consider doing if you're worried about the kinds of friends your kid is choosing:

Keep your child involved in a range of activities, so they're exposed to a wider potential friend group.
Have gatherings at your house so you can get a better sense of your child's friendship dynamics and how they're playing out.
Help your child develop "prospecting" by talking about behavior and consequences frequently.
Implement concrete consequences for a friend's inappropriate behavior. If your child knows she'll lose her phone for the day if her friend sends her an inappropriate text, she might be more motivate to set her own boundaries on that friend's behavior (or that friendship).

Our kids' friends can sometimes seem to have an outsized amount of influence over our kids. Hence our concern as parents. But if we are consistent with our own expectations and discipline, we can help our children navigate a range of friendships successfully.

Hear more about this topic in our episode "Kid Friend Breakups":

https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/2018/05/kid-friend-breakups-episode-55/

And if you have a question for Margaret or Amy you can submit them to: questions@whatfreshhellpodcast.com.

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BEST OF: Anger Management for Kids Feb 12, 2021

Show notes

This week we're introducing a "From The Vault" series, reconsidering some of our favorite episodes of the past four years. Our kids still get angry (imagine that) so time to revisit this one.

The best way to handle our children’s anger is to equip them with the tools to handle it themselves. You don’t have to smother children's emotions in order to calm them down; as your kids get older, you really can't. But you don’t need to throw up your hands and accommodate their anger and everything that comes with it, either.

We talk at length in this episode about an excellent book for kids on this topic: “What To Do When Your Temper Flares: A Kid’s Guide To Overcoming Problems With Anger.”by Dawn Huebner. The book is aimed at grade-schoolers, but there’s much to learn in here for kids of all ages (and their parents)!

Whether your kid is 4 or 14, this episode will help you stand outside their storms and get your calm house back a little sooner.

If you’d like a transcript of this episode, you can find it here: https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/2021/02/angermanagementtranscript/

If you’d like to do a deep-dive on anger management for parents, check out our “Sometimes We Lose It” episode here.

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Setting Boundaries Feb 10, 2021

Show notes

It often becomes clear to us where our boundaries should have been set only after those lines have been crossed and left far behind. But whether it's with overbearing extended family members or partners who leave socks on the floor, how do we create effective boundaries? Especially after it's been established that we're not very good at it, and especially in a world that doesn't very much like women who aren't afraid to set them?

In this episode we discuss why boundaries should be set early and often– and not just in problematic relationships, either. Healthy boundaries with our spouses, partners, and co-workers are what make long-term relationships possible. And don't forget positive boundaries. Want to start setting aside more money each month? Having one date night a week, or one weekend morning when you get to sleep in? It starts with saying so.

Living in a pandemic has made it unavoidable: we all have to say out loud what feels safe for us and our families. We can seize that opportunity to practice the difficult conversations. Those on the other sides of those conversations are entitled to their reactions and opinions. But that doesn't necessarily mean that setting the boundary was wrong.

Here are links to some writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode:

Fatherly: 16 Tips For Creating Healthy Boundaries With Your Extended Family

Mark Manson: Boundaries

Elizabeth Earnshaw for Mind Body Green: A Therapist Explains 6 Things People Get Wrong About Setting Boundaries

Sarah Saweikis for Medium: Scared to Set Boundaries? How to Set Boundaries to Improve Your Relationships and Increase Peace of Mind

Brianna Wiest: The Honest Truth About Why Some People Can't Set Boundaries

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Ask Amy- Surviving The "Only Mommy" Phase Feb 08, 2021

Show notes

This week's listener question comes from Rosie in our Facebook group:

My little guy is in the “only want mommy” slash “must be touching mommy” phase. Any advice on how to not go insane and to still get things done with a 26-pound, 17-month old attached to my hip? Disclaimer: of course i give him all the snuggles, and I know it’s just a phase. But I’m going a little crazy.

Yes, the "only mommy" phase isn't forever– and it's not something you have to train out of your kid. But it can be overwhelming while you're in it. It's okay for you to take breaks, and it's okay for your toddler not to like it. But understanding where it's coming from might make getting through this stage a little easier.

Toddlers sticking close to their primary caregivers is a biological imperative: if the cave toddler lost his parent, he wouldn't eat. These days, the stakes are more akin to "might not have my cinnamon raisin toast buttered to my exact specifications," but routine and structure and control over the little things are what your toddler is focusing on right now as he figures out his world.

If you have a spouse or co-parent, lean in to that person doing some of your toddler's very preferred activities. That partner might also be feeling hurt if the toddler is rejecting them; support them in that disappointment and reassure them that it's temporary. And if there's any small part of you secretly happy to be so indispensable to your child, that’s only human. Just make sure you’re not leaning in to it too much.

Hear more about this topic in our episode "When Kids Prefer The Other Parent Over You (Or You Over Them)":

https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/2019/07/preferotherparent-ep115/

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Fresh Take: Dr. Harold Koplewicz on the Best Way To Support Our Kids Feb 05, 2021

Show notes

This week we're talking toDr. Harold Koplewicz, one of the nation's leading child and adolescent psychiatrists and the founding president of the Child Mind Institute, a national nonprofit dedicated to transforming the lives of children struggling with mental health and learning disorders.

Dr. Koplewicz is also the author of the new book THE SCAFFOLD EFFECT: Raising Resilient, Self-Reliant and Secure Kids in an Age of Anxiety, which guides parents through strategies for raising empowered, capable people.

In this episode, we discuss Dr. Koplewicz's suggestion that we create scaffolding around our children as they create their own lives. We're not the architects, we're not the builders– as parents, we're there to support the cantilevered balconies of our children's passions and interests, even if they're not at all what we imagined things would look like, or what we would build ourselves.

Miscalculations are part of the plan for our children to learn resiliency and self-reliance. Dr. Koplewicz suggests scaffolding as the best way to encourage kids to climb higher and try new things, in order that they can grow from those mistakes.

Find The Scaffold Effect in our Bookshop store:

https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9780593139349

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