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    Christianity

    The Refined Collective Podcast

    In The Refined Collective podcast, host and author of Sexless in the City, Kat Harris creates a safe space to have honest conversations around faith, sexuality, relationships, politics, identity, Christian culture, deconstruction, and more. *What does the Bible really say about sex? *How does our faith impact our politics? *Is Christianity at odds with science? *Is the Bible still relevant? From purity culture, to deconstruction, dating apps, and LGTBQ+ issues—there’s no topic that’s off the table. In this podcast Kat doesn’t pretend to be an expert, or to have all the answers about faith or Christianity. And though it’d be more convenient to have easy black-and-white answers, she invites you to discover God in the grey and unexpected spaces. Her hope is to look doubt in the face, be curious, seek God, and ask meaningful questions to address any ‘elephant in the room’ with openness, nuance and grace.


    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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    Latest Episodes:
    Don't Take it Personal: Kat's End of Year Tell-All Dec 11, 2019
    Show notes

    Hi, friends! Welcome back to The Refined Collective podcast—it is our final episode of the year! It’s a solo show so you bet there will be random singing and Beyoncé references! This week, I’m not asking the questions… YOU are. You guys sent in your questions over on Instagram and in this episode, I’m answering as many as I could fit into a single episode. You guys know how weird I feel about recording solo shows so please let me know your feedback and if you’d want to hear more of these types of episodes.

    1. How do you deal with unhealthy overthinking and constantly taking things personally?
    • It’s important to let your community into your overthinking.
    • When you find yourself taking something personally, think: “They have something coming up for them that has nothing to do with me.”
    1. How do I give space and patience towards my boyfriend who is struggling letting go completely from his past relationship?
    • There’s an important conversation to be had here about recognizing emotional availability and standing in your worth.
    1. I’d love practical language on entering a conversation with a friend of mine who is a Christian and is dating a someone who is not.
    • It’s important to check in with your own heart on what you afraid of happening in this situation.
    1. How long have you been a Christian?
    • I went to a summer camp at 16 because all of the popular kids were going— but even from the very first night, this inexplicable thing ignited in my heart.
    • This is not to say that there haven’t been hard moments—because there have.
    1. Highs and lows for 2019/What is your vision for 2020 and TRW?!
    • My year started really painfully, but it gave me perspective to focus on spending the rest of the year enjoying time with the people I love.
    • Biggest high of the year is very exciting: I signed with a publisher for my book!
    1. Best and worst date of 2019?
    • Best: We went to a café, went hiking, and had a picnic. He kept surprising me!
    • Worst: I liked a guy + thought we were on the same page until he went MIA.

    If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.


    From Wall Street to Career Coach: Shifting Roles and Shifting Mindsets Dec 05, 2019
    Show notes

    Jena Viviano is an ex-Wall Streeter turned career coach and entrepreneur who helps go-getter professionals articulate their personal branded career story to land their dream jobs. Stay tuned to hear us chat about Wall Street, faith journeys, shifting mindsets, eating disorders, and hear me drop Beyoncé’s name because of course! (Bonus: we have a quick chat about dating because Jena has an incredible boyfriend!)

    Wall Street

    · We chat about what happens when we achieve the thing we think is going to fulfill us… and turns out it doesn’t fulfill us at all.

    · “God, I don’t know if you are real, but if you are: get me out of here.”

    · During her time on Wall Street, she developed an eating disorder.

    · “Instead of trying to fix the things that are “wrong with me,” why don’t I just lean into the things that I’m really good at.”

    · Jena shares how she was able to make a career pivot.

    Integrating Faith at Work

    · “For a long time, I thought about my job being my provider, but really the reality is God is my provider. That mindset shift helped me take bigger risks from taking that side hustle to full hustle.”

    1. Stay silent vs. Bible beating—it doesn’t have to be one or the other. Hear how Jena balances sharing her faith at work.

    2. Are we using our gifts? Are we encouraging others to do the same?

    3. Pray and put action behind it.

    4. Take a redemptive lens to work.

    5. How does generosity play into your work?

    6. Instead of compartmentalizing, show up as a whole person.

    Battling an Eating Disorder

    · Jena sought counseling, health coaching, and rewired her thoughts.

    · The first step to healing was changing the environment she was in.

    · Bottom line: there is hope!

    Keep up with Jena at her website, podcast, Instagram, and LinkedIn. You can get her free devotional at www.jenaviviano.com/wordatwork.

    Single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

    XO, Kat

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.


    Creating Space for Grief Nov 20, 2019
    Show notes

    Today we are recording in Rockefeller Center a long way from my Brooklyn closet. I have my dear friend Carrie Gracey Lloyd on the podcast today! She has a podcast called “The Carrie On…” that you can check it out here. In this episode, we chat about grief, how to walk through it, how it can challenge your faith, and the importance of creating space for your grief.

    On Grief

    “I love redemption stories, but if we don’t look at the grief, we don’t know where the lord is going to show up.”

    · I have been walking through a lot of grief this year and Carrie’s podcast episodes on grief have helped me feel so seen and understood.

    · Carrie shares her experience with grief from losing family and friends from a young age.

    · We chat about the unhealthy ways we often cope with grief because it often feels our culture doesn’t allow us to grieve.

    Creating Space for Grief

    · She outlines her process of following a “grieving plan,” where she actually takes time out of her day to process, reflect, and work through her pain and grief.

    · “I’ve sometimes felt God weep with me.”

    · Just as children allow themselves to cry and feel, we need to allow ourselves to grieve.

    · Carrie describes the relief and release she felt after grieving.

    Grief and Faith

    · People tend to question their faith when they are grieving.

    · “I think it’s alright to ask those questions as long as we don’t stay there for too long because that therefore meant that our belief in God was based on circumstances.”

    The Other Side of Grief

    · We have to give ourselves permission to move forward.

    · “The heart holds onto grief until you actually process it.”

    · The process of healthy grieving will become quicker the more you go through it.

    Keep up with Carrie: at her website, her podcast, her book, her other book, and on Instagram.

    Single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

    XO, Kat

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.


    The Difference Between Diet Food and Real Food (And Why You Should Care) Nov 13, 2019
    Show notes

    Today, I have my sweet friend Sarah Adler on the podcast. She is a nutrition coach, healthy lifestyle expert, food blogger, and owner of Simply Real Health. I’ve been getting so many questions on Instagram about meal prep, cooking for one, and best things to have in your pantry. I know everyone is always stressing about how little time you have to cook or how expensive it is to prepare meals. I am totally not an expert on that stuff, so Sarah is here to share her knowledge! I learned so much from her and I can’t wait for you guys to hear her wisdom.

    Life Lessons Meet Food

    · “If you are intentional about it, it doesn’t have to be something that is stressful. Sometimes you just need a system. A little bit of structure can go a long way.”

    · What is Real food? Real food is food from the earth that has existed since the beginning of time. (Not Cheetos.)

    · You want to target the simplest version of food. Food with one ingredient or ingredients that a five-year-old can recognize.

    · “If you’re feeding and nourishing yourself well, that sets the foundation for being able to have a very productive and intentional life.”

    Personal Food Journey

    · Sarah always remembered loving going to the grocery store and being healthy.

    · “It became this thing I was so obsessed with. I would read fitness magazines for fun.”

    · Looking back, she recognizes that her obsession was what is now called “Orthorexia.”

    · She almost backed out of a trip to Italy because of fear of not having food options. She did go, and she remembers having an epiphany when she saw two women eating out.

    · “The food was just the thing that brought them together. They were so much more about connecting and being together.”

    · “Maybe there’s another way that’s not as obsessive. There’s another way to live that has more joy and celebration to it.”

    · From there, she learned to isolate the difference between diet food (marketed for fad diets and losing weight) and real food (natural and actually healthful).

    Assessing Your Food

    · The number one question to ask in regard to food: Is it real or not real?

    · “If it’s real, your body can digest it.” Our bodies are not meant to digest food you can’t pronounce or recognize.

    · “Are you being kind to your body?”

    · The next important thing is your mindset: Focus on serving your body, not punishing it.

    · There is a direct connection between what you eat and how you feel.

    Evaluating the “Sexy” Diet Trends

    · Keto, paleo, anything that cuts out an entire category of food is a red flag.

    · However, some people need more meat, some people can’t do dairy, etc.

    · “Everybody does better with real food, but everybody has different intricacies within that.”

    · Start with real food, then upgrade it to simplify and honor your body and what it needs. Find what works for you!

    · Pay attention to your body—quick fixes do not work.

    · Find what food you thrive with. It’s not one size fits all—that’s the problem with diets.

    · Trendy diets bring about mental and emotional confusion.

    On Gluten, Organic Food, and Seasonal Produce

    · It’s not that gluten is bad, it’s that it is overproduced and overconsumed. It comes down to quality and sourcing. The same goes for dairy.

    · Tune into your body—how do I feel after eating something?

    · If your body is okay with gluten, make sure you are getting the best quality of it.

    · Organic is expensive—but always invest in organic products that come from animals.

    · “If you’re ingesting antibiotics, even secondhand, that affects our own hormones too.”

    · Focus on seasonal produce—it’s usually the cheapest stuff on sale. Here are some graphics that will help you learn what is seasonal on Pinterest.

    · Learn basic techniques, like making a soup, and then everything else is interchangeable.

    Cooking for One

    1. Get a functional set of pantry staples (quinoa, cans of tomatoes, beans, bag of frozen veggies, grass-fed butter, organic chicken sausage, brown rice pasta)

    2. Buy versatile ingredients that can be used at least five different ways (kale, bell peppers, potatoes, sweet potatoes) and pair them with a pantry staple. They keep a long time and can be put in smoothies, soups, salads, etc.

    3. Make recipes that can be built upon when you have it for leftovers the next day.

    4. “You can do a lot with not very much hassle, stress, chopping, or ingredients.”

    5. For busy people (who like one pot meals): insta-pots are a game changer! It does require planning ahead, though.

    Head over to Simplyrealhealth.com to see her resources and courses! Sarah has a new book coming out on November 19th called Simply Real Eating. It’s her second cookbook (the first was Simply Real Health).

    “Your body deserves a little bit of love and attention.”

    Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.


    Discernment: What it is and Practical Tools to Use it Nov 06, 2019
    Show notes

    Mike Maeshiro calls himself a “Serial entrepreneur.” He runs several businesses. He travels and speaks on the gift of discernment and spiritual intelligence. He believes discernment is something people don’t talk about enough, so we chat about it in this episode. We also talk about entrepreneurship, and discerning when is the right time to make your side hustle your main hustle.

    What is Discernment?

    • He grew up in the church, was a “nice, agreeable Christian boy.” However, he was lying all the time—pretending he wasn’t aware of these spiritual atmospheres around him.
    • “I started opposing the disfunction in my relationships.”

    The Purpose of Discernment

    • Discernment exposes darkness in someone’s individual life or corporately.
    • It also provides accountability and sets a standard in community.
    • Discernment shows us the heart behind actions are more important than the actions themselves.
    • “My response is not going to be based on the action, it’s going to be based on where it is coming from in the spirit.”

    How to Step Into Discernment

    • Position yourself as a student with someone who has discernment.
    • Spend time with people who are wise and discerning. Ask them questions!
    • Be curious.
    • Read: Seeing the Supernatural by Jennifer Eivaz

    Entrepreneurship

    • He has always been a great employee and student but he feels unrest in those situations. He needs to be innovating.
    • When you say yes to wealth, you start having the eyes to see it.
    • He recalls the moment he realized his side hustles brought in enough money for him to quit his full time job.

    Side Hustle to Main Hustle

    • Financial intelligence is important in this sort of risk-taking.
    • “You are the most powerful asset you will ever have access to.”
    • “You will be in every season of your life. Invest in who you are.”
    • The number one thing to ask yourself to discern if you’re ready to go full-time into your side hustle: Can I bet on me?

    How Can We Make This Not Woo-Woo?

    • We constantly need to reimagine what success means to us.
    • Poverty was a high value in the early church. “God is not broke.”
    • “What you say yes to in your life is what you’re going to produce. It’s a byproduct of an ecosystem you have said yes to in your own being.”
    • We have to get rid of these false beliefs about God and us when it comes to lack and poverty and control.
    • “There’s more than enough! That’s the nature of the kingdom we are of.”

    Further Reading for Entrepreneurs

    • Rich Dad. Poor Dad. By Robert T. Kiyosaki
    • Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill
    • The Magic of Thinking Big by David J. Schwartz
    • Building A Story Brand by Donald Miller
    • The 10X Rule by Grant Cardone

    Head over to MikeMaeshiro.com to see his resources, coaching services, and all the things. He is also on Instagram at @mikemaeshiro and YouTube at Mike Maeshiro. He also has a podcast called Confessions of a Reformer about all the things.

    XO, Kat

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.


    Side Hustles, Career Pivots, And Learning to Listen To Your Audience Oct 23, 2019
    Show notes

    Do you ever think ‘When do I make the transition from my full-time job to my side hustle?’ ‘How do I choose a side hustle?’ or ‘How do I spend my time and money in a new business?’ and ‘How do I even make money in a new business?’ You are not alone. This week Stacy Tuschl, an expert in growing small businesses, is here to answer your questions! Y’all, she started her own company in her parents’ backyard when she was 18 and now it is a multi-million-dollar business. I always look to her for business advice and I can’t wait for you to hear her wisdom.

    How She Got Her Start: SUCCESS IS NEVER OVERNIGHT.

    · Stacy grew up in an entrepreneurial family.

    · “I feel like everybody else could probably see it, but I didn’t.”

    · She went to school fully planning on working for someone else after college, but she wound up teaching dancing and it grew from 17 students to 100 in a year.

    · Now she has two performing arts academies that gross over $1 million.

    · “It’s been 17 years of building that business, so please know that I did not start there.”

    · It took Stacy 5 years to bring in a single paycheck. There is NO such thing as overnight success.

    Making Money With Your Side Hustle

    · If you love what you’re doing in your business, the business will last.

    · “What would I do even if I never got paid for it?”

    · You can either spend time or spend money to make your business grow. Ex: spending time: doing the work yourself vs. spending money: outsourcing the work.

    When to Take The Leap

    · Get Practical: It’s just like quitting any job—are you ready for it financially?

    · Take some time to ask yourself: how much time you have to give, how much money you have to invest, who do you have depending on you?

    · Stacy’s advice is to just take action, because then you can start getting feedback which will help you mold the perfect business.

    Listening To Your Audience

    · You need to constantly be getting feedback from your audience because people are constantly changing and that means their needs are changing too.

    · At the end of every lesson, Stacy has a google form asking questions like ‘What did you get out of this?’ ‘Where did you struggle?’ and ‘What do you wish I would have taught?’

    · Don’t just ask the questions, LEARN from them! Give your clients what they are asking for.

    Career Pivots

    · You have to be your own individual in your business. Be who others aren’t so you can serve who others aren’t.

    · We all have blind spots in our businesses, and it takes courage to stop and reflect.

    · “Just because you don’t know what your next thing is doesn’t mean you’re not meant for it.”

    · Give yourself space to think and have an open mind for whatever is coming next for you.

    Keep up with Stacy on Instagram at @stacytuscl or visit her website at StacyTuschl.com. She now has a podcast called Foot Traffic Podcast and a signature program called Foot Traffic Formula, which you can access through her website.

    If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.

    Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.

    XO, Kat

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.


    You Were Born To Shine With Ashley LeMieux Oct 16, 2019
    Show notes

    I am so grateful to have Ashley LeMieux on the podcast this week. She is the founder and CEO of The Shine Project and she is currently launching her first book called “Born To Shine.” This week we are chatting about walking through grief, finding healing, holding onto hope, and how to shine in your darkest moments.

    Her Why

    • When Ashley was little, she was very shy so she would write out all of her feelings.
    • “If you asked me while I was young, I would always tell you that I wanted to be a writer who helped people heal their hearts.”
    • She let doubts and concerns of others let her stray from this path of writing while she was in college, but she decided to start a blog called The Shine Project.
    • That same blog has now grown into a product line and online community for women.
    • She acknowledges that fear can prevent us from pursuing our dreams and even just finding out what our dreams are in the first place.
    • “In our heart of hearts, if we just sit still enough, I think we all kind of already know what that thing is… we just bury it with layers to distract us so we don’t have to do it.”
    • We too often let our minds jump to all the things that can go wrong.

    Holding Onto Hope

    • One day, she and her husband were called and asked to parent a four and six-year old.
    • “At that moment, it felt like everything in our lives had led us to that point and to be able to say yes.”
    • Several years into their being a family of four, they were still finalizing the adoption process and there was an unexpected contested adoption.
    • While she was away, they found out that their children would be taken from them the next morning. She wasn’t able to see them and so she wrote letters from her hotel.
    • “Every day felt like I was carrying the weight of the world.”
    • In those moments, she saw that this painful experience was a trial of their faith. She knew that they would come out the other side.
    • “I didn’t know the depths of that pain existed.”

    Finding Healing

    • “My healing process will be for the rest of my life.”
    • She spent time with various therapists to help with the healing process and she felt the fog of grief begin to lift the tiniest bit after one year.
    • Her big turning moment was a moment in which she looked in the mirror for the first time in a while and she was lifeless. “It was like everything had been vacuumed out of me.”
    • In that moment, she realized she didn’t want to feel the same way looking in the mirror when she gets to be 80 years old.
    • “How can I live a fulfilled happy joyful life while still feeling pain? Because they have to co-exist. They have to.”
    • From there, she discovered the difference between suffering and pain. She could drop her suffering and hold on to joy.

    How To Shine In Your Darkest Moments

    • We don’t have to be afraid of the dark. “The light within us is brighter than any of the darkness that surround us.”
    • How can what’s burying me start serving me? When she was buried in pain, loss, and heartbreak, she decided to rise above it.
    • Give yourself permission. To dream, to find joy, to be excellent, to shine! “We don’t give ourselves permission to shine and we dim our own light. There’s already so much out there that’s trying to work against us and the last thing we need is to work against ourselves.”
    • Show up to the biggest fights of your life with love. It’s easy to get in fight mode or be in the “me against the world” mentality. Anger depletes us, but love can’t be taken away. “Once we start giving it, there’s just so much more to receive of it.”
    • Ignite the light in others. Focusing outside of yourself and serving others brings purpose to our pain. Our pain allows us to understand people differently.

    If You Are Walking Through Grief Right Now

    • “Your story is not yet over. No matter how dark it gets around you. No matter how dim and bleak and painful everything feels, you were born to shine.”
    • “Sometimes, the best view we have of the stars is when we’re knocked flat out on our backs in the darkest night.”

    You can find Ashley at @ashleyklemieux and go to theshineproject.com/tour to order her book! There, you can also see her book tour and see what city she’ll be in near you.

    If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.

    Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

    Fab Fit Fun is a seasonal subscription box that has FULL-SIZED beauty, fitness, fashion, and lifestyle products and I am so obsessed, y’all. The contents always have a worth of about $200 the boxes only cost $49.99! A few of my favorites from this box: a travel yoga mat, Vitamin C serum, and a gold eye mask. Even better? You get to customize what goes into your box! If you’ve ever thought about trying it—now is the time! If you go to www.fabfitfun.com and use code TRW, you’ll get $10 off your first box!

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.


    Purity Culture, Painful Sex + Debunking Shame Narrative with Dr. Celeste Holbrook Oct 09, 2019
    Show notes

    Are you a single woman of faith trying to figure out how to navigate dating in today’s hookup culture and online dating? I get it… it can be confusing and frustrating. This week I brought a Christian sexologist on the podcast to help navigate these murky waters. Dr. Celeste Holbrook’s goal in life is to create safe spaces for women to talk about sex. My hope is that this will encourage you to get curious about your own sexuality.

    Growing Up In Purity Culture

    • Celeste grew up going to purity conferences and wearing a purity ring.
    • Her home was not shame-filled, but everyone around her was very conservative when it came to conversations about sex.

    The Moment They Were Waiting For

    • When they first had sex, it was extremely painful and not enjoyable for her.
    • “I thought I was going to be rewarded with great sex.”
    • This disconnect between Celeste and her husband began to erode their relationship.
    • “I felt a lot of shame for not living up to what I thought I should be sexually.”
    • She realized she never had good sex education. She decided to embark on a journey to unlearn shame, and to learn her body in a fresh way.

    Deconstructing Sex And Shame

    • “I went through that process so that I could enter into a sexual space and feel worthy of pleasure and sex that felt good.”
    • After experiencing breakthrough and pain-free sex, she made it her mission to help others in similar circumstances and pivoted from studying behavior to sexual behavior.
    • “Although it’s a natural biological thing, it doesn’t come naturally. You have to learn how to do it just like riding a bike.”
    • Madonna Whore Complex: “You’re shamed if you have too much sex and you’re shamed if you have no sex. There’s this pendulum that we can’t seem to step out of.”

    What Is Sexuality?

    • Sexuality is way more than just sex, desire, or physical intimacy. “Sexuality is far more than that bottom layer of what it looks like biologically.”

    What Is Sex?

    • A lot of single Christian women are wondering about physical boundaries in sex.
    • 75% of women don’t climax from vaginal sex—they climax from clitoral stimulation.
    • Freud told women that to have an orgasm through clitoral stimulation is to be infantile.
    • In 1998, neurologist Helen Connoll put the clitoris into the journal of sexual medicine.
    • “Limiting the term ‘sex’ to ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’ is marginalizing and produces shame.”
    • Pleasure gets confused with hedonism, but pleasure is acknowledged in Matthew 6:26.
    • “We can’t have the conversation about pleasure and spirituality without having a conversation about sensuality.”

    What is Sensuality?

    • “When we think about us as sensual beings, we are literally experiencing the creation and the creator through all five of our senses.”
    • Sensuality can be as simple as being in the moment. We can’t experience our senses in the past or future… only the present.
    • What does celibacy mean to you when sensuality and sexuality are closely related? You can embrace sensuality in these smaller ways before we have sex.

    Books To Read:

    • Sex Godby Rob Bell
    • Good Christian Sexby Bromleigh McCleneghan
    • Shamelessby Nadia Bolz-Weber
    • Come As You Areby Dr. Emily Nagoski

    If any parts of this conversation have felt triggering for you, just know that whatever you’re feeling is valid. There is no judgement. Validate your feelings and then question why those feelings are coming up for you. “Our God is one that encourages curious questions and sincere questioning.” Celeste has so many resources for you, including 20 sex-enhancing questions for freeon her website. She also offers free30-minute discovery calls. If you have questions about anything we talked about today, go to her website and click on “30 Minute Discovery Call.” She also has coursesfor one on one consulting if that feels right for you.

    If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.

    Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.

    XO,

    Kat

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.


    How To Live Authentically Without Prematurely Sharing Your Story Oct 02, 2019
    Show notes

    Hello, friends! Thanks so much for being here! Today, I’m talking to my dear friend Ashley Abercrombie who is a literal superwoman. She is a mother, wife, writer, speaker, and author of Rise of the Truth Teller. Ashley is so full of grace and our friendship has challenged me so much. In this episode, we chat about how you can live authentically without prematurely sharing your story, finding healing, and how you can handle confrontation and conflict.

    Ashley’s Story

    • Growing up, people always came to her for advice, but she never felt comfortable taking off that mask to say that she needed help and advice too.
    • When she got to college, she began abusing drugs and alcohol, and later struggled with bulimia and was also sexually assaulted, which resulted in pregnancy and abortion.
    • “I’ll stick this somewhere where nobody will ever find it. I’ll put this somewhere where I’ll never have to deal with it and I’ll just keep it moving.”
    • She remembers crying out for God when she felt most out of control and shares what it felt like when she felt His presence and love.
    • “We’re created for wholeness; we’re not created for perfection. We can find wholeness in the midst of our brokenness.”

    Sharing Your Story Publicly

    • It’s important to share your story, but it’s also important to protect your own healing first and foremost.
    • “In the context of safe and healthy relationships is where we need to be processing things.”
    • When we don’t have safe relationships to process with, we should be turning to therapists. Instead, the trend is to either keep it all in or share with the whole world.
    • “Sharing your story can be a way of masking.”
    • It’s vulnerable, but we need to learn to ask advice from our close community.

    Questions To Ask Yourself Weekly

    • Do you like the person you are becoming?
    • Is your heart for God shrinking or growing?
    • Have you compromised on your financial integrity?
    • Have you compromised on your sexual integrity?
    • Are you giving your family your emotional scraps?

    Accepting The Love You Think You Deserve

    • Ashley remembers a pastor saying, “Everyone does love their neighbor as they love themselves and that’s the problem.”
    • She shares that we need to set our sights on God because then it becomes easier for us to see ourselves and others in the light of who He is.
    • We can manage our expectations and still hold on to hope.
    • “There is no way for hope to survive when we’re lonely and isolated.” We need people to carry us through.

    Speaking Your Truth and Fighting Well

    • Ashley shares how we can have these truthful conversations as well as navigate conflict.
    • She first asks for grace and frames her concern as a question to the other person.
    • We’ve been trained to think that conflict shouldn’t happen or that there’s a way to resolve it without actually dealing with the issue.
    • “We have this mental struggle to understand that conflict is very normal. It should be a daily part of our life.”
    • Most importantly: you can resolve it. Healthy relationships can be maintained even when those involved are in a conflict that takes longer to resolve.
    • A good way to approach these conversations is to start with “I” because it helps prevent us from coming from a place of blame.

    Healing Your Past

    • “I had to recognize that this was going to be a process.”
    • She remembers sharing her story with a friend and feeling how just her presence there was helpful. She never tried to give her quick fixes—she was simply a presence.
    • “What does it look like for me to be honest in this space?”
    • She found places to serve, mentor, and journey with people.
    • She has found the courage to be honest on her journey. “When I’m tempted, I say so.”

    Isn’t Ashley amazing? You can buy her book anywhere books are sold! Follow her on Instagram at @ashabercrombie and visit her website ashabercrombie.org.

    If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.

    Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.

    XO,

    Kat

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.


    How to Plan for Marriage Not Just a Wedding Sep 25, 2019
    Show notes

    This week on the podcast, I’m chatting with Natasha Miller. She is a daughter of God, wife to Jamal Miller, and mother of Harvest Ann and Melodie Grace. She is also the co-founder of Miller Media Group, a company dedicated to raising up brands and publications that reflect God’s voice. She also founded Fearless Women Mentorship, where she helps women to recognize their inner beauty and warrior. This episode, we’re chatting about singleness, relationships, unexpected challenges of marriage, and how to plan for marriage and not the wedding day. You’ve heard her husband, Jamal, describe the way they met and fell in love on his episode of The Dudes Series, but now you get to hear her side of the same story!

    How They Met

    • They met on Facebook y’all!
    • After a few YEARS, Jamal got bold and told her that he was interested in her.
    • “He wasn’t a man who was living on an island by himself. He was a man who was committed and a man who was open to hearing other voices in his life. It brought me a lot of comfort knowing that I wasn’t a secret.”
    • Natasha was in SoCal and Jamal was in Chicago, so they started by having phone dates.
    • “From the moment I heard his voice, I knew he was a man who knew what he wanted.”
    • They spoke every day and met for the first time in Chicago at a conference. Jamal was her first relationship and kiss—now they are celebrating 6 years of marriage.
    • “This decision was not just for my present, but it was for my future. Right now, this is a gift that the Lord is giving me.”

    The Unexpected Challenges of Marriage

    • Once life really started to happen and they moved into an apartment and she didn’t have a job, she felt afraid. All these fears started coming up for her.
    • “I had this romantic idea of what a marriage should look like.”
    • One month in, she started feeling sadness and depression. She was constantly comparing herself to Jamal, who was thriving.
    • She was in the mentality that she needed to be who her husband needed her to be and who everyone around her needed her to be.
    • In conflict, they were repeating what their parents did. This continued 3.5 years into marriage after they had their kids. They hit a breaking point where their communication was not working.
    • “I didn’t know how to communicate what I was feeling because I was afraid of being rejected.”

    Finding The Breakthrough

    • Their breakthrough wasn’t overnight; healing in their marriage took time and years of leaning in.
    • Now, Natasha and Jamal are working on their business Married and Young, which they started one year into their marriage. “We want to make marriage popular. We want people to desire it again.”

    How to Invest Into Your Marriage

    • Invest in your personal development and heal from your past. You need to forgive yourself and address past pain and hurt. Don’t be afraid to dig deep.
    • “Before you can extend grace to others you have to learn how to extend it to yourself.”
    • Realize that when you are putting in the work that it is not just for you, it is for God. You need to have a bigger why.
    • “You can forgive and still love. You can be hurt and still grow.”
    • Truly take the time to know who you are. Discover your purpose.
    • “There’s a difference between communicating and being vulnerable.”
    • For the single ladies: you can practice this vulnerability with your family and friends because if you can’t practice it there, you won’t be able to practice it in marriage. Being able to practice it in your marriage will help sustain it during the difficult times.
    • “When you allow God to change you from the inside out, that’s when you’re able to truly love someone who is unlovable.”

    How incredible is Natasha?! I know y’all want to connect with her so follow her at @natashaannmiller and on Facebook at Natasha Ann Miller. If you’re interested in seeing Married and Young’s resources or joining their email list, head over to MarriedAndYoung.com.

    If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.

    Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.

    XO,

    Kat

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.


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