The Refined Collective Podcast

Latest Episodes:

How to Own Your Voice: A Conversation on Consent Mar 18, 2020

Show notes

TRIGGER WARNING: We share some stories of trauma we have experienced in the past. This may not be a good episode to listen to with kiddos around. Know that if you have experiences trauma, you are not alone!

Tiffany Bluhm is the author of She Dreams and Never Alone; she also hosts the podcast “Why Tho” with Ashley Abercrombie (who was also on the podcast— check out her episode here.) Today, we are chatting about consent, whether it’s in the boardroom or the bedroom. We talk about the more nuanced topics like what messages clothing sends and are non-verbal cues enough?

Power Dynamics + Consent

What is consent? Vocalized agreement for something to happen between both parties, whether it is harmful or not. Consent involves concern and care also.
There has historically been an abuse of power when it comes to consent.

4 Questions to Ask Yourself in an Uncomfortable Situation

Is this okay?
How can I be an active participant in this situation?
What do I do to prevent this from happening?
What is my role as a bystander, as a friend, to anyone else it’s happening to?

6 Ways to Own Your Voice

Know your response to trauma: fight, flight, or freeze.
Find ways to create boundaries with the person creating discomfort/trauma.
Let go of the fear of seeming disagreeable.
Don’t let the little things slide— those inches quickly turn into miles.
Reporting behavior is hard and scary, but it is worth it and we owe it to ourselves.
Document the situation in any way you can— even by taking a picture.

Resources

If you have more questions on these topics, visit org.
The EEOC is a good place to report behavior if you are uncomfortable going to HR.
Keep up with Tiffany at com and @tiffanybluhm.

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

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How Meditation Can Change Your Life Mar 11, 2020

Show notes

Do Christians meditate? What exactly is meditation and how do I practice it? What is mindfulness? And what about breath work? Today, Jackie Viramontez is going to share her answers to all of the above! We’re talking about practices you can implement into your life to help you heal from anxiety, trauma, and fear.

Starting Young

Jackie reflects on a major childhood trauma and loss that led her to develop anxiety as well as OCD.
From there, she began her journey with therapy, EMDR and meditation and healing.
“Our memories and thoughts are found all over our body.”

Meditation

Meditation is a way to interrupt the patterns in your life to center yourself.
Jackie shares when the best time to meditate is (you gotta listen to find out!).
“We are designed for our stories to change.”

Breath Work

Making your exhales just one second longer than your inhales will slow your heart rate and help so much. Bonus: rest your tongue on the floor of your mouth as you breathe.
Jackie talks about how pressure points can release tension as well.
“It’s very hard to be up in your head when you’re breathing like that.”

Resources

EFT for Christiansby Sherrie Rice Smith.
Lord , I Want to Know Youby Kay Arthur.
Check out @etcheddailyfor her resources in this area or Jackiviramontez.com.

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The Fertility Series: 10 Years of Infertility Led to This Moment Mar 04, 2020

Show notes

We are starting a new series on the podcast all about fertility! We are going to cover everything from IVF, to egg freezing, to adoption, miscarriage, and everything in between. We are first going to chat about IVF. My dear friend Faith Ramos shares her journey through 10 years of infertility before IVF gave her two children.

The Love Story

Faith met her husband Angel at college when they were both 18 years old.
After a few years of ‘not—not trying to have kids’, once they hit 30, they started to wondering what was going on..
She opens up about what it’s like getting questions about why they didn’t have kids yet.

IVF + An Answered Prayer

IVF involves putting the egg + sperm together in a petri dish to create an embryo.
The price for this runs between $20k and $30k— so it is not really accessible to many.
Faith + Angel struggled to find funds as new business owners (plus her mother was sick).
In true God fashion—the money came in an unlikely and unexpected way.

Getting Pregnant

“Early on, Angel and I knew that this was God’s story.”
She remembers shifting her mindset from “why me?” to a heart of gratitude.
“God is faithful, however that looks.”
Listen to the episode to hear Faith describe the moment she first met her son.
Feeling discouraged? “The journey just might be different than what it seems. God is able to do anything, but his will is different for everyone.”

Resources

Keep up with Faith on Instagram at @ourfamilyisart and @18thamendment_.

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What Happens When Your Identity Is Stripped From You? Feb 26, 2020

Show notes

NLP practitioner and certified nutritional consultant and coach to Olympic athletes and A-list celebrities Adam Cobb is on the podcast today. We started recording right in the middle of a vulnerable ‘clearing the air' moment between us personally. It just felt important to share some good ol’ conflict resolution with you. The crux of our chat was about ‘what happens when the thing we’re known for gets stripped from us.' Who do we become when our identity becomes rocked? Where do we turn to? How do we move through it?

Loss of Identity

Just a few hours before Adam was scheduled to give a talk on movement and mindset, he had a basketball accident and got an ACL tear and meniscus rupture.
As an adult having to live back home with his parents with little mobility was completely humbling.

Asking for Help

He opens up about his decision to go to therapy and why he resisted it in the past. Even then, it took him three sessions to surrender to the process and really show up.
He remembers a pivotal moment when he was standing with a bowl of chili in his hands because he couldn’t figure out how to bring it to the table while on crutches.

Healing Physically + Emotionally

“Real healing looks like asking for help.”
He shares how his lack of vulnerability created tension in his romantic relationships.
He was challenged by his peers to think “what does silence sound like right now?”
“I was operating in my head then; I am operating in my heart now.”

Resources

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young and Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg.
Seven Thousand Ways to Listen by Mark Nepo.
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.
Keep up with Adam at @coachadamcobb and coachadamcobb.com!

Struggling with online dating? Kait Warman of The Heart of Dating and I are hosting a live online workshop just for you on February 25, 2020. Grab your ticket here!

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The Sex Talk: When, How, + Why To Have It In Dating Feb 19, 2020

Show notes

Hi, friends! We’re having the sex talk on the podcast today!! Are you waiting for marriage to have sex? Not sure when to bring it up in dating? Or how? We’re going to chat about that today, because I watched The Bachelor on Monday and have quite a few thoughts on this! Peter is the Bachelor and it’s causing quite the commotion with Madison. We’re one week away from engagement and they still haven’t had ‘the talk.’

Why I was afraid to tell guys I wasn’t having sex until marriage:

Fear of rejection
I assumed if you were a Christian, you weren’t having sex—I also thought everyone wore purity rings too.
I was shut down to my sexuality + desire—if I can’t accept my own sexuality, how can I accept another, and how can I enter into an adult consensual relationship if I’m unwilling to talk about this stuff?
I didn’t know my why so I was afraid of bringing it up because I couldn’t really explain why except that’s what Christians do.

3 things to think before you have ‘the talk’

Know your why
1. The difference between: I’m not a smoker + I’m trying to quit.
2. Your decision has to be internally motivated
  1. What does sex mean to me?
  2. What is god’s heart for intimacy + sex?
  3. What is my heart for intimacy + sex?
  4. Why or why not is this a value for me?
3. QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

Assume nothing

Just because they share your faith does not mean you have the same physical boundaries.

No kissing until marriage to everything but penetration—including anal—to some people who love Jesus + choose to have pre-marital sex.

Zero shame

Rejection is protection!!

It may make my dating pool smaller, but it makes it stronger.

WHEN: By date 3…although NYC dating culture moves quickly…so it’s not odd if I bring it up on the 1st date.

3 Reasons to Have the Sex Talk Early on

Set yourself up for success

If you’re not having sex before marriage — this may help set-up physical boundaries in dating.

What didn’t work for me…getting naked on the first date.

Be kind

If I’m getting what I want—but if he thinks this is leading elsewhere it’s in a sense being dishonest.

Create a culture of honesty + communication

The only way a relationship can last + build trust is through communication.

As a couple you get to decide what boundaries will work for you—It’s an ongoing conversation.

A boundary might have worked in the past, but things may shift.

I HAVE AN EASY OUT: I talk about this stuff professionally.

However, the more I’ve shared, the easier it’s become. it’s a non-issue for me.

Here is what I say:

“Hey, I just want to be upfront. I don’t have sex until marriage + that’s not like a cute thing I say…I really mean it. So I just wanted to throw that out there + see where you’re at + what you think!”

RESOURCES FOR NAVIGATING YOUR WHY?

Dr. Celeste Holbrook

The Bible: Flee from Sexual Immorality

Kat’s ‘Why’

Kat’s conversation on God is Grey

Struggling with online dating? Kait Warman of The Heart of Dating and I are hosting a live online workshop just for you on February 25, 2020. Grab your ticket here!

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How a Podcast Saved a Marriage Feb 12, 2020

Show notes

This week, my real-life friends Jessie and Gerard Pepper are on the podcast! You may know them from their own podcast Marriage is Funny. They launched the podcast after they were having a serious discussion about divorce. (Spoiler alert: they are still married.) We chat about the vulnerability that brought them out of that dark time in marriage and they share some actionable steps to tend to the meaningful relationships in your life.

Talking It Out

Their podcast isn’t about marriage advice…it’s about creating a space to process through their own difficulties and problems.
“The points of tension can be what draws you back closer to each other and strengthens the bond between you.”

Growing in Understanding

We talk about why it’s so scary to tell someone what you really want.
Gerard opens up about his tendency to not share emotions. “It feels really dangerous.”
“Beauty comes from complexity.”

Setting an Example

They wish the married couples in their lives had been more honest about marriage. Amen to that, because marriage even to the best person is going to be HARD!
“Our marriage has turned into something that we are tending to and constantly learning about and constantly trying to enrich.”

Keep Up With The Peppers

Check out their website at com.
Follow them on Facebook and join their podcast’s private FB group.
Follow them on IG at @meetthepeppers and @styleandpepper.
Watch their video series about the three marriage myths that nearly ruined their relationship— they gave you special access here.

Struggling with online dating? Kait Warman of The Heart of Dating and I are hosting a live online workshop just for you on February 25, 2020. Grab your ticket here!

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Ever Feel Like a Fake? Tackling Imposter Syndrome 101 Feb 05, 2020

Show notes

Do you remember how much you loved Dr. Therese Mascardo on episode 58 of the podcast “How to Marie Kondo Your Mental Health”? Because I do. And I loved having her on. So guess what? We got her back on the podcast for you! She is a psychologist and the founder of Exploring Therapy. This episode, we are chatting about imposter syndrome, because the imposter syndrome can be so real sometimes, you guys!

The 4 Elements of Imposter Syndrome

Feelings of inadequacy;
Second guessing yourself;
Dismissing accomplishments and praise as luck, timing, or being deceptive;
The thoughts you have lead to fear, anxiety, and perfectionism.

What Causes Imposter Syndrome?

We all have insecurities, but our environment, culture, and upbringing can make those insecurities stronger in our minds.
We aren’t seeing other people’s insecurities, so we think we are wrong for having them.
“Imposter syndrome is created out of the things you tell yourself.”

#1 Thing To Do to Tackle Imposter Syndrome

Identify your self talk and figure out what narratives need correction.
“It’s not about succeeding 100% of the time, it’s just that you deserve as much of a chance, even if you fail.”
“Those who are the first to do something often suffer from imposter syndrome the most.”

The Importance of Community

“If you can receive criticism, you need to be open to receiving praise.”

Resources

Listen to Lizzo— Dr. Therese’s orders!! It will seriously help you with self-talk.
Join the Roundtable waitlist here.
Check out Dr. Therese’s website and Instagram.

I want to say a very special THANK YOU to our new friends in our Patreon community: Meg Poore, Justice Barker, and Francesca Pittaluga! You are truly the reason we are able to invest so much of our time and resources into this podcast!

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Confused by Enneagram? We're Breakin' It Down for You Jan 29, 2020

Show notes

Enneagram is having such a moment. Chances are you either think “that person is such a [insert number here]” any time you meet someone new ,or you think “what the heck is this enneagram I keep hearing about all the time?” Well, today we have an EXPERT on the podcast: Beth McCord, the founder of Your Enneagram Coach. She helps explain the different types and how you can learn to grow and understand both yourself and others through this tool.

What is the Enneagram?

The enneagram suggests that there are nine different personality types.
There are four core motivations for each type: fear, desire, weakness, and longing.
The key is to learn the ‘why’ behind all of your decisions and use it as a tool for growth.
“Real transformation means we have to take the time to look inward.”

The 9 Types

1: Moral Perfectionist
2: Supportive Advisor
3: Achiever
4: Romantic Individualist
5: Investigative Thinker
6: Loyal Guardians
7: Entertaining Optimist
8: Protective Challengers
9: Peaceful Mediators

Enneagram + Dating

It doesn’t matter what number dates what number, the key to success is both being healthy in your own numbers.
The biggest piece of advice: Look for someone who is willing to grow.
“We don’t want to use the enneagram as a sword or a shield.”

Resources

Go to yourenneagramcoach.com to find out what type you are.
Take Beth’s course “Discovering You” here for 50% off after you use her type-finder test.
Go to yourenneagramcoach.com/coremotivations to learn your core motivations.
Check out Beth’s 9 journals for each type here.
Read the book Beth wrote with her husband: Becoming Us.
Read The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron.
Keep up with Beth on Instagram at @yourenneagramcoach.

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Dating Tips, Deal Breakers and Myths Jan 22, 2020

Show notes

Sliding into DMs is my favorite. Basically Instagram stalk people and ask them to be on my podcast. But you know what? It works! And now I have loads of virtual friends. Bam. Today, I’m am chatting with Stephanie May Wilson. She has such a heart for single women, so I am so excited for us to walk through some of the top questions that women send us every day.

DATING 101: Types + Deal Breakers

We chat about how guys are often more attractive in real life than in their online photos BUT if they say they are 6 feet tall, they are almost certainly a full two inches shorter.
We may have a type, but we have to stop making our searches so narrow—the perfect man may not be who you pictured him to be.

DATING 101: It’s A Curb, Not A Cliff

Real talk: we need to be as intentional about dating as we are with our career or fitness.
We chat about the pressure to have meet cutes and the number one frustration women come to her looking for answers to.
“You deserve someone who wants to be with you.”
What do you do with all this hope and confusion? Live this season of your life to the fullest. Show up!

DATING MYTH: There Are No Good Guys?

“There are better things we can do with that focus that actually get us to where we want to be.”
Find ways to put yourself out there more. Just get involved in your community.
Disappointment is part of the dating process. It’s getting you ready for marriage, which is signing up to be disappointed by the same person for your whole life.

Feeling discouraged? God hasn’t forgotten you. It isn’t too late. You are not less than others because you are single. You are not unlovable. You don’t have to figure this out alone. Keep up with Stephanie at StephanieMayWilson.com, where you can find her podcast (Girls Night) and her Instagram (@smaywilson). She has a prayer journal called Every Single Moment—you can find it here!

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Comparison Sucks + Other Thoughts About 2019 Jan 15, 2020

Show notes

Welcome back to The Refined Collective podcast! Did you notice our new intro music? We’re so excited about it. On this first solo show of the new year, I’m chatting about all of the lessons I learned in 2019 (because it taught me some big lessons), my vision for 2020, and of course before I do all of that I share all of my favorite pop culture tidbits with you!

Lessons Learned

Comparison sucks.
- My Challenge to You: What if you used someone else’s breakthrough as evidence of what’s possible as opposed to getting stuck in comparison, jealousy, and a victim mentality? How would doing that impact your life?
Celebrate your wins.
- Life is busy. Often before we finish the one thing, we’re already chasing the next. I don’t know about you, but this feels exhausting. What if before rushing off to the next goal, we allowed ourselves to pause, acknowledge, and celebrate the wins—no matter how big or small.
I can only change me.
- Much to my dismay as much as I try to change others, the only person I can truly change and take responsibility for is myself. Instead of spending so much time focusing on other people’s drama, what if you used that time to look inward, and noticed areas in your own life that needed some extra love?
God lives in the space between.
- Life is a “both and,” not an “either or.”

2020 Vision

(Get it? 2020 vision? 20/20 vision?)
What if you had the courage to receive and believe that you deserved to be here?
What if you were the girl for the job?
What if you no longer let insecurity dictate your reality?
I spent too long believing I didn’t belong on the tennis court or I didn’t belong as a writer. But guess what? I’m writing a freaking book. And then I’m going to write ANOTHER one.
My new mantra: “Why not me?” Thank you Mindy Kaling for that.
What if you spent more time thinking about how things could go well for you instead of always planning for and expecting the worst case scenario to unfold? How would your day-to-day life change?

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