The Refined Collective Podcast

Latest Episodes:

Soulmates = Codependency (And Other Dating Myths Debunked) May 27, 2020

Show notes

I have the privilege of chatting with Debra Fileta of TrueLoveDates.com this week! She is a licensed professional counselor who specializes in dating, marriage, and relationship issues, as well as mental health disorders. She’s also the author of True Love Dates, Choosing Marriage, and Love in Every Season! We chat about everything from the dating mistakes that are holding you back to why it’s okay for a woman to initiate a relationship.

“You’re not born knowing how to engage in healthy relationships; it’s something you have to work on and train and educate and grow.”

6 Reasons it’s Okay for a Woman to Initiate a Relationship

Cultural Context.
Mutually beneficial + reciprocal relationships are biblical.
Healthy relationships are give and take.
Pursuit is a human desire.
Only responding to a person is not a two-way relationship.
“Relationships are living, breathing things.”

“The problem is, when we go into relationships with that mentality that a woman shouldn’t initiate, you end up creating a culture of passive women.”

Soul Mates

Debra shares where the idea of soul mates really came from.
You are not half of a person until you meet someone.
Soul mates creates codependency.

“When we’re only responding, we’re not actually aware of what we want and need.”

Top 2 Dating Mistakes We’re All Making

Not taking the risk to start a relationship. The #1 thing holding you back in singleness: FEAR

Fear of failure.
Fear of rejection.

Desperate people make desperate decisions

When you feel desperate, don’t go on a dating spree. Look in.
Humans are magnetic.

2 Things Debra Would Tell Her Younger Self

Work on your ish: Your past impacts your present if you don’t deal with it. Go to counseling. Do the work now— even if you’re single. Get whole.
Save for a king-sized bed!!

Resources

Keep up with Debra at TrueLoveDates.comand on IG at @truelovedates.
You can buy Debra’s books here: True Love Dates, Choosing Marriage, and Love in Every Season!
Tune in to her podcast, The Love and Relationships Podcast, here.

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

8 Ways to Activate Genuine Self-Love (For Free) May 20, 2020

Show notes

Today on the podcast, I am chatting about wellness and self-love with Erin from Raw Beauty Talks. She shares what the heck self-love actually means, how to listen to your body, master your mindset, and understand what nourishes and energizes you. We also chat about body positivity, Beyoncé, and Erin’s own wellness journey and finding her voice in the body confidence conversation as a ‘skinny girl.’

What Does Self-Love Mean?

“Self-love isn’t a feeling, it’s a verb.”
We want self-love to be easy and comfortable, but it requires effort in order to grow.
“Can you give compassion for the woman you are and can you make choices to align with what that woman needs?”

8 Ways to Activate Genuine Self-Love

Get to know yourself— what make you thrive, what gets you excited?
Honoring the individual— can you give yourself compassion and make decisions that are in alignment with who you are and what you want?
Listen to your body— notice what helps you recharge.
Practice saying no— it will bring you freedom.
Routine— practicing self-love once won’t make an impact.
Implement— as you get to know yourself and how you’re wired.
Act like you love yourself NOW— the feeling will follow the action.
Give yourself grace— it’s a balance; the goal is not perfection.

3 Ways to Get on the Same Team as Your Body

Listen to your body— stop listening to these experts and tune in to your hunger and fullness signals, learn what type of movement your body is needing, maybe it’s a walk maybe it’s a workout.
Master your mindset— are the thoughts you’re having empowering you or holding you back? Find an empowering belief that feels possible.
Understand what nourishes and energizes you— make a list of things that make you feel high energy and another list of things that make you feel low energy.

Resources

Keep up with Erin at co and on Instagram at @rawbeautytalks.
Listen to the Raw Beauty Talks podcast here.
Do a high energy and low energy list, post to Instagram and tag @rawbeautytalks and @therefinedcollective so we can share them!
Listen to my solo episode all about my eating disorder recovery here.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Who Should I Date? May 13, 2020

Show notes

I am so thrilled to be talking with Phylicia Masonheimer this week! She is an author, speaker, and theologian who just released her book Stop Calling Me Beautiful. We talk about dating, if marrying a Christian really non-negotiable, what things we should be looking for in a partner, and a whole lot more.

The Way They Met

· Phylicia shares how she didn’t see her husband as her type when she met him, but he loved her so well and he loved God.

· She shares the moment she decided to give it a shot with Josh, who is now her husband.

Do I need to be led spiritually by someone else?

· Do we need to be at the same place on our spiritual journey with the man we date and marry?

· The church taught us that we need to be led my men who act as our spiritual leaders, but ‘spiritual leader’ isn’t mentioned anywhere in the Bible.

· Phylicia shares the difference between complementarian views and the egalitarian views within Christianity.

· “We’re after the leader heart… not just somebody who has collected a lot of Bible knowledge.”

Questions to Ask the Guy You’re Getting to Know

1. Does he desire God? Does he desire to know God? Does he desire to go deeper?

2. Is he dependent on his friends or parents to be spiritual?

3. What are his sexual boundaries and standards?

3 Things to Look For in a Partner

4. Loves God

5. Works hard

6. Is teachable

· “If he has those three things, then he can grow, he can change, he can develop + adapt. But it’s really hard to be tied to an unbeliever, a lazy man, or a stubborn man.”

Why you should date someone that share your faith / worldview?

· Phylicia recalls the time she was dating an unbeliever. She was unsure if she should move forward, so she asked God for a sign. She received three.

· “You’ve known the truth all along.”

· 2 Corinthians 6:14 — “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.”…with fundamentally different worldviews you’re pulling in different directions—you want to be with someone who is moving forward with you.

Resources

· You can buy her book, Stop Calling Me Beautiful, here.

· Keep up with her at PhyliciaMasonheimer.com or on Instagram at @phyliciamasonheimer.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What is Sober Curious? May 06, 2020

Show notes

Jen Batchelor is the co-founder and CEO of Kin Euphorics, which she created as a response to shifts in her own lifestyle, as well as the lifestyle of her co-founder. Kin is an alternative beverage company that will change the way you approach social drinking. Jen helps unpack the social drinking movement, how adaptogens and nootropics can give your body what it really needs, and how you can approach sober living.

Why Do You Drink?

When people are asked about their own drinking behavior, they never have a solid answer. There remains a stigma around choosing to be sober.
Jen shares the moment when she realized that even though she was putting thought into everything she put into her body, her drinking would negate all of it.
“I don’t want to break even on wellness.”

The Basics

Euphorics represent a new category of pleasure priming drinks. “You can have your cake and drink it too.”
Adaptogens are roots and herbs that help you fight off those Sunday scaries.
Nootropics help balance the chemicals of the mind. It helps with synthesizing thought, processing memory, and enhancing focus.
Using all of this, Kin Euphorics helps restore balance in the body.

What Holds People Back from Sobriety

Fear of labels and stigmas.
Fear of leaning into discomfort.
Fear of what you’ll find out— but knowledge is power.
“We all, in all facets of our lives, should be actively testing our limits so we can understand and feel the resistance and grow from that.”
Being able to be vulnerable to human experiences and sharing it with others.

5 Practical Tips for the Sober Curious

“Is this robbing me or hindering me from an opportunity or the energy I need to pursue my dreams? Is this getting in my way?”

Take stock of your social rituals.
Assess who you have around you and don’t be afraid to make some cuts.
Are your habits in alignment with and pushing you towards your dreams? If not, be willing to try an ‘elimination diet.’
Get clear about your calling. What are your greatest dreams and how can you move towards that with clarity, integrity, and intention?
Commit to your greatest potential and rise to that. Invite people into journey with you.

Resources

Check out Kin at KinEuphorics.comand @kineuphorics.
You can buy Ruby Warrington’s book Sober Curious here.
Check out this Vogue articleabout Kin Euphorics.
Check out @therefinedcollectiveto enter a giveaway for some Kin goodies!
Use code ALLBLISSWITHJEN for 15% off any order (plus free shipping!!)

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How to Invest Into Your Marriage (When You’re Single) Apr 29, 2020

Show notes

This week, I’m chatting with Jeremy and Adrienne Camp. Jeremy and Adrienne are singers and songwriters who met while on tour. Jeremy is GRAMMY-nominated and Adrienne was the lead singer of the Christian rock band the Benjamin Gate and later recorded two solo albums. The two have been married for 17 years have 2 daughters and a son. Their movie I Still Believe was released in March— it’s about Jeremy’s marriage with his first wife Melissa. Jeremy and Adrienne just released their book In Unison.

I drilled them, y’all. We talked about their story, getting stuck in the friend zone, and if sexual attraction can grow between people who start out as friends. Plus, in 17 years of marriage—how do you fight well? And how can we set ourselves up for our future today?

Marriage

They recall not seeing each other as their types when they first met.
We talk about whether sexual attraction can grow or if it has to be there from the start.
“There needs to be a relationship of depth and honor and respect there in order for me to love him with my body.”
Fighting well: she needs to figure it out right away and he needs time to step back and process. “We had to learn those places of grace for each other along the way.”

6 Ways to Sow Into Your Marriage

Stay connected to Jesus.

“If things are dry in my relationship with the Lord, essentially they are dry everywhere else.”
Adrienne prays: “Jesus, be new to me!”

Choose to have a soft heart towards each other. It’s a choice.
Be intentional about dating.
Find things you both love and do them together.
Create space for heart connection.

Connect not just physically, but on a heart level.
How is your heart?
How are we doing?
Are there things I’ve done that have frustrated you?
What can we work on?

Be willing to do the work!!!

“We look ahead and we want the harvest, but we’re not willing to do the hard work today.”

How to Invest Into Your Marriage (When You’re Single)

Learn to deal with conflict in your friendships.
Deal with your own issues. Be willing to do the work.
Seek God. “When we’re seeking Him to find a reward, we’re not going to find that. He’s already given us the greatest reward.”

Resources

Watch the movie I Still Believe here.
Listen to the movie’s soundtrack here.
You can buy Jeremy and Adrienne’s book, In Unison, here.
You can buy Jeremy’s book, I Still Believe, here.
You can buy Adrienne's book, Even Me, here.
Keep up with them at @adiecamp and @jeremycampofficial on Instagram.
Check out their work with Speaking Louder here.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Why Being a 'Good Person' Prevents You From Being Better Apr 22, 2020

Show notes

“I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me.” – Tracee Ellis Ross

Jeana Marinelli is my guest this week and we are talking about racism, bias, white privilege, how to develop a growth mindset, and identifying the myth of the ‘good person’ and how it is keeping us stuck. Jeana is a leadership development professional. Jeana is always asking the important questions of ‘why are things the way they are?’ and ‘how can we be better?’

The Myth of the ‘Good Person’

“It’s this binary notion that is seductive and it’s misleading. You’re either a good person or you’re not. We know that humans are more complex than that.”
We chat about how to confront racism within ourselves and understand our blind spots.
The growth mindset involves acknowledging that you aren’t a good person but that you are always in the process of bettering yourself.
“Women show stronger implicit gender bias against women than men do and it’s because of who gets to tell our stories.”

7 Ways to Foster a Growth Mindset

Look at all the media you consume and look for ways to diversify, especially when it comes to race and gender.
Take ownership to learn more about biases and topics that make you most uncomfortable.
Notice your physical queues where your discomfort comes.
Practice deep listening— listening to understand and not to respond.
Thank anyone who points out inequities without seeking a cookie.
Get better at noticing your own mistakes.
Learning to pronounce someone’s name.

Books to Read

Resources

10 Tips to Practice Growth Mindset and Notice Bias
Take the implicit association test on Harvard website.
Keep up with Jeana at Jeannamarinelli.com and on Instagram at @jeanamarinelli

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Fertility Series: Egg Freezing 101 Apr 15, 2020

Show notes

Welcome back to the fertility series! This time around, I’m chatting with fertility physician Dr. Natalie Crawford from Aspire Fertility all about egg freezing. She is also the host of As A Woman Podcast, which is all about fertility, female empowerment, and leadership. Personally, I have spoken on the podcast about feeling that biological clock ticking and have been thinking about egg freezing a lot so I was really grateful to Dr. Natalie for sharing her wisdom with us— let’s dive in.

We answer questions like:

When is a good time to freeze your eggs?
Is freezing your eggs really a ‘fire insurance’ plan?
Which is a more viable option: IVF or Egg Freezing.
How long does freezing your eggs take + how to plan for it.
How much it costs (b/c umm…that’s a huge part of this process).
And lots more…

Learning Your Body

Dr. Natalie quickly realized how little women knew about their own bodies.
“Every woman would say, ‘I wish I had known this earlier.’”
Did you know 1 out of 8 women struggle with infertility— they just aren’t all sharing their stories.
Most women ignore their infertility problems for a while because they feel a sense of failure, fear, and denial.

Understanding the Process

As you age, your eggs decrease in both quality and quantity.
Dr. Natalie explains the value of AMH testing—a very affordable + often covered by insurance test that tells you how what your egg count + health is like.
There are diet + lifestyle changes you can make to keep your eggs as healthy as possible like decreasing red meat and processed food (more on that in the podcast).
“This whole process is stressful— we can’t make it stress-less. But how can you feel better about it? By feeling really well informed.”

Resources

Listen to Dr. Natalie’s podcast called As A Woman.
Get more information from her site NatalieCrawfordMD.com.
Keep up with her on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieCrawfordMD.
Listen to the first episode in the Fertility Series here.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Why Self-Care Is More Crucial Now Than Ever Before Apr 08, 2020

Show notes

This week I’m chatting with repeat guest Kate Eskuri from The Foundation Blog!! She was on the podcast last year talking about all things periods and it is our most downloaded episode EVER! (You can listen to it here.) Kate is a registered nurse and is currently getting her PhD. This time around, we’re talking about how to get grounded in the midst of overwhelm. Also, how do we even be healthy during this time? And practically speaking, are there certain things I should be doing or avoiding right now? Bottom line, though: there is no one right way to spend your time in quarantine.

5 Ways to Foster a Healthy Relationship with Food

“Your nutrition may not look how it ‘normally’ does… nothing looks ‘normal’ right now.”

Shop with intention—buy things that last a long time and are versatile.
Cook with thought— do you have food that will go bad by next week? Eat that first.
Get resourceful—really take stock of all the food you already have. What if instead of going grocery shopping you got creative?
Donate any extra food you may have— some people aren’t able to stock up.
Use healing ingredients—turmeric, ginger, garlic, echinacea tea, elderberry tea.

Structure Creates Freedom: Rituals to Practice to Freedom

The self-care question you need to ask yourself during this season: “What do YOU need during this quarantine?”
Self-care is no longer an option— it’s a priority.
Want to activate self-care? Write down five things that bring you comfort and joy. A self-care list!

Practical Grounding Rituals

What does it mean to be grounded: “It’s that inner sense of calm even though the outside world might feel a little scattered.”
Journal through these 5 questions to shift from overwhelm to peace in less than 5 minutes:

What are five things I can see?
What are four things I can feel?
What are three things I can hear?
What are two things I can smell right now?
What is one thing I can taste?

3 Ways to Practically Ground Yourself:

Journaling is something you can do for even just a few minutes to ground yourself.
Take a seat, close your eyes, physically place your hands on the crown of your head, and lightly press down. Take a few deep breaths and you will feel yourself settle.
Eat root vegetables. It may sound weird and woo-woo, but give it a try.

Resources

Feeding America is providing food to those who need it, more info here. If you would like to donate to Feeding America, you can do so here.
Kate’s blog post with 8 ways to ground yourself.
Kate’s guide to healthy eating during a quarantine.
Keep up with Kate at thefoundationblog.com and on Instagram at @kate.eskuri.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Is Love Really Blind? Everything I Learned From Love Is Blind Apr 01, 2020

Show notes

If you aren’t using your quarantine time to watch Love is Blind, get on that right now! Basically, it is a Netflix reality TV show where all these men and women go on speed dates. At the end of 10 days there are proposals, and then another 30 days later are the weddings!! Ummm…crazy right? The plot twist: they do not see each other face to face until after they are engaged. There are major spoilers ahead, so catch up quick before listening if you don’t want things spoiled for you!

3 Things I love about Love is Blind:

Intentions are Out in the Open: Everyone showed up to the show knowing why they were there. Ya, some people were probably looking to become insta-famous. But in reality, if you agree to be on the show, you agree that marriage is the outcome you’re looking for. Knowing what you want in a dating relationship, and communicating that is so freeing.
Heart before the Physical: Sexual attraction is such a beautiful part of a relationship, but it’s not the only thing. Getting to know someone’s heart before the physical helps you discern if they’re a good fit or not for you.
Clarity: Since the interactions are so focused and limited, people had to dive into some deep stuff early on. You have to know what you want. Knowing what you want gives you clarity to figure out quicker if the person you’re dating is a good fit for you or not.

Lessons Learned from Love is Blind:

When you’re in, you’re in: Lauren and Cameron taught me that when you’re in… You. Are. In.
Men don’t want a mother, they want a partner.
Don’t ignore the red flags.
Give it a try, but if it’s not there, it’s not there.
Work. On. Your. Ish.
Be the person you want to attract.
Go to therapy.
Be willing to do the work.
Be Clear + Surrender: Be clear about what you want and surrender to the process of getting to know someone. We put too much pressure on dating.

Questions to Ask Yourself in Dating?

Do you know what you’re looking for?
Are you the type of person you’re looking for?
What do you need to work on?

Finally, I answer on the episode whether or not I’d consider going on the show…you’ll have to tune into find out my thoughts!

Resources

Remember the time I went on a blind date? And it was filmed? For YOUTUBE? Yep. That happened. Here’s the video if you missed it.
Head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram to share your thoughts on all things Love is Blind… we are dying to know!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How to Work from Home (Without Going Crazy) Mar 25, 2020

Show notes

Man COVID-19?!?! Ughhh… Am I right!? I know working from home can be a major adjustment in any season, but since so many of us have transitioned home in this season I had to talk about it! I’ve been working from home for 10 years, and promise you it’s possible to work from home, be productive, AND not go crazy. It’s just going to take some time, intention, and lots of boundaries! Today’s episode is all about my best tips for working from home (without going crazy).

8 Ways to Create Structure

Leave your bedroom— let it remain a sanctuary free from work.
Get dressed— even if absolutely nobody is going to see you.
Set up an office space— setting is everything.
Block schedule— it’ll keep you focused.
Make a list each morning and prioritize a daily top 3.
Schedule breaks and commit to that boundary.
When you’re done, put it away. Structure creates freedom.
Keep and protect normal business hours— I dare you to give yourself 12 hours away from email.

Set Up Connection Points Throughout Your Day

If you normally work in an office, do a virtual check in with your team in the morning to keep the natural rhythm.
If you’re an entrepreneur, reach out to fellow entrepreneurs for advice.

3 Free Resources to stay Connected to your Team:

3 Productivity Boundaries

Phone hacks: put it on do not disturb, turn off iMessage, download the app Freedom for social media, or even delete the social media apps off your phone!
Check your email four times a day and block it in your schedule.
I personally use the POMODORO Method. It involves working for 25 min, then taking a 5-min break. I do that four times and then take a 15-min break. Repeat.

Bottom line, though: have grace with yourself. You may not get as much done, and guess what? That’s okay. I hope this has helped you work from home whether you’re always working from home or if COVID-19 is forcing you to develop a new routine.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Our TOPPODCAST Picks

Follow Us

Stay Connected

The Refined Collective Podcast

Related Podcasts

Links

Stay Connected