The Refined Collective Podcast

Latest Episodes:

Dream Interpretation with Andi Andrew Sep 30, 2020

Show notes

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Andi Andrew is a dear friend of mine and I am glad to finally have her on the podcast! She is a wife, mother of four kiddos, pastor, author, and speaker. She and her husband, Paul, are lead pastors at the Liberty Church in NYC. She also launched She is Free in 2015, a movement that equips women to walk in freedom. Today we’re talking about dream interpretation, a prophetic dream she had in 2016, and we unpack a recurring dream I’ve been struggling to understand.

“As if posting a picture on our social media channels alone solves the massive problems we see all around us. If we could intentionally put our phones down more often and be about our father’s business…we’d see the change + transformation we so eloquently post about on our feeds…I think we can all agree that the last thing a lost and dying world needs is an army of ‘cute entertainers’ who are only interested in saving ourselves while spouting our opinions and putting on a show with an impotent gospel that temporarily fixes our symptoms instead of healing the heart, soul + body.” – Andi Andrew, Fake or Follower

A Prophetic Dream

Andi had a dream back in the election season in 2016… a tumultuous time.
She was walking down the street with her children. There was an angel on her shoulder. She noticed people taking selfies in front of piles of dead bodies along the road.
Andi felt no fear in the dream and her angel told her to walk into the destruction.
“God, is this a nightmare? Do I need to be praying for our city?” The Lord told her that no, it was the state of the church.
God was telling her that the church needs its foundation to be rebuilt and that it will take longer than we want it to, but it will happen.
“In this season, God is really stripping the layers back of the church and of our lives so that we can hopefully wake up and pay attention.”
It’s time to go back to the simplicity of the gospel. Get rid of the bells and whistles and focus on devotion to God, each other, prayer, unity, and community.

4 Different Types of Dreams

1. Soul Dream

This is your brain processing the day. If you watched a certain show or listened to a certain song that day, it could be weaved into the dream.

2. Demonic Dream (night terror/nightmare)

These are not from God.
The enemy is showing you his hand— use this to pray specifically to God.

3. Prophetic Dream

They could be personal, for others, or for a collective of people.
Discernment: when and where to share, or are you just supposed to pray for others during this time?

4. Personal Discipleship Dream

If there’s something that you haven’t dealt with from your past, it could keep coming to you in your dreams.

Common Dream Symbols

Numbers and colors are important. If you remember small details of your dreams, write them down!
Different types of buildings and vehicles have different meanings: towers, open fields, scary forests, cars, airplanes, motorcycles.
“The word of God, the Holy Spirit, is going to be your greatest teacher.”

How to Interpret Your Dream

Stay in the word of God— read it all the time.
You need to be able to discern if your dream is from you, from God, or from the enemy.
Pray! “Holy Spirit, does this have a meaning?”
Write down the details of your dreams first thing in the morning.
If you’re receiving a prophetic message for another person, “Ask God: Am I meant to share this or am I just meant to pray for this person?” and always approach the person with humility.

Resources

Keep up with Andi at AndiAndrew.com and on Instagram at @andiandrew.
Read more about Andi’s prophetic dream on this IG post.
Andi has an IGTV Dream Series— you can watch part one here.
Here’s where you can buy her books, Fake or Follower and She is Free.
Check out her podcast, Coffee with Andi, here!
Read The Divinity Code: To Understand Your Dreams and Visions. **Be careful which books you read and make sure they are Biblically based books.

I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you couldfinancially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

[BONUS] The Messy Middle: When Your Shame Becomes Your Redemption with Mary Marantz Sep 28, 2020

Show notes

“She kept going until she looked good on paper, but it never made her feel more real.”

-Mary Marantz

How human is it to want something, try and fit the bill, and then finally fit the bill and feel like you’re suffocating? Mary Marantz and I talk all about this on the podcast this week. She grew up in a single-wide trailer, then went on to go to Yale Law School. She recently shared her story in her book Dirt that just came out this month. It’s a story that reminds you that you never really know a person.

Dirty Beginnings

She shares how looking back on such small beginnings, it’s easy to romanticize it in hindsight or from the outside looking in. But when you’re in it, it’s anything but.
God said to her, “This is muddy and it’s hard and it’s not what you wished for and you wished you had someone else’s story, but I’m not done writing.”
When she was little, the thing she wanted the most was a real house with a real roof. She imagined a blueprint of a home trying to redraw itself to be perfect.
“She kept going until she looked good on paper, but it never made her feel more real.”

Chasing the Shiny Fairytale

A large part of her always wanted to go to law school, but sometimes we chase things so grand like law school just to feel like we’ve redeemed our small beginnings.
At the start, she was hoping to go to a more local law school, but in a movie-like scenario, her friend submitted her application to Yale and she got in.
Later on, she decided to start a photography business with her husband (she met him online, y’all!!!) They took big risks in business— she never wants to live a life that is safe.

Carrying Your Past + Honoring Your Dirt

“Is it something heavy you’re carrying? Is it a burden? Or is it some precious thing you’re carrying carefully?... For me, it’s the second one.”
“I would no more try to run away from the dust in my life that represents the creation of God than I would try to run away from the mud in my story that represents the genesis of my story.”
Look at your dirt and see the power of where you come from instead of the shame.
“There’s no amount of running where you can outrun you.”

Resources

Keep up with Mary at MaryMarantz.comand on IG at @marymarantz.
If you want to hear more of Mary’s story, you can buy her new book, Dirt, at thebookdirt.com/refined(plus you’ll get some fun goodies!)

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtipsto check it out!

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What If I Don’t Know Who I Am: Identity, Trauma and Stepping Into the Unknown with Jedidiah Jenkins Sep 16, 2020

Show notes

Is it ok if I don’t know ‘who’ I am…we all want to be somebody.

But what is a somebody?

—Jedidiah Jenkins

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

This week, I’m chatting with travel writer, public speaker, and my good friend Jedidiah Jenkins. A few years ago, Jed made the decision to leave his job to pursue his dream: bike to Patagonia and write a book about it. And he did it. The book, To Shake the Sleeping Self, made the NYT Best Sellers List. Multiple times! Fun fact: we used to be roommates, so we share some fun stories from the good old days. We also chat about people-pleasing tendencies, learning to be your truest self, what our biggest fears can teach us, and why it’s important to name our traumas.

“When you start to step towards what feels true, you might ruffle feathers, but what you’ll find is people that look up and go ‘Oh my God, me too.’”

Being Gay in the Church

Jed was raised Christian, realized he was gay and was told it was bad.
“It’s a horrible thing to wake up into a consciousness as a child and realize that something innately inside you, everyone if they found out would reject you… That is a horrible darkness.”
This led him to try and be perfect. “If I’m not inherently good, then I must earn it.”
When he got to be 30 years old, he decided to really live his life, despite his biggest fear of be
Jed opens up about the complicated relationship he has with his mother throughout his journey of becoming who he really is.

When Your Biggest Fears Become Your Reality

I open up about when my biggest fear became a reality: my dad having a drug relapse—and found instead of destroying me; it became one of the biggest access points for growth in my life.
“Being tested is the revelation of who you are, so I wouldn’t trade that for the world.”— Jed
Jed’s worst fear was rejection by everyone, and the opposite happened. “I’m lucky because I have a mother who loves first and is righteous second.”

If you don’t heal your past; it will haunt you.

3 Practical things to do to begin walking towards freedom from trauma:

Identify + speak your trauma out loud in safe spaces.
Only then can you start to see how even the darkest moments have led you to who and where you are today.
Release it—if we don’t heal our past; it will haunt us.

Jed shares a quote from Onsite, a trauma workshop experience based in Nashville: “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” Even if we’re not aware of the trauma, our bodies and subconscious are.
Growth doesn’t mean that the struggle isn’t there anymore. It means you now have the tools to handle the struggle when it pops up.
“Walk in the direction of what feels right. If it’s not right, it will tell you.”

Resources

Keep up with Jedidiah at JedidiahJenkins.com and on IG at @jedidiahjenkins.
You can buy his book, Like Streams to the Ocean, here.
You can buy his book, To Shake the Sleeping Self, here.
Check out my IGTV response to purity culture here.
Check out Onsite, the therapist community in Nashville, here.
You can buy the book we talk about, The Body Keeps the Score, here.
Get updates for my book, Sexless in the City, here.

As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool.Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.

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[BONUS] Why Are So Many People Leaving the Evangelical Church Right Now? Sep 11, 2020

Show notes

On this special bonus episode, I’m sharing part two of my conversation with Addison Bevere. If you missed part one, listen here for our chat about first dates, vulnerability, and 3 practical ways to know if he’s ‘the one.’ This episode, we’re diving into a conversation about his book he just released called Saints: Becoming More Than "Christians." We explore the current climate of the Western Evangelical church. We’re in a mass exodus right now and to be completely real with you, there are times I’m embarrassed to be associated with Christian culture.

What it Means to Be Saints

The word “Christian” is only used three times in Scripture. The word “Saints” is used over 60 times.
“Saints aren’t people who remove themselves from the struggles of our world, Saints are people who plunge into the messiness of this world. We are all called to be Saints.”
We discuss how so much of the Western Evangelical church has ignored the Black Lives Matter movement.
“We’re a family and a family isn’t whole and completely represented until every single person is at that table.”
The early church (the Saints) took Jesus’ words seriously and shared a Gospel that disrupted the status quo and turned the world upside down. It was a message worth trading their lives for. Can we say the same about today’s “Gospel”?

What Does it Means to Be a Christian

We’re living a post-Christian world, aka they’re moving on to secularism or DIY spirituality. What does this mean for Christians?
“People have reduced the Gospel to a transactional idea.”
A sin is a violation of relationships, and Jesus came to restore relationships.
“That’s where the kingdom advances… at the intersection of relationship.”
The church is full of extremes. Some people think being saved is both the starting line and the finish line. However, other people make the finish line so far away that nobody can reach it.

Getting Back to the Heart of God

Is it possible to recover from feelings of embarrassment with the Christian culture?
Addison shares that he no longer calls himself a Christian. Instead, he says he is a follower of Christ because he doesn’t like the baggage of identifying as a Christian.
“We have to be willing to use new language.”
“Saints” is never mentioned in the singular. That’s because it’s about the “we.”

Resources

Keep up with Addison’s work at SonsAndDaughters.tvas well as MessengerInternational.org and AddisonBevere.com.
Follow Addison on Instagram at @addisonbevere.
You can buy Addison’s book, Saints: Becoming More Than “Christians,”here.
Listen to part one of this conversation with Addison here.
Listen to TRC episode 98 “Why Black Lives Matter” here.

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Is He the One?: 3 Practical Ways to Know if You’ve Found 'The One' with Addison Bevere Sep 09, 2020

Show notes

Addison Bevere is the COO of the non-profit Messenger International and co-founder of Sons and Daughters TV. He also recently became a published author— he just wrote Saints: Becoming More Than “Christians.” We talked for SO long and about so many things that I decided to share this episode in two parts, so you’ll be getting a special bonus episode this week! In this episode, we talk all about love, dating, and relationships. He shares the story of how he got married young and had children right away, plus he gives practical tips to know if you’ve found the one.

“There’s joy and meaning and opportunity to be found in every season.”

How to Practice Vulnerability in Dating

Clarity

o “Clarity is a relationship’s best friend in every stage.”

Remove the Pressure

o Release the first date pressure of “Are they the one?” Instead, ask yourself “Did I enjoy my time?” and “Do I want to spend more time with them?”

Chill out!

o “We’re trying to answer questions we shouldn’t even be asking yet.”

Dating Real talk from a Dude:

Addison shares that for the most part, men can be oblivious to when girls are flirting and sometimes they’re just terrified of making a move.
“Wisdom transcends nuance, so when we seek to have a heart of wisdom, then we realize that God doesn’t deal in transactions, He deals in relationships.”
If you find yourself concerned about their spiritual journey, think more about if you’re on the same path rather than if you’re at the same point on the journey.

“God is the only one who gets to exist in the past, the present and the future. We get to live in the present.”

3 Ways to Know if They’re ‘The One’

Peace
- Philippians 4: It’s a peace that transcends all understanding.
- Colossians 3:14-15: Peace is like an umpire.

- I share a personal story of a time I almost got engaged and how I look back on that time and recognize I did not have peace in that relationship.

Sacrifice
- It’s important to ask yourself “Am I willing to lay down my life, in the context of marriage, for the rest of my life for this person?”

- People frequently think about their relationship by evaluating the other person.
- We all evolve in different seasons of life. We will always be navigating new strengths and weaknesses.

Growth
- Does being with this person acknoweldge and encourage who you are today while inspiring you to be more? Both have to be true.

- “Open your eyes to the you that Christ sees.”

Resources

Keep up with Addison’s work at SonsAndDaughters.tv as well as MessengerInternational.org and AddisonBevere.com.
Follow Addison on Instagram at @addisonbevere.
You can buy Addison’s book, Saints: Becoming More Than “Christians,” here.
You can buy Lisa Bevere’s book Lioness Arising, here.
Check out Addison’s IGTV “Why God Won’t Give You Clarity” here.
Get access to the conference Addison and I both spoke at here.

As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.

I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Healing Heartache: How to Overcome Rejection, Break-Ups, + Heartbreak Sep 02, 2020

Show notes

“In the midst of chaos, there’s always a place where peace resides.

We just have to find our way to it”.

— Toni Collier

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

I have the pleasure of talking to Toni Collier this week. She is a speaker, host, consultant, and the founder of a women’s ministry called Broken Crayons Still Color. She helps women process brokenness and move towards hope. (I spoke to her husband Sam Collier a few weeks ago on the podcast— you can listen here.) We had a wonderful conversation all about her process of healing from traumas, our daddy issues (shoutout to Beyonce), and how she moved from divorce to healing and love.

“Our childhood wounds become the hurdles of our adulthood.”

4 Big Hitters to Overcoming Heartbreak

Self-awareness

- Be honest and confront yourself.
- Too often, we just survive through traumas. We need to understand that those traumas are not okay and heal from them. We also need to realize that healing isn’t overnight.

Lean in and do the work:

- what’s the bottom of your pit?
- Because of the pain she endured in childhood, she found herself in situations that caused further trauma and pain.
- “I turned into this extremely hurt, abused, bitter woman and it was leaking everywhere because our pain can just not stay silent.”
- Beth Moorewas instrumental in Toni’s healing journey.

Go to the root of the trauma.

- Toni shares the success she had with EMDR and what it does to treat trauma.

If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.

- Unhealed trauma manifests in the present.
- “Until we look ourselves in the eyes and become the healthy whole individuals that we want to date and marry, we’re going to perpetuate a cycle of single people roaming the earth.”

5 Quick Heartbreak Hacks

Unfollow + Block on social. If you think you’ll be tempted to search them, block them!
Community: invite trusted people into the process with you.
What brings you joy?
Self-Care
Back to the basics:

o Eat well

o Sleep well.

o Move your body.

Replenishment Cycle

The key here is to have a reserve of health that you can pull on.
Ask yourself, ‘What brings my soul, emotions, and spirit joy?’

o Quiet time // Check out my 7-day devotional

o Meditation // Check out my 30-day Bible study and meditation guide

o Get in nature

o Take care of yourself: nails, hair, get dressed. “The souls God gave us are inside of the bodies he gave us. We get to take care of them too.”

o Working out

Set up consistency within your replenishment cycle. Commit to the healing process.
Now allowed: a text message from someone. “They cannot fill you up.”

Resources

Keep up with Toni on Instagram at @tonijcollier.
Check out her work with Broken Crayons Still Color at BrknCrayons.comand @brkncrayons on IG.
The Hopeful Woman Collectiveis a private Facebook Group and a space for women to be hopeful that you can join.
The Hopeful Woman Courseis available here.
You can buy Beth Moore’s book, So Long, Insecurity, here.
Keep an eye out for Toni’s 5-Day Broken But Hopeful Challenge starting in September!
Listen to Toni’s husband, Sam, on The Refined Collective Podcast here.
Because I know it’s probably stuck in your head, here’s Daddy Lessons by Beyoncé.
Onsite Workshops in Nashville is another great resource if you want an in-person deep dive into trauma therapy.https://www.onsiteworkshops.com

As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.

I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Why Does the Church Worship Marriage? Aug 26, 2020

Show notes

Today is a big day, friends, because I’m chatting with Jamie Ivey! A few years ago Jamie had me on her podcast The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey. AND it was the first time I ever opened up about my faith and singleness. It was astonishing to hear the response to that conversation and it is part of the reason I am writing a book. Today, we chat about her book, You Be You, understanding our callings, how the church worships marriage, and how to maintain healthy boundaries in friendships.

Does being single in the church feel like being JV to the Varsity of married couples ?

Worshipping Marriage

We talk about how some people feel their biggest calling is being a wife or a mother and the ways it can be a problematic feeling:
The 3 Marriage Myths:
Marriage will solve your problems, and fix you. i.e. eating disorder, body image, addiction, etc.
Marriage makes you more godly.
Marriage will jumpstart your purpose and calling.
“This is on us as the church to quit proclaiming marriage as God’s greatest gift to us. It is a good gift, but I am not any more special than you because I’m married.”

Can Men and Women Be Friends? (Ya we went there…again).

We chat about how if you shut yourself off from any male friendships, you’re missing out on getting to know so many people.
Jamie talks about the boundaries she and her husband stick to when it comes to guarding their marriage.
#1 thing to keep in mind in guy/girl friendships: COMMUNICATION. If you’re developing feelings for a guy friend… SAY IT!

Knowing Your Calling

Sometimes we can feel so paralyzed when trying to identify our calling, but we tend to overcomplicate things.
3 Questions to ask yourself to figure out your calling (brought to you by: Tim Keller) to Know Your Calling:

o Affinity

o Ability

o Opportunity (check the full article here)

“God has equipped you to do something great.”

Resources

Keep up with Jamie at JamieIvey.com and on IG at @jamieivey.
You can buy Jamie’s book You Be You here. Text FRIEND to 33777 and Jamie will send you a free downloadable print and talk to you about her book!
You can listen to her podcast The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey here.
Listen to my conversation with Jamie Ivey on The Happy Hour Podcast here.
Watch Jamie’s family chat with Emmanuel Acho about being white parents raising Black children here.
Check out Tim Keller’s Calling Exercise PDF here.

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[BONUS] Stop Saying "Sorry": How to Lead Like a BOSS Aug 24, 2020

Show notes

Dr. Sasha Shillcutt is a nationally renowned cardiac anesthesiologist and has witnessed gender-bias in her field. She’s also seen women withdraw and conceal their leadership. We ended up having a completely different conversation than we had planned because we started chatting about the idea of ‘bossiness.’ Do you ever stop and think of how many times you say “I’m sorry” throughout the day to make others feel more comfortable and diminish your own experience? We dive into why that is.

It’s Okay to be Bossy

We chat about how our tendency to apologize for everything dims our own light .
“We constantly have to ask ourselves: do we have permission to be ourselves today?”
Even if we call someone out on inappropriate behavior, we can fall into saying, “I’m sorry, but…” Dr. Sasha now says, “Can you repeat that?” You shouldn’t have to apologize to make someone else feel better about their inappropriate behavior.
“Being bossy saves lives. Taking action saves lives.”

Two Strategic Ways to Lead Like a Boss

Leading statements

When you’re going into an assertive position, this is what you have to do: for the next five minutes you’re going to clearly define where you see [whatever project you’re working on] and you’re doing it this way so you can share clearly your stance.
If you anticipate getting emotional, say, “I’m not upset; I’m just super passionate about this.”

The next time you’re in a room where a woman asserts herself, affirm her!

Four Ways to Negotiate Like a Boss (Even When You Don’t Know What You’re Doing)

Know your non-negotiables and your bottom line

Get clear on the things that you will NOT do
Be willing to walk away from something good because you know you’re worth something amazing

Realize your power

Start talking with women about how much you’re making
Sallie Krawcheck, the CEO and co-founder of Ellevest shared, “61% of womenwould rather talk about their own death than talk about money.”

Know what the other party wants from you

How do you know what the other party wants?
What are the 3 highest goals for me this year?
How do you optimize yourself in those 3 areas?
There’s power in being the candidate that negotiates
As women, we just feel grateful we got the job

Think long-term

This breakthrough will support future women
“I’m not just negotiating for Sasha, I’m negotiating for my family, my daughters coming behind me, my friends who are women. I’m negotiating for all of them and that empowers me.”

Resources

Keep up with Dr. Sasha Shillcutt at com and on IG at @becomebraveenough.
You can buy Dr. Sasha’s book, Between Grit and Grace: The Art of Being Feminine and Formidable, here.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Is My Sexual Desire Sinful? Aug 19, 2020

Show notes

I am so grateful to The Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

I never thought I’d be talking about things like sexual desire and masturbation, but the masturbation series broke records for downloads. So many of you reached out saying it was what you had been needing to hear. So here I am, back to talk about sexual desire. My heart today is to unpack for you a biblical vision surrounding sexuality and desire and for you to walk away with clarity and practical tools to walk out your sexual desire well in whatever season you may be in.

"You can't talk about sexuality without talking about how we were made. And that will inevitably lead you to who made us. At some point you have to talk about God. Sex. God. They're connected. And they can't be separated. Where the one is, you will always find the other.” —Rob Bell, Sex God

God is NOT Afraid of Your Sexual Desire

The rhythm and repetition of the Creation account is filled with erotic language. “The climax of creation is the creation of humanity.”
Song of Solomon: Hebrew boys weren’t allowed to read it because it was so erotic.
Anyone that says this is just a metaphor for Jesus and the church is dismissing the layered and blatant text.
Psalms: And again, “I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you…your love is better than life…on my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night…I cling to you (Ps.63:1-8 emphasis mine).
When was the last time you cried out to God with such visceral language because your longing for Him was so strong?

“God is not shy or embarrassed or afraid of desire or erotic language.”

What is Sexual Desire?

“Spirituality can be described as a vast longing that drives us beyond ourselves in an attempt to connect with, to probe and to understand our world. And beyond that, it is the inner compulsion to connect with the Eternal Other, which is God. Essentially, it is a longing to know and be known by God (on physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual levels). This is why we are called to worship God with all that we are—body, mind and soul (Deuteronomy 6:4-9; Mark 12:29-31)…

…Sexuality can be described as the deep desire and longing that drives us beyond ourselves in an attempt to connect with, to understand, that which is other than ourselves. Essentially, it is a longing to know and be known by other people (on physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual levels). It thus forms part of what it means to ‘love others as we love ourselves’ (Mark 12:29-31)…Our deepest longings as human beings are to be in relationship with God and our neighbor—this really and simply is the human condition…

—Debra Hirsch, Redeeming Sex, page 16 (parantheses quote from Alan and Debra Hirsch, Untamed

Sexual Desire vs. Desire for Sex

Sexual desire is the desire to connect outside of ourselves with others—this includes a natural desire for sex—but to say that our sexual desire is the same as our desire for sex is to take a multi-faceted 3-D experience and flatten it into 1-D stick figure.
Sexual desire is way more expansive than just bodies touching and fluids exchanging.
God didn’t say humanity is good…but your sexual desire is only good in marriage—he just said it’s very good.
There has to be a way to embrace sexuality outside of marriage + outside of sex in a way that’s honoring. This is really good news! Especially for those of us who are single!
Having sexual desire is one of the most common human experiences—in fact, if you didn’t have desire—that’s a whole other conversation. Ultimately our sexual desire is a shadow of our desire for God.

Is My Sexual Desire Sinful?

God put the penis on the man, and he put the testicles on the man, and he filled those testicles with sperm. He created all tissue—some that would expand, some that would secrete; he filled the man with testosterone to walk through all creation and name the animals, to exercise God-given authority. When Adam was done with that, before sin entered the world, God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him’.

I want to say it again: God’s the one who created and wire this whole thing. In Genesis 2, sin hadn’t even entered the world yet, and God said it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. So he knocked him out, pulled out a rib, and shaped the woman. And as he shaped the woman differently, he gave her larger breasts, rounder hips, and a vagina. He filled the woman with a different hormone, estrogen. The woman’s body was not the Devil’s idea; it was all God’s doing.”

—Matt Chandler, The Mingling of the Souls, page 13

Genesis 1 teaches us that GOD CREATED HUMANS AS HOLISTIC BEINGS. Our sexuality and desires are not a surprise to God; it’s not shameful or taboo: He created it and then called it good. Something about it reflects an aspect of who He is.

“God doesn’t make bad or gross or shameful things. All of who you are reflects the Genesis 1 God image in you.”

Resources

Listen to Purity Culture, Painful Sex + Debunking Shame Narrative with Dr. Celeste Holbrook
Sign up for my How to Embrace Your Sexuality Course here:https://bit.ly/Trw-embrace
Get your free guide 6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life here:ly/trw-datingtips
Here’s my IGTV “4 Reasons Why Purity Culture is Missing the Mark”
Purchase Matt Chandler’s The Mingling of the Souls
Purchase Debra Hirsch’s Redeeming Sex
Purchase Rob Bells’ Sex God
If you want to stay in touch about my book Sexless in the City, click here for all updates.

Thank you so much to this week’s sponsors of The Refined Collective Podcast!!

As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.

I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!

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What Dating in 2020 is Really Like… Aug 12, 2020

Show notes

This week, I two guests…double the fun y’all! I have the pleasure of talking to Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick, the podcast hosts of The Dateable Podcast. When they began, it was a whole lot of ‘dating sucks,’ but they’ve transitioned out of that to focusing on getting to the bottom of why people do the things they do. We’re chatting all things dating during COVID, dating in the midst of the BLM Movement, and ALL the things.

It’s Not Just You

Everyone thinks they’re alone in their dating struggles, but if you talk to enough people you find that it’s pretty universal.
“There’s so much looking outward at other people’s behavior that people forget to look at their own behavior.”
One of the biggest struggles in dating is that for a long time, there was just a lot of bad advice out there.

Lessons Learned from Hosting a Dating Podcast

“There’s no formula. Love cannot be hacked. It just doesn’t work that way.”
Julie and Yue share some of their own dating experiences— they even interviewed some of their first dates for their podcast!!
Dating doesn’t always end in marriage, and that is ok! Sometimes the outcome of a date is just a platonic relationship, and that’s okay.

What Dating in 2020 is Really Like…

“This might not end for a while. We just don’t know. The only thing we can do is adapt to what we are given.”
Mindset is everything, whether you’re using this time to video date or focus on yourself.
“This could be a really great thing for our dating lives if we let it be.”
We talk about how more and more people are putting their support of Black Lives Matter in dating profiles, and I share a personal story of ending a first date with a man.
“A lot of times, we don’t know what’s important to us until we experience it.”
“The key to modern dating is to trust yourself. There isn’t a rulebook.”

Recourses

Listen to their podcast, The Dateable Podcast, on iTunes and Spotify.
Keep up with Julie and Yue on IG at @dateablepodcast, on FB at Dateable Podcast, and on Twitter at @dateablepodcast.
Join their Facebook group Love in the Time of Corona here.

As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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