The Messy Bun Podcast

Latest Episodes:

059 - Sibling Rivalry Jul 12, 2021

Show notes

If you have perfect kids 👼🏾, then you don't need this episode. If you're like me, and your kids are GREAT but also fight, then this episode is for you! We learned so much studying this topic.

Why siblings fight
- It's normal!
- Life skills learned from sibling conflict
- Older teens vs. younger siblings
How to handle things when fights occur
- Stay out of it as much as possible
- If needed, coach through conflict
- Don't take sides
- Model problem solving
- Do not tolerate violence or verbal abuse
How to help reduce future fighting
- Have equal treatment in the home
- Build family relationships
- Have open communication

Resources:

Sibling Conflict in Adolescence by Carl E. Pickhardt Ph.D., https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201003/sibling-conflict-in-adolescence
Teen and family relationships, https://www.mentalhelp.net/relationships/siblings/
Teenage Sibling Fighting, https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/behaviour/sibling-fights/sibling-fighting
Sibling Rivalry, https://www.teentips.co.uk/videos/sibling-rivalry/

058 - Listening Jul 05, 2021

Show notes

Does your daughter think you're a good listener? ⁠Does she know how to be a good listener? We're both working on our listening skills (especially interrupting!) - which is why we did this topic!

How empathy makes you a better listener
Key steps to being a good listener
Good things that happen when we listen effectively

Resources:

Active Listening, https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/communicating-relationships/communicating/active-listening
10 steps to effective listening, Dianne Schilling, Forbes, https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2012/11/09/10-steps-to-effective-listening/?sh=74ebab0d3891
Learning to Listen, Princeton University, https://umatter.princeton.edu/connecting/listening
Listening Effectively, Raj Soin, Wright State University, http://www.wright.edu/~scott.williams/skills/listening.htm
What Great Listeners Actually Do, Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman, https://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do
Fred Rogers, Quotes by Fred Rogers, Good Read, GoodReads

057 - More Than a Body with Lexie Kite, PhD Jun 28, 2021

Show notes

Lexie Kite, PhD., and her sister Lindsay Kite, PhD., are experts in the field of body image resiliency and the harmful effects of objectification. And they are our heroes. You can learn more about their work at morethanabody.org, and by watching Lindsay Kite's TEDTalk.

We talked with Lexie about their newly released book, More Than a Body, which is a must-read. Check out Steph's book review on our Instagram account.

Teen girls and objectification
- Sea of Objectification metaphor
- Self-objectification
Living as More than a Body
- How girls are targeted
- Let's get mad about it
Body Image Resilience
- Fight the objectification, not yourself
- Fighting internalized shame
- Helping others rise
- Coming home to your body

Resources:

Instagram @beautyredefined

056 - Relaxation Jun 21, 2021

Show notes

Last week we focused on WORK - now this week we're focusing on relaxation. However, it might not be the relaxation you're thinking of... ⁠

While vacations and bubble baths and binging Netflix are definitely fun and relaxing and they help us escape our hard stuff, they don't actually help us deal with and get through our hard stuff. So, in this week's episode, we want to make sure our daughters know how to find peace and calm while dealing with the really difficult - and we do that through something called active relaxation. ⁠ ⁠

Active relaxation vs. Regular relaxation
The science behind the benefits of active relaxation
Ways to practice active relaxation

Resources:

Relaxation Skills for Teens, (Teen Treatment Center) https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/well-being/relaxation-skills-for-teens/
Teaching Teens to Relax to Manage Stress, Ken Ginsberg, Center for Parent & Teen Communication, https://parentandteen.com/take-active-steps-to-relax/
The Science Behind Mindfulness Meditation, YouTube, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wVRBjpYGU0
The Scientific Power of Meditation, YouTube, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw71zanwMnY
Dan Harris, Panic Attack on Live TV, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qo4uPxhUzU
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/teaching-mindfulness-to-teenagers_b_5696247
E S Epel, E Puterman, J Lin, E H Blackburn, P Y Lum, N D Beckmann, J Zhu, E Lee, A Gilbert, R A Rissman, R E Tanzi & E E Schadt, Meditation and vacation effects have an impact on disease-associated molecular phenotypes, https://www.nature.com/articles/tp2016164

055 - Work Ethic Jun 14, 2021

Show notes

Are your teens hard workers? ⁠ ⁠ Work ethic is a BIG deal, but sometimes we can feel a little guilty because we see all the things our teens don't work hard at (hello, chores). ⁠ But then we watch how hard they work at swim practice, or with homework, or on the mural they are painting in their bedroom. So maybe they do have good work ethic?

In this episode, we talk all about the benefits of hard work and how to teach your teen how to do it.

The benefits of hard work⁠
- Builds character
- Gets results
- Draws attention
- Brings new opportunities
- Blesses others
How to teach your teens to work hard
- Praise effort over outcome
- Model work ethic in action
- Use everyday challenges as teachable moments
- Give kids the opportunity to flex their work ethic
- Make personal responsibility a priority
- Teach how to balance commitments
- Allow them to experience the results of hard work
- Make it fun⁠

Resources:

Ebone Bell, 5 Benefits of Hard Work, Linked In, https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/5-benefits-hard-work-ebone-bell/
Mary Squillace, How to Raise a Kid Who Works Hard, https://medium.com/apparently/how-to-raise-a-kid-who-works-hard-503fac673be5
Parenting Teens and Tweens, 5 Ways to Help Teens Develop a Strong Work Ethic, https://parentingteensandtweens.com/5-ways-to-help-teens-develop-a-strong-work-ethic/
Chris Hudson, Understanding Teenagers, The 7 Secrets to Motivating Teenagers, https://understandingteenagers.com.au/the-7-secrets-of-motivating-teenagers/

054 - LGBTQ+ Teens with Colette Dalton, LCSW Jun 07, 2021

Show notes

It's Pride Month, so we thought it was really important to discuss LGBTQ+ teens. We feel so fortunate that we got to interview Colette Dalton, LCSW. She helped us learn how we can be better allies. Colette's personal and professional experience gave us so much to think about, and gave us many really important points to share with our daughters.

LGBTQ+ Vocabulary and Vernacular
- What each "letter" means in LGBTQSIA+
- Pronoun usage
Creating an LGBTQ+ environment in our homes
- Always speak like someone in your home is on the LGBTQ+ spectrum
- If someone says something hurtful or incorrect, speak up
- Include members of the LGBTQ community in your circle
How to support LGBTQ+ teens
- Show love no matter what
- Correct language and hurtful comments
- Post supportive things on social media
- Join the Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) (in high school)
- Be a safe friend to everyone so others can open up to you (don't gossip, keep confidences, be kind)

Resources:

Instagram: @colettedalton
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/colettedaltonlcsw
Symmetry Solutions: https://www.symmetrysols.com/colette-dalton
PDF for more information on gender and sexual diversity,

053 - Social Media with Dr. Melanie McNally May 31, 2021

Show notes

We are beyond thrilled that we were able to interview Dr. Melanie McNally on this week's episode. She teaches us all about social media - and, seriously, she gave us about 30 different conversations we want to have with our teen girls about this!

The negative effects of social media
- External validation
- Encourages "teenage narcissism"
- Push to curate image
- Linked to loneliness and depression
- Personal call-out culture
- Social comparison
The positive effects of social media
- Possibilities of new, similar friendships
- Increased belonging
- Humor and pro-social fun
- Creativity
- Potential jobs
- Activism
- Exposure to diversity
- Destigmatization of mental health
Encouraging Healthy Social Media Use
- Mindfulness
- Building self-awareness
- Education
- Encourage proactive thinking

Resources:

@drmelaniemcnally
drmelaniemcnally.com
Dr. McNally's Online Support for Teens and Young Adults, destinationyou.net

052- Divorce May 24, 2021

Show notes

This was a requested topic from one of our listeners. It's one we approach with a lot of sensitivity because we know that divorce is messy, complicated, and there's nothing we can say in one episode - or even in 100 episodes! - to make it "better" or even "okay." ⁠ ⁠ HOWEVER, we hope this short but packed-full-of-love episode can at least give you some ideas if your teen is struggling while you are going through a separation or divorce. ⁠

Teens react differently to divorce than younger children
Ideas to help your struggling teen
Red flags to watch for

Resources:

Amy Morin, LCSW, Very Well Family, Effects of Divorce on Teens, https://www.verywellfamily.com/effects-of-divorce-on-teens-2609530
The Good Men Project, 7 Tips to Help Your Teenager Cope with Divorce, https://medium.com/a-parent-is-born/7-tips-to-help-your-teenager-cope-with-divorce-59773adee3ff
Helping Teenagers Adjust After Separation or Divorce, https://raisingchildren.net.au/teens/communicating-relationships/family-relationships/helping-teens-adjust-separation
Carl E. Pickhardt, PhD, Parental Divorce and Adolescents, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/200908/parental-divorce-and-adolescents

051 - Trust May 17, 2021

Show notes

Trust is what holds us together! We need trust to build relationships of all kinds, and we need to be talking with our teens about trust. Tune to learn how to have these conversations.

Defining trust and why it matters
- Trust vs. Trustworthiness
- Trust exists on a continuum
- Trust is not static
- Trust is empowering
- Relationships can't be strong without trust
Fostering trust in relationships
- Factors that contribute to a high-trust relationship
  - Reliability
  - Transparency
  - Sincerity
  - Openness
- Oxytocin and trust
Rebuilding broken trust
- See our Saying Sorry episodes (9 and 10)
- Acknowledge when you have broken trust, give ideas for how to fix it, ask for input
- If your teen has broken your trust, don't say that you can never trust them again. Allow amends to be made.
Trusting wisely
- Ways our brains function that build trust but leave us vulnerable
- Trust cues can be easily faked and used to manipulate
- Rules for developing tempered trust

Resources

Paul J. Zak
- Neuroscience of Trust, https://hbr.org/2017/01/the-neuroscience-of-trust
- 10 Ways to Boost Good Feelings, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-moral-molecule/201311/the-top-10-ways-boost-good-feelings
Roderick M. Kramer, Rethinking Trust, https://hbr.org/2009/06/rethinking-trust
Esther Wojcicki, How to Raise Kids Who Will Grow Into Secure, Trustworthy Adults, https://blog.ed.ted.com/2019/09/16/how-to-raise-kids-who-will-grow-into-secure-trustworthy-adults/
Center for Parenting Education, When Your Teen Breaks Your Trust, https://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/riding-the-waves-of-the-teen-years/when-your-teen-breaks-your-trust/
Dennis Jaffe, The Essential Importance of Trust, https://www.forbes.com/sites/dennisjaffe/2018/12/05/the-essential-importance-of-trust-how-to-build-it-or-restore-it/?sh=5f261f4764fe

050 - College Prep by Year May 10, 2021

Show notes

Confession: I am so completely overwhelmed and stressed out about the college prep process for my Junior. I've already missed a few deadlines. I had SO much anxiety when I applied for my own college as a teen that I shut down, and did not even apply for a single scholarship. Even though I had great grades! Arrrrggghhh! I want to go back in time and give teen Penny a stern talking to. And a hug.⁠ Listen in to get a rundown of what tasks need to be done in which year, starting in 9th grade. If your teen is older than that and you haven't done anything--don't panic. It's okay. We've got you covered. Take a deep breath. Eat some chocolate. And tune in to hear what we've learned.⁠

Middle school - Grade 10
- Get to know yourself - explore your options
- Start saving!
- Develop strong study and time management habits
- Become involved
Junior Year
- Meet with your school counselor or mentor to discuss colleges and their requirements
- Create a master list or calendar with your checklist and the deadlines
- Go to college fairs
- Make an account with Common App
- Register for the ACT/SAT
- Start looking for scholarships
Senior Year
- Update your master list or calendar
- Complete scholarship applications
- Stay involved, seek leadership roles if possible
- Re-take ACT/SAT if needed
- Apply to your chosen colleges
- Ask counselors and teachers to submit the required documents (transcripts, letters of requirement)
- Visit college campuses
- Notify the school of your commitment and submit any required financial deposit

Resources:

www.my529.org
www.studentaid.gov
Dawn Rosenberg McKay, Should I Go to College, www.thebalancecareers.com/should-you-go-to-college-525564
My Future, https://myfuture.com/
College Application Timeline: 12th Grade, https://bigfuture.collegeboard.org/get-in/applying-101/timeline-12-grade

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