This is a podcast for Christian women like you to come take a breather from all the things they need to be doing for their families. Let’s hit the pause button, clear the noise, and shift our focus back on God so that you can find the grace & truth you need to do the work He has for you today.
#017: Standing Firm in Christ in the Battle of Anxiety with Lilah Higgins
Oct 17, 2017
Show notes
Maggie: Hey, hey, welcome back to the Indwelt Women Podcast. Today we have a special guest with us. She is the brain and the creative behind the brand The Higgins Creative, she takes her fine art training into the online space. She works with purpose-driven brands and brings them beautiful and intentional designs. She likes her coffee iced and she enjoys opening her home to the people in need of encouragement. I'm so excited to chat with her today because she is going to share her journey of anxiety and how God's been faithful through it all. Without further ado, please welcome Miss Lilah.Lilah: Hi, Maggie! Thanks so much for having me!Maggie: For sure! Would you introduce yourself a little bit more?Lilah: Yeah! For work, I'm a brand designer. I work with online entrepreneurs - mostly coaches, some lawyers - people who have that kind of influencer... uh... shoot, what's the word I'm looking for. People who are influencers in certain areas.Maggie: Experts and gurus.Lilah: Yeah, experts and gurus. Exactly. People who have a certain niche they're talking to. They provide resources like free resources, downloads and all the way up to coaching programs. So yeah, it's tons of fun. I kind of fell into brand design it wasn't something like "I wanna be a brand designer when I grow up." I had fine art training, kind of my whole childhood. I had a sort of apprenticeship situation with a really skilled teacher and we kinda dove into every sort of fine art medium. So I've done everything but throw on a wheel. I've never had a chance to do that with pottery. But, yeah, besides that, every other medium we've at least touched on and we've learned on and so along with history, concepts and theory behind design. So yeah, I've kinda migrated that to the online world.When my husband and I got married - we married right out of high school - we had babies right away - and I had decided I wanted to work but I didn't know how to make that happen in a way that I could still be home with him and I could still be present as a wife and not have to go to a job. I actually went to trade school for aesthetics and makeup; I worked for 10 months as an aesthetician. I was an employee - I wasn't self-employed and I realized after I left that job that I'd probably never be an employee again. Haha. I was homeschool, my parents had their own business; they had so much freedom in our family life, I've never known how to go to a 9-to-5 and be satisfied.About 10 months ago, we brought my husband on full-time so he helps me with the business and he helps raise the babies and manages the house, which is awesome. It's awesome to live the way we want. Our days are not super structured, the kids go to preschool from 8 to noon, sometimes a little later. We get to work in those times and then when they come home we can just be present parents and do stuff as a family. It's been fun! It's been quite the journey. Right after my son, I had postpartum - he's our oldest. I got pregnant with my daughter quickly after that. The postpartum kinda melted in itself into anxiety. It's something I still struggle with, I've had an awful week actually and I'm like, "oh, great, I have to go talk on a podcast about anxiety." Haha. But yeah, I've been in therapy, I've done different supplements and natural remedies. It's just something I manage, something I live with. My goal is always to not have to get on medication, to not ever let it get so bad that I need the medication, which is inevitable sometimes, but I like to do everything I can to prevent it from happening. So, yeah, that's me in a nutshell, I guess :)Maggie: Cool. I almost went to art school but my dad was like, "um, I'm not spending all this money for you to go to art school." Before we get into your anxiety journey, can we backtrack a little bit - talk about what it was like for you growing up. Did you know about God? What was your relationship when it comes to God?Lilah: Yeah. My parents got married and my dad was Catholic - he grew up in a Catholic church. My mom was a Christian but hadn't really moved into the lifestyle of a Christian, for the lack of a better word.Maggie: Wasn't following.Lilah: Yeah, wasn't following. By the time they finally got married, they had rededicated. My dad had gone to Harvest Crusade, they had rededicated not only their lives but also their marriage to Jesus and follow the Bible. So I've always been in it. My parents would volunteer and be involved in the church for as long as I can remember. My mom and my sister and I have this joke that we can never be a part of anything without actually helping to run it. When we go in, we kinda go all in. My parents have always been involved in ministry in some ways. My dad ran his own business for a while so he was really free to be able to do that and be involved. I think, I don't remember this, but I think I was 5 and I was just sitting on the couch and asked, "what do you have to do to know Jesus?" Or, to be able to walk in it, or can I make it my own and what do I have to do. I remember other times in my life - like, junior high and then high school - where I was like, "okay, is this gonna be my parents' faith and I'm just doing it because I've grown up with it or do I actually wanna make this decision and continue doing it regardless of what my parents say."So I remember 2 times where I kind of made it my own. This is my own faith because this is what I believe. My husband is the same; he's always been in it. His parents were in the church when he was a kid. He didn't really remember the time when he committed to Jesus. So, God got us early. I remember as a kid I was kinda disappointed in that because I was like, "I don't have this cool story where I was in drug, I was sleeping around, I had all this bad stuff but God totally redeemed me.Maggie: Did you have anyone influencing you? I know you were always in church. What made you so reflective and think about your spirituality?Lilah: Yeah, in high school I was really blessed with women who had gotten into my mess. I can think of 5 on top of my head who weren't just, "oh, I'm here if you need to talk." but they were like, "okay, what's going on? You gotta talk to me about this." It really pushed me in my faith and in how I was acting and the way I was living. They really corralled me and helped me to stay on that path that I knew I wanted to be on, but as a young, emotional teenager I wasn't able to stay on by myself. So I had these women in my life who were older - they were moms, they were 40. They weren't my peers but they looked back on that season of life and were able to speak to me in that season of life. It was really really good.And then we got married and moved out of state. I had no one. I had my mom and my sister. But, with your family, it's hard to really find accountability and really get deep because there'e too much ties. So it was a season of... for two to three years after we got married where we had no one. I remember times when we would come home from church and we would just cry on the bathroom floor together because we just felt so alone. Church is supposed to be that place where you go to get connected and get filled and have that mutual family feeling but we just didn't have that for the first couple of years. Finally we made a move within state to a different town and we found our church and our people, so now I have people in my mess all the time. Haha. It was definitely a desert season but I feel like God had that there for a reason because it really bonded us as a couple and us as a family because we were having kids at that time. We were building, structuring this family that we needed to have a core befroe we started to let other people into that. It was good; it was really hard tho.Maggie: Sure. I can't imagine. So you mentioned that you had postpartum anxiety - have you always struggled with anxiety before that?Lilah: It runs in my family, as far back as we can record. So I have always expected it to be there. I probably had anxiety in high school but it hadn't manifested a whole lot. With postpartum... with my son, they tell you, it's your first kid, you don't know what postpartum looks like, just watch out for signs where things are different, how you feel things you don't normally feel, or having thoughts you don't normally have. That type of thing. The first 3 months with my son, I was on air. I was so happy, I was blissful. That was the time where I was the most blissful. It was a struggle for me to accept that we had kids so young. We were trying not to but we accidentally had them twice. People laugh at me. They're like, you know how it happens, right? I'm like, yeah, I know, but I was trying not to. Haha. Maggie: God's timing.Lilah: Yeah. My pregnancy was hard. I was sick every single day up until the day I had my son. By the time I had him, I was so happy I didn't have to be sick. I was so happy to not be pregnant anymore. I had him almost totally naturally. I had a little bit of a pain killer towards the end but I was able to experience all those... the rush of hormones, all those happy feels. So it was about 5 months after I had him. I was like, why do I feel so terrible all of a sudden? It was like a switch flipped. I didn't want to hold him. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to do anything. It took me about a week to realize this is not going away. I remember calling my doula, I was like, "Is this normal? The baby blues is supposed to happen in the first month but this is rough and this is like 5 months after he was born." And she was like, yeah, you can have postpartum 5 months after. So my husband, he was so cute, he made me walk every single day. I literally was held up in the house because I was breastfeeding; I didn't want to go out, I just wanted to stay in a comfy bra and hang out. It was awesome but then I realized, I don't go outside ever. So he made me walk every day, luckily it was in the middle of the summer so we were able to do that. I started taking St. John's Wort and vitamin D because I was just deficient. I honestly think it was part depression that happened after you have kids but the other part was I was so obsessed with him as a human that I was caring for that I just forgot to take care of myself. I remember being thirsty all the time because I was breastfeeding but I just wouldn't caring for myself. So once we started doing that, it took about a month and it started to fade and I was able to function again.But then, after my daughter, fast forward about 18 months, I had her and the anxiety kicked in. It was like obsessive where I was worried about them dying in all these morbid ways. Thoughts were reeling in over and over and over in my head. I finally went to therapy a year ago. We did some reprocessing, we did some EMDR, which is this awesome sciency, techy thing which I won't get into too much. It's really cool because you can equip your old memories and process it with both sides of your brain. And then you reroute the neurons in your brain. So instead of a feeling causing you to act a certain way, you end up rerouting that so that feeling doesn't cause you to act that way. It's really cool so I definitely recommend it if it's something that you feel is needed in your life.We also talked about my expectations for myself and how much stress I put on myself to act a certain way, to be a certain way. So kind of just talking about my whole life and learning about myself, my tendencies and how I can manage that - it's so insightful and so interesting. And I'm kind of a geek when it comes to science type stuff and what's happening to the human bodies. It was half intriguing and half... I really had to work through a lot of stuff. So yeah, that really helped a lot. I still battle with it every day but I'm able... I'm equipped to handle because I have an arsenal of tools, whether it's meditation or songs I can repeat over and over, Scriptures I can memorize, different things I can eat that will help... all of that together helps me manage it so I'm able to function. Maggie: So you mentioned you started going to therapy last year - how old was your daughter at this point?Lilah: She would've been 2.5.Maggie: So you walked through anxiety for 2.5 years after your daughter was born.Lilah: Yeah, it took me a while to acknowledge it. But yeah, I think it was from the time she was born.Maggie: Were you in denial? Or were you just not aware that this was happening to you?Lilah: Um... I think I was not aware. I think I... I mean, my kids are 18 months apart. I had an 18-month-old and a newborn at one point. People ask me, how did you get through it? I'm like, I don't know. It's all such a blur, it was like, let's just get through the day and so to be able to take a look at myself and acknowledge that I wasn't feeling the ways that I should, I didn't have time or the energy to do that. It wasn't denial, I just didn't have time for this right now. Can we just get through the day and try to make some sort of resemblance of a sleep schedule so I can function physcially. Haha.Maggie: Haha. Yeah. My boys are 19 months apart so, yeah, I totally get what you're saying!Lilah: Yeah, you get it. It's rough. You just, I don't know, you just push through. I have friends who have kids that are 12 months apart, you just get through the day. Make sure everyone lives, make sure everyone eats and you just do what you have to do to survive for that season.Maggie: Yup. I don't care about mismatched socks, I don't care about messy hair, as long as they survive, I'm okay. Haha.Lilah: Haha, yup, and they know that they're loved.Maggie: Yup! Haha. So, tell me about your relationship with God as you walk through this anxiety journey. Lilah: Um, my whole lifelong relationship with God always has this same theme where when I'm feeling vulnerable, when I'm feeling scared, I tend to push God away. Not in a you're-not-real or you're-not-there kind of way, but in a God-I-know-you're-gonna-handle-this-but-I-don't-wanna-feel-what's-going-on right now. Like, "I don't want to have a relationship where I have to be open and honest with you; You're the Lord, I'll let you do your thing. Just let me not feel what's going on." So that's kind of been my whole life. Like, "I trust You to take care of me. I trust You to take care of me. I know You have my good in mind. But I don't wanna open up and look at You as a Father and give You that part of my heart that hurts and groans."That's where He's always calling out of me. He's always like, "I need that part, too. I need you to tell me this is hard. I need you to let me know how you're feeling. Don't bottle it up for me. Don't just say 'I trust You, it's fine. Do what You want.'" But actually have that raw open relationship where I don't know what it's gonna happen. That kind of defines my whole relationship with God. I know He's big. I know He can handle this but don't take my heart, don't make it hurt. That's kinda where I struggle to give Him. And the times that I do, there's so much reward and so much grace and peace. I experience that but it's so hard for me. Like, can't we just be this side-by-side-buddies? Do we really have to look at each other and feel all the feels. Can w…
#016: Hard is Not the Same Thing as Bad with Abbie (M is for Mama): Finding Joy in the Midst of Motherhood
Oct 13, 2017
Show notes
Maggie: Hey, welcome back to the Indwelt Women Podcast. This is Maggie Baker - we have a special guest with us today. She is the gal behind the blog M is For Mama. She is a wife; she's a mom. She loves color; she loves to decorate and she is the co-owner of the shop Paint and Prose. I have brought her on today to talk all things Jesus and motherhood. Let's welcome Miss Abbie.Abbie: Hi there!Maggie: Hello! Thank you so much for spending time with us this morning!Abbie: I'm excited to be here.Maggie: Yay! For those of us that may not be familiar with you, can you introduce yourself a little bit more?Abbie: Okay, so my name is Abbie - we've already covered that, obviously. I'm a mom of 7 - well, mama, everyone calls me mama. I have an 11 1/2-year-old, a nine-year-old that will be 10 in November, so they're 18 months and 3 days apart. And then the 6-year-old will be seven in November - they are three years and 6 days apart so we're big on those really even increments for a while there and then I have almost a 5-year-old twins - they'll be 5 in 3 weeks. They are identical twin girls and I have a 2.5-year-old and I have a 7.5-month-old in the house.I don't know what bored is :) I haven't seen anything resembling bored or boredom for a long time and I'm good with that. If you had told me that I was gonna be a mama to seven kids 20 years ago, I don't think I would've fallen over it in shock; I just kinda could've cocked my head to the side and been like, "Huh! Okay." Because I certainly wasn't opposed to having children and I definitely had an idea my head always that the Lord is in charge of how many children I would have. But the concrete number of seven would have been really overwhelming.So, thank the Lord He only gives them to you one at a time, or in my case, 2 sometimes. But you can kinda do that in a gradual way. So the last 11.5 years have been lots of babies.I'm not a crunchy granola mommy type, but I enjoy certain aspects of that like clean eating. Right now I'm doing a challenge called Whole 30 with my best friend Lindsey. I've had all but one of my babies at home, the first one was at the hospital - not a bad experience at all - but I just discovered very quickly that I'm super independent and I don't like people checking on me, I don't like IVs in my arms at all, I don't like the hospital bed and I've just always been a healthy person so I hadn't spent any time in the hospital before so it's kind of a drawing experience so I decided to check out home birth.So I had all my kids from then on at home, including my twins which was my best birth ever. I'm a fitness instructor. I have been for 10 years now - well, almost, 9 years. Nope, nope, 10, I was 5 months pregnant with my second when I started teaching fitness classes. So I love fitness; I grew up playing every sport that was practically available in East Texas which is where I live. So no lacrosse, no water polo, nothing fancy like that. But lots of soccer, softball, and basketball, pick up games and tennis and stuff like that. And I still really love to move.I love color. I love to decorate. I love frugality so I'm never gonna buy anything very expensive; I'm always going to cross-reference everything, it's probably gonna come from a thrift store or the extra 60% off clearance rack or whatever. That's a thrill for me; I enjoy looking for treasures and finding really great deals knowing that the room I put together is peaceful and enjoyable and pretty but it also didn't cost me a lot of money.So I guess another thing to know would be that we're actually finishing up our second DIY house. My husband is a computer programmer but he also is a very talented builder. People a lot of times are like, whoa, those don't usually go together; usually it's computers and do software. He grew up with a dad who had a construction company; he kinda taught him how to build. He and his dad are a dynamic duo. They could honestly do more than what I've seen crews of men can do in a whole week. They really work well together with the way they work. So that's kind of been our big baby for the last two years other than the real babies. We homeschool. We have a homeschool co-op we go to one day a week, and my mom actually comes in and helps homeschool two days a week, which is amazing. She is incredible and I'm so blessed to have her close by; she's my best friends. So everybody down to the twins homeschool at this point. So that's kind of like a nutshell although not a very small nutshell. That's a lot of information about me.Maggie: I love it. Sounds like there's a lot going on so how do you navigate motherhood through all that when you still have a really small baby at home?Abbie: You know, as much as I've got going on, most of it is centered around my home. I don't go to MOPS, I don't go to Bible studies - I'm not opposed to them but I don't attend any at this point. We have a very consistent routine so I teach fitness classes in the afternoons.My oldest three go to my mom's house - I told you she's amazing - every Thursday night after she homeschools them during the day. They ride home with her and sleep there and then we have dinner at my in-laws' house with my mom and my sister-in-law and brother and their two kids. Saturdays are usually spent working on the house; Sundays are major days of rest, we go to church and then we spend all day together as a family.So we do a lot together and I've trained my children to help a lot. I don't fold and put away laundry, ever. I don't do morning dishes, I don't scrub a lot of toilets because at this point with an 11-year-old, a 9-year-old and a six-year-old, and even the 5-year-olds, they do a lot of the picking-up and helping, so I guess my answer to that would be routine and keeping it close to home, kind of making the main thing the main thing, if that makes sense.Maggie: Yeah, totally! I have a question to follow up: how do you train up your kids to help you? I'm assuming starting from a young age, right?Abbie: Yes, on the one hand I love the effects of training; on the other hand I kind of despise the process like the very beginning part where they literally can't do anything. It is so grueling, you desperately want to be just kind of pointing at something and saying "you know you can see it" but they are so little they really can't just pick it up.But I have seen firsthand how sticking with this in that area pays off now. You know, it's a process but it's just about being consistent.Maggie: When you mentioned that you don't go to MOPS and you don't go to Bible study - and I'm pretty sure that's the case for a lot of moms out there - but they still desire to connect with God and they still need to draw near to Him so do you have any tips on how to still be in God's word in the midst of motherhood?Abbie: So I think I posted about this the other day on Instagram and people were just like "yes, amen!": If you wake up early, they will wake up early - and it does not matter how many times they sleep till seven (I have early risers; they rarely get past 6:30, which is okay. But if it's 5:30 - not okay - they have to go back to bed.)Let's say that they sleep till seven miraculously for a week. The very moment I think "yes, they're trained to sleep till seven." I will wake up at 5:45 and they will wake up at 5:43 - they just will! I don't know if that's Satan or if that's the Lord sanctifying you or if it's a combination of His allowing or what.But I will say that family Bible-reading is our jam. Gather every morning and we read from OneYearBibleOnline.org (they also have physical Bibles if you prefer that); we have a prayer time and everybody that talks has to pray. It doesn't have to be complicated. It could be "Thank you, Jesus, for today; help us not to fuss or fight."- that's usually how the four-year-olds pray. I do get Bible-reading to myself as much as I can. I work with girlfriends on memorizing verses together; I work with my kids on memorizing verses. I try to snatch moments throughout the day; I was just listening to an audio version of the Bible while I was doing dishes this morning - but the main way we get a large chunk of God's word is when we do it as a family.Maggie: How do you keep the young toddlers busy while you're reading the Bible? Or trying to keep them not to rip them apart?Abbie: Right. So the twins are almost 5; for about a year they have been required to sit still and listen without any toys. And I think there's a lot that goes on with motherhood in terms of we psych ourselves out. We think they can't, they're hyper, they can't sit still, this is not gonna happen. The first week of trying to make it happen feels like war and not worth it. I'm sure the last seven days of Bible-reading time may have felt like a joke, like what am I even doing here? I could hardly get the words out.Yet there are always seems to be this shift of almost... not magical but spiritual maybe. You just keep praying through it and there's a shift and one day they do better and then the next day they do better after that. So they are required to sit still. The 2-year-old can play with toys quietly on the rug; if you can't be quiet you have to sit on my lap which is actually way less fun for me than it is for them. Haha. And then you know the baby is either asleep or playing. So I would say just starting early and pushing through those days when it feels like "why am I doing this?!"Maggie: Yeah! And in that post, you also mentioned joy because you were getting frustrated that you wanted to have a quiet time but then your babies woke up and so how do you stay joyous when life is just crazy with little ones?Abbie: Well, I don't... sometimes... for sure. I'm not gonna claim that I always feel joyful. And I can definitely tell where something is affecting me more than others - sometimes it's just hormonal. Sometimes when hormones are crazy and I can tell that normally this wouldn't bother me but right now it is. Even knowing that, recognizing that like, "you know what, I'm a little bit off right now." It's not necessarily just giving yourself grace but being intentional like, stop, take deep breaths, go outside and stand on the porch, stop doing the thing that's not working and do something else instead that brings joy. Move around. Wiggle it out. Whatever it takes to get yourself back to a moment where you have the perspective which is these children are incredible blessings from the Lord; they may be driving you bonkers right now but that's only right now. Ultimately there's no place I would rather be. So just reminding yourself of the truth over and over again and then asking the Holy Spirit to do that too.Maggie: That reminds me of the hashtag you use pretty often that is "hard is not the same as bad" - is there a story behind that? How did you arrive at this understanding that just because it's hard doesn't mean it's bad?Abbie: Right. I don't feel like my life is hard. I think probably a lot of people think that my life must be hard because there are a lot of children involved, but I have food, I have children that love me, I have a husband that loves me, I live in a free country - I don't have any imminent danger or persecution. We read a lot of Voice of the Martyrs, which if you are not familiar with it, it is an incredible organization that reaches out to Christians that are suffering and persecuted all over the world.It's such a huge perspective changer. These women that are forgiving their captors; they're forgiving people who attacked them, who took their husbands away and killed their children. I mean, you just come back to, I'm sorry but this temper tantrum is just really not that bad.In this moment I may feel emotionally overcome, I may feel like I can't do this anymore, but a big dose of perspective when you step back and say, "Really? I can't handle a 2-year-old tantrum? Then how the world is the Lord ever going to, you know, entrust me with something that is truly great?" You know? I think of the parable of the talents: what you are entrusted with and what you're going to do with it. The more gold you have the more responsibility. And so I think probably the first time I said it was with my best friend Lindsey. We were walking the trails and we're talking about stuff - she has an autistic daughter and I was having twins that were just melting down every day in the car, just screaming, literally; they had a hard time for almost 2 years. Every car ride - we drive every day because I teach almost every afternoon. We drove for 30 minutes one-way and so for an hour every day I was getting screamed at. I remember just thinking, "Lord, my nerves are so shredded right now by this. But it actually isn't that bad. I can tell you're shaping me in this." And I remember saying words like, you know, people say how things are hard all the time but hard is not the same thing as bad. And I stopped and I heard myself say that and I thought, "well, that's basic." But I needed to remind myself of that constantly. And apparently, other people need the reminder too because it's probably one of the most resonant things that people tell me that I say.Maggie: Yeah, I saw that quote and I was like, "yep! That is so true!" Just this week especially, it's been hard for me with whiny kids and a needy dog. I was just like, "Oh my Gosh, I can't handle this!" But hard is not the same thing as bad! There's so much worse going on out there this is just peanuts. So, how has motherhood sanctified you in the last 11 years of mothering?Abbie: Oh my goodness. I don't think that I wouldn't necessarily think of myself as a super selfish person. Well, we don't tend to think of ourselves in that way, so pretty much everybody would say that, but it has put up a mirror to my self-centeredness like nothing else.I didn't grow up with a lot; we were pretty poor. My dad had to work 13-hour days and my mom didn't work; she actually homeschooled us. So to be able to do that we just didn't eat out, we didn't do fancy thing ever really. I didn't feel deprived growing up at all but I felt grounded. You know, I'm not like, "Hey, you know, I don't expect much. I'm not a fancy person. I'm not an entitled person."But then you have children and you realize just how entitled you are because you think you're entitled to... you know, just like what I was talking about the other day, and that's 11.5 years in - you think you're entitled to a quiet time. Or, you think you're entitled to a little bit of space, "stop pulling on me", "stop pulling my hair", "would you just nurse the normal way, you crazy baby"But honestly we have no rights as Christians; we are not entitled to anything. Our model is Christ, who being in the very nature of God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped but he laid his life down for us and took on a horrible death. And so when you look at that model, we see Jesus wrapping a towel on his waist and washing his disciples' feet which is the lowliest job and accepting people who were lowly and despised.And so I knew all of that, you know, head knowledge but it wasn't until I had kids and found myself frustrated with them when they didn…
#015: 8 Ways to Pursue Your Husband in the Bedroom
Oct 09, 2017
Show notes
Disclosure: Some of the links on this site may be affiliated which means I earn a commission at no cost to you should you make a purchase via the link. All opinions are 100% my own.
Men like sex. Period. I'm not stereotyping them. It's how they're wired. (If you want to read more into this subject, I recommend For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. It helped me understand how Grant is wired.) So if you want to pursue your husband, you can't neglect his needs in the bedroom.
PS I talked about the deeper reason why your husband craves sexual intimacy with you in the last episode, listen/read here.
Why is it important to pursue your husband in the bedroom?
1) To Protect Your Husband from Falling into Temptations
Sexual sin goes from committing adultery to having sexual thoughts about someone you're not married to. While committing sexual sins (like all sins) is one's choice and thus it is his/her responsibility, you as a wife can help your husband tremendously from falling into temptation. For my own marriage, Grant has told me that if we've been so busy we haven't been intimate for a certain amount of time, while he hasn't fallen into sin (thank God, seriously), he does notice the temptations around him more. When a man is satisfied from within his marriage, his eyes are less likely to wander looking for a way to satisfy his hunger outside of his marriage.
Disclaimer: I've said this before but I will say it again: it is ultimately your husband's responsibility to resist temptation. It is not your job to keep him from falling into sin, however, you can help him significantly in his resistance. You can help him stand even stronger in the face of temptations.
So I encourage you to have an honest discussion with your husband about this. The goal of the conversation is to find out how you as his wife can help protect him from temptations. Be openhearted and ask for God to prepare your heart. Ask him questions like:
- Has there been a time when you feel more vulnerable to sexual temptations? Why? - What can I do to help you resist the devil in this are? - Are you satisfied with the frequency of sex? Do you want more? - What makes you happy in the bedroom? - What turns you on? What turns you off?
2) To Protect Your Marriage
Protecting your husband from falling into temptations can protect your marriage. In addition, it protects your marriage by maintaining your oneness.
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
— Genesis 2:24
As soon as you both say "I do", you are ONE. Your oneness in marriage can be manifested in different ways, one of which is sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy strengthens the bond you have as one unit; it builds a hedge up against outside threats.
This "hedge" takes regular upkeep, otherwise it will become weak and lose its protection. How does your hedge look like? Has it been neglected? Or is it nice and strong? Can you do a mental count of how many times you have been intimate the last month? Can you say with confidence that your hedge is strong?
8 Ways to Pursue Your Husband in the Bedroom
I know that you're dead tired after pouring everything out during the day. But you might be surprised there are little things you can do that will bring sexy back.
Undergarment Audit - conduct a quick undergarment audit. Throw away bras or underwear that are old or have holes in them. Ditch the ones that the wires are poking out or the elastics have loosened. Then, ask your husband what kind of underwear he likes to see you in and go buy those.
Put That Lingerie On - most men are visually-charged. Putting a lingerie on will heat up the room quickly. (A word of caution: if you purchase lingerie online, make sure they don't mail you catalogs. This will protect your husband from looking at things he'd rather not see.)
Ditch the PJs - let's be honest - is there really a need for pajamas in the marriage bed? If you don't have kids, take advantage of this alone space you have and sleep in your birthday suit. This can be hard to do if you have kids who like to sneak into the bed with you. BUT, can you keep your sleepwear as minimalist as possible?
Play A Sexy Game - play a quick game that heat things up. Is there a quick video game you can both play? Whoever loses will take a piece of clothing off. Or you can play 20 questions - whoever loses will also take some clothes off. Dating Divas has some saucy ideas.
Create One-on-One Opportunities - can you arrange a surprise in-home date night? Or perhaps a one-night staycation at a nearby hotel? Or, if you stay at home, maybe your husband can come home for lunch when all the kids are in school or napping? Keep your eyes out and look for ways to spend time alone with your husband.
Afternoon Pick-Me-Up - Do you need to freshen up your hair? Do you need some energy bars to keep that energy up? Or maybe you need 10 minutes soaking in a bubble bath to recharge physically and mentally. Figure out what you need to feel rejuvenated and ready to connect with your husband, and go do it. If you need his help to make it happen, talk to him, ask him for help. When he understands your motives (or what it could lead to), I'm sure he'd be glad to help you.
Love Him Outside of the Bedroom - some of the quickest ways to turn your husband on are done outside of the bedroom. Love him through his love language, show him respect, speak encouragement into his life, ditch the nagging, etc. When you love him well outside of the bedroom, the sparks inside the bedroom will shine even brighter.
Ask Him - At the end of the day, you don't know what truly turns him on until you ask him. I encourage you to ask him using the questions I mentioned earlier in this post. Or, download a free copy of Nurture Your Marriage: 56 Meaningful Questions to Ask Your Husband. It facilitates an open conversation with your husband about various topics, one of which is sexual intimacy. Many wives, whether they are newlyweds or have been married for 10+ years, have benefited from this free resource.
#014: Your Husband's Deeper Need Behind Bedroom Fun
Oct 05, 2017
Show notes
The media portrays men as sexual animals out looking for fun. But there's actually something much deeper than that and if we don't realize that we might even be harming our marriages without knowing it.
Ladies, do you long for that deep emotional connection with your husbands? You wanna talk to him for hours; you want to share your heart with him and him with you. You feel so loved when you have that emotional connection.
Well, that longing you have for emotional connection? That is how your husband desires sexual intimacy with you. Not just because it's fun, but because he feels respected this way.
In the book Love & Respect, Dr. Eggerichs explained how men feel respected through intimacy:
Sex is symbolic of his deeper need - respect. By way of analogy, a wife needs emotional release through talking. When that need is met, she feels loved. When a man refuses to talk, that symbolizes to her that he does not love her or care about her need. A husband has a need for physical release through sexual intimacy. When a wife refuses, that symbolizes to him that she does not care about him and does not respect him and his need.
— Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Your husband's need for intimacy is not just for fun. It fulfills the deeper need he's wired for - respect.
Respect is a Verb
Before reading this book, I thought respect was just a feeling or a thought you have. Do I respect my husband? He's a hard-worker, a natural leader - of course, I respect him!
But Scripture says, "Let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Ephesians 5:33)
We can't just keep respect in our minds. God has asked us to SHOW our husbands respect. As Dr. Eggerichs has pointed out, respect can be shown in the bedroom. As wives, we have a choice whether or not we honor that.
Rejection, Rejection, Rejection
Have you seen Inside Out? I was watching it with my family the other day and there was this short clip after the movie had ended.
In the clip, it showed Riley's parents sharing a kiss. Inside the dad's head, the emotions were excited about this affectionate contact and were anticipating more to come out of it. However, inside the mom's head, the emotions, even though they took a moment to appreciate this kiss, they were satisfied with just the kiss and quickly moved on to other things.
This clip made me sad because this is not uncommon for marriages nowadays.
Having been together for at least 12 years, Riley's mom had got to know what the dad wanted. But she ignored his needs and moved on to other things without even giving it a second thought!
So my question is: are we like Riley's mom sometimes?
Do we neglect your husband's needs for intimacy because we have "better" things to do? Because we're too tired? Because we don't "feel" like it?
In Dr. Eggerichs' book, he goes on to say:
A wife also needs to think about how unfair it is to say to her husband, “Have eyes only for me,” and continually turn him down when he approaches her sexually. As a wife, you spell respect to your husband when you appreciate his sexual desire for you.
— Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
When you fulfill your husband's needs for intimacy, you are also playing a major role in helping him resist temptations.
The Scripture says this about the wife's part in sexual intimacy:
For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
— 1 Corinthians 7:4-5
Wives, please do not deprive your husband. Love him sacrificially by fulfilling his sexual desire. I know it is not easy. The struggle is real when you're just dead tired at the end of the day; when you feel like you will explode if another person touches you one more time.
But you are called to show respect to your husband. One really practical and effective way is by pleasing him in the bedroom.
Disclaimer: this call to fulfill his need for intimacy does NOT give him permission to sexually abuse you. Sexual abuse is a sin and should not be tolerated. If you are experiencing sexual abuse, please seek help from your church leaders.
It's a Two-Way Street
Some of you may be thinking, "Maggie, you have no idea what my husband is like. He doesn't show love to me so why would I give him what he wants?"
You're right in saying that I don't know your situation. I don't know what your relationship has been like but I do know no one will win if you keep this mentality. You both don't get what you want, you both lose. This will put your marriage at a dangerous spot.
Your call of duty is to meet his sexual needs to show him respect and, through giving him sexual release, you are helping him significantly in resisting sexual temptations.
By meeting his needs, you might even start a chain reaction:
You pleasing him in the bedroom, motivating him to show you love more; you feeling more loved and therefore less likely to turn him down when he initiates in the bedroom. Him being even more satisfied, shows you love outside of the bedroom. And the cycle goes on and on.
Friend, your husband does not initiate simply because it's fun, there's so much more going on deep down in his soul. Will you be a wife who loves your husband with your heart and body? Will you show him respect through sexual intimacy?
Are you thirsty to learn more about being a godly wife? Learn from the Scripture with our FREE mini Bible study: The Noble Wife Bible Study!
#013: How to Live a Minimalistic Momlife with Allie Casazza
Oct 02, 2017
Show notes
Maggie: Hello, welcome back to the Indwelt Women Podcast and this is Maggie Baker. I am super super super excited to have our guest on today. I have been having a girl crush on her from afar for quite a while now and I just love what she does: she is an expert when it comes to living simply but also on purpose - that is something that I believe we all need but we don't know how to actually make it happen and so I'm so excited to have her on today so she can share her wisdom and tips and tools on how to make it happen. Without further ado, let's welcome Miss Allie!Allie: Hi! Thank you so much for having me!Maggie: I'm super excited to have you on! Can you introduce yourself a little bit?Allie: Sure! My name is Allie Casazza, I say it in every interview because most people don't know how to say this weird Italian last name. I am married - I just celebrated 10 years of marriage with my husband.Maggie: Congratulations!Allie: Thank you! We met in junior high school so I have known him most of my life; we have four kids: my only daughter Bella, 8, my son Leland, 6, Hudson is 5, and Emmett, another boy, he is about to turn three. He is my Halloween baby. At the time of this recording, he's gonna be 3 in about a month. That's my family.I work from home, I run my blog, my business, AllieCasazza.com - I'm the creator of Your Uncluttered Home which is a decluttering course; I am the co-host of The Purposeful Home Podcast. There's a lot that I've kinda got my hand in from the business world but really what I'm most known for is just my philosophy of minimalism as it relates to mothers.Minimalism has become a trend over the last few years - the last two years I'd say - and it's funny because it's been a part of my life for about five or six years now. But the reason it's become such a the trend and it's funny because most of the leaders in the minimalist niche are single, no kids, not married, and it's just so funny to me - I'm grateful that they're spreading this message but it's funny because you can tell the way they deliver the message and the way they teach it is like you don't have anyone making messes in your house. It's easy to be a minimalist when you only have one dog. It is such a gift for moms to just quiet the clutter and focus on the family. I believe that a lot of moms need minimalism more than anybody in this earth. And it's funny because a lot of people will approach me and say something like, "It's such an oxymoron - minimalist in motherhood? That's impossible." for people People who think that tend to have the wrong idea about what minimalism really is and what it's about. It is just my passion; it is such a gift for moms to just quiet the clutter and focus on the family so that's what I do, that's the main blood flow.Maggie: I love it so you kinda brought up - it's been a trendy thing to go minimalistic and all that. For us Christ followers, why should we pay attention to that? Is it biblical?Allie: Yeah, absolutely! I actually pulled a couple of verses up that I wanted to refer your listeners to. Minimalism is biblical. One of my blog post - which has just gone super viral, which I'm so grateful that it did because the message really needs to be heard, I think.There's a lot about stuff in the Bible and it's funny because it's one of those topics that I don't think anybody is really paying attention to that or maybe they're not looking for it, especially in America. There's just this culture of "all the things", "more stuff", "bigger houses and storage facilities" making over $1 billion per year. Our houses are so large; I drove the other day and it's funny because I was actually looking because I have a thousand kids and I need a big house like that but I was driving around and saw the signs for these upcoming houses, starting at whatever price that's way too much because I live in Southern California. It was like 6 to 9-bedroom houses and I just thought, okay, six is a lot; that's probably the biggest I would ever do and I would probably be miserable because I like smaller spaces. But 9 bedrooms?! I could adopt two families the same size as mine and feel very overwhelmed by that much space. Our homes are getting bigger. Everything is growing and expanding and now we have storage facilities and it's just like so much and there's actually a lot in the Bible on this topic.Specifically, in Luke, there are several verses. One of them always sticks out to me, it's Luke 12:15: "Take care, be on your guard against all covetousness. For one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."I think that may be the new international translation, I'm not sure but I love this translation. It says the word abundance in there too. Because if you're familiar with all of my site, I use that word a lot.We are called to an abundant life and I think a lot of the times women tend to think that motherhood is the exception to that. That it's all about servitude and not doing what you want to do, not taking care of yourself and giving your kids the gift of everything. The Bible says very clearly your life does not consist in the abundance of how much stuff you have, how big your house is, how much you fill the walls.Also in Luke 12, "Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."That's just 2 verses - there are several that are close to my heart all the time for when I'm speaking on this topic but even just those two - that's incredibly straightforward talking about stuff, talking about our heart as it relates to staff. And so for me, minimalism is much much much much less about having white walls, succulent on my countertops and one IKEA couch and we mostly sit on the floor with our legs crossed.It's not that stereotype minimalist, the popular view of minimalism that we mentioned earlier with no real reason for minimalism. But for us, oh my gosh, it's just about this gift of an abundant life, a life focused on the people you love and the people you serve and the people that are close to you and your home and in the outside world, too. Focusing on experiences with them instead of things.Every single thing in your home takes something from you. I feel like the Scriptures I just read are so very pointed and obvious that Jesus did speak to us about this and it's easily overlooked because it feels unimportant, especially in America; but it is important, it does matter, it is biblical. We are called to be un-tied to our earthly possessions.Maggie: For sure. I love it. it's so true and a lot of times when we keep pursuing stuff we get clouded by those things and we can't really see God Himself, we can't really be available and present to do what He wants us to do. When we keep pursuing stuff we get clouded by those things and we can’t really see God Himself, we can’t really be available and present to do what He wants us to do. Allie: Absolutely, you know, I think if you have kids and have people in your house, you're gonna have clothes that need to be washed, dishes to be loaded in the dishwasher. These things they're never going to end but how much more do we create for ourselves just by having an abundance of stuff we don't need and then that's more picking up, more putting away, more dusting or organizing; a weekend spent catching up and organizing the toy room again or whatever.It's a needless task you're always doing again; that's time we could be spending in his presence, that's time we could be pouring into our kids. We don't get a lot of weekends with our kids so we could be out doing something; it's money saved; it's time spared; no more cleaning up after this life that you wish you were actually living.Maggie: That is so true. So, we want to declutter and all that but if we truly want to keep it decluttered, I think we really need to tackle the root issue. Do you see why we've become such a culture of acquiring more and more and more and more and more?Allie: Yeah, I think about this a lot because I deal every day with women who have chronic issues with collecting things and having a hard time letting go. I feel like it just keeps stacking onto itself - the idea of keeping up with the Joneses and another thing I see is people coping with life with their stuff.Maybe you came from a poor family and so it makes you feel very safe when you shop, when you have money to burn, money to spare, or maybe you don't but you would act like you do. Anyways it makes you feel safe somehow. I mean we can get into that all day but I think that there's a lot of heart issues that are leading us to be very overwhelmed with our stuff; sometimes it's keeping up with the Joneses, sometimes it's dealing with some insecurities from your past or your present time, sometimes just filling the void that you know is only God shaped and there's a lot of issues but basically I do feel like it stems from different kinds of heart issues. Everyone is different but it's usually something like that.Maggie: When it comes to getting rid of stuff, what are the common problem areas that you see in a cluttered home?Allie: Toys, kids stuff; I think moms feel guilty limiting that. A lot of women I speak with will say things like, "well, it's not mine, it's theirs." But you're the mom and you bought them. Or you got them from someone else or whatever the situation is.You're not scarring your kids by limiting their toys. I encourage everyone listening to research this for themselves. There was this German study that was done - there have been many many scientific studies done on children and toys - and every single one repeatedly points to the fact that kids play much better with less options. They getting overstimulated and overwhelmed.And so find nothing but freedom in letting go of your kids' toys, you're doing them - and yourself - a huge favor. So that's one area that is usually pretty over cluttered and very difficult for people to work through.And then I would say the other two is just the day-to-day things like laundry and dishes. It never ends because you have set up a home in which it can never end again. Now you're always gonna have to wash things because you have a family, but the fact is less clothes is less likelihood of you getting this massive amount of laundry you have to spend the weekend catching up on. Simplifying the dishes and not having four spare sets in your main cupboard so it doesn't continue to add to the pile of dirty dishes. Simplifying that eliminates it so that you're just doing your normal routine, rinsing the dishes at the end of the day. There's a lot of control we have, I think we can act like martyrs sometimes. "Oh, it just never ends!" Well, it won't ever end but you can definitely take it into your own hands and make it a lot simpler for yourself.Maggie: Yeah, definitely. And you kinda mentioned it but can you elaborate a little more on the practical tips on how to tackle these areas and keep them uncluttered for good so that they don't keep coming back?Allie: Yeah, I think there're a few different key questions that I usually give people in specific areas. But just more in general, I think it really helps... well, first of all, I just want to say I'm not a fan of the whole "does this spark joy" thing. I feel like, again while I'm so glad that any voice for minimalism is a positive voice, I feel like that doesn't really get to the root issue. It also brings up a lot of issues like, okay, well this screwdriver does not spark joy but I need it to fix things. I think it's just not really a problem solver; I think it avoids the heart especially as a Christian woman. It avoids dealing with these verses are saying. I think we need to look at the heart and pull out that root.So for me, usually asking my students things like "when was the last time that you remembered using it?" More often than not, it's like crickets because they don't remember. If you can't remember it's probably been a while. It's kinda like an eye-opening kind of realization of putting it in perspective.And then "does this item help me live a purposeful simplified life?" My journal that I keep in my purse? Yes, I jot down ideas when they come to me; it helps me run my business on the go - absolutely. The 35 T-shirts in my drawer? No, I can definitely pare back there. Does this item help me live a purposeful simplified life? If you don't mind, I would love to go over a couple of key points for dishes and laundry, just to help them get started.Maggie: Please, go ahead.Allie: Yeah, it's just because everybody struggles with those; it's such, like, constant.Maggie: Yes! And the thing is, for me, I was not taught how to do homemaking, how to organize, and so I get so overwhelmed and so yeah I would love your wisdom and tips and tools.Allie: Yeah, absolutely! And that's a great place to start, too, because with either of those areas - laundry, dishes, and toys are the top three areas where you're going to see an immediate difference and an immediate return on your investment of time because you use those things and they interact with you day-to-day, so it's easy to be like, "oh, I really notice I have more time this week!"So, for dishes, I did touch on it a little bit before but think about where you keep your plates and your bowls - your basic eating-ware - usually it's in one cabinet in your kitchen and it's all kind of together, like you're setting up your kitchen and all the plates go together and all the bowls above that, they all kind of stay together.But usually people have many different sets of dishes and bowls - I don't know why, almost everyone, I think I had one person when I used to clients and she was the only person that I've ever interacted with that didn't have multiple sets of spare dishes. I don't know why but we all have extra dishes. And it's so funny, you have four people in your house why do you have 12 dishes? Are you hosting elaborate parties that are not paper plate status all the time? It's funny most people have multiple sets of dishes, so what happens when you have your kitchen organized where they are all in one cabinet is: science shows this - it's very interesting to read about this, too, so maybe this is something you guys can back to and Google - but human beings always opt for the path of least resistance. So If somebody needs a clean dish in your house, no matter how many freshly rinsed, totally fine usable plates are next to the sink, they're going to reach into the cupboard for a fresh one because they know it's clean and it's just right there. This is how you end up with that massive pile of dishes at the end of every day and you're like "how does this happen? We only ate one meal here today! What the heck?!"That's how it happens: it adds up every snack, every cup of coffee, you know, another afternoon cup of coffee, another drink of water, "I forgot which glasses I used last night, I'll just get another one." It adds up and up and up. So, get rid of the spare dishes - you don't need them. If you are in some situation where you do need them like you host a weekly gath…
#012: 20 Ways to Pursue Your Husband (And Keep the Sparks Alive!)
Sep 28, 2017
Show notes
I've shared before why we should pursue our husbands even more so than when we were dating.
Today, I wanna give you practical ideas on how to pursue your husband and keep the sparks alive.
PS Some of these links may be affiliated which means I earn a commission at no cost to you should you make a purchase via the link. All opinions are 100% my own.
1) Put your pointing finger down. You can't pursue your husband if you're too busy pointing out his flaws.
2) Lay yourself down. This is about you pursuing your husband as his wife, not about how well he's doing pursuing you. Your marriage will not grow if you're always keeping score.
3) Pray. Pray for God to help you, to open your eyes to see him how God sees him.
4) Find out what his love language is and speak it at least once a week.
5) Thank him - for his leadership, his sacrifices, his love and service.
6) Encourage him. He needs reminders from you (whose opinion he values a lot) that he's doing a great job and on the right track. I have a fun freebie for you right here if you need help with some encouraging verbiage.
7) Study him. You can't pursue him if you don't know anything about him. Observe him, ask questions, learn a new thing about him every month. For starters, I have some questions typed up for you so you can ask meaningful questions and learn more about him. Download it for free here.
8) Do things with him. Men and women bond very differently. Women bond over conversations while men bond over doing things together. Find something that he enjoys doing and do it with him - with a joyful heart.
9) Laugh with him. Think about how fun it was to laugh with him when you were dating. Do something that's fun for both of you - watch movies, play board games, people-watching, surf Pinterest (I have a board on Pinterest just for funny things, check it out here), whatever.
10) Serve him. How can you make his day easier? Take care of a chore he hates? Stock his favorite beer? Give him a massage? Pursue him through acts of service.
11) Love his family. Is there someone on his side of family you can love on? It can be as simple as making a phone call and catching up with them. Or it could be sending them a care package. His family makes up a big part of who he is, you can show your appreciation to your husband through loving the people who brought him up.
12) Give him grace. While we all want our husbands to lead well, they are not perfect. They fall, they mess up, they make stupid mistakes. But because of Jesus, there's grace for that. Give him the grace he needs and make your marriage a safe place he can be vulnerable in.
13) Initiate in the bedroom. Men and women are wired differently. He will appreciate it a lot if you'd initiate. (If you'd like a book on this topic, check out For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. It helped me a ton in understanding how Grant's mind works)
14) Satisfy his appetite. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I didn't realize how true this is until I got married. Give him his favorite food and you will have his attention. (Here's my Pinterest food board if you need new food ideas.)
15) Prioritize date night. Always put your husband before your kids - that means protecting the time you have with your husband. Schedule a weekly date night and don't talk about the kids during date night. We've got 52 fun date night ideas for you right here.
16) Give him your full attention when he speaks. This gets harder and harder in such a digital world but this tell him, "you're important. I'm listening." Your phone can wait.
17) Greet him joyfully when he comes home. A warm welcome lights up any heart. Period.
18) Surprise him. Surprises take planning and thoughts - it's a good way to tell him "I was thinking of you and I wanna put a smile on your face." A few ideas on surprising him: drop by his workplace at lunch, plan a child-free night just for you two, or give him a trip to see his best buddies who live afar.
19) Pray with him and for him. Have prayer time together. Be his prayer warrior and lift him up in your prayers. God works mightily when prayers come from a covenant He united.
20) Be there for him. There's gonna be ups and downs in life. Stand alongside your husband, be there for him; don't turn your back on him. Let him know you will walk through the valley with him hand in hand.
I wanna hear from you: What would you add to the list? What comes natural to you and what is difficult for you?
Have you enjoyed this episode? Subscribe today so you don't miss out on future encouragement + practical wisdom! Subscribe on iTunes, Google Play or Stitcher.
#011: Communication Tips for Grace-Filled Women: How to Speak in Grace and Truth as a Wife and Mom
Sep 26, 2017
Show notes
Maggie: Hey, hey, welcome back to the Indwelt Women Podcast. This is Maggie Baker. Today we have a very special guest with us and she is going to teach us all things communications related.She is the gal behind talktoamber.com; she is a LA-based communication expert, public speaking coach, and an award-winning adjunct professor in communication studies. She works with entrepreneurs and digital influencers, she teaches them how to say the words well both on and off the stage. She's an authority on interpersonal communication and relationships, she's been featured in or mentioned on sites like Forbes, Mashable, FastCompany, Black Enterprise and She Knows Media. She has a book that just got released actually and it's called Can We Talk? 10 Life Lessons on Finding Your Voice and Finding Yourself. It's available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.comWithout further ado, let's welcome Miss Amber.Amber: Hi!Maggie: I'm so excited you're here with us today. Thank you so much for taking time out of your schedule to chat with me.Amber: It's my pleasure, I'm excited to be here.Maggie: For those of us that may not be familiar with you, can you take a few minutes and introduce yourself?Amber: Sure and thanks for reading my bio. It's nice to hear about yourself in that way. I am everything that you said, really I'm just a person who's really good with words and I manage to build a career around that use of words. Primarily I work with my clients to help them tell their story and turn it into a signature talk so when they're doing presentations and speaking engagements they have it organized in a way that is clear and effective and also really engaging. I'm also a writer like you mention; I recently published my first book but I also write in my business as well. I write bios for my clients, helping them tell their story in an organized way because I have a lot of writer friends and we all say it's so easy to write about other people but it's so hard to write for yourself. So that's what I do and I really really love it.Maggie: And I know that you have two beautiful little girls.Amber: I do! They are six and almost 2 so there is never a dull moment over here.Maggie: Haha, I'm sure! So what inspired you to become a communication expert?Amber: I would say that my life is one of the examples of your gift choosing you. People say that my passion and my purpose are in alignment with my profession and I think that that's all we're kind of aiming for. That's what happened to me when I was in college. I took a communications class and my professor was like, "Amber, you're really good at this. Have you ever thought about a major in the communication studies? I think that you should try it out!"And so I did that and I thought, "wow, this is meant for me!" So I've kinda just been working on building a career around that - I have a Masters in communication studies and I decided to start my business as a coach because I recognized that with this online boom of business - there's been such a huge surge of entrepreneurship in the last few years, they're getting more visibility and speaking engagements and things that they would have to present themselves to the media and they just don't know where to go to get help and I just kinda signed up to fill that space.Maggie: Totally! And that is the reason why I was drawn to you - I found you on Periscope about two years ago. The way that you communicated, I was like, "oh my gosh, she's so good!"Amber: Thank you! :)Maggie: So, in your opinion, why is authentic communication so important, especially for married couples or even moms?Amber: I think it's a struggle for a lot of people because honestly many people are not really taught how to communicate when you think about it when you really think that. We don't ever get any kind of training on how to communicate effectively so what ends up happening is we just repeat what we see in our parents or whoever raised us. I don't know if you've read it but there's a book called The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.Maggie: Yes! I got rid of bags and bags of clothes!Amber: She said that it's the same thing - people don't teach you necessarily how to clean effectively and how to not hold on to things and so I think that communication is the same way. The reason why we end up struggling with it is because many times we don't have the skills or the tools to understand how to communicate effectively and, more than anything, across-the-board we're afraid of being vulnerable. That's scary for a lot of people; it's hard to say, "hey, that really hurt my feeling," or "I'm upset that you did that", because vulnerability makes people uncomfortable.Maggie: Totally. In addition to that, what other common weaknesses do you see in women's communications?Amber: I think a lot of women tend to doubt themselves; they tend to shrink themselves. We literally do that, we shrink in the presence of people who we perceive to be more powerful and for people that we may be intimidated by or we might be in environments where we don't feel like our voice needs to be heard so we won't say anything to them. And I think we also apologize a lot. We're like, "I'm sorry" "Ooh, oops, I'm sorry" all the time. I do that with my students because that's when I try to catch them. I teach courses in public speaking and in interpersonal communications and whenever I see it in the students I always call it out.Because it could be something that she may not even realize that she's doing. They're like, "oh, I'm sorry, Miss Amber." And so I go, "what are you sorry about?" Just by asking the question, they're like, "I don't know."Maggie: So what are some tips that you have to overcome these weaknesses?Amber: I think, gosh, there are so many different circumstances where something like that could play out, so any kind of advice is contextual. But across-the-board, if you're someone who struggles with communications or if you are a shrinker or a I'm-sorry-er, I think it's important to become aware of those behaviors, to stop and think about why you're doing them.I ask my students all the time; I ask them why did you just say I'm sorry to me and then they're like, "you know what, I don't know. I didn't really stop to think about it."Once we do that there's just a sense of awareness that kinda comes over us. That is what encourages us to modify the behavior once we become aware of it. I think the biggest piece of advice is just also knowing that your voice deserves to be heard but no one can hear it if you have it on mute all the time. That's the purpose of my book - it's about finding your inner voice. And by inner voice, I don't mean inner critic. I don't mean you can say whatever you want to say.It's really about knowing what your heart wants to say and then giving your brain and your mouth even time to kinda catch up. What you say is the only thing that we can control so I think it's worth it to kinda take the time to think about what you want to say and deliver it in a way that it could best be received.Maggie: That is an area I struggle with. A lot of times I have a hard time just telling people what I want, telling people what I think or what I feel. I'll just be like, "it doesn't matter. It's okay. I'll just shrug it off."Amber: So can I ask you why do you feel that? Not to put you on the spot.Maggie: Haha, well. I don't want to be a burden to people; I don't want to cause trouble. I don't want to seem like I am high maintenance and so yeah that's why I don't want to voice my feelings or opinions sometimes.Amber: And I think that's the biggest enemy of our fear of communication, whether it be public speaking or just interpersonal communication. It's the fear of judgment. If you ask people why they are afraid to speak in public and really it all just comes back to "I don't want to be judged." If I stand up in front of you, whether it's a group of two people or 200, that means that I'm willingly allowing myself to be judged by you.Because then in your mind you're like wel they're judging what I sound like or what my hair looks like. We kinda get into all of these things and we set this trap up for ourselves before we even stand up to say anything. We say that we don't like public speaking, but really, you're just afraid of being judged. My goal as a public speaking coach is to help people find out more freedom and confidence in that regard.Maggie: Totally. And a lot of times it's all in our head. People aren't really thinking about what you look like. You're just self-conscious about it.Amber: Exactly.Maggie: A lot of our listeners are wives and mom so what are some rules of thumb when it comes to communication for wives and moms? I know that's a broad question.Amber: Wel, I think relationally with your partner, it's important for you to say what you mean and by that I mean don't dance around. I think we do a lot of dancing. I'll share a story as an example: my husband and I, we celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary on Friday.Maggie: Oh, congratulations!Amber: Thank you! This is my year to plan; we alternate every year. We went to an amusement park out here in Southern California. It's not Disneyland because it's too expensive. So he gets the map and we're walking around. One of my favorite rides is called the Supreme Scream. It's a ride where you go up and then they drop it down - it's really absurd. So I said oh I want to go on Supreme Scream. We were walking by it but he's like oh well let's get on this ride over there first and I said but why because it's right here. He goes, I just think we should just go and then we can come back and I'm like why would we backtrack it's right here?! So then I'm realizing he doesn't want to get on Supreme Scream.I said okay let's go over there and then we can come back and he said okay. So we go on the ride that he wants to go on, we get off the ride and I'm walking back in the direction of Supreme Scream. He said where are you going? And I said I'm going back to Supreme Scream like we talked about. I was like if you don't want to get on Supreme Scream, you don't have to. How about you go back and get on that ride again that we just got off so then you're not waiting for me. The park was not packed at all; there were no lines. So I said, get back on that ride again while I go get on my ride. He's like okay, okay, yeah, I'm gonna do that.When we get back together, I said, why didn't you just tell me you didn't want to get on the ride? He's like, I don't know. Yeah. I should have just told you.That's what I mean by saying what you mean. We wasted a good solid seven minutes about what ride to get on but we wouldn't have if we didn't dance around. So my advice to your listeners is to really think about what you want to say, and think about what is your intention. Second to that is what is your goal with what you're about to say - is it to lift this person up? Is it to make them feel bad? Is it to hurt their feelings? Is it to manipulate them emotionally? To make them feel guilty? What is it? And I think sometimes when we learn to check our intentions, we have a better time communicating with their partners that's for sure. What do you think about that?Maggie: When you said dance around, I was like "guilty!" This past week we've been working on some kitchen renovation and my husband was very ambitious. He had a lot planned; he was very excited about it and I was thinking, before everything started, "that is really ambitious... are you sure?! I don't think this is gonna go well." I kinda danced around with it and said, "that's really ambitious." But I never said "you might want to re-think that plan." And so that led to a lot of frustration and bitterness on my part - which is something I need to confess to him about - but yeah I should've just be upfront and honest instead of dancing around and thinking that he's gonna get it. Because he obviously didn't.Amber: Right and that's it - you said the word "resentment" and "frustration", so much of that happens when we're not willing to confront some of the difficult. I always say that life is comprised of difficult and delicious conversations.We only want to feed off of the delicious ones and avoid the difficult ones, not realizing that sometimes what's difficult can be made delicious. We have to figure out how to get to that point, so in that type of circumstance, talking about it when he doesn't have a hammer in his hand, ask, "Talk to me about your plans for this project." Sometimes, especially when you've been married for a while, you can kinda tell when your partner is being shady. I call it finessing. There's a way that you can finesse things to have a conversation.I have another example: while we were at the amusement park after the whole Supreme Scream fiasco; while we were having lunch, something I had been on my mind concerning my husband and his mom, I really wanted to talk to him about. And so I chose that time because we ended up talking about his mom. I said, I've been meaning to ask you something about your mom. It was actually kind of serious. I was like, sometimes the way that you engage with her, I think you could be a little bit softer around her. I think you're too hard on her for no reason. My husband is an only child so their relationship is really unique. And we had a really good conversation about that and we were able to just talk about it because it wasn't in a moment where she had just left or we've just gone to her house or something had just happened and we were right in the middle of it. It was at a time when we weren't even really thinking about her but we were both in really good spirits and this came up and we were able to have a really good conversation about it. So, time, place and manner, I think, are important.Maggie: Yeah, that is so true. Like you said, when we're in good spirits, we communicate a lot better and our conversation will have a lot better outcome. So what about moms? When it comes to communicating with their children, what are some rules of thumb? What are some things they have to be cautious of?Amber: Well, that is a little tricky because I know dealing with children is like a whole other ball game. I'm still learning - I've only been a mom for six years.Maggie: We're all learning.Amber: Right. My approach to communicating with my girls is doing my best to meet them on their level because I think sometimes we expect kids to be grown-ups. Especially when they can talk and articulate themselves and they have ideas and suggestions. And then we start to be like, "oh, you're a person!" One thing that I've learned as a mom is that I'm the one that has to be in control my emotions. My kids cannot - they just do not have the capacity - they should not have the capacity or the power to drive you over the edgeNow to me that doesn't mean that we can't get frustrated sometimes; or that we don't even get angry sometimes. But I have learned that I'm the one with the greater capacity to deal with my emotions and when it comes to childr…
#010: 7 Truths to Remember in the Newborn Days
Sep 21, 2017
Show notes
Hey, hey, welcome back to the Indwelt Women Podcast! This is Maggie Baker. Today we're going to talk about 7 truths to remember during the newborn days.
Here's why it's important: when we are in this new season of welcoming a new baby, emotions can run high and I know for myself, having had two kids, I did not like the newborn days. Especially with my first one. I was sleep deprived and my emotions were running high and I got irritated really easily. And, you know, these emotions if we let them, they could dictate what we do and all that and a lot of times if we let emotions guide us we don't remember the truth that God has given us.
So I want this episode to be a reminder of the truth, of the promises that God has given us especially for these newborn days. So let's dig right in.
Truth #1: God loves your baby more than you ever could
This baby that you've been waiting for is finally here. The baby is so beautiful and so loved and you're just staring at the baby while it sleeps. And then all of a sudden, it hits you. You realize the weight of raising a brand-new human. The well-being of this beautiful baby is now in your hands. This baby could turn out to be the most influential human being or it could be a total wreck. And gosh, you hope it won't be the latter.
This pressure could break you if you let it which is why it's so important to remember that this baby that you so love, that this baby you wanna give your best to is so so loved by God.
In fact, God loves your baby exponentially more than you ever could so much so that he sent Jesus to take your baby's place so that He could have an eternal relationship with your baby.
John 3:16 says, "for God so loved the world that he gave his only son that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."
God did it for you, God did it for your baby that you have in your arms right now. That truth is so freeing because it takes the pressure off of you because your baby is in good hands which is the second truth that I want you to remember.
Truth #2: Your baby is in good hands
Because God loves your baby, you know for a fact that your baby is in good hands. Your baby is in the hands of the one who created the universe. Your baby is well taken care of by the Heavenly Father who created him or her.
Psalm 139: 13-14 says, "for you formed my inward parts, you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well."
And guess what? God knitted you in your mother's womb and in the same way He knitted your baby's parts in your womb. He knows your baby inside out; He created your baby. Your baby is well taken care of because he has a Heavenly Father who loves him, who knows and who wants the best for him. I want you to sit in that truth, knowing that this pressure, you don't have to bear it all on your shoulder, you can submit it to Jesus and let Him take the load.
Truth #3: Feed your baby's soul
The third truth that I want you to remember is as you feed your baby's body don't forget to feed its soul. You have been given the privilege of influencing your child's life. While you nourish your child physically and mentally, don't forget to feed him spiritually.
Deuteronomy 6:7 says, "you shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise."
Scripture says teach your child about God all the time you can pass on the legacy of faith in Christ and you maybe thinking, well my baby is just two weeks old he doesn't even know what his name is, isn't it too early to start teaching him about God?"
Well, yes, it's true that your baby doesn't even understand the English language but at this stage it's really more about building the habit in you. It's about you practicing how to teach your child about God.
I don't know about you but it doesn't come natural to me to connect everyday life things to God and to the Gospel. I have to try really hard and so if I don't start practicing now I might be missing out on chances to point my kids to the light when they're older and can understand deeper things.
So it's really all about giving ourselves the opportunity to practice, to talk about God, to connect everything to God starting now.
Another reason to start now is if you don't start now you may not start later. It's the mindset of "oh, I'll do it later". Well, by the time later comes along, your child may already be packing up for college. I'm not trying to be harsh but I'd rather not take chances procrastinating in one of the most important things you can teach your child so please start the habit now. It's never too early to start talking about God. Start now.
Truth #4: God is not asking you to be a perfect mom
With Instagram, Facebook and Pinterest, we see a lot of how other moms are doing and what they're doing. We always see, "oh look at that, she's making all these organic homemade food or she has this and this and this for their kids." It's so easy for us to get into the comparison trap and only think about what we're not doing or it's easy for us to feel like we have to do all these things that these moms are doing. The thing is God is not asking you to be a perfect mom. He is asking you to do all things for His glory. He is asking you to teach your child about Him like Deuteronomy 6:7 says and He is asking you to embody the grace and truth found in Jesus Christ.
When you look at motherhood through this lens, you will realize that you don't really have to be all to your kids. You don't have to try to be the person that you're not. Embrace who God made you. Embrace this season of life you're in. And maybe this is not your first baby, maybe you already have three or four kids at home and so trying to do all these things is not always possible.
S I want you to just lay down this burden and this pressure to be the perfect mom. Lift it up to Jesus.
Jesus says in Matthew 11:30, "for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Take His yoke, take His burden. It is not as heavy as this other Instagram mom that you're following.
Truth #5: You are of great significance
The 5th truth I have for you is: what you do have great significance.
You are given a calling to steward the soul that God knitted Himself, a soul that God has a great purpose for.
You are laying the foundation and raising this child up to do what God has planned for him. Don't let your feelings deceive you into thinking that what you do is not worth anything. Don't let Satan deceive you into thinking that.
Ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them."
What you are doing is a legacy. You are building a legacy that can get passed on generations after generations. Don't overlook what you do even if you feel like you're only changing diapers, nursing or giving the baby a bottle.
All these little things build up to the big moments. All these little moments will lead to growing a person that is going to fulfill God's plans for him
Truth #6: Your worth is not in checking off your to-do list
Your worth is not in how many tasks you checked off on your to-do list today.
Your worth is not in how tidy you keep your home. Your worth is in the righteousness Jesus has bought you with His blood.
2 Corinthians 5:21 says, "for our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin. So that in him, you might become the righteousness of God."
Your righteousness has already been fulfilled in Jesus. You don't have to try to do all these things to be approved by men. You are already approved by God - the One who created the universe. The one who created you.
In His eyes, you are perfect because of Jesus. Don't try to do all these things in an attempt to get approval by men, by these men that God created.
Remember your righteousness is in Christ and you are well loved and well approved in His Eyes.
Truth #7: Your way is not the higher way
The 7th truth that I want you to remember is that your husband, or other family members of yours, can love and care for your baby just as well.
This is a truth that I needed when I first became a mom. I knew how long my firstborn would nurse for, I knew how he liked to be rocked, I knew how he preferred to have one arm sticking out of his swaddle. I knew these things because I was always with him.
And so when other people, my husband included, tried to care for the baby. On the inside, I was critical of how they were taking care of my baby.
Don't get me wrong - yes, I did know more about my baby because I spent the most time with him. But it doesn't mean that the way my husband was caring for the baby was wrong.
Just because I'm the mom and I know all the little things about the baby and his routine, it doesn't make my way the higher way. My husband, while he did things a little differently when he was taking care of our newborn, he loved on our son in his own unique fatherly way.
In the same way, your baby's grandmother can love on your baby in her own unique way. The baby's uncle can love on your baby in his own unique way.
Your way is not the only way to love and care for your baby.
1 Corinthians 12:14 says, "For the body does not consist of one member but of many."
We're all trying to love and care for your baby and we can all contribute to the well-being of the baby in our own unique ways.
So don't disregard or dismiss how people are trying to love your baby. We are all bringing our own unique love to this baby.
And what a blessing it is that your baby is so loved by so many family members. Think about that. There are babies out there that don't have families. They are orphans and they don't have anyone that loves them.
So it really is a blessing that your family loves your baby so much. I want you to look at it from a different perspective and really see it as a blessing and embrace it.
Closing Thoughts
I'm praying for you that you will become such a reflection of God's grace and truth in your children's lives. Actually, let me just pray for you right now:
Dear, Lord. I lift up the women listening to this podcast right now, especially those with new baby in their homes. I pray that You will watch over these families. I pray that You will watch over the souls of these babies, of these moms, that they will not let Satan's lies to guide them. I pray that they will not let their emotions to guide them but rather they would fix their eyes on Your truth, on who they are in Christ, knowing that they are in good hands, that their babies are in good hands, that all you care about is that they would do this motherhood thing wholeheartedly for You and for your glory, to reflect Christ, to be Christ's ambassadors and to teach their children all about You. That's what matters. That is what it boils down to, Lord. I just lift up these moms to you. I pray that they will become such a reflection of Christ as they raise up children and I pray for these children that they will run after your heart as they grow and they will become such great Christ ambassadors as well. I pray these things in Jesus' name, Amen.
Thank you for tuning in! Have you enjoyed this episode? For more encouragement and practical wisdom rooted in His Word, subscribe today on iTunes, Google Play and Stitcher.
Podcast music: Sunny Holidays & Summertime by Nicolai Heidlas
#009: Tried and True Method to Financial Freedom with Sami Womack
Sep 18, 2017
Show notes
Maggie: Hey, hey, welcome back to the Indwelt Women Podcast. This is Maggie Baker. I am so excited to have our guest on today. She is a budgeting coach, she is the blogger behind A Sunny Side Up Life, and she is here to inspire you to live abundantly through budgeting, through intentional living and positive thinking. She also has a free 5-day email course to help you jump start into budgeting so be sure to jump on that here.So Sami has been on such an incredible journey to be intentional with her finances and she's here to share more about her story. I'm gonna leave her to share her story with you so without further ado, let's welcome Sami.Sami: Hi! Thank you, Maggie, so much. I'm so excited to be a part of your podcast and I just think it's a great thing that you're doing. I love the whole Christian aspect and for moms, I think that's so important and so I just love everything that you're doing with your podcast. I'm really excited to watch your podcast grow. Thank you so much for having me.Maggie: Aww thank you! :) I'm happy to have you on here! For those of us who may not be familiar with you, could you introduce yourself a little bit more?Sami: Yeah! I'm Sami Womack, like Maggie said, I blog at A Sunny Side Up Life. I have a really great FB group that's kind of my love. It's A Sunny Side Up Life Community and it's just full of women who are taking steps to live abundant lives and gain financial freedom and really support each other.I am married. I have 3 kids. We started this financial freedom journey about 3, 4 years ago just trying to get a budget, just trying to get everything under control and get out of a lot of debt.When we first started, our debt was almost half a million dollars. It was $490K to be exact. It was two houses, it was a piece of property, it was credit card, medical bills, taxes; it was pretty much everything you could think of. And we just decided that we were tired of living in this financial survival mode. So we got a handle on it and through God's timing it worked out! I started blogging about it and now I'm coaching other women and other families to learn the lessons that I learned.credit card, medical bills, taxes; it was pretty much everything you could think of. And we just decided that we were tired of living in this financial survival mode. So we got a handle on it and through God's timing it worked out! I started blogging about it and now I'm coaching other women and other families to learn the lessons that I learned.I recently came out with a full course to teach other women in one nice little place and it's been an amazing journey to get to share our journey and our lessons with all these other women.Full Disclosure: Some of the links on this site may be affiliated which means I earn a commission at no cost to you should you make a purchase via the link. All opinions are 100% my own. Maggie: I love it! Can you dive a little bit deeper into what made you come to that decision to be more intentional with your finances? What was happening at the moment? What was going through your mind and your emotions?Sami: Oh, my gosh. Well, it kind of got to a point where we had no choice. It was kind of like arock bottom situation. I tell this story a lot: my husband actually works offshore. He works out on the east coast and we live in Texas. So he flies back and forth and works on a boat.We were due to have our second daughter and we had to induce because of his work schedule. It was time for him to fly home, I think, 2 or 3 days before she was born, and we didn't have money for the plane ticket even though she was a planned baby. We ended up maxing out the credit card. We had about two, three hundred dollars available and it let us go over that max and buy this $900 flight, I guess it was because it was one transaction.That was a moment where we were like, what if that transaction wouldn't have went through? We had no other ways for him to get home. To realize that he could have missed our daughter's birth - we planned her and we still weren't financially secured enough to plan to save that money, we had no emergency fund, we had nothing. Even so, when we were at such a rock bottom place, she was about 9 months old before I actually even set up a budget. So we lived in that rock bottom for about 9 months. Until, one night, I just felt it on my heart to start googling and start Pinteresting and look up what a budget is, how it even works.It just kind of grew from there. We started being intentional and we started saying, hey this is really working, we were hitting goals and life got easier and easier and easier as each debt went away. We were like, I think we're on to something. It just kinda grew from there! :)Maggie: That must have been really stressful! I can't even imagine!Sami: Oh, yeah! Especially in those postpartum months and adjusting from one baby to two babies, I feel like that's always the hardest. So yeah, it was a very dark year.Maggie: How did it affect your marriage if you don't mind sharing? Sami: Amazingly, in every way possible, at first my husband is more of the spender, the free spirit, he works very very hard to provide for our family. He sacrifices a lot, you know, being away from us for as much as he is. So he very much has this idea of, well I work really hard for this money. And I had the same idea because he does work really hard for this money. And so for the first 6 months he did feel a little bit of a strain, he did feel like I was being his mother saying he couldn't buy these things.But he started to see what it was doing for our family, he started to seee the bright future, the promises, and so he came around and now he's just as into it as I am. It allowed us to connect, it allowed us to get better at communicating. When you start to share your goals again, when you start to dream again like you did when you were dating, like you did before you had kids... you know, when kids come along and bills and all that, you stop dreaming together. We get so in this survival mode, trying to get all the kids fed and all that, so this really allows us to sit down and dream together. we're achieving goals together and that's amazing. It was hard. It kind of made it harder for a little while but it got better and the payoff is so so great.Maggie: Totally! And I think when it comes to getting our finances in check, we all have the desire to do that but then we don't really keep working at it. But I think if we choose to go back to God's Word, if we choose to look at finances from His perspective, I think that has more motivation for us to keep working at it. So from a biblical standpoint, why is it important for us Christ followers to manage our resources well? Sami: It's kind of like what you said. You know, I feel like God brought my husband and I together. I feel like He blessed us with our three children, I don't feel like He would put our family together to struggle. He blessed us with our children, He gave us them to look after in this life, why would He want our kids not to have a great life? I believe God has called us to live an abundant life, He has blessed us with not only our children but our talents, the things we're good at. He wants us to grow those talents, He wants us to live the best possible life that we can. Not only that, so many people want to help others. They want to be generous. Especially with all these hurricanes, all these things that are going on lately, our hearts just go out to those people that are affected by tragedies, tragedies that are happening every day, and we can't help them if our family isn't taken care of. So when we get to the point when we have a lot enough savings account where we can just make a huge donation and help others, not just taking care of our family but taking care of others, I feel like that's what God wants us to do. Why would He want us to struggle, He wants the best for us, so I feel like He's given us talents to use in our jobs to create a better life for our family,Maggie: yeah, so what do you see as common weaknesses or even some lies that we believe in about money?Sami: I've experienced these a lot as we went through these years. People that we know personally have treated us a little differently, they might not even realize that they do it. But they would make little comments. And I think a lot of times people perceive people who desire money as bad, or greedy or all of these words. So it's almost this negative persona if you desire money, if you make money one of your goals. They think you're supposed to make helping others your goal, you're supposed to make getting closer to God as your goal, and so as soon as you put money as your goal, it's like you're automatically perceived as an evil person. I just don't think that's true at all. I think, you know, we have a responsibility to take care of our families and others, and I think a lot of people see having money goals as greedy, and that's just not true. I think that makes us very weak, I think that puts something in between us and I think people perceive money as something distant from God and that's not true at all.Maggie: yeah, it's something that I struggled with, especially in the beginning as I was building up my business. I wanted to make money not because I wanted to hoard money, I wanted to replace my husband's income so that he doesn't have to do this 12-hour job everyday. I want to pull him home so that he can spend more time with our sons, so that our sons will remember what their dad is like instead of having him work all the time, you know? Sami: Exactly. Maggie: I struggle with that. It's not like I'm hoarding money, I want to be able to have a little bit more resources so that my husband will be a little more present and also so that we give more abundantly.Sami: Exactly! And that's kinda how we feel about my husband. He's gone for 3 weeks and home for 3 weeks. So essentially half the year, he's done this for 11 years. He's missed so much - if your work schedule falls on Christmas, he's gone. If it falls on a birthday, you know, you go when it's your time to go! That's kind of how we are. We're not saving money to be greedy, we're saving it to do great things. We're saving it to give our kids an education, and to stay closer as a family, and eventually to be able to help others in a big big way that is in our plans in the future. Maggie: Yeah, it reminds me of a verse that says, "the love of money is the root of all evil." (1 Timothy 6:10) It's not just the money itself. Money can be such a great tool to do many things that God wants you to do. So what are some fruits that you've been able to reap since committing to get out of debt, since committing to become more intentional with your finances?Sami: First of all, like I mentioned, the strength in our marriage. It's probably my number 1 - it's gotten us so much closer as a family. I think the reasons behind us getting closer as a family is because we're gained so much contentment and we've kind of done this journey hand in hand with minimalism. We have purged so much. We have recently downsized our house significantly from 3200 square feet to a little over 600 square feet in order to save more. And not only that but to be closer as a family in this tiny house.And so, it's gained us so much contentment. Our kids are so appreciative of the things they have because they don't get treats as often as they would have, you know, if we would've been still living our old life. And along with that, it's simplified our life; it's calmed our life down, we're not chasing chasing chasing whatever it is. We've learned to stay home more and find joy more in the simple things. It's kind of a surprising benefit. At first I thought it was gonna be a punishment to never go out to eat, that it was gonna be a punishment to not go on these fancy vacations but it's just not true. You learn so much contentment. You learn to really appreciate the nights in, just watching a movie with popcorn. Things like that. I think those are really underestimated in how precious those are. Because those are the memories we're going to have when you look back and when your kids look back.Maggie: Totally! It reminds me of this survey or this study that someone did about what kids remember the most about their parents. It's the little things that they remember, not the big vacation fancy things that they remember, but it's the everyday life that they get to share with you.Sami: Yeah, it's remembering that mom took me outside and we had a picnic. My kids love just going to the park and the park is free! You know, things like that! They love the simple things, they love the time spent and so the more we get all of us together, it seems like we have more free time because we're not spending our free time stressing and arguing over money. There's not a pit in the stomach kind of feeling anytime you buy groceries. You can say, "yeah, you can throw in a packet of cookies," you know, when you're at the grocery store. They love that! That's like Christmas to them.Maggie: Yeah! Totally! And I think that is such a controversial message to the culture. I think right now everyone is like buy buy buy, purchase purchase purchase, they're always chasing after the next thing and finding that fulfillment but really you just gotta scale back and really be grateful for the simple things you've been blessed with! So, I have a question, it's common for people to think that you have to be making a lot of money in order to successfully get out of debt, that if you're living paycheck to paycheck then you don't have that room in your budget to throw extra money towards your debt. What do you think of this statement?Sami: Well, I kind of agree in a way that you can't really get ahead when you are living paycheck to paycheck. We weren't even living paycheck to paycheck, it was like 3 or 4 days before payday and our bank account would be negative. We would just hope and pray that the electric bill would just stay pending. So we were totally in that place. The key is to hit pause and take that time to really evaluate what is going on. Find that extra money - I think a lot of times, we think there isn't that extra money when it's there somewhere. I'm not talking about $100, I'm talking $5 or $10. Sometimes that's where you have to start.Start with your smallest debt. Well, before that, start with a little savings account. And then go to that smaller debt. Sometimes, that is $5 or $10. Like you've cut $5 or $10 in coupons and so you're going to stash that $5 or $10 towards your debt. Sometimes that's where you really start - it's a slow start and people don't really like to hear that - but when you are really really tight, that's where you start.Some people are fortunate enough to be able to really shake things up like we did - we're selling our house. We actually had 3 pieces of real estate, we had our old house that we were using as rental income, we were able to sell it. That helped so much. That other property that was going to be for our business but we ended up not using it for our business, we were able to sell that. I've seen people sell their cars and do crazy things like we did.This isn't forever. I'm actually - at the time of recording this interview - I'm finishing up the last lesson of my course. I was saying, guys, this isn't forever. This is a very short…
#008: How to Strengthen Your Marriage One Date at a Time with The Dating Divas
Sep 14, 2017
Show notes
Maggie: Hey, hey, welcome back to the Indwelt Women Podcast. This is Maggie Baker. I am so excited to have our guest on today. She is one of the gals behind The Dating Divas. If you don't know who The Dating Divas is, you have to go to their website right now. It is full of resources and ideas that help you plan your date nights and help you strengthen your marriage one date night at a time. So today. we're going to have one of the gals here to talk all things date night related, how to pursue your husband and about how to strengthen your marriage because your marriage is one of the most important relationships we can have. Without further ado, let's welcome Miss Melissa.Melissa: Hi! I'm so excited to be here!Maggie: I'm excited to have you on! Can you tell us a little bit about yourself?Melissa: Yeah! A little bit about me: I am a wife and a mom and I used to be a marriage therapist. I did a couple different kinds of therapy before becoming a stay-at-home mom so when I had the opportunity to work for The Dating Divas it was like the perfect fit. Plus I had already given a super fan girl of the site before. So, yeah, I love it!Maggie: Yeah, totally! Can you tell us a little bit more about The Dating Divas? Some of us may not be familiar with it.Melissa: Yeah! Okay, so, our founder is Tara and she is the cutest person in the whole world. The founding story behind The Dating Divas is really fun - she started it out when she noticed that her marriage was starting to get a little bit boring. When she and her husband Jamie first started dating, they were going on super fun dates, doing so much together and spending all your waking moments texting each other and calling. You know, really putting a lot of time in your courtship. But after being married for several years and she started to realize that they were getting a little lax in the relationship and the yoga pants came out and date nights just sorted of consisted of just being, "what's on TV?"Maggie: Sure.Melissa: They stopped trying new fun things and dating each other. It just wasn't a priority anymore so Tara was really smart and she realized that she wanted to keep that excitement that they first had in their marriage and in their relationship when they were first dating. So if you want to stay in love you need to keep doing the same things that help you fall in love in the first place; so she thought of an idea: what if my friends and I started a blog, we could take turns posting a date idea on Monday and the rest of us will copy that fun idea in the weekend with our own spouses. So it was just this little site for friends where Tara will take Monday one week and Carrie will take the next week and so on and they'll all try it the next weekend. So she quickly emailed her girlfriends and they were all on board. Once the blog was up and going, other people found out about it and they were like, "well, this is a great idea!" So friends and family all wanted a link to the site for the date ideas that they were sharing and so it really just spread like wildfire and the rest is history. We have since grown to incorporate a lot of other women and different sites and elements to the site which includes kids and families and all that kind of stuff. So now we're strengthening marriage and family. We also have some incredible programs that are resources because not everybody has a perfect marriage - nobody has a perfect marriage, to be honest - but some people are at different points and stages in their marriage so if they're having a rocky relationship, we've got an amazing program for that. If you are just kind of needing to spice things up, we've got a program for that. So we have some different options depending on where you're at in your marriage.Maggie: I love it. I found you guys a couple years after you guys started so I think that was right around when I first got married. And I was like, "This is the best!! I love all these ideas!!"Melissa: Haha - I did too!Maggie: Yeah, and they were all printables and all planned out for you. I was like, "This is perfect!"Melissa: I know! Everything is done for you - it's like, "what do I want to do tonight? I think that we want to go miniature golfing. Let's see if the site has an idea for that - oh - there's like 12, haha, take your pick!Maggie: I love it - So why should we spend the time and effort to make date nights a priority cause we're all busy, right?Melissa: Yeah! So we actually got this comment the other day on the site where this lady was making some really big assumptions that we all live by family and have our parents able to babysit our kids and we have a lot of money and we are just - like it was kind of funny - because we actually live 2000 miles - on the opposite coasts of our family and we didn't know anybody when we first built our house in the city that we live in. And so we didn't have a babysitter watch my three-year-old for the first 2 1/2 years of his life. And my husband, he had just finished his doctorate, we were trying to work on student loans and all that. And all of the girls behind The Dating Divas are in different various cycle life circumstances; we're just on different stages and a lot of us don't have these "perfect" scenario where we can have somebody that's a family member watch our kids. But putting that time and effort back into your marriage and being able to say, "okay, let's work with what we do have and we know that spending time together is important because we want to still like each other once the kids are grown and we have tons of free dates so if you don't have two dimes to rub together and you don't have a babysitter, well you can spend time - you can take that time and find a couple of hours or couple of minutes to connect with your spouse and to make that little mini date night priority. It doesn't matter your circumstances, where there's a will there's a way.Maggie: Totally. And a lot of us are in a more challenging season or maybe we're in transition like having a newborn in the house or we have opposite schedules from our spouses and so, do you have tips for making date nights happen or just spending a few minutes with each other intentionally.Melissa: Yeah! Okay so here's a couple of tips: Planning it - putting it on the calendar and keeping that appointment. I don't know about you but I take my appointments that I make and my commitments really seriously. So I try to look at the calendar and find some spots in our day and that might be out of the house or in the house depending on the circumstances but where can we carve out an hour, you know, obviously we would love more and we'd love to have the whole nine yards but where can we carve out that time each week or even just a few times a month. If you aren't able to get to date night every single week - once a month is gonna be better than not at all and so just finding a time that you can get that together and then the other tip that I would is a lot goes a long way with a little bit of physical and emotional connection. If you're taking the time to hug and kiss your spouse every day - you've mentioned being on opposite schedules - say your husband's coming in the door when you're getting up to leave for work in the morning and you just take five minutes and do 10 seconds of human interaction and touch. It goes huge - it releases endorphins and I could geek out on the whole physiological side of it but it really is going to make a difference. So making those little tiny times that you can just connect with each other.Maggie: Totally! And I think there are little things that we can do if date nights really are not possible for this current season. I think there's something that you can do to show love to serve them. My favorite is like giving a massage or a back rub or something. I mean, yeah, I get tired by the end of the night but even just 5 minutes of it he would appreciate it so much because he does physical labor all day. So he always likes massages.Melissa: Right! So, right now, I am seven months pregnant and giving my husband a massage sounds like... basically pulling my teeth out... at the dentist. Just kidding but a hand massage is also something you can do. Well what I did the other day, I went and bought a bunch of stuff for breakfast and printed out some of our cute little printables that are just sweet little notes and it was stuff I was gonna buy anyways because we have breakfast but I just prepped it in a cute way and left it for him. I brought it in and put it on his night stand so he could see it when he got out of the shower and he could just have this little moment. And I just snuck back in and I was like, "Hey! Good morning! Thank you, I love you, thanks for working so hard!" It was like five minutes of my day and it was just this little gesture. Like what's your husband's favorite candy? We have these little candy bar printable cards that you can just print out. Go get a candy bar next time you're at the grocery store. It's a dollar or less. Print one out, wrap it up and leave it for them somewhere they're gonna see - their gym bag or briefcase or - you know what I mean? There's just so many options.Maggie: Yeah! I love it! It's so simple. I feel like sometimes we over-complicate things.Melissa: Oh, totally, I feel like I'm the queen of that.Maggie: Haha - I feel like we all are at times. So, do you see any pitfalls that we as wives fall into when it comes to date nights and pursuing our husbands?Melissa: So, something that we see on the site and with our amazing readers - and I saw it in therapy, too - you have people that really want to connect with their husbands but they are wanting their husbands to connect in their love language rather than connecting with their husbands in and their husbands' love language, if that makes sense.Maggie: Totally.Melissa: If we treat others how we want to be treated it's gonna come back to us. So if you're being sweet and you're being complimentary and you're doing little acts of service and you're doing these things. So many times our husbands will pick up on that and they start to realize that you're gonna be getting that back. Sometimes, I think, like you said, women just over complicate things and we want it done a certain way. And expectations are, I swear, they are the root of all unhappiness. Because people have all these expectations of what their weddings are gonna be like, or the first year of marriage or the honeymoon. And things never go as planned. Our honeymoon - we had 12 days in the Caribbean. We flew into one of the islands to stay and took a cruise and all that stuff. And I was sick for like three days of it - haha - and that's okay! Our honeymoon was amazing, it was a great time. My husband, I made him go out, he went dancing one night when we were on the ship. He was like this newlywed, this single guy out there on the dance floor. You know, it definitely did not go as expected, like cute little Champagne and roses kind of thing. But it was fun and there are so many little situations that happen like that that I just laugh about now. To me, I think it adds character and they definitely were not what we expected and sometimes that's better than we would've expected but it's just going with the punches and not setting your husband up for failure. If he doesn't like to send roses, don't get offended by that. But what if he's always washing your car, you know, that's his roses.Maggie: Totally. Can you share your favorite ideas for date nights.Melissa: Oh, goodness. I really like the ones that we don't have to go out of the house for. Just because like I said, we didn't get a babysitter for 2.5 years of our son's life - I am a crazy mom - so I get it. And now the person who watches them, we watch her kids too. And I have security cameras in my house so I can keep an eye on things and I totally trust them. I'm just paranoid. And now we're gonna have a new baby and so there's another 2 1/2 years so I really love the ones that don't cost a lot of money and that are super unique and creative and things that we wouldn't usually do and that we can do at home. We have a couple of dates that fit into that - well, thousands of dates that fit into that category but I love the Jelly Bean date on our site. My husband, I think that's his favorite - ha! I don't wanna get too TMI but look up the Jelly Bean date. Basically, you assign a Jelly Bean color to a body part and an action and then you have this little spinner that you print off. You spin it around and you pull a Jelly Bean and you follow the direction... Hehe :) We don't need a babysitter for that.Maggie: No, not at all! Melissa: And then we have some pillow talk conversation cards which I really love and I know that's not necessarily a date but it's a great road trip, it's great to take these pillow talk questions to dinner and it's great to just sit at night and go through these and you'll find so much out about your spouse that you never would've known. They're just so funny, like, what would their superhero power be? I don't know if your husband and you are like my husband and I, we'll be like, "what would your superpower be?" And then we'll have an hour long conversation about, you know, Batman versus Superman. Haha! So yeah, I just love it. Some of those easy ones, like you said, sometimes simple is better.Maggie: Totally. Do you have stories of marriages turning around for good because they're committed to pursuing each other and having fun together?Melissa: We do! So we have some awesome testimonials from people who... this is why we do what we can. We get the feedback from our readers, we get these testimonials that are telling us how much date night has improved their marriage and relationship and it's so awesome but we also get testimonials where people are like, "we were pleading and praying with God that we would be able to find our way back to each other and find loving one another again and that night we were looking up something else online like preschool ideas on Pinterest and there was a snippet about our free 7 Days of Love Program." And they decided to give their marriage another shot and totally just renewed their marriage.So we definitely have a lot of those things happening and that's why we do what we do.Maggie: That is so awesome.Melissa: It's like the best! What's what I said - it's the best job!Maggie: Rainbows and sunshine :)Melissa: We definitely do get the sad and the hard and it breaks our hearts. But we feel like we have solutions and we've been there and we have all... you know, nobody's marriage is perfect and we've all gone through struggles. Our struggles might look different from yours. But yeah.Maggie: Totally. You don't get the rainbow until after it's rained so.Melissa: Right! And then it might rain again but then you're equipped with the tools so you know how to get back on track and how to get those rainbows back.Maggie: Yeah, so what kind of tools do you have for people that may not be in the best marriage season right now?Melissa: So like I mentioned earlier we have these programs that are customized to where you're at in your marriage. We have one called Reclaim Your Marriage and that is super awesome. It is for people whose marriages are struggling and they need help. It's a 10 week comprehensive course that dives deep into the 10 most crucial marriage topics and helps to tackle…
Our TOPPODCAST Picks 
Stay Connected
