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    Kids & Family

    Sunshine Parenting

    Camp Director, Mom, Author, and Speaker Audrey Monke and other youth development experts discuss summer camp, family life, raising thriving kids, and ideas for living more connected and happier lives.

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    Latest Episodes:
    [ENCORE] Ep. 37: 8 Tips for First-Time Camp Parents May 13, 2022
    Show notes

    HAPPY CAMPERS: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults is now available on Audible!

    Visit Sunshine Parenting for more episodes & resources.

    Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

    In Episode 37, Sara Kuljis (of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp), and I share tips and ideas for parents sending kids to overnight camp for the first time.

    Camp Preparation Topics We Cover Forms:

    What parents need to do now, including reading through camp information and filling out all your camp forms thoroughly and completely. Why camp staff needs the forms well in advance of your child's arrival. Importance of letting camp directors know any special circumstances that might impact your child's stay.

    Medications:

    Why it's never a good idea to make any changes in prescription medication right before camp. Importance of sending all medications in their original prescription containers. Thoughts on whether to continue vitamins.

    Encouraging Your Child to Reach Out to Camp Staff:

    Talking about and role-playing with your child how they can talk with trusted adults (counselors, directors) at camp.

    Packing for Camp:

    Importance of camper being involved in the packing process so they know where everything is! Packing as a life skill and a way to build responsibility. Make sure you know what items are not allowed at camp (so that those don't go to camp). How to pack (rolling outfits, using ziplock bags, and other methods). Not to bring expensive clothing items or ones that require special laundering. Bringing a comfort item, photo album, journal, and/or books.

    Sending Letters:

    Send a letter ahead of time so your camper has one at first mail call! Let friends and relatives know your camper's address at camp and any mail policies

    Planning for Downtime before and after Camp:

    Allow some margins in your family's schedule so your child can be well-rested before camp.

    Familiarize Yourself with your Camp's Online Services:

    Find out where to get news, photos, texts, etc. Opt-in to anything that isn't going to automatically come to you!

    The Gift of Letting Your Child go to Summer Camp:

    Why letting your child go to camp is a great way to set your child up for future independent experiences.

    Related

    Ep. 39: How to Handle Your Camper's Homesickness

    Ep. 10: Homesick and Happy with Michael Thompson, Ph.D.

    Countdown to Camp

    5 Essential Summer Camp Packing Tips

    5 Fun Ideas for Letters to Campers

    Messages for an Anxious Camper

    How Camp Helps Parents Raise Adults

    Label Daddy

    More information about Audrey's book is here: Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults.

    In Happy Campers, Audrey shares what she's learned from three decades of creating a culture where kids become happier while gaining important social and emotional skills. The book is based on her thousands of interactions with campers, camp counselors, and parents, her academic research in positive psychology, and interviews with camp directors from across the country.


    [ENCORE] Ep. 111: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World Apr 23, 2022
    Show notes

    Join Debbie's TILT Parenting book club (Spring, 2022).

    In this episode, I'm talking with Debbie Reber, creator of TiLT Parenting, the host of the TiLT Parenting Podcast, and the author of Differently Wired: Raising and Exceptional Child in a Conventional World. While this book was written mainly for parents that need extra support, I think it will resonate with all parents of all kids.

    Big Ideas
    • Every child deserves to be understood and accepted for who they are.
    • We are all wired differently. Some differences are more visible than others.
    • Each kid needs different tools to thrive in life and we can help them figure out what they need for their individual journey.
    • When parents and children communicate their needs and explain their differences to others, people are more understanding and accepting.
    • 3 Key Take-Aways:
      • Find a community and resources
      • Find the right kind of support (parent coach, couples counselor, online communities)
      • Embrace and accept kids' strengths; teach them to articulate their needs.
    • Gifted kids also have special needs that can be addressed and supported in schools and at home.
    • As a parent, set aside what you think your child's (social, academic, physical) life should look like, and respect your child's own timeline.
    Quotes

    Audrey: "Sometimes people are just kind of under the radar. Maybe they aren't diagnosed with something, but their parents just sort of know that they don't move through life the same way that other people do."

    Debbie: "Many of the kids in my community may not have a formal diagnosis but a lot of them are extra sensitive, have heightened anxiety and are more tuned in and the world is an intense place for them."

    Debbie: "I wanted to cast a wide net and include any sort of narrow atypicality because there are so many of us. But when we stay in our little buckets, we don't get to tap into the collective and recognize the power in our numbers and why things really do need to change."

    Audrey: "Sometimes our biggest challenges become our biggest gifts."

    Audrey: "You did this journey together with your son, learning how to help him navigate the world and then how to help you navigate the world as a parent. You figured out how to embrace your son and all of his strengths and his uniqueness and help him become his best self. And you helped him be able to articulate to the world who he is and what he needs."

    Audrey: "I've always loved delving into all the personality type inventories that just help us learn how the way we see the world or react to things is different from other people and being a little more empathetic and understanding of that as opposed to thinking it's wrong."

    Debbie: "We're really looking at this person as an individual human on their own incredible journey. I think it can be really hard when we're just kind of on this treadmill of life, doing what everybody else is doing. Take a conscious step back and say, 'wait a minute--who is this kid and what do they need to do to really thrive?'"

    Debbie: "It's not easy to take that pause and to really shift your focus."

    Audrey: "Even for people with different interests, the concept that there is one path is so flawed. Kids who aren't academically inclined or school isn't their thing are left feeling like they don't fit in. Often, it beats them down to the point where they don't have the opportunity to explore their interests."

    Audrey: "The impact of not letting kids be who they really are and exploring that is coming out in the rise of mental health disorders, substance abuse, and suicide among adolescents and young adults. All of these things can be traced back to the same idea that if you don't fit into some prescribed thing, the world is hard."

    Audrey: "We all have a lot of parental shame, insecurity, guilt, worry and often loneliness when we are kind of embarrassed by our kids' behavior or confused or just don't get it."

    Debbie: "There's a lot of judging in parenting. It's pervasive and it's really harmful. It hurts us and when people are judging it is triggering their own insecurities. I think it's so important to find safe spaces to connect and to share."

    Debbie: "It's important to get clear and remember what the core goal is and that is to support these kids in becoming who they are."

    Debbie: "One of the ways we can bolster our foundation is to surround ourselves with people who fully support our family. When we do this, we relax, our kids relax, and we all get to go about our business from a place of confidence. Community changes everything. It lifts us up. It deepens our well of resources. It fuels our bravery. It allows us to be our authentic selves. It reminds me that we and our children are not alone. It's time we ditched the doubters, skeptics, and those will never get it and instead surround ourselves with our people." (Differently Wired, pg. 217)

    Debbie: "Part of the process is for us to speak openly, without fear or shame or worry. That's part of the accepting process of knowing that there is no one way to be normal."

    Debbie: "I imagine we are going to create a more accepting society if we stop shaming certain behaviors, ostracizing people, or making them feel like they're aberrations when really it's just a different way of being."

    Debbie: "One of the biggest gifts we can give a kid is the opportunity to truly know themselves and understand how their brain works and what's going on and then how to advocate for themselves, how to speak up."

    Debbie: "When people understand, it changes everything. People are afraid of what they don't understand. In a society that puts so much weight on conforming and fitting in, when we don't understand something, we tend to make up stories about it or push it aside."

    Audrey: "For more typically-wired kids, it teaches them super important character traits like kindness, empathy, and compassion."

    Debbie: "As parents, we can really spin out and get concerned if what we're seeing in our own family isn't matching our idea of what this should look like. Every child is on their own timeline. Everyone is growing in strengths and may have some lagging skills but they even out eventually. If we can keep our eye on the goal to raise a responsible human being who knows themselves, who understands what they need and has the tools to reach their potential, that's what we're going for."

    Resources

    The Miracle Morning

    Learn more about Debbie Reber and TiLT Parenting:

    • TiLT Parenting on Facebook
    • TiLT Together Facebook Group
    • TiLT Instagram

    http://www.twitter.com/tiltparenting

    Related Posts/Podcasts

    If you liked this episode, listen to Ep. 104: Know and Love Yourself AND Your Kids

    4 Ways to Focus on our Kids' Strengths

    Ep. 71: Growing Your Child's "Bushy Broccoli Brain"

    Ep. 30: How to Raise a Durable Human with JJ Madden

    10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs


    Ep. 175: The Happiness Workbook for Kids with Maureen Healy, Ph.D. Mar 25, 2022
    Show notes Check out Audrey's book, HAPPY CAMPERS, for insights and ideas for raising thriving future adults. Now available in audio, digital, and print formats. Visit Maureen Healy's website, Growing Happy Kids, for more about Maureen's work and books.

    Visit Sunshine Parenting for more resources & episodes.

    In this episode, Maureen Healy, Ph.D., and I talk about her new book, The Happiness Workbook for Kids, which is her brand new, kid-friendly workbook with ideas based on her many years of experience helping children improve their happiness and well-being. We previously discussed The Emotionally Healthy Child, which we discussed back in Ep. 80: The Emotionally Healthy Child with Maureen Healy.


    [ENCORE] Ep. 127: The New Adolescence with Christine Carter, Ph.D. Mar 14, 2022
    Show notes Visit Sunshine Parenting for Show Notes & Links.

    ENCORE NOTES: This incredible book came out just prior to the start of the pandemic. I was privileged to read an early copy and hear Christine speak about it in February, 2020. If you have (or will eventually have) an adolescent, I highly recommend this book. Things have changed since we were their age, and Christine offers her trademark, research-backed wisdom in this must-read.

    In this podcast episode, I'm joined by my friend Christine Carter, a sociologist working out of UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center and author of some of my favorite parenting books. We are talking about her newest book, The New Adolescence, Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distractions.

    Big Ideas
    • As your kids enter adolescence, parents should change their mindset from being their manager to being their coach.
    • As they get older, kids need to be their own manager and take care of more things independently.
    • Kids need less practical support and more emotional support. As their "life coach" you can help them to clarify what outcomes they want and be there for them, without being over-involved.
    • 3 Core Skills Kid Need for the Digital Age:
      • Focus
      • Connection
      • Rest
    • Parents should try to model a life full of focus, connection and rest.
    • The New Adolescence offers tips and talking points on some difficult topics such as sex, drinking alcohol, drugs, and money, and ways to discuss them with your child.
      • The earlier kids start drinking alcohol, and the more they drinking in high school, the more likely it is that they will develop a substance abuse disorder.
      • It is important to note that marijuana today has higher THC and less CBD than in years past and pot use in adolescence has proven to hinder brain development.
    • Real-life social connections are a good antidote for depression, stress, and anxiety.
    Quotes

    Christine: "As parents, we haven't adapted to the massive changes (in our culture) and we're not continuing to adapt as things continue to change."

    Christine: "If we're used to doing everything for our kids and we find meaning and a sense of purpose in being somebody's chief of staff or manager, then it's hard. It's a loss of a role."

    Christine: "Kids need coaches to ask them to clarify what it is they want, what outcomes they are after and to help them to get those outcomes. You can be as emotionally supportive as you want but not over-involved."

    Audrey: "Our kids will have setbacks and make mistakes and sometimes get themselves into bad circumstances. These things are going to happen."

    Christine: "We can only do our best. I understand why parents are not engaging in some of these harder issues because it's hard to even understand what's going on."

    Audrey: "Your book is a great guidebook and it's a great start for people who are struggling. There's this balance that sometimes parents have a hard time finding, between letting your child grow up, gain more responsibility, more independence, trusting them, and changing your relationship."

    Audrey: "I think it's very simple to think about changing from being a manager to a coach. You're there for advice. You want them to come to you when they're struggling with something or need some help, but you are not going to, for instance, make their dentist appointment anymore. You share with them the phone number and make sure they know how often they need to go and that kind of thing."

    Christine: "We are living through an age of great distraction. At the same time, we're seeing a real change in the type of work these kids are going to be asked to do. Most of them will be paid to think...and focus."

    Christine: "They're not developing focus as a skill because they're multitasking all the time. They're constantly interrupted. They never learned to value focus or have the experience of doing deep work."

    Christine: "Focus is the superpower of the 21st century. That is the most important thing that they need for their success and happiness. We know that the sort of deep gratification and fulfillment comes from being able to persist in your long term goals. And that takes focus."

    Christine: "Building mastery takes focus. The things that are really gratifying to us, take focus. That's different from focusing for hours-on-end on a video game."

    Christine: "Connection is the most important predictor of happiness that we have. It's the most consistent finding we have in a hundred or so years of research. Our overall wellbeing is predicted consistently by both the breadth and depth of our real-life social connections."

    Christine: "This is a generation that is less connected, ironically, than previous generations. They spend less time with their friends."

    Christine: "The human nervous system evolved to be connected in person. We get a lot out of touch, even micro touches, like a pat on the shoulder, and eye contact. Our nervous system doesn't feel alone when it can make eye contact with somebody else."

    Christine: "When your nervous system feels like it's alone, as it does when you're alone in your room, but connecting with people over text or social media, it starts to feel stressed."

    Audrey: "If parents only do one thing, it's fostering the relationship with their kids and helping their kids foster those close face-to-face relationships."

    Christine: "When you look at the tsunami of mental illness that is coming toward us in terms of super high anxiety, depression, suicidality, it's explainable alone from a data standpoint--just by sleep depravation. When you control for sleep, all the problems start to go away."

    Christine: "Kids are the most under-slept teenagers we've ever seen. It's really affecting their mental health. They're under the impression that they need to stay up late, that it's more important to study than to sleep, that they're too busy to take breaks."

    Christine: "Our culture believes in busy-ness like it's a sign of your value, your productivity, your importance. And of course, none of that's true. It's completely limiting belief. But this is how we operate and our kids have picked up on this. They don't rest and it impairs their brain development."

    Audrey: "I'm better at what I do when I take breaks, if I get a good nights' sleep, if I have plenty of time to read, time with my friends, I'm better at everything else. Those rest breaks make me better."

    Audrey: "It's not that the screens are bad, there are lots of fun things that happen and connection, it's what it has replaced when kids are on them all the time."

    Christine: "If you have a kid who's struggling, they're not alone. You're not alone. It's really hard for all of us and there are a lot of resources out there."

    Christine: "We just have to engage. We just have to do our best. Once you have some more tools, you'll be able to do better. You'll see the quality of your relationship with your kids will change."

    About Christine

    [caption id="attachment_7187" align="alignright" width="243"] Photo Credit: Blake Farrington[/caption]

    Christine Carter, Ph.D., is a sociologist and the author of The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction (2020), The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less (2017) and Raising Happiness (2011). A senior fellow at UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, Carter draws on the latest scientific research in psychology, sociology, and neuroscience — and uses her own often hilarious real-world experiences — to give parenting, productivity and happiness advice. She lives with her husband, four teenagers, and dog Buster in Marin County, California.

    Resources

    Christine's free downloads are available on her website.

    Follow Christine of Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, or LinkedIn

    Her books: Raising Happiness, The Sweet Spot, The New Adolescence

    Coaching resources

    Christine Carter's Blog

    Greater Good Magazine

    Related

    Ep. 1: Raising Happiness with Christine Carter

    Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents, Christine Carter, Ph.D.

    Ep. 41: Getting Comfortable with our Kids' (and our own) Discomfort with Christine Carter

    The Sweet Spot: How to Find Your Groove at Home and Work, Christine Carter

    Ep. 123: Connection Comes First

    Ep. 93: Teaching Healthy Relationship Skills to Improve Lives

    Ep. 92: Creating Strong Relationships with Teens

    Connection Through Questions

    Ep. 2: 10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs


    [HAPPY CAMPERS BOOK] Camp Secret #1: Connection Comes First Nov 03, 2021
    Show notes

    Audio excerpt from HAPPY CAMPERS: 10 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Independent, Capable Kids Who Become Thriving Adults


    [ENCORE] Ep. 121: The Power of Showing Up Sep 10, 2021
    Show notes

    Dr. Tina Payne Bryson is one of my favorite people. She's a psychotherapist, founder and executive director of the Center for Connection in Pasadena, California, and co-author with Dr. Daniel Siegel of four of my favorite books, including The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become And How Their Brains Get Wired.

    Over the past several years, I've had the privilege of getting to know Tina not just as an amazing speaker and author but as a phenomenal person and friend. She even wrote the foreword for my book, Happy Campers!

    In The Power of Showing Up, Tina and Dan share important research and findings about childhood attachment and how being present for our kids is so vital for their healthy development. This book is helpful not only for parents but also for adults who want to better understand how their own childhoods impact their adult relationships and how to change generational patterns of insecure attachment.

    View more notes about the book & episode here.


    [ENCORE] Ep. 124: Promoting Mental Health with Dr. Jess Shatkin Aug 27, 2021
    Show notes

    Show notes & links available here.

    In this episode, I'm speaking with Dr. Jess Shatkin, about preventing mental illness and promoting health in children and adolescents. As a clinician, researcher and educator, Dr. Shatkin is one of the country's foremost experts in adolescent mental health, risk and resilience.

    Big Ideas
    • Extensive research about mental health has led us to a good understanding of what we can do preventatively for young people.
    • Dr. Shatkin offers practical strategies for parents and people working with kids to help prevent mental illness:
      • Practice authoritative parenting:
        • show love and support
        • give clear guidelines
        • set limits
        • reinforce positively
        • punish infrequently
      • Other parenting styles, authoritarian, permissive or negligent parenting, produce more negative outcomes for children.
      • Professionals need to understand and apply these authoritative parenting skills when working with kids.
      • Kids themselves can learn these basic tools of behavioral modification, and it would go a long way toward helping them have better relationships, social awareness, and improved mental health.
    • These behavioral modification tools are:
      • positive reinforcement
      • effective commands - brief directives not stated as questions and praise by labeling exactly what was done right
      • active ignoring - ignore the behavior you don't like coupled with positive reinforcement for good behavior
      • scheduling kids
      • using reward programs
      • limit setting
      • consequences (such as time-outs for little kids)
    • Global strategies to address these issues:
      • We should support more teacher training in these areas.
      • Early education should include teaching behavior modification, emotion regulation, emotion identification, and communication skills.
    • Resilience education with college students has lowered anxiety, improved mood, and coping skills, lowered dysfunctional attitudes.
    • Dr. Jess Shatkan's triumvirate of good health, three healthy habits that every parent can help their child to develop:
      • Exercise
        • When people exercise regularly, they feel better about themselves, they feel more competent and more empowered. Too many kids are not getting enough exercise. More physical activity leads to better concentration and overall health.
      • Sleep
        • Sleep is critical for managing stress and anxiety.
        • When people don't sleep their brain patterns are disrupted causing worse decision making, higher rates of obesity, and less empathy.
      • Nutrition
        • Obesity is a huge problem, as over 35% of children are overweight.
        • Parents need to provide healthy meals whenever possible, avoid fast food and pesticides and hormones in food.
        • Schools and parents can teach the importance of good nutrition.
    • Because excessive screen use is shown to have damaging effects on health and wellbeing, parents should enforce these screen rules:
      • parents own the screen and the child uses it as a reward or opportunity.
      • parents "friend" their kids on social media
      • parents supervise and limit screen time
      • screens should be in public spaces (not bedrooms)
      • use a blue light blocking device when used in the evening to avoid sleep problems
    • An environment like camp, which offers time away from screens, exercise, healthy food options, positive social interactions and well-trained counselors, promotes good mental health for our children.
    Quotes

    Jess: "Mental illness is growing in frequency, it's happening more commonly. The more we study it, the more we see it, the better our practitioners are trained, the more easily we pick it up, the more treatments we have, the better people do. But at the same time, we've learned so much now about mental health that there's a lot we can prevent."

    Jess: "Kids who have parents who are authoritative do much better in every way. They become better students. They're more likely to stay in school, less likely to have a premature pregnancy, less likely to get sexually transmitted infections, less likely to get involved in drugs, less likely to have accidents and injuries like automobile accidents. They are more likely to go to college. They're more likely to be healthy adults and not have depression and diabetes and all the rest. It's the amazing power of parenting."

    Jess: "I think that we should be teaching the skills that lead to this kind of approach, this sort of behavioral modification, in the earliest of years, that teachers could be using these skills in elementary schools and kids could be learning what these skills are in high school so that all their relationships are better."

    Jess: "So it's a mistake to ask your kids for things unless no is an acceptable answer. If you give them a choice, 'would you like to wear a sweater or jacket? It's cold tonight.' You get a choice, but it's not, 'do you want to put on something?' or 'do you want to brush your teeth?' or 'do you think it's time to do this or that?' Or 'how about cleaning your room buddy?' or those kinds of things."

    Jess: "Authoritative parenting can be taught through parent training--this is what I mean by prevention. We see a lot more mental illness amongst kids who drop out of school, amongst kids who have premature pregnancy, amongst kids who have accidents, injuries, and sexually transmitted infections. And these kinds of things will help us to manage the behavior of kids better so we don't get to that point."

    Audrey: "The camp counselor training that we do is a lot of this stuff that you're talking about. It's using positive words, ignoring things, pointing out the kid that's doing the thing right so that the other kids see that you noticed. It's all this basic stuff but most of them have not experienced it themselves before they've come to camp. And so they will tell us afterward that because of the training they got at camp, they're a better parent. They're great teachers."

    Audrey: "Some teachers don't know how to relate to kids. They go through their teacher training, they get their credentials, and they know all about physics or English, but they don't know what their kids need in order to feel belonging, connection to the teacher and a desire to learn what's being taught."

    Audrey: "I always say like connection before everything else. Connection before correction of course, but also just connection before learning. Your kid on the first day of school is sitting in that class of 30, and they're thinking, who's here am I gonna have any friends? Who's gonna be my partner at this science table? The teachers need to address that. Do a few team building activities like the ones we do at camp. It might take five minutes and then you have this connection and the kids are looking forward to going into that room and feeling part of this community. It's so fundamental. And the same with families. So I'm with you on that. I would love to see universal parent education."

    Jess: "When I go into schools and I say to parents, 'what do you want for your child by the time they graduate high school?' they never say 'be great at geometry' or 'be able to speak iambic pentameter.' What they say is, 'I want them to share. I want her to be a good citizen. I want him to do what he says he's going to do. I wanted to have good friends.' They never say anything about academics. Mostly its human qualities."

    Jess: "We spend a third of our lives asleep, yet nobody knows anything about sleep except for people who study sleep. And then there's a lot to know about sleep. Now you may not be able to make yourself a perfect sleeper by learning about sleep, but you can do a whole lot better than you're probably doing now. And it makes a big difference for people."

    Audrey: "I agree with you that the first thing is just parents understanding communication, how to relate to their child and have this authoritative style. But sleep is so critical and for parents too because when we don't get enough sleep, we are not good with anybody. So it's like everybody is sleep-deprived."

    Jess: "Increasingly we're recognizing that there really is an impact from screens. It impacts the brain, it impacts the way we perceive a threat, how anxious we feel. It affects our sleep in a big, big way, and when your sleep is affected, a lot of things are affected."

    Jess: "We can look deep into the brain now and we see the effect that being on screens is having on kids. We see less empathy and when the screens are taken away, they all of a sudden become more empathic."

    Jess: "Exercise helps our bodies in myriad ways, not the least of which is to sleep and burn calories effectively. You maintain a high metabolism, but also to improve your mood. We know that people who exercise regularly improve mood and we know that exercise works as well as psychotherapy for mild and moderate depression."

    Jess: "I always direct parents to do stuff with their kids. Go biking with your kid, take vigorous walks with your kid, go hiking with your kid. There's nothing better than family activity."

    Audrey: "I just think if there was one thing parents of young kids could do now is just keep the screens out for themselves too. It seems like that's a simple thing that actually if you're not on your screen as much, you're probably getting more exercise and more sleep."

    Jess: "There was an interesting study where they took middle school kids out in the woods for five days and they did school out in the woods and the kids had better eye contact at the end of those five days. They reported more empathy in the surveys that they completed. They were happier."

    Audrey: "It's true that when kids are at camp, they report that they feel happier and they feel like they have better friends in those two weeks at camp than all year because it's real connection without distraction. And they're outside, getting tons of exercise and a lot more sleep and nutritious food."

    Resources

    Dr. Jess P. Shatkin, MD, MPH, is a board-certified child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist, who leads the educational efforts of the NYU Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. He sees patients each day, in addition to running all medical student, resident, and psychology training emanating from the department. In addition, Dr. Shatkin has developed the nation's largest undergraduate program in child/adolescent development at NYU, which teaches 100 courses to over 5,000 students each year. Finally, Dr. Shatkin studies adolescent risk, resilience, and the prevention of mental illness. He has written two books, over 100 scientific articles, and is a popular presenter at meetings and conferences worldwide.

    Dr.JessPShatkin.com

    Social media: @DrJessPShatkin Facebook

    Dr. Shatkin's radio show on Sirius XM

    Dr. Shatkin, Born to be Wild book

    Dr. Shatkin, Child & Adolescent Mental Health

    Alan Kazdin, Parent Management Training Book

    Cynthia Whitham, Win the Whining War

    Thomas Gordon, Parent Effectiveness Training

    Related

    Ep. 16 about Dr. Shatkin's book Born to be Wild: Why teens take risks and how we can help keep them safe.

    Ep. 111: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World

    Ep. 87: The Impact of Camp Experiences with Laurie Browne, Ph.D.

    10 Reasons Great Parents Choose Summer Camp for Their Kids


    [ENCORE] Ep. 52: 9 Ways to Help Kids Process Summer Camp and Other Experiences Aug 13, 2021
    Show notes

    In Episode 52, Sara Kuljis and I chat about ways to help our kids process experiences. The ideas work for post-summer camp debriefing but also for our kids' other adventures and experiences.

    Sara is a 20-year veteran camp director and parenting trainer who has great insights and ideas about parenting and counseling kids.

    Sara, with her husband Steve, owns and directs Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp, a Christian adventure camp for children ages 8 to 16 years old founded 45 years ago by Sara's parents Jim and Marna Slevcove. Together, the Kuljises also direct Emerald Cove Day Camp in San Juan Capistrano, a day camp that serves children from kindergarten through 4th grade.

    9 Ways to Help Kids Process Experiences
    1. Plan time to rest/process.
    2. Listen to their stories.
    3. Look through photos together.
    4. Ask thoughtful questions: • What did you enjoy/love? • What was challenging? • When (not if!) you do it again, what will you do differently?
    5. Avoid "interviewing for pain" (Wendy Mogel).
    6. Bring home a ritual or tradition: • Flower Sundays • WOWs • Goodnight Song
    7. Continue with an interest that's been sparked (archery, guitar, etc.).
    8. Create a remembrance.
    9. Encourage kids to stay in touch with new friends.

    Books We Talked About

    Off the Clock, Laura Vanderkam

    Blessing of a Skinned Knee, Wendy Mogel

    Blessing of a B-, Wendy Mogel

    Like listening to Sara and Audrey chat? Here are our other podcast episodes!

    https://sunshine-parenting.com/2019/04/ep-85-grit-is-grown-outside-the-comfort-zone-pegtalk/

    Ep. 3: Raising Resilient, Independent Kids

    Ep. 7: Family Pace & Space

    Ep. 23: Peaceful Mornings

    Ep. 28: Focusing on Our Kids' Strengths

    Ep. 37: How to Get Ready for Overnight Summer Camp

    Ep. 39: How to Handle Your Camper's Homesickness

    Ep. 57: The Importance of Adult Friendships

    Ep. 63: Growing Gratitude

    Ep. 77: Comparison is the Thief of (Parenting) Joy

    Ep. 82: Sibling Conflict, Pt. 1

    Ep. 86: Conflict Resolution Skills for Siblings (and Everyone Else!)


    [ENCORE] Ep. 144: Raising Happy, Durable Kids in the Digital Age Aug 06, 2021
    Show notes

    Show Notes

    This week's discussion is with Jenifer Joy Madden, author of How to be a Durable Human. We participated in a conversation for Digital Wellness Day, and this episode is a recording of our conversation from that webinar. We discussed concepts from both of our books.

    Madden is a health and environmental journalist who is also a digital broadcaster and adjunct professor for Syracuse University in their DC Program. Madden is a child advocate who has volunteered her time to establish new walking and biking trails throughout northern Virginia. Madden is also the parent of three durable adults.

    Listen to Episode 30 if you'd like to hear my first interview with Jenifer about her book, How To Be a Durable Human: Revive and Thrive in the Digital Age Through the Power of Self-Design. And you can listen to our second chat here: Ep. 71: Growing Your Child's Bushy Broccoli Brain.

    Big Ideas

    Our kids need to be seen and heard especially during the pandemic.

    We still need routines even if we and/or our kids are having a hard time right now.

    When we "think outside the loop" we can create memorable moments for our families.

    It's important for us to be "durable" and for us to help our kids become "durable" as well.

    Quotes

    Audrey: We have to be more intentional and in control of this digital world that is so much now a part of what we do.

    Audrey: During times of stress or challenge is where we build our resilience or our durability.

    Jenifer: Resilience has more to do with being knocked down and being able to get up again, but durability is to endure day to day and to actually maybe even grow in strength.

    Jenifer: Almost every expert agrees that we need to be rocks and models. And what I mean by that is that for children, we are their constant in all of this. Their lives have totally been upended as have ours, except we're the adults in the room. And so we have to be reassuring to them and we have to be steady and they have to lean on us.

    Jenifer: Especially when we're talking about technology, we have to be aware of how we're using our technology so it doesn't get in the way of them.

    Audrey: During meals is a good time for everybody to catch up and see each other. And then bedtimes are very important for that, too.

    Audrey: I think a lot of parents are feeling really frazzled just from the pressures of everything going on. And I just think that I know with my kids who are a little bit older, it's been really good for us to just be sharing. We share at dinner our highs and lows. And just to say, "You know what, today was a better day because this and this and this, and today I was just really feeling discouraged or down." and being really open and honest with them that these are very real and normal feelings during this time to not feel like your best self every day.

    Jenifer: We have to know we're not superheroes. We can't be. We can't have our finger on every pulse at every moment. We almost have to lower the expectations for ourselves.

    Audrey: Just a simple activity that we can all do right now is just to make a really short list of just the little things in life that bring us some delight.

    Audrey: They always say at the end of our life, the things that you're going to miss most are just the real basic stuff, like having a cup of coffee with your spouse and chatting in the morning and smiling and talking with your kids and laughing over a funny joke around dinner. I mean it's those things that money can't buy.

    Jenifer: The experts are also saying that we need to validate their feelings, which is if they're moping around, rather than giving them a hard time, say, "I understand, I know what you're going through," and they suggest you can say, "I'm here."

    Audrey: It is great to have a really warm, close relationship with your kids, but it is not the same. We are not the same for them as what their peers and their friends do for them.

    Jenifer: The hug is like a muscle relaxant, tranquilizer, and love potion all rolled into one.

    Jenifer: Having screen-free bedrooms is a good idea.

    Audrey: We need to raise people who are able to make good decisions and promote their own good habits.

    Audrey: In order for your little microcosm of your home to function well, everybody needs to be pitching in.

    Audrey: The message of pro kindness and reaching out and having compassion for others is far more powerful in a way that we can appeal to their identity as a person.

    Jenifer: Once you get them going, their imaginations do take off.

    Audrey: When the kids are there all day, you really do need to strategize some ways to get them and encourage them to play either on their own or with their siblings without needing you there all the time.

    Jenifer: When they grow up and they want to go to medical school, they want to be a surgeon, they have to be able to handle a needle. So this is another reason to give them play-dough instead of a screen.

    Jenifer: We have to have this overview of giving our children some time to be bored and not be constantly entertained. So they actually start to think for themselves.

    Audrey: Doing things with our hands is to me kind of a good, relaxing thing too.

    Audrey: It's interesting that we are being drawn to these things that make us more durable.

    Jenifer: I think things might get even more confusing than they are now. And so we have to be checking in with ourselves about: Are we getting upset? Is there a way that I can back out of this and not be so upset? I think that using techniques such as deep breathing, removing yourself from the situation, placing your hands on a hard surface if that's the least you can do, close your eyes and take some deep breaths just to get yourself pulled back together because there are going to be challenges and we need to have quick strategies to figure out, "Wait a minute, I'm flying off the handle. I don't want to, I'm not going to." and walk away.

    Audrey: What a great example we can set if we can manage to just take even one or two deep breaths before we respond.

    Jenifer: I know it's possible for you to be durable and keep that compassion and that intuition and creativity up front.

    Links

    How to be a Durable Human by Jenifer Joy Madden

    Digital Wellness Day

    Digital Wellness Collective

    Unplugged Family

    Interview with Coach Madlin of Unplugged Family and Jenifer Joy Madden

    Related Posts & Episodes

    Ep. 30: How to Raise a Durable Human with JJ Madden

    Ep. 116: Why We Need to Unplug to Connect with our Families

    10 Lessons for Parents Raising Children in a Digital World

    Ep. 71: Growing Your Child's Bushy Broccoli Brain


    [ENCORE] Ep. 151: Dealing with Uncertainty & Building Resilience with Dr. Nicole Beurkens Jul 30, 2021
    Show notes

    SHOW NOTES

    My guest this week is Dr. Nicole Beurkens. As a licensed clinical psychologist with advanced degrees in psychology, education, and nutrition, Dr. Nicole Beurkens is the world's leading holistic child psychologist. She has dedicated her 22+ year career to providing parents with research-based strategies that get to the root of children's attention, anxiety, mood, and behavior challenges so they can reach their highest potential. She runs a multi-disciplinary evaluation and treatment clinic and is a best-selling author, published researcher, award-winning therapist, and experienced mother of four.

    Big Ideas

    One of the best things we can do for our kids is stay grounded ourselves and model that for them.

    There is often not a "right" or "wrong" choice. It's important to look at what is best for your family to help you decide.

    It's important for kids to have independent time either by themselves or with their siblings.

    It's helpful to pay attention to our coping skills and model healthy ones for our family that do not always involve screens.

    Quotes

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: Parents and kids are now facing starting a year in a really different way. And just the uncertainty of that is generating a lot of anxiety and a lot of distress for kids. But I would say even more so for parents. I get asked all the time, "What do we do for the kids? What do we do for the kids?" And the reality of it is it's really how we're dealing with it as parents that sets the tone for how our kids deal with it.

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: The first thing is to realize exactly what we're talking about—that the tone that we set as adults, as parents really makes the most difference. If we're able to manage our own emotions and behaviors around this in healthier ways, that really goes a long way to helping kids do that.

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: We need to figure out how to keep ourselves more stable and more regulated.

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: We need to find some time to ground ourselves and to help ourselves through the feelings and the things that are going on for us.

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: It's super healthy and important for kids to have time when an adult is not structuring or generating and initiating activities.

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: Please realize you can step back and take some time to do the work catch-up that you need to do, to sit down with a book and a cup of tea for a few minutes, if that is soothing to you, to go out and take that walk, to do the things that help keep you healthy—your kids can go navigate that time by themselves.

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: Ultimately what happens is they start to find things to do. And that's really where an increase in creativity and self-generated activity and initiative comes from is when we allow them to have times where they have to figure it out either independently or with their siblings.

    Audrey Monke: I think part of it is that when both parents work outside the home, I think what they're used to is when the time that they are home, maybe it's dinner time or whatever, it's very concentrated family time. So I think this shift when your kids are always there, maybe that's an issue that people think, "Oh, it's supposed to always be this like full on work."

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: Screens do not always have to be an option for kids and shouldn't always be an option for kids. And in fact, they should have times during the day when they're not options and there's other things they need to do.

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: It's so true that very often now for kids their default, if no one is engaging them in something, is just passive screen time kinds of things. So we need to be intentional about setting times and spaces where that's not happening and here's the secret to that: 100% expect they will not like that. And that is okay. It is totally okay.

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: It's something I'm seeing in a lot of older teens and young adults now in my practice that they have not learned how to tolerate uncomfortable feelings, how to be with themselves and their own thoughts because their generation has just grown up sort of defaulting to using passive scrolling through social media or, you know, doing things online and on their devices as a way to kind of numb that. And while that works in the short term, it is not a good longterm strategy and it's not a strategy for helping kids grow up to be more resilient, to be emotionally and behaviorally regulated.

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: Now you may be on the computer for many hours a day for work related things, but to even be intentional about things like device-free meal, times to be intentional about when I'm doing something with you, playing a game, taking a walk, doing some kind of play with you. I don't have my devices there. To be intentional about your children seeing you doing activities and things where you're taking a break from the devices where they're not part of the picture, seeing you doing things for yourself to relax and engage in self-care without resorting to devices. Those are really important models. And I think those are far more powerful than the things that we tell them about.

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: That's the thing we've had conversations with the kids about. Okay, let's think about all the possible scenarios. And let's just kind of think through some plans for that. And I think that's really helpful strategy for parents and kids to be doing. Especially if you have kids at those milestone kinds of situations.

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: I think what that does in thinking that through is it just brings that anxiety down because anxiety is all about uncertainty and about things that we can't control. And while we can't control those things, just by thinking through and making some plans and having like a Plan A, a Plan B a Plan C and even just talking through and anticipating how that will feel and how we'll respond to that. That's a really productive way of helping kids process and work through those emotions.

    Audrey Monke: I think all of us need to be flexible and that's in workplaces, in families, in schools, teachers, everyone, because like you said, everyone's kind of doing the best they can.

    Audrey Monke: We've all been talking about mindfulness and how important that is, but it's almost like we're being forced now to be aware and totally better with what is going on inside of us. I think when you slow down, all the stuff comes up.

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: A lot of our typical coping strategies have been taken away because at least in the United States, a lot of the default coping is to stay busy.

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: What are the silver linings here? Or what are some of the benefits?

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: Nothing that's going to happen is all bad.

    Dr. Nicole Beurkens: As families and as parents, we can support each other and realize that there is no right or wrong, there are options. And you need to look at what is in the best interest of your family's health, wellness, wellbeing.

    Audrey Monke: Like you said, you can pivot if it seems like it's not working.

    Links

    Dr. Beurkens' Website with resources for parents and professionals

    Horizons Developmental Resource Center

    Better Behavior Show Podcast

    Life Will Get Better Book

    One Simple Thing

    More of, Less of, Same of (MO, LO, SO)

    One Simple Thing video series

    My Favorite Simon & Schuster Audio · THE POWER OF MOMENTS Audiobook Excerpt

    Creating moments during COVID (surprise camp blanket & jacket presentations):


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