Relationships Let's Talk About It!

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112. A Journey With A Dying Parent Oct 06, 2020

Show notes

Adley Gartenstein is the former president and co-owner of Film Movement, a distributor of independent, award-winning films from around the world. Over the last two decades, Adley has been a counselor, trainer, and workshop leader in the co-counseling community. My friendship with Adley goes back to 25 years ago when we met at the Esalen Institute. Since then, we've formed a friendship so profound that he has become the godfather of my son, Zander.

In this episode, Adley and I discuss his journey with healing as he took care of his dying mother. We explore how he had assumed the role of caretaker for his mother since he was a child and describe how that impacted his sense of self-worth. We illustrate how Adley committed to becoming a great son, regardless of his mother's shortcomings as a parent. We also discuss my experience with my father's death and underscore the honor that comes with being present in a person's final moments on Earth.

"Being around a dying person is, in a way, a transition into adulthood; to play that role of caretaker, to make it about somebody else, and to care about that person." - Adley Gartenstein

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

Assuming the role of caretaker for his mother from childhood
How feeling responsibility for his mother's well being affected Adley's self-compass
Claiming Adley's right to be a great son, regardless of childhood experiences
Understanding how trauma gets passed down through generations
The beginnings of Adley's journey into healing
My experience with the death of my father
Deciding not to be the victim of one's circumstances and breaking the cycle of darkness and trauma
The power of spending time with a dying person and the lessons it can teach us
Feeling liberation from trauma and fulfillment of duty

Related Content:

Is Love a Choice or a Feeling?

Connect with Adley Gartenstein:

Adley Gartenstein on LinkedIn

Let's Talk About It!

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Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

111. Foundational Trust in Long Term Relationships Sep 29, 2020

Show notes

Questions about the meaning of trust and how couples can establish it in their relationships frequently come up in my practice as a couples counselor. Trust is a cornerstone of long-term relationships. My wife, Yvonne Rainbow Teplitsky, is a fashion designer, artist, and owner of the Artsy Goddess Studio. In the 25 years I have shared with her, trust - in each other, and ourselves as individuals - has carried us through better or worse. Part of Rainbow's mission is to help heal ourselves and the world we live in. And sincere apologies, she says, not only bring healing to couples but are also an essential ingredient to a relationship's longevity.

In today's episode, Rainbow and I emphasize the importance of trust in relationships. We discuss the value of trusting yourself in bringing the kind of partner you want to be in a relationship. We share some of the challenges and issues we have navigated throughout our life together and underscore the need to trust that each person will help move the relationship through conflict. We also illustrate the power of cultivating friendship with your partner and how appreciation can drive a relationship through the years.

"Apologizing well is a huge key to good long-term relationships. It brings so much healing." - Yvonne Rainbow Teplitsky

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

How longevity allows a relationship to go deeper and create foundational trust
Open and honest communication as a key to friendship between a couple
How welcoming our vulnerabilities in deep conversations fostered trust in our relationship
Giving each other the space to speak and using "I" statements
What it means to trust yourself in a relationship and advocate for what you want
Cherishing the good times and paying attention to your partner's likes and preferences
The role of trust in moving through crises, navigating grief, and financial crises
Choosing each other and the partner you want to be
Trusting in working through challenges and how overcoming issues makes a couple stronger
Capturing beautiful moments, giving compliments, and the power of appreciation in long-term relationships
Navigating parenthood and raising a child
Growing together in the relationship and allowing each other to grow on their own
Trusting in your connection when you're apart and not physically together

Related Content:

Connect with Yvonne Rainbow Teplitsky:

Let's Talk About It!

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, contact us. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

110. HeartShare: Expressing Needs Sep 22, 2020

Show notes

We all have needs. We all have different ways we want our partners to treat us. But sometimes, when we express our needs and wants, it comes out as biting or accusatory, even if we didn't mean for it to. And instead of getting what we wanted, we are met with defensiveness, if not blame. We can't control how others receive us, but we can always control how we express our needs to our partners. It falls to us to be open to learning how we can better identify our needs and properly communicate them.

In this episode, I discuss different ways we can express our needs and wants to our partners without blaming or criticizing them. I explain why it's important for us to know our own needs and explore why some people feel guilt or shame from having them. I also describe how we can use nonviolent communication as a tool to foster a conversation around our emotions and desires, as well as illustrate how we can encourage our partners to express their own needs.

"You have a responsibility to yourself and to your partner to be clear about your needs because you are an expert on what you want and what you need." - Pripo Teplitsky

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

The difference between expressing a positive need and a negative need
Expressing needs to make them positive and why negative needs come from a victim mindset
The value of identifying your needs and how our emotions derive from our needs
Why some people feel guilt or shame over having needs and wants
Playing with the difference between needs, wants, and preferences
The principle of nonviolent communication and its relationship with unmet needs
How to communicate more consciously to express your needs and wants
Identifying and requesting specific behaviors and actions for a specific need to be met
Differentiating an expression of need from criticism
Why we shouldn't expect our partners to know what our needs are
Expressing your needs as a form of self-care and how to encourage your partner to express theirs more
Understanding your partner's uniqueness and quirks and being open to them
The importance of boundaries in getting needs met in a healthy relationship
Why the phrase "You make me feel..." is disempowering and how to take responsibility for your emotions
Inviting curiosity into your inner feelings and opening the path to self-discovery

Related Content:

Let's Talk About It!

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, visit our podcast page to leave us a voice message. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

109. HeartShare: "It's Not Fair" Sep 15, 2020

Show notes

Life isn't fair. So, it's only natural for us to want things to be just. We do our best to create fairness in different areas of our lives: in the economy, in opportunity, and even in our relationships. In our shared life with our partners, we want things to be 50/50, to be equitable. I am a staunch advocate of cultivating balance, but seeking fairness in relationships is different, and attachment to the idea can negatively impact a couple and their connection.

In this episode, I explore why we attach to the idea of fairness and explain how it can be detrimental to our relationships. I share some of my experiences with wanting things to be fair and recount the story of a couple who worked through the idea of equality in their relationship. I differentiate seeking balance against seeking equity in relationships and why keeping scores can lead us to getting stuck. I also discuss how the power of appreciation and curiosity can help us overcome our attachment to fairness and find balance in the relationship.

"If you're willing to let go of what is fair and instead focus on what's loving, you'll discover connection, understanding, and transformation." - Pripo Teplitsky

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

Experiencing the vulnerability of not being in control
Our tendency to give based on equality and how fairness can be detrimental to a relationship
Treating the relationship as a third entity
Focusing on the needs of the relationship versus being fair and keeping score
How being honest with your needs and capacity will help your relationship work as a team
How our childhood experiences shape our notions of fairness
The difference between seeking balance and seeking fairness in the relationship
The role of effective communication skills in maintaining a relationship's balance
The impact of bringing, and complementing, each others' strengths in a relationship
The story of a couple who overcame the need to be fair in their relationship
How we bring our ideas of fairness to workplace relationships
Looking at a relationship through the lens of kindness and trusting in the process of giving and receiving
Bringing curiosity in relationships and how it can help us move beyond the scorekeeping
Making room in the relationship where dreams could be realized and needs could be met

Related Content:

Let's Talk About It!

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, visit our podcast page to leave us a voice message. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

108. Under Stress, We Regress Sep 08, 2020

Show notes

A lot of people are in tremendous stress as a result of the global pandemic. Some people find themselves falling back to some old behavior patterns that they thought they had already let go. This is what's called regression: a defensive mechanism for coping with stress. It's a common phenomenon many of us experience unconsciously. Corey Costanzo - a licensed addictions counselor and good friend of mine - believes that a significant part of managing our regressive responses to stress is mindfulness. Corey is a licensed massage and bodywork therapist, somatic experiencing practitioner, and co-owner of Still Point Wellness, a premier Esalen Massage and Salt Water Floatation spa in Asheville.

Today, Corey and I discuss our tendency to regress when we are under stress. We highlight the different ways regression can manifest in our lives and how they can impact our relationships. We share some of the tools you can use to learn how to recognize regressive tendencies and manage them. We also draw from our personal experiences with regression and illustrate how we work with it, as well as emphasize the parents' roles in teaching children how to cope with stress and negative experiences.

"It's important for everybody to figure out the resources to be able to stand up in the face of uncomfortable sensations and thoughts." - Corey Costanzo

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

How a stunted developmental stage can result in adult regression
The collective stress resulting from the pandemic and how stress triggers regressive behavior
Substance use and addiction as a form of regression and the importance of bringing regressive behavior into the consciousness
Regression and self-sabotage
The difference between a regressed response versus a partnered response
The value of communicating our needs and meeting them ourselves
How mindfulness can help the awareness of regression and recognition of stress
The neuroscience of stress and meditation and how our brain regresses to primitive lifeforms when we're stressed
Corey's experiences with regression and how he transforms them
How our regressive behaviors are exhibited when we're with family
My tendency to shut down and get defensive under stressful situations
Experiencing tension, anxiety, and regression in the body
What it means to resource for ourselves
Regression in children and teenagers and how parents can model calm and mindfulness for their kids
The importance of seeking support in times of stress

Related Content:

Resources Mentioned:

Headspace App

Connect with Corey Costanzo

Let's Talk About It!

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, visit our podcast page to leave us a voice message. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

107. Anxiety in Families Sep 01, 2020

Show notes

Laura Morton has been in the entertainment industry for more than 25 years as a writer, producer, and entrepreneur. She has written over 40 books, 19 of which have become New York Times bestsellers, including The Truth Is…: My Life in Love and Music, an autobiography she co-authored with Melissa Etheridge. Today, Laura is on a mission to bring anxiety out of the darkness and help normalize it: a mission she carries through writing and producing Anxious Nation, a forthcoming feature documentary film on anxiety and its impact on families.

Today, Laura and I explore the anxiety crisis that many families, teenagers, and children experience. We consider the spike of anxiety among young people today and the role of parents in managing it. We discuss social isolation, how it impacts our mental health, and how human connection can be a rich source of happiness. We also discuss Laura's film, Anxious Nation and the ideas that inspired her to write and produce it as well as the need to destroy the stigma enveloping mental illness.

"Social media is a symptom of anxiety; the cause is a generation of parents who never learned how to deal with their own anxiety." - Laura Morton

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

The idea and inspiration behind Laura's documentary film, Anxious Nation
Why Laura thinks social media is a symptom of anxiety
The impact of a generation of anxious parents on today's young people
The reason anxiety needs to be treated systematically
The relationship between anxiety and worry
Today's anxiety crisis and how the quarantine has affected people with anxiety
The need for parents to model how to deal with anxiety
The impact of social isolation on mental health and human connection as a source of happiness
'Keeping up with the Joneses' and the anxiety of choice
The four kinds of addiction that impact the lives of people
The power of attuning to yourself
Conscious parenting and why parents need to trust in the path of their children
Environmental, political, and social challenges that burden today's generation

Connect with Laura Morton:

Laura Morton
Anxious Nation on Facebook
Laura Morton on Facebook
Email: laura@lauramortonmanagement.com

Let's Talk About It!

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, visit our podcast page to leave us a voice message. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

106. HeartShare: Is Your Relationship Stuck On Autopilot? Aug 25, 2020

Show notes

When something is enduring and permanent, we can often take it for granted. This happens in long-term relationships, too, and when we take it for granted, we assume it will take care of itself. We go full-on autopilot in our relationship, abandoning all semblance of control, and think that by the end of it all, our partners will still be there. There are so many ways that we put our relationship on autopilot - some of them we're not even aware of until it's too late.

Today, I explore the different ways we go on autopilot in our lives, whether in our relationship with our partners or ourselves. I describe the relationship between mindfulness and going on autopilot, explain how we become unhappy when our mind wanders, and discuss how we can avoid it through introspection. I also highlight the importance of slowing down to directly experience our lives and share some questions you can ask yourself to help you disrupt your tendency to autopilot your life and relationships.

"The alternative to being on autopilot is being conscious. It's about having a deep awareness of our relationships and our environment." - Pripo Teplitsky

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

Going on autopilot mode in our relationships and life
How the wandering mind can bring unhappiness and how we go on autopilot in our relationship with ourselves
Self-diagnosing our tendency to be on autopilot
The dangers of creating meaning out of our experiences and assuming what our partners feel, think, or experience
Consciousness as an antidote to autopiloting in relationships
How conscious people know themselves more deeply
How the power of introspection can help disrupt our unconscious daily routine
Being closer to somebody else than our partners
Why it takes effort and work to be intimate in the relationship
The benefits of slowing down to directly experience what's in front of you
Bringing intent and curiosity into our lives to overcome autopiloting
The difference between having a narrative and a direct experience
How meditation can bring more conscious awareness and alleviate getting stuck on autopilot

Related Content:

Let's Talk About It!

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, visit our podcast page to leave us a voice message. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

105. A Millennial's Take On Education and Work Aug 18, 2020

Show notes

Many people from the older generation, or even from my generation, think of younger people in a negative light. They accuse millennials of being lazy, entitled, or disengaged from life - but that's not at all my experience with them, and it's not Zander's experience with his diligent peers, either. My son, Zander Teplitsky, is turning 24, and is spending the summer at home, on break from his studies at Maastricht University in Maastricht, Netherlands, where he is pursuing a degree in science with an emphasis in biology.

In this episode, Zander and I explore aspects of his experience with work and education as a millennial. We discuss how digital and social media has impacted interpersonal communication and connection. We consider the millennial's ideal work environment and how there's a lack of focus on interpersonal skills and growth in companies. We also discuss how younger generations are viewed negatively and how the absence of the rites of passage in our society has contributed to the disconnect between generations.

"Younger people need to try as many jobs as they can dip their toes into. Don't feel like you have to stay in one position just because it shows resolve." - Zander Teplitsky

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

How some groups of people think millennials are lazy and detached
Challenges millennials face and why they have to work harder than previous generations
The benefits and challenges of digital media and communication usage among millennials
How millennial couples utilize digital communication and social media to connect with each other and how it affects them
Zander's experiences in the International People's College and Maastricht University
The value of maintaining a multicultural relationship
How Zander's education at the IPC and Maastricht University helps him communicate in interpersonal relationships
Zander's upbringing around appreciation and how it helped him cultivate interpersonal relationships
The evolution of rites of passages in our society, their absence, and their impact on how different generations view each other
The Western culture of hyper-independence
Zander's explorations in business and glasswork and how the latter sparked his interest in science
Why Zander advises young people to try as many jobs as they can
The millennial's ideal work environment and the lack of focus on interpersonal growth in the workplace
Diversity in the millennials' social relationships

Related Content:

Let's Talk About It!

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, visit our podcast page to leave us a voice message. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

104. The Loss of Touch Aug 11, 2020

Show notes

Gregg Levoy is a lecturer and seminar leader in the areas of business, education, and human potential. As a speaker, Gregg has delivered workshops and keynotes for organizations such as Microsoft and the Smithsonian. He is an eloquent writer whose books, Vital Signs: Discovering and Sustaining Your Passion for Life and Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life, reflect his mission of helping people find and sustain their passions in life and has been rated among the Workforce Information Group's Top 20 Career Publications.

In this episode, Gregg and I explore the challenges and grief we experience in the time of COVID-19 due to the loss of touch. We discuss how the pandemic has us in "stranger danger" mode and how avoiding physical touch in light of social distancing can affect us mentally and physically. We illustrate what it's like to experience social distancing for a single person who lives alone and describe alternative ways we can satisfy our need for physical touch while we're isolated. We also discuss how we, as a society, may need to relearn and re-approach how we consent to physical touch and how we can address the difficult emotions we feel due to the loss of physical connection.

"We're grieving the loss of physical connection. That arm slung across the shoulder is worth its weight in gold. They're not just toss-away gestures." - Gregg Levoy

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

Why the loss of touch during the pandemic is heightened for people who live alone
Harlow's monkey experiment and why physical touch is like a social glue
The science of physical touch and how its lack compromises our immune systems
Why physical touch is more essential than the other senses
Exploring our relationship with touch
Alternative means of giving others and ourselves physical touch in light of social and physical distancing
The grief we feel over the loss of physical touch
How physical and social distancing can benefit the dating scene
Why some people aren't comfortable with physical touch
How and why the people in the U.S. were touch-deprived even before the pandemic
Learning the ways of consenting to touch in light of COVID-19
Being in touch with difficult emotions due to the pandemic, social isolation, and loss of touch

Related Content:

Connect with Gregg Levoy:

Gregg Levoy Website
Gregg Levoy on Facebook
Book: Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life by Gregg Levoy
Book: Vital Signs: Discovering and Sustaining Your Passion for Life by Gregg Levoy

Let's Talk About It!

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, visit our podcast page to leave us a voice message. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

103. Couples Communication: Circling Techniques Aug 04, 2020

Show notes

Cathy Courtenay is a Conscious Relating Coach who brings her heart and listening skills to everything that she does, whether it's dance or Body-Mind Centering. She is a true gift to the relational world, and through leading the Art of Circling, Cathy cultivates a safe space for people where they can stand in their truth and experience what is real for them. Responding to life's call to find truth, Cathy is committed to a mission of helping uplift humanity and develop profound compassion and empathy in the world.

In this episode, Cathy and I explore and demonstrate the art of circling and how it can cultivate relational skills between couples. We discuss how society has conditioned us to be solutions-oriented and how we tend to be uncomfortable with simply being present for another person. We describe the different kinds of noticing and illustrate how we make assumptions on or judge our experiences. We also underscore the role of curiosity in practicing the art of circling and detail how couples can establish circling as a daily practice.

"The more curiosity you can bring in, the greater the ability there will be for more understanding, connection, and intimacy." - Cathy Courtenay

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

The art of circling and how it can help couples develop relational skills
The importance of authentic communication between couples amid the pandemic
How circling can help us sit with our experiences, whether they're good or challenging
Our tendency to correct and fix people in contrast to just being present with them
Demonstrating two exercises in the art of circling
The importance of expanding and practicing our emotional vocabulary
Practicing the art of circling without the need to solve a problem or arrive at a goal
The two different types of noticing and what it means to observe without judgment
Falling into the blame game when we feel shame and why we need to own our experiences
Establishing the practice of circling as a daily habit
Why it can be challenging for some people to practice the art of circling

Related Content:

Resources Mentioned:

Book: Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown

Connect with Cathy Courtenay:

Let's Talk About It!

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, visit our podcast page to leave us a voice message. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

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