Relationships Let's Talk About It!

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122. Emotional Attunement Dec 15, 2020

Show notes

Emotional attunement is a crucial skill to develop: it enables us to truly understand the people with whom we share moments in our lives, their experience, and their perspective. It allows us to deepen our relationship in a meaningful way. Emotional attunement has allowed the founder of Artsy Goddess Studio, Yvonne Rainbow Teplitsky, to connect with people and easily empathize throughout her life. But while it comes naturally for people like my wife Rainbow, it can be challenging for some to connect with other people on a more profound level. Like all skills, emotional attunement could be honed with intent and practice.

In this episode, Rainbow and I discuss how emotional attunement has benefited our relationship. We illustrate parenting's role in the development of emotional attunement in a child and describe how emotional attunement has impacted our parenting skills. We discuss how we can foster emotional attunement within ourselves and explore the need to cultivate self-compassion first before we can be open to witnessing our partners' difficult experiences. We also explain how becoming emotionally attuned allows a couple to give each other feedback with ease and equip them with tools to repair conflict.

"Emotional attunement is a big balancing act in our relationships and families. It's important to be present with those who you are together with." - Yvonne Rainbow Teplitsky

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

What emotional attunement means and how it's similar to empathy
How emotional attunement develops in early childhood years
Secure attachment and the gift of understanding a child's needs
How the lack of emotional attunement from parents impacts a person's adulthood
The value of attuning to ourselves and our emotional needs
Understanding our partners' emotions through emotional attunement
Why emotional attunement is natural to some people but challenging for others
Non-defensive listening and asking open-ended questions to deepen our connection with loved ones
What happens when we fail to emotionally attune with our partners
The importance of cultivating self-compassion and self-kindness
Emotional attunement in leadership and at work
The advantages of being a 'highly sensitive person' and how Yvonne learned to set up boundaries over time
Tuning in to somebody's emotions without taking care of them
How emotional attunement allows partners to be open to feedback from each other
The role of emotional attunement in expressing, understanding, and acknowledging needs and boundaries
Daily maintenance connection and the value of intentionally making the time to connect deeply

Related Content:

Connect with Yvonne Rainbow Teplitsky:

Let's Talk About It!

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You can check out the original songs I have sung in my podcast at Pripo's Podcast Songs.

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Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

121. HeartShare: Contempt - The Biggest Predictor of Relationship Failure Dec 08, 2020

Show notes

If appreciation is the number one relationship booster, what is the biggest thing that can undermine a relationship? The answer: contempt - that pattern of feelings and behaviors that expresses disgust and scorn towards a person or a group of people, ultimately dehumanizing them. The severity of contempt's impact on people can make it seem like it's easy to recognize; yet, contempt enters relationships as subtle as poison administered in careful, incremental drops.

In this episode, I discuss how contempt can usher a relationship to its failure. I share John Gottman's definition of contempt and describe what causes it to sneak into intimate relationships. I highlight some behaviors that cultivate the seeds of contempt and explain why it's so difficult to resolve. I also reveal how we can heal and reverse contempt in relationships and discuss how kindness and compassion can be antithetical to contempt.

"Contempt is a deep, slow poison in relationships. It goes for the kill by attacking a person's sense of self." - Pripo Teplitsky

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

The contagious nature of contempt and how it sneaks into intimate relationships
Contempt in inter-personal relationships and how it bred the Holocaust
How contempt makes partners seem more like opponents than a couple
Examples of contemptuous remarks and body languages
Contemptuous communication in social media and how it hinders productive dialog
John Gottman's "bid for connection" and how ignoring your partner's efforts can undermine a relationship
Withdrawing as a response to contempt and how neediness can lead to stonewalling
The power dynamics of contempt in a relationship
What makes patterns of contempt challenging to detect and reverse
The importance of building an environment of admiration, kindness, respect, and empathy
Recognizing the mask of contempt and what it conceals
Why apathy, not hate, is the opposite of love
The relationship between contempt and substance abuse
Contempt as a means to avoid vulnerability
The contagious nature of compassion and how it can heal our relationships

Resources Mentioned:

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny
Love and Contempt: It's so easy to go from one to the other - Psychology Today

Related Content:

Let's Talk About It!

You can check out the original songs I have sung in my podcast at Pripo's Podcast Songs.

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, contact us. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

120. Friendship Breakups Dec 01, 2020

Show notes

We always talk about romantic breakups; it is the subject of songs, poems, and movies. But despite the importance of friendships in our lives, the breaking up of platonic relationships is rarely discussed - much less does it ever become the reason for someone to see a relationship therapist. Yet, the lack of closure in a separation between friends can lead one to harbor resentment, which can - according to licensed clinician Juan Santos - restrict us from letting ourselves live life to its fullest.

Juan Santos is the owner of Santos Counseling in Greensboro, North Carolina, who helps people reclaim their lives and build healthy relationships. He enjoys guiding people through journeys of self-discovery and uncovering ways of becoming their best versions and specializes in helping distant couples and struggling parents. In addition to his practice, Juan is also the author of the books Life Without Stress, Rebuilding Us: A 30 Day Guide for Healing Your Relationship After an Affair, and Couple's Workbook: Making Your Relationship Work.

In this episode, Juan and I explore the challenges of ending friendships. We discuss the reasons friends call it quits and the factors which indicate that it may be time to end a platonic relationship. We differentiate romantic and platonic relationships in terms of how people handle their finality. We describe friendship as a gift and highlight the value of allowing a friend to have multiple sources of support. We also underscore the importance of forgiveness in letting go of a friend and the value of acknowledging the truth that our journey through life as individuals may go in directions different from others'.

"It's a choice to be in someone's life; spending even five minutes with us is a beautiful gift. It's important that when we end a platonic relationship, we acknowledge how it has helped us." - Juan Santos

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

Grief and resentment in friendship breakups
The importance of closure in platonic relationships
How evolving goals and values can end platonic relationships
The difference in how men and women relate with their friends
The difficulty men encounter in forming friendships with their peers
Modeling friendship cultivation and healthy breakups for children
Spring-cleaning friendships and the tell-tale signs of a declining friendship
The importance of doing a State of the Union Address between friends
Jealousy and competitions in friendships and the factors to consider to know if it's time to let go of a friendship
What to do when people don't meet expectations in friendships
The value of having different friends to meet different interests, areas, and needs in life
Supporting a friend in the decisions they make and trusting them when they choose other sources of support
Forgiveness, letting go of resentment, and remembering the gifts of a person who left a friendship
Accepting the lifetime and finality of friendships
Why it's difficult for us to have closure in platonic relationships and the need to formalize friendship breakups
Embracing change and giving ourselves permission to grow

Connect with Juan Santos:

Santos Counseling
Santos Counseling on Instagram
Santos Counseling on Facebook
Santos Counseling on YouTube
EMAIL: juansantos@santoscounseling.com
BOOK: Life Without Stress
BOOK: Rebuilding Us: A 30 Day Guide for Healing Your Relationship After an Affair
BOOK: Couple's Workbook: Making Your Relationship Work

Let's Talk About It!

You can check out the original songs I have sung in my podcast at Pripo's Podcast Songs.

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, contact us. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

119. Codependency: Ways To Overcome Nov 24, 2020

Show notes

Once a person recognizes codependent patterns in their relationships, the next important step is to learn how to overcome them. Our friendships can be a source of good modeling and influence our journey through healing codependency in our lives. My friend, Corey Costanzo, is one such friend who encourages my positivity in the world. He is a licensed addictions counselor, bodywork therapist, and somatic experiencing practitioner who owns Still Point Wellness, the premier Esalen Massage and Salt Water Floatation spa in Asheville, North Carolina. Through the years, Corey and I have worn many hats together: as colleagues who consult with one another and as fathers who celebrate each other's parenting. Ours is a friendship that has seen joy and appreciation - truly, a fine piece in overcoming codependent tendencies.

In this episode, Corey and I discuss the hallmarks of codependent patterns and behaviors in relationships and the tools a person needs to break them. We discuss how childhood upbringing and family dynamics can inform codependent behavior later in life and illustrate how friendships can support the healing of codependent relationships. We highlight the role of education in raising awareness of codependent patterns as well as overcoming them. We also underscore the power of the breath in realizing, managing, and healing codependent behavior and explain how meditative practices can help us self-soothe difficult emotions.

"The antidote is loving oneself, self-respect, and self-awareness." - Corey Costanzo

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

The signs of codependency and how people develop them
Codependency as a learned behavior and how it shows up in families struggling with addiction and long-term illnesses
How codependency lives in the subconscious patterns of a family system
The role of awareness in overcoming codependency
The characteristics of people with codependency issues
The difficulty of codependent people going through relational conflict
Why education is an essential piece in overcoming codependent patterns
Cultivating a sense of self and its power in overcoming codependency
The fear of being independent in relationships and what we lose from becoming codependent
The importance of aligning with your personal values and building self-worth
Putting up boundaries to break codependent patterns
What ruminating is and how negative emotions can impact physical health
Meditating with difficult emotions and other methods to manage negative feelings
The power of the breath in regulating emotions and gaining awareness of codependent patterns
How utilizing the breath gives you the agency to speak your truth
Attraction to the "bad boy" type and picking people as projects to fix
Why people stay in codependent and emotionally abusive relationships
How codependency can be a spiritual issue
Bringing awareness to the potential of love and compassion to heal

Resources Mentioned:

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
Al-Anon Family Groups
Headspace

Related Content:

Connect with Corey Costanzo:

Let's Talk About It!

You can check out the original songs I have sung in my podcast at Pripo's Podcast Songs.

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, contact us. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

118. Mending Political Divides Among Each Other Nov 17, 2020

Show notes

Our country is rife with political conversations that tend to divide people. These exchanges can become more challenging when political differences occur in families and close relationships, where a divergence of ideals can strain connection. When the writer, teacher, and food activist Lee Warren recently witnessed one of her peers using aggressive language towards people of the other political spectrum, the experience spurred her to write Can We Love Our Political Enemies?, a piece where she curates an online conversation about having empathy for people who think differently.

Lee is the co-founder and managing partner of SOIL - the School of Integrated Living - an organization that teaches organic food production, regenerative systems, and community living. She is a sustainability professional whose experience spans over 25 years and whose interests include rural wisdom, sustainable economics, community, and conscious dying.

In this episode, Lee and I explore how we can connect with and love people who have political ideals different from ours. We discuss holding friends to a higher standard of empathy and illustrate how social media tends to exacerbate division among people. We describe what it's like to experience political differences within families and close relationships and explain how fear and trauma can influence our politics. We also highlight the need to bring curiosity into our ideological differences and discuss how we can use non-violent communication to hold political dialog.

"If we want community, the thing to do is to build real, human coalitions between people who have different perspectives and values." - Lee Warren

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

The experience that led Lee to write Can We Love Our Political Enemies?
Holding up our friends to a higher standard of empathy
How social media promotes division among people
How Lee realized that she was stuck in an echo chamber and had to break off of it
The difficulty of experiencing political differences within families
Using non-violent communication and curiosity to explore contradictory political values
How biology can influence our discourse
The importance, and privilege, of choosing curiosity over hatred
Our negativity bias and why human beings don't look for commonality first
Getting exaggerated, extreme stories about our "political enemies" and how the media exacerbates our fear of the Other
Building coalitions in small towns and rural America
Land-based wisdom and the value of listening to other peoples' personal stories
Building the muscle of curiosity and using self-soothing techniques in holding political conversations

Resources Mentioned:

Can We Love Our Political Enemies?

Related Content:

Connect with Lee Warren:

Let's Talk About It!

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, contact us. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

117. Let's Talk About Sex, Baby Nov 10, 2020

Show notes

Kelley Johnson, Ph.D., is a professional sexologist. She is a passionate sex educator who provides comprehensive sex education to private and charter schools, as well as small groups. In her work as a sexologist, Kelley guides couples and individuals in resolving sexual issues through non-medical modalities that work within their value system. As a young person, Kelley was profoundly fascinated by human sexuality, so much so that her high school peers sought her for information and education on sex, sexuality, and sexual health. Today, Kelley is a champion of body and sex-positivity, and her doctoral degree in Human Sexuality and master's in Public Health Education reflects her advocacy for a sexually-just society.

In this episode, Kelley and I address sexual issues couples face in their relationships. We explore challenges around sexual incompatibility and having polarized differences in sexual desires. We emphasize people's responsibilities as sexual beings and underscore the importance of educating children on sex and body positivity. We discuss how couples can create a healthy environment that encourages their intimacy as well as how they can support each other in transforming a history of sexual abuse, trauma, and taboo into a healthy sex life.

"You are responsible for your sexual self. While sexuality as a couple is something that's shared and that you work on together, there is also separateness." - Kelley Johnson

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

How Kelley became passionate about human sexuality and child development
The relationship between childhood development and a sexually healthy adult
Sex as a critical part of a couple's connection and intimacy
How couples can work around having differences in sexual interests
Breaking the cycle of body shaming and sexual negativity among children
The importance of calling genitalia by their real names
The difference between a couple's physical and sexual relationship and how they influence each other
Working with issues around pornography use and fears about masturbation
Bringing joy and playfulness into sex
Feeling pressured into having sex and the value of experiencing intimacy and connection in other areas of life
The power of appreciation as a potent aphrodisiac
Planned spontaneity and how making sex dates can increase sexual intimacy between a couple
The best conditions for having sex and respecting your partner when they say "no."
Turning a history of sexual abuse and trauma into a healthy adult sex life
The importance of knowing and communicating what we want and need
The breath as a potent tool in managing one's sexual life

Related Content:

Connect with Kelley Johnson:

Kelley Johnson Website

Let's Talk About It!

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, contact us. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

116. ADHD and How It Affects Relationships Nov 03, 2020

Show notes

Dr. Chris Mulchay is an ADHD expert and licensed psychologist in North Carolina and Hawaii. Chris is a kind, down-to-earth colleague and officemate with whom I enjoy having great conversations. His practice focuses on assessing ADHD, learning disorders, and custodial evaluations and is dedicated to making evaluations engaging, thoughtful, and efficient. In addition to his practice, Chris also serves as president for the Western North Carolina Psychological Association and is a board member of the International Council of Psychologists. A lifelong student, Chris is a staunch advocate of community change through fostering stability, creativity, and empowerment.

In this episode, Chris and I explore how ADHD can impact relationships. We contemplate on ADHD as a self-regulation and neurodevelopmental disorder. We describe how subtle brain injuries and parents in conflict can interfere with a child's brain development and influence the emergence of ADHD. We also discuss how transforming a relationship includes identifying how ADHD operates in them and explain how couples can practice appreciation to support lasting behavior change.

"The ADHD brain has a limited working memory, but if that's supported with appreciation and joy, your partner will be able to practice behavioral change that could lead to self-regulation." - Dr. Chris Mulchay

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

What ADHD is and how it's different from ADD
The difference between the inattentive and hyperactive type of ADHD
Making people comfortable with conversations around ADHD
ADHD as a neurodevelopmental issue and whether we can develop it as adults
Genetic markers and subtle brain injuries that could impact ADHD
How parents in extreme stress and conflict can affect a child's brain development
The over diagnosis and overmedication of ADHD
How ADHD medication can assist in creating behavioral change
ADHD and challenges in peer relationships that could later lead to substance abuse
Thinking about ADHD as a spectrum and self-regulation disorder
The lack of inhibition in the ADHD brain and how it can impact communication
Why it can be challenging for people with ADHD to hold conversations
Squirrel syndrome and the relationship between ADHD and the brain's working memory
How ADHD can interfere with emotional intimacy in relationships
Improving working memory through sleep hygiene
The power of mindfulness and meditation in strengthening self-regulation
What couples can do to work around having ADHD in their relationship
Bringing the power of appreciation and joy into creating lasting behavioral changes

Resources Mentioned:

Thriving with Adult ADHD: Skills to Strengthen Executive Functioning by Phil Boissiere MFT

Related Content:

Connect with Chris Mulchay:

Let's Talk About It!

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, contact us. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

115. HeartShare: People Pleasing Oct 27, 2020

Show notes

It's natural for us to want to care for the people we love and make them happy. Many of us are also naturally compassionate and find fulfillment in altruistic endeavors. But there is a fine line between being selfless and being a people-pleaser. It's essential that we discern whether our proclivities towards catering to others' needs come from an authentic desire to help or from a place of fear and insecurity.

In this episode, I discuss the vital role of compassion in realizing our tendency to be people-pleasers and in transforming ourselves and our relationships. I illustrate how insecurity, fears, and low self-worth can foster the people-pleasing pattern and underscore the dangers of being a people-pleaser. I explain why honesty is one of the greatest gifts we can give to other people and how we can weave kindness into it. I also reveal how we can overcome our people-pleasing tendencies through setting boundaries and being true to our needs.

"When we constantly strive to please, it's unlikely that we'll thrive in relationships because we start to feel invisible, even though we're the ones creating the experience." - Pripo Teplitsky

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

The relationship between codependency and people-pleasing
The role of compassion in the process of self-transformation
How a compassionate person differs from a people-pleaser
The fear of rejection and other factors that influence the people-pleasing pattern
Why people-pleasers find it difficult to set healthy boundaries
Conflict avoidance and how authenticity took me out of a people-pleasing episode
The connection between people-pleasing and manipulation
Bringing kindness into honesty and how it can benefit our relationships
The value of focusing on curiosity when interacting with people
Why I think history may have caused women and mothers to people-please more
How people-pleasers may attract controlling people
Losing autonomy and a sense of self to people-pleasing
Why people-pleasing can also be selfish
How parents can model authenticity for their children
What it takes to overcome our people-pleasing patterns

Related Content:

Let's Talk About It!

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, contact us. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

114. Codependency Oct 20, 2020

Show notes

Codependency is rather insidious: though many people are familiar with the term, they don't know how it manifests in families and impacts relationships. Awareness, Corey Costanzo stresses, is key to healing it. Corey is a licensed addictions counselor and bodywork therapist, somatic experiencing practitioner, a master didgeridoo player, and a good friend of mine. Together with his wife, Robin, Corey co-owns Still Point Wellness, a premier Esalen Massage and Salt Water Floatation spa in Asheville, North Carolina.

Today, Corey and I explore the hallmarks of a dysfunctional family and how it breeds codependency. We illustrate the dynamics of codependent relationships and their children and explain why dysfunctional families find it difficult to navigate difficult emotions and situations. We describe the characteristics of codependent behaviors and illustrate their impact on relationships. We also share our experiences in dealing with codependent relationships and emphasize the role of awareness in breaking the cycle of codependency.

"Codependency is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying relationships." - Corey Costanzo

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

Codependency as a learned behavior in families and how it can be passed to generations
The relationship between codependency and addiction
The consequences of codependent behavior
Codependent relationships between children and parents
Why parents need to deal with their own emotions
The characteristics of a dysfunctional family
What makes families afraid of discussing difficult emotions and experiences
Detachment and fear of connection in dysfunctional families
Experiencing codependence in my family and learning to talk about emotions
How Corey cultivated trust between himself and a teenager in his practice
Breaking the cycle of codependency in couples
Witnessing our partners' experiences with emotions
What enmeshment in a relationship looks like and what it takes to be differentiated
Relationships with people with diagnosed mental illness and how to navigate them
The fear of abandonment and the experience of isolation in codependent relationships
The characteristics of codependent people and how codependency manifests in a couple's sex life

Related Content:

Resources Mentioned:

Headspace App
Al-Anon Family Groups
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by Pia Mellody

Connect with Corey Costanzo:

Let's Talk About It!

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, contact us. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

113. Authentic Relating Oct 13, 2020

Show notes

Benjamin Haynes is a wonderful example of today's young generation. He is a meditator, yogi, and evangelizer of "authentic relating." I was impressed by his presence, groundedness, and the intentional manner in which he spoke when we met about a year ago. After graduating from UNC-Chapel Hill and teaching in Malaysia under a Fulbright grant, Benjamin recently joined Authentic Relating Training, an organization dedicated to the practice and production of authentic relating programs.

In today's episode, Benjamin and I explore the meaning and purpose of authentic relating. We discuss what led him to authentic relating and share tips to help you relate with others with presence and authenticity. We illustrate how meditation can impact our lives and benefit the way we communicate with each other. We also emphasize the power of leading with presence and the value of focusing on what matters.

"Authentic relating transforms yourself and your relationships through communication." - Benjamin Haynes

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

My first meeting with Benjamin
How he cultivated his groundedness and authentic relating
Benjamin's introduction to meditation, how he built it into a daily practice, and how it has benefited him
The relationship between meditation, mindfulness, and authentic relating
Taking authentic relating to another level and the three different levels of a conversation
The power of taking pauses in conversation
Gender dynamics and its relationship with communication
How the dynamics of Benjamin's relationship with his father has changed over time
The challenges of a parent-child relationship
The need to face our fears and take risks and what made me transition from the corporate world to my counseling practice
How authentic relating can lead to a more profound connection between people
How Benjamin's fascination with mindfulness led him to Authentic Relating Training
Integrating non-violent communication and mindfulness
The importance of leading with presence, coming with curiosity, and focusing on what matters

Related Content:

Resources Mentioned:

Connect with Benjamin Haynes:

Authentic Relating Training

Let's Talk About It!

If you have a relationship question you'd love to have answered, contact us. Your question may be featured on a future episode!

And if our content has helped you forge deeper connections and more meaningful relationships, be sure to help support the show by visiting our Support the Podcast page!

Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

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