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    Education

    Real Talk With Susan & Kristina

    Have you ever wished for a comprehensive guide to help navigate those challenging and uncomfortable moments in parenting? We’re Susan Stone and Kristina Supler—full-time moms and dedicated student attorneys at KJK. Our careers in student advocacy provide a unique perspective, but fundamentally, we’re two moms sharing the wisdom gathered from our experiences at home and in the courtroom.

    Our podcast delves into the essential aspects of parenting, covering a wide spectrum of topics. We dissect trends, examine case studies, and draw from expert opinions in each episode, aiming to equip you with insights on raising resilient kids in our constantly changing world.

    Please join us as we delve into some ‘Real Talk.’

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    Latest Episodes:
    Teaching Young Women Resilience and Grit Jan 18, 2023
    Show notes

    In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler are joined by Charlotte Wasserman, co-founder of "It's a Girls Life", an organization dedicated to teaching young woman grit and resilience. Topics they discuss grit. The conversation includes what grit means and what the acronym stands for, the importance of finding the right people to surround yourself with and how you can be the right person for someone else, and the biggest challenges facing young women today. Links from this Episode: It's a Girls' Life Website: https://www.itsagirlslife.org/ It's a Girl's Life Podcast (Apple Podcast) It's a Girl's Life Podcast (Spotify) Show Notes: (03:10) What does G.R.I.T. stand for? (04:49) What inspired Charlotte to start G.R.I.T.? (06:45) An inspiring example of how Charlotte used grit to go against the grain and make the best decision for her (10:46) The struggles of finding the right Team to support you (11:30) Why it's important to have the right Team (12:55) Is teaching grit different for girls than for boys? (16:14) Can grit grow to meet the really big challenges in life? (17:31) A project to help people deal with really big challenges (18:32) "It's a Girl's Life" Podcast - what will listeners get from this podcast? (21:15) How to be a good, supportive Team member for someone else? (22:05) Why sometimes it's better to be a good listener (23:57) The biggest challenge girls face today (25:00) What's in the future for the "It's a Girl's Life" program (26:43) How Charlotte plans to help more college and high-school girls with her program (27:52) Sororities: Confidence Builder or Resilience Killer (28:15) How to pick out the right sorority for you Transcript: Susan Stone: Kristina, what's so sad is we never get to meet people under. , everything's great. Kristina Supler: Ordinary circumstances. Susan Stone: Yeah. like, Hey, you know, come you, if you call us for help, that means Kristina Supler: most of our clients are in a bad place. So when we're dealing with students, it's some type of crisis Susan Stone: and we don't see the post crisis. We don't get to see the bounce back. Kristina Supler: Rarely. Yeah. I mean, sometimes we stay in touch with families and, and receive updates, but yeah, I think you're, you said it exactly right. We, we see the worst and we don't get to see the best or the recovery, Susan Stone: but the one aspect of getting through a legal process at least, or a challenging situation, I think is how resilient a student is when they come to us, because, uh, the students that have a little bit more grit. Mm. Yeah. That's gonna be the word for today of day. The word of the day. The students that show a little more grit are just more present and get through the process a lot. Well, frankly, better for them and better for us. Right. Kristina Supler: I agree. It does help us. Uh, it makes it a little easier for us to do our job in terms of guiding and supporting students going through the crisis. Susan Stone: So I wanna know, and the question always is that we talk about. What makes regardless of the circumstances, Why are some people are just more resilient than others? Susan Stone: And that's it. Kristina Supler: It's great question. And on that note, I'd like to introduce today's guest. Today we are pleased to be joined by Charlotte Wasserman, who is a freshman at Southern Methodist University, SM u Charlotte hails from Cleveland. And she's really passionate about empowering girls to become the best versions of themselves through her nonprofit. Called, it's a Girl's Life. Charlotte's been working on, it's a Girl's Life since its creation in middle school for her. Kristina Supler: She's hosted several events for teen girls, primarily focused on teaching them about grit and resilience, and her current focus is on growing and being the host of It's a Girls' Life podcast, which empowers young women to be creators of their own stories. Welcome Charlotte. Kristina Supler: Welcome Charlotte Wasserman: Charlotte. Hi, . Thanks for having me. Susan Stone: Y. And I have to say that, um, I've known Charlotte since she was been born, and if you wanna talk about grit, someone that I respect a lot and is incredibly strong, beautiful, and resilient, is Charlotte's mom, Halle. So big fan. You can tell her. I did a shout out about her today. Charlotte Wasserman: I will tell her after this. Susan Stone: So, charlotte, . Grit is a word, but it's an acronym. When we looked at your website, yes, G R I T in all caps, tell us what it stands for and what it really means. Charlotte Wasserman: Yeah, so. Grit. So grit is obviously as a one word definition about like resilience and getting back out, up and out there after you like fall down or have a challenge in kind of overcoming that. Charlotte Wasserman: But. As to girls' life, we saw grit as more than that and kind of like a framework for people and like girls specifically to live by. So the G stands for Growing Guts and that is growing courage. And confidence I guess you could say. And then the R stands for resilience. Which is, getting back out there after, times are tough and you're experiencing different things, "I" is imperfections and accepting your own imperfections and that, you're not perfect. All around people make mistakes and that's what makes us human. Charlotte Wasserman: And then T is team, and that means surrounding yourself and the importance of surrounding yourself with people who build you up and support you and can help you through those tough times as well. So between all those, that's like the most important things that I think are for someone who wants to build grits, I guess you would say, and what you need or to like accept when you're building grit in your own life. Susan Stone: That's a lot to unpack actually. That's a lot. . Kristina Supler: I love that. And I'm just trying to imagine as a, as a middle school student having the maturity and awareness and insight to think about creating this platform and, and executing it. So tell us a little more about what inspired you to do what you're doing and create grit. Charlotte Wasserman: The first thing I would say is that I can't take full responsibility for like the whole G R I T framework because that was actually established a foundation out in California that I found when I was in middle school that was teaching girls, but very like small group settings, middle school and maybe high schools as well about grit and resilience. Charlotte Wasserman: So what happened is that when I was in middle school I was like facing a lot of academic and social challenges as a lot of girls do. And I just realized that there has to be like some way to teach girls about everything that we're all experiencing that will like provide them Clarity on like what they're experiencing, but also how to fix it. Charlotte Wasserman: And when I heard about what this organization out in California was doing and teaching girls about, which was grit I just, my own research and found out was a topic that was mostly taught to adults. And I thought it was so interesting in how you can actually teach that to girls and how meaningful it would be. Charlotte Wasserman: So then I reached out to them. We just started talking about creating an event series for teen girls here in Cleveland. So it wasn't just going to specific middle schools or high schools, but anyone who wanted to come could attend, learn what grit is, hear about it in like real life examples from speakers. Charlotte Wasserman: And again, reminder, reminds them that like, you're not the only person who's dealing with something, whatever that could be. Susan Stone: I have a two-part question, if you'll bear with me a little bit. Mm-hmm. , I struggle with the idea, can you teach grit? Mm-hmm. , Susan Stone: is it something you just have to live through something tough and look back, but if, right. Susan Stone: Your whole group is based on the idea that you can. So I'm assuming your answer is yes. , but can you give me an example of a situation where someone learned some tools, what those tools were and they actually got gritty? Charlotte Wasserman: Hmm. That's so interesting question that I really like. No one's ever asked me that question before. Charlotte Wasserman: I think like the part that's teachable about grit is that the reflection part, what you said is helping people realize that like it's something. You grow over time and I think that it's like you have to almost focus on realizing that you have it based on like experiences you've dealt with in the past and how those experiences impact where you are now and how you deal with the different things happening to you right now. Charlotte Wasserman: Or it could be like identifying the problem and realizing, you know, what that taught you. , and that's like a practice of grit because you're realizing like, what is something that I one struggled with and how is that teaching me something about like what I could use today? So I think it's more like the teaching part is more of like the realizing and reflecting part and then a real example of grit and I guess how you see it teaching someone something. Charlotte Wasserman: there's I've, I guess I've talked to a lot of people about it, so I'm trying to pick like my favorite one, but let me think for a second. I would say I can use like my own kind of like personal story as an example, but when I was going to college, which was a recent decision, obviously like last year, a year ago today, I was apply, I was hearing back from a bunch of colleges. Charlotte Wasserman: I remember this time specifically I was hearing back from the college of at now. But one thing was like, . My college decisions were back to back two days in a row. One was a rejection from a school that I made an early decision to, and one was a school that I'm currently at right now. And those were a day apart from each other. Charlotte Wasserman: And I chose, well, I mean through all of the other places that I got accepted into later on, I was able to make the decision to go to the school I'm at right now. And that was a school that no one really from, like my hometown, talked about going to. And it was, I knew it was, I was going from Ohio to a school in Texas and a lot of people had a lot of specific things to say about where I was going off to that weren't always. Charlotte Wasserman: Like a lot of like questions like, oh, like why would you go all the way over there? Or I never ha, I don't have any, any family down there. So I was like, oh, this is so nerve-wracking. Like new experiences, new people, something totally outside of my comfort zone. Charlotte Wasserman: But now that I'm there, I realized that like, even though this was maybe like a tougher decision or something that was a little bit different from just going to a school in Ohio maybe where a lot of people went to, I knew it taught me that. Charlotte Wasserman: I could do something where I don't know anybody and like find people to, be friends with or that I could do something that was like outside of the known and be just fine. So that's like an example. Susan Stone: Well, you're more than just fine. You're actually thriving. Kristina Supler: But it's interesting to hear you speak about, just taking what you've just shared with us the process of settling on your, your college and you made a decision and people were questioning you and you were sort of doing something different from a lot of your peers surrounding you, and then you found new people. Kristina Supler: It makes me think of the "T" and Grit Team. Mm-hmm. so, . How do you know when to change up your team or what to look for in quote unquote teammates Susan Stone: and teams change. Right, right. Yeah. I think sometimes we realize. Uh, I know I've had a lot of different life experiences and I've, I feel like I'm a cat who's lived nine lives. Susan Stone: Mm-hmm. and sometimes I look back and I think these were lovely people in my life, but they weren't my team. I'm a little bit of an odd duck, wouldn't you say? Kristina Supler: Yeah. I mean, I think you've especially gone through experiences where there was a place and a time for a relationship that was supportive and meaningful, and then we evolve and. you reevaluate. But Charlotte, I'm, I'm curious to hear more of your thoughts on changing up your team. Charlotte Wasserman: Yeah. I think it's really important, like topics to talk about because when I was in high school and middle school, I really struggled with finding the right people to surround myself with. Susan Stone: It's hard, it's hard for everyone. Charlotte Wasserman: Yeah. At any, yeah. I guess it's like kinda a constant thing, but I just remember that was a specific time. , I realized I was hanging out with people who weren't really like supportive I guess, of the direction I was heading in. So then I had to decide that I wanted to find people who were gonna be more supportive of that. Charlotte Wasserman: And that was really scary cuz then I was like, oh, well I didn't really know who to lean on to when I was like going through transition of people. But then I realized that, you know, when you do find people who are not only like supportive of what you're working on, but supportive of like your goals and maybe you have some things in common. Charlotte Wasserman: I think that it is really important because it provides some confidence around things that maybe you find that are important to you but also provides like people who, you know, you can, reach back onto when like things are getting really challenging and you might need support that you don't feel like you can provide only by yourself. But I've realized that even if. And even so like, when I went off to college, I knew that it was gonna be a really exciting experience for me to find even more people that I connected with because when I was in high school and initially was trying to find different groups of people that support me, I always felt like really limited cuz I had a really small high school class. Charlotte Wasserman: And then when I went to college I knew like I would have so many different people that are around me, so I could really go and Look for the kind of people that I wanted to surround myself with. And then it just helped me feel like more confident in myself, but also like confident in things I wanted to work on too, which is really important that I found. Susan Stone: And your team's going to grow again? Yeah. After college. It always changes. , it always changes. Kristina Supler: Absolutely. Well, and I think it's really nice to hear you talk about taking some risk, the g and then having confidence and, and finding your team people to build you up and support. , Tell us about, I, I wonder this idea of grit and your organization is focused on young women. Kristina Supler: Is teaching grit different for boys and girls, or is it the same? Charlotte Wasserman: I. Honestly don't exactly know what it's like to teach grit to boys cause I've never had that experience before. I do have one brother. Susan Stone: But you do have two brothers. Charlotte Wasserman: Well, I do. I was just gonna think about that . However, I don't really talk to them about these top. Charlotte Wasserman: Well, I mean I guess like if I ever had an event or was working on something that's a girl…

    Full show notes at the publisher

    Parenting Tips for the Modern Age Dec 21, 2022
    Show notes

    In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler are joined by Meghan Leahy, a parenting coach and a published author of parenting books. They discuss parenting. The conversation includes how parenting has changed over the last 100 years, different approaches parents can use with their child to problem solve, and the importance of building bonds with your community can help with parenting. Links from the Episode: Meghan Leahy Website Parenting Outside the Lines (Book Link) Show Notes: (2:25) - What is Parenting Coaching? (4:18) - The Parenting Problem Exposed by the Industrial Revolution (5:45) - The Problem with Modern Parenting (7:41) - The Conundrum with Setting Boundaries for Kids (9:43) - Parent Coaching: Finding the Middle Way to Explain Consequences (13:16) - The Collaborative Approaching to Problem Solving with Children (14:30) - What if the child refuses to go to school? The middle way approach. (16:16) - The Ultimate Goal of Parenting (17:07) - The Consequence of Harsh Parenting (18:20) - The Goal of Meghan's Book for Parents (21:24) - How To View Parenting Over the Long Term (24:05) - Is it ever too late to change how you communicate with your child? (27:03) - Do apologies mean a loss of parental power? (28:15) - Can adults form relationships with children who aren't their own? (30:33) - Creating Micro-Connections with Other Parents In Your Neighborhood (32:06) - How Transmitting Values Builds Stronger Communities (33:34) - The Power of "Do No Harm" Transcript: Susan Stone: Today's podcast is going to discuss the value of using a parenting coach. And Kristina, wouldn't you agree that we deal with parenting issues every day? Kristina Supler: Oh, uh, In so many different ways, whether we're working on a campus, title IX case, special education, student discipline, there's issues in our practice that really lend themselves to parent coaching Susan Stone: well, and our clients often look to us to help guide them as to what decision domain. Susan Stone: So much so. That in 2021, both of us became certified in positive discipline, which we've had a podcast on "What is PO positive discipline" and how you can incorporate those thoughts into everyday parenting. Kristina Supler: We also though, at times, Sort of really believe in the importance of, of using a tough love approach. Kristina Supler: And it really just sort of depends on the context in which we're representing a student and working with families. But we really think it's important to work with all sorts of different outside professionals to support students and their families through crisis. Yeah. Susan Stone: And we've made a lot of referrals to outside therapists and coaches, and today we're lucky to have a great coach online. Susan Stone: So why don't you kick off and introduce our guest today. Kristina Supler: Today we are pleased to be joined by Meghan Leahy. Hi. Hi, Megan. Meghan Leahy: Hello. How are you? Kristina Supler: Great. Megan is a former teacher and school counselor who now owns her own business as a certified parenting coach. She has a master's degree in school counseling from Johns Hopkins University. Kristina Supler: She's a weekly columnist in the on parenting section of the Washington Post, and she's also a published author. Her book is titled, "Parenting outside the lines. Forget the rules, tap into your wisdom and connect with your child". And most importantly, Megan's a mother to three and she brings her real world experience and relatable insights to her work. Kristina Supler: So thanks for joining us, Megan. Kristina Supler: This is my pleasure. Thank you for having me. Susan Stone: So we're gonna kick off with a very basic softball question. What is a parenting coach? Meghan Leahy: Yeah. It's kind of a BSE job, it feels like. I essentially help the same problems I feel like I create. So, , what do you mean? A hundred years ago? Meghan Leahy: Not even that long ago. You didn't need a parent coach. You had a community, a church, a synagogue, a village, a village, and everybody was like-minded. , rightly or wrongly. If everybody was whooping their kids, at least you had that in common. You lived here I Susan Stone: was whooped. My parents will deny it. Just so you know. I got the belt. Meghan Leahy: Yeah. Yeah. I got all kinds of things. And so we, we had our family around. and it was a true generational passing down of your ancestry, your lineage, how you parented, good or bad, right? So I'm not gonna paint a picture that it was great. A lot of bad stuff was passed down. Meghan Leahy: And then as we industrial revolution moved away from each other and away from community, we have become increasingly so we had an up down opposite thing. We became obsessed with our kids cuz we had fewer of them, right? And we used to have a lot of kids to work the farm cuz you'd lose some in a bad winter. Meghan Leahy: Do you know what I mean? Like, and women couldn't stop having them. So thank God for the pill. And then as women could have less kids, and we got more obsessed with them. So the obsession went higher and the support went lower. , as religion fell away and as psychology came up, we started to realize that we were sending our kids to therapy when the identified patient should have been the parent. Meghan Leahy: So the kids weren't the problem. , the parents were. And when I say problem, I put that in air quotes. They just need support. They just need somebody to tell them they're doing a good job and here's what else we can do, and here's what is typical child development for this age. They just need support. So that's what I do, that's what I try and do, support them. Kristina Supler: Megan, have parents gotten too soft today? I mean, it's interesting that your initial response sort of looked back in history. in today's time. I mean, I, I just wonder about this issue of soft parenting, cuz I know when I was growing up and being raised, my parents were very strict with rules, boundaries, consequences. Kristina Supler: Yeah. Good or bad. I mean, Susan, it sounds like you had some of that Susan Stone: as well. Well, I did, but I know that we, I, I know Kristina's parents and I would say they were very effective old school parenting with you, correct. Absolutely shout out to Jim and Dolores . Can we give you a Kristina Supler: shout out to my wonderful parents? Kristina Supler: It just seems today as we're dealing with families in crisis and in various contexts, cuz of course we're lawyers. So generally when, when people are with us, it's because they're at a low point in their life. Often it's feels as though parents are reluctant to impose rules. What are your thoughts on that? Meghan Leahy: Yeah. So what what you see in society is bing bonging from one extreme to another. So if we were in a scene not heard kids were at the very bottom of the totem pole we came out of an agricultural kind of, I mean, remember, humans have been around a long time. We think we're important. We are not. We are a speck of sand in this universe, and even in the longevity of humans. Meghan Leahy: Here we go. Now you're asking me have parents gone soft. So they were too harsh. Mm-hmm. , right? Not in every culture, but let's just take culture. Right. And harsh for no reason. Mm-hmm. , right, right. And controlling for no reason. But kids were also given a little bit more freedom to go outside, to go into woods to. Meghan Leahy: now we fast forward and we didn't like how we were raised. A lot of us, so we swing too much into the other extreme. Sure. So back in the day, if you went to go, you know, if you were little and you kicked your parents in the shins, right? You got spanked. You got sent to your room, you got yelled at, you got harshly reprimanded. Kristina Supler: If you said, no, I won't do that, you were in Meghan Leahy: trouble. Right? Harshly reprimanded, right? Oh, I Susan Stone: got soap in the mouth when I used the F word as a little girl. I still remember that. Me, me too. I, I was a mouthy kid. And the soap in the Meghan Leahy: mouth, you want a trauma bond over it. We can . Susan Stone: The funny thing is I don't look back on it as being traumatic. Susan Stone: I think it was. what you did when you had a mouthy kid. And I was Back then. Back then? Meghan Leahy: Yeah. Back then. So what we have now is though, is that people don't wanna be raised how they were raised. And so then they go into when the kid kicks them in the shins, they're like, please don't kick mommy. Meghan Leahy: That makes me feel sad, right? There is. , a lack of boundaries, and the kid doesn't respond well to that either. So if you look at it as a fence around a house, if the fence is too tight around the house, that leads to disobedience. Power struggles. Rebellion. Rebellion or shame, right? If the fence goes too wide away from the house, the kids don't know where the boundaries are. The natural hierarchy is not in order, and the kids don't feel safe. So as humans, we feel safe when we know where the rules are. Now, what I see a lot is people saying, well, I was raised like this, and I'm fine. Great. Somehow, right? Like somebody's temperament with how their parents were with their birth order Meghan Leahy: that alchemy. Oh, Susan Stone: first children, right? Those first born, no, Meghan Leahy: first children are hot mess. . They're cage, they're ill. They are perfectionistic. Yeah. They are highly medicated and very successful. Yes, I would agree. Yes. And oh, they look great, but go live with them. Okay. I'm a firstborn. Married to a firstborn. Meghan Leahy: We're a fricking nightmare. Kristina Supler: I love your analogy about the fence around the house, though. I think that's, I love it. That's, that's really Meghan Leahy: good. And why this is good is that different kids need different fences even within the same house. Sure. Yes, yes. Susan Stone: Yeah. You know what, we were just, uh, I was just talking. I have a junior. Susan Stone: It's time to really kick it in for college, and that's a really real consequence. I'm not imposing it saying kick it in. You need to really finish your junior year with great grades and great scores, or Kristina Supler: you might not go to the schools you wanna go to. That's, Susan Stone: that's not me imposing the rule. That's the world. Meghan Leahy: So in what I do in my parent coaching is I find the middle way, give us the middle Susan Stone: way under that fact pattern. Okay. Let's talk about grades and scores. Meghan Leahy: Okay, so let's say you have a kid, junior year, has spent the last two and a half years in some kind of BS covid situation. Sure, yep. With you. , they have lost social skills. Meghan Leahy: Mm-hmm. skills within the classroom, confidence building skills, as well as important learning skills. English and math are the lowest they have ever been since they have started testing in the sixties. A Kristina Supler: bunch of news articles have come out recently highlighting that, and it's, it's Susan Stone: in the new, it was in the New York, York Times, and I heard SAT scores and ACT scores are down by five points, which is a lot. Meghan Leahy: So now, now we come in hot as parents. Mm. . Okay. So we are bringing our old expectations to a new way of life, So the old way is I'm gonna sit you down. You're gonna do this work, you're gonna apply these schools, you're gonna write these essays, you're gonna get this resume. Do, do, do, do. One way. The opposite is, well snooze, you lose, you don't do it. Meghan Leahy: You're f okay, the middle way is "Hey, Brian. Things have been a little wacky. We are like out of the habit of maybe some organizational skills. What's important to you this year? When you look ahead?" They may look at you and be like, blink. Blink. What do you mean? Well, let's look ahead, right? Let's look ahead and so you start at the beginning. Meghan Leahy: That is the middle way of where are we now? Where can we go given what your kid is experiencing. So natural consequences for kids who are suffering only cause more suffering. So if you are have a broken leg and you're at the bottom of the stairs and I scream at you, get up the stairs, what is, well, the consequences are you don't get up the stairs. Meghan Leahy: who would ever do that to another human? Susan Stone: No, but it is a real consequence. So I, I wanna challenge you on this. . Sure. Okay. Are you up for the challenge? Kristina and I All day work? Yeah, all day. Kristina and I work with kids who are accused of various misconducts at college or younger in college. In college. Susan Stone: It could be sexual assault. It could be cheating, and some of our cases, they're at real risk of getting indicted, let's say, a hazing case. Meghan Leahy: Okay. And, and Kristina Supler: we have cases in the criminal justice system, so yeah. Susan Stone: It is cruel to say, get your act together, or you could get kicked outta school or get charged. But guess what? Susan Stone: Those are the facts, Jack, right? Yep. Yeah. So. . I, I, I can't, as a lawyer and Kristina as a lawyer, I can't soften that. That is the real world face in you, babe. Yeah. So what do you do when you have opportunities like get your grades up, get your scores up, live right? I I, yes. You won't get up to the top of that stair. Susan Stone: So give us a mid-level approach that's kinder, but real, real world base. How Kristina Supler: do you coach under those circumstances? . Yeah. Meghan Leahy: So, I really love the Ross Greene approach, g r e e n E. This is a collaborative problem solving approach, which takes both needs of both parties into equal weight. Okay? So, for instance, the parents are saying okay, this kid has Cs, but you wanna go to UNC. Meghan Leahy: And the kid is saying, well, I don't really care. Right? You meet in the middle with Ross Green's approach, where you start to work on small problem solving, small amounts of problem solving. Because for the average adolescent, now listen, when they're 18 and they've been, they've hazed someone like. Meghan Leahy: What's gonna happen is gonna happen, right? My work is when people call me for the ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen year old. If we can work with them there you are less likely to have a kid who is going to sexually assault while drunk, haze somebody while drunk, right? Like make these decisions with lifelong impacts. Meghan Leahy: So my interest is problem solving in the middle way. It is easier. in the moment to say sink or swim. It's, it's easier. It's easier for the parent. It's easier to go like this. But for instance, I have a kid who, I had a parent family who the kid stopped attending school. It's a lot of school refusal. Meghan Leahy: We've dealt Susan Stone: with that. Yeah. Yeah. And actually running away from home. We've dealt with that too. Yeah. Meghan Leahy: And so they, they were we're gonna send them away to this wilderness Susan Stone: camp. Oh my gosh. We deal with school with that. Meghan Leahy: Yeah. Yep. So I said, okay, so your kid's gonna wake up, be grabbed by strangers and taken to Utah. Meghan Leahy: Do you wanna destroy your relationship with them forever? My questions are, are they addicted to drugs? Are they a danger to themselves? Are they a danger to anyone in the house? No. No, no. Oh, okay. So you want to rip them away from the family when they're already struggling. Oh, well, I guess…

    Full show notes at the publisher

    Advice On How To Help Boys Deal With Emotions Dec 07, 2022
    Show notes

    In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler are joined by Professor Niobe Way, a professor of developmental psychology and the founder of the Project for the Advancement of Our Common Humanity at New York University. They discuss recognizing the need for closeness and intimacy in boys. The conversation includes why boys have been keeping their desire to have close relationships with fellow boys hidden, the true meaning of deep friendships and how society has gradually been distorting it, and what toxic masculinity is and how it can be prevented. Links: Professor Niobe Way's Webpage: Website: https://steinhardt.nyu.edu/people/niobe-way Show Notes: (03:10) How Dr. Niobe Way discovered the deep secret that every boy in the world keeps (04:20) How culture is urging boys to keep their need for intimate relationships among other boys a secret (05:17) What each boy who had not grown out of touch with their feelings, unlike the majority, have in common (07:56) Can boys in college form lifelong friendships with other males? (09:04) How can you tell if you and your fellow guy friend actually have a deep friendship? (10:20) What society and their stereotypes is still getting wrong about boys (11:49) What is toxic masculinity? (12:24) Redefining society's concept of what makes boys, boys; aka "boy culture" (14:08) Gender identity and fluidity: are pronouns really the problem? (16:44) How the definition of friendship has been distorted by today's day and age (19:05) Can close friendships outside of your marriage prevent divorce? (19:47) The 2 things every marriage needs in order to last (20:50) The best piece of advice for every boy mom and dad (21:01) How to get boys to talk openly about their needs instead of engaging in toxic masculinity (22:26) Why you should ask questions and let your boys make their own deductions instead of imposing your beliefs of how males should act or feel Transcript: Susan Stone: Today's topic is understanding boys and their need for close connection and intimacy. You know, Kristina, when we started out. Our practice, we were mostly representing young men who were involved in disciplinary situations. And it wasn't until recently that I would say our statistics have evened out to a more balanced representation, but we're also the mother of boys. And I think we can both say that having both boys and girls as children and clients, boys are just as sensitive as girls. Wouldn't you think that? Kristina Supler: Oh, absolutely. I know my, my son is, is. In some ways, if we have the gender stereotypes, there's almost role reversal there. My son versus my daughter. But you know, it's interesting at today's topic regarding boys and intimacy, because I think that through the pandemic, if there's one thing we've really honed in on, it's the fact that all humans really crave connection. Susan Stone: It's a really good point. And with that, why don't you introduce today's guest who's gonna really speak about the topic of boys craving close connection. Kristina Supler: Today we're pleased to be joined by Professor Niobe Way, who is a professor of developmental psychology and the founder of the Project for the Advancement of Our Common Humanity at New York University. She's also the past president of the Society for Research on Adolescence and Co-Director of the Center for Research on Culture Development and Education at nyu. Professor Way's work focuses on the intersections of culture, context, and human development with a particular focus on social and emotional development, and how cultural ideologies influence developmental trajectories. Dr. Niobe Way: That was a mouthful. That is a mouthful. , Kristina Supler: thank you so much for joining us Professor Way. We're pleased to have you. Susan Stone: So let's kick it off with your book that we read and Deep Secrets. Deep Secrets by Doctor or Professor Niobe Way. The premise of your books is that boys crave close connection and that our culture stymies that development of deep friendships in the teenage years. Does that accurately summarize your book, Professor? Dr. Niobe Way: Yeah, absolutely. And first I wanna say thank you for having me on. I love, this is my favorite topic I've been wanting to engage this conversation, uh, at this point for decades, so I'm, I'm glad that's getting more attention right now, which I think we should talk about at some point. Why is it getting more attention right now? But but yeah, that does summarize my book. And the thing that's interesting to me is that I have been making these observations and then interviewing boys since the late eighties where they're telling me the same story. By now, it's sort of thousands of boys. I follow them over time. Since I'm a developmental psychologist, I follow the same boys over time. And you get the same story. I got the same story in the early 1980s as I'm, I am getting now. I, I follow boys in different countries, not just the United States. And I get the same story, which is that essentially. They start off in early adolescence when I usually start the interviews, interviewing them about also of parts of their lives, not just their friendships. I interview them about their family relationships and school, et cetera, et cetera, identities. And then we get to a, uh, the section on friendships and investigating friendships, and pretty much the story is same around the world. Which is boys talk about at 11, 12, 13, 14, sometimes into 15 as well. Um, their desire for close friendships, their desire for what boys call it, deep secret friendships, which is they're able to tell, share their secrets with other boys, and specifically with other boys. They, they, some of the boys, we can talk about this. Some of the boys have friendships with girls, of course. That's normal too. But what's interesting to me is that boys will also say even if they have friendships that are girls, they'll talk about wanting friendships, intimate friendships with boys in which they can share their deep secrets. And as they get older, as you mentioned , uh, you know, and we'll talk about, it's specifically an American culture, but American culture gets globalized unfortunately in this, in this respect. That they, it's perceived now the intimacy is perceived as so-called girly and gay. And even in a culture, and this is interesting to me, even in a culture that's becoming more open to different sexualities, it still pathologizes being sort of gay in a homophobic way and thus discouraged for boys, especially boys who identify as straight. And so they struggle to hold onto their friendships as they get older. And many boys, by the time they're young men, are struggling with issues of isolation and loneliness and frustration to not be able to find the friendships they have. And one thing I do wanna throw out there, just so it can be part of our conversation, Some boys who are an exception to that. And I wanna talk about why I think they, you do get exceptions to that. It sounds like your son makes, Kristina Supler: What are the exceptions? Yeah, Yeah. Well, that's great. Tell us about that. Dr. Niobe Way: So, what's interesting to me is, so, so the, the general pattern is that sense of, as the pressures to man up happen over time, through adolescence, boys start to disconnect from their feelings and are sound more, uh, frustrated and angry and sad. Or just disconnected rather than that sort of lovely voice of wanting deep friendships. The exceptions of the boys that are able to hold onto their friendships. And even through the five, six years of our studies, they, they are able to hold onto these, this close friendship and they sound sort of consistently quite satisfied and happy in their friendships. And the, the key difference in, and I had a student who did a dissertation on this. Was that they had relationships with at least one member of their family that was very, very close. So, and typically it was their mother and sometimes it was their sister. But it was somebody in the family in which they could really be themselves with. And that actually, this is what I wanna say to all mothers and all fathers and all family members, that actually nurtures our human capacity to deeply connect to others because you're learning the skill of it. It's getting encouraged in you. You know the skills. So when there's a problem in the friendship, you know how to deal with it. So it really was having at least one member, and typically it was the mom who actually nurtured that kind of deep connection that allowed the boy to take those skills and use it with their friends. Susan Stone: Professor way, I wanna challenge you a little bit on this. Yes. Because, Contrary to what I think a lot of people will argue, the dangers of fraternities, the pros, the good things about fraternities, and Kristina and I were just on Fraternity Foodie, the podcast. Yep. I will say when we work with boys and fraternities, that they feel very intensely connected to their fraternity brothers. What do you think, Kristina? Kristina Supler: Well, it's interesting because oftentimes I feel like in those cases, Inevitably things get upside down in, in some respect and relationships. I, I think we regularly see our male students realize that those bonds they thought they had actually weren't as deep and when, when the going got tough, Yeah. All of a sudden, you know, the student, our clients, felt on an island and it's sort of shocking. Like I thought these were my brothers, the deepness. I mean, that's sort of what I see often. Susan Stone: But on the other hand, I wanna challenge you. We've had, especially in um, certain cases where the boys really did cry over losses together. Sure. Share their feelings. Yeah. Um, and you do see boys during their college years form friendships that last a lifetime. Dr. Niobe Way: Yeah, I mean, I, I absolutely, I mean that, that's why I said it was important to talk about sort of boys who were able to, I, I'll, I'm gonna answer both of your, your comments boys who are able to hang on to their closest and their vulnerability, and it really is in some sense the, the issue you raise about, Thinking they're close, but they're not as close as they expected was, is a common thing. So oftentimes I, I do a lot of interviews. I do a lot of radio interviews. And I will get men calling me and saying you know, I have, I have lots of friendships. I don't know what you're talking about. And I'll say, Okay. So that's what, first of all, that's wonderful cuz it's nice to have lots of friendships. And then what we'll get into conversations is there's somebody you could go to if there's something that happens between you and your wife? Or something that happens that's quite vulnerable for you. And he, and then it'll very quickly turn into, well, no, no, no, I wouldn't talk about that. No, I wouldn't talk about that. And then it turns into often, not all the time, but oftentimes I know conversation. Well, it would be nice to have someone to talk about that stuff with. So the, the friendships that boys are really asking for in early adolescent, is not the sort of bromance, uh, the stereotypical brother, which a lot of boys want also. But oftentimes the boy or the friendships is they're really talking about those they can be very, very vulnerable with, reveal their weaknesses, talk about their insecurities with. And I find that fraternity brothers, which I've certainly interviewed lots of them often times say there's a, there's a sort of a facade of closeness that they have to have as fraternity brothers. But once you scratch the surface, many of them don't feel like they can re really reveal their insecurities and their sense of that they're not quite good enough. All those feelings that most people have especially in college context. So, I think that the desire to have those sort of deep secret friendships where you can truly be vulnerable with that person and not just cry actually, but actually reveal your insecurities with and try to work them through I just think is, uh, is what they're looking for. Now I have to say, cuz we're all moms of sons it doesn't necessarily mean that they find these friends, even if they want them, . So I'm saying even in early adolescence that the theme is that boys talk about wanting them. And then you get a lot of boys, including my son who didn't necessarily find those friendships in early adolescents and middle adolescents. And only, I would say really found them in, in, uh, in eventually in college. Uh, but the idea is that that desire is, is very, very clear. And we don't think it's a desire that boys have. And I have to throw out this cuz it's really important. Even now, even now, 2022, July, 2022, we still have the stereotype that wanting intimacy in your friendship with same sex intimacy where you're not gay is a girly gay thing. So you have it in a recent article in The Guardian. You have a illusion to boys being mil, boys and men being evolutionary different. You know, where their evolution doesn't allow them for that intimacy. I mean, we still have these incredibly misguided false stereotypes about boys and men not wanting that intimacy. Kristina Supler: So let me ask you and, and then this issue of stereotypes. When Susan and I do a lot of work across the country with college students in the Title IX landscape. And we often represent respondents who are more often than not male. Yes. And so we come across the phrase regularly, toxic masculinity. Yeah. Do you, do you agree that toxic masculinity I is a thing? Um, is this label justified or not? And can male students really form friendships while still deep friendships, while still trying to be quote unquote masculine? Susan Stone: Or circling back to that first point that you wanted us to get to? Yeah. Are we in a crisis? Dr. Niobe Way: Yeah, exactly. Okay, so I have a couple things that you could imagine. I've, I've spent my life thinking about this, so I, I could go on a couple hours about this, but I'll keep it short. There's, of course there's toxic masculinity. We see it in the media. We see it in our movies, we see it in our social media, which is, which is a kind of hostile aggresive violent form of masculinity that is part of our culture, is part of our war based culture, et cetera. Gun based, we have, we're the country with the most guns. So we obviously have toxic masculinity. But I, I am arguing a slightly different argument that, that Oftentimes gets covered over because we get absorbed with toxic masculinity. I'm actually talking about taking a very, very human quality and capacity and need, which is the need for deep connection and giving it a gender and a sexuality. And that that the way we do that is not toxic masculinity. That's called what I'm calling in my new book. It's about, it comes out in in the spring is boy culture. And boy culture. Boy culture with quotation is not a real boy. It's a construction of a boy where basically all things hard are put on top and valued and all things soft are put on the bottom and seen as less important and as kind of lame in many cases. And in fact, when as humans, as you both alluded to, as humans, we are both hard and soft. we're a yin and a yang. We're we're, I mean, the hard and the soft work together with us. We're both stoic and vulnerable. We want independence and relationships. But if you live in a culture that basically privileges o…

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    How is Puberty Changing In Our Kids Nov 23, 2022
    Show notes

    In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler are joined by Dr. Cara Natterson, a pediatrician, consultant, and New York Times bestselling author of puberty and parenting books. They discuss puberty. The conversation includes what changes in puberty professionals have seen over the years, the contributing factors that affect puberty in adolescents and the best methods for helping kids and their parents go through puberty successfully. Links: https://myoomla.com Show Notes: Show Notes: (03:07) What goal is the Puberty Podcast trying to achieve? (05:15) How hormones affect children's behavior as they go through adolescence (06:41) Are kids mentally prepared for puberty once it hits? (08:28) Why are kids nowadays experiencing puberty earlier than previous generations? (09:07) What are the possible factors that are speeding up the occurrence of puberty in adolescents? (10:36) Has the breast size of the young females of this generation increased compared to that of the former? (12:10) Is the spike of obesity in recent years the main reason behind bigger boobs in adolescent girls? (13:41) How a life-changing product and survival guide on how to get through puberty especially for kids was born (14:33) Should young ladies be wearing sports bras when they hit puberty? (15:05) What is the best type of bra for girls to start with? (16:05) Can underwear offer both comfort and health benefits? (16:30) How Dr. Cara is giving a voice to children going through puberty (18:25) Should the age at which kids go through puberty determine when we should treat them as adults? (19:00) Why are female early bloomers at a higher risk for sexual predation? (21:01) Is it scientifically proven that the pandemic has negatively affected the mental health of students? (22:33) What's the one piece of advice you would give to parents about their children and their mental health? (24:12) How has the adaptation of the body positivity movement impacted children's mental health when it comes to their weight? (24:31) Has the context of eating disorders and body image in boys and girls evolved throughout the years? (26:47) Should parents initiate, "the birds and the bees" talk with their kids even if they don't ask about sex? (28:51) How can parents help their children deal with weight and acne problems without hurting their feelings? (31:22) How have periods transformed over the years? (34:31) Has the rate of ADHD in boys surged recently? (36:58) What does sleep do to our bodies? (38:05) Are sleeping patterns of teenagers different from other age groups? (39:19) What can you do for your child when they can't sleep and begin to overthink? (39:47) Are sleeping aids such as melatonin supplements or gummies safe for teens who have trouble falling asleep? (41:13) How do you know when you should seek professional help for insomnia? (42:25) What's one piece of advice you would give to kids who have low self-esteem? Transcript: Susan Stone: So today we're gonna talk about something that somehow has become a lost topic, and that is puberty. Kristina Supler: Just saying that word is making me have these like awkward flashbacks, Susan Stone: but it shouldn't. You know, I have to say I think of puberty very differently now that my oldest is 25 and I've seen them go through everything. And as a Jewish mama, I think of puberty kids at their bar and Bos mitzvah talking about, No, I am a man. A man. And you see this little guy going, Today, I am a man. And I'm like, No, you're a little pisser. Um, and for those out there, you get it. If you've been to a bar mitzvah and then something magical happens, Puberty. And then the voice drops and the boobs grow. And indeed they do look like little men and women. So we're gonna talk about puberty today. Kristina Supler: Well, and this is an issue that's particularly, uh, topical. I pertinent for the Supler household. My daughter would be mortified, but she is, um, in sixth grade. And so lots of conversations are starting to happen in our house. And indeed, A book that we're gonna talk about today has been purchased, so it's fortuitous to have our guests today. Today we are joined by Dr. Cara Natterson. Cara is a pediatrician, consultant, speaker, and New York Times best selling author of multiple books, including The Care and Keeping of You, the American Girl Library Series. And she has sold more than 6 million copies of that book. And indeed, I have purchased that book. Um, additionally, she's recently published Decoding Boys. And in 2020, Carra launched OOMLA, which is basically a a puberty positive company that we're gonna talk more about. Thank you for joining us, Kara. Dr. Cara Natterson: Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here, and yours is not the only horrified child. My two children were just just deeply dismayed by what I did when they were going through puberty. Susan Stone: That's amazing and we, we welcome you. I wanna start by talking about your podcast, The Puberty Podcast. So Kristina and I are sort of new to the podcasting world and apparently it is a world so newish ish. We're newish. It's been like a year, and we we're very proud of our Real Talk with Susan and Kristina podcast that you're on. Because we think that podcasting is just a wonderful way to reach audiences. So on your podcast, you talk about all things adolescence from body image and behavioral changes to sex and consent. Tell us, Cara, what is the real goal and what are you trying to accomplish with your podcast? Dr. Cara Natterson: So we, we call it the Puberty podcast. But people think about puberty as being specific to the body changes that are happening, and that's the very narrow definition of puberty. It's the path through sexual maturity. The reason we call it the Puberty Podcast and talk about all these other adjacent topics as well, is that the same hormones that make your boobs grow and that make your shoulders broad and that make you hairy, and that make you smell all of those same hormones also impact your moods and your feelings, and therefore your friendships and therefore your family dynamics. And so there are all these downstream. Issues that used to be called adolescence, and those two buckets were really separate. Like there was puberty, which was your body, and there was adolescence, which was everything else. But what has become really clear is that those two things are actually quite synonymous. The Venn diagram overlap of those two topics is massive. And so we like to talk about all of it. Because it is the one stage of life that regardless of your gender, regardless of your background, regardless of where on the globe you are growing up, you will go through puberty. This is a universal rite of passage, and it's a much longer rite of passage than it used. Susan Stone: You know, I don't know if you will agree with this statement, but when Kristina and I first became law Partners, her children were just, I think the preschool age and a little older. Kristina Supler: Yeah, that's about right. Susan Stone: And I remember saying to her, At that time, you are in your golden years. Mm-hmm. ? Mm-hmm. . I think post potty training and before puberty is just the sweetest time when a parent is with a child. Why do kids become little monsters once they hit puberty? It's, And do you agree with me? Dr. Cara Natterson: It's such a good question. I do agree with you that in that time between when they learn to walk and talk and when their, their sex hormones, estrogen and, and testosterone in particular, start to surge, the, the most common question out of their mouth is, you know, do you wanna know how much I love you? I mean, it's wrote, I can't beat it. Right. You really can't beat it. So, but what happens is, and it's by the way, it used to happen at 10 or 11, and now it's happening at eight on average for girls, and between nine and 10 on average for boys. Is that the, the sex hormones are starting to get ramped up in the body. The ovaries produce estrogen in the female body. The testicles produce testosterone in the male body, and those hormones don't just circulate below the neck. Those hormones circulate up in the brain and they impact the way kids feel. And we all know this. Every single person has felt this. We felt the highs and the lows of hormone surges. This is new to kids. They don't know how to manage it. Their brains are getting used to it, and that's what you are seeing and feeling when kids hit their tween and teen years. Susan Stone: I have a question. Dr. Cara Natterson: Sure. Susan Stone: Now that it's puberty is happening so young a. Are they mentally ready for this ? Dr. Cara Natterson: None of us are mentally ready for this. They are not. And this is a humongous piece of this puzzle. It really, um, it shouldn't matter when they enter puberty in so far as. It should just be a natural process in life. And it happens when it happens. And by the way, the range is very broad. So there are of course kids who start earlier and kids who start later, but it shouldn't matter. The problem is we live in a world in a context where it really does matter. So think about it this way. Um, the average age for cell phone ownership in this country is 10. It's 10. Okay? Now I've just told you more than half of all kids have either estrogen or testosterone coursing through their bodies by the time they're 10. So now you're gonna combine a brain that's pretty immature with these hormones that are pretty potent and devices, and no, the answer to your question is they're not ready. The brain is not going to be able to make consistently smart consequential decisions until it's close to 30. That's two more decades, so the puberty is happening earlier. It is not happening faster, and brain development is not happening faster. It just means we have to parent them a little bit differently. Kristina Supler: So you've touched on something that Susan and I in preparation for today, Cara, what we were sort of wrestling with and talking through is that notion or question of, it seems like our children today are going through puberty earlier, at least than it in my tween years. And, and Susan indicated the same and, and you've acknowledged that. Why though? Why is that happening? Dr. Cara Natterson: That's the question. The most common question I get, most common question I get. The really unfortunate answer is I don't know. I, I do know, and I work with a number of specialists. One of my favorite people, um, who is truly an expert on this subject is a woman named Louise Greenspan. She wrote a phenomenal book called The New Puberty. It came out in 2014, but it's just as relevant today as when it came out, and it answered that question. She is a researcher based in Northern California. She runs a lot of the studies that make headlines in the papers about when kids are going through puberty and why, and here's what she says. She says, it's everything we put into and onto our bodies. It's the food we eat. It's the liquids we drink. It's the cosmetics we're putting onto our bodies. It is the air we breathe and we just don't know the lowest common denominator. We don't know what we can take out of those things in order to fix the situation. Louise on. We did a podcast with her. Um, Recently, relatively recently, where she talked a little bit about antibiotics, and this is one, people talk about endocrine disrupting hormones all the time, but they don't talk about antibiotics. And Louise connected the dots and helped to explain why antibiotics that are given to poultry and to cows milk. Milk are directly impacting the way that these hormones work. And I can't do it justice here, but she has a really elegant description of it. Susan Stone: So, I'm gonna ask you a question that's not so elegant. Hmm, Dr. Cara Natterson: Go for it. Susan Stone: Can I ask you? Yeah. Okay. My readers are gonna be horrified and Kristina, feel free to kick me, but is it my imagination, but are boobs bigger? It's a really fair question, , Kristina Supler: and I wonder if there's a, a, a correlation to maybe childhood obesity as well. I, I don't know, Susan Stone: Cara, So give us the answer. Dr. Cara Natterson: Great question. Susan Stone: I mean, of course it didn't help me out. I know. I'm sharing. I'm oversharing, guys. . Dr. Cara Natterson: I could overshare here too. But you know, my daughter is so tired of me oversharing that I'm gonna, I'm gonna just answer the questions I could, but I won't. Exactly. Um, I have learned my lesson over time. Um, so the, the answer is anecdotally, I agree with you. Um, there is no data that shows it, but I definitely see what you see. Um, and there are probably a couple of contributing factors, and one is exactly what Kristina just pointed to, which is that, um, the average body weight in this country has gone up and up and up. Um, so about 20% of all tweens and teens are overweight or obese. Uh, we are looking at 33, 34% of all adults in this country who are obese. If you add overweight adults, we get to 74, 75% of the entire population. Breasts are made of water and fat tissue, and then duct systems. And so yes, when we accumulate extra body fat, that is one of the parts of the body where the body fat accumulates. But I actually think there's probably something else going on as well. And just go with me here. I'm gonna give you like 10 seconds of science. Sure. Susan Stone: I thought it was a dumb question and I thought I was imagining it. Literally, my daughter goes to an all-girl school and look, my oldest is 25, so I'm talking about a change from a a couple years and I was looking and I went, What is going on here? Dr. Cara Natterson: No, and, and here's one really interesting way of thinking about it. I don't know that this is scientifically what's going on, but the more fat cells we have in the body, the more ability the body has to convert hormones from one form into another. Because fat cells do what's called peripheral conversion. They actually change hormones from one form to another. So as body weights have gone up, hor, different levels of hormones have gone up in the body as a function of the fat cells being present. And I do think that's probably a contributor, although I don't know, and I'm not a researcher in this field, but I think it's very real. The other thing anecdotally that I've seen change, and again, no studies here, but in the world of pediatrics, definitely much more acne. Oh, I'm at too, right? And the acne is much more intense. Like it's not a few pimples, it's scarring. Full-face, full back, full chest. Same drivers here. Same drivers. Kristina Supler: Hormones. Powerful stuff. Yep. Uh, so I'd love to switch gears and talk about the business you launched OOMLA, which aims to make puberty comfortable, and you have all sorts of content for teens and tweens, and then also parents. Tell us about the mission of OOMLA and why you decided to launch that endeavor when it it seems like you have so much other stuff going on as well. Dr. Cara Natterson: Yeah, I have the thing or two. So when I was writing the American girl books, I was traveling all over the country and it was a, an unbelievable opportunity to speak with parents and kids everywhere. And what became very clear to me was that there's lots of information about how to get through puberty aimed at adults only. Very little aimed at kids and there is no product solution. So boobs. Perfect example. Everyone who ha…

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    Signs Your Child Might Be Considering Suicide Nov 09, 2022
    Show notes

    In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler are joined by Dr. Heath Hightower, the Senior Director of Suicide Grief Support Services at Samaritans in Boston. They discuss suicide among college students. The conversation includes how to prevent suicide, what to do when you suspect a loved one of being suicidal, and how to cope with the aftermath. Links Mentioned In the Show: Suicide Grief Support Services at Samaritans in Boston Show Notes: (03:02) An unfair expectation from parents about their children and suicide (06:15) A few common warning signs that your child maybe suicidal (07:59) How parents, coaches, teachers, and peers should address students exhibiting symptoms of being suicidal (10:00) How often are young adults honest about their suicidal thoughts? (12:25) Can you just bring your child to a mental health professional to confirm if they're suicidal? (13:35) Are mental health screenings enough to know if your child is suicidal? (15:06) What is the difference between mental health screenings and assessments? (16:57) When should a student be screened for suicidality by a clinical professional? (17:21) Is there a relationship between suicide and substance abuse in young adults? (19:28) How to know if your child is just experiencing homesickness in college or needs to come back home? (23:22) How can parents let their college-age children know they're worried about them, yet respect their independence? (25:40) How Netflix can help initiate a conversation with your child about their suicidal symptoms. (27:25) When do your children understand the concept of death and its permanence? (30:07) What can students do to help one another if a friend or a fellow student on campus takes their own life? Transcript: Susan Stone: So today, Kristina, we're going to address something that we've been thinking about and talking about a lot because mental health is always a component of our podcast and since the pandemic, it's really shed a light on. Mental health issues that we've addressed from a number, number of angles, but we really haven't talked about suicide. So today's guest, we're gonna talk about suicide prevention, screening, assessment, intervention, and postvention. Kristina Supler: This is a, a topic that's. Well, September marked National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. This episode unfortunately won't be released in September, but it's a really important discussion that's relevant year round. And so we wanted to invite today's guests to examine this topic with us suicide's, the second leading cause of death for college students. Susan Stone: And, and again, it, it's a topic that sadly, that has affected and impacted our. And although we are not mental health professionals, we make a lot of referrals. And sadly, we have dealt with the issue in some of our cases. Kristina Supler: So today we are pleased to be joined by Dr. Heath Hightower, who is the Senior Director of Suicide Grief Support Services at Samaritans in Boston. Susan Stone: And just interrupt. He's also recently became a doctor, so congratulations, Heath , and. Just as recently, my brother-in-law. Well, there you go. There you go. So I thought I'd add that in. Kristina Supler: Well, let me keep bragging. Dr. Hightower holds a doctorate in counseling and psychology and a master's degree in social work. His clinical work has also included outpatient substance abuse counseling. Private, independent high school counseling and community college counseling, basically our population. That's right. Dr. Hightower's research and scholarly writing has focused on suicide in the black and African American communities and reframing the SU suicide as a social justice issue. Susan Stone: Welcome, Heath Hightower: Welcome to you as well. Thank you so much for having me today. Susan Stone: We're really pleased to have someone who is so knowledgeable and works with this population. The number one question I think for every parent is, what are the signs? And in particular, if you're a parent, how do you separate depression, anxiety from thinking that it's actually a suicide risk? Heath Hightower: Yeah, so you're asking a really important question, Susan, and it doesn't have a very simple answer, unfortunately. So one of the things that I think is important for parents to hear, Especially a parents who are parents in the United States is that you are all in what I like to call the American Parent Trap, which really means that there is this cultural expectation that you are going to be the expert in every aspect of your child's life, and therefore should have some sort of special almost clairvoyant ability to predict when your child is going to be thinking about suicide, maybe planning a suicide and maybe attempting suicide. And I think that that trap sets a really unrealistic expectation around suicide screening and assessment, especially when moms and dads are trying to do that. And they're not trained professionals to do that. So I wanna just start off by saying to moms and dads out there, There are unrealistic expectations on you about your ability to predict your child's suicide. The other, I think, cultural piece that we have to also understand is that suicide is preventable, but that doesn't necessarily mean that all suicides can be prevented. And so, I think it's important to say that out loud because it is possible for anybody to do or say all of the technically right things and still have an outcome that is a death by suicide. So that doesn't mean we're power. That's pill Kristina Supler: to swallow. Yeah, that's a hard truth, but I think an important truth. Heath Hightower: Well, this is called Real Talk for a reason. Kristina Supler: That's right. That's right. Heath Hightower: So let's talk really about this then. So given that reality, there still are things that we can know, and when we know them, we can respond in a particular way. So the challenge though is that a lot of the indicators, the, the suicide risk factors and warning signs can also be indicators and warning signs of other things, right? Unless your child comes to you, And says, Mom, dad, foster, ma, mom, foster dad, grandma, whoever is serving in that parental role, I am thinking about dying by suicide and here's how I'm gonna do it and here's when I'm gonna do it. If, if a child doesn't do that, anything short of that is going to require you to do some follow up and to, to notice some things that are going on in your child's life and then follow up by asking about that. So let me just give you a concrete example. I was gonna Susan Stone: say, what do you wanna know? Kristina Supler: What are the specifics that maybe parents should be on the lookout for? Heath Hightower: Yeah. Or, yeah. So yeah, so a lot of the warning signs are expressing a desire to die. Certainly if your child is deleting their social media accounts, if they are getting into fights with people that they don't. Usually get into fights with anger and rage at people that they don't usually get rageful at. So it's one thing for them to be pissed off at you. It's another th thing for them to be pissed off at grandma and to call her all sorts of obscene names. Right? That's that's really different. I think also if we start seeing our kids engaging in high risk behaviors like increased substance use, driving the car really fast, engaging in high risk sexual activities, All of that impulsivity stuff. If we see an increase in their usual impulsive behaviors, which again can be relatively typical for adolescents and young adults, if we start seeing that in greater proportions, those are the warning signs that moms and dads and coaches, and administrators and teachers really should be on the lookout for. Pull the student aside and have a conversation. Susan Stone: Should peers just confront it head on? I mean, that would be my M.O. Are you thinking about this? I've noticed. Heath Hightower: Yeah, so I think you're raising a really good point about addressing it head on. I think the, the question isn't whether you should directly, uh, confront it head on. It's really how you do it. So I think the approach is important. I think if you barge into little Johnny or little Susie's room and say, Hey, what the hell's going on? Are you thinking about dying by suicide? I think you're gonna get a pretty defensive answer, which is no, not at all. Right? But if on the other hand, you knock on little Johnny and Susie's door, you ask for permission to come in and you say, Little Johnny or Susie, here's what I've noticed. Can you help me understand what's going on? And then really, really listen. Right? Without responding, hear them out fully and then express what your concern might be. Right? So if your concern is, gosh, I've noticed you're not sleeping, I noticed that, you know, you're not talking to your friends, you, you've skipped gymnastics, or you've skipped track practice. Can you help me? Can you help me understand what's, what's going on? And. If little and Johnny say, Well, here's what's going on. Depending on what's actually going on, that then should guide mom and dad's next reaction or response. Kristina Supler: So that's, that's really helpful to hear. And it sounds like at the heart of it, an essential thing for parents or loved ones to do is listen really carefully. But my question for you is this, you mentioned, uh, when we first started talking short of. The child, the teen, the college student coming out and saying, You know, I'm, I'm contemplating. dying, or even in the conversation along the lines of what you recommended. Now my question is this, how, how often are young adults actually honest and forthright about what their thoughts are? Susan Stone: You took the question. I I thought of it at the same time. I mean, I, I would assume if someone's planning this, don't they lie and wanna cover it up that it's what I was thinking, Kristina Supler: Like how often do young adults actually come right out and say, Here's, here's what I'm thinking. Heath Hightower: Yeah, so I think, so in my experience, if you ask someone directly and their response is, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Then I think the follow up question is, Gosh, I'm, I'm hearing the No, no, no, no, no. And yet I'm seeing these signs. Can you help me, help me understand the disconnect between the, No, no, no, no, no, no, no. and what I'm seeing. And so again, this is really about gently redirecting that you've heard what they've said, " no, no, no, no, no. That's not what I'm thinking." And at the same time, you're also pointing out that there's this disconnect between what they're saying, how they're saying it, and what else is going on. So if they say, No, no, no, no, no. Then again, the question, the, the rejoinder, the, the follow up is, can you help me understand what made you decide to delete your email accounts or your social media accounts? What made you decide to not go to practice today. What made you decide to drop out of the school play? What, you know, what made you decide to drive your car at 80 miles an hour in a 20 mile an hour speed zone. So I think that kind of going back and checking in will give your the child a sign or your student a sign that you really want to know. That you, you, that it's not a one and done. I asked you, you said no, I walked away for an accusation. Right. And it's not an accusation either, right? It, it really is. I'm here, I'm concerned. I need to know what's going on. And the story that you're telling me doesn't make sense to me, and so I need you to help me make sense of this because I love you, I care about you and I don't want anything bad to happen to you. And Susan Stone: the instinct Heath is, that's a lot of pressure on parents. So yeah. Would you agree that if a parent has any doubt, what's wrong with just having them, the child or the students screened by a mental health professional? And if so, how reliable are those screens? Heath Hightower: Yeah, that's a really good question. So one of, So I think one of the things you have to think about is. Are you forcing the kid to go? Or is the kid going because they want to go talk to the mental health professional? I think we all know that if we try to make our, our teens and our young adults do things that they don't want to do, they're pretty skilled at telling adults, even train clinicians what they think the trained clinician wants to hear. Right? And so I think that. I think that while I understand that your question is implying, this is putting a lot of pressure on moms and dads to figure this out themselves. It's therapist. Right, Right. It's, it's true, but it's also true that you are likely to know your child and have a better relationship with your child than anybody else in their life. That is an adult. Now, there may be a coach, there may be a teacher that they would feel more comfortable with. And in that case, you know, you might want to enlist that adult's help to try to get the screening done. So I think. Your other question is also to what degree are these screening tools effective? Right, So the, Yeah, so I think that a couple of things depends on whether they're effective or not. One thing that determines effectiveness is has the student or child been screened before? Right. So if a child already knows what the questions are and what the consequences may be, if they say yes to a specific question, then they may be less likely to be forthcoming. Right. Susan Stone: Which is fear of being put in a hospital. Heath Hightower: Yes. Susan Stone: Or put in a wilderness program or anter alternative therapeutic environment. They're gonna game it. Heath Hightower: Right. Exactly. Yeah. Kristina Supler: But do the screening measures have a built in means to look for lingering or manipulation or, or something like that? Or, or perhaps not. Okay. Interesting. Heath Hightower: No, no. No, I mean a lot. Again, screenings are about yes or no is, is someone positive or negative for suicidality. I mean, and again, these inter A screening interview is built for efficiency. It's built to be administered in less than a minute. It's all yes or no questions. Kristina Supler: How do you make that assessment in one minute with yes and no? Well, less than, yeah. Less than one minute. Yeah. That's i's blowing my mind. Heath Hightower: Yeah. So I think it's important to differentiate between screenings and assessments. So a screening. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. So in, in professional parlance a screening is a, a brief tool simply to determine whether or not there is what probability that a person has a particular experience. In this case we're talking about to what degree or to what probability does a child or an adult or a youth, how probable is it that they're suicidal right at this very second. If the, if they test positive, which is that, which is to say there is a real high likelihood that they are experiencing some form of suicidality, then the next step would be to do a much more thorough assessment. Kristina Supler: So it. I'm just thinking through parents who might have a great relationship with their student or child or maybe not. And you know, a follow up question is when should they get screened? But I think it sounds like real sudden changes in behavior. I mean, is that fair? I'm thinkin…

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    Shocking Information About Your Digital Privacy You Need To Know! Oct 26, 2022
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    In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler are joined by Danielle Citron, author, privacy expert, and a law professor at the University of Virginia School of Law. They discuss digital privacy and the internet. The conversation includes the little-known ways your data is being collected and sold, how your data can potentially be weaponized against you, the sad reality of how the law works against victims of digital privacy violations and how to become a better digital citizen. Links: Website: https://www.daniellecitron.com Show Notes: (00:28) How the internet has made life a lot more convenient these days (00:52) Why the internet is also a dangerous place for students (03:13) What is the concept of intimate privacy on the internet? (03:50) Why your personal data is not actually, "safe," and is actually being tracked and sold to marketers (05:16) Why even the Department of Defense advises its enlistees from using 23 and me or similar services (05:54) How your DNA is legally being sold and exploited by ancestry composition services, even outside of the United States (08:30) Don't take nude photos or sex videos if you don't want to be vulnerable (09:15) Why you may be charged with child pornography even if you take your own nudes or send them consensually. (10:15) What consenting adults need to know before sharing their nudes with others (11:03) The harsh reality of what happens when you report your vulnerable photos being misused to the authorities (12:24) Why women and minorities are more vulnerable to being exploited online (13:38) Can data on your period tracking apps be used against women since the criminalization of abortion in some states? (15:56) How our phones can essentially be weaponized against us by law enforcement, thanks to advertisers, marketers, data brokers. (17:03) How even your location and Google search history can create a domino effect of circumstantial evidence (18:39) Will the purpose of your search history be considered should it be used against you in a criminal case? (20:22) Hate speech online: Are the First Amendment rights in favor of the violators in the non-private sector? (22:00) How intimate privacy violations are handled in the private sector: working with Atty. General Kamala Harris on building the cyber exploitation task force. (25:22) Dealing with intimate privacy violations: Why your photo may legally be allowed to stay online because of section 230 of the Communications Decency Act (26:55) How Section 230 has been drastically misconstrued especially in social media violations (28:07) Why Reddits and sub-reddits are the new breeding ground of non-consensual intimate imagery (28:32) How the law is further victimizing victims of digital privacy violations (30:06) Why it is crucial to change the law that protects the solicitors of intimate privacy violations instead of the victims (32:10) How to be a better digital citizen: For you and for other people (33:40) Why speaking up is necessary to put a stop to digital privacy violations Transcript: Susan Stone: So this is the second in a two-part series. Is there a series? If there's only two? Kristina Supler: I think we've just made it one. Susan Stone: Okay. On digital privacy and the internet. , I think we can all agree that the internet brings with us a lot of ease to our life. I know that today I ran out of toothpaste and went right on my Amazon and clicked, Didn't have to run out. There you go. But it can also be a scary place Kristina Supler: In our practice representing students in, in various contexts we're dealing and wrestling with digital evidence every day and in a variety of different contexts. We handle cases involving sexting, cancel culture, and different iterations of that, and it's, it's amazing to see. I'm still amazed, Susan, I don't know if you feel the same way, what our, our clients and their peers say and do and put on the internet. Susan Stone: Well, it's not just that. It's that I still have a lot of trouble with the fact that the whole etiquette of our society has changed with the internet and with cell phones. I still think it's incredibly rude to look at your cell phone at the dinner table. And I will often say to my adult children and my high school age children, put it down. Well, talk to me. I'm right here. Kristina Supler: Absolutely. I agree. Well, today we are thrilled to be joined by the esteemed Danielle Citron, who's a law professor at the University of Virginia School of Law. where she teaches and writes about privacy, free expression and civil rights. For the past decade, she's worked as a civil rights advocate and has worked with lawmakers, law enforcement officers, and various tech companies to combat online abuse and to protect intimate privacy. She's been directly involved in some reform effort. Surrounding the regulation of various online platforms. Since 2011, Danielle has been a member of Safety Task Forces for Facebook and Twitter, and she also serves as an advisor for. Dating apps like Bumble and Streaming Services and TikTok, so be interested to hear more about that. She's written countless articles published across the G Globe and her most recent book, which just came out is titled The Fight for Privacy, Protecting Dignity, Identity, and Love in The Digital Age. Danielle, thanks for joining us. Danielle Citron: We're really excited. Thanks so much for having me. Awesome. Susan Stone: Well, d Danielle, you study how most of our private data is collected and stored. Can you talk to our listeners about intimate privacy. What it is, and how does it impact our daily life? Danielle Citron: So the concept of intimate privacy is all the ways that we others have access to and information about our bodies, our health, our innermost thoughts that we, we essentially convey all day long. Our browsing, our reading, our searching our, of course texting and emailing our information and access to, uh, our sexual activities our sex, our sexual orientation, our gender, and our closest relationships. And all day long, every day we go about our lives sharing and provid access to our intimate privacy Kind of expecting hoping, and of course, deserving intimate privacy. And I wish I could say that we have it, but unfortunately we often don't. So when we go to a hotel room or a public bath bathroom, we sort of assume that no one is taping us there when we, take a nude photo of ourselves or share really intimate thoughts with a loved one via text. We assume that they are gonna keep that confidential. And when companies ferry that information and store that information, we assume, right? They're gonna protect it from hacking. And when we use apps, we search, we check out our health, a digital assistance, like our health apps, our Fitbit. We share information about our health conditions, whether we've gotten our period, whether you. We have visited adult sites. The videos that we watch, all that information, we of course want, expect and hope, privacy, that we enjoy privacy. What we don't think, and we don't realize is that all that information is being tracked, sold to advertisers as and marketers and then to data brokers. Susan Stone: You know what's so interesting? I did the 23andme. and I am, oh boy. Oh boy, . Well, Danielle Citron: there Susan Stone: was nothing, surprisingly, I am mostly an Ashkenazi jew. That should be no surprise to anybody and a part Neanderthal. But what I was shocked with is the emails that have flowed in as a result Kristina Supler: of me. You just been inundated by junk, or you name it. Susan Stone: It's bizarre. I mean, now I guess the government knows all my genetic information. Wow. Danielle Citron: Right, So, So I'm a little worried, right? The Department of of Defense tells all of its Enlistees and all of its officers that they shouldn't use 23 and me. Because that information Wow is gonna be shared outside, you know, the United States and potentially with governments that could use it to extort and blackmail. Uh, they're enlistees. So tell us like, if the DO OD is telling them not to do it, why are you doing it? Kristina Supler: Where did Susan's information go? Susan Stone: Yeah, tell me and what are they gonna do with the fact? Tell me that I'm an Ashkenazi Jew. I mean, I don't know. Well, Kristina Supler: is it in, Danielle Citron: you're, you're a DNA isn't just relevant to you. It's relevant to everyone who shares some of that material. And so that makes your identity and the identity of people in your family and those you care about, then visible, detectable to others. And that's not just including, of course, marketers and advertisers, which I don't want that happening either. But it's still, it's happening. It's, these information is not covered and protected by hipaa. But because it's eligible to be sold and exploited, it's eligible to be sold and exploited to data brokers who are selling it to non USA Susan Stone: uS governments. Danielle, my husband wouldn't participate because he said he didn't want anyone knowing about his dna. And I told him he was crazy. So David, sounds like you're Kristina Supler: the, You could, That's Danielle Citron: pot-kettle, right? And it's not like I'm wearing its tin hat. Right friends. I'm not. No, I agree. All these ways that I gotta say I love my Spotify app . There are all these ways in which I love these tools too. So I'm, I'm not suggesting that we throw them in the sea. Our phones, right, our apps. But what I am saying is that there's so little protection that 23 and me might think, Gosh, that's health. Of course they're protecting my dna and the answer is absolutely not. HIPAA does not apply, nor does the, genetic, uh, non-discrimination information Act only applies to employers. So it's honestly, I wanna, I, you know, I wanna allow us some room to say some things don't do. But also to call for structural reforms cuz there's only so much I want you to have to get rid of . I want us to use these tools, but I want us to use them in ways that are with commitments of protection. Sure. Kristina Supler: Mm-hmm. . So I'd like to circle back. You had mentioned nude photos and Yeah. Again, that's something Susan, I mean we, Susan Stone: we've all the time, Kristina Supler: many, many cases involving nude photos and you speak in your book uh, about how nude photos, extortion, revenge porn. It, it's something that is, is on the rise in terms of abuse. When we talk about nude photos, I think sometimes society as a whole might be quick to say. People might judge and say, Well, if you don't want people to see 'em, Don't take 'em otherwise, you, you incur the risk. What's your response to that type of thinking? Susan Stone: And might I add, I know we give advice all the time to parents to tell, say to their kids, This is a hard no. I know you just spoke about you don't wanna put too many fences up or guardrails. You want people to enjoy some of the benefits of the internet. But this is an area I know we feel strongly, especially with minors. No nude photos first. Danielle Citron: Yeah. Yeah. Kristina Supler: What's the response? Danielle Citron: Yeah, I've got two. The first is that to the response that if you don't wanna be vulnerable, don't take the photos. It belies the reality that sex videos can be made about you without your involvement. Kristina Supler: The deep fakes. Danielle Citron: Not only Right, right, right. Not only the non-consensual sort of, um, videotaping in your bedroom that you don't know about, haven't permitted, but fakery. Mm-hmm. . So women's and girls' faces are swapped into porn at. There are now like 60,000 videos, deep fake sex videos, digitally manipulated videos online. And guess what? 95% of them are deep fake sex videos and over 98% of them are women and girls' faces. It's terrifying. You would. Terrifying. So the idea that like you shouldn't have done it, the answer is, well, you didn't. Okay, That's the first. The second is heated agreement about anyone under 18. Right. If you're on 18, it's understood as child exploitation material. Yes. So even if you create it yourself, even if you consensually share it with someone your own age, you know, like share it with another 15 year old with whom you're in a relationship with, the answer is for both of you, it's child sexual exploitation material, even though which is violates federal and state law, even though the whole point of these rules are. Predation, right? Child predators, but they're very formalistic, these roles. And it's like you make it, you share it. And even if you're in a consensual relationship, you're 16, you've got another, you know, you have a partner who's 16, don't do it. So I would say I'm totally at, agree with me. Whenever I give calls, I mean, talks to folks who were under 18. I say, Don't do it. You're not allowed. State and federal law says it's child pornography. Too much risk. Um, It. Right. And I do also say to young people who are over 18, and I have some of them in my own house two 20 year olds in that age range, age range. I say there's nothing wrong with sexual expression at all. Like what was important to my spouse and I making mixed tapes and writing love letters is like, it has a different valence. You do it differently in the 21st century. Right. But I do say makes you trust the person. Because of course it could be fakey, but crucially, you gotta be sure you're sharing in a confidential relationship. It doesn't guarantee anything. But I don't wanna be that person who says you can't do it when you're 25. But I do say be careful with whom one shares because trust is everything. Susan Stone: Well, and I'd like to add, a lot of people aren't aware that it's the one who takes the picture that owns the copyright of the picture. So you might think it's give it back to, it's me, it's my photo. But the law says otherwise. Danielle Citron: Right. And, and that we have to look to copyright to help us, protect us is unfortunate cuz it's not about property and, you know, and, and creativity and making money off of the photo. This is about privacy. That's right. And it's about, you know, my image doesn't belong to you and shouldn't be appropriated even if you took it and. I wish I could say was law was more responsive. When people non consensually share nude images of you without your permission, assuming you're over 18 law enforcement, often you go report it and they say, Sorry, close your computer. Boys will be boys. It's your, it's your fault. Yeah, they don't do anything. They see a lot of that. And then it's really hard to get lawyers who are willing to represent you low bono or pro bono. Mm-hmm. . Cause we gotta make a living somehow, attorneys. Right. And you can't go to a. There's no deep pocket, can't go to the platforms, right? And when you wanna sue a, a perpetrator, they probably have very little money. So it, it's becomes like a way in which the response to victim is, Well, go sue your perpetrator, or go put them in jail. And the answer is, you can do almost neither as a practical matter. So we need to kind of rethink how we protect intimate privacy in the digital age. Susan Stone: In your opinion, what groups of people are the most vulnerable when it comes to intimate privacy, collecting, mining, and selling. Danielle Citron: Okay, so, so first thi…

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    Restorative Justice: A Better Way To Handle Student Conflict Oct 12, 2022
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    In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler are joined by Nathan Maynard, author and youth advocate. They discuss Restorative Justice. The conversation includes the adverse effects of not practicing restorative justice, practical applications of the restorative justice system, and nurturing positive behavior with empathy. Show Notes: (02:27) What kickstarted Nathan Maynard's unique perspective on restorative justice (05:02) Enhancing learning capacity through the use of restorative justice to develop social capital with others (07:02) Suspension and expulsion vs. empathy: Which is really a more conducive resolution in school fights? (08:14) The crucial role of educators in the school to prison pipeline (09:37) Do sexual harassment and serious offenses still warrant for restorative justice? (10:33) The restorative justice process and its considerations (11:21) How a student selling drugs can be managed with the restorative justice process (14:32) One deal breaker of the restorative justice process (15:50) A restorative justice success story: the power of social capital and a skilled mediator in a sexual misconduct case (18:06) Should restorative practices be applied in a classroom setting? (20:50) Why cancel culture is doing more harm than good compared to restorative justice (23:00) ​​How restorative justice gives a voice to those oppressed by the "powerful" by letting all sides be heard (25:28) How to foster empathy by simply being a good listener (26:50) The best practices to avoid treating someone else's problem as your own (28:53) Getting into the zone of control with co-regulation (31:00) Setting expectations instead of rules to influence positive behavior (32:48) The best way to prepare a student who needs to respond to a disciplinary process (34:36) Making a change by changing our mindsets Transcript: Susan Stone: Kristina, I know I'm borrowing off the Bachelor when I say this, but this might be like the best podcast because it's a topic that you know is a personal passion, uh, topic. It's in light of our student disciplinary practice. It's restorative justice. So Kristina Supler: I know for years, Susan Restorative Justice, It's sort of the little engine that could. This topic we've loved, I recall for years working with you, and you'd come back from suspension hearings, expulsion hearings, you name it, any sort of student misconduct proceeding. And you'd say like, Oh, I'd say, How'd it go? And you're like, Okay. But it's just. It's so unsatisfying. There's gotta be a better way to do this. And yeah, lo and behold, we learned about restorative justice and I remember that moment when we were both sort of that aha moment. We're like, This is it. Oh my gosh. Like this might be the better. That we're looking for. Susan Stone: Yeah. And in 2017, we went to Swarthmore College and got certified in restorative justice thinking that we were going to convert every school district, every college into our way, and Kristina Supler: did happen. Did we know that at least colleges and universities in the Title IX contexts certainly weren't ready for restorative justice, but fortunately, Times have changed. We're, we're so pleased to have today's guest with us, Nathan Maynard, who together with Brad Weinstein, wrote the acclaimed book "Hacking School Discipline: nine Ways to Create a Culture of Empathy and Responsibility using Restorative Justice". And Welcome, Nathan, we're so pleased to have you with us. My to have Susan Stone: you with. We're really happy to have you. Thank you. Yeah, thank. Kristina Supler: I mean, your book offers such a different perspective and frankly, a refreshing perspective on what could be an effective approach to school discipline. So Nathan, thank you for being here today. We're so pleased. And just tell us a little about your, your background and what led to writing this book. Nathan Maynard: Yeah, definitely. So, I got started in restorative practices back in 2007. I went through training through the I I R P, the International Institute Restorative Practices, and I really fell in love with it right away. I just started to see how this would work with some of the youth that I was working with. I was working in part-time at the time in a residential treatment care center and I was really able. Help me open up the doors just to understand this empathy perspective on other people's lives and, and build from there. After I graduated with my degree in behavioral neuroscience there's a full-time position that opened up there at the Residential Treatment Care Center. So I went full-time. Um, and I started doing that and I ran a unit for three years there and it was really great just. Build off of the stuff and continue to see these practices working, working, working and sort of, trial by fire. Learn stuff and you'd see how things are working from there and just make small ITER iterations. Then after doing that, I went to the clinical team and then I did that for four years. And what I was doing at that time was really helping this restore practices, getting some of the different areas, schools in Lafayette, Indiana. I started seeing all these positive benefits from it and, and the ways that. We were looking at situations as opportunities now instead of situations that were like, roadblocks for these students and working through this. So I did that for a total of seven years in the justice field. Then I went to education. I was a school administrator for a total of about three and a half years. My last position, I was came down here to Indianapolis. Help open up Purdue University's first high school called Purdue Polytechnic High School for underserved and underprivileged youth. At that time I was really able to see how these practices can work in sort of a new setting, new building with this population of students that really need us the most. That's where I met Brad and him and I collaborated together and, created hacking school discipline. Susan Stone: So it's really interesting. Thank you for sharing that because you met Brad to collaborate on Restorative Justice. And I met Kristina at our, a former practice that we both worked at. I, my background is representing students accused of misconduct. And more and more of our cases had a criminal component where a student would be both looking at an expulsion and disciplinary hearing, and Kristina came in and represented our students in the juvenile delinquency proceedings. And we both came upon restorative justice because we're so sad. Even though we really work on getting good results, we know that it doesn't leave students with better. Yes. So just for our listeners, can you tell us really, what is restorative justice and how does it fit in within the context of the disciplinary system? Nathan Maynard: Yeah, so I think that the, the cool thing about restorative justice and restorative practices is there's not really this very clear black and white. This is what it's about, you know? But the way that I communicate it out to people is it's this way that we build social capital with other individuals, and the more social capital we have with them, the more that we can have this learning that takes place when situations arise. It's a proactive approach to building relationships and building up that social capital. And then on the reactive side, it's really about, you know, repairing harm and, and focusing on the ways that, we can move past the situation that do arise. We focus a lot on that sense of belonging for our students. And what does that look like to make sure that we're all belonging? Cause we know that the more that we belong somewhere, the less that we're going to feel like an outlier, and that other situations have to happen. Kristina Supler: So it's interesting to hear you talk about social capital. I have to share with you something that literally happened yesterday. Last night I got home from work. I go on Facebook, I'm scrolling through and in the community Facebook group for where I live. There was this really contentious discussion because the local high school has recently had just surge in student altercations. And so it's like, Oh my gosh, what's happening at the high school? There's fist fights every day. And parents are talking and sharing their feedback. The school district put out a statement that frankly was, Pretty underwhelming and unsatisfactory, and it was striking for me, especially Susan, thinking about today and speaking with you on this podcast, all of the comments by people saying, Expel the troublemaker. It's the only way to get students to listen. Show them this isn't gonna be tolerated. Get 'em out of there. And it was interesting to see how many people were like, Absolutely. That's the way. Zero tolerance. So I'm just curious, I mean, I think I know because you wrote a book about restorative justice, but what, what's your response to this? What would you say if you were in that Facebook group? Yeah, Nathan Maynard: I think that it's easy when you're not part of that situation to sort of put, you know what you think should happen, but then when you start to empathize and just be a, a good human, Like what we're all saying. We all make mistakes. And I think that we have to be looking at these situations as what does it look like to build off of situations and support not just the learning community, but each one of these individuals there in the school. There's situations where there's needs and obligations that do come up for the safety of the students in the safety of the building, but at the end of the day, what does it look like to make sure that we're not putting our own sort of, Bias onto a situation. We're not putting our own sort of situation where we're trying to push something to happen. We are really looking at this as what does it look like just to move forward? When there's suspensions that do occur, and a student has to be removed from a school, what does it look like to reintegrate them back into that school? What does it look like to make sure we're setting them up for success? A lot of times when something happens and we go back into what happened, It's really tough for us to really put the pieces together without everyone sort of involved in it. And that's what punitive discipline does. It tries to put all these pieces together without including everyone in their mindsets and what's taken place in that. I'm against zero tolerance, obviously with restorative justice, restorative practices mindset. I do think that exclusionary practices has led to a lot of this huge issue that we have in our society with the school to prison pipeline. That's definitely hitting our historically marginalized populations. So I think that when we're looking at policies, we're looking at ways to support educators. We need to be looking at something where we're doing these consequences that are actually teaching and holding true responsibility for someone's actions instead of just pushing that out into society or into high risk situations. Susan Stone: So Nathan, when Kristina and I are hired, we're not hired for the, Some of the examples you gave in the book. Obviously no one's gonna spend a lot of money for a lawyer. A lawyer, when their kid is suspended for a day for throwing a pencil in the class. We're brought in on sex offenses, sexual assault, sexual harassment, serious plagiarism or academic misconduct, hazing, especially at the collegiate level and drug offenses. My question to you, do you think that under the more serious offenses, then schools should really just rely on a traditional model rather than a restorative approach? or do you think that a restorative approach is appropriate in conjunction with expulsion or separation? Nathan Maynard: Yeah, I, I think that restorative practices can be really integrated into all aspects of, of discipline there in the school and the justice system. You know, working in the juvenile justice system for, my, my seven plus years. And working with, sexually maladaptive youth going through the court hearings, seeing students and youth that were, placed in Department of Corrections, reintegrating back into the community, we understand that there's always, nothing's indefinite. So what are we doing to looking at this as again, that that whole picture and that reintegration process is so important and there's gotta be teaching that takes place. You know, I think that the justice system overall has a lot of this mindset of, rehabilitation. But what does really rehabilitation look. When you know, you're not looking at repairing the harm and you're not looking at this responsibility of your actions through this. So on a, a more minor scale around the schools with even these serious offenses, Yeah. Sometimes this, this student may need to be removed from the school. We have to take into consideration the safety of that learning environment, the other students. But what does it look like to still use this as an opportunity to learn? What does it still look like to say, okay, even if there's an expulsion, they're gonna be coming back next year. So what does this look like to really support them in this process and not just even. The youth that was doing the the criminal act or what this was, but also the people that were affected from it the educators, their families the per se victims of a situation. What does it look like? They're all included in this process as well, to really be able to build everyone back up to as whole as possible after something takes place. Quick Susan Stone: follow up question. Can you just give me an example and my listeners, what would that look like in a more serious case? Play it out for, What do you think, Kristina? I'm just curious what kind of offense that we deal with, Kristina Supler: uh, a student who's selling drugs. How about something like that? Nathan Maynard: Yep. Yep. Yeah, students selling drugs. So a situation where a student was selling drugs into a school, and let's say that they were expelled, let's say there's a zero tolerance sort of situation that happened around this. I think that when we're thinking about in that process of that expulsion, we've gotta be thinking about. The goal of restorative practices is this intrinsic motivation, right? We want to get them to understand why they're doing what they're doing and work through this, but we also have to use extrinsic factors to help get there. So if the students expelled, there would still be some sort of extrinsic factor to get them to this level of supporting. Changing and coming back into the school. So I think that even when it comes to, meeting with people that were affected from that situation, writing a letter to the school doing something proactive over the summer prior to coming back the next year, something like that where it's really building that back in. And then also when they do start back up in the school, what does it look like to give a fresh start? I think that a lot of times our mindsets go into situations and it really ends up hurting things sometimes. . Kristina Supler: So I, I think that. Let's just play out this example of student selling drugs in school or something like that. Cause as Susan mentioned, my background's in criminal defense. And so like, when I think only as a criminal defense attorney, it's like right to me, silent, say nothing, just, you know, Absolutely no apology, no acknowledgement of harm. But…

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    Understanding and Facing Addiction at the Student Level Sep 28, 2022
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    In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler are joined by Philip van Guilder, a Director of Greenhouse Treatment Center's Community Affairs. They discuss mental health and addiction issues in students. The conversation includes the unexpected patterns of addiction and mental health issues prevalent is students today how to identify and address the symptoms of addictive behavior, and what every parent needs to know about the treatment and prevention of mental health and addiction issues. Links Mentioned In the Show: KJK Student Defense Show Notes: (01:37) From personally going through addiction to becoming a mental health evangelist (02:44) The stigma against mental health and addiction issues versus the Greenhouse Treatment Center: how they can help children and adults in 28 days (03:17) What makes the Greenhouse Treatment Center different from most other kinds of hospitals (04:57) Why parents now need to monitor their children for addiction issues as early as the 7th grade (06:30) Marijuana and the serious damage it can do to a child's developing brain, including psychosis (07:40) Why children can get access to drugs from the comfort of their own home (08:58) The warning signs of addictive behavior in children that every parent should be aware of (09:36) One way in which parents and college faculty can curb the onset of addiction issues in students (11:17) The severe and sometimes fatal consequences of overindulgence in alcohol and drugs in college students (12:34) The science behind why compulsive addictive behavior takes place (15:02) The battle of alcohol addiction and sobriety from a first-hand perspective (16:26) Mind vs. Body: Sticking to the path of sobriety (17:57) The ongoing stigma against those with mental health issues (19:44) The best approach to addressing a simultaneous mental health and addiction challenge in college students (22:19) Can someone just have a naturally addictive personality? (24:12) The prevalence of alcohol inhalation and why it's a symptom of addiction (25:38) The relationship between alcohol/drug disorders and eating orders in patients (26:45) The easy steps parents can take to protect their kids and their friends from mental health and/or addiction issues Transcript: Kristina Supler: So here at Real Talk, we're committed to educating our listeners about substance abuse and safety measures that parents and students should know about. On a past episode of Real Talk, we were pleased to have on as a guest, Dr. Beth Weinstock of the Birdie Light organization, whose mission is really to spread information about test strips. And we're so pleased to have our guests today. Susan Stone: We are going to talk to Philip van Guilder, Guilder. I'm sorry. Do you pronounce it? Guilder? Phil Philip. Philip Van Guilder: I do. Yes. Susan Stone: I, I have my tongue twisted today, Kristina. And he is a self-described mental health evangelist at the Greenhouse Treatment Center. And I wanna add a father of five, uh, Philip, without speaking out of turn, you indicated in our pre-chat that you had some addiction issues. And so did your children and for our listeners out there who are mainly parents of high school and college age students, I think your insight is gonna be invaluable. And just add on our last podcast with podcast with Dr. Weinstock so could, before we begin, can you tell us what is a mental health evangelist? I, I saw that and I'm like, are you religious? Where are you coming from? Philip Van Guilder: No, no, it has nothing to do with spirituality. Uh, actually the, the evangelist is a, it pulls me away from the marketing aspects. I, what I'm trying to do and what I do for the greenhouse is make us as transparent to the outside community as possible and make the outside community as transparent to the personnel here as possible. So we can maximize all the resources available and, and we can normalize the stigma of, of mental health issues and, and addiction so that it encourages people to, uh, just to normalize it so that people can get help and, and not feel any sort of a stigma. So I kind of wear my recovery on my sleeve. I mean, if you were to meet me on the street, we were having coffee bumped into each other within about two or three minutes somehow or another, I would word it that you would know. I was a person in long term recovery. Kristina Supler: Philip, you are at Greenhouse Treatment Center, which is a part of the American Addiction Center. Tell us, what's give us some insight into the population that you work with on a daily basis. And what do you do? Susan Stone: Tell us what I, I wanna learn about you. Philip Van Guilder: Okay, thank you. So, so our population is 18 and above, and there are people who primary, uh, diagnosis is substance use. What, what I do, as I said, I reach out to the community. We wanna know what resources are out there. When you come to treatment, whether you're, uh, going to treatment as it, a young adult, or whether you're going to treatment as a, as a child, whatever age you're going to treatment. The 28 days today, which is about what most people can, can, uh, expect to get from their insurance. That's the first step. Uh, we're a hospital. Uh, most hospitals you go to when you go to the hospital, you get medicine, you get a cast, you you're injuries are, are stitched up. And when you leave, you're, you're virtually on your way to, to recovery. This hospital is different. What we do here is we give you information and, and when you leave, what you do with that information determines whether or not you're gonna get well, we don't. And so this is just the first step of your recovery process. So when, so for us, it's important for us to connect with the community because we expect to take the patient, the client from the 28 days and send them to someone else for the next level of care, which is a, um, perhaps partial partial hospitalization, which is the same as all day programming, but not in a hospital setting or intensive outpatient, I O P, which is, number of hours each day, allowing them to work, but continuing their recovery journey or, or even perhaps, uh, as complete step down to continuing care where they show up for a group, uh, once a week or once a month for continuing care. Susan Stone: It's such a long process to recovery. I really, I admire anybody who has the courage to go through it. You talked about working with students 18 and above. Tell us what insights do you have today on young adults battling with addiction, anything different, new, Kristina Supler: or what's the most prevalent form of addiction you're seeing. Susan Stone: Oh, great question, Kristina. Philip Van Guilder: yeah, that, that is a good question. Yeah. What, what we're seeing today is it starts much younger. So by the time we see an 18 year old, they've been involved in, in some of the statistics, I can show, go back to the seventh and eighth grade and it was, and, and, and with alcohol Susan Stone: or drugs, seventh or eighth grade, Philip Van Guilder: Both and with non-prescribed medications and, and, and I, some statistics as recently as 2020, just from this area, we're, we're in, we're just would be the same as any area. 30% of 10th graders, 30% of 10th graders either found it, not dangerous to use marijuana. And yet we know the THC content of marijuana today is so high, that, that it can be very destructive in young developing minds and 30%. So fully, a third of 10th graders believe it's safe to use marijuana. Susan Stone: Well, if it's legal in some states, how would parents dispel that belief? Kristina Supler: Well, I will say in a past episode, we had on Dr. Jill Grimes and who's written a book for college audiences and she is a big believer that it is essential that parents educate their children. That marijuana is harmful no matter what anyone thinks, if it's legalized or not, it does things to developing brains and students need to be aware of the negative impact on brain develop. Philip Van Guilder: Yeah. I mean, there's, there's no doubt about that. So, so let's go back 30, 40 years ago when the THC was three to 4% and, people, perhaps college age experimented with it, maybe they even used it frequently, but it's still three to 4% today. We see pure, uh, marijuana. 18 to 20% and in a developing brain, we're seeing cases of psychosis in 16 year olds, first time use, and we're talking some serious damage. And we know that well, first of all, , and it is not to, it's not to beat up on young people, but. If a little is good, a lot is better. So there is no moderation when we're looking see another thing I've got here. One in five eighth graders believe that it's that's 20, 20% to almost 21% of eight graders. Believe it's okay to use non-prescribed medications because of the way it makes you feel. not just marijuana, but we're talking about people that walk up to the medicine cabinet and grab some, uh, mood altering medication and think it's safe to use a non-prescribed medication. Susan Stone: It's right in the home. Philip Van Guilder: That, that they get out of the medicine cabinet because their parents are taking it on a prescribed basis for the right reasons and they believe it's okay. And it's safe. They believe it's safe, not just okay, but safe to use it because it's after all it's a prescribed medication. Prescribed for someone else. Kristina Supler: Sure. Well, and also, I think we'd be remiss not to mention that with marijuana in this day and age, there's also all the risks. As in that we don't know what marijuana or, or other street drugs could be laced with. Susan Stone: Right. And I, I was thinking one of the questions I wanted you to opine about is. How, if you're in college and you're drinking or occasionally using recreational drugs, how would a student know if what they're doing is within that normal college range versus heading to addiction? What is the line between, okay. You're just having fun in college, a recreational user recreational user, between or. You need to get help. Is it grade slipping, loss of friendships? What are your thoughts? Philip Van Guilder: so I don't wanna be vague about this, but let's, let's go back to what we mean by addictive behavior. When it's compulsive, when I have no choice, but to use. When it's no longer a matter of it was socially fun, but when I have to use in order to feel normal. So what is it like for any, for everybody it's that day when you wake up and you say, you know, I can't face the day without a drink or I can't face the day without first lighting up a blunt or I can't face the day without getting a rig and loading it. That's the day when it's gone too far. In fact, one of the newest organizations that we've seen start off in the last, I would say, I want to, and I'm guessing at this, maybe the last four or five years is young people in recovery on college campuses. We're starting to see a real big push for that because they're not learning how to use in college. They're bringing the addiction to college with them. And so a number of places and, and there's a number of campuses around the country. Arizona was one of the first universities in Tempe was one of the first universities to have a young people on campus. I'm not trying to promote them, but they're just, I just remember meeting some folks that had come out to, to, to bring that template to other campuses around the DFW area. And, and it seemed like people were gravitating towards it because they realized they had a problem. Now that's, I don't know, that's just taken off, but I know that today, when I'm talking to a young person, that's worried about going to school. Like I'm, I'm about a young 18 year old yesterday in a meet last night in a meeting. And he said, he's starting on campus. So small. And I was able to direct him to a young people's group on the local university campus. So it was kind of nice to see him. Know that there's a safe place for him to go. He's been struggling since January of this year. It was kind of nice. Susan Stone: Do you think it's gotta be very lonely to be a college student today in a fraternity or on a sports team and have to say I don't drink. I don't, I'm an addict. Yeah. I, I can't imagine the shame, but you know, Kristina, we've had a lot of friends tell us, they're now sober curious. Mm-hmm , you know, Kristina Supler: A question I had for you, Philip, Susan and I working with students across the country day in and day out. We, every day we're hearing terms like blackout, brown out, gray out and, and. Binge drinking has, has really seems been, been normalized. Susan Stone: We've seen deaths. Kristina Supler: Yeah, actually we've had a couple different cases with a death component and it's an absolute tragedy. What are your thoughts on why. Students are indulging, whether it's alcohol or drugs to such extremes now. Do you think it's the influence of social media? Is it the pandemic in mental health? Or, I mean, working with populations at Greenhouse, do you have any insights? Susan Stone: Yeah, I was gonna say, Kristina, you know, we dealt with that one case where students drink whole bottles of alcohol. And I, I have to tell you, I don't remember that. Did you have that at college? Kristina Supler: I mean, it certainly seems that in the news, there's more reports about fraternity hazing in, in student let's just say excess. And I don't know if it's because it's going on with greater frequency or just the media and other professionals are trying to bring more awareness so that students can be safe. But Philip, what are your thoughts? Philip Van Guilder: I really, I don't think someone says, uh, this is the weekend I wanna binge. You get there with that compulsive addictive behavior. It there's it's if you're truly let's use alcohol, let me separate that from other other drugs. Let's just use alcohol. We know that medically there's a craving component that comes people that are, that, that are alcoholics typically. If we look at the medical, uh, component, it says that we're not able to process or metabolize alcohol at the same rate of non-alcoholic is. Whereas a non-alcoholic can process about one ounce per hour. We can't, we're missing certain components, genetically that keep us, or prevent us from being able to do that. So if we drink more than one ounce per hour, and what happens because we, we retain the alcohol in our system longer because we can't metabolize it. We can't discharge it. It kicks off the craving. So the more we drink, the more we crave that's Kristina Supler: oh, that's interesting. Philip Van Guilder: That's medical thing, whereas you might drink one ounce per hour. By the time you get to the second or third one, you're going, uh, oh, I got a buzz. I'm sitting here thinking man, I need to have some more. I don't have a buzz. Like I want the buzz. You considered something that makes you uncomfortable and I considered something that's necessary. Susan Stone: So that's why all of a sudden they're craving, craving, craving these students. And then all of a sudden blackout. Philip Van Guilder: Yeah. Yeah, because the more they drink, the more they crave, I mean, at midnight, Joe and Charlie, talk about this two wonderful people that are in recovery that, that are both passed now,…

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    What the latest research is teaching us about boys and men Sep 14, 2022
    Show notes

    In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler are joined by Dr. Michael C. Reichert, an Executive Director of the Center for the Study of Boys and Girls at the University of Pennsylvania and a Supervising Psychologist at the Haverford School. They discuss how to raise boys. The conversation includes how Dr. Reichert pioneered a groundbreaking discovery about boys and the key to their learning, why time and society along with it has revolutionized gender stereotypes and the fundamentals of raising a boy that every parent should know. Links Mentioned In the Show: KJK Student Defense Dr. Michael Reichert's Website https://www.michaelcreichert.com Show Notes: (03:11) A shocking commonality that Dr. Reichert and Niobe Way discovered about boys and their relationships (03:37) How a theory of voice education was pioneered (04:04) The essential factor required for boys to engage in learning (04:42) A shocking finding about boys and relationships that baffled even educational and psychological veterans with 50 years of experience combined (07:22) Transformative relationships: do boys become too dependent on their friends? (08:00) How culture and society has caused the context of title IX cases involving males to evolve over time. (09:40) How Kristina and Susan utilized their certification in restorative justice as a means of conflict resolution (11:14) Why masculinity has historically grown to be weaponized involving title IX cases (12:38) The turning point of society: finally acknowledging the humanity of males (17:07) Breaking the stereotype: the shift in parenting and their expectations from their male children (21:32) What every parent, particularly mothers, needs to do for their sons before sending them off to college and throughout it. (22:10) Why the, "Mama's Boy Myth," has been busted. (23:58) What every single mom raising a son needs to bear in mind (25:00) We are living in the era of redefining emotional strength Transcript: Susan Stone: Today's podcast, Kristine and I are going to, again, explore how to raise boys. Now I know you guys out there who pay attention to our podcast are wondering didn't you just do that with Niobi Way talk about boys. Didn't we? Kristina Supler: We did. But you know, we've really had the pleasure of reading quite a few books recently on this topic. And given that in our law practice, while we represent male and female students, we tend to see and deal with cases with boys mostly. Susan Stone: Yeah. I mean, you have to wonder, especially in hazing cases we represent mm-hmm fraternity members. We have never met, represented a, a sorority sister. Kristina Supler: Not true. We have, what did don't forget that? Oh, you did. Susan Stone: oh my gosh. Showing my age, showing my age. Kristina Supler: But you are correct in that 99.9% of the time, our hazing cases are male students. Susan Stone: Yeah, thanks for calling me out there. That's awesome. But why don't you introduce our speaker? That is your job. Kristina Supler: Today, we are joined by Michael Reichert, who is a psychologist who has worked in a variety of clinical school, community and research settings over the course of his career. He serves as the executive director of the center for the study of boys and girls lives a research collaborative at the University of Pennsylvania. And he is also a supervising psychologist at the Haverford school, which is outside of Philadelphia. Susan Stone: Very pretty area, Kristina and I were there gorgeous Kristina Supler: area, gorgeous, fine institutions in that area of the country. Michael has writing has been published in many prominent. Periodicals the Atlantic New York times, Washington post. And today he's joining us to discuss his book, entitled how to raise a boy, the power of connection to build. Good men. Welcome. Welcome. So we're gonna start with the first question, Michael, in how to raise a boy, you address society's narrow conception of what it means to be a real boy. We had Niobe Way author of Deep Secrets. Talk about how boys crave real friendships, which fade over time as boys hit their teenage years. Can you add anything else to that concept and maybe give us a fresh look about boys, maybe something we don't know about them, even though you guys are 50% of the population. Dr. Michael Reichert: good morning, Christina. Good morning, Susan. thank you for having me. And I'm glad to be here and, and particularly glad to be following my good friend and colleague Niobe. You know, um, I was talking with Niobe recently and we were, we're getting ready to host a webinar. We began the conversation with each other, talking about what has surprised us in our research. What led us to the positions that were, were both in respectively and Niobe's way Niobe's study was about friendship and what she discovered that surprised her was that boys indeed have tremendously intimiate relationships with each other relationships that they would die without they feel my research that, that wound up in a very similar destination came from a very different source. I investigated teaching and learning in schools around the world. and we began our large scale survey, 18 countries, 1500 boys ages 12 to 19, and about a thousand of their teachers. And we asked a very simple question. We asked what's worked, trying to build a theory of voice education inductively from the ground up. And what we found was completely unexpected. Not mentioned at all by the teachers that we interview, we, we surveyed and interviewed, came exclusively from the boys themselves. And essentially what the boys said was we depend upon a connection with our teacher or our coach in order to engage in learning. The vulnerable act of learning from somebody requires that we believe this person cares about us and wants to help. now my part, my research partner, and I, we had 50 years at that point between us in the trenches of boys education, we were unprepared for how powerfully boys described themselves as relational learners. And we realized that there was this fog of stereotype that kept us from seeing boys clearly, not just us, but folks in the trenches and some of the finest boys schools around the world. we all had trouble naming this phenomenon that boys are relational. Fundamentally Niobe found something similar. She found that we have this shroud of, of, of misconception that, you know, what she calls false stories that keep us from recognizing how capable of intimacy boys are in their friendships. I arrived at a similar place looking at boys' relationships with their teachers and coaches. Kristina Supler: That's interesting because this, this subject or this topic of relationships, Susan, and I see it so often at the beginning of episode, Susan mentioned fraternities and hazing, of course, but there's a lot of positive that can come from fraternities in those relationships. And in your book, you talk about this idea of brotherhood being a distinct and integral. Facet in boyhood and you discuss how it's ever present in institutions of boyhood like recess, sports teams, clubs, fraternities. When we represent young men in college title IX cases, we do that work across the country and typically our clients are accused male students. And so often Susan and I have these really difficult conversations. With our clients, these young men who are absolutely heartbroken and shocked when they not only receive the news that, they're respondent in a Campus Title IX case, but they learn that they've been asked to leave or been kicked out of their fraternity. And they're friends with whom they thought they had this deep connection. They're now on an island alone. What can you tell us about this? Or what are your thoughts on why that happens. Susan Stone: Other than the legal aspect? Because we always wonder. Is it really the boys or the boys that succombing to pressure from their chapters saying, mm-hmm we, we don't want our charter revoked. You gotta get that kid out and suspend them and it Kristina Supler: make it begs the question. How real are the friendships? Yeah. And then that's a painful, uh, ugly dose of reality that these young men are, are navigating on top of everything else. So, Michael, what are your thoughts? Susan Stone: Are boys really good time, Charlies? Dr. Michael Reichert: Well, you're saying you're packing a lot into your question. So it, I, I think I need to unpack it a little bit or answer from different angles. Number one boys friendships are uh, transformative just as their relationships with teachers and coaches can be transformative. You know, that's what Niobe Ways research established was that these are relationships in which boys can live. They can breathe, they can be themselves and absent those relationships. Their mental health is, is considerably diminished they're alone. So you know, the feeling that your clients have expressed when they get canceled by their fraternity. Of being at a complete loss. I think that's very real and painful. That's number one, but number two, you know, we are in an era, almost a pendulum swing era in which the realities of title IX and me too are seeping into the culture in ways that I think are largely. There's been this culture, this bro culture that has existed in uh, male development that has been tacitly the dominant, a dominant theme for generations and to be called out now historically, uh, about where aggression in intimate, uh, relationships crosses a line. I think that's actually really healthy and important. And, and it, you know, it sets a bar that I think boys need to recognize and take account of, I think a lot about integrity and what what enables a, a young man to retain his human integrity, his humanity. In the context of a culture that does so much puts on puts so much pressure on boys to lose themselves, you know, this idea, for example, that for most boys, their introduction to their sexuality is in pornography. You know, we're not really, some folks are talking about that, but it's not nearly a pervasive enough conversation, particularly in families raising boys. I, I think that. These, the implementation of title IX rules on campus is I think that is in my mind, historic swing. Do boys at the same time as they're being called out, need to be called in, in some restorative justice context? I do believe that I feel strongly about that. Susan Stone: So do we, you should know that many, many years ago. Uh, Kristine and I went to Swarthmore, your neck of the woods, and we were certified in restorative justice. And you know, we talk about it for years. Kristina Supler: It's a wonderful approach to conflict resolution, repairing but Susan Stone: harm. But I will tell you by and large, we don't get to employ those skills. We're typically hired to be advisors in a more traditional hearing setting, but we always pitch it. And I'm still waiting for the day where someone's gonna ask us to serve as advisors in a restorative justice setting. Hasn't happened yet. When did we go to Swarthmore? Kristina Supler: Oh gosh, years ago. I don't remember, but it, it's interesting to see academic institutions embrace restorative justice more for title nine, of course, now that that's permitted with the regulations or student general student misconduct cases, but it's, it has not caught on everywhere. And there's still many students who are very, very resistant to the idea and, and view it as a process that isn't going to help resolve whatever the, the harm in question is. Susan Stone: But we're not, we're not given up on that. Michael, we, we believe in it. , Dr. Michael Reichert: My son went to Swarthmore, by the way. And maybe during the time that you were taking your training, your certification, Susan Stone: you have to ask him and did he see two fabulous women walk across campus? Cause I'm sure it was us. I'm sure Dr. Michael Reichert: The arc of history here is really important to acknowledge, you know, that's really what I was trying to say. Mm-hmm and I do look forward to a time. I believe there will be a time in which you will be asked less to defend young men in these accusations and more to help restore some kind of res you know, some resolution to I think I mentioned in my notes before your interview today that I'm launching a new study of younger men, 18 to 30 years old in partnership with an organization based in DC, Equa Mundo. We're about to launch a state of American men survey. Probably, uh, within a month or two. We're very aware of the fact that we're taking, we're undertaking this study in a context in which Senator Holly is coming up with a new book. Uh, and Tucker Carlson is coming up with a new book, both about men and both about sort of celebrating traditional masculinity. The weaponization of masculinity is unfortunately one of the characteristics of our time and your legal practice, my work as a developmental psychologist, a consulting psychologist, and an a researcher it's taking place in this historic context, what I will say. And one of the reasons we're focusing on 18 to 30 year old guys is I don't think there's ever been a better time to be a young man. To be raising a son or educating a son. I think it's actually the first time I, I get grandiose here, Kristina and Susan, and I say, I think the first time in all of human history, in which we're really able to acknowledge the full humanity of male male beings. And in particular, the relational and emotional natures of males I think is for the first time really coming under popular scrutiny. All of these athletes, for example, who are saying, indeed I struggle with anxiety or depression or whatnot, the legitimation of males as people who have deep feelings in relationships have intimacy needs who have lots and lots of feelings and need to express those feelings. I think that's how I. This historic time and we're in a contest for what view of men is going to prevail. We're gonna have a, kind of a militaristic masculinity, you know, a throwback masculinity touted in the public square from some very loud voices. And, uh, I think that in your work defending young men who have been called out fairly or unfairly I'm I'm sure. You know, you get, you get both. Susan Stone: We do get both. Um, and we see that there is no one flavor of a male respondent. We've had many men tell us that they don't like hooking up. They want the relationships to be deeper than sex. They don't like partying. We've had that. We've had situations where there was rough sex and it was not introduced by the male. It was introduced by the female. So we do see a lot of young men cry. Oh Kristina Supler: yeah. I mean, it's Michael, it's so interesting to hear you say, uh, that it's such a wonderful time to examine these issues and raise young men because when Susan and I are meeting with young men every day and talking to their families, the constant refrain we hear from parents who are sitting in our office, you know, in tears about whatever the situation at hand is, because they're just in this nightmare that they never envisioned involving their child is it's such a hard time for young men on college campuses in particular. Susan Stone: I'm gonna throw a question that I we've prepared our questions that occurred to me. um, and this is gonna be a really controversial question. I'm seeing almost the opposite where it used to be, that people would say that their boys need to toughen it up and their girls were allowed to be vulnerable. And lately w…

    Full show notes at the publisher

    What To Tell Your Child About School Shootings with Joe Hendry Aug 31, 2022
    Show notes

    In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler are joined by Joe Hendry, a Senior Director of onsite services for Navigate 360. They discuss school safety and best practices. The conversation includes why schools are still a relatively safe space for kids , the importance and limitations of a threat assessment in today's day and age, and what parents, students, and school faculty need to know to properly prevent and manage threatening school situations. Links Mentioned In the Show: KJK Student Defense Navigate360.com Show Notes: (01:06) What makes today's guest perfect to discuss children's safety in school (02:48) Are schools in this day and age considered a safe environment for kids? (03:15) The unprecedented spike in mental health issues in schools since the onset of the pandemic (03:56) Have professionals and experts in the field determined a specific profile that indicates one can become an active shooter? (04:50) The limitations of threat assessment in a school setting (05:50) An instance where 2 separate threat assessments were fatally inaccurate (07:49) How to distinguish a possible threat indicator from an unremarkable firearm post on social media (08:45) How conducting risk assessments can aid in improving safety and security protocols in the school setting overall (09:37) Typical issues Joe and his team identify during risk assessments in school districts (11:10) Why over 90% of these catastrophic incidents are actually internal threats (12:00) The importance of early intervention to prevent behavioral issues in students from escalating (13:43) What parents and their children need to know about school lockdowns during dire situations (16:28) Why simply containing dangerous situations within the school physically is not always to correct solution and might even work in favor of the assailant (18:29) Flexibility is the key to an effective lockdown protocol; there is no one-size-fits-all lockdown Susan Stone: Today's topic is quite serious. School safety. Kristina Supler: This is a really difficult topic to discuss. It's. It's a topic that evokes anxiety and fear and. It's top of mind for all of us, particularly as families and households are getting ready for children to go back to school. So we really thought it was essential to do an episode on school safety. Susan Stone: And every time there is another school shooting, it seems like there's a lot of finger pointing and blame placed and it's not constructive to constantly place blame. So we really wanted to have a guest here to talk about what are steps we could take to. Be more solution focused. Kristina Supler: With that in mind. Let's kick it off with today's guest, Joe Hendry. We're here today to talk about school safety and best practices. We're so pleased to be joined by our guest, Joe Henry, Joe served in the Marine Corps and then was a law enforcement officer for nearly 30 years. Now he's transitioned. He's in the private sector where he's senior director of onsite services for Navigate 360, which is basically a company that provides safety solutions for school. Susan Stone: We really are lucky to have you here, Joe, can I just brag about you a little bit before we ask you questions? You were named by the Ohio department of Homeland security. I'm gonna do it anyways. Even if it embarrasses you and the Ohio attorney General's office, as an expert in civilian and law enforcement responses to active threats. Mr Hendry he was also selected as a one of only 18 subject matter experts in school security in the world, by his peers at the, and correct me if I get this wrong, Joe, the ASIS International organization. And we've really avoided this topic, Kristina, because fortunately school safety hasn't been hasn't really hit our practice. We haven't really dealt with that issue in terms of our clients and our cases, but too much has happened. And we felt it was really important to bring you on Joel. And thank you so much for agreeing to talk about school safety. Joe Hendry: Sure. Kristina Supler: Thanks again for joining us. through the pandemic, Susan and I in our practice have seen a, a surge in students with mental health issues. And now we turn on the news and here we are. So let's start with the big question. Are schools safe today? Joe Hendry: I think schools are relatively safe compared to a lot of other locations because there's so much, in place from prior events since Columbine occurred Schools have taken security for the most part fairly seriously. So a lot of things were in place potentially physically security wise from incidents at Columbine and Virginia tech and, Sandy hook that started requiring, special locks, doors, fencing, things like that. But you are correct. There's been a huge uptick in mental health issues. Since the pandemic And that affects security in ways that we haven't seen before prepared for actually, Susan Stone: Kristine and I deal with mental health issues that impact the types of accommodations that students need in schools, such as ADHD or dyslexia or autism. We're talking about something very, very, very different. And I just wanna know in your experience working on these issues, is there a profile of the type of person or who would become an active shooter? Joe Hendry: So the secret service is done two major studies since Columbine and has been really unable to come up with a definitive answer. There's a profile for an active shooter. We have a profile for someone who's a serial killer. There are indicators of person who may become an active shooter, but having a set threat assessment profile of one there isn't there's overlap with things, obviously the most recent one at all day that individual really didn't have any run ins may have had some mental health issues that really didn't. Very obvious through the education system. I've read that he was denied access to some educational benefits to him because he wasn't classified as needing them by the school district. It sounds like he began to leave the education system in a very slow way was having problems at Develop fascination with guns, things like that. Those are indicators potentially of someone who may be prone to violence. It's one of those things where you know, it, when you see it, but because we don't train people how to identify it sometimes threat assessment works and sometimes it doesn't, it's not the exact science. So the way you guys deal with a lot of things, you see ADA access, ADA access, things like that. What I see on my side of the house and I'm trained in NTAC that's national threat assessment center for mental health, you know, identifying people with mental health issues that may become violent. Those type of people require professional assessment by people who are psychologists people who are involved, potentially parents, teachers. Law enforcement security people that run into them in the education system. And even that isn't particularly 100% full proof in identifying those people because there is no exact profile. So a lot of times you may not even know you stop somebody in the path to violence by doing a good behavioral threat assessment on them. But a lot of times it becomes an issue where they don't even. Be able to identify people. You guys remember the Arapahoe shooting a few years ago? Yeah. At the stem school. So that individual it had two threat assessments, one done by the school and one, his mother actually had done by a professional psychologist and both of them actually identified him as a low threat and here he becomes an active shooter. There's no 100% cure all for some of the threats we see in the education system that all makes. Yeah, Kristina Supler: well, it it's, it's actually frightening to think about what you're saying in that there's all these mental health professionals and experts and law enforcement professionals, and other safety professionals who study this for a living. And you say there's no specific. Profile. And it begs the question, Susan and I regularly handle student misconduct cases that might involve the student getting in trouble for posting a picture with a toy gun or fake bullets, things like that. And we've seen believe it or not. We've seen students expelled for these types of social media posts. So can you talk to us a little bit about what's the difference between. Maybe a real warning sign versus something along the lines of a student making a joke. That of course is not funny. Susan Stone: No. And I just wanna add, because the, every year it seems like Kristina, wouldn't you agree? They always happen in September. The jokes come online often, often. Yeah. That's a good point. And we're seeing middle school kids because they have access to devices younger and younger, and I don't wanna profile, but typically boys who will post pictures. And they, they really do think it's a joke or that it's just for friends. They don't expect it to get out. So how's a school supposed to know the difference between this is just a normal kid. And if you expel this kid, you're really derailing their education or causing a school to prison pipeline, versus we gotta watch this kid, Joe Hendry: right. It's really the entirety of behavior of the student who actually has the incident, right. A kid drawing a picture of a gun could go either way. Right. Does he have an unhealthy obsession with a gun? Does he have access to firearms? Has he done things in the past? That would lead people to believe that he's violent, that has, tendencies potentially is the individual suicidal. Does he have. Does he bully other children? All those things come together, drawing the picture of the firearm itself in and of itself may be absolutely nothing. And that's one of the problems we have. Since Columbine, there was this big, huge zero tolerance for violence policy. Sure. Yeah. And that doesn't work. Really doesn't that's why professional behavioral threat assessment is. So I. There's a couple different programs out there. And, you know, in my role as a school professional, one of the things that I do is we do company does risk assessments and I go and conduct risk assessments. In fact, I'm in the process of actually writing a risk assessment for a school district that had an active shooter last year that we were at. And one of the things we at you Susan Stone: clarify, Joe, when you say a risk assessment, I just wanna understand for the institution, or do you do it on a specific student? I just wanna make sure Joe Hendry: we're doing it on the institution. Thank you. The entire, I just didn't understand that. Okay. Facility. So we're looking at all their safety and security procedures and their personnel and their training. And there's a lot of interviews. We look at the physical security safety, and all those things come together because that require. Safety and security requires a very comprehensive plan and it's not just the physical side of things. It's the mental health side of things. Are you providing, behavioral threat assessment you're providing training to people, are you training, emergency operation plan, continuity of operation plans? All those things go into a risk assessment. But one of the things we see is when we start going to do a risk assessment of district, and we ask for paperwork, they'll tell us that they have a threat assessment team, right? They maybe have a school psychologist or social worker on the team. They have a, maybe a school resource officer, principal teacher sometimes outside professionals, depending on the case, what we find is they're meeting, but they really don't have a good guide sense of guidelines on how to conduct the assessment. They don't have good record keeping they're not using, the national threat assessment center from the secret service has professional standards and. In order how to conduct a risk assessment for someone who potentially could be violent or potentially it's a student acting out, or like you said, it could be a student who just did something that thought it would be funny among his friends and it blew up in their face. So what's the decision has to be, what is the difference between all three of those individuals? Having a policy that says if anyone does anything, we kick them outta school. doesn't benefit anyone, especially the student that is the subject of the behavioral threat assessment. Kristina Supler: So, so was, let me ask you, is there any way there's a lot that goes into this. This is a complicated issue, of course. Is there any way for schools to identify early on before the catastrophe happens? When a, a potential shooter a student. Who might engage in some sort of violence enters the building Susan Stone: or a stranger? Sure. Doesn't have to be a, a student. It could be just, you know, unidentified citizen, Joe Hendry: you know, a lot of people don't understand specifically active shooter events in education over 90% of them are internal threats. There're students, staff members of people. Wow. That's really interesting's. So it's not strange. It's meant associated with the school. Wow. Okay. When you say associated, could you tell. Who, what are the who's in that 90%? I'm curious. So if you're talking students, there's been staff members, obviously there have been, husbands of teachers parents, they're all people that are intimately associated with the school, that know facility that know where people are, all of that stuff. And I'm not gonna get in the lockdown right now, cuz we're on a different topic. When you realize they're gonna get there, Susan Stone: Joe. Hey, tight. Joe Hendry: okay. When you get to 90, when you're thinking about 90% of the people are either from the facility or intimately acquainted with it, these are people that a lot of times that are known now, sometimes it's former students that commit crimes, but a lot of times, if we can identify behavioral issues and students that are young without labeling them as a threat, maybe they just had behavioral issues. That, they need to work on kind of stuff. Those kind of things are early interventions with students that, you can maybe potentially change behaviors in young students so that they don't become disillusioned, that they don't become bullies or victim of bullying, things like that. Those are all things that kind of need identified early in the process. A lot of times I'll see and hear from teachers and staff on risk assessments that they. Anti-bullying training maybe at the junior or high level and the high school level, but they're not doing it at elementary school when it actually really is beginning. Susan Stone: Well, when you talk about early intervention, you're speaking our language, cuz we're all about advocating for early intervention, but I wanna shift a little bit. Sure. Because this podcast, we're both parents; you're a parent, Joe; you're talking to parents. So if you were going to speak to parents, what you're doing now, what should parents be telling their children about? God forbid, if something happens how to respond. I know, I would say, and it's probably the wrong thing. You're gonna tell me it. But my instinct is that fight flight, but really in this case, it's flight, like run away, go Kristina Supler: don't. Yeah. I'm not sure that I, I don't think when I hear my daughter talk about the training she does, it…

    Full show notes at the publisher

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