Raising Daughters

Latest Episodes:

Present Day Plagues Damaging Girls, Part 1 Apr 20, 2023

Show notes

Show Notes: The following 3 issues are current plagues that are damaging girls: good girl conditioning, the lack of down time and unstructured play, and early specialization in sports and activities. Dr. Jordan describes how girls experience unhealthy good girl conditioning. He describes lists of qualities of good girls, bad girls, and real girls derived from discussions at his retreats and camps. Also discussed are the detrimental and confusing mixed messages girls receive due to the good girl habituation. This podcast discusses the effect of several intensification movements in education that amped up academic pressures on kids to their detriment. This caused a decrease in the amount of down time kids experience today. He also discusses the negative effects of reduced recess that afflicts most kids today as well as the benefits of real, unstructured, unsupervised, kid-directed play. The third plague discussed is the early specialization in sports and music and other activities experienced by girls today. Go back and relisten to his previous podcast on the damage youth sports does to kids in this link: Take back the game podcast 1-19-23 Dr. Jordan also presents good data on the value of letting kids sample lots of activities where they can, in the words of author David Epstein in his book, Range: “Eventual elites play a variety of sports, mostly in unstructured or lightly structured environments (think backyard pickup games). They learn. They develop. They gain a range of skills. In the process, they discover not just what they're really good at ... but also what they really like. Then they focus. Then they dedicate. Then they pursue excellence.” For other resources on this topic, go to Dr. Jordan’s website at www.drtimjordan.com
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Why is my Daughter so Lonely? Apr 13, 2023

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Show Notes: Learn the many reasons why girls may feel lonely & disconnected, including friendship drama & social media Dr. Jordan shows mental health stats of college women, including large numbers who feel very lonely and isolated. You will also hear stats about the high level of loneliness and disconnection amongst today’s adults. Dr. Jordan describes the many reasons behind girls feeling lonely learned from working with girls in his counseling practice, retreats, summer camps (Camp Weloki For Girls), and school program (Strong Girls, Strong World). Friendship drama, exclusion, and the resulting negative spiral of beliefs The difficulty some girls have in finding like-minded peers who get them and connect with their interests Living with distracted parents and divorced parents Old souls who have a hard time finding peers who match their level of maturity and depth The feelings overwhelm many girls experience from stuffing their emotions The lack of safe spaces girls experience where they are free to be authentic, vulnerable, and real Learn what the best group cultures do to bring safety, trust, and closeness to their organization, team, or group Dr. Jordan describes the effects of electronic devices and social media on our ability to feel safe, process other’s emotions and intentions, develop empathy and compassion for others, and our ability to develop intimacy and closeness with others Resources: 2 books by Sherry Turkle: Alone Together; Reclaim Conversation The Culture Code by Daniel Coyle Smart Girls, Gifted Women by Barbara Kerr
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Teaching Girls How to Make Better Decisions Apr 06, 2023

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Show Notes: Author Dr. Sheila Ohlsson discusses her book, Wise Decisions, and how to teach girls how to make better choices The following are topics discussed with author Dr. Sheila Ohlsson: How to reframe old negative beliefs that become girl’s harmful inner voice How girls can create their own end in mind, or per Dr. Ohlsson, their Y.O.D.A. your own decision advisor, to help direct their decision-making How to access and trust their inner voices: cultivate quiet time, tune into their body symptoms and their gut and urges and their heart to know what’s right for them How girls can use their end in mind as a north star to avoid being overwhelmed by having so many choices to sift through about colleges, majors, and careers How to trust that finding their purpose is a process and that their life will unfold naturally if they follow their intuition and end in mind For more information about Dr. Ohlsson and her book, Wise Decisions: a science-based approach to making better choices, check out her website at www.sheilaohlssonwalker.com
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Prom Night: A Dad's Advice to his Daughter Mar 30, 2023

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Show Notes: Teach your daughter how to be aware of & trust her gut alarms & what blunts them, set firm boundaries, create criteria for sexuality before dating, & how to find non-sexual ways to experience intimacy. In a fictional letter to his daughter, a dad imparts some wisdom to help her take care of herself on prom night. This advice includes: Don’t buy into the cultural myth that prom is a coming-of-age party where it’s expected that you get wasted and have sex. Make your own decisions. How to find non-sexual ways to experience intimacy. How to become aware of and trust your internal alarms, i.e., your gut intuition. Become aware of what might blunt your alarm: alcohol and drugs, desperately needing a boyfriend or wanting him to like you, worrying that you’re being lame, allowing self-doubts to confuse you, or low self-esteem. How to set clear, firm boundaries The importance of making a list of your criteria for a dating relationship, including sexual behavior. Creating your own standards while quiet and clear-headed is a much better proposition than trying to make good decisions in the heat of the moment. I love you but what’s more important than that is, do YOU love you? You will take care of yourself in direct proportion to what you feel you deserve. For some more wisdom that girls need to navigate their adolescence, read Dr. Jordan’s book, Letters From My Grandfather: Timeless Wisdom For a Life Worth Living
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Follow the Yellow Brick Road: What Dorothy Can Teach Teen Girls Mar 23, 2023

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Show Notes: Dorothy’s heroine’s journey illustrates how girls must face their fears and overcome adversities in order to gain the strength and resources to face the adult world. Dr. Jordan briefly describes the heroine’s journey that all girls must embark on in order to grow into strong, courageous adults. Dr. Jordan’s Heroine’s journey podcast 8-5-21 Using many examples from the movie, Dr. Jordan brings out different aspects of girl’s growth towards adulthood as shown metaphorically in the movie including: -How facing your fears and just showing up is a huge piece of the journey -How girls must overcome challenges and embrace all parts of herself as exemplified by the scarecrow (intellect, intuition, and street smarts), the tin man (compassion, service), lion (courage, facing and overcoming fears), Glinda (spirituality), and the wizard (Inner knowing). -How we all already possess what we often desire the most Dr. Jordan also notes that women are the primary power holders in the movie: Miss Gulch, Glinda, the wicked witch of the west By movie’s end, Dorothy has pulled back the curtain to see things as they really are, accumulated the wisdom to create her heart’s desire, and is ready to meet the world as an adult. Parent’s role in their daughter’s heroine’s journey: Help girls understand, be aware of their heroine’s journey, normalize the uncertainty and anxiety around touch points; it’s okay to struggle and face uncertainty and be faced with adversities and challenges, they will need mentors besides their parents, the need for quiet alone time to reflect, process thru and integrate experiences Parents need to share their stories so daughters know that they too can get thru the challenges of the journey, and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel; teach the self-compassion piece about universal experience that past people have gotten thru this journey so you will too. For more info on how to support your daughter along their heroine’s journey, read Dr. Jordan’s book, Sleeping Beauties, Awakened Women: Guiding the Transformation of Adolescent Girls
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The Danger With Stranger Danger Mar 16, 2023

Show notes

Show Notes: Overblown parental fears regarding stranger danger adds undo anxiety to children and zaps their confidence. Every generation has offered things for parents to worry about including: abductions, teen predators, cyberbullying, online predators, Aids, STDs, teen pregnancy, social media, war of drugs, and vaping. Kids have learned that the need a phone to feel safe and to have constant connection with their parents up to and thru the college years. After 9-11, parents vowed to never let their kids be disconnected from them. Dr. Jordan describes the lessons past generations of kids learned by being out on the streets and in the woods without adult supervision. Debunking stranger danger: Far more kids are seriously injured and killed by family members than by strangers Majority of missing kids are runaways fleeing from physical or emotionally abusive parents; most of the rest are kids kicked out by parents or abducted by estranged parents There are on average around 150-350 kids abducted by a non-family member in the US each year. With about 65 million kids, in the US, that means that .001% of children are abducted Milk cartons, posters, billboards, TV news 24-7, mass finger printing, school shootings, armed police guards and locked schools and drills; kids are bombarded with messages that today’s world is a scary and dangerous place and kidnappings happen all the time Our perception of danger has increased, not the actual level of risk. Research stats don’t validate that the world is less safe today & that every child is in eminent danger for becoming a victim. Educating kids: Can educate without causing them to believe the world is scary and dangerous place. Parents need to be mindful of not projecting their fears onto their children and overloading them. Do not allow the media and culture to cause you to parent out of fear or live in fear. Links to articles about how to protect kids, prepare kids, and educate kids about taking care of themselves at different ages: 7 ways to prevent abductions: www.investigations.com Preventing child abduction: division of criminal justice services Safety tips: Show Notes: Overblown parental fears regarding stranger danger adds undo anxiety to children and zaps their confidence. Every generation has offered things for parents to worry about including: abductions, teen predators, cyberbullying, online predators, Aids, STDs, teen pregnancy, social media, war of drugs, and vaping. Kids have learned that the need a phone to feel safe and to have constant connection with their parents up to and thru the college years. After 9-11, parents vowed to never let their kids be disconnected from them. Dr. Jordan describes the lessons past generations of kids learned by being out on the streets and in the woods without adult supervision. Debunking stranger danger: Far more kids are seriously injured and killed by family members than by strangers Majority of missing kids are runaways fleeing from physical or emotionally abusive parents; most of the rest are kids kicked out by parents or abducted by estranged parents There are on average around 150-350 kids abducted by a non-family member in the US each year. With about 65 million kids, in the US, that means that .001% of children are abducted Milk cartons, posters, billboards, TV news 24-7, mass finger printing, school shootings, armed police guards and locked schools and drills; kids are bombarded with messages that today’s world is a scary and dangerous place and kidnappings happen all the time Our perception of danger has increased, not the actual level of risk. Research stats don’t validate that the world is less safe today & that every child is in eminent danger for becoming a victim. Educating kids: Can educate without causing them to believe the world is scary and dangerous place. Parents need to be mindful of not projecting their fears onto their children and overloading them. Do not allow the media and culture to cause you to parent out of fear or live in fear. Links to articles about how to protect kids, prepare kids, and educate kids about taking care of themselves at different ages: 7 ways to prevent abductions: www.investigations.com Preventing child abduction: division of criminal justice services Safety tips:
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How Might You Be Causing Your Daughter's Anxiety? Mar 09, 2023

Show notes

Show Notes: Listen in and learn some ways that parents may be contributing to or causing their daughter’s anxiety. Ways that parents cause anxiety in their children: Kids reflect the adults around them: kids may mirror their parent’s anxieties and worries. This is especially true for parents who have an untreated anxiety disorder Kids may respond to traumatic experiences like child abuse or parent’s fighting or domestic violence by becoming anxious. These kinds of experiences may cause their amygdala to be overly sensitive to experiences that then more easily trigger anxiety. The concept of ghosts in the nursery and the vulnerable child syndrome was the topic of an old podcast of mine on 3-24-22, so review that for more info on this phenomenon. Being overly cautious and constantly warning kids about potential dangers Focusing on achievement more than character can cause increased anxiety in children. An excessive pressure to excel is described also as a cause of anxiety in kids. Don’t mine for pain! What can parents do? Dr. Jordan describes several ways parents can avoid the above issues that cause and contribute to children’s anxiety. Listen, get in their shoes & empathize, stay kind but don’t join their emotions. My past podcast interview with author Meg Jay on adversities kids face: 6-23-21
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Why Young Adults Don't Want to Grow Up Mar 02, 2023

Show notes

Show Notes: Listen to 4 young adults candidly explain their fears about growing up and settling like their parent’s generation. Dr. Jordan presents data showing how the life path of young adults today is so much different than in previous generations. Learn about a new stage in their life span called emerging adulthood and how it impacts their mental health and plans. Dr. Jordan also presents data revealing the increased levels of anxiety, depression, and loneliness in millennials as well as the dissatisfaction many adults feel in their careers. The four young women then discuss the following questions about their fears of growing up: What does growing up mean to you? What are your fears about growing up and where do you think they come from? Do you get overwhelmed with all the choices & opportunities presented to you? Talk about your fear of how making one wrong choice or decision will derail your whole life and the stress and anxiety that comes from this worry. What is effect of watching your parent’s lives, marriages, careers? Discuss your fears about settling with your life, career, and marriage.
For more good insight into how young adults feel about growing into adulthood, have your daughter and you read Dr. Jordan’s book, Letters from My Grandfather: Timeless Wisdom for a Life Worth Living 2 other good reads on this topic of preparing for adulthood: The Defining Decade by meg Jay; also listen to Dr. Jordan’s podcast interview with Meg Jay about her book Finding Your Element by Ken Robinson
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Are School Dress Codes Sexist and Damaging to Girls? Feb 23, 2023

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Show Notes: Topics discussed in this podcast: Should girls be allowed to wear sexy outfits to school? Dances? Going to parties? How are school dress codes damaging to girls? What can parents do to support their daughters with this issue? Old beliefs drive decisions about dress codes: that the female body is inherently tempting and leads to sin, so cover it! School dress codes tend to target girls more than boys; inherent message that girls and women can’t be trusted to dress themselves properly, so we have to mandate laws & dress codes to stop them from tempting boys and men Message dress code and violations gives to boys: The idea that they cannot control themselves in the presence of girls and women who look a certain way implies that they are no more than animals with no self-control Dr. Jordan shares insights about what girls say about why they dress the ways that they do. Self-expression plays a crucial role in identity development and one major form of this expression is through one’s clothing. “Fashion and clothing are used to create and reveal a cultural, social, and personal identity. Part of their identity is embodied by clothing and fashion. Effects of dress codes on girls: studies found that 83% of students cited for dress code violations were girls. Study findings also demonstrated how the methods of school dress code enforcement promote a sexually objectifying environment in which girls feel physically and psychologically unsafe. Also, the findings of this study revealed that girls experience body shame, self-objectification, and powerlessness through dress code enforcement and sex education in school. Sexism is rampant in the writing and implementation of school dress codes, as the words used are targeted towards girls and women according to a study of 481 public schools surveyed. Studies show that increased anxiety, depression, and aggression results from this kind of discipline Prohibited clothing items: strapless top, spaghetti straps, halter top, low neckline, short dresses, pajamas, sheer clothing, short skirt, narrow straps, leggings, tight clothing, crop top, backless shirt, fishnet clothing, visible bra straps, holes above thighs, sleeveless shirt, frayed clothes, cutoff shorts, backless dress, off shoulder shirt, spandex clothing, no underwear, holes above knees, swimwear, pants with holes, visible underwear, short shorts According to the same survey, the words “distracting” and “disruptive” appeared in 76% of dress codes, suggesting that the exposure of certain body parts, such as the midriff, interferes with learning Dress codes today put the onus on the wearer, not their peers, to dress and act a particular way. But the notion that girls are responsible for boys being respectful, which dress codes enforce, can be a damaging precedent to set. it can also send the message that girls are automatically at fault when boys are not respectful; “It’s my responsibility to make sure the boys’ thoughts are not unclean.” So, what’s a parent to do? Dr. Jordan offers many suggestions about how parents can use dress codes to create open dialogue about clothing, responsibility, objectification, and sexism. Links to good articles on this topic: Dress code effects on girls: Dress codes sexualize women: Why dress codes are unhealthy:
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Girls Need More Risk and Adventures Feb 16, 2023

Show notes

Show Notes: Can we please find better alternatives then the military for young adults to experience risk, adventure, mission, and purpose? Dr. Jordan was inspired to do this podcast after reading three books: Pat Tillman: Where Men Win Glory; Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer; a soon to be published book from his friend Ginny Luther about her son Bart’s military experience Pat Tillman was an active, intense, rambunctious kid who loved roughhousing, being loud, taking risks, and was constantly in trouble for his behaviors. He walked away from a multimillion-dollar contract with the Arizona Cardinals NFL football team to join the army after the 9/11 attack, becoming an icon on post-9/11 patriotism. The fact that Pat believed the Iraq war to be illegal and about false reports of weapons of mass destruction did not prevent him from wanting desperately to get into the fight, face the enemy fire alongside his comrades, to prove himself in battle, and become a part of a rarefied warrior culture. Like many young men, he had aspired to engage in mortal combat since being a little boy, itching to confront the enemy firsthand and prove themselves under fire. Sadly, two years into his service he was killed in action from bullets from his own troops, unleashing a government coverup. Jon Krakauer joined an expedition to climb the summit of Mt. Everest, despite the large number of fatalities of past climbers. Much of his motivation for the climb came from his belief that achieving the summit of a mountain was tangible, immutable, concrete; the incumbent hazards lent the activity a seriousness of purpose that was sorely missing from the rest of his life; “I thrilled in the fresh perspective that came from tipping the ordinary plane of existence on end.” Another climber, John Taske, wrote that, “When I left the military, I sort of lost my way. I discovered I couldn’t really speak to civilians; my marriage fell apart. But when I started to climb, the sport provided most of what had been missing for me in civilian life, the challenge, the camaraderie, the sense of mission.” Dr. Jordan describes the temperament of many natural born risktakers: independent-minded, intense, risk-takers, physical, restless, active, love the outdoors. These kids are often described as: hyperactive, wild, can’t sit still, out-of-control, impulsive, ODD, not listen, don’t like to be told no, want things their way, intense, stubborn, willful, like a wild colt kicking against the slats of their corral. This podcast shares stories of people who fit this description who ended up as incredible, successful, trailblazing adults, including Elizabeth Blackburn, the 1st woman to be president of Salk Institute; Loretta Lynch, the 1st African-American woman to become US attorney general, as well as his two sons and one of his female campers who created adventures for themselves. Dr. Jordan asks that we look for opportunities for our kids to take risks, have adventures, and make their own path. He describes several programs such as Teach for America, Peace Corp, Well Aware clean water not-for-profit (http://wellawareworld.org/join), listen to an interview with the founder of this NFP Sarah Evans on Dr. Jordan’s podcast from 8-18-22, and Woofing ( www.wwoof.net ) There are other, better alternatives then the military for young adults to experience risk, adventure, mission, and purpose; help kids find them and start as a culture valuing these experiences and people.
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