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Differences in Sexual Desire: A Checklist for Your Marriage Dec 31, 2014

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Sometimes after a long day, you just want to climb in bed and go to sleep… but your spouse has other ideas! Differences in sexual desire are very normal. Usually, there is one high desire and one low desire spouse in a marriage – sometimes desires are equal, but not very often. Normally, the husband is a high desire and the wife low desire, but there is nothing wrong if it’s the other way around! We want you to be aware of how these differences in desire can affect your marriage. On a side note before we start; we are making the assumption that the difference in desire is NOT due to one or both spouses engaging in sexual activity outside of marriage, whether that’s masturbating to porn, or having an affair, and so on. Those are issues that need to be dealt with, but outside the scope of today’s post. Gender Matters Research indicates that men generally want sex more often than women and that they rate their own sex drive higher than women rate theirs. On an interesting note, men and women respond to initiations equally. The man just feels rejected more often because he initiates more. So some of the difference between genders is simply about perception. Byers and Heinlein (1989), who performed the research above, also found that individuals with greater sexual satisfaction responded more positively to initiations. In other words, having higher quality sex leads to greater desire and arousability. Here are five points that we want you to consider with regards to any differences in sexual desire in your marriage: 1. How is the quality of your relationship? The amount of emotional intimacy going on in your relationship is a critical component, especially for the low desire spouse, as physical intimacy is an extension of emotional intimacy. Are you really connecting at that “heart” level? Another thing we need to distinguish between is desire and arousability. Just because you don’t initiate a lot doesn’t mean you are not interested in sex. The ability to be fully sexually engaged can be just as strong in both spouses. The low desire spouse needs to allow himself or herself to be aroused and the higher desire spouse needs to realize that a rejection is not a personal slight. A person may want sex because they are feeling close, but the inverse is also true. They can want to be close by having sex. As long as this “want” is coming from a place of fullness (think, overflow of the heart) rather than a place of neediness (to calm anxiety about the relationship), it is a healthy thing. 2. How is the quality of your sex? Good sex leads to more sex. Are you sexually competent and skillful? Some of us were raised in a faith background that continually told us, “sex is bad”. Then we get married, and it’s hard to switch into “sex is good” mode! We need to develop sexual competence – male and female! Have you had a real orgasm? What does it look like? How do you know if you’ve had one? It’s easier with men, but what does it take to bring her to orgasm? Make sure your sex is not a goal-oriented event. His or her release is not the goal – closeness and intimacy is! Neither spouse should feel used. How you speak of your sex is also important. Don’t be critical of your spouse or your sex before, during or after the event. What do you think about sex? Do you believe it is good? Has one spouse been abused or suffered sexual trauma? All these beliefs affect the quality of our sex. And the last thing to think about with regards to the quality of sex is your beliefs about your own sexiness. In a Christian marriage done right, the only place you are sexy and seductive is within your marriage. We need to learn to allow ourselves to see ourselves as sexy in that context. 3. How is your health? Self-care is so important. Good general health is as important as good sexual functioning. Also critical is positive sexual self-esteem. It will be extremely difficult to undress if you believe your body is ugly or that you don’t have the skills to please your spouse. If things are not working, mechanically, there is help out there. There are disorders of both desire and arousal and there are qualified sex therapists that can help you work through both types of issues. Seek help and enjoy full sexual arousal rather than suffer in silence or miss out on this incredibly rich gift that God has given to marriage. 4. What role does gender play? We already spoke about how gender matters and some of the differences between men and woman. Think about desire over the human lifespan. In the short term, men are always ready to have sex. Yet, the more sex he has, the less he will push for it because he is more satisfied. In the long term of a man’s lifespan, his sexual desire fades and gradually decreases in later years. On the other hand, a woman’s sexual desire in the short term is connected to her monthly cycle. Yet, in the long term, her sexual desire peaks in her 40-50’s and then slows down later on. Another difference between genders – the more a wife has quality sex, the more she wants it. (Here’s a hint for men – if you want more sex, increase the quality and pleasure for your wife!) 5. What else is going on? Life happens. The season of life you are in will greatly impact the level of sexual desire in a relationship. If there are babies in the house and one or both of you are up half the night, sex will be low on the priority list. Sleep will be higher! If you are caring for aging parents in the home, it may be draining energy that you might have once saved up for your spouse. We need to show ourselves—and each other—mercy during this phase of life. Research also shows that if a wife has a full-time job, the number of sexual initiations in the marriage is lower. This calls for us to be realistic and reasonable about matching our expectations with the season of life that we are in. So yes, there are differences in sexual desire. Go through the five points as a couple and talk about the impact any might be having in your marriage today. We want to wish you a wonderful new year, full of warm love, hot sex and romantic moments! Image courtesy of Randal Cooper under the Creative Commons license.

How Jesus Almost Grew Up With A Single Mom Dec 24, 2014

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Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy and cheer with everybody bubbling over with joy. Sometimes it is, but sometimes it just plain hurts. It’s the time of year when there is so much stress and tension. Maybe you’re alone this year, and there is a lot of grief and pain involved. No matter what we’re going through, God has a story of redemption for our lives. Let’s start with the Christmas Story from Matthew 1:18-25 Now the birth of Jesus Christ took place in this way. When his mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child from the Holy Spirit. And her husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly. But as he considered these things, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take Mary as your wife, for that which is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.” All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet: “Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel” (which means, God with us). When Joseph woke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him: he took his wife, but knew her not until she had given birth to a son. And he called his name Jesus. Let’s sympathize with Joseph for a few minutes here. He was engaged to be married to Mary, whom he thought was a virgin. Instead, he finds out she is pregnant and he knows the baby is not his. What would you have done? What do you do when your spouse lets you down? I think our natural inclination and the first response is like his: walk away. He made that decision (resolved) but then thought it over. That’s where God steps in and says “Do not fear to take Mary as your wife.” The whole story of redemption begins with redemption in the story of Joseph and Mary’s marriage. I don’t know what you’ve gone through this year in your marriage. Maybe your marriage is awesome and part of why it’s awesome is because you do things to enrich it like listening to marriage podcasts. On the other hand, maybe 2014 will be a year that you remember where some really hard things happened in your marriage. We just finished a four-part series on fighting – fighting sucks. It’s painful. Sometimes it’s prompted by disappointment, like the disappointment Joseph felt when he initially found out Mary was pregnant. Some of those disappointments can be severe. I want to encourage all of us – because we all let our spouse down, and get let down by our spouses – to look for the story of redemption that God is writing into our lives. God is calling us to be leading characters in that story. It’s his story, but it’s our role to join in and engage rather than to walk away, push back or abandon the story entirely. There are some that are reading this, and this Christmas is especially painful for you because you are ready to engage in that story of redemption but your spouse isn’t. In fact, you may be facing your very first Christmas alone. Our hearts go out to you. That’s hard. It’s sad, and we know it must be a very lonely experience. But that’s where I want you to be encouraged! Step back from the story of redemption you wish was being written into the larger story of redemption that is always being written in and through the power of Jesus Christ. Our little kingdoms can be in chaos. But God’s big kingdom is always ruled by a benevolent, loving God who was willing to go through his own loss, grief, and sorrow in the giving of His Son to this world so that we could take him, crucify him, and put him away. Right, when that story seemed like it was no longer being written, the angels that appear here to Joseph appear again to another two Mary’s in Matthew 28 – it’s an angel of resurrection. Listen, I don’t know how your story is going to be written, or how my story is going to be written. I would like to be able to promise you hope for your marriage and to promise you that a day of redemption for your marriage is coming. But I can’t honestly do that. We don’t know how our personal stories end, yet. However, I can tell you how God’s story of redemption ends. It’s a perfect ending. I can promise you that it ends well! God’s plan for your life as a child of God ends with perfect, complete redemption in an unbreakable, secure, eternal relationship with a God of love, peace, and joy. So, wherever you’re at in your journey, and whatever chapter was written in the story of your life this year, we want to compel you to stop and consider the Savior. When we have Him, we can truly have a Merry Christmas! God bless you all, and have a very Merry Christmas! Image courtesy of gwynydd michael under the Creative Commons license.

How To Repair After A Fight Dec 17, 2014

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After a fight, you basically have four options: you can exit the relationship, you can be patient and loyal by waiting for your spouse to change, you can neglect your spouse, or you can repair. (Branau-Browna & Ragsdale, 2008) We’ve discussed fighting in the last few topics: why fighting for your marriage is good, different fighting styles couples use, and basic ground rules for use in a fight. This last topic in our series, about how to repair after a fight, is definitely the most important of these four topics! Really, thinking that the repair comes after the fight isn’t really accurate. To set your marriage up for success, repair also needs to come before and during a fight! Before Start with way before! Stafford and Canary (1991) list five factors that gauge the quality of a relationship and that you want to make sure are in your marriage long before a disagreement occurs. Positivity – create a positive atmosphere for communication. Openness – practice the habit of being open and honest with each other. Don’t put up walls. Assurances – use statements designed to reassure your spouse of the well-being of the relationship (like “I’ll love you forever”, “I will never leave you”). Task Sharing – share the daily work-related for a family and home. Support Network – involve family and friends in the relationship (not someone you’ll go complaining to your spouse about, but someone who will support and help you both through whatever comes) We want to challenge you to be strategic on the long term, visionary sort of basis! Build these qualities into your marriage and set yourself up for success before a conflict is even on the table. As another researcher says, “the quality of the friendship between husband and wife” predicts whether repair attempts will work. Foster that friendship multiple times daily! During In 2010, Driver et al found that “all couples attempt to repair during conflict.” It’s a natural thing to do, but what we need to learn is to initiate repairs sooner and more often, and recognize and accept when our spouse is offering them! During a fight, down-regulate your negative emotion or try to dial down how upset you are! This does not mean you may not be upset; you just need to contain it for a reasonable amount of time. When you are stuck in negativity or dish it right back when you receive it from your spouse, you get into the zone where relationship damage occurs. Bloch, Haase and Leveson (2014) found that down-regulating was directly correlated to marital satisfaction over the long term. They reported that when you’re in a place of prolonged negativity and high emotionality you can’t understand each other, you can’t respond well to your spouse’s repair efforts and you are not going to get to collaborative problem-solving. Try to calm yourself down when you’re feeling flooded with emotions and know that you’re getting negative. To do this, stop and take a few deep breaths - in through your nose, out through your mouth. To ground yourself back to reality, try running your hands down the side of your pant leg, or along the arm of your chair. Pay close attention to the feel of the fabric under your fingertips. These actions will remove you far enough from the overwhelming emotions so that you can think more clearly. To attempt repair during the conflict, try some of the following tips: Take a break (“I need some time to calm down”) Use humor when appropriate (very powerful) Reaffirm the security of the relationship (verbally or physically [reach out]) Validate your spouse’s position (You might be right) Offer a compliment Remember, if you don’t have the previous mojo of positivity, there may be a backlash against repair attempts during a fight. Repairing before the fight is so important! After Apologizing, offering forgiveness, reconciling with each other and showing affection are a few things you can do to “make up” after a conflict. But really, this is very little literature on repair after a fight. The time to repair is before and during the conflict. So, don’t get the idea what you can go at it like wildcats and then apply a few band-aids at the end to jump back into marital bliss! Focus on creating positivity in your marriage, building a solid friendship, and then in the conflict, looking for ways to repair.

Ground Rules For A Good Fight Dec 10, 2014

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Most of us have the wrong idea about conflict in marriage. We fear the conflict could lead to the disintegration of our marriage. That’s a reasonable fear, in many ways. But we paint with too broad a brush. You see, it’s not the conflict itself that puts the marriage at risk but rather the behaviours within the conflict. If you’re just jumping into this series, this episode and show notes are the third in a series of 4 on fighting in marriage. In the first show, we talked about why fighting is good for your marriage. Then we went over fighting styles in the second episode: some work and some do not! You want to be sure to have a style that isn’t destroying your marriage. In today’s episode, we’re interested in the actual behaviors that we engage in while we fight because those can take a marriage down over time too. Long Term Ground Rules for Fighting We need to have a long view of marriage. Conflict is inevitable and so it is going to come again and again. But did you know that there are behaviors you can engage in that will strangle your affection and love over time? They are: Exploding and getting out of control Just giving in to your spouse on the issue – every time Withdrawing during conflict: shutting down and refusing to talk These three behaviors were identified by Hanzal and Segrin (2009) as being particularly dysfunctional over the long term. They will wear down your spouse, leaving him or her less and less able to deal with them over time. Wives are particularly sensitive to this. You see, husbands react more to in-the-moment behaviors. They get stressed but then they calm down. Wives in conflict develop a stress load that just builds and builds. They carry their marital conflict history with them and then begin to get charged up more quickly facing future discussions. So being explosive, or just caving in every time, or withdrawing are all ways to alienate your spouse. Why? Because there is no actual resolution to the issue that prompted the conflict. The long term ground rules that you and your spouse agree on should include a commitment to keeping one’s self under control during conflict as well as being dedicated to seeing an issue through to resolution. Behave Yourself! There are three categories of behavior that occur during fighting, and I came across an article from the Journal of Marriage & Family (October 2010) that explained them nicely: Destructive: include overtly negative reactions to marital problems such as yelling, insults, criticism, belligerence, and contempt. Constructive: involve overtly positive reactions such as saying nice things, calmly discussing the problem and actively listening. Withdrawal: entail disengaging from the conflict or person and may include things like leaving the situation entirely or just checking out by keeping quiet. On the positive side, constructive behaviors actually lead to spouses feeling better and more satisfied with the marriage. On the other hand, destructive behaviors in both newlyweds and longer married couples predicted divorce up to seven years later. “Predicted” is a keyword there: it means that an increased presence of the destructive behaviors showed a higher probability of divorce. Withdrawal behaviors were no better (research from Gottman and colleagues). Here’s the takeaway: marital conflict, or fighting, is not the problem. Bad behavior while fighting is. The Bottom Line on Fighting There’s probably nobody alive today who has studied marital conflict more than Dr. John Gottman. He summarizes all his extensive research on successful and unsuccessful marriages in one simple sentence: ”Skills based on gentleness work best to produce happy and lasting relationships”. Simple enough? In the words of wise King Solomon, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Whether you take thousands of hours of research or a proverb written over 3,000 years ago you have the same truth. The one key that makes all the difference regardless of how long your fights last, what you fight about or what your fights look like: Be gentle. Image courtesy of smile_kerry under the Creative Commons license.

Why Fighting is Good For Your Marriage Nov 26, 2014

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Fighting is something I am passionate about. Probably because I was so bad at it when we first got married… I would get mad and come across as hostile, crying and flinging words that I didn’t always even mean. Caleb would try to apologize, calm me down and say whatever it took to get himself out of the situation. And what did the fighting accomplish? Nothing! The issues never got resolved. Enter Caleb’s grad school where he learned how to teach others to fight. Thankfully, he taught himself and his wife a few skills too, and our fights look much different today. In fact, we can even vocalize the hard truth that needs to be stated without the other spouse getting hurt. I love the fact that we can actually resolve issues now – get them dealt with and out of the way, rather than have them resurface time and time again. Caleb and I are firm believers that fighting is indeed good for your marriage! But, something that we need to make clear from the start is that the fighting that we’re talking about that actually deepens intimacy in romantic relationships is ‘well-handled’ conflict. ‘Poorly-handled’ conflict, on the other hand, has negative implications for the relationship. First, let’s rule out the bad stuff that is not good for your marriage. This includes hostility, anger, physical or verbal aggression, threat, and personal insult, yelling, insults, criticism, belligerence, and contempt. These are not acceptable and do not resolve anything in marriage. If used, they may shut the argument down for a short time, but the issues have not been dealt with and will definitely arise again in the future. However, we’re not here to discuss the negative so much as the positive aspect of fighting. The following facts about why fighting is good for your marriage are summarized from the research of Gottman, Satir, Siegert and Stamp. The goods on fighting: #1: It helps you to learn about each other. #2: It builds cohesion and commitment. #3: Dealing with stuff is better than ignoring stuff. #4: It is a catalyst for personal growth when you’re forced to confront your own humanity. #5: It’s a catalyst for spiritual growth. You have to enact the gospel in your life so faced with sin and brokenness; we have to deal with grace, forgiveness, redemption, reconciliation, mercy, and altruism. In the next three episodes in our mini-series about fighting, we’ll describe different fighting styles, some ground rules in handling conflict well, and how to repair after a fight. For now, know that if you have conflict in your marriage, you are normal! We always seem to want to know though, “How normal are we? Do other couples fight about the same things that we do?” Well, here’s a list for you from Dr. Gottman. He says that couples fight most about communication, finances, children, sex, housework, jealousy, and in-laws. Sound familiar? To end, I want to give you a tip that you can start today, that will build good mojo into your marriage and help it survive the fights that do come up. It can be summed up with the words turn toward your spouse. Turn toward each other for emotional connection. Do things that deepen emotional intimacy. Get inside each other and become students of each other. Court each other, romance each other, nurture and nourish each other. Work at having great sex, at playfulness, fun, and adventure. Let’s rearrange the words in the title for a moment. Instead of “Why Fighting is Good For Your Marriage”, think “Why Fighting For Your Marriage Is Good”! When you turn toward your spouse and build that positive connection, you are fighting for your marriage. And I am passionate about fighting for my marriage! Image courtesy of Ed Yourdon under the Creative Commons license.

3 Ways To Make Your Marriage Happier Today! Nov 19, 2014

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Ahhhh, marital bliss! Socrates himself apparently once said, “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” We joke and we laugh about terrible wives and worse husbands. The truth of the matter is, unless we invest in our marriages, we will never have a deep, intimate, rewarding relationship with our spouse. So today's post is nice and simple (even if it gets a little deep at times)! We give you three things you can do to make your marriage happier. #1 – Be Willing to Change Your Beliefs I questioned Caleb on this one as I’d always been taught to “buy the truth and sell it not”. How would it make my marriage happier to sell that truth!?! He informed him, however, that it did NOT mean changing my spiritual beliefs but about being willing to change what I think makes the perfect marriage. We head into marriage making a covenant based on the assumption that nothing is going to change. But we DO change, and we need to roll with that and always be thinking about how we can bring our best to our marriage. To quote Karney, from a study done in 2003, “Couples who stay happiest overall are the ones who change their beliefs about what is important in their relationships.” For example, when we first married, I loved Caleb’s spontaneity and adventure. Now that we have kids, however, I appreciate the stability that Caleb gives our family. The marriages that stay happy by shifting beliefs decide “that whatever aspects of the marriage have declined must not be so important after all”. If I still clung to the fact that spontaneity and adventure were essential for happiness in my marriage, I would look at Caleb’s shortcomings and grow resentful. So, we need to be willing to change our beliefs about what is important in our marriage. #2 – Positivity is the Fuel for Happiness A bunch of researchers published a study in 1998 in the Journal of Family Violence, comparing the perceptions of marital positivity between healthy couples, distressed couples, and distressed and aggressive couples. They found that happily married spouses engage in more frequent and special types of pleasurable communication. They also found that happily married spouses engage in higher quality spousal-specific caring gestures. What lessons can we learn from these findings? Be deliberate about vocalizing positive thoughts towards your spouse – that’s going to increase marital happiness. As it says in Proverbs 17:22, A joyful heart is good medicine! Philippians 4:8 reminds us to think on what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, and worthy of praise. Also, stop to think about what specific actions, gestures or things you can do that show you care. Gratitude is so important in marriage. A study from 2011 (Personality and Individual Differences) found that more gratitude equals more marital satisfaction. Not only that but my FELT gratitude is a predictor of YOUR satisfaction, but my EXPRESSED gratitude is not. It’s not good enough just to say something, you have to actually mean it! #3 – If You’re Going to Fight, Get in the Ring and Do It Properly. Sort of… Positive fighting has more to do with engagement. Research, published in 2009, found that if either spouse is disengaged during a conflict, especially in the early years of marriage, the couple ended up experiencing their marriage as less trusting and intimate and were more distressed in their marriage overall. As humans, we don’t like to fight (at least most of us don’t!). I think we kind of hold back or check out in the moment because we don’t want the fight to get out of control. While we don’t want fights to get out of control, this is NOT the right way to go about that. The research also found that conflict avoidance predicted greater marital distress. Are we scared of our anger, or our spouse’s anger? Perhaps we have a martyr complex and just tell ourselves to suck it up? Avoiding an issue will only further excavate a growing chasm between you. You may feel safe, but very alone. If something comes up that upsets us, we can’t just avoid it because we don’t want to fight. Conflict resolution is critical. So much, so that for the next few podcast episodes we are going to be tackling the subject of fighting in marriage and how to do it right. You won’t want to miss those episodes! We will teach you how to have healthy fights with happy outcomes. So, what can you do TODAY to make your marriage happier? Be willing to change your beliefs about the positive aspects of your marriage Use positivity and gratitude more often. Both think on it and verbalize it to communicate your pleasure and show that you care Make sure you fight properly. Avoiding is never a great strategy. (I’m having a chuckle here as it sounds like I’m telling you to go have a fight so you can be happier. That is not it at all! What I am trying to say is if a conflict does arise, deal with it respectfully rather than try to avoid it. More on that next week!) Image courtesy of Sam Stanton under the Creative Commons license.

Womanspeak Nov 12, 2014

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Ever have a conversation that goes something like this? Hubby: So are we all good then, honey? Wifey: Yup. Hubby: You’re sure. Wifey: Yes, I’m fine. Hubby: OK then. I’ll take your word for it… What Exactly Is Womanspeak? Womanspeak is saying something where the meaning is different from the intent of the words spoken. And yes, I know it’s not just a woman thing. Not all women do it, and men are just as capable of speaking this way, we just stereotypically assign this to women (hence the name!). Just for the record, I prefer to call it husband-hearing! I’ll give you a few examples of what I'm talking about– my word or phrase will be on the left and Caleb’s “interpretation” will be in brackets: Fine (means: totally not fine at all) You choose (means: you figure out the exact thing I secretly want to do) Whatever (means: I only care about this enough to hold your anxiety hostage for another three days) That’s ok (means: like you’re getting any sex for the next two weeks) Communication is a tricky thing because it can derail in a variety of ways. When we communicate, we send a signal that may or may not be clear. The person receiving the signal may not receive it with the intent with which it was sent. Sometimes we may not even know exactly what we intend to send. Or perhaps our verbal communication can be in conflict with our non-verbal. We may even use words with one meaning but our tone of voice carries another meaning. Here are a few more examples to illustrate the point: “Is it cold in here?” could actually mean, “Can you please go turn up the heat?” Or, “Hey baby, do you want to snuggle? wink wink”. Or think of the question, “Oh, are we having tuna casserole tonight?” That could mean: “I’m delighted because it’s my favorite!” Or, “Seriously, we’ve had that five nights in a row.” Or, “I don’t really care, I’m just curious.” Really, depending on the type of day I’ve had at home, I will hear that question totally differently. Why Do We Do It? To answer this question, we delved into the deeper reasons why we might not speak clearly. Perhaps we don’t want to be the stereotypical nagging wife constantly asking for stuff so only hint at things instead. Maybe (and this is something I know I struggle with) we have a fear of rejection. If I ask Caleb if he wants to peel the potatoes and he says no, that’s just his preference. But if I say, “Could you please peel the potatoes?” and he says no, that could feel like a personal rejection. What about having a fear of intimacy or vulnerability? It’s a lot easier to test the waters with a vague question than ask for something outright and risk rejection. It’s a lot easier too, to say “Do I look fat in this?” than to be vulnerable and say, “I’m feeling insecure about my body right now”. We’ve been over the HOW and WHY we use womanspeak, but after having witnessed it in our marriage and other marriages, I can say that it does not bring about the desired response. When you say one thing and mean another, it does not build intimacy. Here’s what you need to do in order to have healthy communication between you: How Can We Have Good Clear Communication? 1. Learn to state your wants or requests clearly. For example, if you want him to do something, don’t start with “Do you want to….” Instead try, “Could you please…” 2. Don’t lie! Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not, is a lie. Be truthful and say something like “I’m not sure how I feel right now but if you give me some time to calm down I’ll come back to you as soon as I’m clear myself”. 3. State your expectations before it matters. This one is hard to explain without an example, so rather than an explanation, I’ll go straight into the story. If I’m planning something on the weekend, I need to state my expectations to my husband early in the week so that we’re both clear on what’s happening. That will prevent the feeling of abandonment and resentment that may come after the fact if the expectations weren’t stated clearly ahead of time. 4. Understand your own subtler emotions and speak out of that place. This would turn the question, “Do I look fat in this?” into it’s the truer meaning of “I’m feeling kinda insecure about my weight right now.” 5. Use your manners. Why do we train our kids to use their manners and then forget them ourselves when we’re talking to the most important person in our life!?! Always remember your pleases and thank-yous! Our challenge to you wives is to say what you mean and mean what you say! Follow the five steps above for clear communication. To husbands, when you realize your wife is speaking out of a place of fear, step up to the plate with gentlemanly chivalry and speak to the underlying fear with reassurance and loving care. To both husbands and wives, call each other out whenever you hear “womanspeak”. Be respectful, obviously, and let it become a humorous moment for you both to enjoy. (Hint: throwing it up in their face or mocking them is NOT going to get you the results you want.) Image courtesy of Jorge Ferrer under the Creative Commons license.

Two Tips To Manage Your Defensiveness Nov 05, 2014

Show notes

Maybe you’re not like me. Maybe you don’t REACT to everything. Maybe you should be writing this post about defensiveness… In this week’s podcast episode, Caleb talked about defensiveness and how you can disarm your own defensiveness. I especially need to learn how to disarm my defensiveness, as I seem to react every single time to the slightest provocation! Why is it that I can react so strongly to the smallest thing? I think it’s because I like to be right and I hate being wrong. That’s just me, and I’m ok with that, but I’m not ok with the defensive overreacting! I was glad to hear that there is a part of defensiveness that is born out of our God-given instinct towards fight, flight or freeze. Defensiveness is the “fight” part of that. So maybe I’m not always overreacting – it’s a comforting thought to know that I can and will defend my loved ones when needed! However, defensiveness in marriage goes beyond that and can become problematic. It is deflecting blame back on your spouse and saying, “I’m not the problem; you are!” Caleb says the antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility for your own stuff. He makes it sound so simple… So I asked Caleb, why does being defensive NOT work in marriage? Because the more you defend yourself, the harsher your spouse has to be to get through to you. The thicker the concrete wall, the bigger the bomb needed to get through those walls. Being defensive sometimes is not going to wreck a marriage. However, Dr. Gottman talks about the four horses of the apocalypse: the four most destructive features in marriage and defensiveness is one of them. He says that when all four horses are present in a relationship his research shows there is more than an 80% probability that the marriage will fail unless corrective action is taken. I don’t know about you, but I want to eradicate any features in my marriage that will cause it to fail. Why do we get defensive? It could be that you or I have a fragile ego. Because we’re feeling fragile, we interpret our spouse’s disagreement with any of our ideas, choices or behaviors as a personal attack. “If you challenge my ideas, you are challenging me!” That’s about ego, hence the need to defend as if being attacked. We may get defensive to protect ourselves, but in actuality, it produces more conflict – more of what we don’t want! It may feel like we need years of therapy to get our fragile egos sorted, but here are two tips which can have an immediate impact in lessening our defensive reactions. Tip 1: Say, “You could be right.” That’s it. So easy. So simple. Yet it creates such a powerful mind shift. The next time you find yourself reacting to something said to you, and your instincts want to kick in to defend yourself, instead say, “You could be right.” That buys you some time to calm down without automatically going into fight mode! It keeps you open and lets you hear any genuinely constructive criticism that could be valid or actionable. Even if the only good in what your spouse is saying is in the intent and the content is not worded well AT ALL, by saying “You could be right” you lower your own emotional resistance. It gives your spouse influence, which in turn puts you in a powerful place. If you shut your spouse down (by getting defensive), they are most definitely going to shut you down. Then you’re in a crazy cycle you don’t want to be in! Tip 2: Bring in an imaginary third party. Ask the question, “How would you respond if someone said that…” Benjamin Franklin used this technique. It works very well if your spouse is being close-minded. It helps to keep us in a place of curiosity rather than having a knee jerk ‘fight’ reaction. For example, Jack comes home hungry and says to his wife, “I can’t believe you haven’t started dinner. I’m really hungry! You’re just sitting there relaxing, while I’m starving!” A typical (defensive) response that Jill might make would be something like, “You’ve got hands, why don’t you make dinner! Why do you expect me to be your slave!?” That conversation went nowhere but down the tube! Think about the direction the conversation could have gone if Jill had brought in an imaginary third party and answered something like this: “How would you respond if someone told you that I had a brutal day at work myself and was totally burnt out and discouraged when I got home?” That question gives the conversation a completely different tone, and if I was Jack I hope I would be like, “I’m sorry, baby, I totally got my hangry* on. I’ll grab us a snack and order in pizza.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not excusing Jack’s initial behavior, but the “third party” pointed out Jack’s bad attitude and caused a change in his tone and behavior without the wife having to mention it! A win-win situation for all involved! I’m still defensive. I’ll admit it. But it’s something that I am working on in my marriage because I want it to be thriving and passionate! (That and the fact that I have a husband who lovingly enjoys pointing out my defensiveness using his lovely sense of humor…) *hangry: angry because I’m hungry. Awesomest word ever! Thanks for that one, Ally!Image courtesy of Barry under the Creative Commons license.

Have You Tried The Miracle Question? Oct 29, 2014

Show notes

If you woke up tomorrow and a miracle happened so that you had a thriving, passionate marriage, what would you see differently? What would be the first signs that a miracle had occurred? Today, on our podcast, Caleb introduced me to the “miracle question” above – the lynch pin question in Solution Focused Therapy. You can ask this question about anything really. For example, “If you woke up tomorrow, and a miracle happened so that you no longer easily lost your temper, what would you see differently? What would the first signs be that the miracle occurred?” Basically, in asking this question, you are asking a person to create a small shift in their thinking by looking at the other side of their problem and then coming back through from that side. That sounds pretty complicated, but what I got from it was this: Sometimes I can find myself stuck on an issue and don’t know what to do with it. If I could envision what my life would look like without the problem, and then come back to the problem with that vision in my head, it can give me ideas of what I need to do next. It can also give me the motivation to become unstuck! Let me give you an example. It’s not a marriage example, but a housewife one. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed with my house. It may not be terrible, but not how I want to keep my house. When Caleb asks me the ‘miracle question’ and I envision what my house would look like if a miracle occurred (how come this type of miracle never actually happens!?!?!), and then come back to my problem (my messy house) from that direction, I can generally think of what I need to do next. The Long Version Caleb also gave a LONG version of the same question. You really should listen to the podcast episode to get the full effect but I will do my best to type it as he spoke it. Think, calm, quiet, relaxing, SLOW voice as you read this: “I am going to ask you a rather strange question. [pause] The strange question is this: [pause] After we talk, you will go back to your work (home, school) and you will do whatever you need to do the rest of today, such as taking care of the children, cooking dinner, watching TV, giving the children a bath, and so on. It will be time to go to bed. Everybody in your household is quiet, and you are sleeping in peace. In the middle of the night, a miracle happens and the problem we’re discussing right now is solved! But because this happens while you are sleeping, you have no way of knowing that there was an overnight miracle that solved the problem. [pause] So, when you wake up tomorrow morning, what might be the small change that will make you say to yourself, ‘Wow, something must have happened—the problem is gone!’”? Then you must wait, SILENTLY, for the answer. Let your spouse be creative and come up with an answer! What's the Point? Caleb and I finally discussed what the point of this question is. It’s definitely not a natural response in the middle of a problem that seems to have no solutions. So, what is the point? This question breaks you out of your box – your usual way of thinking. It takes big drama, inspires creativity, and helps your spouse see that there are steps they can take to start to shift their own circumstances. And it can be used anywhere: in marriage, at work, with your kids, with a girlfriend! But, you have to ask it well. You have to ask it slowly, and then wait, SILENTLY, for the answer. I have to admit when Caleb first starting talking about it, it sounded pretty “woo-woo” to me, but after thinking it through, it made a lot of sense. Now I can’t wait to try it on Caleb, but given that I’m married to a marriage therapist, he always seems to think of these things first! :) Give it a try the next time you and your spouse are at a stalemate! Image courtesy of Daniel under the Creative Commons license.

If You Really Loved Me, You Would… Oct 22, 2014

Show notes

Guilt is an effective motivator. It’s also a great way to make you an unbearable spouse. If you’ve ever had someone lay the, “If you really loved me you would…” guilt trip on you then you know exactly how that makes you feel. Loathing. Disgust. Nothing like, “I love you! I’d love to do that for you!” Motivating your spouse to change by using guilt may get you the short-term gains but it is going to cause long term pain. Why Do We Use Guilt on Our Spouse? It does work as a technique to help a powerless person in a relationship get his or her own way. But it is just not healthy when used to this end. It causes resentment and anger in marriages. It dampens a child’s sense of independence and self-control (Mandara & Pike, 2008) and can lead to depressive symptoms and low self-esteem (Leith & Baumeister, 2008). So while it does create leverage to obtain the outcome you want, it really is hard on your spouse and on your children. Often we do this because it was modeled for us in our family of origin. Or, we may do it because we genuinely do have less power in the relationship. Guilt is a way to even out the power imbalance. So I do want to call out all the control freaks here: if your spouse is guilting you, it may be because you aren’t sharing power with him or her in your marriage. So when you are getting guilted, just give yourself a real honest check-in to see if you’re provoking it. The Entitlement Twist One of my huge life-lessons when I first got married was understanding how selfish I was. I think we all bring some entitlement to the relationship. Because we’re in love I deserve or expect a lot from you. That can also come out in the language, “If you really loved me, you would…” The research shows when one spouse brings excessive entitlement to a marriage that there are some real nasties associated with this. Violence. Aggression. Higher divorce rates. And–surprise—selfishness! If You Really Loved Me, You Would Stop Guilting Me We reveal some key things to do to replace the guilt and entitlement during the episode. But for those of you that are reading this, here are a couple of key points to note. First, find a healthier way to express your needs. Try: “I would really like you to …, is there any way that can happen?” Second: learn gratitude. Really. If you bring an attitude of service to your marriage it will pay far greater dividends than an attitude of entitlement. Entitlement is a sin. Confess, repent, and serve. Image courtesy of Jason under the Creative Commons license.

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