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Triangles — How Trigonometry Impacts Your Marriage! Oct 15, 2014

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I found the topic of triangles in marriage to be fascinating. How often do I get my nose out of joint by something my husband does? And then try to get my support from someone else? THAT is creating a triangle! What Is A Triangle? Triangles are three-way relationships. Usually, this looks like mom-dad-child, or an unpopular variant: husband-wife-mistress. Sometimes the husband’s work can be his mistress… They usually consist of two close parties and one distant one. For example, Dad is angry and abusive (distant) so Mom and oldest daughter are close and allied against Dad. Or, husband and work are close and wife is distant. Why Do We Triangulate? On the positive side, because they help us relate and understand one another. When we’re not getting along with a parent, we can talk to our spouse. Triangles can also be used to relieve tension. In any 1 to 1 relationship, tensions grow. These tensions can be relieved by bringing in a third party but can also really increase problems. Look at it this way: couples that aren’t getting along can talk about their kids, their friends, work; anything but their own relationship. They can both be close to the issue at hand and be distant from each other. The ideal though would be for the couple to be close to each other and allied (distant) against the issue. Identified Patients (IP’s) are also created by triangles. (An Identified Patient is the one seen to be the “problem” when a family goes for therapy.) Often times the IP is one of the children acting out subconsciously to relieve the tension between the parents. When both parents are focused on the behavior of the child, they are not dwelling on their own tension-creating problems. What Drives Our Need To Triangulate? In its simplest form, we triangulate because we have anxiety about closeness. This is about “How close can I be to my spouse and still allow the other person to be different from me? You can see this when you go home to your parents. If one parent does something socially embarrassing, are you embarrassed? Or do you allow them to feel their own embarrassment and recognize it is not yours to feel while still feeling close to him/her? Or look at another example: you and your spouse are arguing. One of you points to a kid and says, “Bobby agrees with me and he thinks you’re wrong too!” You just ran into the question: how close can I be and allow you to be different than me? What you thought, perhaps subconsciously, is “If I can’t be close, I’m going to make Bobby close and distance you in order to bring you back to being the same as me.” It reduces my anxiety because I have a coalition with Bobby and I am now controlling you. Let’s De-triangulate! What do we need to do to counter this triangulation in our marriages? First, recognize that it’s always going on and accept that, BUT, watch for unhealthy triangulation in the form of distancing between you and your spouse. Don’t triangulate your kids in order to take the anxiety out of the deficiencies in your own marriage. Remember the Identified Patient – ever see a child who is a problem child because it gives both parents something to be together on? Second, talk about it! Talk about what you need to be together on as parents. Talk about boundaries you might need to set on in-laws, work, or affair possibilities. Thirdly, become an emotionally mature, well-differentiated person. Understand your Family Of Origin (FOO) – did your parents draw you in to take sides and relieve their own anxiety? Are you repeating the process in your own family? Learn to identify, name and own your own feelings. Develop a healthy, self-identity and live out of that place instead of others’ expectations. (And this one I LOVE!) Be OK with being different than your spouse: don’t get fixated on how little you have in common. Get fixated on loving each other with the variety you both bring to the marriage. Fourthly, Stand up for what you believe in – in your marriage! You want to become more uniquely yourself, inside your marriage. Remember, that’s what originally made you attractive to your spouse. This will bring the heat back to your marriage! Definitely worth the effort in my opinion… The research in this article was drawn from a great little book titled Family Ties That Bind by Dr. Ronald Richardson. Image courtesy of damon jan under the Creative Commons license.

Does Homeschooling Wreck Marriages? Oct 08, 2014

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Does homeschooling actually wreck marriages? Absolutely! But no more than sending your kids to public school… No matter what situation we find ourselves in, we need to realize the impact on our marriage and compensate accordingly. The fact is homeschooling presents different challenges than public schooling or even having both parents work outside the home. Each scenario has its own challenges! So, while homeschooling is great, it’s good to be specifically aware of a few things with regards to your marriage. Here are some of the challenges to marriage that we hear about from people who homeschool: The husband can feel like he’s getting the shaft when it comes to the time, energy and commitment wife gives to the marriage. He can start to get resentful if he feels like there is nothing left for him at the end of the day. Marriage care tends to be pushed to the bottom of the list as day-to-day life becomes more child-centered. What if the kids went to public/private/Christian school and my wife got a job? Dreaming about the what-if’s of a two-income family can create resentment. Finances are the #1 reason for divorce. Husband and wife are not together on this commitment. A cardinal rule of parenting is that both parents need to be in agreement! Poor role division. Overloading either mom or dad can have an adverse impact on their health, the marriage, and the family. Also, it is easy for Mom to become the homeschooling parent and Dad to become only the breadwinner. That’s not healthy, Dad needs to know how he can be involved with the family (and be involved!) and Dad and Mom both need to support each other. Here are four things you need to do to combat the unique challenges of a homeschooling marriage: Remember, God called you to marriage before parenting (usually), so love your spouse more than your homeschooling! Find your self-identity: Aim to have a thriving, passionate marriage of homeschooling parents – not a homeschooling marriage! Your identity is in Christ, not your educational preference. We are all going to grieve and celebrate becoming empty-nesters. If you define your identity as a home-schooling mom, then what are you going to be when you are not homeschooling? Who are you then? Another question to ask is if you are “homeschoolers” or people that teach at home? What is your identity? Have non-school conversations and non-school dates! If it’s the two of you together at the zoo – enjoy your time together at the zoo and stop planning your ecology module… Self Care! Homeschooling demands sacrifice by both parents. What are you doing for self-care? How are you investing in your marriage elsewhere to compensate for the sacrifice you and your spouse make daily? A mom once told me that pre-children she used to be disgusted with a woman who didn’t take care of their feet and had dry heels. Now, she is glad if she manages to shower on a given day. How priorities change when we have responsibilities 24/7! What are you doing to take care of yourself and your marriage!?! Obviously, there is nothing wrong with your marriage and it’s not on the rocks just because you homeschool! We just want you to pause and assess whether everything is in balance. Every marriage needs to do this – everybody has his or her own challenges. Homeschooling is a major commitment and decision that you feel is a clear blessing to your children. We wouldn’t dispute that, but we want you to stop, do a check-in and ask yourself, “Hey, is my marriage still first”? IowaPolitics.com under the Creative Commons

Hug Your Way To A Better Marriage! Oct 01, 2014

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I certainly hope reading this is going to make you want to find your spouse right now and give them a GREAT BIG SQUEEZE! And don’t be fooled – we’re not talking about how tightly you squeeze, we’re talking about how well you do the squeeze! The Power of the Hug The power of hugging is not to be underestimated. In fact, research supports how it can be a great way to improve your marriage. In 2003, Grewen, Anderson, Girlder and Light found that couples who enjoyed more episodes of positive close contact responded with lower blood pressure and heart rate elevations in response to the stresses and strains of daily living. On that same note, couples who did not express lots of physical affection were eight times more likely to feel stressed or depressed. In another study, they tried giving one person verbal social support when they were stressed and found that it did not have the same positive effect as actual physical contact. Seriously, I could go on and on with research that proves the point that close contact prevents “life’s hiccups” from hitting us so hard physically! What Does a Hug Do? A close physical connection creates an instant entry into the world of your spouse’s emotions. Can you feel their body heaving with sobs? Can you feel how tightly they’re strung with worry? Can you feel their desire for you? An incredible range of emotions is felt through hugging! Hugging also creates an increase in the release of oxytocin, the body’s natural love drug. Not only does oxytocin lower your blood pressure and heart rate, but it also boosts happiness, fine-tunes communication skills, improves every day relationships and chases away anxiety and stress. How to Hug As you can see, we all need to hug more. However, let us tell you exactly how you can be a Master Hugger! We’ve created a little video entitled How to Hug Like a Boss because really, how can you describe a hug with words?!? Plus, how do you know when your hug is done? We really do not have a good answer to that second question, so let us know your ideas. We’d love to hear from you! Image courtesy of Tania Cataldo under the Creative Commons license.

Speaking Well Of Your Spouse Affects Your Health? Sep 24, 2014

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Ladies, isn’t it an awesome feeling when you overhear your husband talking to one of his buddies and he says something nice about you? If you have already listened to the podcast, then you know that Caleb started quoting “nice things” about me from the Songs of Solomon. Lol! Overhearing compliments such as “Guys, my wife’s belly is as a heap of wheat encircled with lilies” may not to be too exciting for us today, but Caleb’s point was to find the language that works for your wife – even now. The even greater point is this: It’s so easy to take our spouses for granted. However, we want you to make it a personal agenda, and a real habit, to speak well of your spouse. This is a small and willful gesture that can pay huge dividends inside your marriage. It’s also a great way to add another layer of affair-proofing to your marriage. Speaking well of your spouse to others is a great way to protect yourself from potential affairs. It sends a message that you are not only committed to but very much in love with your spouse and not interested in anyone else. Mental Health In 1989, Hooley and Teasdale did a study on married people with depression. They found that the single best prediction of relapse into neurotic depression was the patient’s response to the following question: “How critical is your spouse of you?” Depressed patients who rated their spouses as highly critical of them were significantly more likely to relapse during their follow-up than the patients who felt less criticized. Just think of the impact you can have in his/her life, as speaking well of your spouse, instead of criticizing, has a direct correlation on their health! Criticism, on the other hand, is very corrosive and is a primary ingredient for any unhappy marriage. Proverbs 27:15 says it very well – “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike”… I’m pretty sure we can apply that quarrelsome attribute to both genders! Negative Comments So, “Does this mean I can NEVER say ANYTHING negative?” Nersesian found that five heartfelt compliments will erase the damage done by one slip of the lips. And Gottman states that in a happy marriage there is a 5-to-1 ratio of good comments to bad. 50/50 is not good enough! Make it your habit to speak well of your spouse and the odd negative comment that accidently slips out will not corrode your marriage. As Caleb says, “Negativity is like a bad rash. You can’t let it spread and get all over everything!” Nip it in the bud and decide to be positive today. Marriage Satisfaction Another study by Gordon & Baucom is necessary to look at here. Their research findings concluded that those who rated their spouse as being particularly positive reported higher levels of satisfaction in their marriage. If you think your spouse is positive, it will make you happier in your marriage. So, what story are you choosing to tell yourself about your husband or wife? If your circle of friends gets together to complain about their spouses, choose to tell a different story! Be the one who compliments and speaks well to others about your life partner. Not only will this positive outlook make you happier in your own marriage, but you just may influence your friends for the better too!

Get Out! Real Ultimatums in Marriage! Sep 17, 2014

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Christians have been trying to figure out for centuries: is divorce and remarriage ever the right thing to do? For some, that’s an intellectual discussion – for others, it’s a huge, unexpected reality in their lives. Back in Episode 13, we answered the question, “Is it ever OK to say, ‘If you do XYZ I’m going to divorce you’”? In response to that post, a spouse wrote us to ask, “If there are repeated acts of infidelity over several years, is it OK to say, ‘If you do this one more time, I am going to divorce you’? One comment that the listener provided was: “Once you say that, the whole nature of the relationship changes.” I want to be upfront about a few things here. The following is what Caleb and I believe to be right, at this moment. We reserve the right to change our minds – we don’t want to come across as having it “all figured out”! Also, I have extreme empathy for any of our listeners who are in this situation and are wrestling with this question. It is very difficult even to write this through my tears knowing the pain and questions in so many people’s hearts. So, if you’re in this situation, please reach out. We’d love to connect with you. For those of you not in this kind of dilemma, be thankful and then work on your marriage EVERY SINGLE DAY so you never find yourself in a situation like this! That said, here’s our take: Divorce does not please God. It is very hard on both spouses and very, very hard on children. Generally speaking, husbands and wives should not desert or divorce their spouses and if they do, they should remain single and attempt to be reconciled. (1 Corinthians 7:10 & 11) However, there are three exceptions where a person can remarry: •Where an unbelieving spouse deserts the marriage, the saved spouse is free to remarry. (1 Corinthians 7:15) •In the case of sexual immorality; the bond is already broken and the faithful spouse is under no obligations to the covenant. (Matthew 5:31-32) •If your spouse dies. (Romans 7:1-4) Other than #3 though, life rarely fits so clearly or easily in the categories that we provided! We believe that a couple should always aim for reconciliation, forgiveness, and rebuilding. We have seen that those marriages are often sweeter than even marriages that have never experienced the trauma of something major like an affair. Pruch, a writer from a Baptist Seminary, suggests that “all cases should be handled on a case-by-case basis with great care and reliance on God’s Spirit through prayer, in concert with one’s elders and church family, while urging the guilty towards repentance.” Perhaps, instead of divorce, we should be placing more emphasis on separation and suspending the divorce decision, while we work through a process of facilitating restoration and reconciliation. When we discussed this issue in Episode 13 (link above), it was more for “minor threats”, or even using the threat as a joke or a way to get your own way. Obviously, the question from this listener is no joking matter. So, to our listeners who are currently struggling with this, it’s definitely a complex matter. You have some biblical guidelines and you need to make your decision based on a multitude of factors including: Your own ability to forgive and reconcile. Your evaluation of your spouse’s ability to seek help and find healing so that they become safe, monogamous lover for you. Your own willingness to own your flaws and mistakes and not in any way enable the relationship to return to its broken state. Your understanding of your own beliefs about whether remarriage is an option for you or if you would prefer to remain single. Your understanding of your church community’s position on this. Again, deciding whether to remain, separate or divorce your partner takes a lot of prayers and wise counsel. Therefore, we would recommend that you talk to responsible members of your church that can provide you with some helpful spiritual insight. To all our other readers, our prayer is that your marriage NEVER gets to this point. That’s why we work to provide you with tools to help you build a thriving, passionate marriage. Don’t take your marriage for granted – but steadily work to improve it!

Interview with Tyler Ward Sep 10, 2014

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We had the privilege this week of interviewing Tyler Ward, author of Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions & the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person. Tyler found that about 18 months into his marriage, despite having an awesome wife, things started to go south. Fights and arguments were becoming the norm. Knowing that he wanted better for his marriage, Tyler started to look at his own preconceived ideas of what marriage should look like. He began to scientifically "test" (I loved reading the results!) different ideas of how to improve his marriage and other aspects of life too. And rather than have me tell you the punchline, you need to go read his book for yourself! :) Let me tell you this though, Tyler is a believer who comes at the subject of marriage with a real sense of care, humour and insight. He is both biblically informed and also research informed in his thinking about marriage which really echoes with our own approach to God’s wonderful blessing of marriage. Rather than transcribe the whole conversation, we’re giving you the opportunity to either listen to the audio or watch the video of the interview. You can find his book at: Amazon.com - Marriage Rebranded Barnes&nobles.com - Marriage Rebranded iBooks (through iTunes) Moodycollective.com - Marriage Rebranded To follow Tyler and get updates on what he comes out with next, go to www.tylerwardis.com Tyler also has a free ebook available in which he compiled the best quotes and advice from 25 marriage "professionals". Definitely worth taking a look at! You can find that at Noisetrade.

3 Ways To Affair-Proof Your Marriage Sep 03, 2014

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Who ever starts their day by thinking, “Hey, I’m going to have an affair today?” Doesn’t happen! But, how many people do you know – or maybe this has been you – that find themselves one day asking, “How did this affair ever happen to our marriage?” Our prayer in writing this is that it makes someone who is reading, suck air and go “OH BOY – it’s time to make an about-turn because I’m headed for a serious marital train wreck!” While we can never be “safe” from the risk of an affair, we can take measures to safeguard our marriages. As the Bible says, “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.” We need to remember that none of us are invincible, but we also need to remember that some of us are at more risk than others. If any of the following points describe you, then you need to take extra precautions to guard your marriage against an affair. The following risk factors are from a meta-analysis done in 2010 by Tsapelas, Fisher, and Aron. While this is quite a list, it is so important for each of us to be aware of the risks to our relationship. 1. Relationship satisfaction (how satisfied am I with our marriage?) Boredom Lack of emotional support Frequency and quality of sex Felt love Low agreeableness Low conscientiousness 2. Mental health or psychological issues Psychopathology (depression, anxiety, etc.) Narcissism (thinking high of self) Excessive alcohol consumption Childhood sexual abuse Role modeling by father (generational infidelity patterns) Attachment anxiety: spouses who are uncertain of the availability of spouse and cope by seeking reassurance from and clinging to their spouse Attachment avoidance: spouses who doubt the availability of close relationships with others and cope by avoiding behaviors that promote intimacy 3. Self-perception More socially desirable = more infidelity Women more motivated by the need for intimacy and self-esteem Women more motivated by dissatisfaction with marriage Men overall have a stronger desire to engage in sexual infidelity 4. Social factors Lack of religiosity Higher-income (opportunity, entitlement) Work that involves touching clients, discussing personal concerns with colleagues or clients, or working alone with co-workers Moving onto more positive things! Here are three things that you can do to strengthen and maintain your marriage while decreasing the risk of an affair. 1. Keep Deepening Your Love The best way to protect your marriage is to build a strong attachment bond. Sue Johnson (2004) puts it this way: “Become a source of security, protection and contact comfort for your spouse. Assist each other in difficult emotional circumstances and in developing a positive and potent sense of self. In plain English, invest in your marriage! Show love and consideration to one another. Share the power in your relationship (listen to episode 003 – Receiving Influence, for more information on what this means). Learn to be there emotionally for each other, so neither spouse has a desire to look elsewhere for that emotional bond. And last but not least – be sexy! Date, flirt, wink, tease… the list could go on! 2. Own Your Stuff Sometimes it is easier to bury our feelings or to blame others for them than it is to face the feelings directly. Oftentimes though, facing them is the only way we can find healing from them. Face any mental health issues – seek outside help. Face any past sexual abuse, poor role modeling, brokenness: seek healing 1 Corinthians 7 tells us no to withhold our bodies from our spouse. It is ok to be a low desire spouse if that’s all there is to it, but if you pull back from physical intimacy because of deeper issues, don’t let your history, your brokenness, your victimization become your dominant message. Face these things - seek healing. Watch for an entitlement from positions of power (e.g., pastor, business owner, teacher) or wealth Be aware of how you have been socialized about your sexuality Be aware of how your work situation creates vulnerability to affairs and take extra mental/emotional steps to protect your marriage (speak well of your spouse, keep in touch through the day, etc.) 3. Be Intentional About Your Well-Being Make good choices in your life with regards to finance, fitness and food. Dads: be(come) a spiritual leader in your home. Have some great same-sex friendships that will encourage you to grow (don’t just get together with the girlfriends to complain about your husbands…) We do go into more detail of each point in our podcast, so go listen to that now. And if you’re someone whose marriage has been hi-jacked by an affair, we’d love to be in touch. Please reach out!

Three Tips For Rocking Your Vacation Aug 27, 2014

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After going on a vacation, have you ever noticed the fact that oftentimes your family and friends are more excited about your vacation than you are? Sure, a lot of us enjoy our vacations, but they can be kind of stressful too! Why is it that we expect uninterrupted bliss, but the reality is most of us have our little spats, our frustrations and disappointments on vacation? Holidays are necessary and biblical. Even Jesus Christ would encourage his disciples to “come apart and rest awhile”. So yes, we need holidays! Why then are there so many challenges and dissatisfactions around our vacations? One good explanation comes from Rosenblatt & Russell. They conducted a study on our expectations surrounding our vacations. What they discovered is that people have very high expectations for their vacations and tend to idealize them. They cited that people expected to come back from their vacation totally revitalized after having a time of intense and loving family togetherness, and also becoming one with nature. In reality, vacations aren’t usually 100 percent awesome, but for some reason we expect them to be. How can we correct this? 1. Head in with realistic expectations! No couple has a perfect marriage and no family gets along perfectly. Even if it looks like they do on their blog – they don’t! So, be prepared for some of the same interpersonal difficulties to arise on vacation as they do at home, but don’t treat them like they’re the end of the world and the end of the happy vacation. Be aware of dynamics of traveling with other people. It will change things and if you can anticipate this and are prepared to make the adjustments it will make the vacation go a lot more smoothly. Also, be prepared to negotiate and compromise during the planning for each day and realize that every vacation is not going to hit the ball out of the park. 2. Talk about the “division of labor” before you head in! While this doesn’t sound vacation-like, daily maintenance is a part of any vacation. Talking about it ahead of time eases the stress surrounding it. For instance, discuss and decide who is going to be responsible for meals, decision making, packing, childcare, etc. Be aware of your own sense of entitlement. Do you tend to come into your vacation with the thought that you deserve a break and are going to do nothing? Or is this vacation a time when you could serve your spouse and lessen his/her load? Caleb gave the example, on this weeks’ podcast episode, of trying to get out of the campsite in the morning. Because he always left first in the mornings at home, he never saw the work it took to get three kids ready for the day. When camping, he would sit in the car and get frustrated that the girls and I weren’t ready when he said “Let’s go!” It was a mind shift for him to realize that he could help brush their hair before I braided it or make lunch. By doing these things, it made my load easier too. (I suggested that he could braid the girls’ hair on our next vacation, but for some reason he didn’t jump at that…) 3. Plan together! This is a discussion that needs to take place before you book any holidays. Together with your spouse, talk about the big picture and what you both want to achieve with your vacation. Do you want adventure? Rest? Contemplation? Family visit? Hot or Cold climate? Sports (ie. Skiing)? Hobby (ie fishing)? Romance? Touring all over or staying in one place and exploring deeply? There may have to be some compromise. Agree to do one type of vacation this year, and another next year depending on the desire of each spouse. Realize that if you both need a vacation to reduce stress, having kids along will make that extremely difficult. There are times when dropping the children off at their grandparents or with some close friends for the weekend and having a complete break is necessary. And last, but definitely not least, talk about money! What can we afford for this vacation? In 2003, Chesworth interviewed lawyers about vacations from the perspective of what they saw in their clients. She found that most divorces are initiated because of disagreements over finances. She also discovered that 80 percent of lawyers she interviewed said there was a noticeable increase in divorce proceedings following vacations and holidays. You can spend a big chunk of money on your vacation for a fabulous adventure but that can bring a huge amount of stress into your life. Instead, save some money ahead of time and create a budget that you’re both committed to sticking too. You may miss out on doing some things on your vacation that sound so exciting, but you will come home a lot more peaceful knowing that it’s all paid for and you’re not in debt. And I have to say, it only took Caleb and me 14.5 years to figure this out. In January, we sat down and had our “vacation discussion”. We decided what we wanted to do and where we wanted to go this year. We then estimated what it would cost and figured out what we needed to set aside monthly to have enough saved. This approach was a lot less stressful and definitely worth the uncomfortable discussions up front! We would encourage you to take these three suggestions and apply them as you plan your next family vacation. We know you’ll have a stress-reduced holiday if you do!

3 Types of Negativity That Will Ruin Your Marriage Aug 20, 2014

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You know, even if you are committed to your marriage, you can still make it a miserable experience. Today, we will look at three negativity traps you can fall into and how to get out of them! If you have ever felt yourself stuck in a rut of negativity, you know how draining that can be on you and your spouse. Negativity is not something anybody should dwell on. So, as we explore the topic today, we also want to remind you that except when it comes to related medical complications, happiness is very often just a choice. Yes, if you train yourself to make the choice of happiness 10, 50, 100 times a day, you are going to infuse A LOT of joy into your marriage. The three types of negativity we are going to look at today are rumination, bitterness and ingratitude. Rumination Rumination is going over and over the same bad negative things again and again. It usually focuses on the past or present (vs. worrying which focuses on the future). Along with focusing on negativity, rumination brings with it a with a desire to understand what happened; however, there is usually no conscious responsibility to take action that comes along with it. Rumination gives an excuse that says as long as I keep hashing the situation through and figuring it out, I don’t actually have to take the responsibility and deal with it. A study from 2008 (Noeln/Hoeksema, Wisco & Lyubormirsky) found that rumination consistently predicts the onset of depression. In other words, where there is a pattern of rumination, you are putting yourself at risk for depression. That’s why it is important to stop the negative pattern and instead focus on the positive. While we do need to take the time to ponder our failures, figure out what went wrong and come up with how we can do things differently in the future, something constructive needs to come out of this way of thinking. Remember, focusing on the positive results in happiness! How can you do this? Take what we call “happy breaks”. Play happy music loudly, jump on your trampoline, or go for a run. It is also a good idea to plan a problem-solving session where you’re actually going to sit down and deal with the issue. Don’t ignore what goes wrong in your life. Instead, balance out the time you spend thinking about it, and take breaks of happiness at regular intervals. Another great way to knock rumination out of your life is to get your eyes off yourself and onto someone else. And of course, it’s always a good idea to focus on the relationships closest to you – especially your marriage! Bitterness Unforgiveness registers in body stress, and there is plenty of research that shows how stress impacts you physically. It can also cause medical and mental health problems. When it comes to the offenses that come at us, although we can’t control them, we can control our response. Will you become angry and bitter? Are you going to let stress and its effects consume you? Or are you going to forgive and move on? Bitterness can also create a victim mentality – it gives you an identity of being a wounded individual. Once you have this mindset, it is easy to stay there and ruminate, but really, you’re hurting yourself more than anybody else. Something to help us overcome bitterness is empathy. Remember that hurt people hurt people. If you have been hurt or wounded, try to understand that the offense came from someone who is most likely hurting inside. Empathy is the understanding that if I had walked in their shoes up until this point, who am I to think that I would have acted any differently? Empathy stops our pride and keeps the bitterness at bay. Ingratitude Gratitude is a state of being thankful. It is something that has to be cultivated and expressed often. When it comes to our marriages, it is easy to take our spouse for granted and fall into the habit of ingratitude as a direct result. A great way to throw little positive tidbits into your marriage is to learn to notice the kind and selfless acts of your spouse and acknowledge them with gratitude. Affirm what you want to see more of in your spouse. Going further, express appreciation not only for their inputs into your marriage (those little acts of kindness), but also for who your spouse is as a person (character-based). Remember, happiness is a choice and gratitude helps to create happiness. Choose joy for your marriage. Q&A Section Today Caleb wanted to discuss the question, “How do we decide when to have kids?” and brought up a few concerns that many people raise (such as finances, travel, choices, etc). We would love to hear your thoughts on the matter as there are so many differing opinions on this topic. Please give us your opinion in the comments below.

Why Comparison Makes You A Miserable Spouse Aug 13, 2014

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Why do we spend so much time comparing ourselves to others? Is it a fear of rejection? Of not being good enough? Making comparisons is never healthy, but in the context of marriage, it can suck the soul right out of it. It is draining and destructive. Why? It's because it leaves us looking for what we don’t have instead of focusing on what we do have. Often when we are comparing our spouse to others, we are just cherry-picking certain qualities that we want to focus on, but we need to remember that the person we’re comparing our spouse to comes as a whole package. As long as you think that something out there will make your life better, you’re denying reality. You’re also taking away from yourself the opportunity to develop your own appreciation for the beauty of your own marriage, your own spouse. So, what should you do when the urge arises? Make the choice to see in your spouse the beautiful compliment for who you are. There was research done in 1982 by Sanders & Suls that stated some interesting findings on this topic. For example, they found that a sense of equity induces satisfaction. One way to look at this is, if I think that I put a lot more into our marriage than my husband (comparing my efforts to his) I will feel deprived. On the other hand, if I perceive that my husband’s efforts are equitable, then I will be more satisfied. In other words, if you want to transform your marriage, work hard to make sure your spouse feels equitable in terms of contribution. Another finding in the study was that if I feel good about my marriage, comparing it to others will make me feel even better. Oppositely, if I feel bad about it, comparing it will make me feel even worse. Either way, making comparisons to your marriage is not healthy. If you feel something is lacking, you need to talk directly to your spouse about what is happening. Before doing so, start off by asking yourself, "Do I have a perception problem or is there actually a shortcoming? Then have a conversation about it! Don’t let things fester while you compare your spouse to others. If the problem is your attitude – own up to it and change it. Focus on the positive! If there actually is an issue with your spouse, bring it up and talk it out. In Isaiah 45, a word picture is painted of a clay pot arguing with its maker. In a lot of ways, this is what we are doing when we are comparing ourselves, or our spouse, with others. We are saying that God should have made me (or my spouse) this way or that way… It is a rebuttal of God’s wisdom in creating you and is just a breeding ground for jealousy. Comparison does not solve anything. It only creates a sense of dissatisfaction. Instead of lamenting on what we don’t have (but can see in others), we need to focus on what is right here, present in our lives. Q&A Section Referring to the article, 10 Habits of Happy Couples, Edwin asks: “Is this just the things that happy couples do already? Or if unhappy couples start doing them, they will become happier (note, I didn't say happy). Do you have to change feelings to change behaviour or does changing behaviour change feelings?” I thought Caleb and I were going to disagree on this one. What do you think? Let us know in the comments below! In the podcast, Caleb referred to Episode 003, Receiving Influence From Your Wife. Go have a listen or read to find out what he was referring to.

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