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Six Dynamics That Influence In-Law Relationships, Part 1 May 28, 2014

Show notes

I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, “Wow, how did you do that?” “I would tell you”, answered the magician predictably, “but then I’d have to kill you.” After a moment’s pause, the same voice yelled back “Can you tell my mother in law?” In-laws Are Special! Even though it would be impossible to host an episode about in-laws without a little off-the-cuff humour, we do want to acknowledge that parents are always to be given honour. Having said that, we recognize that in-law issues – both parent to offspring and offspring to parent – can be a really hot topic for many marriages! The Journal of Family Therapy published an article called “The Problem With In-Laws” (2003). They identified six common areas where issues arise in Western societies with in-laws. They are: Jealousy Competition Transference Displacement Poor boundary regulation and Discrepant role expectations These are not all words we use commonly every day so we will unpack them a little below! A note to folks from other cultures that follow our show: you may have to take what we’re going to talk about and evaluate if it fits your culture. At the very least, this might be an interesting insight into how things happen in the idealized world of North America. Regardless of culture, the guiding principle here from the ancient wisdom of the Bible is that a husband shall leave his father and mother and cleave (cling, unite) unto his wife (Genesis 2). This implies there is a clear separation that comes into the parental relationship and then a joining in the marriage relationship. 1. Jealousy When you get married, your loyalty changes from your parents to your spouse. Time, attention and affection get re-directed to the spouse from the parents which may make the parents jealous. The spouse may also get jealous is he/she feels that the parents-in-law are still getting a larger portion of the attention. To further complicate things, a spouse may actually feel like they’re betraying their parents to some extent when they leave home. There may be grief, but the couple needs to build their own bond to compensate. Realize that most in-laws want the best for your marriage. Usually, parents are not out to thwart a relationship but want their child and spouse to be happy. It is each individual coming to the new relationship with their own expectations of what that should look like that causes conflicting tensions. 2. Competition (or Comparison) It is so easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves with others. That is no different in relationships than it is with anything else. We can bring a lot of expectations into our marriage about what it means to be a good daughter-in-law (DIL) or son-in-law (SIL) and even compare ourselves with our siblings as to who is doing a better job as an in-law. We may also compare ourselves to our spouse's parents. For example, a husband may compare the house that he has provided for his wife with the house she lived in with her parents and wonder if he measures up. It’s also easy to feel like we need to compete for the amount of time devoted to each relationship. How can we diffuse the competition? We need to manage our boundaries – put your spouse first and your parents second. As a spouse, we need to voice our concerns to our marriage partner if we feel left out. Talk about it and try to find ways where you can still feel connected with the parents but are not taking time away from your spouse. Rather than come at it with an “either-or” attitude (competition) try to find a “both-and” solution. 3. Transference Transference is looking to your family (my in-laws) to provide something that was lacking in my family or fulfill the role of my parents. It may not even be a recognized need, but it is in the subconscious as a deep desire. For example, if one family of origin (FOO) was not very good nurturing, that spouse may need his/her in-laws to provide that nurturing. If the spouse’s family held the belief that they should give the new couple as much breathing room as possible, the spouse looking for the nurturing may interpret that as cold and unloving. Negative transference: disappointment from my family is now transferred to yours. Positive transference: I overly idealize my new in-laws. They are perfect. How can we combat this? Be aware of the expectations we bring to the table. Look to the marriage bond to help us meet our needs rather than the in-laws. This has to stay within the boundaries of a healthy marriage – we are not referring to deep psychological needs here. You cannot expect your spouse to fill those, you need to work through those and get professional help if you need it. 4. Displacement Displacement is me getting upset with your parents because that’s easier than being upset with you. Or, it may go the other way and again be my own issue – it’s safer to express anger towards your parents than against my own parents. If you’re on the receiving end of this from a parent-in-law, remember, it’s easier for them to be upset with you than to be hurt by their own flesh-and-blood. For example, if I feel your parents are too intrusive (which is actually more about my own uncomfortable feelings towards them) and take on a victim role, they may actually begin to see me as needy and try to be more there for us. So it becomes a vicious cycle, and self-fulfilling, all because I was unable to originally identify my own uncomfortable feelings! Most in-law issues are our own inability to look inside and deal with how we’re feeling. It’s easier to blame somebody else! Generally, we start into marriage when we are the least emotionally mature. That is a hard time to deal with complicated new relationships! How can we stop this cycle? Be aware of yourself. Stop in those moments when you’re upset and ask yourself, “What is my own ‘stuff’?” Think about what you need to own, and then how you are going to deal with it instead of dumping/projecting/transferring your issues onto someone else. This can be painful, but be honest. Talk to your spouse about your realities and needs. This is a great way to bond – talk about and unpack your insights together. Marriages strengthen and grow when we start to understand how and why we do the things that we do. That is when marriage becomes the tool to make us holier and refine our characters. In-law dynamics #5 and #6 (Boundaries and Role Expectations) will be coming next week! Also, a superb question you won’t want to miss – especially for those of our listeners who are helping other marriages. Thanks for listening and feel free to share in the comments what you've learned about effectively navigating in-law relationships! Image courtesy of Louish Pixel under the Creative Commons license.

The Strongest Predictor of Divorce Is… May 21, 2014

Show notes

We all know that one sure-fire way to get cancer is by smoking cigarettes. What if there was one thing that is cancerous to marriage? Today we’re going to look at one feeling that could destroy your marriage and what we can do to defend ourselves against this. What is this one thing? You might think, “Really? One thing? Marriages break up for a lot of reasons!” Well, Dr. John Gottman has identified that the number one factor identified in marriage break ups is contempt. What does contempt look like? Well, it might look like sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, hostile humor. You can even see it on a persons face sometimes when they lift a corner or pull back the side of their mouth. Contempt increases conflict and comes from long-simmering negative thoughts. It is literally unhealthy: Couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses. A great example of contempt in a marriage is found in the history of the Bible in the story of Michal, one of the wives of King David. When David went into exile, he left Michal behind, and while exiled got more wives. Think about it, she’s left behind trying to explain to people why he didn’t take her with him. In the scene where David returns (2 Samuel 6) and is celebrating victory, Michal sees his excitement and as soon as they meet, she cuts him down. She mocks him with sarcasm, which is contempt. Contempt conveys disgust and anger. The story actually ends by saying she had no children to the day of her death. While the marriage stayed intact as an institution, obviously they were so done with each other there was no sexual intimacy, never mind emotional. Contempt is lethal to a marriage. Wives: Listen Up! While nobody deserves to be treated contemptuously, there is a gender difference regarding the impact of contempt on the marriage bond: contempt from a wife is more serious than contempt from a husband. Men are hard-wired for respect – they need that. Individuals who doubt themselves underestimate the strength of their partner’s love. I.e., disrespect means you don’t love me. What Can We Do? If you’re reading this, or have listened to our show, and are like “OH NO! Our marriage is toast…”, make changes now. Cultivate what Dr. Gottman calls a “culture of praise and admiration”. You can do this by: Expressing genuine appreciation. We talked about this in more detail in Episode 4 Being focused on what your spouse is adding to your life (not taking for granted) Touching your partner verbally and physically every day in an affectionate manner. This is very deliberate – you can’t just wing it! Don’t be a statistic, combat contempt today! Q&A Section Mark asked: “It seems a good marriage, as we have observed, goes through different stages of growth. Are these common to all marriages? Can they be delineated? What hinders or halts progression? What enhances progression? Listen to this episode to hear the answer!

5 Reasons Why You Need to Tell Your Wife You Appreciate Her May 20, 2014

Show notes

Have you ever caught your spouse doing something right? Haha, that’s right: so often we’re quick to get at each other when things don’t go well. It’s pretty easy to get that criticism monkey on your back but really hard to get it off. Today we’re going to work on the skill of expressing appreciation in your marriage. Reason 1: You’ll Enjoy Your Marriage More Showing appreciation goes both ways. A study published by Busby, Holman and Neihuis in 2009 showed that couples in which both spouses perceived the other’s personality as more affable (friendly, or good-natured) then their own experienced more positive relationship outcomes. By force of habit, we can see the positives more than the negatives or vice versa. Dr. John Gottman states, “We have learned that couples rarely improve their marriages by trying to change each other. Rather, couples find happiness by focusing on each other’s positive attributes.” Add to that focus by proactively emphasizing the positive! The Bible says “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thess 5:11). Reason 2: You’ll Get More of What You Express Appreciation For It’s a natural desire, in a healthy marriage, to want to please your spouse. When we hear appreciation, we are learning what pleases the other person. This then becomes a note-to-self of how to bring more positivity into the relationship in the future, even if it’s more in the subconscious! Reason 3: Appreciation Reinforces the Emotional Bond Between You Expressing appreciation is really just another way to say, “I love you!” If you loathe someone, you know how hard it is to even find one positive thing to say about that person. On the other hand, if you appreciate someone, giving voice to those positive affirmations will reinforce the emotional bond. As humans, we know that the people who love us appreciate us. So it’s a way of saying, “I love you” and strengthening your marriage. Reason 4: Appreciation is a Signal That You’re Vested in the Relationship Dr. John Gottman’s research has shown that healthy marriages have five positive interactions for every negative interaction. Unhealthy marriages have a ratio of 0.8 to 1. Being positive half the time doesn’t cut it! Your positivity needs to far overwhelm your negativity. Appreciation is one of many ways to create positive interactions. But beyond what you say to express it, there is the underlying affirmation that you’re committed to this relationship, you’re investing in it, you’re building it and you’re wanting it to grow! Words of appreciation “give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29) so it builds resilience into the marriage bond for that 1 time (for at least every five) in which we stumble and say something that hurts our spouse. You can’t express appreciation and not want all that good stuff to happen. So it’s a powerful signal to your spouse of how meaningful the relationship is to you. Reason 5: It’s Going to Force You to Learn to Accept Appreciation Ironically, we’re often better at giving appreciation than receiving, which is good, but it’s actually just as important that we learn to receive it as well. Perhaps this is more directed at our female listeners - Caleb commented that “the number of successful, have-it-together, competent moms or wives that have expressed a profound lack of self-confidence blows my mind.” Our appeal to you is, learn to receive your husband’s appreciation! What does it mean to receive appreciation? Bring it into your heart! See the sincerity in your eyes, hear the genuineness in his voice and believe what he’s saying! Internalize it, accept it as true! When he says: “You look great in that outfit!” Don’t say “Yeah, but I feel fat…” “That was an awesome supper!” Don’t say “Well, I wish I could make it like your mom.” “You’re a good mommy!” Don’t say “Sometimes I feel like such a failure.” Instead, learn to say thank you! and tuck that little appreciation away in your heart! The goal is not pride, it is wholeness. Expressing appreciation can have a restorative effect on our spouse. Q&A Section An anonymous female listener asked, Why does my husband always try to solve the problem? Why can’t he just listen? Image courtesy of AForestFrolic under the Creative Commons license.

Why Receiving Influence is a Skill Every Husband Needs to Learn May 18, 2014

Show notes

Do you ever wonder why your wife just isn’t getting on board with your decisions? Whatever your idea or plan was, it made perfect sense. But your wife isn’t going along with it--and in fact may even be pulling the other direction! This podcast is about one thing we husbands must learn to do well in order to be together as a couple on our decisions. Receiving Influence Receiving Influence is something we must learn to do well. It simply means that the husband makes himself open to persuasion from his wife. This is something that marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, emphasizes as a critical trait of healthy marriages. It’s the opposite of being stubborn or domineering and it is particularly important that the husband pays close attention to this. Marriage is a great tool to help us become less selfish. It is sometimes hard to be open to our spouse’s influence and that might be seen in comments where we dismiss their input by saying something like, “Nonsense, what are you talking about? That’s ridiculous!” Or even more subtle remarks like “It’s not that big a deal…” or “I’m sorry, but someone had to make a decision”. These types of statements tell one's wife that I'm not willing to receive her influence. Why is it Important to Receive Influence? Not being open leads your spouse to become angry and frustrated. That often leads to contempt and criticism: both of which are highly corrosive in a marriage. It leaves the other spouse feeling disrespected and erodes a sense of us, creating two “me” spouses. Ephesians 5:28 says “Husbands love their wives as their own bodies”. This really puts the husband under obligation to serve his wife’s needs as much as his own. When you do a good job of receiving influence, you're signaling your wife that you're recognizing here presence, worth, feelings, and opinions. How Do I Get Better at Receiving Influence? Dr. John Gottman calls it the “Aikido principle”. It’s a rule from Japenese martial arts: you must yield to your opponent in order to win. You become more powerful by sharing your power with your spouse. Realize it’s not about win or lose. It’s about understanding each other and honouring each other by recognizing different perspectives. Try a different point of view. Instead of sitting across the table from each other on an issue, try shifting your thinking so that you’re together looking at the same problem. Don’t let the problem come between you, but be united against the problem. Make this: Become this: See the difference? You may even find it helpful to physically move closer towards and beside each other when discussing major decisions. Instead of you-me-problem, it becomes us-problem. Part of the idea here is learning to understand each other and to honour different perspectives. When we approach a major decision together, we have the opportunity to both maintain our own self-esteem and also to build understanding. So What Can I Say to Let Her Know I Hear Her? Receiving influence is a combination of perspective and communication skills. We've addressed the perspective issue above. As far as communication skills go, try some of these answers next time: That’s interesting. Help me understand where you’re coming from a little better. It seems like this is really important to you. How is it important? It seems like you’re scared of something here. Am I right? What is causing you fear? (Go straight to empathy) Wow, I can certainly see how that would be frustrating for you. See how these are inviting your wife closer rather than pushing her away? This tells her you are honouring the huge role that she plays in your life. Q&A Section Question from someone identifying herself as "JustChill": Why doesn’t my husband consult me when making plans for us? For example, he invited friends over for dinner without asking me and only informed me less an hour before they arrived. He invited my parents out to dinner by asking them without even telling me of his intentions. He told me where we would vacation instead of asking me if I wanted to go there. He also said we would be moving out of state and never formally asked me if I wanted to move, he only said, "why wouldn't you?" What explains this behavior? I understand my husband wants to be the "man" but its not right that he makes plans as if we are the same person. Well, that ties right into what we talked about in this episode! Have a listen to find out how we answered the question! Image courtesy of PK under the Creative Commons license.

When Did You Divorce Your Husband and Marry the Kids? May 16, 2014

Show notes

In our Internet world of picture-perfect mommy bloggers, Facebook updates about how cute our toddler’s latest saying was, and family-fun photos on Instagram, there’s a lot of pressure to be the perfect mom. But: what if all the mommy-glamour could become the ruin of your marriage? Today’s episode is about prioritizing marriage over parenting. Should I Focus on My Marriage Or My Kids? The title comes from Salvador Minuchin (possibly! Caleb wasn't sure if his memory was working right here), the father of Family Systems Therapy who, when dealing with a dysfunctional family turned and asked the mother when she divorced her husband and married her kids. That is, why did she abandon her marriage relationship and focus completely on her children? We've had some great advice over the years and this issue was a part of that. Advice was given to Verlynda at a baby shower before she had her first child, You were a wife before you were a mother – don’t forget that. And a piece of advice Caleb was given: The best gift you can give your children is to love their mother. This is a common issue. William Farley, in Gospel-Powered Parenting, points out the risk of child idolatry in our culture and says the Puritans actually warned against loving our children too much. Farley says we need to love God more than our children, which ultimately is better for the kids as well and so we unpacked this idea further in the show. The research also supports the idea that prioritizing the marriage overparenting was better for both the couple and the children. Even at the start of child-rearing, a study by O’Brien and Payton in the Journal of Family Psychology, 2002: found that a higher perceived difficulty with parenting was related to lower levels of initial marital intimacy. So you can see how they observed that marital intimacy makes parenting even feel easier. The Baby-will-save-our-marriage Trick is Probably a Bad Idea You want your baby to land right in the middle of a secure emotional bond between dad and mom, not into a war zone! Our proposition is that you give more to your kids through good ‘husbanding’ or good ‘wifing’ than through good parenting because the second flows most effectively from a solid marital foundation. This was reinforced by Erel and Burman (1995) who did a meta-analysis (a study of other researcher's work) of 68 studies examining relationships between marital quality and parenting. They found two conclusions: Positive marital relationship=positive parenting relationship Parents invest more deeply in their children when there are problems in the marriage. Compensating for problems in the marriage by turning to the kids is the wrong approach! In the Scriptures, the relationship that God chose to be the one institution that would symbolize his love for the church is that of marriage, not parenting. So loving our spouse well preaches the Gospel of God's love to our kids and to others. Our children should be attracted to God and his love, seen in the gospel, by virtue of what they see in a husband's love for his wife. The same values are evident in what the Journal of Family and Psychology, 2004 stated, that kids (5-6 yr olds) adjust to school better when Dad and Mom are in love with each other. Again, parental love fortifies the children, makes them feel more secure and gives them more confidence to face new life experiences. The Handbook of Parenting, Volume 4 “Social Conditions and Applied Parenting” reviews a lot of studies. They conclude “happily married parents are more sensitive, responsive, warm and affectionate toward their children…the marital relationship appears to serve as a primary source of support for parenting.” It also stated, “having skills and knowledge is not sufficient for competent parenting if marital tensions and conflict undermine the co-parenting alliance.” To sum up: you will be more successful in creating happier children by focusing on your spouse. On the other hand, giving top priority to your children is not as helpful to them or your spouse. What About First-Time Parents? Newborns are demanding, aren't they? Trust us, we've been there... Remember that all of child-rearing is a process of increasing independence Womb > Outside world Breastfeed > Self-feed Diapers > Potty trained Training wheels > Two wheeler Allowance > First job Home > School/Career Because this is a process, different levels of parent involvement are required all the way through a child’s life. Dad and Mom are most involved with the first baby. That’s OK! Just make sure you have small ways of staying connected and supporting each other. If you have a natural birth, the doctors suggest that you not have sex for six weeks. So you'll need to respect mom's body but even during that time remember that intimacy occurs on many levels and this can be a time to draw together to support this new little blessing in your life. Ideas and Suggestions to Live This Out Practically So we need to continue to build our marriages during all phases of life. Here are some ideas of how we can show each other and our kids that our marriage is more important: Even if you’re in the middle of a book when he comes in the door, get up and go give him a kiss! If you’re talking, don’t let your kids interrupt! (and not just the first time they call you, it means every time until you’re done your conversation) Let your baby cry until you’re finished what you were doing with hubby Plan date nights (your children will survive with a sitter or relative!) Adjust your child-rearing so that your children are trained to the extent you can do these things (i.e., stay in bed so you can have dessert/sex/etc in the evening) Put a lock on your bedroom door Schedule time in your day to be together ALONE Make your spouse special things (like a coffee – draw a heart in the milk foam, or fry an egg in a heart-shaped cookie cutter) Kiss in front of the kids. PDA!!! Woohoo! Kids hate it but they wanna see it! Tell the kids it’s Mom’s/Dad’s turn for a cuddle and make them wait (this is assuming you cuddle your kids at other times!!) Play together Laugh Flirt Tease Chase each other around the house Q&A Section Sandra writes: I have been married for several months now and my husband has been acting different. What do I do? Alright, well I have been married for the past 6 months. Everything had been great until just a month ago he gets easily annoyed or so he claims. We are currently very stressed about money like we have never been before so im thinking that is a factor in all of this. He is very cold lately and doesn't even want to spend time with me. I asked him what was wrong and all he says is that he is tired. I must note he works one full time job and gets home and does nothing while I on the other hand have 2 jobs, a full time job and a part time job putting in atleast a good 120 hours every two weeks. I always try spending as much time as I can with him but it seems he doesn't want the same. Just yesterday he came home happy telling me he is getting a promotion and that he can finally get me out of working. It confuses me that he is so cold yet it seems he cares. I dont know what to do and make him feel in love with me again and want to spend time with me again. Btw his Fav hobby is videos games and I already tried playing games with him and that didn't work out. Sounds like a challenge! Listen to the episode to find out how we answered the question! Image courtesy of Flickr under the Creative Commons license.

Introduction to the OnlyYouForever Podcast and Your Hosts, Caleb & Verlynda Simonyi-Gindele May 16, 2014

Show notes

The Origins of OnlyYouForever: Only You Forever is actually a love song… written by Caleb for Verlynda. It was written on a highway in Montana while we drove into the sunset (insert "happy memories" sigh here) on the way to a family vacation in Yellowstone. The Goal of OnlyYouForever Our taglines state that our purpose is “to build thriving, passionate marriages”. Just because you married the perfect someone doesn’t guarantee marital bliss! Marriage is something that needs to be worked on whether you’ve had a great marriage so far or have hit a really hard place or are somewhere in between there. OnlyYouForever will give you the tools to rock your marriage and make it awesome! As your hosts, we are committed to delivering “no fluff” content. We are intentional, focused, and cut to the point. We won’t waste your time with long, blathering episodes! Also, no part of marriage is too sacred or taboo to be discussed. But we want to talk about the part of marriage that matters to you. Share your burning questions and curiosities about marriage by using our Speakpipe service or our Questions form. Your Hosts Caleb has a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy and is a Registered Clinical Counsellor. He’s got a lovely bald head which his wife and daughters love! Verlynda has a heart for others which is huge. She is definitely the extrovert in the marriage, and Caleb appreciates her for her practicality and insight. As an aside, we shared a chuckle over a comment in a great book. The book deals with, amidst other things, the subject of birth order. It's called Family Ties That Bind by Richardson. This book quotes, regarding the youngest daughter in a family (which Verlynda is), that “her poorest choice of husband is usually the youngest brother of brothers [which Caleb is]…neither of them want to be responsible for running a household or parenting”. While this book has a lot of great information, we are glad to be at least one exception to this rule! The Content of the OnlyYouForever Podcast We will base the show on a blend of ancient wisdom and current research. Caleb is an avid researcher and wants to include a lot of that hard work that has been done in the field of couple dynamics. Our faith is also important to us so we will speak out of a Christian, Biblically-informed worldview. So, that’s how OnlyYouForever got started, what we hope to accomplish and little about ourselves! We're so happy that you've visited our website and we hope that you'll subscribe to our email list to stay up to date on our latest episodes. Remember, your real-life marriage questions are important! Others will be blessed when you send them in and they hear them answered on our podcast. You can send in your marriage questions using our Speakpipe service or our Q&A form. Image courtesy of jakeandlindsay under the Creative Commons license.

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