Married People Podcast

Latest Episodes:

MP 099: How Do I Lower My Chances of Divorce by 31% and Increase Happiness by a third? (Interview with Dr. Les Parrott) Dec 04, 2020

Today we hear from the person who posed and answers that question - Dr. Les Parrott. Les works with his wife, Leslie, to empower marriages all over the world. Dr. Parrott is a renowned psychologist, his wife is a marriage and family therapist and they’re both New York Times bestselling authors. They’ve been featured in USA Today, The New York Times and many others. Les is brilliant on so many levels, this is going to be a great conversation!

Interview:

You’ve been interviewed a lot, but what people really want to know is what it was like to be on Oprah (1:18)
What’s it like for two psychologists to be married? (3:31)
What does this season look like for you and Leslie? (6:47)
What are some of the things you’re seeing with couples that is unique to this season we’re going through? (8:47)
What are some of the positive things you’ve seen couples experience during this time? (12:34)
You brought up the question - how do I lower my chances of divorce by 31% and increase happiness by a third? Can you dive into that? (15:03)
Is this assessment one of those moments where the truth will set you free? (21:28)
An action plan comes with the Better Love assessment. Tell us about that. (25:16)
Each week we leave people with one simple thing. What would you tell them to do? (31:35)

RESOURCES:

Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts

Better Love

We’d love to connect with you on Instagram or Facebook!

This episode was brought to you by the Married People Membership—an affordable, monthly subscription that provides married couples like you a ton of great resources every month to help you do marriage better. That means new date nights, videos, eBooks, messages, and more available to you when you need it - all in one place at one low price. Go to our website to find out more about the Married People Membership.

We hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 098: How Do We Make Our Marriage Work As A Blended Family? Oct 24, 2020

I’ve invited my friend Ron Deal to tackle this question with us. Ron is a licensed marriage and family therapist and is one of the most widely read experts on blended families in the country. He’s the founder of Smart Step Families, the director of Family Life Blended and the creator and author of numerous books on step family living. He and his wife, Nan, have three sons and live in Little Rock, Arkansas. Ron Deal is a wealth of knowledge and has an amazing heart. Join us for this conversation

Interview:

What has COVID looked like at the Deal house? (1:42)
How many families or marriages are impacted by being blended families? (2:54)
You did not grow up in a step family. Where did your passion for this come from? (5:08)
We need to get real on the tension. When we hear ‘blended family’ we often think Brady Bunch. Is that how they work? (6:40)
What are some of the common family dilemmas a blended family may be facing? (11:45)
A lot of divorced parents get remarried and they’re doing well. But the kids are the ones feeling like they’re tossed all over the place. Talk to that family. (17:38)
I read in your book with Gary Chapman - The 7 Blended Family Principles For Loving Well. Can you share those with us? (26:40)
As a step child, what is it like for their parent to take up for the step-parent? (32:04)
What are some other blended family principles? (36:57)
What is one simple thing blended families could do in the middle of chaos? (45:19)
We’re going to give some books away - leave your info in the comments! (47:47)

RESOURCES:

The Smart Step Family

Building Love Together in Blended Families

Smart Stepfamilies

Family Life Blended

Ron Deal’s website

We’d love to connect with you on Instagram or Facebook!

We hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 097: How Do I Connect With My Spouse When We Both Feel Flooded From a Pandemic? Oct 09, 2020

To help us explore this question, I interview Tim and Pam Elmore. Tim has written a book called The Pandemic Population. Dr. Tim Elmore is the founder and president of Growing Leaders. While Tim was becoming an expert in how to lead the next generation, Pam was putting in the hours in the field of leading their two kids. Tim and Pam have an amazing way of taking research and making it practical and hopeful. I know this is going to really enlighten you.

Interview:

What does it look like at the Elmore house during pandemic times? (1:23)
You say there’s some amazing research about why this is such a tough time for couples. What are you finding in your research? (2:24)
Tim, what’s going on in our brains right now? (4:08)
Do you ever feel like you’re having moments of an out of body experience? (5:18)
Pam, do you have a story for our neuroscientist friends? (7:20)
What do you guys think about all the structure that’s been removed - does that play any role in this? (11:34)
Give me a couple examples of what these things could look like for couples (15:40)
What’s the difference between accepting that these are tough times and normalizing it, versus not taking action? (18:50)
Pam, it also feels like guys are fixers and I keep forgetting that during this time. Are you that way - do you just want to feel this instead of being ‘guided’? (20:45)
Things are so emotional right now, I think if we can figure out how to practice marriage right now we can have opportunities to try things again. We haven’t had this much tension back-to-back in a long time (25:40)
From a faith perspective, how do you see God in the middle of all this chaos? (27:32)
We always want to make marriage real, fun and simple. Can you guys speak to the folks listening who don’t have hope right now? (33:30)
It feels like we’re triggering each other a lot during these days. Talk to those of us who are in flight or fight mode - what do they do in that moment when they get triggered that will lead to growth later and not damage? (39:36)

RESOURCES:

Growing Leaders

The Pandemic Population: Eight Strategies to Help Generation Z Rediscover Hope After Coronavirus

We’d love to connect with you on Instagram or Facebook!

We hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 096: Do Politics Have To Be Divisive To My Marriage and Other Close Relationships? Sep 25, 2020

This may be one of the most sensitive questions we’ve tackled on this podcast. But let me give you some good news when it comes to handling faith and politics in this conversation with Sarah Anderson on her view and approach to this topic. Regardless of where you land politically, I’m so excited she’s able to have that conversation with us. Sarah is a writer and speaker and she currently lives in Roswell, GA with her husband and two boys. Because we’re a podcast devoted to marriage, I’ve invited her husband Rodney to join us for this conversation.

Interview:

Sarah, talk a little bit about your story - where you grew up and all that stuff (2:34)
Rodney, what about you? Give us a little about your growing up (4:13)
I know what people are wanting to know now - politically are you two on the same page? (6:21)
Sarah, your story is unique and this attitude I hear from you is so fresh and countercultural. But this was birthed long ago when your views started evolving and changing. Take us back to the story of when you started shifting away from your family of origin (9:45)
You hit a point of crisis where you didn’t know if you could vote or not vote and you called your parents. (12:37)
I’ll ask you this - you said you felt like you had to tell them. What was that birthed out of? (16:15)
What is the Jesus-like response in the moments where your convictions take you to anger? (25:32)
What’s the line between people who are not going to listen and people who are just brutal. What do you say to those folks? (30:15)
What about those listening who say, “this feels really complicated - I’m never going to change their mind and they’re not going to change mine. Why bring it up?” (33:13)
You guys share a story I’d love for you to share - about a moment you had about whether to wrap Santa gifts or not to wrap Santa gifts (36:23)
I feel like what you’re talking about is throughout the whole book - let’s keep the relationship the most important thing (43:12)

RESOURCES:

The Space Between Us: How Jesus Teaches Us To Live Together When Politics And Religion Tear Us Apart

We’d love to connect with you on Instagram or Facebook!

We hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 095: How Does Parenting Adult Children Impact My Empty Nester Marriage? Sep 18, 2020

There is no one on the planet I’d rather you hear from on this question than Dr. Jim Burns. Jim is the president of Homeword He speaks all over the world and wrote the book Doing Life With Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut & The Welcome Mat Out. Jim and his wife Cathy live in Southern California and have three grown daughters and two grandchildren. Whether you’re an empty nester or not, you’re going to get a lot of encouragement out of this conversation with Dr. Jim Burns.

Interview:

One of the questions we get is that people hear a lot about navigating life with littles or teens, but there’s not a ton of stuff out there about empty nesters. Talk to us a little about the tensions empty nesters feel (2:10)
I’ve heard you say before that you and Cathy have a “high maintenance marriage”. What does that mean and how does that tie into being an empty nester? (4:37)
Speak to the empty nesters where the kids have left and they’re trying to find their way as a couple (8:46)
What are some of the questions or topics you would give to an empty nester couple to ask each other? (14:53)
We talk a lot on this podcast about ‘micro moves’ - tiny things that mean big things. It may even be asking if you’ve affirmed your spouse lately (22:06)
Our question is “how does parenting adult children impact my empty nester marriage?” How does parenting adult children create tensions? (25:36)
I’ve seen a lot of couples need permission to not bring things up or to let things go (28:58)
How does having your kids move back in with you impact couples? (30:36)
I’ve heard you say that adult children hear opinions as advice - is that right? (34:40)
What do you say to the couple who says they made an agreement with the kids, and they see their spouse become lenient about it (or the other way around)? (35:51)
You have so many principles and you’ve talked about so many amazing things but if you’re speaking to empty nesters, what is one simple thing they could do today? (40:08)
If you were to point empty nesters to one of your resources, which one would that be? (41:19)

RESOURCES:

Doing Life With Your Adult Children

We’d love to connect with you on Instagram or Facebook!

We hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 094: How do I handle my spouse’s pet peeves? [RE AIR] Sep 11, 2020

What do we do when our spouse is doing something that’s driving us crazy? One of the definitions we found is, "minor complaint or irritation that’s more annoying to you than anyone else." We’re not talking about deeper level things, just those little things that drive you nuts.

We found a list of the most common pet peeves:

Toilet seat left up
Driving distracted by electronic devices
Empty cartons put back in the fridge
Leaving clothes on the floor or on a chair in the bedroom
Whistling
Your spouse telling the same joke over and over and expecting you to laugh
Leaving trash in the car
Not asking for directions or using the GPS
Falling asleep on the sofa instead of going to bed
Not putting your keys in the place where you go to get the keys
Chewing with your mouth open at the table
Chronic lateness
Taking the covers at night
Squeezing the toothpaste from the wrong part of the tube
Leaving stuff in your clothes pockets when it goes to the laundry

Ted and Nancie Lowe Text Exchange

Ted: We are talking about pet peeves on the podcast tomorrow. What is something I do that drives you nuts? This is the minor stuff, not the big stuff.
Nancie: That sounds like a question designed to hurt somebody’s feelings (especially mine).
Ted: You don’t have any and I’m not mentioning them. But I can mention my own.... so what are they my love.
Nancie: You break rules.
Ted: That hurts my feelings.

So what do we actually do with pet peeves?

A lot of times there is ‘Misattribution’ - This is when you attribute something to the wrong thing or person. You aren’t really the frustration with your spouse; you are frustrated by work and yet attribute to your spouse. It’s thinking, “I feel all this because of them”, not realizing your ‘tank of frustration’ may already be full and it comes out on these small things.
On the opposite side is ‘Affective Association’. They did a study where they brought in couples over a few weeks and showed one group images of their spouse interspersed with beautiful things. The other group saw their spouse and then a slide show of neutral images. All the people who saw the first slide show ranked their marriage higher than when they started.

The Truth: How we handle pet peeves matters because silly fights can cause serious damage.

Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

You can choose to let a pet peeve go or you can talk to them in a way that is loving and encouraging. We all know we do some things that drive our spouse crazy and we want to be treated this way. How you do this depends on your relationship – it may be playful or more serious. For some people, the humor really helps. For others it may just be talking about it in a softer way.

Your one simple thing for this week: When it comes to your spouse’s pet peeves, there are some things you can drop and some things you have to say. But do both in truth and grace. You could start by asking your spouse for one thing that you do that drives them crazy. Then be brave enough to take it.

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

Finally, we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 093: How Do I Enjoy My Marriage In the Middle Of Adoption/Foster Care? (Interview with Ben and Kim Nunes) Sep 04, 2020

Nancie and I adopted a few years ago and we’re not alone. 6-10 million Americans have had personal experience with adoption and 100 million people in the U.S. have adoption in their immediate family. On any given day there are 428,000 children in foster care. Unfortunately, more than 60% of those kids spend 2-5 years in the system before being adopted. We want to say thank you for caring for the ‘least of these’ and for using your home to provide stability for children who don’t have it. We also know that adoption can put a lot of strain on a marriage and we’re going to dive into that today.

Interview:

Today my interview is with Ben and Kim Nunes (1:25)
I’d love for you to share a little bit about your story (3:00)
So you guys were struggling in your marriage, what are some of the things that shifted? (4:33)
At what point were you in this process before adoption becomes a consideration? (7:33)
You guys are filling out the applications, talking to agencies, then what happens? (9:53)
How was this impacting you as a couple? Was it drawing you together? Pushing you apart? (13:42)
So you get the call. How long from then until he was home at your house? (19:17)
So what does this do to you guys as a couple and in your marriage? (21:22)
Ben, was it hard for you to see your wife going through the roughest time of her life? (23:39)
So Kim, you’re going through all these things. I watched with Nancie that her struggles were all paired with guilt. Did you feel those things? (27:54)
You’re sitting across from a couple and they’re considering fostering or adoption. What is one thing you’d tell them to do? (32:13)
Now talk to someone who has just brought a foster child home (32:41)
What is one simple thing couples can do when life is chaotic? (35:23)
Kim, talk a little about the work you’re doing in the foster and adoption space (38:01)
How can people find out more about what you’re doing and how they can learn some of these things? (39:38)

RESOURCES:

TBRI

The Connected Child

We’d love to connect with you on Instagram or Facebook!

We hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 092: How do we keep our marriage together when the world’s falling apart? (with Montell And Kristin Jordan) Aug 28, 2020

On the day of this podcast recording, we’re still in the middle of a lot of chaos. There are so many stressors and changes all at once, so it’s understandable that there may be tension in your marriage. Or maybe you’ve used this time to get closer and you’re loving the togetherness. Or maybe this time has helped you remember how important your marriage is.

But no matter where you find your marriage, the struggles are real during all this. Let’s talk about this question with our guests— Montell and Kristin Jordan. You may remember them from the #1 hit song, “This Is How We Do It”.

You’re going to love these two as they share their story and answer the question How Do We Keep Our Marriage Together When The World’s Falling Apart?

Interview:

Montell and Kristin Jordan are my guests on the podcast today (1:16)
Tell people a little about your story (4:46)
So you guys met pre-Jesus, fast forward us to when you’re a producer and he’s a recording artist (7:53)
Talk a little about the song, “This Is How We Do It”. That was a huge success and a moment for you guys. (10:10)
You guys went from recording artists to pastors - what was that journey like? (13:08)
I want to rewind a little bit and talk about this idea of the counterfeit lifestyle (18:33)
You guys are very transparent - what were some of the trials in your marriage during this time? (23:18)
What was the turning point for you guys? (28:04)
Talk a little about what God has done through this decision to lay it all down (33:43)
What is one simple thing people can do right now? (41:40)
Tell people where they can find out more about you (47:50)

Resources

This Is How We Do It Book

montellandkristin.com

Instagram

Facebook

We’d love to connect with you on Instagram or Facebook!

We hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 091: Is it possible to have serious fun when things are so serious? Aug 21, 2020

Today Ted Cunningham joins us to talk about this question. Ted is a pastor, speaker, comedian and author. He has been married to his wife, Amy, for 21 years and they have two teenagers.

When it comes to having fun in your marriage, I don't think there’s a better expert in the country than Ted. The things Ted encourages you to aren’t big things, but they make a big difference!

Interview:

The thing I’ve loved about being friends with you over the years is that we are both fans of laughter and fun in marriage. Can you talk a little about that? (1:54)
Was laughter something that brought you and Amy together? (3:48)
Why do you think some couples choose to laugh about things and others live in tension all the time? What’s the difference between those couples? (8:50)
Talk to people who feel like it’s inappropriate to be silly or fun right now (14:17)
The biggest thing I hear from couples is, “We can’t have fun because we have an unresolved issue.” What would you say to that couple? (18:40)
I know there are people who feel like they don’t even know what fun is even more. If you could tell couples one thing to go and do, what would you say? (22:11)
Ted, thank you for your work. Tell people where to find you and what book they should read of yours (32:22)

Links:

A Love That Laughs Book

Fun Loving You Book

Woodhills Church

We’d love to connect with you on Instagram or Facebook!

MP 090: Is it possible to change the world, stay in love, and raise a healthy family? Aug 14, 2020

Today’s topic is actually the subtitle of André and Jeff Shinabarger’s book called Love Or Work. This book and interview led to some great questions for myself (Ted) and my wife Nancie and I’m sure it will for you and your spouse! Join us as we dive in on this topic.

Interview:

I would love if you would tell our listeners a little about yourselves (1:00)
The thing that excited me about this book is that you guys got specific on a topic that couples may not even know they need to talk about. What was the tension in your own story that made you want to write this book? (2:21)
So someone called you and said, “Come get an Airstream”. Tell us a little about that story and how that connects to the idea of love and work (7:22)
André, talk a little about your passion as an individual (11:34)
You guys had so many tweetable moments in this book. Talk a little about the journey to get to where you are today that is so healthy (15:18)
Your communication style seems to be blunt. How do you start having these types of conversations? (18:35)
You guys talk a lot in the book about affirming each other’s giftedness. Share a little about that (21:26)
André, there’s a point in the book when you talk about encouraging Jeff to do the next thing and it meant a lot to Jeff. Can you describe that a little bit? (24:30)
When you saw the research, what were a couple things that our listeners should know or wouldn’t have seen coming? (27:00)
Why do you think so many people have a hard time being for their spouse? (30:15)
I imagine that a lot of people are where you guys are - they both have big dreams. Talk a little bit to couples who are in different places with their dreams (33:30)
I see some things in my wife that she is so great at but she doesn’t necessarily see. What do you say to that? (44:50)
Tell people where they can find out more about you and the book (49:49)
If you could have couples do one thing, what would it be? (50:20)

RESOURCES:

Love Or Work Book

Love Or Work Instagram

We’d love to connect with you on Instagram or Facebook!

We hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 089: How do I love my spouse during times of sickness and health? (with Kellee and Stuart Hall) Jul 11, 2020

When it comes to serving people in ministry, Stuart and Kellee are a power couple. They wouldn’t want us to say that but it’s true! Stuart serves as the Director of Student Leadership for Orange. He deeply desires to fuel the next generation and speaks to a ton of students, leaders, coaches and parents. Kellee Hall is the founder and director of The Echo Group. Kellee and Stuart are the parents of three adult children. They are some of the most genuine people and we’re so happy for you to hear from them. Join us as we hear their story.

RESOURCES: The Seven Checkpoints For Student Leaders Max Q Student Journal We’d love to connect with you on Instagram or Facebook! This episode was brought to you by the Married People Membership—an affordable, monthly subscription that provides married couples like you a ton of great resources every month to help you do marriage better. That means new date nights, videos, eBooks, messages, and more available to you when you need it - all in one place at one low price. Go to our website to find out more about the Married People Membership.

MP 088: How does racism impact marriages and families of color? Jun 15, 2020

The real truth for black couples is that racism has an impact on everything, including marriage. Jackie and Stephana Bledsoe join us to share their stories of racism growing up and even now as they raise their own family. They also share the hope of what happens when we stand for and with people of color.

MP 087: How do I protect my marriage from COVID-19? Apr 07, 2020

You may have googled your way to this podcast because you want to protect your marriage from “all this.” Good job, we have good news.

MP 086: Why should I move into a van with my spouse? (with Chris & Sara Pochiba) Aug 28, 2019

For this episode, we’re exploring a slightly unusual question—why should you move into a van with your spouse? And that’s our topic because Ted recently had a conversation with a couple who recently uprooted their lives and now live in a decked-out Sprinter van traveling all over the country. They’ve learned some important things about their marriage and we can all learn from their experience.

Links

Let’s Be Us website: https://letsbe.us
Let’s Be Us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/letsbe_us/
Chris on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrispochiba/
Sara on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sara_aho/
Chris’ website: https://chrispochiba.com/
Sara’s website: https://www.saraaho.com/
YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/letsbe_us
Holy Hustle: https://holyhustle.co/

Interview Can you tell us how you met?

Chris: We met five years ago when we were both bicycling across America. We were biking from Seattle to New York City to raise money for refugees in Thailand. We fell in love—you know, because of all the spandex. We were team leaders and with all the other people there we didn’t want them to know there were feelings growing so we kept it a secret.

Sara: I was still living in Athens, GA and Chris was in Raleigh, NC. After I graduated, I moved up to Raleigh and we dated another year and then got married.

Why did you guys decide to elope instead of having a big wedding?

We wanted to move out west to Seattle, where we officially met. Both Sara and I like big parties and don’t like big parties at the same time. So eloping felt right to us. It felt intimate.

We climbed a mountain in our wedding clothes with a photographer. There’s a lake at the top of the mountain and we baptized each other there to start off the marriage. We missed having our families there but it was very us.

Can you tell us about your current living arrangements?

We live in a van, but not down by the river. We transitioned from living in a stationary apartment to an 80 square feet Mercedes Sprinter van. It looks like a FedEx truck on the outside. We do need to make it clear—it’s by choice, not by lack of work or something like that.

What made you guys decide to live in a van?

We’d been saving money for a while; some of it had been for wedding money. We’d been in Seattle for a while but had landlord issues and we weren’t buying there anytime soon. We’d been talking about doing this and we just bit the bullet and did it.

What about your personalities played into your decision?

Chris: We’re both adventurous and like trying new things. We weren’t ready to settle down and buy a house. From an Enneagram standpoint, Sara is a 7, the adventurous type. I’m a 9, which is the peacemaker. I think that compliments each other—she’s always pushing and it gets me out of my comfort zone.

Sara: And he keeps me level headed and makes sure we’re grounded.

How did you get rid of enough stuff to move into a van?

Chris: We moved before that Netflix show, Marie Kondo, came out. Everything we had brought us joy, for me at least. We went through and made a designated area of essential items. The rest we decided to sell and make some money.

Sara: We didn’t know how long the van thing was going to last, so some of our bigger items we put in storage. We also kept all of our books. If there was any tension, it’s because I’m a big collectible guy and we compromised on those things.

How are you continuing to work from the road?

Chris: A lot of savings ahead of time. But we also work full time from the road. I do a lot of branding and graphic design and have been able to work from anywhere. My work allows me to travel and the van just put that to the test.

Sara: Before we lived in a van, I was growing a photography business. It’s been hard in the van, but in some ways it’s allowed us to grow our business jointly. I’ve been using those skills to grow our YouTube channel.

Why did you decide to document your journey on YouTube?

We had been on the road a few months and we were at a campground at Disney World. An older couple was there who had a YouTube channel about following their dog around on their travels. If they had one, we needed one, too. We recorded our first episode that day, and now we’ve surpassed 2.5 million views.

What have been some of your favorite experiences?

We actually have a YouTube video going up today about our favorite experiences so far. This summer we drove up to Alaska and at the end we drove up to the Arctic Ocean. It was like 500 miles each way on a gravel road and we saw grizzlies. It was a really fun adventure.

In the town of Bellingham in Washington, the director of the downtown association reached out to us to offer a tour. We went out and had coffee with him and for the next three days he gave us a behind the scenes tour. Our impression of a town after we leave always comes down to how the people were. One place that stands out is that we really like the people in Maine—it was an awesome experience for us.

What has been peoples’ reaction when you tell them you live in a van?

Sara: I think we were more nervous about Chris’s family. My family took us van shopping when they found out. But everyone has been really supportive and not that surprised.

How has this living situation impacted your marriage?

The thing about living in a van is you have really high highs and really low lows. Alaska for us was just awful. It was fun but for us relationally it was not great. When we were driving back and decided to go to the Arctic Ocean, it was the complete opposite. We’d never been more supportive of each other.

In Alaska, we had really high expectations because there’s a lot of hype around Alaska. The weather was rough and the mosquitos were out of control. It was all these little things adding up. We did enjoy the state but the produce from the grocery store would be rotten by the time we tried to eat it. It was all these elements adding up and it was tense—a combination of circumstances and expectations.

What principles have you learned no matter where you live?

There are other ways you can do cool things without having to live in a van. You can take it one step at a time. You both have to be on the same page no matter what the adventure is. It’s natural to have one person be more balanced, but if one of you is all in and the other is not, it’s not going to be healthy for your marriage. You guys are a team and that’s what it comes down to—playing as a team.

Your one simple thing this week

Chris: Put down the phone (or whatever you’re working on) and make eye contact with your spouse while you’re talking.

Sara: Be intentional to seek new experiences together that only you can share.

Show Closing

This episode was brought to you by the Married People Membership—an affordable, monthly subscription that provides married couples like you a ton of great resources every month to help you do marriage better. That means new date nights, videos, eBooks, messages, and more available to you when you need it—all in one place at one low price. Go to our website to find out more about the Married People Membership.

MP 085: How can we make our anniversary matter? Aug 21, 2019

One of the cool things about the membership is at-home date nights. Isn’t that great? Go to our website to find out more about the Married People Membership.

This week on the podcast, we’re talking about wedding anniversaries. What do we do with them? How do we make the most of them? There’s always some pressure when it comes to our anniversary regarding how much to spend, expectations, etc.

What do you do for your anniversary?

Afton: Every anniversary we go on a trip and that is the gift. Then we write each other a card but sometimes I forget the card.
CJ: We do the same thing, but I try not to forget the card. We take a trip every October.
Ted: I try to do a fun little gift for every anniversary or a short trip. But let me tell you about our worst anniversary. I was working with a church doing marriage retreats and planned one for April 22nd, which is our anniversary. It didn’t hit me until I was about to walk on stage and I told her, “I forgot our anniversary” and she replied, “I did, too.”. So I got that one pass but it still makes me twitch.

Tips For a Great Anniversary 1. Don’t forget it

Put it on your calendar and set a reminder for a few weeks before.

2. Plan ahead

Don’t wait until the last minute to plan a trip or buy a gift.

3. Agree on expectations

For some couples an anniversary means a trip and for some it means pizza. They’re both great as long as you agree on expectations ahead of time.

4. Get lucky

Intimacy means different things at different stages, but it’s a time to connect romantically.

5. Reminisce about your wedding

Take some time to think back on your wedding day and other memories. Pull out your wedding album or re-watch your wedding video.

6. Start a tradition

Are there little fun things you’re always going to do? Watch the same movie, go back to where you got married, put your best memory from the year in a box.

Your one simple thing this week

Choose one tradition or one surprise and get ahead of it for your anniversary.

Want even more ideas? Read this blog article about making the most of your anniversary.

Show Closing

We’d love to know your traditions or your #anniversaryfails – let us know on Instagram or Facebook!

That means new date nights, videos, eBooks, messages, and more available to you when you need it - all in one place at one low price. Go to our website to find out more about the Married People Membership.

MP 084: How do I keep my marriage from getting stale? Aug 14, 2019

When marriage is stale, it’s not fun for anyone. We all know what it’s like when your marriage gets into a rut. So how do we keep our marriage from getting there?

How do you know when your marriage is getting stale?

Afton: My husband loves routine. When things are out of whack that’s when he’s most miserable and makes him anxious.

CJ: I would agree—we have a routine in our marriage. But when we’re stuck in that routine too long or start skipping things that are usually in our marriage routine we get in a rut.

Ted: For us it’s when we’re too busy and haven’t had any fun.

When we got married we wanted to have a great, full marriage. Then life happens. There’s work, home, kids, differences. Married people get serious and things get more complicated and often people don’t think to work on their marriage unless it’s broken.

Replace the word marriage with something else

First, the word ‘marriage’ often comes with baggage. What if we replaced the word ‘marriage’ with ‘love’? And what does that have to do with keeping our marriage from getting stale?

The reputation of marriage is that it is stale. But what would it look like if we went back to what we wanted before we got married?

Your one simple thing this week:

For the next seven days, do one small loving thing for them each day… or just pick one and do that. You may have your own ideas, if not, here are a few to get you started:

Monday: Leave a love note your spouse will find when you are not around
Tuesday: Ask your spouse, “What is one thing I can do to help you today?” Then do it
Wednesday: Pay your spouse a compliment
Thursday: Buy them a small gift
Friday: Say something great about your spouse in front of someone else
Saturday: Do one chore your spouse normally does
Sunday: Make a list of five things that make your spouse great

Warning: Believe it or not, these things can start a fight—especially if you do it expecting them to reciprocate. Do it because you are committed and not because you expect anything back.

Show Closing

We’d love to know what you decided to do for your spouse – let us know on Instagram or Facebook!

MP 083: How should I respond to my spouse’s silly mistakes? Aug 06, 2019

That means new discussion questions, date nights, studies, graphics, and more available to you when you need it - all in one place at one low price. Go to our website to find out more about the Married People Membership.

For this episode, we’re not talking about big, weighty issues. We’re talking about little points of tension or mistakes and how that impacts your marriage. How we respond to those things is so important to set the tone of our relationships.

Examples of Silly Mistakes

Breaking a dish or decorative nick knack
Spilling a drink in the car
Putting an empty milk jug back in the refrigerator
Getting a story or joke wrong
Coming home from work later than they told you
Forgetting to bring your son’s baseball glove to practice
Misplacing their phone for the 100th time
Forgetting to stop by the grocery store on the way home
Buying the wrong type of deodorant

CJ: For us, a silly mistake is how much space I leave between dishes in the dishwasher. Teri told me she has to redo it every time.

Afton: Every time we go to an Airbnb, there’s no dishwasher so we have to hand wash the dishes. And every time, Hudson breaks a glass.

Ted: I’m the one who does all the things on this list.

What is the right way to handle these mistakes?

Here is why this is important:

The way we respond to our spouse’s mistakes sets the tone for the deeper issues
It determines if our spouse is going to know grace on a daily basis.

Questions to ask yourself

When it comes to how you respond to your spouses’ silly mistakes, would you want to be married to you?
Is this is an issue of heart or habit?

Colossians 3:13 (NLT) “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”

Your one simple thing this week:

Either ask your spouse, “what is one thing I do that bothers you?” Or when your spouse does something that annoys you ask yourself, “Is this an issue of heart or habit?”

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We’d love for you to go on Instagram or Facebook and let us know what you think!

MP 082: How do our personalities impact our marriage? Jul 31, 2019

Chances are you have experienced this: you and your spouse have an exchange that leads to hurt feelings and conflict. At the end of that exchange, you find yourself thinking: ‘my spouse took that completely out of context. I feel totally misunderstood. What just happened?’

Opposites often attract, but sometimes when opposites get married they clash. There are a lot of dynamics that fuel disagreements, but personality differences are toward the top of the list. We thought it might be fun for our listeners to wrap their brains around the personality continuum and where you and your spouse are on the spectrum.

1. Perceiving

This is how you perceive the things that come toward you in life. Here are the two ends of the spectrum:

Minimizer

Few things are a big deal to them. When troubles come they think, “Oh well, it will just pass.”

The disadvantage of being a Minimizer is that things have to be really big or bad for them to take action.
The advantage of being a Minimizer is that they are easy going, tending not to create unnecessary drama or chaos.

Maximizer

They tend to make everything a big deal. Using words like “everything,” “never” and “always.” Typically they want more of something—more love, more passion, more everything.

The disadvantage of being a Maximizer is that can create unnecessary tension.
The advantage is that nothing slips up on a maximizer. They want to take care of problems as they come.

2. Processing

This personality type is how your process information and come to conclusions. Here are the two ends of the spectrum:

Insider

They are very contemplative and thoughtful.

The disadvantage of being an Insider is they think they have shared more than they have. Saying things like, “I thought I told you that.”
The advantage of Insiders is that actually think more than they speak, which I’m pretty sure is biblical.

Outsider

They think out loud. They talk to think.

The disadvantage of being an Outsider is that they say hurtful things they really don’t mean.
The advantage of Outsiders is that they want to talk things out and get things out in the open.

3. Responding

This personality type is how you respond to information. Here are the two ends of the spectrum:

Satisfier

Wants to keep connected with their spouse by telling them what they think they want to hear.

The disadvantage of being a Satisifer is that they can be passive aggressive. The mouth may be saying yes, but their heart is saying no, and one day it shows up, often in unproductive ways.
The advantage of being a Satisifer is they are outwardly focused, because they have to really listen to their spouse’s needs to know how to satisfy them.

Resister

When they hear new information, they say, “Whoa, what do you mean by that?” Another term for the Resister is a “devil’s advocate.”

The disadvantage of being is a Resister is they often make their spouse feel rejected.
The advantage of being a Resister is that tend to want to make more balanced decisions by looking at both sides of the issue. They aren’t always saying no, it just takes them a while to get to the yes.

Your one simple thing this week

When you encounter the disadvantage of your spouse’s personality traits, you can take it a little less personally. Also, the next time you encounter the advantages of your spouse’s personality type, you can affirm them.

As for your own personality traits, I suggest you try to pull yourself somewhere nearer the middle of the spectrum, especially if you spouse has the opposite of that trait.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better. We’d love for you to go on Instagram or Facebook and let us know what you think!

Go to our website to find out more about the Married People Membership.

MP 081: How can I have a passion for my career and my spouse? (with Dana Spinola) Jul 24, 2019

We’ve got a special guest lined up for this episode—the CEO of Fabrik, Dana Spinola. She’s helping us answer the question: ‘How can I have a passion for my career and my spouse?’

Fabrik is a clothing boutique based in Atlanta, with over 40 stores around the country. Dana started the company in 2002.

She and her husband Angelo have four children, including their daughter, who they adopted from Ethiopia. She’s also published a book called Love What You Do about finding passion and purpose in your work and life.

Interview

How did you and your husband meet?

I was out celebrating the start Fabrik. My girlfriends had taken me out and I was just coming off a breakup. I look across the restaurant and saw this guy out with ten other guys—it was like lawyers night out.

I went across the room to his group and said “Excuse me, I’m going to marry you.” He says that there was something attractive about the confidence I had when I approached him with marriage. We dated for a few years before we got married. We decided to get married the first night, but our years of dating validated that.

Where did your love of fashion begin?

It’s crazy to think that one of the best gifts my parents gave me was not having a lot of money. My mom made our clothing growing up. So our Saturdays were spent at the fabric store. She was also an interior designer, so she sometimes picked up sofas on the side of the road to take home and recover. My dad was the same, he was always painting and creating.

Why did you found your company, Fabrik?

The name is literally from the dictionary—it’s just the phonetic spelling of fabric. I love the essence of it being fabric, because that’s what clothing starts from. The other thing that was really important to me was everything being under $100. I had never been able to shop in a boutique growing up and the idea of walking in and being able to purchase anything was off my radar.

So I thought, what if I could create a place that everyone could shop at? I wanted to have really incredible clothing, but keep it affordable. I think that’s why it grew so much. I had no plans of opening more than one store, but my customers were asking for me to open one here and there. I think it was about the high-end experience with affordable prices.

What do you think fashion means for women and men?

When I watch a woman put on something that makes her feel beautiful, it changes her whole energy and spirit. They’re not judging themselves against anything else, they’re just seeing themselves the way God made them. You can watch that happen. There’s something innate in your own style that you’ve got to find.

Why is philanthropy such an important part of Fabrik?

I started this business because I wanted to have a clothing store. I didn’t jump into this for God’s purpose. As I started growing and it started becoming successful, I was also having. People would come up all the time and say, “Congratulations”. They would say that everything was coming together for me. And it hit me—I was growing this personal kingdom and didn’t see how I was helping our world.

We were in church one day and they said something about a mission trip to Haiti. I told my husband that we should go. We slowed down enough to take that trip and left our boys, my company, and my husband’s practice at home. Our hearts would never be the same. We realized that not only would be we adopting but we had to do things that weren’t just our own personal passions. We started our journey to figure out how we could help.

We then took a mission trip to Africa and I took my company. I was journaling on a bus and I wrote down “high style with heart” and I didn’t know what it meant but I knew it would mean something really big. We started our Asher clothing line (named after my daughter) and the proceeds go to orphans in Africa. We’re contributing to them being matched with families.

One of the coolest things has been during job interviews, the biggest question used to be “what’s the clothing discount?” But now it’s, “do I get to volunteer and go on the Africa trips?” To me, it means our heartbeat came alive.

What was the process for adopting your daughter?

Adoption is a crazy process; we started in so many different countries to end up in Ethiopia. My little girl was between 6-8 months and was found wrapped in blankets and left on the side of the road. The police officer who found her said she was screaming and they didn’t know how long she’d been screaming for. That used to make me cry, but now I see someone who didn’t give up.

How have you made a great marriage in the middle of career success?

The coolest thing that I look back on is that Angelo has been a stable force in what he believes God has done with Fabrik. He’s watched what God has done through Fabrik and has always had his arms around it in a big way. His hands have been open the whole time.

The other we’ve done well is bobbed and weaved with each other. When he was working to become a partner at his law firm, and was working until 2 am every night, I was starting the company and we had a newborn. But we’ve been OK because we’ve both had times we’ve had to tap out. It reminds me of those relay races. Now, he has our son’s football practice on his calendar at 4pm as a meeting. We’ve had to schedule things and that’s OK.

How do you schedule time during the week?

I don’t know about you, but organic does not work for us. We’ve scheduled a day date on the calendar every month for the next year and a half. We do have a date during the day because the night gets taken up by life. It is so small, but it’s a game changer.

What was the catalyst in deciding to go to counseling?

The reason we go to counseling is because he’s a man and I’m a woman. I love the idea of someone teaching us how to communicate better! We’re from two different worlds and two different lives and we want to be closer. And sometimes we can’t figure that out on our own.

Your one simple thing this week:

Know the little things that make your spouse happy and do one of them!

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. This episode was brought to you by the Married People Membership—an affordable, monthly subscription that provides married couples like you a ton of great resources every month to help you do marriage better.

That means new date nights, videos, eBooks, messages, and more available to you when you need it—all in one place at one low price. Go to our website to find out more about the Married People Membership.

For more from Dana, check out her website, Instagram or Love What You Do book. You can find out more about Fabrik on their site.

MP 080: #MPminute: Love your Spouse Jul 17, 2019

Last year in the US, we spent $72 billion on wedding ceremonies. While wedding days are special days, marriage is not really about the big day, it's about the every day.

But think about it: we promise our spouse some pretty amazing things in our wedding vows: for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better for worse, till death do us part. We convince another person that they could trust us with their heart for life.

But if our spouse is really going to know kindness on a daily basis, we have to choose to be kind. If our spouse is going to know grace on a daily basis, we have to choose to give them grace. If they're going to know thoughtfulness, laughter, intimacy, and protection, we have to choose to give them these things.

We have to practice what we promise.

The great news is that this plays itself out in really practical ways.

If your spouse loves gifts, buy them one.
If your spouse tends to like sex more often than you, have more sex.
If your spouse loves words of encouragement, write them a note.
If your spouse loves affection, be affectionate with them.
If your spouse wants you to spend time with them, carve out the time.

Whatever it is that speaks love to your spouse, speak it. When we love our spouse, even when they're irrational, even when their baggage creates an unfair tension, even when they're simply not that lovable, it is so powerful for a marriage. It is so powerful to help us to become our best us.

MP 079: #MPminute: Marriage Cycles Jul 10, 2019

As married couples, we can find ourselves in negative cycles of conflict. We argue, and can't seem to get past it. It's easy to think that the answer lies within the details of who was right and who was wrong, but typically, we're not really arguing about what we're arguing about.

It's not really about the towel being left on the floor again. It's not really about her coming home late from work again. It's about something deeper.

Paul reveals this deeper dynamic in Ephesians 5. In verse 22, married couples are commanded to mutually respect each other, because both men and women need and crave respect from their spouse.

Later in the chapter, Paul speaks to wives and husbands separately. Wives are called to unconditionally respect their husbands, and husbands are called to unconditionally love their wives.

Without respect, husbands tend to react without love. Without love, wives tend to react without respect, and around and around we go. That's a negative chase that married couples get into often.

The great news is there's a positive chase. When wives feel loved, they tend to react with respect. When men feel respected, they tend to react with love, and around and around they go. This is a positive chase of respect and love, and it can help us to become our best us.

MP 078: #MPminute Marriage Quality Jul 03, 2019

Most of us think that the quality of our marriage depends solely on our relationship with our spouse. And this is logical, because this is true for most of us.

The condition of our marriage tends to go up and down depending on how well that we're managing our marriage. Obviously, the dynamics between the two of you are important.

But there's another relationship that matters even more—your individual relationship with God. And quite simply, connection with God makes us better spouses.

Things come out of us that even surprise us. Things come out of us that surprise our spouse. What are those things? What happens when we love God first and our spouse second?

Galatians 5:22-23 contains a list of the fruit we bear in our lives when we love God first. These are called the fruit of the spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Those things describe the spouse that most of us want to be. And spending time with God, just like you're doing right now at this moment. . . well done, by the way. . . changes something inside of you that radically impacts what comes out of you.

Putting God first allows you to love your spouse in a way that you could never ever love them on your own. And that helps you to become your best us.

MP 077: #MPminute Having Fun in Marriage Jun 26, 2019

Having fun and intimacy in your marriage—is it essential or is it extra? Sure, we all like fun and intimacy, but it's easy to think that other things in our lives are more important. Things like work, or kids, or chores.

But here's the good news, God views fun and intimacy in our marriage as essential.

We find these views in Proverbs 5, which was authored by Solomon. But Solomon's wisdom is not based on his human ability. In fact, Solomon's own life wasn't a great example of marriage. But the principles and the truths that God spoke through Solomon are wise all the same.

In Proverbs 5, Solomon is warning his son to protect himself and his marriage by staying away from adultery. For 17 verses, Solomon tried to scare the pants on his son. He gave him all the don'ts, but then he gave him a couple of to-do's.

Solomon encourages his son to be captivated by his wife, to rejoice in her always, to be delighted in her. In other words, one of the best ways to protect your marriage is to enjoy it.

The good news is that fun and intimacy is not extra for your marriage. It's essential because it helps you to become your best us.

MP 076: #MPminute Marital Habits Jun 19, 2019

Your marital habits either lead to the connection or disconnection of your us.

How does that statement sit with you? For many of us, it leaves us feeling discouraged. We've had other habits that we've tried to change before and then we've been unsuccessful. Exercising, eating right, staying healthy, or getting organized.

But marital habits are different, because they're relational, which means they're emotional. And therein lies the answer.

For instance, when you decide to laugh off something trivial instead of picking a fight, that's emotional and that matters. When you choose to be tender, when you want to be harsh, that's emotional and that matters.

When you thank your spouse for providing for the family, that's emotional and that matters. When you pause in the morning to pray for your spouse, that's emotional and that matters.

For almost every couple, an unexpected moment of laughter or gentleness, respect, affirmation, or a sexual connection, can trigger a great day for your marriage. Even in tough situations.

When you're intentional about creating these moments on a regular basis, you create marriage habits that can make your marriage better and take it in the right direction. That can help you to become your best us.

MP 075: #MPminute More Awesome, Less Awful Jun 13, 2019

You and your spouse are unique. There's never been another us just like the two of you. You may be thinking, "Oh, we're like a marital snowflake. How romantic." Or you may be thinking, "Thank God there's not another marriage just like ours, because we are a hot mess."

Well, no matter where you're currently finding your us, you can experience more moments of awesome, and less moments of awful, because God gives us clear directions and instructions for our marriage.

When you dive in to see with the Bible has to say about marriage, you find verses that have how-tos and ‘ahas’. When we trust God and follow His instructions for our marriage, we can start to create habits that connect us as a couple.

Maybe your spouse is not really willing or open to do marriage God's way. Be encouraged. While it always takes two to keep a negative cycle going, it often just takes one to stop it.

Here's the great news, you're not the only one who really wants you to have a great marriage. God wants that for you even more. He gives us great instructions on how to have a great us, helping us to have more moments of awesome, and less moments of awful, helping us to become our best us.

INTRODUCING: The Married People Minute Jun 13, 2019

We're trying something new this summer—a shorter episode format that we call the Married People Minute. For the next few weeks, we're releasing some shorter episodes with one simple thing you can do for a better marriage.

MP 074: How can I make my marriage an adventure? (with Dr. Matt Turvey) Jun 05, 2019

Aboutt our Guest

On this episode of the podcast, we’re talking about making your marriage an adventure. Whether you’re preparing to go on an adventure with your spouse or just want to make every day a little more adventurous, you’re going to enjoy this episode.

For the first time ever on the podcast, we’ve got a repeat guest—Dr. Matt Turvey, the director of Winshape Marriage. If you listen to the previous episode with Dr. Turvey, you’ll remember he mentioned number of different retreats they have at Winshape.

One of their most exciting programs is called Marriage Adventures, and for this episode Matt draws on his experience leading those adventures to tell us a little bit more about how we can create more adventures in our own marriage.

Interview Why do you think couples stop having fun when they get married?

Life just happens. Kids happen. I love my kids, but they take a lot of work. Your schedule happens and you forget to prioritize fun. So much happens when you’re having fun with your spouse. You’ve got to be pretty intentional to make it happen.

Why do couples feel guilty about leaving their kids at home?

We want to be so connected so we sometimes think presence is connection. Sometimes you have to be more intentional in how you craft an experience with your kids or spouse. Sometimes parents focus too much on the kids and let the kids make too many decisions.

If you give your kids the ability to make the decisions for your family, it’s probably a lot of stress on the kid. Give them choices they can handle: “Do you want to go here to eat or there to eat?” Sometimes we give our kids so much power and influence in the relationship that we lose power in the relationship.

Why is it important for kids to see their parents having fun?

My wife and I have done a pretty good job of getting away when we need to. It lets our kids know that we are safe, that mom and dad are a team and we’re going to last.

What is the benefit for a couple to go on a retreat or vacation?

Getting away reminds us what’s important. You got married for a reason; you had amazing experiences in the early days when you were dating and newlyweds. Getting away sometimes helps us get a little taste again of the honeymoon. It reminds you that you’re with the right person.

Why is having fun essential to a marriage?

Relationships don’t happen in vacuums, you have to have a relationship face-to-face. Your relationship will be a mirror of how much time and effort you put into it.

Couples that spend good time together—whether that’s conversation, date nights, adventure, vacations—are building up that bank account. I can tell you from experience that when my wife and I have time away together we show up better for each other, for the kids, for the Lord.

Can you tell us about the Marriage Adventures you lead?

At Winshape Marriage, we do three main things—intensives for couples who want a breakthrough, retreats for couples who want a weekend away, and the adventures are the big experiences. They’re typically a week long and places anywhere around the world.

These adventures have an element of journey and an element of challenge. Every day is crafted intentionally around your marriage. It’s an intentional time for you and your spouse to ask questions about each other, to have conversations with each other, and have experiences together you need to have.

How have these adventures helped couples?

A lot of the curriculum around our marriage adventures go back to ancient Christian principles around spiritual direction. The job of adventures is to get couples outside in creation to ask those important questions. We talk about six core principles: a vision for your marriage, truth in your marriage, having a posture of discovery, unity, constancy, and celebration.

Who are the adventures for?

They are not for couples in crisis. If you’re in crisis and you’re hiking a mountain in the Andes, that might push you over the edge. But if you’re in transition or you want to invest in your marriage, it’s a great way to invest in your marriage. We want couples to walk away different from the experience.

What does psychological research say about adventures?

When you get outside your schedule, your body has a biological reset. You get rested, even in the midst of challenge. You get that sense of disequilibrium and you want to figure it out.

But we make it so you solve challenges together. When you’re in ‘the flow’, it’s kind of like a runners’ high. Imagine being in ‘the zone’ with your spouse. It helps you remember things better.

Your one simple thing this week:

When it comes to adventure, couples can just do it. Be intentional about being adventurous with your spouse even in daily things.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review—they help us make the podcast better.

For more from Dr. Matt Turvey, check out his Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. You can find more about Winshape Marriage on their website and the adventures on their site.

MP 073: How can I put purpose around my marriage? (with Nina Schmidgall) May 29, 2019

About Our Guest

For today’s episode, Ted sat down with Nina Schmidgall, the author of Praying Circles Around Your Marriage. Nina serves as Director of Family Ministry at National Community Church (NCC) in Washington DC. Nina’s husband, Joel, is the Executive Pastor at the church. Nina and Joel have been married for 15 years and live on Capitol Hill with their three kids.

I think most of us understand that purpose can be a powerfully important thing in any marriage. But it can be difficult to understand what that means for us practically. So to get a better idea of the role purpose can play in our marriage, take a listen to the conversation with Ted and Nina.

Interview Can you tell our listeners about yourself?

I’m from Washington DC and work at National Community Church. I’m The Director of Family Ministry so I oversee ministry from birth to graduation and support parents as they’re intentional about faith in the home. My husband, Joel, is our executive pastor and together we do work with the couples we walk with.

There are a lot of young professionals in DC so for a long time our church was a lot of singles and young professionals. Now, many of them are getting married. So not only do we get to walk with couples as they prepare for marriage, but also as they run into things in marriage and are looking to navigate them.

I came to DC to work for Congress. Most people don’t realize how young the people who are running our country are. I worked on legislative issues advising the member that I worked for. I always worked on issues that affect the home—the family and education and things that families care about.

I did that for almost a decade and at the same time was part of this tiny church. Over time, as we launched locations and grew, I stepped out of my work in the government. But in some ways my work is very similar, I just do it through the church instead of the legislative system.

What’s unique about doing church and marriage ministry in DC?

Anything that any church or community is facing all over America—you magnify that and make it much louder in DC. Very passionate people live in DC and they carry that into a marriage. What we’ve found is many are hesitant about marriage because they fear it might keep them from doing what they’re passionate about. Or, they step into marriage with another passionate person and that eventually starts to pull against each other.

Another thing that’s unique about DC is that most people who live there are away from their own families. That creates something really beautiful for our church because the community that our church can offer is really beautiful.

How did you and your husband meet?

I grew up in an un-churched home. I had a blended home with a lot of remarriage and broken marriage. From a young age, I had a desire for a lifelong marriage. As I got to dating age, I was unsure if I had the tools for a healthy marriage.

On the other hand, Joel was a pastor’s kid and his parents had an incredible marriage. He had examples all around him of lifelong committed marriages. We dated for three years and did a lot of work on the front end. We did pre-engagement counseling, not just pre-marriage counseling.

We did that to work through our differences in background and history, but also our differences in personality. We are as different as night and day. We stepped into marriage as very different people with very different backgrounds that we had to work through.

What’s it like for a couple to have competing visions?

For one, it’s just the schedules. Recently, Joel sat down with a couple that was struggling. They had a young child at home and they had made the duel career thing work. But becoming parents put a lot of pressure on them.

The Dance Circle is a chapter that uses the metaphor about the partner dance—it’s about the counter balance where you lean away from the other and offer your weight or support so they can be set up for the next move. The whole idea is about how you can position your spouse to be used by God.

A larger shared calling and a persistent commitment to one another allows us to work through difficult things. That’s my hope for couples—is that they can get a vision generationally for their marriage.

How do you create a united purpose in marriage?

Quite often the root about what is actually dividing a couple is actually different visions: different visions about parent a child, the role family should play, work life balance. I’ve had to ask God for a unified vision and that looks different at different times.

Just like everyone has a unique thumbprint, we believe that you have a unique ‘marriage print.’ God has brought you together in a way that he could never do with any other couple. So how do we ask Him to reveal that to us? We believe it’s through prayer, and it sometimes takes time but he’ll reveal it to us.

Joel and I started by identifying some common values. What are the things we both care a lot about? We started telling stories about values passed in our family and we realized we could pre-decide those for our kids. Those kind of evolved into more of a mantra/sentence.

We say we want to give more than we receive. It looks different for different couples, but we identified them into a sentence we could say to each other. Over time, it evolved into a purpose. We say that a shared way of seeing leads to a shared way of doing.

We highly encourage a regular purpose or vision retreat. We go every year for a few days of intentional prayer, planning and purpose. We have a resource for this for couples as well.

What does praying together look like in a practical sense?

First of all, Joel and I are way better at ‘praying for’ than ‘praying together’. Part of it is between just you and God. I think trying to increase your prayer over your spouse is a healthy first step.

We also recommend some sort of a weekly touch point. For us, it’s been a Sunday night check in. We put a few key questions in our book to help with this. Then throughout the week it provides you opportunities for prayer over your spouse. Just start with some intentional questions. If it’s not comfortable to pray right there, don’t do that right away.

It’d also be an incredible experiment for couples this week. Try every day to be much more intentional about giving eye contact or putting your hand on the arm of your spouse and see what happens. It’s very hard to remain angry when you’re looking into their eyes.

Your one simple thing this week

Try some intentional questions with your spouse and see what happens. You can start with, “Is there anything I can do this week that would help me care for you better?”

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

That means new date nights, videos, ebooks, messages, and more available to you when you need it - all in one place at one low price. Go to our website to find out more about the Married People Membership.

MP 072: What should I focus on instead of my marriage problems? (with Mike Foster) May 22, 2019

We’re asking a slightly different question this week—what should I work on instead of my marriage problems? Because we all have marriage problems and it seems like we can get stuck on working those out instead of actually enjoying the time with our spouse.

For this discussion, we invited Mike Foster to the podcast. Mike is an author, speaker, and host of the Fun Therapy podcast. Through his books, workshops, and best-selling group curriculum, Mike teaches people how to crush shame and live each day as God's beloved. Mike lives in San Diego, California with his wife, Jennifer.

Interview

Can you tell us a little about yourself?

I help individuals and couples build strong relationships. My wife and I published a book a year ago called Five Dates, which is a his and her guide to help couples create togetherness.

We also created a video series called Extraordinary Couples. We like to think of it as little protein bars for your relationship. Our whole strategy for couples and marriages is to be very simple, very action oriented and take micro steps toward change.

What made you go from the classic way to working on the more positive stuff?

There’s a lot of resources that say you have to work on your problems. The research shows that most successful couples have ongoing, chronic problems in their relationship. It’s OK to have problems and not to have a perfect marriage.

Both my wife and I were the victims of trying to work on our problems and we failed miserably. We realized even though we have problems in our relationship, we’d work to fix them and they’d only get worse.

Sometimes trying to work on problems can lead to even bigger problems. There are problems in relationships that need to be worked on, but usually they involve a third party. If you have big problems, get in to see a counselor.

We tend to see our spouse as the problem and spend a lot of time trying to fix that person. We’re big believers that ‘healthy people make healthy relationships’. My advice is usually to start working on your own heart.

I’ve realized I can’t change my wife—I’ve tried. Reorienting the energy we put away from the problems and the fixing and trying to get our spouse to change. Instead, let’s focus on our togetherness.

What are problems we need to let go of, and problems we need to take to counseling?

There are a few things that would certainly pop up right away—addiction, infidelity, anything where there’s strong breaks in trust. You’d certainly want to bring a third party in.

Also, the trending of the relationship in general—if you’re on a path that just keeps getting worse and worse and you see an outcome that’s not going to end well, I’d certainly reach out to a counselor.

Why did your problems get worse when you tried to work on them?

Years ago, Jennifer and I went to a marriage retreat. We were married seven or eight years at the time and had young kids. We’re not doing well and she comes up with an idea to go to a marriage retreat in the mountains. It was a complete disaster for us.

The speakers were well meaning, but as we sat in this retreat they talked about things that were so idealistic. We went to work on our marriage and I felt more frustrated, irritated, and angry. It led to one of the biggest fights of our marriage. I think we got connected to the wrong tool.

We want to create a lot of room and freedom to use the tools we create as they would benefit you in your context. When we talk about ‘dating,’ that could be a fancy dinner or it could be on your back porch. We always encourage couples to find the things that work for you and start small.

Why do you encourage couples to go to counseling?

For the past 15 years, I’ve been counseling people in all kinds of situations. Typically, the problems in our relationships stem from the problems in our own heart. We transfer our pain to our spouse instead of doing our own work. When I’m counseling couples, there’s a lot about the relationship, but there’s more about your personal work.

One of the things we talk about in Five Dates is family of origin. So many of the problems in our relationships has nothing to do with what’s going on today and so much to do with what happened in the family we grew up in. You have to have two healthy people in order to have a healthy relationship.

Why do people think the problem lies with their spouse?

Brene Brown says, “Blame is a quick way to discharge pain.” When I try to fix my wife, that’s a quick, easy solution for me to feel less pain in my life. The reality is, it’s easier for me to blame, point fingers and have an external focus for why I’m unhappy than doing the inner work.

Sometimes we talk about marriage as something we work on and that’s the narrative. But we forget that working on yourself is even more important than working on your marriage.

What happens when people take ownership of their own problems?

Unfortunately, there are a lot of stories are where people have not gotten it. The thing Jennifer and I love to see is when people have permission to know that it’s very normal stuff—having issues or conflict. The permission to start small. It brings us great joy to see couples engaging and trying. The worst thing you can do as a couple is to do nothing.

What is the difference between working on your problems and working on togetherness?

I could sit down with Jennifer and we could dive into a problem. That problem could be not clearly defined or there’s layers to that problem that both of us are confused by and not even qualified to deal with the real truth.

Working on togetherness is developing a rhythm where you hug your spouse three times a day for twenty to thirty seconds. Physiologically, your body will start releasing hormones and chemicals into your body at about the twenty second spot where you will feel more connecting and loving toward your spouse. That is a perfect example of a togetherness strategy.

We could talk about problems or we could talk about things we’re grateful for. Both involve words, both involve talking, both involve sitting down and making time for this conversation. But which conversation would you rather have?

Why aren’t couples usually qualified to talk about their problems?

Part of the couple’s problem is they have static energy. There’s no momentum in the relationship. Then they use the energy they have to work on a problem, which sends them backwards instead of hugging, having gratitude, going on dates, or other small things. That’s going to create momentum and positive energy in a relationship.

One of the things we saw is we had several couples in our friendship group who raised their kids, sent them off to college, and after twenty plus years they get a divorce. They put the marriage on hold for 18 or 19 years while they raised kids and then tried to pick it back up.

I encourage couples to start small—my wife and I will grab a Starbucks for thirty minutes during a busy week to spend a few minutes together.

Show Closing

If you want more from Mike Foster, you can find his Five Dates at fivedates.co, his guided video series at extraordinarycouples.net or his website mikefoster.tv.

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you! Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out the Married People membership or Ted’s book Your Best Us.

MP 071: What can the Enneagram tell me about my marriage? (with Beth & Jeff McCord) May 15, 2019

This week, we’re excited to be focusing on a subject that we’ve mentioned quite a few times already on this podcast—the Enneagram. For those of you who haven’t been swept up in the Enneagram mania yet, it’s sort of like a personality test. But it actually goes deeper than that to show the motivations behind our actions and thoughts.

To help us with this complex topic, we brought in a couple who knows the Enneagram well—Beth and Jeff McCord. Beth is the creator of Your Enneagram Coach, which helps introduce people to the Enneagram and connect them with a personal Enneagram coach.

Her husband, Jeff, is the executive pastor at Southpointe Community Church in Nashville, Tennessee. Beth and Jeff have been married for over 20 years have two adult children.

Interview Can you tell us about yourselves and how you got into the Enneagram?

We’ve been married almost 24 years and have two kids in college. We started learning about the Enneagram in the early 2000’s. We were in the stage of life with little kids when you’re trying to live like Christ, but find your internal world derailing all the time.

I wanted to be at my healthiest but was struggling. That’s when someone showed us the Enneagram and it helped me understand why I veer off course and what my healthiest was. We felt whatever tool we found had to be paired with the gospel. The Enneagram will tell you why you think, feel and behave in particular ways.

Can you explain what the Enneagram is?

The Enneagram has been around for thousands of years and used in lots of different sectors. It’s become more modernized with psychology since the 70’s and we’ve looked at how the tool can help illuminate our heart condition.

I want people to realize that the Enneagram is a great tool, but the gospel is what transforms us. We’re always safe and secure in our identity in Christ, but sometimes we have times we’re not doing well. We want it to be a wakeup call to the patterns that aren’t best for or your relationships.

Jeff, can you tell us about your role?

I’m an executive pastor. I’ve been pastoring in the local church since 2002. When we started using the Enneagram as a couple, we started in the local church at our dining room table.

Even back then, we would bring the insight of the Enneagram and apply the gospel to see hearts change. My beautiful bride is a type 9, who had a tendency to hide her talents, but she brought the depth to that conversation.

How do your two Enneagram types interact?

Jeff: Let’s start by talking about my love for ice—I love ice and cold drinks.

Beth: We have a great ice story. I’m a 9 and our thought process is that we don’t matter—our voice doesn’t matter, our presence doesn’t matter. It’s a common theme for 9s.

Jeff: I’m a type 6 and there’s a roaring committee of thoughts in my head all the time.

Beth: For the 9, who feels like their presence doesn’t matter, when I do talk I want his full attention. When he looks at his phone what happens instantly in my mind is, “see, my voice doesn’t matter”. If I’m healthy I can navigate around that.

Jeff: I often get a little impatient with her pace—9s meander in storytelling. So as she was telling a story one day, I decided to take a little break while listening.

Beth: Jeff got up to get some water behind me and has a 32oz glass. The fridge is crushing ice into his Yeti and I’m still talking. He is getting his ice and I’m thinking: “see, he doesn’t want to listen to me”.

Ordinarily I would shut down and stop talking and we start this dance and start to spiral. But that’s when the Holy Spirit came in and he’s told me time and time again that he is listening. So while he was still crushing ice, I’m thinking” “He loves me, we’re best friends, he’s just getting ice and it doesn’t have to spiral out of control”. And we’re able to move forward.

Jeff: There are four things we hear from people as we talk to them about their dances:

I didn’t understand my spouse and now I have clarity
It’s compassion – I’m so sorry that’s what you’re feeling
I understand our dance and our dynamics
The Enneagram gives us great language to able to talk about it

How does the Enneagram reveal both people’s strengths and weaknesses?

The Enneagram is going to tell you like it is—blunt and straightforward. You’re going to see some things that are really hard to swallow.

But if you’re able to recognize that Christ has already taken care of things, you can see these trouble spots and not be overcome with self-condemnation, fear and shame. You have to own it and ask for forgiveness but you’re able to do that because you’re already free.

What are the benefits and challenges of each of your types?

Jeff: There’s a book out there that talks about how we marry people who bring out a good we desire for ourselves. There’s something about Beth’s peacefulness, steadiness and sincerity that is very safe to me. Beth attunes to me in a way that brings peace and rest to my heart. I appreciate her strength, resolve, quiet perseveres and the attention she gives to me and our home. I want to be better at that because I’m not naturally at rest.

Beth: The strengths that Jeff brings is absolute commitment and loyalty, hard work and being able to see what I miss. When you use this in marriage, your spouse cannot come through for you in the way you long for but Christ did. Everything has to hinge on Christ or you’ll be back in the ditch again.

What have you learned about Jeff being a 6?

Beth: 6s really need safety and security. They’re not all the same—my mom is a 6 and wants physical security (food, money, health). Jeff is more relational security. When we are in an argument and I withdraw, that is only saying to him “abandonment”.

I’m not intending to do that to him. When I feel myself starting to check out I can say to him, “I know this is important, but I need some time to settle down and process”. That’s so much more helpful to me and communicates to him that I know safety and security are important to him.

Jeff: The work for me is to believe it—that after 15 or 30 minutes she’s going to re-engage. And even if she doesn’t, I’m still secure in my relationship with Christ. It ends up creating a very hospitable dance between us.

What resources do you have available for people who want to learn more?

Jeff: This is going to be a big year for us. We’ve written a book called, Becoming Us: Using the Enneagram to Create a Thriving Gospel-Centered Marriage. It’s really the foundation to a number of other resources. We’re going to be releasing a new marriage assessment in June to help couples get an introduction to their dance and what they think about their dance and that’s going to be free.

We’re also going to be doing date night events throughout the United States beginning in June. Those are going to be fantastic opportunities where we’re going to introduce the idea of the dance.

Beth: We are developing 45 marriage courses. The reason there’s 45 is because there are 45 couple types. So there’s a course for you and your spouse and we’re going to specifically talk about your dance and get into your kitchen.

Not only will we show you the negative parts of your dance but also the redeeming factors of Christ and what He brings. That will be coming out in June. We also have a free assessment if you don’t know your type.

And then we also have Discovering You which is a cliff notes version of the Enneagram if you’re new to the Enneagram. If you know your type you can do Exploring You where I do pre-recorded coaching sessions where I break down your personality type into bite sized lessons. We’ll have 9 more books coming out in December—one on each of the types.

Your One Simple Thing this week

Get your Becoming Us marriage course and get insight into yourself and your spouse.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review—they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you! Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out the MarriedPeople membership or Ted’s book Your Best Us. You can find more from Beth and Jeff at Your Enneagram Coach.

MP 070: A conversation with the hosts of the Growing in Marriage Podcast May 08, 2019

MP 069: How can I work on my personal junk to improve my marriage? (with Dr. Matt Turvey) May 01, 2019

It’s no surprise that we all carry some baggage into our marriage and that can spill into our marriage. To talk about this we interviewed Dr. Matt Turvey.

Matt is the director of Winshape Marriage, a retreat and conference center located in North Georgia. Matt holds a doctorate in clinical psychology and has been married to his wife Nicole for 22 years and they have four kids.

Interview

Can you tell us a little about yourself?

I’ve been married to my wife Nicole for a little over 22 years. We have four kids—ages 17, 15, 12 and six.

Seven or eight years ago, we moved to Lima, Peru to do counseling for missionaries. My dad found out that House Hunters was filming, so we applied. The show came to Peru and shot us for a few days. We were international superstars for a few minutes.

What is Winshape?

Winshape started about 35 years ago by Truett Cathy, the owner of Chick-Fil-A. It started with a college leadership program and has branched into foster homes, a retreat center, teen ministry, and camps around the country.

The latest is Winshape Marriage, which started about 16 years ago. I get to direct that, and it’s so fun. We serve couples at whatever stage they’re in—whether they’re trying to get ready for marriage, looking for encouragement, a blended family, or have a kid with special needs. We have things around sexual intimacy, empty nesters, and couples who are really stuck. We have deep dive intensives to look at what is keeping couples from having the marriage they want to have.

Most people think of a ‘capital ‘T’ Trauma’ as a rape or seeing something life threatening or tragic. The ‘little-t traumas’ are the ones where you’re there and not quite sure what you experienced – messages you got from your parents that you interpreted wrongly. Most people have parents who care for them in the best way they know how and they bring their own ‘little ‘t’ traumas’ to the table and act the best out of what they know.

How does the need to perform in marriage have an impact?

Because I wanted to be such a good husband, I did everything I could to be a good husband. It got me by for about ten years and we realized that more than trying to have a deep relationship we were trying to have a relationship free of conflict.

I was doing my graduate work for Gary Smalley and attended my first marriage intensive. I realized for the first time that I had never let my wife have a negative emotion around me because it meant I was a failure.

When I saw it in this process, I realized I had squashed her. I came home and tried to see her comments (eg. the yard needs to be mowed) as not being about me. I was turning the fingers around at her and always had an accusatory posture that belittled her.

How does our personal baggage come into marriage?

A philosopher once said, “the unexamined life is not worth living.” If you don’t examine and take the deep dive into stuff that you bring to the table, you’re just going to repeat patterns. In some ways, we’ve just learned to survive and it may not be the best way.

People bring the old stuff into marriage and it works for a while, but you’re not really succeeding in a safe, deep, intimate way with your spouse. When we look and see how we’re connecting with our spouse, we need to ask if there is a better way. When people ask those questions, they may be surprised at the answer sometimes. But if you look a little deeper, you’ll find a new level of intimacy in your marriage.

How do we properly deal with trauma in marriage?

I remember the first time I went to counseling for stuff I recognized as a problem for my marriage, it literally felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff and looking down. There was the other side of the cliff that was health, and I had no idea how to get there.

I didn’t know there was a safety net and when I took the first step of faith God had me. As I got deeper and deeper into my wounds, I realized that I liked myself and could trust myself. There were some truths about myself and who God created me to be that helped me come to my marriage from a place of health.

How often do struggling couples have unresolved problems?

You start out as an individual in marriage so probably the vast majority of stuff is individual. The difference between your expectations and reality is where the disappointment is. But far and away when I start looking at things from a different lens in my marriage, 95% of stuff gets taken care of.

How often are responses directed at the spouse instead of what they can improve?

I get calls from people who want to come to intensives and they’re not saying it so much but they’re basically saying, “My spouse is nuts, can you fix them”. We have to start with ourselves first. If we can help individuals look at what they bring to the table and then we show up out of a place of health and wholeness you’re really able to grow.

Over the years, I’ve come to realize that most of us in our marriage actually have what it takes. I believe in people who come to counseling. I believe in the innate ability of people to show up and remove the junk that overlays their heart—deep down we were created to love and be attached to other people and our savior. We want to set the stage for that to happen.

What is the Prodigal Love program?

This is the first time we’ve done a marriage experience for individuals. Our marriage retreats for years have been you and your spouse come together—that works and that’s awesome. But like we’ve been talking about, you need to do your own stuff first.

Prodigal Love is all about that. We’re bringing in a program with some Christian therapists. We call it a personal growth intensive. It helps folks slow down, get rid of their cell phone, and be in a small group setting where you have the chance to take that dive off the cliff. It sounds like a scary experience but the people who are walking you through it are extremely safe. When you get in that process you’re going to find some healing. If you trust the process, change will happen.

I’ve been through it myself and I can tell you it was the first time in my life where I felt the grace of Jesus in my gut, in a way I had never experienced before. It was powerful and I’m hoping we can recreate a sense of that experience for people who come.

What transformation have you seen from programs like this?

I went through a process very similar to Prodigal Love. About six years ago, we adopted a beautiful little girl from China. When she came home I was an angry man at a beautiful little two and a half year old girl from China and I had no idea why.

In the process I found Onsite, the process we use in Prodigal Love. And not once in the process did we talk about me as a dad. We started going back and looking at the messages I had received in life early on. What we began to realize was me being loved for performance was there. In one exercise we did called a psychodrama where you ask people to play a role for you and you talk to them.

That exercise changed everything for me. I experienced the grace of Jesus and heard him say, “I delight in you”. When I experienced that grace. I became a better father, husband, and boss.

Your one simple thing this week:

I hope people recognize that the struggle with God is okay. Don’t run from it, look at it and ask what it is. Ask for wisdom when you need it.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better. We want to hear from you! Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out the MarriedPeople membership.

For more from Dr. Matt Turvey, check out his Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. You can find more about Winshape on their website and the Prodigal Love Retreat on their website. Finally, we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 068: What are the keys to a high-performance marriage? (with Stephen & Kate Dahlin) Apr 24, 2019

We all probably have different definitions of what high performance means, but we can probably all agree that we want our marriage to perform well. And there are even a few simple tactics than any couple can implement to make their marriage work even better.

Meet out Guests

For this discussion, we’ve brought in a high performance couple, Kate and Steve Dahlin. The Dahlins are marriage mentors at the Two-To-One marriage ministry through North Point Church in Atlanta. Kate is also a life coach, who writes her own blog called Creating Exceptional. If you read the MarriedPeople blog, you’ll likely read some of Kate and Steve’s posts on marriage. The Dahlins live in Alpharatta, Ga., with their two young children.

A reminder for our listeners - we have a new resource we’ve created called MarriedPeople Membership. It’s an online library for married couples just like you. And it only costs $8/month or $80/year to get access to all of our premium resources in one place.

The Interview Tell us a little about yourselves.

Steve: Kate and I have been married for 11 years. We met in college on the beach and got married the weekend after graduation. We honeymooned, got married, and got our first jobs all in the same month. God has blessed us with two great kids, ages five and three.

Kate: I started in the dancing and arts world late in life. I was with a company in Alabama and went up to New York in the summer with this group who brought in kids to see what your life would look like if you did that. I learned that my heart was in the teaching world.

How do you use your marriage to pour into other people?

Steve: We both had separate ministries up until we got married. Kate was with women’s groups, teaching, and kids ministry. I have a music background, so mine was in music. We really wanted to do something together. When we started attending Buckhead Church, they made an announcement around the pre-marriage mentoring, and we both felt a prick in our heart. We were so passionate and they had such a need.

Kate: At the same time, I was growing my lifestyle coaching business. When we got married, I went from dancing straight into being a mom and was comfortable there. I was playing it safe and felt God nudging me that there was more I needed to be doing. That turned into writing and lifestyle coaching, which dove tailed into the marriage mentoring.

Did you guys grow up seeing healthy marriages in the home?

Kate: Yes. My parents are married today, love each other to death. They have five kids and were a great role model. I think it was very rare because we both came to the table with that.

Steve: My parents have been married for 40 years this year. They both grew up in a religious background, but found Jesus together around the time I was born. We both benefited a lot from the upbringing. It’s very rare nowadays.

What did you guys see in their marriages that made them successful?

Kate: They learned to grow together as a team. For our grandparents, there was just this level of consistency. They were going to stick it out, it’s what you did. There was no other option. They truly loved doing life together and being a team.

Steve: For me, the spiritual foundation is crucial. My parents were not on the same page when they got married, and once the alignment came and they started building that platform on Christ, everything changed. We’ve had some family drama just like every other family, but you can see that spiritual foundation woven through.

What have you guys seen in your parents that you wanted to do in your marriage?

Kate: They were very open communicators. When I was younger, there was a little fear seeing them fight it out, but we learned how to work it out. Even as kids, they’d tell us they love each other, they just had to work it out.

Steve: Respect is what stands out in my mind. The recognition of each party and what they bring to the table. That mutual respect is what I took away.

How has your life coaching impacted your marriage?

Kate: I was a stay-at-home mom and God laid it on my heart that it was time to do more. I started seeking him on what I’d done in my past that I could leverage for the future. Teaching someone really resonates with me and the business just evolved over time.

It started out with fitness and personal training—ballet, health, and exercise. It was easy for me to do that as a side gig. As I started doing that with women, it began encompassing whole health. Once they started getting their fitness and health under control, I you could see that effect all areas of their life. So it grew from there.

What’s the difference between an exceptional life and the perfect life?

Kate: For us it’s about bucking the status quo. I’m a high achiever, Type A, oldest child. It’s not perfection, it’s about excellence. I had a mentor say, “It’s not about excess, it’s about excellence.”

Steve: An exceptional lifestyle is not about performance—it’s about the outcome. When you think about people getting wrapped up in trying to perform, that’s not what this is about. It marriage, life, and career you’re going to have ups and downs and you can’t avoid those. But you can control how you’re going to respond to those.

What do you mean by a ‘high-performance marriage’?

Kate: The definition for high performance is that you’re producing superior results. It’s not about perfection, but you’re definitely not the norm or average.

Steve: In my sales background, they pull the top sales rep up on stage and ask how they’re doing it. For us, that is going to be the outcome of a high performance marriage. People are going to see something in you that’s different. They’re going to want to know what your secret is.

What’s the first characteristic of a high-performance marriage?

Kate: The first characteristic is dreaming, which is about perspective. We like to take a positive spin on the relationship. No matter where you are, the dreaming aspect gets you out of the daily ground and answer the question, “where are we going?”

One of the biggest things for us is an adventure you can go on together. The best advice we would give someone is to go and travel. To get away and pull back from the daily grind. We try to get away every single year. Sometimes it’s just a hotel down the road for one night just to sleep. We encourage couples to start this tradition of getting away every year.

Steve: We’ve found when you do this, you can start dreaming about other areas of your life that matter. Your dating life, even your sex life. It’s a great opportunity to connect as a couple.

What happens to you as parents when you spend time just as a couple?

Kate: You’re recharged and you can dream. When you’re in the daily grind of work and schedules and school, and it can just get busy. When you get away and pull back, you can have rest and the opportunity to think bigger.

Steve: I’m always drawn to the movers and shakers in life. A lot of them have to get up early to make space and function. You look at Jesus—how many times did he retreat and pull away so he could come back recharged? From a marriage perspective, if you’re not doing that you’re going to burn out.

Do you have a system for dreaming together, or does it happen organically?

Steve: For us, vacation is vacation. We make sure we’re going away just us. We’ve done a couple trips with other people or visiting aunts and uncles. But making sure it’s just the two of us is important. Even the kids are starting to understand that.

There have been times there was a book or podcast we wanted to pull in and talk about. But most of the time it’s amazing what comes out in that dead time. I’m in sales, so I could talk forever. For some people it may be harder to start. We’ve tried to do some things around creating conversation and it’s amazing what happens.

Kate: The things to consider are: date, place, position, goal. What’s a date you’ve never done before? Where’s a place you want to go? Position has to do with your sex life. For goal: pick something really big you want to accomplish as a team.

The second characteristic is dating. How often do you go on dates?

Kate: We do date night every single week. Twice a month we actually go out. We get a babysitter; it’s in our budget. The other dates are home dates. We’ll feed the kids chicken nuggets, we’ll cook, play games. Making it a priority helps make it happen. When you call it ‘date night,’ you treat it differently. We treat it like a business meeting—we minimize distractions. We try not to talk about the kids or vent about the week. And we silence our cell phones.

Steve: Early on, I confused hanging out all the time with dating. Then, a mentor asked how much I spent every month on car payments. Without missing a beat, he then asked how much I was spending dating my life. It’s not about the dollar amount. My focus on dating completely changed.

Kate: If you don’t have the finances for a babysitter, you can swap time with another couple with kids. Just make it a habit. Don’t allow the busyness to squeeze this out.

The third characteristic is growing. How do you grow together?

Steve: I love the verse in Ecclesiastes that says two is better than one. This talks about the couple, but also the network you begin to build around you as you grow as a couple. You’ve got to find people in your phase of life who can walk beside you.

The next step is to find a couple a few steps around you who have already walked that road. For us, it’s creating that environment with peers and people ahead of you. Next, it’s looking to the next generation. You grow a lot as a couple when you start pulling up the next generation. Having that network around you is so crucial to growth.

Your one simple thing this week

Pick one of the three characteristics of a high-performance marriage and work on it together.

Dream: Write down one goal that you want to accomplish in your marriage during the next 10 years.
Grow: Pray together so you can grow deeper as a couple.
Date: Do something you’ve never done before on a date night.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review—they help us make the podcast better. We want to hear from you! Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out the MarriedPeople membership. You can find more from Kate on her blog or site.

MP 067: How is a blended-family marriage different? (with Ron Deal) Apr 17, 2019

About Our Guest

Our host Ted Lowe sat down for an interview with Ron Deal, the director of FamilyLife Blended and the author of several books, including The Smart Stepfamily Marriage.

Ron is a licensed marriage and family therapist and he conducts marriage and family seminars all over the country. Ron and his wife Nan have been married since 1986 and have three sons.

Interview Can you tell our listeners a little about yourself?

I don’t come from a blended family and I don’t live in one now. So people naturally ask how I got into working with blended families.

I’ve been in ministry my entire life—marriage and family ministry specifically. I’m also a licensed marriage and family therapist and have spent a good amount of my career working for local churches and trying to save marriages as a therapist.

You can’t do that and not work with some blended families. When I started in ministry over thirty years ago, I wanted to be able to minister to all families no matter what their story was. I found myself working with stepfamilies and very interested in the subject. There was a need and we kept developing resources and materials and people found out about it.

Today, I have my own ministry called Smart Stepfamilies where I speak and do conferences around the country. That blossomed into me joining the team at FamilyLife Blended here in Arkansas.

On a personal note, Nan and I have been married for 33 years and we have three boys. We’re empty nesters at this season—my youngest is a sophomore in college..

How do divorced people feel in the local church?

The average divorced person today feels put down by their local church. This isn’t me putting down the local church—I know we inadvertently say the wrong thing sometimes and we’re not meaning to. But the truth is, divorced people do feel marginalized.

Sometimes blended family couples come back to church and they hope no one will ask them about their past. It’s really stifling for people because they feel they have to hide their story. I think that’s really sad and gets in the way of God really redeeming their story.

Not everyone has been through a divorce who is in a blended family—you could be widowed and getting remarried for the first time. Lots of people find themselves in blended families. The trend today is a first marriage where one of the adults has children by two other partners. We can’t always assume there’s a divorce narrative, but frequently that is the case.

What are some of the wrong things we say to blended families?

It’s inadvertent most of the time, but we accidentally step on people’s toes. The term “broken family” implies a lot and it implies things we don’t mean to say. I think often when a pastor talks about a “broken family” he means “fractured family”. A fractured family is now a complex family, but when we say “broken” it implies less than.

One of my biggest pet peeves is saying “God hates divorce.” First of all, there are so many scholars who make the point that’s not what Malachi 2 says. Most translations don’t say “God hates divorce”. It’s really about a man who hates his wife and puts her away—it’s about the man who is mistreating his wife and divorcing her.

We say “God hates divorce” because we’re trying to get people to stay married, but you don’t get someone to do something by bashing the other side. In the process, we beat up people who are divorced, not realizing we make them feel less than. That’s not God’s intent or the heart of the passage. We need to remember these families are there.

Over 100 million Americans have a step relationship right now. The estimate is that half of us will be in a blended family in our lifetime. This is not a small story. Forty percent of all families raising children right now are blended families, but the average marriage ministry provides half of what blended couples really need to have a strong marriage and family.

There is great reason to say, “Who is in our audience”? We can’t do ministry the way we used to. My new phrase is, “nontraditional is the new traditional”.

How can we be inclusive for blended families?

We want to uphold God’s blueprints for the family because there is blessing built into the design God built for us. However, we serve a redemptive God and nobody has a perfect life. We’re all trying to respond to sin in our life and our world—that’s true of all families.

We’re applying the same blood of Jesus to families who have found themselves in a structure that is different than what God designed. Structure does not equal worthiness to God. Most of the Old Testament families don’t look anything like what God designed a family to be. The structure of our home does not determine our worthiness to God. There are advantages to family structure, but we need to get past the structure and help people do the best they can today.

Blended ministry does not give up on this ideal. Research shows that healthy blended families are a change agent to help the next generation go back to God. Children raised in a blended family choose better spouses and have more of a chance of a long-term relationship that lasts. But blended families that are unhealthy create more chaos in peoples’ lives.

Somehow people have gotten the idea that if God hates divorce, he hates divorced. That’s never been God’s story. Jesus encountered the woman at the well and used her physical thirst to talk to her about her relational thirst. God doesn’t say that she couldn’t speak for him because she’d been divorced five times.

What are some things that blended families need?

In a typical marriage ministry, we deal with the couple—what’s going on between the husband and wife. That is also helpful for blended family couples, but the stressors that blended family couples often have are triadic—what’s going on around them.

That may be a former spouse who is the source of real heartache in their marriage. That’s a high stressor for a couple. It could be parenting and step-parenting. There’s a big intersection between Parenting Street and Marriage Avenue.

Those things intersect big time for blended family couples in ways that do not happen with biological parents raising their own children. There are so many different relationships going on—the spouses’ expectation of the stepparent, the kids expectations, the former spouses’ expectation.

That’s highly stressful and not as much about being a married couple as it is about being a step-parent. It always ripples into the marriage. The average training program on marriage doesn’t deal with that at all, but that’s what we do—we help people make sense of that.

Do you have a blended family who we can all learn from?

I’m thinking of a couple who got remarried later in life. They were both widowed and their kids were adults. Adult kids may be fine with it, but they’re going to have to make as many adjustments as kids who are 15 or five because everything is changing in their family system.

This couple found themselves wrestling as they were driving away on their honeymoon. They both got calls from their adult kids about the chaos behind the scenes after the wedding. We were able to step in and give them some resources that speak to adult children. Through that process over a period of time, it moved them in a better direction. After many years, they’re in a better place.

Your one simple thing this week:

For Couples: Go out of your way to find unity even in the smallest moments.
For Stepparents: Learn your place as a stepparent and how to function within the home.
For Biological Parents who are co-parenting: Work with your new spouse on a posture that is cooperative with the other house.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you! Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out the MarriedPeople membership.

For more from Ron Deal, visit the FamilyLife Blended website, the Blended and Blessed event and the free 14-day sample PDF of Ron’s new book: Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily.

MP 066: How does being an empty nester impact my marriage? (with Brian & Amy Bloye) Apr 10, 2019

So much of our culture is focused on parenting and kids. But what happens to your marriage when those move out and move on?

To discuss this important topic with us Ted Lowe sat down for an interview with Brian and Amy Bloye. They’ve recently become empty nesters now that their two sons have grown up. Not only that, but the Bloyes have also been helping married couples for many years as founders of West Ridge Church in Dallas, Ga. They also help plant other churches across the country through the Launch Network.

The Bloyes have some incredible insights on how the local church can help marriages and how couples can navigate the tricky season of being an empty nester. We hope you enjoy the conversation!

A reminder for our listeners—we have a new resource we’ve created called MarriedPeople Membership. It’s an online library for married couples just like you. And it only costs $8/month or $80/year to get access to all of our premium resources in one place.

The Interview Tell us a little about yourselves.

Brian: Amy and I have been married for almost 26 years. I’ve been in ministry for almost 30 years and was in student ministry for nine years. In 1997, we moved with our two-year-old son to Georgia and started West Ridge Church.

Now, we’re in a new season of our lives where we’re doing more conferences and traveling together. We’re finding life with our kids out of the home and we’ve written a book and done a few other things together in the last year.

How have you kept a great marriage while planting churches and pouring into others?

One of the things we’re passionate about is healthy marriage and family in ministry. But we focus on couples who have started churches and are pastoring them. Pastors are often ones who need the most help in their marriages.

What are some common struggles with marriages in a church plant?

You’re invested all in. When you move to a new city to start a church (or even start a business together), you’re all in. It’s a personal thing for you, your spouse and your kids. You’re taking a step of faith together and it impacts every part of your life.

Churches are just like kids—they have different stages of life and you have to adjust to the phases of the organization and your family. It puts a lot of strain on your marriage and family. We see some unhealthy things sneak in and we want to help couples during those times.

How do you set the limits on work to keep it from impacting your family?

We encourage couples to build healthiness in from the very beginning. A lot of people don’t take time off because they’re going to rest ‘when this happens’. But that rarely ever happens. So we encourage people to build in rest at the beginning.

You have to build in the rest and health rhythms, and you have to put boundaries around your home life. Usually, driven people start churches and organizations, so they start one thing and move on to the next thing. And they have driven children.

Brian: To be honest, we didn’t do very well with this early on. I’ll tell you how things changed for us. I came from a student ministry world that was very busy. We kept a crazy pace going that continued to our church plant. We ran at such a heavy pace that it was impacting the behavior of our oldest son. When our second son was born, he copied the behavior of his brother. I sat down with Andy Stanley and asked him how I keep the church moving forward without losing my marriage and kids. Andy said, “You have to choose to cheat”. He told me I had to cheat the church on behalf of my family. He told me that God never promises to make up for misguided priorities. He helped me see what it’d look like to go from 75-80 hours a week down to 45-50 hours. I realized there was such a lack of boundaries and rhythms in people’s homes and family life. We became passionate about bringing that into our own home and helping others.

Amy: If you can cheat the church and focus on your marriage and family, when you become an empty nester you can be healthy. You’re going to cheat something, just make sure you’re not cheating at home.

How did you feel in that season of extreme busyness?

Amy: I was so committed to make this work with Brian; we were so committed to what we were doing. I got to the point where I felt like we were just holding on. We were so excited about what we felt God had called us to do, we thought we’d do whatever it takes.

But we were so unhealthy in our thinking, we didn’t know we should be valuing time margins. You can do so much more if you have margin in your life so you can be spontaneous and hang out with your kids. And they know they’re more important to us than the work.

How could you tell the pace was impacting your kids?

Brian: Obviously, their behavior. They’re both very driven, high spirited kids and we love that about them. I wasn’t around enough to be the consistent person who brought stability. I’ve learned over the years that time and talking is so important.

Back then, every time the phone rang, I would pick it up—no matter what I was doing. I remember one time, I was on the floor playing with Taylor and about three times it rang and I picked it up. When I came back, he wasn’t there. Amy told me I was sending a message to him—that whoever was on the phone was more important than him.

Why is taking a day off so important for your marriage?

Amy: Brian takes Fridays off and so does the entire staff, unless something crazy happens. They close the church building. We usually go out to a movie, go to lunch and get refueled. We go really hard Monday through Thursday. On Friday, we know rest is coming. Couples always need to have something to look forward to together—a trip or just a day off.

Brian: I heard this phrase yesterday from someone who said to “always have a mountain in front of you that scares you just a little bit”. We always try to have something in front of us that we’re looking to together – whether it’s traveling together or speaking together, a challenge.

Amy is speaking into spouses and raising healthy kids. Getting this off the ground is a huge challenge we’re tackling together. We’ve also started taking our missionaries from all over the world and getting them together and speaking to them. We also always look at the next place we want to travel to together.

What do you guys think about seeking marriage counseling?

Amy: Brian brought a counselor to our staff when we went through a difficult time as a church. The counselor had some open slots. And Brian asked if we wanted to meet with him. By the time we got in there, both of us were in tears. He had unpacked stuff we didn’t realize we had. Everyone has issues and if we can make our marriage healthier—it’s something we don’t want to miss out on.

We all have junk we bring into our marriage and bring our baggage in. Sometimes, it feels like it could get better but we’re afraid of the pain or of things blowing up. But you have to go through pain sometimes for things to get better but it’s worth it. If you make the commitment that you’re not going to give up on it, you can get anywhere. If you’re willing to stay in it and get through the pain, it’s so worth it. We’re so much healthier as a result of it.

What was it like when your first son moved out of the house?

Brian: I remember when we took our oldest son to college. People told us it’d be tough and it was just as tough as people said. Our oldest son actually came back and is living with us again. He plays pro baseball and is with us in the off-season. There are big adjustments at every level.

You almost have to learn how to re-parent. We have to figure out how to put boundaries and see where they’re asking for advice and where we have to stop giving it. A few years ago, I interviewed Andy Stanley and asked how you know you’ve done well as a parent. He said if they want to come back home and hang out with you.

Why do you think the divorce rate is so high for empty-nesters?

Amy: So many of our friends have poured themselves completely into their kids. I sat on the bleachers for so many years with baseball moms and then when the last season was over and the kids left and went to college, some of those parents didn’t know each other.

When our boys were little, we would go on a trip or go somewhere overnight or go on date night and leave the kids with a babysitter. I remember them being so upset, but as they got older they realized we were modeling for them what it’s like for our family not to revolve around the kids and their schedule. They’re an important part, but not the center of the family.

I would encourage people to focus on the marriage and have fun together so when the kids are gone you’re still having fun together.

Your one simple thing this week

Have fun together and take time off to rest together.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you! Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

To find more from Brian and Amy Bloye, you can check out their book It’s Personal: Surviving and Thriving on the Journey of Church Planting.

MP 065: How do we protect our marriage from unfaithfulness? Apr 03, 2019

This is one of the more difficult, but important conversations we’ve had on this podcast. We had a lot of discussions leading up to this episode because we all have our own opinions on this topic.

Unfortunately, nearly everyone has been impacted by unfaithfulness in marriage—whether our own, someone close to us, or a someone we look up to. Unfaithfulness is a big topic, which is why we wanted to discuss it on the podcast.

The Tension

Given the right situation, infidelity is possible for anyone.

So, the question we’re wrestling with today is do guardrails and boundaries help to prevent affairs? Is that even possible?

Afton: I don’t think they do. In my marriage, I wake up every day and choose Hudson.

CJ: If there’s even a 5% chance that some boundaries would help, why wouldn’t you?

Ted: I had a professor in seminary who said that given the right situation, infidelity is possible for anyone. I thought that was ridiculous and told him so. He said that was the exact attitude that could allow an affair to happen in the future.

Truth

1 Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.”

Affairs don’t start big; they start with the first little red flag. Run from the first little red flag.
You can’t affair-proof a marriage, but you can have guardrails and boundaries to help.
Our time with our spouse is important. But so is what we do during the time that we’re not with our spouse.
You have to choose what boundaries will help protect your marriage and will build trust.
- Be aware of where you are, who you are with. If you feel a red flag, remove yourself.
- Not having meals or riding in the car with the opposite gender
- Give your spouse access to your accounts—email, Facebook, etc.
Here are some examples of red flags that you should watch out for:
- You find yourself excited to see this person.
- You talk about personal things more than you talk about work.
- You tell them something your spouse wouldn’t want you to.
- You say something even remotely negative about your spouse.
- You find them increasingly attractive.
- You go to lunch to talk business, but you never talk about business.

Bottom Line

When I am NOT with my spouse, I need to make sure my marriage is protected and connected.

One Simple Thing

Ask yourself: When I’m not with my spouse…

What is one way I can protect my marriage?
What is one way I can stay connected?

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better. We’d love to hear what you and your spouse do to protect your marriage! Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site.

If you haven’t already, be sure to check out our new resource—the MarriedPeople Membership. It’s videos, date nights, marriage tools, and much more to help out couples just like you. If you like the podcast, then you’ll love the membership!

MP 064: How do I pick my battles in my marriage? Mar 27, 2019

This episode, we’re talking about how to choose battles in our marriages. When two people are living together under the same roof, inevitably there will inevitably be some disagreements and conflicts. But you can’t confront every single battle.

What was the last battle you fought for in your marriage?

Afton: Making the bed this morning. I should probably cut the tags off our quilt, but whenever Hudson makes the bed, those tags are right by my face. So we have to turn the quilt around to the right way.
CJ: We’re navigating a family vacation with Teri’s family right now. We have a newborn at home and Teri is a peacemaker. She’s trying to make peace with her whole family. We want to go, but have to figure out what’s best for us, too.
Ted: Nancie is sensitive and I would often hurt her with my approach to communication.

Truth

We have to be slow and we have be smart.

Proverbs 12:8 says, “Careless words stab like a sword, but wise words lead to healing.”
Choose a time of day that’s best to talk.
Sometimes you have to put it on the back burner and come back later when you’re able to focus on the conversation without getting upset.
Focus on the what, not the who.
Remember when to H.A.L.T. If you’re: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, don’t try to argue.

Bottom Line

My spouse needs to know he/she is more important than what we are talking about.

Based on what I know about myself and my spouse, how do I choose my approach in my marriage?

One Simple Thing

Take your latest conflict. Run it through this filter

What was your approach?
Where were you careless with your words?
What did you say that hurt your spouse?
What words do you now regret?
What would have been the wiser way to approach your spouse?
How could you have said it with more care?

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review—they help us make the podcast better.

Today’s podcast was sponsored by the new MarriedPeople Membership—an affordable, monthly subscription that gives married couples a ton of great resources like date night guides, videos, ebooks, messages, podcasts, and other great tools from leading marriage. We are so excited about this resource. You can even give it as an anniversary gift to your spouse, or another couple whose marriage you want to pour into.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 063: How can I be a great husband and a great dad? (with Kenny Luck) Mar 20, 2019

Last week, we talked to our friend Karen Stubbs about being a great mom and a great wife. If you missed that episode, be sure to go back and give it a listen. This week, we’re talking more about the men’s side of the marriage equation.

To help us tackle this subject, Ted interviewed Kenny Luck—founder of Every Man Ministries, which is seeks to revolutionize how men’s ministry is done at local churches nationwide. They’ve got a bunch of online resources, which includes a blog and podcast.

Kenny is also a pastor at Crossline Church in California, and has written several books. He and his wife, Chrissy, have three grown children.

Before we dive into the conversation, we wanted to let you guys know about a new resource that we’ve created called the MarriedPeople Membership. It’s an online platform for married couples just like you. And it only costs $8/month or $80/year to get access to all of our premium resources in one place.

Interview

Tell us a little about yourself.

I was a Navy brat and the last of seven kids—five boys and two girls, so it was an interesting upbringing. When you have five boys all in one house, trouble is going to start. My mom is a pacific islander, so I have that island vibe in me. Chrissy and I have been married for 30 years and we have three awesome millennial kids.

How did you get started working in men’s ministry?

My pastor and good friend, Rick Warren, started Saddleback Church with a profile of a person. He knew that if you reach the man, you reach the family. The church began to grow and we asked how we could reach men in a more intentional way.

There wasn’t a very clear ecosystem to get a guy into a relationship with God, community with other men, and strong in his family. Rick asked me to do that and I went all in. Out of that work, we birthed Every Man Ministries.

What does men’s ministry look like strategically?

We made a decision to go after the pain in men’s’ lives. If the stats are correct, 9 of out 10 men have an issue in their lives they’d love help with—usually involving a relationship. We built our men’s outreach based on purpose, pain, and people. Those are three resonators with men.

When we launched this at Saddleback, it was built around what was already there—a hunger for purpose, to resolve private pain/temptation, and to do relationships right. That’s why it exploded.

The clarity and transparency seemed to be the secret sauce. Be clear with men and relevant. Men want to resolve things. They would show up to make the pain factor in their lives go down and out of a spiritual desire to please God.

The commission to all the ministry leaders at Saddleback was to get the kinks out and teach the world how to do it. Launching Every Man Ministries was intended to train the local church how to do men’s ministry. For some reason, there wasn’t an identity strong enough to pull men away from worldly identities. We knew we’re competing with those identities.

What are the issues facing men today?

The attack on male strength is something that’s a current challenge. Strength is not the issue—the issue is strength without character or compassion. When you have power, influence, strength, but don’t have character and compassion guiding that strength, people suffer.

Men are built to be strong but if they lack the character and compassion to guide that strength, it ends up becoming self-centered and abusive. What forms the inside of men is what guides their strength.

Why do you think it’s important for kids to see healthy marriages?

The family is the first community of acceptance. It’s responsible for the emotional and relational formation of children. If there aren’t healthy models, they will find a second community of acceptance outside the family to belong in.

Many times, it’s doing something unhealthy to be accepted in that second community. We’re talking about an all out war for the soul of your child and how they perceive themselves, which will cause them to be either secure or insecure on the inside.

Modeling is the strongest form of teaching in a family unit. If mom and dad model a spiritual life and a love for God, your child will absorb it. They’re waiting to see if you’re the real deal. You’re training them without even training them.

Much of parenting is a projection of our own stuff. You have to be on a journey of emotional and spiritual growth and health or it has a long-term consequence for how they’re forming. You can’t over-emphasize the importance of modeling in marriage for the health and development of children.

Did you and your wife grow up in homes where healthy marriages were modeled?

My wife, Chrissy, grew up in a reasonably healthy model. Her mom loved her dad and they spent time with kids. There was a healthy spiritual foundation and a focus on God and family.

I grew up getting thrown to the wolves. My dad was deployed all the time and my mom was handling seven children. If you throw in alcoholism, it adds another thing to dance around. There was a strong pull for me to find the second communities of acceptance, because the dominant feeling in my first community was ‘ignored’.

Chrissy grew up in a securely connected family where there was presence, love, affirmation. She wasn’t in deficit when it came to personal worth, self-esteem. I grew up in a family where that was not there. When Chrissy and I started dating, her family was a gospel witness to me of what it’s supposed to be like.

We need mentors and models. If you love Jesus, your husband and have a reasonably healthy family, that family has tremendous power to witness to kids in your community like me, who don’t have a vision of what a healthy family looks like.

How can couples prioritize marriage in the midst of the crazy schedules and kids?

Like all parents, depending on what season you’re in you have different things going on. You have to be a maximizer of moments and say ‘no’ to say ‘yes’. There were activities I could say ‘yes’ to, but I’d have to say ‘no’ to my marriage to do those.

When you have a lot of activities in your home, the first thing to go is time with your spouse. We had to invest financially in date nights and babysitters. We had to send the message to our kids that our relationship is important.

Whatever season you’re in, you have to have the snacks (the dates), the meals (a weekend here or there), and banquets (where you really go celebrate your relationship with your spouse). You can’t call it quality if you’re not slowing down to know the other person. You have to slow to know.

Tell us a little about the Dangerous Good Movement.

The movement started when Jesus said these words, “The spirit of the Lord is upon me and he has anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor, sight to the blind, relief to the oppressed, release to the captive.”

Translation: God’s spirit is in me to be dangerous with goodness. Jesus stepped in to protect and defend women, to bless the children, and not pre-qualify people on the basis of race. He walked into a broken masculinity.

The Dangerous Good Movement is a movement that is empowered by the spirit of Jesus Christ. It’s men who are in relationship with Him and one another. They’re focused on being like him and behaving like him. It’s my new book that just came out and the curriculum comes out in early 2019 and the conferences are coming to a city near you.

Your one simple thing for this week:

You’ve got to keep dating. Think about what you did when you were dating. Figure out something your spouse likes and make it a part of your routine. I get my wife her favorite coffee and leave her a note.

Second, learn something they desire or want and do that with or for them. For example, I heard my wife talking about how she’d love a shelf over the washer/dryer, so I built one for her while she was out. It doesn’t take a lot!

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review—they help us make the podcast better. And be sure to check out the brand new Married People Membership.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 062: How can I be a great wife and a great mom? (with Karen Stubbs) Mar 13, 2019

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About Our Guest

On this episode, we’re joined by Karen Stubbs—the founder of Birds on a Wire, a ministry designed to equip moms through truth, encouragement, and community. Karen has also written three books on motherhood. She and her husband, Greg, have four grown children and reside in Cumming, Ga.

After graduating from Auburn University, she and Greg moved to Virginia Beach where Greg served in the Navy as a fighter pilot. It was during those early years that Karen, as a young mom gained her passion for motherhood. She is passionate about challenging moms to experience motherhood in the way God intended it for them and their families.

Interview Tell our listeners about Birds on a Wire.

Years ago, when I worked at North Point Community Church, I started noticing moms who were struggling. I thought I could pour into some of these young moms, so I started a small group in my basement. That grew until I left the church to start Birds on a Wire in 2011.

What does Birds on a Wire offer?

We have small group curriculums. I have a 365-day devotional for moms, my weekly podcast, and conferences. The conference is called Soar, where we help moms soar in life. I do a weekly encouraging email with tips on motherhood—moms can go to our website to check us out.

Where did the name Birds on a Wire come from?

Back when I hosted the small group in my basement, one of the group members was an artist. And the group commissioned her to do a painting of all these birds sitting on a wire. I asked her the inspiration for the painting. She said it was Matthew 6:26 where Jesus says: “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”

Moms are anxious, but we don’t need to be—God is going to take care of us and our children. I brought my friends together and told them I wanted to name the ministry based on the verse and the painting. One member kept talking about ‘birds on a wire,’ so that became the name!

How did you meet your husband Greg?

We met at a college camp that Dr. Charles Stanley was doing. We met in the dinner line and he kept following me around camp. 32 years later and we’re still married! He went to flight school as a Navy pilot and ended up travelling a lot.

Why do you think that healthy marriages are important for kids to see?

I don’t think people think about this enough. It’s important that children see a strong marriage because that’s what brings them security. You have the marriage that they’re looking at all the time, and that is their safety zone. You need to create a marriage that is loving, honest, and where children can count on their parents.

How can couples prioritize marriage in the midst of raising kids?

In order to prioritize marriage, you have to be intentional in your marriage. It’s not going to just happen. The thing that always stood out to me in my marriage to Greg was making him a priority even over my children.

If you do, the children will feel more secure and more loved. I have a great relationship with my kids and my spouse. One day your kids are going to leave the house and you still have that relationship with your spouse. When we dropped off our youngest at college, we went to Italy for three weeks to celebrate.

How can couples who have recently become new parents still prioritize their marriage?

When you’re in those younger years, you are just exhausted. You get in bed at night—forget about sex, it’s just “good night”. Just keep in mind that it’s a season and it’s not going to last forever. In that season try to always give your partner the benefit of the doubt. He’s tired just like you are; it’s not a competition. Try to stay as civil as possible during that season.

When my kids were little, there was a desk in the kitchen that was a catch all. My husband likes a nice, neat house. He would always focus on that desk and he asked me to clean it up. It made me so mad that he was focusing on the desk. I called my pastor and he told me to just clean the desk. That made me so mad too!

I started cleaning it out of spite, and you know what? Greg noticed and started changing. He started helping me. The more he helped me, the softer I was to him, and the sweeter he was to me. It all started with me putting his needs above mine and cleaning that desk.

How does marriage look different when the kids are older?

The elementary years for me were easier. Middle school and high school you have to be involved and zoned in. We encouraged our teenagers to bring friends over, so nights were not our own anymore.

We had Fridays off at the church, so Greg and I would go on dates on Friday. We had to get creative—Mexican food and a movie always worked for me. But if you’re not intentional, it’ll never happen.

How do you keep up with each other as things change?

Greg and I mentor engaged couples, and we encourage them to make a ‘wish list’ of what they wish the other person would do. They have to start with either: “I wish you would do this” or “I wish you would not do that”. The catch is the person listening cannot defend themselves, they just have to practice active listening.

What have your kids learned from your marriage?

I asked my girls that are married this question and I was pleasantly surprised. They said:

When you argue, argue in private
Marriage is first; children are second. Don’t put children above your spouse.
Family mealtime around the table is very important
Date your spouse

How did you stay connected when Greg was in the military?

A lot of prayer—and I do not say that lightly. Greg was a really good husband and I had a tendency to look to him to meet my needs. But he wasn’t around to meet my needs and I sort of fell apart.

God was there to meet my needs and I started to look to. If you’re in the same situation, go to God— I mean it sincerely. He is what makes marriages strong. I would go to God and tell him my needs and He mets them in ways you can’t imagine.

Your one simple thing this week

Put your spouse above yourself. If you do that, you’ll never go wrong.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 061: How do I make decisions in my marriage? Mar 06, 2019

We’re excited to be talking about how we make decisions in our marriage! There is a spectrum of decisions to make—everything from who is getting the groceries, to whether or not to make a cross-country move.

The Tension: Decisions are tough for many couples

Some decisions are really big ones and a lot hangs in the balance.
Some decisions matter more to one spouse than the other.
There’s the question of how should a decision should be made—how quickly do we make the decision, whose advice do we take, etc.?
Sometimes you simply disagree about what decision should be made.

The common denominator is that, in the middle of these decisions, someone doesn’t feel loved and someone doesn’t feel respected. Which can often happen when we don’t feel heard or understood and take it personally.

Truth: Most decisions aren’t life and death, but they do bring life or death to our relationship

At the end of the day, ask yourself, “does my spouse feel heard?”

Proverbs 18:1-2 says “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment. A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.”

This all takes a level of awareness and humility to approach your spouses in a way that helps them. Do they just need to talk it out? Do they need help solving a problem?

Your one simple thing for this week:

Use a scale to help understand how important a decision is to your spouse. On a scale of 1-10 do you:

Hate it or love it?
Don’t care or really care?

Show Closing

We have a favor to ask of you—the same favor every podcast asks of you. Leave us a five-star review on iTunes. These reviews give the podcast more visibility and ultimately more listeners.

So if you do want other people to know about it, rate it. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes as well!

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

ANNOUNCEMENT: We'll be back in 2019 Dec 12, 2018

Quick update for our listeners: we'll be taking a break for the rest of 2018, but will be back with new episodes in 2019. Thanks for listening to the podcast!

MP 060: How do I make Christmas great for my marriage? Dec 05, 2018

Before we jump into our topic this week, we have a PSA for you—we would love for you to leave us a review on iTunes. These reviews give the podcast more visibility, and ultimately help us reach more listeners. So if you want other people to know about us, rate the podcast!

What are some Christmas traditions you had growing up?

Afton: We made puppy chow and ate it all the time. We always kicked off the Christmas season the night after Thanksgiving by watching Christmas Vacation and Home Alone.

Ted: We would go to my great-grandfather’s farm and cut down a tree. Then, my mom would have my brother and I decorate it—she would let us do whatever we wanted to do.

CJ: We didn’t have a ton of traditions, but we always had spaghetti for dinner on Christmas Eve. Christmas morning we’d have sausage casserole and our grandparents would come over for dinner. Now, Teri and I go to Chili’s on Christmas Eve—it’s the best people watching ever.

What assumptions did you make going into marriage about Christmas?

Afton: I assumed we would get a real Christmas tree. That was not an assumption that Hudson had—he wanted to use a cheap fake one so we didn’t have to spend money every year. So our first year of marriage, he got out the fake tree AND we got a real tree and used them both.

Ted: We do a fake tree, too. Christmas ornaments have to mean something. So every time we’d travel, we’d get an ornament. Not one ornament is the same as another. But some of our tension started when we had to travel home and decide what family to see when.

CJ: I don’t know that I had a whole lot of expectations that first Christmas. I think we pictured Christmas our way and with our own families. You don’t picture the part with your in-laws, and that’s where some of the expectations come in.

What are the stressors you feel when it comes to Christmas?

Afton: I still feel the stress of having to figure out the Christmas Eve/Christmas Day situation. We also have split custody with my step son, Julian, so we have to figure that out every year. It’s a logistical challenge for us. I also feel the pressure of making sure everyone else has a great Christmas.

Ted: Some of those logistical things have ironed themselves out for us. But what to get the kids for Christmas is a stressor. I want to celebrate, but some of it seems excessive.

CJ: This year, Teri is due with our first kid on Christmas day. As excited as we are, there’s also a lot of stress—who is coming in, who is staying with us.

Some of the most common stressors that people have around Christmas:

lack of time
lack of money—Americans spend an average of $750 a year on Christmas.
pressure to give or receive gifts
where and who to spend the holidays with.

The results of increased stress can make a couple feel exhausted, disconnected, and have less interest in connecting as a couple.

It’s important for couples to pause and remember what’s important.

Paying attention to the heart of Christmas can help couples simplify and get back to what a big deal this holiday is for our faith. There are a lot of ways this can be true for you.

It could be creating experiences instead of just stuff. It’s asking what you want for yourself and your kids and having experiences with your spouse.

Your one simple thing for this week

Talk about Christmas traditions before Christmas.

Ask each other:

What does Christmas mean to you?
How did you celebrate Christmas growing up?
What your favorite Christmas memory as a kid?
If you could create the perfect Christmas traditions, what would they be?
How is the way you see Christmas different from me?
How is the way you see Christmas the same as me?
How do we compromise?

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 059: Does working with my spouse work for my marriage? (with Derek & Kari Beth Chitwood) Nov 28, 2018

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About our Guests

Derek and Kari Beth Chitwood work together every day in a business Derek founded in 2009—Peach State Pride. It’s a clothing and merchandise company that represents the history, heritage and people of Georgia.

The Chitwoods live right outside Athens, Ga., where Peach State Pride is headquartered. We love the way they talk to and about each other. Let’s dive in and hear from two people who know how to work together and love together.

Interview How did you guys meet?

Derek: We got married in spring of 2013. We grew up in the same county, different towns and we were in the same school system. We never actually met in high school; she was three years younger than me but I knew her older sister.

Kari Beth went on to Georgia Tech where she was a cheerleader. I would go to the games and I figured out who she was. When she was a senior, I reached out and we went on a date and have been together ever since.

How did you start your business?

Derek: I started the clothing brand that promotes the state of Georgia in 2009. At the time, I was working for a company that built playgrounds in South Carolina and I kept seeing the palm tree crescent moon—which is on their state flag and has a ton of history. It’s an abstract logo that unifies the state of South Carolina.

I was so proud of being from Georgia but we didn’t have anything like that. I went home and drew up a logo and started dreaming about it being the logo for the state of Georgia. My roommates suggested I make some t-shirts and hats so I did. One of my friends started carrying them at an Ace Hardware. And it took off. I had no business background, so I had to figure that out.

Kari Beth, what did you study in school?

Kari Beth: I was a management major and got a certificate in marketing. After I graduated, I went and worked for a company in Buckhead doing marketing. After a couple years I decided I didn’t want to work in business anymore, I wanted to be a teacher. So I quit my job and went back to grad school to teach. When I finished my masters we were getting married and opening our first store and we needed to hire someone with my skill set so that’s when I came on full time.

How did you help with the business while you were dating?

Kari Beth: I did as much as I could. I was the one he would bounce ideas off of and I would come home from work and help as much as I could. It was fun, but I definitely thought Derek was crazy—I didn’t fully get it.

Derek: Her personality is that she wants to help when there’s an issue. I was asking for help and she was willing to give help. Our skill sets are so different; I needed help and support in areas she was good at. From the beginning of our relationship, we complemented each other.

What are some of the biggest challenges of you guys working together as a couple?

Kari Beth: Turning work off is a challenge. We have our own way of doing it now, but we can really wear ourselves out when we work together all day and continue talking about issues at the end of the day. We go for a walk every evening with our dog to get our thoughts out and try to leave it at that.

We’re also really connected because of that. If I had a bad day, usually Derek did, too. We have disagreements sometimes, but at the end of the day, I see this as Derek’s business. If he wants to make a decision, I need to respect that. With that said, he fully understands and recognizes the things I’m good at—the operational things and structure of the business.

Why have you been able to work well together?

Kari Beth: So much comes down to pride. Derek is very self-aware and we try to be that way about ourselves and our business. Because Derek has adopted this attitude, he’s not threatened by my strengths. That can be tough for couples working together—when there is a power struggle. It’s putting the relationship first, whether with us or our employees.

Derek: The thing I always tell people about Kari Beth is that she always takes the high road. Because she’s willing to do that, I’m more willing to do that too. This is really all we’ve ever known. From the moment we got married, we have worked together every single day. Because of that, we’ve never known anything different. We also remind ourselves how lucky we really are.

Do you have any advice for couples that are working together and struggling?

Derek: A really practical thing to do is take a personality test. You can really hone in on understanding your spouse in a more tangible way.

Kari Beth: Our faith plays a huge role in our business. We start every day with a prayer and end every day with a prayer. When we’ve had to let someone go we’ve stopped to pray. Those small things don’t always feel powerful in the moment but I think God honors that.

Your one simple thing for this week:

Always put your marriage first. Don’t let success or pride get in the way of that. We have cut off spots that allows us to turn off work and never let anger or arguments fester.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the MarriedPeople Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review—they help us make the podcast better. We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 058: Why is money such a big deal in my marriage? (with Lee & Martika Jenkins) Nov 21, 2018

On today’s episode we’ve got another Ted Lowe interview, this time with Lee and Martika Jenkins. Lee is an author, pastor, and a former college and NFL football player.

He spent more than 25 years in the financial services industry before planting Eagles Nest Church in Atlanta, Ga. Lee and Martika have been married for 30 years and have three grown children.

Interview Can you tell us a little about yourselves?

Lee: I’m Lee and in about two weeks I’ll be celebrating 30 years of marriage to this incredible woman. I spent 25 years in the investment business. But six years ago, I got out of the business world because the Lord was calling me into full-time ministry. The two topics I’m most excited about are marriage and money. We have three children who are grown adults and we love being empty nesters.

Tell us a little about being empty nesters.

Our children are now 28, 26, and 23. It was a joy raising them. And now it’s a joy to have them out of the house!

How do you have different personalities when it comes to money?

Lee: When we first got married, we were completely opposite. We were the classic spender/saver dynamic. I was the saver and she was the spender. When I wanted something, I bought it with cash. But Martika borrowed her way through school.

Martika: Back in the 80’s, you could sign one time and get five different credit cards. And I was so excited to have those cards.

Lee: When my sister introduced me to Martika, I went over to her apartment. I looked through her photo album and they have photos of Hawaii and all these places. And I thought not only was she beautiful and loves the Lord, she was rich, too! Little did I know that I’d pay for those trips later.

How did you meet?

Martika: We met the weekend that I quit my job to move to Atlanta. Lee helped me find a place to live when I got here and our relationship blossomed from there.

How did money impact the first years of your marriage?

Martika: It was tough because our money personalities were so opposite. Lee had to tighten me up and I had to loosen him up. He was so cheap it was ridiculous. We didn’t have a lot of money, but as the Lord blessed us financially it really helped our relationship to grow and become more intimate.

Lee: It was frustrating at first, but we had to wrestle with some of our philosophies and history. When you marry someone you marry their habits and what they’ve been taught. But it was very complementary even though we were financial opposites. We made a lot of the classic mistakes that young couples make.

What issues did you see with couples while working in the financial industry?

Lee: It’s a sensitive issue. Couples don’t realize that they need to work together. In order for the two to become one, it takes a lot of work. It’s difficult for some couples to get on the same team because you have to compromise.

One of the reasons couples aren’t successful financially is because they don’t understand the biblical basis of marriage. They’re selfish, and you can’t be selfish when it comes to this area.

How did this play itself out in terms of decisions and purchases?

Martika: When we first got married, Lee was on 100% commission. We had to talk about money more than most because we didn’t know how much was coming in each month. We had Money Monday’s where we had to sit and talk it all out.

We had restrictions on how much we could spend without the other’s approval and agreement. Because we were so tight, we had to communicate a lot. It helped our marriage because it helped us be more vulnerable.

What money advice would you give to a younger couple?

Lee: When you’re young, you have to talk about it a lot. Like Martika said, we’d meet every Monday. When you come into agreement, it helps your marriage in every area.

Don’t stay away from this subject—fight through the discomfort. Once you break through the first initial meetings it will become something that’s fun.

Do you recommend combining finances when you get married?

Lee: When two become one, that means everything. When you separate your money on purpose, you’re missing out on some deep intimacy and communication. One of the beauties of combining your money and doing things together is that it really forces you to talk. During that process, you get to know your spouse better.

How do you compromise when one of you is a saver and the other is a saver?

Lee: Some of my biggest regrets are looking back and seeing how cheap I was with things like furniture. Some of our early things had to be thrown out and re-purchased because I was so tight about everything. I learned from that because I actually ended up spending more money in the long run.

Recently Martika noticed I was stressed with things going on. She told me we were going on vacation. It was the best, but had she asked me I probably would have said no. She’s helping me to loosen up and the more I do that the better it makes our marriage.

The 10 Principles of Money and Marriage

We have the 10 principles and we usually say there are some you may be doing and two or three you really need to do. Here they are:

Develop a spending plan: Some people call this a budget, but we like the word ‘spending’ better.
Live within your means: Learn to be content with what you have and resist the temptation to want more and bigger.
Avoid becoming a slave to debt: It’s important that your first inclination should be a debit card or cash. That way you’re spending what you have and not what you don’t have.
Pay attention to your credit score.
Find multiple sources of income: Don’t let your job be your only source of income.
Save and invest for the future: Give to God first. Start saving second. Then, live off the rest.
Be adequately insured: What would you want to have happen for your family if you woke up tomorrow in heaven?
Honor God with your wealth: Be a generous giver! Honor God first and not last.
Teach your children about money.
Develop an estate plan: This can get complicated depending on your assets. But make sure you have an updated will.

Your one simple thing for this week:

Pick one thing from this list of 10 to talk about with your spouse.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 057: Why is Jesus still important for marriage? (with Ryan & Selena Frederick) Nov 14, 2018

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About Ryan & Selena Frederick

We’ve got an awesome interview ready for you because Ted talked to Ryan and Selena Frederick, the founders of Fierce Marriage. Fierce Marriage is an online marriage platform., which includes a blog, a podcast, social media channels, and several books written by Ryan and Selena.

They’ve been married for over 15 years and live in Tacoma, Wa., with their two daughters. Let’s dive into Ted’s interview with Ryan and Selena.

Interview How did you first meet?

Ryan: I remember it so clearly—the first time I saw Selena was in 8th grade. My mom was an educator and was interviewing at a Christian school. I went along to her interview and walked into the gym and saw Selena and my stomach dropped. I went to the school and didn’t talk to her for a year.

We became friends and then it turned in a romance. The summer after our sophomore year, we started dating and dated for four years. We got married pretty young—20 and 21. In hindsight, it was young, but I couldn’t wait any longer.

What were the first surprises once you got married?

Ryan: As a young Christian guy in that generation of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, I’m thinking sex was going to be everything I want and more. But you get married and your expectation has to adjust. That was the biggest reality check for me.

Selena: It’s learning to manage those expectations as a wife. But you can’t uphold all those things and carry it all. And that’s OK. We were learning to do this together, so we had to grow in our intimacy. It’s gotten better with time.

Ryan: I would say to the young couple listening that it’s just the beginning of a long adventure of learning to love each other.

What were the marriages like in your families?

Selena: I came from a divorced home. My parents divorced when I was about eight. So I didn’t really know what a marriage looked like. I heard the arguing and messes of my parents and saw the high and low but not the in-between.

Ryan: My parents have been together my whole life. They’re amazing, but not necessarily healthy in every season. My dad had two ultimatums for me growing up—no tattoos and don’t have sex before you get married. So marriage has always had a level of importance in my own mind.

Selena: I grew up in the church and it was monumental to my growth and view of marriage. I knew once I got married I wouldn’t consider a divorce.

What made you want to pour into marriages?

Ryan: I would call it a quarter life crisis. About 7 years ago, I was working with our web development company—designing and writing code myself. We launched the business 10 years ago and had gotten these clients that I thought would be the Holy Grail. I thought we were living the dream but I was working long hours and hated it.

I started wondering why I was doing it. I was OK at it, but not great at it. I started asking God what He had for us and we wanted to do it God’s way. I had also done a lot of work with publishers and started wondering what if we started a marriage ministry. We had also seen a lot of our friends go through their first five or seven years of marriage and divorce. We started asking why ours was working and we wanted to be together still.

As clear as day, it was just Jesus. There’s no other reason we’re together. But knowing Christ and how we’re loved in Him is why we’re still together. We realized there’s something to be said in this space. We don’t know it all, but what we do know we’ll share openly and transparently. I spent a month or so building out the plan and we launched a few months later.

Why do you think some of your friends were getting divorced?

There’s a lot going on before marriage that could be brought in as baggage. If you’ve had other sexual partners and Christ hasn’t helped you walk through that, for example.

The theme is the softness of heart and respect for each other that comes from wanting to hear God’s word and bend my will to it. It’s why we say it always comes back to Jesus. I don’t know how to make sense of love outside of Chris. When I look at Him it all becomes clear and the standard.

Christ empowers us to be able to love each other and have the hard conversations in the marriage covenant. If we’re not able to really walk through things from pre-marriage with Christ, it’s hard to continue walking together. We build walls and don’t want to be vulnerable.

What do you say to someone listening who isn’t a believer and is hearing things like ‘covenant’ and ‘Jesus is Lord’?

For someone who doesn’t know what it means to love Jesus, it’s the grace of God that you’re listening to this. This is an opportunity to start that journey. Whether you call yourself a Christian or not, we don’t assume you know what it means to experience the true Gospel. We do them a disservice if we don’t at least create a framework where they can start getting answers to their questions.

In our book we released this last April, we spent a whole chapter on Gospel, Love and Covenant. We found that couples who understand truth about love and covenant will always have the behavior they want. But if we just try to give them tips for the behavior, that’s just behavior modification. At the core of it, our mission is to point people to Christ.

What differences do you see in millennial marriages?

The biggest thing we always say is: step one is to not assume what people believe or their worldview. Step two is to not be afraid to point them to Jesus. People want a relationship that lasts for life and is transparent. And we know how to get that and it’s Jesus.

What are the things you hear millennials are struggling with?

One of them would be finding true community where you’re known and knowing others. Having those people you can do life with and be transparent is so important.

The second is to understand longevity and stability with a true long-term vision in mind. It allows you to table issues and rely on your covenant. Let love mature.

The third one is our generation can tend to get scared of conflict. It’s why we want to live on Instagram. It’s mainly because we haven’t been taught how to resolve conflict so we walk away from it.

Talk about being married and working together. How do you make that work?

Selena: We’ve become a pretty good team. Ryan handles a lot of the day-to-day work of keeping Fierce Marriage running. I handle our children and the day-to-day home life, but we’re both trying to bring Jesus into these situations.

Ryan: It’s understanding that we’re a team even though she’s not on a laptop next to me. It’s learning generosity and to be generous with your appreciation. Me working from home has been another transition for us. Bt seeing it as an opportunity to really serve each other. I’ll come down and relieve her if the kids are acting up.

Your one simple thing for this week:

Ryan: Fight naked—literally and figuratively. It’s hard to get mad when someone is disrobing and figuratively don’t go into a fight with your armor on, stay vulnerable.

Selena: Find an adventure you’ve been wanting to do and do it together. It doesn’t have to be big; it could be finding a park or a new trail.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 056: How do I handle my spouse’s pet peeves? Nov 07, 2018

What do we do when our spouse does something that drives us crazy? A definition of a pet peeve is: “a minor complaint or irritation that’s more annoying to you than anyone else." We’re not talking about deeper level things, just those little things that drive you nuts.

Some of the most common pet peeves:

Leaving the toilet seat up
Driving distracted by electronic devices
Putting empty cartons back in the fridge
Leaving clothes on the floor
Whistling
Telling the same joke over and over, expecting you to laugh
Leaving trash in the car
Not asking for directions or using the GPS
Falling asleep on the sofa instead of going to bed
Not putting your keys in the place where you go to get the keys
Chewing with your mouth open at the table
Always being late
Taking the covers at night
Squeezing the toothpaste from the wrong part of the tube
Leaving stuff in your clothes pockets when it goes to the laundry

In preparation for this episode, Ted text his wife, Nancie, to ask about her pet peeves. Here’s how that went down.

Ted: We are talking about pet peeves on the podcast tomorrow. What is something I do that drives you nuts? This is the minor stuff, not the big stuff.
Nancie: That sounds like a question designed to hurt somebody’s feelings (especially mine).
Ted: You don’t have any and I’m not mentioning them. But I can mention my own. . . so what are they my love.
Nancie: You break rules.
Ted: That hurts my feelings.

What causes pet peeves?

Misattribution

Many times, there is misattribution. This is when you attribute something to the wrong thing or person. You aren’t really the frustration with your spouse; you are frustrated by work, but attribute that frustration to your spouse.

It’s thinking, “I feel all this because of them”, not realizing your ‘tank of frustration’ may already be full and it comes out on these small things.

Affective Association

On the opposite side is ‘Affective Association’. One scientific study broke married couples into two groups. The researchers showed one group images of their spouse interspersed with beautiful things.

The other group saw their spouse and then images of neutral images. All the people who saw the first slide show ranked their marriage higher than when they started.

The Truth:

How we handle pet peeves matters because silly fights can cause serious damage.

Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

You can choose to let a pet peeve go or you can talk to them in a way that is loving and encouraging. We all know we do some things that drive our spouse crazy and we want to be treated this way.

How you do this depends on your relationship. It may be playful or more serious. For some people, the humor really helps. For others it may just be talking about it in a softer way.

Your one simple thing for this week

When it comes to your spouse’s pet peeves, there are some things you can drop and some things you have to say. But do both in truth and grace. You could start by asking your spouse for one thing that you do that drives them crazy. Then be brave enough to take it.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 055: How can I start my marriage well? (with Scott Kedersha) Oct 31, 2018

Links

About Scott Kedersha

To talk about the importance of starting marriage well, Ted got an interview with Scott Kedersha, the director of Marriage Ministry at Watermark Church in Dallas, Texas. Scott has recently written a book called Ready or Knot, which is specifically for engaged and newlywed couples—they’ll talk about it more during the episode.

Scott and his wife Kristen have been married for 17 years and live in Dallas with their four sons. Now sit back and enjoy this interview with Ted and Scott Kedersha.

Interview Tell us a little about you and your family.

I have been married to Kristen for 17 years and we have four boys—twins who are teenagers, a 12 year old, and 10 year old. We live in Dallas and I work at a church called Watermark as a marriage pastor. I work with everyone along the relational spectrum and it forces me to work hard on my own marriage.

How did you meet your wife?

Kristen was one of my instructors in grad school. It was love at first sight for me, but took her four years. She comes from a military family with parents who are still married. My dad died when I was six years old. My mom remarried, so I have one brother and a few step-siblings. My step-dad just passed away almost two years ago now.

We came from very different families. She is the stable, steady one. I’m the drama queen—up and down, more emotional. We just don’t like the gender stereotypes, because we break almost all of them. We have very different personalities but love being married to each other.

Has that always been the case?

We’re really fortunate. Kristen is as laid back as they come and handles a house with four boys really well. We just like each other a lot. It hasn’t been easy—our toughest season was when the twins were born. No money, no sleep. But for the most part we’ve done really well. Being low maintenance doesn’t come naturally; we do work hard to get our marriage to a place where we enjoy being together.

What are some little things you’ve done recently to improve your marriage?

We have twins in high school and one of them runs cross-country. He has to get up at 5:45am to be at the school by 6:15am. One of us has to get up early to wake him and get him to school. We both race to the opportunity to do that to better serve one another.

What are the tensions people don’t see coming when preparing for marriage?

There’s been a little bit of a shift. We used to have to tell people that marriage is hard, but somewhere over the last 12 years, we don’t have to convince people of that anymore. They’ve grown up in broken homes, so I don’t have to convince them—they know marriage is hard.

We need to convince them that marriage is amazing. Apart from my relationship with Jesus, my relationship with Kristen is the best thing in my world. People are hungry—they can Google and find information, but they want to be in this thing together. We want people to see that marriage is fun and relationships are fun. It doesn’t have to be a stuffy class. We provide an experience for couples where they can understand they’re struggling with the same things.

What are some of the things that distinguishes a successful marriage?

Our church surveyed over 400 leaders over the years to see characteristics of couples who do marriage well. A few things came out. They’re open in their relationship, honest, transparent, teachable, and humble. We try to tell real stories about disagreements we had 25 minutes ago.

What would you say to a couple who is thinking about getting married?

First, the marriage relationship is unique. While you’re dating, you can break up, move, switch jobs. But marriage is designed as a unique relationship. Before you enter in, you need to know what you’re committing to.

I tell couples that life is better when you’re with others. When you look over time, you see God work in the context of community. Marriage is worth fighting for—it’s a relationship that affects more than just one man and one woman but the community around you. There’s generational impact. So what’re you going to do with this relationship?

What’re some other things that people can do to help their marriage?

In the newlywed period, it’s so fun and exciting. We’ll see couples decide to go buy a house, and they’ll make the decision on their own. The lender tells them to max out what they buy and they come into marriage with college and car debt.

They make this big decision and don’t process with others. But I would say to process decisions with others. If you’re friends with someone making a big decision, help them with that. Friends don’t let friends make decisions on their own.

How does co-habitation impact marriage?

Studies show 60-80% of couples live together before they’re married. It’s so normal and everyone (parents, friends) is telling them to move in together. But what it often does is build up the idea that they can be together and enjoy the benefits of marriage with no commitment.

As soon as things get difficult, they want to run away and be with the next person. It gives them the idea that once things are hard they can get out. It’s not the stable foundation you want in your relationship. It becomes all about me. Marriage calls us to the opposite. Selfishness gets in the way and causes fights and quarrels among us.

How has your work with marriages impacted your community?

When I started in this job in 2006, my boss pulled me aside and asked what if we set an audacious goal to help marriage in Dallas. We wanted 10% of all couples who got married in our county to go through our pre-marital ministry.

Our big goal was to reach 1,400 couples and do everything we could to prepare them for marriage. We thought if we could change the marriage relationships, it’d change everything. Every year, we’ve chipped away. This year we’ll have over 1,000 couples go through the ministry and more than half of them don’t go to our church.

How can a couple build a solid foundation in their marriage?

If you look at Sermon on the Mount, Jesus talks about all these big topics. Then he gets to the end and says you have two choices with what I’ve given you: you either build your house on the rock or on the sand. Trials are going to come and we get to help couples build it right. I would encourage every couple to be building their home on the right, solid foundation.

Your one simple thing for this week

For the pre-marital couple, go into marriage asking how you can put the needs of your spouse before your own.

For the rest of couples, we all have things we hate to do around the house. Ask your spouse what they hate to do and then you do it.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better. We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

If you want more from Scott, you can check out his book Ready or Knot, available for pre-order.

MP 054: How does depression impact my marriage? (with Todd Graham) Oct 24, 2018

Our co-host Ted Lowe sat down for an interview with friend of the podcast, Todd Graham. Todd is a speaker, author and the family pastor at Eastside Baptist Church in Atlanta, Ga. He’s got many years of experience leading marriage and family ministries at a few different churches across the country. Todd has been married for 19 years and has three kids.

Todd has also been very involved with MarriedPeople over the years. He’s written for our blog, spoken at our conferences, and been a tremendous leader behind the scenes. But perhaps our favorite thing about Todd is his transparency. Todd gives so much hope through what he does by being real about the tough stuff.

Todd shares about his struggle with depression, the impact it has had on his marriage, and how he has learned to handle his depression in a way that is actually helpful and empowering to his marriage. It’s important to note that Todd is talking about people who experience every day, common depression tendencies vs. those who need legit professional help.

Interview

You were a first responder before being a pastor. Talk a little about that.

While I was pastoring I was a police officer in a county just north of Atlanta for several years and I’ve also worked on their fire department and part time in the trauma department at the children’s hospital.

How has depression impacted you personally as a husband and dad?

As a pastor, I see it all the time. The thing about depression is that it never just impacts one person—it also impacts their marriage. It’s a lonely thing because it can be a taboo topic. I’ve struggled with it for years—probably most of my life. It’s amazing how many leaders deal with it.

Why do you think people suffer in silence with this? Why don’t we talk about it?

Most of the people I talk with that are dealing with it ask the same thing. Things like diabetes or other illnesses are provable—you can document and put them on paper and there are clear action steps to take care of them. But the emotional or mental conditions are more difficult. And there are so many different types. I think a lot of people don’t even realize they’re dealing with it.

What would you say to people who don’t understand the struggle?

That is one of the biggest struggles that makes people who are dealing with it not want to talk about it. Depression is not something you can just turn off or turn on. It takes them over and they don’t know how to deal with it. You often don’t know how to deal with it and don’t even want to because nothing can fix it right away. It’s a multi-faceted thing that takes you over physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

How do you respond to Christians who say “Isn’t Jesus enough”?

That’s just one more reason people won’t talk about it. So many people come into my office hurt by statements like that. Christ is supposed to be our joy. But the thing is that things aren’t working right in your head. If you’re having a hard time figuring that out, it doesn’t mean you’re broken or that there’s anything wrong with your relationship with Jesus.

What’s the difference between sadness and depression?

Everyone experiences sadness, but one of the biggest myths about depression is that it’s sadness. Sadness is just a byproduct. Depression is when the passion of life actually fades—your desire to do things that make life what it is goes away. You become cynical and feel drained. You can get numb without being sad.

What are the differences with people you see who are in depression?

Guys have a tendency to get angrier about it. In general, men are fixers. When they can’t fix it, they tend to get angry. Women tend to be sadder, because they’re sad that they’re sad and can’t figure out why.

Other clues are that little things will get you disproportionately angry or frustrated. Or things that are a big deal aren’t a big deal anymore and you stop taking care of things. Passion in life fades and things you usually like to do don’t excite you anymore. Some people start sleeping more to get away from it. Laughter is often replaced with cynicism and productivity drops. Those are all hints when you get into a cycle or become constant.

What does this look like for people who are married to someone with depression?

A lot of times people don’t know. It can be very difficult for the person who is dealing with depression to communicate how dark it gets on the inside. If your spouse is trying to explain this to you, realize the effort that took to explain to you.

Many times, it can be hard to separate between marital issues and depression. When it doesn’t feel like one of the spouses is energized by the relationship, it can feel like something is wrong between them. Which is often not the case. It really has nothing to do with the other person, but it can be hard not to feel like it’s about you.

How do people usually respond to a spouse with depression?

Men in particular are fixers and they want to press a button and fix their spouse. If you love the person you’re going to want to fix it to help them feel better. But with depression, another person can’t fix you. At this point, it’s common for both spouses to want to fix it. But just to have someone understand helps a lot.

When your spouse is dealing with something like this and fixing doesn’t work, the spouse not dealing with it runs out of ideas and feels like they’ve done their best. They can internalize it and feel like they’re broken. It’s easy to get defensive when you’ve done your very best and putting all your effort into marriage and there’s nothing positive coming out of it. It can feel like they aren’t enough for the other spouse.

Do you see a change with how the church is handling depression?

Yes, we are talking about it more and we need to talk about it. There are so many different levels of depression/burnout that a lot of it could be stopped before it gets intense by just talking about it. There’s a big difference between clinical depression and ‘regular everyday’ depression that’s being triggered by anxiety. We can do something about that second part, and if people dealing with the first part get more comfortable talking about it they can get the help they need.

How have you handled your own depression?

I didn’t know I was dealing with it for a while. One day, I read a blog post by Carey Nieuwhof and he was listing the top clues to know you’re burning out. I read that article and realized I was all of them. It explained what was happening. No one had ever talked about it. That was my wakeup call.

For me, I pick one thing physically, mentally and spiritually to do every day. If nothing else happens for the day, at least I did one thing. I’m a runner and I’ll get in over 1,000 miles this year. Most of those are to prevent the darkness from taking me over. Get outside and do something physically.

How do you get yourself up off the couch when you’re struggling with depression?

The first step is getting out the door. Go for a walk. Last night, I was planning on going on a long run and I went for a mile walk instead. The enemy of depression is doing something, because when it’s eating at you, you want to do nothing. Start with one meal and choose something grown from the ground instead of produced. Everything counts, no matter how big or small it is. The physical stuff is a game changer.

What are some other solutions for dealing with depression?

I always do something mentally every day. I’m a reader because I know it betters me and makes my mind stronger. Any kind of book you can read will activate the part of your brain that’s not is not wanting to function and will help kick start you out of the cycle.

I also use The 5 Minute Journal. It starts out with three things you’re grateful for and closes you out with one thing that happened during the day that you’re grateful for. There’s a lot of research on it and how it keeps you in a positive headspace.

Spiritually, I try to do one thing every day—get into a devotional to keep me connected. Just knowing that God loves you and believing that Jesus came and died for you, that’s great. But it doesn’t fix things around you. It gives you a new perspective on how to deal with things. Knowing who Jesus is isn’t the answer, but adding him back into the equation in your daily life is.

These aren’t quick fixes but they are the road for keeping your head about you and keep the dark times from staying so dark.

What are your views on depression medication?

God designed the brain so incredibly. When you’re in a space where you can handle and manage yourself, you should do everything in your power to do that. But there are cases where people need help, and God placed doctors who can help us.

Medication scan be incredibly important for people who need them. Anyone who says people shouldn’t take medication are speaking out of ignorance. I don’t think they’re trying to be mean, but they don’t understand. Sometimes we need some help and that’s the route to go.

What should people do if they’re feeling hopeless?

Those are people listening to the lies in their head. The dream is that they would experience life fully every day. But if you’re not there right now, take it moment-by-moment. You’re here and you’ve brought a smile to someone’s face or changed someone’s day. It’s hard to find hope in that dark space because you don’t feel you have value but that’s just not true. You can go prove it by doing something for someone.

How important is community and letting people in?

Isolation is what kills a lot of relationships. One of the difficult things about depression is that you do feel isolated. It’s why talking about it helps so tremendously—you find out it’s not just you. You are not the only person who is dealing with this. I say the same thing to spouses—you’re not the only person in this position. Keep up the work and know you’re not alone in this.

Your one simple thing:

For those struggling with depression, pick one thing physically, mentally or spiritually (or all three) and do that each day.

For the spouse, don’t take it personal. Keep answering your spouse’s question (for men: “Do I have what it takes?” and for women: “Would you pick me again?) and you’ve done your best.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better. We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 053: How can I help my spouse after loss of a loved one? Oct 17, 2018

Today’s question is pretty heavy, but it’s a part of marriage for a lot of couples. We talked to Sandy Wise (Episodes 25 & 26) about what to do when you lose your spouse and that was an amazing conversation.

This week, our discussion is about what to do when your spouse has lost a loved one. Most people don’t think about what to do until they’re in the middle of it. It’s never easy, but there are ways to process.

The Tension

There will be times in our marriage when our spouse will experience a big loss.

Ted: I do have some experience with loss. I lost my mom when I was 10, suddenly. After going through that, I thought I had “paid off the grim reaper” and it wouldn’t happen again. My dad raised us, but my mom’s sister helped raise us after my mom passed away.

She had a son who struggled with drugs and alcohol starting at 14 years old. In his mid-twenties, he overdosed and passed away. He was more like a brother than a cousin to me. Then a couple years later, the same aunt got an odd infection and passed away.

I didn’t do so well. I was very quiet and withdrawn. I wept a lot and did odd things, like call her phone and leave her messages. But I could do all those things with Nancie. A lot of times, well-meaning people and spouses do things that unintentionally hurt the other person. But Nancie would just tell me she was sorry, that it was crazy and that she couldn’t believe it. That helped me, and it drew us together

The Truth

How you handle their loss can connect you or disconnect you from your spouse?

Listen and don’t fix. People say, “I don’t know what to say.” Good. Don't worry about what you say. Just listen and sit there.
Run from clichés. They don’t help at all. Stick to a couple of phrases: “I’m so sorry” and, “For what it’s worth, I’m praying for you.”
Realize every day is different. Grief is like an ocean more than it is steps. It still hits me (Ted) at weird times—like when my son graduated high school.
Let them grieve in weird ways. I (Ted) would call my Aunt’s cell phone and leave messages.
Stand in the gaps—for example, take the kids where they need to go for them.
Be their advocate.
Let them cry.
Let them repeat themselves.
Take care of you. It will drain you when you have to be selfless for your spouse through this. Make sure you have a friend you can share with too.

Your one simple thing

If your spouse is in the middle of this, there’s one question you can ask, “How are you doing?” Then, just listen.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 052: What do I do if my spouse is more introverted or extroverted than I am? Oct 10, 2018

Our personality something that plays a major role in our marriages. Typically, it seems like we’re drawn to someone different than ourselves. Though it’s not always true, most of the people we know are different than their spouses in this way.

Introversion vs. Extroversion

First, let’s define the difference between introvert and extrovert:

Introverts get energy from being alone.
Extroverts get energy from being with other people.

Afton: I think it is a common misconception that when you’re the life of the party around people or you’re charismatic, you’re extroverted. But I’m often drained after lots of time with people and need alone time.

CJ: I am definitely introverted and probably fit the stereotype. Teri was an extrovert in college and I think she’s moved a little more toward being an introvert.

Ted: Nancie is really comfortable on stage and in front of people. So it seems like she’s an extrovert, but she’s really not.

What is an ambivert?

The confusion is that people often think it’s about how you interact with people, but it’s really more about where you get your energy. There is also a third category:

An ambivert is someone who exhibits both qualities of introversion and extroversion- depending on the situation and the people involved. One half to two thirds of people say they’re an ambivert. Here are some questions to help you know:

Do you crave alone time but also love people?
Do certain situations/people make you feel outgoing while other situations/people make you quiet and reserved?
Do you struggle with the labels introverts and extroverts?

What this means

Truth: Personality differences are great opportunities to communicate unconditional love.

We can get so frustrated with a spouse if we haven’t processed who they are and celebrated who they are. How do we make this practical?

If you're an extrovert married to an introvert:

Introverts often need time to process. When they speak, it’s been thought out. So you start the conversation, knowing they may need to come back later to finish it. They really do want to talk about themselves, but you may need to be a better listener.
Know that your introverted spouse needing time alone is not a personal slam towards you. Talk about when it is best for them to get alone time and when you need to reconnect as a couple.
Many introverts don’t mind talking about themselves. They just need some time to process it and often times an invitation.
Don’t spring social surprises on your introverted spouse. Saying, “hey, I invited my new friends over for dinner” can be a nightmare for your introverted spouse. It’s OK to have people over, but introverts typically like to have more warning.
Ask them: what situations/scenes do you dislike the most? Figure out the times that are most draining. Is it big gatherings, medium size gatherings, small gatherings?
Ask them: when we are in these situations, what do you need from me? Do you want me to pull you out of the corner at partiers or let you stay there?
Support who they are by giving them time at the end of the day or whenever they need it most. But it is OK to say I love being with you so can we some set time when we are together and you are not alone?

If you're an introverts married to an extrovert:

Your extroverted spouse processes issues and problems through talking them out. Giving them time to do that with you is a gift to them.
Introverts: since you tend to keep things more to yourself, check yourself for being passive aggressive.
Ask your extroverted spouse:
- Where is your favorite place to get a ‘people fix’?
- What people give you the most energy?
- What are the times that you want me to be with you the most?

The key is to work together and not use your extrovert or introvert personality to give you an excuse to do the things that cause division between you. For example, you shouldn’t say, “I don’t want to be around your family cause I’m an introvert” or “I don’t care if people are over during dinner cause I’m an extrovert”.

Finally, when you feel frustrated with your spouse’s differences, think about specific benefits those differences bring to their lives.

Your one simple thing for this week

Figure out which category you and your spouse fall into. If you already know what category they fall into, ask them the high and low of falling into that category.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 051: How can we be great parent in-laws? (with Jana and Stephen Guynn) Oct 03, 2018

In a previous episode, we had a conversation about how to have a great relationship with your in-laws. This is the other side of that conversation—how you can be great in-laws when you’ve got grown kids who are married.

About the guests

On this episode, we interviewed Jana and Stephen Guynn, who have been married for 27 years. They have two adult children, Dalton and Quincy. Dalton has been married for just a couple of years and Quincy just got engaged.

The Guynns have been marriage mentors to our co-host, Ted Lowe and his wife Nancie for the last 15 years. Ted interviewed the Guynns about how they have navigated the new world of being parents-in-law.

Interview with Stephen & Jana Guynn Can you introduce yourselves and tell us a little about you?

We’ll have been married 27 years here soon and have two great kids. A 25-year-old son named Dalton and 23-year-old daughter Quincy. Dalton has been married for two years to the love of his life and Quincy just got engaged over the weekend.

Talk a little about what you do professionally.

I (Stephen) work for a local IT company and am a proposal response manager. Up until about four years ago, I was in IT sales and wasn’t wired for it all. God opened this door up and I’m enjoying what I’m doing for a change.

I (Jana) have been with North Point Ministries for 15 years, most of it working in marriage ministry or production—producing the main services. I’ve recently taken on some duties to shepherd the people who get baptized as well.

How do you act as each other’s biggest champions?

We are flawed and have struggled but we’ve stepped into being each other’s biggest cheerleaders. It is the best feeling in the world when your kids are employed and are taking care of themselves, working in the groove God created them to work in.

We high five each other every now and then. We were pretty purposeful about raising our kids to be fully functional adults. We had people in our lives who were ahead of us and we were able to go to those people for advice.

How have you downsized since becoming empty nesters?

We went from five bedrooms down to two when we moved into a smaller house. We got rid of two-thirds of things we owned. It was the most freeing thing we’ve ever done.

It was difficult for me (Stephen) because I didn’t realize how much I identified myself with what I had. But it is freeing not to have all this stuff. It has freed us up to live our life and it has made us better for each other.

Why is it difficult for people to be great parent-in-laws?

I think it boils down to trust. You have to trust your children enough to know they are picking a great person to date. From the minute they started dating, we would invite that person into our family. We really believe that if God put this teenager in our family for a season, we were going to love on them. We’ve been intentional about creating an easy space to hang out.

I wish I (Stephen) had a dollar for every time Jana told our kids, “God has a plan and a purpose for you.” By instilling that, it causes your kids to recognize that it’s not just about their little box but God has something more out there for them to do.

Hopefully by later high school, your kids have a sense of who they are and whose they are. So when they do get into that serious relationship they can step into that clearly.

How did you guys talk to your kids about their future spouse when they were growing up?

One important thing we’ve seen play out now with Dalton as an adult. He was a very sensitive kid and we used to pray over and with him to thank God for his sensitive heart.

As a boy, he thought he shouldn’t have a sensitive heart, but we kept encouraging him that God was going to use that to be a great caretaker and husband to his wife. He loves his wife, Emily, dearly. As you parent and lead your children toward whose they are. And it sets us up to be great parent-in-laws. It starts early.

What are the challenges for people who want to be a great parent-in-law?

If you have a strained relationship with someone that your child is married to, you have to own your own part in it. As a parent, you can be a benevolent dictator, but as an in-law you just have to be benevolent. You have to want the best for that person, give the most generous explanation for that person’s behavior.

What I mean by ‘benevolent dictator’ is that when you’re raising your children, you are in charge of their schedules, their phone, who they’re hanging out with, etc. When they are adults, you just become benevolent and love on them. When they’re adults with jobs, we speak into their life when they ask. But if we’re not asked, we don’t speak into it.

When our kids went off to college, we took more of an advisory role with them. We let them experience the consequences when they messed up. It’s important to let them fail and then help them figure out how to move forward.

How do you form a good relationship with your child-in-law?

You don’t know what your child-in-law might be bringing into the marriage. It may not be all about you—it may be something going on with your child-in-law. The thing there is to try to figure out what’s going on at the heart of the issue with a strained relationship.

We’ve raised our kids to have their first thought be for their spouse. They should go to them first with their good news, their hurts. We should always take the back seat. We want to be the easy in-laws. We want to be the ones who make things easy for them.

That’s one thing we learned early in our marriage. When I (Stephen) first married Jana, I was still a momma’s boy. The life lesson we learned was how important it is to go to your spouse first before going to your parent. Jana felt second best in the relationship, and that’s not how it should have been. The challenge is to raise your child to leave and cleave.

How do you take the route of being the ‘easy’ in-laws?

People are inherently selfish. I know I am! It’s something we battle all the time. But as a really good in-law, you have to continually put yourself in your own place. I’d much rather put myself in my place than my son have to sit me down and say I offended his wife.

How do you build a relationship with your child-in-law’s family?

We were already good friends with Emily’s parents when she and Dalton started dating. We were thrilled, but also treated the situation like they may break up. Thankfully, they never did. Our daughter met her fiancé on a high school mission trip, so we met his parents thinking it wouldn’t last. But we’ve always invited them into our life and gotten along.

The challenge in our marriage is that Jana’s mom is in North Carolina and Stephen’s family is here (in Georgia). We always felt pulled in different directions for holidays and we were always determined we wouldn’t let that happen with our kids.

How do you fix a strained relationship with your in-laws?

If it’s your fault, you have to be the one who goes to them to repair the situation. You need to own your responsibility, and then be purposeful in treating them better than you even treat your own child. I take Emily out shopping or to lunch without Dalton. She loves my son—so why wouldn’t I do everything I can to love on her?

Talking about the other side of it. It takes some maturity on the parent’s part to take a step back and realize it may not be about you. Your child-in-law may be trying to manage their own wound and without realizing it you may be poking a wound. Is the challenge more important than the relationship? Ask loving, non-invasive questions to nurture a relationship.

Your one simple thing for this week.

Stephen: Remember that you’re not only gaining a child-in-law but also potentially a son or daughter and you have the opportunity to love them like that. You gain a potential source of joy. They married this person for a reason; jump on the train with them!

Jana: The simple, fun takeaway is to love that child. Love them the best you can—find out things that are fun for them and do those things with them.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

50th Episode: What our hosts have learned. Sep 26, 2018

Today we’re looking back over our first 50 episodes and the things we’ve learned. We’ve interviewed 25 people and had over 30,000 people listening to this podcast!

We still can’t believe we’ve come this far (and had so many people listening). We’re excited to pause and reflect.

Listener Feedback

We’ve had a lot of feedback from listeners, through surveys and iTunes reviews. Here are some we really like:

“This podcast gives me a way of being intentional about grow and getting better in my marriage. There are nuggets of wisdom in every podcast that can be taken and applied.”
“On the days I listen to the show, I have a great day with my wife.”
“It’s so refreshing to get real about marriage with people who are real about marriage. This podcast makes it so easy to get applicable and instantly doable steps for a better marriage.

What was your favorite episode and why?

Afton: Mine is probably pretty predictable, and it was a while ago – the Micro Moves episode (001). It was a practical one that you can easily implement.
Ted: I think mine was the Kindness Challenge (004 with Shaunti Feldhahn). It was one of those moments where I thought if I can learn how to do that with people, it’d be huge.
CJ: I think mine was the social media episode (042 with Dave Adamson). There were some good tidbits in there, but it was also so fun to record.

What interviews have impacted your own marriage and why?

Afton: I really liked one of the last ones we did with Tim Elmore (046 about Millennials). Tim is so nice and was so fun to talk to.
Ted: Mine would definitely be Nancie Lowe (031).
CJ: I would probably go back to the episodes with Sandy Wise (025 & 026). The perspective she brought from her marriage to our podcast is something I’ve carried with me.

How has the podcast impacted your marriage in general?

Afton: I feel almost like a listener because after we record an episode it sparks conversations at home with Hudson. Before this, we didn’t often talk about our marriage, just about issues as they’d come up. But now we talk through all these topics.
CJ: I would just say it has impacted my marriage. There’s something that happens when you’re having these weekly conversations and then go home and talk to your spouse – your marriage starts to grow.
Ted: I love what you said CJ – about it causing your marriage to grow organically or unintentionally. We’ve been able to get granular on topics and it’s given me time and space to think through these things. I’ve loved having Nancie help me gauge if I’m being authentic in marriage ministry through the years.

If we could get anyone in the world on this podcast, who would it be and why?

Afton: Monica and Chandler Bing from Friends. I just want to talk to them – I think it’d be fun. I’m such a Monica I want to know how she functioned in marriage. In real life, I’d probably pick Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell – they’re just so cute and real about their relationship.
Ted: Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter – I would love to hear from them. I’ve heard him talk about her and she was nobody’s pushover. And he talks about her and how they thought differently about big issues – like whether to go to war. They’ve been together 69 years. Them or the couple from Friday Night Lights.
CJ: I’m actually going to surprise you, Afton – mine is a fictional couple from Parenthood; Adam and Kristina. She had cancer and they got through that.

We want to hear from you!

We would love to find out what you think about the first 50 episodes AND find out who you’d like us to have for the next 50. Who would you like to hear from? And what topics do you wish we’d cover that we haven’t already?

You can tell us by going to http://marriedpeople.org/feedback and take our survey. You can also connect with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If your suggestions are fictional, you can send them to Afton.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 049: How can I deal with sexual baggage in my marriage? (with Mo Isom Aiken) Sep 19, 2018

Mo is a New York Times bestselling author and a nationally sought-after speaker. Her newest book Sex, Jesus, and the Conversations the Church Forgot is about the role the church can play in the conversation about sex and sexuality. Mo lives in Atlanta with her husband, Jeremiah, and their two daughters, Auden and Asher.

Interview

Tell us about your sports background.

I played soccer at LSU for four years and realized going into my senior year that every NCAA athlete gets five years of eligibility, but only four in one sport. I was going to finish soccer in four years without interruptions.

I’d always played with the guys in the football facility about joining their team. I trained with the team for 22 months—lifting weights, doing agility training. By the time I tried out we had gone from two specialists to eight specialists, so I didn’t make the roster.

Tell us a little about yourself and your family.

My family is my greatest blessing and the best part of myself. My husband Jeremiah is like 6’5” and a blessing from the Lord. He leads our family so well. I’m 6’1” so we’re a tall family.

My kids are two and a half and ten months and they’re both already toddler size. We’re just big people and have a fun household. I want to be someone who will support whatever my kids want to do, but I don’t think they have a choice but to be in sports. I just need them to show some coordination!

Talk about your book and why you gave it that title.

The title came to me a few years ago—Sex, Jesus, and the Conversations the Church Forgot. In 2015, my husband and I had just married and were just walking into this season of sex within marriage in the confines of a covenant. I was struggling with so much from my past, so much that no one had ever talked to me about.

I had struggled with promiscuity, pornography and feeding my flesh. I came to know Jesus and I was so confused. I remember reading an article about a girl who waited to have sex until her wedding night and regretted her decision. It broke my heart. Even though I was confused, I still recognize the beauty within marriage.

I was still figuring a lot out, but I knew sex was a gift from God. I needed to find healing and wholeness in my own life and marriage. I knew someone should reclaim sex for the glory of God and I finally realized I should.

The title and all that I wanted to share just hit me one day in my kitchen. I never would’ve imagined the felt need it would hit when it released. So many people, across the board, have so many questions and are figuring it out. If we want to see a shift in our culture, we have to have wholeness in our own hearts first.

What sexual baggage did you brought into marriage?

We live in a culture in the church where we’re supposed to deny, deny, deny sex during singleness and then we’re supposed to stand at the alter and flip a switch. When you get married, now sex is amazing and totally permissible. It’s confusing if we don’t understand what sex is and why it matters.

I was raised in a Christian home and the church had a lot to say about the rule following behavior modification. But I didn’t know heart transformation so I pushed the envelope as far as I could. I rationalized and waived a banner of virginity, but didn’t know anything of purity.

When I was younger, I came across some of my dad’s pornography and it seared something in me. I developed a decade long struggle and many women in the church are struggling with it. I lost my dad unexpectedly to suicide and tried to fill that void in college with physicality. I gave so much of myself away trying to get a man’s heart.

Sophomore year of college I came to know Jesus and it completely transformed my life and heart. God immediately started a transformation for me in this area and I started an ‘intimacy fast’. I called it ‘kissless till next Christmas’. I knew I needed healing and this went on for two years.

The next man I met was Jeremiah and we moved through our dating relationship with a reframed understanding, but we still struggled. We came to such a point of conviction to either flee or marry. We prayed about it separately and God gave us the same word of coming together in marriage.

We stood at the altar and were able to stand there with great conviction about why we were marrying. We both had pasts that we hoped we could brush under the rug. Right at the start of marriage, all this stuff came crashing down.

My sister-in-law shared this quote with me about how before marriage, the enemy will do what he can to bring us together, and after marriage, he’ll do what he can to keep us apart. His goal is to divide us. We have to process, seek forgiveness, break off connections we had with people and fight for our marriage.

How is this less about behavior modification and more about heart transformation?

When we’re waiving this banner of virginity for the sake of virginity, it’s a works-based answer to a life-surrender question. God is asking for all of our minds, all of our hearts and we’re like “what if I give you some semi-good behavior?

But God is calling us to this greater heart condition of purity. Then virginity becomes a beautiful by-product. People are trying to modify their behavior but they’re not encountering true heart transformation.

What do you suggest to other people who have baggage in their marriage?

In the newlywed bed, especially, the enemy shames us into silence, confusion, and shame. This is where the gospel becomes practical. We have the strength and ability to break the chains of the shame and move through into healing.

Whether you’re 30 years in or three weeks in, there’s beauty in coming to the person we’re in covenant with and having the conversation. It takes grace on both sides because processing through sexual stuff is scary. For my husband and myself, it’s a regular check in about what’s going on and there’s amazing freedom that comes from that vulnerability.

What about the person who has tried to talk to their spouse and they don’t want to talk about it?

The first place you can go is to talk to God about it. Prayer on behalf of our spouse is the best thing we can bring into the marriage covenant. Finding an accountability or prayer partner can also be really helpful. But navigating that in a careful way is important—not just gossiping about your marriage to someone. But having this person to carry our burdens can be really beneficial. And sometimes that can be a counselor.

We can look at two stories to see who Jesus is in light of our sin—the woman at the well, who is a whore by all accounts. Jesus is at the well when she comes to draw water and he brings up all her sin and past. But in the face of her filth, he stays. And he offers her redemption and then sends her back to evangelize.

Then with the adulteress to be stoned. Jesus says those without sin can cast the first stone. He stands with her and doesn’t cast a stone. This is who God is in response to our sexual sin.

Sex is a unifying gift, a weapon against the enemy trying to divide us. There is power in healthy sexuality in marriage, and it’s worth it to work through the baggage.

Talk a little bit about pornography, what it does, how to protect ourselves, and how to get healing.

It’s important to remember that no temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man. Porn is a silent struggle and we are silenced by shame. This is an issue gripping the vast majority of people. I say that because it helps to understand how pervasively this has infiltrated our culture.

The average school aged kid is exposed at nine years old; I was exposed at age eight. Porn is such a universal issue because it’s so accessible and is deeply dehumanizing us. One in five mobile searches is for porn.

We are turning to quick fixes that sees other humans as body parts made for our pleasure instead of image bearing creations of God. It sickens and infects us and we become addicted to it. We have to stop rationalizing and see it as an all or nothing.

When I first came to Christ, my prayer was “break my heart for what breaks yours, give me eyes to see the world as you do and make me more like you.” If we start praying that, we can’t see porn the same. There are some practical ways to help too—software like Covenant Eyes that will guard your devices. We have to practice some discernment about what we set before our eyes.

Your one simple thing for this week:

Start praying: “Create in me a clean heart, God.”

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the MarriedPeople Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us. You can find more from Mo on her website, Instagram, Twitter and her book. You can also set up Covenant Eyes on their website.

MP 048: Why does IKEA always make us fight? Sep 12, 2018

If you’ve ever been shopping at IKEA with your spouse, you may have found yourself fighting and not realizing why.

There are so many dynamics about IKEA that therapists have spent time studying how the environments trigger conversations. Not to mention that you have to take the furniture home and put it together.

What’s been your experience at IKEA?

Afton: IKEA impacts us because when I go in, I go for a purpose. I go in for a kitchen table and then see a whole dining room setup and I want to walk out with a whole new house.
CJ: One of the things that makes Ikea stressful is that Teri and I’s opinions are clashing. We’re also clashing with the ‘ideal’ scenario that they’ve put together.
Ted: Not to mention you throw in the spender versus saver dynamic.

What’s really going on when you and your spouse go to a store like IKEA?

Ikea is a house of triggers. It took time to drive there. The store is crowded. You can get tired while shopping. All of these things overwhelm you and the primitive brain takes over.
It also feels like there’s a lot at stake. You’re making choices about things in your home and if you don’t pick right you have to look at it for years to come.
Then you get home and have to work together to put it together. That can really push some buttons in your relationship. Plus, the directions can be difficult to understand.
Small things—like putting shelves together—can lead to fighting about deeper issues. In fact, many of our fights are triggered by small things.

What do we do about it?

One of the great things is that going to IKEA may bring up some important topics or insecurities. If you ask why it’s pushing your buttons it can help get to some good conversations.
There’s a lot of opportunity to be unselfish, if you choose it.
Get curious about your own feelings and your spouses feelings and you can learn a lot. Notice the triggers going on with you and your spouse.

Whether or not you ever go to IKEA, everyday things can trigger us and cause fights that seem really silly. If we can be grace filled toward ourselves and be curious, we can learn a lot through these situations—like IKEA shopping.

Maybe you need to decide that one spouse can go to Ikea when they want and the other doesn’t necessarily need to go.

Your one simple thing for this week:

Pay attention to what triggers you and your spouse.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review—they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 047: How does health and fitness impact my marriage? (with Andrew Bowen) Sep 05, 2018

On this episode, we’re joined by Andrew Bowen—a husband and father to two teenagers. Andrew travels for work as a corporate executive and entrepreneur. He is also a health and fitness coach/mentor with his wife, Joy.

The truth is it’s difficult for all of us to keep health and fitness a priority in our lives and our marriages. We’re excited to have Andrew join us and look at this topic!

Links

Interview Tell us a little about where you began on your health and fitness journey.

This isn’t something I’ve been doing all the time. This is something that started about eight years ago. I was 37 at the time, training in martial arts and I was just heavy. Every time I got off the mat, everything hurt.

I was also probably mildly depressed. I was on the road constantly and would soothe myself with food. It’s been a journey—fitness hasn’t been a priority in our marriage the whole time. Joy actually kind of fought me until we had some medical curveballs and had to make a change.

What was your wife's pushback initially?

I think it was a little bit of jealousy more than anything else. She would tell you the same thing. I was already on the road 60% of the time. And when I was home I was heading to the gym. She also saw me making changes for my family and it was an affront to her and made her feel she wasn’t.

What are some other reasons people use for not getting in shape?

The classic excuse is not having enough time. But the biggest one is that you see someone on the eighth year of their journey and not the first step. It’s difficult to envision how the one change today will make anything different. People feel overwhelmed with time commitments or not seeing the vision of what they can do.

It’s also hard. But all the other things you do during the day didn’t cause your brain to dump a bunch of serotonin in it. Exercise does that and your body gives you a pat on the back.

How would does being in shape (or not being in shape) impact your marriage?

I’ll start with being a role model for your kids. Being that example for my boys was something that was uplifting of my status in Joy’s mind.

Setting an example to our kids was a big part of bringing us closer together. Having that struggle and seeing your spouse willing to fight that struggle brings you closer together.

What if you feel self-conscious about working out with your spouse?

If we’ve done our workout the right way, we are both sweaty, disgusting messes. But a lot changed for us about five years ago when my wife went through breast cancer. She would tell you that she felt like an alien in her own skin.

We used exercise and it brought us closer together. We’re sweaty together all the time, but there are benefits. Like you take a shower after. We like sweat dates.

What did it take for you guys to get started living healthier?

I’ll talk about my own journey first. For me, I can bring it down to a single moment. All the guys in my family study martial arts. I remember watching my first black belt test on the sideline and thinking that I’d never survive that. That’s when I decided to make some changes.

It started off small. I started by replacing French fries with veggies or a salad. I put some guardrails in my life on the road and had four rules:

Never eat brown food (anything fried)
Avoid chain restaurants, because the local ones were usually healthier
I made a goal for myself that if I saw fruit, I’d eat it. Finding fruit on the road could be hard, so if I had the chance I’d grab it.
And last was that I’d work out before wine. If I was having wine that day, I had to do my work out first

How does being healthier affect your mood?

One workout isn’t going to make a change. It’s the ongoing process—even if it’s just a week. Part of it is the self-confidence of doing a week, even if it’s working out three days or sticking to your meal plan. That sense of accomplishment starts to boost that pride and that is contagious.

What happens if one spouse works out and the other doesn’t?

We see it all the time and I’m embarrassed to say it’s mostly from the husbands. In our coaching business, we have about 90% women and 10% men. I see it on a few levels, first is the jealousy we talked about earlier.

It’s one spouse feeling less because they’re not having the same priority of themselves. I want to shake men sometimes and say, “your wife just told you she wants to get in better shape and live longer, and that’s a bad thing?” But our country is facing an epidemic and we do need to find ways to talk about it.

How is exercise a great aphrodisiac for men?

Let’s talk about chemistry for a moment. There are two things that happen when you work out consistently over time.

First, your serotonin goes up and serotonin is actually tied to sex drive. But second, as you build muscle you create testosterone which also increases sex drive in men and women. Also, when you’re feeling confident and you’re seeing the progress it helps your intimacy.

How do we encourage each other without stepping on each other’s toes?

Obviously in any relationship, communication is key. The key to being able to comment on someone’s progress is to understand their goals. Your spouse needs your reaffirmation. But if their goal was to make their pants fit better and you’re commenting on their triceps, it’s not helpful.

Have the conversation about what they’re trying to change about their body. If you’re talking about people’s physical appearance, especially if they’re not secure, it’s really easy to step on a landmine.

How do you define “getting fit” or “being healthy”?

That’s a great question, because I don’t think there’s such a thing as “I’m in shape.” For me, it’s, “how can I be better tomorrow than I am today?”

The fitness journey is exactly that—someone who has decided to place their health as one of their priorities. What that means really depends on where they’re starting and where they want to get to. If you’re not in model shape on a magazine, that doesn’t mean you’re not getting fit.

What if one spouse is passionate about this topic and one isn’t?

At some point, you have to meet your spouse where they’re at. If you’re the spouse who’s passionate about it, go do it and spend your time getting fit. But also model the rest of it.

I took on the meal prep and meal planning each week. It was an act of service I could do and help control the nutritional menu and know my kids have at least one good meal.

Here's your one simple thing based on where you are.

If you’re a beginner, do something you didn’t do yesterday, like take the dog for a walk or do the opposite and stop doing something like drinking soda. Pick one thing you can achieve.
If you’re already doing some exercise, get on some type of a program to get the consistency. And then stick with that plan.
If you’re already working out consistently and want to take it to the next level, share it with someone else. Be aware of how you share it—don’t just share the end results, but also how you got there.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review—they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. You can find more from Andrew Bowen and his wife Joy on Facebook, their website or Instagram.

MP 046: What makes a millennial marriage different? (with Dr. Tim Elmore) Aug 29, 2018

Every generation faces unique challenges, including in marriage. So what are those unique challenges for a millennial marriage?

Tim Elmore is a millennial expert and the founder of Growing Leaders. He’s an international speaker and best-selling author.

Interview with Tim Elmore Tell us a little about your organization.

I worked for John Maxwell for 20 years—working with corporate America, pastors and ‘grown’ leaders. I really wanted to take the timeless leadership principles to the next generation, and John wasn’t focusing there. But he told me I should do it, so I started Growing Leaders with his blessing in 2003.

How did you become a millennial expert?

We try to keep our ear to the ground and understand what’s going on in culture. As we were addressing students, we realized that they would never grow into leaders unless their teachers, coaches, and employers were better at leading them. A lot of our customers are older who are leading millennials and are frustrated. We’re teaching them how to tap into what’s there.

What makes a millennial a millennial?

Depending on what researcher you read, the timeframe of millennials is different. But I basically say that it’s the kids born in the ‘80’s and ‘90’s. And 1991 is the year that most kids were born in our history!

How have you seen some of the millennial generation change over time?

The millennials were the generation where change happened more rapidly than other generations. The early millennials born in the ‘80’s are slightly different than those born in the ‘90’s. The ‘90’s kids grew up with even more technology.

I think as time goes on we’ll see change happen even more rapidly. Gen Z has a totally different mindset. There are sub-populations within millennials but they are now young adults—entering their careers, starting marriages and having babies.

What are the strengths of millennials and where are they more vulnerable?

I love the socialness of millennials. They are connected. The meeting of people is not difficult, but sometimes social media is inefficient at building authentic relationships. They’re high energy and feel empowered with data at their fingertips.

It’s the first generation that doesn’t need adults to get information. They feel empowered, which is good news and bad news. They want to change the world, but what they may not realize is that it’ll take longer than they think. Falling in love is awesome but marriage is more work than they may think.

When I teach older generations I use the SCENE acronym:

Speed: Our world is full of speed. If I grew up in a world of speed, I’d tend to think slow is bad.
Convenience: Everything is a quick click. But if I grew up in a world of convenience it’s easy to think hard is bad.
Entertainment: it’s in our hands! But if I grew up in a world with entertainment that accessible, I can assume that boring is bad.
Nurture: Have you notice how safety obsessed we are? In a world with unending nurture, risk can seem bad.
Entitlement: We can feel entitled to things just because we’re here. If I grew up in a world of entitlement it’s so easy to think labor is bad.

Are you saying these things are different for millennials?

I think all generations have been affected by these things. I would just say it’s slightly different when that’s all you’ve grown up with. My dad grew up in the great depression, where things were hard and slow and he always said to be grateful to have a job.

Those negative words—slow, hard, boring—are the things that helped me grow into a good adult. So we have to be more intentional to build some of these things into our kids.

What’s unique about millennial marriages? Are they divorcing quicker?

Breakups do seem to happen quicker, because hard is bad. They assume that it must not be right if it’s hard. But those of us who have been married a long time know that’s normal. Millennials have also seen a lot of divorces, so they’re waiting longer to get married. The waiting isn’t necessarily bad.

Here’s what’s interesting—marriages 100 years ago seemed to make it. Kids were doing age appropriate chores. I’m not saying we have to go back to that, but we do need to challenge each other. My wife and I have been married 37 years and we’ve had to reinvent our marriage a few times.

If you’re willing to reinvent a little bit and still be committed, I think it can work. I also think we get confused between ‘feeling’ and ‘experience’. I can have good feelings on a honeymoon, but experience happens week after week. I believe good marriages are a combination of events and experience. The wedding is an event; the marriage is a process. The birth of a baby is an event; the parenting is a process.

How have you noticed millennials are parenting in a unique way?

Oftentimes by the time millennials have kids, they’re deciding to be different than mom and dad. The first bit of data is showing that they’re not hovering over their kids. I often talk to parents and it seems like the ‘parenting report card’ changed with millennials.

I think that when millennials were being raised, parents risked too little, rescued too quickly, and raved too easily. All three of those are well intentioned, but I don’t think they were thinking long term. The further out I can see in the future, the better I do.

In the ‘90’s, Jack Welch introduced reverse mentoring at GE. When their new employees would start fresh out of college, he’d pair them up with an older worker and let the new employee teach the older about what they knew. It helped both generations have dignity by pouring into each other. What would marriages look like if we did this with couples at different ages than us?

Talk a little about how millennials function as adults.

I began to think about this when I started hearing university deans tell me that 26 is the new 18. But most millennials do want things like to get married, even if they’re pushing it back. The jump from backpack (school) to briefcase (career) is a big one. Some millennials are pushing back marriage as they figure out their career. And some are choosing career over kids.

What’s the danger in waiting until later to get married?

Social scientists say one danger is that we need babies to replace the existing generation. When you consider the economy, social security, etc. we need to replace the previous generation.

What would want every millennial to know?

I would say a handful of things:

Think long term. Whenever you make a decision, think about the ramifications.
Think big picture. What are the other angles of this?
Think high road. We’re always better people when we take the high road, not the low road.

Are there specific areas you notice millennials struggling to take the high road?

I don’t think millennials are any worse than any other generation. I think our culture today doesn’t teach those things.

Your one simple thing for this week.

Pick one of these things: ‘Think long term’, ‘think big picture’ or ‘think high road’ to focus on.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us. You can find more from Tim Elmore you can find him at his Growing Leaders website.

MP 045: How can my marriage recover from a miscarriage? (with Maina Mwaura) Aug 22, 2018

Maina Mwaura is an author, writer, speaker, and freelance journalist who interviews key leaders and speakers across the country. Maina is a graduate from Liberty University and he also has his Masters of Divinity from New Orleans Theological Seminary.

Maina also helps spearhead the North American Mission Board and International Mission Board initiatives to mobilize African American studies on missions.

Currently, Maina lives in Kennessaw, Ga., with his wife Tiffany and daughter Zion. In addition to all this, Maina and his wife Tiffany have walked through a miscarriage themselves and learned a lot along the way.

Interview with Maina

When I look at the people you’ve interviewed, I’m amazed. How in the world did you get to interview Jimmy Carter?

I would tell anyone out there who’s wondering how life can turn around that it can. Two years ago, I just fell into this. I was involved in the local church and all the sudden I got this call asking if I wanted to go write for Christianity Today.

I’d never done that before, but I have a great wife and she is the one who told me I could do it. I thought I’d do it for a certain period of time and then go back to staff at a local church. Now, two years and 160 interviews later, I’d say that if you’re going to make a career change make sure your spouse is on board.

Tell us about your family.

We have one daughter, Zion. She’s five, but going on 13. Tiffany and I have been married 13 years and it’s been fun. But there have also been difficult moments. She works in social work ministry and she loves it. But we complement each other and have wanted to make it fun.

What do you guys do to keep it fun?

This two-year period has been interesting because you go from knowing what your salary is going to be to the uncertainty of the freelance world. So I’m talking to the couples out there that think they can’t afford to have fun— you can.

We decided to just venture out and do free stuff. We also have fun by being honest with one another. We don’t look at honesty as fun, but when we are honest and open with one another it leads to freedom. And that leads to things being fun.

What are some free fun things people can do?

Look around you locally. Monday nights in Kennesaw there are food trucks and we try to find the least expensive one. Go online and look at what things are going on in your city. For example, the aquarium in Atlanta was offering a free day for your birthday.

We used bicycles and there are free parks of course. There’s nothing wrong with spending money on fun, but there are fun things you can do that are free.

When times are serious, how do you keep the fun going?

I go back to honesty. One of the things that we do is take out a sheet of paper and write down our concerns. We talk through the list and the things we could do to help offset where things are going to end financially. You can ask yourself: is there any pride at all in the situations?

How do you stay connected with your spouse during a tough season?

I know how difficult it can be to be in a tough season, because you have to be vulnerable and no one likes to be vulnerable.

Eight years ago, I was speaking at a camp and we were preparing for our first-born son. I was away for the week and got the phone call on a Tuesday afternoon. My wife said she was going to the doctor and they sent her to the hospital to get things checked.

An hour later, I got a phone call from a friend who was with my wife. She told me I needed to come home. I got to the hospital and the doctor told us that we weren’t going to get to have this child. With a stillbirth, you still go through a regular birth. But my wife was saying, “We’re going to get through this.” And that night we delivered a little boy that we weren’t going to take home with us.

It was heart wrenching. But if you can communicate the things that you may not think your spouse needs to hear, it will go a long way. We were leaving the hospital and I looked at Tiffany and said, “I’m angry.” If you can talk it out, it will really help with the problems in the long term. We went through the memorial service and thought, “we do not want to be here.”

In tough seasons, counseling needs to be part of the plan. We sat in front of a counselor for many weeks and asked the hard questions. I would say we learned three things.

Give your spouse the space to be honest.
Be real about the hurt.
Be open to the new opportunities when things don’t work out how you think they should.

We also did not close ourselves off to people, which is what we tend to want to do. Our small group leader told us they totally understood if we didn’t want to go, but we knew we needed to keep going. Community helped us get through it.

How specifically did community help you in that season?

I was on the side of, “can we not do this?” I just did not want to deal with lots of people. My wife was the one who said that we need to keep going back.

For somebody who may not have experienced this, but they have someone in their life who has— what are the dos and don’ts?

We used to say: don’t be like Job’s friends in the Bible. It’s okay to remain silent. It’s okay to say, “I don’t know what to say.” What tends to happen is the person opens up and says how they really feel. It’s okay to be silent and to grieve with them. It’s not okay to add words, like, “God took your child to be an angel in heaven.” That was not helpful.

We had people ask us if we thought we could’ve done something differently. I did have one friend who told me to let him know if he said something stupid because he was grieving with us and wanted to fix it. That was one of the best things ever. It’s also okay to see something and go ahead and do it instead of asking. People in grief don’t come up with ideas, but you can just fill the need you see.

How was the process different for you and your wife?

It became real for me once we did hold him after he was stillborn. But we had a great counselor who helped me put myself in Tiffany’s shoes. Oftentimes, we tend to neglect the husband side of it. Because men do hurt, too, in all this.

One of the biggest mistakes I think I made was going back to work five days later. I would tell anyone not to do that. It is okay to take time to grieve. There’s no way to work your way back to normal. There is a new normal now. Thankfully I had a great boss who told me that if coming back so soon didn’t work out, it’s okay to leave.

A counselor helped you process your grief. But what’s second best to a counselor?

If you’re in a situation where you can’t go to counseling—for healthcare or insurance or financial reasons—the next best thing is to find a couple that has gone through a similar situation. Or find a pastor who can walk you through it. Do not walk through it alone. Even with counseling, you can do all three. Don’t rush through; go at it with a slow pace.

What made you decide to have a memorial service for your son?

Even with miscarriage, it’s still that person’s child. It’s not just a medical issue that didn’t work out. It’s also a loss of what they thought was going to happen. It took us about a month to take down the nursery and I remember wondering what we were going to do with all the stuff. God will always lead us to someone who needs what we have.

During that process, another couple at our church was going to have a boy. We told them we weren’t going to use all the stuff soon but knew they could use it. God does use some of these things. If you can serve through the grieving period, you will find yourself being a lot more thankful and that brings peace.

Your one simple thing for this week

If you have just gone through this and your heart is broken: Don’t lose heart. Hold on to the promise God has given you and when you’re ready walk toward that promise.

If you have a friend who has gone through this: Just be there. Pray for them and don’t underestimate the little things like cards.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us. You can find more from Maina on his website.

MP 044: How do I prepare my marriage for a first baby? (Part 2) Aug 15, 2018

Today we’re continuing a conversation about preparing your marriage for a baby. If you missed part 1, go back and listen to that for more context. This week we’re continuing the clarifying questions that you and your spouse can ask as you get ready for first baby.

How can you show your spouse appreciation for what they’re doing as a new parent?

Often times, we revert to scorekeeping in hectic times—including when we have a new baby. Scorekeeping in marriage usually leads to unwanted and unneeded competition. Asking how you can show your spouse appreciation helps to level the playing field. Remember that you’re both on the same team.

How do you plan to handle intimacy once the baby arrives?

Once baby is here, exhaustion and stress can kill the intimacy. So you need to talk about what the season looks like.

Men, you will need to be more understanding in this area than ever before. Don’t be afraid to schedule sex for when you’re not so exhausted.

Who will be willing to help you if you ask?

Who are the people in your community? Let your parents or in-laws help as much as possible. Let friends bring you food or keep your kid while you go on dates.

Taking time to rest and restore makes you a better parent and spouse! It’s especially important to have people around who have kids and can be there to encourage you. You may also want to talk about the people you’ll need to have boundaries with as well.

How can you use a schedule to plan out your time?

Plan out what your days will look like, what the week will look like. Schedule time for your marriage. It will look way different, but how can you continue to pour into your marriage during this time?

There are three questions that can help with this:

What’s the time for you?
What’s the time for me?
What’s the time for our US?

These times can be short. Maybe mom just wants a few minutes for a bath. Or dad needs 30 minutes to watch ESPN. But these things make a big impact. And it’s so important to find time the two of you can be an US again. People can get so disconnected and it all becomes about the baby.

Having a baby is so full of challenges, but don’t miss time with the baby and each other. Take the time to stare at baby and laugh at the faces and stinky diapers. Be extra present when the baby is content and just be a family. You will sleep again, promise.

Your one simple thing for this week

Sit down with your spouse and ask each other these questions. Or share them with another couple you know who is expecting a child.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the MarriedPeople Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 043: How do I prepare my marriage for a first baby? (Part 1) Aug 08, 2018

MP 042: How does social media and technology impact my marriage? (with Dave Adamson) Aug 01, 2018

Links

Today, we’re joined by our friend Dave Adamson, who is a former TV sports reported from Australia. Dave serves as the social media pastor for North Point Community Church in Atlanta and is a social media expert. Dave and his wife Meg have three daughters.

Conversation with Dave

What does a social media pastor look like week to week?

It’s beyond social media. I deal with a lot of people who connect with our church digitally. People connect with your church before they connect in your church, and most of the time they do that through social media.

We want to make sure we have a great presence there, that we’re involved in the community and that we’re connecting people from social media to our other areas and hopefully eventually to our church.

That doesn’t sound like a real job, Dave.

It’s funny, since I took this job we’ve heard from other churches who have hired social media directors. It’s become a bit of a thing. Social media is everywhere; we’re all on it and connect with people that way.

In the U.S., church attendance is declining. But I don’t say it’s declining; I say it’s decentralizing. People don’t need to come to church anymore to get the content.

How does technology and social media impact our marriages?

Social media does impact, but it has the ability to be a wedge or to bring us together. I could use technology to contact my wife in a way I couldn’t when we were first married 20 years ago. But at the same time, when I come to bed at night and Meg’s been to bed for an hour and I see the glow from her side of the bed it doesn’t seem like a good thing.

Why isn’t it a good thing?

It can create a separation—instead of spending the end of the day talking we’re on social media and turn it off to go to sleep.

Do you feel that tension in your relationship with your spouse, especially toward the end of the day? Or is that just part of your natural rhythm?

Afton: We actually started charging our phones in a different room when we go to bed. We actually started it to help us sleep better, but it does help relationally because you talk when you go to bed.

Ted: We have three teenagers, and we can’t be on ours all the time if we’re telling them not to be. So there’s the accountability there. We’re pretty conscious about it.

Dave: We have a rule in our house that all phones get turned off at 8pm and all phones get charged in our room. We used to charge them in the kitchen but we found one of our daughters would get up and go find it at night. This also means that we, the parents, have access to your phones.

The second rule is that every device in our house is on the same password, so I can open up their phones and scroll through it. But they can also do it to us. We also have a rule that Friday night till Saturday night is a device free zone in our house.

What would you say to the couple that doesn’t think they have an issue? How might social media be impacting them without them realizing it?

There are positives and negatives to it. The device/social media itself isn’t the enemy. There’s a stat that says the average American touches their phone 300 times a day. I always think to myself – how would my relationship with my wife be different if I held her hand or stroked her hair 300 times a day? It can be a negative thing but we can make it positive too. I even find with my daughters. I follow their Instagram accounts and it keeps me connected with what’s going on.

How does awareness help us control the impact technology has on our marriage?

Once you make that switch and start to use technology for good, it actually means more.

There’s a book by Reggie Campbell called What Radical Husbands Do and he says that for the first five minutes when you get home, stay five feet from your wife. I’m usually walking in ending a phone call or reading/posting something. Now, I will park around the corner, finish my phone call and then put my phone in my bag and drive in. I try to spend that first five minutes with her and then with my girls.

How have you used technology to make your relationship better?

Afton: We have one Spotify account, so when Hudson is listening to it I like to get on my phone and steal it so he can’t listen anymore.

Dave: That’s a good point, because we have one Audible account and we often read the same books now.

CJ: We like to try to go an entire day only texting each other GIFs to talk about our day. It’s entertaining.

Ted: Texting is a great thing for us during the day. I love the fact that we can connect that way

Dave: My wife travels with a missionary, and we use FaceTime to stay in touch. Another great way we use technology is we watch Netflix together and have regular family movie nights on Friday. Technology has done a lot to bring our family together.

What do you say to someone whose spouse is always glued to their phones and they’re having a hard time connecting with them?

I think it’s making people aware of certain statistics. That idea that we’re touching our phones 300 times a day or spending 2-2.5hrs/day on our phone. It’s the realizing of the time we’re wasting. Have some statistics so you’re ready to give them information that helps them make the decision.

What’s the payoff for people being on their phones all the time?

That’s a huge cultural and societal question more than anything else – we do it because everyone is, but it’s also how we stay in touch. As to the why, I think it’s partly the dopamine hit, part is marketing. We’re told we’re missing out if we don’t have this in our life.

I think it’s also because it’s a way to enhance relationships. I always look at it from the point of view of how many people I’m still in contact with from Australia because of technology. I’m also leveraging my social media as a tool to pass my faith on to my kids. I started writing out all my thoughts on Instagram in the form of devotionals. My daughters read them and they may or may not have heard it otherwise.

Do you have any closing thoughts for us, Dave?

It’s all about awareness—how often you are on the phone and not on the phone. How often you’re leveraging technology for good and how often it’s driving a wedge between you. I’ve found birthday and anniversary gifts for my wife from her Pinterest. It’s all about being aware and using it for a positive outcome and not letting it drive a wedge.

Your one simple thing for this week:

Go 24 hours without any phone – your whole family. Put them in a basket and put them away for the whole day.

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review. They help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you! Two things: first, let us know what you do on social media or technology to connect with your spouse and second, let us know how your 24-no-technology day goes. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site.

You can find more from Dave on his Instagram, website or his book – Chasing the Light. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 041: Why is dating important in my marriage? Jul 25, 2018

Today, we’re talking about dating your spouse. Date night can sometimes feel formal or forced. Sometimes it’s tough to just make the time. Most of us know that dating is a good thing, but it’s difficult to make it happen.

What are some of the barriers to going on dates?

Afton: Babysitting. Not that an 8th grader needs to be babysat but he does need someone.

CJ: It takes energy to want to get re-dressed after work and go out somewhere. It’s easier to just veg on the couch for a few hours.

What defines a date? Is watching TV at home considered a date?

CJ: A date is when our attention is more on each other than on something else.

Ted: What works for the two of you? There are some common things like limited disruptions, but a date is what connects you and what you enjoy doing together. We like to run together, or going to the movies.

The Two Tanks

When it comes to marriage, there are two tanks—the ‘love tank’ and the ‘like tank’. The love tank is when we go to work to provide for our family or forgive an offense.

The like tank is different, but just as important—when we cook our spouse a meal, we listen to them, when we laugh together. We can’t forget to do the things that make our spouse like us.

Afton: Sometimes I think we know each other too well. Like when we ask each other about those gross personal things, like an ankle rash. It can be nice to go out and just pretend we’re back at only knowing each other for three months.

Why dates are important.

Taking time for date night gives you experiences together that you can look back on more fondly. It’s good to have those times in the bank.
It can also be a good time for a check in on how you two are doing.
Connection leads to words. Sometimes it’s going out and doing something together.

Is there something deeper than just a reconnect with your spouse?

Ted: The thing I love about dating actually comes from Proverbs 5:18-19. The best way to protect your marriage is to enjoy your marriage. We don’t hear that enough.

How do you get the ball rolling if you haven’t been doing a date night?

Have a daily dialogue to catch up with your spouse—even 10 or 15 minutes. That way, you check in with your spouse daily and then you don’t have to spend your date on those things.
Have a plan, but a flexible plan. Plan out the who, the what, the where, the when and the how. It takes a little bit of planning.

Your one simple thing for this week:

We’ve created a date that you just have to download. It’s a lot of fun and really easy. Download the date night and plan it with your spouse!

Show Closing

Thanks for joining us for the MarriedPeople Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you! Let’s hear about your best date night. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 040: How does adoption or foster care impact my marriage? (with Katie Edwards) Jul 18, 2018

Links

Show Notes

Katie Edwards has been working with junior high students for over 21 years at one of the largest churches in the country—Saddleback Church. Katie and her husband Ron have been foster parents and have three children, two of which they adopted.

We’re excited for you to hear from Katie because she and her husband have made their marriage a priority in the midst of the processes of fostering and adoption. They believe that prioritizing their marriage is the best thing they can do for their kids.

Interview with Katie Tell us about your role at Saddleback Church.

I’m the middle school pastor and I oversee junior high, high school and college now. I oversee all student ministries, but lead from the junior high chair because I love it. I just celebrated my 22nd anniversary at the church.

Tell us a little about your husband, Ron.

He’s an introvert and I’m an extrovert. The church is near the high school where he teaches and he views his classroom as his ministry. We’ve been married almost 20 years.

How did you get started being a foster parent?

We have one biological daughter; she’s a senior in high school. We were really content with having one kid. But when was five or six, Abby came to us said she was lonely. So we started thinking about adoption.

Ron was resistant at first because it seemed messy to him and like it came with a lot of pain and emotion. We started down the international process and that ended, so we were a little lost. A friend suggested looking at fostering to adopt, and Ron said no

I suggested that we should just go to a class and he agreed to go despite his hesitancy. That class changed our life. We heard about all the needs in our county. It was really eye opening and God started to do something in us. When we left, Ron said that he didn’t know if we could walk away and not do anything.

What would you say to people who don’t see the need for being a foster parent?

A lot of Orange County, where we live, is a mirage. There are a lot of beautiful parts, but there’s also plenty of poverty, divorce, and people losing their kids. California just looks sunnier, but there were so many kids in our backyard that needed a home.

At that point, it became an obedience thing. Because there are a lot of horror stories, stigma, and some harsh realities. I don’t know that we would have said yes to it on our own without God.

What are some of those fears and hesitancies?

We just felt unequipped. How do we handle a baby who is detoxing off meth? Or how do you talk to a birth parent who has potentially lost their kids? Are birth parents going to come to our house and cause problems? It felt messy and hard, and I told Ron that I thought we just needed to take some steps forward with open hands and trust that God would close doors if He wanted.

How did you make this decision together?

We were each just taking steps, and trusting that the other person was hearing from God as well. I think I just got there a little faster. As a youth pastor, I was used to loving a kid for a season and then passing them along. It just gave me a different vision.

How did becoming foster parents impact your marriage?

One of the things for Ron and I is that we work really hard to understand each other’s language. What I need is different than what he does. He only needs me to take care of dinner, a date night weekly and something to look forward to. I work hard to do those things for Ron and he’s happy.

During those times we would talk about what we’re scared about and about the positives. We were processing together. There was some give and take there. Ron is OK in the give and take, as long as there are both. That helped us talk and process until we could both say Yes.

What would you say you needed from Ron during that time?

For me, I need him to ask how my day was, I need a date night and I need quality family time so that all our family time isn’t hustle and bustle. He needed to talk about his fears and I needed him to trust me. God brought our paths together and that was a really sweet thing for us—saying Yes to God.

Tell us about when you met Ella.

We’ve had five foster kids and we’ve adopted two of them. Ella was seven years old when she came to us. She was the oldest child we fostered. Before her, we had babies. People don’t realize that there’s a lot of need to foster babies, because people don’t want to take them. Because they fall in love and then have to give them back.

Our hearts grew for birth parents and their journey. God gave us so much goodness with that first foster kid. We had her for 18 months and worked with her birth parents until she went back to them. God’s design is for kids to be with their birth parents and we should be advocates for that. But, if there are kids who don’t have parents, we would love to be considered to be parents.

Ella was our third foster kid and had been in seven homes before we met her. Her mom abandoned her when she was three and she never met her dad. She was found in a camper in the backyard by a friend and bounced around the foster system. She had a lot of unfortunate circumstances, the family before us promised they’d adopt her and then changed their mind.

That’s a lot of what you see—the kids aren’t doing anything wrong but adults all around them are making bad decisions. She was only supposed to be with us for a summer, but we petitioned early on for her to be with us.

How did that circumstance impact Ella?

Ella’s social worker told us that we’d love her because she still had her hope. Around age eight or nine, most foster kids start to lose hope that anyone wants them, but Ella wanted a mom and dad so badly. She was in good spirits but she so desperately wanted to please us.

For example, our family likes frozen yogurt and we eat a lot during the summer. Ella would always order one but only eat the sprinkles. When I asked why, she finally admitted she didn’t like yogurt. She just so badly wanted to part of a family. Her heart was hopeful.

There are so many layers to Ella. There are layers you can’t see that they can’t express. She was so afraid until her court date. Fear and trust were the main things we battled with her. She’s 15 now and we say that we think she almost trusts us. Adolescence really impacted her.

We did therapy with her and at first things were very black and white. When she hit middle school, she started asking why. Why did her mom abandon her? Those things kicked up a notch. We’re walking through them now. But she is awesome and fun and witty and hilarious!

Can you tell us about the other child you adopted?

The first baby we fostered changed Ron. He was no longer allowed to answer the calls, because he would say Yes without talking to me. He wanted to take in all the kids! We had only fostered girls up to this point. Ron asked if we could request a boy.

After that request, they called us within 12 hours with Cooper. He was a newborn. When I picked him up, I just kind of knew he was going to be ours. His birth parents were in really tough situations—drugs and prostitution. They really loved him but they didn’t want to do any of the steps to change their lifestyle. The process took three years to be finalized.

We tried to keep an open relationship with Cooper’s birth parents, because we have seen the effects of Ella having no contact with her parents. That was really hard for her. But his parents wouldn’t show up or sign any paperwork. So two and half years after we got Cooper, we had the final visit with his parents. It was probably one of our hardest moments watching another mother say ‘goodbye’ to her child. We feel honored that God has chosen us to be his parents but we also felt the pain of that situation.

How does adoption give you a sense of priorities in your marriage?

Parenting Cooper and Ella has always had an added layer, but there’s also total normalcy. Fostering and adopting only brought us together and strengthened us. It’s helped us be a little more relaxed about the little things. We’re so thankful for all God has done for us and our kids. But it did bring a relaxed vibe into our marriage. It elevated different pieces of our marriage—the intensity of what we were experiencing drove us closer together.

How did you keep a focus on dating one another despite fostering kids?

We fostered for six years and have taken a break and haven’t done it for three years. But that time really fueled us really just wanting to be together and it has lasted. I feel like that same desperateness for each other has lasted. Sometimes we’ve found ways to get more creative with date nights—we’ll have someone pick up the kids so we can have dinner at home.

What is one simple thing for couples who are considering fostering or adoption?

Our marriage was such a centric part to all this. If we hadn’t been working on that, we wouldn’t have been able to pour out to our kids. My encouragement would be to spend time together and be thoughtful about questions you need answers to. We sometimes have expectations or un-communicated thoughts or feelings. Ask yourself: what does it look like to put that on the table? Give each other permission to be transparent. If we don’t spend time together for our kids, our kids lose.

Closing

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review—they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you! Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 039: How can my church help marriages? Jul 11, 2018

Typically, this podcast is about helping you make your marriage as good as it could be. But no marriage thrives in isolation and the local church is the perfect way to surround marriages with other people. When we do that, it’s really powerful.

A lot of churches do a good job prioritizing what happens in the main service or children’s ministry—but marriage ministry can be put on the back burner. Those things tend to be important and urgent, but marriage ministry tends to not seem as urgent. But when you look at what marriages do to a child’s faith, it’s vital.

The Tension: Marriage ministry is seen as boring, preachy, outdated and feminine.

What does it look like to help my church help marriages?

Marriage ministry is where youth ministry was in the 70’s and 80’s. Back then, the future of the church was graduating high school and leaving their faith. Organizations like Young Life and Youth For Christ noticed this and started being more relevant. The church started doing that too, and now it’s a normal part of churches.

Now, the future of the church is walking out in the form of families breaking up. There’s a scary stat that 60% of kids that come from divorce will walk away from their faith. Research shows that the church is the best place to help marriages.

The failed marriage ministry options.

The Hands-Off Approach: When a church says that they’re so busy they don’t want to do more than have couples come serve and get involved.
The Topical Approach: Treating marriage like a topic to be covered in the sermon series. But marriage is not a topic—it’s a process, a relationship that needs to be cared for.
The Reactionary Approach: The church reaches out to couples when the couples reach out to them.

What does a good marriage ministry look like?

Move from intervention to intervention AND prevention. What are the proactive things your church is doing to help marriage? And prevention doesn’t have to be heavy – it can be easy, practical things to work on your relationship.
Move from just having ‘Children’s Ministry’ to having ‘Family Ministry’. Because helping marriages helps the kids!
Move from isolation to relationship. How can the church pull couples into community that is for them?
Move from information to experience. There’s tons of great content about marriage, but how do we help people experience a good marriage?
Move from feminine to feminine and masculine. Create an environment that is appealing to both men and women.
Move from general to focus. There’s so much content out there, but how do we pull it down into just 4 things? It’s about giving them less content, more often.
Move from programs to a process. This isn’t about adding a new, complicated program. It’s creating a process that churches can point couples to.

So what can you do to bring this to your church?

You can always ask great questions of your church leaders. Don’t bring your church a problem, but bring them a passion. You could bring them this podcast and share it with leadership. And if you’re passionate about marriages, you can jump in to help!

Your one simple thing for this week.

If you’re not in church, go to marriedpeople.org and there are resources for you there. If you’re interested in helping your church help marriages, check out marriedpeoplechurches.org and send your church there!

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review. They help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you! What is something that you would find appealing about marriage ministry? What would make you want to show up? Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us or How Your Church Can Build Marriages that Last.

MP 038: How can I empower my spouse? (with Mike Owens) Jul 04, 2018

MP 037: How can I have a good relationship with my in-laws? Jun 27, 2018

What often gets portrayed is that in-laws are always toxic. You look at how they’re portrayed on T.V. and it’s usually negative. We’re going to talk about this today—why is our relationship with our in-laws tricky?

In-laws, no matter how crazy they may be, are part of our tribe and we need to allow them to part of it. The trick is how we do that. We tend to have a ‘western’ perspective of wanting to be so independent that we put a wall up toward our in-laws. But are we also called to invite them in?

What's your relationship like with your in-laws?

Afton: I tend to look for the topics that are going to be safe and stick to those. We’re not going to get into anything all that deep because it leads to a bad situation.

CJ: My relationship with my in-laws is great, they’re wonderful people. My personality always struggles to get involved with new people. One thing that has helped me is Teri sharing more and more about her family and how she grew up.

So what do we do with all these different situations? Is there an overarching truth we can all apply?

Speak the truth in love.

Ted: When I think about my interactions with my in-laws in the beginning, I acted somewhat like a child. We kept them at arm’s length with our boundaries. So for us it’s trying to balance truth and love. Are we treating our in-laws with radical love?

What does this look like on a practical level?

We don’t need to blame our spouse for their parents’ behavior.
Give your spouses’ family grace. For most of us (outside extreme situations) they’re not optional in our lives.
As much as possible, form your own relationship with your in-laws.
Allow them, in healthy ways, to be part of your life.
Lean in to their wisdom.
Keep our expectations of our in-laws reasonable. For some people, that means keeping low expectations of them!
As much as possible, take the high ground with them and be full of grace.
Give the most generous explanation for their behavior.
Is there something you can do to bring out the best of them – ask them to participate in something, ask for wisdom. Keep fishing in that pond and see what brings out the best.
How do you make a memory today? Look for ways to make good family memories together that everyone can be part of.

One Simple Thing

Do one loving thing for your in-law(s). Plan a meal, ask them to help you with a project, ask their opinion on something or send them a note.

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you! We’d love to hear your number one tip or advice when dealing with in-laws that makes it a little easier. Share with us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 036: How do I find breathing room in my marriage? (with Sandra Stanley) Jun 20, 2018

About Our Guest

Sandra Stanley is a Georgia native and has lived in the Atlanta area since graduating from Georgia Tech in 1988. She married Andy that same year and they founded North Point Ministries in 1995.

Sandra’s ministry passion is promoting foster care in the local church. Much of her time these days is spent in seminary classes through Dallas Theological Seminary, working on various writing projects, and continuing her involvement with Fostering Together—the foster care initiative at North Point Ministries.

Links

Interview Tell people a little about your story.

I’m a native Georgian. I met Andy my junior year of college, and this summer we’ll have been married 30 years. We have three kids, and our middle son is married, so we also have a daughter-in-law.

We have foster kids in and out of our house, and just got our 18 year old transitioned to an independent living program. So we are empty nesters!

What is it like being an empty nester?

Being an empty nester is great. I think it hangs its hat on how well you do marriage leading up to those years. But Andy and I still really like each other.

You shifted your focus and started writing books. What led to that shift?

When our oldest child was in ninth grade, I realized that empty nester-hood was a reality. Sometimes it can feel like a myth, but I realized that there was going to be a next season.

I started asking God to give me some direction and wisdom about what was next. God was faithful with baby steps for me having a heart for children who came from hard places. I’m also in seminary now—about halfway through my masters.

How do you create breathing room in your marriage?

There are so many different seasons—married without kids, married with babies, etc. It looked different for us in each season. When we started North Point Community Church, we had two toddlers and another on the way.

During those years, we recognized that it was a tricky, time-consuming season. That’s when Andy started going before the Lord and saying he had 45 hours a week to give. He started going to work at 6:30-7 am so he could be home by 4-5 pm.

Talk a little about what breathing room actually is.

Breathing room is another way to say margin. We define it as the space between our current pace and our limit.

In the study, we talk about developing and maintaining breathing room with our time, finances, and relationships. It started as a sermon series Andy did that really impacted me. I thought it’d be fun to take it and craft it into a series for women.

Do you think there's a tension people feel to not disappoint others?

We talk about that in the study. Our tendency to not create breathing room boils down to a set of fears—the fear of missing out, the fear of falling behind, the fear of not mattering, and the fear of disappointing people.

How did you start saying 'No' to things when you wanted to say 'Yes'?

For Andy and I, it was a constant conversation of who or what, in this season, is most important. And once you have those priorities, are those things on the calendar?

What impact does a lack of breathing room have on your marriage?

A big impact. When we’re too busy, we just lose the connection. I think that’s the case in any relationship.

As it relates to marriage in particular, when the calendar fills up the opportunities for intimacy and connect start to go. The urgent can trump the important. It comes back to the constant conversation about how we’re doing.

If you see your spouse running out of breathing room, how do you approach that conversation with them?

Approach is everything. For different personalities, there are different approaches that are effective.

Part of having a great marriage is being a student of your spouse and understanding the best approach/environment to have this conversation. Rather than launching into the question, it’s taking a pause and asking yourself the best approach for the conversation.

How does having breathing room set you up for success?

That goes back to your own personality and what rejuvenates you. For me, I just need some quiet time. Andy and I are both introverts and we both recharge in the quiet.

One of the things that is so important is time alone with the Lord to be part of our regular rhythm. In those moments, God presses the reset button for us.

How do we deal with the guilt of saying 'No,' or not doing what all the other parents are doing for their kids?

Let me start with an illustration. When our boys were playing baseball, they were on the same team every other season. Andy was coaching one season and in a parent meeting, he let them know that we were going to be on a trip the next weekend. He wanted to know if someone could cover for him. The parents were all shocked to find out that just he and I were going on a trip together.

A lot of times, when we take these steps and have breathing room, it gives other people permission to do the same thing. You take that the Lord on your knees and you say 'No' to what you need to say 'No' to.

What are some practical ways we can find space for the things we have to do, and still have margin?

It goes back to a set of questions you’re asking each other, looking at the calendar, and planning ahead. It may be as simple as looking ahead and saying that in a few weeks you’re getting away together. It may be crazy until then, but you have that set on the calendar.

Different seasons are different. There are sometimes problems to solve and other times tensions to manage. In certain seasons, it is what it is and you have to move to the conversation of how to manage the tension.

What happens once we finally create the breathing room?

There’s peace, which is huge. The Holy Spirit has more ground to manifest the fruits of the spirit for me personally.

One of the things that I have seen is the benefit of having breathing room is you can look back at a certain season and not have regrets.

Some people have jobs that don't allow them to cut down on their hours. What would you say to them?

That really is tough. For someone who is in a place where they can’t establish breathing room, one of the things for them to know is that there really are going to be those seasons. And many times God meets us there.

Once you establish that there isn’t a change to be made, then you trust Him to fill in the gaps where you’re lacking. Sometimes it may mean some hard changes—having a conversation with a boss, etc.

One Simple Thing

Recognize and renew your mind to the fact that a ‘no for now’ is not necessarily a ‘no’ for always. And if you’re so bold, ask your spouse—if you could adjust my schedule any way you wanted, what would that look like?

Closing Notes

Thanks for joining us for the MarriedPeople Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review —they help us make the podcast better.

You can find Sandra Stanley on her site, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. And you can check out more about Breathing Room.

We want to hear from you! Visit us on Facebook, Instagram or our site and tell us about some things you fill in your breathing room time with! If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us. Finally, we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 035: How do we have a good vacation together? Jun 13, 2018

We’re back together after a little break and ready to get back to more MarriedPeople episodes!

It is a challenge to get away just the two of you, but it’s important. Couples often walk into vacations fighting and bickering. So what’s going on there?

For some couples, it’s a litmus test of where they are and how they communicate.

One vacation rule that we love is to not talk about your issues. Take a vacation from talking about the things that you’re fighting about. Something happens when you have space to breath and you’re not just running around like roommates.

Connection leads to words, words don’t necessarily lead to connection. Typically, men tend to connect better when they don’t have to look you in the eye—when they’re driving down the road, riding a bike.

A few tensions:

For couples with kids (or dogs), they feel like they can’t go on vacation without the kids – they feel selfish or that the kids will feel left out.

Afton: For us, it’s a balance. We try to do a family trip and a couple’s trip so he will see that getting away with your spouse is important.
Ted: I think it’s good for the kids, but also we would come back as better parents just from getting out of the storm for a bit.
CJ: We’re trying to get pregnant and we haven’t been on a vacation since we started trying. We always have a hard time booking in advance because what if she’s pregnant then or we need to go in for a treatment? It’s easy to always have an excuse!

We can’t afford a vacation.

This is one of those things where couples have to get creative and vacation differently. It’s Afton getting away to her parents’ house for free for some time off. Or a nearby Airbnb to get out of town.

Ted also loves staycations in our house. We talk a lot about being our best “US”, and every couple is really different. At the end of the day you have to get together and find what recharges you!

We feel like we can’t take time off work

51% of U.S. employees have paid vacation they don’t take. Many of them feel like they can’t afford to take the time away from work. There’s guilt in our country about always being connected.

Afton: For me, it has to do with ego. It’s thinking that if I leave, it will fall apart. That’s not true!
CJ: It’s a little bit of that, but it’s not wanting to let people down, and also not wanting more work when I get back.
Ted: Once we’ve drawn the line in the sand that we’re on vacation, we’ve gotten good at it.

We’re just too busy right now

One of the things that we have found is that if you put a reward at the end of a busy season it can help you be more productive.

Time away isn’t ‘extra’, it’s essential.

Your one simple thing for this week: I’m going to break our rules on this just a little. I would encourage people to think through their vacation before (how do we make it great?), during the vacation and then after.

As much as possible, don’t work on vacation. Plan ahead, put up your out of office and unplug
Don’t talk about your issues on vacation
Be present and be positive
Stay off social media as much as possible
Plan your next vacation

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you! What’s your number one tip for vacationing with your spouse? Visit us on Facebook, Instagram or our site. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us.

MP 034: What do I do if I'm married to a dreamer? (with Jon Acuff) Apr 25, 2018

Links

Jon Acuff's website
Follow Jon Acuff on Twitter
Buy a copy of Jon's latest book, Finish

Show Notes

Jon Acuff is a self-described dreamer and New York Times Bestselling author of 6 books. For over 20 years, Jon has helped some of the biggest brands in the world tell their story—including the Home Depot, Bose, Staples and the Dave Ramsey team. He is featured regularly on national media like CNN and Fox News. Jon is very busy and has huge aspirations, but what does that mean for his marriage?

Interview One of the things I remember getting excited about was Jenny Acuff writing a book called "Being Married to a Dreamer."

We get the question all the time – occasionally Jenny will do Q&A with me and people will ask about how I get my wife to support my dream. One time Jenny just said, “Money is nice”. I thought the book would be a great idea and I announced it, but she didn’t want to write a book.

People write in all the time to encourage her to finish the book, and it’s still an idea that I think would be great but Jenny doesn’t want to write the book because she doesn’t want to speak on it.

Talk a little about the tension—a lot of time dreamers are married to people who are more grounded.

That’s definitely the case for Jenny and I – living with a dreamer is like a fire hose of ideas. The other person can often be the ‘how’ person and the dreamer can feel attacked. When Jenny was saying, “money is nice”, she wasn’t saying, “prove it!” She was saying that results make it easier to support it—when I’m getting up at 5 am and watching less TV. She knew that I was really getting excited about it.

The dreamer’s responsibility is to say when they just want to talk and brainstorm. Also, it’s not your wife’s job to carry all that. You’ve turned your wife into you warden, but we were created for community.

How does this connect with the idea of being a dreamer?

I think part of it is having shared dreams, but it’s also not forcing your dreams on someone else. Your spouse shouldn’t 100% understand your dream because it’s your dream, not his.

Talk about the beginning and when you were figuring all this out, then how it’s evolved over time.

Part of it is allowing your spouse to give honest feedback. There are a lot of marriages where, in your family of origin, the husband was the hero and the wife was the cheerleader. There are a lot of marriages where the wife doesn’t have the freedom to speak about things that should change.

A lot of my job is to shorten the distance between when Jenny tells me something that’s true and when I believe it. It’s having a space where your spouse can be angry, excited, critical—they don’t have to just act a certain way.

What closed the gap for you on how long it took for you to hear what Jenny had to say?

It was other guys who had the kind of marriages I want. Most of the things I’ve learned, it hasn’t been like one day I woke up and was doing life differently. I heard a counselor once say that every man wants to know he’s enough and every woman wants to know she’s not too much.

Give an example of when you and Jenny hit a space where she wanted you to throw the breaks and it was helpful.

When I first started working for myself, she would tell me that it seemed like I was trying to make everyone else my boss. She would tell me that I get to make the decisions but out of fear I was trying to get everyone else to be the boss. She was essentially saying to own my decisions and take responsibility for what I choose.

Another time she quit working for me—when you go on your own, you don’t have a community and your spouse becomes your community. I was running everything by her and she basically quit. My book Do Over she read like 8 times, but Finish she saw when it was done. Some couples work well together as an entrepreneurial couple, but they’re the unicorns.

Talk a little to the people who are married to a dreamer. What can they do to support dreams but still be honest?

I think it’s to take a pause – most situations will dissipate on their own. If your spouse has a crazy idea, just wait a week and they’ll be on to the next thing. Then be honest about what you need – tell them you’re nervous about them doing this thing again.

Also, establish some ground rules. One of our rules is that I can register a URL on GoDaddy but if I haven’t touched it for a year I can’t renew it. Figuring out the simple ground rules is part of what you can do.

How do you support her dreams?

Part of it is that I don’t try to make them mine. I create space for her to do the things she wants to do. She went to Germany, Switzerland and Singapore last year with a girlfriend and I try to be really flexible that way. I can’t travel for my job and then expect her to always be home.

Also not letting my stuff dominate the situation—she didn’t need to read Do Over that many times. Finish didn’t dominate our lives – it was my job, we launched it and it was great.

How do you guys handle it with you traveling so much?

We’re deliberate about it – Jenny told me one time, after saying goodbye to my kids, that I was giving them all my shame and guilt about leaving. The weepy goodbye thing ruins the kid’s week. That was a huge change for me. I also tie it together when we’re at Disney on a Tuesday—reminding them that we can do that cause I was in Oklahoma the week before.

Also, when you’re on the road be on the road and when you’re home be home. I try to take them with me—I’m doing a cruise this summer with Sandi Patty and I’ll take them with me. They come when it makes sense.

Talk a little about home. You have an office at home, how do you do that?

I try to be deliberate about keeping things in my office—not the living room, the kitchen. I’m usually done by 4pm when I’m at home. I’m still trying to figure it out though, every 6 months it radically changes.

I’ve heard you say one time that your kids are your kids, they’re not your content. I’m sure that applies to Jenny too, talk a little about that

The older they get, the more invested they are in not being embarrassed on the Internet. They now are looking at more and suggesting stuff for me. I don’t reference my daughters’ Instagram name, a 14 year old doesn’t need to be inundated with followers. I don’t want my kids to be in ads, they’re not a prop.

Your one simple thing for this week:

Fight in the morning. You don’t have to have it out at 2am, find the right time to have the conversation. I think it’s the most misinterpreted verse from the Bible – thinking you have to finish every discussion before bed.

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

You can find Jon Acuff on his site, Facebook and Twitter. And check out his latest book Finish. We want to hear from you! Visit us on Facebook, Instagram or our site.

MP 033: How can my marriage influence the next generation? (with Virginia Ward) Apr 18, 2018

Our marriages are impacting the next generation, whether we like it or not! That’s why we’re excited to be talking to Virginia Ward.

Virginia is the Director of Leadership of the Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary in Boston. She also leads their Mentored Ministry Initiatives and is a pastor at Abundant Life Church in Cambridge, MA where her husband is the lead pastor. Virginia and her husband have a lot of influence on the next generation, so who better to talk to?

Interview

Give us a little about your background and ministry – introduce yourself!

I am the oldest twin daughter and one of four. I’m a native Bostonian, I’ve been married for 34 years and we have two grown sons. My heart is really urban youth leaders, but helping people lead themselves first and then helping them lead and grow their leadership capacity.

I’ve heard you say you work a lot with two different demographics. Tell us about that.

I work a lot with parents in an urban environment—and by that I mean people who live in cities of all financial backgrounds. I also work with families in ethnic communities where English may not be their first language and they’re working their way up from the blue-collar realm.

Talk about your heart for the city. What makes that different than maybe the suburbs?

I grew up in the Boston area and then we moved to suburb south of Boston. But when we got married I wanted to go back to the city—it’s a faster pace, it’s constantly moving. Boston is run by knowledge—it’s ironic that we have a lot of academia but so many people who are not educated.

When we started our church my husband and I didn’t have our undergrad degrees but we went back to school and go them. We’ve seen people in our congregation go do the same as we’ve modeled it.

When you talk about going into ‘the city’, what does that look like for you?

We live in the city, we ministry in the city, I work in the city. For us, it’s being connected to knowing who our mayor is, who our city council is. I serve as a mentor in the city of Cambridge for a girls program for 8th grade girls as they transition into high school. I want 8th grade girls to see that you can be a pastor, to help debunk some of the myths of being in ministry.

This is a marriage podcast but I’m going to take a little side note as a dad of a 12-year-old daughter. What would you say to her if she were to think guys can do more than her?

I would say to her to keep her eyes open and store everything. Try things, pick up things and ‘store it in your bag’. Try a sports team, play an instrument, try new things. Keep track of what you like and what you don’t like. That begins to inform her of who she is becoming.

Let’s talk a little about working in the city with so many types of families. How does marriage impact kids?

We have a spectrum of marriages in our church. We have young marrieds and people who got married a little older. My husband and I married at 22, so we grew together.

I’m seeing a shift lately where marriage is about my happiness and if they can’t help you and satisfy you, then why are you there? But I tell couples to take the divorce card off the table, and if you can get them to take that off the table they tend to be more willing to put selfish things aside and really work toward the ‘we’.

Why do you think there are so many people who have the divorce card on the table?

It’s an easy way out where you don’t have to change. Marriage makes you look at yourself and the truths about yourself you may not have wanted to address.

People are more educated than ever, but it feels like relationally people are less intelligent. Do you see that in people?

Yes, definitely. We can rationalize everything, but in relationships there isn’t the rationale. It forces us to have to be in that place of love—love God, love your neighbor as yourself and love each other like I have loved you. To bring that into a marriage, that is unconditional.

God’s way of marriage is radical, some would even say ‘old school’. How do we talk to people about how it works?

We have to go back to square one, Adam and Eve. He made man and woman so man wouldn’t be alone, but also so they could be fruitful and multiply. This isn’t just about children – there’s something we can do together as a married couple that we can’t do alone.

When a woman sees a man, she sees his purpose and potential. If she can see alignment with that, she grows together with him. But she also recognizes her purpose in helping the greater purpose be accomplished. I encourage couples to figure out—who is she, who is he and then who are we together.

You’re so active and do so many things. How has your husband made you even better and how have you made him better?

I would not be the woman I am today without him. When I met him, I was a mouthy, insecure female. I came from a divorce and was a rebellious kid. I knew it all and was going to do it my way. When I met him, he would ask me questions that made me think. He makes me think and process and question.

Together the teamwork and synergy is amazing. I have helped him in that he’ll think and process and think and process and I help him move. We’re both supposed to submit one to another.

You mentioned that you grew up in a broken home. Talk a little about family of origin and how you and your husbands’ collided.

My husband grew up in a two-parent home and they always knew the presence of a father. My father was there for a time, but then it was my mom raising four kids alone. As a child of divorced parents, I often felt forgotten. That played into my relationship with God—thinking he’d be there sometimes and then disappear.

My husband had a great relationship with his dad and even grandfathers. At first in marriage, it was difficult for me to receive instruction from a man and I had to check that. My husband modeled for me what a man in the home should look like, but he also had to separate and not be my father. That was an eye-opening lesson for me. This has been a lesson because 70% of homes in the urban environment are single parent homes. It’s a real issue we have to address.

Have the people you work with from a single parent home given up on the idea of marriage? Do they want to be married?

Many still want to be married but they want a healthy marriage – the basics. If he doesn’t have a job or a home, he’s not a man to marry. They want both parents to handle discipline, because if you don’t check it when you have a five year old, you’ll have a problem by eight!

Mom’s have a gear that dad’s don’t have and tend to be so nurturing. Does being a single mom keep them from having that?

They have to balance both. I know some single moms who have done an amazing job of loving and nurturing but putting down their foot as well. The danger, especially if they’re raising sons, is they can be so much of a disciplinarian they lose the nurture. Or others who are so nurturing there’s no discipline there.

Does this communicate to you that kids need a mom and a dad?

I know it’s old school and traditional, but we all need a mother and a father.

In a community where 70% of kids are born to a single parent, how do you champion marriage without alienating people?

We’re being very intentional about championing marriage while keeping in mind most of our congregation is single. We help people understand that God’s plan is two-fold—this is what marriage looks like, this is what singlehood looks like.

We try to use examples of both. And even in the married examples, using examples of those without children. But if you are going to enter the covenant with another person before God, this is what it should look like.

Your one simple thing for this week for a married couple: Grow together. No matter what situation you’re in – whether you both work or have different lives (one of you stays home, etc.), find ways to grow together emotionally, spiritually, through all you’re going through.

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

You can find Virgina Ward on Twitter. We want to hear from you! Visit us on Facebook, Instagram or our site.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us. Finally, we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 032: How do we do marriage and ministry together? (with Sherry Surratt) Apr 11, 2018

Sherry and her husband Geoff wrote the book Together: A Guide for Couples Doing Ministry Together. There are surprisingly few resources for couples doing ministry together, so this is the kind of book that Sherry and Geoff wished they had!

Interview

Tell us a little about you and Geoff’s journey in ministry and family

Geoff comes from a ministry background—most of his family is in ministry. The transition of going from not being in ministry to being married to a pastor was a big change for me. People expected me to be doing things because I was a pastor’s wife and I had no idea what those things were! It took me a while to find my way.

You guys have been across the board – from doing ministry together to separately. What are some unique challenges for couples in ministry?

One of the unique challenges is to figure out what your expectations are. I had expectations, and Geoff did as well. We didn’t have the good sense to even talk about it together. We have learned that you need to talk about what you expect marriage and ministry to be – we’ve learned to get honest.

Can you give me an example in those first few years of when you got your feelings hurt?

Right after our first child was born we were still youth pastors. We were having overnight parties with the youth and Geoff expected me to come to all those things. I was exhausted and didn’t want to leave my baby. I mentioned it but instead of talking it out I just came and it was a disaster.

I didn’t have the words to tell Geoff about it until years later and he was amazed—he just had no idea. I felt that if I told him what I was thinking and feeling it would pile on to all the other things he was bearing from the church, so I kept a lot to myself and that was mistake.

How does someone do that well? What’s the best way to share those things without piling on?

You learn the rhythm of ministry when you’re in it for a while. Right after they give a big message or there’s a big event is not a great time for a big conversation. Pick your time well. I started setting up a time to talk about things with Geoff and I had to plan ahead about what I wanted to say and accomplish with the conversation.

Ministry is so vulnerable; it can be tempting to turn that off for your spouse. That is really something to notice about yourself and talk to your spouse about.

Ministry can be exhausting. What’s the wisdom there, how do you handle that so you don’t give your spouse what’s left?

That’s a great thing to do some thinking on. I had to learn quick ways to refresh myself and recollect my thoughts/emotions so I can give Geoff my best. It was as simple as me getting home and wanting to go change into something comfortable.

Geoff needs a few minutes alone when he gets home. You need to find those things that both of you need, and spend some time talking through the upcoming season and what it will look like. When we learned to do that, it really helped.

It’s also helpful to widen the circle of your marriage - have someone outside your home that will speak into it. It’s good for both spouses to have an accountability partner who will call them on these things.

Talk a little bit to people who are overwhelmed in ministry and know they need to change but they’re afraid for what that could mean for their job. How do they approach leadership?

One of your responsibilities as a husband or a wife is to fight for your marriage – which means having the courage to speak up. This means you may have to speak up and go to your lead pastor to let them know you need to protect your marriage and take your day off.

Other than an emergency, you let your team know that you spend your day off with your family. You are a model for the other families in your church and they are watching!

Church leaders and especially youth pastors are often shocked by the idea of boundaries. I’ve had a lot of pushback that it doesn’t feel ‘Christian’. What would you say to that?

I would say that we have lost our way in that extent. One of the things that breaks our heart is when we see couples in ministry whose marriage suddenly falls into a ditch. Our ministry will only be as strong as our family life. If we are married and a parent, those are our first ministries. Cheat on the work side—don’t cheat your family.

You mentioned that you and Geoff hit a point where your marriage was in a ditch. Would you share a little about that season?

It came out of the very things we were just mentioning. We were planting a church and we were literally driving ourselves crazy. Our kids were young and the church started growing quickly. We were like passing ships in the night, like roommates working on a project together.

I reached a point where I wondered why even be married anymore and I wanted to pack up the kids and leave. Thankfully God intervened at a marriage retreat we were leading and God got ahold of my heart. We started praying together and apologized. We started doing marriage counseling and asked God to rebuild. My advice is don’t quit—God can rebuild anything.

You and Geoff have a ritual every day before work. Want to talk about that?

One of the things we realized in our intimacy was praying together over each other does more for our intimacy than anything else. Geoff wraps his arms around me and prays over me every day. That makes him so attractive to me! Every morning we ask each other “What do you have ahead in your day and how can I pray for you?”

When you tell a man to pray out loud with his wife, that’s scary. Is that true for women?

I think so. It may be a little harder for guys as they feel all this pressure to be the spiritual leader. But I think it’s practice.

Your one simple thing for this week: Find a time to get with your spouse and ask each other “How are we doing in our marriage?”

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

Check out Geoff and Sherry’s book, Together: A Guide for Couples Doing Ministry Together.

They also have an online class coming up; you can find it at doministrytogether.com. You can also connect with Geoff and Sherry at ministrytogether.com.

We want to hear from you! Visit us on Facebook, Instagram or our site and tell us what you do to protect your marriage from revolving around your kids.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us. Finally, we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 031: How do I protect my marriage from parenting? (with Nancie Lowe) Apr 04, 2018

We have a very special guest for this episode—Ted’s wife, Nancie. Together they have three kids who are 18, 15 and 12, so they know something about this topic!

The Tension: Parenting can be very challenging to a marriage

Why is parenting so tough on marriage?

Ted: We bring in our family of origin – we saw parenting done differently and bring in a lot of dynamics based on how we were raised.

Nancie: Every morning you wake up realizing again that you don’t know what you’re doing. It’s always more decisions to be made - you’re never done.

How do you protect your marriage in the midst of all the intensity? For example, when you’ve had to deal with a situation with your kids, the climate in the house changes. How do you guard your marriage?

The good news is we don’t have to throw our hands up and say, “it is what it is”. There are a few things we’ve applied that we think can help people with this.

Have mutual respect for each other – submit to each other out of reverence for Christ and respect what the other brings to the table. Have your spouses’ back and approach situations together.
Make time to talk. There has to be time together that’s not right off an incident. When you take a few minutes a day to talk about the kids and situations you have going on, it can leave space for you to spend time together later.
Spend time together. This is how you keep your marriage from revolving around your kids. This is just mom & dad time – date nights, working out together, etc.

Your one simple thing for this week: If you see something, say something! Watch for opportunities to tell your spouse when they’re doing a great job.

This is a simple thing that can make a huge difference in their day!

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

We want to hear from you! Visit us on Facebook, Instagram or our site and tell us what you do to protect your marriage from revolving around your kids.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us. Finally, we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 030: How do I connect with my spouse when we come from VERY different backgrounds? (with Crystal and Tom Chaing) Mar 28, 2018

Tom and Crystal come from very different backgrounds. Crystal is from North Georgia and Tom is originally from Taiwan and grew up in Colorado.

They’ve been married for five years. Crystal works at Orange leading the XP3 High School Initiative. Tom is a Marketing Manager. Their marriage is a great example of a unique marriage that blends different families of origin

Interview

How did you two meet?

There was a Christmas party that North Point put together for singles. Our mutual friend invited us both and that’s where we met.

Crystal: It was my first single’s event ever, and I met my husband!

As you started dating, did you run into any unexpected challenges based on your backgrounds?

We got along and our personalities clicked right away. As we started involving our family & friends, especially at holidays, that’s when we started noticing our differences.

Crystal: In my small town, if you’re dating someone you meet their family quickly. But Tom’s family (and maybe most of the country) will usually wait longer. My family started asking if they embarrassed me since they hadn’t met Tom yet.

Tom: I thought I was showing her honor and respect by not introducing her to my parents until we were further along.

What was it like when you finally did meet each other’s parents?

We put a lot of thought into where to meet our families. We ended up meeting at a Chinese fusion buffet. Our families really like each other, though sometimes they don’t understand each other’s accents!

So have you guys felt any big challenges being married?

There are a million little things. It’s not five big things; it’s all the small things where you notice the cultural differences. For example, in Tom’s culture, conversations are very transactional. One person speaks, the other responds. But in America it’s more a free-for-all; you have to break in and interrupt!

When those little things pop up, how do you handle it?

Tom: One of the things we always talk about is knowing that the other person is doing things with the best of intentions. Instead of saying “why did you do that?” you realize that your spouse has your back.

So what have been some of the surprising great things about being in an interracial marriage?

Crystal: Holidays are easier! Christmas is not as big a deal to his family, so my family gets their choice of how to celebrate. But Chinese New Year is a huge deal to his family, so we block that off for them. Tom’s family isn’t into the Fourth of July, but they have a holiday to celebrate the day that grandma passed. So we gather for that.

So how have you decided what to adopt from each of your families versus what you want to embrace in your own family?

Tom: First is clear communication with our families, usually well ahead of time. I like to say “If I’m going to disappoint you, I’ll tell you in advance.”

Crystal: Often we’re asking our families what it is they want us to pass down. If it really matters to them to have a picture of grandma who passed away on a table, we want to know that.

Do you have any advice for couples whose parents aren’t as involved or helpful as yours?

Chrystal: One of the things I struggled with the most at the beginning was being given unsolicited advice. I asked someone I know for insight on this and she told me that in Western culture, you show love to your grown children by allowing them to be independent. But in Asian culture, shame is a huge motivator. To help you prevent shame, you give advice. So when they give advice they’re truly trying to connect.

What would you say to couples who come from different families of origin and are really struggling?

Crystal: I had a situation on a trip to Taiwan where I had culture stress. I hadn’t given myself any breaks and I needed a minute. Anytime you spend time with someone else’s family, you’re going to experience culture stress and need to watch your own well-being.

Tom: One of things you can do is reach out to your in-laws without your spouse. It speaks volumes when you proactively reach out over the phone or in person.

Crystal: There are also times when you have to disappoint one of your families. Whoever’s parent it is, their child gives them the bad news. That’s worked out well for us.

Afton: One of the things I’m noticing about you two is how curious you are to learn the other person’s background and why they are the way they are. We all have different backgrounds, and approaching your spouse with a curiosity to learn about them could make a big difference in any marriage.

Your one simple thing for this week: Think the best about your spouse – know that they’re doing things in your best interest. Sit down with your spouse this week and talk about the way your family of origin impacts your marriage.

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

You can also visit us on Facebook or Instagram. Come tell us about your tips for this week’s one simple thing on social media or on our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

Book Recommendations: Foreign to Familiar and The 5 Love Languages. You can find Crystal and Tom on Instagram.

MP 029: How do I protect my spouse from myself? Mar 21, 2018

It’s a little bit of a weird question. One of the great things about marriage is that we can be ourselves—we can let our guard down and be comfortable. We can use that comfort to damage our relationship if we’re not careful, and we find ourselves saying things to our significant other that we wouldn’t say to anyone else.

The Tension: When we let our guard down, we let our guard down.

Often we’re more ourselves with our spouse than our coworkers because we can be, but it can be easy to take advantage of that situation and say things that are hurtful.

Be highly aware—Am I using the comfort and intimacy of marriage in a way that isn’t loving?

We need to protect our spouse from us, because our words and actions have greater potential to hurt them than anyone else in their lives.

Truth: James 1:19-20 “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry; because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

Let’s be smart, kind, gentle, authentic. But remember, our spouse is the number one person in our lives and they need this from us.

If your spouse is going to know a life where they are treated with kindness and respect, it’s because you choose to make that life possible.

Your one simple thing for this week: Ask yourself - when do I need to listen, when do I need to be slow to speak, when do I need to be slow to be angry?

You can pick one and take time to pause and focus on that. If you need to listen more, be conscious of asking questions and then pausing to let your spouse speak. A trick for this – ask your spouse a question and then take a drink while they reply. It forces you to pause and listen!

We would love to hear from you if you have any tips or tricks for any of these practices!

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

You can also visit us on Facebook or Instagram. Come tell us about your tips for this week’s one simple thing on social media or on our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us. Finally, we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 028: Is conflict bad in the story of my marriage? (with Robert Carnes) Mar 14, 2018

Today we have a very special guest with us, Robert Carnes. He is technically always with us, as he is the Managing Editor of MarriedPeople— he’s the guy behind the scenes who takes care of the MarriedPeople blog, social media and produces the podcast.

Robert also recently published a devotional on storytelling called The Original Storyteller. He and his wife, Victoria, have been married three years and live in the Atlanta area.

Today, we gave him a microphone!

The Tension: We feel like conflict in our marriage means that we’re doing something wrong.

Interview with Robert:

In writing the book, I discovered four main elements that identify stories. These four elements apply well to marriages, because those are essentially stories, too.

Characters: every marriage involves two very different characters. We should act like a supporting character to our spouse, rather than viewing them as an antagonist. It’s easy to see a story from OUR perspective, but when we can shift the narrative and put ourselves in our spouses’ shoes it can relieve some tension.
Conflict: every marriage faces conflict, both internal and external. But there’s a reason that stories don’t keep going on after ‘and they lived happily ever after.’ Because we tell stories about things that don’t go right. Conflict is a necessary part of a story, otherwise there’s nothing to tell.
Change: no one stays married to the same person for the entire marriage. That’s because we change over the course of our lives. The best story characters develop and so do we! Hopefully you and your spouse can change together.
Context: we all have a backstory—we existed before our marriage and that gives us depth. Stories have settings, authors and audiences. These things shape our perception of stories. Our background shapes how we see our spouse and our marriage.

What has this looked like in your marriage? Victoria and I have been married for three years. She is a CPA, and she’s really smart. She always wanted to be a CPA, and in that world she works long hours during tax season. From January to April 15th she works upwards of 60 hours a week.

That is a known part of our story, and I want to make myself a supporting character in her story. So I try to help around the house more during that time. Last year, I used tax season as an opportunity to further my career and keep myself busy. That’s when I wrote the book The Original Storyteller.

Truth: Every marriage has a unique story to tell—and it’s OK if that involves conflict and change.

Your one simple thing for this week: Pick one story to tell your spouse that’s unique to your relationship.

This story could be something about how you met, your wedding day/honeymoon, favorite vacation, a ‘remember when…’ story, even just telling them about your day.

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

You can also visit us on Facebook or Instagram. Come tell us about the story you and your spouse discussed this week on social media or on our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us. You can find more from Robert Carnes at The Original Storyteller. You can also find him on Twitter and Instagram. Finally, we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 027: How do we become our best us? Mar 07, 2018

Today we’re going to discuss how to become our best US. Longtime listeners of the podcast know that Ted wrote a book by the same title because every US is different - What if we really celebrated that God makes all of our marriages really different?

The book has four foundational principles and habits that help marriages. We tend to believe marriage is really complicated, but Ted’s book (and this podcast) is about helping couples see that marriage is easier than you think.

Core 4 Habits to Make Your Marriage Better

Have Serious Fun

People think that it’s ‘extra’ to have fun, not essential. The best way to protect your marriage is to enjoy it!

CJ: Typically, our serious fun is puzzles and games, but we actually have our first dance lesson tonight!

Afton: Our serious fun is almost always going to the movies. But usually date night is dinner – though I can have fun anywhere!

Ted: I have a surprise for you two! I got you both 2 for $22 Chili’s gift cards! Where can you have more fun than Chili’s? We love Chili’s!

Love God First

I know it’s weird to put ‘Love God First’ second, but I believe that laughter and humor open the heart to deeper things. If you start with laughter it can lead to deeper things.

When we connect with God first on our own, it postures us to love our spouse in a way we can’t love them on our own.

Respect and Love

There’s a circular relationship between respect and love – when we feel respected we tend to be more loving, and around it goes. Both genders need respect AND love; though typically men value respect the most while women value love.

Studies show that men’s core vulnerability is shame, which is the opposite of respect. And women’s core vulnerability is fear and love is the opposite of that.

Practice Your Promise

Marriage isn’t about the ‘big day’; it’s about the every day. Practice what you promised on a daily basis!

Your one simple thing for this week: pick one of the four and focus on that for the week.

CJ: I’ve already answered mine, which was to have more serious fun and start our dance class.

Afton: I want to have serious fun this week, because sometimes you can get stuck in the everyday flow of things that you can forget to have fun. We just need to have some fun!

Ted: I think ours is actually to have serious fun as well. We have so much going on. I think we need to interject some fun. Maybe bring out my scuba diving suit.

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review—they help us make the podcast better.

We’d love to hear which core habit you and your spouse are focusing on as well! Visit us on Facebook or Instagram and leave a comment to let us know.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. Finally, we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode.

MP 026: How do we live out til death do us part? (Part 2 with Sandy Wise) Feb 28, 2018

This is part two of our interview with Sandy Wise. If you missed last week, you’ll want to go back and check that out first. Today’s topic isn’t one that most people want to talk about, but it is important.

We’re picking up with Sandy’s story after Donald’s cancer treatment.

Tell us about Donald’s final week here on earth.

If you knew Donald, every other word out of his mouth was about Jesus. His last few days, he wanted to make sure our technician (and everyone else) knew about the Jesus he served his whole life. There was such a peace in the room, and at 11:20am on a Sunday Donald went to be with Jesus.

One of the best examples of how Donald and Sandy modeled marriage well was Donald’s memorial service. Tell us about that day.

All of my kids were at my house and all the girls were getting ready together. I remember us walking in and the song playing was one of Donald’s very favorite—Steven Curtis Chapman’s “No Better Place”. We called it Paw Paw’s Party with the grandkids; we just wanted to honor him because he had led us well.

How did you cope the first few months?

I will tell you, if there’s anything you can say about cancer, it does give you all this time to say all the things you want to say. We talked very openly about what it would look like on this side, and that set me up to walk those months afterwards.

I was surrounded by a lot of people, my kids made sure I wasn’t alone. My sister-in-law spent lots of time with me and she made me do ‘normal’.

How has the journey after Donald surprised you in good ways?

About a week after Donald went to Heaven, I was standing there in the bathroom and it was like I could hear him say, “Babe, you can do this.” I did some things people may think were crazy, but I got my first tattoo.

I also did things that were normal—Donald and I always went to the Braves spring training camp, so my sister-in-law and I went down and did that. I also sold our house and bought a town home.

It can be hard to know how to help people who are on a journey like this. How have people jumped in to be there for you and what advice would you give to people who want to love people after loss?

Give them the freedom to talk. There is nothing greater than for someone to tell me a Donald story. Make me do ‘normal’ things. One of the most blessed things that I’ve had is that our couple friends have invited me out for dinner still. Still invite them out.

I could think of nothing sadder than sitting and eating casseroles from a meal train by myself—take them out to eat! Before Donald passed, some folks decorated our house for Christmas and then came after and helped me take my tree down.

What are some of the things you shouldn’t say when someone is going through a loss?

People saying “Call me if you need me”. Sometimes I couldn’t even remember seeing people that day, much less calling them to ask for help. Also, books were not helpful to me. I know people meant well, but it wasn’t helpful to me. Don’t say that you know how I feel.

How has living on this side of Heaven without Donald—the void and loss—changed and evolved over time?

The first few months I didn’t want to say ‘widow’, but now I’m embracing it as this season in my life. After Donald left this earth, God came down and filled that void. I want to finish it well.

What would you say to someone who is on a similar journey—they may have lost their spouse?

I have a friend who just lost her spouse, and she told me she finds peace in talking to me because I’ve let her talk and she doesn’t feel crazy in the things she’s thinking. God chose this journey for you, He knew before He put you together with your husband that you were going to walk it.

The reason I (Ted) wanted you that are listening to hear from Sandy is that Sandy brings the remarkable gift of perspective. Losing someone you love helps you to know really quickly what matters and what doesn’t.

I know Donald Wise would be saying about Sandy – “I am so proud of you”.

If you want to follow Sandy, you can follow her on Facebook. You can also check out the book Sandy mentions: Don’t Waste Your Cancer.

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review—they help us make the podcast better.

Visit us on Facebook or Instagram. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. Finally, we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode.

MP 025: How do we live out in sickness and in health? (Part 1 with Sandy Wise) Feb 21, 2018

Today we’re excited to talk with our friend Sandy Wise—we’ve wanted to have her on the podcast since we started! Sandy and her husband Donald were married for 40 years before he went to heaven 23 months ago. We (Ted and Nancie) met them in 1998 working at summer camps and at North Point Church. We’re honored to have her join us.

Tell us how you and Donald met?

I was in a singing group at First Baptist Atlanta. Donald came to visit friends and I was singing on stage. I kept looking out and making eye contact with him. Afterwards someone came up and introduced us. We started dating that week and we’ve been dating ever since!

So what were your newlywed years like?

We left to go to Southwestern Seminary less than a year after we got married. It was 16 hours away from all our family, which I think was probably really healthy for us. Those first years of being in school were a whirlwind for us.

Tell us about what it was like to become parents for the first time. How did that change your marriage?

We were married in 1977 and our first son was born in 1980. None of our children were planned—they were all surprises. We were still in seminary when we had Nathan. Life just happens and you go for it knowing that God has it in control anyway. So we had Nathan, and I went to the doctor a few months later and found out we were pregnant with our second. Seven years later, we had our daughter Rebecca.

How did parenting multiple kids impact your marriage?

Through this whole journey of life, you have to have community. We have always surrounded ourselves with people who were ahead of us who could help mentor us down the road.

How did you prepare your kids for marriage?

I actually asked my kids this. Rachel and Nathan have been married 17 years, and Rebecca has been married for seven. They said:

-Not to settle for just anything, but to seek out God’s will

-You always told us we were on the same team

-You prayed with us a lot

-You led by example

What was it like to have sons-in-law and a daughter in-law for the first time?

My daughter-in-law is like another daughter to me. I was very pushy at first; I thought she needed another mother. My son had to let me know that I was trying a little too hard, and I had to realize they were making their own family.

Tell us about the day you found out Donald had cancer.

Rebecca got married in May and we were empty nesters! A few days before Christmas, Donald went in for a routine test. While he was still asleep, the doctor came and told me he thought it was cancer. He went for more tests, and they called us two days after Christmas to let us know it was stage four cancer. He started chemo very quickly after that.

Tell us about the journey of his cancer and treatment.

Donald and I always knew that God wouldn’t put anything in our path that He hadn’t already prepared for us. I look back now and I’m so thankful God chose me to walk this journey. We did lots of research those first few months, and we would also wake up every day and ask each other “what is our mission today?” God was really using Donald, everyone knew him on the chemo floor.

What would you say to people who have a spouse who is sick or struggling physically?

For us, with it being a terminal illness, we wanted to do normal. When he was up for it, Donald would get up, get dressed and we’d go down to the church. If I could say anything to someone walking a terminal illness, it’s to do normal. Whatever that takes. You also do a lot of research, because you’re the advocate for your spouse. You see them every day and you can help stand up for them.

One of the things Donald and I said from day one is #GodsGotThis. As you walk your journey, know that it was chosen for you by Him. And if it was, then He’s got it.

Well, this is only the start of our time with Sandy. We’ll actually have Sandy back for next week’s episode for a whole different topic, so be sure not to miss that. If you want to follow Sandy, you can follow her on Facebook. You can also check out the book Sandy mentions – Don’t Waste Your Cancer.

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

Visit us on Facebook or Instagram. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. Finally, we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode as we continue the conversation with Sandy.

MP 024: How do we live out for better or for worse? Feb 14, 2018

What does “for better or for worse” really mean? A surprise birthday party when you get home from work… your spouse doing the taxes and reorganizing your entire filing system – are those better or worse?

The truth is, promising your life to someone is more than surprise parties and taxes - we’re all going to face better and worse.

The Tension: A life committed to “for better or worse” has a lot of ‘worse’ times.

So what do we do about that?

The opening lines to the classic novel Anna Karenina say “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Satan is the author of confusion and there’s a lot of complexity and despair within confusion. God’s way always feels clearer and less confused.

After seeing a lot of couples go through tough situations, I (Ted) have seen that it really boils down to how couples view a situation and how they respond to the situation. One couple told me, “we used to use each other like a punching bag, now we see each other as a soft place to land.”

Truth: Your response to tough moments is the engine that can steer your marriage in one direction or another.

If you know what your tendencies are in tough times, it is easier to combat them. For example, if you know that your inclination when you get home is to go hide in your room, you can prepare yourself to stay present for your spouse and spend 30 minutes connecting with them.

Your one simple thing for this week: Ask yourself the question “what is one area of my life that I can respond to in a way that makes a tough thing better?”

CJ: To be transparent, Teri and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half. Every 30 days feels like another ‘worse’ for us. I need to think about how to respond every time this comes up so we can use this to bring us together instead of drive us apart.

Ted: You’ve just made a very profound point – maybe what makes ‘worse’ so difficult is that we’re both at a place that’s really tough. And that is a time that you both need each other. Thank you for being so willing to share!

We hope this episode helps you find some ‘worse’ areas in your marriage and respond to them differently.

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast! We hope today’s episode helped you realize that marriage is a little easier than you may think. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

Visit us on Facebook or Instagram. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

MP 023: How do we live out for richer or for poorer? (with Rafa Robert) Feb 07, 2018

Money is a big deal in any marriage, so we knew we wanted to talk about finances. Whether you share our Chili’s 2 for $22 obsession, have discovered the joy of Movie Pass, or maybe want to save for a ticket to outer space, we feel you! Join us as we talk about this topic with our friend Rafa Robert.

Interview with Rafa Robert

Rafa Robert is the Director of Love and Money at Brightpeak Financial. They focus on helping couples thrive in their relationship with money and each other.

Rafa has a B.A. in Religion, Theology and Ethics as well as a Masters in Counseling Psychology. He has been married for 20 years and is a dad to two “mid-west-Rican” kids.

The Tension: Money is challenging

Rafa: Young couples that argue about financials on a regular basis in the first five years are 70% more likely to get divorced. We wanted to find out why this is such a tension.

We’ve found that it’s bigger than a budget – there’s all this stuff going on under the surface that is more than spending and saving. Finances touch on differences in values.

There are five dimensions to our relationship with money. Understanding the motivation your spouse has when it comes to money can make all the difference.

Spiritual – What do I believe about God and resources?
Cultural – Our family upbringing, even the part of the country you grew up in
Emotional – Are you anxious about money, are you extroverted/introverted, etc.
Behavioral – Are you good with your habits/goals?
Practical - Do you know the right things to do with money?

Ted: If nothing else from this interview, being able to step back and ask what your spouses’ heart is when it comes to finances could be so impactful.

Rafa: We did some studies when we created our Love & Money Assessment and we found how impactful it is to be valued and heard when it comes to money. Jesus talks more about money than just about anything in the Bible and there’s a reason for that.

When you choose to understand each other’s story and speak each other’s language, that’s huge.

Truth: Money can be a catalyst of connection or disconnection.

Your one simple thing for this week: Ask your spouse about their first memory when it comes to money.

It’s a really easy conversation to have, but you’re tapping into some truths around why the story came to mind. You’re learning about each other and gaining some awareness about their money story. That one simple thing can help you work together to be better together!

Afton: The first time I remember addressing money in my family was around Christmas in 1999. We got a Gateway computer and I told my parents that Santa had to be real because there was no way we could afford that computer. I didn’t think they could ever spend that much money on something ‘frivolous’.

CJ: Money really hit home when I was in middle school. My dad worked in the car industry at a dealership and the industry was struggling. They were consolidating brands and my family started praying that my dad’s dealership wouldn’t get shut down. That’s when I realized it was because we needed money.

Ted: My dad is a cotton farmer and my aunt, who served a mom role after my mom passed away, had two very different views of money. My dad’s mood was based on the weather that fed the crops – it was great when it rained. Then I had my aunt who had money, appreciated nicer things and felt that I should have them. I always felt torn when it came to money.

We hope this question gets you talking about money with your spouse!

Visit us on Facebook or Instagram. If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us, our blog at MarriedPeople.org and Brightpeak Financial.

Finally, we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 022: How do I get perspective in my marriage? Jan 31, 2018

We all know what it feels like to lose perspective – we get caught up in the little problems in our day-to-day life and marriage. The laundry isn’t folded, your spouse is late getting the kids or getting home from work, etc.

Sometimes one helpful tool could help change that - this podcast is based off a post on our blog called 3 One-Liners That Make a Huge Difference in Our Marriage.

The Tension: It’s easy to get wrapped up in negative perspectives of life and marriage.

Afton: I’m a 1 on the Enneagram and I see the world through a lens of everything could be better. So I always think that things in marriage could be better or more perfect.

CJ: I tend to think that I could always do more in a day. I get into a rut – I get tunnel vision where I’m tempted to just work and work.

Truth: Perspective is everything.

Ted: Nancie and I have these 3 one-liners that have made a big impact on our marriage:

We have rich people problems.

This one came up when we caught ourselves complaining about things that really aren’t big issues – like not being able to get wifi in the bonus room.

It sounds like a very serious statement, but I’ve found it to be lighter than it sounds. It reminds us to keep things in perspective.

Do you want me to fix it or feel it?

This one changed everything for us. Early in our marriage, Nancie would share something and I would instantly try to fix it, which would put her in defense mode. I’ve learned to ask this question, and she has started stating up front what she needs. It’s made a huge impact.

We know tragedy and this isn’t it.

We’ve had loss in our family, and my dad used to say this to me when I was young. It can be easy to lose perspective and make things bigger than they are. But if you have perspective, it can help reduce conflict.

Your one simple thing for this week: Choose one one-liner and talk about it with your spouse.

These one-liners are great for you to use personally. But if you talk to your spouse about them, they can really impact your marriage.

If you have your own one-liner that you use in your marriage, we’d love for you to share them with us on Facebook or Instagram.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. Finally, we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 021: How do I make Valentine's Day different this year? Jan 24, 2018

Want to do something different for Valentines Day this year? Here are some great ones that we saw advertised:

You can pay to have a cockroach at the Bronx Zoo named after your spouse. The website states, "Flowers wilt. Candlelight fades. Roaches are forever."
You can prearrange funeral arrangements for you and your spouse.
If you’re a DIY person, you can make your spouse a bouquet of bacon roses.

Valentine’s Day is a big deal in our culture. Should we get excited about it? The good news about the day is that it serves as a pause to stop and do something for your spouse. The tough part is that many of us don’t know what would speak well to our spouse.

The Tension: Valentine’s Day can sometimes cause more disconnection than connection.

If your spouse makes a move your direction for Valentine’s Day, even if it’s ‘typical’, it’s a good idea to accept it and see it as them making a move toward you. You can talk about the specifics later.
Embrace the unique, specific, “I know you” Valentine’s Day traditions. And sometimes that does mean flowers, depending on your spouse!

Afton: Hudson made me hand-made, watercolor Valentine’s our first year dating… and they were Harry Potter themed. I loved it so much I wanted to frame them.

Put a little note in your calendar that says, “think about Valentine’s Day” a few weeks before. Then start watching and listening for ideas.

Truth: To love your spouse intimately you must know them specifically.

We have some ideas for you based on things Ted has done over the years.

Fiverr.com – For $5, you can get people to create all kinds of fun stuff. I had a guy from the jungle swing in on a vine and read a love note I wrote to my wife, Nancie. One year, I sent someone a picture of our dog and they animated him saying, “Happy Valentine’s Day Nancie!” She LOVED both.
Poster – a few years ago I went to local print shop and had our wedding announcement from the newspaper blown up to poster size for $7. I framed it with a cheap frame from Walmart. Nancie LOVED it. You can do similar things pretty inexpensively online or in store through Walmart Photo
Wall art- Okay so this one took me some time, but Nancie REALLY LOVED it. Here goes:
1. Take a piece of 1.5ft by 1.5ft plywood and paint it (most home improvement stores have a pieces already cut or will cut it for you)
2. Cut two holes at the top
3. Paint it the color of your choice
4. Stencil or free-hand the message of your choice
5. Once the paint is dry, thread your rope through the holes, tie the ends in knots and it’s ready to hang

For some of you, this is all your wife will want. For others of you, you may need to do something additional like dinner, or a cruise for two to Tahiti. But make no mistake about it, something unique that took you just a little time will mean a lot!

Your one simple thing for this week: create something unique that takes just a little bit of time.

The point isn’t to copy ideas, it’s to do something that takes time and is specific to your spouse. Also, be a good gift receiver. Give them the benefit of the doubt when they try something!

MP 020: How do I help my spouse deal with pain from a previous relationship? (With Sam & Toni Collier) Jan 17, 2018

Today’s episode is a little bit different – we’re going to listen to the redemptive story of Sam and Toni Collier’s marriage, and we think you’re really going to enjoy it.

Interview with Sam and Toni

Sam and Toni have been married for a little over a year and they’re a blended family. Toni’s three-year-old daughter, Dylan, is a ball full of energy in their home!

Sam: I was adopted at two months old with my twin sister. We were adopted out of a poverty stricken situation by a lovely couple. My dad was married twice before he met my mom and my mom was coming out of an abusive marriage. They become believers and got married, after which they find out that they can’t have kids. They come to meet my sister and I and were told they shouldn’t adopt us because we wouldn’t amount to much (due to where we came from). They taught us that if we didn’t believe in ourselves, it was viewed as wrong. They didn’t fight in front of us, and every morning at 5am they were up praying.

Toni: My story isn’t as polished as Sam’s. But we do have a central thread – my mom was abused in her previous marriage. My parents met and my dad rescued her from her situation. My dad has had two marriages as well, and they came together and get saved. However, my mom didn’t heal from her first marriage. My dad had a tough childhood as well, and you bring these two broken people together and brokenness leaks out onto your kids. I was verbally abused myself, and in the 3rd grade my mom had a stroke and it completely knocked her out. I watched her bounce back from a lot of health issues, but I was parenting my mom and myself. I graduated at 16 and left the house. But in the midst of all that brokenness, I still take away their willingness to give and my dad’s willingness to provide.

Sam: We met in ministry, and as soon as we got married we jumped into counseling. Toni had been through so much in her last marriage with the verbal abuse, some physical abuse, lack of providing… and our counselor has helped us through that.

Ted: My view of divorce over 16 years has evolved – I think I had a really legalistic view of it. I can say that for most people, divorce is not the answer. But for some people, it is. We make promises that people’s spouses can’t keep. I can make promises about your relationship with Jesus – because he is the same every day. But people that do what I do can tend to say, “If you do X, your spouse will do Y” and that’s not always the case. What would you say to a spouse who is damaged and hurt?

Toni: I don’t want to advise anyone to make a decision – anyone in a hard situation really has to make the decision for themselves. But in my own personal story, I’ve known that God has a plan for me. And there was a moment in my first marriage where I didn’t have that hope anymore and it wasn’t my fault. That’s when I knew I had to go.

Ted: Now, we shout from the rooftops that we love counselors. But I never want to forget that guy or that lady who thinks there’s something wrong about going. But once you do it, you shout it from the rooftops. What made you guys so comfortable with it?

Sam: Well we have to say Reggie (head of Think Orange). But some tangible reasons – she didn’t mention much about the abuse she went through, but when you go through stuff like that you need someone. I think it’s great to have somebody who is unbiased pouring love on you all. And third, I hate not being good at something. And at the end of the day, I’m going to be measured on what I was given - my family. Why wouldn’t I go?

Toni: For those of you experiencing that friction of not having time for it – we make time for the things we care about. I want to be a better me emotionally. One thing to watch out for with counseling is fear – fear of exposing myself to a stranger, fear of being judged. But vulnerability and bravery and being courageous unlock so many other emotions. I am a much better me, wife, friend and mother because I know what’s going on with me and I know where it came from.

Ted: You guys are modeling something great, and I just want to say thank you so much.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. You can also check out Sam’s podcast A Greater Story, and find more from Toni on her website.

Finally, we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 019: Why do I have a problem with the word ‘submit’ in my marriage? Jan 10, 2018

The word ‘submit’ can feel parental – especially in the context of a wife submitting to her husband (though submitting can be a tough idea for everyone!). But regardless of your theological beliefs around this, Ephesians 5:25 encourages us to submit one another.

Afton: This word was a tough one for me before I got married, but after marriage something surprising happened for me – I saw the ways it mattered for us both to submit to each other. And when I say ‘submit,’ I mean that I see Hudson put me first every day and I want to put him first too.

CJ: This brings up a great question - when we say ‘submit’ what does that even mean?

Ted: As believers, we are called to this crazy idea of putting our spouse ahead of ourselves. And we do this because of what Christ did for us. Marriages that work are ones where the couples are ‘racing to the back of the line’ – putting the other first.

The Tension: We don’t want to submit.

As human beings, it’s not our natural inclination to put ourselves last. But this is a great example of us choosing to die to ourselves in our marriage and put the other first – even when we may not want to.

Truth: God calls us to submit to our spouse.

So what’s at stake here? From a big picture, our level of intimacy with God is at stake. This is our visible way of thanking an invisible God for what He has done.

On a more personal level, what’s at stake is the quality of our relationship.

Afton: So what does this look like practically in a relationship? The things that are popping into my head are when I let him pick the flavor of ice cream – but is that the level of things we’re talking about? What does it actually look like?

Ted: It is the little moments – as an introvert, it’s going with your extroverted spouse to a party because you know what it means to them. But it’s also doing it with the attitude of wanting to make their life better.

Your one simple thing for this week: Declare one day this week as a ‘race to the back of the line day’ and work hard to win the race.

Ask God to show you ways to do this, and watch what it means to your spouse. Especially when you do it out of reverence for Christ, and not to get a positive reaction out of them.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. Finally, we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 018: Why are my words such a big deal to my spouse? Jan 03, 2018

Intuitively, we know our words are a big deal. But we usually only remember that they’re a big deal when something happens that shows us we’ve forgotten. We’ve all had this happen, even recently! Join us as we discuss why words are such a big deal in marriage.

The Tension: In marriage, we can find ourselves saying the things we shouldn’t say and not saying the things we should say.

There’s something hardwired into our DNA that makes words really matter to us. But for some reason, we tend to forget the weight of our words.

We often give ourselves a break on our words because we genuinely didn’t mean to hurt the other person. But should we be giving ourselves a break?

Proverbs 12:18 says, “Careless words stab like a sword, but wise words lead to healing.”

We remember hurtful words with such clarity – we often remember the entire situation surrounding the words very vividly.

But words can hurt our spouse or they can also be used to help heal them.

Truth: Words can hurt or words can heal.

When we say the right things, it’s not a big event the way hurtful words can be. But they are part of a process can be really healing to your spouse.

This doesn’t have to be complicated! If we take the time to slow down and actually say the positive things we think about our spouse it can make a huge difference.

Your one simple thing for this week: This week – on the day you are with your spouse the most – keep a tally of the wise things and careless things you said to your spouse.

Taking the time to keep the tally can help you be more aware of what you’re saying to your spouse. There are so many times you may not know that you’ve been more careless than you realized!

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. Finally, we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 017: How do I stay connected with my spouse despite the craziness of life? (with Frank & Jessica Bealer) Dec 06, 2017

No one ever says, “I’ve got too much time on my hands!” We all have super busy schedules – and our family/marriage ends up at the center of the busyness. So now what? We talk with Frank and Jessica about how they balance their busy schedules.

Frank is the Executive Director of Leadership Development at Orange. Earlier this year he released his first book, “The Myth of Balance.” Jessica has been leading children’s ministry for 17 years and authored her latest book “Don’t Quit”. Frank and Jessica have four children.

Interview with Frank and Jessica

The Tension: Life, career and family can be all consuming leaving little time for couples to connect.

We’ve worked hard to find a time in our schedule that’s a ‘pocket of intimacy’.

We take a walk at night after dinner. It’s our time to connect about the day, and it gives us both a time when we know we can talk about the things on our mind.
This has to be a time of day that works for both of you. Dinnertime just doesn’t work for us right now due to kids’ sports schedules, but we know at the end of the day we can connect on our walk.
When you are connecting, it is important for each spouse to be clear about whether they want the other person to ‘fix it or feel it’. Often, men want to jump in and fix problems, but women tend to want them to just listen and feel it. Ask specifically for what you’re wanting!
I (Jessica) have learned to ask specifically for Frank to give me a couple of ideas about the problem I’m facing. This helps me get his insight without him having to fix it for me.

Your one simple thing for this week: Find a pocket of time to connect as a couple each day.

This should be something you both enjoy! And once you find something that works, commit to it and put it on your calendar.

Afton: I’m going to commit to spending 15 minutes doing something fun. If I can play Mario Cart with Hudson, we’ll get to talking.

CJ: I’ve decided to spend my first 30 minutes at home each day putting my cell phone down and spending the time with Teri. Sometimes it’s making dinner or hanging out, but just connecting.

Ted: We spend time connecting while we’re getting ready in the morning. We also like to connect over the show This is Us.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. You can find Jessica’s book, Don’t Quit, here, and don’t forget to check out her blog. Frank’s book, The Myth of Balance, is here.

This is the last episode of 2017 for us! We’ll be back in 2018. Enjoy your Christmas!

MP 016: Is really knowing my spouse important? (with Stuart Hall) Nov 29, 2017

Today we’re talking with Stuart Hall about this question. But before we do, Ted has a little surprise for Afton and CJ - Ted reached out to their spouses and asked them some questions. Tune in to hear how they answered, and who won the prize for knowing their spouse the best (the prize being a gift card to Chili’s, of course)!

Interview with Stuart Hall

Stuart Hall provides leadership and vision for XP3 – the student division of Orange. He is the author of 3 books, and travels and speaks to thousands of students, leaders, coaches and parents each year.

Stuart: Intimacy is to know and be known without any fear of rejection. This is intimacy in all forms – sexual, but also emotional, spiritual, etc. Our relationship went to a different level when we really started being honest and pulling back our layers with each other.

The Tension: Letting our spouses know us can be uncomfortable. Allowing our spouse to be honest with us about us is not easy to hear.

Stuart: The more honest you can be with each other, the more intimate you can be.

Ted: Do you have an example of how this has gone?

Stuart: I inherited facial expressions and tone that are so disrespectful. It probably didn’t have as much weight when we didn’t have children, but watching our son (who many times thinks he’s right, and more times than not is right) and his face/body language – one time, Kelly confronted me about something he did, and said that he got it from me. And she was right, as painful as it was to hear.

Perspective is the cruelest form of reality – it doesn’t matter how you meant it, it’s how it was received!

Truth: Intimacy is defined as to know and be known without fear of rejection.

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

I Corinthians 15:12

So where do we start with this path to deeper honesty/intimacy?

Your one simple thing for this week: Finish this sentence: “I really like it when you ______.” And then tell your spouse.

Afton: Every morning, Hudson brings me coffee wherever I am. It’s a micro-move, a throwback to episode 1!

CJ: I like it when Teri sends me silly snap chats. It’s about the small things!

Ted: I really like it when Nancie laughs at my jokes.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. Afton has a product called the Lead Small Ice Breaker Box. You can follow Stuart on Twitter to hear more from him!

Finally – we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode, “How do I stay connected with my spouse despite the craziness of life?”

MP 015: How do I have an intentional marriage amidst a busy career? (With Jeff Henderson) Nov 22, 2017

Jeff Henderson is the lead pastor Gwinett church. Prior to Gwinett Church, Jeff served as the lead pastor of Bucket Church, North Point’s first multi-site location. He spent 21 years in marketing, mostly at Chick Fil A. He and his wife Wendy have 2 children, and they live in the Atlanta area.

Jeff Henderson Interview

Ted: If someone listening is a busy leader who has a lot going on, why does that bring so much challenge to a marriage?

Jeff: For us it has been a lot about scheduling, as simple as it sounds. There have been many times that I forget to tell Wendy about a trip I’m going on. We have had to learn to get ahead of this – We have each other’s calendar, so Wendy can look on mine anytime.

Managing the busyness together - that’s the key.

I would suggest reading Choose to Cheat by Andy Stanley – Andy unpacks the principles he used to approach work in a smart way, without sacrificing his family,

Ted: But what about the people whose boss doesn’t appreciate when they put their family first?

Jeff:

Lead up as well as you possibly can – have those conversations with your boss and then ask them to trust the results.
When you produce the results, often leaders will acknowledge that.
If you have a boss who is unwilling to talk about it, it may be time to ask the Lord if He still wants you there
Know that there are seasons of crazy, but it shouldn’t last forever. During the seasons of busy, make the decisions about how you’re going to spend your time mutually with your spouse.

Ted: I know this is a marriage podcast, but tell us a little about what you’re doing at championtribes.com. I know that means a lot to Wendy and is important for marriages too.

Jeff: Campion Tribes is a group experience that gives dads tools to raise their sons. Many sons are living FOR their father’s affirmation, instead of living FROM their father’s affirmation. We’re giving dads a plan to help them navigate their son’s 11-14 year old window. We also have a version coming soon for mothers with daughters.

And when you’re parenting your kids well, that has a huge positive impact on your marriage as well!

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. You can find more about what Jeff is doing with Champion Tribes at championtribes.com.

Finally – we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 014: How do I have a great when my parents didn't? (With Casey & Meygan Caston) Nov 15, 2017

Casey and Meygan Caston are the founders of Marriage 365. They’ve faced a lot in their marriage and they join us today to talk about this topic – “How do I have a great marriage when my parents didn’t?”

Casey and Meygan Caston Interview

Casey and Meygan can speak to marriage struggles – Between their sets of parents, there are 12 marriages. By year 3 they were heading straight for a divorce. As they found their way out of their struggles, they formed their non-profit to help other couples find the tools they needed.

So, what made you guys hang in there?

Meygan: I hated who I had become. I was a friendly, kind, compassionate individual before I got married and I was a bitter, angry, resentful woman after. I decided that I couldn’t wait around for Casey to change, so I got myself help – I started seeing a therapist, meeting with woman who had been married 20 years and reading books. I realized I couldn’t wait for Casey, I was responsible for my own happiness. You can’t change your husband, but you can have a very positive impact on him by changing first.

Casey: It takes two to keep a negative cycle going, but sometimes one can stop it. You have to start at a place of hope.

We started:

Dating again
Having fun
Having heart to heart conversations – not just “What do you want for dinner” type conversations, but deep conversations.
Being on each other’s team instead of playing the blame game
Praying together and spent a lot of time together
Being real and vulnerable with each other

It’s not easy, but it’s not complicated!

Your one simple thing for this week: Try out ‘The 60 Second Blessing’ and spend 60 seconds affirming your spouse’s qualities (their features, accomplishments, etc).

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. You can find more from Casey and Meygan at marriage365.org.

Finally – we hope you’ll join us for next week’s episode!

MP 013: Why do I keep making the same mistakes in my marriage? (With Carlos Whittaker) Nov 08, 2017

Ever find yourself saying, “If I could fix this or overcome that, my marriage would be better”? And yet, we keep coming back to the same mistakes! Join us as we talk with Carlos Whitaker about how to overcome some of these reoccurring things that impact marriages.

Carlos Whitaker is a people’s choice award winner, a former recording artist signed to a major label, a social media maven, and currently spends the majority of his time writing books and speaking on stages around the world. He recently released his book Kill the Spider, which you can find at KillTheSpider.com.

Carlos Whitaker Interview Kill the Spider is based off a story that my father told me – it was about when he was preaching his first revival in Panama. The first night of the revival, during the invitation, an older lady came forward and asked him to pray that the Lord would clean the cobwebs from her life. She came back the next night asking for the same thing. The third night she came back and my dad told her “tonight, we pray that He kills the spider that’s producing those cobwebs.”

The book is my journey past my cobwebs to my spider(s) and then my journey to kill my spider. And I’m seeing this book bring so much freedom to people who are chasing their tail and medicating their behaviors. It’s about finding the lies behind the behavior and getting rid of them. Here’s the outline to that process:

Identify your spider – This can be three quarters of the work!
Locate your spider – where was it given birth?
Corner the spider – with the Word of God and prayer
Kill the spider – take a dagger to the heart of it by confessing, rejecting, and renouncing the lie and then replacing with God’s truth.

The spiders don’t have to be huge! They could be small things that sneak up in daily life.

Your one simple thing for this week: Go to killthespider.com and buy the book.

Let’s talk about our spiders.

CJ: My reoccurring issue is when I stay too late at work and am late getting home to Teri. The payoff to staying late is that you get ahead, get more done – which makes me feel like I’m proving myself. The cobweb is that I’m not giving Teri my best hours. The spider is that I put value on the public approval of performing at work.

Afton: My takeaway from this is that I want to go home and ask Hudson what he thinks my spiders are.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. You can find more from Carlos at KillTheSpider.com and on his podcast Enter Wild.

MP 012: How can I be more positive about my spouse? (with Dr. Jim Burns) Nov 01, 2017

It’s easy to get into a negative cycle of thoughts about your spouse. Today we talk with Dr. Jim Burns, one of the most positive people we know, about this very topic!

Jim Burns is the President and Executive Director of the HomeWord Center for Youth and Family at Azusa Pacific University. He writes and speaks on the values of HomeWord, which include Strong Marriages, Confident Parents, Empowered Kids, and Healthy Leaders. Some of his most popular books include: Confident Parenting, Creating an Intimate Marriage. Most recently, Jim also co-authored a book with Doug Fields called The First Few Years of Marriage: 8 Ways to Strengthen Your “I Do.”

Interview with Jim Burns

Today we’re talking about Positive Adaptability. To talk about what it is, let’s start with the opposite – Offilize - A new word that means taking everything to the worst. “My spouse is probably having an affair, we’re never going to have a great marriage, etc”.

You can discipline yourself to be more positive! Negativity brings a marriage down, but a healthy marriage is a mindset. Here are some thoughts on how create a healthy mindset:

Be willing to consider if you have a low maintenance versus high maintenance marriage -
- A low maintenance marriage – you don’t have to work as hard at, maybe you came from highly functional backgrounds, one of the spouses really helps it be low maintenance because they’re so healthy.
- A high maintenance marriage – takes more work, there’s more baggage brought in.
For every 1 negative thought or communication, you need 5 positive ones
Start with a self-assessment – where are we on this spectrum?
Ask yourself – “Does it really matter?” and don’t say everything you think!
Practice “Thank Therapy” – focus on things you’re thankful for about the other person.

Your one simple thing for this week: Write down a few words about why you are thankful for your spouse. And share those words with your spouse.

Ted: For you, if sharing these words with your spouse is via text, that’s totally fine! What is one of the things about your spouse that you are thankful for?

CJ: Teri is so selfless, which is cheesy to say. But just this morning, I had forgotten to tell her we ran out of coffee. But she had already seen and re-filled it!

Afton: Hudson is so selfless too. He pretty much handles everything all the time.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. You can find more from Dr. Jim Burns at https://homeword.com.

Finally – we hope you’ll join us next week when we talk to Carlos Whitaker about the question, “How can I get rid of the things holding me back in my marriage?”

MP 011: Can I have a great marriage and a great career?” (With Carey Nieuwhof) Oct 25, 2017

It comes as no surprise that Americans vacation too little, sleep too little and work too much. Not to mention that married people are working even more hours than single people are! Is it too much to ask for a great marriage AND a great career? Join us as we talk with Carey Nieuwhof about this topic!

Ted: I got the privilege of sitting down with Carey Nieuwhof. Carey is one of the most productive guys I know and he also has one of the best marriages I know. But as he shared with me, he and his wife Toni didn’t always have a great marriage and he says that was because he was so focused on work. Here’s a little about Carey:

Carey Nieuwhof is the lead and founding pastor of Connexus Community Church in Toronto. In addition to pastoring Connexus, blogging, and writing, Carey often speaks to leaders across North America about families and about leadership. Carey is co-author with Reggie Joiner of Parenting Beyond Your Capacity and Lasting Impact.

Interview with Carey:

Carey: One of the real temptations for ambitious/driven people is that you marry your work. I was definitely in that camp for a number of years, and I love what I do!

Toni and I hit a rough point and she felt that we might not make it. I wondered how we were going to make it. She suggested I go to a counselor, but I didn’t feel I needed to go. I don’t go to counselors, I send people to counselors!

I went in with a long list of things wrong with Toni, came out with a long list of things wrong with me. We each started to get better, and our marriage got better. If you’re obedient, your emotions catch up to your obedience.

Some transferrable truths about marriage:

You’re probably tempted to quit moments before your critical breakthrough
Whenever you say “you always” and “you never” – you are in bad territory
If your wife says you need counseling, you need counseling
If you go to counseling, find a good Christian counselor
Marriage is an investment – but divorce is expensive!

How do 9-5’ers manage their energy instead of just their time?

Sleep more!
Manage your ‘no’s and ‘yes’s really carefully
Eat better
Shut notifications off your phone/turn on ‘do not disturb’
Busy seasons must have a beginning and an end
Set rules for your calendar (i.e. no meetings on Monday/Wednesday, etc.)
Never put your identity in something that can be taken from you. Your identity is in Christ

Your one simple thing for this week: Have a meal with your spouse every night this week.

CJ: For me, it’s important to remember that these things are ideals and not perfect solutions. Personally, I can’t guarantee that I won’t have meetings on Mondays or Wednesdays. But I can shoot for that and I’ll get closer by having it on my calendar.

And if we shoot for the one simple thing this week, it’s 3.5 hours of quality time with your spouse!

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. You can find more from Carey Nieuwhof at careynieuwhof.com.

Finally – we hope you’ll join us next week when we talk to Dr. Jim Burns about the question “Can I really see my spouse in a more positive way?"

MP 010: How can I give my spouse grace? (with Kara Powell) Oct 18, 2017

Show Notes

Have you ever seen the pictures online that say, “You had one job”? You know, like the person who created a 3rd place medal that reads “3st”? It can be hard to give grace in our daily life! It can be even more difficult in our marriages. Today we interview Kara Powell to talk about this topic.

Here’s a little about Kara Powell:

Kara Powell, PhD, is the Executive Director of the Fuller Youth Institute and a faculty member at Fuller Theological Seminary. She was named by Christianity Today as one of "50 Women You Should Know", Kara is the author of a number of books including Sticky Faith, Essential Leadership, and her latest book, Growing Young.

The Tension: It’s difficult to give each other grace because we see the good, the bad the ugly. Once we get married, the things we were fascinated by become annoying.

Kara: What separates Christianity from every other religion is grace. How can your family be a place where God’s grace permeates? Where you’re quick to ask for forgiveness and quick to forgive?

Truth: What if we tried to outdo each other in showing grace?

Kara: I would love if Christian marriages were famous for permeating God’s grace.

So what are some steps to showing each other grace in marriage?

It starts with understanding each other’s best times to talk about hard subjects. If one spouse is a morning person and the other a night owl, it’s best to be aware of that and set yourselves up for success by waiting for the right timeframe.
Hard conversations lead to grace. Saying, “I was wrong, you were right and I’m sorry” can lead the conversation to a graceful place.
Sometimes the issue isn’t worth damaging the marriage over and it’s best to let it go. You don’t want to repress resentment, but if it’s something relatively small consider showing grace. Pick up the shoes they left, let go of the small things, etc.
Apologize first – nothing good comes from waiting. When you know you owe them an apology, don’t wait. Even if you have to be the first one, it’s childish to wait for them to apologize first!
It’s not what we think we’re communicating, it’s with the other person is receiving. Their perception is more important than what we think we’re saying. It’s good to check in and see how your spouse perceives what you’re saying.
Consider asking your spouse, “If you could change anything about me, what would that be?”

Your one simple thing for this week: When the time is right, have a conversation about how you handle conflict. Then ask - if we could change one thing about how we handle conflict, what would it be?

CJ: It really stuck out to me when Kara talked about having ‘residue’ when we don’t apologize or offer grace.

Afton: When I think about grace in my marriage, it’s letting Hudson be who he is – I can show him grace by not making little things a big deal. For me, it’s letting it go when he leaves things around the house or drops a wine glass.

As Christians, we should have marriages that people want to have. And that starts with giving grace!

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

Finally – we hope you’ll join us next week when we talk to Carey Nieuwhof about the question, “Can I have a great marriage AND a great career?”

MP 009: Can you support your spouse when you don't agree with them? Oct 11, 2017

Today we have our friend Sarah Bragg joining us to discuss whether you can still support your spouse when you don’t agree with them.

Let us tell you a little about Sarah!

Sarah Bragg has worked in ministry and alongside those serving in ministry for more than 15 years. Her book titled Body. Beauty. Boys. The Truth About Girls and How We See Ourselves helps young women find their value in the One who matters. She currently works as the Content Director for the Live A Better Story adult small group curriculum. She also has a Masters of Arts in Biblical Studies from Dallas Theological Seminary.

In 2015, she launched a successful podcast, Surviving Sarah, where she invites guests to join her around her kitchen table to talk about surviving life so that women will be inspired, informed, encouraged and entertained. You can find her online at SurvivingSarah.com Sarah and her husband, Scott, and their daughters, Sinclair and Rory, reside in Marietta, Georgia.

A few months ago, our own Ted was a guest on Sarah’s podcast. Ted heard Sarah’s stories about how her and her husband are both entrepreneurs and knew he wanted to have her on the MarriedPeople podcast. We’re glad to have her as we talk about this tension.

The Tension: In marriage we are going to have times we don’t agree with our spouse.

Sarah: Scott is a risk taker and I’m not. He does think through things, but he is more willing to take a big risk when he sees the potential.

I’ve had to learn the balance between when I go to him for more clarification or to share my opinion and when I step back.

Because ultimately I can’t change his mind! The only one who can is God, and I take a step back and pray that if it’s not what’s best for our family God would shut it down.

Truth: Understanding your spouse leads to grace for your spouse.

When the relationship is what matters to you the most, it’s worth the effort to get to know what drives their decisions.

There are times when you need to go seek outside counsel, but if you can focus on the bigger picture and learn to understand your spouse you’ll be able to continue moving forward in your story!

Your one simple thing for this week: Do one thing to better understand your spouse.

This can be a small thing!

Turn off the tv and ask them questions
Take a personality test (we love the Enneagram!)
Listen to a podcast – maybe this one?

Can you support your spouse when you don’t understand or agree with them? Yes, and we can do it by assuming the best and extending grace as we continue to try to understand where they’re coming from.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. You can find more from Sarah at SurvivingSarah.com.

MP 008: How does your marriage impact other people? Oct 04, 2017

It can be easy to think that our marriage is just about the two of us. We may not think our marriage matters to other people, but when you flip it around it shows the weight. For example, “Do other marriages matter to you?”. Of course they do!

The Tension: It’s easy to think that our marriage is just about the two of us

We’re not suggesting you show off your marriage on social media with more beach posts and bragging. In fact, we’re not big fans of that! But it does mean that it’s important to surround yourself with people who help lift up your marriage, and vice versa.

Having a support system is so important, because our marriages impact so many people – from our kids to the economy.

Marriage matters to kids and teenagers
- This is true even if you don’t have your own kids. The kids in your circles are still watching your marriage!
- “Kids pay close attention to their parents’ emotions for information about how safe they are in the family” (Mark Cummings, Notre Dame University psychologist). In other words, if mom and dad aren’t okay with each other, kids don’t feel safe.
- On the flip side of this, Cummings says that, “When kids witness a fight and see the parents resolving it, they’re actually happier than they were before they saw it”.
Marriage matters to your friends and family
- An April 2014 joint study from Brown University, Yale University and the University of California, San Diego, found that people are 75% more likely to be divorced if one of their friends or close family members are divorced. Sociologists call the phenomenon “social contagion”—the spread of information, attitudes and behaviors through friends, families and other social networks.
- But on the positive side, people with more supportive friends in their social network are less likely to divorce.

Truth: The Health of your marriage is contagious.

Your one simple thing for this week: With your spouse in earshot, say something positive about them.

Let your spouse hear you bragging on them to someone else! It’s really powerful for you and for them.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

Finally – we hope you’ll join us next week as we ask the question, “Can you support your spouse when you don’t agree with them?”

MP 007: What do you do with expectations in your marriage? Sep 27, 2017

We all bring expectations into our marriage—whether it be things you DO want from your spouse or things you DON’T want—often based on what your family traditions were.

Here are some of our examples:

Afton: My dad completely spoils my mom. He gets gas in her car, she decides where to go for dinner and makes a lot of those decisions. So that’s what I expected someone to do for me.
CJ: Teri’s family is much calmer about things like birthdays and celebrations. My family gets together and celebrates everything.
Ted: Nancie and I saw money differently. I had a sporadic relationship with money and Nancie was slower to make purchases.

The Tension: Misaligned expectations can lead to conflict

There are 5 types of expectations we bring into marriage:

Undefined expectations
Unrealistic expectations
Unspoken expectations
Unrealized expectations
Unaware expectations

Truth: Shifting from expectations to desires can lead to connection

Expectations are a demand
Desires are a request
Expectations come without gratitude
Desires come with gratitude

Shifting from expectations to desire means we are clear about our desires, communicate them and show gratitude when they’re met!

Your one simple thing for this week: Think of one great thing that your spouse does for you and simply thank them for it!

Afton: Hudson takes out the trash, which I appreciate because it’s such a gross job.
CJ: Teri keeps our social calendar. Without her I might not leave the house!
Ted: Nancie handles paying our bills – which I need to thank her for more, and work to understand where we are!

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. We hope you’ll join us next week!

MP 006: How does our mindset impact our marriage? Sep 20, 2017

Today’s question has the potential to impact both the day-to-day moments in your marriage, and the long-term trajectory of your marriage.

The Tension: We ask ourselves “Is this marriage working for me?”

Many of us bring this question into marriage, and we never change it. But this has huge ramifications on our marriage and can be very damaging.

We call this the Me Mindset, and when we’re asking this question it’s because the answer is “no”. And it can take us down some scary paths!

This is a dangerous question to be asking because the mindset can have a huge impact.

So is there a better question to be asking?

Truth: There’s a better question. Try asking, “What am I doing to make this work?”

Think about someone in your life who operates this way with you – someone who is constantly asking, “What can I do to help”? We’re so drawn to those people!

If you want to be that attractive to your spouse, you put them ahead of you. You strive to be the more selfless one in the relationship. And great things can happen!

CJ: An example is when I go to visit Teri’s family; it can be overwhelming to me as an introvert. Though I love them, I’m always tempted to get in the car on the way home and complain about my lack of alone time. Instead I could be focusing on how great a time Teri had.

Your one simple thing for this week: Ask yourself the question “What am I doing to make this marriage work when it comes to ________”

Whether it’s finances, the in-laws, chores around the house… what is the thing that you’re doing to make it work in that area? Just try it out and see what happens!

Sometimes it can feel like only big moves matter, but it’s really as simple as making an intentional decision to change your mindset about a situation.

Afton: For me, it’s going into family dinners with a better posture – not going into it with dread, thinking it’s going to be terrible but having a better mindset about it.

Ted: In our marriage, my wife is very introverted but she’s great on stage. When we first got married, we were performing in skits at youth and marriage events. When she would get offstage, she would become very introverted again. I used to spend time ‘encouraging’ her to be more extroverted after the event, instead of embracing her personality. Things improved when I started looking at that aspect of her personality through this lens.

CJ: Maybe you’re like me and you’re struggling to come up with what to put in this blank - and that’s ok! See this as a filter for the hard moments. Keep it in your back pocket for when you catch yourself asking “is this marriage working for me?”

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

Finally - join us next week when we ask the question “What’s the difference between expectations and desires?”

MP 005: Can your spouse really meet all of your relational needs? Sep 13, 2017

Whether we think about them or not, we all have relational needs. Today we’re looking at the top ten relational needs, as found in the research done by Dr. David and Teresa Ferguson. Have you ever felt these needs? Join us as we consider whether it’s reasonable to expect our spouse to meet them all.

Acceptance
Affection
Appreciation
Approval
Attention
Comfort
Encouragement
Respect
Security
Support

Wow, that’s a lot! And should you work to meet these needs for your spouse? Absolutely! But this is a lot of needs to have met from your spouse alone.

Tension: We have relational needs that aren’t getting met.

We used to live villages, where people were surrounded by family and close friends. The community helped fill the relational needs in each other, instead of relying solely on a spouse.

Truth: God wants to meet our needs through a village. If you have an empty cup that represents your relational needs, God wants to use your spouse to help fill it. But if you can find some of it from other places, it only helps your spouse.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t receive all these things from your spouse at different points in your relationship. It simply means that you aren’t relying on them alone to fill all these needs - there are other people pouring into your emotional needs in addition to your spouse.

God wants to meet our relational needs through Him and a village of people (which includes our spouse!).

Your one simple thing for this week: We’re actually giving you three options - just choose one!

Find one way to connect with God each day this week – whether it’s a prayer or quiet time or whatever it may be for you.
Meet a relational need of your spouse that you haven’t been meeting so well. Just choose one.
Find time to hang out with one person, other than your spouse, who encourages/supports you.

CJ: I’m going to go with the first one and take time each day to go for a run and connect with God.

Afton: I’m going to intentionally show Hudson appreciation for the things he does.

Ted: I’m going to show Nancie support by helping to pick up our kids from some of their back-to-school activities. Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast! We hope today’s episode helped you realize that marriage is a little easier than you may think, and that God gave us a village for our emotional needs. We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

Finally - join us next week when we ask the question “How does our mindset impact our marriage?”

MP 004: What’s one thing that can make every marriage better? Sep 06, 2017

If there was one thing that could make every marriage better, wouldn’t all married people want to know what it is? Well if you Google it, the top article has more like 28 things to do to make your marriage better. It can feel overwhelming - is there really one great place to get started? Join us as we discuss!

The Tension: There are so many things that can make your marriage better.

But where’s the best place to start?

Nancie, Ted’s wife, suggested that couples simply ‘be kind’. And come to find out, this simple idea is backed by research!

Shaunti Felhaun and her team studied this very thing. And on this episode, Ted had the chance to interview Shaunti about how kindness can impact a marriage.

Shaunti received her graduate degree from Harvard University and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher and best-selling author. Today, she applies that analytical experience to uncovering the little changes that have big impacts in our lives, marriages, families and workplace relationships. Her groundbreaking books, including For Women Only and For Men Only have sold more than 2 million copies in 23 languages. Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, is sparking an international movement called the 30-Day Kindness Challenge.

Truth: Kindness is one of the most powerful things in a marriage

Interview with Shaunti

It turns out that whether or not you’re thriving in your marriage is far more correlated to how you treat other people than how you yourself are treated.

What does it mean to be kind?

Kindness is three things – withholding unkindness, speaking kind words and doing kind things. We studied and spent several years with more than a thousand people in a study group to discover what you can do or not do to be kind. We ended up with what we call the 30 Day Kindness Challenge. You have to do 3 things for 30 days and it’s super simple – you have to pick one person that you want a better relationship with (and of course we would encourage your spouse) and:

Don’t say anything negative about that person (to them or about them to someone else).
Find one thing that you can sincerely praise or affirm (tell them and someone else).
Do a small action of kindness for that person

If you do these three things for 30 days, 89% of relationships improve!

Who needs the kindness challenge?

Have you, in the past year, said “Man, this culture has gotten so unkind?” or “People are so mean on social media”? It’s so easy for us to think “Those people out there – I can’t believe they said that on social media… It’s just awful”. It’s easy to think that about them, but I can’t change them. That tone that they used is the same tone I used with my husband yesterday. And the ‘random acts of kindness’ that we see do make the world a better place, but intentional kindness toward one person that opens your eyes makes you a better person.

Can you please talk to my friend and other people who are listening who think kindness is squishy?

Kindness, it turns out, is a superpower. It has unbelievable power in whatever it is we’re trying to improve in our life. When we give kindness, especially when it is not deserved, it causes miraculous things.

Your one simple thing this week: Take the kindness assessment

You may be surprised what you find!

Ted: I took the assessment and thought I knew where it was going but this thing nailed me to the wall!

Afton: This ties back to our first episode with micro-moves. The challenge is looking for something every day.

CJ: It’s like driving – you assume you’re a pretty good driver and don’t need someone to tell you how to fix you’re driving. But I’m going to take it and I think it is going to be pretty interesting!

You can too – go to jointhekindnesschallenge.com to take the assessment and join the challenge!

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast! We hope today’s episode helped you realize that marriage is a little easier than you may think! We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

Finally - join us next week when we ask the question “Can your spouse really meet all of your relational needs?”

MP 003: Is having fun in your marriage extra or essential? Aug 30, 2017

Busyness, kids, exhaustion… There’s a lot that gets in the way of having fun in marriage. Plus, marriage is serious business! Is having fun even that essential? Or is it just an ‘extra’? Join us as we dive into this question!

The Tension: We all want to have fun in our marriage, but there are a lot of ‘fun barriers’

Busyness
Seriousness
Children
Exhaustion
Uncertainty
Time suckers
Fun doesn’t seem important

But here’s the truth: The best way to protect your marriage is to enjoy it

No one is telling us to protect our marriage – we know we’re supposed to work at it, but not necessarily to enjoy it. But the truth is, enjoying your marriage is great for you, your spouse and your kids!

Your one simple thing this week: Do one fun thing for your spouse.

Having fun doesn’t have to be hard work or expensive! In fact, sometimes watching T.V. can be fun and interactive. Just figure out how you have fun with your spouse, and do that!

The great thing about being adults is that culture isn’t the boss of us, we’re the boss of us. We can carve out the time for the things we love.

Do something spontaneous
Schedule a date night

CJ: We’re very scheduled people, so I need to try to build in a little spontaneity for Teri. Maybe we’ll go out for ‘real’ ice cream (not frozen yogurt) after our next date.

Afton: While Hudson is on the road, I’m going to try to respond to 50% of his text messages with gifs

Ted: I have a scuba suit (for scuba diving) around the house that I put on when things need to lighten up. I think it needs to make an appearance this week.

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast! We hope today’s episode helped you realize that marriage is a little easier, and more fun, than you think! We hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

Finally - join us next week when we ask the question “What is one thing that can (almost) every marriage better?”

MP 002: Why do we have serious fights about silly things? Aug 23, 2017

Ever felt like you and your spouse fight about the most ridiculous, silly things? Well you’re not the only ones! Today we’ll tackle this question, but first we have a few other questions that may sound familiar:

Do you think appliances should go ON the counter or below the counter (take them down with each use)?
Whose job is it to clean out the shower drain?
How do you decide where you’re going to dinner on date night?

There are lots of silly fights – in fact, one of the top fights couples have is over household chores!

The Tension: Silly fights can cause serious damage.

All couples have silly fights, but they build up and can create real problems.

But here’s the truth: Our spouses don’t bring out the worst in us, they reveal the brokenness in us.

When your spouses’ reaction doesn’t match the situation, that’s where there’s some pain or damage. That’s where you can meet them and be their relationship hero.

But let’s turn it around – What are some situations that cause you to overreact?

CJ: When technology (i.e. the internet) doesn’t work
Afton: When I walk in the house at the end of the day and it’s messy
Ted: When I feel misunderstood by Nancie

So, what do you do the next time you feel your spouse is overreacting to a situation?

Your one simple thing this week: Change your reaction.

Make a micro-move in their direction and change your negative response to a positive one. It may not feel natural, but will have a big impact.

Some of our tips for changing your reaction:

If we could all treat our spouses as well as we do our co-workers, it would make a big impact. Use the same people skills you use with coworkers with your spouse!
Think about a younger version of them – it softens your heart toward your spouse and what they’ve gone through growing up.
Ask yourself, what is the most helpful reaction right now?

What are some ways we’re going to work on changing our reactions this week?

Afton: When I feel like my emotions are so heightened that they’re not helpful, I’m going to take a breath and look for ways to react in a reasonable way.
CJ: Ask for a do-over in the moment – literally out loud, pause the situation and ask for a do-over.
Ted: Lean in when Nancie is reacting and try to understand what she’s feeling. Ask her “Do you want me to fix this or feel it?”.

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast! We hope today’s episode helped you realize that marriage is a little easier than you think. And you can have less moments of awful and more moments of awesome! If you want more resources, check out our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

We also hope you’ll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

Finally – join us next week when we ask the question “Is having fun in your marriage extra or essential?”

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