Married People Podcast

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MP 011: Can I have a great marriage and a great career?" (With Carey Nieuwhof) Oct 25, 2017

Show notes

It comes as no surprise that Americans vacation too little, sleep too little and work too much. Not to mention that married people are working even more hours than single people are! Is it too much to ask for a great marriage AND a great career? Join us as we talk with Carey Nieuwhof about this topic!

Ted: I got the privilege of sitting down with Carey Nieuwhof. Carey is one of the most productive guys I know and he also has one of the best marriages I know. But as he shared with me, he and his wife Toni didn't always have a great marriage and he says that was because he was so focused on work. Here's a little about Carey:

Carey Nieuwhof is the lead and founding pastor of Connexus Community Church in Toronto. In addition to pastoring Connexus, blogging, and writing, Carey often speaks to leaders across North America about families and about leadership. Carey is co-author with Reggie Joiner of Parenting Beyond Your Capacity and Lasting Impact.

Interview with Carey:

Carey: One of the real temptations for ambitious/driven people is that you marry your work. I was definitely in that camp for a number of years, and I love what I do!

Toni and I hit a rough point and she felt that we might not make it. I wondered how we were going to make it. She suggested I go to a counselor, but I didn't feel I needed to go. I don't go to counselors, I send people to counselors!

I went in with a long list of things wrong with Toni, came out with a long list of things wrong with me. We each started to get better, and our marriage got better. If you're obedient, your emotions catch up to your obedience.

Some transferrable truths about marriage:

You're probably tempted to quit moments before your critical breakthrough
Whenever you say "you always" and "you never" – you are in bad territory
If your wife says you need counseling, you need counseling
If you go to counseling, find a good Christian counselor
Marriage is an investment – but divorce is expensive!

How do 9-5'ers manage their energy instead of just their time?

Sleep more!
Manage your 'no's and 'yes's really carefully
Eat better
Shut notifications off your phone/turn on 'do not disturb'
Busy seasons must have a beginning and an end
Set rules for your calendar (i.e. no meetings on Monday/Wednesday, etc.)
Never put your identity in something that can be taken from you. Your identity is in Christ

Your one simple thing for this week: Have a meal with your spouse every night this week.

CJ: For me, it's important to remember that these things are ideals and not perfect solutions. Personally, I can't guarantee that I won't have meetings on Mondays or Wednesdays. But I can shoot for that and I'll get closer by having it on my calendar.

And if we shoot for the one simple thing this week, it's 3.5 hours of quality time with your spouse!

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast! We hope today's episode helped you realize that marriage is a little easier than you may think. We hope you'll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. You can find more from Carey Nieuwhof at careynieuwhof.com.

Finally – we hope you'll join us next week when we talk to Dr. Jim Burns about the question "Can I really see my spouse in a more positive way?"

MP 010: How can I give my spouse grace? (with Kara Powell) Oct 18, 2017

Show notes

Show Notes

Have you ever seen the pictures online that say, "You had one job"? You know, like the person who created a 3rd place medal that reads "3st"? It can be hard to give grace in our daily life! It can be even more difficult in our marriages. Today we interview Kara Powell to talk about this topic.

Here's a little about Kara Powell:

Kara Powell, PhD, is the Executive Director of the Fuller Youth Institute and a faculty member at Fuller Theological Seminary. She was named by Christianity Today as one of "50 Women You Should Know", Kara is the author of a number of books including Sticky Faith, Essential Leadership, and her latest book, Growing Young.

The Tension: It's difficult to give each other grace because we see the good, the bad the ugly. Once we get married, the things we were fascinated by become annoying.

Kara: What separates Christianity from every other religion is grace. How can your family be a place where God's grace permeates? Where you're quick to ask for forgiveness and quick to forgive?

Truth: What if we tried to outdo each other in showing grace?

Kara: I would love if Christian marriages were famous for permeating God's grace.

So what are some steps to showing each other grace in marriage?

It starts with understanding each other's best times to talk about hard subjects. If one spouse is a morning person and the other a night owl, it's best to be aware of that and set yourselves up for success by waiting for the right timeframe.
Hard conversations lead to grace. Saying, "I was wrong, you were right and I'm sorry" can lead the conversation to a graceful place.
Sometimes the issue isn't worth damaging the marriage over and it's best to let it go. You don't want to repress resentment, but if it's something relatively small consider showing grace. Pick up the shoes they left, let go of the small things, etc.
Apologize first – nothing good comes from waiting. When you know you owe them an apology, don't wait. Even if you have to be the first one, it's childish to wait for them to apologize first!
It's not what we think we're communicating, it's with the other person is receiving. Their perception is more important than what we think we're saying. It's good to check in and see how your spouse perceives what you're saying.
Consider asking your spouse, "If you could change anything about me, what would that be?"

Your one simple thing for this week: When the time is right, have a conversation about how you handle conflict. Then ask - if we could change one thing about how we handle conflict, what would it be?

CJ: It really stuck out to me when Kara talked about having 'residue' when we don't apologize or offer grace.

Afton: When I think about grace in my marriage, it's letting Hudson be who he is – I can show him grace by not making little things a big deal. For me, it's letting it go when he leaves things around the house or drops a wine glass.

As Christians, we should have marriages that people want to have. And that starts with giving grace!

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

Finally – we hope you'll join us next week when we talk to Carey Nieuwhof about the question, "Can I have a great marriage AND a great career?"

MP 009: Can you support your spouse when you don't agree with them? Oct 11, 2017

Show notes

Today we have our friend Sarah Bragg joining us to discuss whether you can still support your spouse when you don't agree with them.

Let us tell you a little about Sarah!

Sarah Bragg has worked in ministry and alongside those serving in ministry for more than 15 years. Her book titled Body. Beauty. Boys. The Truth About Girls and How We See Ourselves helps young women find their value in the One who matters. She currently works as the Content Director for the Live A Better Story adult small group curriculum. She also has a Masters of Arts in Biblical Studies from Dallas Theological Seminary.

In 2015, she launched a successful podcast, Surviving Sarah, where she invites guests to join her around her kitchen table to talk about surviving life so that women will be inspired, informed, encouraged and entertained. You can find her online at SurvivingSarah.com Sarah and her husband, Scott, and their daughters, Sinclair and Rory, reside in Marietta, Georgia.

A few months ago, our own Ted was a guest on Sarah's podcast. Ted heard Sarah's stories about how her and her husband are both entrepreneurs and knew he wanted to have her on the MarriedPeople podcast. We're glad to have her as we talk about this tension.

The Tension: In marriage we are going to have times we don't agree with our spouse.

Sarah: Scott is a risk taker and I'm not. He does think through things, but he is more willing to take a big risk when he sees the potential.

I've had to learn the balance between when I go to him for more clarification or to share my opinion and when I step back.

Because ultimately I can't change his mind! The only one who can is God, and I take a step back and pray that if it's not what's best for our family God would shut it down.

Truth: Understanding your spouse leads to grace for your spouse.

When the relationship is what matters to you the most, it's worth the effort to get to know what drives their decisions.

There are times when you need to go seek outside counsel, but if you can focus on the bigger picture and learn to understand your spouse you'll be able to continue moving forward in your story!

Your one simple thing for this week: Do one thing to better understand your spouse.

This can be a small thing!

Turn off the tv and ask them questions
Take a personality test (we love the Enneagram!)
Listen to a podcast – maybe this one?

Can you support your spouse when you don't understand or agree with them? Yes, and we can do it by assuming the best and extending grace as we continue to try to understand where they're coming from.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. You can find more from Sarah at SurvivingSarah.com.

MP 008: How does your marriage impact other people? Oct 04, 2017

Show notes

It can be easy to think that our marriage is just about the two of us. We may not think our marriage matters to other people, but when you flip it around it shows the weight. For example, "Do other marriages matter to you?". Of course they do!

The Tension: It's easy to think that our marriage is just about the two of us

We're not suggesting you show off your marriage on social media with more beach posts and bragging. In fact, we're not big fans of that! But it does mean that it's important to surround yourself with people who help lift up your marriage, and vice versa.

Having a support system is so important, because our marriages impact so many people – from our kids to the economy.

Marriage matters to kids and teenagers
- This is true even if you don't have your own kids. The kids in your circles are still watching your marriage!
- "Kids pay close attention to their parents' emotions for information about how safe they are in the family" (Mark Cummings, Notre Dame University psychologist). In other words, if mom and dad aren't okay with each other, kids don't feel safe.
- On the flip side of this, Cummings says that, "When kids witness a fight and see the parents resolving it, they're actually happier than they were before they saw it".
Marriage matters to your friends and family
- An April 2014 joint study from Brown University, Yale University and the University of California, San Diego, found that people are 75% more likely to be divorced if one of their friends or close family members are divorced. Sociologists call the phenomenon "social contagion"—the spread of information, attitudes and behaviors through friends, families and other social networks.
- But on the positive side, people with more supportive friends in their social network are less likely to divorce.

Truth: The Health of your marriage is contagious.

Your one simple thing for this week: With your spouse in earshot, say something positive about them.

Let your spouse hear you bragging on them to someone else! It's really powerful for you and for them.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

Finally – we hope you'll join us next week as we ask the question, "Can you support your spouse when you don't agree with them?"

MP 007: What do you do with expectations in your marriage? Sep 27, 2017

Show notes

We all bring expectations into our marriage—whether it be things you DO want from your spouse or things you DON'T want—often based on what your family traditions were.

Here are some of our examples:

Afton: My dad completely spoils my mom. He gets gas in her car, she decides where to go for dinner and makes a lot of those decisions. So that's what I expected someone to do for me.
CJ: Teri's family is much calmer about things like birthdays and celebrations. My family gets together and celebrates everything.
Ted: Nancie and I saw money differently. I had a sporadic relationship with money and Nancie was slower to make purchases.

The Tension: Misaligned expectations can lead to conflict

There are 5 types of expectations we bring into marriage:

Undefined expectations
Unrealistic expectations
Unspoken expectations
Unrealized expectations
Unaware expectations

Truth: Shifting from expectations to desires can lead to connection

Expectations are a demand
Desires are a request
Expectations come without gratitude
Desires come with gratitude

Shifting from expectations to desire means we are clear about our desires, communicate them and show gratitude when they're met!

Your one simple thing for this week: Think of one great thing that your spouse does for you and simply thank them for it!

Afton: Hudson takes out the trash, which I appreciate because it's such a gross job.
CJ: Teri keeps our social calendar. Without her I might not leave the house!
Ted: Nancie handles paying our bills – which I need to thank her for more, and work to understand where we are!

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. We hope you'll join us next week!

MP 006: How does our mindset impact our marriage? Sep 20, 2017

Show notes

Today's question has the potential to impact both the day-to-day moments in your marriage, and the long-term trajectory of your marriage.

The Tension: We ask ourselves "Is this marriage working for me?"

Many of us bring this question into marriage, and we never change it. But this has huge ramifications on our marriage and can be very damaging.

We call this the Me Mindset, and when we're asking this question it's because the answer is "no". And it can take us down some scary paths!

This is a dangerous question to be asking because the mindset can have a huge impact.

So is there a better question to be asking?

Truth: There's a better question. Try asking, "What am I doing to make this work?"

Think about someone in your life who operates this way with you – someone who is constantly asking, "What can I do to help"? We're so drawn to those people!

If you want to be that attractive to your spouse, you put them ahead of you. You strive to be the more selfless one in the relationship. And great things can happen!

CJ: An example is when I go to visit Teri's family; it can be overwhelming to me as an introvert. Though I love them, I'm always tempted to get in the car on the way home and complain about my lack of alone time. Instead I could be focusing on how great a time Teri had.

Your one simple thing for this week: Ask yourself the question "What am I doing to make this marriage work when it comes to ________"

Whether it's finances, the in-laws, chores around the house… what is the thing that you're doing to make it work in that area? Just try it out and see what happens!

Sometimes it can feel like only big moves matter, but it's really as simple as making an intentional decision to change your mindset about a situation.

Afton: For me, it's going into family dinners with a better posture – not going into it with dread, thinking it's going to be terrible but having a better mindset about it.

Ted: In our marriage, my wife is very introverted but she's great on stage. When we first got married, we were performing in skits at youth and marriage events. When she would get offstage, she would become very introverted again. I used to spend time 'encouraging' her to be more extroverted after the event, instead of embracing her personality. Things improved when I started looking at that aspect of her personality through this lens.

CJ: Maybe you're like me and you're struggling to come up with what to put in this blank - and that's ok! See this as a filter for the hard moments. Keep it in your back pocket for when you catch yourself asking "is this marriage working for me?"

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

Finally - join us next week when we ask the question "What's the difference between expectations and desires?"

MP 005: Can your spouse really meet all of your relational needs? Sep 13, 2017

Show notes

Whether we think about them or not, we all have relational needs. Today we're looking at the top ten relational needs, as found in the research done by Dr. David and Teresa Ferguson. Have you ever felt these needs? Join us as we consider whether it's reasonable to expect our spouse to meet them all.

Acceptance
Affection
Appreciation
Approval
Attention
Comfort
Encouragement
Respect
Security
Support

Wow, that's a lot! And should you work to meet these needs for your spouse? Absolutely! But this is a lot of needs to have met from your spouse alone.

Tension: We have relational needs that aren't getting met.

We used to live villages, where people were surrounded by family and close friends. The community helped fill the relational needs in each other, instead of relying solely on a spouse.

Truth: God wants to meet our needs through a village. If you have an empty cup that represents your relational needs, God wants to use your spouse to help fill it. But if you can find some of it from other places, it only helps your spouse.

This doesn't mean that you don't receive all these things from your spouse at different points in your relationship. It simply means that you aren't relying on them alone to fill all these needs - there are other people pouring into your emotional needs in addition to your spouse.

God wants to meet our relational needs through Him and a village of people (which includes our spouse!).

Your one simple thing for this week: We're actually giving you three options - just choose one!

Find one way to connect with God each day this week – whether it's a prayer or quiet time or whatever it may be for you.
Meet a relational need of your spouse that you haven't been meeting so well. Just choose one.
Find time to hang out with one person, other than your spouse, who encourages/supports you.

CJ: I'm going to go with the first one and take time each day to go for a run and connect with God.

Afton: I'm going to intentionally show Hudson appreciation for the things he does.

Ted: I'm going to show Nancie support by helping to pick up our kids from some of their back-to-school activities. Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast! We hope today's episode helped you realize that marriage is a little easier than you may think, and that God gave us a village for our emotional needs. We hope you'll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

Finally - join us next week when we ask the question "How does our mindset impact our marriage?"

MP 004: What's one thing that can make every marriage better? Sep 06, 2017

Show notes

If there was one thing that could make every marriage better, wouldn't all married people want to know what it is? Well if you Google it, the top article has more like 28 things to do to make your marriage better. It can feel overwhelming - is there really one great place to get started? Join us as we discuss!

The Tension: There are so many things that can make your marriage better.

But where's the best place to start?

Nancie, Ted's wife, suggested that couples simply 'be kind'. And come to find out, this simple idea is backed by research!

Shaunti Felhaun and her team studied this very thing. And on this episode, Ted had the chance to interview Shaunti about how kindness can impact a marriage.

Shaunti received her graduate degree from Harvard University and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher and best-selling author. Today, she applies that analytical experience to uncovering the little changes that have big impacts in our lives, marriages, families and workplace relationships. Her groundbreaking books, including For Women Only and For Men Only have sold more than 2 million copies in 23 languages. Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, is sparking an international movement called the 30-Day Kindness Challenge.

Truth: Kindness is one of the most powerful things in a marriage

Interview with Shaunti

It turns out that whether or not you're thriving in your marriage is far more correlated to how you treat other people than how you yourself are treated.

What does it mean to be kind?

Kindness is three things – withholding unkindness, speaking kind words and doing kind things. We studied and spent several years with more than a thousand people in a study group to discover what you can do or not do to be kind. We ended up with what we call the 30 Day Kindness Challenge. You have to do 3 things for 30 days and it's super simple – you have to pick one person that you want a better relationship with (and of course we would encourage your spouse) and:

Don't say anything negative about that person (to them or about them to someone else).
Find one thing that you can sincerely praise or affirm (tell them and someone else).
Do a small action of kindness for that person

If you do these three things for 30 days, 89% of relationships improve!

Who needs the kindness challenge?

Have you, in the past year, said "Man, this culture has gotten so unkind?" or "People are so mean on social media"? It's so easy for us to think "Those people out there – I can't believe they said that on social media… It's just awful". It's easy to think that about them, but I can't change them. That tone that they used is the same tone I used with my husband yesterday. And the 'random acts of kindness' that we see do make the world a better place, but intentional kindness toward one person that opens your eyes makes you a better person.

Can you please talk to my friend and other people who are listening who think kindness is squishy?

Kindness, it turns out, is a superpower. It has unbelievable power in whatever it is we're trying to improve in our life. When we give kindness, especially when it is not deserved, it causes miraculous things.

Your one simple thing this week: Take the kindness assessment

You may be surprised what you find!

Ted: I took the assessment and thought I knew where it was going but this thing nailed me to the wall!

Afton: This ties back to our first episode with micro-moves. The challenge is looking for something every day.

CJ: It's like driving – you assume you're a pretty good driver and don't need someone to tell you how to fix you're driving. But I'm going to take it and I think it is going to be pretty interesting!

You can too – go to jointhekindnesschallenge.com to take the assessment and join the challenge!

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast! We hope today's episode helped you realize that marriage is a little easier than you may think! We hope you'll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

Finally - join us next week when we ask the question "Can your spouse really meet all of your relational needs?"

MP 003: Is having fun in your marriage extra or essential? Aug 30, 2017

Show notes

Busyness, kids, exhaustion… There's a lot that gets in the way of having fun in marriage. Plus, marriage is serious business! Is having fun even that essential? Or is it just an 'extra'? Join us as we dive into this question!

The Tension: We all want to have fun in our marriage, but there are a lot of 'fun barriers'

Busyness
Seriousness
Children
Exhaustion
Uncertainty
Time suckers
Fun doesn't seem important

But here's the truth: The best way to protect your marriage is to enjoy it

No one is telling us to protect our marriage – we know we're supposed to work at it, but not necessarily to enjoy it. But the truth is, enjoying your marriage is great for you, your spouse and your kids!

Your one simple thing this week: Do one fun thing for your spouse.

Having fun doesn't have to be hard work or expensive! In fact, sometimes watching T.V. can be fun and interactive. Just figure out how you have fun with your spouse, and do that!

The great thing about being adults is that culture isn't the boss of us, we're the boss of us. We can carve out the time for the things we love.

Do something spontaneous
Schedule a date night

CJ: We're very scheduled people, so I need to try to build in a little spontaneity for Teri. Maybe we'll go out for 'real' ice cream (not frozen yogurt) after our next date.

Afton: While Hudson is on the road, I'm going to try to respond to 50% of his text messages with gifs

Ted: I have a scuba suit (for scuba diving) around the house that I put on when things need to lighten up. I think it needs to make an appearance this week.

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast! We hope today's episode helped you realize that marriage is a little easier, and more fun, than you think! We hope you'll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

Finally - join us next week when we ask the question "What is one thing that can (almost) every marriage better?"

MP 002: Why do we have serious fights about silly things? Aug 23, 2017

Show notes

Ever felt like you and your spouse fight about the most ridiculous, silly things? Well you're not the only ones! Today we'll tackle this question, but first we have a few other questions that may sound familiar:

Do you think appliances should go ON the counter or below the counter (take them down with each use)?
Whose job is it to clean out the shower drain?
How do you decide where you're going to dinner on date night?

There are lots of silly fights – in fact, one of the top fights couples have is over household chores!

The Tension: Silly fights can cause serious damage.

All couples have silly fights, but they build up and can create real problems.

But here's the truth: Our spouses don't bring out the worst in us, they reveal the brokenness in us.

When your spouses' reaction doesn't match the situation, that's where there's some pain or damage. That's where you can meet them and be their relationship hero.

But let's turn it around – What are some situations that cause you to overreact?

CJ: When technology (i.e. the internet) doesn't work
Afton: When I walk in the house at the end of the day and it's messy
Ted: When I feel misunderstood by Nancie

So, what do you do the next time you feel your spouse is overreacting to a situation?

Your one simple thing this week: Change your reaction.

Make a micro-move in their direction and change your negative response to a positive one. It may not feel natural, but will have a big impact.

Some of our tips for changing your reaction:

If we could all treat our spouses as well as we do our co-workers, it would make a big impact. Use the same people skills you use with coworkers with your spouse!
Think about a younger version of them – it softens your heart toward your spouse and what they've gone through growing up.
Ask yourself, what is the most helpful reaction right now?

What are some ways we're going to work on changing our reactions this week?

Afton: When I feel like my emotions are so heightened that they're not helpful, I'm going to take a breath and look for ways to react in a reasonable way.
CJ: Ask for a do-over in the moment – literally out loud, pause the situation and ask for a do-over.
Ted: Lean in when Nancie is reacting and try to understand what she's feeling. Ask her "Do you want me to fix this or feel it?".

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast! We hope today's episode helped you realize that marriage is a little easier than you think. And you can have less moments of awful and more moments of awesome! If you want more resources, check out our blog at MarriedPeople.org.

We also hope you'll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

Finally – join us next week when we ask the question "Is having fun in your marriage extra or essential?"

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