Married People Podcast

Latest Episodes:

MP 021: How do I make Valentine's Day different this year? Jan 24, 2018

Show notes

Want to do something different for Valentines Day this year? Here are some great ones that we saw advertised:

You can pay to have a cockroach at the Bronx Zoo named after your spouse. The website states, "Flowers wilt. Candlelight fades. Roaches are forever."
You can prearrange funeral arrangements for you and your spouse.
If you're a DIY person, you can make your spouse a bouquet of bacon roses.

Valentine's Day is a big deal in our culture. Should we get excited about it? The good news about the day is that it serves as a pause to stop and do something for your spouse. The tough part is that many of us don't know what would speak well to our spouse.

The Tension: Valentine's Day can sometimes cause more disconnection than connection.

If your spouse makes a move your direction for Valentine's Day, even if it's 'typical', it's a good idea to accept it and see it as them making a move toward you. You can talk about the specifics later.
Embrace the unique, specific, "I know you" Valentine's Day traditions. And sometimes that does mean flowers, depending on your spouse!

Afton: Hudson made me hand-made, watercolor Valentine's our first year dating… and they were Harry Potter themed. I loved it so much I wanted to frame them.

Put a little note in your calendar that says, "think about Valentine's Day" a few weeks before. Then start watching and listening for ideas.

Truth: To love your spouse intimately you must know them specifically.

We have some ideas for you based on things Ted has done over the years.

Fiverr.com – For $5, you can get people to create all kinds of fun stuff. I had a guy from the jungle swing in on a vine and read a love note I wrote to my wife, Nancie. One year, I sent someone a picture of our dog and they animated him saying, "Happy Valentine's Day Nancie!" She LOVED both.
Poster – a few years ago I went to local print shop and had our wedding announcement from the newspaper blown up to poster size for $7. I framed it with a cheap frame from Walmart. Nancie LOVED it. You can do similar things pretty inexpensively online or in store through Walmart Photo
Wall art- Okay so this one took me some time, but Nancie REALLY LOVED it. Here goes:
1. Take a piece of 1.5ft by 1.5ft plywood and paint it (most home improvement stores have a pieces already cut or will cut it for you)
2. Cut two holes at the top
3. Paint it the color of your choice
4. Stencil or free-hand the message of your choice
5. Once the paint is dry, thread your rope through the holes, tie the ends in knots and it's ready to hang

For some of you, this is all your wife will want. For others of you, you may need to do something additional like dinner, or a cruise for two to Tahiti. But make no mistake about it, something unique that took you just a little time will mean a lot!

Your one simple thing for this week: create something unique that takes just a little bit of time.

The point isn't to copy ideas, it's to do something that takes time and is specific to your spouse. Also, be a good gift receiver. Give them the benefit of the doubt when they try something!

Thanks for joining us for the Married People Podcast! We hope today's episode helped you realize that marriage is a little easier than you may think. We hope you'll subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a review – they help us make the podcast better.

MP 020: How do I help my spouse deal with pain from a previous relationship? (With Sam & Toni Collier) Jan 17, 2018

Show notes

Today's episode is a little bit different – we're going to listen to the redemptive story of Sam and Toni Collier's marriage, and we think you're really going to enjoy it.

Interview with Sam and Toni

Sam and Toni have been married for a little over a year and they're a blended family. Toni's three-year-old daughter, Dylan, is a ball full of energy in their home!

Sam: I was adopted at two months old with my twin sister. We were adopted out of a poverty stricken situation by a lovely couple. My dad was married twice before he met my mom and my mom was coming out of an abusive marriage. They become believers and got married, after which they find out that they can't have kids. They come to meet my sister and I and were told they shouldn't adopt us because we wouldn't amount to much (due to where we came from). They taught us that if we didn't believe in ourselves, it was viewed as wrong. They didn't fight in front of us, and every morning at 5am they were up praying.

Toni: My story isn't as polished as Sam's. But we do have a central thread – my mom was abused in her previous marriage. My parents met and my dad rescued her from her situation. My dad has had two marriages as well, and they came together and get saved. However, my mom didn't heal from her first marriage. My dad had a tough childhood as well, and you bring these two broken people together and brokenness leaks out onto your kids. I was verbally abused myself, and in the 3rd grade my mom had a stroke and it completely knocked her out. I watched her bounce back from a lot of health issues, but I was parenting my mom and myself. I graduated at 16 and left the house. But in the midst of all that brokenness, I still take away their willingness to give and my dad's willingness to provide.

Sam: We met in ministry, and as soon as we got married we jumped into counseling. Toni had been through so much in her last marriage with the verbal abuse, some physical abuse, lack of providing… and our counselor has helped us through that.

Ted: My view of divorce over 16 years has evolved – I think I had a really legalistic view of it. I can say that for most people, divorce is not the answer. But for some people, it is. We make promises that people's spouses can't keep. I can make promises about your relationship with Jesus – because he is the same every day. But people that do what I do can tend to say, "If you do X, your spouse will do Y" and that's not always the case. What would you say to a spouse who is damaged and hurt?

Toni: I don't want to advise anyone to make a decision – anyone in a hard situation really has to make the decision for themselves. But in my own personal story, I've known that God has a plan for me. And there was a moment in my first marriage where I didn't have that hope anymore and it wasn't my fault. That's when I knew I had to go.

Ted: Now, we shout from the rooftops that we love counselors. But I never want to forget that guy or that lady who thinks there's something wrong about going. But once you do it, you shout it from the rooftops. What made you guys so comfortable with it?

Sam: Well we have to say Reggie (head of Think Orange). But some tangible reasons – she didn't mention much about the abuse she went through, but when you go through stuff like that you need someone. I think it's great to have somebody who is unbiased pouring love on you all. And third, I hate not being good at something. And at the end of the day, I'm going to be measured on what I was given - my family. Why wouldn't I go?

Toni: For those of you experiencing that friction of not having time for it – we make time for the things we care about. I want to be a better me emotionally. One thing to watch out for with counseling is fear – fear of exposing myself to a stranger, fear of being judged. But vulnerability and bravery and being courageous unlock so many other emotions. I am a much better me, wife, friend and mother because I know what's going on with me and I know where it came from.

Ted: You guys are modeling something great, and I just want to say thank you so much.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. You can also check out Sam's podcast A Greater Story, and find more from Toni on her website.

Finally, we hope you'll join us for next week's episode!

MP 019: Why do I have a problem with the word 'submit' in my marriage? Jan 10, 2018

Show notes

The word 'submit' can feel parental – especially in the context of a wife submitting to her husband (though submitting can be a tough idea for everyone!). But regardless of your theological beliefs around this, Ephesians 5:25 encourages us to submit one another.

Afton: This word was a tough one for me before I got married, but after marriage something surprising happened for me – I saw the ways it mattered for us both to submit to each other. And when I say 'submit,' I mean that I see Hudson put me first every day and I want to put him first too.

CJ: This brings up a great question - when we say 'submit' what does that even mean?

Ted: As believers, we are called to this crazy idea of putting our spouse ahead of ourselves. And we do this because of what Christ did for us. Marriages that work are ones where the couples are 'racing to the back of the line' – putting the other first.

The Tension: We don't want to submit.

As human beings, it's not our natural inclination to put ourselves last. But this is a great example of us choosing to die to ourselves in our marriage and put the other first – even when we may not want to.

Truth: God calls us to submit to our spouse.

So what's at stake here? From a big picture, our level of intimacy with God is at stake. This is our visible way of thanking an invisible God for what He has done.

On a more personal level, what's at stake is the quality of our relationship.

Afton: So what does this look like practically in a relationship? The things that are popping into my head are when I let him pick the flavor of ice cream – but is that the level of things we're talking about? What does it actually look like?

Ted: It is the little moments – as an introvert, it's going with your extroverted spouse to a party because you know what it means to them. But it's also doing it with the attitude of wanting to make their life better.

Your one simple thing for this week: Declare one day this week as a 'race to the back of the line day' and work hard to win the race.

Ask God to show you ways to do this, and watch what it means to your spouse. Especially when you do it out of reverence for Christ, and not to get a positive reaction out of them.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. Finally, we hope you'll join us for next week's episode!

MP 018: Why are my words such a big deal to my spouse? Jan 03, 2018

Show notes

Intuitively, we know our words are a big deal. But we usually only remember that they're a big deal when something happens that shows us we've forgotten. We've all had this happen, even recently! Join us as we discuss why words are such a big deal in marriage.

The Tension: In marriage, we can find ourselves saying the things we shouldn't say and not saying the things we should say.

There's something hardwired into our DNA that makes words really matter to us. But for some reason, we tend to forget the weight of our words.

We often give ourselves a break on our words because we genuinely didn't mean to hurt the other person. But should we be giving ourselves a break?

Proverbs 12:18 says, "Careless words stab like a sword, but wise words lead to healing."

We remember hurtful words with such clarity – we often remember the entire situation surrounding the words very vividly.

But words can hurt our spouse or they can also be used to help heal them.

Truth: Words can hurt or words can heal.

When we say the right things, it's not a big event the way hurtful words can be. But they are part of a process can be really healing to your spouse.

This doesn't have to be complicated! If we take the time to slow down and actually say the positive things we think about our spouse it can make a huge difference.

Your one simple thing for this week: This week – on the day you are with your spouse the most – keep a tally of the wise things and careless things you said to your spouse.

Taking the time to keep the tally can help you be more aware of what you're saying to your spouse. There are so many times you may not know that you've been more careless than you realized!

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. Finally, we hope you'll join us for next week's episode!

MP 017: How do I stay connected with my spouse despite the craziness of life? (with Frank & Jessica Bealer) Dec 06, 2017

Show notes

No one ever says, "I've got too much time on my hands!" We all have super busy schedules – and our family/marriage ends up at the center of the busyness. So now what? We talk with Frank and Jessica about how they balance their busy schedules.

Frank is the Executive Director of Leadership Development at Orange. Earlier this year he released his first book, "The Myth of Balance." Jessica has been leading children's ministry for 17 years and authored her latest book "Don't Quit". Frank and Jessica have four children.

Interview with Frank and Jessica

The Tension: Life, career and family can be all consuming leaving little time for couples to connect.

We've worked hard to find a time in our schedule that's a 'pocket of intimacy'.

We take a walk at night after dinner. It's our time to connect about the day, and it gives us both a time when we know we can talk about the things on our mind.
This has to be a time of day that works for both of you. Dinnertime just doesn't work for us right now due to kids' sports schedules, but we know at the end of the day we can connect on our walk.
When you are connecting, it is important for each spouse to be clear about whether they want the other person to 'fix it or feel it'. Often, men want to jump in and fix problems, but women tend to want them to just listen and feel it. Ask specifically for what you're wanting!
I (Jessica) have learned to ask specifically for Frank to give me a couple of ideas about the problem I'm facing. This helps me get his insight without him having to fix it for me.

Your one simple thing for this week: Find a pocket of time to connect as a couple each day.

This should be something you both enjoy! And once you find something that works, commit to it and put it on your calendar.

Afton: I'm going to commit to spending 15 minutes doing something fun. If I can play Mario Cart with Hudson, we'll get to talking.

CJ: I've decided to spend my first 30 minutes at home each day putting my cell phone down and spending the time with Teri. Sometimes it's making dinner or hanging out, but just connecting.

Ted: We spend time connecting while we're getting ready in the morning. We also like to connect over the show This is Us.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. You can find Jessica's book, Don't Quit, here, and don't forget to check out her blog. Frank's book, The Myth of Balance, is here.

This is the last episode of 2017 for us! We'll be back in 2018. Enjoy your Christmas!

MP 016: Is really knowing my spouse important? (with Stuart Hall) Nov 29, 2017

Show notes

Today we're talking with Stuart Hall about this question. But before we do, Ted has a little surprise for Afton and CJ - Ted reached out to their spouses and asked them some questions. Tune in to hear how they answered, and who won the prize for knowing their spouse the best (the prize being a gift card to Chili's, of course)!

Interview with Stuart Hall

Stuart Hall provides leadership and vision for XP3 – the student division of Orange. He is the author of 3 books, and travels and speaks to thousands of students, leaders, coaches and parents each year.

Stuart: Intimacy is to know and be known without any fear of rejection. This is intimacy in all forms – sexual, but also emotional, spiritual, etc. Our relationship went to a different level when we really started being honest and pulling back our layers with each other.

The Tension: Letting our spouses know us can be uncomfortable. Allowing our spouse to be honest with us about us is not easy to hear.

Stuart: The more honest you can be with each other, the more intimate you can be.

Ted: Do you have an example of how this has gone?

Stuart: I inherited facial expressions and tone that are so disrespectful. It probably didn't have as much weight when we didn't have children, but watching our son (who many times thinks he's right, and more times than not is right) and his face/body language – one time, Kelly confronted me about something he did, and said that he got it from me. And she was right, as painful as it was to hear.

Perspective is the cruelest form of reality – it doesn't matter how you meant it, it's how it was received!

Truth: Intimacy is defined as to know and be known without fear of rejection.

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

I Corinthians 15:12

So where do we start with this path to deeper honesty/intimacy?

Your one simple thing for this week: Finish this sentence: "I really like it when you ______." And then tell your spouse.

Afton: Every morning, Hudson brings me coffee wherever I am. It's a micro-move, a throwback to episode 1!

CJ: I like it when Teri sends me silly snap chats. It's about the small things!

Ted: I really like it when Nancie laughs at my jokes.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. Afton has a product called the Lead Small Ice Breaker Box. You can follow Stuart on Twitter to hear more from him!

Finally – we hope you'll join us for next week's episode, "How do I stay connected with my spouse despite the craziness of life?"

MP 015: How do I have an intentional marriage amidst a busy career? (With Jeff Henderson) Nov 22, 2017

Show notes

Jeff Henderson is the lead pastor Gwinett church. Prior to Gwinett Church, Jeff served as the lead pastor of Bucket Church, North Point's first multi-site location. He spent 21 years in marketing, mostly at Chick Fil A. He and his wife Wendy have 2 children, and they live in the Atlanta area.

Jeff Henderson Interview

Ted: If someone listening is a busy leader who has a lot going on, why does that bring so much challenge to a marriage?

Jeff: For us it has been a lot about scheduling, as simple as it sounds. There have been many times that I forget to tell Wendy about a trip I'm going on. We have had to learn to get ahead of this – We have each other's calendar, so Wendy can look on mine anytime.

Managing the busyness together - that's the key.

I would suggest reading Choose to Cheat by Andy Stanley – Andy unpacks the principles he used to approach work in a smart way, without sacrificing his family,

Ted: But what about the people whose boss doesn't appreciate when they put their family first?

Jeff:

Lead up as well as you possibly can – have those conversations with your boss and then ask them to trust the results.
When you produce the results, often leaders will acknowledge that.
If you have a boss who is unwilling to talk about it, it may be time to ask the Lord if He still wants you there
Know that there are seasons of crazy, but it shouldn't last forever. During the seasons of busy, make the decisions about how you're going to spend your time mutually with your spouse.

Ted: I know this is a marriage podcast, but tell us a little about what you're doing at championtribes.com. I know that means a lot to Wendy and is important for marriages too.

Jeff: Campion Tribes is a group experience that gives dads tools to raise their sons. Many sons are living FOR their father's affirmation, instead of living FROM their father's affirmation. We're giving dads a plan to help them navigate their son's 11-14 year old window. We also have a version coming soon for mothers with daughters.

And when you're parenting your kids well, that has a huge positive impact on your marriage as well!

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. You can find more about what Jeff is doing with Champion Tribes at championtribes.com.

Finally – we hope you'll join us for next week's episode!

MP 014: How do I have a great when my parents didn't? (With Casey & Meygan Caston) Nov 15, 2017

Show notes

Casey and Meygan Caston are the founders of Marriage 365. They've faced a lot in their marriage and they join us today to talk about this topic – "How do I have a great marriage when my parents didn't?"

Casey and Meygan Caston Interview

Casey and Meygan can speak to marriage struggles – Between their sets of parents, there are 12 marriages. By year 3 they were heading straight for a divorce. As they found their way out of their struggles, they formed their non-profit to help other couples find the tools they needed.

So, what made you guys hang in there?

Meygan: I hated who I had become. I was a friendly, kind, compassionate individual before I got married and I was a bitter, angry, resentful woman after. I decided that I couldn't wait around for Casey to change, so I got myself help – I started seeing a therapist, meeting with woman who had been married 20 years and reading books. I realized I couldn't wait for Casey, I was responsible for my own happiness. You can't change your husband, but you can have a very positive impact on him by changing first.

Casey: It takes two to keep a negative cycle going, but sometimes one can stop it. You have to start at a place of hope.

We started:

Dating again
Having fun
Having heart to heart conversations – not just "What do you want for dinner" type conversations, but deep conversations.
Being on each other's team instead of playing the blame game
Praying together and spent a lot of time together
Being real and vulnerable with each other

It's not easy, but it's not complicated!

Your one simple thing for this week: Try out 'The 60 Second Blessing' and spend 60 seconds affirming your spouse's qualities (their features, accomplishments, etc).

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. You can find more from Casey and Meygan at marriage365.org.

Finally – we hope you'll join us for next week's episode!

MP 013: Why do I keep making the same mistakes in my marriage? (With Carlos Whittaker) Nov 08, 2017

Show notes

Ever find yourself saying, "If I could fix this or overcome that, my marriage would be better"? And yet, we keep coming back to the same mistakes! Join us as we talk with Carlos Whitaker about how to overcome some of these reoccurring things that impact marriages.

Carlos Whitaker is a people's choice award winner, a former recording artist signed to a major label, a social media maven, and currently spends the majority of his time writing books and speaking on stages around the world. He recently released his book Kill the Spider, which you can find at KillTheSpider.com.

Carlos Whitaker Interview Kill the Spider is based off a story that my father told me – it was about when he was preaching his first revival in Panama. The first night of the revival, during the invitation, an older lady came forward and asked him to pray that the Lord would clean the cobwebs from her life. She came back the next night asking for the same thing. The third night she came back and my dad told her "tonight, we pray that He kills the spider that's producing those cobwebs."

The book is my journey past my cobwebs to my spider(s) and then my journey to kill my spider. And I'm seeing this book bring so much freedom to people who are chasing their tail and medicating their behaviors. It's about finding the lies behind the behavior and getting rid of them. Here's the outline to that process:

Identify your spider – This can be three quarters of the work!
Locate your spider – where was it given birth?
Corner the spider – with the Word of God and prayer
Kill the spider – take a dagger to the heart of it by confessing, rejecting, and renouncing the lie and then replacing with God's truth.

The spiders don't have to be huge! They could be small things that sneak up in daily life.

Your one simple thing for this week: Go to killthespider.com and buy the book.

Let's talk about our spiders.

CJ: My reoccurring issue is when I stay too late at work and am late getting home to Teri. The payoff to staying late is that you get ahead, get more done – which makes me feel like I'm proving myself. The cobweb is that I'm not giving Teri my best hours. The spider is that I put value on the public approval of performing at work.

Afton: My takeaway from this is that I want to go home and ask Hudson what he thinks my spiders are.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. You can find more from Carlos at KillTheSpider.com and on his podcast Enter Wild.

MP 012: How can I be more positive about my spouse? (with Dr. Jim Burns) Nov 01, 2017

Show notes

It's easy to get into a negative cycle of thoughts about your spouse. Today we talk with Dr. Jim Burns, one of the most positive people we know, about this very topic!

Jim Burns is the President and Executive Director of the HomeWord Center for Youth and Family at Azusa Pacific University. He writes and speaks on the values of HomeWord, which include Strong Marriages, Confident Parents, Empowered Kids, and Healthy Leaders. Some of his most popular books include: Confident Parenting, Creating an Intimate Marriage. Most recently, Jim also co-authored a book with Doug Fields called The First Few Years of Marriage: 8 Ways to Strengthen Your "I Do."

Interview with Jim Burns

Today we're talking about Positive Adaptability. To talk about what it is, let's start with the opposite – Offilize - A new word that means taking everything to the worst. "My spouse is probably having an affair, we're never going to have a great marriage, etc".

You can discipline yourself to be more positive! Negativity brings a marriage down, but a healthy marriage is a mindset. Here are some thoughts on how create a healthy mindset:

Be willing to consider if you have a low maintenance versus high maintenance marriage -
- A low maintenance marriage – you don't have to work as hard at, maybe you came from highly functional backgrounds, one of the spouses really helps it be low maintenance because they're so healthy.
- A high maintenance marriage – takes more work, there's more baggage brought in.
For every 1 negative thought or communication, you need 5 positive ones
Start with a self-assessment – where are we on this spectrum?
Ask yourself – "Does it really matter?" and don't say everything you think!
Practice "Thank Therapy" – focus on things you're thankful for about the other person.

Your one simple thing for this week: Write down a few words about why you are thankful for your spouse. And share those words with your spouse.

Ted: For you, if sharing these words with your spouse is via text, that's totally fine! What is one of the things about your spouse that you are thankful for?

CJ: Teri is so selfless, which is cheesy to say. But just this morning, I had forgotten to tell her we ran out of coffee. But she had already seen and re-filled it!

Afton: Hudson is so selfless too. He pretty much handles everything all the time.

If you want more resources, check out Your Best Us and our blog at MarriedPeople.org. You can find more from Dr. Jim Burns at https://homeword.com.

Finally – we hope you'll join us next week when we talk to Carlos Whitaker about the question, "How can I get rid of the things holding me back in my marriage?"

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