Love Over Addiction

Latest Episodes:

Don't Make These 3 Mistakes When You're Angry Oct 16, 2016

Show notes

It's normal to feel angry when your partner lies to you about how much he or she had to drink or if they've taken drugs.

It's normal to feel angry after your loved one promised you they'll stop and then you find out they've started his or her bad habits again.

It's normal to feel angry even after your partner is sober at all the pain and distrust you're still trying to work though.

It's okay to feel anger.

Instead of beating yourself up about it or - even worse - letting your anger eat away at you, here are three helpful tips on how to deal with your anger.

1. Don't yell or try to have a discussion when you're angry.

Put yourself in time out.

I know one mom who used to hide herself under a blanket. She had little kids, so she couldn't leave the room, but she would just go into her own little world under a blanket and take deep breaths. She would read her Bible or listen to music or pray.

Whatever it takes, do it. I used to walk away and lock myself in the bathroom. If I could, I would draw a warm bubble bath, put on some good music, and think about all the wonderful things I'm grateful for. I refused to let this disease bring me down.

2. Don't own your partner's hurtful words.

Let him or her have the last word and "think" that they've won. If he or she starts giving you excuses or blaming you and you can't walk away, just keep your mouth shut.

You can't argue with them when he or she is the only one doing the talking.

Think of something else while your loved one is unloading. Don't take ownership of any of it.

Even if there is some truth to what they're saying, in order for you to listen, your partner needs to be kind and respectful in their words and tone. Anything less should be ignored. Repeat in your head, "I'm giving this back to you. I'm not owning this."

3. Don't work yourself up even more.

Take 15 minutes and make a music playlist for when you feel angry.

It should be filled with your favorite soothing music.

Spend $10 on yourself and purchase a few new songs. (If you have a hard time spending money on yourself maybe this will help: $10 is the cost of three beers.)

The goal of this playlist is to bring you back down to your vulnerable place. Because behind all anger is sadness.

You're sad, my sweet friend. You're hurting. Be compassionate with your loving heart and let yourself be sad.

When you create a safe space to feel your sadness, your heart will soften and your tenderness will come back. You will know that God has not left you. He's right there with you.

Did you find this helpful? If so, check out the Love Over Addiction program. You will find help, answers, and hope just for women who love a good man that drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse. I hope you'll join me.

What To Do If You're Feeling Guilty Oct 09, 2016

Show notes

When I was married to an alcoholic and substance abuser, he would try to blame his addiction on me.

He would call me a nag or controlling or no fun. As if I stopped nagging he would stop drinking.

Or he would try to get me to believe if I stopped monitoring how much he drank he would stop drinking so much.

Or how about if I had a little more fun (i.e. party with him) he wouldn't need to party so much.

You're not buying this, are you?

All these attempts are ways this disease tries to make us feel guilty.

This is called unnecessary guilt. The condemning kind of guilt that doesn't come from God.

If you can relate to anything I just shared, let me help put this ridiculous guilt trip and attempt to manipulate it back into perspective.

You could be a mannequin. Literally a mannequin - like the ones they have in department stores - and your partner would be drinking or using drugs.

Picture it for just a second. You could be one of those mannequins in the store with a wig and a perfect body and be standing in the kitchen looking all fake and thin in that awkward position that mannequins always stand in.

You wouldn't be able to talk (so you couldn't nag him or her) and you wouldn't be able to walk (so you couldn't monitor how much your partner is drinking by looking for his or her stash or marking the bottles) and let's just say you had a big smile on your face and were all dressed up looking like you're ready to party.

I know that seems like a ridiculous example, but I want to teach you just how ridiculous taking the blame for your loved one's drinking or drugs really are.

What do you think he or she is going to do now that you're the perfect woman they've been asking for? You're not nagging. You're not monitoring how much your partner is drinking because you're leaving them alone. And you're all dressed up and look like you're ready for fun.

He or she is going to carry on drinking or using drugs.

He or she is going to keep doing what they want to do whether you nag, monitor their drinking, party with them, or not.

So if it makes no difference, why should you try not to nag? Because it's an attempt to control someone other than yourself.

Why should you try not to monitor your loved one's drinking? Because it makes no difference if it's beer, vodka, pills, or cocaine. The substance will change, but your partner won't until they want to.

Monitoring your loved one's drinking distracts you from taking care of yourself.

There are benefits of not nagging, having more fun (NOT by drinking or partying, but by doing things you enjoy), and to not monitoring your partner's drinking, but they are benefits for YOU, my wonderful friend. Not your loved one.

So let's make a promise to surrender the guilt. Let it go. It serves no purpose.

Forgive yourself and you can stop feeling stuck and start moving forward with a positive and loving attitude.

If you're ready to make your healing as important as your partner's sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.

3 Easy Ways to Feel Happy Oct 02, 2016

Show notes

Happiness. It's a feeling that seems unattainable when we're in the darkness of loving someone who suffers with drinking too much or addiction.

How can you feel happy in the thick of your pain? Is it possible?

Yes, it's totally and completely possible to go from hurt to joyful in an afternoon. How do I know? Because I've done it many, many times.

There were lots of mornings when I was a young mom of three and my husband had not come home from his night of drinking and partying. I woke up and had to carry on. The kids needed breakfast and the house needed to be picked up. Life had to keep moving forward, with or without him.

One morning I woke up and was determined NOT to go a single minute feeling depressed and defeated anymore. I was not going to let this disease rob me of my happiness and rob my kids of the mom they deserved to have (it was bad enough they didn't have their father present - I couldn't check out too).

Here are three things I did to feel happy that completely changed my day around to one of the most wonderful, amazing afternoons of my life. It was the day I realized I don't have to be the victim and this disease doesn't have to bring me down every hour of every day. I could be happy if my husband was there or wasn't there and if he was getting sober or not.

1. Enjoy your life.

In order to enjoy your life, you must figure out what gives you joy.

So often we get wrapped up in our partner's pain, disease, if he or she going to get sober, or if he or she going to drink.

Do you notice where all the effort and attention are going? To your loved one. Today, you can choose to stop putting useless attention into solving issues that you can't control and, instead, invest that energy into taking care of yourself.

Try doing one action or activity that brings you joy. Every day. With intention and determination. You're not going to put it off.

I know... every day seems like a lot to us codependent people who have lived for so long taking care of everyone else's needs.

But you're giving out more than you're getting back. And that leaves you feeling resentful and exhausted.

Inside the Love Over Addiction program, I show you exactly how to follow through with this new behavior.

2. Make small but important steps.

I don't know about you, but I consider myself to be somewhat of an impatient person. I work hard and I would love to see the results of my hard work immediately.

Sometimes (many times) that's an unrealistic expectation.

I think, "Okay, I've worked so hard, I'm going to get great results," and then I get so disappointed when I only see minor change.

For example, I work out and try my best to eat healthy. Every week I weigh in with my trainer. And if I've been doing a really good job with my diet, I expect the scale to show that I've lost five pounds.

But when it only shows half a pound, I'm so tempted to just give up, go home, and have a bowl of frozen yogurt with my favorite toppings (the yogurt shop has something called cookie butter - I cannot even explain the joy this gives me).

But instead, my trainer reminds me, "Michelle, you made improvements this week. That's something to celebrate," (and I don't think he means with frozen yogurt - although that's immediately where my mind goes).

So now, I'm proud of the half pound. I'm pausing and I'm congratulating myself. I sit with the feelings of accomplishment. Then I encourage myself to keep going because it IS working!

Take small but important steps in your recovery. Did you keep a quiet mouth today? Perfect. Celebrate that. Did you do one thing that gave you joy like baking cookies, scrapbooking, or taking a bubble bath? Good. Celebrate that. Small steps in recovery equal big victories.

3. Self-care.

Are you taking care of yourself physically? Are you eating healing foods? Are you exercising? If not, why?

There is a direct correlation between your happiness and how much exercise you get every week. I'm not saying you need to join a gym or commit to an hour every day, 7 days a week or hire a trainer.

A brisk, twenty minute walk every day will help you be in a better mood for 12 hours. It reduces your stress hormones and helps cure anxiety and depression.

You're not selfish for making your mental and physical health a priority. You're being responsible.

So out of these three helpful tips, what are you going to commit to this week? You can do one of them. I promise. You're so much more capable than you give yourself credit for.

Be kind to yourself and celebrate your victories. Be proud of yourself and know that I am proud of you too.

I want to come alongside you, encourage you, and show you step-by-step how to start your recovery and your healing in the Love Over Addiction program. You'll learn how to find your joy, happiness, and peace if your partner gets sober or not. You can have a new beginning. A new hope.I hope you'll join hundreds of women just like you.

The Secret to Leaving vs. Staying with your alcoholic husband Sep 26, 2016

Show notes

Are you feeling trapped in your marriage with an alcoholic or substance abuser?

You love him or her, so you want to stay in this relationship. But you're angry, confused, and feeling hopeless.

You don't know how much more you can take.

Have you ever threatened to leave your loved one because you want to scare him or her into getting sober? (this almost never works for long-term sobriety, so no need to try)

The idea of leaving breaks your heart and you don't see a way out.

You cling to the good person you fell in love with. You need the best version of him or her.

On the days you lose hope that your partner will ever get sober for good, you may secretly entertain the idea of leaving.

But how would you support yourself? Where would you go? Will your children blame you for breaking apart the family? What would your family think? What would God think?

It's not simple, is it? It's complicated and messy.

But I'm here to remind you sweet friend:

You don't need to make up your mind to leave or stay today.

Forgive yourself for staying and remember you reserve the right to change your mind tomorrow.

Surrender the decision and trust the process. You'll know if it's time to leave.

You're not trapped - you're just not ready to make the decision yet.

In the meantime, you need to get started working on your program.

You know I'm always going to be honest with you because I teach from experience.

And here's the loving truth: you're sick too. This disease has done some serious damage to you.

So, let's focus on getting you repaired and recovered. Let's commit to working your program.

And I used the word "work" intentionally. Feeling better takes commitment.

We need to commit to prayer, to self-care, and to being willing and open to change.

Listen to our free podcast, read our helpful tips, and join one of our programs. They are entirely online, so your confidentiality is always protected and there is no child care to line up. Plus, you have lifetime access.

No matter where you decided to get the help and answers you need, you're a loving thoughtful wife who needs to feel better about herself before she can make the decision to leave or stay.

By doing the work, you will no longer feel threatened or stuck. You can stay because you choose to stay. You can leave if you feel it's time because you will be strong enough to make that decision.

I hope to "meet" you inside one of our programs.

Are you preventing your partner from getting sober? Sep 12, 2016

Show notes

I had a friend who worked evenings. She was gorgeous and kind-hearted. She always wore the most beautiful outfits.

We were both pregnant at the same time. She was having a boy and so was I, so we bonded over our growing bellies and swollen ankles.

We also had something else in common:

Our husbands were both addicted to cocaine.

And because she worked nights, he would throw wild parties while she was working and I know this because my husband often attended those wild parties.

After our boys were born, we would meet on the playground every Monday. She would be looking all wonderful with her clean clothing and clean hair and I would look like a hot mess with baby food on my sweatshirt who had not slept all night.

(I'm sharing this with you because sometimes the shiny, pretty people are the ones we most admire, but they need love and acceptance just as much as we do.)

Every time we were on the playground, she would complain that after working late she would come home to find it trashed.

The house was littered with cups, garbage, and bottles. She would even find strangers passed out on the couch.

For three hours she would do nothing but clean - wash the floors, pick up trash, and do the dishes.

When her husband woke up after his binge, the home smelled and looked brand new. He had no reminder of the hurtful choices he made the night before. He could always rely on his wife to clean up his messes and erase his past.

If you are like my friend and clean up all the time, your partner will never get the severity of the situation.

The more you try to rescue your partner, the longer it will take for them to get sober.

Yes, it's easier for you to clean up after them, but you are prolonging the disease.

Doing the dirty work is not going to make your partner love you more.

Saving your loved one is not going to help get him or her sober.

I know you've been trying to help. You're helping because you love your partner.

But now you know to leave the messes for them to clean up.

You can do this! I am right here beside you reminding you – even in the worst of times – you're not alone. I know how you feel. Put your healing first by joining one of our programs and see how much different your life will be.

Holiday Survival Guide Sep 02, 2016

Show notes

Holidays… when you're married to someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction they can be difficult, can't they?

You're hoping for the best. You're praying that they will stay sober so you can have a wonderful, warm, and loving holiday.

Maybe you're planning on visiting with family and they don't have any idea how bad things have gotten at home. Or perhaps you have children and you just want their father to be the loving dad they deserve.

I know exactly how you feel. When I was married to a wonderful man who struggled with this disease, I had really high expectations for the holidays. I decorated the house, cooked delicious food (or sometimes if I was busy, I would purchase some delicious food), and I would invite my family over to celebrate and have fun.

But during all my planning, I was feeling nervous. In the back of my mind I was worried that he wouldn't stay sober and my big plans to have a lovely and happy holiday would be ruined.

And, the truth is, my reality was far different than the dreamy holiday I had fantasized about. There was drinking and drug use, sometimes even days before the actual holiday.

During Christmas, I would see my father carving the turkey and my husband just sitting on the couch with a beer, completely in his own world and think, "Why aren't you enjoying this holiday with us? This could be so wonderful if you just put down the drink and engaged with the ones who love you."

It made no sense.

And that's a great place for us to begin with this holiday guide: this disease makes no sense.

Tip #1: Stop trying to understand the why.

Your loved one is sick and this disease makes no sense and that's all you need to understand. The sooner you surrender trying to understand why he or she acts badly, the faster your healing begins.

Think about it: who would choose feeling wasted over feeling the love their family has to offer?

Who would choose to feel a fake kind of joy that drugs or alcohol make you feel, over the real joy of laughing with your children?

Who would choose mind-numbing drugs over receiving the warm love of a wife?

Someone who is sick. Who is out of control. And who has a disease.

And the more you try to understand the reason they make these sick choices, the more frustrated you will become.

You're a smart woman. You're not going to waste your valuable time trying to solve your partner's issues any longer. You are going to start to put that wasted energy into loving yourself and the wonderful woman God created you to be. Think of all this extra time you will now have as a gift to yourself.

Tip #2: Have a game plan if he refuses to leave the house when you have plans to go out.

When you're planning your holiday and you're wondering: "What do I cook? Who should I invite over? or Where should we go?" I want you to include a plan if your partner starts to drink or use drugs.

In other words, what are you going to do if he or she starts acting up? You might be thinking, "I don't know what to do, Michelle."

And I don't want you to worry because I'm going to offer you some really helpful suggestions if your loved one refuses to leave the house and you have plans to go out.

If he or she starts to drink before a holiday party or event you're excited about attending, here's your choice:

You can leave the house without him or her and have a good time.

Here's what you're not going to do: you're not going to make the unhealthy choice to cancel your plans if they refuses to go.

You're an courageous woman. You CAN go somewhere without your partner. You have good social skills and people enjoy talking with you. You will be surprised how good of a time you will have if you leave him or her at home.

Think about it: you won't need to constantly be looking across the room and worrying if your loved one has had another drink. You won't feel embarrassed about their slurred words or awkward behavior.

The only person you will be responsible for is you (and maybe your children if they are attending).

You can do it! I know you can and I promise you're more capable than you give yourself credit for.

Even if you have just five minutes of fun - it will be better than wasting the evening staying at home, upset and disappointed that your loved one made bad choices again.

Tip #3: Have a game plan if your partner starts drinking too much when you're out together.

So let's say you're at the holiday party and he or she may or may not have promised not to drink. You're grateful that you're getting out of the house and you don't want to nag or start an argument, so you mention how worried you are that he or she will act up.

And then, you see your partner start to drink. Your throat starts to tighten and you feel like you've been punched in the gut. You're devastated.

But here's the great news: you don't need to lose hope. You're not powerless over this disease. You can take a deep breath and remember that you're a strong, capable woman. This is just one evening and you can handle it.

You have two choices:

Leave the party without him. Call a cab, Uber, or ask a friend to drive you home.
Say nothing to him when you're out and make a promise to yourself that next time you will not agree to attend an event with him or her if they are drinking. One warning: if you chose this option to stay out with him or her and say nothing, make sure you get the car keys. Do NOT get in the car with your partner if he or she has been drinking. You could be putting yourself at risk to be a part of a serious accident. If he or she refuses to give you the keys, take option one and call Uber or a friend.

I am here to tell you, my sweet wonderful friend - you're not alone.

There are thousands of us out there dealing with the exact same issue and you don't need to stay feeling stuck.

By exercising these choices, you're choosing to do something about this disease. You're not just letting it happen to you. You're providing your loved one with consequences and you're growing into the courageous, loving woman you were made to be.

It might seem scary or uncomfortable, but real change never happens when we are repeating old behaviors. I promise you can do it. Have faith in yourself and believe that God made you with so much more courage than you even realize. The Bible tells us ten times to be strong and courageous. God wouldn't ask you to do something he didn't equip you for.

You've got this. I am right here for you and you're not alone.

If you're ever looking for support on this journey, check out the three programs we offer. They are all work-at-your-own-pace and you'll have lifetime access, so you're able to take as long as you need. I know these changes take time. I'm here to support you and cheer you on.

Why Your Partner Keeps Lying to You Nov 23, 2015

Show notes

Today we are going to talk about the top three ways to get your partner to stop lying to you.

Let me start off by asking you a question: Have you, my sweet listener, yelled, screamed, pleaded and begged, bargained, counseled, and done everything else you could possibly think of to get your loved one sober?

You are exhausted and resentful that you stay up late into the night worrying and trying to figure out how you can help while your partner is lying there passed out on the couch from another night of drinking or drugs.

And tomorrow he or she will probably wake up and act like nothing happened - meanwhile, you feel like your heart was just ripped out.

You try to talk to them, doing your best to let them know just how awful he or she was last night. How much they hurt you. And how they broke their promises (again) to stop drinking or using drugs. After some denial, he or she sits there and listens to you and watches you get all your feelings out.

You present a long-winded, detailed, vulnerable, honest monologue. Your loved one listens and agrees with you. And then he or she drinks again. Ugh!

Why does he or she keep lying and telling you that they're going to stop? Because they know the drill. They know that if they just nod their head and act like they're listening… eventually, you will stop talking. And then he or she can go back to drinking.

This is your routine. You react by crying, sulking, begging, yelling. Your partner listens, says sorry, tells you how much they love you, and makes you feel special. Then drinks again. How do you get your loved one to stop lying to you and when can you trust him again?

Don't ask him to promise you he'll stop.

Your partner knows his or her drinking or drug use has got to stop. They might not act like it, but they know it's killing them and your relationship. You don't need to remind them.

Base your decisions on what your partner does - not what they say.

Does he or she tell you that their family is more important than their drinking? So how does that line up with his or her choices? Does your loved one tell you they love you and that they don't deserve you, and then a week later neglects you by going to the bar, drinking on a special occasion, or leaving you to attend an event alone? Pay attention to your partner's actions, not his words.

You can start to trust them after twelve months of sobriety. Don't feel guilty if they've stopped drinking for three months and you still don't trust them. Your partner has done a lot of damage and he or she needs to rebuild trust with you one choice at a time.

You're a smart woman. Don't let this disease fool you. The quickest way to stop feeling crazy and not be lied to is to stop believing the lies and look at the facts. Write them down if you have to.

Join us at one of our work-at-your-own-pace programs and become a member of our secret Facebook group where the doors always open to talk about these major life changes.

The Real Truth About Alcoholics Nov 11, 2015

Show notes

Warning: you're about to read something that will be difficult to swallow. It was posted by an alcoholic from another website. And although it might be tough, I think hearing it will help you understand that starting your recovery is the most important, life-changing step you can make.

If you want a happier, more peaceful life, you can start with the one thing this disease can't control - YOU.

The change that needs to be made in your life starts with you.

Are you ready to hear the truth? Here are some words from an alcoholic…

My name is _______ and I am an alcoholic. This is what alcoholics do. You cannot and will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you any better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me. Something to use. When I say I love you, I am lying through my teeth because it is impossible for someone who is an active alcoholic. I wouldn't be drinking if I loved myself. Since I don't, I cannot love you. My feelings are pushed down and numbed by my alcohol. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat, and steal from you. My behavior will not change and cannot change until I make a decision to stop drinking and follow it up with a plan of action. And until I make that decision I will continue to hurt you over and over again.

Stop being surprised. I am an alcoholic and this is what alcoholics do.

I know... this gets you right in the gut.

I really debated posting this because it's not very encouraging, is it?

But what if this is a great starting point?

What if we come to accept this as the truth and start our lives over from here?

We don't have to leave or stay and we don't have to stop loving them.

We can begin to rebuild our lives knowing that all things can change (including our partner's sobriety) if we just stop putting all our energy into their addiction.

Our healing begins when we stop looking for what we need from people who are unable to give it to us.

What if we make a healthier stronger choice and start putting our energy into our own healing and grow in our spirituality?

If you haven't joined us in one of our programs and you want to find answers, hope, and happiness, what are you waiting for? Click here to check out the details. Our programs are offered for just $25 a month. If they are spending money on their bad habits, making an investment in your family's future is a better choice, don't you think?

Halloween Warning for Women Who Love An Alcoholic Oct 27, 2015

Show notes

Loving a man who drinks too much or suffers from addiction can be hard 365 days a year. But on some days, it's more difficult. This year on Halloween night I want you to be prepared for a lot drinking.

When most people are passing out candy and enjoying themselves during the holiday, you might try to make the best of it, but you are left feeling anxious and worried about your partner's choice to drink or not.

You love them (or at least you love the person you know your loved one can be when they're sober and happy). But he or she turns into a totally different person after a few drinks.

You feel sick to your stomach when you've caught them drinking again.

So, my wonderful and loving friends, how can we as a community of women prepare ourselves for Halloween when we love someone who drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse?

I am going to teach you four different ways you can enjoy Halloween, whether your partner is drinking or not. I wish I had these tools years ago.

1. Have a game plan.

Don't just pray that your partner will not drink. Don't get me wrong... praying is a good thing and should always be our FIRST response. But our faith must also include a practical plan. If your partner drinks, are you going to stay home or take a walk around the neighborhood? If he or she leaves you for a party, will you keep your phone on and constantly check for a text from them, or will you turn it off and enjoy the evening? What if you have plans to go out? Do you have the local number for a taxi or have the Uber app in case he or she starts getting out of control and you're ready to leave? Thinking ahead is the best way you avoid anger or depression.

2. Stay off the roads.

If you can avoid driving that night, please do. The majority of offenders who get a DUI will be high-risk, repeat drunk drivers. If it can't be avoided, drive in the slow lane and be extra careful. Also, try to leave for home as early as possible.

3. Be a good example.

Do not drink this evening. A lot of you ask if it's okay to drink when you're married to an alcoholic. I know many women who do and many who don't, but during the holidays there is more pressure to "party" and I want you to be the wiser and more responsible spouse (especially if you have young children) and stick to water or soda for the evening.

4. Compassion, Empathy, and Forgiveness.

It's the only way to change your heart. Your loved one is feeling a lot of pressure to drink. When everyone else is drinking around him or her, it feels like a candy convention for a diabetic. They're sick. They didn't ask for this disease. Try to be grateful that you don't have to struggle with this addiction.

One of the ways our community is different is that we believe you are NOT powerless over this disease. Look at all the ways you can help your family beat this. You don't have to sit back and be taken off guard when your partner makes bad choices.

You can get prepared. Get your expectations set. Set some boundaries ahead of time so you're not making them up as you go. You know what might happen and you're a smart woman.

This disease will not take you and your family down.

You have the tools and you are equipped to fight back.

You're not weak.

You're not helpless.

You're not stupid and you're not guilty.

If he starts to drink on Halloween, you will be prepared. You will know exactly what to do now. You are a survivor.

I believe in you and I am here for you. You are not alone in this.

Click below to get your free Halloween Survival Guide for Loving An Alcoholic. I list really simple tools that will help you prepare for the evening if he starts to drink.

If you found this tip helpful, there are plenty more practical ways we can help ourselves and the ones we love. We don't need to stay stuck and unhappy. There are better answers. Click here to take a look at one of our programs and payment plans.

How To Get An Alcoholic To Listen To Your Feelings Oct 21, 2015

Show notes

Do you want to learn how to feel joy, happiness, and peace whether your partner gets sober or not? I thought you would. I have a free video for you at the end of this post that will teach you why your happiness doesn't depend on your loved one's sobriety. In that video, I share more details about the Love Over Addiction program that's now open for enrollment.

You love an alcoholic or substance abuser.

One day you think he or she is doing better, and the next they're saying cruel and hurtful things.

You trusted them and they broke your heart.

The moment you find out your partner was drinking or using drugs or gambling again, it feels like you've been punched in the gut. A lump in your throat appears.

How could he or she do this again?

This time you really think this disease is going to kill you. You're done. You're broken. Your partner is broken. Nothing is working and you can't figure out how to help.

How did your life get to this point? You may even be embarrassed when you compare your life to other couples' lives.

And the really madding part of it all is that the next morning your loved one acts like everything's fine. He or she can barely remember what happened. You lay there feeling like you're going crazy and they're acting like nothing is wrong.

Denial. It is one of the worst things about the disease of alcoholism and addiction.

You're feeling trapped in a cycle of drinking, fighting, ignoring, resenting, blaming, and hoping - and then it all happens again.

You try so hard to be the happy and lovingly supportive wife. But even that doesn't work. This disease makes no sense.

So what do you do? How do you stop feeling confused and frustrated?

Many of you have told me over the years, "Michelle, it's so hard to just walk away and not say anything." And although I think that's always the best choice - if you feel like you just need to get it out - I've provided you the rules if you choose to stay and communicate.

Go ahead and express your feelings. Talk to him or her. BUT when you do - follow these rules. They are specific steps to follow that will help you feel courageous and dignified. If you do this correctly, you will feel in control.

You can't be vulnerable and trust a person who has been drinking. If he or she is drinking, leave the room. Find your own space and stay away.
When you do talk to your partner the next morning or whenever they decide to come back home, you need to keep it short and sweet. No lectures. No yelling. You are a dignified woman.
Tell your loved one three things: what he or she did, how it made you feel, and that he or she needs help. That's it. Write it down and practice before you say it. Four paragraphs at the most.

The last thing you need to remember: your partner's reaction doesn't matter. If he denies, gets angry, walks away, whatever.

Do you want to know why their reaction doesn't matter? It's because you're expressing your feelings for YOU - not for them.

If you want to feel the love, hope, and peace you've been looking for and you want to learn how to be happy again, join me in the Love Over Addiction program. Also, just click below and check your inbox for your free, helpful video that teaches you why you're happiness doesn't depend on his sobriety.

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