Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens

Latest Episodes:

Eps 106: Becoming Calm Responders with Alexandra Hughes Aug 22, 2017

Show notes

World traveler, calm seeker, mom coach, multi-lingual speaker, Alexander Hughes, brings us her methods for supporting mamas in the chaos that is parenthood. The trials and tribulations of her own experience in motherhood would eventually fuel the passion of support she gives to other moms navigating the same road. Alex has created a soft space for mamas feeling out of control to find their rhythm and calm. At her website inneressencecoaching.com one has access to her workshops, authentic words of wisdom and that much needed place to connect with someone who gets it. With three kids and a handful of international moves Alex knows what it means to feel out of control in the mama chaos – which is why she has turned over every rock to find that much needed calm. We really should just make her wear a cape.

What you will hear in this episode:

Alex’s journey into and out of chaos
An experience of transitions from a working professional to working mom to stay at home mom and back to working mom
Our vision vs. our reality
Why finding calm is so important as a mother
The importance of mother’s nurturing a relationship with self
Identifying patterns and models in current parenting
Understanding where patterns and models come from
Understanding the internal work necessary to tackle patterns & models
How we set ourselves up and why this can ultimately lead to chaos
Changing how we see the road – going from linear to cyclical
Understanding the cycles through life
Awareness of what we model for our kids
Access to tools 1) manage stress 2) manage anger 3) creating a life for yourself that are aligned with values and self loving
How our words create expectations for the inner child
Where courage lies
Summary of how Alex helps mamas on the road to calm - #1 Internal Work #2 External Work
Self Care – is about “doing stuff that lights you up”
Calm responding wisdom & tools

Quotes:

“When you have kids and you're a stay-at-home mom and you have stay-at-home parents, checking those boxes and feeling that sense of achievement doesn’t always happen”. 6:34

“Models and patterns live deep inside of me based on my own childhood and my own experiences”. 11:16

“Create a new best friend voice that is going to support us in the choices we are going to make”. 12:06

“If we can switch from that and seeing these mistakes, those blowups as opportunities to reconnect with your kid, teach your kid, learn yourself”. 20:28

“It’s your job to love yourself and to practice self care and self love because your children are watching you. AND you are a better everything when you do”. 43:04

What does Joyful Courage mean to you:

“I think that you need to be courageous to be a conscious mom, to practice positive parenting, or to take that journey toward calm responding. It’s about opening yourself up to feelings. It’s about treating those moments as learning opportunities when you do ‘make those mistakes’. When you open yourself up, you need to be courageous to be vulnerable. Once you do that it opens up this space for connection, which without there would be no joy”.

Where to find Alex:

Website Facebook Linkedin

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Eps 105: Solo Show, A Visit with my 11 Year Old, Shifting our Lens Aug 15, 2017

Show notes

Join the Joyful Courage Tribe in our community Facebook group - Live and Love with Joyful Courage. Raising our children while growing ourselves...

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Practice, practice, practice. There is no other way to really move into how we want to BE. Practice is the key. The beauty of choosing and moving through practice is we discover new ideas, concepts and understandings that make our practice more enjoyable AND dare I say magical. In this episode we dig a little deeper into the idea of using our lens to take us to where we want to go. When toddling through different lenses we can shift this practice even deeper. We are joined by Ian O’Roarty, tween extraordinaire, into the lens of his practice through making amends. Listen and see how many fruitful lenses you discover.

What you will hear:

iTunes reviews – yay!! Thank you!!
Ian is my guest to talk about what making amends looks and feels like from an 11 year old perspective
Power of perception
Moving into the perception of being a new sibling
What might that look like to a toddler?
How we collect evidence to support our perception
What will we choose in the practice of collecting evidence?
Is our evidence creating our fears? OR is our evidence helping us move through how we want to be?

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Eps 104: Kristin Hovious is on talking about making amends and repairing relationships Aug 08, 2017

Show notes

Kristin Hovious is a committed teacher with over a decade of experience in vocational, adult education, serving Chicago’s Cortiva Institute as both Education Director (2007-2008) and Adjunct Faculty Member (2006-2017.) Her training as a massage therapist and yoga teacher provides a foundation and love for anatomy and science of human development.

As a Positive Discipline Certified Trainer, Kristin, combines a career of teaching and serving with her passion for creating mutually respectful environments for families, children, classrooms and schools. In her collaboration with teachers, administrations and families, Kristin’s goal is to help facilitate opportunities for adults and students to become compassionate leaders, with the hope that doing so will help build more peaceful communities. Kristin has served on the Positive Discipline Association Board of Directors as a Consultant since 2016.

What you will hear in this episode:

Kristin’s journey into Positive Discipline (PD)
How PD grew in the Hovious’ Home and the challenges that came with learning a new way
How teaching anatomy in her career paved the way for curiosity in neuroscience
Understanding how emotions and behaviors influence connection
Discussion on ‘kind and firm’ rephrasing as ‘connection and accountability’ and why
Why shifting society’s idea of mistakes and punishments lacks ability to repair
Understanding mistakes as opportunities to learn
How repairing is a practice and it has the power to transform our relationships
Mistakes lead to repairing opportunities
Kristin walks us through four steps in healthy repair
Relatable examples from Kristin’s own life help us empathize and feel supported in our own challenges
Modeling is key
Sticking to our agendas is a way we move away from connection
When we repair relationships we have the power to heal connections
Diving into our parenting pain so we can make amends
Discomfort is a place to get curious, not a place to get stuck

“I don’t think repairing relationships comes naturally or easy to us. It is practice”.

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

“What Joyful courage means to me is that there is a consistent opportunity to practice repair. That is always worth it - it’s so important in the whole trajectory in our lives together as human beings. If we can be joyful in repair then maybe we can also turn the corner and be joyful about mistakes”.

Where to find Kristin:

Selchicago.com

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Eps 103: Solo Show Digging Under the Surface of Bedtime Challenges Aug 01, 2017

Show notes

Who needs sleep? If you think about your best parenting moments vs. your more challenging ones I think we could venture to say that sleep OR lack of sleep would be a BIG contender. We have all been there. We move fluidly through that familiar bedtime routine, finish that last Llama Llama page, kisses, lights out….. We are no further from the kitchen when we hear “Mooooooooooom”!!! or Daaaaaaadddddeeeeeeeeeeee”! Sigh.

Mama Christine posted this week about her daughter’s sleep struggles “oh, tribe, apologies for the long post, but I'm in dire need of some help. bedtime. dear lord, my daughter is 5, and it. is. brutal. her bedroom is on the first floor, mine is upstairs. she's often hungry before bedtime, so we usually do a snack like high fat yogurt and fruit. after bedtime jobs are done, i read to her, we sing, and say our goodnights...generally 20ish minutes. nearly every night, she's out of bed for any number of 'reasons': need to say goodnight to the dog, still hungry, thirsty, needs to say something to me, needs to ask me a question, needs another hug, says she can't sleep (within minutes of me leaving her bedroom) and the list goes on”.

Christine is not alone here, otherwise there would not be a book called Go the F@ck to Sleep . Let’s break this struggle down, so Christine can get some sleep and her little one can feel peaceful slumber.

What you will hear:

· Iceberg view – top of the iceberg; requests, getting our of bed, one last… Under the surface; belonging and significance, influence, connection

· Mischief showing up when we have misguided ideas about belonging and significance

· Getting curious, noticing lack of skills to complete task (ie going to sleep)

· Getting curious so we can be solution minded, see where child has influence

· Children long for connection, they settle for attention

· Creating routines that help kids know what is happening and allowing them to have influence

· Making agreements to help kids create boundaries

· What is my child’s perspective?

· Asking how am I feeding this problem?

Link to Deborah MacNamara

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Eps 102: Learning How Tears Heal with Kate Orson, Hand in Hand Parenting Instructor Jul 25, 2017

Show notes

Join the Joyful Courage Tribe in our community Facebook group - Live and Love with Joyful Courage. Raising our children while growing ourselves...

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Kate Orson is a Hand in Hand parenting instructor, and author of Tears Heal: How To Listen To Children is on the podcast today! Originally from the UK she now lives in Basel, Switzerland, with her husband, author Toni Davidson, and their four year old daughter Ruby.

You can find her work in parenting magazines including The Green Parent, Juno and Smallish.

What you’ll hear in this episode:

An introduction to Hand in Hand Parenting
Children’s natural healing abilities
Helping to attune to a child in a calm manner
The benefits of crying
Need for cortisol to be released from a stressful event
It’s crucial children have safe space to release stress
How to find ways to connect, special time
Learn to listen to your children’s emotions
Signs to look for in distressed children
Getting out of our need to “fix it” or “stop it” response
Children will release on their own terms
Be available and take an interest in them

Quotes:

“I think our entire culture has this mental block when it comes to crying”.

“I came across this different way of listening to the emotions. It’s reframing the way we view tears. It’s about listening and allowing the feelings”.

“Children need safety to let go of feelings”.

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

“I would say parenting is really really hard work. Sometimes we make mistakes and it may seem really hard to get up the next day and embrace it as a fresh day. We should have the Joyful Courage to embrace the challenges of parenting”.

Where to find Kate:

website I Facebook I Twitter

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Eps 101: Casey is Solo with Wisdom from an 8 Year Old on the Power of Offers/Counter Offers Jul 18, 2017

Show notes

Casey is solo!

One of the most effective and accessible tools in Positive Discipline, which fully connects our kids to significance and belonging, is the offer and the counter-offer. Casey and her very special guest, Melany, discuss the best way to use offers and counter-offers.

What you’ll hear in this episode:

· My eight year old niece chimes in on why having the option to counter offer helps her feel happy · Imagine aligning your vision of boundaries and expectations with that of your child’s · Building life long skills in processing, communicating and self confidence · An effective tool that helps build feelings of belonging and significance · What are non-negotiables vs.negotiables · How opening up the opportunity for your child to have a voice will help them ease into non-negotiables with healthy cooperation

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Eps 100: Dr. Tina Bryson Supports Us With Brain Informed Parenting Jul 11, 2017

Show notes

Dr. Tina Payne Bryson is the co-author (with Dan Siegel) of two New York Times bestsellers: The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline. She is the Executive Director of the Center for Connection in Pasadena, CA and a pediatric and adolescent psychotherapist. She keynotes conferences and conducts workshops for parents, educators, and clinicians all over the world. Dr. Bryson earned her Ph.D. from the University of Southern California, where her research explored attachment science, childrearing theory, and the emerging field of interpersonal neurobiology. You can learn more about her at TinaBryson.com, where you can subscribe to her blog and read her articles about kids and parenting.

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What you will hear in this episode:

How Dr. Dan Siegal and Tina collaborated on THE WHOLE-BRAINED CHILD
How science can help guide parents in really profound ways
Programs, communities and in which Dr. Bryson’s work is taught
The importance of HOW are parent shows up to the nervous system of a developing child
How getting CURIOUS with your child creates gateways into building important life skills and self regulation
How making ASSUMPTIONS delays or stops tool building; ie, taking behavior personal, over explaining behavior, making character assumptions, if they did it once they should be able to consistently complete task/request
Paying attention to a developing nervous system
If the nervous system is not regulated the child cannot have choice over behavior
How to influence the nervous system in both self and child
Identification of Dr. Bryson and Dr. Siegals emotional “ZONES”; Red Zone, Blue Zone, Green Zone
The Frontal Cortex is not developed yet
Children do not have the architecture to control “reptilian brain” / “fight or flight” in red or blue zones – difficulty paying attention, learning, regulating
Tools/techniques to get in “green zone” – regulated, calm, empathetic, attune
Behavior is communicating child’s lack of skills
When to seek out professional help
Self regulation – be gentle and kind with ourselves (reference Kristin Neff, of self-compassion.org)
New techniques require time and PRACTICE
Calming strategy when child is disregulated- get BELOW eye level and use soothing words including “I’m right here with you”
Brain associates with physical state – floppy noodle technique
Body shift can help shift emotions
How discipline is teaching
We need to give children tools not take them away
Thoughts on consequences
Key actions of soothing, connection, problem-solving, playfulness and being pro-active build a “whole-brained” child
How to recognize our own “zones” and practice getting/staying into “green zone”

Where to find Dr. Tina Bryson:

tinabryson.com – infinite resources to put into practice! Facebook l Twitter

What to watch for:

New books by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson The YES Brain - January 2018 Showing Up – TBD

Info from the Show:Lantern CampsKristin Neff, of self-compassion.orgCamp Chippewa http://campchippewa.com/

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Eps 99: Casey is Solo Exploring Boundaries, Agreements and Screen Time Jul 04, 2017

Show notes

Welcome back to the show!

Let me share my own story from the trenches… You aren’t the only one who has kids who act like you are ruining their lives when you ask them to help our around the house… AND, it is a beautiful thing when your kids turn it around and own their behavior, right? It is a good thing, yes, but I am getting curious about if I am inadvertently raising a people pleaser….??

A question from the community

Mama Denise shares “Literally losing my mind on first day of summer vacation over iPads. I don't have an ounce of energy for a single tool. I'm the worst mom ever, according to my daughter (5y 10mos). And my 7 1/2 yo son "needs this mower" on a farm simulator game. Literally feel like pitching these machines in the dumpster. Thank you for listening.”

These are the struggles where we can release most of the load and pull our kids into co-creation. Casey takes Denise’s familiar scenario and leads us through the practice of intention, presence and solution.

Showing up intentionally, rather than reactively
Creating intention and applying it to our lens and presence
Noticing the ease of intention when the ride is smooth and the rockiness when things fall apart
Creating routines that help kids know what is happening and allowing them to have influence
Making agreements to help kids create boundaries
Identifying needs vs. privileges. ex. Screen time – it is a privilege
Privilege comes after contributions
Difference between contribution vs. chores
A privilege differs from a reward
It’s not about “earning”, it’s about “management”
Guiding kids to have a voice in solutions when they feel an agreement or routine is not working
Seeing the tip of the iceberg and KNOW that beneath the surface is a request for boundaries
Allowing children a voice means we hold them as contributors to the cause
Children are more likely to follow through when they have a voice in the creation of the agreement
Introducing offer and counter offer tool – teaches parent how to let go of agenda, control and rigidity
Sharing power when stakes are low

Resources:

Routine Handout Agreement Handout

Quotes:

“There are ways of being that support us in the journey.”

“Everything is an opportunity to grow, to be better, and to be curious.”

“Underneath all of the behavior all of the challenges and mischief that shows up is the underlying need for belonging, significance and influence. Our children only have so many years of life to filter and make sense of it.”

“In the co-creation of routines and agreements the underlying message is that the child’s voice matters.”

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Eps 98: Kerry Foreman is on Supporting us in What it Means to be Grounded Jun 27, 2017

Show notes

Meet Kerry Foreman, psychotherapist, mother, wife and mindfulness guide. Kerry’s practice and blog, Grounded, settles around mindfulness awareness and the practice to live a life you’ll truly love. After a tough childhood, Kerry recognized that the tools she had to cope with life were unhealthy. Life her threw her some tough lessons, but by surrounding herself with healthy people she began to open the gifts of healthy practices, which began her healing journey. One by one she was able to acknowledge the unhelpful coping mechanisms and could then change and design how she wanted to live. Kerry lives in Colorado with her family. Her blog, Grounded, is a place for those who find strength in uplifting words and real, raw stories. It’s for those who love the idea of Mindfulness but maybe have no idea what that even looks like in real life. Kerry’s passion is to help people learn to live with a clearer lens.

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What you’ll hear in this episode:

Recognition of FOO (Family of Origin) patterns and the call to make changes
Psychological/verbal/emotional abuse trains us react rather than respond
Noticing patterns such as shame, guilt and anger – where do they originate?
Becoming a parent can bring these to the surface. How do we recognize where we need to change?
Learning to respond instead if react
Understand and reflect on our own parents’ experience
Creating change and becoming aware of our own inner state of being
Mindfulness practice influences the shift into better relationships
How do we become grounded in order to stay balanced and present in mind no matter what is happening around us?
Where control plays a role in mindfulness and the contrast in anxiety
What do we chose to believe – what is the story we play in our minds?
Self talk of being a victim – recognizing the language
Expectations of others and how to stay mindful and in control while at the same time releasing what we are not in control of.

What does Joyful Courage mean to me?

“Joyful Courage is finding the joy in being brave enough to parent differently. Finding a new path in order to allow our kids to be who they were meant to be.”

Where to find Kerry:

YouTube l Facebook l Twitter l BLOG

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Eps 97: Casey is solo! Connecting before Correcting, Problem Solving and Empowering our Kids Jun 20, 2017

Show notes

Casey takes listeners through real scenarios shared by our parenting community. She takes us through the process of connecting before correcting, so that we can create solutions with our kids. She invites listeners to recognize the tools we are using that aren't helpful, and shares how to replace them with tools that help us connect. while also guiding them to work together and find solutions that empower them.

What you’ll hear in this episode:

How to show up and hold space for problem solving with your kids
Becoming aware of the rigidity and resistance when disciplining their kids
Recognize that often the best solutions come directly from our kids
Becoming aware of non-judgment and non-attachment and understand how this can positively influence the parent/child relationships
What does it look like to surrender and how this can become a practice of modeling
Understanding their developmentally appropriate behavior is not against parents – it’s their developmental phase.
Brain development plays a major role in behaviors.

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