Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens

Latest Episodes:

Eps 126: Tina Bryson is BACK teaching us about nurturing a YES BRAIN Jan 09, 2018

Show notes

Welcome, thank you for showing up!

Tina Bryson is BACK ON the podcast today!! You all remember Tina from Eps 100 – which happens to be THE most downloaded show to date of this podcast.

Tina co-authored two of MY fave parenting books, the whole brain child and no drama discipline with Dan Siegel and she is BACK on the podcast today to talk about her NEW book, the yes brain.

I am THRILLED she is back on….

Content:

The Yes Brain is available NOW
Tina is a mama to 17, 14, and 11 year boys
Yes brain and no brain approaches
A “yes brain” is a mindset of saying yes to the world, open – neurological state, our brain is integrated and linked up… Over time it becomes hardwired
A “no brain” is fearful, reactive
Prompted by “what are the skills my child needs to be successful?” – Tina and Dan Siegel wanted to go beyond academics and gold stars
They need an integrated brain that has a strong/functioning prefrontal cortex
Yes Brain has 4 Components:
Balance
Resilience
Insight
Empathy
Developmental brain/age/temperament matters
Tina shares a story about her own son who seemed to be lacking empathy at a young age
Brain develops through experience - What we emphasize (as parents) in our interactions create new linking connection in the brain.
Use books, shows, and real world experiences to model and draw forth empathy in our kids
Trust development, trust that what you are doing will pay off
Supporting our children in feeling their feelings – support them as they practice tolerating difficult feelings
Normalize difficult feelings…
2-3 tools to put into practice:
Sleep!!!
When we sleep the brain LITERALLY freshens up
Survive emotional dysregulation
When kids are at their worst is when they need us the most
Co-regulaton – a soothing presence to communicate “you’re safe, I’m here”
Build/teach skills to help them regulate themselves – GREEN ZONE
Check out Eps 100 to hear Tina dig deeper into this
Teach them to understand themselves
Rethinking success
Our children having an authentic self that they can trust
It’s about the journey and not JUST the destination
BIGGER than gold stars and academics
Eudaimonia – happiness comes from meaning, connection and peaceful contentment

Tinabryson.com

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Eps 125: Solo Show About Goals, Practice and Living Committed Jan 02, 2018

Show notes

Welcome, thank you for showing up!

Todays topic – what it means to hold the container and get the results you WANT

My experience of big goals and daily intentions/practices – a bit from my conversation with Edna – areas of growth for me around supporting my clients in declaring and creating results in their lives.

Overarching goals “What do you want at the end of our work? How will you measure success?” This can be anything from potty trained toddlers (Katie’s reflection)/easier bedtime/deeper relationship with teens (Lorrianes feedback)/less yelling and more loving…
Some is easy to measure, some, not so much….
PLUS it is a pendulum swing
Many. Small. Steps.

It is so important to set goals – that way you know where you are going.

Cruise control vs being intentional
Being intentional DOES require you to face some hard truths sometimes, to bump up against thoughts/ beliefs / emotions that maybe you have become really skilled at avoiding
AND to live the fullest, most authentic life, we must make room for ALL of it – even the stuff that is hard

Setting goals

I have weekly, monthly, quarterly and annual goals
They all feed into each other
The baby steps I take during the week set up my for the monthly goals,etc
The ANNUAL GOALS are the container (remember, I mentioned that earlier?)

Living the practice

It’s not even really about the goals, it is about the journey TO the goals.
It is about going 100%
Reference Krista’s blog post about 100% is easy
https://boldlyembodylife.com/bold-notes/.
It’s every moment of saying yes to the practice we have decided to commit to.
“To be responsible, keep your promises to others, to be successful, keep your promises to yourself.” – Marie Forleo
what this means to me….
Yes to myself for myself
GRATITUDE
Get yours at https://boldlyembodylife.com/word-of-the-year-2018/

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Eps 124: Conscious Communication with Lori Petro Dec 26, 2017

Show notes

Welcome, thank you for showing up!

Content:

My guest today is Lori Petro. Lori is passionate about conscious parenting and was a guest on Episode 62. She is an advocate for children and families, a parent educator, mama and founder of Teach Through Love.

Lori’s journey began as being a misunderstood kid… Followed by HAVING a child and wanting to provide her with something different than what she experienced
Lori is a creator/artist at heart wanting to created compassion and understanding in our communication with each other
Inspired to create a better world for her kid and everyone else to live in
Conscious communication cards
Conscious communication – supporting parents in taking their understanding of conscious parenting into the language and way of being they bring to their relationships
Staying present and leaving the blame, shame, judgment and guilt behind
Communication includes messages we deliver with what we SAY, as well as what we DON’T say, our tone, our body language – we are always sending messages
Parents do TO the children to get them to be what we want them to be…. It’s about allowing our kids HAVE THE EXPERIENCE and learning from there
SEEING our children in their emotion/experience
They are there to provoke us in our own self awareness
Listening to understand…. Lean in to understanding our children’s experience and what it is like to BE them… (Lori shares lip gloss story) Otherwise we miss the fullness of what is their life (Casey shares crop top story)
Not about saying the perfect right thing, it’s about continuing the conversation with our kids around the places where we want a deeper understanding
Tell me more about that…
It’s bigger than the make-up and the crop top
Opens up conversation
Conversations to understand vs conversation that are ultimately begun to convince our kids that we are right and they are wrong
20:40 Aware of when our agenda of fear is clouding their experience of growing into their own maturity
Conscious parenting is not one long negotiation
Being firm is a piece of it
Be ok when kids don’t like the boundary
Conscious communication cards
Came from ideas that Lori posted on line every week
Developed into a model for her parenting program
Stress/skills/support
Am I looking to help my child regulate? (stress)
Am I trying to help my child build and emerging skill? (skills)
Am I trying to mend/repair relationship? (support)
Divided into two section
Behaviors/words to avoid
Examples of what to say/directions to go in
Target cards
What you can look for to find the root cause of behavior
5 steps for peaceful resolution
Parents use the cards in many different ways
Post them in their world
Sit with them at the end of the day and review them
IT’S A PRACTICE
Daily
Progress not perfection (even for Lori)
Our brains never stop developing and we can always learn new skills
We still have not great parenting moments but we OWN IT
Lori shares about her personal practices
Finding work/life balance
Meditation
DAILY mindfulness

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Eps 123: Solo Show - Navigating Big Emotions From Grownups and Kids Dec 19, 2017

Show notes

SOLO SHOW

Context – we all have the power and the skills to be the parent we want to be

A recent post from the Live and Love with Joyful Courage community:

Can we talk about sharing our big feelings with our kids?

My kids are 2.5 and 4.5yo, and I don't know how to share my big feelings in front of them without freaking them out. I want to be able to be my full and authentic self with them, in an age appropriate way. And I realize, the fact that they are upset when I am upset means that they are afraid of my big feelings and may be afraid of their own big feelings. We try to welcome their big feelings (tantrums, disappointment, etc.) but I think we do a miserable job at it.

Compounding this, I am someone with explosive emotions. I tend to feel things very deeply and it takes me time to calm down. I have worked hard to make sure I don't express those emotions in a negative or scary way. But instead I most often bottle them up, which isn't good either.

Celebrating awareness. Celebrating emotional intelligence. Celebrating authenticity. Celebrating personal responsibility.

Misconceptions (in general):

not ok for our children to see us upset
not ok for our children to FEEL upset
they’re being naughty
they’re manipulating
they’re learning “bad behavior”
welcoming big feelings is the same as condoning hurtful behavior

This is a POWERFUL example of what I think is the PURPOSE of parenting:

to grow into our best selves

Children are mirrors

not mimics
instead, provide a reflection of how we effect the world, what our impact is, what we are inviting

Children/parenting journey is an invitation

recognizing conditioning
recognizing what our “driver” is
recognize commitment vs attachment
Committed to being a connected parent vs attachment to what that looks like (slippery, perfectionism, comparison)

Children/parenting journey is unrelenting

The lessons come every day, moment to moment
The growth is like peeling an onion
There is no where to ARRIVE

Child/parenting journey is an opportunity to grow

I can’t say this enough
Where are your hard edges?
Where is there room for self growth?
Where can flexibility show up inside of rigidity
“I am someone with explosive emotions.”
We are ALWAYS evolving
What can we learn about ourselves?
What can we practice that will be more helpful and less hurtful?
How can we deliver our experiences and be heard?
How can we create a PRACTICE that honors us and our experience while also models the life skills we want our children to one day embody?
Practices are UNIQUE and INDIVIDUAL
The myth of “balance”
Assumptions about our “roles”

Taking care of ourselves and our own self-regulation, in the end, will do more to teach our children and influence their behavior than any tool you can find in a book or the internet.

You’ve got this!

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Eps 122: Shameproof Parenting with Mercedes Samudio Dec 12, 2017

Show notes

Welcome Mercedes Samudio. For almost a decade, Mercedes has been working with families to help them develop healthy communication skills, manage severe emotional issues, develop coping skills to manage behaviors, create dynamic parent-child relationships, and navigate social media & technology as a family.

Throughout the course of her career she has worked with adoptive families, foster families, teen parents, parents navigating the child protective services system, and children living with mental illness.

In 2014, Mercedes began to transition into her private practice where she focuses on parent coaching and guiding families to reducing unwanted behaviors, developing effective parenting strategies, creating healthy communication habits, and designing social media/tech plans for their household.

Content:

Mercedes talks about her background experience with teen parents
Supporting parents in being confident in their ever evolving parenting identity
Where #endparentshaming came from
Others/media offering mixed judgments – no one changes when they feel shame/unsafe
Movement to get people to see that even when others are doing things you don’t agree with, how to step into empathy to see where they need support
People doing the best they can with the tools they have
Shame as a defense to our own discomfort
“Raising a human while trying to be authentically human yourself”
You are bigger than your parent role
Take time to focus on self and partner as a tool for surrendering to what your child’s current challenge is
When we focus solely on our child’s mistakes, all we see are their mistakes
Bring the skills/areas of other parts of our life into the parts that feel a bit shakey
10,000 feet view
We have our own shame conversations….
Reframe the expectations you have of yourself
Example: how do you deal with things when you are angry?
What do I need, what can I do for myself?
How can I use my support system to help me?
The misperception that conscious parenting shouldn’t be hard
Conscious parenting requires us to be conscious parenting
18:30 quote
People are attached to their shame – the stories feel familiar
Figure out what your stories are that take you to shame
People grow and change in space that is free from shame and judgement
Considering FOO – Family Of Origin
Write down why these relationships matter to you
Still want connection…
Let them know WHY you want to stay connected (be specific)
Then, share what it is that you are going to be practicing and invite the family member into supporting you
Ask for alignment
CONNECT BEFORE CORRECT (not just for kids J )
Set you boundaries to keep YOUR bucket full for YOU family
Shameproof Parenting by Mercedes
How to build support with other parents and non parents
A shame proof village!

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

Being able to find joy even in the times when it’s not happening... I’m still showing up.

Where to find Mercedes:

Website l You Tube

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Eps 121: Solo show about Intention, Listening, and Courageous Parenting Dec 05, 2017

Show notes

Content:

What it means to be intentional

Bringing qualities to OUR body and OUR experience
Present moment is key
Awareness is grown through practice

Getting hooked

Our kids behavior as bids
The lob
Passing on the uncomfortable energy to someone else that can hold it
Development

Listening, Acceptance and Courage

Others – what is being said, isn’t being said, body, etc
Self – get still and listen to our inner voice, NOT THE EGO, but the voice that is deeper
What is your current story about yourself and your family?
Is it true?
Byron Katie – turn it around
Is it true
Finding evidence
Accept that this is where you are at.
Noticing urgency/frantic energy
Unless there is an emergency, this is not helpful
BBB
Breath
Body
Balcony
Courage to trust
Follow your intuition
Let it go/surrender
Trust the people in your life
Trust the process
Trust that the people in your life want to live their best life too
Making decisions for ourselves VS against the other person/expectation

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Eps 120: Dr. Robin McEvoy is on Talking About Decoding our Children with Complex Issues Nov 28, 2017

Show notes

Guest Intro:

Dr. Robin McEvoy is a developmental neuropsychologist practicing in Denver, Colorado. She evaluates and diagnoses a wide range of learning disabilities and learning needs in children, adolescents and adults. This includes the identification of reading disabilities such as dyslexia. She then works with the family to develop a treatment plan to remediate the weaknesses and accentuate strengths. In addition to her private practice, Dr. McEvoy is an assistant professor at the University of Colorado Health Sciences Center. Dr. McEvoy has authored a children’s book, Buddy: A Story for Dyslexia (illustrated by her daughter). She is the co-author/editor of the recently published book, Child Decoded: Unlocking Complex Issues in Your Child’s Learning, Behavior, and Attention.

Content:

Child Decoded – inspired by the tough expectations and increase in labeling/diagnoses of academic/social development.
Using a master checklist as a guide for finding what it is they need
Checklist is a triage
Looking under the surface – physical/biomedical limitations
Diet and gut and neurons
Parents navigating all the services for their children with complex issues – and feeling as though no one else can “see” their child the way that they can
Gather evidence with video and photo to share information about your child
Child Decoded fills that gap for parents to go from “I have worries” to restarting when parents feeling stuck in the treatment/not sure what to do or where to go next
Modify the environment vs supporting our kids in living in the “real world”
Paradigm shift – we can be seeing every child in a more holistic way, look at every child as an individual… Mind AND body
Current lens – we tend to treat at the symptom level with the “quickest” approach (lots of times with meds)
Sometimes the answer is really simple
Complimentary/Alternative medicine
Both/and mindset… so many solutions in both western and eastern medicine
Putting together the team – who is needed?
How do you support parents with overwhelm and loneliness as they advocate for their kids…? Find support on the internet/social media – be proactive in seeking out support
Breathe – complex issues or not, you are in this for the long haul

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

“Know that you have more experience with your child than anyone else… You know your child the best. Have faith in your child, have faith in yourself.”

Robinmcevoy.com l Childdecoded.com

Blog l FB – Dr. Robin McEvoy

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Eps 119 Solo Show - Deconstructing Natural Consequences and Personal Responsibility Nov 21, 2017

Show notes

Intro Sharing:

Thank you, listeners!!
Honored to serve you…
Mother’s Journey recap – Seattle, Portland, Boise
Orange County, East Hampton, St. Paul – 2018 Mother’s Journey locations
Boldly Embody Life – Krista Petty Raimer, Grace, Elevate
When I am a yes to trusting, surrender and presence is already there
Visioning for 2018

:::::

Sponsor:

Thank you, Lovepop!

Enjoy a discount when you buy 5 or more cards and free shipping on all orders when you go to www.lovepop.com/joyful

:::::

Content:

Personal Responsibility and Natural Consequences

Natural consequences are what happens when we stay out of the way – they occur when we let things unfold
What do we want most for our kids? What are our desired outcomes for this whole process of parenting?
Reference to a poll on my personal FB page
Who lets their 14 year old daughter hang out in her room with her boyfriend?
Two lists activity from Positive Discipline class
The only place that our kids can develop life skills is inside of experience… and in relationship with a healthy adults supports that as well…
Their experiences inspire and inform future decisions
There is a lot learning that we are robbing our children of because we are getting in the way
Parents internal experience takes over
Mindfulness matters when we are supporting our kids in developing personal responsibility
Natural consequences happens when adults don’t get in the way
This is a dance – boundaries are respectful kids need them, we need them
Kids need to feel the tension
Mistakes allow natural consequences – when we let them feel the consequences that show up, that we aren’t IMPOSING there is lots of room to learn
Example – homework
Help them to expand their perspective of what THEY want
Check your assumptions… and check in with your child
Humans LONG to be listened to, seen
Kids learn personal responsibility through experiencing having the opportunity to BE personally responsible
What matters is the relationship – bonded in unconditional love and mutual respect
Allow the natural consequence the power that they have
Our kids want to feel connected, as though they matter and that they have influence
Tools: co-creating routines and agreements, loosen up, ask questions, check your unspoken messaging, family meetings
joyfulcourage.com/family-meeting-ecourse
We all want our kids to grow into cooperative, contributing adult living good lives
What already exists when they make mistakes is powerful!

Coming up next week – talking with Robin Sabbag about raising a teen daughter.

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Eps 118: Tosha Schore talks about how we can parent our boys for a more PEACEFUL world Nov 14, 2017

Show notes

My guest today is Tosha Schore, M.A. Tosha brings a burst of energy and optimism to parenting, and will lift your parenting confidence! She is an expert at simple solutions to what feel like overwhelmingly complicated problems.

A sought after coach, author and speaker, Tosha is committed to creating a more peaceful world, one sweet boy at a time. Through her online and in-person offerings, she supports parents to care for themselves, connect with their boys deeply, set limits lovingly, and play wildly.

Tosha is a trainer of Hand in Hand Parenting and co-author with the organization's founder, Patty Wipfler, of "Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Challenges." She is also creator of the wildly popular "Parenting Boys Peacefully! A FREE 10-Day Reconnect," and the new online course, "Out With Aggression!"

You can find Tosha on her website, www.toshaschore.com, and on FB at Tosha Schore, Your Partner In Parenting Boys.

Content:

Raising boys in these days of toxic masculinity
Taking a hard look at the ways that men are conditioned
Creating a more peaceful world, one sweet boy at a time
The question of how to help our boys grow into emotionally intelligent men who don’t see women as objects is worldwide
How to help our boys grow up to be peaceful – Huff Post article
Move beyond the anger and the fear to what we can DO
Opportunity shows up in raising our boys
We need to teach our boys that there are lots of ways to be close that aren’t sexual
It’s ok to talk, cuddle, hold hands – lots of ways of being intimate
Documentary of The Mask You Live InNot giving permission to boys for having intimate friendships with other boys
Navigating the jockeying for power among boys
Redefining what it means to be masculine
What is being modeled in the homes for our boys?
Increase our own emotional intelligence and pay attention to how we navigate and model our own upset
Boys being encouraged to stuff their emotions
Not comfortable with allowing our boys the time and space to have feelings
Help them feel comfortable with their full array of emotions – not just anger
Popular culture isn’t helpful
Advocate/ Fight for the right of our boys to have feelings
AND advocate for them to make mistakes and learn from them
When our boys make mistakes we need to help them
Talk about music lyrics and porn and do it when they are YOUNG
Amy Lang – parent educator, parenting through our children’s sexual development
Start talking to your boys
Don’t let your discomfort get in the way of letting our boys be their whole selves
Amy’s short video about having convos about sexual harassment/assault with our kids
Talking to our kids about standing up to friends who are harassing others
Seize opportunities for modeling/showing them what it looks like to “do what’s right”
Story of masculinity inside of supporting a woman on Reddit
Acknowledging that standing up for what is right is challenging!!
Teachable moments are when they make mistakes and getting into mischief
Final thoughts – “hurt people hurt people” – boys and men are hurting and therefore hurting others… when we help them heal from their hurts, we are solving the problem

Where to find Tosha:

www.toshaschore.com

10 day reconnect parenting boys peacefully

www.listenthebook.com

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Eps 117: Solo show - A Bit About Choosing in, Being Kind and Firm, Making Agreements and Following Through Nov 07, 2017

Show notes

Content:

I am on the journey with you, I am with you! Highs and lows, you are my peeps!
The teen saga continues….
Having a teen is like birth, you think you’re so prepared and then…. Reality hits!
Teen brain experiences everything so intensely
Eps 115 was all about trust and surrender
Celebrate the relationship
Using and developing breath as a tool
4:45 Our children are our teachers – they picked us!
We don’t know what we don’t know and our children highlight that for us
Their way of being invites our “stuff” to the surface
We then choose how to respond
End of the day – they are operating from their developmental place, limited skills, brain development
7:50 Parenting is a never-ending growth and development workshop – we can choose to resist or to grow/evolve
9:15 There is a purpose to this journey
Let’s live a life where we are paying attention
Our children show us stepping stones to our own growth
When we choose into growth and learning we can influence the experience we are having
You can only change yourself, you can’t change others
Positive Discipline for Teenagers
Mistakes our kids make can rock our foundation and philosophy around parenting
Being kind and firm at the same time is one of the pillars
Peeling back layers of what that ^^ means
Kindness only = permissive
Firmness only = authoritarian
Kind isn’t NICE, it’s connected, firm is respecting ourselves and the situation
It’s about progress not perfection, and becoming ever more AWARE of what is happening for us
Making agreements is a kind and firm PD parenting tool
Get into our child’s world, here what their needs are, share what we need, make a plan together, declare a deadline, follow through (parents)
“What was our agreement?”
It’s not about being nice while we deliver a consequence…
The invitation is to make agreements with YOUR children
Not necessarily about the problem we solve, instead it is more about the life skills the kids are practicing inside of the agreement-making
Not about finding a solution that lasts forever – every solution has a shelf life

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