Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens

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**Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens**

Welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast – a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescence

This season of parenting is no joke – and while the details of what we are all moving through might be slightly different, we are having a collective experience.

This is a space where we center building relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth.

My name is Casey O’Roarty, I am a parent coach, Positive Discipline LEad Trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sproutable. I am also a speaker and published author. I have been working with parents and families for over 20 years and continue to navigate being a mom with my own two young adult kids.

I am honored that you are here… Please give back to the pod by sharing it with friends, or on social media, and rate and review on Apple or Spotify – work of mouth is how we grow!

Thanks – enjoy the show!

Latest Episodes:

Eps 146: Solo Show - Supporting the Village May 29, 2018

Show notes

Solo show:

Here we are – a new week, another school shooting
Expanding from the family unit and into the community
Choices we have when we see people who need help
We are all in this together – in this life
It takes a village and we have to look out for each other
All kids deserve advocates, not just our kids
What can I do to support connection, feeling felt, feeling understood, inside of my community?
Political conflict in the family…. My story and how my brother saved the day
Conscious parenting is really conscious living
Understanding is not the same as accepting or valuing what others value
Belonging and significance matters for children AND adults
Listening to understand
We get to look out for each other
“I see you”
Declaring to inquire about mentorship at the local HS
What is the action you will take?

Resources mentioned:

Eps 133 – Politics and Parenting

Take the Next Step – Community resource organization

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Eps 145: Deborah Reber is on Talking About Raising Differently Wired Kids May 22, 2018

Show notes

Today’s guest is Deborah Reber, mother of an autistic son, founder of Tilt Parenting to help parents find more peace, joy and support along the way while parenting an atypical child in a conventional world. We are discussing her new book. Join us!

“It's hard to know what to do when you realize your kid is atypical."

"Kids who are exceptional really just means the exception"

"We have to battle our insecurities maybe a little bit more because what we are doing isn't necessarily working."

"Behavior is all information. It isn't personal."

"Judgment is where we create separation."

What you’ll hear in this episode:

The loneliness of raising a differently wired kid
Accommodating kids with invisible differences
Introversion vs extroversion and how they are perceived in the classroom
Applying positive discipline parenting philosophies to differently wired kids
Managing expectations in problem solving when raising neuro atypical kids
Becoming aware of our own judgements of other people's children
How to be a support when you see a child acting out in public
Approaching neuro differences as parents and discussing them with our kids
Educators and parents of neuro-typical kids as allies to parents of neuro atypical kids

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

I just keep thinking bravery. I think the parents who are raising kids who are moving through the world a little differently have to be brave even when they don't feel brave and so I would say, "Keep going back in, when we have a bad day and showing up and being present with bravery. Presence and bravery. Presence has been the thing that has changed my experience with Asher more than any other tool and it's in the presence that I've been able to find joy in our parenting together.

Resources:

Differently Wired

Where to find Deborah:

Tilt Parenting l Facebook l Twitter l Instagram

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Eps 144: Solo Show - is Positive Discipline permissive? No. May 15, 2018

Show notes

SOLO SHOW!!

Teacher posted about a difficult class…

Response about “parenting style” naming “gentle parenting” and followed up with a post about “helicopter parenting, mom and dad are friends, no discipline or consequences….”

Lets talk about this:

The swing from authoritarian to permissive
What is kind and firm
Authoritative – structure and freedom
The most important tool we have for influencing behavior is the relationship we build with our children – that is what this week in the Academy is all about.
No boundaries/limits – not a solid relationship
No voice/ freedom – not a solid relationship
Mutual respect?
Problem solving?
Dignity in tact? – Dignity, the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect.

Helicopter/lawn mower/permissive parenting ROBs children of the discomfort of learning from their mistakes. It robs them of the opportunity of making things right and fixing their mistakes. Robs them of the opportunity for problem solving, accountability, ownership.

Authoritarian parenting ALSO robs kids of opportunity. When we parent from a place that threatens punishment for making mistakes, kids no longer have the luxury of learning how to really think through the decision making process, instead, they learn the “better not do it cuz I don’t want to get into trouble” or “better not get caught”

Authoritarian parenting can often lead to a lack of respect in the relationship.

Guidelines and boundaries INSIDE OF a solid, respectful relationship will increase the likelihood of cooperative, contributing children.

KIND AND FIRM – listen to your body, are you in alignment with your values and what the kid need. There is WISDOM IN THE BODY, PAY ATTENTION.

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Eps 143: Mary Nelsen-Tamborski Talks About Making Mistakes and Being Raised with PD May 08, 2018

Show notes

Today’s guest is Mary Nelsen-Tamborski, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Diego and also a certified positive discipline trainer and parent coach. Mary’s formal training is secondary to the life training she got from her mother, Dr. Jane Nelsen, a marriage and family therapist and author of all the positive discipline books. Mary is a popular keynote speaker, and workshop presenter. We are discussing mistakes as opportunities to learn. Join us!

“I find that these principles are universal so they are great, obviously for parents and children but it's also just human beings in general.”

"The lens that we see our kids out of is everyone being equally worthy of dignity and respect it's no wonder that how we treat our kids , it should be a mirror of how we treat our friends and how we treat our coworkers and the checkers at the grocery store. It's about human to human relationships."

"You have to break down to break through." `

What you’ll hear in this episode:

How positive discipline impacts other relationships in our lives
Positive discipline as a theory and the reality of implementation
Mistakes as opportunities to learn and navigating shame
Solutions oriented problem solving versus consequences
Dealing with your own emotional stuff when encountering challenging behaviour
The role of regular family meetings
The importance of apologies
Making amends after we make mistakes
What to do when you "lose it"
Post-conflict communication and rebuilding closeness
Managing triggers and being called out on your stuff
Learning and growing as a family in positive discipline
Assumptions & consequences - 3 R's & 1 H
Brain development and consequences
Genuine curiosity and asking curious questions to improve communication
Curiosity as a way of being
Shedding ego to engage in a meaningful way
Connecting early to keep the lines of communication open for adolescence
Treating your children as friends - a positive discipline perspective

Resources:

Jane Nelsen’s book Serenity

Where to find Mary:Website

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Eps 142: Collective impact and moving past my whitness May 01, 2018

Show notes

Thank you community! You are all so amazing.

TOGETHER we are making an impact on the world.

Today is a solo show…. I am getting vulnerable once again and shedding light on an area that I am not so proud of AND see as an opportunity for us all to grow as humans in relationship with each other.

The white bubble.

I know I am not the only person that lives a really homogenous life when it comes to diversity. AND, I know that many of you can celebrate LOTS of diversity in your life and relationships.

Today I just wanted to call myself and anyone else in the community out in an effort to DO BETTER. The world is made up of a variety of people, from a diverse pool of cultures, experiences, and backgrounds.

When I look out into the “positive parenting” world, I see lots of white faces. When I think about the people that listen to my show and participate in my community, I see a lot of white faces.

I love all those white faces AND, I am recognizing that I could do more to bring more diverse voices onto the show and into our community – and into MY personal life as well. AND, because I get to speak from the platform of Joyful Courage, I get to be transparent and invite you all to join me.

Whew!

I am excited! We all get to take steps to shift the way the world is currently operating, and those of us with privilege, even if it is simply the color of our skin, have a part to play in that shift. I hope you will join me.

And for those of you in the community who ARE people of color, please feel free to reach out and let me know how I can do better! I value your voice. Help me find guests that can tell stories and give support from a POV that is different from my middle class white woman lens.

I love you all!

Thank you for listening!!

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Eps 141: Local Teen and her Mom on to Talk About Making A DIFFERENCE in the World Apr 24, 2018

Show notes

So thrilled to have Aubrey and Becky Springer on today to talk about how to take small steps to make a big difference.

We all hope that our children will be in service to the world, that they will WANT to make a difference, to make the world a better place.

Today’s show highlights what it can look like when being in contribution to the community is the default for a family – and how the way we impact our kids, through the experiences we invite them into, can impact the world.

“We all belong to each other.” – Mama Becky

Links mentioned:

Support Aubrey’s Project Glennon Doyle Together Rising Union Gospel Mission

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Eps 140: Documentary Filmmaker, Delaney Ruston, is on Talking About Screens and Our Kids Apr 17, 2018

Show notes

Today’s guest is Delaney Ruston, a documentary filmmaker. She believes in helping kids find balance in our tech filled world. She loves engaging audiences in solution centered discussions. We are discussing her work making the film Screenagers and how to support our kids with finding balance. Join us!

“Just start with one simple change that you want to make and the real growth is when you talk about that with your kids and you show them your journey in trying to make that change.”

“Maybe just pick one thing that you could decide to do that you’re not using tech as you normally would.”

“The key, the most absolute important thing about it is starting with something positive about technology.”

“The brain has a really hard time holding two opposite truths at the same time and it’s particularly hard for kids and teens.”

“To find sustainable solutions for tech balance and the child and teen brain we’re going to have to work together.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

The neuroscience of technology use and over-use
The individual child and technology use - micro impacts vs metadata
Setting attainable goals for technology use reduction
The power of changing just one thing
Recognizing the difficulty of cognitive dissonance in conversations about technology
Reducing defensiveness in technology conversations
Why 30% of families are struggling with daily fights about technology
What studies say about parent device use
Distracted parenting and interactions with our kids
Learning new skills: how this changes as kids grow
Self-regulation and parenting involvement in creating limits
Setting aside screen free time as a family
Technology and sleep - setting boundaries for wellness
Guidelines for young kids to set the stage for later technology use
Sleep time, Study time and Family time - technology boundaries
Digital etiquette ideas
When you’ve given up and need to reign things in
Taking stock of how we use our time
How to bring Screenagers into your community
School policies: prevalence of device use in middle and high schools
Impact of device use on academics in middle and high schools

Resources:

Tech Talk Tuesdays

Where to find Delaney:

Screenagersmovie.com l Delaneyruston.com

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Eps 139: Solo Show About Authenticity, Choosing In and Being Awesome Apr 10, 2018

Show notes

Today’s podcast was created in honor of the 159 parents who enrolled and engaged in the #joyfulcourage10.

Today we complete the program, and begin the practice of sustaining the magic and community that was created there, because of the people who showed up vulnerably, authentically, and courageously.

I love what I get to do.

Thank you to each of you that spent the last 10 days building relationship with me and each other. YOU ARE AMAZING!!!

Alright – today’s theme for the show is authenticity and transparency.

Parenting as a journey

Not a secret
No hidden agenda
About being in human relationship

Modeling

Life skills are learned through modeling
Vulnerability and authenticity is learned through modeling
Kicking it up a notch is lifting up and OUT of the modeling and being transparent

Human relationships are messy.

Parenting is messy.

Life-iing is messy.

When we actively, intentionally, decide to SHIFT the way we parent, we set ourselves up to be exposed as flawed humans.

Hello vulnerability
Hello humility
Hello contrary to the “adults are always right”

While the whole Positive Discipline/Positive Parenting approach is SIMPLE – I mean, choose relationship and trust that your children will lean life skills – WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL???

Right, and then we are in life and it is a shit show.

Defeat
Self talk
Comparison-itis
Giving up

Be transparent!

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Eps 138: Peaceful Parenting our Teens with Genevieve Simperingham Apr 03, 2018

Show notes

Today’s guest is Genevieve Simperingham, a counsellor, an AWARE parenting educator, a writer, a group facilitator, meditation teacher and founder of the Peaceful Parent Institute in New Zealand. Over the last 24 years, Genevieve has presented hundreds of workshops and courses. She has parented her own kids using attachment principles and she seeks to empower parents with the tools that result in increased harmony, trust and cooperation in the family unit. We are discussing peaceful parenting our teenagers. Join us!

“It’s about bringing into your parenting not just how you should respond in this situation or in that situation and our different approaches and techniques (which are really, really important) but it’s all about who we are as a person and who our child is as a person and the dynamic and the energy between us.”

“We shouldn’t be in fighter stance simply because we have teenagers.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

What is peaceful parenting and how it is different than some of the more mainstream behaviorist parenting approaches.
The Centre, Connect, Communicate approach
Stress management, self care and healing trauma and how they relate to parenting
The need for authenticity in empathy and curiosity
The biggest hangups for parents around peaceful parenting teenagers
Having tough conversations with your teens without shorting out the connection at the outset
Setting and holding limits within the peaceful parenting framework
Sex, drugs and alcohol use in teens - is it better to allow at home or to restrict?
Reducing power struggles and rebellion
Educating and empowering teens to make their own choices
Reconnecting to move past conflict

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

Joyful courage to me, it connects me with that last bit that we were just talking about, to me it’s about joy we feel in the heart and it takes a lot of courage to reconnect. So to me it’s about opening the heart and allowing the joy, the enjoyment of the relationship, of the connection to come back in and that takes courage. It takes courage to be vulnerable again. It’s easier to be hard and defensive and stern and it takes courage to open the heart come back to the joy of that beautiful connection again.

Resources:

Aware parenting

Where to find Genevieve:

The way of the Peaceful Parent Facebook Group

Facebook

Website

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Eps 137: A solo show to inspire you into ACTION to create the LIFE you want!! Mar 27, 2018

Show notes

Gratitude to the community, specifically my one on one clients and the membership.

Themes
Collective experience
My own filter
Always in the learning, growing, developing
Humaning is simple, not easy

Knowing what we want, not taking action to get there

Identifying what we want
Reading/learning tools/strategies
Sitting on the outside of it
Procrastination
Self talk
Sneak messages
Fear/worthiness/perfectionism

Finding Nemo

Working so hard to get to his goal
Dealing with the monkey mind of dory (is there a metaphor here?)
Perseverance despite fear
Turtle
Come into the current, dude
Less effort
Less resistance
More results
Bigger possibilities

The Secret/ Law of Attraction / FLOW

What is this all about?
The Law of attraction is the belief that by focusing on positive or negative thoughts people can bring positive or negative experiences into their life. The belief is based on the idea that people and their thoughts are both made from "pure energy", and that through the process of "like energy attracting like energy" a person can improve their own health, wealth and personal relationships.
What you think about you bring about
Yes thought AND actively taking steps that move you in that direction
NEMO HAD TO SAY YES AND ENTER THE FLOW TO BE A PART OF THE FLOW

What the heck does this have to do with parenting?

Paying attention to the flow
What makes it easy to be easy going, even when things are challenging?
What do you notice about when your family is more easy going?
Under the surface/foundation
Routines
Common language
Needs are met
Connected
Belonging and significance
Have you defined where you want to flow to take you?
More of a way of being than a destination, unless you are setting specific goals
It is an ACTIVE process – we must be in action
FLOW state shows up because it all becomes easier the more we choose in

Choosing in

I say this a lot
Being a yes
Seizing the opportunities to “practice” the tools
TAKING ACTION

If you want things to BE different then you need to BE different

Interrupting the patters
Discover what your patterns are
Pay attention/mindfulness
Ex – phone use
When do you use it
What do you notice about right before you pick it up?
Where do you use it
What routines can you play with that will interrupt your pattern
DECIDING to do something different/interrupting
Leaving it upstairs in the morning
Ex – getting mad at my teenager/taking her angst personally
When do you do it
What do you notice about right before you yell
Where are you typically when you yell
What routines can you play with that will interrupt your pattern
DECIDING to practice something different
Internal work of allowing HER to be responsible for her feelings and allowing ME to be responsible for mine
Creating a “one liner” that supports me in knowing/sharing where I am at
Taking care of myself
Offering my daughter opportunities to develop tools for taking care of herself – LIFE SKILL
Ex – being resentful that no one “helps”
When do you do it
What do you notice about right before resentment shows up
Where are you typically when you are feeling
What routines can you play with that will interrupt your pattern
DECIDING to practice something different
Creating routines around that particular time of the day
Getting face to face and asking for help
Smiling

Listen, we all thrive in community. We thrive when we are being supported and joined by a bunch of other people who are diving into the practices and the work that we are engaging in. Do yourself a favor and JOIN THE #JOYFULCOURAGE10 – this is EXACTLY what you need to step into your OWN flow of parenting. This is the jumpstart you need to manifest the family vibe that you desire. We are on a collective journey, and the #JC10 is the party bus you didn’t know that you wanted on – disco ball and all!! Sign up RIGHT NOW, we start April 1st – www.joyfulcourage.com/jc10

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