IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

Latest Episodes:

Want to Be a Happy Parent? Stop Parenting by Other's Rules! Jul 28, 2022

Show notes

STOP Parenting By Other's Rules!

Okay, this is something that's come up in some of my recent 1:1 coaching session, and I wanted to bring this to your attention so you can hopefully STOP Parenting By Other's Rules.

I've seen parents trying to parent according to the rules of their teens, their spouse or ex-spouse, or even their parents or in-laws.

The truth is, we all have "rules" for ourselves and others in the form of expectations, requests and manuals.

If you are playing according to someone else's rules, you're not respecting your own rules and role.

The problem is, if you try to parent according to someone else's rules, you will be unhappy.

You will feel the strain of parenting out of alignment with your values.

Give This Gift To Your Teens

Recently, I've been questioning the rules that I've allowed others to put in my life.

This summer we have let my teen miss family events, church events, and other fun things, all in the name of football.

The coaches told my son that kids who are serious about football don't miss practices.

I've taught my son the importance of making his coaches happy and doing whatever they ask so they'll be more likely to give him playing time.

The problem is, I'm reinforcing these "rules", made up by others with the best of intentions, in the life of my teen.

The problems is, I'm reinforcing the subconscious belief that you need to conform to the rules of others.

I'd rather teach him to live by his own rules.

You can give this gift to your teen by showing the example of living by your own rules.

You can also support them when they want to live by a different set of rules.

It's scary as a parent, to allow your teen to think for themselves and choose what rules they will and will not follow, but imagine how much happier your life would be if you weren't so worried about following other people's rules.

This isn't to say that you can live by what ever rules you want without consequences.

But, you can choose what rules you will play by and what consequences and outcomes you want.

Define YOUR Rules and YOUR Role

If you want to stop parenting according to the rules of others, you'll need to take some time to define your own rules.

The first step is to define your role as a parent.

For me, I'm a teacher, coach, advocate, friend, and example.

That's my job. I gave it to myself. I'm pretty good at it, though I still have room for growth.

You get to define your own role.

Next, start understanding the rules you're willing to live by.

For me, I'm willing to pay my taxes. I go to church most Sundays because I want to. These are some of the rules of others that I'm willing to play by.

Here are some rules that I'm not willing to follow, I'm not willing to work a traditional 9-5 job. I want to set my own rules when it comes to my business rather than following traditional employment rules.

Drop Your Rules For Others

A mother that I recently worked with had a few rules for her son.

He should love me.
He should think I'm a good mom.

The problem is, anything you think someone else should do is outside of your control.

So, follow your own rules instead.

I will love me.
I will believe that I'm a good mom.

The truth is, when you free people from the expectation to follow your rules, you liberate them and you liberate yourself.

When you quit trying to live by the rules of others, you free up all that energy to be able to live by your own rules.

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

The Power of Play with Amanda Walker! Jul 21, 2022

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"Send Ben a text"

Amanda Walker is AWESOME!

Amanda is a member of the Firmly Founded Family, expert on the nervous system, and a parenting life coach.

I don't really structure my podcasts guest episodes.

This episode is not different.

The show notes are going to be limited. So, if you want all the good stuff, you're going to have to listen.

Connect with Amanda here:

https://www.wholebrainconnections.com/

Or on Facebook here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/wholebrainconnections

People Connect Through Play

Use play as a tool to connect with your teens.

Find ways to take interest in things that your teen is interested in.

The power of play will bond you to your teen.

This will allow you and your teen to co-regulate.

Play Helps Harness the Power of Your Nervous System

Play helps regulate your nervous system.

Play helps engage your whole brain.

You can co-create things with your teen with play.

Come Connect with Us LIVE and In Person!

Our Summer Slam is Saturday, July 30th from 9:00 am to 9:00 pm.

It will include powerful lessons, fun activities, and an awesome evening filled with board games and connection.

See you there!

https://www.firmlyfounded.com/event

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

A Thriving Family Starts with a Thriving YOU! Jul 14, 2022

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The Biggest Mistake

I get it!

Everyone wants a happy thriving family.

But, most parents make the mistake of focusing on everyone else in their family before they even think about themselves.

The problem is, when you focus on others, you lose power in your own life.

The biggest impact on your family will be to transform your own life.

Stop trying to fix everyone around you and go to work on your own personal growth.

If you want to go from being frustrated and fighting with your teens over screen time, chores, and how you should be more like their friends' parents, focus on these 3 simple things:

Identity and who YOU want to BE.
Connection and YOUR relationships with self and others.
Growth and YOUR personal practice and development.

If you shift your focus to these 3 things, you will find that you have a more clearly defined purpose, deeper relationships with others, and a drive and determination to grow into the person you've always wanted to be.

Come Connect with Us LIVE and In Person!

Our Summer Slam is Saturday, July 30th from 9:00 am to 9:00 pm.

It will include powerful lessons, fun activities, and an awesome evening filled with board games and connection.

See you there!

https://www.firmlyfounded.com/event

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

Why Is Change So Hard? Jul 07, 2022

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You're Not Committed

Have you ever heard the quote, “It's easier to hold your principles 100 percent of the time than it is to hold them 98 percent of the time,.” by Clayton Christensen?

This is the principle of commitment. It's easier to be 100% committed than 98% committed.

If you're struggling to commit, to be committed, work on being committed mentally.

Find your why and commit to it!

You're Not Making Daily Progress

It sounds simple, but momentum builds momentum.

If you're anything like me, one of the things that holds you back from making the changes you want to make is a lack of momentum.

Building momentum is a daily process, and the best way to build momentum is to make daily progress.

If you've been struggling to make the change you want to make, do these 2 simple things:

Start today and do something small.
Make a small and simple plan to do it again tomorrow.

You Don't Have The Support You Need

Most people try to create change all on their own.

I get it.

You might be ashamed that you've let yourself get where you are today.

You might not believe that you can make the change you want.

Whatever your reason for doing it alone, you DON'T have to do it alone.

Get the support you need.

Inside of our Firmly Founded Family membership, we've seen countless parents and teens who have tried everything on their own, but once they got the help they needed, change was easy.

When you build a community around you, you get some huge benefits, like:

Accountability
Support
Different Perspectives
Friends
Examples of New Possibilities

Get the support you need, and start creating real change in your life.

You're Old Ways Are Benefiting You

We do what we think benefits us.

Your habits and patterns are designed to continue getting you the old benefit that the original action, the start of the habit, once got you.

If you're having a hard time making a change, explore these questions:

How is this benefiting me?
What benefit do I get from this?
Why did I want this benefit?
How is this no longer benefiting me?
How would it benefit me to change?

It's Part Of Your Identity

It's really hard to go against your identity.

This is one of the reasons it's so hard for smokers to quit. They identify as "Smokers".

It's easy to identify as your old self or your old habits, but it's not helpful.

Part of what holds you back from making the change you want to make is seeing yourself as you are, or as you used to be, but not being able to see yourself for who you are becoming.

Want to make a powerful change?

Then shift your identity.

Start BEing that dream version of yourself today.

See where you are right now, and create the story in your mind of how it connects to where you want to be.

You're Making It Harder Than It Needs To Be

Sometimes we make change harder than it needs to be.

Explore how the change you want to make can actually be easy.

I've had clients that after exploring how their change could actually be easy found that it actually was easy.

Don't fall into the trap of making your change harder than it has to be simply because it's hard for others, or you thought it would be hard.

Come Connect with Us LIVE and In Person!

Our Summer Slam is Saturday, July 30th from 9:00 am to 9:00 pm.

It will include powerful lessons, fun activities, and an awesome evening filled with board games and connection.

See you there!

https://www.firmlyfounded.com/event

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

7 Signs You Need to Upgrade Your Parenting Immediately Jun 30, 2022

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#1 You're Not Happy With Yourself As A Parent

This one is huge.

Recently I've had a bunch of parents tell me that they're just not happy as a parent. They feel like they could and should be doing more. They feel like they're failing, and they are miserable.

Okay, maybe miserable is a stretch, but they're not happy.

There are lots of things that can cause unhappiness as a parenting. The important thing to understand is that this isn't "bad" or a problem.

#2 You Don't Like Your Teen

Okay, this is another one that I've heard a lot recently. Honestly, what I coach people on often drives my podcast.

You don't have to like your teen.

Not liking your teen doesn't mean that you're a terrible parent.

But, if you're like me, you probably don't like how it feels when you don't like your teen.

Also if you're like me, you probably don't like how you parent when you don't like your teen.

If this is you, and you don't like your teen as much as you'd like, this is simply an indicator of an area for growth.

#3 You Feel Like Your Out of Control

If you feel like you're out of control, you're almost certainly trying to control things and others outside of your control.

If you are like many of the parents inside the Firmly Founded Family membership, you are probably guilty of focusing on things outside of your control from time to time.

Good news, the simple reason why is that you are focusing on things outside of your control.

This too is an indication of a potential area of growth.

#4 You're Parenting Out of Alignment with Your Core Values

One of my favorite lessons that I teach is on values.

I LOVE understanding how values impact my life, my clients lives, and your life.

If you are unhappy, it's probably because you are out of alignment with your values somewhere.

#5 You Can't Communicate with Your Teen

If you and your teen can't communicate, there's a problem. Often times when parents tell me that they can't communicate with their teen, it's because they are trying to avoid a blowup or temper tantrum.

This means you're focusing on things outside of your control.

It's not your job to regulate how your teen thinks, feels, or acts.

Make the effort to communicate with your teen in the way that you feel most comfortable.

For me, it's relaxed, calm, and reassuring.

Even when I'm mad, and we "need to have a tough conversations," I try to be relaxed, calm, and reassuring.

Even if I can't perfectly do that, I still commit to having the conversation.

#6 You Constantly Overwhelmed, Stress, and Worried

Overwhelm, stress, and worry will impact all of your relationship, whether it be with your teen, spouse, or friends or family.

If you constantly feel overwhelmed, stressed, and worried, this is an indicator that you have areas of potential growth.

#7 You're Not Creating the Results that You Want

Ultimately, if you are not creating the results that you want in your family or in your relationship with your teen, you have room for growth.

Your results will always reflect your way's of BEing. Want better results, up-level your parenting!

Call to ACTION!

Come join me in the Firmly Founded Family Membership!

Start being the parent of your dreams building a rock-solid family TODAY!

Doors to the Firmly Founded Family Membership will be closing soon.

JOIN HERE!

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

Choose A Better Stress Response! Jun 23, 2022

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You Don't Have To Be the Victim to Stress

Seems like lately I've seen a lot of posts about stress and anxiety being terrible and traumatic.

Stress gets this terrible wrap, and it seems like most posts talk about the stress response simply being the 4 "F's":

Fight,
Flight,
Freeze, or
Fawn

But these posts completely ignore all of the other possible responses to stress.

Human beings are capable of so many other options when it come to stress response.

Stress has gotten a bad wrap for years.

I remember learning in college that "Stress is a silent killer."

One college class taught that I needed to minimize, manage, and avoid stress.

The problem, we live in a world were people, parents, and teens are doing everything in their power to avoid stress.

What If Stress Isn't A Problem?

I want you to think about some of the greatest people that you know, . . .

. . . people who have really accomplished something and had a powerful impact in the world and possible in your life . . .

. . . people who really inspire and impress you . . .

Then think about this, . . .

What is so wonderful about them?
What about them has impacted/inspired you?
Have they experienced stress?
How did they respond to stress?

The current narrative around stress and anxiety makes it sound like stress equals "game over" or that it's time to stop doing what you're doing.

This narrative gives stress debilitating power to hold you back and limit your growth.

Recently, I watched a documentary about Steve Young, the legendary BYU and 49er quarterback.

Most of his college career was extremely stressful, then in the NFL he was engaged in a stressful and heated quarterback controversy with Joe Montana.

He mentioned how this stress pushed him to try harder, to learn new things, and to become more than he would have without the stress.

There are countless stories about the power of stress from professional athletes to movie stars, powerful leaders, to people in your own life who you look up to.

What if stress isn't the problem?

What if stress is the answer?

Stress Can Make You Stronger

Recently I read an article that stated that stress isn't actually bad, it's the perception that stress is bad that makes it so harmful.

When you look at professional athletes, they regularly subject their physical bodies to physical stress to get bigger and stronger.

The professional athletes who go down in the history books the GOATS, are part of the most stressful high pressure games, and they thrive.

Just like professional athletes, your stressors can be the mental and emotional workout that makes you mentally and emotionally stronger.

Some of the greatest figures in world history were the product of very stressful lives.

Nelson Mandela was in prison for 27 years. He was subjected to a lot of stress, and this helped him become the man he was, and a global leader.

Stop lookin at stress as a problem, and start looking at it as an opportunity.

Options for a Better Stress Response...
Check them out at https://firmlyfoundedparent.com/106

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

Stop Reacting to Distractions! Jun 16, 2022

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Distractions 101

It's human nature to be easily distracted.

In fact, distractions aren't necessarily all that bad.

It reminds me of this dumb game that my kids play. They pretend to punch each other in the face, and if the other child flinches, the first child says, "two for flinching" and slugs them in the shoulder twice.

Flinching isn't bad. It's a protective reflex.

Being distracted isn't bad, it's part of our human nature to always be on the lookout. To always be looking for the next amazing thing.

The problem is when our distractions run our lives.

The problem is when our distractions put us in a hyper-reactionary mode.

The problem is that our distractions aren't likely to create the dreams of our lives.

It's Not Just Your Teen!

One of the things that I'm noticing with a lot of parents is they they are worried about how distracted their teens have become.

Parents tell me things like:

"They're always looking at their phones or social media."
"They only think about their friends."
or
"They don't even notice what's going on in the real world."

Now, let me share with you what teens are telling me about their parents:

"They're always looking at their phones or social media."
"They only think about their work."
or
"They don't even now what it's going on in the real world."

Are You Driven By Distracted

Everything and everyone seems to be fighting for a little slice of our attention.

Everything is trying to be the loudest, brightest, most shocking thing, just to get our attention.

What is distracting you?

For me it's things like the Will Smith Slap or the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial.

Sometimes it's my kids grades or games on my phone.

What are you being distracted from?

Often I'm distracted from uncomfortable emotions or things that I don't want to do.

How is distraction benefitting you?

It might be relaxing. It might be easier than doing something hard.

What is distraction costing you?

Sometimes it costs me relationships, my dreams, and my future.

Distraction Leads to Reaction

I Googled the opposite of distraction and this is what I found.

The Opposite of Distraction is Traction. Traction is an action that moves us towards what we really want.

If we dig into this we see that "traction" is an intentional action or (DOing).

Distraction is keeping you from being intentional.

Distraction leads to reaction.

Let go of distractions so you can be more intentional.

Your Distractions Program you and Define Your Reality

Advertisement, media, television and social media are all distractions.

These distractions are trying to program us to purchase their products.

Identify What distractions are keeping you from your desired results?

Distractions can keep you from having the relationship that you want.

Distractions will keep you from BEing who you want to be.

Distractions will keep you from connecting with your family.

Distractions will keep you from growing.

Come Connect with Us LIVE and In Person!

Our Summer Slam is Saturday, July 29th from 9:00 am to 9:00 pm.

It will include powerful lessons, fun activities, and an awesome evening filled with board games and connection.

See you there!
https://firmlyfounded.com/event

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

Working with Teens with Cynthia Coufal Jun 09, 2022

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Regulating Emotions

It's important for teens to learn how to regulate their emotions.

Teens have the power to regulate.

Teens Need Their Privacy when Getting Coached

There's no right or wrong way to coach.

It's important to give teens privacy and let them be vulnerable.

Teen Work Benefit from Working On What They Want To Work On

Teens need the freedom to work on things that are important to them.

They will learn powerful skill in areas that are important to them, than they can also apply in all areas of their life.

Let teens start building on their strengths.

Recommended Components

Want to Connect with Cynthia Coufal?

https://www.betterregulatethannever.com/ (website)

https://www.betterregulatethannever.com/podcast (podcast)

https://www.betterregulatethannever.com/2free

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

Keys to Effective Family Meetings Jun 02, 2022

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Why Do Family Meetings?

Increased communication
Plan Activities
Address Problems
Give Family Members a Voice
Model/Teach Leadership and Communication Skills
Get people on the same team

Common Mistakes

Not respecting the opinions, thoughts, views, and values of others,
Trying to change others.
Lecturing/Arguing
Not having a clear purpose
Giving away your power

Recommended Components

Clear Purpose and Intention
- Tackle just one topic
- Come to the meeting with an idea of where you want the meeting to go.
Invite All To Participate/Have a Voice/Vote
- Everyone is invited to share and be heard.
- Everyone gets to vote.
Value Driven/Respect/Understand other's Values Might Be Different
- Understand what your values are
- Seek to understand what your teen's values are.
- Reinforce values.
Critical Concepts
- We like to reinforce concepts like:
- Fairness
- Concerned
- Effective
- Enjoyable/Fun
Advantages and Disadvantages
- Explore as a family what possible advantages and disadvantages are.
- Define the pros and cons.
Positive and Negative Consequences
- What might some positive consequences be?
- What might some negative consequences be?
- How can you reinforce the outcome with positive and negative consequences.
Keep it Simple and Short
- Keep these meetings between 15 to 20 minutes.
- You know your family best, end before people lose attention.
Reward People for Participating
- We like to do a desert or an activity to help motivate our family to participate.
- Make it fun and rewarding.
Practice at the Top and the Bottom of the Wheel
- Be willing to practice this many times.
- Do family meetings about fun topics to build the habit before tackling tough topics.

Join our Family!

Human beings are herd animals. We are unintentional about most of the herds we are a part of.

You have the opportunity to intentionally join a herd of like-minded parents who want to grow! You can be part of a herd that will help grow and develop.

Want to join the Firmly Founded Parent?

Join now while the doors are open. They close again on June 5th.

https://www.firmlyfounded.com/parent

Want to join the Firmly Founded Teen?

Join now while the doors are open.

https://www.firmlyfounded.com/teen

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

How to be Brave with Jackson May 26, 2022

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What Is Bravery?

Bravery is facing your fear.

Bravery is a choice.

The world would have you believe that bravery means the absence fear, but I believe bravery is facing your fear and BEing intentional.

Like, brave people don't experience fear, but this isn't true.

Brave people experience fear, just like you, but they have mastered the skill of BEing intentional in the face of their fear.

Bravery Requires Fear

Fear is not the enemy.

In fact, fear is a required emotion for bravery and courage.

BEing brave actually increases your emotional health because it requires that you experience, identify, and process emotions.

One of the most powerful things that you can do as a parent is to lean into your fear and choose to be brave.

This will show your teen a powerful example of BEing brave, of being intentional in the face of uncomfortable emotion.

How Fear Affects You As a Parent

Through the years that I’ve coached parents and teens, I’ve noticed a few things about fear.

NOBODY likes how they behave when they’re being driven by fear.

NOBODY!

When you parent from a place of fear, your brain goes into overdrive to find all the things that you “should” be scared of.

If you’re like me, fear makes you more controlling, less trusting, and it shifts your focus from things within your control to things outside of your control.

How To Manage Your Parenting Fears

Identify and Acknowledge Your Fear
- Get to know what your afraid of.
- Understand it.
- Acknowledge that you are afraid and that it’s okay.
Mentally Go There
- If you are scared, you are likely focusing on things outside of your control, and you are likely catastrophizing.
- Understand that and mentally go there.
- Picture yourself in the experiencing the thing that you fear.
Decide Who You Want to BE In The Face of Your Fear
- This is hard, but explore, who you want to be in the face of your fear.
- See yourself BEing that way in the face of your fear.
- Understand why you want to be that way.
Explore How That Way Of BEing Would Apply To Your Best Case Scenario
- Once you’ve identified who/how you want to be in the worst case scenario, your fear, see how that would serve you in the best case scenario.
- How does this way of being apply to both scenarios?
Practice BEing The Parent Of Your Dreams
- Now, get back to reality and practice BEing the parent of your dreams.
- This doesn’t make the fear go away, but it gives you a guide for how you want to be.
- This shifts your focus back to the one thing you can control, YOURSELF!

Join our Family!

Human beings are herd animals. We are unintentional about most of the herds we are a part of.

You have the opportunity to intentionally join a herd of like-minded parents who want to grow! You can be part of a herd that will help grow and develop.

Want to join the Firmly Founded Parent?

Join now while the doors are open. They close again on June 5th.

https://www.firmlyfounded.com/parent

Want to join the Firmly Founded Teen?

Join now while the doors are open.

https://www.firmlyfounded.com/teen

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz