Freedom from Attachment

Latest Episodes:

#648 Emotional Unavailability--What’s the Cure? (REBROADCAST) Jul 12, 2022

Show notes

Your relationship with yourself is reflected in your relationships with others. If you didn’t receive much unconditional love as a kid, you do not know what it’s like to give yourself love and attention. And if you don’t give those to yourself, others won’t be able to give them to you because you teach people how to treat you. Disregard your own feelings and other people will follow your lead. You also can’t receive what doesn’t already exist inside you, so if you’re looking for someone to fill an internal void, it won’t work. You will continue to struggle with your relationships if you do not become emotionally available to yourself first. So how do you become more emotionally available to yourself? Start owning and valuing your own feelings. This will be uncomfortable because you’ve probably spent your life avoiding and/or discounting them. But if you don’t value your feelings, no one else will. You will continue looking for people who give you breadcrumbs of love and attention because it’s what’s familiar. Your feelings matter—even the ones that seem silly, stupid or wrong. Accept and embrace ALL of them. Do that and you’ll build your value, which in turn will make you more open, loving and emotionally available.

#647 You Have the Ability. You Can Handle It! Jul 05, 2022

Show notes

Think about something in your life that you continually complain about. Maybe it’s a partner who won’t commit, or your inability to get past a first date. Do you feel defeated and/or concerned you can’t have what you want? As with many things, it boils down to a lack of self-worth. If you believed in yourself, you wouldn’t worry so much. By contrast, look at the things you don’t sweat. Maybe it’s constructive feedback at work or squabbles with a family member that happen over and over, but don’t get you down. Whatever it is, if it’s something you do well or aren’t afraid of losing, you’re usually not concerned about it. The areas where you DO get wrapped up in concern are what you want to pay attention to. In this podcast we’ll look at what you get hung up on, believing it’s elusive, and why. Awareness will help you stop the behavioral patterns that can lead to self-sabotage. Because you ARE capable of handing life, even when it doesn’t go the way you want.

#646 Choosing Partners To Ensure You Stay Anxious (REBROADCAST) Jun 28, 2022

Show notes

Anxiety and insecure attachment often go hand-in-hand. I’ve thought about this a lot recently because my boyfriend has no real concept of anxiety and that horrible feeling I used to have that I might die. Why? Because he’s securely attached. It’s helped me see how far I’ve come in my own growth because I don’t suffer like I used to, but at the same time I realize how much anxiety played a role in my life, especially with the partners I chose. I used to pick men who had their own issues around insecure attachment, which reflected all of my insecurities and perpetuated this cycle of unease. Healthy relationships based in secure attachment are NOT characterized this way, but I didn’t have a clue; I thought my relationship experiences were perfectly normal. If you’re not honest with yourself about who you’re choosing and why, you’ll keep focusing on people who reflect your own insecurities, increase your anxiety and aren’t available for emotional support. When in an anxious state, you don’t make choices based on what you want… you unknowingly make them out of fear. You choose relationships that enable you to relive childhood fears of abandonment, creating a constant state of insecure anxiety. To become more secure, you have to consistently connect with those out-of-control feelings. You have to stop engaging in behavior which perpetuates the cycle of making your problems worse, and look at where you are emotionally closed. When you’re able to get to the point where you’re no longer watching the other person to see what happens, it’s a sign you’ve loosened anxiety’s grip on you.

#645 I Can’t Let Go! My “Best Friend” Connection to My Ex (REBROADCAST) Jun 21, 2022

Show notes

Having trouble detaching from a toxic relationship that is over because you swear he or she was your best friend? You try “no contact” and focus on yourself, which is great until you hear from them and lose all the ground you gained. You get sucked back into the hope that he or she has become the person you believed they could be, you know the best friend you imagined them to be plus more (lover, partner, et al). You hold onto fantasies and expectations about the day they will finally wake up and get it. Does that happen? No, but you aren’t able to detach. It’s hard to commit to your own well-being when you can’t let go. No matter how many times this person has hurt you, you may still feel this “best friend” connection to them, which is a painful place to live; especially if they have moved on and are in a relationship with someone else. Don’t fight against your feelings—they are real and should be acknowledged—but look at what is actually happening. The more you see what’s true, the more clarity you’ll have around what you’re actually attached to. Ask yourself if you were putting this person on a pedestal and giving the relationship more meaning than it deserved. You want to matter enough to yourself to be able to move on so you’re not stuck in a situation where you receive breadcrumbs.

#644 Moving On to a Healthy and Thriving Life! with Polly Bateman Jun 15, 2022

Show notes

As a kid, Polly wanted to be anyone other than herself. She felt like a weird kid and was uncomfortable in her own skin. Growing up in a tumultuous household with an aggressive and violent stepfather, Polly learned early on to tune into nonverbal cues, something that has served her well as a coach. As she got older, she naturally gravitated toward relationships with men who treated her poorly. Because of her low self-esteem, she put up with cheaters. She thought that’s what she deserved even though it broke her every time. Later she realized she let others treat her badly because she didn’t have a loving relationship with herself. “The level of empathy you have for other people directly correlates with the level of empathy you have for yourself.” Join me for some straight talk with Polly about how our experiences “code” us, how we reflect our intolerance onto others, how a picture of yourself as a child can be a powerful healing tool and much more. She’ll share a big wakeup call she had 11 years AFTER she started coaching that led to big shifts in her life and career. Today Polly works with entrepreneurs, C-suite executives, athletes and more to disrupt their beliefs and self-imposed barriers that limit their potential. She also created “The Grumpit,” a character and self-help storybook that helps children build self-esteem and grow their confidence. Learn more about Polly and her work: Website: https://thepollybateman.com/ Instagram: @thepollybateman Linkedin: @thepollybateman/

#643 From Attachment to Fabulous! Jun 14, 2022

Show notes

Imagine what it would be like not to beat yourself up all the time, or to stop shaming yourself for the mistakes you’ve made. What would it be like to tell your inner critic to shut up, and instead make choices that feel good to you? I’ll tell you what it would feel like: it would be fabulous. I know this because that’s where I live now… although I used to have a very different address. I used to think my best life hinged on my partner. If things were great with him, my life would be peachy. Well, that’s not called fabulous; that’s called attachment. If you are making (bad) decisions because of the person you’re attached to, you are not living your best life. Those decisions come from fear of losing the relationship, not from love. They come from scarcity, not abundance. When you stay in attachment, your world becomes very small. In this week’s podcast I’ll help you identify what you actually want and start making decisions that feel good. Because you deserve fabulous!

#642 Stop Fighting Your Attachment (REBROADCAST) Jun 07, 2022

Show notes

When insecurely attached to someone, you probably react to them in one of three ways (depending on your mood or day of the week): wanting to run away screaming, clinging like a piece of moss or numbing yourself so you don’t feel much of anything. This back-and-forth can make you feel crazy and out of control, like you are trying to cut an invisible cord between you and the other person. But you can’t cut it and you are stuck in struggle. Perhaps your partner says he/she will commit, but never does, so you keep looking externally for answers. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work and just perpetuates the struggle. Instead of fighting the anxiety and frustration of your current situation, stop. Struggle is a choice, so give yourself permission to be right where you are. You can continue going in circles or you can surrender to where you are right now and accept all of your feelings around it. It’s ok to feel stuck, it’s ok to feel frustrated, it’s ok to feel crazy. Allow all of it, then be curious about what you can learn. When you are able to say, “Ok, I am tied to this person right now but I’m going to dig deeper into what I am attracted to and why,” you will move away from struggle and eventually outgrow the situation.

#641 How Do I Love Me When I Am So Focused on the Idea of Others Loving Me? May 31, 2022

Show notes

You can picture it: that special someone loving you, supporting you, giving to you, doing things for you. You have a vision for how your life will be when that person is in it (and it’s a lot better than your life is now!). If it doesn’t happen, you imagine yourself crumbling into a million pieces. It HAS to happen. This can be a desperate feeling full of shame, believing if you don’t find that person, it means you’re worthless. You need them to love you so YOU can love you. But, my friends, that’s backwards. First you must focus on loving yourself. That’s not always easy, especially if your parents didn’t know how to show you love and affection. In this week’s podcast we’ll use a journaling exercise to explore the emptiness you feel, and what it would be like to have someone love you so you can start directing those things toward yourself. You can choose to live in a fantasy of what being loved would be like, or you can take steps toward creating it. Reality is available to you, and it’s so much better than the dream.

#640 Moving On to a Healthy and Thriving Life! with Petia Kolibova May 25, 2022

Show notes

Petia grew up in the Czech Republic, and from an early age, she was a people pleaser. She learned from her abusive stepdad that everything had to be perfect. Petia washed dishes and cleaned the house while her little brother watched TV, yet her deepest desire was to be loved. Not getting the love she wanted, Petia developed an eating disorder at age 11 which she struggled with for two decades. At 18 she ran away from home and even attempted suicide. Gravitating toward what she knew, her relationships were often with abusive men who cheated on her. She went through life believing something was wrong with her, yet a deeper feeling tugged at her, telling her there was more. With the help of a mentor, Petia identified her core values and realized that her choices in life actually went against those values. She also saw how she lost herself in relationships, catering to her partner’s needs while ignoring her own. Join me for a lively conversation with Petia where we talk about self-love, surrender, manifesting (which is how she met her current husband), Human Design and more. Today she works as a transformational coach and podcast host of “Unapologetically Abundant,” helping women align with who they are and creating abundance in their lives. Learn more about Petia and her work here: Website: https://petiakolibova.com/ Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/petia-kolibova-coach/ FacebookGroup: https://www.facebook.com/groups/unapologeticallyabundant IG: www.instagram.com/petiakolibova

#639 When Your Whole World Goes to S**T, What Do You Do? May 24, 2022

Show notes

You find out your partner is cheating the same day your bathroom floods. Then you call your friend on the way to the hardware store and get rear ended. We’ve all had days like that (ok, maybe not exactly like that!), but those days or series of days where the world feels like it’s conspiring against you. And of course, the first question you ask is WHY? What did you do to deserve this? It feels like your life is falling apart before your eyes. We like to believe that if we’re good girls and boys, life will go our way. Unfortunately, that’s not how things work. Sometimes the s**t hits the fan. Not because you’re bad, but because life does life. I have been challenged with this lately with my husband in the hospital. I can control my thoughts, my actions, my feelings and my words, but I can’t control life. I can’t pick and choose the outcomes I want. In this week’s episode we’ll talk about that desire for control and letting go of it. How to look at what you’re holding onto and why. How to be emotionally present and process your feelings instead of avoiding them. Because you still have choices, even when it feels like life has turned its back on you. Maybe the way forward is different than you thought, but you can absolutely keep on truckin’.

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