Flying Free

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**Flying Free**

Flying Free is a support resource for women of faith who need hope and healing from hidden emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, and narcissistic abuse. Because of misogynistic theology taught in controlling and spiritually abusive churches, many Christian women find themselves in destructive marriages where there is an uneven power dynamic. Male partners use their status as a husband to gain power and control over a woman’s mind, emotions, body, social life, finances, and more. When she tries to get help from her equally abusive church environment, she is betrayed and re-abused. Flying Free offers a Christ-centered, gospel-oriented perspective on domestic abuse that protects and honors the voices and autonomy of women. Tune in each week to hear conversations with emotional abuse advocates and fellow survivors who will walk with you on your journey up and out. We hear you. You are not alone. Learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

Latest Episodes:

What Does It Mean to Find Yourself After Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship? [173] May 31, 2022

Show notes

It’s a thief.

Abuse robs us of the truth about ourselves.

Abuse steals our sense of safety.

Abuse consumes our time and energy.

And when we’re overwhelmed by all that abuse has taken from us, we can’t focus on the future or growth or discovery—the things that feed our soul and nurture our lives.

So how do we find that little girl full of dreams again? How do we connect to the young woman who had stars in her eyes? Where’s the door to a sense of belonging and self and fulfillment? How do we build a future on a busted-up past?

I’ve led many women through these questions. And we have to start by getting very precise. Because we don’t find our lives…we create them.

The specifics of this episode:

Why staying vague with your questions means you’ll never swipe the answers you want
Which two questions to ask to reclaim what you’ve lost
The reason “open to interpretation” and “finding yourself” are kissing cousins (ewww)
How interrupting is a good thing (when it comes to hijacking your thoughts)
What checking in means and why you should do it (a way to snatch back your reality)
Why there are so many definitions for who we are (and you get to nick whichever one you want)
How we can be pickpockets of discovery..for life! (I swear, this is all on the up and up)

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Protect Yourself From Financial Abuse with Attorney Lisa Zeiderman [172] May 24, 2022

Show notes

The thought of contacting a lawyer made her sick. To live through her abusive marriage was hard enough. Would she have to bare all the details of her twisted reality to someone…and pay them for it? Where would she get the money for that, especially since her husband was hiding his paychecks?

Is your story anything like this?

I get the hesitation. The fear, the dread, and disgust. Bringing somebody else into your messy life is humiliating. But (and this is a really big but(t)), there are so many really important reasons to contact a lawyer when you’re in an abusive marriage. Because protecting yourself from financial abuse isn’t easy or simple, and it takes someone who knows what they’re doing.

Which leads us to questions. You have so many questions.

So I invited a lawyer who’s at the top of her game to answer the questions women just like you want (and need) answered.

Because this knowledge is worth its weight in gold. And your protection is worth even more than that.

This episode answers:

What are the signs of financial abuse?
What can you do if you’re being financially abused?
Why is mediation with a narcissist like a waiting room (a very pointless, expensive one)?
How can I survive financially if I get a divorce?
My husband racked up credit card debt; am I responsible to pay it off if we divorce?
Can I file for sole legal custody if my husband shows no interest in the kids?
My husband is hiding assets but I have no proof; what can I do?
Is it financial abuse to keep all his earnings to himself?
What can I do if my husband refuses to pay bills?
Will my husband’s higher income be taken into account when dividing debt during divorce?
What can I do if my husband refuses to obey court orders, like paying alimony/child support? (HINT: garnishing wages has nothing to do with salad; who knew?)
Why is life insurance important when alimony/child support is being paid?
Should I keep utilities/mortgage in my name?
And more!

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

Related Resources:

Read Lisa’s popular blog on Legal Matters: Understanding mental health issues as they apply to divorce and child custody.
Read more about Lisa on her website.
Visit the Savvy Ladies site to learn more about how this organization champions the advancement of self-reliant, financially educated women.
If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com
I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download
You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com
And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Lisa Zeiderman is a matrimonial attorney, certified family law specialist, certified divorce financial analyst, and managing partner at Miller Zeiderman LLP, based in New York. She was named to the Crain’s New York list of Notable Woman Attorneys for 2022, a Hudson Valley Best Lawyer in 2022, and a 2021 Best Family Law Attorney for Client Satisfaction by the American Institute of Family Law Attorneys. She also serves as the vice president of the board of Savvy Ladies, Inc., a nonprofit helping reduce economic and racial disparities in financial education for women.

We Are Like the God We Worship [171] May 17, 2022

Show notes

I have a confession.

I’m a recovering asshole.

Years ago, I had a friend. Her husband cheated on her. Then, he did it again. He kept cheating on her. He wasn’t sorry.

Do you know what I told her to do?

Stay with him. Pray and stay. Worse, I was proud to tell her this advice. Because I was God’s girl scout, and I knew best.

Now, I can easily imagine the grief and further pain my words and assumptions added to her heartbreak. I thought everything was black and white. A + B = C, every time. Life was a math problem, and I had the answer.

Boy, did I eat crow (and that’s just one example).

But in many ways, I’m no different than everybody else. And there IS an equation that applies to us all:

Our thoughts make our feelings. Our feelings make our beliefs. And our beliefs make us.

We become what we believe. We are like the god we worship.

What’s your god like? And what do you do when someone else’s god says you’re bad?

The confession progression:

5 little “g” gods most people choose from (guess which one I loved)
Real justice versus the imitation
3 ways to feel only love when people assassinate your character
Being curious instead of an asshole (it takes some work, but it’s worth it)
The Equation, Part 2 (extended cut): Your treatment of yourself = Your treatment of others; Your treatment of yourself and others = Your view of God
Chicken dinners and the future (in case you’re stuffed full of crow too)
My skincare routine (it’s not made of crow, I promise)
Social distancing for smart people

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

Does the Bible Say I Have to Give My Abusive Husband Sex on Demand? [170] May 10, 2022

Show notes

You’re not a toaster.

No matter what you've been taught by religious leaders, you’re not a thing to be used.

No matter what you’ve been told by your husband, you’re not an appliance to be owned.

No matter what you’ve come to believe about yourself, you’re not property — at the mercy of a spouse who wants toast on demand.

If you've found yourself tormented over how you’re treated in your marriage, especially when it comes to sex, and you waver between disgust and despairing “submission,” I have a new bottom line for you.

It's four little letters, and it never justifies your mistreatment.

In this episode:

Why using the Bible to justify marital rape is a violation of God’s heart, your value, and marriage
The amount of education I have in this field (and why it doesn’t matter)
What three-year-olds and believing the moon is made of cheese have to do with this issue
Why evolving beliefs are a sign of faith and humility, not sin and arrogance
The reason I’m okay with you completely disagreeing with me (really)

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

Different Ways Emotional Abusers Don't Take Responsibility for Their Behavior [169] May 03, 2022

Show notes

"He wants to treat me better. He just doesn’t know how."

"He says he’s sorry. He really hates how he acts."

"He’s struggling. He can’t help it."

Do you have these thoughts about your husband?

Have these thoughts led to anything good? More peace? Change (on his part)? Hope that lasts? A better marriage? A never-ending bucket of fried chicken?

Didn’t think so.

I have some other thoughts to offer. You can take them or leave them. They might seem cynical and hopeless on the surface. But I believe they’re the means to all the things you’re hoping for…except one.

This episode comes with not one but two guarantees:

Adults have 100% control over their behavior. And you have a 0% chance of making someone grow or change when they don’t want to.

The episode highlight reel:

Why acknowledging wrongdoing means nothing (if the wrongdoer is abusive)
Why his apologies mean squat (if the behavior continues)
Why WHAT he’s doing matters and WHY he’s doing it means next to nothing
Why saying he wants to grow means bupkes (if he doesn’t)
Why an abuser giving “God’s” advice has zero authority
Why your opinion on all of this matters and everybody’s else’s means zip

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

The Worst Things People Say to Justify, Minimize, and Excuse the Abuse You’ve Experienced [168] Apr 26, 2022

Show notes

I have two presents for you.

One is a regift. The other is brand-spanking, hot-off-the-waffle-press new.

First, I compiled some of the best (and by “best” I mean absolute trash and worst) things people say to Christian women in abusive marriages when they seek help or divorce.

Second, I’m giving you a comeback. A burn-it-to-the-ground, shred-it-to-cheddar-cheese, drop-the-mic, break-the-wrist-and-walk-away comeback for every single one.

I know how hard it is to stand before people who attack your character, deny your reality, determine your destiny, and demand your unquestioning allegiance…to your own destruction (in this case…as a married woman). The endless, useless, conflicting platitudes they give instead of real help and logical advice.

I also know how gutted you feel, how tongue-tied and mind-mushed you are when people spout off what sounds holy and bossy and right but is actually idiotic and damaging.

So unwrap your presents (press play) and revel in the ridiculous while I slaughter these silly arguments once and for all.

And you can regift these babies with my blessing.

In this episode:

The stupid strawman: “It takes two to tango.”
The annoying adage: “You’re not perfect either.”
The pointless platitude: “Christians are called to suffer well.”
The ridiculous reasoning: “Hurt people, hurt people.”
The airheaded argument: “Your husband isn’t acting like a Christian, so he’s now your mission field.”
Cooking-with-gas comebacks for these…and more.

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

Am I Responsible for Fixing My Husband? [167] Apr 19, 2022

Show notes

If you break abuse down to the nitty-gritty, at its heart is something called “emotional childhood.” Abusers think everybody should make their life work. Everyone should cater to their whims. Everybody is responsible for their emotions. For fixing them, moment by moment. They shouldn’t have to do anything. Like a stunted emotional child.

If you’re a wife in this situation, you come to believe that you are supposed to fix your husband. You think you’re the only one who can (and that “fixing” him is even possible).

Any movement to protect yourself, to detach, to assign responsibility to him for HIS OWN LIFE and CHOICES, feels like betrayal and selfishness and just plain gross. Your husband and many religious people would agree.

Which leads us right back to: Am I responsible for fixing my husband? Is detaching from him to protect myself wrong?

I’ve been asked these questions hundreds—if not thousands—of times, so I’ve fleshed out an answer that addresses them AND all those icky rabbit trails in your mind.

And unlike what you’ve been told in church, online, or by your husband, this answer doesn’t require you to throw yourself in a pool to save a person who wants to drown…and drag you under too.

Get clear explanations like:

What detachment really is (and why it’s so good and necessary)
2 helpful lists highlighting how children think/express themselves (so helpful if you know you’re not living from your values but you’re not sure why)
Signs you’re living in emotional childhood
The difference between emotional adulthood and emotional childhood
Why getting out of abuse doesn’t stop the thought/behavior patterns you’ve learned in destructive relationships (women can get free and still live chained lives if they don’t realize this)
How to make decisions from peace and wisdom instead of denial and fear (doing this will lead to a level of satisfaction and success you’ve only dreamed of!)
And more!

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

How Churches Can Help Abuse Victims (And How They Often Hurt Them Instead) [166] Apr 12, 2022

Show notes

It’s hammer time.

I’ve broken down the problems churches face when abuse victims come forward (along with how churches usually react). Then, I smash through the fallacies their hurtful behavior is constructed on. Finally, I provide the building blocks of how to respond to abuse like Jesus did, so the church can be a tool of healing instead of just…tools.

Cause there’s no point in demoing a building if you don’t intend to build something better.

Here’s how the real church should respond to women begging for help from abusive partners.

This tool belt of an episode hits on:

How to drill down to the truth (who the actual abuser is) when a partner reports abuse and asks for help
Why churches often leave victims with one impossible option (like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole)
What love truly means in this situation (it’s not a saved marriage)
How asking questions can help the church measure twice and cut once (for example: What would motivate a victim to lie? Would a true abuser come forward for help? What does the victim gain by admitting what’s going on? And more)
Why letting the chips (and sawdust) fall where they may is foundational
The blueprints in a nutshell: Giving the victim her own power drill

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

How Do I Know What Is Real or True When My Husband Gaslights Me? [165] Apr 05, 2022

Show notes

Is the last thing you googled, “Am I crazy?” or “Why does my husband hate me?” or the literal title of this episode?

Bleh. Living in such horrible, constant confusion can make us obsessive. Not crazy obsessive. The “desperate for answers” kind. The “I’m living in purgatory and I hate it!” kind. The “Is it me even though I’m trying so hard?” kind.

If you’re looking for a fixed point of reference—a way to know what’s real and true, then you’ve stumbled across something better than 6.84 million Google results. Because I’m going to answer your question in incredible detail.

In this episode, I lay all the cards on the table:

The messages this crazymaking makes in our brains (which are much more dangerous than the crazymaking and abuse)
Why your husband’s behavior is not actually creating the problems (WHAT?!? Hear me out.)
The ONE THING you keep giving your husband that you need to give yourself instead
Why trusting a man who lies means you can’t trust someone more important (it’s a nasty cycle)
Resources to help you get off this hamster wheel of horror…for keeps

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

How Not to Be an Ass [164] Mar 29, 2022

Show notes

“How Not to Be a Meanie” doesn’t hit the same, does it?

“How Not to Act Out Patriarchal Theology, AKA ‘A Chocolate-Covered Turd’” is probably too long.

And Andrew Bauman wants to get the attention of men who have bought into domination and called it love, and control and called it protection. The men who feel entitled to women’s bodies and minds and service, all in the name of God. Asses.

How does he tackle the problem? One donkey-sized piece at a time.

This jam-packed episode includes:

The unavoidable word “ass”
What to do if you’re told your husband’s porn addiction is your fault or no big deal (the aud-ass-ity!)
Why real change isn’t a made bed and an open Bible (it’s actually sooooo boring)
5 quick, clear, key differences between a safe man and a giant ass
How to love the duck you have instead of trying to make it into a cat (we aren’t quacks, we swear)
What Andrew thinks of marriage intensives/counseling for emotionally abusive men (a hard p-ass)
Why ass-king the question, “Does your husband know how to use a phone?” is more about you than him (and how it will change your ass-essment of your marriage)

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

Related Resources:

Connect with Andrew on Facebook.
Snag or recommend Andrew’s book: How Not to Be an *SS: Essays on Becoming a Good & Safe Man.
If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com
I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download
You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com
And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Andrew J. Bauman is a licensed mental health counselor with a master’s degree in counseling psychology from The Seattle School of Theology & Psychology. He’s the author of How Not to Be an *SS, The Sexually Healthy Man, Floating Away, Stumbling Toward Wholeness, The Psychology of Porn, and (with his wife Dr. Christy Bauman) A Brave Lament, a book and award-winning film. He’s also the founder and director of the Christian Counseling Center for Sexual Health & Trauma.

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