Flying Free

Latest Episodes:

Confronting Religious Trauma and Reconstructing Faith [192] Oct 11, 2022

Show notes

“I’m going to be ninety-two next month, and I have waited my entire life for a book like this.”

A woman said this to Tiffany after she spoke to a Sunday School class about her book, “Gaslighted by God: Reconstructing a Disillusioned Faith.”

Many Christians are told their doubts are a sign they haven’t prayed or fasted enough. That their spiritual frustrations are an indication they’re backsliding. That they just don’t have enough faith.

Do you feel a sense of futility over ever measuring up as a Christian? Ever pleasing God? Ever nailing down the formula for blessing or meeting the mark for making yourself small enough?

Tiffany wrote “Gaslighted by God” to give a voice to the pain of devoted Christians whose faith is cracking under the abuse of legalism, who are desperately clinging to beliefs that are hurting them, and who need to know it’s not their fault.

In this episode:

What spiritual anxiety is and how it manifests
The significance of Tiffany screaming at a church sign
Why the Christian “answer” for everything is so damaging
The similarities between a space chimp and shell-shocked WWI veterans and what we experience because of legalistic theology
How Jesus expanded the definitions of sin to protect the vulnerable, not add a bigger burden
So much more!

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

Related Resources:

Reach out to Tiffany on her website.
Read her incredible book, Gaslighted by God.
If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com
I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download
You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com
And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Tiffany Yecke Brooks is the lead or contributing writer on more than two dozen books, including multiple New York Times bestsellers. She is the coauthor of Fear Is a Choice: Tackling Life’s Challenges With Dignity, Faith, and Determination (with NFL running back James Conner), Limitless: The Power of Hope and Resilience to Overcome Circumstance (with Paralympic gold-medalist Mallory Weggemann), and the narrative nonfiction historical thriller Espionage and Enslavement in the Revolution: The True Story of Robert Townsend and Elizabeth (with historian Claire Bellerjeau). Her newest book, Gaslighted By God: Reconstructing a Disillusioned Faith was released in May 2022 by Eerdmans. She has also published articles in peer-reviewed journals and the Smithsonian.Tiffany holds a PhD from Florida State University, where her dissertation covered, in part, cultural adaptations of stories from the book of Genesis, and an MA from the University of Bristol in the UK, where her thesis examined cultural influences and literary techniques in the Gospel of Luke. A popular speaker for student groups, faith conferences, and academic lectureships, Tiffany has taught literature and writing at Abilene Christian University, McMurry University, and the University of South Carolina – Beaufort.

Why Self-Leadership is More Effective Than Being Held Accountable [191] Oct 04, 2022

Show notes

How do you feel about accountability? Like it, love it, want some more of it?

Or maybe it’s like medicine to you — icky but necessary.

Hold on to your booty, cause I’ve got an opinion on it too.

I think it’s a made-up practice that got a “virtue” sticker slapped on it. I think it arrests our development into emotional adulthood. In fact, I’d say accountability does more harm than good.

And it can never match the power of internal motivation for true, lasting life change.

Christian accountability conditions us to believe:

We are helpless and foolish
We don’t have the capacity for self-motivation or self-leadership
We have to be externally motivated by something outside of ourselves (like pain or the humiliation of confessing our faults/sins/failures)
We can't make our own decisions
We have to get guidance from and obey other people (who usually have penises)
We are flirting with danger if we think independently

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

What if I Want a Divorce but My Abusive Husband Doesn't? [190] Sep 27, 2022

Show notes

Surprise! Abusers never want the same thing as their victims. Why should divorce be any different?

Shocking! Abusers never want their “property” to start acting like a person and hightail it out of Dodge (“Dodge” being the marriage. Okay, you get it.)

Spoiler alert! You get to make your own decisions because you’re a grown woman. What? Yes, it’s true.

Divorce isn’t a magic toilet that flushes all your worries away. But it’s a wise, viable option for women who are being systematically destroyed by their closest relationship.

For women who want a divorce from their emotionally abusive husbands, this episode is a reminder of the core things they need to know.

The Rundown:

When somebody kicks our shin over and over: We LEAVE THE ROOM
When religious people demand we save a corrupt “marriage”: We CALL BS
When others say we can’t get divorced: We BREAK OUT THE LAW
When we are about to take the leap: We MAKE SURE WE’RE SURE
When we jump off the cliff (and get a divorce): We GET CAUGHT BY A LOVING GOD
When emotionally and spiritually abused women need help recovering, they get dozens of Butterfly stories and workshops, and 12 courses including “Divorce Basis” and “The 90-Day Escape Plan” in Flying Free

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

I’m Afraid of My Christian Husband’s Criticism and Disapproval [189] Sep 20, 2022

Show notes

Imagine a mother who stares at her baby.. She won’t smile. Won’t look it in the eye. Doesn’t react when it holds its arms out to be held. Refuses to comfort it when it cries. The baby screams and sobs. The mother won’t move.

Now multiply that cruelty across each thousands of days. Switch the mother for a husband. Change the baby to a wife.

Other people may throw out the “But does he hit you?” strawman (only extremes, only obvious physical, qualifiable harm counts as abuse). But that baby knows better. You know better. Your desolate heart knows better.

The most devastating hurts don’t show on the outside.

In this episode:

The different flavors of abuse vs. the different ways victims react
Reaction #1: Fighting Back
Reaction #2: Hiding
Reaction #3: Freezing
Reaction #4 Appeasing
How a still face and a baby show the impact of covert emotional abuse
Why trying to prevent emotional pain only creates more pain
Responses that lead to healing, freedom, and peace

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

When Your Ex-Husband Tries to Use Your Kids to Control You After the Divorce [188] Sep 13, 2022

Show notes

“I feel like a massive failure as a Christian and a mom. Like a puppet—and he’s pulling the strings.”

Too many women finally muster up the courage to leave their abusive husbands and face an even more painful betrayal: Their exes turn their own children against them. Lying, manipulating, bribing, even using threats in order to get the kids on their side.

It’s sickening. And it can feel like there’s no hope, no justice, and no way forward.

If this is you—wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, no matter how bad things are—I need you to stop and listen to me.

Because I’ve seen terrible cases of parental alienation turn around. I’ve lived it.

No matter what happens: Your future depends on cutting the strings of your puppeteer.

In this episode:

How to start making the most of your rights as a parent (without guilt or fear)
Why a lack of focus is often the biggest problem (it’s the perfect setup for your ex to succeed at his crappy mind games)
How to turn the volume of his voice down (and come to trust your own)
The story of 1-hour a week visitation making all the difference in a restored relationship between a mom and her son
The danger of believing your ex-husband (remember the term “self-fulfilling prophecy”?)
Why your ex acts like a quack (because he’s a duck, not a cat)
A tale as old as time: The ex who is suddenly the sweetest person in the world (grab your BS-vision goggles)

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

Will Divorce Ruin My Kids and Their Opportunities in Life? [187] Sep 06, 2022

Show notes

For women escaping emotionally abusive husbands, divorce often feels like a scarlet “A” on their chest. Or “D.” They wonder if they’ll be marked for life.

And worse, they fear how their kids will suffer the consequences.

First, because they lived in a home of chaos and pain and trauma. Second, because they’ll have to face the assumptions and judgment of other people.

A “broken” family. A single-parent household. “Sinful” parents. Not “true” Christians. Bad influences. The sort of mom and kids other people whisper about.

Is this your fear? Your reality? Then I’ve got great news and lots of it.

Listen in for:

The reason our brains like to borrow trouble (which can be helpful or silly)
Why protecting our kids can actually backfire (no problems/pain = most people become jerks)
A quick reminder (and a big number) to help you feel less like an outcast
A Flying Higher member’s story about reaching emotional peace
A crappy definition of forgiveness: 1. I will never bring this up to you again, 2. I will never bring this up to others again, 3. I will never bring this up to myself again. (Where’s the vomit emoji when you need it?)
A definition of forgiveness that’s not icky, that lets you breathe and doesn’t demand you betray yourself or let someone harm you

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

Why Being Rejected by Your Church and Family Hurts So Bad [186] Aug 30, 2022

Show notes

“I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this,” she said. “You expect harm from people who only harm you. From him. Not the ones who know you, who grew up with you, who you went to church with.”

Do you know the pain of rejection by your family, friends, and church? I do. I’ve lost entire nights of sleep swimming in that pain. It’s mind-numbing. Excruciating.

A listener told me that after being rejected by her church and family, she felt like she was standing on an alien ship watching her home planet being blown up. Then she asked the questions you might be wondering too:

How do we survive such great loss? Is there any healing for grief that goes deeper than your bones? Hurts that nearly fracture your body?

Yes, dear one. But the truth is that as painful as the facts are, your hurt is increased 100 fold by the story you’re telling yourself about it. And the meaning you’re giving that story.

From one heart-weary woman to another, here’s the scoop on the most important story of your life..and the secret to changing it.

Because rejection hasn’t ended the good of your story. Not by a long shot.

In this episode:

A prickly cactus, Jesus getting slapped, lots of Pirate’s Booty, and 8 billion people. If that’s not enough to tickle your fancy…
How what happened (the facts) and what we make it mean ( the story) creates our emotions (pain)
Why beliefs create the result (often extra pain)
The way to discover what you believe (the whole story)
2 things that have helped me after losing most of my relationships (based on things I CAN’T lose)
How Jesus’ pain and his responses are great examples for us to follow
The one relationship you have from which all other relationships flow (SURPRISE: It’s not with God)

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

How to Know If Your Christian Dating Relationship is Toxic [185] Aug 23, 2022

Show notes

As terrible as being married to an abuser is, there’s something worse.

It’s getting free from your abuser, then getting remarried to another one.

For a lot of survivors, that’s their worst fear.

Can they trust themselves to identify red flags when they were taught to dismiss them for so long? Will they be able to see past the BS if a potential suitor is slick and smooth but a turd of a guy underneath the facade? How can they be sure they’re choosing a safe, truly good person, not a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde?

I know that fear all too well. And I trust myself to choose good people now. (I did; I’m remarried to one.) I’ve also taught hundreds upon hundreds of women how to spot red flags in relationships.

By the time you listen to this episode, you’ll know whether your Christian dating relationship (or any dating relationship) is toxic.

The seven deal-breakers:

Cannot accept negative feedback
Little or no empathy
Has to have his own way
Communicates passive-aggressively (plus 14 EXAMPLES/QUESTIONS to help you identify passive-aggressive behavior)
Prioritizes his own interests (including not respecting your time, refusing to be honest or discuss his past, bad with money, a boundary-breaker, and other examples)
Won’t take responsibility for his behavior (plus 5 EXAMPLES/QUESTIONS to help you see whether this is true about him)
He consumes you; the relationship is slowly destroying your self-worth, your friendships, your potential, and your interests (plus 3 QUESTIONS to ask yourself to know if this is true)

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

BONUS Episode: Stop Using the Word "Alienation" (Here's Why) Aug 20, 2022

Show notes

Bonus episode (because this is important!)

With Tina Swithin's permission, I am sharing an article she wrote on her website here about why it's imperative that we do not use the word "alienation" in our court cases.

Please head over to her article, Please Stop Saying Alienation, to access the links mentioned in this podcast episode.
If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

The Wife with Boundaries: Changing the Conversation on Biblical Submission [184] Aug 16, 2022

Show notes

Is there poison in your home?

No, I don’t mean rat poison or toxic chemicals or asbestos. It’s words. On pages. In a book. One that’s given as a wedding gift. When times are tough. When you’re desperate. When you’ve run out of ideas and options to help your marriage and somebody gives you 336 pages of “hope.”

The poison is the answer ringing from every page of this book. You were, as Debi Pearl puts it, “Created to Be His Help Meet.” And lots of women have gulped it down, me included.

Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Sweet. Simple. Godly.

Because double standards and coercive control and whitewashed tombs are biblical, right?

In this interview with Chelsea Wells, she and I discuss the poisonous messages of Debi Pearl’s book before we toss them in the shredder.

The summary we recover-y:

Women are responsible for their husband’s bad behavior. Period.
Husbands have the authority to tell wives what to wear, where to go, whom to talk to, and how to spend her time.
Wives shouldn’t have close friends–only their husbands.
Women should submit to their husband when he’s a sex addict, adulterer, physically abusive, or refuses to work.
Husbands have tiebreaker power in every situation.
Wives have no rights in marriage.
Your looks and how your family appears to the world matter much more than your health or safety or life.
Women who want equality are bra-burning heathens who want to take over the world.
The pièce de résistance: Single moms are the worst (it’s the haircuts and the tiredness).

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

Related Resources:

Connect with Chelsea on Facebook
This episode was like a cup of tea when there’s a whole steaming pot waiting for you. Grab the whole shebang on Amazon: Created To Be His Helpmeet Rebuttal by Chelsea Wells.
If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com
I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download
You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com
And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Chelsea Wells is a stay-at-home mom of three cutie pies, aspiring domestic queen, and amateur theologian. In her free time, she enjoys motorcycle rides with her husband as well as sipping iced chai lattes with a good book in hand. She is the founder of Table Salt Ministries, which aims to expose common false teachings in the church and demystify what the Bible is REALLY saying to women.

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