Culture Sex Relationships

Latest Episodes:

Horny All The Time Mar 23, 2019

Show notes

What do I do if I’m horny all the time? This time on the podcast we addressed the issue of what to do if you feel horny a lot of the time. The first thing we considered was whether it is a problem. We may get the message that there’s an acceptable level of horniness to have and that it isn’t okay to be more or less horny than that, but the reality is that there’s huge diversity between people in how horny they feel (from not at all to lots) and it also fluctuates a lot within any individual person over time. Also we may well feel bad about it because of wider cultural shame and stigma, or because people in our lives are shaming us for it, rather than because it is a problem for us. If we are comfortable with it, and if we’re acting on it only in consensual ways, then it’s okay. Whether we have a problem or not we might find it useful to understand it better. As with all things in life horniness is biopsychosocial. That means that it is at the level it is because of a complex mixture of the way our body works (bio), the things that have happened - and are happening to us (psycho), and the cultural messages around us (social). For example, if somebody feels less horny in their 50s, this could be due to a mixture of the cultural messages about libido declining over time or older people being less attractive, to the hormonal shifts in their body, and due to specific situations they’re going through (such as a relationship difficulty, or their work becoming very busy, or a worsening chronic pain condition). Many people who take HRT in the form of testosterone feel more horny than before, but this can be due to the expectation of becoming hornier, to feeling more comfortable in their body, to genital enlargement meaning that area is stimulated more, or to changes in their lives that they make which give them more outlet for horniness, as well as to the direct impact of the hormone itself. People also respond differently to different situations, such as some people becoming more horny when grieving and others becoming less so. Why might some people struggle to feel highly horny? Here are a few common reasons: Shame because of cultural messages and/or the kinds of things they’re thinking about (see our zine on Erotic Fantasies for more about this) Judgement from others Being horny that much is distracting them from being present to other things Doing something about the horniness is taking time away from others things It creates difficulties because of an imbalance in a relationship (e.g. one person much more horny than another, or relationship agreements forbidding acting on the horniness) (more about this in our other zines and in Enjoy Sex) As with sex more widely, it’s worth thinking about what needs might be being expressed by the horniness. It can be as simple as ‘I feel turned on’, but horniness can sometimes also be a manifestation of other needs/desires, for example: Needing to move the body or have some physical exertion Wanting to soothe yourself or be kind to yourself in an embodied way - perhaps because things are tough Desiring a creative outlet Needing another kind of release but not being able to allow that (e.g. crying, laughing, anger, etc.) Wanting some kind of intimacy or human contact Find the full blog post at megjohnandjustin.com

Life Isn't Binary Mar 15, 2019

Show notes

In this special episode Meg-John Barker and Alex Iantaffi answer a series of questions about all things non-binary posed by their publisher, Jessica Kingsley, to celebrate LGBT History Month in the UK and their upcoming book, Life Isn't Binary (to be published in May 2019). https://www.amazon.co.uk/Life-Isnt-Binary-Beyond-Between/dp/1785924796/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1550678081&sr=8-1&keywords=life+isn%27t+binary The full transcript of the episode can be found here http://genderstories.buzzsprout.com/156032/960367-non-binary-everything

Saying 'I Love You' Feb 26, 2019

Show notes

Saying I love you (this was meant to be out a couple of weeks ago but between us we've been ill/injured. Sorry about that) In the lead up to Valentine’s day, on the podcast we discuss saying ‘I love you’ and how it can be done consensually. In wider culture it’s generally assumed that if somebody feels love they should say ‘I love you’ without thought of the potential impact, it’s regarded as a bigger deal than expressing other feelings towards somebody, there is pressure to say it by a certain point in a relationship, it’s seen as romantic to surprise somebody with these words (e.g. in an anonymous Valentine), and if one person says it the other person is expected to say it back. None of this is very consensual to ourselves or others. We might think of love more as an action than a feeling - as bell hooks suggests - and instead of focusing on naming the feeling we could consider what might demonstrate love most to a person. If they don’t reciprocate that feeling then this may be more about what we don’t do than what we do. We also need to speak in their love language - finding out what feels loving to them rather than doing what we assume they will like. If we tune into our feelings in a consensual way we might find that there are others which are as - or even more - meaningful to express than love, such as gratitude, appreciation, fondness, excitement, heat, safety. We can take the pressure off ‘I love you’ by doing it differently. We give examples of partners saying ‘I think I love you a little bit’, or saying ‘I love you’ from different parts of themselves at the different moments when those parts felt that way. Going back to the idea we often talk about where there are many different kinds of love we can take the focus off romantic partners, recognising that we can experience micro-moments of love with lots of people. Perhaps love is any moment of profound connection where the sense of a split between ourself and the other person drops away for a minute. How might we cultivate such moments in relationships? How might we celebrate all kinds of love - consensually - on Valentine’s day? Also, we're toying with the idea of having a patreon only feed for podcasts. Let us know what you think about that idea and what kind of stuff you might like. Love Meg-John & Justin xx

What's Love but a Biopsychosocial Phenomenon Feb 11, 2019

Show notes

This time on the podcast we discussed ‘what’s love?’ and not just as an excuse to revisit eighties/nineties classic tunes. With Valentine’s approaching what do we mean by love, and why might we celebrate it (or not)? First of all we talked about love being biopsychosocial - not just about ‘chemistry’. Biological processes involved in the feeling of love are inextricably linked to the social messages that we’ve received about what it means to be in love and what it should feel like, and our psychological experiences through life which leave us with templates and scripts for how love plays out for us. Learning to love in particular ways will mean that we experience the physical feelings of love in certain ways (e.g. as exciting, or overpowering, or transcendent, or scarily out of control), and it will also set up our bodies and brains to respond in certain ways (moving towards, or away from, those feelings, for example). We explored how cultural messages encourage us to allow ourselves fall into love and go fast when it comes to falling, but we could think about love as anywhere on a spectrum from fast to slow, and from allowing to intentional. That doesn’t mean that slow, intentional love is somehow better than fast, allowing love, but that there are options here. We can think about the shape of our life when we start to have love feelings, which ones we might follow and in what ways, and what pace to go at. When we looked up ‘what is love?’ pop songs they often link love to pain and fear of getting hurt by love. We talked about how hard it is in love not to treat somebody as an object: expecting them to rescue you or validate you or give you ongoing security, for example. bell hooks’s book All About Love suggests that - in order to be love - it has to be given freely (not in demand of something back), and on the basis that both/all people involved are equally valuable. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_About_Love:_New_Visions As always, we question the privileging of prioritising romantic love over other kinds and wonder about what it would be like to value multiple forms of love equally this Valentine. You can buy our zine, Make Your Own Relationship User Guide https://megjohnandjustin.com/product/make-your-own-relationship-user-guide/

Are You Struggling With New Years Resolutions Jan 10, 2019

Show notes

We had a chat about New Year's Resolutions today and recorded it. Advice for you here about how you can relate to changes and resolutions that might be a bit kinder and more useful to you. By the way, come and take part in a workshop with us at the Barbican on Thursday 17th Jan. https://www.barbican.org.uk/whats-on/2019/event/modern-couples-make-your-own-relationship-rules

Coming Out At Christmas Dec 20, 2018

Show notes

Coming out at Christmas, or telling friends and family big news about us at holiday or other important times.

Men, Masculinities And The Seduction Industry Dec 07, 2018

Show notes

Hello dear listener. We had a chat with Dr Rachel O'Neil (@DrRachelONeil on twitter) about her book 'Seduction. Men, Masculinity and Mediated Intimacy' which you can buy here http://politybooks.com/bookdetail/?isbn=9781509521555 So we chatted about what the seduction industry is, why it's not seduction 'communities', what it is that this industry offers (and doesn't offer men)and why men are attracted to it. We also had a broader chat about masculinity, the idea of seduction, neoliberalism, romantic and sexual entreprenueriship. We ended with some advice for people who might be seduced into the seduction industry. Do have a listen and if you like the show please tell your friends, like us and subscribe to us. You might also want to buy some of our publications which you can see at megjohnandjustin.com/publications

Our Chat on the Radio About Consent Nov 21, 2018

Show notes

Over the summer we recorded a nice chat with the lovely people at Whistledown Productions for a documentary about consent on Radio 4. Presented by Jameela Jalil the New Age of Consent was about consent, sex and relationships post #MeToo and you can hear it here https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0bh4361 (we're mostly in this second episode). The kind folk at Whistledown let us have the full audio of that interview so here it is. We think it will be a nice podcast for people who haven't heard us chatting before, particularly around consent and having more enjoyable sex. So do share it with people who you'd like to hear it.

Modern Couples At The Barbican Nov 09, 2018

Show notes

We had a look around the Modern Couples exhibition at the Barbican https://www.barbican.org.uk/whats-on/2018/event/modern-couples-art-intimacy-and-the-avant-garde which is all about the relationship between art, avant garde and relationship models. We went round it to chat about the relationships and considered just how radical they were and what we can learn about this for ourselves. Here’s the blurb from the exhibition: “Explore modern art and modern love; Modern Couples reveals how relationships can become a playground for creativity. Featuring the biggest names in Modern Art, Modern Couples explores creative relationships, across painting, sculpture, photography, design and literature. Meet the artist couples that forged new ways of making art and of living and loving. The exhibition illuminates these creative and personal relationships, from the obsessional and fleeting to the life-long.” It’s £16 and it’s on till 27th January 2019 and if you’re interested in relationship diversity and/or avant garde art, this is for you. We did this because we are also running a workshop on 6th December 2018 at the Barbican. Buy tickets here https://www.barbican.org.uk/whats-on/2018/event/modern-couples-make-your-own-relationship-rules 'Modern Couples: Make Your Own Relationship Rules' Modern Couples demonstrated how artists at the beginning of the 20th century were taking the radical approach to their work and applying (at least some of) this radicalism to their personal relationships. Justin Hancock and Meg-John Barker are here to help you explore the different kinds of relationship models seen in the show and how we might navigate them today. From monogamy, to ethical non-monogamy, to relationship anarchy, and our relationship with ourselves, this friendly and practical workshop will give you helpful tools to help you with whatever kind of relationship style might work for you. The workshop is open to anyone, regardless of previous knowledge and experience. We hope it will be lively, interactive, fun and thought-provoking.

Relationship Diversity Oct 29, 2018

Show notes

This time we explored the theme of relationship diversity, that is the range of different styles of relationships that exist. People often think about diversity when it comes to sexuality - and increasingly gender - but assume there’s only one or two ways of doing diversity. We could see relationship diversity on a number of different dimensions. For example, there’s diversity in terms of where we’re at on a spectrum from monogamy to non-monogamy, and there’s diversity in terms of whether we prioritise certain kinds of relationships over others (like romantic ones) or whether we see diverse kinds of relationships as equally important in our lives. It’s also important to remember that there’s just as much diversity under the umbrella of monogamy as there is under non-monogamy. For example, under monogamy comes serial and lifelong monogamy, monogamish relationships. Under non-monogamy come open relationships, polyamory of various forms, and secret infidelities. We might put dating, hook-ups, and friends-with-benefit arrangements somewhere between monogamy and non-monogamy. All forms of relationship diversity are equally legitimate - like all forms of sexual and gender diversity - if they are done consensually. When we’re discussing our relationship styles it’s really important not to try to claim that ours is morally superior on the basis that it is more normative, for example, or more ‘right on’. Different things work for different people, and so long is it is consensual - and not being imposed on others - any style is legit. If you’re in different places to another person around your relationship diversity a good starting point is mutual respect and the assumption that both your ways are equally legitimate. Then you can work to find a way forward together. What are the possibilities that meet both people’s needs? To explore this more check out our zine, make your own relationship user guide. You could also check out some of our other podcasts and blogs about this. Hierarchies - here's one about the different kinds of hierarchies that we might encounter in relationships Changing relationship agreements - how to go about making changes from one relationships style to another What is Romance? (btw the place with the beer and cheese Justin talked about is in Leeds, called Friends of Ham) Love Stories and Rom-Coms

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