Creating a Family: Talk about Adoption, Foster & Kinship Care

Latest Episodes:

A Conversation with Dr. Bruce Perry about Trauma May 24, 2023

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Join us as Dr. Bruce Perry answers your questions about how trauma impacts adoptive, foster, and kinship kids and families. Dr. Bruce Perry, is a child psychiatrist and neuroscientist, the principal of the Neurosequential Network, Senior Fellow of The ChildTrauma Academy, and adjunct Professor at Northwestern University School of Medicine in Chicago. He is the author the numerous books including co-author along with Oprah Winfrey of What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing, and co-author of The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog.

In this episode, we cover:

The shift in perspective from what’s wrong with you to what happened to you--the ability to understand seemingly senseless behavior by looking at what’s behind it.
What do you include as “trauma”? How severe does it have to be to impact us later in life?
We hear foster, adoptive, and kinship parents say, “she was only neglected.” Is neglect less harmful than abuse?
When siblings are separated in foster care and parents are taken completely away from seeing the children for a year at a time does this lack of contact count as trauma and how does this type of no-touch abuse effect the child's brain?
How common is trauma? ACE study.
Does trauma at a young age have longer lasting impacts?
We have a child who is chronologically 3yrs, who had a non-accidental TBI at 3 months of age. He is a sweet boy but prone to rages and is very loud. Could this be from the trauma or is it his age and frustration?
How can parents help their child manage trauma if they don’t know what the trauma was?
The times of healing are often very short but very powerful. And that the more times our kids experience healing, even in short bursts, the more their brain "re-develops" in healthier ways.
Is there is an association between trauma and sensory processing and if so, do we know why?
How do you become “unstuck” on being a victim? My daughter is 18 and is struggling to become an adult, but constantly feels and acts as though she is still a victim from her past.
Can you discuss how trauma is related to the sabotage of relationships, family events, life events, and opportunities?
Prenatal trauma—
- in utero exposure to alcohol or drugs
- maternal stress
Can generational trauma be passed down genetically through the various forms of DNA?
Resilience and Healing: My question is coming from the perspective as an adoptive and foster mom of some kids who have some pretty big behaviors. Can we really grow these kids and help them live happy, well-adjusted lives? Not problem free, but a life where after many years of love, they will come to find peace within themselves?
I have two children who are currently in foster care because their father was abusive and I stayed with him and allowed my children to witness the abuse. Is there any way to reverse the trauma?

This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them. Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:

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Please leave us a rating or review. This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them.
Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:

Weekly podcasts
Weekly articles/blog posts
Resource pages on all aspects of family building

Transitioning from Foster Care to Adoption May 17, 2023

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Are you thinking about adopting from foster care or adopting a child you are already fostering? Are you wondering how to help the child transition to adoption? Our guests are Hope Middlebrook, a foster parent recruiter for Arrow Child and Family Services, and Jennifer O’Brien, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Regional Director for Arrow’s Foster Care Programs.
In this episode, we cover:

Two different scenarios:
- You are the foster parents of the child you are going to adopt.
- You are adopting a child who is living with another foster family.
At what age do kids understand the concept of adoption and what it means in their life?
If you are adopting a child you are fostering.
- How is adoption different from fostering?
- What are some typical emotions (positive and negative) a child might feel? Grief is to be expected.
- How far in advance should the child be informed?
- What are some typical behaviors you might see?
- What are some typical emotions and behaviors you might see from other children already living in your home?
If you are adopting a child living with another resource family or group home.
- What are some typical emotions (positive and negative) a child might feel? Grief is to be expected.
- How far in advance should the child be informed?
- How long should the process take?
- What can the adults do to make the process less stressful for the child?
- What are some typical behaviors you might see from a child that is moving to yet another home and another parent?
- What are some typical emotions and behaviors you might see from other children already living in your home?
What are the pros and cons of changing the child’s name? First name? Last name?
What are some tips for parents to help their child transition from foster child to adopted child? Some of these will apply to a child you are fostering and some to a child whom you are not fostering.
- Get all the information on the child available from his file, caseworker, and previous foster parents.
- Decide what type of relationship you can have with your child’s birth family. Come up with ways to help your child maintain safe connections to their biological roots.
- Work with the former foster family and the child or youth to determine what type of relationship can continue with the foster family after the child moves to your home.
- Go slow. Ideally, visit the child first in their foster home, then take the child out for the day, then have the child spend the night with the adoptive family, then the weekend before they finally move in.
- Give the child/youth as much voice in the process as possible.
- Anticipate problems and come up in advance with ways to work through them and outside resources to use.
- Create a Lifebook for your child and use this book to help explain some of the differences between foster care and adoption. Get pictures from the foster family and the caseworker.
- Prepare children already in the home for an adjustment period and how kids who have experienced trauma might behave.
- Think about how you will maintain a tie to their cultural, racial, or ethnic roots.
- Identify support for yourself. You will, at some point, likely feel discouraged, frustrated, and maybe even regretful. Where will you turn for support?
- Rite of passage at finalization.
What to do if the tween or teen does not want to be adopted?
- How to explore the youth’s reasons?
- Allow space to change their mind.
- What other options are available outside of adoption?

This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foste

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Parenting the Challenging Child While Maintaining Attachment May 10, 2023

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Is your child more intense and more challenging than other kids? Do you worry about the future for this child and your ability to help them learn to behave? You will love this interview with Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed., the Director of Family Engagement at Anu Family Services and founder of the Center for the Challenging Child, where she works with families throughout the US. She is the author of the book Present Moment Parenting: The Guide to a Peaceful Life with Your Intense Child.
In this episode, we cover:

What makes some kids more challenging?
What is the impact of trauma on children’s behavior?
We often parent the way we were parented. How can we overcome this?
What do we mean by “attachment,” and why is it important for children and parents?
“Parent the child in front of you in the present moment"- not the one that did ____ yesterday or the one that you fear will do or be ____ in the future.”
Ten Tenets of Parenting
How can parents work with children to improve these behaviors with different aged children while maintaining attachment?
- Frequent and intense tantrums
- Inflexible
- Can’t accept the word “no”
- Lying
- Stealing

Watch Tina’s TEDx Talk: How to Stop Kids’ Meltdowns and Gain Their Cooperation.

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Helping Autistic Kids Shine May 03, 2023

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Are you parenting a child on the autism spectrum. This interview will give you insight and hope. We talk with Dr. Lynn Koegel, a clinical professor at the Stanford University School of Medicine, and author of Hidden Brilliance: Unlocking the Intelligence of Autism. She is the Editor-in-Chief of the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders.
In this episode, we cover:

What are some of the variations in the way autism presents in humans?
What are some of the symptoms or signs of autism at different ages?
We so often focus on the weaknesses of children with autism and overlook their strengths. Why is this a problem for children on the autism spectrum?
How is autism diagnosed, and what are the limits to this testing?
What can parents do to make sure that the testing more clearly reflects their child’s strengths as well as weaknesses?
The absence of speaking starting at around age one and struggles with communicating are common with people with autism. What can parents do to help improve spoken language?
How to teach social connectedness?
The inability to express their needs verbally can lead to behavioral issues such as screaming, aggression, and tantrums. What works to help the child and improve these behaviors?
- The first question is what the behavior is trying to communicate.
- Teach replacement behaviors. How do you find and teach this?
- Environmental manipulation. Change what you can.
- Priming
- Self-management
Working with the school
Prognosis
Causes of autism

Resource:
Hidden Brilliance: Unlocking the Intelligence of Autism
This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them. Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:

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Resource pages on all aspects of family building

Please leave us a rating or review RateThisPodcast.com/creatingafamily

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Should You Consider Adopting a Child of a Different Race or Ethnicity? Apr 26, 2023

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Have you thought about adopting a child of a different race or ethnicity? Are you up for the job? How can you be the best family for this child? Join us when we talk with Meggin Nam Holtz, a Licensed Master Social Worker, and a Korean adoptee. She has a private counseling practice specializing in adoption. She created an award-winning documentary film, Found in Korea, about birth search, country of origin travel, identity, and adoption.
In this episode, we cover:

If you are a White parent, are there different issues you need to consider depending on the race of the child you adopt?
Some families prefer to adopt a bi-racial child rather than a child who is all Black or all Latinx. What are the issues to consider?
Is there a difference between transracial and transcultural adoption?
What does it take to raise a child to have a healthy self and racial identity. How do they differ?
What are some of the issues parents should think about to determine if they are a family that should adopt across racial or ethnic lines?
What should parents be prepared to do in order to help their children develop a healthy sense of self?
Adoption is a family affair, so how should prospective adoptive parents prepare their extended family members for the adoption of a child of a different race or culture?
How to find role models that racially mirror your child?
Research on how transracially adopted children are doing.
What to do if you have someone in your family that you fear will not be accepting or will not treat your child fairly?
What are some issues that may come up with open adoption when adopting across racial lines?
Preparation for transracial adoption goes beyond hair care; hair and skin care are important. What should parents know?

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Helping Our Kids Regulate Big Emotions Apr 19, 2023

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Does your child struggle with controlling their big emotions? Do they seem angry or frustrated most of the time? We've got some answers! Join us to listen to this interview with Dr. Stuart Shanker, a Distinguished Research Professor Emeritus of Philosophy and Psychology at York University and author of several books, including Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Reframed: Self-Reg for a Just Society. He is also an adoptive dad.
In this episode, we cover:

3 basic principles of self-regulation:
- There is no such thing as a bad or lazy kid.
  - No matter how difficult, out of control, distracted, or exhausted a child might seem, there’s a way forward: self-regulation.
- All people can learn to self-regulate in ways that promote rather than constrict growth.
- There is no such thing as a "fixed outcome": trajectories can always be changed, at any point in the lifespan, if only we have the right knowledge and tools.
How can parents help their children become calmer when we live in a stressful, frantic, and over-stimulating world?
How can parents calm themselves down in the hectic world?
Five-step method for managing stress
- 1. Reframe behavior by learning the difference between misbehavior and stress behavior and the signs of each. (Why and why now?)
- 2. Recognize stressors.
  - Some typical stressors broken out by age.
  - Some “hidden stressors” that their children are struggling with - physiological as well as social and emotional.
- 3. Reduce stress (deep breathing (pizza breath), exercise, touch, music, pets)
- 4. Reflect on what it feels like to be calm and what it feels like to be overstressed.
- 5. Restoration- energy, balance, and relationship.
These steps are not a program for managing a child’s behavior. Rather, these are five steps to promote understanding a child’s behavior.

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Talking with Children About Adoption at Different Ages Apr 12, 2023

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Do you wonder how to talk to your child about adoption? What if they don't seem interested? How do you talk about some of the hard stuff? This episode explores talking with children about adoption at different ages with Mari Itzkowitz, with the Center for Adoption Support and Education (CASE). She is an adoption-competent therapist and leader of the CASE Training Team, providing training and education to professionals and parents.
In this episode, we cover:

How does an adoptee’s understanding of adoption differ by age?
- Infants
- Toddlers & Preschoolers
- School Age
- Tweens
- Teens
- Young Adults
- Older Adults
How to talk about adoption at different ages?
Should you wait for the child to ask questions before you tell them about their adoption story?
What if your child or youth shows little or no interest in their adoption story?
How does openness or lack of openness impact a child’s understanding of adoption?
Should adoptive parents bring up the idea of searching for birth family?
How does transracial adoption impact a child’s understanding of adoption?
Our focus is often on birth mothers. How can you talk about adoption and the role of the birth father with young children who do not understand the concept of sex?
What to say when you know very little about the birth parents? How to handle hard birth parent stories? Should you tell a child that they were conceived by rape or that their birth mother is in jail or birth father suffers from addiction? At what age should you share this information?

Additional Resources:

Resources on Talking about Adoption
Building the Framework for Adopted & Foster Children to Process the Hard Parts of Their Stories
Suggested books on talking with kids about birthparents

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A Guide to Raising Your Grandchild Apr 05, 2023

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We talk about raising your grandkids with Christine Adamec, coauthor with Dr. Andrew Adesman, of The Grandfamily Guidebook. She and her husband have been raising their teenage grandson since his infancy.
In this episode, we cover:

Why are grandparent led families increasing?
What are some common emotions that grandparents and other kin experience when they realize that they need to step in and raise their grandchildren or other kin?
What type of decisions should you make about legal custody or permanency? How to protect your grandchild? How to enroll them in school? How to be able to get medical and mental health care for them? How to prevent the child’s parents from removing the child from your home? Becoming a foster parent? A will?
What are some of the strains that grandparents can experience with their children (the parents of their grandchildren)?
How to navigate the relationship with your adult child?
Explaining the situation to the child? (“Why am I living with you and not my parents?”)
Raising kids that likely experience trauma, including prenatal exposure.
Adjusting to parenting in this new time.
Some of the joys of raising your grandchild.

Resources:

AARP has a Benefits QuickLINK tool to find out if you or your grandchild may qualify for 15 public benefits — 10 for adults and families and five for children.
Creating a Family podcast: Helping Parents & Kids Manage Phones, Internet, & Gaming

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Parenting Adopted Teens and Young Adults Mar 29, 2023

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How does parenting an adopted teen differ from parenting teens that come to us through birth? What are some of the unique challenges adopted teens or young adults face? Check out our interview with Katie Naftzger, an LCSW, Korean adoptee, and the author of “Parenting in the Eye of the Storm: The Adoptive Parent’s Guide to Navigating the Teen Years.”

In this episode, we cover:

Why is parenting an “adopted” teen any different from parenting a child who comes to you by birth?
What issues related to adoption come to the front during the teen years?
What issues that relate to early neglect or abuse, or loss come to the fore in adolescence?
In your book, “Parenting in the Eye of the Storm: The Adoptive Parent’s Guide to Navigating the Teen Years,” you talk about adoptive or foster parents taking a learning stance when working with teens. What is a learning stance?
Many of our kids have experienced early life adversity and carry the scars of this early trauma. Parents often naturally feel bad for their teens because of this. How can these feelings of pity interfere with the healthy parenting of teens? When to step in and help and when to let our teens figure out how to handle things on their own?
Some adoptive parents adopt out of a feeling of needing to save the child. How does the savior narrative impact parenting teens?
Birth family issues:
- Birth parents search
- Handling hard birth parent situations
- Identity formation-nature vs. nurture
- Navigating an open adoption with teens
Identity formation as a transracial adoptee.
Transitioning into adulthood.
We hear that adopted teens are more likely to have mental health issues and more likely to commit suicide. How do adoptive parents support their adopted teens?

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Helping Adopted Children Heal From Past Trauma and Loss Mar 22, 2023

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Did your child experience trauma or loss before they came to you? Do you want to help them heal? Join our conversation with Dr. Amanda Baden, a Professor and the Doctoral Program Director at Montclair State University in the graduate counseling program and a licensed psychologist in private practice in Manhattan. She is an adult adoptee from Hong Kong and an adoptive parent of a daughter from China.
In this episode, we cover:

What is trauma?
What types of events/things create trauma?
Why are trauma, abuse, and neglect so harmful to children?
Is neglect a form of trauma?
How trauma impacts children, and what factors influence how much the trauma impacts the child later in life?
How to tell the difference between typical developmental behavior and behavior that is the result of trauma or loss?
What is triangulation?
How to break the triangle?
Helping our kids integrate their birth, adoptive or foster, and self-identities. Many children who do not live with their birth families struggle to incorporate parts of their birth families, foster or adoptive families, and who they innately are into a whole that is their identity. How can parents help their children form a healthy, complete identity?
Practical tips for helping children heal. Often, we do not know exactly what trauma our children have experienced. Either they don’t remember, or it happened before they were verbal, or they cannot or have not told us. How can we help them if we do not know what happened to them?

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