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Learn More about BTR Group Sessions — **How To Overcome The Long Term Effects of Emotional Abuse In Marriage – 3 Steps** Jan 31, 2023
Show notes

The long term effects of emotional abuse in marriage are different for every woman. Here are 6 long term effects and 3 way to overcome them.

6 Long Term Effects of Emotional Abuse In Marriage

Low self-esteem and self-worth due to constant manipulation or criticism.

Anxiety and depression caused by prolonged emotional distress.

Confusion of not being able to make progress with your goals because your husband is exploiting and undermining you.

A sense of isolation and loneliness from emotional invalidation.

Chronic stress, which may lead to physical health issues like fatigue or headaches.

Post-traumatic stress symptoms, including inability to sleep and flashbacks.

1. To Heal From The Long Term Effects of Emotional Abuse, Learn What Type You’re Experiencing

Did you know there are 19 types of emotional abuse? To discover which types of emotional abuse your husband is using to exploit you, take this free emotional abuse quiz.

2. To Avoid the Long Term Affects of Emotional Abuse, Get The Right Support

Many women report that couple therapy or addiction recovery only escalated their husband’s emotional abuse.

It’s important to get the right support. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions are the best way to get validating support from women who understand. All Betrayal Trauma Recovery staff has been through it.

3. The Abuse Will Escalate During A Crisis, So Prepare Now

Emotional abusers escalate during a crisis because it’s the perfect time to assert control. If a victim is desperate and scared, she’s less likely to set boundaries.

One of the long term effects of emotional abuse is not realizing how much danger you’re in. In a crisis, an abuser may feel a lack of control. As a result, his controlling behaviors may escalate.

Protect Yourself From Emotional Abuse Long Term

When abusers use controlling behavior to abuse their partner, it looks like:

Taking away her privacy

Coercion (including sexual coercion)

Verbal abuse, including yelling

Physical intimidation

Shaming the victim if she does anything he doesn’t want her to do

Becoming overly dependent on the victim

Dictating the victim’s choices and not letting her make decisions

Starting arguments over trivial matters

While some crises may limit your access to domestic abuse shelters, professional help, and seeking a new place to live, women can always find support on the online by attending a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session.

What Boundaries Can I Set When I Can’t Leave My House?

In the event of natural disasters, pandemics, or other large-scale crises, women may wonder what boundaries they can set to separate themselves from abuse when they can’t physically separate from their abuser. Here are some ideas:

I will call 9-1-1 immediately if I feel physically threatened by my partner.

I will not have sex or sleep in the same room as someone who is abusive to me.

Seek daily support if I am not able to leave the home during a crisis.

I will make a safety plan so that as soon as the crisis is over, I can avoid the long term effects of emotional abuse.

Transcript: How To Overcome The Long Term Effects of Emotional Abuse In Marriage

**Anne:** It’s just me today. I wanted to talk about the long term effects of emotional abuse in marriage. I want to take everybody back in time for a minute. To when at least in the United States everything locked down due to the COVID-19 pandemic. I remember the day they canceled school. And I felt relief that I wouldn’t share an enclosed space with my ex-husband.

Because by that time I was divorced. I remember the relief. Like that was the first thing I thought of. I’m so grateful that I’m not stuck in the house with him. Being in close physical proximity to emotional abuse. Will harm you long term, but it will also harm you in the short term.

Understanding Emotional Abuse Types

**Anne:** So number one, you need to learn what type of emotional abuse you are experiencing. Did you know that there are 19 types of emotional abuse? To discover which types of emotional abuse your husband uses to exploit you. Take our free emotional abuse quiz, just click on that link. It’ll indicate how he’s emotionally abusive to you, because emotional abuse is so hard to see.

Or maybe he’s not. You’ll know from taking that quiz.

Number two to avoid the long term effects of emotional abuse. You need the right support. Many women report that couple therapy or addiction recovery only escalated their husband’s emotional abuse. So make sure that when you get support, it’s from someone who understands this type of abuse. And our Betrayal Trauma Recovery group sessions are the best way to get that type of validating support. To see the group session schedule, go to that link. And I’m going to spend the rest of today’s podcast talking about number three.

Preparing for Crisis Escalation

**Anne:** Emotional abuse will escalate during a crisis, so prepare now. The rest of this episode I recorded during COVID years ago, but it will help you understand why abusers escalate during a crisis, this is also called emotional battering. And to heal from the long term effects of emotional abuse, you need to be prepared. Because we can have a crisis happen at any time. So the rest of this episode was recorded years ago during COVID. Here we go.

It’s early in the morning today. Everyone is concerned for good reason about the coronavirus outbreak. And also all the flights that are canceled, the stock market, people being quarantined, and employers telling people to work from home, et cetera.

I wanted to talk about how men who exhibit abusive behaviors tend to escalate during a crisis.

Although they may put on the opposite. They look really, really good during a crisis. But just to prepare you, especially if you’re quarantined with a man who exhibits abusive behaviors. Many women have trouble, and abusive episodes happen when they’re on vacation. Or on the weekend, or other times where they’re with the abuser full time. And he doesn’t have an outlet to either act out, excuse himself, or get out of family duties.

Abusive Behaviors During Quarantine Or Other Situations

**Anne:** Generally speaking, abusers like to use anything they can to get out of housework. Or things they don’t want to do to escape a situation they feel uncomfortable with. Work is a good excuse. So we hear a lot of abusive men saying things like, “You don’t respect my work. You don’t respect me. My job is important. I need to work in peace.” So if you are about to be quarantined with an emotionally abusive man, just observe what happens if they don’t have an outlet to use their drug, use exploitative material.

They may create a fight so that they can get away so that they can use. That’s not your fault. They want to blame it on you, but don’t buy it. You’re gonna notice things that you wouldn’t notice before. For example, I have a friend whose ex husband remarried and it was going well. And she was a little confused, because she was like, wow, he was extremely abusive to me. But this new marriage seems good.

They’re active in church, things look good. His new wife traveled for work. And so she was gone frequently, and things were good. And then about seven years after they got married. The new wife got pregnant with twins. And within a couple of years, they were divorced. Because once the new wife didn’t travel anymore and interacted more with her husband. She started recognizing these abusive behaviors are not working for me.

And they got divorced. So we see that a lot. I know many of you have thought, can I count on this man during a crisis? Well, the crisis is here, and you’ll see we are here during this time.

Seeking Safety and Support

**Anne:** Thank goodness I created Betrayal Trauma Recovery this way, so that no matter what happened, we are safe. We can help you. You can attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery group from your closet. You know, you can just go get in your parked car. If you have to be in your room and lock the door or whatever you need to do to get some semblance of peace, You don’t even have to go anywhere and lock the doors and have a safe space. We’re not going anywhere. You can join us. You can see our daily schedule by clicking on this link.

Know that during this time, I’m praying for all of us, that this might be the miracle that you’ve been praying for. Here’s an emotional abuse checklist to watch for.

It might enable you to see what you thought were abusive behaviors weren’t? I don’t know what your situation is. But I do know that during your crisis, things can get tricky. When abusive men feel a lack of control, because they get their power from power over. Healthy people get their power from mutuality. We’re on a team, we’re working together, we have mutual respect.

Abusers get their power from power over. So if they’re feeling a lack of control right now because of the stock market crashing, Because they can’t go to work, because of other factors, they’re going to try to get their power back. It might be an argument over cereal.

Resources For Help with long term effects of emotional abuse

**Anne:** They try to assert themselves and take a stand for something that seems pointless. Because they’re flailing, because they have no power unless they feel they can control someone else. They are not in control of themselves. We have a lot of books on our books page, btr.org/books. If you’re in close proximity with someone exhibiting abusive behaviors, and you still want to get educated during this time, an audio book is a great way to go.

This is modern day. And I know so many of you have horror stories from those times where you were stuck in your house with your abuser. Another crisis will happen at some point. And so we need to be prepared and have this in our minds. That the long term effect of abuse, the long term effects of emotional abuse and marriage, is that we’re never safe in our own homes. And that is the best reason to start protecting yourself.

Since then, I’ve created the Living Free Workshop to help you determine what your husband’s true character is. And then learn emotional safety strategies. To learn more, click on this link.

3 Easy to Overlook Signs of Spiritual Abuse in Marriage Jan 24, 2023

Show notes

Liz just wanted to keep herself and her family safe. She didn’t know these 3 signs of spiritual abuse that every woman needs to know. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take thisfree emotional abuse quiz. Liz sought support from trusted church leaders after she experienced abuse. But rather than receiving the help she deserved, Liz experienced severe spiritual abuse from clergy and continued emotional and psychological abuse from her abusers. If you’re experiencing this type of abuse, you need support. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. What is Spiritual Abuse? Spiritual abuse occurs when individuals use their authority, religious doctrines, or practices to exert control, manipulation, or power over others. Spiritual abuse can also occur when a leader dismisses, minimizes, or refuses to take proper steps to protect victims of abuse and crime. Abusers blame and hold victims responsible for the abuse. Recognizing The Signs of Spiritual Abuse It’s important to familiarize yourself with the spiritual abuse. Knowing how to identify spiritual abuse can help those in faith communities recognize and move away from situations where they may be exploited, misled, or traumatized. The lack of total accountability, a church doesn’t have turning yourself in to authorities as part of the repentance process. Requesting victims forgive and reconcile with no justice, when emotional and psychological safety haven’t been established. Continued lying, deceit, and dismissal of sin while professing to be righteous. To learn more about how to recognize this type of abuse, enroll in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. Identifing Signs of Spiritual Abuse: Blame & Shame: Spiritually abusive leaders use blaming and shaming tactics to instill feelings of guilt or unworthiness. In our community, this looks like a pastor or other religious leader blaming a wife for her husband’s infidelity, telling her that if she was a better wife, he wouldn’t have been unfaithful. Overstepping Ethical Boundaries: When spiritual leaders offer marital counsel, therapy, mental health counseling, and label individuals with any diagnosis. Or use a deity to “discern” anything outside their scope of professional, ethical boundaries. This is a serious breach of propriety and is considered severe spiritual abuse. In our community, this often occurs when clergy labels abusive husbands mentally ill requiring more love, service, and intimacy. Encouraging Isolation: Spiritual abuse occurs when leaders encourage individuals, especially abuse victims, to distance themselves from outside sources of support. This occurs when clergy counsel victims not to report abuse to the authorities, or not attend support groups not sanctioned by the church. Leaders may counsel victims to stay tight-lipped about domestic abuse to everyone but the church leader. This conditioning to isolate can keep victims trapped in a devastating cycle of abuse. As women set safety boundaries, appropriate support can be beneficial. Clergy have the unique opportunity to lovingly support victims as they identify abuse and seek safety from abusive behaviors. Liz faithfully sought support from her clergy, only to experience further betrayal and abuse. As you listen to Liz’s story, difficult feelings may surface. Please seek support if you experience triggers. Our daily, online Group Sessions are available to you – attend a session today. Transcript: 3 Signs of Spiritual Abuse You Need To Know Anne: About 20 years ago, I was at school teacher at a public school. And I went on a trip with a bunch of teachers to teach English in China. And on that trip, I went with Liz and her mother. At the time, I perceived Liz and her mother as the “typical Christian family.” They went to church every week and looked like they obeyed the commandments. I’ve reconnected with Liz. And she told me what was going on in her family. Today we’re talking about the signs of spiritual abuse. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we have women who are agnostic, atheists, Catholics, evangelicals, Baptists, Jewish women, Muslims. Women from all different faith backgrounds and philosophical paradigms. You are welcome here. Our only goal is to help women get to emotional and psychological safety. I always appreciate your patience with me when I share from my own religious perspective. And it’s only to simply share my own story and how I’m feeling. I honor the choices everyone makes regarding their religion or paradigm. Because Liz is a member of my faith. We’re both members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There are a few things that may help you understand as she shares her story. In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there’s a local volunteer called the Bishop. And then. It’s similar to the structure of the Catholic church. There’s somebody over all local volunteer bishops, which is a stake president. And then a worldwide leader. Today, we’ll mention Bishop, the local leader. And then the stake president, who is a leader in charge of multiple local congregations. Accountability In Faith Communities Anne: In my opinion, one of the Bishop’s jobs is to ensure the congregation is safe and the members of the congregation are safe. And I would say that of any clergy: Catholic priests, pastors or rabbis. That anyone in charge of a faith congregation, part of their job, should be to keep their congregation and the members of the congregation safe. And watch for the signs of spirital abuse. Many churches have a system of accountability. In scripture, it says that if one or two witnesses share some information, that would affect the safety of the congregation. That there will be a counsel to determine what to do with that member. Now in the past, in my church and in pretty much every church that I know about. It’s seen as a way to call this person to repentance. But I don’t think they’re using it. The way they could use it. They’re not using it to keep their congregations safe and their members safe. You’ll hear more about that. And what repentance really entails a little later in this story. Now, in the story Liz is about to tell. She’s going to outline how her brother and her father have repeatedly lied to bishops and stake presidents throughout their lives. She’s also going to talk about how she approached the bishop and stake president to stop the abuse, infidelity, and hold her brother and father accountable. She experienced spiritual abuse when she did this. And experienced years of the effects of spiritual abuse afterwards. I didn’t ask Liz during this interview why she did not report the sexual abuse in her family to the police. Victims have good reasons for not reporting. So many people think that reporting is the answer to abuse. Struggles With Faith & Family Anne: And we have seen over and over again that oftentimes reporting doesn’t do anything and causes problems for the victim. Especially when they can’t prove what happened. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we believe the victim is the best person to decide whether to report. And we support her in whatever decision she makes, in her situation. What do you feel like is going to bring you the most safety and our coaches can help you work through that. Also, if you do decide to report. Get help from a victim advocate is important, so it can be as safe as possible. When I talk to victims, the question of whether they reported is usually not on the top of my mind. Because reporting isn’t always the solution. It can help or hurt. So keep that in mind as Liz and I talk today. So with that very long introduction. Welcome. Liz. Why don’t you start wherever you want to start. Liz: I’m the youngest of four and had a pretty normal LDS church upbringing. When I was about 12, I was praying about what had been happening to me. And if it wasn’t right, my oldest brother would not go on his mission. And for about a year, year and a half, there was sexual abuse. I thought maybe I was crazy, that I was making things up. I didn’t dare tell anyone, because why would I say something like that about my older brother? Then he left on his mission. I decided I must be crazy and that God didn’t care about me. And it totally put me on a really intense and destructive internal trajectory for my teenage years. This was spiritual abuse. Confronting Spiritual Abuse Liz: When I look at the statistics of what happens to girls who are abused, and the paths they take. I was not a promiscuous teenager, didn’t do drugs, alcohol and self harming. I was completely unmoored. Because of spiritual abuse I had no idea where the foundation was. to stand on. Many of the teachings of the church, eternal families, and we’re a happy family I didn’t know what to think or believe anymore. Because I was either making something up or this was huge, horrible, and awful, and why wasn’t anybody noticing? I finally told a few of my friends what had happened, and at this point of course my brother had come home from his mission. And my two siblings in between us were off at college, but he was going to college while living at home. So it was me and him in the home together. https://youtube.com/shorts/GcKBBYifx2I While there was no more sexual abuse, he hit me a few times. And there was a lot of physical intimidation where he would pick me up and dangle me over the stairwell. He was big enough that he could pick me up and do whatever he wanted. He had a lot of anger. And of course, my parents just told him to stop bothering his sister. Stop fighting kids, kind of thing. I told my friend after my brother hit me. Because he bruised me pretty good. They were like, you need to tell somebody, like an adult. And I just decided finally, I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m going to write this all down. And I left it in a pile of things on my desk in my room. It was not out on top. It was not super hidden away. What Will The Neighbors Think? Liz: But my mom searched my room. I came home from school that day to a typewritten letter from her. And in the letter, she told me that my brother had come to her before his mission. And she told him not to go to the bishop. Or that the bishop would drag my parents in, or I don’t know what. Just that the whole thing is like, no, let’s just not go there, because we were a church going family on the surface. The one thing that she said I remember distinctly was, what will the neighbors think? And I was like, is that what this is about? I grew up with my mom telling me that I was her baby girl. Growing up with that message from my mother and then finding out when I’m 16, that her pride and fear were more important, was extremely devastating to me. So when I was 16, I quit going to church because I was like, why, what’s the point here? Because you don’t care, and God doesn’t care, the spiritual abuse was so great that I felt the rug had been ripped out from underneath me, and my whole world was completely in turmoil. I barely graduated from high school, but I was still able to get into college and go away to college. At the time, I applied and got accepted to go away to college, which was my way of getting out of the house. That was when my oldest brother transferred to that university. So I went to university in my first year with him on campus. From what I understand, he did talk to a bishop. As we understand it, our doctrine includes restitution, with repentance. College & Continued Struggles Liz: And at one point I remember my mom sending my brother into my room to apologize to me. I just remember hearing her tell him in the kitchen, go apologize. And him coming down the hallway to my room, which is the last thing I want, is him in my room. So that was the dynamic, and I still felt like I was crazy. I went to one year of college with my brother. And I ended up dropping out because I was not emotionally prepared to be a college student. I didn’t have the skill set academically or emotionally to do what I needed to do. I believe at this point it’s about the time my sister was preparing to go on her mission. We hadn’t seen a lot of each other. I was downstairs, she came down. I do not remember what the conversation was about, but it turned into an argument. All of a sudden, she says, well, you’re not the only one who’s been abused. And of course, my world drops out from under me again. And she tells me that my dad started abusing my sister about the time my brother came home from his mission. My mother, from my perspective, treated my sister like the other woman, like my dad had had an affair. Mom did not protect her children, we both had been victims of abuse spiritual abuse. Well, when she dropped the bombshell, I still didn’t know what to do with myself. And my parents had told me that I couldn’t go back to college until I could pay for it myself, because I had dropped out. So instead, I went to California and was a nanny. Spiritual Abuse: Return To Faith, Motherhood & Realizations Liz: I wanted to have the gospel in my life again, so I returned to Utah, college, and the LDS church. Even in the turmoil since then, I realized that even with doubts and anger, I have the peace and joy I need in my life. I know because I’ve tried that other road. In the process of coming back, I didn’t bring anything up with my family. I just simply tried to be a good daughter and a good sister. And a good church member. I was married, and after a not super lengthy infertility road, I was blessed with two children. We ended up living in the neighborhood I grew up in. And when my daughter was about to turn one, I kept trying to talk to my mom about the abuse in our family. Her only real response was, I’m sorry, I can’t change the past. And so when my daughter was about to turn one year old, it all hit me what the statistics are for girls. That one in three or one in four will deal with abuse of some kind, sexual abuse of some kind or assault. There was an interaction with my brother where he had basically been fighting with his wife on the way up to my family’s. And he ended up yelling at me, and it totally rattled me. It took me way back to all his anger after his mission. I just realized that I was possibly letting my children be groomed for abuse in contact with my family. Anne: That is so brave of you. And you’re also being abused emotionally and psychologically in an ongoing fashion by your brother. This is how fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse. So the abuse that you’re experiencing from your brother is ongoing, plus the signs of spiritual abuse. Breaking Away Liz: Yes, and I walked in on my dad looking at what were celebrity bikini shots. Which some people would just bat their eye at and say, that’s nothing. But a 60 something year old man, who is an active, faithful LDS church member. Anne: Faithful in air quotes. It was part of the signs of spiritual abuse. Liz: Yeah, faithful and would have no reason, should not, look at something like that. And I remember going home and writing in it in my journal, because of course, you know, write it down, makes it real. Talking to my husband about it, trying to somehow reason it away. Four years later I caught my dad looking at some serious pornography on his computer. I knocked on the door and rang the doorbell. My dad wears hearing aids, came in the house, walked down the hall, and there he was on the computer. He hurried and clicked out of everything. But my husband is a computer guy. And for a while he put a tracker on their computer, and then he says, “No, I don’t want this because we’re just not going there.” We saw some, some serious stuff. https://www.btr.org/types-of-exploitation/ I went over to their house, and I took all the things that were mine that were still in their house. Photos of me, photos of my children, anything I had given them. Cleaned all my things out of their house. My husband and I discussed it. We got ready to put our house on the market and move out of my pa…

Full show notes at the publisher

**The Best Books About Emotional Abuse In Marriage** Jan 17, 2023
Show notes

If you’re looking for the best books about emotional abuse in marriage. It’s important to understand all the ways a husband can be emotionally abusive.

Before covering the best books about emotional abuse, if you’re wondering if your husband is emotionally abusive, take this free emotional abuse quiz.

***Trauma Mama Husband Drama*** is a picture book for adults, written by Anne Blythe, M.Ed. founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery.

*Trauma Mama Husband Drama* written by Anne Blythe and Illustrated by Cristalwolf Lobazul.

Books About Emotional Abuse Should Include Pornography Use

Too many religious leaders re-traumatize a woman when victims reach out for help because of their husband’s exploitative materials use or lies.

Anne Blythe, founder of BTR, created ***Trauma Mama Husband Drama***, in part to support women as they meet with clergy.

Women can bring this book with them when they meet with clergy, therapists, friends or family to help them understand this type of emotional abuse.

Books About Emotional Abuse Shouldn’t Victim Blame

Ever wonder if you are overreacting, expecting too much, imagining things, or just plain crazy? Are you wondering this because someone told you that you’re to blame?

Abusive men (including exploitative materials users) condition women to blame and berate themselves. When abusers gaslight their partners, women have difficulty detecting reality. They often believe that it’s their own intelligence, mental health, or emotional stability that is causing reality to feel so disorienting.

***Trauma Mama Husband Drama*** helps delineate the truth about the chaos, abusiveness, and fear that women experience when their partners use exploitative materials. This book validates and empowers women within themselves as they begin their journey to healing.

Books About Emotional Abuse Should Help Family & Friends Understand What You’re Going Through

Tragically, family and friends of victims often enable abusers to keep betraying and abusing – simply because they don’t understand abuse and trauma.

***Trauma Mama Husband Drama*** is short, easy to read, and there’s a high likelihood a support person will read it.

Victims need support to get to emotional safety and ultimately heal from the devastation of betrayal trauma.

If you need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session. TODAY.

Transcript: Best Books About Emotional Abuse

**Anne:** Some of you know, I have been working on a picture book for adults called *Trauma Mama Husband Drama* for a while. It is finally finished, and you can find it on Amazon. When you receive your copy of the book, it will be a verified purchase, and then will you please go to your Amazon account and give it a five star rating?

That makes a huge difference. You know, I’m also writing a non fiction book about how pornography use is abusive to a spouse. I used many examples from victims for that book. And it is very detailed. However, if you give this picture book to clergy or give the 300 page book to clergy, the likelihood of them reading it with the picture book is much higher.

The Journey of Creating the Book

**Anne:** It kind of came about when I was hanging out with a few sheroes. And we were joking around and I said, Trauma mama feeling sad, and everyone kind of laughed and I thought that’s it. I’m gonna write this book.

The way I found the illustrator was an absolute miracle. She is also an abuse survivor. She lives in Brazil, and I won’t go into how I found her, but it was an absolute miracle. She’s an amazing artist and the right artist for the job. And I can’t even really put into words what a miracle it was to find her, because there were many other artists I got samples from, and nothing was jiving. Crystal Wolf Labasol is her name.

We really clicked, and I’m so grateful for her hard work. It’s been about a year and a half. that it took us to create this picture book. We worked really hard on all the little details to make sure it was saying what we wanted it to say.

The Importance of Visual Learning

**Anne:** At the back of the book are a bunch of Betrayal Trauma Resources and infographics that help people understand this type of abuse. So we’ve got the power and control wheel. We have the abuse cycle.

This podcast is helpful to people. But there’s something about having this physical book that’s visual to help process it as well. It’s a different way of learning. It’s a different way of processing. Go to Amazon today and order it. You can also get to that link from our books page. So if you go to this link, there’s a section on books curated by Anne, and it’ll send you to Amazon.

Call to Action and Gratitude

**Anne:** I’m going to keep today’s podcast short, because it’s simply a call to action. I am grateful for those who will go immediately to order this book. Thank you for your support. Thank you for those who support the podcast monthly by doing monthly support from this website, which is btr.org. You go to the bottom and click on support this podcast.

All of you listening make a huge difference. The podcast downloads have increased exponentially over the years. And I’m honored the podcast has so many listeners and actually, blown away. And grateful that you are part of this mission to educate women about exploitative materials use, coercion, and infidelity are abuse.

So thank you, thank you, thank you.

ONE Powerful Thing I Didn’t Expect the Bible to Say About Boundaries in Marriage Jan 10, 2023

Show notes

If you’re wondering, “What does the bible say about boundaries in marriage?” You’re not alone. What Does The Bible Say About Boundaries In Marriage? Do the words boundaries in marriage even show up in the Bible? No. But the principle is everywhere. Scripture repeatedly warns us to be watchful, wise, discerning, and separate from people who choose deceit, harm, and destruction. So what if the person deceiving you, harming you, and causing destruction… is your own husband? That’s where things get uncomfortable. Because many women have been taught that biblical marriage means staying no matter what. Do the Boundaries Talked About in The Bible Only Apply to Non-Husbands? If you’ve been told to stay available for your husband (sexually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically) no matter how he treats you… That can’t be biblical. Because the Bible never commands you to participate in your own harm. It never instructs you to ignore deception or keep company with the “wicked.” In fact, it gives clear direction about what to do when someone consistently chooses harmful behavior. 1 Corinthians 15:33 says: “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’” And Psalm 101:7 says: “No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house; no one who utters lies shall continue before my eyes.” These verses don’t say, “unless it’s your husband.” Jesus Modeled Boundaries Jesus showed us how to set boundaries, even in marriage. When people tried to trap Him, manipulate Him, or harm Him, He didn’t stick around. He withdrew, walked away, or limited access. He didn’t try to “help” unsafe people just to prove He was loving. In Matthew 10:16, He says: “Be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.” That means if your husband lies, manipulates, intimidates, cheats, coerces, or keeps you in constant confusion…the Bible supports you protecting yourself. What Do Boundaries Look Like in Marriage? The types of boundaries in the bible would look like this in marriage: Refusing to engage in conversations where you’re being lied to Not being intimate with someone who has betrayed or harmed you Leaving the room or environment when behavior becomes unsafe Separating yourself from ongoing deception Following The Bible’s Counsel on Boundaries Isn’t Rebellion Many women of faith have been told that setting boundaries with their husband is rebellious or that protecting themselves is unloving. But scripture says otherwise. 2 Corinthians 6:17 says: “Come out from among them, and be ye separate…” And Ephesians 5:11 says: “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” If You’re Still Asking, “What does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage?” Here’s the one powerful thing: the Bible doesn’t ask you to expose yourself to ongoing deception. It calls you to recognize it, step back from it, and to walk in truth. And sometimes, the most faithful thing you can do…is leave. To find out if your husband’s behavior is emotionally abusive, take my free emotional abuse test. Transcript: What Does The Bible Say About Boundaries In Marriage? Anne: It’s just me today. Before I discovered the Living Free strategies. I searched to figure out our deliverance, even before I knew the word deliver. Myself and my children from a situation that we were in because we were being abused for eight years, post divorce. And I couldn’t figure out how to protect us. So I searched and prayed a lot. And this episode is from back then, when I was studying the scriptures a lot. So if you’re not interested in hearing me talk about scriptures, and what does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage? Maybe skip this episode. This is my study of boundaries. And since then, and through this process. I discovered the Living Free strategies. Which I used. And now my kids and I are completely free. And all the things I hoped for did come to pass. So that’s bringing me so much peace. And I love sharing this with you, with hope and faith. Knowing that this is possible, even though it might be very hard. My goal is to bring you hope to take one step at a time. You can find the Living Free strategies in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. Which is a workshop that helps you see your husband’s true character, determine what is going on, and then gives you safety strategies. The workshop itself doesn’t have any scriptures in it. I wrote it in a secular way, so that it would apply to everyone, no matter what their faith or paradigm. Boundaries in the Scriptures Anne: In the back of the workbook, there is a section that relates to the scriptures I studied, If you’re interested. I wanted to make sure anyone could use these strategies, because they work for everybody. They work no matter what. Learn more by clicking this link. So the rest of this episode is from before then. When I studied about boundaries, I picked a specific pen color that I would read the scriptures with, and then I would underline and circle scriptures about boundaries. And then this episode explains when I came across the word deliverance, and I picked a different color for the word deliverance and started studying deliverance. So I hope you can benefit from hearing part of my process of discovering the Living Free strategies. All right, cue up the recording from years ago. I am gonna focus on what the bible says about boundaries. So that you can see that there are many instances where God has told us to set boundaries. I think that will be helpful to you, and maybe give you some confidence. And also give you the support you need to set the boundaries you need to set for safety. It’s not a bad thing to start to define the abuse. Many women are worried about that, because they think that if I define the abuse, it will exist, but it exists anyway. The abuse is there whether you recognize it or not. And so identifying it won’t make it worse. It will enable you to get to safety. Examples of Boundaries in Matthew Anne: So we have an example of boundaries in Matthew 25. Talking about the 10 virgins and the wise set a boundary. In verse 9, “the wise answered saying, not so, lest there be not enough for us and you, but go ye rather to them that sell and buy for yourselves.” And then in 10 it says, “And the door was shut.” So there we have an example of God supporting a boundary, He’s talks about the unprofitable servant who wouldn’t do what he should do. And so in verse 30, it says, and cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness, there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. So that guy did not like that boundary, and he screamed and yelled, and he threw a big fit, but God did it anyway. And you don’t have the power, obviously, to throw somebody into outer darkness, but if you are wondering, “How do I set boundaries?” you have the power to create boundaries that work for you. It seems hopeless so many times, but it’s not. I want to give you that hope. No contact is one of those boundaries that I think is helpful for victims. In Matthew 26, Jesus shows his version of no contact in verse 63. It says, “But Jesus held his peace.” Meaning, he doesn’t say anything. He just decides to go no contact in that scenario. Another example of Jesus shutting down communication is in Mark chapter 11, verse 33. He says, “neither do I tell you by what authority I do these things.” What does the bible say about boundaries in marriage: Warnings & Preparation Anne: So Jesus says, you know what? You’re just going to use my words against me. I’m not going to talk to you about this. Now, some of us are frustrated that we’re in this situation in the first place, right? Why do we have to live in a world where this is happening? But throughout the scriptures, moving into Luke chapter 10, verse 3. “God tells us, Behold, I send you forth as lambs among wolves,” meaning be on your guard. You need to prepare. You need education about this. He doesn’t want us to stick our heads in the sand. And in Luke, there is an awesome parable called the parable of the unjust judge. I did a whole podcast episode about Luke 18, specifically it is called Should You Stay Married After Infidelity? You’ll find that episode specifically about Luke 18. It is good, the insight that came to me as I studied it. I won’t go into that now, but I want you to listen to that episode. Here’s another example of setting boundaries in marriage by not engaging in conversation in Luke 22. “They ask him, are thou the Christ?” And in verse 67, he says, “if I tell you, you will not believe. And if I also ask you, will you not answer me nor let me go?” He does not engage in their discussion. Testing Boundaries Anne: Now, this one is not regarding boundaries in marriage, but I like it. It’s John 7, verse 17. And it says, “if any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God or whether I speak of myself.” And I think that’s true of boundaries. When you’re testing something and want to know if this is true or not, you’re not going to know if it works or if it’s good for you unless you try it. And an abuser wants to control everything, and he doesn’t want you to try anything new. And he wants to make sure you don’t do anything that would make him uncomfortable. So when you experiment with how to set boundaries with your husband, it might make things worse for a little bit. At the same time, if you set a boundary and feel more peace, you can breathe and you’re like, Oh, I feel safer. Then you can know that that boundary is good, but you can’t know things if you don’t do them. Someone who is never honest will never know why honesty is important. Someone who does not obey the law of chastity won’t know why the law of chastity is so awesome. You can’t understand a principle if you do not live it. Except I don’t think you have to try drugs to know that they’re bad. Like, you don’t have to use pornography to know it’s bad. So, anyway, just take all that, what I said, with a grain of salt. There are so many things that I don’t say the right way. I appreciate you knowing that every word I say doesn’t always come out the exact right way. So thanks for your patience. Christ uses Boundaries Anne: Here’s another verse where Christ disengages. It’s John 8, verse 59. “Then they took up stones to cast at him, but Jesus hid himself and went out of the temple, going through the midst of them, and so passed by.” So he doesn’t say, hey, don’t throw stones at me. He is just out. And in John 9: 27, he’s again disengaging from conversation. “I have told you already, and you did not hear. Wherefore, would you hear it again? Would you also be my disciples?” Basically saying, we’re not going to get in an argument about this, because I’ve already told you, you already disagreed with me. And so we’re done. My favorite example of Christ setting a boundary is during the three temptations, the one where Satan tempts him with throwing himself off a building, and instead of being tempted into an argument, which is what Satan was really tempting him with, he was not tempting him with throwing himself off a building, because that’s a stupid temptation, no one would do that. He was tempting him with an argument, and instead of engaging in the argument, Christ says, “Get thee hence.” He sets a boundary of, I am not going to engage in this conversation with you. Because as we know, you cannot have an argument with Satan. It just leads to chaos and pain, and it never gets resolved. So in the Bible, after the Testaments of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, then Christ is crucified. What does the bible say about boundaries in marriage: Paul’s Teachings on Boundaries Anne: Then we have the Apostles, mainly Paul, talking about how to live the Christian life. There are a few misogynistic scriptures that I do not like that Paul wrote that I do not find comfort in. And instead of going into that, I would recommend you read Jesus Feminist, which is on our books page. But I will cover the scriptures from Paul that I find comforting. And I think you’ll find them comforting. Where Paul admonishes the righteous to set boundaries for their safety. Here’s one about boundaries that can be applied to marriage. This is in Romans 16 verse 17, “Now I beseech you, mark them which cause divisions and offenses contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned, and avoid them.” Meaning notice who is not being honest or faithful or keeping the law of chastity, and avoid those people. Pretty cut and dry. He does not say, Oh, understand them, and make sure you don’t shame them, and make sure you listen to them and are safe enough for them to tell the truth. He just says avoid them. In 2 Corinthians chapter 6 “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness, and what communion hath light with darkness. What agreement hath the temple of God with idols? For ye are the temple of the living God, and God hath said, I dwell in them, and walk in them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.” “Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord.” There is a clear call for a boundary to be set with someone who is not exhibiting healthy behaviors. “Be ye separate.” What does the bible say about boundaries in marriage: Ephesians & Thessalonians on Boundaries Anne: In Ephesians chapter 5 verse 11, Paul says the same thing about boundaries. “And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.” The only way to reprove is to set a boundary. Because if we start telling them, hey, you can’t do this or you can’t do that, it just gets into an argument and makes things worse. In 2 Thessalonians 3, verse 6, he says, “Now I command you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ that ye withdraw yourselves from every brother that walketh disorderly.” Again, a clear call for boundaries from Paul. And this one, many people are familiar with, and it’s going to list a bunch of unhealthy behaviors, and then at the end it’s going to issue the call for the boundary. So, I’m going to read through this. It’s 2 Timothy chapter 3. This is talking about the perilous times that will come in the last days. “This know also that in the last days perilous times shall come, for men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, truce breakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, high minded, lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying the power thereof.From such, turn away.” So the boundary is in verse five, and he says directly, “from such turn away.” He doesn’t say try to understand why they’re doing it and doesn’t say go to couple therapy with them. He doesn’t say make them dinner and do their laundry. Boundaries vs. Vengeance Anne: He says, from such, turn away. And then he says, “So do these also resist the truth. Men of corrupt minds reprobate concerning the faith. But they shall proceed no further, for their folly shall be made manifest to all men.” Now a boundary is different than vengeance. So what I’m talking about and what Paul is talking about is setting a boundary for safety. This is Hebrews 10 verse 30. “Vengeance belongeth unto me. I will recompense, saith the Lord. Again, the Lord shall judge his people.” So we know that like punishment or vengeance that belongs to God, but setting a boundary is for safety. That is different, that’s not what we’re talking about. And that’s not what Paul’s talking about. Peter also teaches boundaries in second Peter chapter two, verse 17 and 18. He says, “These are wells without water, clouds carried with tempest, to whom the midst of darkness is reserved forever. For when they speak great swelling words of vanity, they allure through the lusts of the flesh and through much wantonness.” “Those that were clean escaped from them who…

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6 Things What to Do When Your Child Watches Something Inappropriate Jan 03, 2023

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It’s hard to know what to do when your child watches inappropriate things. One dad shares his thoughts about protecting children from pornography. Discovering that your child has been exposed to inappropriate content, such as pornography, can be deeply upsetting. Many parents feel unsure of how to handle the situation—should you confront them? Punish them? Ignore it altogether? At Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR), we understand the complex emotions and challenges that come with situations like these. The reality is that these moments are opportunities to teach your child critical values that shape how they view themselves, women, and relationships. If you’re searching for information about this because you’re worried your husband is using pornography and your worried about when your child watches inappropriate things, you need support. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Why Should It Matter When Your Child Watches Inappropriate Things? Pornography isn’t harmless. It often perpetuates violence against women, portraying them as objects rather than equals, and reinforces exploitative behaviors for monetary gain. If you’re thinking you might be emotionally abused, take ourfree emotional abuse quiz. These messages will influence your child’s beliefs about gender roles, relationships, and power dynamics in harmful ways. Teaching them healthy perspectives early is crucial to healthy relationships. Step 1: Stay Calm Finding out when your child watches inappropriate things can be triggering, especially if you’ve experienced betrayal trauma in your own marriage. However, staying calm is essential. Overreacting can shut down communication and make your child less likely to come to you in the future. Instead, approach the situation with understanding and curiosity. A conversation might start like this: “I noticed you came across something online that may seem confusing or upsetting. Can we talk about it?” By fostering an open dialogue, you establish trust and create a safe space for them to express themselves. Step 2: Teach Them to Be Feminists Teaching boys to respect women as equals is one of the most effective ways to combat the negative influences of pornography. Explain the importance of empathy, integrity, and valuing everyone as a person, not an object. Discuss what respect means in the context of friendships, relationships, and society. Share examples of strong women in your life or history who inspire you—they’ll start to understand the importance of equality in everyday life. If you’re experiencing emotional abuse in your own home, it will affect your kids. So learning strategies to keep yourself safe is important. Enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to learn these emotional safety strategies. Step 3: When Your child watches inappropriate things: Explain How Women Are Exploited Help your child understand the grim reality of the pornography industry. Many videos online feature individuals who have been coerced, manipulated, or abused. Explain how exploitation often fuels these depictions, and why making ethical choices online matters. For example, you could say: “A lot of people in those videos are hurt or taken advantage of. Watching that kind of content supports something very harmful to others.” Shining a light on the exploitation behind pornography can help children grasp its consequences, fostering a sense of responsibility and compassion. When your child watches inappropriate things. Step 4: Teach Them Media Literacy The internet is full of content engineered to manipulate and desensitize users. Equip your child with the tools to critically evaluate what they see online. Teach them: How algorithms work to feed suggestive content. The importance of questioning the authenticity of what they see. That their choices online reflect and shape their values. When your child learns to think critically about what they’re exposed to, they gain the ability to make more informed decisions. Step 5: When your child watches inappropriate things: Create a Safe, Porn-Free Environment at Home When your child stumbles on inappropriate things because of your partner’s pornography use, it’s essential to address this issue on a family level. Some helpful first steps include: Using parental controls and content filters on household devices. Having regular conversations about internet safety. Setting clear family rules about technology use. Remember, a safe home starts with respect from all family members, including spouses. Step 6: Model Healthy Behavior Children absorb as much from what they see as from what they hear. Demonstrate mutual respect, healthy boundaries, and compassionate relationships in your daily interactions. If you’re in a challenging situation with a partner who uses pornography, listen to The Free Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast to learn more about how to keep your children safe from inappropriate things. Support for Mothers Concerned About Their Families At BTR, we understand the heartbreaking effects of a partner’s pornography use and the challenge of raising children in a world rife with inappropriate content. Our mission is to empower mothers to foster healthy, respectful environments for their families. If you’re struggling with your husband’s pornography use and are concerned about its influence on your children, our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions are here for you. These live, daily sessions offer the validation, encouragement, and practical support you need to create a safer, healthier home. You don’t have to face this alone. Together, we create homes where respect, equality, and emotional safety thrive. Transcript: What To Do When Your Child Watches Inappropriate Things Anne: I’ve invited a father to come on today’s episode to talk about what to do when your child watches inappropriate things. Welcome, Randy. Randy: Yes Anne, I am a father of five children. I’m actually about to be a father of six children. We just found out we’re going to have a boy in March. So my family is super excited right now. I’m also, of course, a husband, who has six children, and I’m a soldier. I’ve been in the military for, 16 years. Currently my assignment is as a chaplain with the 19th special forces here in Utah. I’m also a former police officer. I was a police officer for almost seven years in a small town of Southern Utah, where I had tons and tons of experience of what we’re about to talk about. Anne: So, let’s talk about how your experience as a husband, father, military chaplain and former police officer helped you realize how important it is to talk to our kids. And know what to do when our children watch inappropriate things like pornography. A Life-Changing Moment in Iraq Randy: Yeah, I was in Iraq with my unit, and during my time there, one of my battle buddies, a fellow soldier, got struck by an IED. During that event, he lost a limb and eyesight, and just tons and tons of damage to his body. And when he’s laying there on the ground, bleeding out, believing he’s about to pass away. His friend held him and cuddled him, and just, you know, gave moral support to tell him, you’re gonna survive. You’re gonna survive. But during that moment in his life, he gave instructions to his friend. Saying, hey, this is where I have pornography hidden in my locker, computer and these other places. Make sure you destroy it all. Delete the files, get rid of everything before you send all my stuff home to my wife and my family. I don’t want them to know I look at that. When that happened, it was a mental shift for me. A huge mental shift. Anne: My jaw just dropped, by the way, that that was like the number one thing on his mind. Like, not like tell my wife, I love her. Randy: No, no, it shifted my life. Now I wish I could tell you, like after that, my kids will not have any issues. Well, guess what? We had issues in our family. It just again, it was a sucker punch to the gut. It was like, oh my goodness. Like what is going on? I know the science. I know what it looks like. Why did this happen? And so it sent me into a frenzy of studies, research, and interviews. And I searched everywhere for the answers. When your child watches inappropriate things: The Metaphor of Battle Anne: So in your culmination of all your research, you decide to frame the issue in a metaphor. Can you talk about why you chose this metaphor? Randy: Yeah, absolutely. In the physical battle, the main thing a soldier does to their enemy is funnel your enemy soldiers into an area. You funnel them into a smaller area where they have to move slower and can’t fight back as well. They’re bunched together that way, as you’re firing on your enemy, it’s so much easier to hit them. That’s a quick analogy or metaphor, however you want to call it. I remember as a child playing tag, and every once in a while, someone would forget to set the boundaries. And so kids would run all over the place. It was really, really hard to tag other kids. It’s almost impossible to tag other kids, because they could go anywhere and spread out all over the place. However, when we play tag, we set the boundaries. No, don’t go past the playground. Don’t go past the sidewalk. Don’t go past mom or that tree. You set the boundaries that way. You bring all the other kids really close, and they’re easier to hit. They’re easier to tag. And the same thing is done in the pornography industry. They funnel us in, we’re easier to hit. And we get struck and we get struck over and over again. But when I saw this, it just blew my mind. It’s the exact same tactical strategy. Understanding the Battle at Home Anne: Many listeners to this podcast are women who are married to or once were married to pornography users. Men who exhibit abusive behaviors of lying and gaslighting and emotional and psychological abuse. Related to their pornography use, affairs or other compulsive sexual activity. We have seen the battle in our own homes. We’ve witnessed it with our own eyes, and it feels like a battle. In fact, here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, it feels like I am on the front lines of a war zone every day, all day long. So the metaphor of a battle is apt, and I appreciate it. I think women think of it that way. And as we try to protect our homes, and worry when your child watches inappropriate things, what tips would you have for parents to help educate their children about pornography? Randy: You’re exactly right. This is a true battle. I mean, this is the battle and be very, very clear. I love technology, and I’m not telling anyone to remove technology from your life. I’m not telling you kids can’t ever use it. Nothing like that, because we need our children, our youth, to use it wisely. The number one tip I have for parents is that they have to have an open, honest, and frequent conversation with their children. Now what I mean by that open is they have to be completely open to their youth, telling them everything about their life. Whether it’s masturbation, wet dreams, changes of the body, pornography, it has no prerequisites. Viewing Children as Victims of Pornography Randy: I know that sometimes in my life, my kids come up to talk to me, and I say, okay, I’m not going to talk to you until you do such and such thing. You know, it’s usually like go clean the room or something of that nature. But we have to have a very open relationship with our youth, where there’s no prerequisites, where the youth can come and just spill everything out and get it out on the table. When your child watches inappropriate things, there’s not going to be any anger. There’s not going to be yelling. We want our kids to come to us and be open about what’s going on. Anne: I think one thing that might help parents is that you’re talking to an abuse victim. So when a child has encountered pornography, the pornography has sexually abused them. It will always be an abuse issue. And if a child has seen it, the pornography has abused them itself. You would never get angry with an abuse victim. Well, some people do. In fact, we have that happen all the time at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Where wives of users go into maybe clergy or a therapist, and they’re told like this is your fault, so we know how that feels. But when it comes to our children, if we think of them as victims of the pornography, rather than that they have done something wrong. Then it will help us know how to respond to them in a more effective way. When your child watches inappropriate things: Open communication with children Randy: Yeah, you’re absolutely right. When your child watches inappropriate things, there’s a reason they return to it. And you know what? It’s completely natural. It’s a completely natural reaction to be like that. And there are ways we can circumvent it, and work with our youth. They are not evil, bad people. So you’re exactly right. We have to have the open conversation with that in mind. Anne: And that being said, if someone is abused as a child, it does not justify them becoming an abuser as an adult. So that being said, I don’t want to say that adult men who abuse their wives through lying or manipulation. Or other forms of psychological abuse through pornography use are the “victims” here. Because their wives and children are the victims. But I think it’s important to think about children in that way. It will also help reframe this pornography fight that we’re having across the world, to help other people see that this isn’t just something like that all 12 year old boys see. And it’s sort of this, graduation into sex ed or something like that. But this is genuine abuse, and children deserve an abuse free childhood. Randy: Yeah, I agree. And we have to help our children be ready for that. Anne: And having that open door of communication is important. Randy: Oh, amen. It’s imperative. You can have every block and everything on the phones and technology you want. Your youth, your kids can break through it in probably, 15 seconds. No matter what filters you have on your technology, if they want to, they will break through it. The Importance of Honesty with Kids Randy: So you have to have a conversation. That is the fail safe. That is the number one thing that’s going to keep your youth protected. When your child watches inappropriate things. They come to you and say, Hey, I made a mistake, and this is how I felt. And then you can help them protect themselves. I wanted parents to be empowered. I want them to talk to the youth. And I want to create that dialogue with their youth. If they ask you, hey Mom or Dad, have you seen pornography? And you say, no, you have just lost the battle. You just lost. It’s all around us. It’s in the world. Your kids adore you more because you are honest with them. And my kids are the same. I have a much better relationship with my kids, because they know that I’m a human and make mistakes. They can come talk to me about their mistakes, because I talked to them about my mistakes. Anne: My sons hate mermaids because they think mermaids are pornography, which I think is cute. And they’re like, we hate mermaids. All they wear are those dumb shell breast covers, Mom. And so my daughter, who is five, loves mermaids. So currently in our home, there is this sort of mermaid debacle where she would like to watch the Barbie mermaid show. And they’re like, no, that’s pornography. It’s very cute that they’re all having that discussion. And I don’t know what the answer is. I’m like, I don’t know you guys, I don’t know what the answers are, but I’m so glad that you’re considering this. Right? I’m so glad that you’re bringing this up and saying, she shouldn’t watch mermaids. Pornography as Landmines Anne: Those are the types of fights I love to see, I guess. Yeah, have an open dialogue. So I just let her watch her mermaid show that she wants to watch that is age appropriate when my sons are not around. Randy: Now in life, in battle, everyone knows what landmines are, rig…

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THE BEST SELF CARE BOOKS FOR WOMEN HEALING AFTER BETRAYAL Dec 27, 2022

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If you’re searching for self care books for women after discovering your husband’s betrayal, It’s likely you’re overwhelmed and trying to find ways to get through the day, feed your kids, answer one text, or stop ruminating. After reading over 50 books and interviewing many experts, here are seven things to know about self-care when you’re in the fog of betrayal trauma. If you’re struggling in the fog and need support try our Betrayal Trauma Recovery group sessions. 1. SELF CARE IS BEING UNDERSTANDING WITH YOURSELF The most important thing about self-care after betrayal is that you’re understanding with yourself. Trauma doesn’t stay in your thoughts. It moves throughout your whole body. Not all women experiencing betrayal trauma feel it the same way. Some women collapse. Some women leap into problem solving mode, finding self care books. Many do a mix. Some days they can’t get out of bed. Other days they over-function. So it’s really important to know that your body is responding to the trauma, exactly how it should. There’s nothing wrong with you, and that realization alone can be a form of self-care. Self-care might be as simple as putting your hand on your heart and saying, “My reaction makes sense. Any woman in my situation would be feeling and acting like this. I’m completely normal.” Self care books recommendation: The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk helps explain why betrayal trauma doesn’t stay neatly in your thoughts. It moves through your entire body. 2. SELF CARE IS TAKING A BREAK FROM EXPLAINING Part of self-care after betrayal is knowing you can take a rest from trying to explain it. When betrayed, they’ve often spent days, months, years trying to describe it to their friends and family. Just doing this is exhausting. Talking to people who understand and you don’t have to like convince is a form of relief. In fact, I wrote a picture book about this. It’s called Trauma Mama Husband Drama. Self care books recommendation: Trauma Mama Husband Drama by Anne Blythe helps shift your focus away from whether he or anyone else “gets it” and toward what actually protects you. 3. SELF CARE IS REFUSING TO TAKE THE BLAME FOR HIS BETRAYAL If your husband’s betrayal has turned your inner voice against you, that matters. There could have been gaslighting about why he did it, with statements like ‘you are too controlling’ or that ‘you didn’t do this or that’, and that’s why he lied to you. He could have made a hundred million different choices. He could have eaten ice cream every day, or gone bowling. Choosing to lie to you was a choice that he made that has nothing to do with you. It’s not your fault. Self care books recommendation: Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff gently interrupts the spiral that his deception creates. This is one of the most important self care books for women to read—because healing gets harder when you’re carrying both his betrayal and self-condemnation. 4. SELF CARE AFTER BETRAYAL IS FINDING WHAT REALLY MATTERS TO YOU After betrayal, most women describe themselves as being in survival mode. Everything can feel like a priority. What do you even focus on first? His behavior? The kids? The finances? Trying to figure out the truth? This is where self-care after betrayal becomes less about doing more and finding what actually matters right now. Self care book recommendation: Essentialism by Greg McKeown helps you sort through all of the things that are vying for your attention, so you can focus on what is essential to support yourself. 5. WHEN PRESSURE TO FORM SELF CARE HABITS IS TOO MUCH, TRY A RITUAL Creating new habits can be fun and useful. But for women who are carrying the heavy emotional load from their husband’s betrayal, too much pressure to start a new habit can feel like another accusation that they’re not doing enough. Instead of asking, “What new habit should I force myself to start?” Try creating a new ritual that invites you to be present in your own life. Try asking, “What state am I in right now?” and “What small, meaningful action could help me move toward peace?” Like: Like wrapping your child in a blanket and singing one little song before bed. Sitting quietly in the car for three minutes before walking into the house. Before responding to a difficult text, pause and say to yourself, “I don’t have to answer that right now.” Listening to a story or podcast episode before bed that helps restore some hope Or taking one minute after doing something hard to say, “I’m proud of myself for doing that.” Hopefully, you’ll find that the action you choose will restore some sense of peace and confidence in yourself. A NOTE ABOUT SELF CARE BOOKS FOR WOMEN AFTER A HUSBAND’S BETRAYAL It makes sense that many women experiencing betrayal trauma struggle to focus enough to read full books. If that’s you, know that it’s completely normal to be overwhelmed and you’re not alone. Our goal isn’t to add another thing to your “plate”to do” list. More than anything, we want to experience moments where your body can feel a little more safe. Try listening to The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. You can listen while you walk. You might find that the other women’s stories will heal you. main Takeaways from this interview: How Some Self Care Books Misidentify the Problem How Creating a Ritual for Yourself is Better than a New Habit Finding Ways that Work for You to Take a Break From the Pain Taking Steps to Be Present and Create Emotional Safety in Your Life Creative Ways to Use Rituals in Healing From Betrayal TRANSCRIPT: SELF CARE BOOKS FOR WOMEN AFTER BETRAYAL Anne: I wanna explain a little bit about why self-care for women who’ve been betrayed is different. Than just your run of the mill self-care that people and self care books talk about. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take ourfree emotional abuse test. Years ago, my mom sent me a Wall Street Journal article entitled Standing Against Psychiatry’s Crazies. It was an interview with psychiatrist Paul McHugh. And the basic point that stuck with me was this: Sometimes the psychiatric and therapeutic community misses what’s actually happening with people. McHugh believed that often practitioners did what he called “DSM checklist psychiatry” matching up symptoms from The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders with the goal of achieving a diagnosis. Rather than figuring out the “true sources and nature of the affliction.” When I read that, I immediately thought about betrayal trauma, because this is what so many women in our community experience. She might be told she has PTSD. She might be told she’s codependent, that she’s too reactive, that she’s reacting instead of responding. Whatever that means, perhaps she needs to look at herself to see how she contributed to the problem, and she needs self-care. The problem is that’s still all about her, and it’s not recognizing that she’s a victim of abuse, and there’s nothing she can do about his abusiveness toward her because it’s all his fault. The problem is that’s still all about her, and it’s not recognizing that she’s a victim of abuse, HOW SOME SELF CARE BOOKS MISIDENTIFY THE PROBLEM Anne: She doesn’t have a part to play. Many of the women experiencing betrayal trauma have symptoms that would qualify as PTSD or c-P-T-S-D. However, I don’t think women have a syndrome. I think they’re reacting in normal ways to what is happening to them. And if that abuse is not identified, which is frequently the case, then they’re just told they have trauma, but they’re not told what the trauma is actually from. And in that case, the women are treated like they’re a problem, and they don’t have a problem at all. Their husband is the problem. On the other side of that, they may not identify him as an abuser. They may say he has an addiction or childhood wounds, and that’s causing this behavior, but that behavior isn’t identified as emotional or psychological abuse or coercion. Some people put her in a position to help resolve his abusiveness. After reading over 50 self care books, trauma books and interviewing over 200 women about their experience with betrayal trauma, I found most information about self-care in books or from therapists ignores the most important thing. Self-care isn’t gonna do a whole lot for you if you’re still being injured. No doctor would say, “Let’s work on healing this if the injury is still occurring.” So it doesn’t make any sense that a therapist or psychiatrist would ask her to look at her childhood wounds or heal from her PTSD or anything like that if he’s still lying to her. In that article, he says the same thing that a lot of times they match the symptoms, but it doesn’t actually explain what’s really happening. WHY BETRAYAL TRAUMA RECOVERY GROUPS FOR WOMEN WORK Anne: And the solutions they propose don’t actually work in the real world. So that’s why I created Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. Because women needed to talk to other women who understand, who didn’t blame them, who didn’t diagnose them. And say, “Yeah, you’re reacting like I did. We’re all totally normal, sane people. Anyone who had this happen would have a hard time sleeping. Anyone who had it happen would have flashbacks. Anyone who had this happen would be upset. This is totally normal.” The other important thing about Group Sessions that was important to me. I don’t ever recommend you do couple therapy with your husband if he’s betrayed you. I talk about this so much. But in terms of therapy, it’s so expensive, and what women really need is actual daily support that is inexpensive, especially with the financial pressures they’re under. And so Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group is the most inexpensive way to get the most support. Okay, now my interview with Danielle. She is incredible. We had a really good discussion about the overwhelm women feel and how to reframe self-care so that it can actually be a relief to you. Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery. This is Anne. DANIELLE’S ADVICE FOR SUSTAINABLE GROWTH Anne: I have Danielle McGeough on today’s episode. She is a professor, speaker and transformation strategist, known for her warm grounded approach to change through her signature RISE Ritual Method and her Plan Goal Plan podcast. She helps high performing women and teens reconnect with their core identities, navigate transitions, and create intentional plans that lead to sustainable growth. As a self-proclaimed ritual nerd, Danielle believes planning is more than productivity, and I’m so excited to have her on today to talk to us about how we can create some structure for our healing from betrayal. Welcome. Danielle Danielle: Thank you so much for having me. I’m excited to be here. Anne: So Danielle, let’s start with your story. You call yourself a ritual nerd. Can you tell us more about that? Danielle: Growing up, I was not the smart kid, at least that’s what I told myself. All of my report cards describe me as unique, which is a polite way of saying weird. I was a very quirky kid, and I’m a pretty quirky adult. When I was probably 20 years old, I decided to get a PhD and become a professor. Going into that, I knew that I was going to be in a doctoral program with all these smartypants, many of whom had been the smart kids their whole lives. So I told myself that the only way I could keep up is if I worked twice as hard as everyone else. I FELT LOST IN SELF CARE AND HABIT ADVICE Danielle: If I created all the habits, work habits, life habits, study habits. You have a habit, I’m gonna stack it and that’s how I’m gonna keep up with everyone else. I did it and it worked. And I got the PhD, I got the dream job, and I earned tenure. Fast forward about 15, 20 years later, I found myself absolutely flat, hollow. I had done the thing that honestly, I didn’t really believe that I could do, and I should have felt satisfied. And I should have felt incredibly proud, elated, and instead I felt pretty lost. I had no idea what I wanted to do next. I had no idea what I actually enjoyed doing. My inclination was, wooh! I guess we better start some new habits, like what else can we stack? I was fortunate that I was teaching a class at the time where a student actually gave a presentation on decorative planning. She was taking her planner and covering it in stickers, because her therapist had recommended that as a way for her to have positive associations with her time management. She was really avoiding any sort of time management strategies. So put some pretty stickers in it. Doodle, let’s make this into a craft project. I was like, Ooh, that’s fun. So I started to do that. And as I did it, it made me realize that what I did really wasn’t a new habit. It was actually a ritual, which is something I’ve been researching and teaching about. The biggest difference between a habit and a ritual is that a habit is designed to eventually become unconscious. It is meant to be automatic. You get a habit down, you don’t think about it. WHAT WILL MY LIFE BE LIKE NOW? Danielle: And I will say as women. Who carry a lot of mental and invisible loads, not thinking about self care or self care books. Having good habits is wildly important, because we need to offload some of that to automaticity. But if you do that too much, you’re stripping yourself of meaning and intentionality. And what rituals do is actually transition us from one state to another. They invite presence, and they infuse our actions with meaning. Anne: You just described a similar situation to what all my listeners are going through. In your case, it wasn’t this specifically, but to relate it to all my listeners, when you get married, you have this certain identity. You’re thinking, I’m going to grow old with this person. This is the life that we’re going to have. We’re going to build this life together. And when you discover he has betrayed you, everything shifts. You wonder who you are, you wonder what my life will be? I wouldn’t say it feels flat, it feels very, very traumatic, but it has the same type of next steps where you have to, well, you don’t have to. I didn’t do this for a while. For a while, I sat on the couch and ate Oreos. But at some point. We try to make steps forward like reading self care books, into, okay, what is my life going to be like now? so a lot of women are trying to decide, do I stay with him? Do I leave? If I stay with him, how am I going to act? What is my life gonna be like if I leave? What is it gonna be like? It’s just all of this, how do I move forward? In my journey, I knew that my husband had betrayed me and that he had lied to me. And so I went through seven years of sex addiction therapy, trying to help him with his sex addiction. THINGS WE DO TO SURVIVE, FINDING SELF CARE BOOKS Anne: And then he was actually arrested. when he was taken from our home, that was when the most trauma hit. And that was the time I just mentioned where I was on the couch quite a bit, watching a lot of television, eating a lot of Oreos, and I wouldn’t say that habits were on my radar. Anne: This stage is different for everyone. Some women are like, they get up at five o’clock in the morning in their trauma, and they run 10 miles, and that’s how they feel better. It depends on them. I did the couch and the Oreos thing. I always wanna tell women, no matter what you do, don’t feel bad about it. Especially if you’re on the couch, like eating Oreos not reading self care books, because emotionally I felt like a truck had hit me. There’s no doctor in the world that’s gonna be like, a truck just hit you. Now you need to do all this stuff. They’d be like, lay in bed, heal, watch some TV. I’m a big fan of that. So, I’m not sure if that is a ritual? ’cause it certainly wasn’t a habit, or maybe it was a habit, but what’s the difference between the things we fall into to survive, and it’s totally fine. And then what helps us transition into something more intentional, and maybe something that we choose? Can you help me s…

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Christian Help For Infidelity: When You Don’t Know What To Do Dec 20, 2022

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Your husband’s infidelity is heartbreaking. As a Christian, this truth remains constant—you’re called to protect yourself from evil and pursue spiritual safety. If you’re looking for Christian help for infidelity, here’s what you need to know. If you’ve just discovered your husband’s infidelity, start with this free emotional abuse quiz to see if what else might be going on. What’s The Spiritual Problem? If you’ve been led to believe that the betrayal in your marriage is because you haven’t prayed enough or prayed enough yet. If your husband or clergy has told you that infidelity is your fault because you didn’t submit to him? These are evil lies. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcKBBYifx2I The infidelity had nothing to do with how you communicate, how you look, or even how often you’ve been intimate. YOU are not the problem. Adultery is a sin. Nowhere in scripture does it say a man’s sins are the fault of his wife’s eye rolling. The real problem is your husband’s emotional and psychological abuse, his chronic lying, manipulation, gaslighting, sexual coercion, and financial secrecy. Christian Help For Infidelity The Best Christian Help For Infidelity: The Word of God Scripture reminds us of the importance of standing against wickedness and seeking freedom from harm. Here are a few powerful verses to encourage and guide you as you seek to deal with his infidelity as Christ would: Ephesians 5:11 – “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” Proverbs 4:23 – “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” James 1:27 – “…to keep oneself unstained by the world.” These scriptures show that separating yourself from abuse and deception is what God wants for you—it’s biblical. You are not called to suffer in silence or endure abuse for the sake of appearances or misguided concepts of forgiveness. Healing From Infidelity Christian Jesus didn’t come to keep you stuck in pain. He came to bring freedom, peace, and healing. Luke 4:18-19 tells us His mission was to set captives free and lift up the oppressed. That doesn’t mean women should remain in a marriage where there’s infidelity or emotional abuse, sacrificing her well-being for a man who takes the name of God in vain when he claims to love God, but his actions prove otherwise. The Bible reminds us to pay attention to actions, not just words. Matthew 7:16 says, “You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles?” And in 1 John 3:18, we’re encouraged to “not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” Healing After Infidelity Christian If your husband’s actions don’t reflect God’s love, He commands you to prioritize your safety and peace. Jesus came to deliver you from evil. He never asked you to submit to it. Facing Misguided Clergy or Pressure Sadly, some people might tell you to stay with a man who is hurting you or taking advantage of you. For example, kind people like clergy or members of your community might say this. They might even tell you that staying shows your faith or that it’s a good sacrifice. Also, others might say that if you just pray hard enough, God will change your husband. But, it’s important to remember that no one should have to stay in a situation where they are being hurt. Dealing With Infidelity As A Christian This is not what Christ intended. God calls us to live in safety and truth, not submission to evil. You don’t have to be an “abuse victim for Jesus.” Jesus fights for the oppressed and calls for justice. Of course, you can pray for your husband to repent, but what does that have to do with remaining in proximity to his harm? Christian help For Infidelity solutions The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop was taken from scripture. In studying what Christ said, we teach women to… Get Educated About Abuse: Hosea 4:6 My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee. Our Savior wants us to be educated, especially about abuse. Listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast to learn about what other Christian women did when they discovered their husband’s infidelity. Infidelity Christian Counseling Establishing Safety: Learn strategies to protect yourself from emotionally, physically, and spiritually abusive behaviors. To learn more, enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop Find the Right Support: Our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions connect you with a coach who understands what you’re going through. She’ll help guide you toward clarity and peace. Biblical Help When You Discover Your Husband’s Infidelity The Bible encourages you to cast out evil from your presence. That is Christian help for infidelity. This could include separating from a husband who lies, manipulates, and emotionally abuses you. Choosing safety is NOT a sinful decision—it’s one of strength and faith. Consider practical steps to safeguard your wellbeing: Set Boundaries: Begin by creating physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries with the strategies in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop Connect with a Supportive Community: Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session to find understanding and empowerment with women who’ve been through the same pain. Seek Truth and Healing: Trust in God’s plan for your freedom, and explore tools like our Living Free Workshop to build a better, safer life. Christ Is With You – Even After Infidelity Jesus came to bring hope to those hurting, and freedom to those who feel trapped. He cares about your pain and sadness. You deserve a life full of peace and hope. Start healing from infidelity today with Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Christian Marriage Counseling For Infidelity Transcript: Christian Help For Infidelity Anne: I have a pastor on today’s episode, we’re going to call him pastor Pete. He talks to a lot of women in his congregation who have just discovered their husband‘s sexual addiction. And he’s been known to say that when men have a “sexual addiction,” or when they use pornography, that they’re participating in sexual assault. Welcome Pete. Can you talk about why you came to that conclusion that a sexual addiction. In other words, viewing pornography participates in sexual assault. Pete: Sure, a little background, many years ago, talking to men and hearing them. I realized that one of the real desires they had in getting married was to find someone upon whom they could act out all the pornography they had seen over the years. And that just showed me how much today’s young men have been immersed in pornography. This was something new to me. You know, as somebody who grew up before the internet, I didn’t have that kind of access to it from a young age, as so many people do today. There’s something intrinsically violent about pornography. There’s something intrinsically violent about that kind of sexual transgression. And I really came to see even more that most people involved in making pornography are doing so against their will. Or they’re doing so because it’s their last option. So they seek Christian help for infidelity. And I’m sure you know that tons of the pornography in the world comes from impoverished countries. Where people are taken advantage of, or this is the only way they can earn some money. And for us to look at pornography, we must participate in that violence. Biblical Perspective on Sexual Ethics Pete: As you look at the Bible, you look at what it’s like to think as a Christian. God made us so he can tell us how to live. He can set the standards, set the rules. And we find early in the Bible, the 10 commandments, right? These commandments govern human behavior, both in our relationship to God and our relationship to other people. As we continue to read the Bible and Jesus comes, we find out what we should have known. Many people knew all along. Which is that these 10 laws, these 10 rules, weren’t binary. As long as you don’t commit adultery, you’re fine. We realized that each of these laws actually summarizes a much wider ethic. And so Jesus would say, “You have heard it said. You shall not commit adultery.” Right? So that’s what people have been told us what the law says. That is Christian help for infidelity. And then he would say, but I say to you, anyone who looks at another person lustfully is guilty of breaking that law. So he took the very defined, specific law and made it very broad. It was meant to be that way all along, to hold that standard of do not commit adultery. It’s not just to not fall into bed with somebody to whom you’re not married. But it’s to honor other people. It’s to not think lustfully about them. As we expand what’s meant by these laws, we see that if we participate in a sin that demands violence, we’re also participating in that violence. Live for the good of other people Anne: Yeah, I’m so grateful for the commandments for this reason. They’re not just a criteria for whether we get into heaven. I like how you said they’re not binary. Like, if you commit adultery. You won’t go to heaven. And if you don’t commit adultery, you will go to heaven. Instead, the commandments are about our relationships and how we interact with other people. And this is God saying, I love all my children. While you’re down there. I don’t want you to hurt anybody else. The commandments are more about. Whether we harm other people in this life. Are we making the world a better place? Are we making it more peaceful? Can we create heaven in our relationships right now? It’s sad to me that so many Christians don’t think of the commandments in this way. Because if every person in the world obeyed the commandments, the level of destruction and harm caused to other people would be greatly reduced. I mean, we all make mistakes. There are so many ways that we can harm others accidentally, even if our intent is good and we’re still obeying the commandments, but the level of harm would be seriously reduced. Pete: Sure, and you think about how Jesus summarized those laws. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself. Christian help for infidelity includes all those ten laws summarized in two. Live for the glory of God. And to do that, you live for the good of other people. And so if everyone on this earth lived for the glory of God, how do they do that? By only ever doing good to other people. Christian help for infidelity: Change from the inside out Pete: Jesus says adultery is not just having a sexual relationship with someone to whom you’re not married, but even lusting. It’s even desiring, looking at that person, as an object, objectifying the person. According to Jesus’s standard, when your heart desires something in that way, you’ve given your heart to it, you’re allowing your heart to long for it. You’re still guilty of that sin. Because Jesus isn’t just interested in moderating our behavior as if we can have evil desires. But as long as we restrain those desires, we’re good. No, we’re to be changed from the inside out. It’s where desires are good, and therefore our behavior is good. What we do simply reflects who we are on the inside. And so we’re to be changed, transformed from the inside out. That is Christian help for infidelity. Anne: Yeah, and he’s not just sinning against the women in pornography and lusting after them. But in so doing, he’s not paying attention to his wife or giving her the attention she deserves or needs. So it’s both that he’s harming the women in the pornography by participating in an exploitative, abusive industry. And he’s also withholding love, affection, and support from his wife. Pete: Right, and then you can go farther to say you’re also showing your discontent with God. You’re criticizing God for not giving you someone or giving you something. And you’re expressing this dissatisfaction in how God has related to you. As if he’s holding back. So I don’t think we can overestimate the depravity of human nature as displayed in this kind of sin. The Deceit in Sexual Sin Anne: Yeah, at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we call it abusive. We say pornography use is abusive to your spouse. And some people have told me that’s too extreme. And I tell them there’s no other word I can think of that shows the severity of this behavior. It is so harmful that just to say, it’s not good, isn’t going far enough. Pete: Mm-Hmm, yeah, and you know, before I came on here, I had to spend some time thinking about that, and I haven’t yet reached a conclusion. I certainly understand why you say it, and I completely agree in many cases. Anne: From my point of view, I would say every instance is abusive in and of itself, whether the person is an abuser. Do they know it’s harmful and continue to engage in it? And also, do they lie? Do they manipulate people to hide their behavior? Let’s let’s talk about that for a minute. Let’s talk about the deceit when men seek Christian help for infidelity. Pete: Yeah, deceit, when people commit this sin, they cover their tracks. That deceit can take different forms. That deceit can cover up your behavior. So erasing your browser history in the hope that people won’t see it. It can be the failure to report behavior. And then there’s the deceit of even, as a Christian, you know, The Lord’s Supper is an ongoing ritual Christians participate in that draws us close to Christ. And before we take Lord’s Supper, we’re meant to examine ourselves and see, do I have any behavior in my life that is ongoing and unrepentant that I’m refusing to conform my behavior to what God calls me to? The Consequences of Unrepentant Sin Pete: And if week after week, I’m participating in the Lord’s Supper. I’m deceiving people around me. And in a sense, I’m trying to deceive God um, ultimately. Unrepentant sin like that can be proof that I’m not truly a Christian. Anne: Many of our clients at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, their husbands, are participating in that level of deceit. And that would be another reason why I use the word abuse. Pete: Yeah, and I think we’re all capable of distinguishing between people who didn’t know they were just young and immature versus the person who is really being deceptive and hiding it. From 1st Thessalonians chapter 4, where Paul, was writing to a church. And he’s really warning them about sexual immorality. He’s telling them of the importance as a Christian, you become Christians. How do you behave now that you’re a Christian? When you want Christian help for infidelity? You’re to abstain from sexual immorality. And the positive side of that commandment is to control your own body, holiness, and honor. He warns that nobody’s to wrong another, because the Lord is an avenger. When he uses that word wrong, that’s related to greed or fraud. So he’s essentially saying that this kind of sexual sin, in which pornography would fall under, is a form of defrauding other people. Christian help for infidelity: The Escalation of Pornography Addiction Pete: When people do pornography, initially a small amount will satisfy, but they have to push themselves into darker stuff and into greater quantity. And as you study the human brain, you understand why. Your body craves deeper and deeper chemical experiences. It takes more and more.to give you the same experience that you wanted. And if you talk to certain people who have been addicted to drugs or something. They may say they’ve been chasing that first high, you know, that first time they experienced heroin, that it gave them some experience. They’ve always been trying to find again. Pornography can be like that. You spend your whole life indulging in it to a deeper degree, trying to recover the shock, the electric feeling you had the first time. Anne: Yeah, we see that all the time, how it escalates. So as a Christian, I feel like pornography leaves a void, and some of my listeners aren’t religious. But for our Christian friends, who…

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Does My Husband Need A Sex Addiction Therapist Near Me? Dec 13, 2022

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If you’re typing “sex addiction therapist near me” because your husband says he has an addiction, you’re not alone. For nearly two decades, I have helped women navigate betrayal and the confusing labels that surface in the midst of their searches for help. After over 200 long-form interviews and more than 8,000 clients served, here is what I’ve learned matters most: The impact his behavior has on you matters more than the label. Below are the most common patterns to pay attention to when you’re searching for help. PATTERNS TO IDENTIFY BEFORE GOING THE ADDICTION RECOVERY ROUTE 1. EVIDENCE OF GROOMING IN THE RELATIONSHIP Looking back, did it seem like your relationship moved fast, like you were being “swept off your feet?” Did your husband’s texting, romantic gestures, over-the-top generosity, pushing sexual or emotional boundaries, and talk of the future early in the relationship, cause you to feel swept up in something that turned out to be too good to be true. Using manipulation to build trust and emotional dependence before his deception is exposed is grooming. And it’s a separate issue from “addiction.” 2. HE HAS A HISTORY OF SECRET INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR If you’re discovering hidden accounts, secret inappropriate media use, online sexual chatting or affairs, you’re not looking at single momentary lapses in judgment. You’re looking at a pattern of lies and behaviors that helped him sustain a double life. Secrecy like this takes planning. It requires him to lie to you, day after day. 3. He Lies Convincingly TO COVER HIS TRACKS Do you feel outsmarted by your husband? Maybe you’ve felt something was off with his online activities, but his browsing history and chats are always clear of anything that would confirm your feelings. Maybe he always seems to have the perfect excuse for the odd messages that you do catch or why the office was mistaken when they said he’d left for the day. Many men who hide their activities, do so through the use of multiple devices and secret apps, but regardless of whether you catch him or not, your gut feelings are giving you important information. 4. He Makes You Feel Crazy What happens when you sense that something isn’t quite right? Does your husband invalidate your feelings or accuse you of being “suspicious, paranoid or imagining things?” Does he question your memory of facts and events? A man who has nothing to hide shouldn’t feel threatened by your intuition. 5. HIS REACTIONS TO SIMPLE QUESTIONS ARE INAPPROPRIATE Are there moments when his reactions don’t match the question you’re asking? Maybe you ask why he was late coming home from work or what his plans are on Saturday, and he becomes cold or angry. Or maybe he even calls you names, yells, or throws things because he’s “tired, frustrated, or feels like you’re attacking him.” Many women quickly learn to “stay in line” to prevent outbursts like these which accomplishes his goal of controlling you. 6. HE USES THERAPY FOR HIS ADDICTION TO AVOID ACCOUNTABILITY Does he say things like “I can’t help it, I’m working my program” or “you’re triggering me” as a way to sidestep responsibility for the feelings you have about the harm he has done. By this point he’s created an emotionally unsafe environment for you that the label of addiction can’t erase. Real accountability sounds like specific ownership of past harm and present change. It doesn’t sound like clinical language used to explain away betrayal. 8. He Minimizes or Redefines His Harmful Behavior Does he downplay what happened? When phrases like “it wasn’t anything serious, I’d never do anything to hurt you” or “it’s not like I cheated” show up he’s telling you that his intentions matter more than your feelings about the reality of his actions. Minimization is part of the cycle he uses to keep you off-balance. 9. He Shifts Blame to You Has he suggested that his behavior is a reaction to yours? Saying things like “if you had been meeting my needs, I wouldn’t have stumbled or relapsed” or if things we’re so stressful at home, I wouldn’t need to escape.” No matter what you do or don’t do, his behavior belongs to him. The fact is that he has hundreds of coping choices available to him every day, just like you do. Choosing to betray you and blaming you for it, is just manipulation. 10. You Feel Relief When You’re Away From Him This may be the clearest sign. Do you feel more calm, confident, and stable when he isn’t around. Relief is information. DOES HE REALLY NEED A SEX ADDICTION THERAPIST NEAR ME OR IS THIS SOMETHING ELSE? Here’s the hard truth: In the addiction model alone, your next steps are often going focus on helping him through a 12-step program, addiction therapy, or recovery support which often discourages women from calling his behavior emotionally abusive and it desensitizes them to manipulation. The way you define what’s really happening matters in determining your next move. Start by asking yourself: Do I feel emotionally safe? What boundaries do I need? What support do I need? Is he trustworthy? You do not need to diagnose him to know whether you feel safe. If you are unsure whether your husband’s behavior qualifies as addiction, manipulation, or emotional abuse: Take our free emotional abuse quiz. Enroll in the Workshop to determine your level of safety. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session for validation and clarity. After nearly two decades of helping women thrive after betrayal, one truth remains clear: You don’t need to figure this out alone. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJgSmoYB0EQ Transcript: The Truth About Betrayal Trauma & causes of addiction Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode, we’re going to call her Cindy. Welcome Cindy. Cindy: Good morning, thank you, Anne. Anne: So Cindy, why don’t you just start with your story wherever you want to start? Cindy: Sure, last February, I had what I now call my third and final D-Day in my relationship with my husband. I basically witnessed some behaviors that when I confronted him, it became evident to me that he had relapsed quite a time before. So basically, I found out again that he was in his addiction and lying for the three years prior. Being that I had some bottom line boundaries for myself, which was that I would not be in a relationship with an addict not pursuing recovery. And that I would not be kept in the dark again about my reality. And after talking to him through this, it became evident that it was now time for me to say we couldn’t continue. We had been in recovery for 10 years post my initial D-Day, and I was comfortable calling it quits at this point. So since August, I’m legally separated. We are heading for divorce. It’s not a therapeutic separation. Anne: So for women who just started listening to the podcast, let’s talk about a couple terms you brought up. Can you define D-Day for us? Cindy: Yes, that’s a shorthand way of saying the day of discovery. Usually we use that term to describe the first day of discovery. The BTR coaches tend to use it for any discovery that has kind of redefined reality. Recognizing Red Flags Cindy: The original discovery when I first discovered his pornography use last February. I realized he had returned to using it. I talked to many women. Who, like myself, before I had the education I have now, think some of their relationships are on a path to healing. But, until we know the signs, learn to trust our gut and pay attention to the red flags, and know about the causes of addiction. We can put faith in the fact that our spouses are on the right road. Or that good start is gonna last. And so, I’ve heard many women say, I knew about this, I found out about this, and I thought X, Y, and Z. I thought we were on the road to recovery. I thought he was doing well. Things seemed better. And then I discovered this. Anne: Yeah, there are some people out there, some professionals that will say women know he’s lying and they’re in denial. I 100% do not agree with that. I think that’s victim blaming. Sometimes we don’t know. Sometimes we might sense something, but we take it to our abuser and he manipulates us. And that’s why I wrote The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. it takes women step-by-step through a process that allows us to see the truth. Because he purposefully hides it from us sometimes. He wants us to separate from our gut feelings. Do you want to expand on that a little bit? Cause I’ve heard so many people say she’s just in denial, or she knew in her gut. Or she wasn’t in touch with herself. And I think women are in touch with themselves. It’s just the manipulation has caused such a fog. Boundaries & Trust Cindy: I could expound on this for days. Because I’ve been in the same boat, and you’re absolutely right. We are put in a position where somebody can criticize it no matter what we do. I wanted my marriage to make it, to give recovery a chance. I don’t have any regrets. Because I know that to have given my marriage a chance, I had to learn the boundaries, recognize the red flag. I had to learn to trust my gut. And know about the causes of addiction. And at the same time, if it’s going to work, there’s going to come a day when I have to make myself vulnerable again. To say, I’m willing to extend my trust again, I’m not stupid, knowing that trust could be betrayed again. But if I’m not willing to take that risk again, I may as well call it quits in the beginning. I remember one professional saying, you knew when you walked down the aisle, and I was like, no, I didn’t know. And he said, no, you knew. And I knew right then, and there I couldn’t get help from him. There’s no way I knew. I don’t know how people working with men with addiction or women for that matter can say that, because they know how successful men are in their deceptiveness. So how can I know what is deliberately and systematically kept from me? Anne: Yeah, that’s exactly why I created the Living Free Workshop because these are the same professionals you’re talking about. They’ll admit he lied. They’ll acknowledge that. But then they believe what he says after. Like, how can we determine what is the truth? It’s so hard. A SEX ADDICTION THERAPIST NEAR ME SHOULD KNOW ABOUT EMOTIONAL Abuse Cindy: Right, and I get in trouble with those same professionals after that person accused me of knowing and marrying anyway. Now I’m being accused of not trusting, not forgiving. Why am I assuming there’s a lie? And I’m left confused and thinking nothing I can do is right. Anne: It’s also just flat out not logical that we are the causes of addiction. Cindy: Right, it’s not. Anne: I’m so sorry that happened to you. I mean, they’re talking out of both sides of their mouth, and it makes no sense. Within the context of BTR, when we say the word recover. We’re talking about recovering from the injuries we’ve received from our husband’s abuse through his sexual coercion, using pornography without our knowledge, deceit, manipulation, gaslighting, emotional and psychological abuse. All the abuse that we talk about here at BTR. Recovery & Healthy Living Anne: So many women who listen to the podcast or come to BTR for our services. They’ve done pornography addiction recovery with their husbands, just like you have. And then 5, 10 or 20 years later, maybe after a therapeutic disclosure or 4 D-Days later, they realized like this is not working. So when you’re talking about your husband being in recovery, the causes of addiction, and an addict’s recovery can you define recovery in that context? Cindy: To me, recovery is the process of becoming healthy. The goal is to lead a life. of integrity, healthy emotional coping skills. I’ve always felt like recovery is nothing more than living a healthy life. Recovery is not just now. To get to point B. Recovery is the rest of your life, because once you’ve got it down, it’s about healthy living. So why would we limit healthy living? We want that for the rest of our lives. In more specific terms, what does that look like? Because anyone can say they’re living a healthy life. I think figuring out what a healthy life looks like. What are healthy coping skills? What does he do? Anne: In pornography addiction recovery, they’ll tell you to observe if he’s going to a 12 step group, or going to therapy. And that’s an indicator that he’s in recovery. Identifying Abusive Behaviors Anne: But they don’t actually talk about abusive behaviors generally. Did anyone ever identify the problem as abuse, in your experience? Cindy: No, when I had my D-Day. I kind of stumbled across the term trauma, and not right away. I never stumbled across the word abuse. To be honest, it wasn’t until BTR that I can look back on my own situation now and definitely see a cycle of abuse. You know, most people think abuse, and they think physical or even verbal. My husband was always calm and quiet, and he made me look abusive compared to an outsider who didn’t know what was going on because I was very expressive of my anger. Never physical, but I verbalized it, whereas he would maintain a kind of silence. But I know the abusive nature of gaslighting and there was a lot of that. In the end, there was no denying that he knew he was robbing me of my reality. At one point, I told him, if you keep secrets from me, knowing how damaging it is to our relationship and to me, this is abusive and cruel. And to continue to make that choice, I think is abusive and cruel. But no, that lingo was not out there. Anne: And I think that’s what’s hurting victims of abuse. We’re trying to get help, but the professionals are digging in the wrong place. When they focus on the causes of addiction. That’s a reference to Raiders of the Lost Ark for you kids of the 80s, like me, who watched it 10 million times. They’re digging in the wrong place! So a lot of women, when their husband seems interested in change, are looking for benchmarks. Causes of addiction: Benchmarks vs. Safety Behaviors Anne: And I recently did a video, it’s floating around on Facebook, if you follow us on Facebook at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, it’s our guide to boundaries. We have graphics on Facebook and Instagram. If you follow us there at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Many of the women we talk to, their guys are going to therapy. They’re going to a recovery group. But because they’re also gaslighting their therapist, many of them are just getting a big ego boost. Or like narcissistic supply from their therapist, and they’re not improving at all. The therapist bases it on perceived causes of addiction. And similarly, with either 12 step group or their accountability group, they go there and they’re like the hero, and they’re not telling them the truth. They’re just getting more narcissistic supply there. We see that all the time. So I want to warn women that what you need to look for, rather than benchmarks, is actual safety behaviors. I teach women how to do that in The Living Free Workshop. And to get more information, click on this link. Cindy: That’s what I meant in the beginning when I mentioned integrity. Because those benchmarks can just be check boxes that get checked off. They don’t add up to anything. There’s no real change in the relationship at home and in the way I’m treated. Anne: I’ve heard women share how, when they weren’t being treated better. Even though he was “in recovery” with a sex addiction therapist near me. That he was like, well, I’m working on it, but what can you expect? I’m an addict, kind of a thing. Which basically amounts to he thought he had an excuse to behave that way. WHEN SEX ADDICTION THERAPIST NEAR ME ENABLES EXCUSES Cindy: It’s really not an either or situation. It implies that either sex addiction is real, or people engage in hurtful behaviors using addiction as an excuse and figuring out the causes of addiction. But in my opinion, both of these can be true. If your husband’s using this as an excuse, it’s not an excuse. It no more justifies the addict’s behavior tha…

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What Is Exploitative? Dr. Gail Dines Exposes the Shocking Truth About THIS Industry Dec 06, 2022

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What is exploitative? A global industry that uses coercion and abuse to make money. Understanding how exploitative media harms women’s rights will help you understand what exploitative really means. Did you know that wives of men who exploit women are likely to be emotionally abused? To discover if you’re experiencing emotional abuse, take this free emotional abuse test. What is Exploitative? Violence Against Women Understanding that exploitative media often depicts graphic violence against women highlights the reality that this is a human rights issue. There is a clear connection between exploitative media and violence toward women. Victims of the exploitative media and trafficking industry are women targeted and oppressed by perpetrators benefiting from systemic privileges. Women everywhere can unite to stand with our sisters who have been harmed by this insidious industry by recognizing exploitative media for what it truly is: a human rights issue. Transcript: What Is Exploitative? Anne: I’m so excited to have one of my absolute heroes on today’s episode. Her name is Dr. Gail Dines. Dr. Dines is a Professor Emerita of Sociology at Wheelock College. She has been researching and writing about this exploitative industry for over 25 years. Dr. Dines is the founding president and CEO of the non-profit Culture ReFramed, dedicated to building resilience and resistance in children and youth to the harms of exploitation. Culture ReFramed develops cutting edge educational programs that promote healthy development, relationships, and intimacy. Dr. Dines has been described as one of the leading anti-exploitation scholars and activists in the world. Anne: Welcome Gail. Dr. Dines: Pleasure to be here. Anne: I’m like starstruck right now. I’m so excited to have you on and grateful for the work you do. So let’s just jump right into this. Gail, why is exploitative media a feminist issue? And why is it a human rights issue? Dr. Dines: It was the feminist movement, especially the radical feminist movement, who first began to understand that we need to see exploitative media as a harms issue. This hurting real women human trafficking survivors. And it had real world consequences on both men and women in the industry and outside the industry. It really grew out of the radical feminist anti-violence movement, where we began to see the relationship between exploitative media and violence against women. The Challenges Of Embracing Feminism Anne: Some women are still uncomfortable with the word feminist. I’m trying to get everyone to be extremely comfortable with it, and to sit in it and realize that it’s a beautiful, wonderful thing. Do you have any advice for women uncomfortable with the notion of a feminist? Dr. Dines: Well, I would say for many women it can actually be scary to call yourself a feminist. Because you open yourself up to all sorts of criticism, ridicule, and caricaturing. In this society, to be a feminist is to fight back against male power. And whenever you resist being oppressed, the oppressor class comes after you. So I understand why some women are nervous and anxious about that. But if you want a full life, if you want to feel like you have power in the world. And sisterhood and the capacity to change the world, then the answer for women is to be a feminist and proud one at that. Hold your head up high. And wear that term with pride. Anne: I agree, I’ve taught my little four year old daughter to say, I’m a feminist, definitely. And also my six year old and my nine year old son. And it kind of makes me a little teary to think about when they say it. It’s so cute and I’m so proud of them. Why do some feminists or some women who call themselves feminists support exploitative media? Dr. Dines: I used to teach a whole 14 week course on this, so let me try and get it into a couple of minutes. The Third Wave of Feminism & Exploitative Media Dr. Dines: So, when you think about this feminism that grew out of the 1960s, 70s, and 80s. It was a given that if you called yourself a feminist, you were anti-exploitative media. There was no question. And then what happened around the 90s is that there was a sort of new movement, which we often sometimes call the third wave. Where what we call feminism lite or faux feminism was the idea that somehow, if you embraced exploitative media. Because the argument was that we’re never going to get rid of it. So let’s embrace it and use it in ways that empower us. I would argue it was really a capitulation to male power and the industry. And what’s happened is over the years, this view that somehow exploitative media can be empowering has taken hold, especially in academic circles. I think I need to say this, that the more privileged a woman is, and the further away she is from ever having to be in exploitative media to put food on the table for her kids. The easier it is to endorse it as empowering. It’s a privileged white position to say it, and I have to add in here, prostitution. Many of the same women who are pro-exploiation argue they’re pro-prostitution. It’s a privileged white position, because most of those women who have that argument are women of color. They are so far away from ever having to be in it or in prostitution. The first rule of feminism is to do no harm to women, and exploitative media is one of the most harmful forms of visual representation that we have. It delivers to men’s brains via the penis, a clear image of misogyny. Anne: Absolutely. It’s A Human Rights Issue: If You Are In It, You Lose Rights Anne: Why do you think they don’t realize they’re hurting other women? Dr. Dines: I think many students would come in with kind of pro-exploitation views. But it didn’t take long to get them to see the violence in it, and the impact on women in it. Women who date men who watch it and got their information about intimacy from it. When you think about it, who wants to be penetrated on camera by many men in violent, brutal, and ways where you lose rights to your image, bodily integrity, and bodily privacy? You know, so I asked my students, think about what it would be like if you had to do this to survive financially. And often I think what happens is we can theorize and theorize, but there’s something to be said for just plain, simple empathy. Put yourself in that position and say, would I want that for me? Would I want it for my friends? Would I want it for my daughter, my sister, my mother? And the answer is no. Anne: Yeah, absolutely. The men who support this stance simply lack empathy. Do you see it’s easier to persuade women to this stance than men? Dr. Dines: Yes, because when women look at exploitative media, they identify with the woman. So yes, in that way, you’re getting a visceral bodily reaction to what’s happening to her. Mainstream Exploitative Media Today Dr. Dines: But I have to say that when I give lectures to high schoolers, middle schoolers and university students. Many of them are young men, all of whom have seen mainstream exploitative media. Which we have to say clearly, mainstream online today is hardcore. That’s the only kind you get when you put it into Google, or through Instagram, Snapchat, or YouTube. This is what it is today. Mainstream is what, pre-internet, was considered hardcore. It was hard to find in shops. You had to know somebody who had that kind. Today, it’s free and accessible. It’s anonymous, and it’s five seconds away. So the shift from 2000 when the internet became domesticated to today is absolutely remarkable. And what happens is interesting. So I’ll go into say a college campus, and when I’m speaking, often there are hundreds of students. This starts with these male students, who you can feel their hostility towards me. It’s actually coming off them in waves. And they’re thinking, what the hell does this woman, this middle aged woman, know about it? I’m standing on a stage, so I’m watching their body language. And as I start to talk, it is amazing to see the changes. Suddenly, they begin to relax. Young Men Are Dragged Into The Mess Dr. Dines: They begin to reach out, and I have to say if they could reach out and touch me, they would. Why? Because I think many of these young men have been dragged into it. It is like a spider’s web to catch young men through algorithms and all sorts of ways of dragging them into it. They see images that they themselves probably would not want. I do not believe that when a 12 year old puts a body part into Google, thinks he’s going to see a world of brutality, violence, and torture. He’s probably thinking he’s going to see maybe breasts, maybe a vagina. He’s not prepared for what he’s going to get catapulted into. And I would argue that the industry is traumatizing a generation of boys. And many of these boys who grow up into young men, who I’m meeting colleges, feel deep shame about what they’re watching. They want to stop watching it. Some of them are habitual or addictive users. And they are so grateful that someone has come in and said, is this who you want to be? A guy who gets aroused to images of violence against women? And for many of them, the answer is no, they don’t want that. They’ve just been pulled into this trap that this predatory industry has laid for them. To suggest boys or men are on the hunt for violent misogyny. As a somehow biological imperative of masculinity, it is to lower the bar about men. And it’s to say boys want violence. Maybe there’s maybe a hiccup in masculinity that they want violence. I would argue that’s anti-male because I truly believe men do not want this, or boys certainly don’t want this. Exploitative Media Harms Women In Every Way Dr. Dines: I believe men and boys are born equal to women, with all the capacity for humanity and empathy. And I believe that as a sociologist, feminist, and most profoundly as the mother of a son. My son was not born violent or with a desire for violence. This culture certainly wanted to turn him into that, but I know he was born with all the capacity for love, empathy, and connection that women are. And if my son was born that way, then your son was born that way. So we need to think as feminists, as men’s best friends, the ones who say to men, we have faith in your humanity. We will fight for that humanity, because the industry is about destroying it. First of all, I think there is a moral issue, and this is not from a religious position. This is more from a feminist position, it is a moral issue, because it harms women physically, emotionally, and in every way. So I don’t think we need to say it’s not moral, but what we also need to add is that it’s a civil rights issue, because it undermines the civil rights of women. You cannot have a society based on equality if you have this exploitative industry. This industry we’ve got today teaches men that women are a subhuman category. That women exist to be used and abused, women are just objects to be discarded when you’re done with them. And the civil rights of women cannot be fully achieved when men are trained to think of women as subhuman. The Civil Rights Impact Of Exploitative Media Anne: And we see that with our community. Our community is all wives of users who have been abused by their husbands. And wonder if their marriage is over. They are being harmed significantly because of their husband’s abusive views. Many don’t understand what marital coercion is. I like to think that these men were born as empathetic, good people, and that they have become unable to empathize through their excessive exploitative media use. And because of that, their behavior becomes abusive and scary. It’s hurting families and women. Dr. Dines: Oh, absolutely. Studies show that women who are partnered with men who are users feel greater betrayal than if their husband had an affair. So the level of pain, humiliation and shame that women feel when they find out their husband is an addict is profound, and nobody’s speaking about it. Anne: Yeah, I guess, except me, right. What we’ve found is the trauma isn’t just from finding out about their husband’s cheating and use. The trauma is from all the abuse, the emotional and psychological abuse they’ve suffered for years. And women are often blamed for the emotional abuse. It’s mind blowing. Dr. Dines: Toxic secrets, what’s interesting is that I meet many, many women wherever I go. I can have my hair blown out, sitting on a train, or interviewed, and many women I speak to tell me about their partners and what it feels like. And that now, once they realize what’s going on, they look back, and we always say, hindsight’s 20 20. They saw cues, but didn’t join the dots. Recognizing The Signs Of Addiction Dr. Dines: And I would say, first of all, there are many cues to look for. The first thing I would argue is that when you’re living with somebody in a relationship. There should be no password protected devices that you don’t have access to. That’s a big clue. If you cannot get on to your partner’s cell phone, computer or laptop, and don’t know the password, that’s a red flag. Also, if suddenly his interest starts to wane or he’s asking you to do stuff he’s never asked you to do before. Many women say I began to see a difference in him. He acted, felt, and spoke differently. So looking back, they realized there were clues, but of course they didn’t pick up on that. It didn’t occur to them. They were unaware of how big a public health crisis this is. Of course, then comes the enormous pain. This man you’ve lived with, loved and probably had children with, has this awful, subtextual life. That you did not know about, but it’s poisoning your own life, relationship, and family. Anne: Yeah, and that’s why we here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery actually see it as a consent issue with wives of users. They are unaware of what is going on, so they can’t give their consent in that situation. Because they’re being lied to in their most intimate relationship. So it is an abuse issue, an emotional abuse issue and a consent issue. We’re trying to help people understand that, so they can view its use with the lens of severity that it deserves. Dr. Dines: Yeah, I don’t think any woman should consent to her husband or partner using it. A Consent Issue In Relationships Dr. Dines: And you know what was interesting is that many women I speak to say, well, you know, we watch it together. We don’t watch the violent stuff. And I say, well, that’s what he watches with you, but he watches completely different stuff when you’re not there. So I would say, first of all, even if you watch it together and think that’s a way to ensure there’s no secrets, there’s a ton of secrets behind that. Because when you leave that house, or when you’re not there, what he’s watching is different to what you’re watching together. And, even if it’s not hardcore, still, the question becomes, why does he need to watch it? Right? Anne: Yeah, absolutely, when I say consent issue, I don’t mean it in that context. The context in which I mean it is that you expect the relationship to be free of it. He’s using it, and he’s not telling you about it. There’s the consent issue. If he said to you, I will use exploitative media, whether you like it or not. Even though you say I don’t want this in my relationship, I’m going to disregard it. I will do it anyway. secretly behind your back. Then she could give her consent to be in the relationship, right? She would say, Hmm, I don’t want to be with a man like you. No, thank you. But when they lie to her face and say, I’m not using it. No, I would never do that, and they are, that’s what I’m talking about. That’s a consent issue. Men don’t realize that when they lie to a woman about it, they are not obtaining her consent. Dr. Dines: They’re betraying everything. Lies & Gaslighting By The Industry Anne: So that’s the context in which I brought that consent issue up. Let’s talk about the lies that the industry tells people to gaslight them. Ca…

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Teen Dating Violence: How To Help Your Daughter Avoid An Abusive Boyfriend Nov 29, 2022

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Are you hoping to help your daughter avoid teen dating violence, even if it’s “just” emotional and psychological abuse? Anne Blythe, M.Ed. interviews Sid, a teenager, who shares her heart wrenching story with empowering tips for mothers of teens. Teen dating violence never happens without emotional abuse. The best way to avoid teen dating violence is to determine if there’s emotional abuse. Take this free emotional abuse quiz to find out. If you have experienced emotional abuse and need live support attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session. Teens Dating Violence Can Start With Lying Sid shares that early on in the relationship, her abusive ex-boyfriend was kind, flattering, and romantic. The first red flag for her was that he told her a lie. Abusive relationships are often detectable by the presence of lying. If your teen’s dating partner is telling lies, it is a strong indicator that your teen may be a target of sexual coercion and abuse. Sexual Phone Calls Are Sometimes The First Signal Of Teen Dating Violence A teen may feel uncomfortable by the way her boyfriend uses sexually explicit language on phone calls, but she may not realize that this is a form of sexual abuse. Parents can open preemptive discussions with children who are not yet dating, or initiate discussions with teens who are dating, regarding the red flags of an abusive teen boyfriend. Teaching teens about sexual coercion is important, so they know what to watch for. Here are some steps you can take to begin empowering your children to engage in healthy relationships: Educate teens about coercion, dating violence, and abuse Set boundaries with your husband so your children can see your example. Meet the people your teens date Transcript: Teen Dating Violence Anne: I have a special guest on the podcast today. It is my friend’s daughter. So my friend Dina runs Educate and Empower Kids. Many of you may be familiar with Educate and Empower Kids. It is a non profit that provides parents with education to teach their kids great online habits and healthy ways of interacting. And Dina called me to tell me about an experience that her daughter had. This is an important conversation to help teens avoid abuse. So I’m actually going to have her share the experience. She is 18 years old. Let’s just start Sid with what happened. Can you please share your story? Sid: Sure, so I began dating a guy we’ll call him David. It was the end of my junior year of high school, and we only dated for about five months. It was a difficult experience for me, because of how he treated me. And the habits I learned from that experience of dating him. And I’ve also just begun noticing some patterns that he has with every girlfriend he’s dated. I know his current girlfriend and I just see a lot of the same things going on with her. I wish she would listen to me. I’ve shared my experiences with her, and it’s just drawn attention to them more to me. First Signs of Trouble Sid: So something I didn’t know before this relationship was that an abusive relationship is not just physical. Someone can hurt me emotionally by manipulating me and lying to me over and over again and that is. And I had never learned that before. I didn’t see it in my relationship until it was over. Other people told me how bad it was. So our relationship seemed perfect for the first month. David would send me poems, and he’d call me each night and tell me how amazing I was. And he dressed nicely and spoke well of others. He was close with his family and a strong member of the church, and he was smooth and ideal. Just the perfect social media looking boyfriend. I thought I found someone I could date for a long time, even forever. Until I found out that he lied to me about some things. The first big lie, he didn’t seem to care, and he kept making excuses until I threatened to break up with him. It wasn’t that I meant it to be a threat. It was just more like I told him that I was uncomfortable with that. And so, he had told me he hadn’t had sex before, but the truth was he had, and I was worried he would lie to me again. And, it wasn’t necessarily that he had done that before, it was just that he told me a completely different story. He fabricated this whole lie around it. Confrontation & Guilt Sid: And he practically begged me to stay with him, and he cried and just kind of made me feel guilty, like I was at fault. And so we stayed together and began to repair the relationship, but it wasn’t really repairing it. Anne: Sid, how did you find out he had lied to you? By the way for teens and adults, lying is emotionally abusive in and of itself. Sid: We had a lot of mutual friends. Actually, I met David through another one of my friends, and she knew a lot about him. She had another friend who had dated him in the past. So I had two different, good friends that knew him well. And they informed me about it when I hung out with them one time. I was talking about him and how good things were and stuff, and how he related to me a lot. And how we had handled relationships in the past. Because we talked about that, and they told me that what I knew about him was actually not true, so they told me the real story. So I confronted him about it, just you know, to double check if they were lying. And at first he said they were lying. Then I went into more detail of what they had told me. He admitted to it, and told me it was true and he lied to me. Anne: What do you think would have happened if he had said, these two girls are liars, they’re not telling the truth? Knowing what you know about him now, obviously you wouldn’t believe him, but back at that point, do you think you would have believed him over your friends? Dating violence: Questioning David’s Character Sid: I think it would have made me question him and his character more, just because I trusted my friends more. They had told me they would have his old girlfriend, that he had had intercourse with, talk to me about it. Because they were both really close with her. I didn’t know her at all. But I know that I would have been able to find out the truth from those girls, and I would have trusted them more. Because they really didn’t have any benefit in me and David breaking up. They didn’t have a reason to lie to me about it. Whereas David had a big reason to lie to me about that, because he knew my standards and that they didn’t align with the things he had done in the past. After he like admitted to it and apologized, we had this big conversation about him not lying to me. He acted like it humbled him. And he wanted us to work on things and make it right. So we kind of went through that honeymoon phase, as people will call it, where everything was perfect again. He was very sweet and respectful to me, and there were always these little blips where he would be overly explicit with me, and I was uncomfortable with that. I didn’t want to do those kinds of things with him. And so, those were the only things going wrong. But I always overlooked them because of all the other flowery behavior he had. He would buy me things, and he would compliment me all the time. He acted like he cared. So, it didn’t feel like he objectified me as much, even though he really was. David’s Continued Lies Sid: After a month of that kind of behavior, I found out that he had lied again, and this time it was much more minor. Both lies were about things that had to do with other girls in the past. So this one was about one of those friends who had originally told me about what he had done with his other old girlfriend. And this girl had also previously dated him. So I had another friend from church, we’ll call her Mary. Mary is not part of the situation, but she knew David. She saw him flirt with another girl, and that other girl had dated him before. I was kind of friends with her, but not very close. This girl, Mary, told me that it made a lot of other people in the class uncomfortable. Because they all knew he was still dating me, but was acting as if he wasn’t with this other girl. So I asked David if he felt like he had been doing that. He, of course, said no, like, it’s friendly, it’s nothing like that. Mary sent me a picture of him with his arm around her, and this video clip of him massaging her neck. It wasn’t a huge deal, it was more like he kept being dishonest about it. Then further than that, he tried to make me feel guilty about accusing him of things. He was like, Oh, you’re accusing me of cheating on you. And you’re acting like I’m untrustworthy, even though I’ve tried to earn that back this whole month. So I just felt bad. Realizing the Truth Sid: And then he was like, Oh, you’re so judgmental. You’re always making me feel bad about stuff that I do, which at first I believed him. But I’ve talked to so many people and told them about it. And I was really unsure, because in the past, no one had ever said that about me. And so, I started to realize that that wasn’t true, but at the time, I felt like he was telling me the truth. He would say he didn’t lie at all sometimes, and then sometimes he would be super careful with his words. So that he could be vague and make it seem like I was the one who was wrong. And it’s confusing to explain, but instead of answering a question like, Have you had it before? With a response like, No, I am still a virgin. He would say, I don’t consider myself having had it with her. Or, I didn’t go all the way with her. And various other responses. So he made me feel guilty for his own mistakes by blaming them on me being judgmental. He made me dig into it and ask specific questions over and over, just to get a simple truth from him. Anne: Objectification can be the first step to committing teen dating violence. And maybe even then you didn’t get the truth, right? Even when you thought, okay, finally, I’ve hit the bottom of this. It still may not have been. That is emotionally abusive and teen dating violence. Sid: Yeah, exactly. I could only get the information that other people could prove to me. And to this day, I don’t really know all the things that he could have lied to me about. Teen Dating Violence: He Lies About Pornography Use Sid: Maybe it was really just those things that I had found out about just because he’s very good at hiding all the things that he’s done. Anne: Do you know about his pornography use? And how use can be associated with teen dating violence? Sid: I had never asked him before until he had told me he had sex before finally, and he admitted to that. He said something to me like, oh well that’s just who I am, like I can’t help that. I’m very driven or something like that and I was like, oh when did that start? I just made the assumption that he had watched it before because I feel like in other relationships I’ve had, there were circumstances like that. When they would act really explicit towards me, they would admit that, Oh, I’ve watched a lot of pornography, and it’s kind of affected how I see people. Whereas David would tell me, Oh, I’ve seen it before once or twice, just because I know everyone watches it. And I wanted to see what it was about, but I don’t watch it anymore. I’m not interested in that kind of thing. So, I am really unsure if he has watched a lot, but I would definitely assume just by the things he would say to me. He would use this dirty language with me, and I would ask him to stop. And he would tell me how it’s so common. And I felt like, those things are only learned from explicit material. Anne: You’re 18, so part of this podcast, I’ll teach you a little bit, but I’m sure your mom has talked about this. That, “I used to watch it, but I don’t anymore,” is extremely common for a current user. Acting as an obedient church goer Anne: That’s a common lie they say, which you probably look back now are like, yeah, he had to have kept using it if he was acting like that, right? And especially as an “obedient” church goer. I would say that’s a pretty clear sign that he was currently using. Sid: Yeah, when we were dating, he went to church a lot. And I’ve heard from other people now that we’ve broken up that he does not go to church anymore. He would kind of go on and off before we had dated. So I think a lot of the things he told me when we dated were to make me feel like he was a good church member. When in reality I don’t think he has a super strong testimony of it. It was just kind of all that show and that way of manipulating me into thinking that he was someone he’s not. Anne: Manipulation and control are tactics abusers and perpetrators of teen violence use. So tell me what happens next. Sid: As we were dating, I made it clear that my standards were that I didn’t want to have it before marriage or worry about knowing when a marriage is over. I didn’t even want to do anything that would resemble any sort of sexual act. That would include any touching under clothing, rubbing up on each other. I was only fine with kissing or snuggling. Beginning of pushing boundaries Sid: On the phone is how it began. He would mention to me, like, oh, I want to do this to you, and he would insert some sort of sexual act. And I would tell him, okay, like, you can make jokes about that, I guess, on the phone. Since it seems like you’re already doing that. I would appreciate if you make it clear to me that you don’t really want to do that. I don’t want to do that. And he would say something like, oh, well, you’ll come along, or like, oh, you’ll want to later on. So it kind of put this idea in my head, oh, well, maybe I’m supposed to do those things. And I knew it was wrong from a church standpoint and from my standards. But it was hard, because he would talk to me like that so much. And I would definitely feel like I had to or like he didn’t feel like I loved him enough if I didn’t do that. There were a few times in my car before I dropped him off at home, we would be kissing. And then he would try to move his hand somewhere, and I would move it away at first. But he would try again, so it seemed like he kept trying every time he had a moment that he could. So eventually I would just slowly let it happen. Just these little things would slip. And I think the worst time it happened when there was real coercion would be a few months in. Dating Violence: He scared me Sid: We were kissing, and then I remember telling him no. He had started to take off some of my clothing, and then he started to put his hands in places where I didn’t want. I told him no out loud, and he pretended like he didn’t hear me. And so I said it again, and I pushed him off of me. I started to cry because it had scared me. He stopped and said he was sorry and didn’t hear me. But there was just this feeling in my gut that I knew he had heard me. I knew I had said it loud enough and that he was close enough that he had to have heard me. It was quiet. It was only us. I think that was my first sign that he didn’t care about me. After that day, when things went far a lot further than I had ever expected. We didn’t have it, but there were definitely things going on that day. I felt a lot of guilt, so I told David that I didn’t want to do anything like that ever again. And that I would prefer if we only had short kissing in a public place as I said goodbye to him, and that I didn’t feel comfortable. This was a phone call, and he kept saying, Oh, you know, that’s okay. I completely accept that. But from that moment on, he started to distance himself. And I noticed every day that he would just text me less. He distanced himself Sid: I didn’t see him super often, because he went to a different school than I did. Much of our relationship during the school year was texting and phone calls, besides seeing each other on the weekends for dates. And so, immediately that week, I noticed he texted me a lot less. I would know that he had a lot of free time and would deliberately not text me or call me at night. He would say oh, I can’t do that. I have…

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