No woman wants to face the horror of her husband’s betrayal. Or have to recover from the emotional, physical & financial trauma and never-ending consequences. But these courageous women DID. And we’ll walk with you, so YOU can too. If you’re experiencing pain, chaos, and isolation due to your husband’s lying, anger, gaslighting, manipulation, infidelity, and/or emotional abuse… If he’s undermined you and condemned you as an angry, codependent, controlling gold-digger… If you think your husband might be an addict or narcissist. Or even if he’s “just” a jerk… If your husband (or ex) is miserable to be around, this podcast is for YOU.
What Does The Bible REALLY Say About Divorce?
Sep 13, 2022
Show notes
Women who discover their husband’s infidelity might wonder, what does the Bible say about divorce? If you’re experiencing this type of emotionally and psychologically abusive behavior from your husband, here are some scriptures from the Bible about divorce you need to know. If you’re considering divorce, it’s important to determine if you’re experiencing emotional abuse. Take our free emotional abuse quiz. Transcript: What Does The Bible Say About Divorce? Anne: It’s just me today. Many women want to know. What does the Bible say about divorce? Regarding divorce, the Bible can be interpreted in different ways, but I wonder if we take a step back. And look at all the other issues related to what our husband is doing. Is misogyny a part? And then maybe that is what the Bible says about divorce. For example, I did an episode called What Does the Bible Say About Boundaries in Marriage? Divorce is a boundary. And in that episode, I talked a lot about how God commands women to separate themselves from evil, so it may not necessarily say the word divorce. But he is commanding us to separate ourselves from people who would harm us. Betrayal Trauma Recovery is interfaith and inter paradigm. So, if you don’t want to hear Christian scriptures, skip this episode. I happen to be Christian. And so reading scriptures helps me process things. But if you’re not, and want to skip this episode, go ahead and do that. A lot of times I speak from a secular place, so everybody feels welcome here. And I welcome everyone’s experience. The rest of this episode is from a recording I did years ago when I was still processing what was happening to me. I was reading the scriptures a lot to try to find peace and hope. And through doing that, I discovered the strategies I now teach in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. And through those strategies, I believe God completely delivered my children and me, from my ex’s abuse. That we were still experiencing eight years post divorce. Personal Journey & Strategies Anne: These strategies work, whether you’re married or divorced. And they work whether you’re Christian or not. When I taught the strategies in the Living Free Workshop, I did not teach them in a religious context. I just taught them. This is the strategy, and this is how you implement it. The intent is to help you determine your husband’s true character, to see it. And many of the scriptures I studied years ago that you’ll hear in this recording today. Things about what the Bible says about divorce, and to perceive things accurately. And that is my goal for all women, regardless of their faith or paradigm. How can we accurately perceive our husband’s character? And then what strategies do we need to use to protect ourselves? And if you’re interested in listening to what I sounded like years ago and how I was processing these things, then join me in learning what the Bible say about divorce. Here’s that recording: I was studying the New Testament from the Bible, and those who are not Christian, hopefully you can still glean some wisdom and insight from my studies. I want to dedicate this episode to some of the verses that I read. They are applicable to our situation. Similarly, there are some very misogynistic verses in the Bible, particularly by Paul. I will not focus on those today. If you’re wondering about these scriptures that say women should be silent, they shouldn’t speak in church, or they should obey their husbands, read the book, Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessie. That is on our website, btr.org/ books. You want to be sure you are reading the right kind of Marriage Bible Reference. She really puts all those types of scriptures in context, and I don’t want to focus on those today. God’s Boundaries for Safety Anne: If you’ve read those scriptures and thought, what is going on with these verses? What is the Bible really saying about divorce? I highly recommend that book. What I wanted to talk about was scriptures that can bring us comfort. And also help us know what the bible says about boundaries in marriage. that setting boundaries is God’s way of helping us stay safe. I believe God is a God of boundaries, and the commandments are to protect ourselves. And they’re also to protect other people. So for example, if we do not lie, we are protecting other people, and it is a way to show love for ourselves and our fellow men. So as I go through some of these scriptures, you’ll see some patterns emerge. I read from the King James Version, so if you use a different translation or version, I’ll just say the scriptures and the verses. So I’m going to start in Matthew 5. This one struck me. This is the Sermon on the Mount, and 10 and 11 apply to us. It says, “Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” “Blessed are ye. When men shall revile you and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely for my sake.” Now, when it says for my sake, I believe that is the sake of truth. I also believe in an afterlife, and I believe this life that we have now is hell. Like, it’s the worst it’s ever going to get right now. And that helps bring me peace. Some people might call it the spirit, some women who are not religious might just call it their gut or their intuition. What the bible says about divorce: Trusting our intuition Anne: If we can learn to trust our intuition or the spirit, it will be the most accurate way to discern truth. I know of a woman who had no proof affairs. He was a high-up member in her church and community, and also a seminary teacher. He had a ministry. She decided to file for divorce just on her gut alone, having absolutely no proof. And people called her crazy, her kids called her crazy, her church leaders called her crazy. She is one of the bravest women I know. Her courage is inspiring to me. She has been reviled, she’s been persecuted. All manner of evil has been said against her, falsely. For Christ’s sake, or for the truth’s sake. We have obviously talked about Matthew 5:28 on the podcast, saying that watching anything to get turned on is adultery. This is what the bible says about cheating husbands. Christ says himself in that verse, “Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” This is what the bible says about infidelity and divorce. We know exploitative materials use or lusting is not something to be taken lightly. It is an abuse of trust. In Matthew 6:22, it says, “The light of the body is the eye. If therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.” Then verse 23, “But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness.” You can see infographics that explain many of the other concepts I teach on the podcast on our social media channels. You can find us on Instagram @btr.org_ or on YouTube just search btr.org just click the link and you’ll find our channel. Four Pillars of Abuse Anne: I’ll explain the four pillars of abuse. There’s a good infographic on social media. The infographics are on this podcast episode. The four pillars of abuse are number one, entitlement and objectification. I’m entitled to it. This is an object. I’m entitled to a woman cleaning the bathrooms, to her cooking. I’m entitled to view her as an object. I deserve it. That type of mindset. The second pillar is control, manipulation, lies, and secrecy. Calculated behaviors to try to control an outcome. It’s goal oriented good guy facade. I’m going to manipulate other people’s perception of me by showing up at church, by doing service. It’s calculated because it includes lies and secrecy. The third pillar of abuse is lack of integrity, both relational and personal. If they say they are true to their wife, but they’re visiting prostitutes or masturbating. Then that is another way they abuse that relationship or trust. The fourth pillar of abuse is lack of accountability. They have no empathy, no remorse, and they do not make restitution when they hurt somebody. So when we talk about those four pillars of abuse, you can see that eye is not single and full of light. Those four pillars of abuse make it so he’s not able to perceive things accurately. The way they perceive the world makes it so their whole body is full of darkness. I would say my ex is like completely and totally delusional. He cannot view the world from a perspective of truth or accuracy. The way he interprets the world isn’t accurate. This is a way of looking at the world, and it’s systemic, and it’s societal. The Bible says to divorce yourself from wickedness. Financial & Personal Struggles Anne: So, “trying to help” a man stop viewing the world this way is impossible. They have to do it themselves. The man has to admit that the way he views the world is skewed. In that same chapter, Matthew chapter 6:31 through 34, I love this. It helps me when I get stressed about finances, which I don’t have at all. And my house is disgusting. The structure is my dream house, but the actual inside is old and gross. Like I have carpet under my dining room table, and it bothers me. And I dream day in and day out of replacing that with luxury vinyl planks. That’s what I’m looking forward to. It really stresses me out, but right now I can’t do anything about it. And I can’t do anything about my long-term financial future right now. All I can do is take a step at a time. I was at the point four years ago where I didn’t know how to pay for groceries. I didn’t know how I would pay for my house payment. So I’ve been there. Now I can pay for groceries, which is great. I can pay my house payment, but there are other things that I’m stressed about. So no matter what stage you are at, this scripture may or may not help. In the Bible, it says about divorce: Verse 31. “Therefore, take no thought saying what shall we eat or what shall we drink or wherewithal shall we be clothed? For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things, but seek ye first the kingdom of God.” And I’ll say there, seek ye first the truth. It says, “but seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness.” What does the bible say about divorce? Living in the Now Anne: For those who are atheists or not religious, perhaps the way to say this would be, but seek ye first truth. “And all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.” One way to put this is we’re in this eternal moment of now. It’s always now. It’s never going to be tomorrow. When I was so traumatized and having a difficult time just functioning, I had a friend who would say, “Let’s look at right now. Do you have a roof over your head right now?” And I would say yes, and she’d say, “Do you have food right now? Are you hungry?” And I’d be like, no, I ate. “Do you have water right now?” And I’d be like, yes, I have water right now. Taking one moment at a time when the trauma is extreme really helped me. And studying the scriptures. https://youtube.com/shorts/GcKBBYifx2I Because there’s no other way to do it. There’s no other way but through. And I love this, because if we focus on now, especially when the trauma is intense, we will eventually come out of the fog. And all we have to worry about is right now. So, this always now idea, I think, is what this scripture is talking about. And it can help us get through the trauma. The now principle still applies to me. I’m concerned about my disgusting carpet, but I can say, right now I can go for a walk. Right now I can take care of myself, all right. Frustrations with Prayer Anne: Matthew 7 is rough. I’m going to preface this part with, I hate scriptures like this, because I believe them. And then I do what it says, and I don’t get what I want. And it irks me, and it frustrates me, and it makes me very mad. So in Matthew 7, verses 7 through 10, in the Bible, it says this that can be applied to divorce, and probably all of you have done this, and probably most of you feel the same way about it, but seven says, “Ask and it shall be given unto you. Seek and you shall find. Knock and it shall be opened unto you for everyone that asketh receiveth and he, that seeketh Findeth, and to him, that knocketh if shall it be opened.” So I’m sure many of you have gone to church, or someone, a friend has said, have you prayed about it? And you look at them and roll your eyes, and you’re like, oh, good idea. I never thought about that. Of course, you’ve prayed about it. If you believe in God, you have knelt down, you have bawled your eyes out, you have screamed and yelled to God. Of course, you have prayed about it, have asked. Of course you have begged God for help. You’ve begged him for miracles. And this scripture says, “Ask and it shall be given unto you.” Now, if you’re like me and you’re like, this is a bunch of bullcrap, like I pray and pray and pray, and it doesn’t happen. I really don’t know what to say, actually, except for that in spite of how frustrated I get, in spite of how it seems like some people pray and they have answers. Gratitude For What i Went Through Anne: Some people pray and their husband’s like, oh, I’ve been terrible you must think I hate you. And they start taking accountability and being honest. I thought that happened to me. For those who know my whole story, there was a stint of five years where I thought that was happening. Like, he seemed humble. He seemed honest. But he wasn’t. He was grooming me that whole time, but he seemed like it. So there are a few big giant prayers that I have prayed. I’ve searched and prayed. One is for a righteous, noble, non-abusive man to come into my life. To have a beautiful friendship and relationship that is kind, loving, and amazing. I’ve prayed that prayer so many times, and it has not been given to me. So do I just take this scripture and throw it out the window and say, okay, I’m going to stop praying? Or do I say maybe I’m not ready, or maybe God is preparing this for me. Or maybe it won’t be in this life? But I will say this morning I felt the most, like, amazing sense of gratitude for what I had been through. And an amazing sense of gratitude for my ex-husband, because I feel like where I am now, I am so much healthier. I’m so much happier. I have so much more knowledge and wisdom. This is what I have gained from studying the Bible about divorce. Now, I’m not the wisest or most knowing. I have a long way to go. But I’m so much better prepared now. And I don’t know if I could have had that deep and abiding, kind, loving relationship before. And maybe I could have it now. I don’t know. I don’t know. Maybe he’s preparing me for it. Maybe he’s not. I don’t know. What does the bible say aout divorce: Choosing to Believe Anne: When it comes to these types of scriptures, I have to make a choice. Do I believe in God and do I believe this scripture? I can choose yes or no. The choice I make is yes. I choose to believe, to trust that the prayers I am saying. Even though it doesn’t feel like it, I’m mad, and I’m frustrated. That really when it comes down to it, God listens to my prayers and has my best interest at heart. And the things happening in my life are happening for my good. Now that sounds like trying to placate a victim to get her to shut up. But it also might be a loving God who is leading me, guiding me, with the Bible and his words on divorce. And taking me to a better place. I’m going to choose to believe that. And the reason I’m going to believe that is because I think it’s true. Also, the alternative is so dark, depressing, and sad, and it makes me sad. And where is that going to get me? I don’t want to go that route. At least for me, I just make a choice. And that choice, I believe, leads me in a better direction. So 9 and 10 say, “Or what man is there of you whom if his son…
Signs Of An Abusive Therapist – Dee’s Story
Sep 06, 2022
Show notes
Therapy not working like you hoped? Most people don’t know the signs of an abusive therapist. When Dee went to her therapist for anxiety, she expected to feel better. Instead, she was gaslit, groomed, devalued, and discarded. Do you need support? Learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Support Sessions. They are multiple times a day for women only, so you will feel safe. Transcript: Signs Of An Abusive Therapist Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’re going to call her Dee. She has two children. She’s a mostly stay at home mom, but sometimes she works as an art teacher to kids at her church. She’s taken up cycling as a form of exercise, and it’s been helpful for her to be outdoors. During this journey of healing, she also enjoys yoga and reading. She has struggled with anxiety and depression since a young age. So she started therapy in 2018. And initially, she went to a mental health hospital for intensive outpatient therapy, because her anxiety had become so debilitating. And there she met an abusive therapist and was his client for 10 months. She’s going to talk about her experience with this therapist a bit today. So many women who follow Betrayal Trauma Recovery or listen to the podcast have gone to therapy for help. But when they went to therapy, it worsened, and sometimes they didn’t recognize it for a long time. In Dee’s case, it was 10 months. An Abusive Therapist May Seem Like A “Perfect Fit” Anne: So let’s talk about your story. You go to this abusive therapist. Did you know that you were his first client in his private practice? Dee: Yes, I did. Anne: And what makes you think this is a good therapist for me? Dee: When I was at the mental health hospital, we had a substitute therapist come in one day. It was a group therapy dynamic. And our regular therapist was out that day, and he came in as a substitute, and I had a side conversation with him during a break. I appreciated his response and felt like he knew where I was coming from. And so whenever we left that program, they want you to be set up with a therapist outside of there, so that you could continue your care. He had mentioned to me that he was starting his own practice. And when our regular therapist came back, the next day I was talking to her about trying to find someone. And I consider going to a Christian counselor. Because I felt like that might be the right fit for me. She discouraged me from going that route. She wasn’t sure if that would be the most helpful type of therapy for me. And I don’t remember her reasoning now, but I do remember saying to her, well, this other person that came in said he’s starting his own practice, and she said, yeah, I think he would be a good fit for you. The Vulnerability Of Intensive Therapy Dee: In that moment, I was still struggling in where I was, and it was hard to pick a person off a list I’d never seen, never talked to. And I trusted her opinion. I know that she was coming from a good place. And I don’t think she had any idea what I was stepping into. I just didn’t even feel equipped to make certain decisions at that point. And I trusted her opinion on that matter. Anne: Well, especially, you’ve been in intensive outpatient therapy. So, you’re in a very vulnerable place at this time. Dee: Yes, absolutely. I’ve dealt with anxiety, but it became, when I say debilitating, I mean, I was barely sleeping. I had stopped eating even the last few days before I finally got into their care. It was just to a breaking point, and I knew that and I needed help. I don’t know where to go for help, and I hear of this place that is pretty close to me. I decided to do something, and that seemed like the most reasonable next step. And I trust that anybody at their facility was somebody I could rely on to be a safe place. Anne: Yeah, because why would you think any differently? That makes sense. It’s Not Your Fault If Your Therapist Has Abused You Anne: In that first meeting, because your decision was basically based on that first meeting with him on the side conversation, and then also her recommendation, would you characterize that now looking back as grooming? When I say grooming, I wonder if the things he says to you are like narcissists, and covert narcissistic traits. I can’t diagnose him, because I’ve never met him. I’m just talking from your perspective, but they’re good at reflecting back what people are saying. So many women who are dating narcissists or meet them feel like, Oh, this is my soulmate, right? They understand me. So when I say grooming, I’m also asking about that side conversation where you feel, wow, he understands what I’m saying. Do you see that part as grooming? Dee: Maybe not so much as grooming. I later question if I’m targeted for some reason. This is a difficult question to ask yourself, because then you ask yourself, what would make me an ideal target for someone? Did this therapist see something in me that he thought he wanted to exploit? And I don’t know the answer, but that’s something I definitely have asked myself. Anne: Yeah, and that’s also a victim blaming type question, right? Because then you’re like, what was it about me that made an abusive therapist target me? And, and I don’t think that’s ever the case. I mean, just because you were in an outpatient clinic and just because you were vulnerable at the time doesn’t mean someone has the right to target you. It’s still not your fault. A normal person wouldn’t exploit that. They would have empathy, right, and want to be helping you rather than Dee: Exploiting you, right. Have Self-Compassion If You Are A Victim Of An Abusive Therapist Dee: I wanted to feel validated, because I know that many people you talk to are coming out of a marriage or maybe still in a marriage or relationship that’s abusive. But I didn’t have to keep going back. I wasn’t forced to have him as my therapist, and it’s not to take away from anybody else’s situation, because I understand that many people feel guilt and shame. But for me, that’s such a big part of what I’ve struggled with. It seems like it would have been easy to leave if something didn’t feel right at one point, and instead of leaving at that first sign, I kept going. And it’s hard not to feel like I played a part in it. For many reasons, but that being one of them, I wasn’t living with this person. I’m not married to this person, and I don’t have children with this person. I’m choosing to have them as my therapist, and go back week after week and pay them. Anne: Listening to the stories on the podcast of other women who have had really difficult and traumatic experiences with an abusive therapist, has that been validating for you? Dee: I think it’s hard when it isn’t a carbon copy of what I experienced. Because I tend to feel my situation is different. And that their situation is valid for its own reasons. Maybe mine isn’t, because I feel a lot of responsibility in what happened. So I tend to feel like other people are more valid in feeling traumatized in therapy. I Didn’t Know What Gaslighting Was Anne: Well, hopefully by the end of this podcast and by the end of this episode, you can feel the love of all the listeners. Letting you know that your trauma with this therapist who is abusive is just as valid, and that it is crazy traumatic to trust someone to help you, and have that turn into destruction, chaos, and pain. So let’s actually talk about what happened. Maybe you want to define that first moment when you were like, something’s not right. Even if you weren’t able to verbalize it, or you weren’t able to like process what it was. When was the first time you recognize something is not right here? Dee: So, this is one reason why it’s hard to recount what happens, because I feel like there were different aspects. Some of it was physical, or maybe my husband was gaslighting. And so these things overlap. And it’s hard to give you a concrete timeline of when each thing happened. But they happened interchangeably, so it all leaves you feeling so distorted. https://youtube.com/shorts/pjEKsR_cvy8 When I left, I said, it seemed like I was in a tornado. And things swirled around me, and it felt like pure chaos. And I didn’t understand what was happening. All I knew is that I was in a lot of pain. I think the first time I can see it as part of a larger picture was at the end of a session. He, this abusive therapist, put his hand up and had me put my hand up to his. And he kind of wrapped his thumb around my hand and said something cheesy, like, oh, it’s a hand hug. An Therapist Who is aBusive May Gaslight You: Pay Attention To Your Gut Feelings Dee: I remember in my next session saying to him, I was surprised he made any kind of physical contact. And I don’t remember what his specific response was, but it was just sort of, oh no, it’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with that. And I thought, Oh, okay, I guess. My idea of what therapy is is very rigid, and I’ve never been to therapy before. So, the only therapy experience was at the mental health facility, and I have never been to therapy otherwise. So I didn’t know what was okay and not okay, and what therapy looks like. I mean, there are many terms that I’ve learned since then. And if I had known them, maybe I would have left sooner, because I would have more of a definition for what was happening. But I didn’t even have those terms yet. Anne: It’s not only that you don’t have the terms, I mean, all abuse victims, you don’t even have the context for it. Dee: Yes. Anne: You have this sense that something’s not right. But then when you tell the abuser, Hey, this feels weird to me. And you get gaslit and the abusive therapist says, Oh, no, this is fine. This is what happens, this is normal. This is what happens in marriage and therapy. Then you think well, okay, maybe it’s me. Shame, Secrecy & Isolation Anne: So you weren’t telling anyone else what was happening during these sessions? Dee: No. There was a lot of shame that I felt, and I just think that compounds the secrecy of it all. You know, it makes you feel like you can’t talk about it because you’re ashamed of what happens. And that’s very isolating in feeling that, you can’t share with others what’s going on. That you’re confused about something. And in some ways, I feel like that’s part of why it continues, because I wasn’t talking to other people about it. Not until right before I left the his “care.” Anne: So we’ve got physical crossing of boundaries. It sounds like during that session you were gaslit Were there more types of physical crossing of boundaries? Dee: Pretty soon after the session, where the abusive therapist had touched my hand. I was emotional a lot in therapy. I think I cried just about every session. And I am upset and emotional about something we talk about. He got off his chair and came and sat next to me, and he put his hand on the back of my head as he talked to me. And I remember him stopping what he said and making a comment that my hair was soft. I remember feeling really nervous about that. And I started babbling about something about my conditioner or something. It was just this awkward response, but it was just so out of the blue. And I remember he just kind of stopped me, and I thought, Oh, okay, just take a deep breath. An Abusive Therapist May Attempt To Alter Your Perception Of Reality Dee: So, you know, in a following session, when I brought up that that had happened, he said, I didn’t touch your hair. I said, it looked soft. And I said, no. You touched my hair, and you said it felt soft. No, I didn’t touch your hair. I just said it looked soft. And I had no question in my mind of what had happened. I knew what had happened. I am confused why he would try to tell me it didn’t happen. And again, at the time, I didn’t know what gaslighting was. I just thought it was something bizarre that the therapist was doing. In the larger scope, now it makes more sense. But at the time, it was just weird. Anne: Did you ever think because he was your therapist, maybe he had a reason? Dee: I put a lot of trust into his discretion of what was okay and what wasn’t okay. I think in that situation, instead of drawing a boundary like I normally would have. I don’t sit alone with men. Having conversations about personal things, you know. I’ve been married now for 18 years, and I never felt like I would potentially violate some part of the sanctity of my marriage. And so I think being in therapy and sitting in that sort of bubble, it just felt disconnected from my actual life. Can You Relate To Therapy Abuse? Dee: It didn’t feel like here’s an abusive therapist crossing a boundary, and me being a married woman. And me needing to say, no, this isn’t okay. If that had happened outside of that room, I would have recognized that. And again, I wouldn’t have been in that situation. I wouldn’t feel it was appropriate to have these intimate conversations. But I mean, that is the dynamic of therapy, is to sit and talk about what, what you’re struggling with. And having these really personal conversations. So I think it just kind of happened without it. It’s really striking me as something that shouldn’t be happening. Anne: Well, I think our listeners can relate, like when the therapist doesn’t understand or they don’t validate you. It’s a therapist’s horror story and also clergy horror story on this podcast. In this context, all of our listeners can relate. Because that’s how they felt in their marriage. When they’re thinking, well this is my husband, this is why abuse, and especially emotional abuse is so hard to see. So with another man I met on the street, if he screamed and yelled in my face. Or if he lies to me about something I knew was wrong. Then I’d be like that guy’s crazy or whatever. But when it’s your husband, or when it’s someone you trust. Or when it’s someone you’re supposed to have this safe, trusting relationship with. It’s confusing. You can’t wrap your head around what is actually happening in the moment now that you’re looking back. What should therapy look like? Vulnerability When You Have An Abusive Therapist Dee: I’ve been to therapists since then, and things that I don’t feel are confused. A therapist doesn’t hurt me. And I don’t feel like they’re ever lying to me or trying to make me feel bad. I feel supported. I don’t ever feel like they’re trying to cross any boundaries with me. And I always feel like there’s this extra sense of your safety. And there was also this weird sort of issue for me with therapy. When I saw him, where I would feel really, really good in the mornings that I would go. Almost like I was on a high. It was just the sort of anticipation of going and being in this place and feeling good. And then when I would leave, I would feel really, really down and almost unable to wait that week until I could go back. And I had no idea the chemicals in my brain were such a big factor. Because there’s this sort of intermittent reinforcement going on, which did happen. You know, you would get this surge of adrenaline and all these hormones that make you feel good in that situation. An Abusive Therapist May Be Unpredictable Dee: And then they’re taken away, you feel really, really low, and you want to get that back. And I didn’t realize I was going through that storm. I just knew that I wanted to be there because I wanted to feel good. And sometimes it did feel good. And sometimes it felt bad, and it shouldn’t be this back and forth of good and bad. What am I going to get today? Am I going to get the nice therapist who’s validating and makes me feel good? Or am I going to get the one that makes me feel guilty? Like I’m a bad person. I was talking one day, and he came, and he sat next to me close enough that our arms were touching. But that was it, just sitting next to me. And then, you know, a couple sessions might go by where there wasn’t any crossing of the physical boundary. And then. I remember he came over an…
Am I Over My Ex? The Best Way To Know
Aug 30, 2022
Show notes
If you’re wondering, “Am I over my ex?” The question itself may tell you all you need to know.
1. Why Are you Asking, Am I Over My Ex?
Ask yourself why you’re asking this question. The fact that you’re asking probably means you’re still struggling with some aspect of the relationship. And it might not even be him, it might actually be the emotional abuse you endured.
To find out if you experienced any of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse test.
2. If You Were Manipulated, You’ll Heal When You Know The Truth
Consider that you’re not working toward getting over your ex, you’re actually healing from all the lies he told you to deliberately mess with your mind. You might not need to know the details, but knowing that he’s a liar can be enough to help you get over him.
3. You’ll Know You’re Over Your Ex If Your Stomach Churns
If your stomach churns when you see a text from him. Or you want to crawl under a rock if you see him out and about, it’s likely that you’re totally over him. Even if you’re over your ex, you’ll likely still need to heal from the emotional damage he caused.
Anne: Since I’ve been podcasting for a long time and talked with women all over the world. One of the questions women sometimes ask is, am I over my ex? This next part of this episode is actually from one of the first episodes I ever recorded. I tell a story of how I knew I was feeling better. Since this time, I have used the strategies I developed in the Living Free Workshop to heal from all this emotional and psychological abuse and protect myself. To learn more about the Living Free Workshop strategies, click this link.
The rest of this episode will be that recording. From one of my first podcast episodes. I hope you enjoy it.
I wanted to do an update my own personal recovery. Because I was not angry for a long time. I was just super sad, and now I’m very angry. So my children are immature. Because they’re 8, 5 and 3 year old children. For example, I’ll say to my son, You need to do this. And he’ll kind of ignore me and walk around and not do it. I’ll say, you need to do this. And he ignores me. Then I’ll say, you really need to do this.
And he’ll say, What? You didn’t tell me this before. I know he heard me. And that triggers the same types of things that happen with my ex. This feeling of I’m saying something, but he’s not taking me seriously. So last night, I talked to a friend, and she said, that’s common with all children.
Comparing Addict Behavior
Anne: He’s not acting like an addict. And I said, actually, that’s not true, because addicts act like eight year olds. They’re immature, so they act like a five year old. So basically, I am face to face with the same types of behaviors in my addict spouse. Except for in three, five, and eight year olds. That’s appropriate behavior for their age.
It’s age appropriate. They’re learning how to tell the truth, how to listen, and how to interact with people. It’s appropriate for a five year old. Not appropriate for a 50 year old man, not at all. So I’m seeing these immature, age appropriate behaviors from my very young children. Trigger the trauma of the exact same behaviors from my immature, addict, lying ex-husband who is almost 40 years old. .
So immediately after my husband’s arrest, for about a year and a half, I went weekly to a 12 step meeting for wives of addicts. When a woman first discovers she’s been lied to, manipulated, and abused. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we don’t feel like that is the right time to say things that you often hear in a 12 step meeting. Things like, you need to clean up your side of the street, or you need to learn to accept the things you cannot change.
Am I Over my ex? Betrayal Trauma Recovery Approach
Anne: Because that’s the same sort of thing he’ll tell you to manipulate you. But at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, our first goal is safety, peace and boundaries are the only way to create that safety. So we’re not gonna be like, okay, let’s take a deep breath and accept the things that we cannot change. Because we do not think women should accept abuse or that women should be just allowing themselves to be abused. As they “work on themselves and clean up their side of the street.”
That’s a common thing that many women in 12 step think. Okay, if I focus on myself, I can make things better. But they’re still being abused. We believe that for professionals or groups to say you need to work on yourself in the face of abuse, is unethical. So if you’re asking, how can I support a woman who’s been abused?
Like, what can I say to her? Tell the woman that she’s amazing, strong, and hasn’t done anything wrong. She hasn’t done anything to deserve this. And that she deserves to be treated with respect. We truly believe that about you. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we believe there’s nothing pathologically wrong with you. That you’re a healthy person who is trying to get to safety in whatever way you can. which is completely normal.
Everybody goes through a phase of not understanding what’s happening. Everybody feels angry. sad, depressed. These are normal healthy reactions to abuse.
Ongoing Recovery Struggles
Anne: My betrayal trauma recovery journey is still in process. There are days that are really hard. The other night, I ate potato chips for dinner. Like literally, that’s all I ate. I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything else. It’s not easy. I’ve been doing this for years now. And I feel like I’m still in progress. I definitely feel happier and more peaceful than I did when I started.
I definitely feel safer. My safety level has gone from like a 1 or a 0 to a 10. I feel supported and loved. So the things I struggle with now are financial and parenting issues. There’s no quick fix for betrayal trauma.
And that’s part of, I think, where the anger comes from. I’m left dealing with all the consequences of my ex husband’s terrible choices. Not just for the night he sprained my fingers and was arrested. But from before we got married, from when he lied to me, from when he chose to watch pornography. From when he continued to decide to lie to me, to abuse me. And to manipulate rather than live in the truth. Am I over my ex? When he lies and abuses me currently, it is hard.
There was an interesting thing that happened this week. It showed how much I’ve changed in the past two years. My ex showed up for my kid’s parent teacher conference. It was my appointment that I scheduled. And he was able to look online at their account and see when it was. So when I took my 8 year old into his classroom for the meeting with his teacher, my ex was sitting there.
https://youtube.com/shorts/vTKD5_Eb8cE
Confronting my Ex
Anne: I did not want to sit in a meeting with him unless the first thing out of his mouth is “I have made nine years of terrible mistakes. One right after the other, and I now understand how my actions have harmed you. This is what I’m going to do to make restitution. This is how I will continue to make living amends to you until you feel safe.” Unless that is the first thing out of his mouth, I cannot bear to be in his presence.
Like, hey, how are you doing? Like, any small talk, I cannot. So, I said to my son, Oh, I wasn’t expecting your dad to be here. Why don’t you talk to your teacher with your dad? I’ll take your five year old brother to the other meeting, and then we’ll switch. So, I took my five year old to his kindergarten meeting, And as I was walking out, my ex came in. I walked straight up to him, and I said, you need to make your own appointments.
And he looked me in the eye and lied straight to my face and said oh, I just thought the school set this for me. And I didn’t realize it was your appointment. So I said, no, this is my appointment, and you need to make your own appointment from now on. I left and we switched kids. And then after he brought my son back to the other room, and as we were leaving, I didn’t acknowledge him. I told my sons, let’s head home. And I was just going to leave. He said wait, you’ve been coming to my appointments. And I said, “That’s not true”, because I know it’s not true.
Am I over my ex? Progress & Gratitude
Anne: And he said, well, this thing with our son’s preschool last year. You showed up for my appointment, which wasn’t true. We were never even in the same room together. So no, I did not show up for his appointment. I said, if you want to argue about this, you can message me. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “I hope someday we can get along.” And I said, “We will never get along.”
It was amazing. I said my piece, I don’t “get along” with psychopaths. I don’t “get along” with people who lie right to my face continually. Or lie to other people about what I’ve done. I don’t get along with people like that, and I’m never going to. And I don’t choose friends like that. I avoid them at all costs, which is what I’m doing with him, and I will continue to do that. The fact that I could speak and not break down. It feels like I’m finally getting over my ex. The fact that I was able to say a very short statement was a sign that my recovery is working.
The answer to, am I over my ex? Is I’m making progress. Even if I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Even though what I did was perfect. I’m still kind of second guessing myself. But I love that I saw progress, and I’m so grateful for the changes that have taken place in my life. And I’m grateful for my friends and family.
Also, I’m grateful for you for being here with me through my recovery journey. And I hope that we have many years of beautiful recovery together, and that as all of us women become more and more healthy. We can be a great change for good in the world.
Lack of Intimacy in Marriage – What You Need to Know About Your Husband
Aug 23, 2022
Show notes
Many women who come to BTR for help say that lack of intimacy in marriage is a key issue with their husbands. Typically, this means their husband expects physical intimacy while ignoring relational intimacy or emotional safety. And some women say their husbands seem not interested in relational OR physical intimacy, at all. Either way, his lack of intimacy is a signal that something deeper is going on with him. If you need emotional support, try our online Betrayal Trauma Recovery support groups. 4 WAYS HIS LACK OF INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE 4 Key Issues Behind His Lack of Intimacy in Marriage 1. HE MAY BE USING INAPPROPRIATE MEDIA If he is using inappropriate media for stimulation, he is rewiring his desire away from real connection with his wife. A lot of women feel rejected and confused because husbands are supposed to want intimacy, and if their husband doesn’t seem interested, she’s going to wonder if something’s wrong with her body or her desirability. But, his lack of desire for his wife isn’t about her attractiveness. 2. HE MAY BE HAVING AN AFFAIR When a husband directs sexual energy elsewhere, whether toward another woman or toward online fantasy, he’s bonding outside the marriage. If he seems emotionally distant, defensive, or irritable, and there’s unaccounted for time, it’s worth noticing the patterns around these behaviors and taking steps toward finding clarity and emotional safety for yourself. 3. LACK OF INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE: HE MAY BE EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE Men who are emotionally abusive blame their wives for things they’re actually responsible for. So he might blame her for the messy house when he’s not picking up the house. He might be critical of her body, which is just a normal human body. I mean, just like his! Part of that emotional abuse is manipulation and control. Lack of intimacy in marriage is one way to exert control. It’s not the same thing as saying, “I don’t feel comfortable,” or “I feel too unsafe to be intimate with you.” If he’s been lying to you about his inappropriate media use or an affair, that’s coercion. So, of course, you’re not gonna feel emotionally or physically safe with him. If he’s rejecting you, but then blaming you for being distant, that’s part of that emotional abuse. That is gaslighting, manipulation, and control, which are some of 19 different emotional abuse tactics. To see if you’re experiencing any of them, take my free emotional abuse test. 4. HE MAY PERCEIVE HIMSELF AS THE VICTIM Emotionally abusive men often see themselves as experiencing a lack of intimacy in marriage. They “perceive” of themselves as a victim. He might be thinking, “If she would just…” and the things that he’s expecting his wife to do are completely unrealistic. Or he’s thinking, “How am I supposed to be in a loveless marriage?” referring to physical intimacy, when he puts absolutely no effort toward being emotionally intimate or involved in emotional repair. FIVE COMPONENTS OF HEALTHY INTIMACY Healthy intimacy includes: Safety Honesty & Transparency Respect Playfulness Joy You cannot build joy on deception or manipulation. No matter what he says, there is nothing she could have been, done, or acted like to prevent betrayal. That was his choice. IF YOU’RE ASKING, “WHAT DOES MY HUSBAND’S LACK OF INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE MEAN?” Start with thinking about your own safety. Is he honest? Is he transparent? Does he respect you? Is he emotionally present? If not, lack of intimacy in marriage has nothing to do with your desirability. Women in our group sessions for betrayal come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and backgrounds. Betrayal does not target a body type. The problem is relational integrity KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE: Navigating safety and trust as the foundation of intimacy What lack of intimacy in marriage does to a woman When an abuser perceives of himself as the victim How friends, family, and communities can help victims Things know and steps to follow when involving authorities TRANSCRIPT: PERSPECTIVES ON WHAT HUSBAND’S LACK OF INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE REALLY MEANS Anne: Today I have a therapist as my guest. We’re going to call her Maria. All right, so thinking about this topic of intimate betrayal. I mean, where do we even start? Maria: When we choose our spouse, it’s really a matter of, I’ll keep you safe and you keep me safe. And we’ll look out for each other. So when our person has secretive behaviors. Whether with another person or with inappropriate material, this is a safety risk. Anne: Yeah, because the lying and the gaslighting is all emotional and psychological abuse, and can also include lack of intimacy in marriage. Maria: I often hear stories of how some women throw up, some can’t breathe. Some can’t get off the floor, because their person is their person for safety. And when they are betrayed, they are not safe. Anne: I felt that right after my husband’s arrest, when I realized that things were really bad. Because before, I didn’t understand my true situation. I didn’t understand what was going on. And after his arrest, I lost like 15 pounds in three weeks. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. Realizing that the person I’d been relying on was never safe. But I didn’t know that. Maria: Yes. NAVIGATING SAFETY AFTER BETRAYAL Maria: So many times in the aftermath of betrayal, We experience come here, go away, come here for safety. Oh, wait, you just betrayed me. You’ve lied. You’ve cheated. Go away for safety. Wait, wait, wait, where are you going? Come back for safety. We want to go to our husband emotionally for safety. We are so vulnerable when we take off our clothes, when we are naked with someone, that leaves us tremendously vulnerable. And for women, especially, for those who choose to stay with their abusive spouse. This means they’re choosing to stay with the source of pain. And the source of their safety risk, and to navigate not only how to function daily with someone they don’t trust, but they also do this tough job of trying to figure out how to maneuver physical intimacy. Anne: In my case, once I realized my husband wasn’t safe, I observed from a safe distance. To watch what he would do. And he shut down my bank account, and he didn’t make any effort to see the kids. And he was lying about what had happened. He actually said to people she wouldn’t have sex with me. How am I supposed to be in a loveless marriage? DETERMINING YOUR LEVEL OF SAFETY Anne: She also won’t talk to me. How are we supposed to work out lack of intimacy in marriage? If she won’t talk to me? And so it’s traumatic either way, whether you stay or are separated. In both cases, the first step is to determine your level of safety. Which is what my Clarity After Betrayal Workshop is for. Because you might determine that he’s not even safe enough to talk to, let alone be physically intimate with. Maria: Establishing safety must be the first step. We cannot be that vulnerable with somebody unless we know we are safe with them. Sometimes women will choose to be physically intimate to try to keep him from cheating on her again. Women often compare themselves to their husband’s affair partner, whether it’s a inappropriate material image or a prostitute. And wonder what’s wrong with them and why they don’t measure up. Sometimes partners will choose to be physically intimate in ways they wouldn’t otherwise, to try to measure up to what they imagine that affair partner was like. Anne: Which is coercion. I mean, that’s a form of abuse. Maria: Women who decide to be physically intimate with their spouse who has betrayed them are at risk. They get scared, and might feel like I need to do this so that he won’t cheat on me again, or he won’t leave me. They do something they don’t want to do, that they might never have done, out of fear and desperation. We experience distress from having that experience. WHAT LACK OF INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE DOES TO A WOMAN: THE IMPACT OF COERCION Anne: Yeah, of course, we’re going to be distressed when we’re a victim of coercion. Maria: Yes, why do I still want to be with him? Why, after he’s hurt me so much? In that place, it’s important that I realize I’m not staying because there’s something wrong with me. Anne: Yeah, part of the coercion is his manipulation. Manipulating us to think that if we’d been somehow different, he wouldn’t have cheated. And that’s also a threat. That’s the definition of coercion. You feel like you have to be intimate. Because you’re threatened and manipulated. That’s when we realized that we’re a victim of a type of abuse. Maria: There’s nothing you could have done to keep the betrayal from happening. That is their choice. It’s not because you did or said something wrong, or weren’t enough or too much. I joined the Betrayal Trauma Recovery support group, and there were women of all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, ages, educational backgrounds, and socioeconomic backgrounds. And it proved it didn’t matter how I showed up in the world. It’s not my fault he betrayed me. Anne: One of the fears I felt was that my husband would say to his family or other people she’s not intimate with me, because in society, that’s like terrible. If a husband says she refuses to have that, then all the problems are my fault, because I’m saying no. They don’t know, that’s sexual coercion. If she can’t say no, then she can’t say yes. So that’s a serious form of sexual abuse that people aren’t recognizing. THE FEAR OF SAYING NO Maria: And addicts tend to use that as justification, which is not fair or accurate. I get really scared and wonder, is it okay to say no? I fear being criticized for saying no or being condemned. And I feel a fear of being a bad wife or a fear of being alone. Another example, I value keeping an intact family unit. So the kids have limited exposure to emotional abuse, gaslighting, or other safety issues. And I feel like I have to have sex to maintain an intact family. Some think honoring God means honoring or submitting to their husband. I honor God by being authentic, by protecting this body that God gave me, by protecting my heart that God gave me. Am I honoring God by being intimate when I don’t want to? Or am I honoring God by not and protecting myself? Anne: Yeah, with this type of coercion, it’s so difficult to sort through the manipulation and gaslighting. To figure out how you actually feel. Maria: Yes, it gets really confusing. TAKING PHYSICAL INTIMACY OFF THE TABLE Anne: Yeah, so many of us have been manipulated so much, and our emotions have been hijacked by the emotional abuse. Because he wants us to focus all our energy on him. We’re thinking, how does he feel? How is he doing? What can I do to help him? What can I do to ensure our families are intact? So many women have said that to me. I didn’t even recognize that I felt emotionally unsafe, and I didn’t even know what emotional safety meant. Before they recognize the emotional abuse, they don’t even know they can say no. About six months before my husband was arrested. I decided that I did not feel emotionally safe during sex. And so I stopped initiating. Historically, I had initiated, and I told him, you’re welcome to initiate if you want, but I’m not going to initiate it anymore. I’m not going to say yes if I don’t feel emotionally connected. He didn’t attempt in any way, shape or form to connect emotionally with me. I remember this, I had purchased a workbook for the two of us to go through to improve our marriage. And one night, I pulled it out and he was so excited about it. He was like, this is going to be amazing. And I said, if you want to do it again, you’ll need to be the one that initiates it. And he was like, I’m going to do that. That’s going to be great. And he never did, not once. He never initiated that workbook. He never initiated intimacy. So I learned what lack of intimacy in marriage does to a woman. WHAT LACK OF INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE DOES TO A WOMAN: THE ABUSER PERCEIVES HIMSELF AS A VICTIM Anne: So for me, it was helpful to see that he was exploiting me to do all the work in the relationship. And he used emotional and psychological abuse to do that. Maria: There’s real value in taking sex off the table. Let’s imagine, the husband is not reaching for his wife. She is not having emotional intimacy or physical intimacy. Instead, he has sexual experiences outside the relationship. The hope for the couple is that if we shut down the intimate experiences outside the marriage, we will now have intimacy inside the marriage. Except that’s not what happens. One of the common beliefs of someone with a sex addiction is that sex is my most important need. It’s not their most important need. We could live without it. If someone is not sexual, they’re not going to die or spontaneously combust. Those are emotionally abusive behaviors. We need to know what we’re dealing with, so we can make choices. Anne: Yeah, one of the things I’ve learned is that abuse is a character issue, a way that they perceive the world. The abuser perceives himself as a victim. And that’s what causes him to be emotionally and psychologically abusive and use sexual coercion. Because he’s a victim, he’s entitled to these things, and he’s not getting them. When in reality that’s just not true. Maria: Many addicts exhibit profound gaslighting behaviors because they’re trying not to get caught. They’re trying to get their spouse to back up, to not find out about their secret. They will be manipulative, bullying, mean, and say critical and contemptuous things to get the wife to back up. THE ROLE OF GASLIGHTING Anne: Yeah, I just wish I could have seen that for the emotional and psychological abuse it was. I mean, when I went through it, and I think most addicts think like this. My ex was like, Oh, yeah I’m a sex addict. So now I’m going to recover, and I’m going to be sober for six weeks, and then we can have sex again. And he was just checking boxes off the list to groom me. A lot of times we talk about healthy sexuality. I assume everyone else assumes we’re talking about actually engaging in sex. But I’d like to point out that healthy sexuality could mean abstinence. Healthy sexuality refrains from sex, with someone who is emotionally abusive. Someone who’s gaslighting you and lying to you and who doesn’t respect you. Maria: We need to talk about gaslighting here and the consequences of gaslighting because he will do and say things that distort her reality. If he’s rewriting history, she’s going to wonder what’s true. The consequences of gaslighting are that she will doubt herself, her intuition, what’s real. Over time, a decline in her ability to trust herself, to trust gut instincts. We often talk about how our intuition has been damaged. Our ability to trust our gut instinct has been damaged. They doubt themselves, and if they doubt themselves, they doubt their ability to stay safe in the world. They doubt their ability to pick a safe partner. HEALTHY SEXUALITY & ABSTINENCE Anne: Yeah, I feel like being in touch with ourselves, and our intuition, is the first line of defense before even attempting to date again. Maria: Absolutely, yes, I hope to take the time to heal before getting into another relationship. Anne: And for single women, I think that’s what healthy sexuality looks like. I mean, for someone who has either never been married or divorced. Healthy sexuality looks like I have a voice, I can speak it, I have boundaries, I can say no. Maria: As a therapist, a series of conversations I often have are, how did you learn how to be a sexual being? Where did you learn? What did you learn about your body parts, how to be in relationship? And what did you learn about sex or being sexual? What did they believe about their body and challenge some beliefs they may have learned, because that’s what someone told them to believe. And really come to terms with what they authentically believe. To help them define their value system. So that when they approach a romantic relationsh…
Teaching Children How To Set Boundaries with Kimberly Perry
Aug 16, 2022
Show notes
Parents are rightfully concerned about their children’s safety. If you’re searching for tips on teaching children how to set boundaries, here’s what you need to know. Children Need To Set Boundaries to Keep Themselves Safe Here are four practical and empowering boundaries strategies when teaching children how to set boundaries: Body awareness with basic hygiene, health, and safety concepts The dangers of inappropriate media on the Internet and apps Personal Safety – prevention awareness of safe boundaries for private parts Educate children about emotional and psychological abuse. To learn about the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. transcript: Teaching Children How To Set Boundaries Anne: Today I have Kimberly Perry, author of Say No and Tell, a creative view of personal safety for Maisie. That’s the girl’s version, and Daxton for boys. After teaching personal safety to over 1,000 elementary school students, she was inspired to write the Say No and Tell book series. We’re talking about teaching children how to set boundaries. Welcome, Kimberly. Kimberly: Thank you, Anne, for having me. Anne: So, I have these two books, Say No and Tell Daxton and Say No and Tell Maisie, in my home, and I’ve used it with my sons and my daughter. These books are incredible for helping children. Kimberly, why did you decide to write a book about personal safety for young kids? Kimberly: The statistics were shocking to me. How can it be that at least 2 out of every 10 girls and 1 out of every 10 boys are estimated to be sexually abused before their 14th birthday? According to Child Protective Services, every 8 minutes they respond to an abuse report. According to the CDC, about 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls are abused before the age of 18. While serving as a health and physical education teacher in the Michigan public school system, I taught a unit called personal safety to over a thousand elementary students. I wondered why I had not been taught these prevention strategies when I was a child. Sexual abuse can be physical abuse. Which most of us think of when we hear that term. It can also be non physical abuse, which is what a child might see, such as pornography. Or what a child might hear, which would be inappropriate language about private parts from a grown up to a child. Empowering Families with Personal Safety Kimberly: So with my experience of teaching these children and seeing the statistics, I want to share the message of personal safety for grownups, kids, and families, so they can be empowered. Like I mentioned earlier, it’s not just the physical body abuse. It’s the non physical, which includes pornography, and can be a grooming technique that a predator may use to groom a child into child abuse. Anne: That’s fantastic. I can use it to meet my kids where they are when teaching children how to set boundaries and concepts that I think apply to various personal safety issues. Sexual abuse, of course, included in that, but in my case, emotional abuse. I’m grateful that this gives such great examples, and then the concepts are applicable to many situations for kids’ safety. Things we don’t learn in affordable relationship counseling. Kimberly: Anne, I am so delighted to hear you say that, because I want you to tailor it to what you need, your family values, your family terminology, and your story. So for instance, you were talking about abuse in general. Well, boundaries is one of those concepts. Boundaries define our personal property. And they allow us to take care of it by setting limits on others and internal limits within ourselves. So we teach our kids self control. That would be an example of an internal limit, the boundary of saying no defines ownership. It lets others know that we exist apart from them and are in control. So whether emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically, boundaries are important. So that we know where we begin and someone else ends. Structure of the Say No and Tell Books Kimberly: Within the book, there are three parts basically. Part one is the story where Maisie and Daxton in their own separate books embark on a journey of growing up, and their bodies change and prepare to migrate. The parents teach them personal safety before they go, and throughout you’ll see open-ended questions where you can define your terminology and values. You can pick and choose what you feel your child is ready to hear about boundaries, depending on what age. Part 2 of the book has 8 scenarios in which I research the predator, and turn those tactics into life skills for kids. So that we go on the offensive and not just be defensive. Some examples of the scenarios are privacy, private moments, guarding your eyes and ears. What is a safe secret versus an unsafe secret? What is a bribe, a threat and what is a safe game, etc? And then finally, the third section has solutions with numerous tools. There’s a quiz, a personal safety family plan, resources, and then a removable section for grown ups with all kinds of statistics. As well as practical ideas of how do I talk to my kid about body awareness? What do I say? Anne: I loved when I got to the safe secrets part, because we have a rule in our family: our family has no secrets. We call things for birthdays or presents fun surprises. So when I got to that section in your book, I was able to say there are no secrets. We only have safe surprises. So I changed the wording there to match our own family’s terminology of what I’ve been using for years. It’s so important to talk about these things when protecting children from online harm. Teaching Childeren How To Set Boundaries: Family Rules and Safe Secrets Anne: And it was so validating to share that in a book with my kids, because I hadn’t seen that in a book. So that was cool. Kimberly: And Anne, you picked up on one of the themes throughout the book. You’ll notice the repetition, which in my training as an educator, is that repetition is important for our brains so that we memorize. You’ll see over and over again. Tell and keep telling until it stops. It might seem overdone, but for it to become part of what they do when there is a questionable encounter. Or something traumatizing. Our amygdala kicks in and we’re in this fight or flight. And it’s really nice to know this simple “tell and keep telling until it stops,” these kinds of slogans can pop into their minds and help them to move into action. As I involve myself more and more with this movement to protect kids and end sexploitation, there seems to be consensus that it’s not too young to begin around preschool through the elementary ages, so ages three to nine. Particularly when you notice a child becoming curious about the body and gender differences. Which can be very early on and is a natural part of developing body awareness. It’s key to affirm this stage and phase that it’s not shameful. Teaching children how to set boundaries, rather than reproduction, safe touches. Which feel comfortable telling them your body belongs to you. It’s okay to say no, thank you to any touches, whether it’s a safe touch or especially an unsafe touch. If they don’t feel like having a hug, they don’t have to have a hug. Teaching Kids About Body Autonomy Kimberly: That way they know they are responsible for their body and they are allowed to set boundaries. And also that privacy is okay, as they’re becoming more independent. Then they can learn about having privacy. Anne: Yeah, I have found that three is not too young to start to teach healthy intimacy. It’s cute, because my two year old calls a penis a peanut, because she can’t quite talk. Her brother’s four. And so she’ll say, Mom, where’s my peanut? And I’ll say, you don’t have a penis because you’re a girl. Kimberly: That’s cute. Anne: The other thing I think is funny, and I appreciate it about your book, is that my sons hate mermaids. And my seven year old is like, Mom, I do not know who invented mermaids. They are ridiculous. They only have those shells for breast covers. I do not like them. So I think that’s cute that they can talk about when they feel uncomfortable. They have the words to describe their discomfort or curiosity, which I think is important for kids. Kimberly: And teaching kids about their instincts. That uh oh feeling deep down in their belly, and encouraging them to learn to trust that. That is letting them know that something is not right, and they need to talk to somebody and tell them and get help. You’ll also want to note that this book does not cover reproduction which is saved for an age appropriate time at your discretion. Anne: Even though these books don’t cover reproduction, there are other age appropriate books that do, so I appreciate that these talk specifically about unsafe touching, and that I can apply that to the different situations. Teaching Children boundaries: Practical Tips for Parents Anne: Because talking to kids is so important, what do parents need to know? When they’re teaching children about boundaries and what to do when they’re exposed to a questionable encounter. Kimberly: The simplest way I boiled it down to: say no, get away, tell, and keep telling. When I thought and prayed about this jingle, I wanted it short, sweet, and rhyme, but also something that packed a punch and wasn’t leaving anything out. The way it’s read is, say no and get away if you can, tell someone and keep telling until it stops, take a stand. So the rhyme goes, say no, get away if you can, tell someone and keep telling until it stops, take a stand. And that last part is important, because often times kids statistics show they often share with a friend that’s their age, or they seldom tell. So even if it is reported, it doesn’t mean it’s always reported to the right person to stop it. Teaching Children About Boundaries: Develop Safety Protocols Kimberly: You want to ensure your child has their address memorized and their phone number. You will want to develop a family code word for danger. For instance, if your child is at a play date or an overnight sleepover. They can check in with you and say whatever word you have would be the code for, Come pick me up, things are not going great. And it is also important to develop some sort of check-in rule of at a certain time. Or you text each other to see how it’s going when they’re away from you. It’s also important that kids know how to dial 911. And you tell them the safe caregivers and trusted grown ups in your lives. And choose five of them, where you write their name and phone numbers. This is a significant distinguishing point: if anyone ever tries an unsafe touch, whether physical or non physical, that person is no longer safe. Anne: Yep, I talk to my children about that quite a bit. It’s not just about strangers. Statistically speaking, a child is more likely to be abused by someone they know than by a stranger. Kimberly: Yeah, 90 percent of children who are victims of abuse know their abuser. Anne: Yeah, making sure kids are safe from strangers and being abducted is important. But 90 percent of the time, it’s going to be someone they know. So talking about how to determine whether someone is safe, and if they seem safe, but they’re actually unsafe. Those are important things to talk about, absolutely. New Training Workbook for Organizations Anne: So tell me about your new book. A training workbook intended for clergy or teachers. Kimberly: This training workbook is designed for any grown ups working with children within organizations. However, I’ve found that many parents have also been buying the book to train themselves personally about how to help kids set boundaries. Youth pastors can train their children’s ministry volunteers. You could train your karate club and all the staff members working there or a soccer club. Any staff members or grownups working with kids with an organization will benefit. The positive feedback was supportive. There was a man who came up to me afterwards, and this is what he said about the training. He says, I’ve always felt this was institutional denial, and it’s almost universal. This is the first time in 35 years of regular church attendance that I’ve learned that there are well developed materials available to combat this problem. He was referring to the Me Too movement. Penn State University, Michigan State University and the gymnasts with Larry Nassar and institutional denial. He has seen that as a concern over the years, even though it’s a sensitive topic. He was delighted that we were beginning the conversation. The most important part is to learn the child friendly language. What I like to tell parents is that the kids, the grown ups, and the organizations, even though there is discomfort and taking the time to learn about preventing child abuse. Real-Life Stories & Feedback Kimberly: I cannot tell you how many people have shared with me their personal stories. People up in their seventies, all the way down to their twenties and thirties, sharing with me their personal stories of child abuse that they’ve never told anyone before. We want to make the term personal safety commonplace or familiar on two fronts, both inside the home and outside the home. As you mentioned earlier, there are the two Say No and Tell children’s books inside the home. This new launch of the training workbook is for training outside the home. Anyone can present this boundaries and personal safety workshop and take the preventative steps to safeguard against child abuse by empowering everyone in your organization. You want to do an environmental scan where you go through and rope off vulnerable places within the environment. You want to come up with a code of conduct for interacting with children. And this could be tailored for infants, toddlers, elementary age, or teens. And that way everyone understands the protocols. For instance, when a third grader needs to take a bathroom break, what needs to happen and what does that look like? Everyone should understand what those are so that everyone’s on the same page while children learn about boundaries. A mom of a 16 year old, one of the slogans she learned is that telling is not tattling. And so there was a social media incident. She explained to her daughter, please let me know what’s going on. And she said, telling is not tattling. And they were able to intervene within this questionable social media interaction. Kimberly: And there was another mom who read the say no and tell book, a mother of a sixth grader. Children can Set Boundaries: More Real-Life Stories And a similar situation where she took in the content and then made it her own for a daughter who’s a little older. They were at the pool swimming, and there was a man staring uncomfortably at their daughter. The daughter had the courage to go up to her parents and say, I’m feeling uncomfortable, he’s staring at me. She was so uncomfortable, she was trying to hide behind her parents, and they discussed it more. It was neat, because they had that communication where she could recognize that uh oh feeling and that instinct inside of her saying, there’s something not right here. Not only are we instilling in children that it’s okay and safe to tell. But if that first person doesn’t believe you, or the second or the third person, then you’ve got to keep telling. Until the right person believes you and will make it stop. Anne: Applying it to my own situation, where I was married to an abusive man for seven years, and talked to people about it. I kept talking about it, and I didn’t know at the time that it was abuse. I didn’t describe it that way, because I didn’t have the words to say that at the time. Until I finally figured out what was going on, and that was just simply thanks to my ex husband being arrested. Because of his arrest, I finally got the clarity I needed. I was so happy to see that in that jingle, keep telling until it stops, because that is what I did. And I thi…
Rethinking The Betrayal Trauma Process with Barbara Steffens
Aug 09, 2022
Show notes
If you’re wondering how long the betrayal trauma process takes to heal, here’s what you need to know. Betrayal trauma is what women experience before and after they discover their husband’s infidelity. And it’s not just from the discovery of his lies. It’s also caused by years of invisible emotional and psychological abuse. To find out if you’ve experienced emotional abuse (even without knowing it), take our free emotional abuse test. If you relate and need support, see our daily, online betrayal trauma support group schedule. Transcript: Rethinking The Betrayal Trauma Process Anne: It is my honor and delight to have Barb Steffens here today. Welcome, Barb. Barbara: Thanks for having me. I really appreciate the opportunity. Anne: I’m so honored to have you here today. Partners have difficulty finding appropriate support and help for themselves. Why do you think it’s so difficult to find appropriate support? Barbara: First, there’s not a lot of knowledge about abuse in general. In a counseling program, when I look at the course offerings, there’s very little that’s even being taught to therapists who are getting trained about the impact on the family. There’s not a lot of public education on the topic. And it still tends to be one of those things that people don’t understand, and so they don’t want to talk about it. So there’s just very, very little information out there. I think the general, let’s say therapist or counselor, maybe they have some awareness of addiction. But they don’t make the leap to trauma process for the wife. Sometimes people think they know enough because they read one book or something. And so then they start saying, yes, I can help this population, and end up not being helpful and sometimes hurtful. But I think it’s a lack of information, certainly a lack of training. Societal & Religious Misunderstandings Anne: I’ve been talking to my mom about this, and it seems like I’m fighting two fronts. Society in general and their misunderstanding of the issue, and then also the church. Both populations misunderstand it. The religious community sees it a certain way, and they think you should heal in a certain way. That, at least for me, was not helpful at all. And then society in general accepts pornography or they don’t understand the trauma process. Barbara: I’m glad you brought up faith community. Because I, too, have found they don’t talk about it. They’re afraid to talk about it, or when they do, they lack adequate information. And especially when the wife goes for assistance, they can get crazy kind of advice that can be hurtful too. Like, just be more sexual. Of course, when your husband looks at pornography, you must not be doing something you’re supposed to do. So those kinds of things don’t help at all. Trying to get into faith communities to educate them on this is extremely difficult. I think they have a lot of fear, they don’t want to talk about it. I think we also know that leadership in faith communities is struggling with this. Anne: Plus the fact that it’s betrayal trauma in a relationship, and with the trauma process model, we identify as actual true victims. Barbara: Right. Anne: Not that we don’t have choices, or not that we can’t be empowered. But I think for a faith community, they don’t want to admit that his behavior has left a trail of destruction. Trauma & Victim Blaming Anne: You know, they’d rather have it be, well, this is my part. And your part is, you ask me too many questions or don’t make dinner. Or one of my coaches said her religious community told her she needed to win him over with her godly demeanor. So that type of stuff is re- traumatizing to women. Barbara: Yeah. And you’re describing the distorted thoughts and beliefs of someone who’s engaging in compulsive sexual behavior. Those responses from faith communities sound like so much of the distorted thinking. It’s somebody else’s fault. It’s not that bad. No one needs to know. No one is hurt. They minimize, rationalize, and blame shift. And so unfortunately, many places do the same level of harm that the person does who is betraying their spouse. They use the same tactics. Anne: Absolutely, my church leader abused me. This happens when churches don’t believe abuse victims. That is more traumatizing to me than the actual betrayal. Because I went to someone for help, and they re-abused me. I say abuse by proxy, because he believed all the things my ex was saying, yeah. So describe treatment induced trauma. We’ve just talked about it. Barbara: Treatment induced trauma is when the spouse goes to someone that they expect that someone can help me. And then in that trauma process, they find themselves feeling harmed. And sometimes the harm in that setting can feel worse than the original betrayal, because you go feeling betrayed. You need to tell someone, get some assistance. And then when they don’t believe you and you are blamed. Or it is minimized, it just adds to the level of trauma. Trauma Process: Comparing to Child Abuse Barbara: I compare it to a child who’s sexually abused. They have the courage to speak up and tell someone and when that person doesn’t believe them or tells them they must have imagined things. Or they shouldn’t talk like that, then that person pulls away and is even more hurt. Not being believed is worse than the actual abuse. When you are’t heard, seen, believed, or valued. It really intensifies the betrayal trauma. So it’s institutional betrayal. Again, this expectation that this place or this person I’m going to is there for me. Then when they turn against me, they add more harm and trauma, so that’s what it is. I can tell you, I hear it all the time. I get emails, letters, phone calls from women from all over the United States and many other countries, and they’re all describing that similar experience. Experience of taking the risk to go and tell someone, and then not heard or harmed in the process. And it really angers me, because by now, there’s enough information out here that I would think people would know what not to do, but it still occurs. Anne: One of the things I see is that the addict is so good at lying and manipulating. Others believe them over the victim repeatedly. And how do you get away from that if someone’s lying about you and someone is manipulating the support that you’re trying to get? It’s really difficult to want to get help, to be willing to get help, to actually make the effort to get help and then be harmed further. Misunderstanding in Therapy Barbara: Yeah, and a lot of times the first person the spouse visits is either their clergy, who’s going to look at it as a marriage issue, or a couple’s counselor. Who’s going to view it through the lens of a marriage issue, and it’s not a marriage issue. A lot of times people try to treat it as a couple’s issue, and it’s not. And I think, again, that’s where many partners are just as you’ve described. Harmed, not understood, or abused within the session, and the therapist doesn’t catch it. Therapists are trained to recognize physical abuse. But they don’t have much awareness of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, especially psychological abuse and manipulation. And so again, they’re going to see that as a communication issue, rather than a power issue, a control issue or an abuse issue. Many times people think the only trauma process is the discovery of the secrets, and that’s horrific, that’s traumatic. But what’s missed in many help settings is that ongoing emotional abuse has occurred. It’s already done tons of damage and harm to the victim. Anne: And then sometimes the continued abuse for husbands who are addicted who are “in recovery.” Barbara: Yes, right, they may have stopped behaviors, the acting out behaviors, but they haven’t started to practice healthy relational behaviors. Anne: Or in some cases, I don’t know if they’ve stopped acting out sexually at all. Barbara: When partners, let’s say it’s six months to a year after discovery, and partners are still not getting “better” in their view. I’m doing that in quotation marks. You can’t see me doing that, but the partners aren’t getting better. Pathologizing the Partner Barbara: Most often it’s because either there’s ongoing sexual acting out that has not yet been uncovered, he’s lying, which is ongoing chronic emotional abuse, manipulation, psychological abuse, and gaslighting, just the things you were describing. So how is a partner supposed to start to heal when the traumatizing has not stopped? Anne: Exactly. Barbara: And so we pathologize the partner for not getting well, rather than she doesn’t feel safe. And to me, that is a huge place where treatment induced trauma process occurs, where the partner is blamed for her not getting better when she is abused. Anne: I see that time and time again. And it’s so distressing to me because the women in these situations are feeling guilty. They’re feeling terrible. They can’t figure out why they don’t feel good when the behaviors they’re describing to me and their husbands sound terrible. And I’m thinking, your therapist isn’t picking this up. Barbara: They’re not addressing the abusive behaviors that go along with the chronic viewing of pornography or the other types of sexual acting out that can happen with this type of addiction. They’re looking at the acting out behaviors alone, not looking at how it impacts the character, and getting in the way of that individual caring about empathy for the people they’re harming. So they can talk about how to control their behavior, so they’re not using pornography, but they’re not addressing how this has impacted your wife. One of the saddest impacts is that it gets in the way of spouses, partners and help for themselves. Trauma Process: Impact on Mental Health Barbara: Who wants to get help and be told that you’re part of the problem, that there’s something wrong in you, or this wouldn’t have happened to you. And then if they don’t agree, they pull away and say, well, I can’t trust telling this to anybody, because all I’m doing is getting blamed for it. And so they pull away and don’t seek help again. So to me, that’s the greatest damage, because we know that people who don’t get help, who are traumatized. Or who are in chronically unsafe, abusive relationships can develop longer-term chronic mental health issues. So it just adds to the level of distress for the spouse. So for me, that’s the greatest impact. But also there’s that secondary trauma that the partner experiences. So they are not only working through the betrayal trauma process in their relationship. But they also work through the betrayal trauma they experienced at the hand of a clergy member, therapist or other health provider, a physician. Many people will go to a physician to talk about what’s going on, and try to get say medication or something. And the physician can do harmful things. It’s the extra trauma that doesn’t need to be there, that shame that comes when a partner is blamed for what happens to them. Partners experience that anyway. That’s also our first response. You know, what’s wrong with me that this happened? How did I not know? What did I do or not do that? That my husband is acting this way. But then when a care provider shames them or blames them, that just heaps more shame on the partner. Seeking Help & Support Anne: Yeah, and it’s an extended form of the abuse. Barbara: Yeah. There’s a lot of gaslighting that happens to partners and it’s not all within the relationship. And they’re trying to find affordable relationship counseling. Anne: Exactly. Barbara: Partners are getting wiser now that there are more resources available to them, like what you are doing. This is phenomenal that you are offering this kind of information for spouses. So getting educated, ask what kind of model do you use? Do you believe all partners are codependent? You want a therapist or coach aware of what you need. And that’s their primary focus is on getting to know you and identifying how they can help you and allow you to be active in the process. Unfortunately, I hear a lot of times partners go to get help, and there’s not much room for individual needs. Unfortunately, a lot of therapists say, well, I treat. blah, blah, blah, well, no, you shouldn’t have to train your treatment provider, if there’s prior treatment or some kind of treatment induced trauma process that they experienced, like, from their faith community. Processing that, talking about it, working on ways to find healing for that. Talk that through with someone, so that you know what all your options are, and then do what fits for you. Anne: For me, being stuck in that, wanting to pick it, not that I would literally want to do that, but phase. This is an institutional problem that I see within my church, and it needs to change. I don’t know how to change it. I don’t even know where to start. Last night, I spent a lot of time actually just praying. Individual Responsibility & Change Anne: What do you want me to do, God? I don’t know how to even overcome this. I don’t even know if that’s healthy for me to worry about the institution as a whole or feel like the weight of that is on my shoulders. But because I talked to so many women about it, I think someone has to do something. And maybe that is me. I don’t know. It’s just such a difficult thing. Barbara: It really is. Short of picketing, I don’t know if picketing would be helpful, but the services you provide your podcasts, through the coaching you provide, are making a difference. That’s bringing about change. You know, and in large part because of the services you provide, spouses and partners have been educated. They have found support, they are connected with other women who believe similar things, and is changing the institution. Because they are speaking up. So there are many things that we can do. It’s up to the individual to decide what makes sense for them, and what’s safe for them to do. Because this is risky stuff. Anne: It’s not something I necessarily like to do, but it needs to be done. And I appreciate everything you personally have done. Barbara: Well, I have experienced it as a call on my life that whenever I have the opportunity to talk to someone about partners, spouses of sex addicts, and what they need. So whatever opportunity I have to verbalize how extreme this need is for ethical and appropriate care for partners. I’m going to do it. Anne: Thank you, thank you. I’ll be the collective voice of thanks. Thank you. Barbara: And I’m not alone in doing it. Trauma Process: You Are Courageous & amazing Anne: It’s an amazing community. Barbara: Yeah. Anne: We’re trying to provide it for women where they are and when they need it. Because so many women are so busy with their children or their work schedules. That just one more thing, in addition to all the trauma, is very difficult. Which may be a reason why women don’t get help. It’s because they’re so overwhelmed with everything. Barbara: Oh, absolutely, absolutely, I am always amazed when in the throes of crisis. Somehow or other find their way to think clearly enough to get help. Knowing that they can have additional support just by going online. I love that. Anne: Shouting out into the void of the universe. We are here, you are supported, you can come. It doesn’t matter where you live. You can find us, and we are here for you. Barbara: Yes. I want to say to the partners listening to this, that I’m so proud of you for doing what it takes to get support. And information that you’re seeking out. Because that takes risk, especially if you’ve already read things or heard things that didn’t make sense to you or hurt you. And if you are still seeking, you are courageous and amazing. So I want you to know that. I’m grateful for these types of podcasts. Thanks so much for the work Betrayal Trauma Recovery is doing, because it’s so shaming, so scary to think about telling someone. There’s nothing more i…
50 Things You Need To Know About Betrayal Trauma In A Relationship
Aug 02, 2022
Show notes
If you’re experiencing betrayal trauma in a relationship, here’s a list of 50 things you need to know. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take thisfree emotional abuse quiz. This A-Z Betrayal Trauma Glossary is intended to help women learn everything they need to know about betrayal trauma in a relationship: what caused it and what to do next. If you need live support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session. Abuse A way of thinking that deems exploitation of another person acceptable. The aim of abuse is control and exploitation. Abuse is not just physical assault. Abusers use tactics that impact emotional, psychological, spiritual, sexual, and financial well-being. The results are devastating and severe to his wife, as well as any children in the home. Emotional and psychological abuse are devastating with severe consequences to women and children. Women in non-physical abusive relationships are often so manipulated, they don’t even know their husband is emotionally or psychologically abusive. Abusive people don’t lose control. They try to assert control through lies, manipulation, anger, sexual coercion, marital rape, physical intimidation or violence. Pornography use is emotional and sexual abuse, even if the pornography user identifies himself as an “addict”. Abuse-by-Proxy (See “Parental Alienation”) When abusive men continue to terrorize and attempt to control victims using the family court system, by harming the children, and utilizing other unsafe people, this is abuse-by-proxy. It’s good for victims to notify authorities about emotional, psychological, physical, or sexual abuse. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take thisfree emotional abuse quiz. Depending on the state and local system, the way you report may be more effective if you report through the Domestic Violence Shelter in your area or if a doctor or teacher reports in. In some states, reporting may increase the danger for you, because they don’t take reports of emotional or psychological (or even physical or sexual abuse) seriously. We recommend taking The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop will help you understand the safe strategies to use when beginning your journey to emotional safety. Abusers may manipulate others into extending their abuse (abuse-by-proxy) by: Claiming “parental alienation” Sabotaging shared children’s relationships with therapists, teachers, doctors, etc. Refusing to co-parent in a healthy, constructive way Inserting themselves into the victim’s personal life Continuously bringing the victim to court Threatening or actually involving CPS or law enforcement simply to terrorize the victim Attempting to convince (gaslight) the children that the victimized parent is unhealthy, abusive, and/or in any way a less desirable parent than the abuser Neglecting the basic emotional and physical needs of the children Abusive Patterns Abusers skillfully keep their victims in (a cycle) patterns of emotional, social, and psychological entrapments. That make escape seem impossible and the abuse difficult to detect. These patterns can include the following phases: Manipulation (psychological and emotional abuse) – attentive, kind, helpful, apologetic, promises to seek help, admits there is a problem in the relationship Tension (psychological and emotional abuse) – any behavior from the victim that the abuser sees as offensive. Including the partner asking the abuser to seek treatment for the abuse he admitted to when he used manipulative kindness. This creates resentment, which builds up Overt abuse – physical (punching walls, screaming in your face), sexual (pornography use, soliciting prostitutes, sexting), verbal (name calling, avoiding questions), emotional (manipulating emotions), psychological (gaslighting, lying), financial, spiritual Denial (psychological abuse)– gaslighting; minimizing; victim-blaming; bold-faced lying; turning friends and family against the victim Not all abusive episodes go through these phases. For example, lies to deceive are ongoing, and a form of coercive control over a wife. Accountable Recognizing and accepting full responsibility for thoughts, feelings, perceptions, choices, etc., and the outcomes of those actions and choices. Accountability Taking responsibility for actions by acknowledging the abuse, working diligently to change behavior, and doing the incredibly hard work to make amends by continuous actions. An abuser’s wife and/or children are never responsible for any aspect of the abuser’s decisions or behaviors. She cannot cause, cure, or control it. Long-term accountability (current research indicates 3-5 years) can be a sign of change for the abuser. However, short-term bursts of accountability are manipulation used to trap the victim. Acting Out Abusers who identify themselves as “sex addicts” “act out” when they commit infidelity against their wife whether with another living person, themselves (through masturbation), virtually, or through fantasy. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery , we see any acting out as abuse. Addict Brain Or Addict Fog In the CSAT community, Addict Brain/Fog refers to a period of emotional withdrawal or overt emotional or psychological abuse by the abuser, directed toward his partner and/or children. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we view withholding truth, affection, attention, and focus from his wife and/or children to use pornography or have an affair. As extremely destructive emotional and psychological abuse. Attachment Therapy This form of therapy causes secondary trauma to victims of abuse, because it blames the victim. The theory contends his abuse is due to attachment issues, so a healthy attachment could cure him. Marriage counseling and/or therapy are detrimental when abuse is present, because abuse renders someone too dangerous for attachment. So many people say marriage is hard work, but it’s not if you’re not married to an abuser. A victim who attempts to attach to an abuser will only end up being harmed. Betrayal Trauma Betrayal Trauma is the devastating result of a woman being abused by her husband’s infidelity. Including pornography use and the related lies, manipulation, gaslighting, emotional and psychological abuse, and sexual coercion. Many women want to recover from betrayal trauma. Sufferers of Betrayal Trauma experience emotional, psychological, physical, and spiritual symptoms that disrupt daily life. Healing from Betrayal Trauma is possible only if she separates herself from abuse, and is surrounded by a strong, nurturing support system. Blame-shifting Transferring fault to another person to avoid accountability. Blaming another person for the abuse or compulsive sexual behaviors. For example, saying, “If you wouldn’t do ____, then I wouldn’t look at pornography/hire prostitutes/yell at you.” Boundaries Boundaries are the pathway to safety and the most powerful form of self-care. It is the most proactive action a victim can take. Boundaries are essential to healing; they enable women to safely care for themselves, because they are safely removed from abuse. Boundaries are not words. They are actions to keep a woman safe. They do not need to be stated to take action. CSAT A Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. While CSATs seemed to be the only group available to help victims of sexual coercion. In terms of their husband’s pornography use or infidelity. CSATs are not trained adequately to clearly see the abuse patterns deployed by abusers. We do not recommend that emotional & psychological abuse victims go to a CSAT or get their husband to go. Instead, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session. Check-in A practice recommended by CSATS, other pornography addiction professionals, and clergy. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery we don’t recommend checking in with a psychological abuser about his abuse, whether in person, over the phone, or in writing, since it only serves as an opportunity for the abuser to manipulate his victim. Coach Betrayal Trauma Recovery’s coaches provide professional support and offer insight, validation, and direction for wives of pornography users and sex addicts. All of our coaches have been through it, are trained by BTR.ORG, and are certified. Codependency A label sometimes put on victims of abuse to encourage taking some level of responsibility for the situation. It doesn’t recognize victim blaming. This model is false and negates the reality of abuse. Crazy-Making See Gaslighting. Detachment Detachment occurs when the wife of an abuser removes herself emotionally from the devastation of the abuser’s choices. Often, this takes place once she has separated from him, and the manufactured relational tethers have begun to disintegrate. Discovery When a husband’s previously undisclosed sexually perverse behavior is discovered. That may mean husband is taking advantage of me. This is most often a traumatic, shocking, and/or sometimes dangerous event for the woman. It can be discovered without any warning, or it may be suspected and D-Day (Discovery Day) confirms it. D-day is traumatic. The woman’s sense of reality is shattered, and often experiences distorted feelings of guilt, blame, confusion, intense fear, nightmares, despair, insomnia, etc. This is usually the point at which she discovers some abuse, and she is usually shocked to discover that she’s been a victim of abuse for years without knowing it. See Trauma for more details. Drama Triangle The Drama Triangle is a psychological theory often presented to couples in troubled relationships. The application of this theory blames both parties. However, in the abusive marriage, there is no Drama Triangle: there is simply an abuser and his victim. The abuser will use all three roles in the Drama Triangle (victim, rescuer, and persecutor) to control and harm his wife. When she reacts to his abuse, he labels her and/or poorly trained “professionals” as any of those three roles (victim, rescuer, or persecutor), when in reality, she’s simply an abuse victim trying to survive. Using the Drama Triangle to describe the relational dynamics of an abusive marriage is like trying to diagnose cancer using a cheese grater. It simply makes no sense. Emotional Abuse Any behavior that harms the emotional well being of another. Emotional Safety A state in which a person can be open and vulnerable with another person. Several factors play into being emotionally safe. When a victim is being manipulated with kindness, she often feels emotionally safe, even though she isn’t. Emotional safety happens when you feel loved, adequate, and safe to share your feelings. Your husband sees you as an equal, worthy of his love and respect. Emotional Affair When your husband spends his emotional energy, time and attention on someone other than you, gaslighting you to protect his behavior. Empathy A powerful tool to connect with others, respect an individual’s situation, and sit with them in their pain, rather than trying to fix or lecture. When we feel empathy for another, we acknowledge and/or validate their pain as we place ourselves in their situation. Empathy is the ability to recognize and respond to another’s pain, taking responsibility for your part in causing that pain (only if appropriate). Empathy can also be a torturous tool in the arsenal of an abusive man, used to tell his wife that she is not empathetic if she does not condone his behavior. Or if she is hurt by the things he did in “the past”, even if the past wasn’t very long ago at all or he’s still doing it. Enable To enable is to give someone permission to continue doing something. Those who do not immediately support and believe the victim are, accidentally or intentionally, enabling the abuser. Fantasy/Fantasizing The practice of using stored images of sexually perverse activities in his mind involving other people, pornography, movies, or made up scenarios. Including his own wife or children, resulting in sexual pleasure or arousal with or without masturbation. Faulty Core Beliefs Deeply held beliefs that are not true. For example, we may have come to believe early in our life that we need to earn love, are unlovable, or somehow caused this trauma and pain ourselves. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coaches are trained to help you rediscover your self-worth. Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn Common ways victims respond to abuse in an effort to survive. A natural, totally normal way to respond when our physical, mental, or emotional safety is threatened—or when we perceive that our safety is threatened. Physically, we might experience rapid heart beating, rapid breathing, trembling, becoming paralyzed with fear, etc. Our body is literally reacting to a threat and goes into a type of survival mode. Gaslighting A tool using lies by abusers to harm their victims. They psychologically manipulate to distort reality, causing a feeling of craziness, also referred to as crazy-making.https://www.btr.org/how-to-recognize-victim-blaming/ Grief A feeling of profound sadness and loss. After discovery, the woman experiences stages of grief due to the fact that the world she lived in is essentially gone and replace with something irrecognizable. To fully heal, a traumatized woman must allow herself to grieve. Through her grief, a victim of abuse can find ways to grow. Gut/Intuition Abusers seek to silence the inner voice of their victims, also called the gut, or intuition. The inner voice that warns victims when something isn’t quite right. Listen to that voice: it will tell you when you are in physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual danger. Research has shown that the intuition of women in abusive relationships is almost always correct. Honoring Emotions Women honor their emotions when they recognize, name, and respond to those emotions as they occur. Women in abusive relationships may have a difficult time naming or even expressing emotions due to the type of coercive control they experience. Self-validation is key to successful emotional honoring and mitigating emotional denial. That may lead to a lack of safety. It occurs by recognizing that what we feel is real. And to be willing to learn from the emotion, rather than pushing it down to avoid the pain. We can honor other’s emotions by respecting that our life and emotional and psychological safety are our responsibility. And we need to take action to protect ourselves. Infidelity Behavior or circumstance when a husband is unfaithful, undisclosed sexual behaviors, including pornography use, masturbation, fantasizing, sex with others, and emotional affairs constitute infidelity and are therefore abuse. Lust An intense desire to satisfy physical appetite. A form of infidelity, if directed towards a person outside of an exclusive relationship, such as marriage. Sexual abuse occurs in marriage and committed relationships when the abuser treats his wife like an object to satisfy his sexual desires. Manufactured Emotional Tether As part of the abuse pattern cycle, the abuser comforts his wife after a period of excruciating emotional/psychological/sexual/physical abuse. And the comforting and promises, often including intense sexual “intimacy”, culminate in an emotional tether, trapping the victim. Every time the cycle reoccurs, the manufactured tether gets stronger. While an abuser may claim he feels “close” to his partner, he is deceptively using/misrepresenting the idea of “closeness”. One cannot be “close” or “intimate” with someone they are abusing. The manufactured tether creates a false deceptive relational experience for the victim, entrapping her in the coercive tactics of the abuser. Generally, the manufactured tether cannot be broken without a period of separation. Minimizing Abusers who use emotional abuse, pornography, emotional affairs, sexting, etc, minimize their behaviors by: Lying: denying pornography use when you know he’s using. Justifying: “Guys do pornography all the time, what’s your problem?” Or “it was just pornography, not an actual affai…
Why THIS Is the Best Way to Leave a Narcissist Husband
Jul 26, 2022
Show notes
Leaving a narcissistic husband is a brave and difficult thing to do. It’s not just about ending your marriage—it’s about escaping lies and manipulation. If you’re looking for the best way to leave a narcissist husband, here are 4 important things to know.
How To Leave Your Narcissistic Husband
1. Nothing is Wrong with You—It’s Not Your Fault
The first thing to know is none of this is your fault. A narcissistic husband thrives on making you feel like everything bad happening in the relationship is your fault. He’ll manipulate you into thinking you’re the problem.
However, you’re likely experiencing many of the 19 different types of emotional abuse. So take our free emotional abuse quiz to find out all the ways he emotionally harmed you.
But here’s the truth—no matter what he says, you didn’t cause his behavior, and you’re not responsible for fixing him. His narcissistic behavior is a choice.
Best Way To Leave Narcissist Husband
2. Communication Won’t Help
If you’ve spent countless hours trying to explain your feelings or set boundaries, only to be met with denial, deflection, or outright anger. Then you already know this—talking to a narcissist doesn’t work.
Narcissists don’t try to solve problems or see things from your point of view. Instead, they use conversations to trick you, shift the blame, or make you doubt yourself.
Protect yourself from him exploiting your energy by focusing on creating a life of peace. To learn more about this type of abuse, listen to the #1 Betrayal Trauma Podcast.
https://youtube.com/shorts/XNDt0TDEShg
3. Don’t Get Others Involved Thinking They’ll “Talk Sense” Into Him
Many women think it’s a good idea to ask friends or family to talk to their narcissist husband and try to make him understand. At first, this might seem like a smart plan. However, involving other people can go wrong when dealing with a narcissist.
Here’s why—it’s likely he will try to trick them, just like he tricked you. Narcissists are very good at acting like the “good guy” to others. At the same time, they may try to make you seem unreasonable, too emotional, or even silly.
Trying to get others on your side will leave you feeling even more isolated.
Leaving a narcissist is not as simple as packing a bag and walking out the door. Narcissists will do everything in their power to maintain control over you, even after you leave. That’s why having a clear, thoughtful strategy is critical.
The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop will give you step by step instructions. It will help you see exactly what’s going on, so you can anticipate what he’ll do next. It will also give you thought, communication, and boundary strategies.
Remember, you don’t have to do this alone. There are people and resources ready to help you every step of the way.
You Are Powerful
Leaving a husband who is a narcissist isn’t just about leaving him. It’s about keeping yourself safe, so he can’t hurt you anymore. It’s about building a future where you don’t feel scared all the time.
So take it one step at a time—use the Living Free Strategies to focus on what you can do today. If you’re still unsure how to start, visit Betrayal Trauma Recovery to find a supportive community for women experiencing narcissistic abuse.
Transcript: The Best Way to Leave a Narcissist Husband
Anne: It’s just me today. Many women are searching for the best way to leave a narcissist husband.
Because everyone is different. There are the best strategies to use. And these strategies can be applied in different situations with different women’s personalities, and also the different narcissist personalities. So even though it might not look the same for everyone, there is definitely a best way to leave your narcissist husband, by applying specific strategies.
A Glimpse into the Past
Anne: And I’m going to be vulnerable today and share with you a recording I did years and years ago. Kind of praying into the universe that God would help me. And he definitely came through. It took so much longer than I thought. Everything I’ve developed over the years came straight from him. Certainly, it did not come from therapists, clergy or anyone else.
I have a master’s degree in education. And since this recording, I have interviewed over 300 victims of betrayal trauma. And I started educating women about the patterns I’ve seen through all my interviews. What I know now is the best way to leave a narcissist husband. And my hope is that through my harrowing experience of figuring these things out, I can save you all those years of absolute chaos and pain.
So here is this recording of my voice long ago. I was so terrified of my narcissist husband when I made the recording, so I altered my voice. Especially because I knew my husband is taking advantage of me. I was trying to document what was happening to me and move forward with faith. If you listen to this ancient recording and relate, know that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for you too. Okay, here we go.
Recording of Anne Years Ago
Anne when she was Anon: As a wife, trying to support her husband through addiction. Most of the discussion about this, therapists or others try to help women deal with an addict husband. Like let us help you manage this. Just learning to cope with the fact that your husband is causing you a lot of pain and so much trauma in your life.
Although my husband cheated on me. I didn’t even know what that meant. So I’m working on a solution to this problem. Not knowing what it will look like or where it will lead me. Often I’m in tears, trauma, and so much emotional pain. Sometimes I pray and pray and pray and pray and still feel I’m getting nowhere. The trauma is too intense and I don’t know how to get my husband out. In that place of brokenness, I’m just hoping God will help me.
In fact, I’m crying and desperate, hopeless. But I know that God’s working in my life. God has his own way and his own time. And I don’t know how it works. I don’t know how to set boundaries in marriage. he does it. But setting boundaries and focusing on my own recovery has invited God into my life. I can’t learn how to do it unless I’m actually doing it. A lot of pain has brought me to this point and God. God, thank you. I don’t understand how you work, but I know you’re leading me. And God, I hope I never have to go through anything like this again. It was so miserable to dislike my husband.
The Best Way to Leave a Narcissist Husband: Finding Hope & Solutions
Anne: So there’s that recording. Subsequently through trial and error, trying all the things everyone else suggested and having that, not work for me. Then I was inspired by God to discover the Living Free strategies. I used them, they worked. And if nothing else has worked for you. These strategies might be what you’ve been missing. To learn more about the Living Free Strategies, click this link.
Me Too Examples – Jasmine’s Story
Jul 19, 2022
Show notes
The Me Too movement brought many me too examples to light. Women are sharing me too examples from within the walls of their own homes.
The #MeToo movement shined a light on countless instances of abuse and harassment once shrouded in silence. While much of the movement exposed misconduct in workplaces and public spaces, some of the most hidden abuses take place within the walls of women’s homes. For many, the abuser is not a stranger or colleague, but their own husband.
To discover if you’re a victim of your husband’s emotional abuse, take this free emotional abuse quiz.
Understanding Me Too Examples at Home
When the Me Too movement gained momentum, it became a platform for women to share their deeply personal stories. Among these stories, many began detailing the abuse they faced in their marriages—abuse that fits firmly into the scope of #MeToo. These stories highlight the abuse of power and betrayal of trust, themes at the core of the movement.
Jasmine’s Me Too Example
Take, for instance, Jasmine, a woman who bravely stepped forward to share how her husband’s betrayal is one of the me too examples. Jasmine recalls how her husband used manipulation and control to blur the lines of consent in their relationship.
For years, she endured coercion and gaslighting, feeling trapped and isolated without a clear path forward. Sharing her story within the Me Too movement was Jasmine’s first step toward reclaiming her voice.
Her courage not only brought her hope, but it also connected her to a community of women who had experienced similar betrayal. “I found strength in knowing I wasn’t alone,” Jasmine says. “I heard and gained clarity from women’s stories, and needed to recognize what I had endured for years.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4q9MGo_vv8I
Me Too Examples Bring Hope to Victims
One of the most powerful outcomes of the Me Too movement is the hope and healing it offers victims. Sharing stories of abuse—whether in the workplace, public spaces, or at home—helps women break the silence that often perpetuates shame and isolation.
Listening to others and being validated in your pain empowers victims to focus on personal safety and regain control of their lives. Knowing they are not alone can provide the hope needed to take difficult but necessary steps forward.
Me Too Examples Bring Healing
By speaking up about betrayal and relational abuse with safe people, women begin to feel hope.
Movements like #MeToo have allowed women to redefine what abuse looks like, especially in a marital context. Relational abuse within marriage is often brushed aside as “normal” relationship issues. But survivors can now distinguish manipulation, coercion, and betrayal as the serious forms of abuse they are.
Movements Like Me Too Can Inspire Change
Beyond individual healing, the Me Too examples and movement creates necessary dialogue around societal reform. It highlights the gaps in understanding and addressing abuse, particularly when it occurs in intimate relationships. Movements like #MeToo educate other women about what sexual coercion is in any context, even marriage.
Organizations like Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR.ORG) have risen to the occasion, providing tools, workshops, and a supportive community for women navigating #metoo in their own homes.
By enrolling in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop, she took steps toward emotional, psychological, and sexual safety in her own home. She learned how to set boundaries, protect herself, and rebuild her life after betrayal.
For women like Jasmine, finding a supportive community and expert-guided tools is not just healing—it’s life-changing.
What to Do If You’re Experiencing Abuse at Home
If your husband’s behavior leaves you feeling manipulated, controlled, or unsafe, know that you’re not alone—and there are resources available to help.
The Me Too movement has given countless women the courage to say, “Enough is enough.” Whether you’ve experienced harassment at work or abuse within your marriage, your story matters. Sharing it may become the first step in your healing process.
If you’re unsure where to start or feel overwhelmed by your current situation, start your own metoo movement, consider exploring the resources at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. (btr.org)
Transcript: Me Too Examples
Anne: We have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’ll call her Jasmine. She wanted to share just a tiny bit of her story. She’s kind of nervous. So, welcome Jasmine.
Jasmine: Thank you so much for having me. I’m really excited to be here.
Anne: So you noted to me that you were nervous, but wanted to share. Talk to me about your desire to share at this point in your life.
Jasmine: It’s actually been something that I’ve thought about off and on. But honestly, what prompted me to bite the bullet was the expansion of the Me Too movement, just seeing so many women’s stories of men in power betraying them, whether within the family, within acquaintances and friendships at school and work.
I’m seeing more and more often women who deal with violation and betrayed within relationships. And as I heard more and more women’s stories. I started to see that wow, there are a lot of women dealing with the pain and wounds, and have kept it to themselves. And are now feeling emboldened and empowered to share their stories.
Because the focus was on the men a lot, as the Me Too examples and movement was going on exposing these men and power. And it’s great for us to do that, because it needs to be brought to the light. But my heart is for the survivors. And so I was wondering, all of these women walking around wounded, how can I help? Because I have that story dealing with that severe betrayal.
The Importance of a Healing Plan
Anne: Yeah, I’m so grateful that you brought up the Me Too examples and movement. It applies for women who are victims of their loved one’s abuse. It’s so important, because they’re dealing with that type of abuse daily. You talk about having a plan for healing.
Jasmine: Anytime we don’t have a plan, we plan to fail. That’s one of my favorite sayings. And that applies in almost every area of life, whether it’s our exercise regimen, our diet, or whatever goal we’re trying to reach.
If we have a plan, we have a higher likelihood of succeeding in it. Many of us don’t take it as seriously, as we ought to, in the process of healing. After experiencing a wound within the relationship, the acute pain goes away. Because that’s something that we can’t ignore when it’s acute, when it’s something we’re dealing with and struggling with every day. It’s hard to ignore. Sometimes the pain fades a little, and then we feel like we’re healed.
Anne: And creating a plan is harder than it looks. Sometimes my plan was like “eat Cheetos.” I was in so much trauma that I couldn’t think of a plan. It was like, watch Netflix and try to get my bed made. It was so hard, so having a network of support, having someone walk you through that process, is important
Jasmine: Sure, so reviewing is where we actually, even if it’s uncomfortable, look back on what we’ve experienced. I thought about how when we are in grade school, right? For instance, when the teacher would give us a, what we call a review, so she would give us a review to show us what’s important.
Reviewing Past Experiences
Jasmine: What should we take away from this? What is important to commit to memory? What can we learn from the me too examples? And what can we afford to forget or throw away? And so I think that is the same thing. We need to do with our wounds, we have to look at, well what do I need to extract from this experience in my life?
What should I commit to memory so that I can use them for future tests I might encounter in my life? See if we have some things that our abusers or the people who wounded us might have told us over and over. And we’ve begun to believe them. Just kind of going through and extracting what we need to keep and what we can afford to throw away. That process is sometimes uncomfortable, so we might skip over it. But I think it’s important to help us.
I started realizing how much the word value often resonates within the mind and heart of a survivor. Because that is many times what’s attacked the most. Our sense of value of ourselves, worth, stories, even our future, because of what we’ve gone through being wounded.
And I realized that my value was what was most attacked. But what happens to us doesn’t dictate our worth. I started to realize that even though it’s painful. It’s the crushing moments in our lives that actually extract our value. Because it shows us our true worth when we can recover from it. And even become stronger, wiser, and better. Just like an olive, for instance, when it’s crushed, that’s the only way the oil, which is more valuable, can be extracted.
The Long Journey to Healing
Jasmine: It has to be crushed. Sometimes that’s what happens when we’re wounded is we’re crushed, but in our healing process, we can begin to see our true value.
Anne: I’ve seen that with my own healing process, and it’s a long-term deal. It’s not something that we can just think, okay I’ll check these things off my list. And in the next month or two, I’m going to be better. I think the reason why it takes a long time to heal is because it’s the process of growth.
Jasmine: Absolutely, it’s a day by day thing. Many times it takes years to truly heal from the devastating things that we go through. And just that process of every day working towards your healing and being intentional about your recovery. That’s how you win, redeem, and ensure that your pain turns into something purposeful in the future.
Yeah, it’s been a long process. It’s been a journey. It’s about eventually getting to that place where you reclaim your voice. Which happened with the me too examples. And you shout within yourself for a while, but eventually you can begin to shout to others. I’m a survivor, and yes, I’ve been wounded, hurt and betrayed, but honestly, they don’t dictate my value.
Anne: Jasmine, thanks so much for coming on the podcast today.
She married a good guy, or so she thinks. That’s what everyone tells her anyway. So why is her marriage so confusing? Betrayal Trauma Recovery is a weekly podcast featuring interviews and commentary for women whose marriages seem healthy on paper but feel confusing, lonely, or unsafe.
Host Anne Blythe, M.Ed., compassionately interviews survivors and includes trauma-informed analysis to help listeners process what they’re hearing. She also uses her own lived experience as a victim of emotional and psychological abuse to illustrate how deception often keeps women from recognizing emotional and psychological abuse in real time. In fact, the point of the podcast is to educate women about how deception itself IS abuse. More than 200 in-depth interviews help listeners hear the language women use when they’re talking about marriage before they’re able to identify the abuse they’re experiencing.
The show helps women name what is happening, trust their perceptions, and make informed decisions for themselves and their children. Anne is the founder and executive director of BTR.ORG, whose team has supported more than 9,000 clients. BTR offers a survivor-centered alternative to advice that isn’t helpful to a victim of abuse. I’m committed to keeping the podcast free so that all women can learn about how to detect emotional and psychological abuse in real time.
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