Betrayal Trauma Recovery

*/ ?>

Latest Episodes:

The Effects Of Psychological Abuse On A Woman – Christine’s Story Jun 20, 2023

Show notes

Psychological abuse is so insidious victims often cannot identify that they are a victim. If your husband has used psychological abuse to hide his infidelity or other harmful behavior, here’s what you need to know. If you relate, take our free psychological abuse quiz. Psychological Abuse Definition & Symptoms Psychological abuse is a form of emotional and mental harm inflicted that is often so subtle it’s almost impossible to recognize. Tactics of psychological abuse include lying, manipulation, gaslighting to alter a woman’s sense of reality. Victims of psychological abuse may experience: Brain fog Sleep issues Digestive issues Chronic pain Autoimmune disorders Pelvic pain Nightmares Headaches Poor immune function . . . and more. Psychological abuse effects victims in profound ways. Psychological Abuse Takes A Toll On Our Mental Health Victims of psychological abuse in our community have reported mental health symptoms like, Depression Anxiety Apathy Eating disorders Obsessive thoughts Religious scrupulosity Terror Panic attacks Victims of psychological abuse face the societal obstacle of not having any bruises to show how deeply the abuse wounds them.If you’re a victim of psychological abuse, or wonder if you may be a victim of psychological abuse, please attend a BTR.ORG Group Session as soon as possible. You deserve validation and support as you begin your journey to safety. Transcript: The Effects Of Psychological Abuse On A Woman Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’re going to call her Christine. She’s a traveling nurse and mother of five children. Her children range in age from four to 23 years old. She’s been with this husband for seven years. And this is her third marriage. So we will learn about her story today. Welcome. Christine: Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so glad to be here. Anne: We’re happy to have you. You’ve been married three times. Would you describe all three of your marriages as psychologically abusive? Christine: Um, sadly, yes, but I did not know that until going through this current marriage and all the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Resources. I did not realize they were abusive. Anne: For your first two, where you got a divorce, looking back now. Oh, that’s what the cause was, but you didn’t know until Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Christine: That is true. My first one, I was young, and he ended up abandoning us. I always thought I wasn’t enough, you know, to keep him happy and here. And then going through Betrayal Trauma Recovery, I realized, Oh my gosh, he was gaslighting the whole time. Anne: And gaslighting really is the number one indicator of psychological abuse. Christine: Yeah, this is real stuff. So Betrayal Trauma Recovery gave me the freedom to let that go. Second Marriage & Physical Abuse Christine: And then my second marriage, sadly, because I had children from my first marriage, and my second marriage, my husband, became physically abusive to them. So that, of course, I knew that one was abusive. I ended up leaving him and getting a divorce for the safety of my children. So about a year and a half into my relationship with my current husband, it was just a train wreck. I found out the week after I told him I was pregnant with our son, that he watches pornography every day, several times a day. It was just a total train wreck. I was crying and feeling desperate, searching on the internet to find some supportive words or something. And I came across the Betrayal Trauma Recovery listing on the website for gaslighting. It was the first time I heard the term gaslighting. And then it just blossomed from there. Going to BTR.ORG and finding the books, reading through them, and listening to your podcasts. Anne: So you’re familiar with my voice. It’s so horrible how infidelity does so much harm. Christine: Yes, you’ve been my best friend for so many years and you don’t even know. Anne: I’m so happy to hear that and so sorry to hear that at the same time. Impact On Health & Sleep Christine: One of the things I lost through this was the ability to sleep or rest at all. I would go to the doctor, and my blood pressure would be normal on the top, but the bottom number would be so high. And they’re like, your body’s just not relaxing, you know? And so I would listen to your podcast, and I would have to listen to them just to find sleep at night. Because the torment is so deep and so continuous. You never get rest from it, but your voice would bring me to a place where I could actually get some sleep. Anne: Psychological and emotional abuse affects your body so much. Oh, that is such good news. My ex-husband would disagree with you. Well, I’m so glad you’re here to share your story. We’re going to focus today on her third marriage. So her current marriage. Did you recognize his behaviors as psychological abuse at first? Can you talk about how you felt before you found the explicit material? Christine: When I first started seeing red flags, like we would be driving along, and he would make a cat call to some woman on the side of the road. Yeah, it’s one of my most painful memories. It was early on when we were dating, and we were taking my girls to the beach. We were driving by, and this woman bent over, and he yelled some obscenity at her. And I was just shocked. https://youtube.com/shorts/ut2UYnQBl2E I was like frozen. I couldn’t even respond. It was so painful. It would be so hurtful and shocking. I would minimize it and think, Oh, it’s just because he’s been single so long. Yeah, I just totally excused it, but I did not recognize it as psychological abuse until I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Psychological Abuse Includes Rejection & Suspicions Anne: After you were married, did these types of behaviors continue toward you? Did you start seeing other things? Christine: Yes, so sadly, he got to the point where he would start rejecting me intimately. I had been trained growing up in the church that you always provide for your husband. And never give them a chance where they would not have their needs met, and all that stuff. That they teach that I’m realizing now is so wrong. So I made sure I was always there and providing for that. And then he started rejecting me. He would say, Oh, I only need to have it, maybe once every four days, and things like that. And it was like a total change from what I had known. I knew there was something wrong, and I could just feel it in my spirit. Like this isn’t right. And I had a feeling just from hearing sermons in church, like maybe there’s an issue with pornography here. So I started questioning him and questioning him. And finally, after I told him, we’re pregnant, we’re going to have a baby a week after that, he finally admitted to it. Anne: I was just curious as to what denomination taught that you needed to provide for his needs, like that was your job. Christine: Yeah, so you can hear that in many churches. I went to non-denominational churches, Baptist and Methodist, and you’ll hear that message across all three of those for sure. Anne: It’s a misogynistic trope everywhere. And you know what’s interesting? It’s not just religious. Because it’s also in secular places. It’s all over the place. In religious circles, it’s spiritual abuse and psychological abuse. Realizing The Truth About Abuse Anne: And then in non-religious places, like in a secular setting, it’s just plain old psychological abuse trying to coerce women by lying to them. Telling women that men have these needs and they’re like animals, so they have these needs that women need to provide for. Pornography use is adultery. Because if they don’t have these needs met, they’ll have to go somewhere else. Christine: I have learned that this is absolutely not true. And I am not responsible for my husband’s faithfulness. That’s his job, and between him and the Lord. But I did think he had been single for so long it would take time, but then I also thought I was being too sensitive. And I remember praying in the beginning, because many Christian books will tell you, like, your prayer should first be changed, Lord. So I was doing that, I was like, Lord, I don’t know why this is bothering me so badly. Please change me Father. Make me so that I’m not so sensitive, you know, and I prayed this with such fervency. Anne: Your goal to be changed to be not so sensitive, but like all women should be sensitive to that. Christine: Definitely, I’m so glad to find out that what felt wrong is actually wrong. It’s validating. And you know, for the entire year Betrayal Trauma Recovery felt like I was totally surrounded by protectors and advocates, and it gave me the freedom to find my own healing while I had those protectors. Anne: So before you found Betrayal Trauma Recovery, and besides the prayer, did you try anything else to try and establish safety and peace in your home? Failed Attempts To Fix The Marriage Christine: I tried everything. I spent thousands of dollars on new lingerie to try to keep things interesting for him. We also tried every possible church focused program. Most of them, in fact, all of them ended up being very damaging for me. And giving him wrong advice for sure. We also tried regular therapy. We did EMDR, and had psychological testing done. I found out that I had extreme PTSD. I tried everything I could find. Anne: Looking back on that, like trying every single thing you can find, what’s your feeling about that period now? Like all the searching that you were doing. Christine: I heard God’s voice in the beginning tell me that Betrayal Trauma Recovery was the right way to go, but I couldn’t wrap my head around it. And so I was like, Oh, okay, Lord, but let’s try what my insurance will cover. Okay, let’s try what’s free. And looking back, I wish I had skipped all of it because it was further traumatizing and lengthened the process. I’m going through this, coming up seven years now, and my body and my health have suffered so severely. Because of the length of time I sat in this psychological abuse. Anne: So were you aware of Betrayal Trauma Recovery like right from the beginning? But you thought like, hmm, let’s try something else? Christine: For years. So I found you, I think, after being with him a year and a half. And I would listen to all your podcasts. I read every book you recommended. I did Betgrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. Advice To Younger Self About Psychological Abuse Christine: Yes, I did that, and that was very healing. Those groups sessions were absolute lifesavers. I have no doubt that without Betrayal Trauma Recovery, I would not be alive right now. Because my depression and suicidal ideation were so severe during the darkest hours. And BTR was there to pull me out of it, to be my advocate and friend. Anne: If you could go back and talk to your younger self, what are the most important things you’ve learned? And what do you think you’d be like? I have to tell myself this, this is so important. Christine: If it was my younger self, I would tell myself the truth. I don’t know that I would have chosen marriage, to be honest. If I knew the truth, I think I wouldn’t marry. I would have stayed single and focused on my career. It wouldn’t have been something that I chose to participate in. As much as there are many joys, there’s so much possibility for danger. If I could go back to the beginning of this marriage, I would tell myself to run, get out, don’t stay, don’t try to work through it, just run. Do not place my future on my husband. I mean my husband future faking all the time. I’m prepared either way. And I know that I will be okay either way. I know my exit plan. I’ve got a postnuptial and I’m okay. I’m ready either way. Victims don’t go into their love story any different than a non victim. You’re falling in love, and having all these special moments. You guys are connecting. At least you believe you’re connecting, even though the other side is fake connecting and lying. Like, our hearts are still intertwined with them. From Helping Him To Setting Boundaries Christine: This is still our love story, and you cannot imagine the things happening when they happen. It just feels like it’s unfathomable when it happens. Anne: It’s like your baseline is this particular reality, which is he’s a good guy, he loves me and cares about our family. And so wrapping your head around the reality that they don’t care about other people. Because they’re incapable of doing that. They just want what they want, and it’s really hard, right, to wrap your head around. Christine: Yeah, it is. I mean, especially being brought up as a little girl on Disney princess videos. There is no Disney princess video that ends like this. We’re not prepared. Then as humans, we’re prepped for flaws in humanity. You’re marrying an imperfect person. And especially as a believer, you’re going to be like, okay, I’m going to give him grace on this. I’m going to help him through it, because I’m not perfect either. And so I think as believers, we give them extra room. Anne: What are some concepts that you learned at Betrayal Trauma Recovery that have helped you protect yourself the most? Christine: I think for me it was boundaries, and my coach helped me with this one. Because even going through traditional therapy, I just thought, well, I’m just not a person who can have boundaries. I just can’t do it for some reason. But what I learned was that the concept of boundaries outside of Betrayal Trauma Recovery is totally different. So when I got to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, it’s like that little cartoon where Betrayal Trauma Recovery shows like putting boundaries is putting on your, what do you call it? Steel, steel toed boots. https://youtu.be/9aa5bgEY3bY Boundaries & The Living Free Workshop Christine: Yeah, I finally got it once I was in Betrayal Trauma Recovery. And, my coach helped me take it really slow, and she took all the pressure off of it. And she was like, it’s okay boundaries are practice. If you don’t get it right, then you just do it again. Don’t put pressure on yourself, just keep practicing boundaries. Anne: Yeah, and The Bettrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop teaches boundaries in a clear, actionable way. That is completely different than you’ll get anywhere else. And women are like, oh, I finally understand how to protect myself, yeah. Christine: Yeah, that helped me so much. When I got to BTR, I felt liberated, like oh my gosh, I don’t have to have sex if I don’t want to. And I can do that, validating myself and protecting myself, and it was really freeing. Anne: That is wonderful, because I have worked so hard to teach boundaries in a way that is actually doable for victims. And one that will actually protect them, because the other ways just don’t seem to do anything. They don’t seem to protect, and they’re impossible to do. Christine: They end up feeling like false threats. I always start telling myself, okay, how do I put on steel toed boots for this one? It was like my visual that made the boundaries possible for everything Anne: That’s cool Christine, to hear that worked for you and helped. Were there any other concepts that helped you that you felt like, oh Betrayal Trauma Recovery teaches this in such a way that it actually helps? Psychological Abuse Validation & Support From BTR.ORG Christine: Yeah, I think the most powerful thing for me with Betrayal Trauma Recovery was the validation. For other forms of therapy and all the other groups I attended. I would get the message, you’re being too sensitive or that’s a normal guy thing. But when I went to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, I could seriously get the pain validated. It seemed like having someone there who got me, it would give me enough joy, enough to make it through that day. And kind of take away that feeling of, am I crazy? Like I’m crazy in my head. That was so powerful for me. I don’t feel like people understand the depth of the sorrow, pain, and darkne…

Full show notes at the publisher

What is Featurism? 3 Key Ways It Impacts Women In Marriage Jun 13, 2023

Show notes

If you’re a woman trying to make sense of your husband’s behavior or struggling with feelings of worth tied to how you look, understanding what is featurism might bring much-needed clarity. Here are 3 things to know. To know if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 types of abuse, take our free abuse quiz. Featurism, also known as feature-based discrimination, is the practice of valuing and prioritizing certain physical features over others. Featurism is when people think certain looks, like skin color, body shape, or facial features, make someone more important than a person without those features. If your husband is the type to objectify women, he may treat you poorly and tell you it’s because you lack certain physical features. 1. Featurism Affects Women From All Backgrounds But Hits African-American Women The Hardest Featurism is a form of discrimination that judges a person’s value or beauty based on specific physical features. For example, preferences for Eurocentric features, such as straighter hair textures or smaller facial features, over others. Unfortunately, this form of discrimination disproportionately impacts African-American women, tying into an already lengthy history of systemic bias and racism. While featurism explicitly highlights inequity, it also causes harm across all demographics. Any woman, no matter her background, can feel reduced to her physical appearance, and this judgment often feeds into insecurities and self-doubt. When it comes to women in abusive relationships, these insecurities can be manipulated and exploited by their partners. An abusive husband might compare a woman to societal ideals or even other women. Saying things like, “I’m not attracted to you since you gained weight.” Or “I’m not interested in you since you cut your hair.” His goal is to objectify systematically and lower a woman’s confidence. That’s his goal. 2. Featurism Is Used To Exploit Women By Manipulation Abusive men often weaponize featurism to make women feel they have to hustle for love, respect, or even basic decency. The goal? To keep her feeling unworthy, ensuring she over compensates “proves” her worth. Through her domestic labor, emotional availability, or even sex on his terms. This manipulation might sound subtle, but could look like this in real life: He convinces her she needs to look a certain way to “deserve” his affection, leading to excessive dieting, grooming, or even cosmetic procedures. He may say things like, “If you just put in more effort, I’d be more interested in you,” while continuing to withhold love or affection, regardless of her efforts. Over time, this creates a toxic cycle where the woman feels she must constantly do more to measure up, to satisfy someone who will never truly be satisfied. It’s an intentional control strategy designed to exhaust and weaken. You need support If he’s oppressing you by his exploitation. Check out our daily online Group Session schedule. 3. What Is Featurism? Objectifying Women Is A Tactic to Keep Them Oppressed Featurism is a long-standing societal tendency to reduce women to their physical attributes, framing them as objects rather than fully realized individuals. For abusive men, this is an effective way to maintain control. By keeping a woman focused on external validation, he ensures she doesn’t focus on anything that threatens his authority—like her career, self-worth, or independence. If your husband judges your worth based on your appearance alone, it will chip away at your sense of self and keep you stuck in a constant state of trying to “meet expectations.” Featurism doesn’t just affect women married to narcissistic men, it obstructs equality at large. Women’s contributions, intelligence, and potential become overshadowed by their physical appearance, restricting their progress both at home and in the workplace. Featurism is often a hidden tactic within larger patterns of emotional abuse and control. When you recognize how he uses it to manipulate and oppress is a powerful first step toward reclaiming your confidence and freedom. You deserve to feel valued for who you are, not just how you look. To learn how to deal with this type of abuse in a strategic way, enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. Transcript: What Is Featurism? Anne: We’re going to talk about that today with Dr. Jones. Featurism is basically the practice of valuing or prioritizing certain physical features over others. Dr. Natalie Jones is here to talk about some of these issues. She received her Master’s in Clinical Counseling Psychology and her Doctorate in Clinical Psychology. Welcome, Dr. Jones. Natalie: Thanks for having me on. My dissertation study was on African American women. Their parents psychologically abused them while growing up. And I identified certain elements of narcissistic abuse. Some examples would be colorism and featurism. Colorism, goes way back. It’s a comparison to whiteness and how closely a person of color or a black person relates to a person that’s white. That is then translated to be goodness or worthiness. So for example, if I have more white presenting features, such as long straight hair, or I have light colored eyes or light colored skin. Certain people perceive me as a better version of a black person than someone who may be darker skinned or brown skin or doesn’t have those types of features. People called it the paper bag test back in the day. That means Folks would compare their skin color to the paper bag. If you were darker than the paper bag, you were perceived not to be as beautiful or not as worthy. So that’s something specific to people of color. Colorism In Narcissistic Families Natalie: Where there’s this perception of lighter skin or what traditional white features is perceived as being better. I can’t make a broad general statement for every family, because colorism presents differently. In the traditional narcissistic family, you have the child, the golden child can do no wrong. And then you have the child, a scapegoat who Is blamed for everything and all of the family problems . So when you have colorism at play, traditionally speaking, a lighter skinned child, more often than not, is the golden child. So they receive better treatment, more compliments, and people tell them they’re more beautiful. Whereas the scapegoat may be the darker or the brown skinned child. They may be perceived as not as beautiful, put down, degraded more, or comments made about their skin color. And receive just poor treatment. Colorism is not just African American specific, it occurs in other families of color. And other races, ethnicities, and cultures of color. So I don’t want to put that out there that it’s not on a societal level. Colorism is something society grows to accept, and perpetuates. So what you actually see is an internalized racism that’s pushed within cultures. It would be comparison or breaking a person down. Degrading a person based on what their body features are. So, for example, if your nose is bigger, or you are bigger in size, or perhaps have a bigger butt. Those things sort of breaking a person down based on features and degrading them based on features. Texturism was another one. So again, very similar to colorism. Texturism is specifically about the types of hair African American women have. So some hair is perceived to be, again, beautiful or better than other types of hair. What Is Featurism? Abuse Patterns & Societal Trends Natalie: And so again, featurism is going back to qualities that are more white centered, being perceived as the standard of beauty. So if your hair is longer, if your hair is straighter, it’s automatically perceived to be much more beautiful. And the patterns of abuse attacking women and making them ashamed, and just breaking down their self esteem. And also making conditions of love, worthiness, or acceptance based on these types of features. My research showed that typically speaking, you will have much more severe abuse with an intimate partner. Than you did in your family growing up. And this still remains the trend for many women of color today. It’s interesting, because I’m actually seeing it become a trend on TikTok. One of the things I noticed in the research I just talked about with my participants is that their partners did not like women of color. https://youtube.com/shorts/RAn_v3i6AvM So their partners actually preferred other types of women based on standards of beauty, which is what they’re told. But their partners, they did not like women of color, and I think they did not like women in general. Maybe think about someone who’s misogynistic. So a misogynist does not like women, right? So even though they may partner with someone, they tear everything down about that person. Or they tear everything down about that culture of that person. So part of it is just breaking down that person’s being. They could say, oh, women, they’re too angry, too assertive, too headstrong, and can’t be controlled by their man. They need to be more submissive, thinner, have better hair or better presenting features to look like this. Red Flags In Relationships Natalie: Even though they’re together and that person may have sex with you. They’re basically telling you daily that they hate everything about you, and they’re breaking that part of you down. It’s the same as a typical narcissist, right? But if you are ever dating someone, that is making statements about a race, that’s featurism. Especially their own race, and how they hate everything about it. For me, that is a huge red flag. If a woman is dating a black man, and he says, I hate black women, or I don’t identify with those people. That is a red flag, because he has a mother. He may have an aunt, grandmother or sister. Anne: Yeah, that’s problematic. So I’m white and I have a lot of white friends. Natalie: Yeah. Anne: That same thing happens, but it’s generally not related to race, but it’s you’re not skinny enough, you’re too outspoken. This is why I created my betrayal meditations. Do you feel like that’s an extra burden for women of color to carry? Natalie: Absolutely. Anne: Because at least for all the white victims I’ve talked with, no one’s ever brought up race in relation to it. So, they’re adding an extra burden of race. Natalie: Absolutely, most victims of abuse will spend a lot of time trying to change and mold themselves into someone worthy, because that’s what abuse does. And if you take a step back and look at it, not only from a micro level, meaning like just your family and people around you. It’s a bigger issue, because it’s also on a systemic and societal level. Traditionally speaking, there is a sense of oppression, and there is that sort of unspoken message that whiteness is better. Systemic Oppression & Societal Messages Natalie: Although, it becomes a sense of privilege when people can’t see that. Because that’s never been something they’ve ever had to worry about. Even just taking a look through your high end fashion magazines, what are you going to see? It’s on reality television. Those messages that you see. Absolutely. It’s something that women of color experience daily. One of the things to remember is that society also backs that message up. Which also makes it much more difficult to overcome those types of oppression. Anne: For all my wonderful black friends listening, let’s say like if you’ve listened to this podcast for a long time. You’ve heard women from all different races, religions, and areas of the planet. All of us are experiencing narcissistic abuse in ways that we’re not enough or too much. What is featurism? We’re all learning how to recognize victim blaming. One of those things, we’re, we’re never just right. And so knowing that you have an extra layer of burden. Also know that they’re not going to be happy with anything. So even if he dated a woman, he deemed “perfect.” He said she had the perfect nose. And she had the type of skin color he said was attractive. He’d still be undermining her in so many ways, and he might be attacking the way she looks. He might be undermining her. There is no way to win. Because it’s not about anything else other than him maintaining power over and trying to put her down in any way he can. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we do not diagnose anyone. I created BTR for women victims of emotional and psychological abuse and sexual coercion. Sexual coercion is usually in the form of someone using pornography and not informing their wife about it What Is Featurism? Focus On Victim Safety Anne: And then she’s not able to give consent. As women victims come to us for help, we don’t diagnose their abusers. Because many victims come in and read something on the internet. And they’re like, oh, he’s a narcissist. And sure, he’s definitely acting like a narcissist. Or he’s got an addiction. And yes, he’s meeting the criteria for that. But instead of focusing on what’s causing these types of abusive behaviors, we focus on victim safety. Are you emotionally, psychologically, and sexually safe? Natalie: Yeah. I mean, what do you need a diagnosis for? Like figure it out for what? Like logically and rationally, what do I need that for? What is that going to get me? Usually when I encounter someone with that question, or that train of thought, that is still someone operating in survival mode. Every day that you’re being abused, or brutalized, or with someone taking advantage of you, you’re surviving. Although you may not feel like it, you still are surviving. That is that mentality. Someone who’s oppressed has that mentality. It’s like, what can I do to fix this situation? Because someone who is abused is always told it’s their fault. And they need to fix something, right. That is the mindset when someone’s abused, that you need to fix someone else. Or if you have some answers, you can fix this person, or this person can get some help, or this and that and the other. Having your own autonomy is you figuring out what’s going on with you and what you need in this moment. There’s nothing wrong with this man cognitively. So there’s no reason that cognitively they can’t get their own help. Empowerment & Realization Natalie: If they want to, they will. So I would encourage you to think about what do you need? What is happening to me? Honestly, if you pay attention to yourselves. You can say, this person isn’t treating me well, this person is putting me down. And other people may help this person abuse me, put me down, or silence me. And that’s the information I need, that I don’t feel good about what’s happening here. They are hurting me, and I don’t like that. And I think that is a much more empowering way to realize what’s going on and take care of yourselves. But when you ask questions like, is my partner a narcissist or is narcissism a mental illness, or what can I do to help them? You are typically looking at ways to help that person and not help yourself. That’s the whole premise of abuse being told you’re the problem. And so you need to fix it. An abusive person is constantly projecting the blame on you. And telling you that you need to do X, Y, and Z to be good enough or worthy enough. Or for them to even consider loving you, right? And then they always change the goalposts. So again, that survivalistic thinking. That’s what you are conditioned to do. Because that’s all hammered into you. Whether it’s academics, like your grades need to be good enough, it’s you need to look pretty enough. Or maybe you need to cook everything, clean everything, bend over backwards every day, and it’s still not good enough. And that’s why I always encourage people to look at the factual information and write it down on paper. Focus On The Facts Natalie: Like what are the facts? Not what can I fix, what it should look like, or what do I want it to be like? Anne: Or even what is he saying, because he’s gonna be saying stuff. Natalie: Right. Anne: Don’t even wr…

Full show notes at the publisher

Is Marriage Meant To Be Hard? Why Healthy Marriage Is Easy – Elizabeth’s Story Jun 06, 2023

Show notes

Is crying yourself to sleep almost every night normal? Is marriage meant to be hard? We’ll get to the answer. And in the meantime, consider that you may be experiencing emotional abuse. To find out, take ourfree emotional abuse quiz. The Myth That Marriage Is Meant To Be Hard Enables Abuse The old “marriage is hard” trope enables abusers. When clergy, family, therapists, and others advise women struggling in abusive situations, they answer the question, “Is marriage meant to be hard?”” By saying that all marriages are difficult, all men demand sex, and all women are enduring some level of misery. Victims may feel they aren’t justified to seek safety. The truth? Healthy marriages are a safe space from the pain, fatigue, and trauma of life. Healthy marriages do not cause pain, fatigue, and trauma. https://youtu.be/_Ct_-FuCnYo So What’s “Normal” Marriage Meant To Be Like? Many women fear that abuse has altered their perception of “normal” and “healthy.” Answering the question “Is marriage meant to be hard?” with a yes prevents them from recognizing a healthy relationship. This list may help you if you are having trouble identifying abusive behaviors in your relationships: Gaslighting is abuse Yelling is abuse Punching walls, hitting objects, and slamming doors is abuse Hurting or threatening pets is abuse Coercing you into sex is abuse Having sex with you when you’re sleeping, using painkillers, or feeling sick is abuse Giving you an STD is abuse Humiliating you is abuse Having sex with you without your informed consent (including about his pornography use or other sexual behaviors) is abuse Shaming you by using scriptures, talks, or other religious materials is abuse Lying to other people about you is abuse This list is not exhaustive, but may help identify covert abuse in your relationship. Is Your Marriage Harder Than It Should Be? At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we know that the first instinct women usually experience is a desire to point it out to the abuser, and try to elicit him to change. We also know that this doesn’t work and puts the victim in more danger – emotionally, sexually, and physically. We’re here for you. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions are specifically created for women who need a safe space to process trauma, ask questions, and find a community of women in similar situations. You’re not alone. Transcript: Is Marriage Meant To Be Hard? Anne: I have a member of our community, Elizabeth, on today’s episode. She’s a wife and mom, and survivor of a 14 year abusive marriage. She’s a writer working in the advertising industry. Outside of her career, Elizabeth works as a grant writer for Human Trafficking Restoration House, and as a leader for her church youth group. She enjoys working out, being outside, and caring for her energetic German shepherd. Welcome Elizabeth. Elizabeth: Anne, thank you so much for having me. Anne: Elizabeth talked about how this is an opportunity to process her experience in story form. Before we started recording. I’m excited to be part of that process with her, and hopefully this will be a good experience as she shares. Is this one of the first times you’ve publicly shared your story, Elizabeth? Elizabeth: Yes. It’s the first time. There are very few people in my life with whom I’ve shared the full experience. Anne: Let’s start at the very beginning. Elizabeth: My parents were part of an arranged marriage through the Unification Church cult. They married in Madison Square Garden with a bunch of other people. They had five kids. I’m the second oldest. I have two brothers and two sisters. Growing up, it was just a lot of chaos. I didn’t know, is marriage meant to be hard? My parents were not in a good space emotionally or mentally. They both had rough upbringings. Struggles With Mental & Physical Abuse Elizabeth: My mom was overtly mentally ill and also had a lot of physical problems. Is marriage meant to be hard? Mom’s illness caused many conversations about, “what’s Mom’s mood today?” We always watched what she was feeling, because if things were not going well for her, that meant bad things for us. There was a lot of mental and physical abuse in that situation. Our parents left us alone a lot. We banded together and worked together to survive. My dad worked on Capitol Hill in the eighties. He would commute into Washington, DC and leave us out in West Virginia in the panhandle country, in the side of a mountain with my mom who was homeschooling us. So we didn’t have much contact with the outside world, other than play groups sometimes. I always had this sense that there were these other families that were normal. I looked at other families. It always seemed like we were so different. Their mom seemed to care for their kids and would actually do things for their kids, but we were always doing things for ourselves. We would go to a play group, and my older sister and I would pack the lunches, just simple things like that. My job was to serve my mom coffee in bed. Thankfully, there wasn’t much involvement with the Unification Church. When we lived in West Virginia, we went to an evangelical church, and that was a refuge for me. I remember going to church camp, and I had become a believer at a church event at age seven. I’m Christian and want to follow God.. It always seemed like I was somehow doing something wrong. I felt confused. I could never, ever get my mom’s approval. Moving To The Midwest & Parental Separation Elizabeth: There was a lot of pain, chaos, and confusion. Is marriage meant to be hard? Theirs was. My dad is from the Midwest. Around age 10, we moved to the Midwest, his family was still there, and that was the start of things going downhill. Shortly after we moved out there, my parents separated and my dad left. So that meant we had no buffer between ourselves and our mom. My mom would keep my older sister and I up late and accuse us of awful things. She would make us feel like we were to blame because our dad had left. There was just constant chaos. She would physically abuse us. I remember washing the dishes one day. She came up behind me and smacked me across the head. Because I wasn’t doing it right. That was a big theme. I could never do things exactly the way she wanted them, but she had never taught me how. There was a lot of shame in that I couldn’t ever figure out what my mom wanted. She cut our hair as a punishment one day. One night when we were staying up late, she was really angry at us. She started sawing at her wrists, and that actually happened twice where she tried to commit suicide in front of us. We attended church and participated with the youth group there. My youth pastor one day talked to my dad. We still contacted him. But obviously didn’t live with him. The pastor said, you need to get custody of those kids. My older sister basically shared what was going on. My mom had basically torn a nightgown off of her body. So there was evidence of what had happened. Is Marriage Meant To Be Hard: Custody Battle & Living With Dad Elizabeth: So my dad got custody of us, and we moved in with him, and I was about 11 or 12. So that was something. Anne: Did he get custody relatively easily? Elizabeth: There was a court hearing, and my mom basically was not in a good mental space to fight for us. I don’t remember this well, but my dad says even her attorney said she’d probably go with her dad. I remember my older sister and I were in the judge’s chambers. He told us to go over to the window and wave at our parents. And I didn’t understand why at the time. But I think he was looking at our body language when we were doing that. So I guess that had something to do with it. Anne: Custody by waving. Sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. Elizabeth: I know. Looking back now as an adult, I’m sure there were other things that were going on as far as evidence. But I don’t remember it. My Mom homeschooled us. It wasn’t well done, because there was so much chaos. My mom caused a lot of trauma when she homeschooled us. I remember trying to learn to read the word turtle, and I could not figure it out. She started physically assaulting me, because I couldn’t read this word. Is marriage meant to be hard? It certainly was with my Mom. Another time, I learned fractions, and filled out a pie chart in crayon, but I was writing on a surface that was kind of bumpy. So the other parts I had written in pencil also looked like they were in crayon, because it was bumpy. Transition To Public School Elizabeth: She was mad at me because I had written the whole thing in crayon, so she basically screamed at me and made me go back. So I kind of scratched the crayon off of my pie chart. But when I took it back to her, she said, oh, that was actually okay. I did the rest in crayon. I said, no, it was in pencil, and looks textured or whatever. And she blew it off and didn’t apologize. I felt that I had actually been right all along, but it didn’t matter. So, I attended middle school the last quarter of seventh grade. I lived with my dad, and always wanted to go to public school. It felt cool. I realize now how traumatic that was. Because I had never been around kids like that. They knew all these funny sayings and words that I didn’t know. They said I was slow, because I just didn’t understand what they were saying. It was like they were speaking a different language. I remember at that time this growing need for acceptance. But simultaneously, feeling a lot of shame and rejection. I felt different again than everyone else, and everyone else seemed to have their lives together. Meanwhile, I lived with my dad in this very small house, with my four brothers and sisters going through puberty simultaneously, without any support. My dad seemed overwhelmed with his own problems. High school is a little better. I played soccer and wrote for the newspaper. Looking back, I had friends that were not healthy, they would make fun of me, but I was always trying to win their approval. Meeting Her Future Husband Elizabeth: I had this sort of mentality that my childhood wasn’t that bad. Obviously, I was fine. It was a long time ago. I’d moved on and tried to do my best, and obviously was okay. So all through high school, I wanted a boyfriend that seemed like the ultimate symbol of acceptance. And unfortunately, I was awkward and out there, and it didn’t seem like there was a lot of interest from other people in me that way. So I would say I was definitely desperate for attention. I graduated high school, and I was going to go to journalism school and be a writer. The summer after my graduation, I met a boy I’d known in the past through church. He was a friend of a friend who would sometimes come to church. He was different and sort of grown up, and we started hanging out. And a month later, we were dating. I finally had a boyfriend, someone who actually liked me. And to make things even better, his family was still together. His parents were together. It seemed like theirs wasn’t. His Mom worked at a church. She spent time involved in their lives. So I would come home from college and stay with them over the weekend, and she would do my laundry. I had been doing my own laundry since I was 13. When I lived with my mom, she threatened not to let me use the washing machine and hang my clothes outside. The fact that his mom helped was something spectacular for me. You know, talk about red flags. Early Relationship Dynamics Elizabeth: The first time I met his mom, she was in his room changing his sheets. He was 17. We all went downstairs and there were a bunch of us friends, and he was like snapping at her to get out of his room. And I felt impressed. Or like, you know, I didn’t think you should talk to your parents like that. But I felt impressed that he could do that. And she accepted that without causing a huge blow up. Because I definitely could never have that attitude with my mom. Unless I wanted a smack in the face. Anne: So, to you, did it signal a good relationship, kind of? Elizabeth: Yeah, yeah. Anne: Due to your experience. Elizabeth: Yes, that seemed like something accepting. Like they could actually, I don’t know, go back and forth instead of escalating into this awful scene. So yeah, you’re right. For all I knew, it was a healthy way of interacting. I was a freshman. He was in the delayed entry program to join the Army. And we grew really close, really fast. And unfortunately, intimacy escalated, that was way too premature. Here I am a Christian having it with my boyfriend, feeling wrought with guilt because I knew better. And I wanted to do what God asked me. But I also felt like it happened, so now I can’t stop, and that was also the message I was getting from him. We started, and basically married now, so we can’t stop. Anne: So this is what he told you. This is marital coercion. Elizabeth: Right. Anne: You didn’t know at the time it was coercion. Elizabeth: Yes. Coercion & Manipulation Anne: For victims of coercion, you think you’re consenting, that was the purpose of the manipulation. Elizabeth: That’s an example of it not exactly sounding right, but entering into his world and his logic. Which would end up being a long-term problem. Like, we lived in our own world. People just didn’t understand us. He always had an explanation for why he did things or why we should do certain things. That sort of made sense. And I wanted him to like me. And I liked him. I was again desperate. So all those combined contributed to basically me putting aside whatever reservations I had. And going along with what he wanted, because another underlying issue here was a lack of close support. So my dad at this time had remarried, and I obviously had three younger siblings, and they were still living at home. There was just this sense that. I bothered them because they remarried. They were dealing with my younger siblings, they didn’t want to take care of me. They didn’t have the capacity to offer that kind of support. I wanted to get out of the way. So I would come home and stay with my boyfriend’s family. And maybe go over there, but they didn’t seem interested in my life. In the meantime, I was getting very much ingrained with his family. I remember one time saying, I’m not okay with us being intimate anymore. I want to stop. And he basically said to me, show me in the Bible where it says that. I wanted to flip through my Bible and find a verse, but I didn’t know where to look or how to interpret that. So I just didn’t know what to do. I Didn’t Have The Ability To Say No Elizabeth: And without someone saying, it’s okay if you want to stop. I just didn’t have the ability to say no. Anne: What you didn’t have is understanding. You were gaslit by society, maybe by their church and your abuser. So when you’re in that fog of abuse, you don’t have the ability, but only because you don’t have the knowledge. Once you receive education about it. It’s like I can take a step toward that. But I just don’t want victims to blame themselves. It’s the opposite. It wasn’t your fault. Elizabeth: I just didn’t know better. Anne: Like, there’s nothing you could have done at the time, because you don’t know what you don’t know. When you don’t know what you don’t know, there’s no way to get out of that. Elizabeth: Exactly. And when I finally did, and I don’t want to jump ahead, but when I finally did, I couldn’t go back. Anne: Right, we’ll get to that soon. Elizabeth: Yes, my freshman year was at a big university. I wasn’t involved, I would go to classes, but come back so I could talk to him. I felt obsessed with my boyfriend. He would come down at every opportunity. And occasionally we would get into fights. Like one time he told his younger brother when I was at their house to come at me with his bath mat that the dog had peed on. And I was so mad I took out my anger on his younger brother. Because I had a younger brother about that age. He was egging his brother on, and now I’m…

Full show notes at the publisher

Emotional Abuse and Infidelity: The Link No One Sees May 30, 2023

Show notes

Did you know that emotional abuse and infidelity always happen together? If your husband has been unfaithful, take this free emotional abuse quiz to see if you’re experiencing any of the 19 types of emotional abuse that occurs with infidelity. Betrayal Is Abuse Because It Involves All These Psychological Abuse Tactics 1. Lying He lies to hide infidelity, secret spending, or pornography use. Betrayal never happens without lying. Hiding things like watching pornography, having secret relationships, or not being honest about money are forms of abuse. This kind of lying is meant to control the situation and stop the victim from making choices to keep herself safe. 2. Gaslighting He makes his wife question her own feelings, memories, and what she sees. He tells her she’s remembering things wrong or that she’s just overreacting, even when something is clearly wrong. Abusers tell lies or create a fake version of what’s real to stay in control. This makes victims feel confused because their gut tells them one thing, but the abuser’s words or actions say something different. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpwEpb2khco 3. Breaking Down Confidence Abusers slowly hurt a person’s self-esteem over time. They might do this by always criticizing them, making mean jokes about them, or ignoring their feelings. Want to learn more about the 19 types of emotional abuse? Take this free emotional abuse quiz. Why Infidelity is Abusive Betrayal isn’t just about broken trust—it affects how victims see themselves and the world. When an abuser manipulates or lies, it interferes with the victim’s ability to trust their own instincts. Over time, this puts her in more and more danger. How to Spot Abusive Betrayal Here are signs that betrayal is abuse: Blaming you for their wrongdoings (e.g., “It’s your fault I did this”) Hiding or denying harmful actions. Criticizing or minimizing your emotions when you bring up concerns. Using religious or cultural systems to justify harmful behavior. Healing From Betrayal Healing from betrayal takes time, but here are steps you can take: Acknowledge the Abuse: Learn more about this type of abuse by listening to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Betrayal Recovery Podcast Get the Right Support: Join our online betrayal trauma support group. Learn Safety Strategies To Protect Yourself: Enroll in The Clarity After Betrayal Workshop to discover if your husband is emotionally abusive and learn emotional safety strategies to protect yourself. Remember, you deserve respect and honesty, always. Why Infidelity is Emotionally Abusive If he’s unfaithful, he’ll subtly pretend like he’s not the type to be unfaithful, which is emotional abuse. If he’s cheated on you, but he’s said anything like the statements below, he’s emotionally abusive: Showing immense (false) compassion for women who have been cheated on Showing immense (false) compassion for men who have cheated on their wives, offering spiritual, religious, or emotional support to them and offering to be his “good husband” mentor or supporting the guy on his “journey to change” Bearing testimony or other public forms of admission of their prior life as a cheater (even if it was last week); Enrolling in or starting a program to help unfaithful men change (becoming a life coach, abuse coach, new-age coach, fitness coach, counselor, therapist, 12-step sponsor, religious leader, becoming active or more active in church communities, yoga guru, cult leader, social media influencer, or self-published author) Insisting that others do not label them as previous or currently “abusive”, but rather someone who used to be a sinner or some other euphemism, even though he’s still lying and manipulating everyone around him If they’re unable to find success, they often claim it’s because they are victims. Those who ruined their reputations thwart them. Perhaps their faith community excommunicated them or they lost credibility in their community due to an arrest. Emotional Abuse and Infidelity May Sound Like This Be warned: If he says, “Don’t worry, if you choose to divorce, I understand. I’ll always take care of you and make sure you and the kids are provided for no matter what you decide,” there is a HIGH probability he’s grooming you. Abusers use this line to find out if the victim is seeking a divorce. They know it’s in your best interest to keep your decisions private until you’re ready to take action. This is one reason why you should prepare for divorce. If he says these words, hear what he’s ACTUALLY saying, “I’m manipulating you to stay. Or so I can know what moves your going to make first, so I can railroad you in divorce.” We know the shock and pain of realizing he’s not actually changing, but just manipulating you into believing he’s changing – by playing up his public images and making promises he doesn’t intend to keep. Transcript: Emotional Abuse and Infidelity Anne: So it’s going to be me today on the podcast talking about emotional abuse and infidelity. I had an abuser contact me and say he liked the podcast. He has some questions, and he wanted to come on the podcast to talk to me about it. And I was like, Hmm, I’m not going to have you on the podcast. Let me see if I can address these questions and also the entitlements behind them. His first question is, if every man says I used to look at pornography, but I no longer do, is lying. What I hear is that Anne does not want any men in recovery to discuss it, which leads me to the challenge of withholding the truth, which is what I was doing and no longer want to do anymore. I don’t understand what he’s saying here. Anne does not want any men in recovery to discuss it. I don’t remember saying that. If I did, it was taken out of context. And then he goes on to say, Or why should any man even try to stop because there is no hope? And once an abuser, always forever will be an abuser, a lying pornography user. In other words, as a listener, an abuser trying to work recovery, I am receiving a mixed signal. So do I think a man should discuss it? Yes or no? What I’m concerned about is grooming with a goal. So I hope abusers do not listen to this podcast. First of all, it’s not for them. It’s to keep women safe. And I don’t want to give abusers a checklist of things to do to appear safe when they are not. Observing Actions Over Words Anne: The thing that concerns me is any talk. Whether it’s about what they used to do or what they’re working on not doing now, as grooming. I am not opposed to honesty. But what is the intent of the honesty? Is it a fake sort of vulnerable honesty to give the victim the impression that he’s honest? He told me these certain things. Not realizing that there are many other things that he’s keeping secret when he uses emotional abuse to cover up infidelity. The whole thing is problematic. I do think abusers can change, but the question for victims of abuse is. Are they safe currently? Is this grooming or is this current safe behavior? If it’s not safe behavior, then we need to distance ourselves, set boundaries, take a step back and observe from a safe distance. We cover all this in my Clarity After Betrayal Workshop. We have a section about abuser questions and how to see the questions for what they really are. Because words just don’t matter so much. We need to watch actions. So the best thing for victims to do, I think, is not to ask the abuser, are you in recovery? What are you doing? But just make boundaries for her safety. And from a safe distance, observe what types of actions does he take to ensure her safety? For example, if she says, Hey, I feel unsafe. I would feel safer if you moved out of the house. So he moves out of the house. Does he shut down her bank account? That would be a sign that he’s unsafe. Or is he making sure she has enough money for food, housing, all the things she needs? Watch the actions. Listener’s Second Question Anne: Here’s the second question. He says that on one of the episodes. That a guest said, or words to the effect that men in recovery like to talk about themselves. And when they talk about their recovery, or where they are in recovery, they have not changed. And they should not talk about it. I am not saying these men should not talk about it. I say it doesn’t matter if you do. That’s all. You can talk about it all you want, but women don’t listen to their words. Watch their actions. Whether he wants to talk about recovery is up to him. I’m not saying whether he should talk about it or not. Because abusers frequently use words for grooming. I’m telling victims, don’t put too much stake in any of his words, regardless of what they say. Let’s say he says, “I hate you. I’ve always hated you. You’re unattractive. You’re the worst.” That’s also something to just dismiss, because he says that on purpose to harm you, there’s always a goal. He says, “Cannot I be excited about all I have learned and share it to try and pass the word and teach others before they end up like me, or worse?” Go ahead. What is the goal? Is it to manage your image? Is it because you’re excited? Are you genuinely changed? Take some time, observe your own behaviors. And again, this podcast isn’t for abusers. It’s for abuse victims, but that sounds dangerous to me. What are they doing that for? Were they caught? And they’re trying to tell everyone, you know, how amazing they are. He says, I also think of it as accepting Jesus and wanting to tell the world what I did. Emotional Abuse And Infidelity: Spiritual Abuse & Genuine Change Anne: Most victims have heard, don’t you believe in Jesus, don’t you believe in the atonement? It just is spiritual abuse, if an abuser believes in Jesus and accepts him, great, his behavior should change. The interesting thing about these questions is that he’s not even mentioned, doing, which is what concerns us as victims, right? That’s what we want to see. He says, “I’m so excited about learning that I was an abuser, and I want everyone to know what I’ve learned.” And then he says something interesting, “I honestly do not care if it’s brainwashing.” As if what, women are brainwashing him to think he’s an abuser? So there is this element that like, maybe it’s not true, but I’m going to do it. Because then he goes on to say, if it works and changes me to no longer abuse or rape my wife. To be completely open and honest, living authentically in all areas of my life. And being an example to my, and it goes on and on about John one and how to correctly love and treat my wife. And to me, it’s all talk. That’s what concerns me about these questions. Less talking and more doing from abusers is what victims need to see. This also concerns me, because he says after one of the podcasts that discussed planning for divorce secretly, because they do not know how the man will react. This is why women should prepare for divorce carefully. Yes, that’s what all domestic abuse advocates and experts recommend, right? You need to plan ahead when you face emotional abuse and infidelity. Planning For Divorce & Respecting Boundaries Anne: And then he says, so I asked if my wife or ex-wife, he doesn’t say if they’re in divorce proceedings or what, would let me call her. If she doesn’t want you to call her, then don’t ask her if you can call her. That’s not respectful. If she says please don’t call me, and then you say, “Can I call you?” And you think, I’m respectful because she said not to call her, and I’m just going to ask her. No, this is a very gaslighting quote, and this is one that I hear abusers say a lot that are not changed. And he says this, and I’m just going to read it. He says, “At this point, I made the hardest decision against my wants and desires. And let her know that her feeling safe should she decide to divorce me is important to me.” “And I did not want her worried about how I would react.” Basically, he wants to say, look, I want to find out if she wants to divorce me. I’m afraid she’s going to surprise me, so I’m going to try to intervene here and manipulate her into telling me when she probably shouldn’t be telling me, whether or not couples should stay together after infidelity. I’m worried this guy is listening to my podcast to weaponize it against his wife or soon to be ex-wife. That’s my main concern, that this guy’s weaponizing it. And if he’s still listening, please stop. Don’t listen to my podcast anymore. If you have changed, stop listening to the podcast to weaponize and bear up your reputation. It’s scary. Manipulation & Weaponizing Information Anne: Then on his own abuse, he says, it breaks my heart that men continue to abuse as I had done, but in very nasty ways. And goes on to say a bunch of stuff that I’m thinking he does. The reason why I did not want him to come on the podcast. Is because I’m worried he would use the podcast. And try to act like he’s so changed, through his words, to manipulate his wife into staying with him. When she does not want to, to continue his emotional abuse. Because I’m not able to observe his actions or talk to his wife or ex-wife. These types of messages I get are problematic. So I just wanted to share with you that those are some of the things I receive from abusers. And I don’t want to give them air time to further manipulate. Here’s another one from a wife whose husband was totally into Betrayal Trauma Recovery saying he was, and he was like, hey, I’m completely into BTR. It’s amazing, I’ve listened to it. it’s changed me. And then his wife said, be forewarned. My husband or ex, I’m not sure, has gone completely off the rails. He’s now actively calling men he recommended Betrayal Trauma Recovery to. And telling them how incredibly horrible and damaging it is. It’s interesting because he was trying to groom his wife and be like, I listen to Betrayal Trauma Recovery. It’s amazing. And he had a goal in mind. When that goal did not work, I don’t know exactly what the goal was. But like maybe to move back in or maybe for his wife to talk to him again when it didn’t work. Emotional Abuse And Infidelity: Abusers’ Control Tactics Anne: Instead of staying the course and saying, okay, yeah, Betrayal Trauma Recovery is fine, I’m sad. She didn’t want to let me back in, but that’s her prerogative. He decided then to be like, nevermind, BTR is bad. And call everyone and say, you know, that thing I told everyone was amazing. It’s actually bad. Who knows if he actually did that? That’s another question I had. He says he called everyone and told them how Betrayal Trauma Recovery is great. But my guess is he called one or two people. And now he’s calling them back and telling them it’s bad. Apparently, Betrayal Trauma Recovery teaches men that they just have to lie down and take any and all abuse from their crazy wives simply because they made a little mistake. This is a very classic abuser move that they might a husband might be grooming his wife. for a minute to see if they can get back in the house or have the goal they want. And then they don’t want to give up their entitlements. They don’t want to give up their exploitative privilege at this point. So once they’re faced with what they would have to give up to stop abusing, wait a minute. I can’t even call her to ask if she wants to talk to me. Even though she’s already told me she doesn’t want to talk to me. Wait a minute. I can’t move back in the house? Wait a minute. I’m not going to talk to her every day to manipulate her and convince her of my point of view. The wife gets concerned. So she reached out and said, I have no idea if he’d be bold enough to make a public statement against Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Understanding Abusers’ Perspective Anne: But just so you know, he’s actively trying to turn men against you. And now he’s saying everything is the wife’s fault, because these men just have to lie down and we complain they’re not flat enough. Abusers want control. So they want power over. When things are equal, when the truth is laid bare. You obs…

Full show notes at the publisher

Do Good Men Exist? Truths Every Single Woman Will Appreciate May 23, 2023

Show notes

If you’re thinking about divorce or recently divorced, you may wonder, “Do good men exist?” Here’s what to consider if you’re worried about being single. To learn more about emotional abuse, before you consider dating again, take our free emotional abuse test. Transcript: Do Good Men Exist? Anne: I’m more than excited to have my friend Gretchen Baskerville on today’s episode. She’s a Christian living in the Los Angeles area. She’s been doing Christian divorce recovery ministry in churches since 1998. She hears many, many heartbreaking stories of betrayal and abuse, as you can imagine. We’re talking about do good men exist. And from her experience, she’s found that many Christian women married serial cheaters. Or men who are cheating or physically or emotionally abusive. These women tend to try to fix their marriage. They pray, they forgive, they go to counseling. One of the reasons is because they want to be married they are wondering if any good men even exist. They think I better make it work with this guy. They’re terrified to be single. Because I don’t want to be single, and it’s going to be too hard for me to find a good man. At the end, we’re going to address the question, do good men exist? And we’re going to start by talking about a different way to reframe being single. Welcome Gretchen. Gretchen: It’s so great to be with you again, Anne. Anne: Lately, when people say God hates divorce, or when I hear that statement, I think of you. And then I say, God loves divorce. And I just come back at them with that and say, what are you talking about? God loves divorce because he loves me. And it set me free. Divorce delivered me from wickedness. It delivered me from abuse. And I’m grateful to be divorced, and actually proud of it. Gretchen: You just said how happy you were to be divorced. The Hard Decision Of Divorce & Myths Gretchen: And I truly look back now, 25 years later and say, divorce is the hardest decision I ever made. But it was also one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. And because we as Christians, as people of devout faith, we take marriage very, very seriously. We don’t believe in I’m bored divorces or I miss the party life divorces. We hang in there. And we hang in there oftentimes longer than is good for us and for our children. As a devout person of faith. I am against frivolous divorce, but I am 100% in favor of life saving divorces because it saves the life of parents and children. So let’s jump into those myths. I think the first myth, especially as a person of faith, at least in my upbringing, was you’re really nothing without a husband. After going through trauma you may wonder, do good men exist? You don’t have an identity without a man. For those biblically oriented, I would say there are plenty of women who are heroines in their own right in the Bible. So, for example, Ruth is already a heroine before meeting Boaz. Deborah, Abigail, Dorcas, look at the midwives in the story of Moses’ birth. I mean, they were amazing. They stood against the great pharaoh of Egypt. As I came through this, and of course the first two years of divorce, my life was just topsy turvy. I just didn’t know which way was up. I was really numb for the first six months. And I started reading single women’s missionary biographies. I know that sounds crazy, I’m sure you’ve got some on your reading list. Societal Pressures & Misconceptions Gretchen: They were so inspiring to me, because here are these women who go to some foreign country and are virtually alone. They have very little support, and because they’re not married, they don’t fit into any society. And yet they do amazing things. I soaked myself in these kinds of stories. I realized, God called plenty of women to do great things. And God didn’t call us to stay in these marriages to enable sin, cover up sin, pretend sin didn’t exist, what you call wickedness. He didn’t call us to bring up our children in a wicked home. My first myth is that you’re nothing without a husband. I think it’s just false, because the Lord uses people wherever they are. and he empowers and strengthens. He didn’t put us on this planet to cover up sin. Anne: I did not marry until I turned 30, almost 31. I’ve only been married once, and I remember vividly right after high school, I worked at a video store. A woman from my church came in. And she said, Oh, who are you dating? I said, I’m not dating anybody right now. And she said, Oh, I’m so sorry. You don’t have a life. Gretchen: Oh my. Anne: And I remember thinking, I’m going to graduate from college. What are you talking about? That I don’t have a life. I have friends. I have interests. Am I literally nothing to you? Because I don’t have a boyfriend? And that idea that women aren’t anything, if they don’t have someone to define them, is crazy. Women can do amazing things, all by themselves. So let’s look at the second myth. Do Good Men Exist? Build Freindship With The Good People Already In Your Life Gretchen: All right, this one’s embarrassing to me. That women’s friends in your twenties are just placekeepers until you find a man, your soulmate. Women friends aren’t all that valuable. They’re disposable. I’m embarrassed to tell you that in my upbringing, marriage was promoted so much that this is the direction it went. Nobody actually taught this verbally. This was never spoken, always unspoken. Wow, was I wrong! So I got divorced in 1996, and in 1998 at my church, I met in one of the Sunday school classes, a woman who was raising four kids by herself with almost no child support. I had two kids, and I was completely in awe of her. It was difficult for them. They had this old clunker car and a shabby tiny little apartment. But they had love, safety and acceptance, and we got to be best friends. Every Saturday, we would walk down the street together for an hour at the beach. We live near the coast in Los Angeles area. She was an introvert and I was an extrovert. So we just made sure that we each got about 30 minutes to share. Then we prayed for each other at the end of our walk. And together, we started a group for other single mothers in our church. And this small group was absolutely fantastic. We were supporting each other, not worrying about, do good men exist. I have never seen so many strong, courageous women knocking it out of the ballpark every day. We had teachers, a swim coach, a small business owner, a childcare provider, a paralegal, a homeschool mother, a manicurist and a disabled woman. We were all proud survivors, and our own community. If you feel the need for support, join Betrayal Trauma Recovery’s Group Sessions. Closeness Of Caring Gretchen: We were like heroines to each other, and we shared our hope and our experience with one another and prayed for one another. Sometimes we helped each other financially. And when you do that week after week for years, you realize that this is the best group you’ve ever been in. Whether Bible study or church, small group or adult education, it is absolutely so powerful. There was so much emotional closeness and caring, and women would come to our group from other churches. They’d come to our group and cry for the first three weeks. And then they would sense the Lord’s presence, and they would start to feel that hope and faith. There is something special about the dynamic of women friends when there’re no men around. First, there’s no sexuality to motivate you or cover up one another’s slights. https://youtube.com/shorts/lc2hcxe1ZKU We have to put in effort to keep our women friends. We have to learn to behave well. And have to learn to take turns paying for coffee. We have to learn to hold up our end of the friendship.Those are such wonderful, maturing character traits to learn. As you can imagine, when you’ve done that for 15 years with an amazing close cadre of women. When you start dating again, I started comparing all the men to these close girlfriends, I kept wondering if good men even exist. You know, probably like you’ve experienced, most of them couldn’t hold a candle to my girlfriends. I mean, they didn’t have authenticity. They didn’t have integrity. They weren’t as financially responsible as my single mom friends. And so it was pretty easy to identify and ditch the losers, because I had the loving warm community around me. The Impact Of Abusive Relationships On Friendships Gretchen: And I think that’s one of the most powerful things, and this is something that anyone can do in their own church or ward. They can start a group like this. It just becomes wonderful. It’s easiest to start it at the same time other groups are going on at the church. So there’s free childcare, but this becomes an amazing place for fellowship. Anne: And for those introverts out there that are like me, who might not want to like start a group. Because that feels overwhelming, just making one friend to go for a walk or doing something with the friend regularly, can help. Gretchen: um, Anne: And that’s also a good place to start. It feels like when women find our community. Their abusive spouses think like, Oh, they’re a bad influence on you, right? Because they start setting boundaries. They start being more healthy. And start maybe doing more self care, and then the abuser doesn’t have as much control. And so that feels uncomfortable to him, and he tries to undermine it. Abusive men would also likely try to undermine women’s friendships with other women. Gretchen: I mean, in my church, we definitely learned that your marriage relationship would be the be all to end all. Even though it sounds ridiculous to say it out loud right now, that person was your full emotional support. Husbands supposedly supported you spiritually. They were supposed to be everything. If you told a woman today, your sister should be everything to you, the one person in your life, who’s your all in all. You’d go, you’re nuts. Do Good Men Exist? Abuse Of The Marriage & Trust Gretchen: At least in my church, the unspoken message is, if you’re a godly woman and have done your best to be a radiant virgin bride on your wedding day. That you’re going to get this incredible, emotionally intimate, connected spouse. This husband, and you’re going to have a mind blowing love life. Teachers taught this. It’s a form of what I would call prosperity gospel. If you’re good, you’ll get a good man. If you’ve got some secret sin or you’re covering up something, well, then you’re going to get someone bad. But I mean, I don’t know how you could be more of a goody two shoes than I was as a kid. I wasn’t perfect. Obviously nobody’s perfect. But man, I got in trouble for staying up till midnight reading my Bible, okay? I was part of youth groups, youth choir, and everything. And all my friends were Christians. And yet I married someone with serious, serious character issues. I know you talk about those kinds of things all day long, so we won’t go into that. In my case, it wasn’t so much abuse, as it was immorality, covert, chronic, scary and illegal. Anne: Which is, by the way, abuse. Gretchen: Yes, yes it is. Anne: Criminal sexual behavior is abuse, they’re a registered offender and abuser. The emotional abuse, psychological abuse, lying, gaslighting and all that is all occurring. Here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, infidelity is abuse. They’re abusing the relationship. They’re abusing the marriage and your trust. Gretchen: Any kind of betrayal is abuse, emotional abuse. Anne: Yeah. Gratitude For Girlfriends Gretchen: And when you’re always wondering what’s going on with that other person, because they live a completely separate second life, a hidden secret life. Yep. I mean, you never know when the other shoe will drop. I worried, you know, will my name be on the front page of the Los Angeles Times? This is awful stuff. So yeah, it’s definitely abusive. I agree with you. Anne: Yeah, I am so grateful for my girlfriends. Girlfriends that I made in my late twenties when I was single. And are still my best friends today, who have stuck with me. They have been my support and strength. And also, my sister and my mom have been an amazing support system to me. I’m grateful that I had time in my twenties to develop that. So many women, especially women of faith, are married early. And so when they find themselves divorced, they haven’t had that experience of maybe making adult women friends. And so instead of being like, I don’t know how to do that. If we have that growth mindset to say, I have the opportunity to do that now. You’ll find real, true, emotional intimacy. And platonic love with your girlfriends, and it’s really, really amazing. Gretchen: It is really something. My family raised me in a very devout conservative family. I thought divorce was like the worst possible thing that could happen to me. Even though I had valid grounds, it somehow reflected and told the world that I lacked personal maturity or spiritual maturity. So I was pretty eager. The Reality Of Post-Divorce Life Gretchen: Straight out of my divorce, you know, I thought, Oh my goodness. I hope I remarry fast. I wasn’t as far along as you are, Anne. Looking back now. I’ll be vulnerable and honest. If you had told me I would be single for three years, I might not have filed for divorce. If you told me I’d be single for five years. I would curl up on the floor in fetal position, sucking my thumb. And I ended up divorced, a single mom for 20 years. And I’ve got to tell you. The Lord just completely rebuilt my life. He restored the years, the locust ate. It took me a while to get back to my normal level of happiness. And then I went through a lot of court abuse. There was a lot of post separation abuse from my ex-husband. 10 years of my husband dragging me into court over and over, with him wanting joint custody. And me saying, you know, over my dead body. I wanted to build my life on my own and not worry about finding a good man. What I found is that as the Lord carried me through each day, every 24 hours, I was still alive. I did not always get the answers to prayer I wanted. God often answered later than I wanted him to answer. And he didn’t give me the answer I wanted. Looking back, I see that it was what was best for me. It wasn’t what my church had told me was the ideal situation. I can honestly say at year five, I was happier than I had ever been in my life. That’s year five after separation. Do I Need A Good Man: Contentment In Singleness Gretchen: And by year seven, I had completely rebuilt my financial stability. And that felt great. It felt great to store away money for retirement. And feel like, you know what, even if I never remarry, there are many women who don’t ever want to remarry. A survey done a few years back showed that four in 10 were absolutely sure they did not want to remarry. And I found myself getting very, very content, and really even enjoying my singleness, and wondering if I could adjust to the constriction of my friendships, if I ever remarried. Anne: Yeah, I was single. until 31. Then police arrested my ex when I was 37 and my youngest was 11 months old. Gretchen: Oh, wow. Anne: And now I’m 44. So since 20, that’s 24 years, I’ve only been married for seven of those. Singleness is familiar to me, and I enjoy it. But post divorce, the first, two, three, four years are really hard. Even though I was happy to be divorced and proud that I was divorced, and for surviving what I had been through. It was about year five, six, seven that I started to feel like, Oh, this feels good. So I don’t want to misrepresent this. And say like, once you divorce, everything will be amazing immediately. You have to rebuild your life, and it takes time, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And you will be okay whether or not you know, find a good man. Gretchen: The idea that all your problems will disappear, you know, two to three years after your divorce. No, that’s just not going to happen. What I tell people is that you’ll retur…

Full show notes at the publisher

5 Red Flags In A Relationship Every Wife Should See May 16, 2023

Show notes

Are you wondering if there’s something wrong with your husband or boyfriend? Here are 5 silent red flags in a relationship that you need to know. If you relate to this episode, did you know that there are 19 types of emotional abuse? Take our free emotional abuse test to see if you’re experiencing this. 1. Coming On Strong Early On Like most red flags, abusers will often come on very strong early on. In Ayla’s case, her abuser immediately began to love-bomb her with attention, a job offer, flattery, and affection. Abusers may: Tell you they love you Ask you to be in a committed relationship Initiate sex Propose Ask you to meet their family Give you money or ask you for money Divulge “secrets” early on in order to “bond” with you – but later you may find out these were lies 2. Isolating You (It’ll Seem Romantic At First) The second red flag in a relationship is isolation. It may be hard to spot, because it can be camouflaged romantically. Abusers isolate victims by usurping their time. They spend every waking moment with the victim, which can feel romantic. They may condition the victim to feel dependent on them OR tell the victim that they (the abuser) are emotionally dependent on the victim. Abusers often take up so much emotional and physical space. Isolation can extend to a physical move to where the victim doesn’t have any friends or family. 3. Pushing You To Have A Child With Them Interestingly, abusers often request and then push for the victim to bear their child. This is a of the silent red flags in a relationship. Many abusers want their victims to get pregnant, because it’s a way for him to basically control you the rest of your life. If he is talking about having a child with you early on, or after you have expressed hesitation, consider this a red flag. Having a child with someone legally ties you to them until the child is eighteen. This is a sure-fire way for the abuser to have contact with you and a degree of control in your life and the child’s life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvxpK9yloco 4. “You’re Saving Me” (Also Romantic At First) Another silent red flags in a relationship is that the abuser may use phrases like: I didn’t know what I needed until you came along. I felt this void until you were here, now I feel whole. When I’m not with you I feel empty. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life until I met you. I need you. I’m not okay without you. Now that I have you, I’ll be able to be a better man. Ayla’s abuser coupled this “You are my savior” red flag with isolation when he moved their small family to the mountains. 5. Spending Time Studying Resources About How To Abuse Women (Calling You Out, Robert Greene) One scary red flags in a relationship rarely discussed is the insidious and calculated effort that abusers take to learn how to abuse women. Books like The 48 Laws of Power and The Art of Seduction by the psychopathic author Robert Greene literally teach men how to coerce and abuse women. In Ayla’s situation, her abuser studied these books and used the tactics to brainwash and manipulate her. If you relate and need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Transcript: 5 Silent Red Flags In A Relationship Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode, we’re going to call her Ayla. She’s going to be sharing her story. As she shares her story, I’m going to be pointing out 5 silent red flags in a relationship you need to know. Welcome Ayla. Ayla: Thank you so much. It’s an honor to be here and I look forward to talking with you today and the rest of the community. Anne: So let’s start with your story. Did you recognize his abusive behaviors at first? Ayla: At first, no. It was definitely one of those what seemed like a destined type of meeting. It was definitely more like a fairy tale at first. I was working at a ski resort. And he was a tourist with his extravagantly rich friend, who had talked me into joining in a supposed “business opportunity” with a non-profit. They totally stole my heart with that to convince me to quit my job there in the ski resort and then start this non profit. Which after a month or two I realized was a complete scam and setup. Everything was hyperspeed, and that was another thing, now in retrospect, that was a red flag warning that I didn’t understand at the time. Technically, he stalked me. I didn’t put two and two together. I just thought he enjoyed my company. He wanted to help me get into a better financial opportunity with this non-profit that they were promising me. The First Red Flag: Grooming Anne: So that’s the first one of the silent red flags in a relationship, is coming on strong, early on, otherwise known as grooming. Where things happen very, very quickly. Then you leave your job and end up moving in together and having a child. Because you don’t recognize this as grooming. The Second Silent Red Flag In A Relationship: Isolation Anne: The second silent red flag in a relationship is isolating you. They get you to move or quit your job. And that happened to you as well. So now that you’re living together and have a child. That’s the hard part. Women don’t know that the great part was part of the abuse. So many times they’ll say, it was good. And then it went bad. They don’t realize it was bad the whole time. Struggles In The Relationship Anne: What types of things did you try to improve the relationship? Ayla: Communication, however, he was so good with word manipulation and gaslighting. It always kept ending up that it was my fault for anything and everything that happened. He bashed my head into a door, I had a severe concussion. And he kept blaming that I wasn’t understanding things because of it. He blamed it on the hormones and everything when I was pregnant. So it was all my fault all the time. I think when I continuously caught him in blatant lies with the gas lighting. That’s when I realized he might be mentally ill. I understood that I needed to be more particular and deliberate in how I created my existence alongside him. Especially since we were having a child together. He had a bad addiction to weed. I thought that was the main culprit so I didn’t recognize the silent red flags in my relationship. I read a book called Tell Your Children the Truth About Marijuana. Which focuses on violence being a huge result of somebody who uses substances such as marijuana often. Anne: Yeah, that makes sense. You’re thinking the reason why he’s been violent is because of his marijuana use or maybe a mental illness. I’m so sorry. Can you talk more about how he exploited you? Ayla: I have a big heart. I used to do energy work and counseling. And becoming part of a non-profit was something intriguing to me. I wanted involvement in something amazing to help the community. Exploitation & Lies Ayla: So with being lied to from the get go about that. I felt that maybe it was just that one opportunity. Because he always had an excuse for something going on. So when we had left together to go to the mountains and start a new life, he said, oh, it was, it was his friend’s fault. That he was behaving the way he was. He said he needed to get away from the bad influence and that coming to a new life will change him. He’s going to be a changed man. And that was exactly what he needed. I was exactly what he needed in his life to become a better person. And so, of course, I believed it. But then I kept having to call the police to help me out. Because there were times when he wouldn’t even allow me to close myself off into a bedroom. To prevent him from yelling in my face, shoving me, pushing me, grabbing the baby from my arms, like horrible back and forth fighting. That I just was fighting for my safety to get away. He wouldn’t even let me leave the house too. And he would take away the car keys. He also didn’t allow me to drive the car at times. He had control over that and didn’t register the other cars. So if I tried to leave, he said he would call the police and report the car stolen, and that I was kidnapping my own child. He put up surveillance cameras, wow big red flag, and he then spliced up video footage of me defending myself. I mean, what do you do if your husband filmed you with a hidden camera. The Third Silent Red Flag In A Relationship: Pushing For A Child Ayla: He said I have footage that I can show the police saying you were abusive towards me. I realized he had trapped me. He blackmailed me for about the two last two and a half years of our “relationship,” for everyone to call it that. So there were threats that kept an invisible prison around me in my life. My son was unfortunately the pawn to keep that control over me, because the threats were so real. Anne: So I want to point out the third silent red flag in a relationship that you mentioned. Number three is pushing you to have a child with them. Because these types of abusers know that once you have a child, their ability to exploit, control and threaten you increases exponentially. So pushing you to have a child with them quickly is number three. Ayla: I had another friend, in the same exact situation, caught into a relationship. And her abuser used a child to keep her in control. Because all he wanted from her was just a child. Like, my abuser just wanted a child from me. Anne: Or at least that’s what he said. I mean, he manipulated you to feel like he wanted a child, but he wanted a reason to keep you trapped. So that’s why it’s so difficult. And so hard when you find out that it was manipulation the whole time. The Fourth Red Flag: Manipulative Dependency Anne: The fourth silent red flag in a relationship. You mentioned that he manipulated you by saying he needed you, that you were going to save him. that. He couldn’t do this without you. You mentioned this type of manipulation. I mean, you experienced overt, non silent abuse, like yelling. Or keeping you from leaving the house. And then you’re also experiencing this silent abuse. In fact, this is narcissistic abuse. You discovered that he poisoned you to take pictures of you to use to exploit you online. Can you talk about that? Ayla: One night he pushed very to get me to drink. That was the thing that we often did, but I knew he was doing the course of control with the surveillance camera called the domestic violence setup. So I knew that he already had that in his back pocket. The one night I kept refusing. I don’t want to drink anything. My intuition just said, no, not tonight. Stay away. So he handed me a drink, even despite me saying, I don’t want to drink. He’s like, just take one sip. I’m like, all right. So I took one sip and gave it back to him. I said, see, I just don’t want it. I’m not in the mood. Then he dumped that drink out. He loves his alcohol, so I thought that was peculiar. So I asked, why’d you dump it out? Oh, well, I just don’t want to drink either, and he played it off. 20 minutes later, I felt really odd, sick. And I tried taking myself upstairs to the bedroom, and I just had to sit and collapsed on the stairs. Poisoned & Trapped: Visible Red Flags In A Relationship Ayla: Now my consciousness was still there. Because when somebody is given the Rufalin date rape drug, if they have enough alcohol in the system, their consciousness is not there. But because I didn’t have alcohol in my system that one night, I was still coherent. And I remember feeling him standing over my body and seeing flashes. He was taking pictures, which was scary. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t move. And then he finally picked me up and put me on the bed. And shut me in there, and he put the baby in bed with me. So I asked him about it the next night. He said, Oh, it was in my imagination. And so I called the domestic violence center to see what they can do to help me. I didn’t know what to do at that point. I was so scared, if he did stuff like that to me. Anne: Did you find the domestic violence shelter to be helpful in your area? Ayla: Absolutely not, I was so surprised about how unhelpful they were. It was like chasing a mouse, trying to get them to help me. The woman wouldn’t return my calls in an appropriate time. I tried to get restraining orders, nothing happened. It took a year and a half, he almost killed my son, for them to finally step in. And say, Oh, okay. Yeah, I guess we’ll help. And even at that they believed my abuser over me and gave up on trying to help me. Because of the camera footage that he introduced in court. Seeking Help & Facing Challenges Anne: I’m so sorry. Because he set that up on purpose, right? To splice up the footage to make it seem like you were the abuser, when you were just trying to protect yourself. I’m so sorry. That is awful. Everyone says call the domestic violence hotline, if you’re a victim. It’s going to be easy for you if you just reach out for help. I have found that is not the case. And they also do not understand the coercion piece of this, the lying, emotional and psychological abuse that you’re under. So they’ll just think, what’s wrong with her? Instead of realizing that you are suffering from severe trauma, gaslighting and you cannot see straight. It’s not your fault, so instead of actually helping you, some blame you. It’s a lot harder than people think. And I found the same thing. Even though their purpose is to be helpful, that is not exactly what happens in real life. So, this is exactly why I wrote The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. Because women need to determine his true character. And then know what’s going to happen next, so that they can anticipate it. These strategies help women determine what the right thing is for them and their particular situation. The Fifth Red Flag: Studied Manipulation Anne: To introduce this part of your story. So the fifth silent red flag in a relationship is that they actually study this type of manipulation. There are books about how to be a pickup artist, how to manipulate women, how to control women. I highly recommend that every single woman who listens to this podcast read the book Men Who Hate Women by Lara Bates. She outlines all the ways in which they learn how to manipulate women, and they do it on purpose. You can find that book on our curated list of betrayal trauma books. Can you talk about that? Ayla: He moved his stuff around, and had left them out and forgot to put them back when he went to work. I looked and found The 48 Laws of Power, which is a detailed brainwashing manipulation book. And then The Art of Seduction at the time, I overlooked it. I thought it was like a couple’s book. But when I researched it after I left, I realized it was a how-to manual about how to catch, a victim. Ultimately, give them PTSD to make them controllable, discard them. And get a new victim and do the same thing over and over again. It’s just absolutely atrocious. The book uses the term victim 277 times. It uses the word prey 13 times, but it’s still there. It was so shocking, and it is banned from many prisons, state prisons across the United States. Because they understand how damaging these books are. Discovering Manipulation Tactics Ayla: And how bad it would be if these inmates started studying these books. Because that’s all they have is time when they’re sitting there. So studying this material would make them have more of a criminal mindset. When I found these books, especially The 48 Laws of Power, it was like that movie moment where the shift in view of the focused camera just completely zoomed in. And I realized, Oh my gosh, it has been a lie this entire time. And then a few months after we met, after he put me in the hospital, he was never tried, never went and saw a judge to get a sentence. It was thrown out because his story was different from mine. But he sat in jail for three nights, and created this elaborate plan to get back at me. And to make sure that I suffered financially, emotionally, and that he was going to try to put me in jail. So that wa…

Full show notes at the publisher

Should You Stay Married After Infidelity? The Shocking Truth No One Talks About May 09, 2023

Show notes

Many women turn to clergy to ask, “Should you stay married after infidelity?” If you’ve been looking to God or clergy for answers (or even friends and family), here’s the truth no one will say out loud. The shocking truth might be that you’re also experiencing emotional abuse. Take our free emotional abuse test to find out. If you need live support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today. Transcript: Should You Stay Married After Infidelity? Anne: Women go to clergy, they go to therapists, they go to their family to ask the question, “Should you stay married after infidelity?” Sometimes they just ask Google, even if you’re not religious, this episode will still help you. However, I totally understand. If you are not in the mood to hear a parable from the Bible. Even though I am telling a parable from the Bible today, I invite you if you’re atheist or agnostic to stick around to listen to the principles that I’m gonna talk about. The principles will apply regardless of your paradigm or faith, whether you’re religious, or what religion you practice. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, everyone is welcome. I share from my own faith perspective, because this is how I’ve learned so many principles. But I think the principles are universal truths that apply in any situation. And I do not want to proselyte or convert anybody to Christianity. You are welcome here as you are. What is the shocking truth about infidelity that no one wants to talk about? It is that infidelity is emotional and psychological abuse. So when it comes to deciding if you should stay married, there are some universal principles that I learned by studying Christ’s parables. And this parable is in Luke 18. I use the King James version of the Bible. I find it a little more vague than some newer translations. The vagueness helps me pray, concentrate, and interpret it the way I think God would want me to interpret it right now in our time. The Unjust Judge Anne: The parable of the unjust judge is interesting, because I think Jesus would like people in authority, so clergy or the court system, to help victims of abuse. It’s specifically about a widow. Whenever I read about widows in the scriptures, I, of course, because of the podcast and because of what I do, envision abuse widows. Or women who are widows through no fault of their own. Their husband or ex-husband might still be alive, but they are left alone, and they are unprotected and not provided for by their husbands. In essence, they have been abandoned even if their husband or ex-husband is still alive. In ancient times, women did not have the ability to make money. They were essentially enslaved to their husbands, and if they did make money, their husbands could take it. If they got divorced, their husbands would take their children, and they had no rights. They were considered the property of their husbands. It’s interesting to me that Jesus is so concerned with widows and women. Luke 18 starts with, “And he spake a parable unto them to this end, that men ought always to pray and not to faint.” Now, I interpret that to mean stay close to the spirit and the not faint part to confront evil or wrongdoing. And actually do something about it, to take action to relieve suffering. In verse 2, it says, “Saying, There was in the city a judge, which feared not God. The Judge’s Indifference Anne: So this is not a judge concerned about right and wrong. He’s not a judge worried about it. And then it says, “neither regarded man:” meaning he also didn’t care about people. He was just a jerk. This is not a good person. He’s not concerned with women. He’s not concerned with justice. Who knows why he’s a judge, but this judge is unjust. Verse 3, “And there was a widow in that city; and she came unto him, saying, Avenge me of mine adversary.” Now, let’s take this to mean the person who made her a widow. And in our case, the person who made us a widow would be our husband or ex-husband. We have been rendered protector less or provider less due to his actions. Emotionally, psychologically, financially, our husbands have essentially abandoned and oppressed us. So she wants help. She’s going to this judge and saying, I need help. Not just avenge me of my adversary. But, most likely, help me. I need help, I need financial help. And maybe need help with my children. My husband is abusing or persecuting me. I need help. Please help me. Verse 4 “And he [meaning the judge] would not for a while: but afterward he said within himself, Though I fear not God, nor regard man; Verse 5 “Yet, because this widow troubleth me, I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.” So essentially, this judge is like, I don’t want to do anything. She’s driving me crazy. But she keeps coming back to bother me. Why does she keep coming back? I don’t know, but she’s going to keep coming back. And I don’t care about her. Staying Married After Infidelity: Jesus’ Commentary Anne: The judge doesn’t care about anybody else. And I don’t care if people oppress her, if she’s got financial problems or if she’s suffering. All he’s worried about is himself. I don’t want to deal with this. Verse 6, Jesus says about abuse, “Hear what the unjust judge saith.” So he makes a point again to say, this guy is unjust. The thing he’s going to say right now is the wrong thing to do. Had he said, The Lord saith, hear what the repentant judge saith, or the judge who had a change of heart. Or he realized through this experience that he was a bad dude and wanted to change. No, no, no, he’s still unjust. Now I want you to think in your mind as you listen, what do you think he’s going to say? Do you think he’s going to say, Hey, you’re the one at fault? You pushed him away. You caused him problems. The fact that you’re a widow is your own darn fault. I just want you to think in your mind. Should you stay married after infidelity? Who will help you decide? I’m going to let you think for a minute about what you think that unjust judge might say. All right. The Unjust Judge’s Response Anne: Verse 7, this is what Jesus says the unjust judge said. He looks this widow in the eye, and he says to her, “And shall not God avenge his own elect, which cry day and night unto him, though he bear long with them?” So he looks at her, and he says, Hey, isn’t God supposed to help you? Aren’t you supposed to pray, and then God will come to your aid? And then this unjust judge continues, and he says in verse 8, “I tell you that he will avenge them speedily.” Is that true? I’m going to talk about that in just a minute. “Nevertheless when the Son of man cometh, shall he find faith on the earth?” So he’s looking at this woman and he’s saying, Isn’t God supposed to help people who cry to him day and night? Isn’t God supposed to come to your aid? God’s supposed to do that. He should help you. And then that’s the end of the parable. That’s it. And in verse 9, it reads, “And he spake this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others:” So he’s telling this parable to people who think they’re righteous, but don’t care about anybody else. That answer that this unjust judge gives. It’s actually true. Will others help? God’s Role In Justice Anne: God does hear our prayers. He does care about us, and I think he will avenge us, if not in this life, in the next life, for sure. So why is Jesus saying this is what the unjust judge says? Why is Christ using this as an example of what an unrighteous person, who doesn’t care, someone who thinks really highly of themselves as righteous. That they’re not actually righteous, who does not have charity, right? Someone who despises others is someone who doesn’t have godly love for someone else. This unjust judge had the ability to actually physically reduce this woman’s suffering. He had the ability to do something about her situation, and bring the person who caused her to be a widow to justice. Maybe he could have thrown the guy in jail or maybe he could have required him to pay her. Maybe he could have required other things that would have physically and emotionally reduced her suffering. But he didn’t do that. Instead of helping her in any way, shape, or form, he just sat there and said, Oh, just pray to God. God will help you. So he essentially refused to do anything about it. Now, in many of our faith traditions, we’ve heard that other people are the answer to our prayers. So we pray and we ask Heavenly Father for help, and we do receive help. But God himself doesn’t come out of the sky in general, and assist somebody. https://youtube.com/shorts/3LQPos2hN_c Staying Married After Infidelity: Personal Experience With Abuse Anne: I remember one time when I got down on my knees when my ex was arrested, and I did not know what to do. And I called the domestic violence shelter. Now my abuse was mostly emotional and psychological abuse, and that is what Betrayal Trauma Recovery is about. In this instance, he pushed back my fingers, and I went to the doctor. And the doctor called the cops, and they arrested him and gave him a temporary no contact order, which is like a protective order. But I don’t want you to get the impression that my ex was extremely physically violent per se, like that I noticed. He would punch walls so he was physically violent, but it was not something that I was aware of. Like I didn’t know that punching walls was physical abuse. I didn’t comprehend it. But in terms of like punching me in the face or being overtly like that, that was not the case. What I knew about was how his infidelity in the form of explicit content use and masturbation. He had been in addiction recovery for years. I didn’t know he was physically abusive, actually. In the technical definition, he was also emotionally and psychologically abusive because of his infidelity. So the third time he physically actually touched me in a scary way was that time. And I went to the doctor and told the doctor, who called the police. The Court’s Intervention Anne: So that being said, it was about a week or two. I can’t remember exactly after his arrest, and there was the court date coming up. And I was the victim, and I didn’t know if I should go to court or not. I had no idea. And I didn’t get hold of the victim advocate. I was overwhelmed at that point, I didn’t want my marriage to end. I hoped he would understand what had happened. And that this would help him get what was going on, and that it would spur change for him. So I got down on my knees and I prayed. I just said, I don’t know what to do. Please, please help me. I’m going to give this to you. I was kneeling and I had my head bowed. And when I looked up the phone rang. And it was the victim advocate from the domestic violence shelter, and I said, the hearing … I forgot one important part of the story. Sorry, the hearing was like in an hour, so it wasn’t like I had a ton of time to figure out, should I go to the hearing? Should I not go to the hearing? I didn’t want to go because I was terrified of him, but I also didn’t want myself to be the person to cause something bad to happen to him. But I didn’t want him to come back into the house, because I was terrified. I didn’t want to see him. It was really, really close to when the hearing was supposed to be, anyway. So she called and I said, I don’t know what to do. The hearing is at three. Should I go? Should I not go? He Pled Guilty Anne: I don’t want my marriage to end, so I don’t know what I’m supposed to say, but I’m terrified and I don’t want him to come back yet. He hasn’t shown any signs of changing. She said, well, I’ll go for you. I will present the facts. She confirmed the facts. I said, yes. And she went. Then he ended up later having to plead guilty. I got a longer protective order, and he did a plea in abeyance, which means he didn’t have to go to jail, but he had probation for 14 months. And that whole 14 months, he had a protective order where he could not come near me. Which I really needed to get emotional and psychological space to see what was going on. That judge did something. That particular judge took action and said to him, you can’t be around her, you can’t call her, you can’t go in the house, and when you want to get your stuff, you will have to have the police there. And then someone else that she deems her representative in the home before you can go in the home. He actually did something. When I went to clergy, they didn’t say, pray, God will help you. Most of the time, they just told me I needed to love, serve and stuff like that. They could have actually helped me in my particular faith. They could have told him, you can’t have a volunteer position. You’re not able to participate in ordinances. They could have told him, you cannot do this. More and more as women talk to clergy, they hear there’s nothing I can do. And it’s just not true. There are things that people can do. Staying Married After Infidelity Tools From The Living Free Workshop Anne: If you’ve enrolled in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop, you’ll know that this is not strategic and can be dangerous for you. Living Free will teach you safety strategies. If you go to clergy and tell them, the most likely thing is that the clergy will be concerned and they’ll call him into their office. And then he will groom and manipulate them. Because just like you didn’t understand that your husband or ex husband was abusive, the clergy doesn’t either. And so it’s very easy for clergy, therapists, family, friends to be manipulated by this type of abuser. And then you’re not only being abused by your abuser, but also clergy or friends or family who are also putting pressure on you. So that he can continue to exploit you. This is not to say your clergy is unjust, like the judge in the parable. In our day, he might just be uneducated, because he doesn’t understand abuse dynamics. And that will make it dangerous for you. To learn more about these strategies, go to this link. Strategically, it’s not the best idea to try to go to your clergy to see if they can help you get your husband to repent. That’s not the best way to go. In the case of the parable of the unjust judge, Jesus is telling judges, hey, don’t look a widow in the face and refuse to do anything to actually help her. Don’t just look at her and say, hey, God will help you, just pray. Jesus’ Message To Judges Anne: You are there to help her. I am God, I am Jesus. And I am telling you, you are the one that needs to help her. You are the one that needs to reduce this suffering. You can do it through giving her food, helping her pay her house payment. And you can do it by telling this abuser that he’s not allowed to come to church right now because he’s abusive. That would also tip the abuser off and start the grooming. So strategically, that’s a little dangerous. But just judges are people who actually help reduce the suffering by helping. I’m going to say avenge here for a minute, but in this case, I think what it means is reducing that suffering, some type of justice. Not just for something in the past that happened. The widow in the parable of the unjust judge, I don’t know what her problems are exactly. But she’s having these ongoing problems, which is why she’s going for help. If this was just in the past, and she was okay, and she had food to eat and a roof over her head. I don’t think she would be going to someone for help. There’s a reason why she’s going to this judge. She needs help. He doesn’t help her. And now I’m going to ironically talk about a loving God who loves us and will actually help us. Maybe not through that particular judge, but there will be people who can help. Betrayal Trauma Recovery As An Answer To Prayers Anne: Betrayal Trauma Recovery is often an answer to women’s prayers. That sounds ridiculous, but frequently women tell me they didn’t know what to do. They didn’t know where to go. They prayed, and then they…

Full show notes at the publisher

How To Know If You’re Experiencing Spiritual Abuse Symptoms? May 02, 2023

Show notes

Is your husband using scriptures to coerce or oppress you? If so, you may be experiencing spiritual abuse symptoms. Here’s how to know for sure. If you’re wondering if you’ve experienced spiritual abuse, take our free spiritual abuse quiz to see if he’s used any of these tactics to exploit and oppress you. Spiritual abuse is a form of emotional and psychological manipulation where a husband uses scripture, revelation, or religious traditions to oppress women. It also involves the misuse of power by leaders or authority figures to control, manipulate, or exploit women under their influence. This type of abuse can take many forms, from fear tactics and guilt-tripping to strict rules. It’s often mistaken for spiritual teachings. 9 Signs Of Spiritual Abuse Coercing the victim into sexual activity using scripture or the misogynistic logic that it is her “wifely duty” to submit to her husband Refusing to help with household duties, telling a woman it’s the role God intended for her Convincing the victim that she does not have access to God’s direction or power without a man Making unilateral decisions Controlling the finances Undermining her talents, refusing to let the victim work Accusing the victim of “sin” Controlling whom the victim can associate with Controlling the victim’s hobbies This list isn’t exhaustive, but may help victims identify areas in which the abuser uses spirituality and religious texts or traditions to control and coerce her. 5 Spiritual Abuse Symptoms Feeling like you must constantly try harder to earn a place in heaven. Believing that God disapproves of you, even when you’ve done nothing wrong. Struggling with feelings of depression and hopelessness. Feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to meet impossible spiritual standards. Thinking you’re unworthy of God’s blessings or that God has forgotten you. In Abby’s case, her abuser used spiritual abuse to deny her medical care, access to education, and contact with her family. If you relate and need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. We’re here for you. Isolation Is A Symptom Of Spiritual Abuse By nature, spiritual abuse is generally very isolating. Husbands and church leaders may not allow victims to associate with others outside the faith community. Abusers may refuse to allow victims to contact family or friends who don’t practice their faith like they do. Transcript: How To Know If You’re Experiencing Spiritual Abuse Symptoms Anne: I have Abby on today’s episode. Her parents died when she was 12. A family adopted her into a family that attended the Community of Christ Church in Northern Missouri. She married her husband, also a member of that same church, at the age of 18. They were married for 26 years and had five children. While dating and married, she experienced spiritual abuse in the form of misuse of the word of God by her husband and several influential male leaders of her church. Welcome Abby. Abby: Thank you, Anne. I’m honored to be here. I hope my story will help others know that God himself does not want his daughters to be oppressed in any way. And that he is the ultimate authority or one that calls the shots, if you will. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcKBBYifx2I Early Red Flags In Marriage Anne: When did you start to sense that something wasn’t quite right. Abby: I sensed it from the beginning, but because of lack of education and self-esteem, I wasn’t sure what to do about it. My former spouse would sit in the car with me for hours and tell me what God told him about me. I didn’t know I was experiencing spiritual abuse. And let’s just use a silly example. God told me you were wearing a blue dress when X, Y, Z happened. I would say, no, I was wearing the purple dress, not a blue one. And he would overpower me. And the truth became that the dress was the color he chose. That sounds silly, but it was a powerful way of controlling. Anne: I don’t think that sounds silly at all. I think it sounds extremely traumatic and strange. Abby: Well, and God is the ultimate trump card, and he knew I am woman of faith and was very devoted. Some other issues were, I went on a hiking trip with the youth of my church. All of us got to the top of Mount Elbert. We’re having fun. And I fell in a snow drift, and one of the guys pulled me out, and we laughed. Afterward, he forced me to stay away from that boy. He wouldn’t let me go out with other friends. And would dominate my time, actually stopped in the road while I was getting in the car with Stephanie, my friend. He said, Oh, you need to go with me. Physical, Emotional & Spiritual Abuse Symptoms Abby: One of the most poignant situations was that he had a pornography issue or addiction at the time. I’ve learned that can cause lack of intimacy. And I had learned to play the guitar from a former boyfriend. And so to prove my devotion to him and him professing he was giving up or abandoning his addiction. Required me to throw my guitar along with his magazines into a well. I was never allowed to play the guitar for youth campfires ever again. Yes, it all seemed odd. I actually went to a school counselor and said, “Look, do I not communicate well?” This person is just not understanding a word I’m saying. And she says, “You have a fine command of the language”, but I was uneducated. I did see red flags. Anne: Really quickly for our audience, was this a public school, a church school, where you were trying to get educated at home? Abby: A public school. Anne: Okay. Abby: And even the night before our wedding, we sat in the car and I said, there’s just something wrong. I just can’t go through with the wedding. And so I said, good night, got out of the car. He pulled me back in and overpowered my own conscience. He has a way with words and was able to convince me how wrong I was to not follow through with the wedding. Those feelings were spiritual abuse symptoms. Anne: So you knew something was wrong. Resistance & Submission Anne: You’re resisting this abuse, the best way that you can. And everything you’re doing during this time is to resist abuse. So did you resist by praying, serving and loving the typical Christian advice for how to solve a problem? This is when biblical submission becomes abuse. Abby: In the early part of our marriage, I was a strong willed young woman. We often had fights, and it was mostly over him saying and persisting that the dress was blue instead of purple, kind of a situation. Those kinds of conversations would lead to argument. The argument would lead to being forced on the ground, held down on the bed in a corner until I finally gave up and consented. Okay then, the dress was blue, so I had to shut up. To maintain peace in our household, I just ended up stuffing for years. And then I would have outbursts of anger, and I’m like, what’s the matter with me? I’m so angry. And I understand now why, until 20 years later, I wasn’t even able to articulate the concept of these behaviors as abuse. Recognizing This Kind Of Behavior As Abusive Anne: So many women from all over the world have found that it’s so difficult to recognize that this type of behavior is abuse. And it takes years to figure it out. In your case, why do you think for you it was so hard to figure out that it was abuse or even to label it abuse until years later? Abby: Well, predominantly I believe it was my, my belief system. I read the Bible. I read how Jesus died for those who persecuted him. And there are several passages that talk about honoring authorities, the laws of the land, submitting to your husband, and suffering like Christ. He used that to control me, I didn’t know it was spiritual abuse. Cultural & Religious Barriers Abby: All the things that I endured with him in my mind at that time were purely suffering for Christ. I went through a period of the homeschool movement, in which many of the presentations of homeschool families focused heavily on women submitting. And so I thought internally that I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do. I’ve heard the word abuse, but the two did not connect. And I also thought it was what God wanted me to do. Anne: In your experience, the whole spiritual construct or in the world you lived in, the culture of your religion kept you from seeing that it was abuse. That you were a victim and having spiritual abuse symptoms. Abby: Absolutely, additionally his behaviors were not Christlike in many ways. Anne: In light of this, being actively abused, you are practicing the types of principles that seem like they’re a good idea, right? Love, service, forgiveness, taught by your religion, but in the context of abuse, they’re harmful to you. When did you realize that these common types of marriage principles are just healthy living principles? They were not working in your case. Abby: There are several pivot points where I became aware and then would get pulled back in. One of the most powerful influences and also moments of pivot of saying, wait a minute, this isn’t right. God wouldn’t do this. Were the times he would hear from God that I had done horrible things. I guess I can be completely transparent here. He would accuse me of adultery for just talking to someone. He would accuse me of spiritual infidelity for speaking with my mother. Isolating me away from people who had a different opinion and would give me options to his treatment of me. Spiritual Abuse Symptoms: Isolation & Accusations Abby: I remember specifically fleeing the home after an episode and going to the library for retreat. On its side was a book by Jack Atterburn, called Twisted Scriptures, if I have the author correct. And I’m like, what is this? And I picked it up. I snatched it, went to my mom’s home. It took me two or three hours to recover from the episode. I’m reading this book and I’m like, this is what’s happening to me. And I went home and stood in the kitchen, and I still remember the clock saying 10 and the hands are at 10 o’clock. And I said, this isn’t going to happen anymore. I don’t remember what happened, how he did it. I just remember. ending up on the floor in defeat and being accused of spiritual adultery. Repeated incidents of being accused of adultery when I knew between me and God in my own heart and conscience that I had never done so. And then to have it accused publicly, not only in front of my children, but also in front of people of the faith. And so the conflict between the two was horrible. It wasn’t until many years later that I finally said, I will not do this anymore. Anne: When you’ve decided this and you’re not getting any traction with him, right? You’re ending up just continually being blamed. Did you start to try and get help from other people? Abby: Yes, a helper was a prominent leader in the faith. He convinced me, a church faith leader, that I was not submissive enough. And that’s why I was having so many problems. So he compounded the spiritual abuse symptoms by doing the same thing as my husband. Educating The Abuser Abby: I also fled to a women’s shelter. I was given the power and control wheel after an episode, and I was in crisis. It made a lot of sense to me, but not all the wheel was full at that time. A third of it was, or at least I recognized, and I took it home to him. Thinking if he just sees this, we could get help and everything would be okay. That wasn’t the case. Anne: Yeah, that sounds so familiar. I did that. And pretty much every woman I’ve ever interviewed. Shares that she tried to educate her abusive husband about the abuse, thinking that that would help. That’s a way to resist abuse. It’s actually something a super healthy person would do. So we’re doing the right thing. Not knowing and not being educated about abuse. That he’s going to weaponize anything. Even abuse education to abuse us more. So that is so devastating when that happens. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Many women who have tried to educate their abuser about his abuse end up being accused of being abusive. Because the abuser learns to use the language of therapists or church leaders. Spiritual abuse, they use scripture. That’s why our spiritual abuse symptoms are so extreme, because they use scripture or our faith tradition as a weapon against us. Now we know how to educate women about this. To say, it’s dangerous to bring these things to your abuser. So keep this information to yourself. And I explain exactly why that is in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. And you can get more information by clicking on the link. Weaponizing Abuse Education Anne: I’d say enroll in the Living Free Workshop. Learn why it’s so dangerous. First, at least I’ll have the foundation and understanding of what the dangers are and what to anticipate. If you decide to try and educate him about. it. Abby: And I could have said the same thing, if I was speaking as an advocate and not telling my story. I would’ve said exactly what you just said. It is dangerous. To divulge anything to your abuser, they will weaponize it, no matter what it is. Anne: Yeah, absolutely, the point of all the educational material that I produce here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. On our social media platforms, like on Instagram. We’re also on Facebook at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, and YouTube at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. On all those platforms and on this podcast, the purpose of me educating you about the abuse, isn’t for you to take this information and give it to your abuser. So that he’ll stop being abusive. That’s not how this works. He’ll just weaponize it and use it against you. And you will have more spiritual abuse symptoms. So please keep that in mind as you’re following me on social media, or listen to the podcast. Keep this information for yourself. Symptoms Of Spiritual Abuse: Impact On Children Abby: Yes, and I think another part that pivoted me was the way he would use our children. My oldest remembers, and I saw it too. I just didn’t have language for it until I read your book. And I want to emphasize that the abuse of a spouse, a wife, mother of children is abuse of the children. He would batter me to the point where my children would flee, escape out the living room window, and play in the creek and the fields just to get away from the abuse. And then would come back traumatized. They had spiritual abuse symptoms. What’s wrong with mommy? And he would bond with them, comfort them while I’m in an emotionally broken state. And tell them your mommy’s mentally ill. We need to pray for her. We just need to pray for her. And so my children grew up bonding with him during most critical junctures. And so it would separate me emotionally from my children. Not because I wanted to, but because, like we said before, divulging information. Even if it’s a daughter. I’m going to mom’s house for a break that would go straight to him. And even when I finally left. I could not take my children, because my older children were groomed to report on, spy on, and tell dad that I was a bad girl. So if I had taken them to a shelter, especially, the oldest son would have called dad and said, Hey, we’re over here. Come get us. Mom’s being a bad mom again. That is so hard. That whole setup of grooming the children has destroyed the emotional condition of all five of my children. And we’re still suffering the symptoms of spiritual abuse. Separation & Recovery Anne: That’s awful. I’m so sorry. How did you finally get some traction on getting to safety? And what did that look like for you? Abby: Well, separation, complete disconnection, was the first step of traction. Starting to think, act, and decide for myself. Which took time to recover, because everything was deferred to him previously. But I can’t emphasize enough the separation. Even though you’ve got all this covenant language, death do you part, you have to get away and start recovering on your own with outside resources. And I started my own business, integrated into my community, volunteered at a l…

Full show notes at the publisher

Is My Husband Gay? Ways To Know For Sure Apr 25, 2023

Show notes

If you’re married, have you just discovered that your husband watches gay pornography or is hooks up with men? Have you wondered, “Is my husband gay?” This kind of betrayal cuts deep, and it makes sense that you feel angry, confused, and sad. Not because you’re mean or hateful, but because he lied to you and broke your trust. You’re not alone. Betrayal can hurt a lot, but there are ways to get help and feel better. Here are three signs that might show if your husband could be gay, along with some ideas on how to move forward. 1. You Find Gay Pornography or Evidence of Same-Sex Relationships Have you come across gay pornography on your husband’s phone, device, or search history? Discovering this can feel like a devastating blow, particularly if it’s not the first time. If he’s previously assured you that he isn’t gay or promised to stop, the betrayal can be even more painful. This can feel especially conflicting if he identifies as religious and claims not to support homosexuality. Similarly, if he’s had same-sex relationships in his past—or you’ve recently uncovered evidence that he’s involved with other men now—this might confirm worrying suspicions. It’s important to remember that these discoveries aren’t your fault. He’s been lying to you and your community and maybe even your church, and that has nothing to do with you. His lying and hiding the truth likely amounts to emotional and psychological abuse, even if people try marriage infidelity counseling. Before you answer whether he’s gay, consider answering this important question: Is he emotionally abusive? Take this free emotional abuse quiz to see if he’s using any of the 19 types of emotional abuse to keep you in the dark or make you feel like this is your fault. 2. He’s Spending Time in Gay Bars or Similar Spaces If your husband secretly frequents gay bars or visits establishments connected to same-sex encounters, and has been purposefully trying to obstruct you from discovering this double life, it’s a sign that he’s emotionally abusive, regardless of his sexual orientation. To learn more about this type of abuse, listen to the FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joi92r4w93k 3. Your Intuition Tells You Something Is Wrong Sometimes, even if you don’t have proof—like suspicious messages or clear signs—your feelings might tell you something isn’t right. You know what? Those feelings happen for a reason. Your brain can notice little clues even before you realize it. If you’re feeling confused, trust yourself. You might not be able to explain it immediately, but honoring your intuition can guide you toward the truth. Regardless of what your husband is saying or promising you now, if you feel like something is off, you need support from women who understand. Attend a betrayal trauma support group. But What If He’s Still Intimate With Me? One question many women in this situation ask is, “If he’s having sex with men, why does he still want to be with me—physically and emotionally?” To learn more about why some men see marriage as an opportunity to exploit a woman, rather than a loving relationship, enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop to determine what your husband’s true character is. The Living Free Workshop will help you determine if your husband is gay and then know what steps to take next to make sure you’re emotionally, psychologically, and sexually safe. What You Can Do Next If this sounds like something you’re going through, it’s time to focus on finding peace and feeling better. Whether your husband is gay or making other bad choices, what matters most is your feelings and mental health. Feeling isolated is common, but help is available. Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR.ORG) offers daily group sessions in every time zone, so no matter where you are, you’ll be surrounded by women who understand. This is a safe space where you can share your thoughts—or just listen until you feel ready. Take the first step toward healing and connect with the amazing women at Betrayal Trauma Recovery TODAY. Discovering my husband betrayed me with men, when I thought he was straight, was the most painful experience of my life. Savannah shares her story of resilience and acceptance in the aftermath of her husband coming out after fourteen years of intimate betrayal. If this is happening to you, professional betrayal trauma specialists at Betrayal Trauma Recovery can help you process your feelings and find peace. My Husband Betrayed Me With Men – The Emotions Are Overwhelming In fact many women in our community face intense and overwhelming emotions in the face of learning that their husband has betrayed them with men. They grapple with blame from clergy, family, and friends, while trying to stay in the reality that sexual orientation or preference has literally nothing to do with them. Also, below is a list of common emotions and thoughts that women facing this situation experience: Intense rejection Fear that they “turned” their husband gay Shame Embarrassment Grief over the thought that the relationship was never authentic Anger Intense frustration over the time wasted Sorrow for children they share with their partner Self-blame for not “seeing it sooner” Self-loathing as they perceive themselves as not good enough, or not attractive enough to “keep their husband straight” Intense anxiety that the same situation will play out again in future Am I Horrible For Feeling This Way? When your husband betrays you with men, you may grapple with the worry that you are homophobic for feeling complex emotions, including anger, disgust, rejection, or grief. Because It’s important to give yourself space to feel the spectrum of emotions that all betrayal victims experience. At BTR, we understand the devastation, shame, and heartbreak that victims experience. Please don’t suffer alone. Transcript: Is My Husband Gay? Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’ll call her Savannah. She was raped at 17 years of age, and a pregnancy resulted from that. She chose to keep her child. And 23 years later, after 17 years of marriage, she found out her husband betrayed her with men. And for most of their marriage he was a sex addict. To heal from these traumas, she started summiting mountains, running ultra marathons, regular marathons, standup paddling, any kind of active outdoor activity. She did it. I also love being out in nature, so it’s great to talk to someone with similar interests. Let’s start with your story. How did you feel when you found out about your husband? Savannah: Not only is he a sex addict, but he’s also addicted to drugs and alcohol and was leading a double life. And I didn’t know any of it. I found out on Thanksgiving Eve. Once I realized his behaviors were not something I’m accustomed to seeing, he literally tripped out on drugs when he came home that evening. I started going through his phone, his websites, and everything on technology. Through that, I started realizing. oh my gosh. We have a major problem here. This is not just drug related, there are other addictions involved. It was devastating. It was devastating to go through and scroll through your husband’s phone, which I’m sure many of you have had to do, and finding all this pornography. My discovery happened over five days in front of my eyes. Understanding Her Husband’s Identity Anne: When you found out that your husband had betrayed you with men? Are you thinking, is my husband gay? My husband must hate me. Like, what were your thoughts? Were you looking for podcasts or trying to find help? Savannah: In my situation, my husband, I found out, is gay. It does not mean they’re gay if that’s happening with other women’s husbands. For my husband, he identified as gay. He moved out. We are now divorced. And he does not even live near me right now. He is now leading and living a gay lifestyle. For me, I never thought I’m not enough. In some cases, maybe I’m too much. You know? Maybe I’m just too much. Just from women who have these conversations about this exact topic, my spouse is leading a same sex lifestyle. And I even had that thought, “did you turn them gay?” No, I didn’t turn my husband gay. Women ask, Why are they doing that? Why are they turning to men? Many women have these thoughts, this isn’t even about you. None of this is about you. This is about them not being truthful or honest where they’re at. And unfortunately, getting projected onto you. Because again, it doesn’t always mean they’re gay. It could mean that for whatever reason they’re turning to men as a way of acting out. For him, he just wasn’t living an authentic life. For myself, it was 14 years worth. So, for who I am as a woman, I’m a mom of three boys. It would be very difficult for me to be in a relationship when he’s identifying himself as wanting to be with a man. I’m not a man. Deciding to Leave Savannah: Once all this surfaced, I realized our intimacy wasn’t what I needed, what I wanted, and what I deserved as a woman. So, I couldn’t live in a relationship like that anymore, because I wasn’t living in an authentic life because he wasn’t living in an authentic life. My husband betrayed me with men. My choice was to leave. I do know women who have chosen to stay with their spouses, because even though they identify as gay, they have chosen. No judgment. Look, if that’s what works for them, who am I to judge? Anne: Yeah, I think that’s important to trust that a woman will make the best decision for her, depending on her circumstances. Savannah: Right, and for their kids. Some people choose to stick around or stay together as a couple until the kids are older. More power to you if that’s what you choose to do. Because I actually did try, I actually believe it or not. I did try for a little bit to make it work. I didn’t want to make any rash decisions until I had all the facts and emotionally felt secure enough to do it from a place of clarity. He went to rehab for 35 days, and then we talked to the kids in the spring, and then also again in the fall. I’m one of those people where I have to go to the extent to make sure that I’m making that right decision. And so I was building the foundation of what could my life look like. Could we even possibly make any of this work? Now we’re into the future until the kids get older. And in the fall, I knew it wouldn’t work. My Husband betrayed me with men: Support from the Church Savannah: In terms of the church community, I’m Catholic. I immediately went to Monsignor. He was extremely supportive. I told him my husband betrayed me with men. He understood. What was going on and what needed to be done. He’s never once questioned my decision or the way I’ve handled it. He held me to my own beliefs to ensure that I was doing the right thing as a mom, which I appreciated. I don’t listen to a lot of the talk people do behind my back. People ask me what about the people that talk behind your back when you’re sitting in the pew. Do they look at you funny or whatever? I don’t care. I’ve just never been one to care. I’ve been through enough stuff in my life that I know that if I’m standing in my own place of integrity and my own truth, and doing what I know I need to be doing for my kids and myself. The rest can go by the wayside. I’m actually getting my marriage annulled right now. Anne: I am not super familiar with Catholic theology, so can you explain a little bit more about how that works? Savannah: I’m just starting the process of annulment, and pretty much, from what I understand, and I may even be getting some of this wrong. But annulment is in the church’s eyes, the marriage. It’s not that it didn’t exist, but it created when one or the other was untruthful. I believe he knew, I believe he had some sense of what was going on within himself before we married. He says, no. I don’t want to speak on his behalf. That’s my own thought process and my own woman intuition. Faith & Betrayal Savannah: In the eyes of the church, you did not enter this marriage in a truthful way. So the marriage gets annulled. Anne: In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which is the church I belong to. I was married in the temple, and there are very specific requirements to do that. One of them is that you’re honest in your dealings with your fellow men. And one of them is that you obey the law of chastity, which in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints means you are not using pornography and that you are not masturbating. If you marry someone in the temple, you assume those things are true. By them saying, I am temple worthy, and not tell you that they’re lying is extremely traumatic for so many women who find out later. Whoa, he lied to marry me in the temple. And he not only lied to me. But there are so many witnesses of this temple marriage. There are multiple levels of clergy, and also family around who witnessed this. And all the family assumes these principles are being adhered to. So the lie is big when this happens within my church. And I think that’s why it’s so traumatizing to women when they find out. Savannah: You said that much better than I did. It was under false pretenses. We had 300 people at my wedding. It’s a big deal. As a woman, to be standing up there accepting this man who I thought was coming into this marriage one way. Instead, my husband betrayed me with men. He was betraying me for years. It’s not like it just happened once. For me, it was such a deep level of betrayal that I fought with this one. Annulment Decision Savannah: When Monsignor first told me, you can get your marriage annulled, I said, no way. I don’t want to get my marriage annulled. It was still a marriage even though my husband betrayed me with men. And now, looking back and taking a lot more spiritual time to assess this, as a woman and mom, I’m thinking. He’s offering this to me, he knows it can be done, and will go through the steps to get done. So, for myself, it’s me wanting to spiritually say to myself, you did the right thing, the other person did not, and under God’s law, under my own beliefs, and my own values and morals. So I want to enter this next stage of my life on my terms. And that means spiritually, according to my church. Anne: I appreciate you explaining that. Thank you. In my faith, the covenants we make in the temple are with God and your spouse. I felt like I wanted to maintain my covenant with God. And some women in my faith want to cancel their temple sealing, which doesn’t mean they didn’t keep their covenants with God. So, it’s interesting that as we embark on this healing journey, we have to grapple with what these promises meant to us as individuals. And also how our faith community perceives them, and how we want to define what happened to us. There are no wrong answers for us. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we just want to support women in their decisions, because they know what’s best for them and their situation. As we’re talking about finding out that your husband has betrayed you with men. My Husband betrayed me with men: Advice for Betrayal Trauma Anne: Do you have any advice for listeners who have experienced a husband betrayed me with men? Savannah: Definitely, look for somebody versed in betrayal trauma. Because the bottom line is actually the betrayal, right? Take some time for yourself, connect yourself with nature. Take time to meditate, take time to pray, take time to find your own safety . Anne: Yeah, the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop has helped so many women heal from the inside out. So many addiction recovery programs approach it from the perspective of betrayers, from the perpetrator’s perspective, rather than the victim’s perspective. It’s so important for women to know that this devastation is normal, that anyone who has been through something like this would be devastated. Savannah: Yes, because people look at me and I am an insanely happy person, and people know me as always happy,…

Full show notes at the publisher

Divorce Co-Parenting Research: 7 Truths To Know Apr 18, 2023

Show notes

If you’re lying awake at night wondering, “What will this do to my kids?”—you’re not alone. But divorce co-parenting research tells a very different story than what most women have been told. Let’s walk through what the research actually shows—especially for mothers trying to create a calmer, safer home for their children. Divorce Co-Parenting Research You Need to Know 1. Divorce Is Not Universally Harmful to Kids One of the biggest fears mothers carry is that divorce will “ruin” their children. But divorce co-parenting research shows something important: The majority of children adjust over time Most return to baseline emotional health within about two years Long-term harm is not the norm Yes, kids may feel sadness, confusion, or grief at first. That’s real. But temporary pain is very different from lifelong damage. Think about a mom who finally leaves a chaotic home—her child might cry at the change… but also start sleeping better, laughing more, and relaxing in ways she hasn’t seen in years. 2. The Real Risk Factor Isn’t Divorce—It’s the Home Environment Research consistently shows: Children in high-conflict or abusive homes often struggle more than children of divorce In the most toxic environments, kids do significantly better after divorce In fact, in the worst situations, outcomes can be dramatically better when the parents separate. That means the real question isn’t: “Is divorce bad for kids?” It’s: “What are they living with right now?” 3. Kids Always Have Value Another common fear: “If I leave, my kids won’t believe in marriage.” But divorce co-parenting research shows: Most children of divorce still grow up to value long-term relationships The difference in divorce rates between children of divorced vs. non-divorced parents is relatively small And here’s what many moms notice in real life: Children often become more thoughtful about relationships. They see the difference between: a tense, confusing home and a calm, respectful one And they quietly decide which one they want someday. To find out if you’re experiencing emotional abuse in your home, take my free emotional abuse test. 4. Short-Term Stress Does Not Equal Long-Term Damage During and after divorce, kids may: Cry more Struggle with transitions Have temporary regressions (like sleep issues or school stress) That’s to be expected, which is why women want to avoid divorce. But research makes a clear distinction, the longer term stress of living with abuse in the home is worse. 5. Exposure to Harmful Behavior Matters More Than Family Structure One of the most overlooked findings in divorce co-parenting research: Children who are exposed to ongoing harmful behavior are at higher risk than those who experience separation. Even partial separation can help: Reducing exposure—even 50% of the time—can improve outcomes Kids benefit from having at least one stable, emotionally safe environment Think of it like this: If one home feels tense, unpredictable, or confusing…and the other feels calm and steady… Children notice. They learn. And over time, they gravitate toward what feels safe. 6. The “Single Mom Outcomes” Narrative Is Overstated You’ve probably heard: “Kids from single-parent homes struggle more” “They’re more likely to get in trouble” But when you actually look at the data: Differences are often small Many outcomes are nearly identical between groups The gap is frequently exaggerated For example: Slight increases in certain risks exist—but they’re often just a few percentage points The vast majority of kids in both groups are doing okay What matters far more is: emotional stability consistency and a parent who is present and grounded 7. Many Kids Understand—and Even Support—the Divorce This is the part no one talks about openly. In surveys and real-life experiences: Many children—especially as they get older—express relief after divorce Some openly say they’re glad the conflict ended Others may not say it out loud… but show it through behavior A mom might notice: fewer stomachaches less tension at home more openness in conversations Not because divorce is easy—but because the environment improved. What Divorce Co-Parenting Research Really Tells Us When you step back and look at the full picture, the research is surprisingly consistent: Divorce is not automatically harmful Toxic environments are often more damaging than separation Kids are resilient—especially with one safe, stable parent And maybe most importantly: You are not choosing between“hurting your kids” and “protecting your marriage.” You’re often choosing between: ongoing confusion, tension, and instabilityor a hard transition that can lead to clarity and peace Transcript: Divorce Co-Parenting Research: 7 Truths To Know Anne: I have Gretchen Baskerville on today’s episode. She is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For 20 years, she has worked with Christian women going through difficult life saving divorces. She listens with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. She herself is a survivor of a toxic marriage. And she walked through her own life saving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today, she’s happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian education. Welcome Gretchen. Gretchen: Oh, it’s so great to be with you, Anne. Thank you for having me. Anne: So today we’ll talk about divorce co-parenting research about divorce and marriage. And for my non-religious friends listening, stay tuned. These are common myths women of faith. Faith encounter, but it’s also societal things that people say. Myth 1: Divorce Is Universally Destructive For Kids Anne: So Gretchen, both women of faith and just women in general, regardless of their paradigm, they really feel like divorce is going to hurt their kids. Gretchen: This myth that divorce is universally destructive for kids is not true. When you have gone through a really destructive marriage. So I’m not talking about someone who wants an “I’m bored divorce” or an “I feel unfulfilled divorce” or an “I miss the party life divorce.” If you’re thinking it might be time to leave, I’m talking about people considering or having gone through a divorce for serious reasons. What I call the life saving reasons. It says to depart from evil. That would be a pattern of sexual immorality, physical violence, chronic emotional coercion, life altering addictions, abandonment, in many cases severe neglect or indifference. These are people who aren’t looking for a grass is greener divorce. They are looking for relief from the chaos. They want safety, and that’s where this first myth comes in. Divorce is not universally destructive to children. The truth is, 8 in 10 kids of divorce turn out fine. With no safety. Long term, emotional, psychological, or social problems. And we’ve known that for over 30 years. Some critics are gonna misquote me, and they’re gonna say, you know, Gretchen denies kids feel any pain, sadness or grief. You know, Gretchen is claiming that kids just sail through divorce without any negative feelings at all, and, and that’s not at all what I’m saying. Anybody who’s ever been through a divorce with little children knows how tough it is. The children will feel pain and sadness, confusion and grief. Mine certainly did. They may miss the other parent or not. They may cry a lot. Mine did. Long-Term Effects Of Divorce On Kids Gretchen: But on average, kids return to their normal level of emotional health after those first two stressful years. And having those additional years of stress from moving, maybe from finding a new school, maybe from having to make new friends, are different. From saying that a kid has lifelong, long-term, serious emotional, psychological, or social problems. Now, I know what your listeners are thinking. Because I had one of those hostile divorces where my ex was using the kids to hurt me. So the stress went on way longer than two years. Because I had ten years of going through family law court, over custody issues. So, yes, in those kinds of cases, yeah, the stress and tension will continue. But here’s what’s so interesting. The early researchers found this. Here’s Dr. Mavis Hetherington, even from the 1980s and 90s, she had already tracked divorced families for 20 years. She says, in the short run, divorce is brutally painful to a child, but the negative long-term effects have been exaggerated. And that’s Dr. Mavis Hetherington from the University of Virginia. Anne: It’s so interesting to have actual statistics on this. Because abusive men, or their flying monkeys, have perpetuated this myth as a way to manipulate a woman, control and exploit her. Gretchen: Absolutely. Because it’s ingrained in our society. Even if you’re not religious, you’ve heard this all over the place that divorce universally destroys kids. The bestselling book 22 years ago was a book called The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Wallerstein. And we’ll talk about her later. But people love to quote that book because of one page in her introductory section, where she really condemns all divorces as selfish. Divorce Co-Parenting Research: Manipulation By Abusive Partners Gretchen: And wow, I still hear quotes from that page on social media now. And so I have to push back and say, well, what about these other 20 quotes from her other pages? But yes, abusers themselves manipulate us. People who believe in marriage at any cost. They don’t care how much you and the kids are destroyed. They will repeat this myth all day long. Anne: In the marriage, at any cost, they don’t care if you or the kids are destroyed. What they’re saying is we care about the consequences to him. We don’t mind so much if you have them or your kids have them. If you need support from a group of women who totally understand, sign up for Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. So myth number two. Myth 2: Kids Won’t Value Marriage After Divorce Anne: If you divorce, your kids won’t value marriage. So in other words, when they get older, they too will get divorced. By the way, I’ve never thought this because all of my friends who had divorced parents, they highly value marriage. So I have not personally seen that in my own experience. Gretchen: This is another fear bomb that especially Christian organizations will put out there, especially the ones that want you to stay married and favor the the abuser, even the pedophile over the wife and the children. Myth number two about what the Bible says about divorce is that your kids won’t value the sanctity of marriage. But the truth is that most marriages of kids from divorced homes are lifelong. In fact, most people who marry in the United States have lifelong marriages, including children of divorce. Now it is true that children from divorced homes are just a bit more likely to get divorced. The top researcher on this topic for the last, I want to say 22, 23, 24 years is, uh, from your area. He’s from the University of Utah, Dr. Nick Wolfinger. And in 2018, he said adult children of divorced parents have a 47% percent divorce rate. And those people whose parents did not divorce had a 40 percent divorce rate. In other words, there’s not a huge difference between those two groups, only 7%. So If somebody listening to this is staying just because of this myth, yeah, it’s not worth it for 7%. Anne: Did this research talk about any divorce or divorcing the person’s actual parent? Impact Of Grandparents’ Divorces Anne: So, for example, my grandpa had divorced twice before he met my grandma, but is it only talking about when they divorce the parent of the kid? Gretchen: You know, that’s a good question, and I also don’t think it has been studied, the effect of grandparents. I think it’s bio parents. Anne: My father’s dad, his entire family, more or less, like so many of them, divorced multiple times. But all their children didn’t. My parents aren’t divorced, for example, and a ton of their kids aren’t divorced. So I never had a negative feeling about divorce, just because my dad’s parents and their family had a ton of divorces. Which kind of signaled some unhealthy stuff. But the kids were like, wow, that was unhealthy. We want to be more healthy. People don’t think, hmm. Maybe they learned the opposite from their parents. https://youtube.com/shorts/F9nPIWOVW5k Gretchen: Bingo, a couple of university professors actually wanted to see if this was true. They wanted to see if different kinds of divorce affected kids differently. So if the divorce was for serious reasons, a divorce to find relief from an abusive home made a huge difference in how kids saw marriage or valued marriage. So kids whose parents got life saving divorces for serious reasons still It was unbelievable. And here’s what the researchers found. I’ll just read their last sentence. The present study suggests one set of circumstances that a parental divorce may not undermine an offspring’s commitment to marriage. If it ends and especially discordant and aversive, that means really bad, toxic, betrayal oriented, abuse oriented parental marriage. Debunking Myths About Divorce Gretchen: And that’s amazing, because we were all taught that if we divorce, we’re setting a bad example for our kids. In reality, kids know right from wrong, and kids know that marriage should be safe, loving, and respectful. Anne: Yeah, I mean, just logically speaking, it seems like kids who observe a terrible, abusive marriage, might value marriage less, because they might be like, is this what marriage is? This is a mess, I’m not into this. But if you have a parent who is like, Hey, I deserve to be treated well, and this isn’t loving and safe. So I’m gonna get divorced. The bible says marriage is supposed to be a loving and safe place. It’s interesting what we think we’re teaching our kids, but then what we would actually be logically teaching them through our example. Gretchen: They’re not under the same pressure as we are, and they know what a marriage ought to look like. And they know that an abusive marriage is no marriage at all. But she thinks she has to stay, and we’re talking about further injury, psychologically and physically. When she’s in despair, she’s been driven into depression, we’re talking about suicide, we’re talking about even homicide. Myth 3: Divorce Causes Lifelong Issues For Kids Gretchen: There are many things worse than divorce. Father’s Day is a great time for father’s rights organizations to really hammer on this myth that a two parent married home is always superior to a single parent home. And that’s absolutely not true, and it’s been proven over and over again. There are times when divorce is good for kids. And by the mid 1990s, how come no one ever told us this? Because we know that it’s the abuse and betrayal that broke the marriage. So the question becomes in people’s minds. Especially since we tend to say, well, is this abuse or is this a normal marriage with typical ups and downs? So I find that whenever I bring this up, women say, well, I don’t know, maybe I’m not in a highly toxic home. I mean, we never scream at each other. What qualifies as a highly toxic home? So researchers divided all the marriages into five categories on a spectrum, right? From safe, accepting and loving on one end to highly toxic marriages. What they said is the level four and level five marriages absolutely divorce is best for the kids. For those at like level five, it can be 10 times better for the kids. What it’s really saying is that the effects of abuse are so much worse than the effects of divorce. That the kids’ well-being was 10 times higher. Now let’s look at the next level down, what we would still call toxic homes. Those homes were at least one and a half times better in cases where the kids’ parents divorced than if they had stayed. Living In Two Different “Countries” Post-Divorce Gretchen: It’s important for us to…

Full show notes at the publisher

Our TOPPODCAST Picks

Follow Us

Stay Connected

Related Podcasts

Links

Stay Connected