Betrayal Trauma Recovery

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THIS Is the Way Narcissists Treat Their Children After Divorce Jun 04, 2024

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Are you losing sleep worrying, “How do narcissists treat their children after divorce?” Here’s 5 ways to protect your child from the toxic influence of a narcissistic father. To discover if your child is being abused by your narcissistic husband or ex, take our free emotional abuse test. 5 Ways To Help The Child Of A Narcissist: Learn why the narcissist does what he does. Invite people into your circle who can support your children. Learn how to use effective strategies and boundaries. Knowing that not having contact with an abuser is best. Create peace inside of yourself. Transcript: How Do Narcissists Treat Their Children After Divorce? Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode, we’re going to call her Rose. She reached out to me and wanted to know how narcissism affects children. So I invited her to come on the podcast and share her story. As she shares her story, I’m going to point out five ways to help the child of a narcissist. Welcome Rose. Rose: Thank you. I’m so happy to be here today. Anne: We’re grateful that you would take the time to reach out. First Way To Help The Child Of A Narcissist: Learn Why The Narcissist Does What He Does. Anne: So Rose, before you understood that your husband and then ex was a narcissist. What was going on in your home and with your kids? Rose: To start the story, I probably should have never married him in the first place. Unfortunately, I met him when I was 18, so I didn’t know anything about narcissistic people. He broke up with me a lot of times while we were dating. And I’m not sure why I stayed with him. I think I’m sort of a helping type personality. So I guess I felt like I could fix him or change him so that he treated people with kindness and respect. Anne: That’s so common for victims of narcissistic abuse, because narcissists groom victims so well they don’t understand what’s going on. So that is the first way to help the child of a narcissist: To learn why the narcissist does what he does. That’s why I wrote the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop to explain in detail. Why the narcissist does what he does. Often people think the solution is just getting to know them better and spending more time. While you’re dating, but narcissists are so good at manipulation and hiding who they are. That women can even be married to a narcissistic husband for 5, 10, 15, even 40 years, and not recognize what they’re looking at. If they don’t know what to look for. So that’s the first way. Learn about why narcissists do what they do. Rose’s Marriage & Realizations Anne: Rose, in your case, can you talk about how long you were with him before you marry and the length of your marriage? And what behaviors tipped you off that something was wrong? Rose: We dated for five years. Then we were married for 18. He didn’t help much with the kids. He was always angry. I saw the effects of his yelling on the kids. They were afraid of him. And never knew when he was going to blow up. They were afraid of men. It was like walking on eggshells. And I really didn’t trust him around the children. Honestly, like if he watched TV, he wouldn’t be watching the children. I started realizing it wasn’t a healthy relationship, probably when the kids entered kindergarten. That somehow I needed to get out of there, and I wasn’t sure how. I had no relatives around, so it was really hard for me. I didn’t even consider it for a long time. But then one night he got really, really angry with the kids for breaking something. And when I tried to intervene, he almost threw a screwdriver at me. That was the breaking point. So I took my kids, I took some clothes and photography equipment, and left. Unfortunately, we stayed in the same neighborhood as him. Because I wanted to keep everything the same for the kids, I found a teaching job. But over the next couple of years, it was a struggle for me to teach full-time and help my children get the support and help they needed. Because all three of them had issues, and probably their biggest issue is self esteem, relating to being a child of a narcissist. Low Self-Esteem For A Child Of A Narcissist Anne: Talk about why his behavior affected their self-esteem, the types of things that a child of a narcissist would experience, and then how they reacted to it and internalized it. Rose: Well, as a narcissist, he was always right. He did not listen to anything they said. He would call them names and belittle them. If they had a problem, he would just ignore it, or he would make them feel bad for even having a problem. I remember one time my middle daughter had lice, and he literally just ripped the comb through her hair. He was so angry at her for having that, trying to get the little nits out of her head, and just ripped out her hair in the process. You never knew what was going to set him off. Because of that, they all have low self-esteem, because they can never win over his trust and never had his support. My two oldest daughters used to play field hockey, and he never wanted them to play on a travel team. Once we separated, he wouldn’t go to their games. He refused to pay for any of that. He still really doesn’t go to their games. They just knew that he did not support them. If they got a good grade on a paper, even now, if they make the honor roll or they’re in all honors classes, they don’t even tell him because they know he just really doesn’t care. First Way To Help: Understanding Narcissism Rose: He withholds love. So if he gets angry at them, normally every night he says good night to them through a text, so he won’t text them good night. He’ll just ignore them for a few days or a week. And then it leaves them wondering, “What did I do wrong?” Or why is Dad mad at me? Or why is he not communicating and saying he loves me? Anne: Oh, I’m so sorry. Poor kids. That is so heartbreaking. Yeah, when you face this with your kids, knowing why they do what they do is key. Because if you know why the narcissist is acting this way toward your children, it can help you know what to do. So, again, the number one way to help the child of a narcissist is to learn why that narcissist is acting the way he is. And again, the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop takes women through that step-by-step, so that you know exactly what’s going on. And you’re just now learning about the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop, which I’m so excited for you to go through. Now that you’ll have access, let’s talk about the things that you felt like you succeeded at, even without knowing strategy. What did you find helpful? Second Way To Help A Child Of A Narcissist: Invite People Into Your Circle Who Can Support Your Children Rose: I work as a teacher in a city school. And so I work with children who have been abused mentally and physically, and I’ve had some trauma training. One of the biggest things we learned is that when the kids come in, no matter what their age, if they have had a rough night, they might need to talk to somebody, or they might need to take a nap, or whatever they’re dealing with, you as a teacher need to realize. Hey, something happened with this child. They might not be up to steam today to do this, that, and the other thing. And so if my kids had an issue with their dad, and it was something that had made them cry the whole night before, or just out of sorts, for whatever reason, I would email their teacher and let them know. “Hey, this is happening with their dad. Can you please keep your eye out, are they okay?” I would ask if they need to talk to somebody, like a therapist at school. Even in high school, I did that. https://youtube.com/shorts/tOMv_cos0vE Anne: So this is the second way to help the child of a narcissist. I’m going to talk about strategy in a minute. because when you do it, you need to do it strategically. One of the things I found problematic was when my children described to people the abuse that they were experiencing. Challenges With External Support Anne: Some people would respond by saying to my children. “Oh, well, your dad loves you very much.” And I was like, please don’t tell my children that the abuser loves them, because I don’t want them confused about what love feels like. So I would say, “Oh, you are absolutely lovable, but I’m so sorry. He’s not capable of love. That’s not what love should look like or feel like.” Having adults who understand that around your kids, so that they can support them to help them know. “It’s not, you. You are a wonderful, awesome kid. Your dad has some brain problems, and he’s not capable of seeing how amazing you are.” The second way to help the child of a narcissist is to invite people into your circle who can support your children. But only invite the people who understand this type of abuse. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop has a section about how to find healthy people to help your kids. It includes step-by-step instructions about how to find these safe people, because we’ve all experienced when unsafe, unhealthy people make it worse for our kids. How old are your kids now? Rose: They’re 18, 16, and 13. They’re supposed to see him every other weekend, but the 18 year old now is off on her own at college, and once they turn 18 where I live, they don’t have to have a set schedule. My middle daughter is supposed to go every other weekend, but she hasn’t gone in months because she has a job, and she makes sure that she’s working on those weekends. Preferential Treatment Of One Child Rose: Now, my son is the golden child. The narcissist usually has a golden child. So I think he is the one that my ex-husband feels closest to. And so he treats him the best. He buys him things, and so he still goes because he’s only 13 and can’t drive yet or anything. But my daughter, who went to college, she’s 18, my ex-husband, didn’t pay for anything. He didn’t pay for anything for the dorm room, he didn’t buy any books. He told her he’s just not paying for any of it, and he’s not. So it’s like he’s just dropped her, he doesn’t support her in any way. Which of course still affects her self-esteem. Anne: Yeah. And that goes back to the number one way to help the child of a narcissist. Because if you understand that they just discard anyone, who’s not “useful” to them. So when a narcissist dad can use his child to make himself look good. And take them to church, and everyone at church thinks he’s a good dad, or take them to a family party, or even just to the grocery store. He can just walk up and down the aisle with this kid, and people smile and tell him, “Oh, you’re such a good dad.” Then great, he’s got a use for them. But when he perceives that the children aren’t useful for his image or aren’t useful in some other way, he loses interest in his own children or anyone else really quickly. Third Way To Help The Child Of A Narcissist: Learn How To Use Effective Strategies and Boundaries Rose: Right. It affects the children. I just feel so bad for any children of a narcissistic parent. Because I see what my kids are going through, and they all have anxiety, all three of them. It’s a long road ahead, because all three are people pleasers. They’re just dying for his attention. Which makes me sad. Anne: It is sad. It’s heartbreaking to see these kids try to get blood out of a turnip. Yeah. So the third way to help the children of a narcissist is to learn how to use effective strategies and boundaries. So back when my children were dealing with their father’s narcissistic abuse, I was praying and praying because I’ve experienced his post divorce abuse for eight years. And my children were also being abused this whole time. I was fighting a narcissist for custody. It was horrific. So in my prayers, I asked the question. What strategies do I need to know and implement that will completely deliver my children from this abuse and also deliver me? And this is actually where the strategies I teach in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshopcame from. back before I put them into the workshop. When I discovered them, I implemented the strategies. And they worked. It was like a miracle. I was able to completely deliver my children from his narcissistic abuse. That was eight years post divorce. So it took me a while to figure it out. And then I was like, is this just a fluke? Is this just me? So I tested the strategies with other Sheroes to see if it would work with them. And we were able to duplicate that success. The women I worked with reported back to me that these strategies helped them. Rose’s Experience With Boundaries Anne: So even though you don’t know the strategies in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop yet. Can you talk about your own experiments with boundaries so far? Rose: I did not have boundaries. I am so sad to say that I did not even realize what boundaries were until a couple of years after I left him. I was just kind of in a fog. After you deal with a narcissist for a while, you just are dead inside. I just try to not let him upset me. But what’s happened is that he won’t respond to anything, a text, an email, nothing. And so if there’s a problem with the children, it has to go through my son . With my oldest daughter, especially when he ignores her or attempts to manipulate her, we have very open communication in our family. And so all three kids talk to me all the time, and especially about him, if they have an issue or problem. And so I will flat out tell her, look, he’s trying to manipulate you. You need to stick to whatever your original plan was, or tell him how you feel. And sometimes he won’t respond to her. Anne: Yeah, that’s why the third way to help your children when dealing with a narcissist is to have boundaries yourself. So that they can see your example and see boundaries in action. Because time and time again, narcissists continue to try to hurt us. They never give up trying to cause chaos and harm. Rose: How do you deal with that? Handling Abusive Communication Rose: Like when my ex-husband actually sends me something, it usually sets me off, because either the tone or whatever he’s saying, it’s not nice. When you hear those lies, how do you not get upset about it? Anne: It makes sense that it sets you off, because when he sends that, it’s actually another abuse episode. The intent is to hurt you. It’s impossible not to be harmed when you’re being abused. And that’s what’s happening. Your desire to prove what’s true. To confront him about all his lies. That is the most natural form of resistance to abuse. So you’ve historically been doing everything right, because the entire time you’ve been resisting his abuse. You just didn’t understand that there were things that were a little more effective, but I don’t want you to blame yourself, because you’ve always been resisting the abuse. You’ve always been trying to protect yourself. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop covers the different ways of thinking about the situation to shield your mind and your emotions from the harm. And the strategic ways to respond to these messages. Yeah, but the answer is if he’s still using his messages to abuse you, which is exactly what’s happening in your case. You’re going to be harmed every single time. There’s no way to be abused and not be harmed. Fourth Way To Help A Child Of A Narcissist: Knowing That Not Having Contact With An Abuser Is Best Anne: Does that resonate with your experience? Rose: Yeah, he did a lot of gaslighting. So something would happen. He would deny it, and I would keep fighting to get him to say, Oh, okay. I see your side. Yeah, you’re right. But of course, that never happened. And I’m still kind of like that. I want him to acknowledge the truth and it really drives me crazy. It really upsets me. Anne: Totally, totally. The strategies in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop help ground you in reality. Women say it’s night and day difference between that and what they were trying to do before. Rose: Right, well, I could do that if he actually contacted me, but.…

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Can My Husband Change? 9 Crucial Patterns To Watch For May 28, 2024

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Many women desperately want to know, “Can my husband change?” The short answer is yes. The long answer is, it’s extremely complicated. If you’re interested in observing from a place of emotional safety to see if this will happen, you’ll need strategies to keep you emotionally safe. If you need help understanding if your husband is changing, learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Support Sessions. We understand the deep desire to have a peaceful home. Anne shares that once you’ve established emotional safety, here are the 9 signs to watch for to see if your husband is changing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jf3qujhSwdk 9 Signs Your Husband Can Change If you’re looking for signs your husband can change, this is what you’d be looking for. Without any prompting from you, a therapist, or anyone else, has your husband Acknowledged his lies and manipulation? Admitted all of it was a choice he made. And that he made that wrong choice over and over? Explained all the ways he used false justifications? Stopped denying and minimizing? Shown empathy naturally, without being taught by a therapist, prompted, or reading a script? Proven through his actions and words that your needs are equal to his? Begun making a living amends for all the damage he’s caused, and he continues to make amends for years. He continually brings up the damage he’s caused to you, asks about how you’re feeling and what he can do for you. Then he follows through and does what you ask. It’s something he brings up often? Accepted the consequences of his behavior? Given up his exploitative privilege? 9 Signs Your Husband Isn’t Changing, He… Criticizes you for considering him capable of behaving abusively (even though he has been abusive). Reminds you about the bad things he would have done in the past, but isn’t doing any more, which amounts to threatening you. Tells you that you’re taking too long to make up your mind. And that he “can’t” wait forever. Which amounts a threat. Which is coercion. Blames his behavior, the situation or his choices on you, even in the most subtle way. Says “I’m changing” to get you to do something you feel uncomfortable about. Claims he can only change if you change too. Whines that you need to help him change by giving him emotional support. Or anything else that makes his non-abusiveness dependent on you. Criticizes you for not realizing how much he’s changed. Condemns you if you doubt the change will last. Transcript: Can My Husband Change? 9 Things To Observe Anne: So it’s just me today, and I’m here to admit that I believe people can change. If someone decides to become a different person, they can change their character through choices and actions. Because I believe people can change, and so do most victims. The most common thing in the world for a victim to do is wonder or ask, “Can my husband change?” Or even “What are the signs my husband changing?” We often ask these questions long before we even wonder what’s going on with him. And so we might talk to him about what’s going on, or we might go to couple therapy. Because psychologically abusive husbands are expert manipulators. He’s been manipulating us and everyone around him for years. So there’s only one way to know if he’s actually changing, and that’s observing his actions from a safe distance. Because when we confront our husband about his behavior, he’s going to kick his manipulation into high gear. And at this point, they’re either going to be very threatening, angry and scary. Which is the most obvious sign that he’s not changing. Or they may manipulate us in a way that feels good to us. False Promises & Therapy Anne: This could include committing, never to do it again. When really, he just means he’s going to hide it better. Often they promise to start going to therapy, and they actually go to therapy, but that doesn’t help. That just means he’s an abusive man going to therapy time and time again. We see that therapy does not help an abusive man change. More often, it just solidifies the justifications he’s used for being abusive. He might promise to attend 12-step. He might even start attending 12 step meetings. But again, going to 12-step therapy is not a sign that he’s changing or even willing to change. It’s only a sign that he’s going to therapy or 12-step, that’s it. He might even partially or fully admit to what he’s done and the hurt he’s caused you, and apologize. But are his actions changing? Saying I can change or want to change is not the same as actual change. And if he has not changed. And it’s not safe to treat him as if he’s safe, because you deserve safety. The Clarity After Betrayal Workshop is the best guide for teaching you how to establish safety without talking to him about his behavior. You can then observe from a safe distance to see if he’s doing any of these nine things on his own, without you showing him this list, without you bringing any of this up. Let me share a part of my story with you. Personal Story: Seven Years Of False Change Anne: For seven years. I thought my husband was willing to “change” and I thought he was changing. He was getting better and better at grooming over time. He was really holding me back. The therapy he was going to was increasing his ability to use therapy – speak and sound healthier when he wasn’t actually healthy. After seven years of doing this, he sprained my fingers and was arrested for domestic violence. When I met with my victim advocate. I told her, “My husband isn’t the typical abuser. He cares so much about me. He cares about our family. If anyone can change, he can.” Now note I’m saying this after he’s been “changing” already for seven years and hadn’t changed at all. In fact, he was worse. I had even wondered if my husband had an anger problem. https://www.btr.org/husband-have-an-anger-problem/ She looked at me like, “Wow, you have a lot to learn.” And she advised me to learn about abuse. But I was nervous, because I thought he needed to fix a few things. As I learned more and more, I learned he was the typical abuser, and it was shocking and heartbreaking. Observing Without Interaction Anne: At that point, I decided to take a step back, stop seeking safety through managing his therapy, and observe him from a safe distance without talking to him. And as I did that. I absolutely could see with my own eyes. That he was not doing any of these nine things. And before I share them with you, it’s super, super important that you do not give this to your husband. That you don’t listen to this episode and think, “Oh, my word, I have to have my husband listen to this. I’m going to give it to him.” if you tell them to do these things, and he does them, that’s just more manipulation. These are things he must do on his own, without knowing about them. So as I share these with you, I’ll share parts of my own story. So you can see how I could observe these from a safe distance, without talking to my husband about them. Now I know so many of you are still in the same home with him. And so you might think, well, this doesn’t apply to me because I’m still in the same home. In my workshop. I teach women how to separate themselves emotionally from him. Even if you’re living in the same home, it’s basically how to separate yourself from his false reality manufactured for you. So that you can live in reality and observe from reality. So these examples are from my particular situation. Where I had a protective order and didn’t talk to him, but they work in any situation. So keep that in mind. 1st Sign Your Husband Is Changing: Acknowledging Lies & Manipulation Anne: These are the nine signs your husband is changing, without you talking to him at all. Number one, he identifies through his actions all the lies, infidelity, manipulation, and coercion. Also directly tells you that it was wrong for him to choose to do that with no excuses. This includes acknowledging through his actions that every lie, every time he manipulated your emotions, and every time he coerced you to do something, he knew it wasn’t good for you. But he chose to do it anyway. This includes your husband lying about small things. In my case, I wasn’t talking to him because I had a protective order. Instead of identifying all the lies, infidelity, manipulation, and directly telling me and other people that it was wrong for him to choose that. He was lying about what happened. He told people it was an accident, when I knew that was not the case. People would talk to me and say, hey, I talked to Chuck, I’m going to call him Chuck. I talked to Chuck and he said, this, this and this. None of it was true. All of it showed that he definitely did not identify infidelity, manipulation and coercion, and tell anybody it was wrong. In fact, he was trying to get them to gaslight me from afar. 2nd Sign Your Husband Can Change: Acknowledge Choices Anne: Okay. Number two. Acknowledge that his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control. Not a result of an addiction, not caused by something else, and that he did it to maintain control over your perceptions of him from the beginning. As my husband told people why he was not living in the home anymore. Why he lived at his grandparents’ house. He never mentioned any of the traumatic things he did before. He never acknowledged that all his behavior was a choice, including when he lied to me about his porn use before we got married. And didn’t say a word of it to anybody else. Instead, he kept saying “She won’t talk to me. How am I supposed to improve our marriage if she won’t talk to me.” He never actually said to them why I would not talk to him. That was a huge clue to me that he was not changing. 3rd Sign Your Husband Can Change: Explaining Justifications Anne: Number three, explaining to you and everyone else in great detail how all the reasons used to justify his choice to abuse you were lies. That would include admitting that blaming you for any of it was also manipulation. That would include reevaluating his distorted image of you. Including his tendency to focus on and exaggerate your weaknesses, and his grievances against you. And setting the record straight with anyone he’s misled about you. So that means telling you and every single person around him the truth about all the lies, excuses, and reasons he’s used to cover up all the lies, excuses, and reasons. They lie initially, and then they lie to cover it up. So this is uncovering all those things, and he would fully admit all that to you and everybody around you. In my case, he just kept focusing on my weaknesses and his grievances against me. And they kept growing and growing. At first, I was just controlling. Then I became a liar, then abusive, and then I was an emotional blackmailer. I mean, I just became worse and worse over time. He wasn’t saying, “Hey all these years, I’ve made her seem like she was a little intense. When she was reacting perfectly for what I was putting her through.” So I knew he was digging deeper to his exploitative privilege. And people believed him, especially his family. It was like a horror show. Most abusive husbands don’t make it past step three. But if they do those three things, here are the other six things they would also need to do. 4th Sign Your Husband Can Change: Stops Denying & Minimizing Anne: Number 4, stop denying and minimizing all of it. Including discrediting your memories and perceptions about what happened. So he would say, “I discredited your memory and perception to manipulate you to not believe reality.” He would say something like that to you and everybody around you. Now, if you’re thinking at this point, “He would never do that. I would definitely need to get him to the right therapist to teach them how to do this.” He’s not changing. That’s the answer. They don’t need to go to therapy. They don’t need someone to tell them. People have told them don’t lie, have integrity, don’t manipulate people and be honest. They don’t need a therapist to tell them this. They know how to do the right thing they choose not to, because their exploitative privilege brings benefits to them, and they do not want to give those up. So if right now, while I’m listing these out, you’re thinking he would never do that. Someone would have to teach him or get him to do it. That is your answer. That is your husband’s character. And he chose this character. From all the little choices he makes every day. Until this is who he is. I remember this phase of trying to get to safety so well. I was resisting abuse by thinking my husband didn’t know better. And so we went to so much therapy. We went to pornography addiction recovery. I got him into all the best programs. He loved the idea of me thinking he just needed help. Because that kept me trapped. He did not want me to know that he already knew. That’s so hard. Especially when he’s manipulated us and lied to us to make us believe he’s somebody different. 5th Sign Your Husband Can Change: Showing Empathy Anne: Number five is shown in great detail through his actions, how his emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, and physical abuse affected you and your children. And shown empathy about how much he harmed you, without mentioning how hard it’s been for him. Without mentioning anything about himself. So as I am waiting from a safe distance to see if my husband is changing. He’s talking with friends and family. They reported back to me that as he talked with him. He talked all about how he was having such a hard time, how he was depressed. How he was trying so hard and I wouldn’t help him. But he never once asked them how I was doing. If I was okay or if I needed anything. One time he did message me because he was messaging me about the kids. And said, what can I do? My daughter had lost her earring when she was with him. And I said, “Pay for the $20 earring she lost at your house.” And he went on a big rant about how she shouldn’t have got her ears pierced. When she had her ears pierced three years before that. And he never said a word about it at that time. So I was like, he won’t even pay for an earring. Examples Of Lack Of Empathy Anne: Because I wasn’t doing anything for him at all. I was just observing from a safe distance. He told one person, “She’s literally doing nothing. She does nothing all day.” He didn’t realize what he was saying because he wasn’t parenting the kids. He wasn’t looking after the house. I was single parenting, three young children ages six, three, and one by myself. All the childcare, all the bill paying, everything. And then he shut down my bank accounts. So I was also making sure that we had food, making sure that we were taken care of. I was doing so much. And for him to tell someone, “She literally does nothing all day.” Was an indication to me that it was just about him. He had no sense of who I was separate from him. Because I wasn’t doing anything for him. He perceived that I wasn’t doing anything at all. All this to say, He was constantly telling people how he felt and what he was going through. Never seemed concerned about what I was going through and how I was doing. 6th Sign Your Husband Can Change: Your Needs Are Equal To His Anne: Number six demonstrates that you have rights and they are equal to his. So if he’s complained all the time about how his sexual needs aren’t being met at this time. He would say something like “I realized you have the right to not have sex and you have the need not to have sex. And that’s just as equal as my desire to have sex. We are equal. I don’t know how to resolve it. But because they’re equal. I can’t trump you.” This actually reminds me of the first time I found out that he was using pornography. And he was in pornography addiction, recovery, and he told me he was changing and I was believing him at the time. So this was years before his arrest. He said, “Hey, I have a right to privacy. And so I don’t want you to tell people that I’ve been using pornography.” And…

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Is My Husband Emotionally Abusive? – Brandi’s Story May 21, 2024

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Like many women, Brandi found herself asking, “Is my husband emotionally abusive?” The ramifications of learning this can seem overwhelming. To find out if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse test. 1. Your Husband Is Emotionally Abusive If He Lies Emotional abuse victims state that his constant lying is one of the worst parts of his emotional abuse. Lies are emotionally abusive, because hiding the truth from you is one way he manipulates your emotions. This emotional manipulation is calculated to control the narrative and maintain his ability to exploit you. Lying is not just stating the opposite of something you know to be true. There are many different kinds of lies that emotionally abusive husband’s use: Lies of commission: this is a lie that is blatant. “I didn’t use pornography yesterday” (when he did use pornography yesterday). Lies of omission: he used pornography yesterday, you didn’t ask or discover anything to ask about, and he didn’t disclose it to you. This is a form of lying just as serious as a lie of commission. It is also marital coercion. Detraction: this is a powerful and manipulative form of lying. This involves telling some of the truth while also inserting some kind of emotion that detracts from what he has just said. “I only used pornography for an hour yesterday. Aren’t you proud of me? I was so excited to tell you because that’s the shortest amount of time I’ve ever used it and I’m making progress. I’m going to call my sponsor, I know he’ll be so happy for me, just like you are!” Fine-Grain lies: he knows what you are asking, because he intentionally withholds the truth: “I didn’t use pornography yesterday.” (when he did use it TODAY). Exaggeration: yes, exaggeration in the hands of an emotional abuser is absolutely a form of lying. It’s a way to dumb down the abusive behavior and withhold important truth from the partner. “I only used pornography for ten minutes yesterday” (when he used it for hours). Any other form of manipulation or withholding of truth. When your partner says or does anything to deceive you from knowing or fully understanding the entire truth, he’s lying to you. Any time that he obstructs you from discerning the truth, he is lying to you. Lying is emotional abuse. 2. Blaming: What Your Husband Uses to Emotionally Abuse You After discovering betrayal, women will often look at themselves to determine what they did to cause the betrayal. An emotionally abusive husband will use this as an opportunity to manipulate his wife into thinking it’s her fault. He’ll blame her to: Avoid responsibility and accountability Pretend like he’s a victim of his own pornography use or other abusive behaviors Lie and tell her she’s emotionally abusive to him – which caused him to use pornography. Gaslighting is another covert way he may blame you for the emotional abuse. This is tactic where the emotionally abusive husband systematically undermines his wife’s reality to make her think it’s her fault in some way. If he’s created a narrative to alter your reality, you’re being emotionally abused. If you think he’s gaslighting you, enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to determine what’s really going on. 3. Justification: How He Makes His Emotional Abuse Make Sense A husband who is emotionally abusive knows his behavior is wrong. For example, everyone knows that it’s wrong to yell at another person unless you are truly protecting them from danger. An emotionally abusive husband will raise his voice to asserts his entitlement or other exploitative privileges. However, he’ll justify that this bad behavior wasn’t wrong with any or every excuse possible. He’s Emotionally Abusing You When He Justifies The Abuse Justification is another way they can alter your perception of what is going on. For example, he may say things like, “It’s just porn. It’s not a real person so it’s not that bad. It’s not cheating. I’m a man, so I can’t help it. I have a high sex drive and besides, all men look at it. It’s a guy thing. It’s what they do. I only do it a few times a month. It’s not a problem.” At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we believe that every woman deserves emotional safety. You don’t have to do this alone. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Transcript: 3 Compelling Reasons To Learn About Abuse Anne: We’re going to cover three compelling reasons to learn about hidden abuse today. I’m going to lay them out for you right now really quick. Number one, learn about emotional and psychological abuse, so that your emotional safety is the top priority. Number two, an emotional and psychological abuser will use forgiveness as a weapon. And number three, learning about emotional and psychological abuse doesn’t create emotional and psychological abuse. And we’ll go into detail about why those things are important throughout this conversation. Anne: Let’s start with how you found Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Terrified About & Finding That Betrayal Trauma Recovery Is Safe Brandi: I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery as a woman who had just experienced my own betrayal, but then I was nervous. I was nervous. I did not know. I said, is this place real? Is it safe? I had no clue. I was terrified of contacting a group of people I did not know, especially when there are so many groups out there. And so I put it off. One therapist said it was the marriage’s fault. What was my husband missing from the marriage? Delve into him. Why did he have an affair? And I fought that with tooth and nail. I never surrendered to that idea one time. And so I didn’t realize that as I was fighting through those codependent ideas. He could just simply blame the marriage, which meant he was blaming me. Which had him not taking full responsibility. I never surrendered to that idea and am so grateful. So I would fight it, fight it, fight it. I just wanted to heal and even understand what happened. After going through a codependent model through therapy, I knew that wasn’t it. I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery again. I said, well, you know what? What do I have to lose? I will try it out. And I’m going to get on this session right away. Best decision I made. I learned I needed to be in safety at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. And that’s what the codependent model did not teach me. I learned that in the codependent model, you communicate that boundary. And then he’s just gonna magically do what you say. Because clearly he’s gonna do it now that he’s betrayed the relationship. 1. Learn About Abuse So That Emotional Safety Is The Top Priority Brandi: Actually, it’s the opposite. He betrayed the relationship because of his character. He is boundless, so he’s not gonna respect the boundaries. My first session, I didn’t say anything. So I was just listening and seeing if these women are safe. That was my biggest thing. Are these women safe? Am I in the right betrayal trauma support group? I found that was the first thing. I found the rules of the group were for our safety. The coach was just full of education and yet she didn’t tell us what to do. She just simply asked us questions. She asked the other ladies questions, and the ladies were safe to cry. They were safe to talk about vulnerable topics, and they were safe to wade through the questions. Their emotional abuse survivor stories were incredible. They learn about abuse and get to a place where they are enlightened. I saw women at different stages of their recovery. I saw where I was and where I wanted to be. And I thought that that was so powerful for my first session. And so I learned that it’s my job to keep myself safe, and that’s exactly what I did after that. Anne: Well, I’m grateful that you found us. I’m grateful when any woman finds us, because the first reason to learn about emotional and psychological abuse is that your safety needs to be the top priority. Your emotional safety, your psychological safety. Many people think when I say safety, I mean, like pack up your bags and leave the house. And that’s actually not what I’m talking about. Learn About Abuse To Find Strategies To Deal With It Anne: There are ways to be emotionally safe remaining in the same home, if that’s what you so choose. There are so many amazing strategies, and I teach them in the Living Free Workshop, and then our coaches can help you learn to use these strategies. We get so many messages and stories that say I had been through therapy for years or went to couple therapy or addiction recovery. And nobody ever said the word abuse. They don’t say you need to learn about abuse. Did you recognize his behaviors as abuse at the beginning of your marriage? Brandi: Absolutely not. I pretty much grew up around manipulation tactics and stonewalling. That was actually very common for me. So I thought that’s what marriage was about. And so I would tackle it head on. It wasn’t something I didn’t address. I definitely addressed it, and I thought, oh, we’re good. We talked about it. And so I didn’t recognize it as abuse. And I was shocked when I learned the word abuse properly, because I would only think about abuse in terms of physical abuse. I did not think of it in terms of emotional or psychological, although throughout the marriage, I addressed it because I knew it wasn’t right. And it did not leave me feeling like I was being valued. Anne: Yeah, you knew something was wrong. When did you recognize that these typical, you know, love, serve, forgive, do your part kinds of things weren’t working? It Is Difficult To Recognize The Reality Of Abuse Brandi: I realized that after Betrayal Trauma Recovery. I remember my second group meeting when I opened up and they started giving us tools and books. I remember I put the book down and ran to the mirror. And I was like, oh my, I’ve been abused. I stayed up late after all my children went to bed, and I just sat with that. I sat with that and I’m like, this is abuse. This is why it is wrong. This is what I felt this whole time, and yet did not have the word for it. You had to forgive, you serve, we talk about it, then you’re okay. But it never went away. That was the key. And I certainly was never encouraged to create safety for myself. Like, you know, this means you’re safe, you’re married. This is safety. And so that’s when I finally realized, wait a minute, this is abuse. And now I can look back and say that was abuse throughout the marriage. Anne: Why do you think it’s so hard for women to recognize that what they’re experiencing is abuse? Brandi: The hardest thing is, this is someone I love. This is your husband, and this is who you love. And so it’s hard to associate. I’ve been loving this person who has been abusing me. This person is my husband, and he is an abuser. That is so hard to reconcile those two things when you learn about abuse. 2. An Emotional And Psychological Abuser Will Use Forgiveness As A Weapon Anne: Especially when everything about love is trying to understand someone’s view, give them the benefit of the doubt, and serve them. And when so many of those things, when you’re in an abusive situation, are used as weapons. Even your emotions, because abusers don’t see emotion as a way to connect, they see emotion as a way to manipulate people. And so even those emotional times where you thought maybe you were close once you got out of the fog, whoa, I shared those things. Then my husband used them to groom me and use them as weapons. And that is so shocking to so many women when they finally realize what is going on. And learn about abuse. Brandi: Absolutely. Absolutely. It’s hard to accept that as reality, absolutely. Anne: So one of the things that you love talking about, which I’m going to just preface this word carefully, because it’s a very triggering word for people. Because a lot of clergy use it as a weapon against victims, and then also therapists use it as a weapon. Maybe the abuser’s family uses this word as a weapon. And so let’s say the word. Everyone kind of brace yourself. Here we go. It’s forgiveness. The second reason to learn about abuse is that an emotional and psychological abuser will use forgiveness as a weapon. Anne: So people will say, well, you just need to forgive or he’s changed when he hasn’t. Determination Of What I Am Forgiving Brandi: Clergy, their pastor, their small group leader, they go to their family, some of their friends even. And they say what happens, and that scripture is used, you must forgive, you must forgive. And I’m like, what exactly am I forgiving? Because, okay, am I forgiving the acting out? Okay, but what caused the acting out? What informed my husband to betray me. And informed him to commit adultery? What informed him to watch exploitative material? What informed him to be unkind to only me? Also what informed him to abuse me? And ask them directly, is that what I’m forgiving? Is it that, or just the acting out? And where do we engage with who that person is, who my husband is, and what he has done to me? And I believe when that question is asked, that is the place where true healing is for the victim of abuse. Because you’re saying, “Well, this is who you are, and what you’ve done to me. I’m accepting who you are.” I do have to move forward in time, but only after I have all the information and learn about abuse, and is that being addressed? It’s who he is being addressed and what he’s done. Is that being addressed? Or are you just using forgiveness as a weapon against me? And trying to fast forward me when I’ve been a victim and injured by his behavior, by his abuse. I’m injured, and you’re telling me to forgive when he has not even been addressed on who he is. The Necessity Of Boundaries When You Learn About Abuse Brandi: And for me, the violations against scripture, he violated God’s word. He violated God. He violated our family. And so I have to know who that person is, and then I’ll be on the journey to forgiveness. Anne: So let me see if I can restate. To forgive him, you have to acknowledge the truth, which is this is abuse. I know you’re an abuser. I’m forgiving you for being an abuser. Now that I know you’re an abuser and can forgive you, I need to also make sure I am safe from you. Because now that I know what you are, I can forgive and move on by setting boundaries, by making sure I’m as safe as possible, et cetera, et cetera. So am I correctly stating that? Brandi: You are stating that absolutely correctly. Because once you delve into who he is, and learn about abuse, you know what you are actually forgiving. His Willful Decisions Are Dangerous To Emotional, Psychological & Spiritual Health Brandi: Number one, the hope is pastors, friends, clerks say, wait a minute, hold up. I’m actually not safe. His core of who he is has informed him to make these decisions to abuse. That is a choice. That was his willful decision. And she absolutely needs to get to a place of safety. That’s the hope. And if they don’t, then for the woman, wife, betrayed victim, it’s saying, wait a minute, hold up. That is who he is. I absolutely need to be in a place of safety. It does not automatically mean it’ll be reconciliation. That’ll be for the offender to do the work of changing his core of who he is. He has to reform who he is. But it does say, Hey, I need to be safe where there’s some separation. If you cannot leave, you wrap yourself in bubble wrap. You know exactly who you’re dealing with and learn about abuse. And you don’t have any surprises. You know exactly who he is. But now you know, that’s not lost on you or anyone else. And you know, your safety, the safety of your family is the primary focus. That’s what I mean when I say, what are you forgiving? Because that puts the highlight on who he is. Anne: Forgiveness is, I wouldn’t say, impossible, but very difficult without boundaries. Boundaries and safety enable that forgiveness. And it’s also part of this radical acceptance that everybody’s tal…

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Is Lying Emotional Abuse? What No One Told You Until Now May 14, 2024

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If you’ve discovered your husband lies, you’re probably asking, “Is lying emotional abuse?” Is Lying Emotional Abuse? 3 Things 1. If His Lying Makes You Question Reality, It’s Not “Just Lying” If interactions with your husband leave you confused or second-guessing your memory, that’s not normal conflict. That’s your mind trying to make sense of two competing realities: what you see and what he says. If, so keep reading. It’s likely that his lies are a form of emotional abuse. 2. If His Lying Is Ongoing and Tactical, It’s Control It’s important to watch for patterns. If his deception is ongoing and long term, it’s been a way to control you’re perceptions. This form of control is sustained and designed to maintain a double life. Lying in this way is emotional abuse because it manipulates your emotions and decisions. 3. If His Lying Benefits Him and Harms You… If he’s lied to keep you from discovering things that are hurting you, like infidelity, secret money decisions, or anything else, he’s choosing to benefit from your lack of informed consent. At that point, the question “Is lying emotional abuse?” stops being theoretical. It becomes painfully obvious. To see if his lies amount to emotional abuse, take my free emotional abuse test. Many victims blame themselves while trying to understand the chaos. But the truth is simple. He chose to lie. He chose to manipulate. The responsibility is his. Whether He Has a Diagnosis Or Not, Lying Is Emotionally Abusive While some abusers may blame their lying on an addiction or even a mental illness, know that’s not true. He can choose to be honest no matter what his circumstances are.If you’re experiencing this and need support, join our daily support group for betrayal trauma. Transcript: Is Lying Emotional Abuse? Anne: I have Kelly, a victim of emotional abuse on today’s episode. She was a victim of financial abuse and also coercion. She’s going to share her story. And although Kelly and I are both Christian, we know that many listeners to this podcast aren’t. BTR is interfaith and inner paradigm. We welcome everyone. We also invite everyone to share their own personal experience. So as you hear us mention our belief in God, it’s not to offend or to proselytize, but just because we’re sharing from our own experience. And if you’re interested in sharing your experience from whatever faith perspective or paradigm you ascribe to. I would be honored to hear your story. So contact me at podcast@btr.org to set up an interview. Okay, let’s start with your story. Anne: Did you recognize your husband’s abusive behaviors at first? Kelly: I certainly did not. In fact, it was probably about three and a half years into our marriage before someone first told me they could be considered abuse. Up until that point, I had always known that abuse in my mind involved physical violence. And that was not at play in my marriage. I never had any bruises or anything like that. And so while I knew things were not good and it was a difficult relationship, I thought that’s all it was. That you marry for better or worse. And that we went through many of the worst times is what it seemed like. Anne: During that time, where you didn’t recognize the abuse, were you aware of exploitative materials use or any other consent issues related to your relationship? Discovering The Double Life Kelly: A few months after we married, it became evident that I had married someone living a double life. There were huge and extreme lies, and I didn’t know that lying was emotionally abusive. It was about four weeks into our marriage when I first discovered all these. The one day stands out in my mind started out just like any other day. I grabbed my things and went to work. He is in his last semester of undergraduate studies and is graduating in just a few months after we married. And I got to work, and a little later I realized my charger for my laptop is back at the house. https://youtu.be/j8CvkDrWyRc When Is Lying Emotional Abuse? So I finished meeting with a client, and ran home to grab it. I walked in the front door, he was sitting on the couch in the living room, and I was confused. Because I knew he should be in classes at that time. So I had no idea why he was there. And obviously, I jumped a little bit when I opened the door, not thinking anyone would be there. And I said, what are you doing here? He was flustered, and he starts mumbling about how he has a big test coming up for school that he needs to study for. So he skipped classes to focus on that. And I remember in my head thinking, Well, the semester just started a few weeks ago. He should not be at that point yet, of needing to skip things to study for an exam when he’s only had class for a few weeks. But, like I said, it was kind of in the middle of a work day. I needed to get back to work, so I just said, Alright, we’ll talk about it later, and left. Not Knowing: Is Lying Emotional Abuse? Kelly: It took around two months to figure out what was going on. And I knew that he had a history of not doing well in school, so I was immediately concerned and worried about it. And really, every time I tried to talk to him, he never had any straight answers on anything. So eventually, time after time, of trying to ask, okay, well, what time are your classes or which day do you have classes? Or when do you have projects due? Just so I could keep up with it all. He couldn’t figure it out and eventually got to the point where I said, well, why don’t you just log into your portal online so I can look at it with you? And try and sort through all this so that we’re both on the same page and not confused here? He couldn’t do that either. And I told him, well, you know, try and go to the IT department. Maybe you need to get your account reset, all that sort of thing. Eventually, a couple weeks later, he still couldn’t do it. And I eventually sat down with him, and I just said, okay, right here, right now, you need to pull up the site while I’m sitting with you and log in. After an hour or so of arguing, eventually it came out that he was not in school. And in fact, he had dropped out of school for about two years. So that entire time period that we were dating, engaged, and newly married, I have no idea how he spent his time. No one had any idea about this. He had been lying the whole time. Affairs & Exploitative Material Kelly: His parents, everyone in his family, thought he was attending classes. All of his friends did as well, but he was just falsifying information along the way. So after that, I felt like the rug was taken out from underneath me. I started to question other things that seemed confusing or just kind of struck me as something wasn’t quite right. And through that, what I discover is that he had multiple affairs while we were dating. I quickly discovered he had slept with more than one woman multiple times. There was definitely infidelity throughout the time we were together. Anne: This story is consistent with exploitative materials use. The likelihood of him using is extremely high, it is not something discoverable. So even if he used and you never saw it, and he doesn’t own up to it, you would never know. There’s no way to prove it or disprove it. So if I was a betting person, which I am not definitely. I bet he used exploitative materials for sure. He runs you in circles for months. And because you’re caring, compassionate and kind, you’re concerned and trying to help him out. And not once did you think, wait a minute, it’s not that he can’t log in or needs a password. A few months later, you realize it’s because he’s not enrolled. You realize he was lying, but not that lying is emotionally abusive. Lying Is Emotional Abuse & False Graduations Kelly: Yeah, it never crosses my mind that I would need to be a detective with my spouse. I did not grow up in a home like that. My parents have a great marriage and a great relationship where they work as partners together. And so when I entered my own marriage, that’s what I anticipated. But it quickly became evident that that’s not what was going on. That’s just a quick, brief snippet of things. We stayed married for close to five years. And throughout that time, there were three occasions where I believe he was actually graduating from college. He falsified grade reports that he would show me. I threw him a giant graduation party at one point with about 40 of our closest friends there. And after the party, he just blew up at me, and he was so furious that I would go and do something like that. I was confused, and I think it was something that he is just embarrassed about. Knowing that he had had trouble in school. I was trying to have that empathy to understand, wow, maybe I misstepped my bounds here. I shouldn’t have done that. And I thought it was considerate, but it wasn’t something he wants. Really, the only way I discovered he didn’t graduate is because I graduated from my master’s program and went to the same university. When I got the list of graduates, I saw my name there and his was not there. And that was the only way that I had found out. Anne: Wow,that must’ve been shocking. The Extent Of Lies, Education & Work Anne: You caught him several times, but instead of just coming out and telling you the truth, he continued to lie, wow. This is emotional abuse, it doesn’t matter the extent of the lies. So many of them are about having sex with other women, emotional affairs, or their double life. But what I don’t understand is why didn’t he ever just say, Hey, I don’t want to go to school. I’d rather do something else. Like the truth is beyond them. I don’t want to just have sex with you. I want to have sex with a lot of people. Would you still like to be married to me? You know, these are pretty simple things to say. But because of their exploitative privilege, they want to continue to exploit. And they want the entitlements that come along with a happy marriage or college degree. But they don’t want to do the work. Was he employed at all during this time? Kelly: I’m actually not sure. He bounced around a lot on different part time jobs, but it was never very consistent. The number one question I get asked about all of this when I share these details is what was his end game here? You know, someone will find out he doesn’t have a degree. The first job he had after allegedly graduating, he ends up fired from that job. Because he falsified his information and told them he did have a degree when he didn’t. So I think the most difficult part of this is to try and recognize that our brains function differently here. While we all recognize that this will not work in the long run. That just did not connect for him. Forged MCAT Scores Kelly: He was set to attend med school, as shocking as that sounds. Well, we paid for the MCAT, at least I thought we had. I’m not sure what he uses all that money for now. And he actually did not take the exam, I learned months later. But he did forge MCAT scores, and he had those mailed to our house so that I could open them up and see them in the mail. And the tricky part with all this is I think he’s very intelligent. And so I think he felt that not going to school would mean he’s working a job below his potential. Because I remember sitting down and talking about those MCAT scores and asking, Well, why did we spend this money on this if you’re not even in school right now? How could you even take the test if you’re not in school right now? The national program like this checks those sorts of things. So how did that even happen? And eventually through that, I discovered he hadn’t taken it. But the one point that sticks out in my mind is that he is so proud of the detail he had gone to for the forgery. I remember him showing me the paper and talking about how he measures out the margins and all the indentations everywhere, so that there’s no way I could ever guess it was falsified. Anne: Wow, if he had only put that much effort into school. Kelly: That’s exactly what I said. The EMotionally abusive nature of Lying & Consequences Anne: I had a conversation with someone who told me, this abuse stance you take about pornography use is so extreme. They were telling me. It’s so extreme! You know, these guys are really good guys who use. And I’m like, I don’t argue with you that some of them seem like really good guys. But if someone willingly uses without their wife’s knowledge, knowing that if she knew, she would be upset. Knowing that if I tell her that I use, she will be upset. So I’m going to wear my white shirt and tie to church every week. I’m going to participate. I’m going to act like I don’t use for all intents and purposes. And every time pornography comes up, I’m going to be like, yeah, that’s not cool. Like that is serious stuff. Lying is emotionally abusive. This is not just like, Oh, he’s ashamed or embarrassed. Like it’s serious. It’s a serious consent issue. And your husband, people would be like, Whoa, this guy is a psychopath, right? I’m sure many people have said that to you when you tell the story, like Holy Cow, the extent that he went to. But I don’t think people realize that men go to this extent just to cover their use quite a bit. Like, a lot. It’s very, very common, women are going through hell. When you’re married to someone, they’re willing to lie to you like that. About college, or about exploitative material, or about anything else to that extent. Kelly: Absolutely. Personality Disorder Diagnosis Kelly: And you know, it’s not until I finally learn what abuse actually was, that lying is emotionally abusive. This was not just us going through a difficult time. I had it in my head that I was overly controlling. And so he feels pressured and embarrassed, and that’s why he would hide things because I was just too controlling. And putting too much pressure on him. In my case, I was actually the one financially stable. I had the education, I had the career, and he was the one floundering. We eventually reach a crossroads, where I told him you are either moving out of the house now. Or you need to go and have this psych. eval. done. So we can try and figure out what we’re working with here. And when the results came back, they did say he had a personality disorder. And that it was likely an antisocial personality disorder, which is sociopathy. In my case, I did get a bit of that closure there, having that medical explanation and having the doctor turn to me and say, “You need to get out now. And you need to run as fast and as far as possible, because he will never ever change.” And not many women get that. Many of them have this inkling that something is wrong, but they don’t get that official diagnosis. And what I say to them is what you’re talking about, with just the action of covering up pornography or other things. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if you have that diagnosis or not. Religious Perspectives On Change: Lying Is Emotional Abuse Kelly: At the end of the day, that is not a healthy relationship. That is manipulative, controlling behavior. And it doesn’t matter what they’re trying to cover up or what sort of diagnosis they may or may not have officially on a paper there. At the end of the day, it’s just not right. Anne: Exactly, most religious people I know believe in change. Especially Christians, they’re like, Christ makes everything possible. With God, all things are possible. Nothing is impossible with Christ, etc. And so to say this person’s never going to change. Most religious people put up a little bit of a, like, well, wait, that’s what, Christ is for. That’s what the atonement was for. And so they get a little bit like, “No, I think people can.” I genuinely do think people can change. And so with that, I want to say like, Okay, can you hold the space for both of these places? That someone can change, but if they have not changed, they haven’t changed. There’s such a difference between someone sayi…

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What You Need To Know Before Scheduling With A “CSAT THERAPIST NEAR ME” May 07, 2024

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For decades, men who choose to engage in problematic sexual behaviors have been treated as “addicts” according to the traditional addiction model. Tragically, some professionals have labeled label victims of domestic abuse as co-addicts or codependents or told her that she can do something to “help” him. Here’s what you need to know before searching for a “CSAT therapist near me” or other sex addiction therapist or program. As you read and listen, if you relate and find you need support, check out the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Schedule. Trauma Is Caused By Abuse, Not “Addiction” When experts call betrayed women co-addicts or codependents, they ignore the fact that we’re abuse victims. Betrayed women are not to blame that our husband betrayed us. We’re injured due to his abuse. Many people can agree that partners experienced trauma. Dear Sex Addiction Therapists, if you can agree that we experienced trauma due to our husband’s infidelity, why can’t you correctly define what caused the trauma? At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we understand the devastation of re-traumatization when professionals imply a victim cased her own abuse by labeling her a “co-addict” or “codependent”. Having personal experience going to addiction therapists, and interviewing over 200 victims of betrayal trauma throughout the years, it’s my opinion that the addiction model misses the boat because it doesn’t identify the situation as domestic abuse. BTR would never label a victim in such a way as to give her partial responsibility for his abuse. Just to prove the point, if you’re husband has been diagnosed as an addict, he’s likely using many of these 19 different types of emotional abuse. To see, take our free emotional abuse test. Transcript: What You Need To Know Before Scheduling With A Addiction Expert Anne: It’s just me today. It’s heartbreaking, Many women who find this podcast have just found out their husband uses exploitative content. Or that he’s been secretly paying for women who have been exploited. Otherwise known as prostitutes, or other secret things. If this has happened to you, maybe you went to clergy, and the clergy suggested your husband is a addict. Or perhaps you went to therapy, and a therapist suggested he’s an addict. And that diagnosis probably makes sense to you. Because if he wasn’t some kind of addict, why would he have been lying to you for years about his use or other secret behaviors? And if you do a little research, you’ll see that many people recommend a CSAT, a certified addiction therapist, or an AASAT. So thinking you might need to get your husband one of these specializes in addiction, the rest of this episode, we’ll explain why searching for a “CSAT therapist near me” is not a good idea until you’ve been educated about abuse. Understanding Codependency Anne: We first need to talk about codependency. Codependency came out of the chemical dependency scene in Minnesota, around the 1970s. That was when the term was originally used to describe the symptoms that people would have, who were closely related to, or in a relationship with someone with a chemical dependency problem. The basic idea of codependency is that a codependent person has, “Let another person’s behavior affect her.” Now, before I get any farther. I’m setting this all up for you to realize how wrong this is when applied to sexual or emotional abuse. To know a little bit about what to expect when you go to an addiction specialist. Definition Of Co-Addicts Anne: Addiction specialists generally describe co-addiction as someone who is married to, or in a significant relationship with, an addict. These so-called co addicts demonstrate behavioral characteristics, including denial, preoccupation, enabling, rescuing, taking excessive responsibility, emotional turmoil, efforts to control, compromise of self and intimacy issues. So how is codependency diagnosed? One of the main diagnostic criteria for codependency is that the wife of an addict is trying to control the addict. Addiction specialists in general say that co-dependency or co-addiction can range in severity. And then the “treatment” for a co addict, is to figure out how to stop letting the addict’s actions affect her. And in general views her efforts to control his behaviors are part of her “illness”. So the main reason not to go to an addiction specialist if your husband is a so-called addict is that they won’t approach the situation from an abuse perspective. Betrayal Trauma vs. Codependency Model Used By A “CSAT Therapist near me” Anne: Which sounds good, because betrayal trauma is the right term to use. Thank goodness it’s not a diagnosis. Healthy women react in a normal way to abuse. So if they use this term betrayal trauma, you’re like, oh, I’ll be in good hands. But the problem is they’re not using the right model. They’ve just slapped the right word on the same old codependent, co- addict model “treatment.” And so today, with everything we know about abuse, addiction therapists still use the codependent, co-addict model. But instead of saying she needs to recover from her codependency, they say she needs to heal from her trauma. And to heal from her trauma. What does she need to do? And they’ll tell you the same thing. Not be affected by his actions. So it’s no different than codependency in terms of what they tell you to do and how to interact. They did not and do not identify your normal reaction to abuse. So let’s go through these symptoms one at a time. The first one denial. They say, if you refuse to see your part in it, then you’re in denial. You’re not in denial. Your husband lied to you. That’s totally different than denial. Preoccupation Is A Normal Reaction To Abuse Anne: Preoccupation, well, of course you’re preoccupied. It’s not a sign that you’re sick. It’s a sign that you’re smart. You’re rightfully trying to ensure you’re safe. For example, if someone steals from your online bank account, and you notice a lot of money gone. It would be normal to be preoccupied with checking your bank account every day. You might end up checking it several times a day. That would be a normal thing to do. They say you’re enabling him by rescuing him. I don’t know what they’re talking about. You want a safe and peaceful home. And so to resist the abuse, you try to get him to stop abusing you because divorce feels unsafe. Breaking up your family feels unsafe. That’s not rescuing him. That is a safety seeking behavior, because you are a completely normal person who loves her husband and wants to protect her family. And ignoring the abuse will not protect you or your family, and you know that. And so you’re going for help. But then this help tells you that you’re part of the problem. https://youtube.com/shorts/ZOCe_rLkvIU Misogyny In Sex addiction Therapy Anne: So it’s a misogynistic way of basically silencing a victim to stop her from resisting the abuse, so that he can continue to do whatever he’s going to do without her complaining about it or doing anything about it. It’s extreme victim blaming, and this type of therapy traps victims into further abuse. Taking excessive responsibility, there’s anything wrong with taking responsibility for yourself. They say you have emotional turmoil, which is apparently a problem. Your emotions will be all over the place because you’re being groomed. And then overtly abused. Of course, an abused woman is emotionally dysregulated. That makes sense. They’re saying you are trying to control him. That’s not happening either. You are trying to create safety. They’re saying you’re angry, like it’s a bad thing. You’re angry and fantastic! You should be angry. They’re saying you have “issues.” Nope, you’re just a healthy person who doesn’t want to be intimate with an abuser. Symptoms Of Abuse Are Normal For Victims Anne: She could also have physical symptoms. For example, her husband, who’s been cheating on her for years when he bought services from a prostitute, then he doesn’t use protection with his wife. A woman who gets a STI from her husband, who she thinks is monogamous. That’s going to bring all kinds of emotions and reactions, and all of them are normal. Similarly, her physical safety is on the line here. Having a roof over her head, being able to parent her children. Being able to feed her children. These are also physical risks. She doesn’t want to be out on the street nursing a baby. So to label her emotional reactions as a disease and be like, oh, why is she so angry? Oh, she needs to come at this healing from a place of compassion, not anger, is crazy. She should be angry! The Reality Of Abuse Is Emotional Ups & Downs Anne: Some women go numb. When women go numb, many therapists will be like, “Oh, you’re reacting well to this.” It may sound like a compliment, but it’s a veiled threat. Like, “You’re reacting well to this because you’re not reacting at all.” Which actually means if you were reacting in any other way, like becoming angry or having emotional ups and downs or getting up in front of your whole congregation and telling them the whole story. “That is inappropriate,” some may say. But being numb after abuse actually means you’re frozen in a highly traumatized state. Only functioning administratively, and suppressing a lot of your deeper reactions for your own survival. That’s not reacting “Well.” If they’re telling you that feeling numb is good, and that anger and uncontrollable crying is inappropriate. That can’t be right. That doesn’t even make sense. Because most victims cycle through different stages of being numb, crying and angry. The reality is that you’re resisting abuse the best way you know how at the time. Not even understanding it’s abuse. And how you react makes sense. She actually focuses on her own emotional and psychological safety. That’s why she searched for help online. If her husband’s behaviors didn’t affect her, she wouldn’t be concerned about it. But a CSAT or AASAT or other addiction therapists may tell her that his actions are due to his addiction and don’t have anything to do with her. While simultaneously telling her she’s now suffering from pathological trauma. That she needs to resolve so that the marriage can heal. Recap Of A The Addiction Circus Anne: So to recap, a addiction expert will tell you, this isn’t about you. He’s not doing it to hurt you. And you need to heal from the trauma, but they never tell you what the trauma is from. There’s no part of that that makes sense. Even though this has nothing to do with you. This affects you. It hurts you. And you’re not part of the solution. I find most women who have spent a lot of time in couple therapy or in addiction recovery therapy with their addicted husband, when they learn about emotional and psychological abuse and intimate coercion, they feel validated. Many women write me and say, “How did I not know this was abuse?” Why did the addiction professional, that I paid thousands of dollars to, not identify what this actually is: emotional and psychological abuse? Women resonate with the abuse model because they ARE abuse victims. And it’s the only thing that makes sense. So after a victim listens to this podcast, she may go back to the addict or the CSAT therapist and say, “Hey, this is abuse.” Even though you’re trying to get to safety, and that’s the intent of confronting your abuser or telling his therapist that it’s abuse. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we teach a safety strategy that helps you avoid confronting them. Because in that case, both the addict and the abuser will deny it. Or they’ll admit it. But it still won’t give you the right solution. The Ethical Dilemma Of Treating Victim & Perpetraters Together Anne: So let’s look at the first one, when they deny its abuse. Most addiction, recovery programs or addiction programs, whether the therapist or not, will push back, because if it’s abuse, she doesn’t need therapy. And if she doesn’t need to go to therapy, or she’s not involved somehow. Her husband will not go to therapy. And I want you to know that the therapist may or may not know that it’s abuse. He might know it’s abuse, but avoid identifying it. Or he might not understand abuse at all, so he says it’s not abuse. If they call it abuse, for whatever reason, they can’t ethically treat both partners in the same setting. The second the word abuse is brought up, they’ll have to basically say, I’m sorry, I can’t treat you because this is abuse. So they would have zero clients, because in my view it’s always abuse. That would implode their entire practice. And what would they do for a living? That one is about money. And let’s look at the second one when they admit it. But they still don’t give you the right solution. So there’s about a one in a million chance that they are going to identify the abuse. So they’re going to give you the impression that they can help him. So they’re going to say, “If you keep coming back and work together, he can stop his abusive behaviors. As long as you’re willing to do your part in this relationship. And you’re going to be like, of course, because I want to save my family.” Most Therapists Are Generally Marriage & Family Therapists Anne: They’re not going to say to you, “This is abuse, and it’s unethical for me to treat an abuser and a victim. And so I can’t see either of you.” See, if you go to a addiction specialist, they’re likely marriage and family therapists. And the foundation of their training is family systems, which means everybody has a part to play. And it absolutely does take two people to create a healthy relationship, but it only takes one person to destroy that relationship. A secret life, lying, pathological manipulation, gaslighting, grooming, deflection, withdrawal, coverup, hiding and blaming. None of these things take two people to pull off. One person can do them all by themselves. So whether the addiction specialist identifies the abuse and says, “No, no, no, this isn’t abusive,” or identifies the abuse and tells you, “Yes, it is abuse and I can help you.” Either way, it’s not going to be the right solution for you. The therapist should never, ever be the therapist for an abuser and his victim. Thus, joint counseling does not get you the relief that you’re likely seeking for yourself. BTR’s Approach To Abuse Is Teaching Safety Strategies Anne: Here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we don’t think victims of abuse are pathological. We don’t think victims need treatment. We think victims need to be educated about emotional and psychological abuse and intimate coercion. And since victims resist the abuse by going for help, we teach them effective safety strategies to stay safe. She’s been resisting the abuse the whole time, trying to establish emotional and psychological safety in her home. She just didn’t realize what she was facing. And not knowing that it was abuse and not knowing that what she was resisting was abuse. She did exactly what she was supposed to do. Which was to go for help. But the problem was that the person she went to for help, did not help her. And that’s not her fault At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we say to victims of abuse, “Hey, you did great. You did exactly what you were supposed to do, and resisted abuse by going for help. You were trying to get to safety. Good job.” And no matter where you are in your journey to emotional and psychological safety. There are safety strategies that work for everyone, no matter what their situation. Whether you’re still married, living with an abuser in your home, or even post divorce when you’re suffering from post-separation abuse. When he’s using your kids as pawns to continue to manipulate you. Living Free Workshop Teaches Strategies That Work Anne: So I’ve created The Living Free Workshop. That will teach you safety strategies that work. As we learn these new safety strategies. It’s important that we interact with other women who have been through this. Who have experienced the same type of wo…

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How To Prevent Exploitation – A Conversation with Dawn Hawkins Apr 30, 2024

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Many women who’ve experienced their husband’s exploitation wonder how to prevent exploitation for all victims. The first step to understanding if your husband exploits you, is to know if he manipulates your emotions for his own gain. To discover if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse test. If your husband exploits you through manipulating you to think it’s your duty or obligation, we’re here for you. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Transcript: How To Prevent Exploitation Anne: I have my friend Dawn Hawkins on today’s episode. She is the executive director of the National Center on Sexual Exploitation helps keep women safe in various ways. Welcome, Dawn. Dawn: Thank you, Anne. I’m so happy to be here. We love your podcast. Anne: So I wanted you, Dawn, to talk about how my listeners. who are extremely interested in stopping the harms of inappropriate media can get involved in the fight. What do you need our listeners to do? Dawn: I have a long list of things that people can do to help in this fight. But let me start by saying, I think one of the weaknesses in the fight to stop exploitation is that often we silo these issues, and they’re all interconnected. It’s important that we look at how inappropriate media is connected to violence against women. And how this type of exploitative content drives demand for human trafficking and prostitution, and how inappropriate media is connected with exploitation. There’s so much intersectionality. And I think we do a disservice when we try to silo them out. So, if your listeners could take away from this, the need to talk about these issues as connected will help grow the entire movement to prevent exploitation. And I think it will foster more holistic solutions. Anne: I could not agree more. Personal Stories Highlighting The Issue Anne: One woman I recently met is considering whether she should continue to date someone. And I know about his history of using exploitative media. She texted me and she said, “Do you know what type of exploitative media he used? Was it just with women? Or did he see it with children?” She wouldn’t ask this question if she understood this issue. It doesn’t matter what type someone uses. It’s all interconnected, there is severe betrayal trauma from all infidelity. Dawn: Yeah, most definitely. I would agree with that building on that example. This is really sad. A young woman that I know well, since she was like a preteen, reached out to me to explain to me her relationship was getting serious. She’s now in her early 20s, and she thinks it’s moving towards marriage, but he’s addicted to this stuff. And he disclosed that to her, and he disclosed he has purchased women for before, and she’s like, “He promises he’s better now.” “But now what do I do?” She said, “He said he’s been “free” from exploitative media for three months.” So it’s not like he’s made a clear recovery. But also just that connection between inappropriate media and exploitation. And as we know, it often also equates to affairs and all these other types of things later on. Anne: What she needs to understand and what every woman needs to understand is that any man who participates in exploitative media, when they’re participating in it, is participating in abusive behaviors. Every time you click, it’s abusive. It’s not just abusive to the women in the it, although it is, but also abusive to the person you’re dating or the people around you. Recognizing Abusive Behaviors Anne: It’s actually an abuse issue. Someone basically told her, “Well, I was abusive, but I’m not anymore.” She needs to learn about what those abusive behaviors look like, has he changed or not? And we have so many podcast episodes about that. And she can come here and find how to know if my abusive husband is changing or how to know if he is not using anymore. So our listeners know that they need to set boundaries in their own homes. What can they do on a community level to protect all women or society from the harms of exploitation? Community Actions To End Exploitation Dawn: One is to challenge and oppose exploitation whenever and wherever you see it, and that might be nerve wracking, like you’re at the grocery store, and you see a explicit magazine, or you’re at Starbucks, and somebody’s watching exploitative media on their computer right there in front of everybody. Whenever you see exploitation, pointing that out and raising your voice. It might be terrifying in the moment, but it is so incredibly empowering to know that you have a voice and is being heard. But I also want to share that when other people hear, they might be embarrassed or shy to speak up themselves. They tend to flock in support to help, so you certainly wouldn’t be alone, and others then find the strength to speak up. I think that’s a really important thing to do in your local communities when you want to end exploitation. Our organization focuses on changing policies that we see as facilitating exploitation. Our work is often focused on corporate policies, but sometimes those policies are government related. We could use so much help from the public. We need activists signing petitions and sending emails to executives. Just a few examples are Netflix. Netflix argues they’re appropriate for ages four plus. But as probably most of your listeners know, they’ve problematic content often paired next to cartoons that they’re recommending. This content often has graphic depictions of gendered violence. They have originally produced shows that normalize trafficking of minors. Or domestic violence. We’ve got Instagram, for example, where so many of our young people spend most of their time. And that platform is rife with grooming, bullying, and exploitation. Corporate Policies & Public Activism Dawn: Perhaps your listeners could join some of these advocacy campaigns, targeting these big corporations and calling on them to make changes. And to just add a little hope, when we get real, real results. We’ve had huge victories. We got Google, for example, to kick all explicit apps out of Google Play and stop all explicit advertisements. We got major hotels to stop selling it. And the most exciting thing I think with that hotel win was Hilton hotels. The executives called us and they said. “Can you please stop your campaign? We get 1,000 emails a week from people who are so upset that we’re selling this stuff.” And we said, “Well, we’ll stop it if you meet with us and hear us out.” And they met with us. And after that meeting, they immediately changed their policies, and then three other major hotel chains also changed their policies. It’s 2 million hotel rooms around the world that don’t have exploitative media through the on-demand system. So I say your voice matters, and you can join these campaigns that we’ve got coming out every week to help create a safer society. Anne: So how does someone get involved with these campaigns? Do they go to your website? Do they get on your email list? Tell us the process so that they can start taking part in those initiatives to prevent exploitation. Dawn: If you could sign up for our email list, that’s the best. We send One or two emails a week. And most of the time they’re heavy calls to action and ways that you can get involved locally and on a national and worldwide level. Fix App Ratings Initiative To End Exploitation Dawn: Of course, we’re on all social media channels, and we try hard to push out the action alert through those. We’ve an effort called Fix App Ratings. Where we’re calling on the creation of an independent app review board, much like we have for video games. Or the film and television movement, where everything gets rated. So that parents can make an informed decision about the content their kids watch. Right now, apps all self-rate themselves, Instagram said they’re appropriate for age 12 plus. Snapchat said they’re appropriate for age 12 plus, and yet there’s so much grooming. There’s so much bullying, exploitative media, prostitution and trafficking on those platforms. I found a VPN, a virtual private network. That’s rated E for everyone on the app stores. https://youtube.com/shorts/GFNykr3Ysw4 You know why that virtual private network is used. All the reviews and comments on it talk about how great it is to watch hardcore exploitative media. And yet they’re saying that that’s appropriate for everyone. I invite your listeners to join that fix app ratings project. There are dozens of organizations behind it, and I think it’s going to win. Anne: Yeah, that’s one thing I love about you, Dawn, and your work is that you get results. And it’s so hopeful and exciting. So many people, when they hear about trafficking, exploitative media, get kind of depressed. Because it’s so uncomfortable. You can be involved in a way that brings results with an organization like yours. And that’s exciting. Having action steps for people to take is so helpful. Hopeful Anecdotes Of Change Dawn: Anne, let me tell you. I think two of the anecdotal stories that give me lots of hope and excitement. One woman reached out to us. She was upset because she’s struggling with infertility issues. And she went to the doctor’s office with her husband to discuss her options. Her husband went to the restroom. He told her, “There were tons of exploitative media in the bathroom.” And I want to point out that there is only one bathroom for everyone, male, female, and children use the same bathroom. And they just had this stuff stacked in there. They argue men must watch it to ejaculate. She was upset, and said something to the nurse. Who looked at her like, “What’s the big deal? They need this. And said she would pass on her issues.” So then she contacted us, and she was like, “I don’t know what to do. This is so wrong. Here we are trying to build a family. And yet it feels like there’s all this stuff that destroys our family right there in the other room.” I suggested she write a letter to the practice, which she did. She called to follow up, and they decided to get rid of the the stuff. It was with her voice. I think that’s so encouraging. The Power Of Collective Action To End Exploitation Dawn: Another woman called us frantic, because her little six year old daughter is obsessed with American Girl dolls. Which so many parents understand, and wanted to play a game on the computer. So she sat on her mom’s lap, and together they typed in American Girl doll games into Google. And unfortunately, up popped horrible exploitative media that was teen themed, unfortunately the six year old daughter saw horrific things. This mom, after telling us the story, reached out to the American Girl dolls. And made sure they knew what was coming up when people typed their name into Google. They were able to fix it, improve their search engine optimization, and create a bunch of other stuff to push all that stuff down to like the fourth page in Google. And so again, there’s just this encouraging story of a mom raising their voice and seeing results. Anne: Because women have been so dismissed and abused when it comes to this, like, “Oh, why are you making such a big deal out of this?” Their husband might say, or society might say that. It’s good to know that they’re part of a giant team working together to all types of exploitation. Rather than thinking they’re alone. Because when you’re alone and isolated in a situation, as my listeners are. Where their husband uses exploitative media, either behind their back and lying to their face or trying to say, “it’s not a big deal.” Building A Supportive Community Anne: “Why are you making such a big deal out of it?” You can feel really alone. And so that’s another reason why I wanted you to let women know. It’s not just you. There are thousands and thousands of people across the globe working toward a pornography and exploitation free world. Dawn: Most definitely. I’m getting chills, because that’s how I feel too. For those who feel alone, it’s so wonderful that they found your network. There’s the Coalition to End this type of exploitation, which our organization directs. It has more than 300 organization members, and we regularly meet. There’s a summit each year, for example. You’re coming, right Anne? Anne: Yes, I’ll be there. Dawn: It’s all these people that come together, and it’s for a few days. We become empowered and encouraged, and we learn the research and get strategies. Then it helps buoy us as we go throughout the year, where we often are alone. We’re fighting our fight where it seems like we might be the only ones. And so there is a community here. Really opposed to exploitation in all of its forms. We’re having so many wins and with more willing to come on board and add their voice or even silently support from the sidelines, it will help tremendously. Personal Impact & Broader Goals To End Exploitation Anne: And that’s why we are here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery to help support women in a very personal way, with a very personal situation. That’s what it’s about. What you are doing, really, is all about making individuals healthy, happy, and safe. It really comes down to how exploitative media affects individuals and individual families. Dawn: Most definitely would agree. Anne: So Dawn, I’m sure that now after listening to you and listening to these success stories, our listeners want to get involved. So I want you to repeat one more time your website and how they can join your email list. Anne: Awesome. You’re amazing, Dawn. I’m so excited to see you at the summit.

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How Does Infidelity Harm Victims? – Hillevi’s Story Apr 23, 2024

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If men knew how deeply their actions affected victims, would they continue to lie and manipulate? Infidelity leaves lasting, painful trauma that can affect a victim’s life for years after the betrayal. If you need support check out The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Schedule. Transcript: How Does Infidelity Harm Victims? Hillevi was born in Valparaiso, Indiana. In 1993 she married her now-husband. Together with their five children, they lived a dream marriage until Hillevi discovered his secret life of infidelity in 2013, shortly after they moved to the mountains of Colorado. Supporting Victims of Infidelity Hillevi has listened to this podcast from the beginning. She has been a devoted supporter of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, not just emotionally, but also financially, by supporting the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. I want to thank her for her continued support to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, because this podcast is due in part to Hillevi and women like her who support this podcast. Hillevi: Thank you so much because you too have done a lot to support the rest of us women who have experienced infidelity, I listen avidly to your podcast. What I Felt Was Like A Sisterhood Anne: You said that you were listening from the very beginning where I was sort of a mess crying in the microphone. Fumbling around trying to figure this out. You have seen in real-time me come into my full understanding and power that I’m in now. Which is so different than I was four years ago. Just for our audience, you witnessing that real-time, what did you observe? Hillevi: I felt like I was walking through everything I went through from the onset of my discovery of my husband’s betrayal, and what I felt was like a sisterhood. You were expressing things, feeling things in real-time. I had just passed through some of those emotions and was still struggling to find my way through this and maintain my marriage. It was very much just kind of a give and take of: I hear you, I understand, I’ve been there, I’m going through that again. It’s not just a single straight path of a timeline. It was definitely great to have you along for the ride or me along for your ride. The Codependency Model Blames Victims Anne: And vice versa because we’re all in this together in this journey of healing from infidelity. It’s really cool to be part of that collective community. When someone has an epiphany and they let me know about it then I can podcast about it and that helps other women have epiphanies. We’re all working together to come out of the fog. Also, I feel like all of us are genuinely praying for truth and for peace. The Lord is guiding all of us sort of collectively together to find these things out. I think it’s interesting that so many of us started with a codependency model, and spoiler you’re not codependent! Then we’ve all sort of independently or together found this abuse model. It really is the only thing that makes sense. Hillevi: Oh, absolutely. I remember in the 80s I was dating a drummer. He was one of those off again on again, I love you now but now I need other women and then come back to me. A girlfriend gave me the book Women Who Love Too Much, and many people who listen know that book. I didn’t know if that rang true or not, it just seemed like it put too much of the blame on me. Rather than, you know I need to just walk away and just stand up and stop accepting abuse. That’s kind of where I started in understanding the, just the codependency model was so, so wrong. It was blaming the victim. Infidelity & Victim Blaming Anne: So, let’s talk about that victim blaming that happened to you. It was around you in the 80s and 90s. Your bio mentions that you went to some workshops on “How to be a Godly Woman”, and about “The Total Woman Workshops”. I’m not aware of these. Were these really popular back then? Hillevi: Oh, it was so popular. Maribel Morgan author of The Total Woman, appeared on everybody’s television from Donahue to whatever. Christian women needed to learn to totally submit. And also subject yourself to your husband’s whims and desires, and dress like he wants you to. That little scene in Fried Green Tomatoes, if you remember, when Kathy Bates wraps herself in saran wrap. That was from The Total Woman. I kid you not. That kind of feeling that if you were a truly godly woman. You would take that one verse out of Ephesians 5, you know, and just put that as the idol in your home. You must submit. I just was too rebellious in nature to submit. Indfidelity & The Concept Of “Submitting” Oneself My father hated that; my father was alive at the time. I was very very fortunate to grow up with a dad who said you can become anything, anyone you want. There is no limit, there’s no glass ceiling, and so my dad really hated what he saw me becoming. He asked me to please go back and read the whole Bible. I was very very fortunate to have dad, he really helped open my eyes up to that. Both my parents were World War II veterans, but they both went to college afterward. My mother was a journalist, and my dad was a businessman in the lumber business. They were both educated, and he really guided me, my father did. My mom died when I was very young. My father and my grandfather also were very good guidance as to what love and a good husband are, I just didn’t find it…yet. Anne: So, what did you try while you were in this sort of total Woman crazy trendy church teachings phase where you were kind of submitting yourself to these misogynistic ideas? Misogynistic Ideas Hillevi: Well, the first thing was when I got married. I toured as a Christian artist at the time, and he immediately wanted me to give up singing in public. He wanted me to stay at home, have babies, take care of the house, and to serve him. I was not to be elevated in public with the music. We started a church for instance, and I would be singing praise songs in church, but my voice does carry. And if somebody would turn around and say oh, I love your voice, we wouldn’t go back to that church. He told me to step back. And let him be the sole source of devotion from everybody around him. So that was the first thing. Dressing the way he wanted me to dress, cook the food he wanted me to cook, that kind of thing. If started talking about something and he wasn’t interested, said not interested. I had to just accept that. It was a pretty hard time in my life. I rebelled and stood up to him. Then of course the people around us who were very much into The Total Woman said that I was truly a rebel, and I was not honoring God. They must shun me. So, they shunned me. Anne: Spiritual abuse. Wow. Hillevi: Yes, it was. It was. Anne: Did you recognize it as that at the time? https://youtu.be/bTmtR4EfYcY Recognizing Abuse Hillevi: Eventually I did. Not at the beginning. I thought it was just all connected, but it didn’t take me long. My grandfather didn’t like him, my father didn’t like him. As I said, they were really trying to help me find my own, but I was young and ignorant. I was 18 when I got married. My life became very quickly filled with my children. I eventually just learned to walk away, to stand up. My friends from that era, we just kind of laugh about the stupid things we did at that time, thinking they were right. And that’s not to say that there isn’t a given take in a good marriage, but this was abuse. This was, you will do as I say. That is total abuse. Anne: That’s really interesting, especially coming up in a different time period. Hillevi: I just want to tell you that I’m not an old 65. My arm is in a sling right now because I had rotator cuff surgery last week. From a bad zip lining experience, so I’m one of the young 65 people. Anne: Of course. Well, I feel like I’m a super old 43-year-old. I feel the opposite. I feel like I just want to eat pudding and lay on the couch. You know, how can I not walk up and down the stairs, you know, that kind of thing. Hillevi: I just did my 10,000 steps yesterday. I’m back on my feet, getting ready to get this off I hope soon. I love life in the mountains and that keeps you young too. I have grandkids, and we do stuff together, and I want to be a young grandparent. Anne: Yeah Hillevi: I love it. Generational Contexts of Infidelity Anne: The reason I bring up that age difference is that we all have these cultural and perhaps religious scripting that is working against us. That we don’t realize, that is a part of our generation. It’s a part of our time. And right now, for the kids, you know the 20-year-olds, it’s like pornography is normal. Infidelity is fine. You’re totally sex-negative if you’re not into it, and if you’re not sexting. So that’s the generation they’re growing up in. The one that I grew up in was that you are there to help a man and stay at home. I guess what I mean is you know when I was going to college, I never thought about what career do I want. It was what do I need to graduate in so that I can have a job where I can make sure that I can be a mom. It wasn’t like what do I really want to do? I really want to be an astronaut, you know, or I really want to do this. Which I didn’t want to be an astronaut, but I certainly at that time was not thinking I want to be a podcaster, that’s for sure. It Was His Secret Life Hillevi: I know, am blessed that I returned to college. It is wonderful because while I loved the theater, I also became very fascinated with technology and media history. That began to open my eyes to a whole another realm of what we were doing. The history of media and what it was doing to form our culture. Not in a good way, you know, in a very, very bad way. So, when everything came out with my husband, who by the way, helped put me through school. It thrilled him. He’d already been through college, so he knew I wanted to do it. When everything came out about his infidelity, I guess I was prepared in many ways in that I saw what the music industry. The theater industry, the film industry, all of what it was doing and creating in our society. I just thought he was above that. I truly thought he wouldn’t have that kind of attitude, that he did, but it was his secret life. Anne: And you discovered that in 2013? Discovering Her Husband’s Infidelity Hillevi: Yes. Yeah. When we moved here, he works out of our home, and I was really excited to work for Apple for a while. So I’m kind of an Apple guru. He got an Apple computer and I became his techie. Never in a million years thought he was going into exploitative material. He was involved with that before we were married when he was in the band. I had no idea because he knew how I hated it. So, it absolutely shocked me when I was doing some cleanup work on his computer. To all of a sudden pull out the preferences and find out that he had passwords for these sites. Discovering his infidelity was a real wake-up call. Aftermath Of Discovering Infidelity At this point, you find out about his use. You begin, would we say decades of terrible counseling, or maybe just one decade of terrible counseling? You talk about the horror stories of trying to navigate through the “addiction” the addiction”recovery world without the context of abuse. Why that was so damaging to you and also to your husband. Hillevi: When you find these things out, that your husband is looking at these sites and visiting prostitutes. You take a lot of turns. Infidelity is so heartbreaking. The first one you do is try desperately to find help. I was very fortunate, initially in that I went to my church, and my counseling pastor there said, oh, well, this is horrible. We want to pay for you to get the kind of counseling you need. The woman he sent me to, we had sung together in the worship team, so I knew her, and I knew she wasn’t a crazy. I knew when I walked into her office and started crying like crazy, she was a comfort, she was a delight, she was helpful. She helped direct me in great ways, but they paid for about six weeks of counseling right at the beginning. Through those six weeks, my husband hadn’t yet confessed everything. He had that lovely attribute of wanting to do the drip, drip, drip, we all know what that is. “Drip” Confessions Of Infidelity Anne: For listeners who might not know what that is, although I think everyone does, it’s where they just tell a part of the truth in a drip fashion. So, you’re just getting a little bit of the truth every once in a while. Hillevi: Absolutely. When his infidelity came out, a lot of things happened in succession. He ended up in a one-week hold psychological evaluation because he said he was going to kill himself. They sent him there. And of course, he wasn’t really, he was just trying to get out of everything. He didn’t tell the truth the whole time he was there, but they did recommend a counselor. The counselor asked to speak with me. He told me my husband was a lying SOB who was still hiding a bunch of stuff. This is a Christian counselor, so it was a lot for him to say that. So, on my way home from that, I said hey, we’re going to get a polygraph test, and he started backpedaling. They don’t work, they’re not allowed in court. The usual excuses. And that’s when I knew that he hadn’t told me everything, but he wanted to leave that particular counselor. Anne: Because that counselor was on to him, right, so he wanted a new one? Hillevi: Oh yeah. Victim Blaming Through Counseling Hillevi: We went to another counselor for a very short period of time who immediately wanted to delve into his history, his family, and all of that blah blah blah blah blah. But he’s the kid that grew up with great parents. His mom warned me that Darry was a very selfish person, and she was very disappointed in his selfishness as an adult, but she was so glad that he married me. Okay, so that counselor, I walked away from. Eventually, it landed us at Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs. For those of you who don’t know, that’s where Dr. Doug Weiss is in Colorado Springs, and we went to one of the counselors there who, how shall I say this, he started the same things all over again. Well, it must be something connected to his past, his parents, and all that, and it wasn’t. He had said to me point blank, it’s because he’s selfish. It was because he had prostitutes and exploitative material on the road when he was a traveling musician before he became a Christian. One day he just decided, I’m going to go in Sex World in Minnesota, that was a strip club type of thing, and got back into it. He eventually had to come to grips with the fact that now I knew there were a series of prostitutes and everything. And so, he started going to a 12-step at Dr. Weiss’s facility, and things were coming up that I didn’t like, things that didn’t seem, how shall I say this, humbling. It was well, we need to go back to physical intimacy right away. Right after infidelity. Anne: This was coming from a therapist there? This kind of thing happens when women are wondering should they stay married after infidelity. When 12-Step Harms Victims Hillevi: Yes. Yeah. He had found that they were balancing the need to get right back into having it again. I went to one 12-step group myself where they told me that I should not control his recovery. I am not entitled to the pain of being rejected. Anne: What? Whoa, whoa, whoa. You are not entitled to feel the pain of infidelity? This is why I created my betrayal trauma support group. Hillevi: Yeah. Anne: Wow. Hillevi: That’s an actual quote, and I needed to stop expressing my anger to my spouse. That we needed to make a sex chart, it was kind of a calendar, where we would decide who was going to lead sex every night of the week. He Had To Take Responsibility For His Infidelity Hillevi: It wasn’t so subtle. Extreme victim blaming. Then we started comparing notes on some things that were said. I tried to look at it in the light of what God says a relationship is. He started to listen. He still hadn’t confessed everythin…

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Your Abusive Husband’s Therapist – 5 Things To Watch For Apr 16, 2024

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Are you considering trying to convince your husband to go to therapy? Or making a therapy appointment for your difficult husband? Is your husband’s therapist making things worse? Anne Blythe, M.Ed. covers the 5 things you need to consider before making a decision. If you need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Many professionals avoid using the word “abuse” and instead use words like “harm” or “mistreat” because they don’t want to hurt the abuser’s feelings. A therapist who uses the word “abuse” holds the perpetrator accountable and acknowledges the very real pain that the victim is experiencing. 5 Thing To Watch For If You’re Condsidering Helping Your Husband go To Therapy: Did your husband make the appointment without you mentioning that he needs therapy? Think about why you want him to go to therapy. Is it for a basic thing that he should already know how to do, like tell the truth? When an abusive man has appointments set for him by his victim, he uses the therapist to manipulate his victim. Is there a way to determine if he’s abusive before you suggest therapy to him? If he’s abusive, he’ll use the therapy as leverage for more emotional and psychological abuse. Since a therapist is likely to pin the cause of his abuse on common inaccurate reasons like childhood trauma, addiction, or personality disorder, etc, the abuser will be happy to use that “diagnosis” to justify his behavior and continue his lying and manipulation. Transcript: Your Husband’s Therapist – 5 Things To Watch For Anne: It’s just me today. I want to talk about your abusive husband’s therapist. It’s the most natural thing to consider finding a therapist for your husband when he exhibits abusive behaviors like lying, manipulation, basically any unhealthy behavior. Anyone’s going to tell you to go to therapy, right? But at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we know something therapists don’t know. We know what women who have been through this know: Abuse happens in the context of our society and the socially acceptable ways that people interact. Men know that to assert control, they’ll need to manage their image. So it was the girlfriend who became his wife. All the people at their church, their clergy and their therapist view him as a particular sort of person. So he has control, and he can maintain that control. And over time, he’ll chip away at her sense of self and her support system. So she becomes more and more unsure and isolated. He pulls her more and more away from her own internal warning system. These men are smart. Men know that women resist abuse. Men know that women don’t like lies, manipulation and coercion. Only psychologists and therapists think women fail to resist abuse. Men know well that women will resist it. So they need to do it carefully and very covert ways, because they know that if they get caught, women will resist even more. We know they know this because they don’t act overtly abusive in the beginning. Narcissists groom victims to appear kind, loving, generous, and selfless. Because they know women don’t want to be treated badly. They know how to act appropriately. Men know that women want to be respected. So he acts like he respects you. Your Husband’s Therapist Has Misconceptions Anne: Psychologists are confused because they’re like. “Why would you be with someone who doesn’t respect you?” And you’re like, well, men are smart. They know what women want. And they also know how to get what they want in a way that seems socially acceptable. Through grooming, lying and manipulation, and lying is emotionally abusive. So when we learn about abuse, it’s important to look at how the abusive husband’s choices can’t be severed, from how the victim resists. And then how society views her resistance and responds to that resistance. Resisting abuse with supportive people who understand it’s abuse is totally different than trying to resist abuse when the abuser has collected a team of helpers to extend his abuse. Here’s an example of resisting abuse. One member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community decided to have lunch with her abusive ex. She was terrified of him, but she was weighing her safety needs. Not consciously, but subconsciously, she was willing to trade her emotional safety for financial safety. To resist his financial abuse, she hoped that if she had lunch with him, he would be more inclined to pay for the kids’ extracurricular activities. https://youtube.com/shorts/pjEKsR_cvy8 But a therapist might say something like. Why would you meet someone who’s been emotionally and psychologically abusive to you? Because they don’t get it. Despite her willingness to forgo emotional safety for financial safety, the lunch did not go well. When I talked to her, she felt ashamed that she didn’t anticipate how badly the lunch would go. And she said, Anne, I’m so weak. Why can’t I just say no to him? And I suggested she was resisting the abuse by thinking the lunch may make things better. I helped her realize she’s always been resisting the abuse. Five Things To Consider Before Therapy Anne: So the topic of today, which is your abusive husband’s therapist. If you think getting a therapist for your husband may help, that is a form of resistance to abuse. It just means you’re trying to figure it out, and you’re smart and need help. And so you’re going for help. The problem is that no one teaches victims of abuse that therapy is dangerous in this situation. So here are five things to consider before looking for your abusive husband’s therapist. 1st Thing To Consider: He Hasn’t Acquired Himself A Therapist Anne: Number one, if your husband was concerned about his behavior, he’d get himself a therapist. If he hasn’t acquired himself a therapist without you demanding it or bringing it up, therapy will not help him. So that’s the number one thing. 2nd Thing To Consider: Think About Why You Want Him To Attend Therapy Anne: Number two. Think about why you want him to attend therapy. This is an act of resistance to abuse. But think about what you want him to stop doing. Is it to stop lying? Soliciting prostitutes, being manipulative, being very irritable, unkind and demanding. If you’re thinking, I need him to go to therapy so he can stop lying. I get it. You’re resisting the abuse. I did this for a long time. I spent seven years trying to get my abuser more and more therapy, trying to get therapists to help. Therapy won’t help him, because he already knows the lying is wrong. He already knows. He hears this from all over the place. He’s heard it in church. His parents have told him. Society has told him don’t lie, don’t be manipulative. This is how to be a nice person. He can act that way. He’s acted that way before. He’s able to. But he has exploitative privilege and doesn’t want to give up the benefits that come from exploitative privilege. So if your aim is to have a therapist teach your husband the basics of decent human behavior. Like the lowest bar, which is don’t lie to your wife. That’s like the lowest bar. If that’s why you want him to go to therapy, think about that. Because therapy’s not going to help if someone has already heard that this is not an okay way to act, and they consistently choose to act this way. If they didn’t want to act that way, they would already have a different character. They would have made different choices throughout their lives. 3rd Thing To Consider: If You Insist On Therapy, He May Manipulate The Therapist Anne: If you arrange for your husband to see a therapist, or insist he attend therapy, again, this is you resisting the abuse. This is a safety seeking behavior, and it makes total sense that you’re doing this under the circumstances. Because everybody thinks therapy will be good. What they don’t tell you is that therapy generally increases an abusive man’s abusiveness. And here’s how you can know if it has increased his abusiveness. So number three, if you arrange for your husband to see a therapist, or insist he attend therapy, if he comes home and claims his therapist wants to meet with you. If he does this, it’s likely that he’s manipulated the therapist into believing that you are the issue. And in this case, he’s going to use therapy to escalate his emotional and psychological abuse with the therapist as his partner in the abuse. The therapist is unaware they’ve been manipulated. And if you go in, they’re going to start to say, “Hey, he has these needs that he’s worried about. He hasn’t felt safe enough to tell you up until this point.” And then they manipulate you into supporting your abuser. They trap you. 4th Thing To Consider: He May Leverage Therapy To Escalate Abuse Anne: Number four. If your abusive husband returns home and either manipulates his therapist’s words against you, or lies about what the therapist said in his session, he’s leveraging therapy to escalate his emotional and psychological abuse. So if that’s happening, you know, that therapy is making things worse for you. 5th Thing To Consider: Childhood Issues Don’t Cause bad Behavior Anne: And number five, childhood trauma, stress, shame, attachment issues, and other factors don’t cause abusive behavior. There are lots of people with childhood trauma. They’re not abusers. Everyone I know has felt shame. And not all of them are abusers. I know people with attachment issues, and they’re not abusers. Stress doesn’t cause abuse. When I get stressed, I eat ice cream. I don’t lie to people. Since therapists don’t recognize abuse as a diagnosable condition. They’re not going to diagnose someone as an abuser. When he goes to therapy, your abusive husband’s therapist will diagnose him with something else, maybe addiction. Maybe an attachment disorder, intimacy anorexia, anxiety, or depression. Maybe he’s going to say his testosterone is too low. Once that diagnosis has been given, pay attention to its impact on the abuser. Does it motivate him to seek treatment for that specific thing? Or does he just use it as justification? At one point, a therapist suggested to my ex that he had bipolar, and he was like, oh, cool. And that was it. Like, he wasn’t like, oh, really? I need to get some books about bipolar, what can I do to make that better? Like he was like, oh, okay. So number five includes that if he uses something that the therapist tells him as an excuse or remains active after receiving the therapist’s diagnosis. It’s a sign that he wasn’t interested in changing, despite what he told you. So keep those things in mind, as you’re resisting the abuse and thinking that therapy might help the situation. Part of the reason women resist abuse by trying to get their husband in therapy is her financial and physical safety depends on him. The Importance Of Dignity Anne: Similarly, the importance of dignity isn’t widely recognized. A therapist will likely interpret incorrectly the actions she’s taken to preserve her dignity in the face of abuse. The therapist will say you’re part of the problem because you’re sending your husband mixed signals. You might take action to preserve your dignity. And the therapist will say, well, you couldn’t have been scared of him because you stayed in the house. But often they’re missing that part about dignity. It’s so clear when you understand that women resist abuse by demanding dignity. A woman refuses to leave her home, even if she’s scared. Because she demands dignity. She loves her home. She’s lived in that neighborhood for years. Her kids can walk to school. She’s carefully tended the garden. She’s worked hard to make her home comfortable and nice. And that’s why she’s not going to leave, even if she’s scared. Because to her, that home represents her dignity. Your Husband’s Therapist Misinterprets Actions Anne: So your abusive husband’s therapist could mistakenly look at emotional and psychological abuse and tell the victim, or even the abuser, it’s her fault because she wouldn’t leave. Or that she didn’t communicate her needs clearly. If she’d just write them down, maybe he could do it. The abuser will tell a therapist. She isn’t willing to be open and transparent, or she’s belligerent. In other words, everything he’ll say about his wife would lead someone to think, “Oh, I get it. Yeah, she just keeps doing this. It’s just not the smartest.” But we are the smartest sisters. We’re trying to resist abuse in any way we can. So what therapists continually miss is the complete picture of how abuse works. You need to think about the action of the abuser, and then the resistance of the victim. Here’s an example. He lied to her about his pornography use and masturbation. The way he presented himself very much made her think that he’s kind, loving and considerate. She observed his actions and felt safe with him. It’s not like he seemed unsafe at the time, he was being kind and considerate. Then she expressly told him she didn’t want to marry someone who used exploitative material or have sex with a man who used it. And he lied to her about his past and present use. Then she expressly told him that she wanted a monogamous relationship, and he lied to her because he wasn’t sure that’s what he wanted, but he knew that telling her. “I don’t know if I want that.” Would cause her to distrust him. How can you live with a husband you don’t trust? Your Husband’s Therapist Is Unaware Of The Pattern of Control & Manipulation Anne: They attended church every week together. She wanted to resist abuse by having a strong family. to attend church, study scripture, pray to stay close to God and avoid exploitative material and infidelity. And he always acted as if he agreed with the sermons and that he was totally in line. You can see that deception and manipulation are constant. He makes choice after choice to withhold key information. An attachment disorder or personality disorder doesn’t cause this. He didn’t just get so that he couldn’t control himself. When you start to see that it wasn’t just one act of deceit, but a pattern of control and manipulation. This wasn’t just one moment. Or he happened to make a mistake. He decided to lie to her over and over again. And every time she resisted, he overpowered her with more lies and more manipulation. If after this episode, you still think you want your abusive husband to go to therapy, and you convince your abusive husband to get a therapist, or you set up an appointment for him. Your abusive husband’s therapist isn’t going to get this long form fact pattern in terms of his actions and your resistance over time. Instead, they’ll focus on why he feels the way he feels, what his goals are, and your abusive husband will take that opportunity to talk about his feelings, which revolve around you, the victims, perceived weaknesses and failings. The therapist will not interpret his actions as overt choices. And the abuser will certainly not share with a therapist all the ways you resisted this at every point, and all the ways he got around it. Your Husband’s Therapist Focuses On Feelings Over Actions Anne: Your abusive husband’s therapist won’t even ask to get the full picture of the systematic ways your emotionally and psychologically abusive husband has undermined you and overpowered your resistance at every turn. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we consistently recognize how victims like you resist abuse. This insight allows us to anticipate the various tactics your abusive husband might use to overcome your resistance to his abuse. We know this because we know he’s making deliberate choices at each step. Understanding this helps us empower victims like you, like us, with strategies to ensure our safety, without relying on him to get therapy. I teach these strategies in The Living Free Workshop. Especially when there’s a high chance that he’s going to exploit that situation. Your abusive husband’s therapist could help overpower your resistance. Since your abusive husband always attempts to conceal his true intentions, any effort you…

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Is My Husband Holding Me Back? How to Know – Sarah’s Story Apr 09, 2024

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Are you wondering, “Is my husband holding me back?” Understanding the signs that your husband may be sabotaging your personal progress is crucial in taking steps toward a healthier, happier life. Sarah, used the The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop to determine exactly what was going on and how to overcome the ways her husband was undermining her. In this episode, Sarah talks about overcoming the ways her husband held through using meditation. Using Meditation To Overcome What’s Holding You Back Anne: Sarah recently enrolled in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop and she’s been doing one meditation per week. What meditation are you on now? Sarah: I just finished the I AM LOVED Meditation. Writing Can Help Make Us Make Progress Anne: I wrote these meditations because at a certain point, talking was not helping me as much as meditation or yoga because I talk all the time. I never am not talking about it. If I hit a healing roadblock talking, it wasn’t actually getting the trauma out of my body or helping me that much. I started doing meditations on YouTube and several different other places. They were never specific to this situation, they weren’t gender specific. They weren’t exactly what I wanted, and so I wrote them. How everything has gone with BTR, it’s been, why not create the thing that doesn’t exist that I need. Sarah: And is actually so helpful. That and your emotional abuse quiz! It’s the only quiz that actually helped me understand what was happening! The Benefits Of The Meditation When YOur Husband Is Undermining You Sarah: I’ve loved them. I have absolutely loved them, I love that you can do them multiple times. They only take about a half hour. I love that they are specific to me. I feel like I’ve done a lot more healing with the betrayal meditations than I have in years of therapy or groups because it’s more individualized. It’s specific to me, and it’s what I think my pain is, and it allows me to get rid of that and be more open to the future and healing the wounds. I’ve really loved them. I’m an introvert, very much. If I could go back in time, I would’ve just done BTR from the get go. I think I would’ve just sped up my recovery a lot faster and I would’ve gotten to safety a lot faster if I had done BTR. Anne: Yeah, BTR Group Sessions or BTR Individual Sessions. Totally. BTR Group Sessions are awesome. It’s safety oriented, it’s the right group to go to if you want group support. It’s also really good to hear other women share their experiences. There are some women who love BTR Group Sessions and they want to do it in perpetuity, and I think that’s awesome. For me, there was a certain point where talking wasn’t going to help me anymore. My Husband’s Betrayal Is Holding Me Back Do you feel like you were kind of in that boat where when you’re thinking I still need to heal after betrayal and this seems like a better choice for me than therapy. Can you talk about how you thought about the difference between meditation and maybe another option? Sarah: With group, I think it was good. I was just drowning, I had no idea what I was doing, so I needed tools to figure out how to survive, how to do life, and how to move forward. Now that I’ve had some time, it’s been five years since my divorce and I have a lot more safety now, thanks to you. I mean, I still feel like I have a little bit of a wounded heart. It was a lot of pain and it’s a lot to go through and when you’re in the thick of it, my husbands betrayal was holding me back. For me personally, I was just ignoring the pain because I just have to survive. Now that I’m safe, I can address the pain and everything like that, but it’s a lot to go through. Before I found BTR, I was doing other therapy and groups that weren’t as helpful. Stopping My Ex-Husband From Holding Me Back Once I found BTR, it streamlined my healing and it went a lot faster with the meditations. I saw it and I was like, oh, I got to do this, I got to try it. Once I did the first one and I was just bawling because I just felt so seen by my maker as a whole person. I just felt like I’m valuable. Even after all this bad stuff has happened, I’m worth it. It’s been really healing. You can wade through the family dysfunction and generational dysfunction and identify for me personally, what I want to do for the future. I want to help my children and to help stop carrying on all of this weight and heaviness and pain. Anne: You’ve listened to my podcast for years and you’re very familiar with my voice. Sarah: Yes. Anne: I’m just thinking I’ve never asked this question before. After listening to my podcast for so long and hearing my voice so much, was it a natural extension to have me also be doing the meditation or was that weird? Sarah: No, I think it was great because I already felt like I knew you so well. You’re like an old friend. An old friend is just walking me through this path releasing me from my husband holding me back. It was great. I loved it, I found it more comforting rather than some stranger. I know your voice. Anne: Can we talk a little bit about your story? It’s been five years since your divorce, before you knew that your husband was using exploitative material and having affairs and lying and stuff. What did you think was going on back then? Betrayed: My Husband’s Addiction Was Holding Me Back From Peace Sarah: Knew there was exploitative material. I just didn’t know the extent of it. He kept that hidden really, really well. I thought, he must be in it again and that’s his thing. I’m going to do my life and we’ll just carry on. Then things progressively got worse and worse and worse. There were several instances where I knew something more was happening, so I actually prayed. I prayed, Heavenly Father, I know something is happening. I just don’t know for sure. Help me find out. That’s when I found out lots of bad things. He had a whole other email account and was meeting up with other women. I found out 2016, I stayed with him for almost a year and a half because he said he wanted to change. Then he just couldn’t be honest. He was truly holding me back from having peace. https://youtu.be/I9IwWhENrKU During that time, he started programs and I started therapy. We even did a couple of marriage therapy things, which was pointless, so unhelpful. I just kept finding things. He was not willing to be honest. We separated in April and I spent the night at a good friend’s house and she helped me find BTR. She held my hand through the whole thing. Honestly, BTR has been my lifeline again. It’s the fastest healing, fastest way to safety also dealing with him after divorce because we have children together. I did The Betrayal Trauma Workshop and was a night and day difference. It reduced my stress, reduced my anxiety. Everything is much smoother now because I know how to communicate, but still stand my ground and still get what I need. My Ex-Husband Is Still Holding Me Back After Divorce Anne: The Betrayal Trauma RecoveryWorkshop makes it very clear that communication is a trap. All the things you’ve been told by the therapist or clergy or other people that you need to improve your communication in order to work things out is just not the case. It seems ironic, you can throw all that therapy and all this stuff out the window. Communication’s not going to solve it. There are some communication strategies that will help you, but they’re still not solution based in terms of thinking that he’s going to be able to work with you. Am I making sense? It’s like recognizing, communication isn’t going to help. Then if communication is not going to help, then what do? I do if I have to message back and I know communication isn’t the thing to do, then what? You can’t just write back nonsense words! If you share kids, you have to communicate. It’s an interesting irony that I’m both saying. Communication isn’t going to solve anything, and also there are these specific communication strategies that will improve things simultaneously. Sarah: I guess it’s learning what communication strategies actually work. Anne: Because it’s strategic. You’ve learned to be more strategic? Sarah: Yes. He has definitely played a game for years and years and years and was really good at it. I’m in that same game, so I have to learn the rules. If I want to make a move to go a certain direction, I have to play the game. Strategic Communication Can Help You Move Forward Anne: It’s kind of like render into Caesar, what a Caesar’s or don’t cast your pearls before swine or agree with an adversary quickly. Turn the other cheek kind of things, and that’s where I got those strategies from studying that. What does this actually mean? Christ was saying that in relation to your enemy, so how does this actually deescalate the situation and help you be safe? Sarah: Yes, yes. It’s strategic. Anne: You can see what they’re doing and then you have specific tools to be able to be on his level. Because otherwise when we’re just straight up with them, they just weaponize everything against us. Sarah: For me, I think the biggest thing that I learned from The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop is to identify what he’s actually doing. Previously I was getting a whirlwind of messages and I never know what’s happening. But now I know what it’s, and it’s easier for me to deal with it. Strategically. Self-Discovery As A Path Forward Anne: Knowing you a little bit, I know that you’re extremely logical. I’m going to describe you as stoic. Tell me if I’m wrong. I can imagine that if you’re in therapy or something and they say, how do you feel? You would be like, well, it’s difficult. Sarah: Yes. Anne: Yes. Not that you haven’t cried, I’m sure you’ve cried, but you have more of a practical approach to life and your emotions. Regarding The Betrayal Trauma Workshop, has that been a different way to access parts of yourself that you haven’t been able to access in a different way? Sarah: Yes, I’m just right. That one for me was especially healing because you imagine your 6-year-old self and what she’s going through. The pure joy and pure love of a 6-year-old and accessing that 6-year-old and holding her, and that to me was really healing. The very first one, I am resolute. That’s the one that was the most healing for me. I don’t even know if I have the words for it. I was bawling. It was just so healing to be heard and seen. I don’t know how else to describe it. Anne: I think one of the reasons the first one sticks with people isn’t necessarily that it’s better than the other ones. It’s the first time that anyone does it. The meditations are set up so that the beginning goes through the same process every time for all 13 of them. He Was Holding Me Back: Expressing The Emotional Impact Of Betrayal Then there’s a visualization that is topic specific. I did that at the beginning of every single one. The words are a little bit different, processing something else. Even though you’re going through the same process, it’s getting to the heart of that topic or that characteristic that you want to feel. You want to feel resolute or you want to feel protected. It’s a powerful experience of things actually leaving your body that you didn’t know were stuck inside of you. Then when you do it again the second time, you get another layer of pain out. I don’t know if it’s ever as intense as the first time because it’s just so different from anything else you’ve experienced. What are your thoughts on that? Sarah: I do like that they follow the same format because I know what to expect. The workbook was helpful to identify certain areas of my body that I was feeling certain things. Then refer back to the workbook after the meditation is almost finished. Sometimes Repetition Helps Heal That’s helpful to see, I might need to do this one again. Or, I’m feeling good on this one. At first, I didn’t know they all followed the same format, I was like, okay, Anne, what you doing now? That they all follow the format. There’s a purpose in it, and now I understand the purpose of it. Anne: My thought was to get all the negative emotions out in the beginning. Get them all out and then fill you up with the positive thing that you wanted to become. Getting rid of the fear, getting rid of the trauma, getting rid of the insecurities, and also just the scripting from society. The places that says that you’re not good enough or that you’re not loved. Then the second part, which is that topic specific visualization is about that thing. It’s about the truth that you’re going for or to feel protection or to feel like you are just right. I like the just right one. At first I was going to do I am enough, but my problem has never been feeling like I wasn’t enough. My problem has been that I am too much. Instead of being like, you’re not good enough. It was always like, you are too much, calm down. There’s an element of you’re not good enough in that being too much. Finding A Healing Structure That Works That’s why I wanted to be just right in between being too much and not enough is just right. No matter what you’re like, you’re already just right. You are the person that you were supposed to be. It feels like that with your 6-year-old self because she’s so cute. She’s so messy and energetic and, adorable. Anne: Yeah, I mean, she’s a little bit too much and she’s a little bit not enough at the same time, and it makes her just right. She’s just delightful. The voiceover was actually done by my daughter, which if you hear it, you’ll hear her. She was very excited to be a part of it. Sarah: I like the format because I really do feel like you get rid of the pain. You get rid of the trauma, and then you build me up so much and I can go conquer the world. Anne: You’ve been able to do some amazing things, things you never thought that you’d be able to do. You remodeled your kitchen, that is huge. You broke down a wall. You’ve done just some incredible things in terms of BTR empowering you to do things that you never thought you’d be able to do. Meditation Can Help Me Move Forward When He’s Been Holding Me Back Can you talk about how BTR and either the podcast or the meditation helped you accomplish some things that you never thought possible? Sarah: Honestly, it comes down to being married for 13 years to an abusive man. It was always, oh, we got to do what’s best for the family and whatever. My desires or needs were always put underneath everyone else’s, mostly his. He was always holding me back. Then I got divorced and listened to the podcast I realized I can do whatever I want. It doesn’t matter what that is. It’s whatever I want to do. That’s what I’m going to do. I think I always had the desire. I just didn’t know how to do the things I wanted to do. Anne: Do you think also you had that scripting in your head that you couldn’t? Sarah: For sure. I had wanted to remodel my kitchen for years and years when I was married. But we never had the money. Well, guess what, even after a divorce, I really didn’t have the money either, but I figured out how to get the money. Achieving Personal Goals To Overcome What’s Been Holding Me Back Whereas if I was still married to him, I guarantee it would’ve been shut down. No, we don’t have the money for this. It’s never going to happen. It was definitely a script, a cultural script, spiritual script, I have to listen to him and do what he wants. BTR definitely helped me realize my desires and my wants, and then I just had to figure out how to do it. I have on my wall, my miracle board, I have pictures on there that I want to achieve.I have switched them out because I have actually done them. I’ve gone to Hawaii, I’ve gone to Disneyland, I’ve redone my kitchen. I am currently redoing my yard. These are things that I wanted to do for so long and I just didn’t know how to do them. First, realizing that I can do them, I just have to figure out how to do it. I can do it if I want. I just have to figure it out. That was the biggest hurdle for me. A…

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Fighting A Narcissist For Custody – Tina’s Story Apr 02, 2024

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Fighting a narcissist for custody is usually a complex, painful, and grueling process that can take years. Tina Swithin joins Anne to educate and empower victims as they fight for their children in and out of court. If you need support, learn about our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. #Intimidation And More Abuse In A Custody Battle With A Narcissist A Custody Battle With A Narcissist When victims of narcissistic abuse start a custody battle, the narcissist might . . . Turn family and friends against you, saying you’re crazy, abusive, a bad mom, etc. Shame you for putting the children through a divorce Threaten to take the children Cut off financial support Put cameras in your home, car, etc Expecting more emotional, psychological, and even physical abuse is a must for every woman in a custody battle with a narcissist. BTR has Certified High Conflict Divorce Coaches, who can help you through the process. Attend a BTR Group Session TODAY. #2 Lies, Lies & More Lies In A Custody Battle With A Narcissist Divorcing a narcissist means dealing with lies and manipulation. It can be frustrating to hear the falsehoods and out of the courtroom. Narcissists lie to judges, attorneys, police officers, colleagues. They’ll even lie to your boss, family, friends, and children. Understanding why they do this is crucial. The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop explains their behavior and offers strategies to protect yourself during a custody battle. It’s especially hard when a narcissistic abuser lies to the court. Women often find themselves defending against things they haven’t done. The Narcissist Most courts don’t take narcissistic abuse seriously. Many women are treated as if they are crazy, lying, or exaggerating. Knowing this can help women plan ahead. Victims can: Hire a lawyer who understands abuse and trauma Talk to a divorce expert, like a BTR Coach, for advice on how to act in court Take The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop At BTR, we understand the fear that comes with a custody battle against a narcissist. The fear of losing your children can get intense. Every victim deserves a safe place to ask questions, and connect with others who understand. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions meet daily in every time zone. We’d love to see you in a Group Session TODAY. FIGHTING A NARCISSIST FOR CUSTODY Transcript: Fighting A Narcissist For Custody Anne: Tina Swithin is joining me on today’s episode.I’m so honored that she’s willing to share her story with us. Tina survived, a category five divorce hurricane, while acting as her own attorney in a high conflict custody battle that turned her family’s life upside down for 10 years. She took shelter from the storm by chronicling her journey in her now internationally recognized blog, One Mom’s Battle, with all odds against her. Tina’s battle ended on August 30th, 2019. When she successfully terminated her ex-husband’s parental rights. She continues to champion children’s rights through her family court advocacy. Welcome, Tina. Tina: Thank you so much for having me. I’m absolutely honored to be here. Dealing With Hidden Abuse Anne: Tina. You are impressive. Your story and resources inspired me to believe that I could also be delivered. From the post-separation and financial abuse in divorce that my children and I went through. And we did. And I now teach women’s strategies. I used to get free in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. My listeners are all women experiencing hidden abuse in one form or another. So women who listen to this podcast without their husband knowing are generally at the beginning of their journey in recognizing the abuse. For example, they may have found exploitative material on a computer, or suspect their husband is having an affair. Women who listen to this podcast in general have found something about their husband and are trying to grapple with, what do I do now? Although many women who use services at Betrayal Trauma Recovery are already divorced. But talking about women who are not thinking of divorce may be thinking, “Let’s try couple’s therapy, or maybe if I could get him a diagnosis, that would help.” I’d love your perspective on what they need to prepare for, just in case, even if they’re not sure if they want to get divorced. Sort of like having a savings account, you know, you never want to lose your job, but you have a savings account just in case you do. Can we start there? Recognizing Narcissistic Abuse Anne: It’s so hard especially when your in-laws are emotionally abusive too. What do you wish you had known years before you even recognized your husband was a narcissist? Tina: Absolutely. I relate so much to the foundation of your program. In my situation, it was a infidelity of sorts. When I had my awakening, that something was really off. I found out that we had debt over a million dollars, and he did that behind my back. Still, to this day, with all the information I have. I can’t. grasp that amount of money, how someone can go in debt to that degree. So I had my entire world pulled out from under me. I ended up on a therapist’s couch, because the gaslighting was so intense, desperate to understand my role. Still trying to take ownership of issues and understand what I could do to fix him. I still remember I had never heard the term narcissistic personality disorder. My therapist gave me those three words and had me read the description. I was relieved, because I thought, Oh my gosh, if I know what we’re dealing with. If there’s a label, if there’s a diagnosis, even though she couldn’t diagnose him, but she said, I think you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse. Back then, I was a fixer, so in my mind, I was so excited to have something to work with. Desire To Fix The Relationship Anne: Yeah, that desire to resolve it is actually a form of resistance to abuse. Finding out you have a narcissistic husband gave you something to fix. It’s one of the many ways victims try to get to safety. So you were always working towards safety, resisting the abuse. By going to therapy, trying to resolve the problem. Resistance comes in different forms. And as we learn more effective strategies. We can actually start to gain some traction and start making our way to safety. But yeah, it’s so common to think that like, “Oh, I can go to therapy with him and we can actually resolve this. We can get help.” Tina: Yeah, I remember going home and telling him, “She said, you’re a narcissist.” We looked it up. Six months later, I understood she was trying to tell me: there is no fixing this. This is either your life or you leave. And it took me a while to grasp that. So I would have had time to plan, but back then, there were no resources for this type of situation. I’m really thankful for the work you’re doing, because it gives people information on how to prepare for something like this. Fighting A Narcissist For Custody Begins Tina: I don’t know if you can ever fully be prepared. But things that I wish I would have done differently. I’m getting a full financial picture of our situation. I was in the dark with finances, to the point where I had no idea how much money we had. We lived in a gated community, in a nice home. If I wanted a car, we got me a new car. And I lived a life where I had no insight. Grocery money is in my checking account. But I am kept in the dark. So when our divorce and child custody battle started. I didn’t know what to put on that paperwork. I truly had no idea where the money was, what was happening. And for that reason, I started my new life and my new chapter with less than $200 to my name. I suffered financial abuse, which was a huge part of the abuse I suffered. Although during the marriage, I didn’t know that was financial abuse. I just thought he took care of everything. And when we ended up in the family court system, he hired an attorney. https://youtu.be/gvxpK9yloco I was not. I stood in court like a deer in the headlights. With no knowledge of the system, I had never been in court. I am very conflict avoidant by nature, and so it was a very uneven playing field. It’s not what you know, it’s what you can prove. And I wasn’t able to prove anything. I was at a huge disadvantage. Documenting Abuse While Fighting For Custody Tina: I would have also been documenting the issues directly related to my children, and how he affected them. I look back and want to hug myself 12 years ago, because in my naive mind, he had never participated in our daughter’s lives. He had never changed a diaper. He never cared to be involved. And so I assumed I would continue parenting, and he would have limited involvement. Well, that’s not what happens when you divorce a narcissist. He knew that the children were all I cared about. And so you can imagine that’s exactly where he went. But I had no proof. In reality, a lot of it doesn’t matter. If somebody stands up in the family court system and says, Hey, I’ve never been a parent. But I’m here, put me in coach, they’re going to give them the opportunity. But I needed to document the things that were damaging to my children. The abuse, the emotional abuse, the short temper, things where his behaviors obviously affected my children. Anne: So you hear the therapist tell you maybe he’s a narcissist. And the only thing you can do with a narcissist is just survive narcissistic abuse. And you start thinking, okay, “Well maybe we can get help now.” I want to talk about this stage for a minute, because many women are trying to get help for their husband. Again, that’s a form of resistance, because you’re trying to make sure the abuse stops. I found that a lot of women in this stage don’t want to get divorced. Because divorce is not an option for them. They also don’t want education about divorce. Loneliness & Seeing Who He Really Is Anne: In my situation, I didn’t file for divorce, he did, and I was unprepared. So once we find out something serious about our husband, even if divorce isn’t on the table for us. Being prepared for what could happen is so important. Because once we see reality, once we see a narcissist, and begin fighting a narcissist for custody, we see who he really is, We don’t know what he’s going to do. So in the Living Free Workshop, we actually have a section about financial safety. Even if women aren’t considering divorce, so they can be financially safe. No matter what’s going to happen. Can you talk about that time after the therapist told you her theory that he was a narcissist, and after you confronted him? And said, “Hey, she said you’re a narcissist, let’s try to figure this out.” Tina: Two years before I ended up on that therapist’s couch, I had emotionally checked out. I knew things were really wrong. I remember sitting down with him one day and saying, I feel that if someone even gave me a hug right now, I would have an affair with them and that is not who I am. Also, I never cheated on anyone in my life, but I was trying to describe to him how lonely I felt. I was married, but I never felt more alone in my life. Even when I was single, I have not felt this isolated and alone. It was around that time that I ended up in the therapist’s office. He refused to go. Therapy & Gaslighting Tina: So when she gave me those words that started my journey to enlightenment on the topic, I went home. He listened to what I had to say. And he said, that doesn’t sound like me. That sounds like my dad. And in my mind, I’m laughing going, well, he and his dad are the same person. But at that point, he knew that I was ready to leave. And so he agreed to go to therapy with me. But here’s the funny part. He insisted it be a man, and it be a PhD. So we found this psychologist, and spent six months in what could be described as marital therapy. And it was at about the six month mark, where we unpacked everything and it was all out there. And the psychologist said, “I really think you should do a psychological evaluation. I think there could be a personality disorder or something deeper that I’m not qualified to diagnose.” That was the day my ex-husband said our marriage was over. We drove there in separate cars, and he called me afterwards. And said, “I just called the psychologist and told him that we’re done with marriage therapy and that it’s over. Because you have successfully manipulated him.” The gaslighting, and I’m thinking, did I manipulate him? I was just sharing our truth. I remember feeling like I was punched in the gut during the marriage therapy. The therapist originally wanted to meet with me privately, then him privately, and then us both together. Therapist Recognizes Husband’s Lies & Abuse Escalates Tina: But his lies were so thick, and I was constantly saying, but that’s not what happened. This is what happened. To the point where the therapist said, “I don’t feel comfortable meeting with him alone, because I can’t trust anything he says. I need Tina here to verify the truth.” Anne: That is so remarkable. In so many cases I hear about, the therapist believes him. That the therapist took this, stepped back and was like, “Mmm, he’s not telling the truth.” That is a good therapist right there. Tina: Absolutely. I’m so grateful, not only for the one who originally planted the seed, but also for that one, because for me, it was validation, and most people don’t get that. Even in the world of therapy, there are so many therapists and psychologists who are not trained in narcissistic abuse. To where I wouldn’t have received that validation from most mental health professionals. So I’m incredibly grateful. That was the end of our marriage. The irony is that I wasn’t the one who filed for divorce. I wish it was just him going in and filing. It was actually him terrorizing me before he filed for divorce. I had gone to my sister’s house for the weekend, and he basically had moving vans ready. The second I pulled out of the driveway. He took everything I owned, completely stripped my house bare. Bizarre Behaviors Tina: It was the most bizarre chilling scene to walk back into. He had redecorated my bedroom to look like that of a toddler’s. It’s hard to even describe to this day, cleared my house of every material possession that I owned, so that he could go in and say that all happened during our marriage, and we have no assets. And then the next day he went and filed for divorce. Very sociopathic, is what a lot of professionals have pointed out to me. Anne: That is so crazy. And so chilling. It reminds me of when my ex, we were married, had a protective order, and he came to remove all his stuff out of the house. I wasn’t there, but my dad was. My dad said it was the strangest and most bizarre scene. He said my ex acted as if he were going on a camping trip. Not packing up his entire life, and leaving his own home, his own children, and his own wife. It was as if nothing happened and he was just packing up. For, you know, a couple of days. And it’s so chilling and weird. So I really empathize with that. You talked about two things you wish you would’ve known. So the first was to be more aware of the finances. And the second was to document the damage he’d done to your children because you would soon be dealing with custody. Let’s talk about the divorce process itself. And how many bizarre things can use the actual divorce process as an extension of the abuse to continue abusing. Post-Separation Abuse When Fighting For Custody Tina: Right, and before we do that, I want to add, a third one. That I think, in reflection, in hindsight, that I would really emphasize is choosing your battles wisely. The narcissist will invite you to so many different battles. And when you engage in every one of them, it muddies the water for the family court system. So then It looks like you’re both high conflict. So that would be the third one that I would add, in addition to the financial picture and documentation. Is really choosing your battles wisely and being aware of what t…

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