No woman wants to face the horror of her husband’s betrayal. Or have to recover from the emotional, physical & financial trauma and never-ending consequences. But these courageous women DID. And we’ll walk with you, so YOU can too. If you’re experiencing pain, chaos, and isolation due to your husband’s lying, anger, gaslighting, manipulation, infidelity, and/or emotional abuse… If he’s undermined you and condemned you as an angry, codependent, controlling gold-digger… If you think your husband might be an addict or narcissist. Or even if he’s “just” a jerk… If your husband (or ex) is miserable to be around, this podcast is for YOU.
What to Know When Your In-Laws Are Emotionally Abusive Too
Dec 31, 2024
Show notes
If your in-laws enable emotional abuse, you’re not alone. Tragically, this is an extremely common occurrence for victims. Tanya shares her heartbreaking story of living through financial, physical, and emotional abuse – all while her in-laws enable her abuser. If you need live support, learn about our online Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. Transcription: When Your In-Laws Are Emotionally Abusive Too Anne: I have a member of the BTR community on today’s episode, we’re going to call her Tania. I recorded this a few years ago. Welcome, Tanya. Tanya: Thank you so much for having me. Originally, I’m from Africa, but I moved to Canada when I was 16 years old. And I was young, my first time living without my parents. In our culture, we’re not supposed to marry out of the African community. But he was a football player. He moved to Canada from Africa to play a minor league, and when we met, it was pure bliss to meet someone like him. Because I came from a society that men are very, I can say, machos. Peer Pressure & Relationship Continuation Tanya: I had a couple family members involved in a very abusive relationship. And for me, it was easy to recognize, but I couldn’t break it off right away. Because it would be like dumb of me. So I had to get to know him and see what was going on. Anne: When you say dumb of you, why did you think at the time it would be dumb of you to break it off? Tanya: Because I thought that I didn’t give him a chance. Tanya: I had friends around me also that were like, you need to get to know him better so that you can make that decision. So I felt like because of the peer pressure that I had around me. Anne: So people are saying you can’t just judge him right off the bat. Because you need to get to know him better. How does it progress from there? Tanya: At that time I was only 18 years old. Also it was the first time living in a different country by myself. I was just like, okay, I can make my boundaries. Because I’m not married to him and he’s not really like my boyfriend. Additionally I have my apartment and I don’t have to go to his house. Long-Distance Relationship Challenges Tanya: But that summer, he got laid off from football, so he had to move back to the United States where there is another league that wanted him. I just felt like, yeah, he’s moving back to the United States. Also he’s an American. I just thought, yeah, our relationship is done. I don’t have to pursue that relationship anymore, but we reconnected again and we start dating. Then he decided, oh, do you want to come to visit? I said, yes. I just felt like, oh, I can rescue him for some reason, I just thought like, I can talk to him. Maybe influence him in a better way because the difference between me and him in what I felt like it was too wild. He was a football player, but I just started noticing differences amongst our values and whatever I believed about family. When I came to visit him here in the United States, I just told him, I don’t, think this is going to work. One, because I’m just starting to see that our personalities don’t really go together. First Major Incident Of Anger Tanya: And right away I saw this anger come out of him. I couldn’t believe so I grabbed my phone and called my friend. I said, he is angry. In fact he shows anger that I don’t think I can deal with. My friend said, again, I think you’re judging him for just one time situation. You are in his country. So you should chill out and calm down. He’s a good candidate for marriage. He would speak to my friends about marriage, saying he would like to marry me. That I’m a good person. That he likes me because I am not like this American woman. Instead, they’re more into material things, and I’m very grounded. So my friend said, you know, I think you should try it. First Major Incident Of Physical Abuse Tanya: He asked me to marry him. My friends threw a big engagement party. I left my job, left my apartment, my car, I moved to the United States. And that time his friend was also married with a woman from Columbia. She said, oh, let’s go to brunch. When we were at the brunch, it was only two hours. We took a long time to come home, because our car stopped and we were looking for someone to help us see what was going on with the car. He was calling me, was calling me, was calling me. It took us three hours to get back home. As soon as we get back home, he pushes my phone. Then he throws the phone on the floor and grabs my computer. After that, he throws the computer on the ground. So everything is broken. My friend said, Tanya, what are you going to do now? Because you already accept this man proposal. So now do you want to return to Canada? What’s everyone going to say? Anne: Where’s your friend from Tanya: A couple of them were Canadians. When Your In-Laws Enable Emotional Abuse Anne: Would you say, where you’re from in Africa, that this was a cultural thing? That men just get mad and it’s no big deal? Tanya: It’s pretty common, but it depends also on the family you came from, because my family were not like that. Meeting him and his family and seeing the manipulation. Especially the way they speak and silent treatment. Then I already knew that this marriage was not supposed to happen. Because it was something I’ve never experienced, and it goes back to this. Exploitative Material: Abuse In & Of Itself Tanya: Pornography was something that I never heard, not in my house as I was growing up. Even with my friends in Canada. Because we never spoke about it. But when I returned to the United States, he had invited me to my in-laws home in Chicago. Then sleeping downstairs in their basement, he had this stuff. Because he wanted to watch, I was shocked. And then I said, no, your family is from Africa. How come you have this inside your parents’ home? Coercing the Victim Into Viewing exploitative Material At In-Laws Home Tanya: This is not supposed to happen. I was so shocked that he had something like that inside his parents’ home. But I guess he was hiding, and he’s like, let’s watch. I said, no, I cannot watch it. Because I’m a Christian, so I can’t watch it. He was very angry again. He said, There are so many women that would like to be with me. because I’m an American football player and I played for NFL. Including this team, also that team. And do you know how many women would like to be in your place right now? You’re telling me no? It’s just sex. I said, no. For me, it’s not just. No, I cannot do this. https://youtu.be/UD5nwqHXjuo And we broke up. We stopped talking for three or four days. But mind you, I’m already here in the United States. We’re already preparing for this marriage. What will I tell people that I’m breaking up because of this? Because I found it in his parents basement? I felt like everyone around me was just trying to invalidate me? Because I found this guy that plays NFL, I guess it is a big thing. And I also noticed that he was able to get me as an African, I guess, humble and naive. That would bend to whatever it is that he wanted to. And the abuse was not just based on just this. It escalated to almost everything, not just from him, but also from his family members. Her Emotionally Abusive In-Laws Anne: So his psychological abuse, isn’t just coming from him. But he’s also roping your in-laws into emotionally abusing you and coercing you. Tanya: Exactly. The emotional abuse from my in-laws was, How can you speak up? Who are you? How dare you go out there and speak up? This is our son. He’s been doing so great. He plays football so well. He’s successful. You’re supposed to be lucky that you have him in your life. Now you’re coming to us, telling us that he’s abusive, that he calls you names. That he takes stuff away from you. Because he took my green card. He took my Canadian citizenship. He would take bank cards. Throughout our marriage, I did not have access to any finances. Anne: So you ended up marrying him, then. Tanya: This time that I left him would be my third time leaving him. Anne: So talk about the first couple of times you left. Tanya: The abuse was also from my in-laws. I would call my in-laws, I said next time he asks me to do any kind of behavior that I don’t want to. I’ll call the police. Because how can I have it with my husband, and he calls me the B word? I’m not going to do that. And when I started speaking up, the family didn’t like it. My in-laws emotionally abused me by blaming me. They would say, “No, it’s you. You have a big mouth. You speak too much.” Coercion & Leaving Involving In-Laws In The Abuse I went upstairs and put my son to bed. Then he says, “You have to know that this marriage is between me and you. And if you want me to be closer to you, you have to understand. There are certain things that a wife should do.” I said, “What?” He says, “First off, we need to start with sex. If you can give me this. I can go downstairs and speak to my mom to stop.” Anne: Wow, so coercion right there. Yeah, in that moment he’s coercing you. Tanya: And I left him. My son was only three months at that time. He wasn’t calling, he wasn’t contacting, which for me was fine. Because I have already gone through so much with him. And no support around me. In-Laws Are Emotionally Abusive By Convincing Victims to Stay Tanya: His dad calls me. I completely understand what you’re talking about. I want to apologize, but we are Christians, and you have to understand you guys are married. We don’t believe in divorce. And I don’t want you to raise a son without a father. I promise you that I’ll take him to a marriage counselor. He’ll do therapy, and I’ll be beside you. I just don’t want you to tell anybody. Please come back, I am here and I’ll support you. I said, “I don’t want to come back. Because it’s been almost a year, and I haven’t seen any support from any of you. I feel like you guys are blaming me for whatever is going on.” And I don’t even understand what was going on. That was the first time, and they begged, and he asked, and I came back. And it was awful. The abusive therapist blamed me. In-Laws Are Emotionally Abusive By Accusing Victims of “Ruining” the Abuser’s Life Tanya: Three months after me being back, he was starting again, verbally abusing me. It was just a cycle, verbally abusing me. No one will believe you. You just came back from Canada. I know it’s something with you. You want to return here to destroy my career. I said, but your dad promised me. So I stayed for another three years. Anne: Yeah, that’s common. My in-laws emotionally abused me by telling me that I was trying to ruin her son’s life. And I was like, what are you talking about? I’m trying to save our marriage. But the in-laws accusation, You’re trying to harm our son.” Is what a lot of in-laws say. Tanya: My in-laws said, I was trying to destroy his career. I was trying to destroy his family. But it was because he was having an affair with a woman from his gym. And not just one. There was multiple. Anne: And your in-laws knew about the abuse and they still blamed you? Tanya: My in-laws knew about the abuse. His mom blames me. He would watch it in front of me. He would sleep outside the home. Coercion Is Easier For Abusers When In-Laws Enable It Tanya: He completely isolated me from everyone at this time. Now, I wasn’t even able to contact my family members. Because I started to feel so ashamed. So my family practically, they wash their hands. My in-laws enable him to continue to abuse. I was home with my son, worried about COVID. He had this cough that we’re afraid of. It was so congested. And he wouldn’t give me the car keys or money to take my son to the hospital. That day, he came home at one o’clock in the morning. Me and my son were sleeping, and he comes upstairs. He didn’t take a shower, and he wants to jump in bed. And I told him, no, you can’t. My son also looks at him and says, “No, you can’t”. And he says, This is my home, this is my bed, I’ll sleep here. I said, No, you can’t. And I stood up off the bed, and as I was walking, he came behind me. He starts doing like thrusting movement. And I push him. And he calls me B word the S word. Nobody wants me. Nobody likes me, I am nothing. Look at me znd look at him as a football player. Everybody wants to be with him. I said, go, I don’t care what women would like to be with you. But I will not stand you talking to me like that anymore. Never again, not in front of my son. And he says, listen, tonight we’ll see who’s going to live. My son started crying, and I grabbed my son. I went to another room and closed the door. I run outside and he comes behind me. Incident Leading To Arrest Tanya: He grabs my night down and pushes the night ground, and I grab a picture frame and throw the picture frame in his head. He calls the police. The police came in and they said, what happened? I start to explain, and he says, even my son saw her throwing the picture frame on me. Anne: So you are arrested for domestic violence after being abused consistently for years. Which probably you weren’t actually abusive, here’s an emotional abuse checklist to check. You weren’t guilty, because there is no such thing as reactive abuse. What happens next? In-Laws Are Emotionally Abusive By Shaming & Guilting Victims Into Staying Tanya: In jail, I felt this peace coming over me. I know God took me out, of the situation. Because all these years, I was not ever, ever able to explain to anyone what was going on. When I went to church, I told them, “Listen. This is what he does sexually. This is what he says. Yes, I am his wife. But how can a wife have be with her husband that does those things? That calls her names. How can I do that?” Everyone that I went to, they were like, “You have to try. You have to save your marriage.” The more I tried, the more he was abusing me. In fact the more I cleaned the home, became more submissive, and dressed up, he was more abusive. I didn’t speak to my family. The more I didn’t go to his place of work, the more I stayed home. Anything I tried, it was abuse. To the point where I was starting to develop hives all over my body. I was starting to develop anxiety. Anyone who would come to my home and knock on the door would have these panic attacks. When I went to jail, everything stopped. I stayed in jail for three days. I didn’t have any panic attacks. Finding Help To Get On My Feet Tanya: When I came out of jail, I didn’t have a place to go. Because again, he isolated me from anything that I know, everybody that I know. I couldn’t go home. One of the moms called, and she told me, I want to invite you to bring your son. Let’s play soccer, go to the beach. Let’s do something. I said, please help me. Also, I just came out of jail and she says, where are you? I told her where I was. Right away, she came to pick me up. And took me to her home. I stayed there for almost a month. After a month, I had to find a place to go. Shelters helped me with food and lawyers. Also people that I can talk to to help me with my case. I’m here, I haven’t gone home yet, and our case is still going on. He was fighting to take custody of my son for almost a month. I wasn’t allowed to see my son. My lawyer actually helped me recover the custody. So now we have 50/50. Anne: Okay. Tanya’s Current Living Situation Anne: You’re staying in an apartment with the help of the domestic violence shelter now. Tanya: Yes, and since I have been here in this apartment, he’s been trying to contact me. He’s telling me he doesn’t want to get a divorce, and that he’s sorry. He’s telling me that he doesn’t know why he has been behaving the way he does. But I still have this confusion in my head. Outside, everyone sees him as this wonderful man. He’s a coach. He’s a leader in our community. He volunteers at my son’s school. He helps his clients develop this positive attitude about themselves. About their bodies, minds, and soul. But at home, he was so disrespectful to me. That I lost…
5 Ways To Spot Narcissistic Abuse in Marriage
Dec 24, 2024
Show notes
If you’re experiencing narcissistic abuse, know that you’re not alone. How to spot your husband’s narcissistic abuse: 1. He Makes Harmful Choices Seem Like “Accidents” One early sign of narcissistic abuse is when your husband does something hurtful, suspicious, or confusing, then acts like it was just an accident. Maybe he “accidentally” sends a message to the wrong person. Maybe he “accidentally” leaves out key details. And then he makes you feel unreasonable one for asking questions. 2. He Lies When Something Feels Off Another sign of narcissistic abuse is that when something doesn’t add up, you can’t quite get a straight answer. When you bring it up, he may: Minimize your concern Reassure you just enough to calm you down Make promises about the future Shift the focus to his stress, pain, or needs You might leave the conversation thinking, maybe it’s not that bad… maybe I overreacted. 3. He Isolates You From People Who Care About You Narcissistic abuse often creates isolation. You may stop sharing the truth because you feel embarrassed, ashamed, or afraid of what people will think. 4. He Future Fakes To Keep You Invested Future faking is when he promises a better future to keep you attached in the present. He might say: “Things will be different soon.” “After this job changes, I’ll be more available.” “Once we get married, I’ll be more committed.” “When we buy the house, everything will calm down.” “I’m going to change.” That’s one of the cruelest parts of narcissistic abuse. He gives you just enough hope to make you think you’re moving toward something good. 5. He Gives Strange, Specific Denials One major sign of narcissistic abuse is when your husband denies something in a weirdly specific way. Not just, “I didn’t cheat.” But something oddly detailed. Something you didn’t even ask. When a husband offers strangely detailed denials, it may be because he’s trying to cover the exact truth. Narcissistic Abuse Makes You Blame Yourself One of the most painful parts of narcissistic abuse is that you may start believing his behavior is your fault. But it’s not. Narcissistic abuse works by keeping you focused on fixing yourself while he keeps hiding what he’s doing. Narcissistic Abuse in Marriage Is Not Normal Conflict Normal marriage conflict involves two people who are honest, accountable, and willing to repair harm. Narcissistic abuse is different. It’s when he uses deception, manipulation, blame-shifting, secrecy, coercion, and control. These are common emotional abuse tactics. To see if he’s using any one of the 19 different tactics, take my free emotional abuse test. That’s why couples therapy can make things worse. If he lies to you, he’ll keep lying to you in therapy. You Can Learn To Spot Narcissistic Abuse If your husband’s behavior keeps leaving you confused, anxious, isolated, ashamed, or responsible for problems you didn’t create, it may be time to look at the pattern. If you relate and need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today. Transcript: 5 Ways To Spot Narcissistic Abuse Anne: I have Rachel and Megan Wilford on today’s episode. They are cousins, and they also recently started podcasting and their podcast is called the Traumedy Show. Which is of course, a mix of trauma and comedy. Welcome Rachel and Megan. Rachel: Thank you so much for having us. We’re so excited to be here with you. Megan: Thank you. Narcissistic Abuse: Discovering A Secret Life Anne: When I first found out that my husband was using explicit material, and that he had this secret life that I didn’t know about, we just had a baby. I think if I had not had children, then my life would have taken kind of a different turn at that point. But because I had a child. Also because he was saying, “I’m going to go to a pornography addiction recovery.” I thought okay, I’ll try and work this out because we’ve got a kid. Comedy As A Coping Mechanism For Narcissistic Abuse Anne: Anyway, instead of, starting podcasting about that at that time, I actually started a comedy blog called Coming To Grips. I got a lot of followers, which was fun, but I never wrote about what was actually happening. So I was processing my pain through the lens of comedy. I think a lot of comedians do that. I’ve since pulled it from the internet. When my book comes out, I will be simultaneously publishing my comedy blog. So people can kind of read them side by side, to be like, okay, this is what was really happening. And then this is how she was kind of…. Anne: This is the public face that I was showing online. I was telling people in person, but I wasn’t really publishing online about it. Megan: Processing it. The Traumedy Show Came Out Of Narcissistic Abuse Rachel: I love what you just shared about using comedy to process what you were going through. Because that’s what we do too. I think we would say that we come from a family of traumedians. We have a big family and we all lean into dark humor and laugh a lot. We’re a bunch of jokesters. When my life started blowing up, I definitely was leaning into comedy about it pretty quickly. The day that I left my ex-fiance, I started dreaming about what I could do with my whole story. Coming up with one liners about it. I was thinking about like a standup comedy set, just dreaming big. Then I ended up getting into another relationship in the winter. About six months after, that also imploded in a similar way. And for about a week after that relationship ended, I was in this really crazy creative processing mode. Where I was writing all the time and I was so mad and all these words were coming to me. Then all of a sudden I lost it. Like it was like a cord was cut and I started asking God, okay, where can I channel this now? So I started creating our podcast all day long, came up with the artwork, came up with the name. I invited Megan over and sat her down and pitched it to her and she was down for it. That’s how the podcast came to be. Anne: Let’s start with that. Five Ways To Spot Narcissistic Abuse Anne: This episode is called Five Ways to Spot Narcissistic Abuse. So as Rachel tells her story, I’m going to flag the things that indicated, hey, this is a situation that is emotionally dangerous, that is psychologically dangerous. So I’ll be pointing those out as she shares her story. Can you start at the beginning? How did your relationship start? Did you recognize any red flags at first? Rachel: I would say that there were red flags from the beginning, but I started dating him really young. I was 17 and he was 20 and he was from my same hometown. We had never met before, but he friended me on Facebook. It was back in the day when everybody was just kind of friending everybody on Facebook. But we quickly started talking and quickly started dating. I’m 29 now. I was with him for about 10 and a half years. Just as a spoiler alert, there’s two engagements in this story too, with him. Yeah, wait. Anne: Can’t wait. Rachel: Good. So, I would say pretty early on I started spotting lying and hiding things. 1st Sign Of Narcissistic Abuse: Making You Think Something Is An Accident Rachel: He pretty quickly put me and his ex in a group chat accidentally a couple of months into our relationship. Anne: “Accidentally?” Do you think it was on purpose now? Rachel: No. He had a lot of technological blunders over the course of our relationship. That kind of led to me finding things out and the demise of the whole thing. Anne: Maybe that’s going to be number one red flag. I’m going to say here that they do things on purpose sometimes. And they make you think it’s an accident. That’s not your case, Rachel. Sorry, I’m not trying to be like, no, you don’t know what you’re talking about. That’s not what I’m trying to say. In your specific case it was an accident . But in general, they’re strangely the stupidest smart people or like the smart stupid people. Victims have a really hard time because they’re like, for how smart he is, why is he doing this? I want to just maybe throw out the idea that one of the things you can look for is that dissonance. When you’re like, wait, if they’re so smart, why are they doing this thing? In so many cases, it’s actually on purpose to throw people off, to get people confused. Teaming Up With The Other Woman Rachel: This girl on our podcast, I call her Natasha and there’s more to the story with her. But since our podcast came out, she actually came on and I interviewed her. She reached out to me and she and I are now friends 11 years later. It’s pretty awesome. There’s a lot of teaming up with the other woman that happened since our podcast. Yeah. So he puts Natasha and I in a group chat and so she and I have each other’s numbers. He sends a picture of him snowboarding and then a couple of months later, both to me and her. Anne: So is he intending to send it to both of you? Who did he intend to send it to? https://youtu.be/ZvQwP2Hzjfk Rachel: He was intending to send it to both of us, he didn’t have an iPhone. He had like a Windows phone. He didn’t realize that if you sent it in the same thread, it would go in a group chat at the time. A couple months later, it’s my 18th birthday and he cheats on me with her. He drives down to San Diego to pick her up from the airport. The next day on my 18th birthday, I get a text from her, since she now has my number, that he came down, picked her up and made a move on her. And they kissed, all this stuff. 2nd Sign Of Narcissistic Abuse: I’m Going To Give Him Another Chance Rachel: I end up breaking up with him at that time. Then I ended up getting back together with him a week later. I wish that I never had. Staying broken up when you are a victim of narcissistic abuse would’ve been better. Anne: This is a crossroads for you. What did he say to groom you to get back together with him? Rachel: Good question. Anne: Maybe this is another red flag. So number one, they do things on purpose when you think they do them accidentally. Number two, There’s a point at which you notice, hey, something really bad happened. But also I’m going to give him a second chance. So many women have this story where they found out he was having an affair. Or they found out he was stealing money from them. Or they found out he’d hidden a camera in their bedroom or something like that. Rachel: Yeah, he definitely was kind of promising me that it was nothing. She just was somebody that needed help. It was nothing. They hadn’t been talking, but she had said that he’d been sending her pictures and stuff this whole time. Texting her and communicating. In that conversation, he did threaten suicide when he drove away. So I would say that you could think that maybe that’s a red flag too. Feeling Stuck & Isolated Rachel: So over the course of a week, I took some time apart and then I decided to give him another chance. You know, and this was 11 years ago now. I went off to college, the next year is my freshman year of college. So we were long distance and then something happened to me while I was there. That I, you know, haven’t shared publicly, but it bonded him and I. It made it hard for me to leave for a long time. I ended up coming home from college and went to community college and he ended up coming home too. We were both in our hometown again. I was working a job at Starbucks, going to school. I had an internship, and was very busy. Then I found out about a virtual affair he was having with an old friend of mine. I started noticing some suspicious behavior online. Anne: An old friend of yours. Rachel: Yes. Anne: But not an old friend of his? Rachel: No. An old friend of mine. Yep. Anne: And I’m guessing he met her the same way he met you through social media. Weird Online Behavior Can Be A Sign Of Narcissistic Abuse Rachel: Yes, he told me that he met her because she worked at a restaurant in town. He went to pick up food and that was the first time that he met her. But he friended her on Facebook and Instagram and I started fishing around for information. Because I ran into her on campus one time, because she went to the same community college at the time and her behavior was super weird. I was noticing weird online behavior and so I went searching and found messages between the two of them. And that was devastating and embarrassing and a lot of shame for me. Especially because it was somebody from my life that I had known and we knew a lot of mutual people. I felt a lot of shame about that, but I felt really stuck and like I couldn’t leave. Anne: Were you living together? Rachel: We were not living together at that time. Anne: It’s his fault that you felt stuck. Not feeling like you were able to leave is a sign of narcissistic abuse. And we’re putting 100 percent of the fault on him. So this is not like a victim blaming question, but can you kind of explain that feeling of being stuck? The majority of our listeners share children with their abuser. And so in that way, it’s very difficult to extricate yourself. So those of us with kids, when we hear people who don’t have kids saying they feel stuck. We’re like thinking oh, what was it? But then I want all the listeners to think about when you stayed with him, when you didn’t have kids. Like when you got married, we also were stuck at some point. So to have empathy for that all around. Blaming Problems On Self Instead Of Narcissistic Abuse Rachel: Yeah, and I totally empathize with people that have kids. With their abuser, it’s really hard to break away. I’m fortunate that that wasn’t the case for me. There were a few reasons that I felt stuck. I think this event that bonded us really tied me to him. He was a big support system for me. I considered him my best friend. I think I really isolated myself during this time of my life and kind of removed myself from friendships. Because of this narcissistic abuse cycle that was going on with him. Because of this shame spiral that I was in from his infidelities. He was kind of my person at this time. Um, and also there was this sense of I just moved home with this person. We were kind of like starting this new chapter and journey together back home. I didn’t want it to all be for nothing. That I just left school and changed paths. I put a lot of the blame on myself because I had been depressed. Because of what had happened my freshman year of college. He put some blame on me too. At the time of what you weren’t giving me enough attention and whatever. This happens with narcissistic abuse. So this becomes a pattern for the next eight years of our relationship. This becomes a pattern of, I need to work on myself so that I can be better and he won’t do these things. This kind of is when I think this starts. Anne: It’s my fault, and if I were acting differently, he would not be acting like this way. This is a sign of narcissistic abuse, where you to think it’s your fault, when it’s not. First Engagement & Family Concerns Rachel: Yeah, so a couple years goes by. And we get engaged the first time on a family trip to Machu Picchu. Actually of all places, he comes and he proposes to me on New Year’s Day. At this point I am 22 and I’m a senior in college. I’d been living down in San Diego, going to San Diego State for the past couple of years. I was about to graduate. We were looking at apartments. We were planning our wedding and getting ready to start life. At this point there hadn’t been any signs of infidelity in a couple of years. Anne: Is this with your family, like your parents and your brothers and sisters? Okay, how do they feel about him at this time? Rachel: My dad had actually had a chat with me, a couple of years prior, that he was worried. And didn’t think that this person was right for me. He saw some signs that definitely gave him pause. And I think my family accepted him, but they didn’t love him for me. For sure. Anne: What’s your feeling about your family feeling this way. Did it kind of accidentally bond you closer to him? Which it does with so many abusers…
The Secret Sexual Basement: Your Husband’s Dangerous Double Life
Dec 17, 2024
Show notes
When a man chooses to have a secret sexual basement, he’s abusing his wife. Here’s why.
A secret sexual basement refers to a hidden life that a man conceals from his wife and children. This hidden life may involve activities such as pornography, prostitution, sexting, affairs, sexual assault, or workplace sexual harassment.
Having A “Secret Basement” Is Abuse
Here are all the abusive ways a man keeps his behaviors hidden from his wife:
Manipulation
Lies
Gaslighting
Emotional neglect
Did you know there are 19 different types of emotional abuse? Take this FREE emotional abuse quiz to determine if your husband’s secret basement qualifies as emotional abuse.
A Secret Basement Is Abusive
Even if a man is fully transparent about his activities – thus having no “secret” basement – if he feels entitled to sex, he is still abusive.
At BTR.ORG, we understand how difficult it can be to accept that your partner’s betrayal is abuse – especially if you have been conditioned to believe that your partner is addicted and needs your support to “heal”.
Anne: It’s just me today. I’m going to talk about the secret basement. A secret basement is when a man has an entire life that his wife and kids don’t know about. That life can include any or all of these things: pornography, masturbation, prostitution, sexting, affairs, sexual assault, sexual harassment at work . It could be why he’s on his phone all the time. He compartmentalizes his life so that when he’s with his wife and children, he’s an upstanding member of society.
Then he has this other part of his life. He participates in behaviors that would absolutely devastate and shock his family, colleagues and church community. The type of man who would have a secret basement is, at his core, a liar. He doesn’t live in truth, because there’s no truth in him. The character of a man with a secret basement has no respect or care for integrity. Meaning he doesn’t care if his actions are inconsistent with his statements.
He doesn’t have an integrity disorder. He just doesn’t have integrity. So this isn’t necessarily him breaking his marriage vows, although he absolutely has broken his marriage vows. It’s the opposite. Like he saw this public act of making marriage vows as a good way to deceive people about his true character. Let’s pretend for a minute that he was very genuine when he made his marriage vows, he did those honestly.
If he is honest, then when he wants to break his marriage vows. He would tell his wife, hey, I know I made these marriage vows. I now would like to break them and I’m going to break them in this way.
Traits Of Men With Secrets
Anne: I’ve never heard of a cheating man or a man who uses exploitative material doing that, not once. Why? Because a man with a secrets is a liar. That is his character. A man with a secrets is also exploitative. His character is based on the belief that he’s entitled to exploit people, especially his wife. When it comes to it, he puts his desire for it and his ability to do whatever he wants when it comes to it. Above the basic care or rights of other people. This creates emotional wounds in relationships.
So in a nutshell, a man with a secrets lies and exploits people. The addiction, industrial complex or treatment complex would like women married to men. Who have this type of character to believe it’s an addiction issue. But entitlement isn’t an impulse control problem, a brain problem, or a willpower problem. It’s just a character problem.
This is a man who thinks, I deserve to watch it. It’s my right. If you get in my way or cause me problems, complain or whine about me doing this thing that I’m entitled to do. You are taking away my rights. You’re oppressing me. I am entitled to it from you. And if you don’t give it to me or let me do it in some other way, it’s a miscarriage of justice.
And that’s how men with this type of character end up playing the victim over and over again. Because a man with this type of character will feel very oppressed when he’s not able to get what he thinks he deserves. He’s going to think you’re taking his rights away. Or oppressing him if you confront him about his use, or how he’s harmed you.
The Role Of Deception & The Impact On Wives
Anne: Men with secret basements use deception, as they use. That they don’t want their wife or anyone to know about. They’re not engaged in those behaviors because they’re an addict, although they are an addict.
They believe, at their core, entitled to that. And believe their desires are equal to air, and if they don’t “breathe,” they’re going to asphyxiate. They will feel oppressed and victimized when someone gets in their way. And his wife usually wonders where he is. Why isn’t he home for dinner? Because she doesn’t know he has this whole other life. So it’s hard for her to understand why he can’t make enough time to take out the garbage.
The character of a man with a secrets is unwilling. He’ll manipulate his wife to believe he’s unable to meet the lowest bar of decent human behavior. He wants his wife to think that his lower than lowest bar behavior is due to an addiction, disorder, childhood trauma or abusive dad. So he needs her help to educate him about how to meet the lowest bar.
He doesn’t mind being labeled an addict, and he doesn’t mind therapy because an abusive husband knows he can just lie and manipulate the therapist. But if he says his childhood trauma caused him to have a secrets, that is flat out not true. He had childhood trauma, sure. Then he had a bunch of choices to make, and he chose a deceitful character and create a secret basement.
Manipulation Is Always Involved
Anne: When he could sing Broadway musicals all day. He could eat ice cream or go for a run. It literally has nothing to do with his childhood trauma, or his abusive dad. He’s not willing to behave in a way that doesn’t harm other people. Because he doesn’t care about people. He’s not considerate of others. If he actually cared about injuring people, he would have stopped a long time ago.
But he doesn’t care about injuring other people. He just wants to do what he wants to do, and he doesn’t want anyone to bother him about it. He’s not willing to live according to principles. And due to that, you might see that he exhibits some sociopathic or antisocial patterns. These are ways of thinking and behaviors that disregard and violate the rights of others through deceit and manipulation.
One of the hallmarks of an emotional and psychological abuser. The type of man to have a secrets is that he understands sympathy and uses it to manipulate people. But he doesn’t feel sympathy toward other people. He wants his wife to feel sorry for him. So he can continue to exploit her.
The manipulation tactic of poor me. I’ve had such a hard life. All the excuses he could give sounds better than the truth. Which is: I’m going to watch it because I’m so selfish. I’m willing to harm other people to satisfy my desires.
Justifications Used For The Abusive Behavior
Anne: Just think about it this way. If I thought it was fun to stomp on my husband’s barefoot with my cowboy boots on. But he cried when I did it, I’d stop. I would stop after the first time, because I would see the look on his face. I would realize the pain it caused him. Even that example is insane. Because a decent human being would know that stomping on his barefoot in my cowboy boots would hurt. I don’t have to stomp on it or see the look on his face to realize this.
The type of man to have a secret basement. He’s never going to articulate or admit that he’s aware, educated, and conscious that he’s hurting people. And that he chooses to do it anyway. When a woman discovers her husband has secrets. It’s likely she’ll resist this type of abuse by trying to get him to get help. Thinking that that will stop him from abusing her. It takes a long time to recover from your husband’s emotional abuse. Anything that a woman does to resist this type of abuse is healthy.
Even so, we’ve found it’s not the most strategic way to safety. Because he’s been comfortable deceiving you and others this entire time. He’s known he’s been doing it the whole time. If the only time you ever hear about him wanting to change and getting treatment is after you’ve caught him using or having an affair. You can know that is manipulation. Because if he wanted to change, he would have sought help before you found it on his phone.
Religion, Deceit & More Abuse
Anne: In religious communities, when they’re caught, men with a secrets. Will profess to believe in Jesus, and repentance, and that you need to forgive. This is just more manipulation and abuse. Jesus said don’t lust after women. So, if he believed in Jesus, he would have followed his counsel before he got caught.
A man with a secrets can be accurately defined as abusive. And here’s why, to “get what he’s owed,” he’ll use abusive tactics like grooming, gaslighting, and deceit. All of which are abusive. Grooming and gaslighting to see aren’t wrong, because if you do them, you’ll go to hell. They’re wrong, because if you do them, you’re going to hurt someone else.
Let’s say a man doesn’t have a secrets. Let’s say he uses, but he’s completely honest and transparent about it. Is he abusive? The answer is yes, because he’s participating in trafficking, which is how it is produced. The definition of trafficking is the buying or selling of people for a profit. The free exploitative material is to get people hooked, so eventually they will pay for it.
If a man is willing to consume women as products, his wife will be abused. Because he believes, at his core, that women are objects. Pretty much every woman in our community who discovered her husband’s secrets. Says that her husband also exhibited the characteristics of a narcissist, sociopath, or addict.
How To Recognize Their True Character
Anne: The most important thing is realizing you’ve discovered his true character. If you’re listening and still confused about his true character. Is he really this type of abuser? I created The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to answer this very question. Enrolling in this workshop will help you determine his true character. And help you determine if he is this type of exploitative person with that level of deception. Or if it was just a mistake because he didn’t understand.
The Living Free Workshop will also help you know what safety strategies to use as you observe. To figure out what his character is. Since I started educating people about this type of abuse. I’ve come into contact with so many therapists who use many words. They use the word disorder. They like to diagnose. And all of it sounds like word salad to me.
The more I’ve listened to all these so-called reasons or explanations of why this man is abusive. I don’t understand why they don’t just say he’s abusive. They say like, he’s got this disorder, which is abusive, and I’m like, well, why don’t you just say he’s abusive? That’s what abuse is. It’s confusing to me. It’s also confusing to me when women go to clergy for help. And they’ll suggest this is some type of sickness and health situation.
But finding out your husband has a secrets. Is totally different than your husband being diagnosed with cancer. When someone is genuinely sick, they need your support and love. But if someone uses your support and love for his own exploitative purposes, he’s deceiving you on purpose to continue dangerous behaviors. That makes him dangerous to you.
Finding Safety & Miracles
Anne: And because abusers already know what they’ve been doing. And why they’ve been communicating the way they have to deceive you. Communicating how their behavior has harmed us does not improve the situation. Because they already know, they just don’t care.
There was a time in my marriage when I had a Willy Wonka attitude about it. If I wanted the golden ticket enough, I would get it. If I wanted him to change, I could pray and have faith, and not give up hope. And miracles could happen. I believe in miracles. But I discovered that focusing on my own emotional and psychological safety created so many miracles. I am the miracle, my life is the miracle. So determining your husband’s true character is the first step on your way to a miracle.
Again, to find out more about The Living Free Workshop and how it can help you determine your husband’s character.
26 Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma To Watch For
Dec 10, 2024
Show notes
Betrayal trauma occurs when you’ve experienced (or are still experiencing) your husband’s emotional and psychological abuse. If you recently found out your husband has been lying to you, using pornography, or other infidelity, here’s what you need to know.
Betrayal Trauma is caused by your husband’s chronic and systematic betrayal. This betrayal includes infidelity in the form of affairs, hook ups, secret pornography use, etc, and is covered up or justified by emotional, psychological, spiritual, sexual, and financial abuse.
To discover if you’re experiencing any of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take this FREE emotional abuse quiz.
Am I Overreacting Or Am I Traumatized?
If you’re second-guessing whether you have betrayal trauma, look at the list of symptoms below. Keep in mind that not every victim will experience every symptom. And please remember – it’s normal to be deeply affected by your husband’s betrayal. You’re not crazy or overreacting.
26 Symptoms Of Betrayal Trauma
Feeling helpless
Hopelessness
Sleeplessness
Restlessness / Over achieving
Anger / Rage
Fear
Forgetfulness
Difficulty concentrating or focusing
Hyper-vigilance
Sensitivity
Anxiety
Nightmares
Flashbacks / Intrusive images / Reliving Conversations or events
Immobility / Agoraphobia
Withdrawing
Avoidance
Mood swings
Panic attacks
Depression
Confusion
Dissociation
Inability to eat
Overeating
Chronic fatigue
Immune/endocrine system problems
Tight and sore muscles
I Have Betrayal Trauma – What Next?
First and foremost, please offer yourself radical compassion. As you come to accept that you’re experiencing Betrayal Trauma. At BTR, we encourage victims to focus on their own emotional safety and wellness as the first priority.
To do that you need to learn more about what’s been happening to you. Listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. For more information about what’s really going on and how to find peace.
Choose To Focus On Your Emotional Safety & Wellness
You didn’t cause your husband to betray you. But now that you know, you will need support. Please know that you are NOT alone. At BTR.ORG, we know the seemingly endless and daunting devastation of betrayal trauma.
The horror of realizing that your life is not what you thought it was. We understand the loneliness of waking up next to someone who has broken your heart. We know the anger and sadness that seems all-consuming.
Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions are a safe space for you to process these difficult feelings. And find a community of women who understand your pain. Attend today and begin your journey to healing.
Do I Have Betrayal Trauma? 26 Symptoms
Transcript: Do I Have Betrayal Trauma? 26 Symptoms
Anne: It’s just me today. We’ll talk about betrayal trauma. I’d hazard to say, at least millions of women across the globe experience betrayal trauma. The best way to explain betrayal trauma comes from the Greek word wound. Trauma is the resulting wound from whatever occurred in an event or situation. If it injures us, we end up with a wound. So we can use either the word wound or trauma.
Trauma means going through something really upsetting that leaves a mark or a wound. This could be a wound on your body, like if you get hurt in a car accident or get shot. People can see these kinds of wounds. But trauma can also be something that hurts your feelings or mind, like if someone is mean to you all the time. This kind of wound is not visible, but it can still hurt a lot. All types of trauma come from things that are really hard to deal with.
Psychological and emotional trauma isn’t visible to anyone, even the victim. Because no one can see it, and because generally men do not believe women. There’s this sense that the wound doesn’t exist. Instead, you’re broken, which isn’t true. This is where things get dicey. Because, if you have trauma and been wounded, there was a cause. A wound doesn’t just occur out of thin air.
Which is why men don’t listen to women. So the proof he injured her is their hurt or trauma. And if he’s the type to exploit and objectify women. He has no concept of her actually having an inner world.
Anne: If he’s using a hammer, he never thinks, is the hammer going to be injured? He doesn’t think the hammer has feelings? Or that it even could be injured. If it breaks, he might need to get a new hammer. So if it’s not working the way he thought it should, he might want to get a new hammer. A man with an exploitative character thinks about women in that way. She’s a tool, and if she’s not working. If she’s not useful. Then it’s time to get a new one.
This absolute denial that she’s capable of being injured because she’s a person. The denial that his actions will injure her highlights his exploitative character on a deep and profound level. Instead, he chooses to think that any distress she feels is her fault. Because she’s broken. So in his mind, if the hammer is not working, it’s a broken hammer. In fact, it’s the hammer’s fault, not his fault.
https://youtu.be/sV0BCL0RjuQ
So In other words, if I’m unable to exploit her. And if she’s not acting like she’s “supposed to.” If she asks too many questions. If she’s sad or broken. That’s her fault, because she’s broken. This type of deep psychological and emotional trauma women experience is devastating.
Aggressions cause it, psychological and emotional. Sometimes in the form of grooming, so they feel good almost daily. The injuries caused by that abuse over time grows, grows and grows. But because you can’t see it with your eyes, it’s hard to know how this is happening. Betrayal trauma occurs when the person you trust the most. Your partner has and continues to violate that trust in an ongoing way.
Research & Misconceptions About Betrayal Trauma
Anne: Jennifer Frayed did some research at the University of Oregon. She described betrayal trauma as trauma that occurs when a person or institution. On which a person depends for survival, significantly violates that person’s trust or wellbeing. So other things that would cause betrayal trauma or these types of emotional and psychological injuries. Are generally considered things like childhood, physical, emotional, and psychological abuse.
Where a caregiver or someone that a child should trust and depend on violates that trust. By repeatedly injuring that child, not just through one physical event. But through emotional and psychological abuse almost daily.
Here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery we offer the best support for betrayal trauma. Is when we, as a wife, have been psychologically and emotionally abused continually by our husband. When he lies and gaslights us about his exploitative content use, his affairs, or any behavior outside the marriage. In this case, because it’s a marriage, and he has made vows and promises. There’s a reasonable expectation of trust. and honesty.
Here’s the thing that most people get wrong about betrayal trauma. They think the trauma or injury comes from the discovery that he’s been using. But the trauma actually grows daily. Through all of the lies, gaslighting, psychological and emotional abuse.
Injuries Start The Day We Met, Abusive Husbands Are Not Trustworthy
Anne: The long con causes the trauma. It started the day we met him. When he used grooming, emotional and psychological abuse to create a false narrative. When it’s revealed he’s actually not who we thought he was. That he has this whole secret life. We also discover that he had never been trustworthy. And has been injuring us since the day he met us.
Even though we can’t see it, we can sense it. We feel hurt and try to explain it to others. Or talk to a therapist or a pastor about the pain. We think it’s just a small problem, but it turns out to be much bigger, affecting our body and mind more than we thought. When we ask for help, neither we nor those helping us realize that we’re still getting hurt.
We don’t see, and they don’t educate us. That those injuries came from and continue to come from emotional and psychological abuse. And we are still in danger. Then they also injure us. Because if the source of the injury hasn’t been accurately named, the cause still exists. Our injuries will continue to grow. Unfortunately, in religious settings, this can also cause spiritual injuries for women of faith. Because he keeps us in the dark about what’s happening.
We may question, does God love me? Does he even care? Because clergy doesn’t accurately see that a perpetrator actively harms her and causes injuries. They fall into that misogynistic trap of thinking. Because she hasn’t prayed enough or read her scriptures. Or because she doesn’t have enough faith. And she is just acting like this, because she’s broken. Rather than seeing the truth.
The Serious Problem Of Unrecognized Active Psychological & Emotional Abuse
Anne: There’s a serious problem, she’s injured and needs help. Clergy could act as the Savior would. And help deliver these women from these injuries. So they could actually heal. But instead, they usually don’t acknowledge the cause of the actual injury. Instead, they grow the trauma by calling her broken. Which is emotional and psychological abuse in this case. Because she’s not broken. It is a lie.
As you listen, do you identify with the word trauma? Would you describe your experience? When you found out your husband used online exploitative content. Or had an affair, solicited prostitutes or texted inappropriately with a coworker? Would you describe that experience as traumatic? And then also looking back and realizing all the gaslighting and lies?
If you relate to the word trauma, we have our daily Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. Where women share their experiences. I’d also be honored to hear your story. If you’d like to share your story on the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast, email podcast@btr.org.
Symptoms Of Betrayal Trauma
Anne: If you have betrayal trauma, here are 26 betrayal trauma symptoms that you may be experiencing:
Feeling helpless, hopeless, sleepless, restlessness or overachieving. Additionally feeling anger, rage, fear, forgetfulness, difficulty concentrating, difficulty focusing or reading. Feeling hypervigilance, sensitivity, anxiety, nightmares. flashbacks, or intrusive images. Also, you may relive conversations or events, feel immobility, agoraphobia, withdrawing, and avoidance. Avoidance of things you want to do, mood swings, panic attacks, depression, confusion, or disassociation.
Maybe the inability to eat. Or overeating, chronic fatigue, immune endocrine system problems. Lastly, tight and sore muscles. Although I could actually go on and on. Betrayal trauma victims will experience symptoms like this. From the very first day they meet this abusive man. They might end up going to therapy for years. Misdiagnosed with depression. Not realizing they’re depressed, because they’re injured.
Healing From Betrayal Trauma
Anne: So the key to healing from betrayal trauma is: First, recognizing exactly what is causing the trauma. Then putting some distance between yourself and the harm. In fact, I describe exactly how to do that in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. The Living Free Workshop helps women determine if their husband has an exploitative character. Music can also help in processing the trauma, here are some songs about healing from trauma.
After the workshop, you can clearly see what his true character is. Then if he has an exploitative character, it will teach you emotional and psychological safety strategies.
How Do I Know If My Husband Is Abusive? What No One Tells You
Dec 03, 2024
Show notes
If you’re wondering, “How do I know if my husband is abusive?” You’re not alone. Hearing the stories of other women can help you know what to do next. Coach Jo is a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coach who had to ask herself that question in two different marriages. If you relate with her experience learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions here. Your Husband Is Abusive If His Exploitative Materials Use = Coercion Women have the right to information about their partner’s behaviors before choosing to be intimately involved and committed to him. A man is not giving his partner the ability to make informed consent if he withholds information about exploitative materials use. This is called coercion and it is abusive. An appropriate conversation would include her partner disclosing the full truth his use and other behaviors prior to intimate contact. Often, women find that they are in a relationship for several months or years with a user before discovering his secret behaviors. He’s Abusive If He’s Using Psychological Control Tactics Gaslighting, lying, and manipulation are all psychologically abusive tactics. Psychological abuse differs from emotional abuse in that it is intended to make the victim question her own reality. Often, psychological abusers will take the stance that they “didn’t do it intentionally” or that it “wasn’t calculated.” Perhaps they didn’t intend for their partner to become so depressed from their abuse that she fantasizes about suicide every day…. or perhaps they didn’t intend for their partner to become so unsure of her reality that she truly wonders if she is insane… but they were intentionally choosing to protect their acting-out behaviors by not being honest and forthright. Every abuser is completely accountable for their every word and action. The consequences on victims can be overwhelmingly tragic and abusers must face the reality that even if it wasn’t “calculated”, it was still intentional. Exploitative Material Use is Emotionally Abusive Betrayed women suffer from Betrayal Trauma. Betrayal Trauma is a symptom of abuse, not addiction. Betrayal in and of itself is emotionally abusive. It creates feelings of immense anguish, rejection, terror, and grief. At BTR, we understand that it’s not “just pornography”. We understand that your world is crashing down around you. We’re here for you. Transcript: How Do I Know If My Husband Is Abusive? Anne: I’m so excited to have coach Jo on today’s episode. She’s one of our amazing BTR coaches. All of the coaches here at BTR have been through this and are now able to live free through strategy and boundaries. I’m so passionate about only having women who have been through this on our team. Jo facilitates Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions and also Betrayal Trauma Recovery Individual Sessions here at BTR. She’s incredible. And I’m so grateful to have her. How To Tell If My Husband Is Abusive Anne: Coach Jo was married to two different abusers. Let’s start with the first one. Did you recognize that he was an abuser at first? Coach Jo: I didn’t have a clear understanding of what abuse was before we were married. Then pretty quickly it became apparent that there was something wrong, and that it wasn’t safe. I didn’t have the words for that initially, but it became clear very very quickly. It started on the honeymoon. The second night of the honeymoon he left me in the hotel room for a couple of hours. I had no idea where he had gone. This is pre cell phone. I was distraught and wondering what the heck had happened and what I had gotten myself into. Is My Husband Emotionally Abusive? Anne: At the beginning it’s hard to know the difference between emotional abuse vs. normal conflict. What happened after this? Coach Jo: There were explosions at the house, a lot of angry outbursts, a lot of name calling, a lot of breaking things. I had no idea what to do. Then we went on a trip together and got lost in the middle of the night. We were circling around looking for our exit or the connecting road, this was before GPS. He was cussing and screaming and driving like a maniac. Every time we went over an overpass, he would threaten to drive off the overpass. This went on for probably a good hour and a half. And by the time we reached our destination, I locked myself in the bathroom and couldn’t move. There was 20 years of that kind of behavior. We have five children together. Anne: How did you describe his behavior when you didn’t know it was abuse? Coach Jo: I told one relative and she said communicate better, try not to trigger him, walk on eggshells around him. It never even occurred to me to ask myself, is my husband abusive? I did bring it to clergy. Of course my husband was in the room too, and the response that I got was, “Has he hit you?” And the answer was no. Then he said, “So what’s the problem?” Seeking Help & Not Understanding That My Husband Is Abusive Anne: At BTR, we are interfaith, but also inter-paradigm. In fact we have women who work here from various different faiths, also who are agnostic. Wherever a client is, is where we meet them. Would you mind sharing what your specific faith is? Coach Jo: I am Catholic, this was the only priest that I have encountered personally that had that kind of an attitude . Anne: This particular priest says, what’s the problem? did you try to get help from anyone else during this time? Coach Jo: About year six we went to couples therapy and did individual therapy. https://youtu.be/aljnmnAvdqc Anne: So many women think that couple therapy was going to be the solution. So finally, if he agrees to it, they’re really excited about it and then surprised and so devastated to realize that it makes it worse. Coach Jo: I kept thinking he doesn’t understand surely he doesn’t understand. Surely, he just doesn’t know a better way. I focused my energy on trying to fix him so couples therapy was my idea. Anne: Did you know about use with him or affairs or prostitutes or anything? Is My Husband Abusive? Coercion & Betrayal Coach Jo: Later on, I really understood what BTR talks about, coercion. The idea that you are not a whole being and a whole person. That you are there for somebody else’s gratification. You have a person receiving gratification from the humiliation and degradation of another person. Even if you don’t have proof positive that they’re watching it, It will be very apparent in the way that they treat you, the way they look at and speak to other women as well. Really what it came down to was he did not have respect for me. He had no respect for women. He did coercion, if I would not comply with his wishes, he threatened to kill himself. I found out he had slept with women in our church congregation, in the neighborhood and at the school. It was precarious and degrading not to know. I still didn’t know if my husband was abusive. I didn’t have words or definitions for it. Coach Jo: I did file for divorce ultimately. Then it was a long, hard road. Anne: Like you were saying before we recorded, your parents. Family Choosing His Side When My Husband Is Abusive Coach Jo: They ended up siding with my first husband. Anne: Throughout the separation and divorce, you were estranged from your mom and dad. I’m so sorry. That’s so hard. Coach Jo: If I had to rate traumas, that’s probably not a good idea, I would say that the trauma from that probably hit 10 times worse. Anne: I’m so sorry. That’s so hard. Second Marriage: Figuring Out If My Husband Is Abusive Anne: You mentioned to me before we started recording that the second marriage was completely different. Really quick, before you share, at the very beginning of my marriage, I made friends with someone who had been punched. Her husband didn’t help around the house. I think he was gone a lot of the time. I said to her, something is wrong. She said to me, “Oh, your husband is amazing. He’s so great, he comes to church, he’s always helping people out. Like, no, he’s not abusive. You don’t have to worry.” Comparing her abuser, who was overtly abusive, in contrast to what I experienced. The gaslighting, lying, manipulation, and use was so different. She couldn’t recognize it, I also couldn’t, but I knew something was very wrong. I didn’t know even to ask if my husband is abusive. Is My Husband Abusive? Early Red Flags Anne: I’m not sure if that’s what’s coming when it comes to your story, but let’s start with your second marriage. So three and a half years later, you meet your second husband. Can you talk about when you first met him. Coach Jo: , I don’t think I had my sea legs under me from the first marriage. I felt like I failed at the first marriage. There was an eagerness to get it right, to do it again, to do it better. I asked all the right questions. I looked for all the flags, but what I didn’t understand is you don’t ask the person your questions. You ask the question and you observe the answer. Anne: I did the same thing, I asked all the right questions. And yes, I didn’t give it enough time to observe. I didn’t take an emotional abuse test, I mean all I knew was that my husband is ignoring me. What I was observing was very disturbing, but I would talk to him about it and he would give me the right answers. Is that what happened to you too? Coach Jo: Yes. It was like a test. He knew the right answers. The answers I wanted to hear. He hid who he was and what the agenda was. I didn’t find that out until after the honeymoon Is My Husband Abusive? Does He Use expoitative material? Anne: So you’re experiencing coercion. Again, just like you did in the first marriage in this second marriage. He’s also using secretly and lying to you. But in the second one, you do find out that he’s using. Coach Jo: Yeah, he had joined a men’s program for addicts/abusers. Anne: Addicts. Did he do this on his own, or were you kind of like, hey, you should try this? Coach Jo: I did all the research. I thought, I have to make this work. I found everything. We had a couple’s therapist. Not helpful. Zero out of five stars, it was during COVID. I kept thinking that maybe something would change if I just hung on tight. I say that my first husband was abuse by fire. The second was abuse by ice. So he would withdraw and ignore your presence. He would tell you what you were feeling, but all of it, very calm, very metered, nothing to see here. He wanted me to function in certain roles as a companion for activities to show up and be the couple. I was useful for that. But then when I wanted to take up space and be something other than the role, it wasn’t okay. I was too much. It was obvious that it was a pain if I were me instead of the role. It took me a long time to identify that I was experiencing abuse from my husband. Betrayal Trauma Recovery & Finding Support Anne: Because this wasn’t a relationship, to him it was a show or something? Coach Jo: It was functional. There was an image. If I was upholding the image, then that was fine. If I was asking for something more, if I was asking for something relational, there was no room for that. Early one morning we were talking. It wasn’t a conflict, he was talking about how I looked or how I presented. He said he wanted to pour acid on my face and then sloughed it off as a joke, and I was horrified. It was through a conversation with my friend who said, listen, this is a big deal and you can’t ignore this. You really need to speak with these women over at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. They can help you, BTR was a game changer for me because it gave me language. Somebody in Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions said “wife appliance”. That’s it, that’s what I am. I’m a “wife appliance.” That term really resonated with me. Joining BTR and getting coaching was what what I needed BTR said the user is responsible for their own actions. Not just the viewing of it, but the way they treat their spouse and the other individuals in their life as a result of the use. And it is not my responsibility to make it comfortable for the abuser so that they can stop their behaviors. The responsibility lies solely with the abusive husband and not the victim. Traditional Therapy Enabled My Husband’s Emotional Abuse Anne: There are so many factors in how long it will take to recover from your husband’s emotional abuse. One of those factors is where you go for help. How was that different than the other program? that you were in or the therapy you were going to? Coach Jo: Addiction therapy does not give you the same language. It doesn’t give you the same solution. In addiction therapy you’re told to communicate better, to provide a safe environment. You check in and you talk about your feelings and you talk about what’s bothering you and you talk about what you need. In couples therapy you’re supposed to communicate better. When you’re communicating with an abuser, anything you say is used against you. Any information that you give is used to maintain that power and control. So it’s very, very high risk for the spouse Anne: The emotional abuser exploits your emotions and the things that you tell them for their own purposes. It’s never resolving something between you. He’s just excited that you’re giving him information that he can use to exploit you. So it’s extremely dangerous to be vulnerable with an emotional abuser. I can’t figure out why therapists haven’t figured this out yet. It’s probably because they don’t have any other tools. They just think communication is always good. Also, they don’t think of him as exploiting the emotion. They think, well, obviously when she tells him how hurt she is, that will make a difference. They don’t realize that’s not what has happened in the past, and it’s certainly not what’s going to happen in the future. My Husband Is Abusive Because He Uses These Deceptive Tactics Anne: Therapists haven’t figured this out yet because abusers lie. They say they care about the relationship, about the family and about us when they don’t. They’re not going to walk right into a therapist and say, I actually don’t like my wife. As well as, I want to have it with other people. Coach Jo: I’m sorry, I’m laughing because I can’t picture that ever happening. At least the playing field would be level, right? That you can make an informed decision. As painful as it would be, it would give you enough information to make a decision in your best interest. Anne: Because it’s exploitative, they have a reason to lie. If they weren’t getting something from you, maybe meals, maybe childcare, and physical stuff. If they weren’t getting something, then they probably wouldn’t mind saying, “Hey, you know what? I’m done. I’m going to go have it with other people.” But they need to keep their exploitative privilege intact. And that is why they’re not willing to be honest. Because they’re going to lose something if they’re honest. Coach Jo: I think that’s a difficult thing to come to terms with, the reality of, Hey, hold on a second. None of this was in my best interest. It was difficult to see it as intentional. That’s the main difference that I found, at least on a practical boots on the ground level at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Helped Me Know If My Husband Is Abusive Coach Jo: You weren’t required to become vulnerable to your spouse in order to solve the problem. That is the beauty of BTR. It provides a space where you’re able to speak the truth of what’s happening. Without any background noise, without anybody trying to circumvent. What you see, you can duck out of the subterfuge take a minute to breathe and assess what’s happening. Its a space where I can figure out if I’m experiencing abuse from my husband. Coach Jo: It’s so helpful. If I could wave a magic wand. I would give women in these situations turning the volume down on the abuser’s voice. You could sit back and watch the actions, the attitudes, what’s actually happening and not what’s being said. You can actually assess if your husband is abusive.…
Post-Traumatic Growth Treatment For Divorce After Emotional Abuse
Nov 26, 2024
Show notes
Women seeking treatment for divorce following the devastation of betrayal and a life they didn’t expect often ask, “Will I ever be okay again?” It’s hard to imagine at first that they can make something meaningful for themselves and their children out of something so painful. However, post-traumatic growth is real and here are a few key things to remember when you feel overwhelmed by what is happening now. KEY STEPS: POST-TRAUMATIC GROWTH TREATMENT FOR DIVORCE 1. KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT’S REALLY HAPPENING NOW A lot of people think that divorce should be the solution. Like if you’ve been emotionally abused and you’re getting divorced, then you’re not gonna be emotionally abused anymore in theory. But that’s not what happens in real life. Many women continue to be emotionally and psychologically abused by their soon-to-be ex-husband throughout the divorce process. So understanding that it’s continuing to happen right now can help you feel like you’re not crazy when other people are like, “I thought you were getting divorced, like, why can’t you move on?” It’s not that you’re not moving on, you 100% are, it’s that you’re continuing to be abused currently. Even if you’re not filing for divorce, a good place to start to determine what is going on in your relationship is by taking an emotional abuse test. 2. SAFETY IS AN ESSENTIAL TREATMENT FOR DIVORCE AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE The foundation for post-traumatic growth is emotional and psychological safety. If you’re being gas-lit and manipulated all the time, your brain isn’t safe from his continued lying. I don’t know about you, but I think every woman deserves to feel safe in her own home and body. And that includes being with people who are emotionally and psychologically safe. People who don’t lie to her constantly. The problem with going through the divorce process is you’re trying to heal from all the emotional abuse you’ve experienced in the past while it’s currently still happening, and you have to contact him, especially if you have kids together. However, during this process, if you learn how to protect yourself from the continued lying and manipulation, that creates a powerful sense of safety, which helps you heal and propels you to continue to move forward toward the healthy life you’ve always wanted. You can learn how to protect yourself using emotional safety strategies in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop. 3. POST-TRAUMATIC GROWTH STARTS WITH CARING FOR YOURSELF If you’ve been emotionally abused and divorce is the result, it’s going to be painful no matter what. You probably won’t feel like you’re handling it well, and maybe other people will imply you’re not handling it well, but I promise you, you’re handling it really well. It’s an extremely difficult situation, and you are doing the best you can, and it’s amazing. So good job. Post-traumatic growth isn’t escaping the pain or dealing with it perfectly. It’s more like holding on for dear life, looking at the light at the end of the tunnel, knowing that you will get to safety eventually, especially if you have the support of women who’ve been through it before. Divorce is one of the most difficult topics that we discuss in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions, but it’s essential that women going through this process have a safe space to process their emotions and thoughts. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY and discover a community committed to helping you heal from a divorce you didn’t want. KEY Points FROM THIS EPSIODE: Knowing the truth about what’s really happening Healing through shifting your focus from “we” to “me” What overcoming really looks like: holding on to values Safety is an essential treatment for divorce and emotional abuse Learning to reconnect with and trust yourself again TRANSCRIPT: HEALING TREATMENT FOR DIVORCE YOU DIDN’T WANT Anne: Welcome Ava. Ava: Thank you. I appreciate you having me here. Most people I think heading into divorce would call it the worst time of their life. Just the amount of undoing and falling apart feels entirely overwhelming. And then, sometimes a year later or years later, we will look back and see that what we went through shaped us in some meaningful way, that likely couldn’t have happened without all that catastrophe. Anne: For me, it’s been a number of years, and now I feel that way. I’ve learned so much the hard way. I’m always learning things the hard way. Ava: I don’t think there’s any other way. Anne: We all thought, no, no, no, I can handle it or do it this way. And I’ll be fine. And we didn’t understand the situation. Or we didn’t understand the consequences. Then we were stuck with them, and now we all know better, but we all know better too late. UNCOVERING TRUTHS ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE Ava: Yeah, you don’t understand who your spouse is. And as you move through divorce, you uncover truths that you either previously weren’t aware of or that come to light in new ways. And especially when abuse is involved, it can be particularly devastating. Anne: Well, and I think everyone listening to this podcast understands they’re in a relationship with an abusive man. That’s who this podcast is for. But the divorce process helps women understand the level of abuse they’re experiencing. Which is often way more extreme than they ever realized, and that’s why it’s so devastating, and they may need specialized treatment for divorce. Because they’re not aware of how abusive the person is, they’re not prepared. They don’t practice strategic ways of dealing with an abuser beforehand. Because they don’t know they need to do it until they’ve tried all the other things, and they’re like, this is really, really bad. I always want to find some way to help victims avoid learning that. But I don’t think there is any other way to learn it other than trial and error. You think, no, I can deal with this person rationally. THE LEGAL PROCESS & CHALLENGES IN TREATMENT FOR DIVORCE Anne: And then you realize later, I couldn’t. But nobody jumps from zero to this person is a scary person. Unless they’ve had a lot of experience with that person. Ava: Right, and so much of that is encountering the reality of it. What you’re talking about, trying to avoid the path through. It’s exactly that. You can’t change the way you address reality until you’re looking at it. And to look at it is so painful. Anne: Especially when you share kids. Ava: Especially. Anne: The kid part is so hard, because you are continually being abused through the divorce process. And then after you’re divorced. So then it’s learning how to protect yourself from the abuse post divorce. Which is so, so hard. Ava: And that can be particularly sticky. When you have an abuser who is constantly trying to insert themselves in what it looks like for you to have a life. HEALING TREATMENT FOR DIVORCE: SHIFTING FOCUS FROM “WE” TO “ME” Anne: Mm hmm. It’s not just related to treatment for divorce, but also to abuse recovery in general. Moving forward with the life you want to create, regardless of what he’s doing or choosing to do. Ava: Right. The years we’re investing in marriage are a “we.” We’re always thinking about the “we,” even if that we is filled with abuse. We’re still thinking, how can I make this “we” better? To separate in a way that starts to only consider “me.” And that can feel like a big jump at first. It sounds selfish. It sounds a little myopic in the way you’re thinking about it. But when we think what is best for me, we start to get a lot more creative about the activities that we’re going to undertake to get through this painful experience of divorce. Anne: Yeah, and let’s pretend you weren’t going to get divorced. You would still move from a “we” to a “me” place. The whole point of abuse recovery and healing is to find the kind of life you want, and start making your way toward that life. Ava: Yeah, when you get an abusive situation, where your will and your ego cannot overcome it, you don’t get to live the way everybody else does. And so, I’m going to have to adult in ways that sometimes seem unfair, because not everybody else has to do it. But for me, it’s still the most necessary part of what it means to be a free, full individual. LIVING FREE & FINDING INDEPENDENCE Anne: And that’s a big deal. You’ve lived for 45, 50, or 30 years in a different way. And this will be a totally different way of perceiving the world, of interacting with the world. Ava: Yeah, and it’s a breaking and remaking. I think some people resist this post-traumatic growth treatment for divorce because they don’t think it should be happening, and it shouldn’t have to happen. The truth is, anyone who’s gone on any meaningful spiritual adventure has this breaking and remaking moment. You’ll get several chances in life where you learn how to become the kind of person who actually can handle far more than you realized. Anne: it really is a miracle, at least with my own personal story. When I look back and think about the times where I knew I could not handle it. I knew I couldn’t, in my gut, in my soul, it was like, this is too much. This is too hard. I shouldn’t have to do this. Why am I forced to do it? And now looking back and thinking, I did handle it. Like, even in those moments where I knew I couldn’t, now I’m like, I was. And the same thing with all our listeners, you are doing it. It might not feel like it. You might feel terrible. You’re taking one small step at a time. And when you look back, you’ll realize I survived. I did handle that. YOU’RE PROBABLY HANDLING IT BETTER THAN YOU THINK Anne: Even if it feels like you’re not currently doing that. Ava: Yeah, we have an imagination that handling looks like I got my nails and my hair done. I’m in a great outfit, and I have a good attitude about it. That’s not what handling it looks like. None of us have made it through the darkest moments of our lives, looking like we were handling it. What handling it looks like is allowing the complete destruction of what was. And we resist that, because we don’t want it to be that way. Therefore, it shouldn’t have to be that way. But handling it has a lot more to do with surrendering to the fact that it’s going to happen anyway. And aligning myself with the fact that I will actually make it through. And who do I want to be as I do it? Anne: I like it when you said, this shouldn’t be happening, I don’t want it to happen. It feels like you’re disembodied or watching yourself from far away and thinking, wait, wait, wait, this cannot be happening. And then realizing it is happening. I’m guessing that’s probably why many women don’t prepare or get a lot of information they need beforehand. And then they’re struggling throughout their divorce. And need treatment for divorce. WHAT OVERCOMING REALLY LOOKS LIKE Ava: And you know, that resistance of “it shouldn’t be this way.” Resistance always exposes us to what we value. Up until now, I valued family, safety, contentedness, and it seems like those things are now going away. How can I still value a sense of contentedness and family, and make that happen for me and my children? When it’s not going to happen in the context of what I believe is typical for everybody else. Anne: You saying that reminds me of something that I thought was important, and that was putting Christmas lights up. So even just a little simple thing. But to me, having Christmas lights outside my house for my kids means I care about my family. I care about Christmas. I’m going to continue to uphold traditions I had before, but how do I get these things on my house? This was overwhelming. So I paid a kid in the neighborhood 20 bucks, and he put my Christmas lights up. But when they were up, I felt like I’m living this value that I thought I had to depend on someone else for. Overcoming that and then overcoming the next thing, maybe it’s mowing the lawn, maybe it’s a family reunion. I don’t know what that next thing is, but just one thing at a time. And then now, a number of years later, Christmas lights are not that important to me. But at the time, that was a symbol of something. Putting them up was a treatment for divorce. POST-TRAUMATIC GROWTH TREATMENT FOR DIVORCE: HOLD ON TO YOUR VALUES Anne: That’s one thing I want women to think of too. You might be putting a lot of value on something like Christmas lights, thinking I have to do this thing. This thing matters, but it’s too hard or too expensive. And taking a step back and maybe realizing, is there something else I can do to feel like I’m supporting my family and have these family values? Realizing what your base motivation is is always a good step for taking the next step forward. Because there will be things that we cannot do. We’re not super people. And so through divorce, there’s going to be maybe things we’re not able to do that we want to do that we think are like the epitome of what our values are. But we can be creative and roll with the punches. You can continue to keep values even if it doesn’t look the way we thought it should look originally and as we seek treatment for divorce. Ava: Right, the knee jerk response is to look at the activity. Well, we can’t do the things we used to do because of this explosion in our life, and what your encouragement is. How do we step back and go? There’s a value behind this activity. How do I tweak the activity to match what my life looks like now? REALISTIC HEALING TREATMENT FOR DIVORCE Ava: So that I can preserve that value. Even though I may have lost the exact tradition or way of doing it. I will still communicate the value to my people. The essence of the holidays meant time as a family. What does that mean when I have 50% time, and how do I keep these values alive and be open to a different expression of them? Anne: And many of the things that I thought were super important, when it got down to it, they were actually quite hollow. Spending time with my kids in a different way was way more important, and that is what I’ve learned. Finally, after I gave up worrying about the Christmas lights. So if you’re grappling with how to heal from a divorce or get treatment for divorce you didn’t want, let’s talk about realistic healing. Like what does that look like on a practical level? Ava: So my former partner has already given me years, sometimes decades, of evidence of their poor predictable behavior. And yet we go into communications with an expectation higher than reality. There seems to be an impulse to still go, maybe this time when we communicate, it’ll be a little better. If I use these words, it’ll happen a little better. The reality is he’s a jerk. He’s going to talk like a jerk, and he’s not going to be cooperative. When we talk about realistic healing, it’s really being able to return again and again to reality. HEALING TREATMENT FOR DIVORCE: MANAGING EXPECTATIONS & COMMUNICATION Anne: Yeah, that is for sure. That’s why I created The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop. It’s anticipating that he will act this way, and knowing how to message him in a way that protects us. Ava: Yeah, I love that. I didn’t want to be the person who makes it harder by expecting something out of my former partner, that they’ve clearly given no evidence they’re interested in becoming. Now, how do I text to that person? Anne: Yeah, I think you just hit on something. They actually did promise it in so many of these situations. Because there are these periods of oh, I will always take care of you and the kids. The grooming part feels reasonable. Knowing that all those behaviors are grooming is a hard mental shift for so many victims to realize. The words that this person says don’t mean anything when you’re getting treatment for divorce. When you’re trying to heal from a divorce you didn’t want. Actions are the only thing I can trust or believe, and when we make that shift, we can live in reality. Because they have created this world through words on purpose to keep her in the fog of abuse. He has…
The Best Support Groups for Survivors of Emotional Abuse
Nov 19, 2024
Show notes
One of the most important things support groups for survivors of emotional abuse do, is offer women a safe place to process what has happened to them in a community of women who understand and can validate their experiences.
If you’re wondering if you’re experiencing emotional abuse, take my free emotional abuse test here.
HOW SUPPORT GROUPS for Emotional Abuse SurvivorS HELP VICTIMS
We hear from so many women who discover BTR but are reluctant to sign up for Group Sessions or take the Clarity After Betrayal Workshop at first. They’ve been taught that the right place to get help is from a therapist or clergy member, so they’re understandably hesitant to trust support that looks different from what they expected.
Then, months or sometimes years later, they come back to BTR and tell us, “This is what I needed first.” With that in mind, here are the three most important things I hear from women who were helped by our Group Sessions.
1. Survivors NEED SUPPORT WHERE THERE ARE NO CONFLICTS OF INTEREST
You need a support group that’s entirely on your side, and there’s no conflicts of interest.
Women who are emotionally abused are married to men who are really good at lying in manipulation, really good at this good guy image. So if they’re going to couple therapy or getting help from people who know their husband, then he’s able to manipulate them too.
In our community, we don’t have that conflict of interest. Our group sessions provide crucial connection and community with zero victim blaming.
2. BTR Helps Survivors Recognize and Understand Abuse Patterns
In our group sessions, women say they were able to recognize emotional abuse quicker than any other resource.
And in fact, there have even been women who’ve said, “It helped me recognize my husband was NOT abusive quicker than any other resource.” Every day women tell me that they tried therapy for years and all the advice on the internet, and it never gave them the clarity that they found in our group sessions.
3. HEARING Survivor Stories Offers Validation AND HOPE
Many of the women who come to BTR say they felt hopeless in this constant cycle of confusion, and then with therapy or other groups, they were given the impression that part of it was their fault.
As they take that advice from these other types of groups, things seemed to get better for a little while, but then they realized that it wasn’t, and sometimes it was even a lot worse.
So hearing stories of women who have been through this exact same cycle, women are like, “Oh, it wasn’t me. I was getting the wrong information.” And then when they hear the tools that we have to offer that are completely different than anything they’ve ever heard before, they start making progress for the first time.
TranscripT: STORIES FROM SUPPORT GROUPS for SURVIVORS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Anne: Today’s episode is a montage of stories from emotional abuse survivors.
I’m super humbled as I’ve listen to these stories.
I honor all the women searching for answers. Who are genuinely trying to save their families. Not knowing what to do and getting harmful information from therapists, internet articles or clergy. Including resources that haven’t helped them understand the abuse.
I want to thank everyone for listening. Above all I hope that BTR is helpful. The thought of any woman being in an abusive situation and not understanding what it is, is heartbreaking to me. Also, a thank you to all of you who have shared our material on social media or shared it with friends. In an effort to educate more women. So with that, here are their stories.
Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #1
I have been in therapy for 12 years. Only now have I felt that I have the expert care and clarity that I have been searching for. You and this whole group are what I call, proactive. Where before it was just wishy washy, hit or miss, psycho-babble type of therapy. This group is exactly what women need, to recover from betrayal trauma, and I cannot thank you enough.
Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #2
This group is new to me. I have been in not a good place for about three years. This is the first time that I have had other people share their stories. Where I felt so validated. I could totally relate. This isn’t just me. I’m not going crazy. I can stand my ground and create boundaries to keep myself safe. To keep my kids safe. I have multiple daily options to check in, check out, share, not share, listen. The isolation that I felt before is starting to dissipate.
Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #3
I arrived at BTR in full blown trauma. Never having known what he was doing for years, and prior to we were married. Thank God that this is the place that I found. Because there was love and nurturing and education. All of the coaches are friends to walk with me and support me and I will forever be grateful.
Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #4
I had been in therapy for a while, years, and at least a year with Chuck before I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery. There were no breakthroughs or anything. It was just the same cycle. Now that I know what it is, it was the same cycle of abuse. Happening over and over and over again with no real solution.
When I found BTR, I I honestly was trying to find reasons in my head as to why the group wouldn’t be good for me. Because I knew it was gonna change everything about my life. It did because I joined the group right before I initially separated from Chuck. So having BTR during that time of separation got me through. And then helped me make the decision to separate permanently and just not want to be with him anymore.
I wouldn’t be here and be growing the way that I am without BTR.
Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #5
Betrayal Trauma Support Group has been very important for me through this journey. I can just very succinctly say that it has saved my life. Chiefly I would say just simply that. Without BTR I wouldn’t be here.
Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #6
For years we’d have fights. I would go to the internet to find out how I could be better. So that we could stop having fights, I would always search.
And article after article was never right. I just knew. And finally one day I stumbled upon the BTR podcast and I don’t really like listening to them. I like to read them so I’m thankful for the transcript. I finally knew that what I was reading was right. When I had a name for what was going on in my marriage. I could finally start to work to fix it and fixing it has meant not what I thought it would. It has saved my life too.
So without BTR, I wouldn’t have a name for what I experienced and I wouldn’t have the healing.
Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #7
I didn’t ever think that I would be In the position that I’m in, I was with my ex fiance from the age of 13 for 20 years. He was living a double life. I found BTR when I was staying in hotels.
I had nowhere else to go and I booked a one on one with a coach. And I haven’t looked back. I have learned so much every single day that I hop on group. I see women that I am inspired by and women who are ahead of me in the journey. Women who are following me on the journey. We’re all on different journeys, but somehow the connection that we have and the love that we share is really real.
So thank you so much. I don’t know what I would have done without BTR for the last 12 months.
Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #8
I found BTR to be really helpful. In fact Betrayal Trauma Group Sessions are really helpful at connecting with other people going through this. Not feeling alone. Recognizing that there are lots of actually super capable, strong, determined, people experiencing abuse at different stages along the way.
I found the Group Sessions to be really helpful. Also he podcast is really nice just to listen to and understand broader patterns and trends. I wish people didn’t have to find this on their own, I’m really glad BTR exists.
Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #9
Discovery was in 2011, of addiction. There’s just no support out there for women, other than the groups that are available in that realm.
And my therapist of many years never mentioned the word abuse. I felt like I was duped, I started attending BTR Group Sessions. I learned so much from the coaches, I was terrified with a learning disability. And think I could never do this. I could never, ever, ever be free from a covert narcissist.
As I’m going through all this, the post separation abuse was just heinous. And since then, with the help of BTR through this process and as I am safe. In my new place, I’m now starting to process it even more. Because I had been so busy going through all the process of divorce and everything else.
And due to all the coaches and the love and support. They have allowed me to have such great strength. I’m realizing I am worth it. I am enough. BTR is a lifesaver and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You helped save my life and I am now free and I am now safe.
Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #10
I feel like attending BTR.ORG Group Sessions helped me create some routine in my life. Additionally something I can do every single day.
It has just created some routine and structure and support in a life that I currently have. Which is very chaotic and unpredictable and challenging. And I genuinely feel like I like meeting with all the coaches because they have different perspectives. Each coach, has a different vibe.
That’s really helpful. That’s been great. I’ve only been doing this a couple months, but I’m really happy. I don’t think I’m going to stop anytime soon. It’s a really beautiful community of women who’ve been doing it for a long time. It’s really cool to see those connections and to be building them.
Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #11
I’ve been through this for over 30 years of dealing with this in my life. Always asking, “How do I know if it’s abuse?”I’ve been in BTR for five months. My life has changed more in the last five months than all of those years that I went through. I so appreciate all of the coaches just the clarity has helped me through a lot of individual sessions, group sessions.
I really appreciate that everyone has something different. Similarly all the shares help you understand other ways to do self care and stay safe. I really appreciate BTR. I can’t say enough about it. It’s changed my life.
Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #12
Betrayal Trauma Recovery was literally an answer to prayer for me. After disclosure, I really didn’t know what to think about my situation.
After almost 30 years being with my husband, I felt like I was brainwashed. Also I didn’t know what to do. I prayed and I did a Google search and I found the podcast and it literally changed my life.
After a year, I feel so much more empowered and connected and validated. I have so much clarity on the trauma that I had been going through. Everything just started to make sense.
I’m a completely different person than I was a year ago. I just love this group.
Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #13
BTR Group Sessions and Individual Sessions. They have all been an amazing space for me to be able to find safety, encouragement, and support. BTR has helped me and continues to help me as I’m still in this process. To be reminded that I’m not crazy and that I can watch for the signs. I can check in with myself and check in with my body, I know the symptoms of betrayal trauma.
I’m grateful to have this community. It’s been really important to help me be able to recover. And I look forward to recovering more.
Emotional abuse Survivor Story #14
Well, I found BTR.ORG through Instagram. Anne would post reels and I realized they were about me. They helped me so much. So I started attending BTR Group Sessions. It was like finally having the place where everything in my life that didn’t make sense made sense. Because there could be words put to it. I wasn’t alone and to be able to literally put the voices from group in my, in my ears. And be able to hear that as things are happening in my life.
It’s just been life changing. It’s been a great support.
Setting Boundaries When You Are An Emotional Abuse Survivor
Anne created The BTR.ORG Workshop for emotional abuse survivors to understand and implement boundaries, check it out today.
Bonus Story
I hadn’t found any groups that I felt comfortable going to, just having such a hard time finding a counselor, I felt like they were listening, but maybe didn’t really get it. And I have friends and family that know that I’m separated and they know that I’m hurting, but still, again, they don’t know the details or maybe how to listen with understanding.
And I just want to do my best to help other ladies find BTR , more quickly than I did.
Being around all these women, at BTR even if they hadn’t experienced the same thing, they knew how to react appropriately and the right things to say. It felt so good just to be able to talk and not worry about filtering what I was saying or trying to remember what I had already told them, or is this person safe or not?
Or when am I going to run into them at the grocery store? Or do they know my husband? I was able to share my story and not feel judged. It was a really great
The Agony of Betrayal: How to Use Music To Heal
Nov 12, 2024
Show notes
Voicing the agony of betrayal trauma can come in many different forms. Ralynne Riggs, a professional singer and victim of betrayal and abuse, shares her experience. She created a YouTube cover of the song Anything Worth Holding On To. Transcript: Voicing the Agony Of Betrayal Anne: I’ve posted the music video we’re talking about today on our YouTube channel. So after you’ve listened to this episode, click here to find Betrayal Trauma on YouTube. This music video really captures the emotions that women go through when they’re experiencing betrayal trauma. So many women feel this way. They’re going to relate when they see it. Once you see it, you’ll know what I’m talking about. It’s incredible. And I really want to get this video out there. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0UGEHQNHKw The Agony Of Betrayal: Help Us Go Viral Anne: So maybe with your help. We can get it to go viral. Anything you can do to help us go viral would be greatly appreciated. So go to YouTube and watch it. Like it, share it, subscribe to our YouTube channel. Ralynne Voices Her Agony Through Music Anne: Ralynne Riggs is the woman who created this music video. She was born and raised in Chandler, Arizona. Her passions include singing, dancing, acting, horseback riding, baking and making movies. As you will see when you go to our YouTube channel. As well as being the favorite aunt to her beautiful nieces and nephews. Since she was young, her greatest passion has been the stage. She received her bachelor’s degree in vocal performance from Brigham Young University and has performed as a leading soprano throughout the U. S., China, and Austria. After graduation, she became a lead singer for Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida and on a Disney cruise line. Ralynne has learned the importance of hard work, confidence, self worth, and perseverance in bringing one’s dreams to life. Her mantra is you can do anything. If you just do it. Welcome Ralynne. Ralynne: Thank you so much Anne. Anne: So I’m hoping by this time people have paused this podcast. They’ve gone to our YouTube channel. They have seen this amazing music video that you made. I hope they shared it and commented. I’m hoping that they’re letting their friends and family know about this incredible video. Also that they’re understanding that this can help their friends and family. And other people understand the pain that victims go through. So you were prompted to create this video to help educate people about betrayal trauma. Initial Discovery Of His Betrayal Anne: But before we get to that and what happens with that, let’s start with your own personal story. Did you know about your husband’s pornography addiction before you married? Ralynne: I did know a little bit about his addiction before we were married. There was one night when after things were more serious in our dating that he approached me. He said there were things in his past that he wanted to make me aware of. So that I truly knew everything about him. He shared with me that he struggled with this throughout his teenage years. But you know, I was kind of naive to the problem, to how serious a addiction could be. What that all entailed. I didn’t know the right questions to ask. I thought, well no one’s perfect, and I asked him if he had struggled with it since. Because he said he had cleaned up and didn’t struggle with it at all. To me, I thought, well, that was brave of him to bring that up with me and share it with me. And I believed him and I didn’t know what else to ask about it. The Agony Betrayal: Your Husband Is Lying To You Anne: Even if you had, because we know that users often lie about their use. Or abusive men often lie and manipulate. So even if you had known the so-called right questions to ask, that likely wouldn’t have helped you. What we find helps women more, and you know this now, is what behaviors to look for. And you also didn’t know that at the time what a cheating husband says. What was your reaction to his disclosure about viewing and acting out with explicit material after you married? The Agony Of Betrayal: Infidelity Ralynne: Well it was about five months into our marriage that he called me very distraught and crying. And telling me that I needed to come home because he needed me. I didn’t know what was going on. And then I got home. He shares with me that he viewed and acted out to explicit material. In my mind I was thinking, okay. So all of a sudden after four or five years of not viewing it, you’ve gone back to it. Why? So, as a new bride, I of course was sitting there in utter shock. I felt immediately like it had something to do with me. Was I not enough? Why would he go back to this now? And I mostly was just in shock and disbelief. But he also seemed so sorry when he told me that. My immediate reaction was, I love you. Thank you for being honest with me and telling me about it. Let’s go meet with our bishop and get a therapist and start working through this together. I literally told him, use me when you need to use me, let’s be open and get through this together. Use me as far as, if you’re feeling tempted, talk to me, tell me when you’ve done it. Let’s be open and honest. Part of me was like, hey, well, if you’re feeling the urge. Hello, we married. Let me know, like, why would you turn to that instead of turning to me, your wife? I know now, that those were a lot of the wrong things to do. Not Understanding The Need For Safety During The Agony Of Betrayal Anne: I’m guessing you didn’t understand the emotional abuse that you experienced. Ralynne: Not at all. Anne: And I’m guessing, you also didn’t understand, boundaries or keeping yourself safe? Ralynne: I knew nothing about that because it did not register in my mind that anything had been done to me. At that point. Anne: Yeah, you’re just thinking, Oh, this is too bad for him, but I can help him through it. Kind of like he got a broken finger or something. Describe what happened in your personal life during this time. And what were your days like as you tried to “help” your husband worked through his addiction. Ralynne: They were pretty awful for me, long story short, I kind of took on the problem. I’m a go getter in all of the things that I do in life. It’s not surprising to me that I took everything on my shoulders. I became very worried about doing check ins with him. And I was even worried when I talked to him if he was telling me the truth or not. Setting up appointments for therapy, we went together and we went separately. Then I was told about addiction recovery programs and started going to those. I didn’t realize I was experiencing the agony of betrayal trauma. But as we went, there was no real desire or effort coming from him to want to go. It was like I was dragging him along, which made things worse. Then I felt like I was fighting harder for something that wasn’t even really my issue to begin with. But it was becoming my issue and it was consuming my days. Betrayal; The Agony Of Trying To Solve The Same Problem Over & Over Ralynne: And I actually was let go from my job. In that meeting my boss said, ultimately he was very sorry, but I was just so sad all the time. He had to let me go. That was a huge wake up call for me. Because that is not a way I’ve ever been described in my life. Usually people associate me with words like you’re so bubbly and so happy. And so outgoing, to see that I had become this sad person that couldn’t even hide my sadness. Everything was spiraling the other way and affecting my life in a very negative way was a huge wake up call for me. The agony of betrayal trauma was so intense, I became this kind of introverted ball of depression, tears and anxiety. The Agony Of Losing Yourself Due To Betrayal Ralynne: I began to have panic attacks, which I had never experienced before in my life. And it just seemed like I could not succeed anywhere. I couldn’t succeed at my job and I couldn’t succeed at home. Everything was just so dark and hopeless during that time. I lost myself completely just trying to survive each day. I became very numb through that whole process. Realization Of His Betrayal Anne: So, you did not realize at that time that you were a victim of abuse. You didn’t realize that the reason this was happening was because you were a victim of abuse. But you did start to realize that you were suffering from the agony of betrayal trauma. How did you realize the betrayal trauma piece? Ralynne: My ecclesiastical leader had been told by my husband that I was depressed. Because that’s what my husband was blaming things on. I was suffering from depression. So, my ecclesiastical leader met with me and I said, I’m not depressed, this is what’s going on. I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery, what’s betrayal trauma? I had no idea what that was at the time. Recognizing the Emotional and Psychological Abuse Inherent in Betrayal Ralynne: The BTR team expounded further and mention the different types of abuse that were going on emotional, spiritual, mental, all of those things. And I just listened to her say that in disbelief. But as she said it, it kind of dawned on me. Of course, that makes complete sense. But as most people, when I think of abuse, I don’t think of all the emotional types of abuse . And I especially wouldn’t associate that with me. I would never think my spouse would be someone who would be emotionally, spiritually, and mentally abusing me. The agony of betrayal trauma was so intense. But unfortunately that was the reality. It wasn’t until I spoke with her that all those light bulbs went on and I realized how bad the situation was. Anne: Yeah. It’s a lot worse than people imagine. I think it’s really interesting how victims don’t recognize how bad the situation is. Because everyone listening to this podcast has been through it, everyone can empathize with you. And be like, yeah, that’s exactly how it was for me. I think that’s one thing that we need to educate people about in regard to abuse is that victims don’t always know what is happening to them. What is the most difficult thing you realized throughout this experience? The Hardest Realization During The Agony Of Betrayal Ralynne: The most difficult thing that I realized throughout this experience was the fact that I could not save my husband. No matter how many times I went to therapy or how many times I prayed. Or how many times I took him to a recovery class. No matter how hard I try to save our marriage and help him, I was powerless. I had to learn that his actions were separate from mine. That his actions did not have anything to do with me, even though that’s the hardest thing I think for a spouse to believe. But that they didn’t have anything to do with me. That it was all his choices, his actions. There was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Anne: When women find out that they’re being abused, they think one of their options is to help him stop being abusive. And that’s never an option because it never works. So there’s either, he just stops on his own somehow and then you’re safe or you have to start setting boundaries. The Agony Of Betrayal: Not Keeping It Secret Anne: Speaking of boundaries, if you’re wondering how do I set boundaries in marriage. knowing what you know now, if you could go back in time and do it over again. Which none of us can, but we’ve all thought this, what would you have done differently? And this question isn’t meant to like, Oh, what should you have done? But to educate women who are currently in this situation, to help them know what to do now. Ralynne: Yes. Well, first of all, I would have loved to know right away. It’s not my fault and I can’t blame myself. Or take it on my shoulders. So knowing that, I would definitely take that off of myself right away. Secondly, I would have done a lot more research before finding a therapist that we met with. Because we just went with someone recommended to us by our ecclesiastical leader. Who was not qualified in any way regarding abuse. I also would be more vocal about it. Because the decision that we made when it first happened. Was that we didn’t want to share with our family what’s going on. Because we didn’t want either person to be viewed in a bad light or gossiped about amongst our family. And we decided we could get through it together on our own with each other and with our therapist. I think that was also a huge mistake because It allowed him to continue to get away with not having to own up to his addiction. And the problems that were happening within our marriage because of it. I think if we would have involved our parents. At least as a support, it maybe would have helped him to be more accountable right away. Rather than feeling like he could keep hiding it. Importance of a Support Network Anne: Maybe, let me put your heart at ease in that regard. I told everyone. My ex didn’t want me to, but then it ended up getting used against me by my in-laws. So it can go either way. I’m not saying people should or shouldn’t tell other people, but just know that both of them have risks. Anne: But I do think victims need a safe support network. You don’t know if someone is safe if you don’t try. So even if you try and it doesn’t go so well with a particular person. Your mother-in-law, a father-in-law, even your own parents, at least you tried to see if they were safe. This also happens with your abusive husband’s therapist. Which you won’t know if you don’t try. So try, and then if they are unsafe, you can always set boundaries or pull back later. But building a really strong support network is really important. Ralynne: Yes, and with setting boundaries, again, that was a concept that I didn’t know about. It was brought to my knowledge way too far into the issue. So, if I knew about that and went through something like this again. Or could do it again, I immediately would have started setting safe boundaries and sticking to them. The Agony Betrayal: Gaslighting Ralynne: Because trying to do that two years into problems already going on. Immediately turned into him feeling like, what you’re going to punish me now. As if I already don’t feel bad enough, you’re going to punish me now. And he just reacts in the way that he was a child and he punished. How could I do that to him when he was already hurting so much. So boundaries never worked for us. Anne: Well, they worked for you, they didn’t work for your abuser. And then he was trying to get around the abuse by saying that stuff. But that was meant to manipulate you to drop your boundaries. That was a calculated way of trying to convince you, gaslight you, manipulate you, lie to you, so you would drop the boundaries. So, did your boundaries work? For you, yes. So when people say boundaries didn’t work for us, I always want to tell women, Oh, no, they’re always going to work for you. They might not work for your abuser, but great! If they don’t work for your abuser, then yay! If he’s mad because he can’t abuse you anymore, fantastic! You’ve done yourself a favor and if someone is abusive and you set a boundary, their abuse will escalate. So they’ll manipulate you more, they’ll get more angry. If they’re not abusive and you set a boundary, things will slowly get better over time. So setting a boundary is always going to help victims know their baseline safety situation, which is good. Why It’s Important To Voice Your Agony At His Betrayal Anne: Okay, so let’s talk about this music video. Again, I’m going to pause here one more time. Go to our YouTube channel, Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Watch this video. We just posted it. Please subscribe to our channel. Share it with your friends and family, share it on Facebook, share it everywhere you can. Please help us get this video out so other people can understand the pain and suffering that women go through. Because Ralynne has done such a good job of illustrating this. I got an email a while ago that said, Hey, I’m Ralynne Riggs. I’m a singer. I want…
Healing Affirmations For Emotional Abuse Victims – Using Words Of Love
Nov 05, 2024
Show notes
Have you experienced emotional abuse from your husband? Maybe in the form of sexual betrayal. If so, here are five affirmations for emotional abuse victims. 1. I Am Enough Abusive relationships often diminish a person’s self-worth. Victims are led to believe they need their abuser for validation. By repeating the affirmation, I AM ENOUGH, victims can begin to rebuild their self-esteem and recognize their intrinsic value. Say out loud: I AM ENOUGH 2. People Have To Earn My Trust & Love Many victims are conditioned to give unconditional trust and love. This affirmation encourages survivors to set boundaries and engage only in healthy relationships. Saying PEOPLE HAVE TO EARN MY TRUST AND LOVE empowers victims to take control of their emotional well-being. If you’re still struggling to know if your husband really is emotionally abusive, take my free emotional abuse test. Say out loud: PEOPLE HAVE TO EARN MY TRUST AND LOVE 3. What Happened To Me Is Not My Fault Victims often internalize blame for their abuse. They may question their actions and feel responsible for the abuser’s behavior. Repeating WHAT HAPPENED TO ME IS NOT MY FAULT helps survivors shift the blame away from themselves and recognize the true source of the abuse. To learn more about why emotional abuse isn’t your fault, listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. Say out loud: WHAT HAPPENED TO ME IS NOT MY FAULT 4. I Will Grow While nothing justifies the pain of emotional abuse, using affirmations can help victims find strength and meaning in their experiences. I WILL GROW motivates survivors to transform their pain into personal growth, promoting resilience and healing. Say out loud: I WILL GROW 5. I Feel Compassion For Myself Practicing self-love and compassion can be challenging after experiencing emotional abuse. This affirmation encourages survivors to be gentle with themselves and prioritize self-care. Joining a Betrayal Trauma Group Session can offer additional support and understanding. Say out loud: I FEEL COMPASSION FOR MYSELF Why Affirmations Matter for Emotional Abuse Victims Affirmations are more than just words; they’re a powerful tool for cutting through the trauma and the emotional abuse left over in our heads. By integrating these affirmations for emotional abuse victims into daily routines, survivors can gradually heal and feel powerful in their lives. These positive statements serve as daily reminders of self-worth and potential for growth. Here’s a link to the first betrayal meditation, you can listen to for free. Transcript: The Best Betrayal Meditation To Heal From Infidelity Anne: Three betrayal survivors are joining me today to talk about how meditation helped them heal. For me too, at some point in my recovery, meditation was the only thing that helped me. So even though I searched for meditations on YouTube or the library or other places, there weren’t any meditations specific to our situation. We’re going to start with Pat. So Pat, how did the affirmations in my meditations help you heal? Pat: I love the focus on safety. I don’t think we talk about our safety enough in our culture. I found myself during the meditations really contemplating safety in my life. And I appreciated the process of walking through the idea of safety in all aspects of my life. It opened the door for me to process. I realized that I have never felt safe in my environment ever, especially with my ex husband. But I see how. It was a slippery slope, as I was numb to safety in my immediate environment during my marriage. I was conditioned to not feel safe as a woman in the culture. It was very helpful. I have four daughters, three adult daughters, and I still have one minor at home. Because I didn’t feel safe in my marriage. I subconsciously protected them from my ex husband, and now I know why. Empowerment Through Meditation Pat: After listening to the meditation, I’m feeling more empowered to help them. I noticed that they are also numb to experiences that risk their safety. Because they’ve been conditioned to not process their safety in their environment. Anne: So did the meditations, help you also heal from the emotional abuse you experienced and all the ways your husband was holding you back? Pat: Absolutely, the interesting thing about the meditation is that it’s not specific. Anne: It’s general, because I wanted women to adapt it to their own situation. Did it surprise you how specific it was to you and your experience, even though the meditation itself was relatively vague? Best Betrayal Meditation For Women Pat: Oh, absolutely, there’s a part in the meditation where you go through many ways that we can feel unstable. Really at risk in our environments, and you name off lots of different areas. And the one area, it was just safety. Safety was huge for me. I had no idea it was so big for me. You know, I’m almost three years into this since D-Day. I knew safety was big, but until that meditation. And you going through the process of using all the adjectives to name off different areas that we could be struggling. Or we could have this feeling of oppression, which felt heavy. The part that was very hard was when you said, now feel it in your body. And I was like, uh, my first walk through the meditation. I was like, I don’t want to do this. And then by the third time I was like, all right, I can do this. And allowing that feeling in the body, and then having this white light release, it felt very uplifting. By the end of the meditation, I felt a release having the opportunity to release it, I felt peace. The Importance Of Releasing Oppressive Feelings Anne: Well, and the point of feeling all the ways you feel unsafe throughout your body. Everywhere in your body meditation is to help you acknowledge the emotional abuse, so that you can release it. Emotional abuse affects your body in profound ways, just like we’ve been in an abusive relationship and didn’t know it, we’re also unsafe in so many ways, and we don’t know it, but our body knows. Pat: Yeah. Anne: And if we tune into that, we can recognize it and then make some progress to release it. But also as we release it, it helps us make changes in our actual real life, not just in meditative form. Pat: Yes, absolutely, you know, it’s like the onion. The first time I listened to the meditation, I didn’t even want to get into the onion. And then the second time it was like, okay, I can feel this. Even in some groups talking about safety, because safety seems to be the biggest thing, safety and oppression. I also recognize that I don’t like limitations right now. And I don’t like things pushing in on me. I struggle with budgets. I struggle with calendars. Because I don’t want to feel that pushing in. I’m starting to feel that freedom of not having this oppression. And so when you went through the process of feeling the oppression, allow the feeling in your body. And I was like, this is the same feeling I don’t like about having requirements on me right now. I need to feel that freedom in my life right now. And it felt like there’s nothing wrong with me for wanting to feel this, because the oppression is what I’ve lived with for so long. When You Need Consistency to Heal From Betrayal Anne: You’re just trying to figure out a way to live with a different feeling. Pat: Yes, very much. And so that brought that up to the surface too. Anne: So for our listeners, because there are so many topics covered by the meditations. She’s actually talking about going through the same betrayal meditation multiple times, which I recommend until you start peeling those layers back. So let’s talk about the process of going through the same meditation several times. I mean I love divorce co-parenting research, but data can only get me so far, ya know. What was the difference between your attitude or your experience the first time and the third time you went through that same meditation? Pat: Going through it the first time, I didn’t know what to expect. I was very guarded. I felt cautious. By the third time, I knew what to expect. And it felt safer in my body, because I knew what was coming and knew I could process this in safety. Even though it was difficult to feel the feelings, I knew I could move through this. Anne: Okay, so by the third time, you were like, this is safe. This is a good place for me to process these difficult feelings. This meditation will enable me to release them, and feel peace. Pat: Yes, that’s exactly, exactly what I’m saying. I do well with journaling. So the workbook helped me take pauses, process in a legible way, documenting it, getting out of my body. So then it allowed me space to revisit when I had time after the meditation to navigate through the process of what I had just experienced. Navigating Meditation With A Workbook Pat: So it gave me space during the meditation to work through where I was at. And when I repeated the exercise three and four, where I wrote down what was happening in my body. It allowed me to get it out of my body. I could process my emotions and get it out of my brain. So I didn’t have to hold onto it and remember before the next step. Anne: So for anyone who’s thinking, I want to lay down or I don’t want to sit. And I don’t want to fill out a form. What would you tell them about this particular healing meditation for survivors and this particular workbook? Pat: For me personally, it was hard to write in the workbook the first time. I would tell them to move through with your gut. Maybe the first time isn’t the best time to write down things. Maybe for them, listening to the meditation is the best they can do at the time. That’s okay. It’s really for them. And when they get to a space where they want to actively navigate the meditation. And get things out of their body and brain, then use the workbook as a tool for their own healing. Anne: That’s awesome that you said that, because that is the point that women use it, any way that is useful to them. Pat: Yeah, we heal in different ways. The part where you went into all the different adjectives of possible oppression. I had to pause that. And so for some women, maybe they just need to process, and everybody processes at their own pace and time. The Power Of Visualization In Meditation Anne: Yeah, I agree. I would recommend they at least get as far as to release the oppressive feelings. Rather than feeling all the oppressive feelings and then being like, okay, I’m going to stop now. Because then they would be left with all of it in there. So see it through to the end. And especially because you said the second and third time you felt way safer. Pat: Yes. Anne: Would you mind sharing the things you wrote about the colors or shapes? Did it surprise you what you ended up visualizing about your trauma? For me, when I do it, like one time it felt like concrete, and then it just fell out. Another time it was black ink that dripped out. I hope women just go with their gut with whatever they see. Pat: Mine was pain. Pain in my neck or tightness in my gut, and it felt like my shoulders were high. They weren’t relaxed. Taking a deep breath was helpful, because I relaxed. And I noticed my shoulders drop. I noticed my wrist had shooting pains through it. It can be very small. It doesn’t have to speak loud. Wherever your gut leads you to whatever part of your body you start thinking of first, there’s a reason why. So it’s almost like, okay, so why am I at that part of my body? Is there something there that feels different than the other side of my body? You know, is there something tight? Is there a shooting pain? Is it itchy? Am I holding it? Am I not rested or relaxed in that space? Many times when you’re not trained to be in your body. Betrayal Meditation Helped Me Set Boundaries Pat: When this is the first experience of being in your body, it could be very subtle. But go with your gut, your first inkling, and the first time you go to that space, just be inquisitive and allow it to come up. It doesn’t have to be work or hard to figure out what’s happening there. Anne: It also doesn’t have to be crazy creative, right? If I said, did a color ever come up for you? And you were like, no, it never did. And then someone else was like, yeah, it was this weird green goopy thing. Either one is fine. Pat: Absolutely. Anne: In terms of listening to the same healing meditation for abuse survivors three times, by the end of the third time where you’re like, Whoa, I actually feel like I deserve safety way more than before I started . Pat: A hundred percent, I had different visions in the workbook. On one exercise, the space in me wants to say that I am a human being, and I exist. You know, just the fact that I’m here. I deserve safety simply because I exist. I don’t have to do anything, be anybody. And I don’t have to be productive, kind, compassionate or forgiving to deserve safety. I deserve it simply because I’m a human being and here. Because I have the right to be here and have my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Also, I have my own experiences and story, and I deserve the right to fill up space. You know, so much in my life, I felt like I had to be invisible. I felt I didn’t even have a right to be in the body that I have. Impact Of Meditation On Real Life Pat: Even some boundaries that I’ve been setting are, hey, I deserve to have a right to my own emotions. Because I exist and I’m a human being. What I realized was that safety resides within me. By the end of the meditation, I felt stronger in my ability to set boundaries so that I could feel safe within myself. Anne: Have you noticed your real life waking, interacting with people, moving through the world? Have you noticed a difference since you’ve been through the betrayal meditations? Pat: Absolutely, my dad came down to visit this past weekend and asked some very personal questions. And I didn’t have to over explain myself. You know, just because he asked the question doesn’t mean I need to give an answer. And also with my own children, my adult children, you know, they’re used to a mom that continues to give and give and doesn’t expect anything. You know, doesn’t expect to get upset when they take something that isn’t theirs of mine. You know, they’re used to a mom that will continue to do for them without any kind of reciprocation and relationship. So that’s shifted, because I have a right to exist. I’m a human being, and I have thoughts and feelings. And giving them the opportunity to meet me in relationship now. Because I’m a human being and have thoughts and feelings. That allows them to have a different kind of relationship with me. There are growing pains for sure. And that’s where I lean into the groups and your coaches. It’s good, because I’m now seeing them asking me, how was your day mom? Or, hey, can I do the dishes for you? Or you want to go for a walk with the dog? The Role Of Community In Healing Pat: Instead of wanting me to do for them, there’s a desire to meet me in relationship. You know, the biggest surprise to me was that I had a deeper understanding of the fact that I’m a survivor. It was in my head, the idea that I was a survivor just because of my situation, but it dropped into my heart and into my body. The understanding that I’m here, I’m alive, and I deserve safety. And I deserve relationship, and I deserve peace. I deserve a voice, to have emotion, and I have a right to be here. I don’t have to be invisible anymore. And I would like the podcast listeners to know that there’s hope and healing. The meditations are a truly empowering opportunity to see a positive shift. It’s all about your interior world, and it will help you heal the trauma in a whole different way. Anne: That’s why I did it. Because with me, I talk about this all day long. So going inside through meditation, yoga, or prayer is so much more helpful to me at this point. But it was also more helpful to me from the beginning. Knowing how useful it’s been…
Narcissist Ex Won’t Leave Me Alone? 6 Things You Can Do Right Now
Oct 29, 2024
Show notes
If your narcissist ex won’t leave you alone—even after the divorce—you know how exhausting it is to feel like there’s no real break, no matter how much space you try to create. Here are six powerful strategies you can use right now to create distance from a narcissistic ex-husband who won’t back off. As you’ll see in this interview with my guest Lee, these are real, battle-tested tools—clear, practical, and effective. If you’re married and quietly wondering if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, you don’t have to figure it out alone…take our free emotional abuse quiz for more clarity. 1. Believe Yourself You can believe yourself because he’s gonna lie about you and about everything. For example, many women send clear messages about like pickup times, pick up locations, and he’ll message back and say, “You don’t communicate with me. You never tell me what’s going on.” I had to really anchor myself in reality and to do that, I did number two. 2. Get Everything in Writing I limited all communication to a parenting app, and I used our Family Wizard. There’s others out there. For me, it was a game changer because there was a calendar, an info bank, everything I needed to keep everything in one place. It didn’t magically change the outcome of my custody case, but it did keep me grounded in reality, which is what I really needed. So, no more phone calls. No more casual conversations. Everything goes through written communication. 3. Use Strategic COMMUNICATION Knowing how to anticipate what he’s going to say and then, what specific words and phrases to use in response will protect you and get you out of his cycle of chaos. I’ll be covering some of the strategies I teach in The Living Free Workshop later in this interview, as Lee shares how she used them in her situation. 4. Learn Strategic Boundaries They are things that you can do to protect yourself with literally no words and no communication. Say he’s stepping on your foot over and over, and you keep telling him, “Hey, please stop stepping on my foot,” and you go to therapy about him stop stepping on your foot. And he keeps doing it. It’s like wearing steel toed boots. You don’t have to explain it to him or announce it. You just put them on and protect your foot, no words required. 5. Focus on YouRSELF AND THE LIFE YOU WANT TO CREATE He is going to do everything he can to make that impossible, because he is always trying to get your attention by doing crazy things. I remember standing in my kitchen and I was like, I want to help my kids with their homework. I wanna be present with my kids. And the notifications on my phone were like blowing up in that moment. I just turned it off and focused on the thing that I wanted to do that day. As I started to focus on what I wanted rather than his chaos, I really felt a shift. You deserve more than just getting through the day. You deserve to rebuild a life that feels steady, peaceful, and yours again. Start small. It doesn’t have to be dramatic to be powerful. Transcript: When Your Narcissist Ex Won’t Leave You Alone Anne: A member of the BTR community, we’re going to call her Lee, is on today’s episode. She’s going to be sharing her story. And then also how she implemented the strategies in the Living Free Workshop. Welcome Lee. Lee: Hi, thanks for having me. Anne: Many women in this situation go through years and years of emotional abuse and psychological abuse and they don’t even realize it. So let’s talk about your experience. You married really young. In the beginning did you realize it was abuse? Lee: No, I did not. Not until pretty much in my mid 30’s. I got married at 19 and we were really young. so I thought it was just a maturity thing and that eventually we’d get past that. There was also addiction and again I thought that was a just a thing. That we would be able to at some point get over once we grew up. I Thought Divorce Would Remove Me From My Ex-Husband’s Chaos Anne: What were some of the things that he was choosing? Lee: He really struggled throughout our entire marriage with exploitative material. Unfortunately, it just became a bigger and bigger problem. It was always in our home. I think I just became immune to that part of it. So I thought, Oh, as soon as we grew up, he’ll stop drinking and looking at it. Anne: A lot of victims have that feeling. Like okay, once he can get this thing under control, then he’s not going to act like this anymore. That’s hard to recognize that they are experiencing betrayal trauma in marriage. That all of these behaviors are abusive. They’re not going to get better. What do you think was the biggest contributing factor to not recognize it was abuse throughout those years? I Didn’t Recognize How Comparing Myself To Other Women Kept Me From Seeing The Truth Lee: Comparison, and I feel like so many women do this, and this is something that I am so glad we get to talk about today, because I’ve been thinking a lot about it as I hear different stories from friends and family members. Just the idea that someone else’s situation is worse than yours. Or your life isn’t that bad because you have a nicer home, or my life isn’t that bad because he doesn’t say this to me. Or he comes home at a decent hour. Hearing other people’s stories and finding one thing that might have been better in my life than someone else’s. It made me assume that it was still okay to stay in that relationship with my narcissist ex. Anne: That makes sense to me. What were the things that you thought were better? When My Narcissist Ex Won’t Leave Me Alone It’s Because He Wants My Pity Anne: What are the things you are proud of? Lee: It’s crazy because you don’t see the things that are in your relationship at that time. He might have done the dishes one night. And I took that one night and pulled it along for everything else. He never cussed me out or called me a name. Even though he was really unsupportive, he was very generous with his time. Anne: So, at times you’re thinking, well, he doesn’t scream at our kids, so he must be a good guy. Or he didn’t scream that one time, or the other night he was great, so I’m lucky. A lot of women don’t realize he’s abusive because they think, I’m so lucky. He’s such a great guy, that’s really common. Lee: I also don’t think women realize how much effort and work they put in to make their spouse a good guy. And what I mean by that is. A lot of the things I was proud of were what I was doing, not him. I would make sure we were at family gatherings. And also made sure our kids looked good. I made sure we were going to church on time. And you know, all those things that were important to me. Things that I felt were essential to building a good family, I did. Instead of looking at how much work I was putting in I included him in that. I made it like it was his, like these were his accomplishments. I think that that’s where my mind got a little bit skewed. Like we had a good family and I looked at it like that. But I didn’t realize that so much of it was my own work and wasn’t really the work of my narcissist ex. I Felt Shame & Pressure To Communicate With Him Anne: Yeah. A lot of women do that. They attribute characteristics to him that actually she has. That comparison is interesting because there’s always going to be someone who seems like they have it worse. So you think well all marriages must have problems. But the problems we have seem “manageable” or something like that. So here you are thinking these are just maturity things or that you’re so lucky in some ways. Were there any other factors that kept you from seeing the abuse? Lee: Shame. I married really young and a lot of people questioned that. Also I had family and friends both tell me I was too young. I felt the pressure to stay and keep it together. I think that’s why I kept it together and stayed a lot longer. And I didn’t want to admit to anybody that I failed. Anne: You weren’t failing. You had a spouse that was failing, but it feels like that when you’re being emotionally abused. Because you think everything is your fault, right? Or that you’re responsible for everything . So that’s common as well. My Narcissist Ex Won’t Leave Me Alone, I Need Support Lee: I had just a few friends that I would communicate with about it. The problem with those friends, even though they were a good outlet for a release. They didn’t really understand my situation because they didn’t have a spouse like that. I mean, they knew it was bad, they felt sorry for me. I could feel that they understood it. They gave me the space to be able to talk to them, which I appreciate. But they just weren’t in the same situation. And a lot of times, the friends that I did communicate with had pretty decent marriages. It made me feel again, like I needed to be more like them. I needed to maybe not complain as much, you know? Anne: Okay, so how do you recognize that it is abuse Lee: I ended up in a Facebook group with one of the members of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, and she was very open about it, which I’m so grateful for. And I’m so grateful for women who are open about it. The group that we were in had actually nothing to do with this topic. She was just open and shared a lot of her personal life. Again, I’m so grateful for that. And the BTR community, opened up a whole new world for me. I started to understand that everybody’s looks different. Even still then at the very beginning. I don’t think I was ready to let go of the idea of keeping my marriage together. My Turning Point: When He Texted Me Emotionally Abusive Videos Lee: Then it started to get really bad, my husband sent me some really abusive videos. Videos of him talking to me in a very violent and perverse way. I didn’t know what to do. I finally sent them to the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group. Within 10 minutes I had a whole group of women together supporting me and helping me through this. Anne: With the support of the women in the BTR Group. Is this the moment you realized that woah, this is really serious? Lee: I really believe that was the moment. It became very clear to me. I always felt like maybe I was being dramatic. So when someone actually got to witness it and said to me, this is not okay. Then they said, this is abusive. I realized that it was time, probably, to make a big change and to open up and start sharing a little bit more of my experiences with my narcissist ex. I wanted the BTR community to understand the magnitude. My Ex Won’t Leave Me Alone, It Creates So Much Chaos Lee: It seems so big at the time and so scary. I worried about his reaction, my finances, and my kids. Also about this home we just rented together what would we do. We just got a new dog and there were so many things that I was worried about. I was scared. Each step in divorcing a narcissist was a step that I didn’t think I was capable of doing. And they told me I could. And so I kept taking that step. Anne: What about your real life friends and family? What did they think? Lee: I had left him seven different times before this time. He just kept pulling me back because he wouldn’t leave me alone. I think family and the friends that I opened up to were hesitant to believe it this time too. They were excited, all of them were going to continually support me. Anne: Let’s talk about the first few months after you left. How did you get through that time? Lee: So that was a really, really hard time for me. I would make fun of the the situation, by saying I lived in a house of depression. After work I would come home and lay on the couch. I watched the same movies over and over and over again every night. Lord of the Rings and Forrest Gump. I was just really sad and fearful and I didn’t know if I could really do it financially. It didn’t feel real to me because I had tried so many times When My Narcissist Ex Won’t Stop Contacting Me Little Miracles Can Give You Hope Lee: While I was living in that house of depression, I didn’t really feel like I had a lot to live for. Then I bit into a delicious peach. I started looking for tender mercies. That’s what held me up along with the women from the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group. Constantly looking for those tender mercies and finding those simple things. A lot of times it feels so dark. And we feel like we need something of a greater magnitude to take us out of that darkness. Instead of looking for those little things, that speck of light almost. And I do want to share one significant tender mercy. It’s a night I came home exhausted. I just wanted a bowl of cereal and a clean spoon. Like I said before, I hadn’t really been keeping up with my housework. There’s probably a lot of dishes and I just wanted there to be that one clean spoon. When I opened up the drawer, there was one last clean spoon. I just remember thinking, thank you. Because that’s all I needed was a bowl of cereal and a clean spoon. I feel like it’s so important for women to hang on to those little moments every single day. To try to find something in their life that is small but so significant. The Right Strategy To Live Free From My Narcissistic Ex Anne: Oh, I love that story in the Living Free Workshop. We have an exercise about this. We call it the best possible tasks And best possible moments. Here you’re calling it a tender mercy. So that’s awesome because those little things. can really give us a feeling of peace. There’s another part of Living Free, where we’re focusing on our dreams, and what we want. Was there anything that you decided, Hey. I have a goal and I’m going to accomplish it. Focusing On Personal Goals Brings Peace When Your Narcissist Ex Won’t Leave You Alone Lee: I’ve had so many, but the one biggest one, this is crazy, I painted my piano pink. In my relationship, I was always told that I couldn’t do anything, I would always want to do these projects. And he was a carpenter and he would always tell me that they were too hard. If I explained to him what I was going to do, he would tell me it wouldn’t turn out right. He was always saying that it would look like garbage. So I was scared to do anything. I started painting this piano, I thought it was going to look like garbage. Because that’s what I had been told that anything I did was going to look like. And it is so beautiful. I love that piano and it turned out so good and I moved into a permanent home this year, too. I want to remodel and do a little interior decorating that I’ve never gotten to do either, really. To really learn how to play that piano that I just finished painting and then set better boundaries for myself. I’m trying to work on boundaries. Then just strengthen my faith in my home and in myself, continue on with that. What I Told My Friends Who Were Going Through The Same Thing Anne: Do you have any advice for women who might have the same fears that you did? Lee: Yeah, you need to find support. Betrayal Trauma Recovery is a great group for that. And I know I’m on this podcast. I want everyone to know I’m not pitching this because I’m on here. It changed my life, being a part of that group. I do not think I would be able to get out of my situation without their support. And that support hasn’t ended. That support continues on and it just keeps growing. I haven’t ended those relationships, I’ve only grown and extended those relationships. As my situation changes, I just meet new people and new women and new friendships. That I’ve created in that group. The other thing is what we talked about in the beginning, and that’s don’t compare your situation to someone else’s. I Found Out Some People Weren’t On My Team Lee: That is so important and something that I wish all women would stop doing. I don’t think women recognize when it really, truly is doing them so much harm. Women should not look at someone else and say their situation’s worse, and mine isn’t. I would encourage women to look more at, is the behavior acceptable? Are they happy? Is what their husband is doing in lin…
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