372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

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Comedy
**372 Pages We’ll Never Get Back**

Conor Lastowka and Michael J. Nelson are reading books they’re pretty sure they’re going to hate. Read along with us for a podcast book clubs of Ready Player One, Armada, The Eye of Argon, Dan Brown, and more!

Latest Episodes:

Episode 78 – My Immortal Jun 30, 2020

Show notes

The artists/works to which we compare this 2006 fanfic include:

Shakespeare, several times
Dickens
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Bible
Thelonius Monk
And more!

Conor unveils his Cockney <?> accent, and it is QUITE something.

Also, we open with an audio recording of one of the first meetings between Mike and Conor and it turns out to be shockingly prescient!

Reading Assignment for next time: Read through chapter 35.

Join us on Patreon where you get every episode early and other fun bonus stuff! patreon.com/372pages

NOTE: General content warning for this book as it contains everything you’d expect from internet fanfic circa 2006 as well as some scenes of self harm.

Book 13 Announcement Jun 22, 2020

Show notes

We’re doing a new book, and if you listen to this, you can learn what it is! Just don’t email about the giveaway, the winners have already been announced on Patreon.

Here is the free ebook and here is a link to the amazon version.

Episode 77 – Man. Silhouette. LEGEND. Jun 03, 2020

Show notes

The Irishman is envious of the length of this podcast. But there was so much to talk about!

While Susan sits dazed, stupefied, sooty, unsure of where she is, what she’s doing, how math works, and whether or not she’ll ever get to Stone Manor, the revolting men around her solve the problems posed by E. Tankado.

Join us on Patreon to get every episode early plus a lot of extra nonsense! Find out our next book before everyone else. Patreon.com/372pages

A lot of Dumb Sentences, a LOT of technicians yelling, and Conor dives to the Dark Web to find a recreation that will hit you like a bullet to Jabba’s gut.

Ep 76 – The Sad End of Rafael de la Maza May 26, 2020

Show notes

The Brownisms are coming fast and furious now, like chapters in a Dan Brown book!

Conor does Real or Fanfic, we Steal People’s Mail, there are Dumb Sentences galore and Mike discovers the original ending of The Fugitive!

And we meet a ninety-pound live wire!

Join us on Patreon to get every episode early, plus bonus eps, Meet the Authors segments, contests and more! patreon.com/372pages

Episode 74 – Chapters! We Got Yer Chapters! May 05, 2020

Show notes

Victor Hugo just texted Dan Brown, “Dude, back it down on the chapters, man! It’s not a contest.” Tolstoy throws in a, “Yeah, cut it out, man.”

Yes, the sparse words continue to spill out on the increasing number of pages of Dan Brown’s “Digital Fortress” so Conor and Mike can only counter it with more of their words.

All the departments are here: Mike makes an attempt at Real or Fanfic. Conor combed the Dark Web and found something other than a rig. Jabba pounds a few damp calzones.

And folks, I can’t keep the news from you anymore — I’m sorry… Two-Tone is dead.

I’ll hold a respectful silence while you insert your own Darth Vader-esque “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”‘s….

Join us on Patreon for Quarantine Minis, early access to every episode, and the Meme Contest we’re currently running! patreon.com/372pages

NEXT ASSIGNMENT: Read chapters 61 through 80!! (Double exclamation points intentional).

EDIT: Here’s the Gary Gulman standup we referenced https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLECCmKnrys

Episode 73 – Enter Halite Apr 21, 2020

Show notes

This episode begins with the introduction of possibly the greatest character in the history of the podcast (apologies to Bleriana, Jack Star, and the Robot Pimp) Greg Hale. He enters like a bull, in all his ogling, olive oil swigging, convicted murderer glory.

From there we’ll move on to international intrigue, tired stereotypes, Idiot Switch theories, mediocre escort salesmen, and deceptive cities. And speaking of Deceptive, there’s this week’s Real or Fanfic!

Join us on Patreon for Quarantine Minis, early access to every episode, contests and more! patreon.com/372pages

For next week, read thru Chapter 60. Hopefully we get to Midge and/or Jabba by that point.

Ep 72 – Bobby Digital in Stereo Apr 13, 2020

Show notes

Man, so much to talk about and so so much is talked about!!*

Highlights: A withered naked old woman struggles with a bedpan. The smell of urine is in the air. Are the two things connected? You’ll have to listen to find out.

All of our heroes (or are they heroes [SFX tension sting]?) chuckle a lot. Like, vastly more than even that friend-of-a-friend you insist your spouse never invite to lunch again because they chuckle too much and it creeps you out.

Join the fun on Patreon! Quarantine Mini episodes, contests, early access to every episode and more! patreon.com/372pages

The departments are here: Mike may or may not get destroyed in Real or Fanfic because of Conor’s underhanded chicanery. We’re stealing people’s mail and we have a lot of dumb sentences because Dan Brown who is dumb pens a bunch of dumb sentences.

*Seconds after ending this podcast Mike and Conor talked over microphones again for a RiffTrax meeting. True.

READING ASSIGNMENT FOR NEXT TIME: Through Chap 36. (It’s ok, there are a MILLION chapters.)

Ep 71 – If “Bizarre Foods” Went Horny Apr 06, 2020

Show notes

A straightforward Dan Brown thriller, if by straightforward you mean vastly underpaid Georgetown professors sticking their heads into drinking fountains and forcing their strange dietary habits on unwitting squash partners.

We also hear from some experts on language and cryptography (and general human behavior, for that matter) about the many many things Mr. Brown gets extremely wrong.

On Patreon we’ve been posting daily quarantine minis, covering wide-ranging topics such as Andy Roony, Beethoven, and Alf dolls. Join the fun at patreon.com/372pages

We have Dumb Sentence of the Week, we Steal People’s Mail, Mike is challenged in Real or Fanfic, Conor hacks into the NSA to steal some of their crap, and also, Mike does a short set at a local comedy club using the humor of our sexy, chiseled leads!

For next time: Read through chapter 22

BTW: a lion drinking fountain liondrinkingfountain.com/pb/wp_07d17bfd/images/img232744df90d60201a7.jpg

Episode 70 – Potato Pudding and Space Catalogs Mar 10, 2020

Show notes

Alas, today we finish Moon People by Dale M. Courtney. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve eaten cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster and then gotten busy as hell afterwards. But there’s only one way to bring this saga to a close: run the thing into a ditch and hitchhike away from it when it’s still smoldering!

Yes, anyone who was hoping for a satisfying end to the saga will have to move on to book 2 because this one just kinda ends. But before it does, we get what is probably the worst space battle ever written, first contact with aliens who go on to compliment our eggplant Parmesan and then show us their space museum, and a remarkably chill version of the president of the United States. All this excitement will make us for get that our main character kinda just stands around for the final third of the book.

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! They’ll be the first to find out about our next book, they also get every episode early, fun contests, bonus stuff and more! Join them at patreon.com/372pages

All this plus an examination of the ebook’s final “About the Author” section, a visit to the Dark Web 2.0, and Dumb Sentences and listener emails!

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