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089: Teaching children about issues related to race Apr 29, 2019

Show notes

This episode is part of a series on understanding the intersection of race, privilege, and parenting. Click here to view all the items in this series. In this episode we continue our series on the intersection of race and parenting, which we started with Dr. Margaret Hagerman on the topic of White privilege in parenting; then we covered White privilege in schools with Dr. Allison Roda and what parents can do to overcome structural racism as well as talk with their children about race with Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum. Today we’re continuing the series by learning from Dr. John Bickford about how to actually have a conversation with our child on a topic as complex and difficult as slavery or the Civil Rights Movement, using both primary sources and children’s ‘trade’ books. During the episode you’ll hear Dr. Bickford and I hatch an idea to develop a resource guide for parents on exactly what sources and books to use to make sure you’re discussing the right issues within these topics: download the guide below! Jump to highlights 06:42 What "trade books" are, and why they're often unreliable 11:19 Common myths: "brainwashed," "discovered," and lies of omission 14:53 Less than 1% of enslaved people ever secured their freedom 19:58 What Lincoln believed about slavery 24:40 Introducing hard history through images, in age-appropriate ways 31:25 Why American schools are more segregated now than 50 years ago 36:30 Teaching Tolerance's Teaching Hard History framework 38:15 The real story behind Rosa Parks and the Montgomery bus boycott 46:55 Leading versus following a child's questions about race 54:15 The problem with classroom simulations like the blue-eyes/brown-eyes exercise References:

Bauer, M.D. (2009). Martin Luther King, Jr. New York, NY: Scholastic.

Bickford, J.H., & Rich, C.W. (2014). Examining the representation of slavery within children’s literature. Social Studies Research and Practice 9(1), 66-94.

Bickford, J.H., & Rich, C.W. (2015). The historical representation of Thanksgiving within primary- and intermediate-level children’s literature. Journal of Children’s Literature 41(1), 5-21.

Bickford, J.H. (2015). Assessing and addressing historical misrepresentations within children’s literature about the Civil Rights Movement. The History Teacher 48(4), 693-736.

Bickford, J.H., & Schuette, L.N. (2016). Trade books’ historical representation of the Black Freedom Movement, slavery through civil rights. Journal of Children’s Literature 42(1), 20-43.

Bickford, J. (2018). Primary elementary students’ historical literacy, thinking, and argumentation about Helen Keller and Anne Sullivan. The History Teacher 51(2), 269-292.

Marzollo, J., & Pinkney, J.B. (1993). Happy Birthday Martin Luther King. New York, NY: Scholastic.

Southern Poverty Law Center (2019). Anti-racism activity: ‘The Sneetches.’ Author. Retrieved from https://www.tolerance.org/classroom-resources/tolerance-lessons/antiracism-activity-the-sneetches

Southern Poverty Law Center (2019). Classroom simulations: Proceed with caution. Author. Retrieved from https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/spring-2008/classroom-simulations-proceed-with-caution

Click below to download FREE guides to teaching children about slavery and the civil rights movement

Get the FREE Guide!

SYPM 001: Mindfulness with Jess Barnes Apr 21, 2019

Show notes

Welcome to the first episode in a new series that I’m calling Sharing Your Parenting Mojo, where I interview listeners about what they’ve learned from the show as well as the parenting challenges they’re facing. Today we talk with Ontario, Canada-based listener Jess Barnes, a registered social worker and parent of almost-two about a mindfulness tool that can help us to stay calm when our children push our buttons. If you’d like to be interviewed for Sharing Your Parenting Mojo, please complete the form located here and I’ll be in touch if there’s a fit…

Taming Your Triggers

If you need help with your own big feelings about your child’s behavior, register for the Taming Your Triggers workshop! We’ll help you to:

Understand the real causes of your triggered feelings, and begin to heal the hurts that cause them
Use new tools like the ones Katie describes to find ways to meet both her and her children’s needs
Effectively repair with your children on the fewer instances when you are still triggered

Click the banner to learn more!

Jump to highlights 00:57 Introduction to the episode and guest Jess 02:52 What the White privilege and racism episodes meant to Jess 04:23 Facing racism in the Canadian context 05:43 Developmentally appropriate expectations and toddler memory 08:32 Recognizing our own triggers as parents 09:38 Rethinking manners: modeling gratitude instead of demanding it 11:56 "Quality time" versus "once nothing" quality time with a baby 15:19 Changing our own reactions instead of trying to change a child's behavior 15:31 A three-step pause practice for the moment something goes wrong 18:04 Bringing the pause practice into a child's own bedtime routine

088: Setting loving – and effective! – limits Apr 04, 2019

Show notes

The way we set limits has such profound implications for our parenting: it’s the difference between parenting in a constant state of anxiety, and being truly calm and confident that you’re making the right decisions as you move through your day. If we set ineffective limits, our child never knows where we stand. They push and push and push because they know we will allow it, then finally we blow up because they pushed us TOO FAR and they end up in tears (or angry) and we end up angry (or in tears, or both). But doesn’t setting limits mean being “harsh” or “punitive”? Not at all! When we set the right limits (by which I mean the right limits for your family), you can hold those limits effectively and the testing behavior will diminish dramatically. The result? More harmony at home. Less uncertainty for you. More confidence for your child. Give it a try!

Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits Workshop

If you need more support in setting limits that your child will respect (and using far fewer of them than you might ever have thought possible – while still having your boundaries respected!), I hope you’ll join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) workshop. Click the banner to learn more. Other episodes mentioned:

Jump to highlights 00:00 Introduction of the episode topic and framing 04:01 Cross-cultural discipline: shame, corporal punishment, and their purposes 07:56 How authoritative versus controlling parenting differs across cultures 11:16 Haim Ginott's ideas and the roots of emotion coaching and limit setting 14:08 When to set limits: Magda Gerber's approach and providing structure 21:59 How children's non-compliance changes from toddlerhood to age five 25:41 Ginott's three zones of discipline 32:27 Why using fantasy or false praise to gain compliance backfires 34:54 What to do when a child still won't cooperate 38:13 Logical consequences versus punishment, with a real example from home References Andreadakis, E., Joussemet, M., & Mageau, G.A. (2018). How to support toddlers’ autonomy: Socialization practices reported by parents. Early Education and Development 1-18. Denby, R.W., & Alford, K.A. (1996). Understanding African American discipline styles: Suggestions for effective social work intervention. Journal of Multicultural Social Work 4(3), 81-98. Full article available at https://www.researchgate.net/publication/234770892_Understanding_African_American_Discipline_Styles_Suggestions_for_Effective_Social_Work_Intervention Gough, J.L. (2006). Make mild moments memorable: Add a little arousal. Trends in Cognitive Sciences 10(8), 345-347. Full article available at http://aclab.human.cornell.edu/publications/papers/McGaugh_TiCS06.pdf Helwig, C.C., To, S., Wang, Q., Liu, C., & Yang, S. (2014). Judgements and reasoning about parental discipline involving induction and psychological control in China and Canada. Child Development 85(3), 1150-1167. Hoffman, M.L. (1960). Power assertion by the parent and its impact on the child. Child Development 31(1), 129-143 Joussemet, M., Koestner, R., Lekes, N., & Houlfort, N. (2004). Introducing uninteresting tasks to children: A comparison of the effects of rewards and autonomy support. Journal of Personality 72(1), 139-166. Joussemet, M., Landry, R., & Koestner, R. (2008). A self-determination theory perspective on parenting. Canadian Psychology 49(3), 194-200 Joussemet, M., Mageau, G.A., & Koestner, R. (2014). Promoting optimal parenting and children’s mental health: A preliminary evaluation of the how-to parenting program. Journal of Child and Family Studies 23(6), 949-964. Joussemet, M., Mageau, G.A., Larose, M-P, Briand, M., & Vitaro, F. (2018). How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk: A randomized controlled trial evaluating the efficacy of the how-to parenting program on children’s mental health compared to a wait-list control group. BMC Pediatrics 18, 257- Kochanska, G., & Aksan, N. (1995). Mother-child mutually positive affect, the quality of child compliance to requests and prohibitions, and maternal control as correlates of early internalization. Child Development 66(1), 236-254. Kuczynski, L., & Kochanska, G. (1990). Development of children’s noncompliance strategies from toddlerhood to age 5. Developmental Psychology 26(3), 398-408. Lepper, M.L. (1983). Social-control processes and the internalization of social values: An attributional perspective. In E.T. Higgins, D.N. Ruble, & W.W. Hartup (Eds.), Social cognition and social development (p.294-330). New York, NY: Cambridge University Press. Mageau, G.A., Lessard, J., Carpentier, J., Robichaud, J-M, Joussemet, M., & Koestner, R. (2018). Effectiveness and acceptability beliefs regarding logical consequences and mild punishments. Rohner, R.P., & Pettengill, S.M. (1985). Perceived parental acceptance-rejection and parental control among Korean adolescents. Child Development 56, 524-528. Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2010). A theoretical upgrade of the concept of parental psychological control: Proposing new insights on the basis of self-determination theory. Developmental Review 30, 74-99.

087: Talking with children about race, with Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum Mar 31, 2019

Show notes

This episode is part of a series on understanding the intersection of race, privilege, and parenting. Click here to view all the items in this series. We’ve laid a lot of groundwork on topics related to race by now: we learned about White privilege in parenting, and White privilege in schools, and even how parents can use sports to give their children advantages in school and in life. Today my listener Dr. Kim Rybacki and I interview a giant in the field: Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum, author of the now-classic book (recently released in a 20th anniversary edition!) Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria: And Other Conversations About Race. We begin by assessing what is White parents’ responsibility to help dismantle structural racism, and then learn how to discuss race and racism with our children. And in the next episode in this series I’ll have some really in-depth resources to support you in having these conversations with your own children. Dr. Tatum was featured in a short piece with Lester Holt on how to talk with children about racial injustice that you might also find helpful - she describes ways you can answer their questions honestly and fully in an age-appropriate way. You can find a link to the interview on her website here. Jump to highlights 01:25 Introduction to the topic and how this episode connects to previous ones on White privilege 03:45 Introduction to Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum, author of Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria, and to co-host Dr. Kim Rybacki, developmental psychologist and listener 07:56 A misleading version of Black history in America, and Carol Anderson's book White Rage 11:41 The "cycle of racism" and the common emotions - anger, guilt, confusion - that come with new awareness 15:15 How Kim sees White students move through denial, discomfort, and eventually action in her classes 17:16 Why the sense of "post-racial" optimism after 2008 has largely dissipated 22:53 Can a society be "post-racism" without erasing difference and culture? 33:02 Kim's questions about how to be an anti-racist parent, from diverse books to preschool choices 35:46 Dr. Tatum's advice: find your own sphere of influence and build an action plan 44:21 Working out how much to state your own values versus asking your child what they think 51:15 The story of a father whose silence, he believes, left room for his son to become a White supremacist 54:32 What to do when a child resists engaging with books featuring characters of color References Bonilla-Silva, E., (2004). From bi-racial to tri-racial: Towards a new system of racial stratification in the USA. Ethnic and Racial Studies 27(6), 931-950. Cheney-Rice, Z. (2018, November 11). Bernie Sanders and the lies we tell White voters. New York Intelligencer. Retrieved from http://nymag.com/intelligencer/2018/11/bernie-sanders-and-the-lies-we-tell-white-voters.html Derman-Sparks, L., & Olsen, J. (2009). Anti-bias education for young children and ourselves. National Association for the Education of Young Children. Available at https://www.naeyc.org/resources/pubs/books/anti-bias-education Hagerman, M. (2018). White Kids: Growing up with privilege in a racially divided America. New York, NY: New York University Press. Helms, J. E. (Ed.). (1990). Contributions in Afro-American and African studies, No. 129. Black and White racial identity: Theory, research, and practice. New York, NY, England: Greenwood Press. King, M.L. (2010). Where do we go from here: Chaos or Community? Boston, MA: Beacon. Kivel, P. (2017). Uprooting racism: How White people can work for racial justice (4th Ed.). Gabriola Island, B.C.: New Society. Miller, S. (2017, December 8). Reading race: Proactive conversations with young children. Raising Race-Conscious Children. Retrieved from http://www.raceconscious.org/2017/12/explicitlanguageracebooks/ Roda, A. (2015). Inequality in gifted and talented programs: Parental choices about status, school opportunity, and second-generation segregation. London, U.K.: Palgrave MacMillan. Stalvey, L.M. (1989). The education of a WASP. Madison, WI: The University of Wisconsin Press. Sullivan, S. (2014). Good White people: The problem with middle-class White anti-racism. Albany, NY: State University of New York Press. Tatum, B.D. (2017). Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?. New York, NY: Basic. Van Ausdale, D.V. & Feagin, J.R. (2001). The first R: How children learn race and racism. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.

086: Playing to Win: How does playing sports impact children? Mar 17, 2019

Show notes

Individual sports or competitive? Recreational or organized? Everyone gets a trophy or just the winners? And why do sports in the first place? Granted there are some physical benefits, but don’t we also hope that our children will learn some kind of lessons about persistence and team work that will stand them in good stead in the future? In this interview with Dr. Hilary Levy Friedman we discuss her book Playing to Win: Raising Children in a Competitive Culture, the advantages that sports can confer on children (which might not be the ones you expect!), as well as what children themselves think about these issues. Jump to highlights 02:24 Introduction to Dr. Hilary Levey Friedman, sociologist and author of Playing to Win 06:08 The immediate benefits of organized sports: teamwork, structure, and performing under pressure 07:59 Health benefits of sport, and the flip side: rising injury rates from early specialization 14:07 The long odds of going pro or landing a full athletic scholarship 16:09 What parents say they want from youth sports versus what's really driving it 17:18 Introducing "Competitive Kid Capital" and why upper-middle-class parents value it 19:09 How playing sports in college shapes hiring outcomes later, even outside sports careers 24:11 The self-esteem movement in schools versus the rise of competitive extracurriculars 27:09 Balancing competitiveness with teaching kids to be good teammates 35:30 What kids actually say matters to them: friendship over winning 37:32 Comparing today's organized sports to historical child labor, and the coping mechanisms kids develop either way 38:52 How narrowly defining "success" as elite college admission limits who can ever achieve it 39:50 Dr. Friedman on her own lack of athletic background growing up 40:38 A look at Dr. Friedman's own kids: soccer that flopped, and letting interest lead

References LaBella, C.R., & Myer, G.D. (2017). Youth sports injury prevention: Keep calm and play on. British Journal of Sports Medicine 51(3), 145-146. Myer, G.D., Jayanthi, N., DiFiori, J.P., Faigenbaum, A.D., & Kiefer, A.W., Logerstedt, D., & Micheli, L.J. (2015). Sports specialization, Part II: Alternative solutions to early sport specialization in youth athletes. Sports Health: A Multidisciplinary Approach 8(1), 65-73.

085: White privilege in schools Mar 03, 2019

Show notes

This episode is part of a series on understanding the intersection of race, privilege, and parenting. Click here to view all the items in this series. Public schools are open to all children, no matter what their race, so where’s the privilege in schools? In this episode we’ll learn more about how even (and perhaps especially) well-meaning liberal White parents perpetuate inequalities in schools which disadvantage children from non-dominant cultures. We’ll cover the way that purportedly ‘scientific’ standardized tests perpetuate inequality, ‘second generation segregation’ (which is still alive and well in schools), how White parents who want the best for their children end up disadvantaging others – and what are some steps we can take to move forward. Dr. Allison Roda's book Inequality in gifted and talented programs: Parental choices about status, school opportunity, and second-generation segregation - Affiliate link Jump to highlights 01:22 Introduction to this episode's topic: White privilege in the school system 03:37 Introduction to Dr. Allison Roda, author of Inequality in Gifted and Talented Programs 09:36 Why national surveys show parents want diverse schools, but schools remain hypersegregated 11:50 Defining what a truly diverse and integrated school means 15:19 Whether gifted and talented placement tests actually measure giftedness 20:02 "Second generation segregation": how gifted programs resegregate schools from the inside 22:06 Weighing the research: do diverse schools always mean better outcomes? 26:22 Defining "opportunity hoarding" and how school choice policies enable it 32:34 The uncomfortable tension for liberal parents caught between integration ideals and individual advantage 38:45 How school leaders work around legal limits on using race in admissions 41:05 What individual parents can do, starting with naming their own privilege 46:40 Closing thought: treating other people's children as equally worthy of opportunity References Antonio, A., Chang, M.J., Hakuta, K., Kenny, D.A., Levin, S., & Milem, J.F. (2004). Effects of racial diversity on complex thinking in college students. Psychological Science 15(8), 507-510. DOI 10.1111/j.0956-7976.2004.00710.x Bifulco, R., Cobb, C., & Bel, C. (2009). Can interdistrict choice boost student achievement? The case of Connecticut’s interdistrict magnet school program. Educational Evaluation and Policy Analysis 31(4), 323-345. Brantlinger, E., Majd-Jabbari, M., & Guskin, S.L. (1996). Self-interest and liberal educational discourse: How ideology works for middle-class mothers. American Educational Research Journal 33(3), 571-597. Conway-Turner, J. (2016). Does diversity matter? The impact of school racial composition on the academic achievement of elementary school students in an ethnically diverse low-income sample (Doctoral dissertation). Retrieved from http://mars.gmu.edu/jspui/bitstream/handle/1920/10405/ConwayTurner_gmu_0883E_11159.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y Gamoran, A., Barfels, S., & Collares, A.C. (2016). Does racial isolation in school lead to long-term disadvantages? Labor market consequences of high school racial composition. American Journal of Sociology 121(4), 1116-1167. Holme, J.J. (2002). Buying homes, buying schools: School choice and the social construction of school quality. Harvard Educational Review 72(2), 177-205. Knoester, M., & Au, W. (2014). Standardized testing and school segregation: Like tinder for fire? Race Ethnicity and Education 20(1), 1-14. Mickelson, R.A. (2001). Subverting Swann: First- and second-generation segregation in the Charlotte-Mecklenburg schools. American Educational Research Journal 38(2), 215-252 National Center for Education Statistics (2017) National Assessment of Educational Progress (Reading and Math results). Retrieved from https://nces.ed.gov/nationsreportcard/ Nava, J. (2017, August 28). Do parents value school diversity? The PDK poll offers insights. Learning First Alliance. Retrieved from https://learningfirst.org/blog/parents-attitudes-toward-school-diversity Posey-Maddox, L. (2014). When middle-class parents choose urban schools: Class, race, and the challenge of equity in public education. Chicago, IL: The University of Chicago Press. Roda, A. (2018). School choice and the politics of parenthood: Exploring parent mobilization as a catalyst for the common good. Peabody Journal of Education 1-20. Roda, A. (2017). Parenting in the age of high-stakes testing: Gifted and talented admissions and the meaning of parenthood. Teachers College Record 119, 1-53. Roda, A. (2015). Inequality in gifted and talented programs: Parental choices about status, school opportunity, and second-generation segregation. New York, NY: Palgrave Macmillan. Roda, A., & Wells, A.S. (2013). School choice policies and racial segregation: Where White parents’ good intentions and privilege collide. American Journal of Education 119)2), 261-293. Sattin-Bajaj, C., & Roda, A. (2018). Opportunity hoarding in school choice contexts: The role of policy design in promoting middle-class parents’ exclusionary behaviors. Educational Policy 1-44. Smith, J.A. (2015, February 2). As parents get more choice, S.F. schools resegregate. San Francisco Public Press. Retrieved from https://sfpublicpress.org/news/2015-02/as-parents-get-more-choice-sf-schools-resegregate Trachtenberg, P., Roda, A., & Coughlan, R. (2016, December 12). Remedying school segregation: How New Jersey’s Morris School District chose to make diversity work. The Century Foundation. Retrieved from https://tcf.org/content/report/remedying-school-segregation/ Watson, J. (2018, November 26). Cindy Hyde-Smith’s experience is not an outlier: School segregation in America is still a troubling fact today. NBC News. Retrieved from https://www.nbcnews.com/news/nbcblk/cindy-hyde-smith-s-experience-not-outlier-school-segregation-america-n940361 Wells, A.S., Fox, L., & Cordodva-Cobo, D. (2016, February 9). How racially diverse schools and classrooms can benefit all students. The Century Foundation. Retrieved from http://apps.tcf.org/how-racially-diverse-schools-and-classrooms-can-benefit-all-students Williams, J. (2016, April 6). Why some Black leaders aren’t down with opting out of standardized testing. Take Part. Retrieved from http://www.takepart.com/article/2016/04/06/black-leaders-not-down-with-opt-out-standardized-testing

084: The Science of RIE Feb 17, 2019

Show notes

“Is RIE backed by scientific research?” It’s a question that comes up every once in a while among parents who use the Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) approach to raising their children, and then they all (virtually) look at each other kind of uneasily because no study has ever shown that children raised using RIE methods have any better outcomes than children who aren’t. Given how much I focus on scientific research, you would think that I would have determined my overall approach to parenting through extensive reading of the literature – but actually I discovered RIE even before I started looking at research and I latched onto it because parenting in a respectful way just felt right. I knew that love was necessary but not the only tool I would to discipline (used in its original sense, meaning “to teach”) my daughter about how to live in our family. I knew immediately that respect was the tool I sought. But it always niggled at me (and these other parents): Is RIE backed in any way by science? Naturally, I could find no expert who could speak to this. So I recruited the assistance of a fellow RIE-practicing parent to help us think through RIE’s basic principles, and whether (or not!) the research backs these up. If you’re new to RIE, you might want to listen to this introductory episode on What is RIE first, so you’ll have the background you need. I actually recorded this Science of RIE episode first so it does have a very brief introduction to RIE, but then I realized it really wasn’t sufficient so I recorded the extra episode. Have questions about RIE? Want to continue the conversation? Come on over to the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group and ask away, or join the Toasted RIE group which I help to moderate! Jump to highlights 00:38 Introduction to the episode: role reversal, with a listener interviewing Jen about RIE 02:41 Introduction to Silvana Naguib, listener and lawyer, based in Los Angeles 04:19 How Silvana first discovered RIE through a Janet Lansbury blog post 08:16 What "educarer" means and why Gerber coined the term 09:59 Digging into the first principle: respect, and what evidence exists for it 14:17 Why RIE trusts infants' competence, and how Self-Determination Theory supports it 21:54 Trusting the infant's competence: wide variation in developmental milestone research 29:23 How babies signal their needs, and Alison Gopnik's research on infant cognition 32:23 Sensitive observation: why understanding a cry matters more than stopping it 38:34 Involving the child in caregiving, and why a slow, narrated diaper change can change everything 44:34 Predictable, safe environments, cultural variation in safety norms, and the idea of a "yes space" 51:17 What to do when a child's temperament doesn't fit the independent-play model 58:35 Authentic versus inauthentic distraction during unpleasant moments like injections or medicine 01:03:32 Grappling with the tension between child autonomy now and the demands of school and "real life" later References Beatty, T., Stranger, C., & Beatty, N. (1984). “Seeing infants” with new eyes. NAEYC (Series) #852. DVD.

Bonawitz, E., Shafto, P., Gweon, H., Goodman, N.D., Spelke, E., & Schultz, L. (2011). The double-edged sword of pedagogy: Instruction limits spontaneous exploration and discovery. Cognition 120(3), 322-330. Full article available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3369499/pdf/nihms378662.pdf Churchill, S.L., & Stoneman, Z. (2004). Correlates of family routines in Head Start families. Early Childhood Research & Practice 6(1). Full article available at: http://ecrp.uiuc.edu/v6n1/churchill.html Cohen, N.J., Muir, E., Lojkasek, M., Muir, R., Parker, C.J., Barwick, M., & Brown, M. (1999) Watch, wait, and wonder: Testing the effectiveness of a new approach to mother-infant psychotherapy. Infant Mental Health Journal 20(4), 429-451. Cook, P.R. (2016). The pedagogy in the methodology of three early learning philosophies. In P.R. Cook (Ed.), Guide to early childhood education: Development – design – diversity (pp.23-50). Newcastle, U.K.: Cambridge Scholars Publishing. Fiese, B.H., Tomcho, T.J., Douglas, M., Josephs, K., Poltrock, S., & Baker, T. (2002). A review of 50 years of research on naturally occurring family routines and rituals: Cause for celebration? Journal of Family Psychology 16(4), 381-390. Fiese, B.H., Foley, K.P., & Spagnola, M. (2006). Routine and ritual elements in family mealtimes: Contexts for child well-being and family identity. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development 111, 67-89. A. Gopnik, A.N. Meltzoff, & P.K. Kuhl (1999). The scientist in the crib: Minds, brains and how children learn. New York: Harper Collins. Also published as How babies think. London: The Bodley Head. Koestner, R., Ryan, R.M., Bernieri, F., & Holt, K. (1984). Setting limits on children’s behavior: the differential effects of controlling vs. informational styles on intrinsic motivation and creativity. Journal of Personality 52(3) 233-248 Levin, D.E., & Rosenquest, B. (2001). The increasing role of electronic toys in the lives of infants and toddlers: Should we be concerned? Contemporary Issues in Early Childhood 2(2), 242-247. Mooney, C.G. (2010). Theories of attachment: An introduction to Bowlby, Ainsworth, Gerber, Brazelton, Kennell & Klaus. St. Paul, MN: Redleaf Press. Owen, S., & Petire, S. (2006). “Observe more…do less’: The approaches of Magda Gerber to parent education. In L. Abbott & A. Langston (Eds.), Parents matter: Supporting the birth to three matters framework (pp.127-137). Maidenhead, U.K.: McGraw Hill. Parpal, M., & Maccoby, E. (1985) Maternal responsiveness and subsequent child compliance. Child Development 56, 1326-1334. Pikler, E. (1968). Some contributions to the study of the gross motor development of children. The Journal of Genetic Psychology 113, 27-39. Sahiner, N.C., & Bal, M.D. (2015). The effects of three different distraction methods on pain and anxiety in children. Journal of Child Health Care 1-9. Smith, P.B., & Pederson, D.R. (1988). Maternal sensitivity and patterns of infant-mother attachment. Child Development 59(4), 1097-1101. Sosa A.V. (2016). Association of the type of toy used during play with the quantity and quality of parent-infant communication. JAMA Pediatrics 170(2), 132-137. Sparks, L. (2001). Taking the “ouch” out of injections for children: Using distraction to decrease pain. The American Journal of Maternal/Child Nursing: 26(2), 72-78. Trawick-Smith, J., Wolff, J., Koschel, M., & Vallarelli, J. (2014). Which toys promote high-quality play? Reflections on the five-year anniversary of the TIMPANI study. Young Children 69(20, 40-46. Wu, R., Gopnik, A., & Richardson, D. (2010). Social cues support learning about objects from statistics in infancy. Proceedings of the Annual Meeting of the Cognitive Science Society 32, 1228-1233.

083: White privilege in parenting: What it is & what to do about it Feb 03, 2019

Show notes

This episode is part of a series on understanding the intersection of race, privilege, and parenting. Click here to view all the items in this series. This episode launches a series of conversations on the intersection of race and parenting. I spent a month wading around in the psychological literature on this topic and deciding how best to approach it, and eventually decided to split it into four topics. Today we’ll dig into White privilege in parenting through a conversation with Dr. Margaret Hagerman on her book White kids: Growing up with privilege in a racially divided America. For those of us who are White, White privilege can be an incredibly uncomfortable to discuss. After all, we didn’t ask for this privilege – we were just born into a system where we have it. But the reality is that we do have it, and many of the actions we take on a daily basis mean that we don’t just benefit from it but we actively take steps to perpetuate that advantage. So in this episode we’ll learn how we can recognize that privilege in our lives and we’ll start to learn about some steps we can take to address it. In upcoming episodes we’ll look at White privilege in schools, parents’ responsibility to work on dismantling systems of racial privilege, how to talk with children about race, and what children learn about race in school (and what you can do to supplement this). I’m really excited to begin this conversation, but at the same time I want to acknowledge that while these episodes are based on a close reading of the literature, this is a massive subject and I’m not the expert here – I’m learning along with you. If you think I’ve missed the mark, do let me know either in the comments or via the Contact page. And if you’d like to participate in a series of conversations on this topic with other interested parents, do join us in the free Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group – just search for #Whiteprivilege to find the thread. You might also be interested to listen back to earlier related episodes: Wait, is my toddler racist? (Recorded back when I was still learning to distinguish between prejudice and racism!) How children form social groups, which is critical to understanding how they develop prejudices in the first place. Jump to highlights 01:34 Introduction to this new series on race and parenting, and why this episode came about 03:04 Introduction to Dr. Margaret Hagerman, author of White Kids 06:43 Defining race as a social and political construct 08:47 Is it racist to discuss race? Dr. Hagerman's answer 11:43 Comparing the two communities: a diverse city area versus an almost entirely White suburb 19:08 Why White parents can opt out of talking about race while Black parents can't opt out of preparing their kids for it 29:14 Opportunity hoarding: even self-identified anti-racist parents securing exclusive extracurriculars for their kids 32:29 Structural inequality in schools: hall passes, discipline, and the school-to-prison pipeline 38:15 Racial disparities in medical treatment, including a study on pain medication for Black children with appendicitis 40:21 Housing inequality: redlining, restrictive covenants, and who got home loans after the New Deal 44:41 What parents can do: caring about other children, not just your own 50:05 Sponsoring a scholarship spot, modeling relationships, and the ideological side of raising anti-racist kids References Addo, F.R., Houle, J.N., & Simon, D. (2016). Young, Black, and (still) in the red: Parental wealth, race, and student loan debt. Race and Social Problems 8(1), 64-76.Birkhead, T.R. (2017, April 3). The racialization of juvenile justice and the role of the defense attorney. Boston College Law Review 58(2), 379-461. Bonilla-Silva, E. (2018). Racism without racists: Color-blind racism and the persistence of racial inequality in America (5th Ed.). Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield. Brantlinger, E., Majd-Jabbari, M., & Guskin, S.L. (1996). Self-interest and liberal educational discourse: How ideology works for middle-class mothers. American Educational Research Journal 33(3), 571-597. DiAngelo, R. (2011). White fragility. International Journal of Critical Pedagogy 3(3), 54-70. Full article available at https://libjournal.uncg.edu/ijcp/article/viewFile/249/116 Goyal, M.K., Kupperman, N., & Cleary, S.D. (2015). Racial disparities in pain management of children with appendicitis in emergency departments. JAMA Pediatrics 169(11), 996-1002. Marrast, L., Himmelstein, D.U., & Woolhandler, D. (2016). Racial and ethnic disparities in mental health care for children and young adults: A national study. International Journal of Health Studies 46(4), 810-824. National Conference of State Legislators (2017, August 1). Disproportionality and disparity in child welfare. Author. Retrieved from http://www.ncsl.org/research/human-services/disproportionality-and-disparity-in-child-welfare.aspx Nicholson-Crotty, S., Birchmeier, Z., & Valentine, D. (2009). Exploring the impact of school discipline on racial disproportion in the juvenile justice system. Social Science Quarterly 90(4), 1003-1018. Nodjimbadem, K. (2017, May 30). The racial segregation of American cities was anything but accidental: A housing policy expert explains how federal government policies created the suburbs and the inner city. Smithsonian Magazine. Retrieved from https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/how-federal-government-intentionally-racially-segregated-american-cities-180963494/ Poehlmann, J., Dallaire, D., Loper, A.B., & Shear, L.D. (2010). Children’s contact with their incarcerated parents: Research findings and recommendations. American Psychologist 65(6), 575-598. Scheindlin, S.A. (2018, May 31). Trump’s hard-right judges will do lasting damage to America (Opinion). The Guardian. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/may/30/trump-judge-appointments-roe-v-wade-courts Sibka, R.J., Horner, R.H., Chung, C-G., Rausch, M.K., May, S.L., & Tobin, T. (2011). Race is not neutral: A national investigation of African American and Latino disproportionality in school discipline. School Psychology Review 40(1), 85-107. Wanless, S.B., & Crawford, P.A. (2016). Reading your way to a culturally responsive classroom. National Association for the Education of Young Children. Retrieved from https://www.naeyc.org/resources/pubs/yc/may2016/culturally-responsive-classroom

082: Regulating emotions: What, When, & How Jan 21, 2019

Show notes

We’ve already covered emotion regulation a few times on the show: there were these older short episodes on Three Reasons Not to Say “You’re OK!” and Modeling Emotion Regulation, as well as the more recent one on Dr. Stuart Shanker’s book Self-Reg. But I realized I’d never done the episode that should underlie all of these, which discusses what actually is emotion regulation and when (for crying out loud!) our children will be able to do it. So we cover that in this episode, as well as some resources to help you support your child in developing this capability, the most important of which is Dr. John Gottman’s book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child [affiliate link]. Download your free workbook! If you’re in the thick of struggles with emotion regulation right now and you find yourself punishing or thinking about punishing your child for behavior that’s driving you crazy, you should definitely download the How to Stop Punishing Your Child (And What to Do Instead) workbook that gives you strategies to help both of you cope better with stressful situations.

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Jump to highlights 00:21 Introduction to the episode 02:31 Why children's feelings deserve to be trusted 03:32 Why there's no single definition of emotion regulation 10:16 How researchers assess a secure attachment relationship 13:32 Stages of emotion regulation development from infancy through age five 17:35 Why the toddler years can feel like backsliding, and why that's normal 23:04 What parenting behaviors help or hinder executive function 25:04 Flooding: how a parent's own dysregulation can escalate a conflict 28:51 How sibling relationships shape emotion regulation 32:04 The unique role fathers play in developing emotion regulation 34:04 A critical look at the Zones of Regulation curriculum 36:56 A curriculum with stronger evidence: Dr. John Gottman's approach References Blankson, A.N., O’Brien, M., Leerkes, E.M., Marcovitch, S., Calkins, S.D., & Weaver, J.M. (2013). Developmental dynamics of emotion and cognition processes in preschoolers. Child Development 84(1), 346-360. Campos, J.J., Kermoian, R., & Zumbahlen, M.R. (1992). Socioemotional transformations in the family system following infant crawling onset. New Directions for Child Development 55. Cuevas, K., Deater-Deckard, K., Kim-Spoon, J., Watson, A.J., Morasch, K.C., & Bell, M.A. (2014). What’s Mom got to do with it? Contributions of maternal executive function and caregiving to the development of executive function across early childhood. Developmental Science 17(2), 224-238. Deater-Deckard, K., Wang, Z., Chen, N., Bell, M.A. (2012). Maternal executive function, harsh parenting, and child conduct problems. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 53(10), 1084-1091. Fagot, B.I., Hagan, R., Leinbach, M.D., & Kronsberg, S. (1985). Differential reactions to assertive and communicative acts of toddler boys and girls. Child Development 56(6), 1499-1505. Fox, N.A., & Calkins, S.D. (2003). The development of self-control of emotion: Intrinsic and extrinsic influences. Motivation and Emotion 27, 7-26. Differential reactions to assertive and communicative acts of toddler boys and girls. Child Development 56(6), 1499-1505. Gottman, J., & Declaire, J. (1997). Raising an emotionally intelligent child: The heart of parenting. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster. Graziano, P.A., Reavis, R.D., Keane, S.P., & Calkins, S.F. (2007). The role of emotion regulation and children’s early academic success. Journal of School Psychology 45(1), 3-19. Hendry, A., Jones, E.J.H., & Charman, T. (2016). Executive function in the first three years of life: Precursors, predictors and patterns. Developmental Review 42, 1-33. Kennedy, D.E., & Kramer L (2008). Improving emotion regulation and sibling relationship quality: The More Fun With Sisters and Brothers program. Family Relations 57, 567-578. Mence, M., Hawes, D.J., Wedgwood, L., Morgan, S., Barnett, B., Kohlhoff, J., & Hunt, C. (2014). Emotional flooding and hostile discipline in the families of toddlers with disruptive behavior problems. Journal of Family Psychology 28(1), 12-21. Perry, N.B., Calkins, S.D., Nelson, J.A., Leerkes, E.M., & Marcovitch, S. (2012). Mothers’ responses to children’s negative emotions and child emotion regulation: The moderating role of vagal suppression. Developmental Psychobiology 54, 503-513. Rutherford, H.J.V., Wallace, N.S., Laurent, H.K., & Mayes, L.C. (2015). Emotion regulation in parenthood. Developmental Review 36, 1-14. Siegel, D.J., & Bryson, T.P. (2018). The yes brain: How to cultivate courage, curiosity, and resilience in your child. New York, NY: Bantam. Smith, C.L., Calkins, S.D., Keane, S.P., Anastopoulos, A.D., & Shelton, T.L. (2004). Predicting stability and change in toddler behavior problems: Contributions of maternal behavior and child gender. Developmental Psychology 40, 29-42. Sroufe, A.L. (1997). Emotion development: The organization of emotional life in the early years. Cambridge, U.K.: Cambridge University Press. Sulik, M.J., Blair, C., Mills-Koonce, R., Berry, D., & Greenberg, M. (2015). Early parenting and the development of externalizing behavior problems: Longitudinal mediation through children’s executive function. Child Development 86(5), 1588-1603. Thompson, R.A., Lewis, M.D., & Calkins, S.D. (2008). Reassessing emotion regulation. Child Development Perspectives 2(3), 124-131. Volling, B.L. (2001). Early attachment relationships as predictors of preschool children’s emotion regulation with a distressed sibling. Early Education and Development 12(2), 185-207. Volling, B.L. (2002). Emotion regulation in context: The jealousy complex between young siblings and its relations with child and family characteristics. Child Development 73(2), 581-600.

081: How can I decide which daycare/preschool is right for my child? Jan 07, 2019

Show notes

I regularly receive questions from listeners asking me whether they should put their child in daycare or preschool and my response has typically been that there isn’t a lot of research on the benefits and drawbacks for middle class children on whether or not the child goes to daycare/preschool, and that is still true. I’ve done research on my listeners and while parents of all types listen to the show, the majority of you are fortunate enough to not be highly economically challenged. So in this episode we’ll talk about why preschool is considered to be such a good thing for children of lower-income families, and also what research is available on the effects – both positive and negative – of daycare and preschool on children of middle- and upper-income families. You’ll also hear me mention in the show that it’s really, really difficult even for researchers to accurately measure the quality of a daycare/preschool setting because you can’t just get data on child:teacher ratios and teacher qualifications to do this. You have to actually visit the setting and understand the experience of the children to do this – but what do you look for? And what questions do you ask? In the show I mention a list of questions you can ask the staff and things you can look out for that Evelyn Nichols, M.Ed of Mighty Bambinis and I put together – Click here to download. Let me know (in the comments below) if you have follow-up questions as you think through this decision for your family!

References Bettinger, E., Haegeland, T., & Rege, M. (2013). Home with Mom: The effects of stay-at-home parents on children’s long-run educational outcomes. CESifo Working Paper No. 4274. Center for Economic Studies and IFO Institute (CESifo), Munich. Retrieved from http://hdl.handle.net/10419/77681 Blanden, J., Hansen, K., & McNally, S. (2017). Quality in early years settings and children’s school achievement. CEP Discussion Paper #1468. Centre for Economic Performance. Blau, F.D., & Grossberg, A.J. (1990). Maternal labor supply and children’s cognitive development. Working Paper No. 3536. NBER Working Paper Series, National Bureau of Economic Research. Retrieved from https://core.ac.uk/download/pdf/6708064.pdf Carneiro, P., Loken, K.V., & Salvanes, K.G. (2010, December). A flying start? Long term consequences of maternal investments in children during their first year of life. Discussion paper series // Forschungsinstitut zur Zukunft der Arbeit, No. 5362. Retrieved from https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/b580/c5b64c2ac7f7706963516265353f4c5fc164.pdf Chan, M.K., & Liu, K. (2015). Life cycle and intergenerational effects of child care reforms. Discussion Paper No. 9377. Institute for the Study of Labor, Bonn, Germany (Forschungsinstitut zur Zukunft der Arbeit). Retrieved from http://ftp.iza.org/dp9377.pdf Felfe, C., & Lalive, R. (2012). Early child care and child development: For whom it works and why. Discussion Paper No. 7100. Institute for the Study of Labor, Bonn, Germany (Forschungsinstitut zur Zukunft der Arbeit). Retrieved from http://hdl.handle.net/10419/69379 Felfe, C., Nollenberger, N., & Rodriguez-Planas, N. (2014). Can’t buy mommy’s love? Universal childcare and children’s long-term cognitive development. Journal of Population Economics 28(2), 393-422. Felfe, C., Zierow, L., & Maximillians, L. (2015). From dawn till dusk: Implications of full day care for children’s development. Retrieved from http://conference.iza.org/conference_files/SUMS_2015/zierow_l21761.pdf Fort, M., Ichino, A., & Zanella, G. (2016). Cognitive and non-cognitive costs of daycare 0-2 for girls. IZA Discussion Paper No. 9756, Institute for the Study of Labor (IZA), Bonn, Germany. Retrieved from http://hdl.handle.net/10419/141515 Haeck, C., Lefebvre, P., & Merrigan, P. (2013). Canadian evidence on ten years of universal preschool policies: The good and the bad. Working Paper 13-34. Centre Interuniversitaire sur le Risque, Les Politiques Economiques et l’Emploi. Retrieved from http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.687.2067&rep=rep1&type=pdf Havnes, T., & Mogstad, M. (2015). Is universal child care leveling the playing field? Journal of Public Economics 127, 100-114. Hsin, A., & Felfe, C. (2014). Children’s time with parents, and child development. Demography 51, 1867-1894. Kottelenberg, M.J., & Leherer, S.F. (2013). Do the perils of universal child care depend on the child’s age? CESifo Economic Studies 60(2), 338-365. Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Steven_Lehrer/publication/275380692_Do_the_Perils_of_Universal_Childcare_Depend_on_the_Child%27s_Age/links/586d9c8108ae8fce491b5e94/Do-the-Perils-of-Universal-Childcare-Depend-on-the-Childs-Age.pdf Kuehnle, D., & Oberfichtner, M. (2017). Does early child care attendance influence children’s cognitive and non-cognitive skill development? Working Paper No. 100. Institute for the Study of Labor, Bonn, Germany (Forschungsinstitut zur Zukunft der Arbeit). Retrieved from http://hdl.handle.net/10419/156403 Kunn-Nelen, A., de Grip, A., & Fouarge, D. (2014). The relation between maternal work hours and the cognitive development of young school-aged children. De Economist 163, 203-232. Miller, C.C. (2018, December 25). The relentlessness of modern parenting. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/25/upshot/the-relentlessness-of-modern-parenting.html McGinn, K.L., Castro, M.R., & Lingo, E.L. (2018). Learning from Mum: Cross-national evidence linking maternal employment and adult children’s outcomes. Work, Employment & Society (Online first). DOI 10.1177/0950017018760167 Ruhm, C.J. (2004). Parental employment and child cognitive development. The Journal of Human Resources 39(1), 155-192. Waldfogel, J., Han, W-J., & Brooks-Gunn, J. (2002). The effects of early maternal employment on child cognitive development. Demography 39(2), 369-392.

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