The Topical

Latest Episodes:

Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad Dec 18, 2020

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Plus, what to get for your one cousin this year who’s obsessed with militias.

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Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame Dec 17, 2020

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Hear why going back to a romanticized version of your past could put you at increased risk of having your heart broken yet again by an ex-lover from your youth.

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CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It Dec 16, 2020

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Hear why your place in line for a vaccine will definitely be before any of those little peabrains because what’s the worst they can do? Go cry to their mommies?

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Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List Dec 15, 2020

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Hear what mothers around the country are threatening to do if they do not receive a full and complete list this instant.

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Nation Worried After Catholic Church Issues Really Vague Apology Dec 14, 2020

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Amid unclear pleas of “Forgive us” and “God have mercy,” hear why experts have been left to speculate on what possible atrocity the Church could have committed this time.

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All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged More Than $25 To The Topical’s Patreon This Month Dec 11, 2020

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Sorry, but if you wanted to hear news relevant to your interests, or just the national landscape in general, then you should have been a little more generous toward our Patreon.

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Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals Dec 10, 2020

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Hear why Chicago officials are hopeful they’ll be able to effectively serve all citizens a frothy craft IPA in a chilled mug throughout the makeshift drinking establishments.

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Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Former Presidents Named Barack Obama Dec 09, 2020

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Hear why former President Obama is also investing in a Ring camera for his front door and a fresh can of pepper spray.

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Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud Dec 08, 2020

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Hear why the Georgia governor is hopeful this herd of swine will be able to detect something humans cannot.

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Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt Dec 07, 2020

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OPR joins His Holy Father in the most remote parts of Heaven to learn a little more about this time-honored tradition.

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