Stay ConnectedTIRED OF THE LIES AND THE SPIN perpetuated in the culture about men and women, sex and love, marriage and motherhood? If so, get ready to hear hard-hitting truths that will make you cry out “Yes! Finally someone tells it like it is!”
In her signature no-nonsense style, author and relationship coach Suzanne Venker offers support, motivation, and countercultural guidance on how to prioritize love and family and build strong relationships at home.
Copyright: © suzanne venker
Most of us are aware that what happens to us in childhood has a huge effect on who we become as adults. But what if the opposite is also true? What if what doesn’t happen in childhood has an equal, or even greater effect?
The absence of emotional support in childhood is as damaging as other traumas. Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is not a form of childhood abuse because it's subtle and usually unintentional. Rather than a direct act, it is the absence of action.
It’s inaction.
The result of a parent who’s disengaged in this way is that a child learns to ignore and hide his feelings from others, even from himself. Children in these homes learn very early in life that emotions are troublesome and inconvenient, and they take this mindset with them into their adult lives.
In contrast, children whose emotional needs are treated as important are encouraged to pay attention to their emotions and are either taught or modeled how to manage and express them. But children who experience emotional neglect are taught that their feelings don’t matter.
A child who receives this message is not consciously aware of it because it's rarely stated outright. It's a subliminal message delivered by the absence of a response from parents. But the result is that the child suppresses his emotions by pushing them away so they do not bother his parents or himself.
Years later, this same individual will continue to lack access to his emotions, which will almost certainly wreak havoc on his marriage and relationships.
Here to discuss what I believe is a prolific problem today is author and psychoanalyst Erica Komisar.
IN THIS EPISODE:
3:20 What are some signs of childhood emotional neglect?
6:20 Erica describes the different types of attachment disorders
6:50 Secure attachment is the ideal because your primary caregiver is consistently present this leads to an emotionally healthy person
9:30 Avoidant attachment disorder: Babies use this strategy to cope with the “loss” of their mothers due to physical or emotional absence. This produces trouble with connection, committing to relationships and being overly “independent."
14:00 The types of parents that may cause childhood emotional neglect: depressed parents, addicted parents, workaholic parent, the narcissistic parent and achievement focused parent
17:30 Narcissistic Personality Disorder is the hardest to treat
19:40 Alcoholism, drug addiction and eating disorders are all a result of Narcissistic Personality Disorders
22:00 Depression is connected to avoidant detachment disorder
23:30 Disorganized attachment disorder is typically the worst and relates to borderline personality disorder. These babies have no strategy and usually are a combination of all three. They are angry, emotionally erratic, paranoid, etc.
28:00 Babies know when the mothers desperately want to be with them
32:00 Many kids don’t get help and carry these things well into adulthood, Unless we get to the root of our pain, it stays with us
34:10 The mothers who raise anxious children are anxious themselves
35:00 Ambivalent mothers are resentful of their children
37:00 What is the difference between abuse and neglect?
39:00 What are the ramifications of emotional neglect on adult relationships/marriages?
41:00 Erica talks about her new book about raising resilient adolescents
47:00 Erica and Suzanne talk about anxiety
48:45 The difference bw depression and anxiety
Have you been told that science is sexist? Or that being obese is healthy, that there is no such thing as biological sex, or that only white people can be racist? Are you confused by these ideas, and do you wonder how they have managed so quickly to challenge the very logic of Western society?
James Lindsay is a mathematician, an author and cultural critic known for his involvement in the grievance studies affair with two of his colleagues, one of whom he co-authored the book, Cynical Theories: How Activist Scholarship Made Everything about Race, Gender, and Identity—and Why This Harms Everybody. The book is Wall Street Journal, USA Today, and Publishers Weekly Bestseller!
James calls the social justice movement his “ideological enemy” and is a major critic of wokeness. He and I are going to talk today about the evolution of the dogma that informs woke ideas such as the idea that science and reason are tools of oppression; all human interactions are sites of oppressive power play; and language is dangerous. Obviously we’ll be covering cancel culture as well.
IN THIS EPISODE:
3:30 What is Critical Theory? What is Critical Race Theory?
5:05 The 3 components that define critical theory are: it must be the normative vision of a perfected society; it must explain how the current society does not live up to that vision; and it must be applicable by social activists
7:10 The goal is to make people dissatisfied with their society by pointing out that is not perfect and building social activism built around that
9:28 Suzanne and James discuss “Critical Gender Theory” and how that relates to gender studies
12:10 The argument is that capitalism and free societies are “oppressive” and that we need to be liberated from them
13:00 Millennials are the main generation that have fallen for the “woke” mentality
14:35 Gen Z is less woke than millennials
16:15 Suzanne and James discuss Megan Markle and Prince Harry
18:00 The elite class are the ones propagating the “wokeness” we’re seeing in society
21:00 Many people are wounded from childhood and take this victimhood into adulthood and project this onto society
24:10 There is a deliberate grooming of young women to be paranoid
25:00 Suzanne and James discuss “rape culture”
30:50 We are attracted to what gives us a positive reward and repelled away from things we get negative feedback for
33:35 You get rewarded for being a part of the “system”
34:00 James talks about his political leanings, how he considers himself a liberal, and how he voted Republican for the first time in the more recent election
36:00 James talks about his work and how he became known for writing and submitting “fake” papers to expose how “woke” academia has become
43:00 James talks about how he was “found out” by journalists at The Wall Street Journal
48:40 Academia has become corrupted and is indoctrinating students
49:00 Suzanne and James discuss “cancel culture”: Dr. Seuss, etc.
50:00 What should traditionally employed people push back against woke corporate culture without losing their jobs?
Roy Baumeister is a social psychologist who explores how we think about the self, and why we feel and act the way we do. He's one of the world’s most prolific and influential psychologists who has published well over 500 scientific articles and more than 30 books. In 2013, he received the highest award given by the Association for Psychological Science, the William James Fellow award, in recognition of his lifetime achievements.
Roy's 2010 book, Is There Anything Good About Men? offers provocative answers to questions such as: Have men really been engaged in a centuries-old conspiracy to exploit and oppress women? Have the essential differences between men and women really been erased? Have men now become unnecessary? Are they good for anything at all?
Ultimately, he argues that relations between men and women are now and have always been more cooperative than antagonistic, that men and women are different in basic ways, and that successful cultures capitalize on these differences to outperform rival cultures.
Still, he shows that while men have greatly benefited from the culture they have created, they have also suffered because of it.
IN THIS EPISODE:
5:00 Men and women are not enemies of each other and have always worked together since the beginning of time
9:00 Men never “banded” together to oppress women. There is no evidence of this
12:00 “Inequality” emerged because of the psychological differences and strengths of men and women
13:50 Differences are rooted in trade-offs. You solve one problem and create another
14:30 Women are better than men at some things and vice versa. It’s implausible that evolution would make one gender “better” than the other.
15:40 Suzanne and Roy discuss the motivations and desires of men and women in regards to their abilities
17:15 The mean IQ of men and women is almost identical
17:50 Men and women are different when it comes to sex. Women cannot fathom the strength of the male sex drive
22:50 Women have a stronger desire to bear and raise children than men. The mother-child bond is universal, whereas the father child bond varies widely historically and culturally
23:30 A woman's sex drive changes over time.
24:30 Roy talks about his research of sex drives during the first five years of marriage
27:00 It’s much harder for women to know their own sexuality because it's a moving target
28:45 Roy explains the lie of the “glass ceiling”
29:50 The gender pay gap exists for a reason and it’s not because of discrimination or oppression on the whole; it has to do with the difference of desires between men and women when it comes to work
20:45 Men are more competitive by nature than women
33:50 Monogamy benefits low status men
So my kids and my friends' kids are now at the age when they're seriously dating and thinking about the future. Unfortunately, the advice most of them receive from the culture, via the media and via their universities, isn't just bad. It completely undermines women's chances for a happy, balanced life.
Young women in particular are taught all the wrong things about life and love, about men and sex, and about work & family. Sadly, those whose parents didn't offset these destructive messages with sound advice of their own are now shooting blanks. To get it right, women need a new plan of action.
In this episode, I discuss 7 countercultural rules for life and love for a new generation of women.
IN THIS EPISODE:
3:30 Modern dating is a disaster
5:30 Suzanne reads an email that gets to the heart of the issues within modern marriage
6:40 There's an epidemic of folks raised by feminist mothers that have led marriages and relationships falling apart
8:17 Get ONE marketable, flexible degree
11:30 Sex isn't "just sex"
12:30 Suzanne reads a great quote about casual sex from Jordan B. Peterson
13:15 Young women are not able to separate sex from emotion the same way men can
14:30 Don’t waste your twenties on men you hope will change
18:00 Marry a man who already knows his career path because once you have kids, you may want to step out of the workforce
22:30 Never live with with a man to whom you are not engaged
27:28 Men and women cohabit for different reasons
27:50 Don’t make financial decisions as if you'll always be in the workforce!
29:00 It is not impossible to get by on one income; couples simply make decisions early on that keep them from being able to do so
32:00 Reject the idea of “work/family” balance
34:05 There's a big difference between a career and a job; people who pursue careers pay a price for that
38:00 It is up to parents to tell their kids the truth
You probably know the adult viewpoints on marriage, infertility, reproductive technologies, same-sex parenting, divorce, and adoption. But have you ever considered these matters from the kids’ perspective?
In her new book, Them Before Us, Katy Faust flips the script on adult-centric attitudes toward marriage, parenthood, and reproductive technologies by framing these issues around a child’s right to be raised by both their mother and father.
Set against a backdrop of sound research, the compelling stories throughout each chapter confirm that a child’s mental, physical, and emotional well-being depends on being loved by the two people responsible for their existence. It’s a paradigm shift that will impact the personal and the political, and reframe every marriage and family conversation across the globe.
If you’re tired of a culture that views adults as victims in family matters, when it’s clear the kids are the ones who truly pay the price, this podcast episode is for you.
IN THIS EPISODE:
2:30 The 3 staples of a child’s emotional diet
3:30 One out of every two children is growing up without one of their biological parents
4:00 The gay marriage debate
6:30 The cost associated with speaking the truth
7:10 Them Before Us is a movement of ordinary adults who possess what academia, celebrities politicians do not have: courage
8:00 The Stories
12:00 The difference between adoption and reproductive technology
13:00 The lie that kids need only love and safety and that moms and dads are optional
14:50 Kids living with biological parents are the safest and most well cared for
15:00 An unrelated cohabitating man is the most dangerous person to a child
17:00 The problems with reproductive technology
19:00 Thinking “love” is enough is flimsy and immature Biology matters, marriage matters and gender matters
20:40 A “me” centric world and the courts have wreaked havoc in children’s lives
24:40 The lie that children are resilient and will "get over" their parents' divorce
25:30 Divorce is terrible, but remarriage is often worse
31:00 We are raising generations of emotionally “starved” children
31:20 Katy talks about her own experience with same sex parenting
Believe it or not, many men today are just as interested in having a happy marriage as are women, and they’re actually great at becoming true partners in creating a great marriage.
But: they need guidance.
Too many men grew up in homes where a father was absent physically or emotionally. As a result, men often have faulty beliefs about what makes for a good marriage.
In The Essential Guide for The Married Man, E. Paul Allerton provides the kind of wisdom many men wish they had gotten from a loving and knowledgeable father or grandfather. At the end of the day, navigating a successful marriage and a meaningful life comes down to your ability to lead yourself and then your ability to lead your family based on your actions.
A man’s purpose determines the qualities of character he must develop. In order to serve his purpose, he must consciously choose and master the attitude and self-discipline necessary to navigate the storms of life.
Paul Allerton is Director of www.themarriedman.net, a site providing men with resources to be great husbands and fathers. Over the past 25 years, Paul has coached hundreds of men, restoring dozens of marriages to thriving and loving relationships. He has been married for more than 35 years and has six children.
IN THIS EPISODE:
6:50 Suzanne reads an email from a listener who wants her man to step up
9:25 60% of men grow up without fathers in the house or their fathers “go along to get along”
11:00 Paul talks about his own marriage of 37 years, raising six children, growing up in a broken home
12:25 #1: Know where you are going and what you are doing, in your life and career
15:00 Life is not about being happy; it’s about what you can give and contribute
15:30 American men lack purpose
16:10 Suzanne and Paul discuss the Boy Scouts and why it was so good for building strong men
18:30 Suzanne and Paul discuss the Attitude Assessment Tool
21:00 Never use any one action or inaction as an excuse for your own shortcomings
22:00 The moment a woman steps in to do a man’s job, the man will back up and let her
22:37 Doubt will paralyze a man
23:00 A man’s career is not a privilege; it is their way to provide and protect. Women have lost the appreciation for that
23:45 After mastering your attitude and doing what they need to do, despite whether they want to. Men also should have a daily discipline. Any muscle that you exercise will get stronger.
26:20 Purpose can be as simple as just wanting to provide and protect your family
27:20 Parents are responsible. Parents are acting like children expecting their children to act like adults
40:30 Women who are scared control their environment
41:10 Almost 100% of the time women nag, control and yell it's because of FEAR
43:30 Men care deeply and make huge sacrifices because they care
43:40 Worry about yourself and your wife to become soft. Focus on being disciplined, committed and generous.
AND MORE!
So I had a coaching session recently w a gal who, on her intake form, wrote that she'd read my 2011 book, How to Choose a Husband—which, as a side note, is being re-released this year under a new title with a new intro—and that when she came across the passage that said 'Put marriage and motherhood, not career, at the center of your life, and fit everything else in around that,' she thought to herself, "OMG, is it really okay to want that?"
Not only is it okay to want that, it's crucial that that's what marriage-minded women do do if they want to be successful in life and in love.
You have to think outside the cultural box, and you must to think long term. If you fly by the seat of your pants or live your life on auto pilot, it will be much harder down the line to get what you want out of life. Instead, live purposefully and mindfully.
The choices we make early on have a domino effect and will land you in a place you either want to be or don't want to be.
Here are 3 hugely unpopular life decisions that lead to huge success:
1. Choose a career based on your future family plans.
2. Marry younger.
3. Don't make financial decisions based on two incomes.
IN THIS EPISODE:
4:25 To be successful in life, men and women need to think differently and be comfortable with thinking differently
6:30 Suzanne tells the story of her mother
8:00 Think outside of the box and plan ahead. This is the key to making smart decisions for life and love
10:00 Choose a career based on your future family plans.
10:40 Suzanne talks about her decisions regarding wanting a family and how she mapped out her life
12:00 “Ambition” doesn’t always have to do with money
12:40 Your family is only as strong as your marriage
16:30 Suzanne talks about why her first marriage failed
18:15 Why marrying younger is better
21:00 You can never really totally “balance” work and family. You need to know how you’re going to deal with this!
22:45 Men also need to choose a path that works for them regarding career and family
24:30 The culture doesn't pay attention to the tough choices men have to make
25:00 Don't make financial decisions based on two incomes
"Women have been acculturated to believe they should be their own heroes. Women's television delivers this message over and over again with movies in which, at most, one good man might provide some small assistance as the heroine rescues herself."
Those are the words of "Claudia," the wise grandmother who tutors her granddaughter Kimberlee in the art of loving a man in The Queen's Code.
The Queen's Code is a fictionalized version of the days when author Alison Armstrong was what she calls a "frog farmer," or a woman who brings out the worst in men by turning her prince into a frog. It offers a LIFE-CHANGING view of men that will turn your marriage or relationship around overnight.
Alison Armstrong is a best-selling author, sought after speaker and a master thought leader. She’s the founder of PAX Programs, a mission driven company passionate about transforming the way men and women relate to themselves and each other and the ultimate source for understanding men and women. Her website is www.understandmen.com.
"Until we understand the real differences in what compels our behavior, especially under stress,
we'll keep bringing out the worst in each other. And never experience the real beauty of both men and women." — Alison Armstrong
IN THIS EPISODE:
In this podcast episode, Suzanne shares letters from readers and listeners.
3:00 Suzanne reads an email from Ashley, a left-leaning listener/reader who has a PhD, lives in a big city and was on the verge of divorce. Feeling like she had no other options, she started reading Suzanne’s books, tried out her theory and saw immediate changes in her marriage
8:00 The most receptive people to Suzanne’s message have typically been married awhile
8:35 Silence is so powerful. You have a choice about how to respond when your partner is in a bad mood or snaps at you.
9:00 Suzanne reads a message from Pablo, a married man, who delineates between a conservative woman's approach to sex vs. a “modern” woman's approach to sex.
12:30 Suzanne reads a message from Joel who discusses the idea that life “ends” with marriage. In the modern discussion about marriage, all the real “fun” is to be had when you’re single and “free,” which is in part why marriage itself is in decline
14:00 The meaning of marriage and why it is NOT the end of your “fun life”
15:00 The different stages of marriage
17:50 Suzanne reads an email from Christine who read all of Suzanne’s books and explains how she was inspired to save her relationship with her five-year partner.
19:28 Suzanne reads an email from Victor, a podcast listener, who asks questions regarding the downfall of traditional roles, sexual attraction and intimacy
20:55 To cope with marital conflicts/problems, you’re always better off moving with the biological tide
22:20 Keeping the masculine and feminine dynamic leads to high sexual attraction
23:15 Suzanne reads an email from a woman who read her eBook How to be A Wife and how it affected her and how she was holding on to behaviors that don’t work and how the book transformed her life
25:50 Suzanne describes why being open to change can rock your world
26:54 Suzanne reads an email from a stay-at-home mom who struggles with validation
29:36 Suzanne reads an email from Chad, who says he sees many men giving up on marriage and relationships and how many women these days are promiscuous, masculine and immature. He asks Suzanne her thoughts on what’s happening with women in the culture.
33:11 Suzanne reads a letter from a 26-year-old married woman who wants to start a family but is the breadwinner
34:00 Why getting married later and having kids all at once is more stressful
A lot of men want to be good guys. But Elliott Katz, author of Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man, says a lot of what men are doing, thinking it makes them good guys, actually makes women lose respect for them.
To help these men understand why, Elliott and Suzanne discuss the top 5 things men mistakenly do thinking it makes them good guys.
IN THIS EPISODE:
4:00 Many good husbands don't understand why their wives are so frustrated with them
4:40 Elliott's own marriage, subsequent divorce and journey to learn what it means to be a man in a relationship
6:40 Young men look to their fathers for wisdom and guidance
9:00 Men need to learn how to show their share of leadership in their home
10:00 Why always leaving the making plans to her is a mistake
13:20 It’s not natural for women to be in control all the time
14:30 Why it’s a mistake not to offer to pay on the first date
20:00 Why, as a man, saying “whatever you want; you decide” doesn't work
22:00 What men should do when their woman shoots down all of their ideas
29:00 A lot of men think they can’t lead if their wives don’t let them
**29:50 Stand up to your wife when she treats you badly. There is no conversation about this in the culture about this since it’s unpopular and typically the focus is on women being treated badly.
32:40 Men need to let their wives know what kind of treatment they won’t accept and most men are concerned with “keeping the peace." Women do not respect men who don't have a backbone
35:55 Takeaways for men: Take the lead, be a man with a plan, take initiative, show leadership, cast the deciding vote, tell her behavior is unacceptable
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