The Self-Driven Child

Latest Episodes:

New Year's Resolution: Aka, "How Do I Get My Kid To....?" Jan 16, 2024

Show notes

In this episode, I have a great conversation with my co-author and friend Dr. Bill Stixrud about motivation and change, especially as we start a new year. We discuss the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation and how to help kids find their own internal drive.
Dr. Bill Stixrud is a clinical neuropsychologist and author. We have co-authored two books together - The Self-Driven Child and What Do You Say? He brings a wealth of knowledge about the adolescent brain and supporting kids' development.
Episode Highlights:
[02:18] - Sharing my own New Year's resolutions as an example.
[05:03] - Explaining intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation.
[06:16] - Discussing natural consequences using a story about my tractor.
[09:39] - Connecting coping skills to motivation and change.
[11:27] - Talking about the ambivalence people feel around change.
[14:51] - Sharing a story about motivational interviewing and drug use.
[20:32] - Emphasizing you can't force someone to change.
[26:22] - Offering advice for parents who want to reset their approach.
[30:14] - Laughing about a story from our new book.
[33:51] - Wishing everyone a happy new year!
Links & Resources:
•The Self-Driven Child by Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson
•What Do You Say? by Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson
If this episode has struck a chord with you, remember to rate, follow, and share the Self-Driven Child Podcast. Your support helps us reach more people and create more content that makes a difference. Here's to growing, learning, and thriving as adults in this wild world. Until next time!

If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

2023 Reflections Dec 27, 2023

Show notes

I have spent over 25 years talking with parents about supporting their kids' education and wellbeing. After a turbulent few years dealing with the pandemic, I offer compassionate reflections on what I’ve learned about helping kids heal up before catching up academically.
Episode Highlights:
[02:22] - Kids tend to heal up before they catch up academically after disruptions like COVID.
[05:11] - Focus on balancing healthy inflows and outflows of stress for families.
[07:33] - Importance of parents being a non-anxious presence for kids.
[09:44] - Let kids solve their own problems; don't take over.
[12:11] - Anecdote about letting his son handle his own last-minute paper crunch.
[15:55] - Excelling in college after years of school struggles.
[19:22] - Kids want to do well even if they seem resistant.
[21:33] - Changing the energy from pressure to support with a struggling student.
[25:44] - Taking the long view and having confidence in kids.
[27:11] - Things can get better even after really tough years.
If this episode has struck a chord with you, remember to rate, follow, and share the Self-Driven Child Podcast. Your support helps us reach more people and create more content that makes a difference. Here's to growing, learning, and thriving as adults in this wild world. Until next time!

If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

Embracing Adulting: Insights from Julie Lythcott-Haims Nov 20, 2023

Show notes

In today’s episode, I dig into the art of adulting with the phenomenal Julie Lythcott-Haims. Julie is not just a former Stanford Dean and a New York Times bestselling author; she's a beacon of wisdom for the youth and an advocate for the exhilarating journey of self-reliance. Tune in as we unravel the complexities of adult life, discuss the power of human connection, and explore the intricacies of finding your 'why'. deliciousness of adulting!
Timeline Summary:
[00:00] - Julie opens up about the terror and exhilaration of stepping into adulthood and the deliciousness of being in charge of your own life.
[02:46] - A warm welcome to Julie, as she joins the podcast, bringing her insights on the challenges of adulting in today’s world.
[03:10] - Julie discusses her motivations for writing her latest book and reflects on her role as a guiding dean to the younger generation.
[05:59] - The struggle and triumph of finding a voice that resonates with young adults.
[10:27] - Unpacking the concept of adulting.
[17:23] - The necessity of stepping out of your comfort zone to truly engage with life and develop resilience.
[20:13] - The courage to be transparent and the power of sharing vulnerabilities.
[30:46] - Julie's discussion with Irshad Manji about the moral courage in conversations and the power of listening.
[37:47] - The deliberate inclusion of diverse voices and experiences to reflect the vast tapestry of human life.
[43:36] - The significance of mentors and the impact of one caring adult in a young person's life.
Links & Resources:
- Julie Lythcott-Haims' TED Talk: ted.com/talks/julie_lythcott_haims_how_to_raise_successful_kids_without_over_parenting
- Books:
- "How to Raise an Adult"
- "Real American"
- "Your Turn: How to Be an Adult"
If this episode has struck a chord with you, remember to rate, follow, and share the Self-Driven Child Podcast. Your support helps us reach more people and create more content that makes a difference. Here's to growing, learning, and thriving as adults in this wild world. Until next time!

If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

Thanksgiving and Families: A Talk with Phyllis L. Fagell and Dr. Robyn Silverman Nov 16, 2023

Show notes

This Thanksgiving episode tackles the inevitable family drama that comes with the holiday. I sat down with parenting experts Phyllis L. Fagell and Dr. Robyn Silverman to get their tips for navigating tricky conversations and situations with family members. We covered how to set expectations beforehand, validate kids' feelings without agreeing, use humor to defuse tense moments, and provide coping tools for when things go off the rails. The goal is to make the holiday more enjoyable for everyone - kids and adults alike! Tune in for practical strategies to make this Thanksgiving drama-free.

I was joined by two of my favorite parenting experts:

· Phyllis L. Fagell, school counselor and author of “Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times”.

· Dr. Robyn Silverman, child and teen development specialist and author of “How to Talk to Kids about Anything: Tips, Scripts, Stories, and Steps to Make Even the Toughest Conversations Easier”.

Timeline Summary:

[02:00] How to set expectations with family beforehand.

[03:57] Understanding kids' sensitivity around changes in their appearance.

[06:09] Making sure adults are aware of their own triggers.

[09:36] Giving kids an “out” if conversations get uncomfortable.

[12:18] Redirecting family away from constant questions about school.

[14:06] Using humor and screens to diffuse tense moments.

[18:08] Coaching kids on sharing funny videos/memes.

[19:29] Helping kids not feel “on the spot” in conversations.

[22:10] Getting to know grandparents as real people, not just authority figures.

[23:08] Alternatives to repetitive questions about school.

[27:25] Validating kids' feelings when things go wrong.

[31:53] Agreeing on facts versus feelings.

[33:07] Using different coping mechanisms based on the child.

[35:05] Having distractions/diversions ready when things go downhill.

[35:50] Importance of food and blood sugar levels.

Links & Resources:

· Washington Post Article: Getting silly with your kids is vital. Here’s how to get play into your day.

· Phyllis L. Fagell: https://phyllisfagell.com/

· Dr. Robyn Silverman:

o Website: https://www.drrobynsilverman.com

o Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman/

I hope these practical tips help make Thanksgiving a little smoother for your family! If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to rate, follow, share, and review. Happy Thanksgiving!

If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

A Non-Anxious Presence with Dr. William Stixrud Oct 24, 2023

Show notes

I'm joined by my co-host and co-author of The Self-Driven Child Dr. William Stixrud to discuss how to be a non-anxious presence for your kids when things feel stressful and scary in the world. As parents and educators, modeling calmness and confidence helps children feel braver.

Dr. Bill Stixrud is a clinical neuropsychologist and co-author of the bestselling books The Self-Driven Child and What Do You Say? His work focuses on supporting kids to build resilience, motivation, and handle anxiety.

Timeline Summary:

[00:39] - Introducing the idea of a "non-anxious presence" and why it's so valuable for kids.

[02:43] - Where Dr. Stixrud first came across this concept and what it means.

[04:37] - Children look to parents' reactions in stressful situations. Staying calm helps kids feel confident.

[06:16] - Accepting worst-case scenarios while remaining motivated to support your child.

[09:23] - Taking care of yourself models self-care and brings equilibrium.

[11:06] - The benefits of scheduling prescribed worry time.

[12:40] - Dr. Stixrud's 50-year meditation practice for managing stress.

[15:43] - Rats turning a wheel to activate the prefrontal cortex and reduce stress.

[18:31] - Validating children's difficult feelings while emphasizing their competence.

[21:02] - Making home a safe haven and modeling handling hard emotions.

[22:35] - The recipe for developing resilience: stress plus rest and recovery.

[24:09] - Being calm helps other people manage crises better.

[25:50] - Good sleep gives perspective on challenges.

[27:27] - Wishing for peace in the Middle East. Moving towards non-anxious presence.

Links & Resources:

· The Self-Driven Child by Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson

· What Do You Say? by Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson

If you found this episode helpful, please rate, follow, share, and review the Self Driven Podcast. Being a non-anxious presence helps kids handle hard things. Look for opportunities to model calmness, confidence, and coping. Wishing you peace in unsettled times.

If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

How To Talk With Kids About Anything with Dr. Robyn Silverman Oct 03, 2023

Show notes

In this insightful interview, I am joined by my friend and co-author Dr. William Stixrud to speak with child development specialist Dr. Robyn Silverman. We discuss her new book, How to Talk with Kids About Anything. We dive into tough but critical conversations like handling big emotions, building self-esteem, making mistakes, and forming friendships. Dr. Silverman shares valuable advice and scripts for connecting with kids through their triumphs and tribulations. Her vast experience and research is distilled into an accessible guide for parents and caregivers. Don’t miss her incredible insights on empowering kids to handle life’s ups and downs. This conversation overflows with compassion and tools to foster healthy communication.

Dr. Robyn Silverman is a renowned child and teen development specialist seen frequently on national television programs. Her podcast “How to Talk with Kids About Anything” offers incredible wisdom from leading experts. Dr. William Stixrud and I have been guests sharing approaches from The Self-Driven Child. Now we have the tables turned and get to ask Dr. Silverman about her must-read new book.

Timeline Summary:

[02:26] – Starting the podcast after being bullied as a child when adults didn’t know what to say.

[05:00] – The importance of giving kids words and understanding to handle life’s challenges.

[06:28] – Emotional inhibition and invalidation lead kids to become more dysregulated over time.

[08:33] – Discussing the benefits and catharsis of expressing sadness.

[09:47] – Anger often masks hurt; getting underneath to find the real issue.

[12:36] – Assuring kids of unconditional love, regardless of mistakes.

[17:11] – Identifying when sadness becomes persistent depression.

[19:39] – Allowing kids to go through the “tunnel” of hard feelings is better than taking those feelings away.

[22:58] – Fostering self-esteem by celebrating kids’ unique strengths.

[26:51] – Toxic perfectionism and low self-esteem start early and plague high achievers.

[30:15] – The power of observing vs praise in building kids’ self-esteem.

[33:08] – Guiding kids to recognize and leave toxic friendships.

[35:58] – Sharing stories of famous failures to reframe mistakes as learning.

[40:04] – Modeling imperfection and apologies fosters empathy in kids.

[44:40] – Long parenting relationships mean we keep learning as kids grow.

Connect with Dr. Robyn Silverman:

· Robyn’s Podcast: How to Talk to Kids About Anything

· Robyn’s Book: How to Talk with Kids About Anything

Links & Resources:

· Book: Raising a Kid Who Can

Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode. If you found it insightful, I urge you to share it with others. And hey, if you enjoyed it, please don't forget to rate, follow, and review our podcast. Your support means the world to us. Until the next time, remember to love your kids and stay curious!

If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

This Simple Fix Could Help Anxious Kids: A Conversation with Lenore Skenazy Sep 19, 2023

Show notes

I’m thrilled to have Lenore Skenazy, founder of the Free-Range Kids movement, as my guest on the show today. Lenore has been sounding the alarm about childhood anxiety and overprotection for years, and she shares powerful insights from psychology professor Camilo Ortiz’s recent research on how independence - not just accommodation - can help anxious kids thrive.

Timeline Summary:

[00:53] - Introducing Lenore Skenazy and the Free-Range Parenting movement.

[02:09] – Lenore’s New York Times article about how we’ve increasingly deprived kids of independence.

[06:15] - Camilo Ortiz tried “independence therapy” with anxious kids.

[08:33] - This therapy works like cognitive behavioral therapy but starting with intrinsic motivation.

[14:13] - Overprotection may make kids scared, not the world itself being scary.

[16:19] - Taking away autonomy means no problem-solving.

[19:03] - Trying to protect makes kids anxious. Independence provides chances to gain optimism.

[24:32] - Activities create intrinsic motivation to overcome obstacles and build resilience.

[27:17] - We’ve taken the foot off the developmental brake.

[32:02] - Schools are ideal for “Let Grow” projects, normalizing independence among peers.

[33:33] - Holding kids back sends a dangerous message.

[43:32] - We must give kids freedom so they become brave, resilient adults.

Connect with Lenore Skenazy:

· LetGrow.org

· Free-Range Kids

· The New York Times: Anxious Kids Need to Learn Independence. Here’s How Parents Can Help

Links & Resources:

· The Croods Krispy Bear Dies!

· The National Library of Medicine: Learned Helplessness at Fifty: Insights from Neuroscience

· Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children

If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic (with Jennifer Wallace) Aug 22, 2023

Show notes

Today I talk with Jennifer Wallace, an award-winning journalist and author of "Never Enough: When Achievement Pressure Becomes Toxic and What We Can Do About It." With an illustrious career that began at “60 Minutes” and her current role as a Journalism Fellow at the Center for Parent and Teen Communication at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, Jennifer brings a wealth of knowledge and a keen eye to the discussion.

Together, we discuss the intricacies of parental pressures, the weight of societal expectations, and the emotional toll it takes on children. As we navigate the turbulent waters of achievement and the idea of "never enough," Jennifer sheds light on the transforming landscape of parenthood and the silent battles our children face. Are parents unknowingly acting as conduits of social pressure? Can the prestige of a top-ranked college serve as a life vest in uncertain times, or is it turning into a lead vest drowning our children? Tune in for an episode filled with profound insights, backed by Jennifer's impeccable journalism and real-life anecdotes.
Timeline Summary:
[02:11] Shocking stats from nationwide parenting survey

[05:45] Overworked teen runs laps on 5 hours of sleep

[07:08] Relentless achievement culture like dystopian novel

[08:04] Vital importance of sleep for anxious teens

[11:04] Ned's "sleep stipend" motivates better rest

[12:25] Sleep fuels anxiety's fire

[15:21] Control and stress relation

[18:31] Giving teens autonomy improves grades

[19:41] 5:1 positive to negative interaction ratio

[20:24] Abandoning play and downtime

[22:39] Instilling balanced lives early on

[23:23] "Don't talk that way about my kid!"

[25:08] Not anti-achievement, just pro-balance

[25:40] PDFT - playtime, downtime, family time

[26:04] Parents as "social conduits"

[27:41] Zero-sum thinking and safety nets

[28:20] Teen already worried about affording food

[29:02] Regressing down Maslow's hierarchy

[30:34] The vital concept of mattering

[33:55] Actionable mattering framework

[35:02] Crumpled money "mattering hack"

[36:07] Teaching internal vs. external pride

[38:29] Nostalgia informing future direction

Connect with Jennier Wallace:

https://www.jenniferbwallace.com/

Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic – and What We Can Do About It

Links & Resources:

· The Long Walk by Steven King

· Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker

· The Sleep-Deprived Teen by Lisa Lewis

If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

Is it Autism? (with Dr. Donna Henderson) Aug 07, 2023

Show notes

In this enlightening conversation with the brilliant Dr. Donna Henderson, we delve into a topic that's close to my heart: autism. We attempt to debunk common misconceptions, discuss the true prevalence of the condition, and explore the challenges faced by those living with autism. Dr. Henderson also shares insights from her new book, "Is This Autism?" and offers an in-depth look at the key criteria for diagnosing autism. Whether you're a parent, a teacher, or just someone looking to understand autism better, this episode is packed with valuable information.

[00:41] - The common misconceptions about autism and the prevalence of autism.

[08:55] - A personal anecdote about having an autistic daughter and the challenges she faces. Dr. Henderson explains how autism is a "neurological mismatch," not a character flaw.

[11:26] - Discussion on the unique challenges faced by autistic individuals in social situations and the criteria used to diagnose autism.

[15:05] - A case study on a student with autism and how his condition impacts his social interactions.

[18:13] - Evolution of autism symptoms over time and whether individuals can "grow out" of it or learn to mask it.

[20:33] - Conversation about unique habits of autistic individuals, such as flexing toes in shoes during intense situations.

[26:05] - Dustin Hoffman's portrayal of an autistic character.

[34:20] - Discussion about the emotional and cognitive taxing that socializing can have on autistic individuals.

[28:09] – I share my experience as a boy with physical symptoms.

[41:46] – Cautionary tale about making presumptions about another person’s autism diagnosis.

[48:34] - Importance of educators being curious and open to learning about their students' unique experiences.

[49:38] - Dr. Henderson discusses her book, "Is this Autism?"

[50:01] - I share my experience as a parent.
Links & Resources

· Dr. Donna Henderson's Website: https://www.drdonnahenderson.com/

· Is this Autism? Book Website: https://www.isthisautism.com/
Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode. If you found it insightful, I urge you to share it with others. And hey, if you enjoyed it, please don't forget to rate, follow, and review our podcast. Your support means the world to us. Until the next time, remember to love your kids and stay curious!

If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

Lessons from a Middle School Counselor: Insights from Phyllis Fagell Jul 24, 2023

Show notes

Ever wondered why middle school can feel like a turbulent ride not just for kids, but for parents too? In this episode, we dive deep into the world of middle schoolers with our special guest, Phyllis Fagell. Phyllis, a seasoned middle school counselor, shares her unique insights into the complexities of adolescence, identity formation, and the pivotal role that parents and educators play.
Whether you're a parent, educator, or simply curious about the intricacies of this developmental stage, this episode offers a fresh perspective. Phyllis debunks some common misconceptions about the middle school experience and provides valuable strategies to navigate this often misunderstood phase.
Timeline Summary
[0:00] How to talk with kids to build motivation, stress tolerance, and a happy home.
[6:38] Middle school is a phase of enormous growth and development, not suffering.
[10:51] What should we look for when we see bullying.
[15:00] Being different makes you a target in middle school, it’s associated with bullying.
[20:52] How to talk to your kids so they don’t feel like they’re disappointed in you.
[22:47] Where do we get the crazy idea that in order to help kids do better, we have to make them feel worse?
[26:21] What is it about the brains of kids at this age?
[33:52] When children identify with a core value, it improves academic performance in a way that persists.
[37:43] The importance of having male influences in a boy’s life.
[43:03] Why is it so hard for parents and schools to help kids with racial and ethnic differences?
[48:46] What’s the difference between a real apology vs. a “sorry”?
[57:03] Why is it so hard for parents to love their kids for who they are?
Links & Resources
- Phyllis's website: phyllisfagell.com
- Phyllis's book, Middle School Matters: phyllisfagell.com/middle-school-matters/
I hope you enjoy this episode of "The Self-Driven Child". If you found our conversation with Phyllis Fagell insightful, please take a moment to rate and follow our podcast, share this episode with others, and leave a review. Your feedback helps us bring more meaningful content to you. Thanks for tuning in!

If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

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