The Refined Collective Podcast

Latest Episodes:

Real Talk: Dating Non-Christians Mar 02, 2022

Show notes

Every week on IG stories, I do “Mentor Mondays”. Recently, I answered a question about dating non-Christians and it just didn’t feel complete. Mainly because I only have 15 seconds on IG stories to answer very nuanced topics. So in this episode, I’ll be unpacking the much debated and talked about topic of Christians dating non-Christians (plus my own experience dating non-Christians).

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Churchless: Searching for My Place Outside of Church Feb 23, 2022

Show notes

I woke up on a Sunday morning feeling waves of grief from my recent heartbreak. I feel lonely. It’s hard making friends in general, let alone during a pandemic, after a cross country move, and while you’re not going to church. I knew that church had been a source of community for me, but it wasn’t until I left that I began to understand just how much it brought me. In this episode, I just want to share where I’m at and see if you’re feeling the same way.

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Letting Go vs. Giving Up Feb 16, 2022

Show notes

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is the idea of letting go versus giving up. And based on the number of DMs I received when I shared about this on IG stories, it seems it’s been on a lot of your minds too. So…what is the difference between letting go and giving up, and why does it matter?

Beducated is offering TRC listeners a 24 hour free trial and 70% off for the yearly pass, which comes out to just $7.99/month. Just go to beducate.me/therefinedcollective and use my coupon code: REFINED.

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$7/Day to a 6-Figure Book Deal: Part III Feb 09, 2022

Show notes

In the past two episodes, I shared how I made $7/day after college living out of a van working for a non-profit. Then I found my way to photography and ultimately built a 6-figure photography business. From there I talk about how my little fashion blog turned into The Refined Woman and this podcast. And so today, I am sharing the final part of my career story: how I landed a 6-figure book deal.

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$7/Day to a 6-Figure Book Deal: Part II Feb 02, 2022

Show notes

Last week, I shared on the podcast how I made $7/day after college living out of a van working for a non-profit. Then I found my way to photography and ultimately built a 6-figure photography business. But as you know, that’s only part of my career journey. Along the way, I also started The Refined Woman and created this podcast, The Refined Collective.

Beducated is offering TRC listeners a 24 hour free trial and 70% off for the yearly pass, which comes out to just $7.99/month. Just go to beducate.me/therefinedcollective and use my coupon code: REFINED.

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$7/Day to a 6-Figure Book Deal: Part I Jan 26, 2022

Show notes

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

I saw a meme that said “I didn’t realize 2020 was gonna be a trilogy” which I thought was hilarious, but I also thought NO I don’t want to embrace that. I am on the evidence hunt for a year of celebration, breakthrough, and lost dreams coming back to life. In cleaning up my life for 2022, I came across my tax return from 2012 and my gross income was $4300. I paused and realized that 2021 was the most financially successful year of my life. So I want to look back at where my journey started and share the story with you.

Gratitude

Sometimes it’s hard to see your story for what it is because you’re so close to it— I know that’s what kept me from recognizing the beauty in my career journey.
It’s important to remember where we came from and what God has done.
Sharing my breakthrough has shifted my heart into gratitude and possibility. Hopefully it stirs your heart too.

What happens when your life doesn’t unfold the way you planned it?

How can you acknowledge the hope of what you want and long for while still being present to the here and now.

How can you stay open to the unexpected–even if the unexpected looks NOTHING like you planned?

My Unexpected Path to Photography

After a miserable experience working at a non profit in LA, my dream for photography was growing. My friend told me to stop talking about it and do it.
I remembered I had Mike’s card. I spoke to him and he offered an unpaid internship, which I couldn’t accept.
I spent the summer nannying— I was broke but it was the glory days.
Then out of the blue, Mike called and said he and his wife had been praying about it and offered me a job for $13/hour. I accepted.

A Budding Photographer

Mike taught me everything I know. I barely knew how to turn on a camera.
He brought me to New York Fashion Week to shoot a runway show, and I felt the magic of New York.
I never thought I would start my own photography business, but I did and it wasn’t a success.

Be Ready For the Unexpected

I started shooting for Carolina Herrera because a girl in my small group at Hillsong worked for her.
I started shooting for Amy Porterfield after Jasmine Star— who I met while working for Mike— referred me to her. I still shoot for her yearly.
Now, this is my 4th year shooting for Rockefeller Center. I take on around 5 weddings a year + a limited amount of lifestyle work.

Next week. I’ll continue the story with how I started a fashion blog that eventually led me down a road of landing a 6-figure book deal with one of the top publishers in the world. If you want to hear that episode now…go to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective and you can listen to it now and have access to a ton of other Patreon exclusive content.

Resources

Listen to Part II early (and ad-free) here.
Sign up for my 2022 vision casting workshop with Johan here.
Check out Emily + Patrick’s wedding photos here.
Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Special thanks to our newest Patreon members at the $7/month level: Jason, Rachel, Jeanna, Brenda, Danica, Jennifer, Amanda, Diana, Kelsey, Kasey, Brittany, Abi, and Adam. If you want to join, you can do that here.

If you’re in my Patreon community, you know that I recently tested my fertility. It’s time to take ownership of your fertility so you know your options for the future! Modern Fertility makes it easy to test your hormone levels at home. Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

Spending hours trying to find the right doctor for you can be exhausting. And if you go through that process only to find out they don’t take your insurance? That almost makes me wanna give up the search. ZocDoc makes it easy to find the right doctor who takes your insurance. You can even make the appointment online! Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat to download the app for free and start your search today!

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Tears, Fears + Searching for Vision with Johan Martinez-Khalilian Jan 19, 2022

Show notes

I feel like I ended 2021 crawling to the finish line. (Anyone else?) I felt completely burnt out, so I did a few things: I took the last month off and I hired a business coach. It honestly has felt like therapy. I decided to record our first session and share it with you. I got real, I also got defensive at times, I cried, and reached some real breakthroughs. I want you to have a raw and unedited look into my life, my career, my process, and what makes me tick and where I’m stuck. And hopefully in the process… you can experience some breakthroughs of your own.

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I Kinda Suck at Dating: A 2021 Reflection Dec 15, 2021

Show notes

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

It’s here: the final episode of 2021. Last years final episode was about how dating has changed in 2020. (You can listen to that episode here.) I have felt recently exactly what the title says: that I kinda suck at dating. So I wanted to be honest with you about what I’m moving through. I struggle with what to share and when to share it with you. I really want to honor my own process and I also want to be vulnerable with where I’m really at. So here goes it.

Teaching From Scars

I always try to teach from my scars and not my scabs, but maybe I’ve taken that too far and used it as an excuse to put walls up and not be vulnerable.
I normally wouldn’t even tell you that I had a dating relationship this year that didn’t work out. But I decided to share it on Patreon a little while ago. And now I want to share it with you.

Where I Went Wrong

I’m so used to being in community with women—I forgot what it felt like to have a man in my life. It was completely out of my comfort zone.
I didn’t realize how many walls I had up until I tried to get to know one.
I liked him so much, but I was terrified to let him know. I was afraid of rejection and became prickly, defensive, or always needed to be right.

What I Learned About Myself

Honesty is different from vulnerability.
- I share my mind with everyone. I share my heart with like 3 people.
- I am comfortable sharing truth with the masses and women, but I withhold the truth with men.
- All I wanted was him to make movement towards me. But I would resist. I would hide my heart, stiff arm, and ninja warrior away from those bids and invitations.
I put walls up.
- To me, this person was my dream person. But the timing was off. You can meet the perfect person for you, but if it’s not the right time, it just won’t work. This is a really hard pill to swallow.
Timing is everything.
- I have so many unhealed wounds from my father. I brought my trauma into every interaction + conversation: you’ll probably leave me.
The work is never done.
The #1 thing to look for is willingness to grow vs. perfection

Resources

Here’s that throwback blog post I mentioned about a breakup I had years ago.
Listen to last year’s podcast episode on how dating has changed here.
Listen to last year’s 2020 reflection podcast episode here.
Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from Made In Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

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Church + S*x: How Did We Get It So Wrong? with Sheila Wray Gregoire Dec 08, 2021

Show notes

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Trigger warning: We are going to be talking about some adult topics. If you have young ears around, put on some headphones or listen later on. We will also be talking about sexual assault and abusive messages many people have received in the church.

I believe we are in a season where women are rising up in a new way and making their voices heard. I am thrilled to be talking with Sheila Wray Gregoire, the author of The Great S*x Rescue. We’re talking all about her survey findings, the toxic messages we are taught about women and s*x, where those messages come from, and what the Bible actually says about it all.

What is the Org*sm Gap?

Sheila and her team surveyed over 20k Christian women and performed an in-depth study on 13 best selling christian books on marriage and s*x.
General consensus of what narratives are driving the s*x message for Christian woman: women are oppressed, men are viewed as animals, women are the cause of male temptation and the cure—s*x is viewed as an obligation.
Org*sm gap: 95% of men almost always/always org*sm in sex vs 48% of women.
Disagreements on frequency of s*x isn’t a problem. It’s a symptom of a problem.

Myth: women don’t like s*x. Reality: women need to feel safe to enjoy s*x.

The Obligation S*x Message

Survey question: “Have you ever felt obligated to give your husband s*x when he wants it?”
- 43% of respondents said that they were taught that before marriage
- 39% said that they entered marriage believing it
This obligation s*x message has had bad effects on the org*sm rate, marital satisfaction, and arous*l.
Due to messages like the obligation s*x message, Christian women are 2x more likely to have vaginismus—which causes pen*tration to be painful, if not impossible. And nobody talks about it.

“Believing the obligation s*x message increases the chance of a woman experiencing vaginismus to almost the same statistical affect as prior abuse… Our bodies interpret it as trauma.” - Sheila Wray Gregoire

How Did We Get Here?

A lot of it comes from a misinterpretation of 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Ephesians 5 has also been taken out of context to advance the obligation s*x message.

Path Towards A Healthy Sex Life

Know that it’s not your fault— we’ve all been taught the wrong thing.
Read Sheila’s book, The Great S*x Rescue
Realize that the only reason these messages are here is because people bought the books and went to the church book studies that perpetuated these messages. Take back the power. Speak up.
The church needs to have a lot more respect for science. “We have let pastors who do not have training in s*x write our sex books and it needs to stop.” - Sheila Wray Gregoire

Rapid Fire Questions

What is the biggest effect you’ve seen purity culture have on men?

What are some questions you can ask a date to see if the other person has a healthy view of s*x?

How have your findings changed your views on sex before marriage?

Resources

Read Sheila’s book, The Great S*x Rescue
Interested in more of a conversation around Ephesians 5? Listen to TRC Ep 137: Are We Weaponizing Scripture to Silence Women? with Tiffany Bluhm
Read The Making of Biblical Womanhood by Beth Allison Barr
Read Jesus and John Wayne by Kristen Kobes Du Mez
Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

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How to Get Real Results From Online Dating with Kait Warman Dec 01, 2021

Show notes

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

This episode is all about how to get real results from online dating, which is something I’m really interested in talking about right now because personally I have felt burnt out from online dating. I’ve also experienced some heartache in my love life recently (I don’t want to share that story with the whole world, but you can hear it on Patreon if you’re interested.) So this episode is just as much for me as it is for you. I am so excited to have my dear friend Kait Warman with me for this conversation.

What’s your go-to dating app?

I finally have an answer to that question: Upward. Here’s why:
- It’s great if you’re a person of faith who wants to find someone who is in alignment with your faith and values.
- It’s full of people looking for meaningful relationships that will lead to marriage. No hookups here!
- Upward is also inclusive and affirming for all Christians, which really matters to me. Not a lot of faith-based apps are.
- Questions on the app allow you to do a deep dive into who you are, why your faith matters, and what it is that you’re really looking for.
- Download the app for free here.

Dating Sunday aka The Superbowl for Online Dating

The first Sunday of January is historically the busiest day of the year for online dating
Why? New Year’s Resolutions, post-holiday blues + hello Valentine’s Day is just around the corner…basically it’s time for a fresh start.
Apps expect around a 30% increase in new users on this Sunday alone.

3 Things That Will Set Apart Your Online Dating Profile

CLARITY

What are you looking for? (casual, serious, in between) Communicate it clearly!
How to be clear about what you’re looking for without having a chip on your shoulder/pressure? Go in with an open expectation.

“Online dating is a low stakes operation... Take the pressure off.” - Kait Warman

WHO ARE YOU?

What matters to you?
Why is your faith important to you?
1. On Upward, you can say your denomination, which I think is cool.
What lights you up?
What do you love to do? Show, don’t tell!

“Allow yourself to really get to know yourself first, + then show that in your profile” - Kat Harris

CAPTIVATE CURIOSITY

Engage someone who’s viewing your profile.
1. i.e. 2 truths + a lie—take a guess and then tell me yours!
2. top 5 favorite books…what are yours?
Allow these to be fun + light. SPOILER ALERT: dating doesn’t always have to be so serious!

The 3 Pics That Will Up Your Profile Game

The average person stays on a dating profile for less than 60 seconds… You have to make your profile count and it starts with that first profile pic!
- Pic #1: bachelor/bachelorette photos // smiling, laughing, eyes direct-to-camera, engaging!
- Pic #2: the everyday you + the dressier you
- Pic #3: do something you love
CAVEAT: these should all be up-to-date

The 3 Pics NOT To Post

Group shots
Sunglasses
Gym/car selfies

3 Ways to Avoid Online Dating Fatigue

Commit to 3 months of Upward
Get on the app 6 days a week in the first week
- Goal: 3 dates in 3 months
Limit your use to 15 minutes a day

Resources

Download the Upward app here.
Keep up with Kait Warman on IG at @kaitness and @heartofdating.
Check out Kait’s podcast, Heart of Dating.
Grab Kait’s book, Thank You For Rejecting Me.
Listen to Kait’s other episodes of The Refined Collective:
- Ep. 17: How to Drop the Hanky (aka how to let them know you’re interested)
- Ep. 41: How to Online Date Like a Boss
- Ep. 140: Thank You For Rejecting Me
- Ep. 144 with Carrie Lloyd: Should I Marry a Christian
Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Has this ever happened to you… you’re feeling like crap, need to see a doctor, you search and find one that looks good, spend hours trying to book an appointment, only to get there and realize they don’t take your insurance? There’s a solution: download the free Zocdoc app. You can search for local doctors that take your insurance, whether you’re looking for a dentist or psychiatrist. Go to Zocdoc.com/kat and download the Zocdoc app to sign up for free and book a top-rated doctor.

This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. I’ve done therapy off and on for years and am such an advocate for therapy. Better Help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist who you can start communicating with in under 48 hours. It’s affordable and accessible with financial aid available. Visit BetterHelp.com/refined for 10% off your first month and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional.

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