The Refined Collective Podcast

Latest Episodes:

Is S*xual Compatibility a Myth? with Jaiya and Ian Nov 17, 2021

Show notes

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

If you have watched Gwyneth Paltrow’s Netflix show “S*x, Love & Goop,” then you may recognize today’s podcast guests: Jaiya and Ian! Jaiya is an award-winning somatic s*xologist and creator of The Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™, which was very transformative for me. Ian Ferguson is Jaiya’s life and business partner and the co-founder of The Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™. I am so excited to be talking with them both today about the erotic blueprint, the 5 erotic blueprints, and whether s*xual incompatibility is actually a thing.

“Maybe we’re actually going to have an intelligent mature conversation about s*x in our culture. Maybe we’re finally ready to have that conversation.” - Jaiya

What is a Somatic S*xologist?

Someone who can help you understand who you are as a s*xual being. This knowledge can get rid of the layers of shame.
“Soma” means “of the body.” “It’s the body telling the truth, not the idea of what we think might be pleasurable or unpleasurable.” - Ian
We have intellectualized sex too much— everybody is different as erotic beings.

The Erotic Blueprint

The Erotic Blueprint (it’s a free quiz friend) will give you a language to communicate your desires as a s*xual being.
Don’t worry, even if there are questions in the quiz about s*xual experiences you haven’t had, Jaiya teaches us how to connect with and answer them honestly.

“How can I move forward in this s*xual/romantic relationship and stay connected to myself, God, and others? How can I set myself up for success whatever my s*xual ethic may be?” - Kat Harris

The 5 Erotic Blueprints

Energetic— turned on by the anticipation.
Sensual— turned on by all senses being ignited.
S*xual— turned on by penetration.
Kinky— turned on by anything that’s taboo.
Shapeshifter— turned on by all of it!

S*xual Compatibility vs Chemistry/Attraction

If you’re waiting for marriage to have s*x, you don’t have to worry about s*xual incompatbility because you can work at it.

“It’s not incompatibility— it is... are you willing to do what it takes to learn the skills to honor your partner in what it is that turns them on for both of you in the relationship?” - Jaiya

Chemistry— we are biochemically attracted to other people and this can change based on scents the person is wearing or whether a woman is on birth control.

“S*x is natural, but making love is an art.” - Ian

Rapid Fire Questions

What makes good s*x? Presence, listening, willingness, awareness
When is it a good time to start talking about s*x with your significant other? Right away.
How do you approach the conversation? Vulnerability, create safety, stay in a place of non-judgement.
What are some fun foreplay experiences? Brainstorm ideas based on your archetypes! For example, energetics should play with eye gaze and sensuals should do deep penetrating massages or bathe together.

Resources

Take the Erotic Blueprint Quiz here.
S*xless in the City by Kat Harris
Why Him? Why Her? By Helen Fisher
Slow S*x by Diane Richardson
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
She Comes First by Ian Kerner
Girls & S*x by Peggy Orenstein
Boys & S*x by Peggy Orenstein
The Great S*x Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire
Keep up with Jaiya on IG at @missjaiya.
Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from Made In Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

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Dear Diary: Excerpts from my Middle School Journal with Tutti del Monte Nov 10, 2021

Show notes

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Today’s guest is my best friend, Sara del Monte, or “Tutti” if you follow her on Instagram. She was on the podcast years ago talking about how to confront unexpected change where she shared all about her pregnancy. You can listen to that here. Recently, I discovered my middle school journal and I have been going through it and reading it. I was sharing my discovery with Tutti and she had recently found hers as well. We decided it would be fun to do a podcast episode where we read our journals and psychoanalyze each other.

Kat’s Diary // October 13, 1997

“Title: Melrose Hotel

Main characters: Eve Davis, the mysterious woman who is head over heels for Richie Stale. Katherine Harris, a young woman who is trying to make it big in the modeling business.

Plot: Two roommates who are into partying and catching guys at the clubs come night, but at day they’re two women trying to make a career of being hot and sexy models. They’ve got the looks, the hair, the talk, but do they have the moves? Come see On the Hot.”

Let’s unpack that...

Tutti and I talk about how this may or may not have been me prophesying our future life in New York City.

Tutti’s Diary // February 14, 1999

“Yesterday was my volleyball inauguration. There were so many people. It was raining so much and everything was getting wet. But there was a boy there. His name was Antonio… He is so cute and my friend got to be on his team. They’re on the blue team and he’s number 8. I’m on the red team and I’m number 8. What a coincidence. He’s 13 and almost all girls are in love with him, including me. I hope he feels the same for me. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Update: He has a girlfriend. She’s older than him.”

Let’s unpack that….

Life advice: you don’t want to date someone who peaked in high school (or middle school for that matter).
Have you peaked yet? We talk about how we feel transformed in adulthood and more confident and comfortable.
We talk a bit more about Tutti’s pregnancy journey that kind of feels like a peak for so many reasons. I explore the idea that my peak is still coming.

Kat’s Diary // March 13, 1998

“Women are not equal at all to men. We have to put a stop to this. Women and men could have the same exact jobs and men will still get sometimes thousands of dollars more than women just because they’re men. It’s disgusting!! It makes me so angry! When I grow up, I’m going to put a stop to all of this nonsense.”

Let’s unpack that…

This is one of many journal entries where injustice had boiled in me. I always thought I was an enneagram 3 but this is making me realize I may have a bit of enneagram 8 in me.
I was honestly shocked that I wrote that. I didn’t know I was a feminist when I was little. I wonder who it was who taught me about the pay gap.
We talk about how this spark in middle school me has translated to my current work in addressing the hard topics.
Tutti shares how her benchmark of who she is as a person is her childhood self, who was friendly, outspoken, and free.

If you’re interested in another episode like this, let us know in a review on iTunes or in an email to social@therefinedwoman.com.

Resources

Listen to Tutti’s first episode of TRC about her unexpected pregnancy journey here.
Keep up with Tutti on Instagram at @tuttidelmonte.
If you need a boudoir photographer, check out budoirbytutti.com
Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

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This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. I’ve done therapy off and on for years and am such an advocate for therapy. Better Help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist who you can start communicating with in under 48 hours. It’s affordable and accessible with financial aid available. Visit BetterHelp.com/refined for 10% off your first month and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional.

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Friendship Breakups with Andi Andrew Nov 03, 2021

Show notes

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Andi Andrew is the author of She Is Free, Fake or Follower, and her newest book which is coming out October 2021, Friendship–It's Complicated. I am so excited to be talking with her about friendship breakups— something that all of us have been through. There’s tons of guidance and support out there for romantic breakups, but not for friendship breakups (even though they can often feel just as hard!!)

Are friendship breakups harder than romantic breakups?

We long for permanence in our lives.
We never walk into a friendship with the thought in the back of our minds that we could be ghosted or left.
Unmet expectations and needs that we maybe never communicated.

Struggling to hold boundaries with friends

What if they ghost you? What if you ghost them? Is the friendship over?
When do fight for the friendship? When do you let it go?
Has the church encouraged you to adopt a savior complex with your non-Christian friends?

Is reconciliation always the end goal?

If you have a friendship breakup, should your goal always be reconciliation?

“Always reconcile things with God in your own heart.” - Andi Andrew

Sometimes reconciliation means that you just are deciding to be at peace with each other rather than return to the way the friendship was.
Is “some friendships are for a season” a cop out? Only you can know your heart— whether you’re just afraid of taking ownership or having hard conversations or if the friendship really is only meant for a season.

What are you meditating on?

“The biggest thing we’re confronting here are our belief systems. And our belief systems are shaped by our wounding and what we believe about those wounds. Because when we’re wounded, usually that’s when a lie comes in.” - Andi Andrew

“The meditation of our heart is actually where our belief systems come from. So do we meditate on the lies from the wounds or do we meditate on the truth and the healing?” - Andi Andrew

Resources

Want some tips on how to make meaningful friendships as an adult? Check out my video on that topic here.
Keep up with Andi at AndiAndrew.com and on Instagram at @andiandrew.
Check out her podcast, Coffee with Andi, here!
Listen to Andi’s episode of TRC all about dream interpretation here.
Buy Andi’s new book: Friendship— It’s Complicated.
Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Has this ever happened to you… you’re feeling like crap, need to see a doctor, you search and find one that looks good, spend hours trying to book an appointment, only to get there and realize they don’t take your insurance? There’s a solution: download the free Zocdoc app. You can search for local doctors that take your insurance, whether you’re looking for a dentist or psychiatrist. Go to Zocdoc.com/kat and download the Zocdoc app to sign up for free and book a top-rated doctor.

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Ask Kat: Dating While Deconstructing, Botox, Legalism + More... Oct 27, 2021

Show notes

If you follow me on Instagram, you know I do Mentor Mondays where you can ask me anything and I answer on IG stories, but it’s so hard to answer such complex questions in 15-second bursts! So this week, I am tackling some of the questions you sent me on Instagram. I would love to do more of these episodes, so if you want to submit your questions for me to answer in a solo show, email social@therefinedwoman.com with the subject line “Ask Kat.”

Jaclyn: Thoughts on cosmetic surgery? Is it ungodly or me not loving the body God gave me?

You may or may not know that I actually got botox! Listen to the episode I did on it here.
I want to be the type of woman who embraces grey hair and wrinkles, but I am a human being in process. And to be honest, I want to simply look my age.
I am grateful for cosmetic surgery for my friend who lost an eye and had a scarred face. I am grateful for cosmetic surgery for my friend who broke her nose.

“I don’t think most things in and of themselves are ungodly, I think it’s the heart posture with which we approach them.” - Kat Harris

Katie: Guy asked for my IG, then stopped talking to me a few days later. Do I unfollow?

This has happened to me SO many times. And for me, I don’t like sharing my IG because it gives them so much personal information about me, whereas I get so little info about them. I share a story of a guy who recently saw my Instagram and his reaction to it was less than great.
My advice here is: go ahead and unfollow! You don’t need to be following up with some stranger on the internet who is uninterested in making an actual plan with you.

Abi B.: Preparing for engagement/marriage but both deconstructing. Feels like I should have things figured out before.

Deconstruction is TOUGH! I am working through it now, most of it privately. It can make dating complicated, but this scenario is why I am an advocate of looking at the whole person rather than the label of “this person is a Christian.”
You never know how ANY person’s faith journey will turn out, whether they are deconstructing right now or not.
The key is to find someone who has: grace, humility, a growth mindset, trust, and integrity.
Some reflection questions:
- What are you afraid of happening?
- Is this someone you can accept wholeheartedly without an agenda?
- Is this someone you can move through hard seasons with?

“We just don’t know what God is gonna do, we don’t know when God is gonna do it, and we don’t know what choices we are going to make, what choices they are going to make.” - Kat Harris

Nijha M.: 1 Peter 1:13-25 // How to obey this without falling into legalism? What does it look like in dating?

It’s important to consider who this was written for. Context is so important.
Calling to live holy? To live mindfully and intentionally. NOTE: *not perfectly*
Posture of the heart:
- Legalism worships the rules over the relationships.
- Legalism stones the adulter to death, but relationship offers acceptance, love, grace, and dignity.
- How can I love myself well? My future well? God well? And this person well?
- Relationship is being willing to dive into conversation and nuance and grey —legalism says it’s all black and white.

Emery: What do you wish we knew about you that social media doesn't show?

Life is hard. Being human is hard.
I’m private. You get to see about 1% of my life that I choose to let you see.
I’m no expert. I’m just trying to figure things out too. Fear of being a fraud.

Abby: Do you fear changing your mind on a topic, especially given your platform as a teacher? :)

Yes. 1,000%. Change is constant. This was something I thought about a lot during the launch of my book. What if I change my views on sex and marriage?
Am I allowed to be human?

Resources

Listen to my podcast episode about botox here.
Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

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Is It the Holy Spirit or My Trauma? with Kobe Campbell Oct 20, 2021

Show notes

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

For most of my life, I’ve felt like I have this sixth sense where I can read people and atmospheres really well. When I became a Christian, I figured this was the spiritual gift of discernment. Over time it started to feel like an anxiety-inducing curse— walking into a room and feeling everyone else’s emotions felt crippling. It made me wonder was this thing I had a gift...or a curse? Was it the Holy Spirit or my trauma? We have repeat guest and trauma Therapist back on the show this week, Kobe Campbell, to unpack this nuanced conversation. Check out my last conversation with Kobe, When is it time to go to therapy?, here.

“Is this blessing that the church has always praised me for actually my trauma?” - Kat Harris

Practice Scanning: Helpful or Hurtful?

Practice Scanning— a natural defensive mechanism that we learn in our childhood when our safety becomes dependent on the changing moods of those who are meant to protect us.

“Before Moses is a leader, he’s a murderer. The same thing that made him a murderer— his fierce orientation to justice— is the same thing that made him the very person God wanted to use to get his people out of Egypt.” - Kobe Campbell

Practice scanning can also help you identify when someone is uncomfortable and in need of help.

“In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve.” - Brennan Manning

Exploiting Gifts: What’s the solution?

My discernment was embraced by the church, but it was never acknowledged that it was a gift that could have come from a place of pain.

“I wish that women would be given the opportunity to fail as often as men can in the church.” - Kobe Campbell

“I have to be willing to be confronted by my own questions.” - Kat Harris

“In this process, what do you feel like God is trying to reveal to you?” - Kobe Campbell

Resources

Keep up with Kobe Campbell at healingcircletherapy.org or on IG at @kobecampbell_ and @healingcircletherapy.
Check out Kobe’s episode of TRC “When Is It Time To Go To Therapy?” here.
Check out Kobe’s videos on Patreon where we do a deep dive on mental health and therapy here.
Listen to Kobe’s podcast she hosts with her husband Kyle, The Healing Circle Podcast.
Listen to this TRC episode about attachment styles with my friend Amanda Blair here.
Check out the video by Thais Gibson on fearful avoidance here.
Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Eyes of Tammy Faye with Jonathan Merritt Oct 13, 2021

Show notes

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

I recently saw the movie The Eyes of Tammy Faye and quickly went down a rabbit hole of all things surrounding the infamous televangelist Tammy Faye Bakker. I knew I wanted to talk about this (and I did on Patreon, which you can watch here), but I also knew I wanted to explore this topic on the podcast with my buddy Jonathan Merritt. He wrote an incredible article on Tammy Faye for The Atlantic. He is one of America’s most popular writers on issues of faith and culture and is the author of Learning to Speak God from Scratch.

Tammy Faye 101: Who is she + why should we care?

Pre-1960s, there wasn’t really any religious TV with entertainment value.
Post-1960s, liberalism was on the rise and conservative evangelical Christians didn’t like that so they began to use TV as a way to get their message out.
Tammy Faye Bakker and Jim Bakker worked for PTL, Praise The Lord.
The downfall: Jim Bakker had an affair with a young church secretary. Then it came out that Jim was bisexual. The ministry also had a lot of shady dealings when it came to money. He served 5 of 45 sentenced years in prison.
Tammy Faye eventually divorced him and married a real estate developer. She became one of the most hated figures in mainstream media, but was a gay icon.

“Why is she being punished for the sins of her husband?” - Kat Harris

Where did we go wrong + how do we be better?

Women paying for the sins of men is not a new idea and was certainly not unique to Tammy Faye or that era.
This trend goes all the way back to Genesis 38 with Tamar.
People have been hurt by religion… so they typically outsource that hurt to whoever is in the spotlight. It’s valid, but misapplied.
We project feelings like “you should never disappoint me” onto religious people in the spotlight, and once they do disappoint you it feels like betrayal.
Tammy Faye died of cancer and the day before she did, she forgave everyone.

“The gay community, and now Hollywood, is doing the job that the church never did.” - Jay Bakker

Resources

Keep up with Jonathan Merritt at jonathanmerritt.com, on IG at @jonathan_merritt, Twitter at @JonathanMerritt, or Facebook at @JonathanMerrittWriter.
Read Jonathan’s article in The Atlantic: The Redemption of a Televangelist
Read Jonathan’s book, Learning to Speak God from Scratch.
Check out my Patreon video for more of my thoughts on Tammy Faye here.
Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Lessons From My Therapist with Kat Harris Oct 06, 2021

Show notes

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” - Philippians 4: 6 (NIV)

If you are a regular listener, you know that I have struggled with anxiety a lot over the years. I even did a whole Mental Health May series this past year (which you can check out here). Well my anxiety has reared its head again this fall. I can sometimes resent how it takes me away from the moment at hand. My invitation to myself + to you is: What if I/you/we could learn to not resent the discomfort but lean in and trust that my body is resilient. Like Glennon Doyle says, “I can do hard things,” and I can feel uncomfortable things, pain, grief, nervousness, or anxiety and still feel safe and at home in my body.

Lessons From My Therapist

You may have heard this verse before: Philippians 4: 6 (NIV)

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”

In the King James Version, it says “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.”
Greek “careful”: to be distracted to the point of separation
What my therapist explained to me was that anxiety separates you from yourself—because it removes me from the present and gets me to obsess about the future. Out of body. Besides yourself.
The goal is to get back into yourself, back in your body.
Like with the addict: the moment to focus on isn’t necessarily the relapse, but the runway that led them there. The 10 steps before that you took that led you down a path towards anxiety.
FOR ME: not eating, well, caffeine, alone time, time with Jesus, moving my body—my body is already on high alert b/c some family stuff going on—so things that normally wouldn’t trigger me are activating anxiety—so I need to be extra kind and caring of myself.

Be careful for nothing, BUT

“But” is where the answer/help comes in. It’s an invitation to try something else. Try these 4 things:

Prayer:

In anxiety we’re separate from ourselves, God, and others. Prayer reconnects you with God and it INTERRUPTS your disconnection to self. Reminds me I’m not alone and it’s not all up to me.
This is an ACTIVE way to take your thoughts captive: 2 Cor. 10:15
The invitation of Jesus isn’t to BUCK UP + GET OVER IT: it’s to let go of the back breaking load: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30.
The invitation of God isn’t to DO more or less of anything. isn’t to just NOT do something—whatever it is: anxiety, lie, gossip—no the invitation is to BE.

“Be still + know that I AM God.” - Psalm 46:10

Supplication:

Emergent prayer / emergency prayer.
AA 12 steps (very familiar to Phil 4:6)
- We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable.
- - Don’t do ‘x’, BUT PRAY
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore our sanity
- - + SUPPLICATE: GOD HELP ME
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

Thanksgiving:

GK: Thanking god for things in the past + things yet to come
Fear focuses on the worst case scenario. Gratitude focuses on the reality that with God anything is possible.
Gratitude reorients my heart from focusing on doom to possibility.
Gratitude reminds me that God has shown up for me before + God will do it again.
HABAKKUK 3:2

Lord, I have heard of your fame;

I stand in awe of your deeds, Lord.

Repeat them in our day,

in our time make them known;

in wrath remember mercy.

In fear, in dread, in anxiety, in hopelessness, remember hope. Remember possibility. Remember what God did in the past and thank him for it THEN ASK HIM TO DO IT AGAIN.

Requests:

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
Emphasis on requests: a polite demand for something due to you—like when you get a reminder to pay your credit card bill. Like they ask you nicely = remind you when it’s due. But it’s not really a request; it’s a polite demand. You have to pay the bill.
Dear God, HELP. Thank you for helping me in the past + I thank you in advance because I know you’re going to help me again. That’s who you are. Now please give me peace in my body.
Then the verse that follows this 4-step formula is this: “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
“Peace” here in the GREEK: to make one; whole, to be put back together.

BE CAREFUL FOR NOTHING.

PRAY.

ASK.

THANK.

POLITELY DEMAND.

PEACE—then you’ll go from separation back to connection—self, god + others.

I don’t know about you, but this feels like really beautiful news to me.

When I’m in a moment of fear and disconnection: pause. Invite god into the moment. Ask for help. Thank for the past and future. Politely demand! PEACE. Peace is your portion. Peace is your legacy. Even right now, I speak peace over your body, mind, soul, spirit.

Resources

Listen to Mental Health May ep. 1: When Is It Time to Go to Therapy? with Kobe Campbell
Listen to Mental Health May ep. 2: Identifying Anxiety Triggers with Kat Harris
Listen to Mental Health May ep. 3: The Science of Anxiety + How to Stabilize Once You're Triggered with Kat Harris
Listen to Mental Health May ep. 4: Are You Really OK? A Mental Health Check Up with Debra Fileta
Listen to Mental Health May ep. 5: Learning to Listen: A Guided Meditation with Kat Harris
Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

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He Said/She Said: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? with Manwell Reyes Sep 29, 2021

Show notes

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Is it true that ‘once a cheater, always a cheater?’

How does our faith collide with infidelity?

Is cheating an unforgivable sin?

I am doing a 3-part podcast series with Manwell Reyes called He Said/She Said where we dive into some deep topics and approach them from our different perspectives. In the first episode, we talked about double standards (you can listen to that here), and in the second episode, we tackled “Can you really have it all in a relationship?” (You can listen to that here.) This week, we’re talking about cheating.

“Whether we like it or not, philandering is here to stay. And all the ink spilled advising us on how to “affair-proof” our relationships has not managed to curb the number of men and women who wander. Infidelity happens in good marriages, in bad marriages, and even when adultery is punishable by death. It happens in open relationships where extramarital sex is carefully negotiated before-hand. And the freedom to leave or divorce has not made cheating obsolete.” - Esther Perel, State of Affairs

The Poll Results

Have you ever cheated? 90% said no
Have you been cheated on? 61% said no
Would you break up with someone immediately if you were cheated on? 67% said yes
Do you think cheating is an unforgivable sin? 47% said yes

How Do You Define Cheating?

Manwell defines cheating as going outside of a committed context without permission. If you’re married and agree to try something out, that’s different.
In his definition, it doesn’t just have to be sexual intimacy that qualifies. Anything outside of the boundaries you have set for the relationship done in secrecy counts as cheating.

“Once one person is in the dark, then it becomes cheating.” - Manwell Reyes

Esther Perel defines cheating as a cocktail of secrecy, sexual alchemy/deceit, and emotional involvement. (It might not always be all three of these things at once, but a cocktail of the three.)

“The beautiful thing is to see something that you want and say no because you care about something else more.” - Manwell Reyes

Is Cheating Unforgivable?

Manwell says no. After being married for years, he recognizes that if he wasn’t giving his wife the love and attention she needed, he wouldn’t be surprised if she sought it elsewhere.
“What part do I play in this?” - Manwell Reyes
I say no also. I share some personal stories on the podcast where I have had some close calls as ‘the other woman.’

“You don’t know you’re in the moment until you realize you’re in the moment and you’re like ‘oh crap, get me out of here.’” -Kat Harris

Resources

Listen to the first part in this series about double standards here.
Listen to the second part in this series about Netflix’s Sex/Life and relationship expectations here.
Hear more of my thoughts on cheating here.
Buy Esther Perel’s book State of Affairs here.
Check out Manwell’s podcast, Nights at the Round Table.
Listen to the Nights at the Round Table hosts on TRC talking about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex.
Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

He Said/She Said: Sex/Life with Manwell Reyes Sep 22, 2021

Show notes

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

I am doing a 3-part podcast series with Manwell Reyes called He Said/She Said where we dive into some deep topics and approach them from our different perspectives. Last week we spoke about double standards (you can listen to that here). This week, we’re talking about the Netflix show Sex/Life, tackling questions like can you have it all? And does size matter? Warning: There will be spoilers ahead and of course discussions that you may want to save for when you have headphones available to you.

Let’s Talk About Sex (Drive)

The woman in the show says everything in her life is 85% perfect and the 15% that’s missing is the exciting sex life she had in a previous relationship when she was younger and living in NYC. She is now married to a man she loves and has beautiful children, but she keeps thinking about that 15%.

“You give up a lot on the way to success.” - Manwell Reyes

“Responsibility is the number one killer of libido.” - Kat Harris

We’re constantly taught that men are always thinking about sex, but in reality everybody has a different sex drive.
Manwell opens up about his own experience with dropping testosterone and sex drive.

We talk about: Does Size Matter + Can You Have It All?

“I wonder if we’ve bought into this lie of wanting the 100% 100% of the time. I basically want a person who is the merging of 10 different people.” - Kat Harris

The standards we’ve set are too high for any one person to meet.

“You’re not 100% of everything they want.” - Manwell Reyes

We talk about the idea of having multiple partners.

“To this day, even though we overdo it with the romanticism, it all comes down to a contract of ‘What am I willing to be okay with because we both know we’re imperfect people. Is what you bring to the table worth it for me to give up on the things I want or say that I want?’” - Manwell Reyes

Resources

Listen to the first part in this series about double standards here.
Hear more of my thoughts on Sex/Life here.
Check out Manwell’s podcast, Nights at the Round Table.
Listen to the Nights at the Round Table hosts on TRC talking about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex.
Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

He Said/She Said: Double Standards with Manwell Reyes Sep 15, 2021

Show notes

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Manwell Reyes is no stranger to The Refined Collective. He was on the podcast earlier this year (along with the other hosts of the Nights at the Round Table Podcast) and we talked about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex. I am so happy to have him back for a 3-part series this fall. Our first conversation is all about double standards. We got pretty heated in this episode and I externally processed a lot of stuff in this episode and it feels really vulnerable to share!

What can girls get away with that guys can’t?

Women can have physical touch with each other in a way that most men can’t.
Manwell and I talk about our different experiences with nudity in the locker rooms at our respective gyms.
Manwell shares how straight men have an internalized fear of being seen as gay because of stigmas in society. “In the grand scheme of things, showing each other affection… I don’t think that’s bad or wrong. It’s just the way we were raised: men don’t do that.” - Manwell Reyes
Girls can be in touch with their emotions without facing judgement. I open up about my own double standard in this area.
Manwell shares how he feels masculine despite being in touch with his feelings, sewing, baking, cooking, and liking shopping.
Finances: not paying for dates and expecting men to be the financial providers.

“I don’t know if it’s a right or wrong thing, I think it’s just more so right or wrong for who is in the relationship.” - Manwell Reyes

“Assumption is the beginning of all breakdowns.” - Kat Harris

“Women are allowed to be master manipulators and it’s not questioned.” - Kat Harris

What can guys get away with that girls can’t?

Men are allowed to not care about how they dress.
Men can date someone out of an expected age range with no judgement.
Men are allowed to age and women aren’t. (Actresses have to look young forever and actors get to age and keep the same roles.)

Obviously there’s way more that man can get away with than women, but we ran out of time!

Next week, Manwell and I will be talking about the Netflix original show “Sex Life” and the idea of… can you have it all? Make sure you’re subscribed so the episode downloads straight to your phone when it’s released!

Resources

Check out Manwell’s podcast, Nights at the Round Table.
Listen to the Nights at the Round Table hosts on TRC talking about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex.
Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Thank you SO much to the Patreon community for supporting this podcast and being on the journey with me. A special shoutout to our newest supporters Jason, Sorge, Rachel, Cassidy, Jeanna, Brenda, Danica, Lexi, Jennifer, Amanda, Jordan, Kaitlyn, Colleen, Rachel, Stephanie, Diana, Grace, Kelsey, Lily, Kasey, Graham, Brittany, Abi, Adam, Joshua, Eric, Kara, Suzanna, Tesa, Anna, Grace, Melanie, James, Amanda, and Kelly. If you want to join the growing Patreon community (and get access to exclusive content too) go to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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