The Place We Find Ourselves

Latest Episodes:

164 Engaging Your Cultural/Collective Story Nov 18, 2024

Show notes

The fundamental premise of story work is that your past story is affecting your present life. This is just as true for your collective story as it is for your individual story. Your present day to day life is deeply affected by the past story of the collective to which you belong. The story of America bears great glory and great sin, just like the story of Mexico, Poland, and Thailand. Every culture contains deep goodness and every culture contains deep sin. Part of the story of America includes destroying the original dwellers of this land, and then exploiting black laborers so that white people could build wealth. If you live in America, these aspects of our collective story have profound effects on present day to day life.

163 Implicit Memory: What It Is and Why It Matters Oct 28, 2024

Show notes

Memory is the way in which a past experience affects how the mind will function in the present. There are two layers of memory: explicit and implicit. There are two key attributes of implicit memory that are critical to understand. First, implicit memories are created whether you are paying attention or not. In other words, when you were a child, you recorded tons of information about your environment without trying to. It just happened. Because that's how the brain works. Second, when you recall something that is stored in implicit memory, you do not have the sensation of recall. You don't have that sense in your body of "I'm thinking back in time and remembering something." When we leave home and set out into the world, we carry within us a storehouse of implicit memories. And those implicit memories tell us what to expect around every bend.

162 Triangulation: What It Is and Why It Matters Oct 14, 2024

Show notes

Triangulation occurs when a parent requires a child to function as an emotional adult by meeting the parent's adult needs and wants. Were you required to give, give, give to your parent, or was your parent continually giving, giving, giving emotionally to you? In a healthy parent-child relationship, there is plenty of connection—but the parent never imposes their emotional needs on the child. Triangulation results in two deadly dynamics. First, your goodness is consumed by one parent. Second, as a result of being consumed by one parent, you are setup to be envied by the other parent. When triangulation is present in a family, it is common (though not inevitable) for the triangulated relationship to become sexualized. By sexualized, I mean that there is erotic energy between Mom and the chosen son or Dad and the chosen daughter.

161 Exploring Your Sexual Story With Curiosity and Kindness Sep 30, 2024

Show notes

Sexuality is an emotionally charged topic. Period. But when you are talking about sexuality for people with a history of trauma, you are stepping into terrain where angels fear to tread. However, if God intends for you to experience overflowing sexual pleasure and lavish sexual freedom, then exploring your sexual story is more than worth it. Human beings are aroused by particular things in the present because of our experiences of being aroused in the past. Your past story can help you understand why you are turned on by the things that turn you on. Your sexual preferences and sexual fantasies are not random. There is a connection between your painful experiences growing up and your present sexual struggles. Sexual harm in the past becomes reenacted in the present. This is because you have neurons... and that's how neurons operate.

160 The Weight of Religious and Spiritual Expectations with Reid Zeller Jul 29, 2024

Show notes

I am joined today by therapist and friend Reid Zeller who shares a story about egging cars when he was 16. Behind every story is a backstory. The backstory includes the nature of the environment we grew up in. When religious or spiritual expectations are placed on the shoulders of a child, pressure builds within that child. And when that pressure inevitably leads to a bursting, what results is always a mixture of dignity and depravity. Both. If the podcast has been helpful to you, please consider supporting it financially.

159 Revisiting the Big Six: What You Needed from Your Parents Jul 15, 2024

Show notes

When you were a child, you were deeply dependent on your primary caretakers. This means that the development of your brain was contingent upon the level of care and kindness in your family environment. Today I identify the six things you needed from your parents, and give examples of each. The "Big Six" things you needed from your parents include (1) attunement, (2) responsiveness, (3) engagement, (4) ability to regulate your affect, (5) ability to handle your big emotions and (6) willingness to repair harm. To download a free document that explains the Big Six, click here.

158 The Critical Relationship Between Attachment and Affect Regulation Jul 01, 2024

Show notes

If you have difficulty regulating your emotion, there is a reason for that! No one comes out of the womb with the ability to regulate their affect. The way you develop the neurobiological structures to regulate your own emotions is by having your affect interactively regulated by another. This is the main gift that a primary caregiver gives to a child. Another name for this gift is "secure attachment." The essence of secure attachment in adulthood is that you have the ability to both self-regulate and reach for help (that is, receive regulation from another). If the podcast has been helpful to you, please consider supporting it financially by clicking here.

157 What If My Story Isn't That Bad? Why We All Tend to Minimize Our Wounds Jun 17, 2024

Show notes

This episode is for people who experience emotional pain but feel like "nothing that bad happened to me growing up. I had a pretty good childhood." As it says in Jeremiah 6, it is very common to dress our wounds as though they are not serious. One way we tend to minimize our wounds is by comparing our story to someone else who "had it worse." Another way we minimize our wounds is by spiritualizing away the harmful experiences we endured with sentences like, "God used that terrible experience to shape my character." What is keeping you from having compassion for the harm you experienced as a boy or a girl? If the podcast has been helpful to you, please consider supporting it financially here.

156 Five Objections to Engaging Your Story: A Response Jun 03, 2024

Show notes

When I began exploring my story, five objections kept coming up for me. These objections kept me stuck. In today's episode, I respond to each of the five objections. Objection 1: I should focus on the present and the future, not "dwell on the past." Objection 2: Looking at my story is self-indulgent, introspective navel gazing; I should be focused on God and others rather than focused on myself. Objection 3: Who am I to judge my parents? Jesus says "do not judge." Besides, I don't want to blame my parents. Objection 4: There's no point in looking at how my parents hurt me because they did the best they could. Objection 5: I can't change what's already happened, so what's the point of looking at the past?

155 Why Engaging Your Story Heals Your Brain May 20, 2024

Show notes

My invitation to you today is simple: to take your story seriously. Engaging your story is the single most important thing you can do to experience healing. When I say "your story," I'm talking more about the individual scenes than the overarching narrative of your life. Your stories—particularly your stories of heartache or harm—have shaped your brain more than anything else. Which means that your past stories are shaping your present life more than you may realize. To support the podcast financially, click here.

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