The Babylon Bee

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The Suicide Of Thought Jul 03, 2020

Show notes

This is the Babylon Bee weekly news podcast special episode for 7/3/2020.

This episode is brought to you by Faithful Counseling. Bee listeners get 10% off!

In this episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle talk about the week's big stories like a man being fined £450 for provocative intestinal wind, the fallen world we live in where The Princess Bride is possibly being remade, and how doctors are recommending we keep opening up and closing the economy until we all go insane. In the main topic, they read G.K. Chesterton's ideas on the suicide of thought.

In the subscriber portion, Kyle and Ethan dive in into the mail bag, talk about their years in ministry, and bring in producer Dan so that they all can answer the ten questions.

Show Outline

Introduction

Kyle and Ethan return from the warm, sunny beaches of Florida to churn out another podcast. We have an update on the 'Best of the Bee' book.

Weird News

Broody mother goose has taken 47 babies under her wing - and they're so cute
- "This phenomenon is known as a gang brood"
Man falls through floor of home, plunges down 30-foot well
Pair hired for man's broom sexual fantasy turn up in bedroom at wrong address with machetes
In fart news: Man fined £450 for 'provocative' fart in front of police officers
Newton's recipe for 'toad vomit lozenges' up for auction

Stuff That's Good

Kyle likes Dead Cells the video game.

Ethan likes WACO on Netflix.

Stories of the Week

Story 1

Equality At Last: Disney Confirms Winnie The Pooh Will Now Be Voiced By An Actual Bear

Summary: In order to ensure that voice actors only portray characters they actually look like, Disney announced this week that Winnie the Pooh will now be voiced by an actual bear.

The real story: Several voice actors have stopped voicing characters that are not the same race they are. The Simpsons, Big Mouth, American Dad, Cleveland Show.

Story 2

Doctors Recommend Locking Down And Reopening Repeatedly Until Everyone Has Nervous Breakdown

Summary: A survey of leading physicians unanimously agreed that the best response to COVID-19 is for the government to lock everything down, then reopen, then lock down again, then reopen again and to just keep doing that until everyone completely loses their minds.

Story 3

Merciful God Vows To End Humanity Before 'The Princess Bride' Can Be Remade

Summary: Upon rumors of a remake of The Princess Bride, a spokesperson for the Almighty God confirmed that He will end the world in fire before He would ever allow that to happen.

Topic of the Week

Kyle and Ethan read a portion of G.K. Chesterton's Orthodoxy on the suicide of thought and discuss its relevance in our times of constant revolutionary agitation.

Hate Mail

Someone went to home depot and bought a whole bunch of flowerbeds.

Subscriber Portion

Kyle and Ethan dive into the mail bag, talk about their years in ministry, and have producer Dan join them to answer the ten questions. Subscribers, get to know the Bee boys.

Growing Up Hinn: The Costi Hinn Interview Jun 30, 2020

Show notes

Editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle talk to Costi Hinn, nephew of notorious faith healer Benny Hinn. After leaving that ministry behind, Costi Hinn is now a pastor at Redeemer Bible Church in Gilbert, Arizona. He is the author of God, Greed, and the (Prosperity) Gospel. They talk about Costi's childhood living large like a Kardashian, learning about a different gospel from a pink study bible, and what goes on behind the scenes of a prominent prosperity gospel ministry.

Topics Discussed

Going straight into the deep end of Calvinism because of a pink MacArthur study bible
A day in the life of Benny Hinn- what's it like to have a personal duster?
On growing up as a Hinn was a Kardashian lifestyle
The prosperity gospel vs the Biblical gospel
On batting 0.068 slaying people in the spirit and only "healing" one guy
What went on behind the scenes at these healing events?
Not raising a hand against the Lord's Anointed, even if they happen to be creeps just claiming to have the anointing
On whether prosperity health-and-wealth healers sincerely believe their own message or if they just cashing in
On Benny Hinn's occasional "repentance" on the prosperity gospel
New wave prosperity preachers and the old generals
The Ten Questions

A few Babylon Bee articles on Benny Hinn:

Benny Hinn Holds Healing Service In Full Hazmat Suit

Benny Hinn Loses Control Of Powers, Sends Audience Member Soaring Hundreds Of Feet Into Air

Benny Hinn Spends Another Long Day At Children's Hospital Healing Kids

Benny Hinn Attempts Jedi Mind Trick On IRS Agents Investigating His Ministry

Benny Hinn Miraculously Removes Lump From Woman's Purse

Benny Hinn Added To 'Smash Bros.' Roster

Benny Hinn Masterfully Knocks Down Audience Members Arranged In Notoriously Difficult 7–10 Split

I Honestly Can Not Believe I'm Still Getting Away With This

To watch or listen to the full length podcast, become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

Cops, Kanye, And Candace With Kira Davis Jun 26, 2020

Show notes

In this episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle welcome guest host Kira Davis who is editor-at-large at RedState. They talk about the difference between protesting and rioting, some problems Kira sees with the approach of Candace Owens, and how we need to have a reality show where everyone gets stuck in an elevator with someone they hate until we achieve world peace.

In the subscriber portion, Kyle, Ethan, and Kira talk about Black Lives Matter (as an organization and as a movement), where peace is found in this world, how Kanye is buying up Wyoming, serial killers, sending kids off to college, and that Trump photo-op with the Bible.

Kira can be regularly heard on her podcast Just Listen To Yourself.

Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Get a Sneak Peak!

Send your emails to podcast@babylonbee.com and maybe we will answer you in our next Mailbag segment!

Show Outline

Introduction

Kyle, Ethan, and Kira talk about the weird "pacman" masks that allow the coronavirus conscious person to eat out at their favorite restaurant and how Kyle has never seen a Tarantino movie.

Main Topics

Kira Davis has some disagreements with Candace Owens.
Kira Davis responds to Ethan's 13 year old daughter on issues of social justice, race, and protests.

Paid-subscriber portion

Black Lives Matter
Trump Photo Op

Also mentioned on the podcast: Just Listen To Yourself With Kira Davis- Episode 37- Black Lives Matter

To watch or listen to the full length podcast, become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

Civil War, Socialism, And The Simpsons: The Dinesh D'Souza Interview Jun 23, 2020

Show notes

Kyle and Ethan talk to Dinesh D'Souza. He has been called a far right provocateur and is a filmmaker and the author of several books, most recently United States of Socialism. They talk about socialism, identity politics, and whether or not it's okay to laugh at Apu.

Watch or listen to this episode on our podcast page, where subscribers can find full length episodes, or over on our YouTube channel. Subscribe using your favorite podcast platform here.

Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Get a Sneak Peak!

Topics Discussed

Dinesh gives a rundown on the new socialists
What's the difference between identity socialism and classic socialism?
Socialists abandoning the working class
The decline of Christianity in the culture and the rise of a new religion in the Left
Virtue signalling versus actual virtue
Debating libs vs debating atheists
Dinesh's new book and what it's all about
Is it okay to laugh at Apu?
Defending morphing Abraham Lincoln's face into Donald Trump's
Dating Ann Coulter

Paid-subscriber portion

The Ten Questions

To watch or listen to the full length podcast, become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

Flashlights And Duct Tape With Brent Mann Jun 19, 2020

Show notes

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan celebrate the one year anniversary of the show and welcome Kyle's dad, Brent, for Father's Day. They talk shop about duct tape, flashlights, initialisms, rocket science, and dad hacks. They also dive into the week's news stories. Kyle and Ethan enlighten Brent on what CHAZ or CHOP is, and then discuss Elon Musk's quest to occupy Mars, and an aerospace engineer's perspective on seeing God in creation.

Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Get a Sneak Peak!

Send your emails to podcast@babylonbee.com and maybe we will answer you in our next Mailbag segment!

Show Outline

Introduction

Today on The Babylon Bee Podcast, we welcome Brent Mann, Kyle's dad. It's Father's Day and we celebrate the Babylon Bee Podcast's one year anniversary!

Stuff That's Good

Kyle likes Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Ethan likes Rifftrax.

Brent likes Columbo. Remember Columbo?

Weird News

Story 1

Trump Enacts Tariffs, Travel Ban On CHAZ

Summary: Trump has announced a new set of tariffs and a travel ban on CHAZ, escalating the trade war between the United States and the fledgling nation-state.

The real story: An "autonomous zone" or Occupy Protest and sprung up in Seattle complete with warlords, speech codes, segregated gardens, calls for foreign aid from its capitalist neighbors, and brutal community policing tactics.

Story 2

Study: Average Father Spends 97% Of Time Running Around House Turning Lights Off

Summary: A new study of fatherhood in America found that the average dad spends up to 97% of his time running around the house turning off lights that the rest of the family left on.

The real story: Kyle's dad has an ingenious solution to teach your kids to not leave the lights on.

Topic of the Week

It's Father's Day! Kyle, Ethan, and aerospace engineer Brent (Kyle's Dad) talk about all sorts of stuff like dad jokes, initialisms and acronyms, Brent's work on the Space Shuttle program, Elon Musk's amazing space feats, and a few of Brent's fatherly quirks like how he carries a really old cell phone in a ziplock bag.

Hate Mail

A recent article made some very overworked and stressed booksellers very angry.

Subscriber Portion

Ethan and Brent talk bladder blabber when Kyle leaves the room, and then they continue going through Brent's box of stuff he brought in, and finish by talking about more dad hacks and stories, including the time when Brent acted out a scene from The Bourne Identity to chase down a bicycle thief.

Also mentioned on the podcast: Fingerprint of God: Recent Scientific Discoveries Reveal the Unmistakable Identity of the Creator by Hugh Ross

To watch or listen to the full length podcast, become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

Fly Fornication And Other Puritan Names: The Dustin Benge & Nate Pickowicz Interview Jun 16, 2020

Show notes

Things get downright puritanical when Kyle and Ethan talk to Nate Pickowicz and Dustin Benge about their new book The American Puritans. Dustin is Provost and lecturer and Union School of Theology and Nate is pastor of Harvest Bible Church. Dustin and Nate talk about the inspiration that they draw today from the lives of these men and women and their religious movement in church history while Kyle and Ethan try to figure out why someone would name their kid 'If-Christ-had-not-died-for-thee-thou-hadst-been-damned' and whether it's true that Puritans invented tablecloths to cover up scandalous table legs.

Topics Discussed

The difference between Puritans and Pilgrims
Puritan theology: Are sinners in the hands of an angry God?
Myth or fact: Puritan edition
Puritans' favorite alcoholic beverage
Some church history of the Puritans in England and in America
Strange Puritan names like 'Praise-God' and 'Fly Fornication'
People walking stark naked through church and cutting off Quaker ears
Some of the Puritans highlighted in their new book The American Puritans
Kyle and Ethan provoke some baptist answers to The Ten Questions in the Subscriber Portion!

To watch or listen to the full length podcast, become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

Not All Cops Jun 12, 2020

Show notes

In this episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle talk about the biggest stories of the week like how religious gathers and pretending to be protests so they can meet, our recent feud over putting Trump in an AWANA vest, and how all of a sudden defunding the police became a national talking point. Detective Dan from Small Town Dicks joins Kyle and Ethan to talk all about it.

In the subscriber portion, subscribers get to listen to Kyle and Ethan continue their conversation with Detective Dan!

Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Get a Sneak Peak!

Send your emails to podcast@babylonbee.com and maybe we will answer you in our next Mailbag segment!

Show Outline

Introduction

Kyle's dad burns podcasts onto CDs and Ethan diagnoses depression in dads stemming from how children handle blu ray discs.

Stuff That's Good

Kyle likes O.C. Supertones album For the Glory

Ethan likes Mac Smith's Scurry.

This News Is Weird

Man charged with assault after thrown pickle hits Vermont highway worker

Peruvian mayor poses as corpse to avoid arrest for flouting coronavirus lockdown, reports say

Ocean Just as Gross as You Thought: Filled with Mucus

Doctors remove mobile phone charger from man's bladde

Crayola launches skin tone crayons so 'all kids can colour themselves

Seagull flies into woman's house and vomits on her kitchen counter

Stories of the Week

Story 1

Clever Churchgoers Avoid Arrest By Disguising Themselves As Rioters Summary: Many churches still aren't gathering in person but several congregations came up with a clever way to avoid arrest for gathering against government orders: disguising themselves as rioters.

The real story: Governments seemed to be going hard after churches and other things deemed non-essential, but anything related to protesting was fine.

Originally a satire of how apparently COVID wasn't a concern for anything related to the protest.
A thousand medical experts signed an open letter supporting public gathering for protests stating that "white supremacy contributes to COVID and is a lethal public health issue"
Churches were/are still fighting to open and trying to comply with lots of extra rules they needed to follow such as limited capacity, masks, no physical contact, some were saying no communion elements, no singing.
A prophecy fulfilled. A group of Hasidic youth in NYC put up a George Floyd sign so that they could not be shut down by the cops for their religious gathering.

Story 2

Trump Shows Off Completed Awana Vest

Summary: President Trump and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi are firing Bible photo ops back and forth, as you would expect politicians to be doing at a time like this. But Trump won the contest of Bible knowledge by showing off his completed Awana Sparks vest.

The real story: Trump decided to walk across the street from the White House to the Episcopalian church St. John's ("The church of the Presidents") which rioters had set on fire the night before. He did this as a show of resolve against the lawlessness which would lead to the burning of churches. He drew criticism for supposedly using police to drive away protestors with "teargas" for the photo op and for the way he stood in front of the church and held up the Bible like it was a political prop.

We decided to poke fun of the pandering-ness and the Bible being used as a prop by Trump and then Pelosi and then Cuomo all suddenly being experts on the Bible in all these weird public events quoting verses and making the Bible agree with their side
We put an AWANA vest on Trump, which prompted an email from AWANA communications chief asking us to immediately pull it down as it was "beyond satire" and how they didn't want their vest to be on Donald Trump. They threatened to sue us if we didn't comply.
Seth put AWANA on blast on Twitter
We learned Monday that they would NOT be pursuing a lawsuit
Kyle's Awana stories!
Ethan just hated Awana

Story 3

Los Angeles Police To Undergo Intensive Socially Conscious Slam Poetry Training

Summary: As public demand for comprehensive police reform grows, the LAPD is leading the way by training its officers in socially conscious slam poetry.

The Real Story: BLM protests are demanding #DefundThePolice… the details are vague but it sounds like they want to get rid of the police altogether in some instances.

Marriane Williamson has a great tweet about the ex-cops starting ISIS.
Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey was publicly mocked and shamed at a protest when he refused to say he would abolish the police..
- Here is his walk of shame. "Go Home Jacob!" "Shame! Shame!"
- The Minneapolis city council just voted 9-3 vowing to DISBAND their city police department and council president Lisa Bender told crowds that these 9 members were "committed to ending the city's relationship with the police force and "to end policing as we know it and recreate systems that actually keep us safe."
  - Has this been done anywhere before? Camden, NJ
  - " the city's police department was disbanded and replaced with a new one covering Camden County that had more officers, but on lower pay, according to a City Lab report."
A CNN anchor, Aislyn Camerota asked city council President Lisa Bender "who do I call when someone breaks into my house?" and she said that that question comes from a place of privilege
She later went on Chris Cuomo's Prime time and said a "police free future" is "the goal."
We also did a CFA joke, but Ethan hates them.

Topic of the Week

Detective Dan of Small Town Dicks joins Kyle and Ethan to talk about all the police issues facing the nation. Dan was formerly a K9 handler and Violent Crimes detective at the same Small Town police department as his twin brother Dave, who also hosts the podcast with Yeardlley Smith of the Simpsons. Dan regards his years as a K9 handler to be the most rewarding of his career. He is now retired. They discuss misconceptions about the police and discuss changes we need to make to serve and protect everyone.

Hate Mail

We get an email filled with flowerbeds.

Paid-subscriber portion

Kyle and Ethan continue their conversation with Detective Dan.

To watch or listen to the full length podcast, become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

Liberty For Lil' Ones: The Connor Boyack Interview Jun 09, 2020

Show notes

Kyle and Ethan talk to Connor Boyack! Connor Boyack is president and founder of the Libertas Institute. He is best known for writing the Tuttle Twins series of books, which focus on introducing kids to the ideas of liberty and the free market. Kyle and Ethan talk about weed-smoking Mormons, how many wives a man can have in an anarchist utopia, and pouring libertarian fertilizer on the saplings rather than trying to save the old, diseased statist trees.

Topics Discussed

What are the Tuttle Twins series of books about
What is Libertarianism all about and what on earth is the deal with the Libertarian Party
Does a libertarian Mormon smoke weed?
Indoctrinating children with foreign ideas like "liberty" and introducing them to books by dead white guys
Isn't it a bad idea to teach children about liberty since as parents we want to tell them what to do?
How many wives would each man be allowed to have in a libertarian utopia?
The polygamy case, where children were taken from their parents, that Connor worked on
The ten questions!

To watch or listen to the full length podcast, become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

The Cheesecake Of Justice Jun 05, 2020

Show notes

In this episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle talk about the biggest stories of the week like our cities burning down, the most righteous heroes of the riots, SpaceX scrubbing a launch because of a nosy Karen, and all our politicians suddenly became Bible experts overnight. Be sure to stick around for the main topic where two white guys decide to talk about critical race theory in the church and society, because why not?

In the subscriber portion, subscribers get to listen to Kyle and Ethan dive headfirst into the mailbag and talk about even more stories!

Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Get a Sneak Peak!

Send your emails to podcast@babylonbee.com and maybe we will answer you in our next Mailbag segment!

Show Outline

Introduction

We are out of quarantine and into curfew, but at least we have new swag for the office.

Stuff That's Good

Kyle likes Brave Ollie Possum: the audio book.

Ethan likes his own Spotify playlist: Every Song Is Perfect.

This News Is Weird

'The bird is free': India 'releases Pakistani pigeon held on spying charges'

Knocking on Florida couple's door were two alligators fighting

Monkeys attack lab worker, steal COVID-19 blood test samples

Turtle crashes through windshield on Georgia highway

Scientists say they went 'cuckoo' due to laughing gas from penguin poo

Five-year-old pulled over by cops on his way to buy a Lamborghini

Stories of the Week

Story 1

Powerful: Protesters Spell Out 'Love' With Burning Homes And Businesses

Summary: In a powerful display of love and tolerance, peaceful protesters in Minneapolis burned several city blocks so the fire would read "LOVE" from the air. Wow. Such love. Much peace.

The real story: Riots have engulfed the country. It seems like overnight COVID-19 disappeared and were replaced with absolute mayhem everywhere. The riots are over the wrongful death of George Floyd, who was killed by a police officer who had his knee on his neck for nine minutes. (We'll discuss more in the main topic.)

Top 10 heroes of the riots

Somehow Chris Matthews and Chris Hanson both make an appearance

Story 2

SpaceX Launch Scrubbed After Local Karen Calls The Cops

Summary: SpaceX had tried to launch a rocket but was forced to scrub the launch after a local Karen called the cops, reporting that people were outside doing things and she did not like it.

The real story: If ever there were a good time to leave Earth…

SpaceX did have a scrubbed launch but then launched for real later in the week. Its module successfully docked with the ISS.

Story 3

Trump, Pelosi Face Off In Intense Game Of Bible Jeopardy

Topic of the Week

Critical Race Theory in the church / racial divides in church culture

There have been some strange reactions in the Evangelical world to this whole situation.

Some funny/interesting reactions from inside and outside the church:
- Matt Walsh posted a video of white people kneeling to black people: https://twitter.com/mattwalshblog/status/1267507181689192448?
- Dean of Union Seminary: "What has alienated America from its very soul, thereby virtually normalizing violence against Black lives? Answer: whiteness itself." (link and soundbyte)
- NBA Announcer fired for tweeting "All lives matter" (link)
- CRU (formerly Campus Crusade for Christ) is holding segregated prayer meetings (link)
- NBA reporter cheers on burning down of low income housing but then calls rioters "animals" when they come around his neighborhood.
- There is a blueprint for racial reconciliation being adopted by many in the evangelical Christian world that seems to come from something called Critical Theory, or Critical Race Theory. So what is it?
- Yearning for justice points us to objective reality in Jesus Christ

Hate Mail

A man is concerned our story on the Constitution dying from coronavirus may cause confusion.

Paid-subscriber portion

Mailbag!

Kyle and Ethan answer some fair criticism about The Babylon Bee's coverage of Joe Biden.

Story 1

Oh No! The Scientist Gavin Newsom Has Been Listening To Is Actually A Bunch Of Raccoons Stuffed In A Lab Coat

Summary: Gavin Newsom has been listening to scientists throughout the pandemic, but it turns out the main scientist he was listening to is actually a bunch of raccoons in a lab coat. Sad!

Are we not listening to SCIENCE! Anymore now that there are progressive crowds out and about?

Story 2

Archaeologists Unearth Galilean Coffee Shop Where Jesus Held Small Group

Summary: Archaeologists have found one of the coolest Bible landmarks: the coffee shop in Galilee where Jesus and His disciples would hold their weekly small groups.

How would Jesus's small group have been?
Small groups: yay or nay? What's wrong with a good old-fashioned Bible study? Where's the coolest place for a small group to hang out?
Small group horror stories
Subscribers, send us small group stories!

To watch or listen to the full length podcast, become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

Save The Babies: The Lila Rose Interview Jun 02, 2020

Show notes

Kyle and Ethan talk to pro-life activist Lila Rose from Live Action about opposition to her organization, politicians gaslighting, and fostering a culture of life. Watch Kyle and Ethan get owned by facts and logic and be told their jokes are bad.

You can listen to Lila Rose on her new podcast: The Lila Rose Show!

The Lila Rose Show explores questions about relationships, work, health, identity, purpose, and faith, with political and cultural commentary.

Also follow Live Action on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube.

Topics Discussed

Lila has a new podcast to promote
How did Live Action get started
Taking on Anti-Abortion "Lies"
Parenting challenges like when one child makes themself vomit all over the kitchen from scarfing down hot chocolate packets while you are attempting to have the smaller toddler have their nap time.
Pranking Planned Parenthood
Deciding on what is the funniest dog
When they lit up WTC One Pink to celebrate the new abortion bill in New York state that allows late third trimester abortions
Politicians gaslighting about how sacred life is despite their policies
Kyle and Ethan get jabbed at for their Protestantism in the subscriber portion when they ask Lila The Ten Questions.

To watch or listen to the full length podcast, become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

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